Personal Stories   Poetry   Pictures   Coping   FAQ's   Articles   Book Store

You are here: Home > Archive > Ratatosk.net Forum > Threads 401 to 450

Threads 401 to 450

A good day after all...
Posted by Christine on Tue Nov 14 02:52:30 2000 (#1390)

Well today was hell skewl sucked and my life too. I made it to skewl in time to see my friend thats so pissed at me and he called me a phyco and told me I'm to unpredictable.He doesnt even wanna see my face but I made it threw the day and got home in one piece.And I want to thank all of you for making me happy because even though my days are long and gruling I can come here and tell you guy my problems and you'll make my world briter and the whole I love you thing really picked me up.So thank you all for making my world a bit better and helping me get threw the day knowing I can come home and talk to people who care and understand.

A question...
Posted by Sophie on Wed Nov 15 01:20:56 2000 (#1392)

Hi, I was just wondering, if you don't mind me asking, What is the worst and best thing that has happend to you as a result of self injury? Thanks, ~Sophie

Re: A question...
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 15 04:22:18 2000 (#1393)

I dont think you can say there is an actual good or bad thing. I dont want to speak for everyone, but... for me its a state of mind and I feel overwhelmed by emotions i cant externalize, so (unfortunately) I have resorted to cutting. when cutting I find the pain, I see me bleed, it soothes me, for me it is good, in reality, it isnt good at all... Sophie, are you a cutter?? if so welcome, if not welcome anyway, and I hope you benefit from visiting here. You will be surprised of the quality of people you meet here... DB, with her insitefullness, Laura Rose with her wonderful poetry, (to me) the little ones like Sarah, and Katie.. to say the least, there are so many others Linda(non cutter) very sweet she hangs around offering kindness and caring. You need not feel alone. I wont scare you off by rambling on, but ...oh heel read foryourself!

Re: A question...
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 15 04:22:29 2000 (#1394)

I dont think you can say there is an actual good or bad thing. I dont want to speak for everyone, but... for me its a state of mind and I feel overwhelmed by emotions i cant externalize, so (unfortunately) I have resorted to cutting. when cutting I find the pain, I see me bleed, it soothes me, for me it is good, in reality, it isnt good at all... Sophie, are you a cutter?? if so welcome, if not welcome anyway, and I hope you benefit from visiting here. You will be surprised of the quality of people you meet here... DB, with her insitefullness, Laura Rose with her wonderful poetry, (to me) the little ones like Sarah, and Katie.. to say the least, there are so many others Linda(non cutter) very sweet she hangs around offering kindness and caring. You need not feel alone. I wont scare you off by rambling on, but ...oh hell read for yourself!

Re: A question...
Posted by Sophie on Wed Nov 15 22:40:16 2000 (#1397)

Hi, yeah I am a cutter and thank you for welcomeing me. So how long have you been a cutter for?

Re: A question...
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 15 23:01:47 2000 (#1398)

I have been on and off since I was thirteen, I am now 27, and have been doing a lot better. I had stopped for a few years, but its back. I am a recovered bulimic, (4 years) so...I guess you could say i lost one addiction and continued with another.

If you dont mind me asking how old are you?

Re: A question...
Posted by Neal on Wed Nov 15 23:16:51 2000 (#1399)

I don't know, these aren't my words but fit my experience...

Your temperature rises, your muscles ache. Maybe you clench your fists. It would be only natural, considering the intense, consuming anxiety that is bubbling up inside you. Anxiety, and anger - anger at the world, at people, even a stupid lifeless object. But mostly anger at yourself. The kind of circular anger that perpetuates itself. The kind that cinches your lungs until they collapse, leaving an impossibly large, cold hole inside you. Not an empty hole, though. Oh, god, no, not empty at all. Anger, you discover, has many children - fear, shame, helplessness, desperation, loneliness, and, of course, pain. They all flutter inside that burnt out space until you want to vomit or pass out or do ANYTHING to get them to stop racing and circling and screaming so loud you shake. It all pulls you inside yourself so that the (real?) world does a fade to black, like the end of a movie where the plot was never resolved, and you float in this kind of loud emptiness where half of you is numb and cold and the other about to explode, overloaded by TOO MUCH TOO FAST. And you try to reach out, call out to anyone to help you, but you can't get past that part of yourself that says "if you let them in they can hurt you". So you're beating against your own fear, a stupid fear, but one that has been proven often enough to remain,and you realize - it's just me. Just me here inside with this pain and this.... huge something that's pulling me down. And you have never known such loneliness, never in your life, and you wonder, how can my body, my mind, even comprehend such a pain, such a vastness, without imploding, sucked inward by that black hole of realization? And your brain just shrinks away inside you until your vision is all black, except for that one, tiny little point of light straight ahead where your body is, and you think "god, I would do anything to get there again, get back to being me, get back to life, because as much as it sucks it is oh, so much better than this non-living non-death." And you realize it's true - you would do anything to get away from this, to shut it off. You are desperate, starving for something you can't name - and you start to think, this is a violent need. But you couldn't hurt anyone else. No, this is a SELF-DIRECTED violence. After all, violence is real, blood is real, this....balde.....is real. This...flame...is real. The point is, physical pain is real - not like that indefinable, untouchable ache and stab that twists inside you. You can understand physical pain. You can see it. You can touch it. Other people can see it. You can hold out your arms and say, "look, I'm hurt and I'm bleeding and I need you to help me" and people will understand that kind of pain, that kind of injury - it's something they can deal with, something you can deal with. But that internal hurt, it's unreachable. It's caged away inside you in a thick, black box, and you can't get it out and others can't get in. You've tried starving it out, but that doesn't work as well. So you turn it inside-out, and you take a knife or a razor or glass or your fingernails or a cigarette because it doesn't matter what you use as long as you GET IT OUTSIDE YOURSELF and you burn it and bleed it to the surface where you can see it and say - this is what a broken soul looks like.

And then.....you get so quiet inside you can feel your heart beating, calming down, slowing until you can breathe again. Your muscles relax, unwind and unknot,and this warmth just sort of oozes through you and sighs out of your body in the places you just cut/scratched/burned. And it feels so good leaving you,like air is finally coming back into your body and that point of lightness expands and deepens as you breathe until it's you again. And a part of this you is the blood you just brought out of yourself. It looks and feels so real that it's almost unreal. Have you ever seen such a deep red before? You feel a sense of pride - I did this, I controlled this, I handled it myself, it's my secret. This is blood from deep inside yourself, deep down where the pain is. But now it's out, and you can cover your hands in it and stare at it, face the thing that's eating you alive from the inside out, and you can cleanse yourself of it, scrub it off until you've rid yourself of that sticky feeling and wash it down the drain. After all, it's only blood, and blood you can handle. So your mind is quite for awhile.

Until -

What have I done? Shame comes back to you. God, you think, god, oh, god, and it's like your mind has forgotten everything but that one word. You've done it again. Why weren't you stronger, you freak, you sick, sick person. Are you so abnormal you can't even ask for help without making yourself bleed? Maybe what they say is right... maybe you are just a selfish attention-seeker. You didn't have to do this. You have no reason to feel so....dead. Stop being such a martyr, such a baby, you have it good compared to most of the world. You melodramatic. You whiner. You sniveling, helpless, little baby. Why can't you just be..... happy? Normal? Whole? Why can't you trust yourself to love anymore? Why can't you let anyone love you? Why do you ruin every good thing in your life before it has a chance to ruin you? Why can't I make this stop.

So you bandage yourself up, you care tenderly for yourself because you can't trust anyone else to. How ironic. And you are filled with regret and shame and you feel dirty. But every time you move that arm or leg or bend so that the cuts on your stomach and breasts send out little flames of pain you feel – special. And you hate yourself for that, and inside you something moves and starts to wake – again.

Who wrote that?
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Nov 16 00:39:53 2000 (#1400)

Neal, That's probably the saddest, most beautiful thing I've ever read. "So you turn it inside-out, and you take a knife or a razor or glass or your fingernails or a cigarette because it doesn't matter what you use as long as you GET IT OUTSIDE YOURSELF and you burn it and bleed it to the surface where you can see it and say - this is what a broken soul looks like." That sounds a lot like how I feel. Who wrote it? You said they weren't your words. It's just so full of unapologetic truth. As for my own feelings, I don't feel any pride after having cut myself. I usually feel terrible before I do it. Afterwards, it's a relief to know it's over. It almost feels like there's too much blood in my body and some of it has to get out. Like I can't live and have this much blood. I don't feel very much pain, if any, when I cut. I have a pretty bad scar from a cut I made about a month ago. I guess maybe it needed stitches, but I've never had stitches. Besides, I don't want everyone asking me questions. You guys can ask, but other people tend to make me nervous with their questions and tugging at my sleeves or whatever. Did that make sense, or am I losing my ability to string together coherent thoughts?!?

Love, DB

Re: Who wrote that?
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 16 01:57:01 2000 (#1404)

DB, I am the posting queen today;).. wasnt it powerful what Neal wrote?? The scar ting, I know how you feel, I mean I was able to open up to this guy and he is a great confidant, after I told him I cut my stomach, he wanted me to show him... I am not someone to be put on display..I felt a little weird,, anyhow....You make perfect sense Girlfriend..if I hadnt told you this before, in the past month since I started posting you have really impressed me, you ability to express is incredible, I am glad I continued to visit here..Ok no more MUSHY stuff..I just want to confirm to everyone who comes here that this place is somewhere where you souldnt feel alone, or inloved!!

Re: A question...
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 16 01:31:49 2000 (#1401)

NEAL!!! e-mail me..where have you been lately..I hope everything is ok!! Love, Nuni

Re: A question...
Posted by katie on Thu Nov 16 05:12:53 2000 (#1405)

yes to so many things in that passage.

i handled it myself but maybe i am just looking for attention... which i don't get... but why can't i just STOP? why can't i be reasonable? i know this is senseless so why does it make so much sense?

Re: A question...
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 16 06:19:06 2000 (#1406)

I think in all of us there is a little voice that longs for the attention we may get, whether e get it or notI suppose the wholu point is that when others pretend to not notice they do, they react, ... its hard to explain, I wonder the same myself... I owe it a lot to fears of rejection, eiher I will be rejected because some think me a freak for cutting, and others just do...abandonment issues come to mind.. its taken me months of therapy to realize that. I hope I can help.

Re: A question...
Posted by Sophie on Sat Nov 18 15:40:06 2000 (#1426)

Wow, what you posted Neal was amazing and so very, very true! "But everytime you move that arm or leg or bend so that the cuts on your stomach and breasts send out little flames of pain you feel - special" That is something I have wanted to be able to express for so long, but have never known how to put. I am 15 and I've been cutting since I was 13. Not that long really. I don't know if anyone else feels like this, but I don't want to stop cutting myself. Saying that makes me feel so discusting and stupid, but I wanted to see if other people like and enjoy self injury so much that thay don't want to stop?

Re: A question...((())))
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 16 01:43:20 2000 (#1402)

I hope everyone reads what Neal wrote, I want to know who wrote that..or I just want to scream at the top of my lungs..for so long I have wanted to explain that..its all there..

Wow . . .
Posted by Darkrose on Thu Nov 16 06:57:12 2000 (#1408)

Actually . . . that explains a lot . . . especially the last two paragraphs . . . and most of the middle . . . and the beginning too . . . I'm with Nuni - I must know who wrote that.

Maybe I'm not ok
Posted by Christine on Wed Nov 15 04:42:50 2000 (#1395)

Well things seemed to be going good and I think I jinkesed myself.Today wasn't the best.I was so depresd I couldnt get out of bed and I really tried.I didnt get up till around 10:30.I finally got to school and I couldnt even talk to people kinda like not wanting to open my mouth and let something come out not even a yes or no.I wanted to just go die nothings really happened lately exept for me and my friend being in a fight.We dont talk or even look at each other so it doesnt really bother me.I'm in my own little world suronded by depression and I'm swimming in my own pitty.I really wonder what I'm living for.I want to at least make it to my 16 birthday.I think theres only a couple people I'm living for and my parents arent one of them they make it clear that I should be dead not my dad but hes alwats working.I'm living for my grandparents,best-friend,and my futer lover. The one how will love me and not judge me.I havent found him maybe if I servive adolesents I'll find him.But I really wonder why I get up and push myself threw another day just to come home and have to do it all over again.Do I want to live or die?

Re: Maybe I'm not ok
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Nov 15 21:46:13 2000 (#1396)

I think you want to live. You wouldn't be wondering about it if you didn't. You seem so depressed. From someone who's been there, it will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but if you give it time and give yourself half a chance, you'll start to feel better. Just hang out with people you're comfortable with, or by yourself. It doesn't matter. Being alone isn't always bad. I'm most comfortable with myself when there's no one with me. I do understand wanting to have that person who will love you unconditionally and won't judge you. They say love comes to us when we least expect it, so don't look! He may be the next person you meet! Please know that you are loved.

Love, DB

Re: Maybe I'm not ok
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 16 01:49:41 2000 (#1403)

We all hit "bad patches"..hang in there, I find coming to the mess board comforting, try it.. its ok to not be ok sometimes, I am glad you are able to recognize when you are depressed..Id like to say, you may feel strongly about wanting someone to be there for you.. realistically it is a huge emotional investment and I think like DB said dont look for that person that person will come into your life when you least expect him.. because you are going through this you will be stronger.. Hugs to you..You are not alone, id like to reach out and put my hand on your shoulder to reassure you WE CARE!!!

don't fit in
Posted by Lost on Thu Nov 16 07:03:24 2000 (#1409)

I've come to realize that I do not fit in anywhere. Sure, I'll get along with people for a while... but thats only the FAKE me getting along with them. I don't have anyone that I can sit down and show my REAL self to. As a matter of fact, I've had My "real" self hidden for so long, that I don't even know if I myself can ever find it. That probably doesn't make sense. Its just that I have so many FAKE selves that maybe THAT has come to be the REAL me. Anyway, back to the point... I am still searching for the place where I fit well... and I just can't find it. No one realized that I'm an outsider except me... but the fact that I know makes it just as bad as if the whole world knew. I'm so confused about everything. I mean, I'm going to get married when I turn 18 (in 6 months) but I wonder if i'm only doing it to fill this hole in my heart... or if I REALLY want to do it for love. And I wonder if it is to fill the hole... WILL IT? Or will it just be another mask? ok sorry this doesn't really have a point... I'm just trying to get things out of my ugly head

Re: don't fit in
Posted by Darkrose on Thu Nov 16 07:17:43 2000 (#1411)

>>As a matter of fact, I've had My "real" self hidden for so long, that I don't even know if I myself can ever find it. That probably doesn't make sense. Its just that I have so many FAKE selves that maybe THAT has come to be the REAL me.<<

That makes so much sense to me. I don't know my "real" self anymore either. Maybe somewhere my lost self will meet up with someone who understands her . . .

I'd write more, but I really have to go to bed. It's not that I don't care - I just don't want to say something stupid (if it isn't too late.)

Darkrose

Re: don't fit in
Posted by MELISSA on Fri Nov 17 01:35:20 2000 (#1417)

OH LOST, I DONT EVEN KNOW IF I HAVE A REAL ME. IVE LIED ABOUT SO MANY THINGS THAT I CANT EVEN REMEMBER IF ITS A LIE OR NOT, I FEEL SO OUTSIDE, SO QUESTIONABLE I GUESS. I DONT EVEN KNOW THE REAL ME. I DONT KNOW WHERE I AM WHO I AM WHY I AM. I MAKE NO SENSE I FEEL SO UNHUMAN. I HAVE GOTTEN SO USED TO IT THAT IT DOESNT REALLY BOTHER ME ANYMORE ... BUT NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT I WISH I COULD FIND WHO I AM, IF THIS ISNT WHO IVE ALREADY BECOME. I HOPE THAT THIS MAKES SENSE EVEN THOUGH IM JUST BABBLING. I LOVE YOU LOST I FEEL SO ... OK WHEN I TALK TO YOU. I DONT THINK YOUR ALONE IN THIS. AND YOU CAN TELL ME ANYTHING. PROMISE!

LOVE ALWAYS, MELISSA

I'm such a fool
Posted by Darkrose on Thu Nov 16 07:12:13 2000 (#1410)

Really. I thought I could stop. [Bitter little laugh] I actually thought I could stop. [Shaking head]

I'm not going to bore you with the whole sordid story. I have an online journal now, and I mostly went crazy and vented there. I just can't get over my stupidity.

Four days. I lasted four days. I tried that rubber band trick - the one where you put the rubber band around your wrist and snap it instead of cutting. By the end of day one I had bruised my wrist and caused it to swell briefly. In day four I thought that maybe I was entering into a "good period" and had gained a reprieve for as long as that lasted. This morning I woke up and cut. Not immedietly, but before I got out of bed. I barely had control.

Tonight I was good, though. Only made on "real" cut. Mostly just played around with the blade and my skin, occasionally breaking skin but not actually drawing blood.

I'm going home on vacation on Friday. I will make an effort to leave the knife here. Then I will at least have that unavailable.

OK, that's enough from my weird mind for tonight. Like I mentioned, I have that journal now, so perhaps I won't be bothering you all as much. Feel free to ignore any replies I post - I'm lousy at giving advice and in general conversation. Thanks for at least reading to the end of my pointless "whine" post. I honestly cannot believe myself.

I wish peace for all of you, if it be for even just a short while.

Re: I'm such a fool
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 16 17:26:25 2000 (#1412)

You are not a fool. This is why we all come here, to vent our frustrations others dont begin to understand. I can relate to that so much., I cant sit and talk to my husband about all I express here. First, (ithink) he would wonder what the hell did I marry? Not Who? What?...and then, I would probably continue with my friends, they would freak and then they would (probably) scramble to come up with excuses why we cant hang out.. So you see, my friend, we all seek the inner peace, we all want to loudness to leave our heads, so we find common ground and we post here. We will continue to love you. And when you choose to come back, and you find there are no familiar names you will probably see that those that have chosen to remain, are still seeking the peace. Thank you for spending your time sharing with us. Hugs~

i'm really scared
Posted by laura rose on Thu Nov 16 19:46:23 2000 (#1413)

So, I go to a counselor today. I talked to him on the phone for a minute yesterday. But I felt like I had no right to say anything, because his dad just died a week ago or so. I'm soooooo nervous. I've been cutting myself since yesterday evening until now. It helps relieve the tension, but not fully. GRR!!! Maybe I shouldn't go. I don't want him knowing the thoughts inside of my head. If he does, he will try to have me locked up.

~Laura

Today was hell...
Posted by Christine on Thu Nov 16 21:01:40 2000 (#1414)

not that every other day,isnt but today I was in gym and one of the cousilers came in and called me over.We went to her office and we were sitting down and waiting for my social worker to come in.We sit down and the first thing they say is have you been cutting?I was so shocked I didnt know what to say.I was like I havent cut for a whileand I said I cut acouple weeks ago.She even asked to see my arms I was like fuck you but I showed her I was like why do you want to see my arms.Then she was like do you cut anywere else like your ...And she named every body part I was like no they talked to me the hole 1st per.I was like I have to go and I left then they wanted me to sign something ssaying they could call my therapist.They said it was a teacher that reported overhearing a kids conversation they cant tell me who.People piss me off.

Re: Today was hell...
Posted by Nuni on Fri Nov 17 17:57:50 2000 (#1422)

See..thats the shit Im talking about. Why cant people just leave us alone. I mean aren't we fighting enough "devils" of our own. Those teachers may have your best interest at heart, but I think if that would have been me I would be more defenssive. i dont blame you for being pist off, hang in there. Dont forget you are not alone. Hugs...

Ummm... hi
Posted by Baleigh on Thu Nov 16 22:50:58 2000 (#1415)

Hey. I really don't know why I am writing... just to say 'hello' I guess. I was just surfing the net... looking for stuff on SI cause I've been interested in learning more. I've been SIing for about 3 years. I just thought perhaps I'd find someone I could talk to here. Email me if you want...

Re: Ummm... hi
Posted by rachel on Thu Nov 16 23:10:48 2000 (#1416)

heya.

well ive been SIing for about 2 years and its at its peak now. You can e mail or talk to me if you ever want too. I came on here to learn more as well, and you get meet really great people. stay safe.

Re: Ummm... hi
Posted by Nuni on Fri Nov 17 03:15:51 2000 (#1418)

Hi, Welcome.. I am a cutter almost 14 years, off and on, I have gone 9 days, WOW.. i hadnt realized. We're here for you.

Re: Ummm... hi
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Nov 18 19:32:01 2000 (#1429)

Thank you both! : ) It's such a relief to have people that know what I'm going through!

smoking
Posted by Lost on Fri Nov 17 07:01:33 2000 (#1419)

Hi. :) I've decided to quit smoking today. I don't know if i can do it... but I hope so. I know this has TOTALLY nothing to do with this board... but I just wanted to tell someone... hehehe I hope it doesn't like make me worse with my depression though... cuz I know that I'm gonna be a VERY angry person at first.....,... ok i'll shut up. sorry

Re: smoking
Posted by melissa on Fri Nov 17 16:25:11 2000 (#1420)

Muahhhhh! im very happy for you. i quit smoking like 7 months ago it was real hard an di do get stressed out alot but im proud of myself and it feels gooooooood! so you go girl!!! good luck

melissa

Re: smoking
Posted by Nuni on Fri Nov 17 16:42:02 2000 (#1421)

I think its a great goal to set for yourself. I believe in you, even if you get pissy we'll still Love you.

Re: smoking
Posted by Lost on Sat Nov 18 22:59:37 2000 (#1430)

Hey again! Welp, its been 2.5 days since I decided to quit.... and so far I've had 1/2 a cigarette (which I know is cheating... but its a lot better than a whole pack a day) It sucks trying to stop smoking. And its not even the physical craving thats the worst... its the HABIT... being used to walking out of my class and pulling out a cigarette without even THINKING about it. that prolly doesn't make sense... anyway I'll shut up. Bye

Re: smoking
Posted by Nuni on Mon Nov 20 01:30:47 2000 (#1438)

It makes perfect sense to me. I gave up drinking two weeks ago. Yep, cold turkey. I was drinking about 4-5 days a week, and it was taking its toll. Cutting, drinking and pretty much feeling shitty all the time. No drinking, still cutting, I am not sure whats worse, but YOU hang in there, and I dont know if this makes sense, but "if you are not cheating, you are not trying" so keep at it..

he understood me!!!
Posted by laura rose on Fri Nov 17 21:29:30 2000 (#1423)

Hey guys, I saw that counselor yesterday... he understood me! you will never guess what he said... he told me i should NOT stop cutting, because right now i need it... and he said that the thoughts in my head are like a big tangled ball of christmas lights. You can't tell where one strand ends and another begins. He said that we will work on it, one strand at a time, and slowly untangle it all.... oh my god... he made such sense and he did not say "i want you to stop cutting now".... he even gave me his home and cell #.... I think I am going to go back to him.... I mean, it didnt cure me, but man.... it felt good. He isnt trying to fix me and tell me what to do, and he isnt masking it all with meds... he wants to help me.... wow... just wanted to share...

Laura

Re: he understood me!!!
Posted by Nuni on Sat Nov 18 01:31:54 2000 (#1424)

Thank you, hugs to you. ;)

Re: he understood me!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Nov 18 04:38:32 2000 (#1425)

*doing happy dance for Laura* Yippee! You found a keeper! I'm so happy for you. I haven't been online all day because I've been shopping for Christmas, so we couldn't talk, but this is great!!! I always thought that taking away the cutting was causing more problems that it solved. I mean, I know it scars your body, but if it helps and it's not life threatening, what does it matter? You should definitely keep going to see him. In time, you may not need the cutting at all. It's good that he isn't rushing you, and the Christmas light analogy is really good. I'm so happy for you!!!

Love you, DB

Re: he understood me!!!
Posted by Darkrose on Sun Nov 26 21:58:48 2000 (#1543)

[Eight days late, but joining in the dance anyway]

I'm glad you found someone who seems sympathetic, Laura.

Question for Neal
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Nov 18 17:18:24 2000 (#1427)

Neal, Okay, we're all dying to know who wrote that thing in your last post!! It was so perfect in describing how I feel, and everyone else, too, I imagine. Please let us know who wrote it. I would like to put it on my website, but I don't want to without being able to credit the author.

Love, DB

Re: Question for Neal
Posted by Nuni on Sat Nov 18 18:32:19 2000 (#1428)

Hey guys, Guess what I did?? I printed that post that Neal shared with us and had my shring read it. I mean it was a long shot. I was having a hard time explaining to him how i felt. I am STILL dying to know who wrote it, because its like that person knew what i have been going through for so long, anyhow my DR and I talkied about the pain I am trying to put in to words. I hadnt cut in 9 days and i slipped and made a mess of my stomach (again) I feel so bad, but for that moment there was so much peace.. You all have a good weekend.. and Neal PLEASE tell us who wrote that!!! Hugs to all!!!!!!

Re: Question for Neal
Posted by Neal on Sun Nov 19 21:10:02 2000 (#1435)

Im sorry for posting that last message, if I'd known what a reaction it would cause I wouldn't have posted it. It was written by someone called Linda and I would very much appreciate that no one posts those words on any other site or to print them off and and start handing them around to anyone you know. That was a private and confidential post and should stay within the boundaries of the message board. It was my fault for posting such a detailed description of someones feelings and I'm sorry. Thanks.

Re: Question for Neal
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 19 23:28:37 2000 (#1436)

Sorry Neal, and believe me when i say I found it quite necessary to share the contents with my shrink, and no one else!!! it helped to express my standing.. it caused a stir because it pin pointed so much that we all have been trying to express.. I'm sorry !

Re: Question for Neal
Posted by Darkrose on Sun Nov 26 22:21:13 2000 (#1545)

Understood. I wish I could have posted it on my embryonic website, but privacy is one thing I can very definitely respect.

Roommates
Posted by Anna on Sun Nov 19 01:32:06 2000 (#1431)

Hi, I don't know if anyone would know this, but I had a question. My roommate at college is bulimic, and I SI--we have talked about it and I wondered if maybe we have the same feelings and they're just manifesting themselves in a different way? Who knows. I was just curious. If anyone has any info will you let me know? Thanks.

Re: Roommates
Posted by Baleigh on Sun Nov 19 23:55:02 2000 (#1437)

It would be wouldn't it? I mean... both bulimia and SI are harmful to the body... and self controlled... hmmmm... yeah... I'm thinking they're pretty much along the same lines.

Hi! I'm back! :)
Posted by Dark Angel on Sun Nov 19 03:19:21 2000 (#1432)

Hi everybody. It's been a long time and I noticed a few new people. I can't talk long and I probably won't come back. I just want to say I'm sorry to the people who were e-mailing me. I have been forbiddon to write to you. :( However, on an upbeat, I have stopped cutting and haven't cut for two or three months. The urge is gone and I'm a much happier person. I have personal thanks to Linda who helped me realize that God was my only way out. I have learned how much he loves me and He's partially why I stopped. Also thank you Maggie, you've been the best friend anyone can have. Sorry to anyone I didn't mention, I still think of all of you. Good luck to stopping-it IS possible. NEVER GIVE UP!!!

Love, Dana

sorry guys
Posted by laura rose on Sun Nov 19 06:58:58 2000 (#1433)

um... i did it again... i cant seem to stop cutting... i went down to the bone and just got back from the hospital.. yay me.. what a thing to not be proud of myself. I could have gone out since i dont have cameron tonight.. but no.. i thought it would be funner to attempt to bleed to death, apparantly...

Re: sorry guys
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 19 20:03:48 2000 (#1434)

But you're back, and you're ok, arent you?? Oh laura, im sorry you didnt feel we might have been ablet help you... its ok, it doesnt change the care I feel for you... I hope you are ok..Hugs!!!

Re: sorry guys
Posted by Sara on Mon Nov 20 01:32:42 2000 (#1439)

Oh I am so sorry...it's the addiction...I sometimes cut just for lack of anything 'better' to do, too...I wish I could do something, I love you...

Re: sorry guys
Posted by katie on Mon Nov 20 01:52:52 2000 (#1440)

just always come back, laura rose...

i'm sorry. i wish we could have been able to help somehow. remember that we care about you.

love katie

Re: sorry guys
Posted by Selene on Mon Nov 20 04:10:13 2000 (#1441)

You dont know me, and Im new on this message thing, but even though I dont know u, Im glad your ok.

Selene

what are we doing?
Posted by laura rose on Mon Nov 20 06:04:26 2000 (#1442)

You know... I love this board because I can be honest and not be judged for it. Only understood. But even though I come here every day that I can, and you guys are ALL incredible... are we changing? I mean, we encourage those who are trying and comfort those who are falling.. but we all remain on our levels. We only scratch the surface of something that we ALL can relate to. Do you get what I am saying? What makes YOU cut.. what it is it in your past that made you feel powerless? Why do you gain in this manner? What are the skeletons you are too afraid to tell a world that doesn't understand you? This is the place to get help!! We all understand and know that no matter what, another person on this board has been there. I don't know if anyone else on here will stick their necks out and open up... but I feel that I am ready to....

Let's see... My dad walked out on us when I was 8 (after spending the entire marriage having affairs). I was raped when I was 10.. and then i became anorexic/bulimic... got in to drugs.. got kicked out of my house at age 15... got more in to drugs. Lived in a crack house.. had abusive boyfriends. That's about where the SI surfaced. At age 18, my mom got a court order to send me to a clinic in Arizona for inpatient treatment on my anorexia/bulimia. Got raped by a nurse there on one of the many nights I was strapped to my bed to prevent me from exercising in the middle of the night. I got pregnant and without my permission, they had an abortion performed on me. I am VERY anti-abortion, by the way. I came home, and my boyfriend was tired of watching it all.. so he left me and I went back to drugs... Nice, eh? Well, now I am somewhat married, and have a wonderful son - but the past still haunts me daily, since I spent so many years covering it with drugs. And now I just feel like dying most of the time.

So there you have it... now you know why I cut.. because my life has never been my own and I don't know how else to have control while trying to take the pain away while trying to prove that I am human and can feel...

So... anyone else care to share? Please don't let me be the only one who shares.... I love you guys ~ each and every one of you.... take care...

~laura

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by Maggie on Mon Nov 20 11:02:34 2000 (#1443)

Wow Laura!!! You have been through so much and I think you are incredibly strong to still be such a great person after so many bad things have happened to you. It makes my problems seem really insignificant compared to yours, and I think that if I had experienced your past, I wouldn't have made it to where you have. I would have given up, so that makes you are really strong, courageous person... I agree that this board helps us, because at the least it allows us to be honest about what we do, and we don't label each other, and I find that I learn more about myself by talking with people who share similar lives.

Well... here's my lot in summary. Only child and had really supportive, loving, doting parents whom I had really close relationships with through my childhood. My world was perfect and secure and I was really sheltered. But then when I was 11 I moved house and school and I was bullied badly at my new school. At the same time my idolised father was having an on-going affair with one of his 18 year old models, and it destroyed my mother. He had apparently had many such flings but I only then found out. I caught my mother trying to kill herself several times and I had to wrestle the knife from her. Then my cousin hung himself which also shattered my little world. And my only friend which (was my cat) got run over the next week, and I was devastated. My parents decided to stay together, but Dad's mistress got angry she couldn't have him, so she made all kinds of death threats against me on the answerphone, and her brothers stalked our house and we were all scared because she her brothers were convicted criminals. After that bad time it was never spoken about again in our household, and I still didn't know whether Dad was good or bad. Then when I was 17 I was molested by my 28 year old Fencing coach (i was going out with him but he went beyond my consent). He then cheated on me several times but I forgave him coz I thought it was right to take him back and that it was my fault. Then he slept with my best friend (10 year strong friendship) and I lost my boyfriend and my best friend. So I no longer trust anybody - especially not males or relationships or friendships. I think I cut now because I never dealt with all these things in the past. Nothing was spoken about and I just continued with life, but now it's caught up with me. I want to gain back control, security and to prove that no matter how much other's hurt me, I can hurt myself more.

Well it's hardly as dramatic as your story, and I feel pathetic that I let small things like that get me down, but I do feel what you feel, and can empathise and am here to support you.

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by Nuni on Mon Nov 20 17:37:28 2000 (#1444)

This is what makes me ---cut---(i think) When I was 13 my uncle molested me, I told my mom, grandma, etc... they didnt believe me, and I was told that if it was true I probably brought it on myself. I was warned against telling my dad and my relationship with my cool dad deteriorated. I have three older brothers and one of them did the same thing my uncle did. One of the older brothers threatened to hurt him if he hurt me again, and again I told my mom and again she didnt believe me. My parents split up when I was 14 and my mom hooked up with some guy immediatley after. HE turned out to be my biological father. I wasnt allowed to contact my dad, and when I turned 15 I dated this guy who liked to punch walls, (pretty much anything) when he got mad. This started a whirlwind of a self destructive relationship. Everytime we got in any arguments we would punch eachother. He is 6 foot and way bigger thanI am. By this time I was puking every meal and to make matters worse I wasnt living with my mother anymore. I was with guardians.. My foster sister and I use to dare eachother with razor blades and use to cut just to see eachother bleed. Mu guardians by the way were my boyfriends parents...He was my boyfriend first and then his parents took me in (complicated?) Well I finally broke up with him when I was 19 and joined the Navy, because HE said I would never make it without him.. Not true, the Navy has been good to me, and I am now married.. still all of these unresolved issues with my mother, dad, real father, brother.. I never got help for that. I am a recovered bulimic but the cutting continues. It is my outlet, the peace I long for...I am seeing a psychiatrist now, he asked me if I was ready to stop cutting and I said no, so like Laura Rose, I felt this guy understood me. Hopefully it will work out.

I have shared this with my shrink, and I was unable to feel the words. I say them but I cant feel..I hope to gain emotion one day,,maybe one day.. but the caring remains for you here in this board.. I apologize if I am too mushy or clingy at times. I am trying so hard to reach the feelings I once had. hugs to all!!!

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Nov 20 17:53:11 2000 (#1445)

Laura, this is a good idea. Just knowing that you want to talk about what makes you cut is a step toward getting over this nightmare. Maggie, don't feel pathetic! Your problems don't exactly seem easy to deal with. You were molested. And the whole stalking thing is scary. As for my own story, it's pretty tame, but it's how things are. Here goes: Ever since I can remember, my parents, grandmother, everyone has been overprotective of my brother and me. We were supposed to be seen and not heard, my father said. As a child, neither of us talked very much outside of home. As a result, I had a very difficult time making friends when I started school. When I was in Kindergarten, I stopped eating at school because I saw a child throw up her lunch and became convinced I would be sick if I ate. I was made fun of for not eating and told that I would end up in a hospital for an eating disorder. Anyway, I didn't eat at school again until I was about 14. I didn't have very many friends and my best friend was manipulative. She used me to get whatever she wanted(usually homework). She was jealous of any new riends I made and since I was her only friend, I would abandon my newer friends out of loyalty to her. I don't remember what made me cut the first time. I think it may have been my panic attacks or the idea that my parents loved my brother more because he was normal. As I got older, I wasn't allowed any type of privacy. Not that I asked. Nobody ever told me they loved me and I believed that I wasn't loved. I had never had a boyfriend or even a good friend to tell me they cared. Even now, if someone tells me they love me, I have to doubt that. My cousin, Susie, my best friend in the world can tell me she loves me, but I don't believe her. I still think there is something terribly wrong with me that makes it impossible for people to care for me. I'm 23 now and I still live at home with my non-privacy issues. I have never held down a job for more than 2 weeks and I have no friends. I stay at home most days and when I go somewhere I usually take my mother. I've started looking for jobs anywhere I can get them and just this morning I applied for a job at a daycare. I had planned on going to college next year, but I have put that on hold so I can hopefully move out of this place!

Love, DB

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by laura rose on Mon Nov 20 18:30:31 2000 (#1446)

Wow.... all of you have been through so much. Maggie, *please* do not feel that your problems pale in comparison to mine. That was certainly not my intentions when writing that post. Nobody here has been through more or less... this is the one place where all of us *are* equal in our pain. And you *have* been through a lot, my dear. Nuni... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. All of you, I'm just so sorry for your pain. DB... I'm sorry that you went through all of that..

Please, don't feel that your problems are not worthy of mention. Even if you fell off of your bike at a young age, liked the sight of blood and have been cutting ever since.. we all know it goes deeper than that.

And also... please guys.. if you are anything like I am.. hearing others peoples stories may make you want to bleed for them. Can we all agree to not cut for eachother? There are already so many things out there that make us want to cut... let's not make this place another trigger.. ok?

I love you all.... *hugs* ~laura

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by Nuni on Mon Nov 20 19:02:25 2000 (#1447)

Sounds good to me... I havent cut in 4 days (again) maybe I will go longer than nine days this time... You guys are so awesome. Here everyone is the same, here our problems are equally important, here you will not be judged, here you will always find love...thanks laura rose this was a good idea.

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by melissa on Mon Nov 20 20:34:38 2000 (#1448)

MMM OK I HOPE THIS WORKS: WELL IM 15 YEARS OLD I HAVNT LIVED ANYWHERE LONGER THAN 8 MONTHS OTHER THAN HERE. I WAS HOMELESS FROM BIRTH TILL 4. (LIVED IN A CAR) MY MOM IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND SHE LEFT ONCE WITH MY DAD FOR 3 DAYS. WHEN SHE RETURNED I WAS NEARLY DEAD. THE LADY THAT SHE HAD LEFT ME WITH NEVER CHANGED MY DIPER AND EVERY TIME I CRIED SHE HIT ME. MY MOM FOUND ME TIED TO A CHAIR IN THE FRONT LAWN SOILED AND BLACK AND BLUE BARELY RECONIZABLE (I WAS 2) MY UNCLE USED TO BEAT ME UNTIL I WAS 9 AND HE WENT TO JAIL FOR VARIOUS THINGS ... I HAVENT SEEN HIM SINCE. I THOUGHT THAT MY PARENTS WERE THE ONLY COULPE IN THE WORLD WHO WERENT DEVORCED AND DIDNT HIDE ANYTHING. BUT I WAS WRONG MY DAD HAS BEEN CHEATING ON MY MOM FOR 18 YEARS. MY GRANDFATHER COMMITED SUICIDE 3 DAYS BEFORE MY 10TH BIRTHDAY AND WITH THE MONEY WE GOT FROM HIS DEATH WE BOUGHT OUR 1ST HOUSE. HERE I HAVE LIVED FOR 5 YEARS (NEVER THOUGHT THAT WOULD HAPPEN). IN 7TH GRADE I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF FROM MY HAUNTING NIGHTMARES OF MY CHILDHOOD. I DIDNT SUCCEED. IN 8TH GRADE I WAS "TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF" BY A BOY I NEW WHERE I WORKED. HE TOLD ME IF I SAY ANYTHING HE WOULD KILL ME. I SEE HIM EVERY DAY. A MONTH LATER I GOT DRUNK WITH SOME FRIENDS AND THIS KID THAT WAS WITH US DRAGGED ME IN TO A PARKING LOT AND FORCED HIS FINGERS IN ME IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY, NO ONE STOPPED HIM. ABOUT 2 WEEKS LATER I GOT A RIDE HOME FROM THE SKATING RINK FROM SOMEONE THAT I THOUGHT I KNEW. HE DROVE ME TO THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE AND " TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME" THEN TOLD ME TO GET OUT AND FIND MY WAY HOME. I HAVE HAD 3 BOYFRIENDS WHO BEAT ME BADLY. PULLED ME BY MY HAIR ACROSS A ROOM, PUNCHED ME, KICKED ME, THROWN ME, ETC. I'VE BECOME AN ALCOHOL SINCE THE 8TH GRADE IM ALL MESSED UP IN BIG BIG DRUGS (SINCE THE 9TH)-(COKE ECSTACY PILLS SOON HEROINE) AND IVE BEEN CUTTING EVER SINCE 7TH WHEN I TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE. THE MORE I TRY TO MAKE IT BETTER THE WORSE IT GETS. THE ONE PERSON THAT I TRUST THAT I LOVE THAT LOVES ME AND TAKES CARE OF ME IS MOVING IN ABOUT A MONTH ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I CAN PROMISE THAT THINGS WONT BE GOOD FOR ME. WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER? WHEN ARE THINGS OK?

MELISSA

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by MELISSA on Mon Nov 20 20:41:01 2000 (#1449)

I MISSED SOME THINGS SORRY. THE FIRST KID I MENTIONED THAT TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME IS NOW GOING OUT WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND I SEE HIM EVERYWHERE I GO. THE OTHER NIGHT I WAS O.D.ING AND HE WAS TRYING TO HOLD ME UP HE PUSHED HIS DICK AGANST ME AND ..... I FEEL SOO DIRTY. I FEEL LIKE IT MUST BE ME. I KNOW IM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SITUATIONS I GET MYSELF INTO.

MELISSA

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by laura rose on Mon Nov 20 21:03:58 2000 (#1450)

Melissa Oh honey.... I wish I could hold you and take it all away from you with magical words, but I have none. What has happened to you is awful... there are no words to say how awful it is... i know that you blame yourself... and that "it's not your fault" is cliche... I am a very honest person, and if I thought that any of that was your fault... I would tell you. And it is so NOT your fault. Have you ever told anyone any of this stuff? I'm telling you... all of us on this board are here for you and you know that if any one of us could carry that pain for you, we would. But the fact is that we cant.. but we can try to help lift some of it off of you... if you want that.... Please... you are still alive for a reason... and you need to find out what that reason is. Take care... *huge hugs*

~laura

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by MELISSA on Mon Nov 20 21:08:43 2000 (#1451)

MARCUS KNOWS... MY BOYFRIEND

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Nov 20 22:23:23 2000 (#1452)

Melissa,

Laura is completely right. It's not your fault. You were born into a situation you had no control over. If today, you saw a baby who was born hooked on drugs or with AIDS, would you think the baby is to blame? No, because the baby can't do anything about what happens. It's the same with you in a way. You couldn't help that you were left alone with a person who tied you to a chair. None of that is your fault. But at least you don't hide from your problems. Life's not fair. Just try to find one thing that makes the screaming die down and hold on to that, don't ever let go of it. Can I also tell you that I think you are a very compassionate person? You prayed for Laura when she was in the hospital even though you don't believe in God. That was the most unselfish thing you could have done. I was very touched by that. And even though I feel unworthy of love, I feel love for others and especially for you at this moment. Be good to yourself, you deserve that much.

Love, DB

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by Christine on Tue Nov 21 04:23:30 2000 (#1453)

Well I guess I should be open about my life.I dont think anything really ever happened to me.I had a normal childhood.Until I was 9 or 10 then my nieghbor started molesting me it ended not to soon after,but it only happened a few times.It started a sieries of unsuccsesful suicide atempts.Finally the suicide led to cutting.I became anorexic in 7th grade after a really bad suicide attemp were I went into cardiac arest and almost died.I was in ICU for 3 days.I was home schooled for the rest of the year 2 weeks into the school year I was sent for an evaluation and addmited to the phsyc ward.I meet my first love there he was the sweetest boy,but I fucked up are relationship.3 weeks laterwe left on not so good terms.I was very upset and from there is were the cutting really took off.A week later I was readdmited.From there I went to a state hospital were a male patient kept touching me till I told him I'd feed his nut sack to my dog if he didnt keep his hands to himself.My mom realized I wasnt getting better and signed me out fo there.I went to a private school for children w/ emotional problems I was there shortly.I was the second person in the school to leave and in not even a year.I'v gotten alot betterin the past 2 years from cutting every chance I got and now I just do it when deppresed or sometimes just cuz.I'm not doing good right now but I know from the past things will get better.I think that all.

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by MELISSA on Wed Nov 22 03:07:04 2000 (#1460)

THANK YOU SO MUCH

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by Sara on Tue Nov 21 13:25:23 2000 (#1454)

Well, I have read these posts and I feel sort of like Maggie did in hers...my problems are mud on someone's shoes compared to the rest of these life-shattering confusions. I will tell my story, though... I'm a 14 year old girl living with my mother and grandmother. My father walked out on my mom and I when I was only 1 [they were never married, but she was very much in love with him,] and he played dirty in court. He drank a lot and sold drugs, which they didn't know, but the drinking was enough to just get me visitation with him. Now every time I see him, it is ongoing hours of verbal abuse, how ugly I am, how my mother doesn't do what she's supposed to do, and on and on. My mom, when I tell her these things, is passive, because she, after all these years, is still in love with him. I've grown up fast---when I was 13, I passed for a 23 year old, and only about 2 months ago, my uncle molested me. Another uncle had just tried to kill himself, and a small cousin had been admitted to a hospital as a bi-bolar manic-depressive, so I never told. I didn't want to create more turmoil, so I didn't protect myself... Everything in my life has been about 4 years ahead. I never had a childhood. When I was younger, I lost friends because I didn't want to go 'play,' I wanted to get things done around home, things I shouldn't have been worried about. My mom is medicated for depression and does go to therapy, and I feel there is a role reversal---I take care of her. My grandma is 72 now and the most controlling person you've ever met...her words hurt more than most other things in my life, and because I live with her, I see her as a huge factor of my cutting. Whatever I do is wrong...I've gained weight, my clothes don't match, my hair should be a different way, my platform shoes are ridiculous...she's called me names in front of my friends, more than once. My family in general is not a supportive one, and much the opposite. I think when I started throwing up, it was because of how badly I was treated at family functions, and how many insults I received, for various reasons...I was bulimic for about a year, but broke out of it when I allowed my cutting to take over...now I have cut for almost 2 years of my life, and no alternative compares. Nothing is like watching myself bleed. Now, on top of everything else, I am moving from the house in which I've lived for my entire life. [Are we surprised that no one in my family even offered to help???] I never closed any of these chapters of my life...in truth, they are all still open, waiting for the author to add a few more lines. I've got support in my life now that I never had before, from all of you here, and of course from Don. Sometimes I just wish I had a huge eraser that could take those chapters away...

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by Linda on Tue Nov 21 16:18:33 2000 (#1455)

I am still here, more burdened than ever. All I can say to you all is that there is coming a day when there won't be anymore heartache...we must prepare for that day and hope for the future. I wish I could take each one of you in my arms and just mother you for a year. You know what I think...it wouldn't be enough! Nothing will erase the past except to put it in perspective and make the decision to give it to Someone who can cover it up! Of course that will not take away the physical scars and the emotional scars but you can choose to look forward and know that you are still special to Him. Many of you have had traumatic things happen through no fault of your own and yet you want to take the blame for it and carry a heavy weight of guilt. You could give it all to Jesus, Who has already provided for a covering for all your past, present and future. You could stand before God in purity with the garment of Jesus' righteousness covering it all!! Not only that, you could have the promise of a brand new body for eternity...one with no more scars and no more pain!! JOHN 3:16

Re: what are we doing?
Posted by Baleigh on Wed Nov 22 00:39:54 2000 (#1459)

Wow. I somewhat feel like I don't belong here at all. Everyone has been through so much it just makes me feel like all my problems are pathetic and that I should just grow up. Jesus... I feel like crap now. Here's my story however...

Let's see. I was a beautiful baby. Looking at baby pictures one would have thought I would have gone places. I suppose I still have time to... but all the same. My childhood was the best it could have been. My mom and dad love me more than I can imagine... my grandparents tought the world of me and still do... and I just grew up in a very loving family. It's the type when we're all actually together we cry... a southern extremely Christian thing... I suppose. Although my dad wasn't ever really around. He was a teacher and a baseball coach... so he was always at spring training, practice, and games. So that just left my mother and I. I mean... things were basically perfect. Then my mothers ex-husband came back into the picture. She left my father adn we were going to move to SC so they could get re-married. I hated the man. I prayed every night that he would just go away. (This was of course when I believe in God just because it was the thing everyone else in my family did) Well... he did, indeed, go away. In fact he called my mother up at work and told her that things wouldn't work out... 3 weeks later he was married to wife #8 whom of which was only 18. Anyway. it was obviously too late to patch things up with my dad so we moved down the street. That's when I got fat. I was in 5th grade. Then my mother started dating a guy she used to work with... we moved to St. Cloud... lived in really shitty apartments... then they got married the end of my 6th grade year and we moved into his house. I guess that's when the depression set in. I had no friends. I was fat. Blah. 7th grade sucked. It was the 1st time I SIed... though I don't think it counts. My friends and I burned our boyfriends initials into our ankles. 8th grade started my obsession with the Gothic culture. With that came more depression. Then I went crazy one night in my freshmen year. My mom pissed me off and I paced around my room, hysterical... and started digging my nails into my arms.. then I found a thumb tack and scratched like all hell. That lead to knicking myself in the shower... then I started taking the razors apart... blah blah blah. I dunno. That's my story. I SI when things get crappy. But I don't have something hidden in my past as to why I started... now I feel so pathetic! Oh well...

You belong, too.
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Nov 22 04:18:49 2000 (#1462)

Don't feel bad about feeling different. You have a right to be here just as much as any of us. Everybody has a different level of stress in their personal lives. I know nothing very drastic has happened to me compared to the things that happen every day in some parts of the world, like Bosnia. Maybe we become immune to our problems, numb. We start to not feel them so much after a while. You're not pathetic and you don't need to grow up. I suspect that like most everyone here, you had to grow up and deal with things you weren't ready for. As for belonging, you do, because I'm adopting you! There, now you're part of our unconventional family. You'll find that no one of us is exactly alike, but we love each other dearly and we love you too.

Love, DB

P.S. Are you southern too? What part? I'm in East Tennessee.

Re: You belong, too.
Posted by Baleigh on Thu Nov 23 16:27:38 2000 (#1482)

: ) Thanks so much! Hehe... it feels good to be adopted! But I forgot to add that whenever the depression started... it was because of the meds I was on. My complexion wasn't the greatest... so they put me on Acutane. A year later they've discoverd that it has lead to depression in many of the people who've taken it... and has resulted in numerous suicides. I'm just glad that I'm not on it anymore... and that my face has cleared up a lot. Unfortunatly... I think the depression is still sticking around... but my mom thinks I'm kidding whne I tell her that I may need to get some anti-depressants or something. Oh well. But thank you so much, DB, you've made me feel a lot better. But I have to confess that I went off again the other night. I cut deeper than I ever have before and I freaked out. Almost passed out at that! but I think that it's the last time I SI... I really plan on stopping because the way I look at it... I'm only gonna get deeper from this point on if I continue. Wonder how long this'll last!

Questions?
Posted by Nuni on Tue Nov 21 17:45:15 2000 (#1456)

Hey you all, After reading everyones reasons, or hardships..what now?? I mean I am still having problems having any kind of intimate relationship with my husband.. I mean in the beginning it was nice. I of course, went through a period of careless casual sexual relationships.. another of my self-destructive modes. Getting drunk and blacking out. This man comes along and I suppose you could say rescued me.. Five years later of off again on again, and discovering the mess I (was) or am, and he hung in there. He must see somehting I cant about me...anyway..married, no kids (we cant conceive), and I am going back to being so afraid of touching, hugging, or just getting close to him or anyone.. I know I am just rambling, Im sorry .. I just feelso empty. I remember having feelings, I just cant reach them.. where are they???

Re: Questions?
Posted by laura rose on Tue Nov 21 19:27:50 2000 (#1457)

Well, I don't claim to have all of the answers here. Could it be that the cutting is taking the place of feeling? I mean, if you didn't cut.... what would happen? Would you completely lose it and not be able to handle it? I know that's a lot of why I cut. It takes the feelings that are about to pour out of me and it turns it in to blood. Almost like a drug. You need to do what is right for you. I think you need to find a counselor, if you haven't already and make sure it is someone that will listen. The problem there is, you are going to have to trust someone. So you need to find out if you are ready for that. If not, then know there will be a time when you are ready for that. I mean, it took me over 7 years to finally even want to be ready. And as far as I know, there are no programs for SI like there are for alcoholism, drug abuse, and eating disorders. When asking everyone their story... I knew that it would come down to "now what?"... Well, now what is up to each and every one of us. What do we do now? All of us are not ready to do something. But some of us may be. One thing all of us have learned is that we can't count 100% on anyone else but ourselves... nobody can change us but US. So... for me.. I am going to try to go a week without cutting. Maybe for Thanksgiving I am going to go downtown and help feed the homeless. One thing I have learned about SI.. as unselfish the intentions are when cutting.. it makes your world revolve around nothing but you somehow... does that make sense? Any way.. I thought to put some of my focus on those less fortunate than me. I don't know what direction this step is in, but it sure as hell beats standing her wallowing in the same crap I have wallowed in for all these years.

Until there is a cure for SI (which will never happen) all we can do is get ourselves through the day and find a way to murder these demons that kill us over and over again...

Sorry if I was no help at all... ~laura

Re: Questions?
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 22 06:01:57 2000 (#1464)

Laura!! Thats just it.. You did help me, I mean. It has become easier for me to face this crap I call my life HEAD on.. I am seeing a therapist, and he is great!! He reminds me of your counselor he suggested that if I am not ready to quit cutting I dont have to... and I know why I come here. I find comfort, and everyone is caring.. I love you for giving so much of you. Therapy is helping me, and so is this place. Like you I am giving of myself this Holiday season.. I am sure you have heard of this organization that accepts HAIR donations. Well as you know there are many women, young girls, people in general that lose their hair due to the chemo they go through. This year I decided to donate mine. My hair is about 14 inches long and thick. Long enough to maybe make two small wigs for two small girls. I know it isnt much, but I am so convinced that it may make a difference in how someone feels about him/herself. anyhow.. Laura Rose, you have made such a difference, I dont feel alone. Yes the question remains, now what? but it isnt a lonely journey after all. ~~Hugs to you my new found friend.~~~

almost 5 weeks...
Posted by Anka on Tue Nov 21 20:14:56 2000 (#1458)

On Thursday it would have been five weeks since I cut myself, but it wount be.I made some deep cuts earlier today...some of them are so deep you can se the fat just coming out, but it really suprised me when I cut, when you come deep enough it doesnt hurt. Not at all. On of my new cuts are at least one centimeter, I didnt try to stick the knife longer, I dont know, just didnt. I felt so relief and calm, this was maybe my best cut ever, it didnt bleed so much, not like some of the others, but the fat was there, coming out. It gave me a good feeling, maybe now I finally can cut really deep, I have been to much of a coward to do that before. Im smiling to my cut, I love them.Im a little dissapointed because I hadent cut in so many weeks, but now I just feel sogood, it really helped.

I know its not interesting, but I had to tell someone...

Love Anka

Re: almost 5 weeks...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Nov 22 04:10:47 2000 (#1461)

It's comforting in a way, isn't it? I know it can be for me. Then I just feel that much worse because I feel freakish for what I've done. But hey, you made it almost 5 weeks. That's more than I can say for myself. And if you can make it that long, you can try for an even longer period of time when you're ready.

I love you, DB

wanting to save you all.
Posted by laura rose on Wed Nov 22 05:22:15 2000 (#1463)

DB and I were talking this morning and we both feel the same way... we want to save all of you.... We want to take all of you. To come to all of your houses... pick you up... take you to Canada and we will all live in a big house... those of us who could work, would... and we would all take care of eachother... lol... i know it's crazy and all.. but for some reason it's kind of a comforting thought. Could you imagine living in a house full of people that you can relate to?? It would be really neat.. any way... it just goes to show how much our lives affect the lives of others here...

*hugs* ~laura

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 22 06:11:36 2000 (#1465)

That sounds good to me. I would be in charge of doing laundry I love doing laundry. I would go to work too, but still I love doing laundry. especially bedding. Nothin like crisp sheets. anyways who else would do what??? I love your idea

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by Maggie on Wed Nov 22 06:57:30 2000 (#1466)

I LOVE cooking, so if anyone doesn't mind my food, I'd love to be the chef. I'm glad Nuni likes doing laundry because I hate it. I guess it's because it takes me 10 times longer than most because I am kinda obsessive-compulsive with folding and ironing. I have to make sure there are absolutely no crinkles, pegs all match, everythings laid straight etc.

I do like vaccuuming though, and cleaning doesn't bother me...

Oh yeah, and if we are in Canada we have to have a big old Maple Tree in the yard, and a white picket fence too!!!

And you guys can help me with my medical research into SI and other mental disorders. Did I tell you I am majoring in neurobiology and gonna do SI as my research project next year??? I hope one day to be able to find something that will help us all out!!!

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by Lost on Wed Nov 22 07:41:28 2000 (#1467)

OOOOHHHHH I'll be the baby-sitter!!! and the one who takes care of all the animals... I LOVE KIDS AND ANIMALS!!!!! and I'll work graveyard shift so everyone will be home to watch the kids when i'm at work.

And Nuni, U won't have to clean my bed stuff cuz I HATE sheets. I know that sound yucky, but sheets suck to me. they always come off (cuz I have disturbed sleep) so its better without them!!!

OH and I love cleaning bathrooms... and I don't even mind scrubbing toilets... :)

Oh and we have to have a BIG HUGE field and stuff so we can go just lay out in the field on a nice day or lay under the stars at night time!! ooooohhhh can we have a horse too? PLEASE :) ehhehe ok thats my addition to our house..... uhhhh IF I'M INVITED!

(Hey u know when females live together, they're periods coincide... so could u imagine a house FULLLLL of a bunch of depressed girls who are all on their periods at the same TIME!!!!! hehehe)

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 22 08:07:38 2000 (#1468)

Sounds good to me, Horses sure, I would love to learn how to ride. Maggie, I would love to teach you how to fold clothes the way i learned in the military, talk about meticulous (sp??) Lost, no bedding no problem, besides I hate to cook!! I love dogs and I wouldnt mind taking them out for long runs. I love long distance running, keeps my mind clear (not always) still... Canada, I would love it..

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by laura rose on Wed Nov 22 09:24:11 2000 (#1469)

Well, you guys will love me then.. I have 2 horses. An arab and an arab pinto. OMG!!! All of us on the rag.... now that would be awful... haha... Maybe Neal would want to live with us... oh man... it would be soooo great guys. I like to clean too... but I do have a son, so I wouldnt be able to work all the time.. COuld you all picture us with a big white house and a white pickett fence... oh man... lol.. one of the roomates entire paychecks would have to go for medical supplies (okay, bad joke)... but I felt the need to lighten this whole thing a bit, ya know??? I love all of you and of course all of you would be invited.... ~laura

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by katie on Wed Nov 22 09:54:30 2000 (#1470)

hm, i don't usually cook but i'm good at taking orders in the kitchen. just tell me what to do. and sometimes i go on random cleaning sprees. i like doing laundry, too. heehee. lots of animals, definitely a horse. a garden, flower and vegetable. this is lovely. that's all for now, back to my philosophy paper. i don't think i'll sleep tonight. but that's ok. it'll be fun... ;)

katie

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by Linda on Wed Nov 22 15:12:04 2000 (#1471)

LOL You guys are great! You've got me thinking about leaving my family and moving to Canada to be the Mom and prayer warrior for the group! (Even though that would irritate some!) Just joking! I think you are doing a good thing here....putting your mind to something light and including hope. Because the Bible says: Philippians 4:8 "...whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, THINK ON THESE THINGS." And you thought Norman Vincent Peale was the author of positive thinking! ; ) Love to all, Linda

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Nov 22 17:29:15 2000 (#1472)

This is so cool!! Now I really wanna go! Since everyone has picked out their chores, I feel obliged to do the same. I guess I will cut the grass. I love doing that, even if it's a push mower. I know most people hate it, but I hate laundry! I will also decorate the whole house with butterfly stickers and magnets. You know I have to! Of course my cats, Samantha and George will be coming along. Linda is of course invited. She could be like everyone's aunt. Neal could come too, we need a man to kill spiders and see what's making creepy noises outside the window at night! I know babysitting and animals has been taken, but I'd help with those too. I could also help with the garden, since I live on a farm already. We have to have an herb garden with lavender and mint, too. I love this whole thing. We seem to be looking on the bright side for once! Also, I make a killer zucchini bread. don't turn up your nose yet, it's delicious and full of cinnamon! OOOhhh and cookies! Who makes good chocolate chip cookies? Maggie? Laura, this is the best idea yet!!!

Love, DB

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 22 18:55:58 2000 (#1473)

How about oatmeal raisin cookies? I bake those, yummy!!! Oh you guys are so awesome. Its settled, I am in charge of laundry, and bringin in some kind of income. I will give you some recipes, because I hate to cook, but I love to eat. Thats probably whyI run so much, keeps me a little trim. SO, who is up for a run with me?? I am so happy, I read through everyones ideas, you guys are the best. We have yet to hear from Neal... Im sure he wouldnt have a problem jumping in to rescue us..spiders? insects? things that go bump in the night, and when are faced with a crisis just think, we wont have to clean ourselves up on our own for a change, because it wont be a dirty little secret.. Hopefully we wont need to cut anymore, because we all know what eachother (in a sense) is going through. On Friday nights we can sit around and read to each other what we have written, DB, Laura Rose (Poetry) I can read my short stories, and anyone else who may have something to share... Of course Aunt Linda, you will be there to offer guidance. Nice very nice...

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by Christine on Wed Nov 22 21:02:31 2000 (#1474)

I like dusting and vacuming.I want to have a pond w/ pretty colored angel fish.Can we decorate the house w/ fearys and mushrooms too?On the weekends we all can go hiking or riding.I like to do things outside.I love animals and they are so relaxing and beautiful.We'd have to have cats and dogs and every animal amaginable.I have to bring my cat and dog or I wouldnt be able to live.And we could have a huge family room and we could all sit around and play games and watch tv.

(And I could were short sleeves and wouldnt have to woory about any one judging me like my mom)

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by Baleigh on Thu Nov 23 16:39:14 2000 (#1485)

If we could even get the chance to wear short sleeves! Canada is freakin' COLD! LoL... we could go around freezing though... just to prove a point and to be free from the hassles. May catch namonia (SP)... but hell... who cares? : )

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by Darkrose on Sun Nov 26 22:16:42 2000 (#1544)

Yeah, we'll wear short-sleeves and shorts - and we have to have a pool, too. Nobody will have to feel self-conscious. I used to love swimming.

I can help in the garden (I'm a country girl too.) I don't mind working at some small job, or caring for small pets. Oh, and while we're on the topic of decorating . . . can I have a wall or so for masks? I'm slightly obsessed, as I think I mentioned.

This sounds like such a great idea . . . Canada's a bit far from NYC though, although I suppose I could tolerate that.

We may have to soundproof my room, though, unless someone else here likes Broadway and folk turned up way too loud and sung to off-key.

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by Maggie on Thu Nov 23 13:16:20 2000 (#1480)

Yeah I can bake Choc Chip Cookies, but I make awesome Afghans!

Re: wanting to save you all.
Posted by Baleigh on Thu Nov 23 16:33:51 2000 (#1484)

LoL... I haven't read all the posts through yet... so I hope someone else hasn't said they wanted to be the interior decorator! Hehe... how much fun would it be to have a house of our own... ya'll could give me your ideas... each room would have a theme! LoL... I'm getting all giddy! And DB... If orgot to tell ya in my last post. I live in FL... but my whole family is from Arkansas... : )

It's settled. Pack your bags!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Nov 22 22:59:07 2000 (#1475)

Okay, let's go! Have we heard from everyone? If not, better book your flight. We all have our jobs to do and we know that at least one of us can cook. We can decorate with whatever seems like a good idea. Oh, and everyone will get to wear tank tops and shorts (when summer comes) and no one will get looked at funny! I love the idea of having a big field to lay in to look at stars. We could have picnics, too. We could have a huge CD collection, ya know! My area of contribution will be the Goo Goo Dolls. Laura has lots of Sarah McLachlan. I don't know about the poetry readings! I get embarassed reading my stuff out loud, but feel free to do it while I'm not in the room. Of course, I'll listen to everyone else's stuff! Ya know, this would really seriously rock if we could do this.

Love to all, DB

Re: It's settled. Pack your bags!!
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 23 00:57:26 2000 (#1477)

Lets do this!! Laying looking at stars, shorts and tank tops? sounds good..this would be great. :O

Re: It's settled. Pack your bags!!
Posted by katie on Thu Nov 23 01:49:04 2000 (#1478)

yes, yes, everyone is fabulous!

*grins* ha this sounds so great. we need a retreat, or a summer camp, or something. we just need each other. we need lots of animals and gardens and stars. we need to live with people who see us instead of our skin.

*sigh* well, we need lots of things. this is marvelous, though.

katie

Re: It's settled. Pack your bags!!
Posted by Sara on Thu Nov 23 01:59:18 2000 (#1479)

WOW!!!!! If I have ever heard a good idea before, this is definately it, DB. Jeez, to be able to wear a tank top and not have someone ask me, "WHAT IS THAT ALL OVER YOUR ARM???" or to cry and scream and feel pain, and have no one tell me to be strong be strong, hide those angry emotions away...I want to share my deepest, bloodiest poetry and not be looked at as if I should be locked away. Laying down to look at the stars...something I never give myself time for...I'm living 30 hour days, when all I WANT to do is sit and talk to someone who understands... Tell me when and where, and I'll be there. <3<3<3

Re: It's settled. Pack your bags!!
Posted by Maggie on Thu Nov 23 13:22:17 2000 (#1481)

Tell me when and I'll book my flight!!! Would you guys mind if I brought along my drum kit and piano??? I know it's noisy but bashing the hell out of drums is so therapeutic at times, and you guys could all benefit from it. Oh and I have to bring my 2 turtles along. Their names are Murtle and Melvin and they think fingers are food...but they are really cute!

And my bedroom has to be pink because I heard that's what colour they put in psych rooms because it calms people down!

And DB, can you decorate my room with butterflies too??? Also please explain how zucchini and cinnamon go well together...

This is really fun... Ciao for now, Maggie.

Re: It's settled. Pack your bags!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Nov 23 16:32:38 2000 (#1483)

Of course I'll decorate your room with butterflies! As for zucchini and cimmamon, it's a mystery of nature, but trust me, zucchini bread is definitely dessert! It also has nuts in it. How I wish that this trip were really happening.....I could (pretend) plan this thing forever and never give up hope. This is good, though. At least everyone is excited about something. I'm glad Laura Rose posted about our little dream home!

Love, DB

Re: It's settled. Pack your bags!!
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 23 19:37:04 2000 (#1488)

Oh my goodness. Maggie, I have been collecting turtles since I was little. anyway, I have over thirty turtles different kinds, ceramic, porcelain. i use to have live ones too!!! This is so awesom. I really wish our fantasy could come true. It gives me hope though, that great people actually do exist, and one day maybe I will meet everyone of you!! My bags will always be packed!!! ;)

Re: It's settled. Pack your bags!!
Posted by laura rose on Thu Nov 23 21:16:48 2000 (#1493)

God you guys... this would be soo awesome.. We could have a ban on long sleeved shirts. We could have people that understand. We could feel like we belong.. all those other people out there would be the freaks... lol... we would be "normal"... And I think we would all get better in our own time. Geez... if I lived in a big enough place, I would invite you all here to stay. But it gives us something to shoot for, right (or should I say "eh")? I can do pretty much anything, so my chores can spread to a little of everything. Ooo.. I have two cats, btw... Mortimer and Maia..... both females... (and fixed)... I looooove this idea.. it sounds like so much fun...

~laura rose

Vulnerable
Posted by neal on Wed Nov 22 23:14:17 2000 (#1476)

You are forced to pretend outward resp[ect for people and institutions you find riduculous...you remain cowardly attached to moral or social conventions you despise, condemn and which you know lack all foundations...its the permenant contridiction between your ideas and desires on one hand and all the dead forms and vain phantoms of your civilisation on the other that makes you sad troubled and unbalanced. In that intolerable conflict you lose all joy of life and all feelings of personality becasue every moment the free play of your strengh is restrained, impeded and checked. Thats the poisonous and mortal wound of the civilised world

Octave Mirbeau The torture Garden

I recomend it those with a strong stomach.

I hate purity I hate goodness I don't want virtue to exist anywhere I want everyone corrupt

G. Orwell

Re: Vulnerable
Posted by Sara on Thu Nov 23 19:12:55 2000 (#1487)

I guess all I have to say to this is wow...

Re: Vulnerable
Posted by rachel on Sun Nov 26 19:26:35 2000 (#1539)

heya

that it on the manic street preachers album - the holy bible. richey the lyric write loved Orwell. i also know that of by heart

Thanksgiving
Posted by Lost on Thu Nov 23 18:07:08 2000 (#1486)

Hey everyone... hehehe I know we all don't think there's much to be thankful for... but HEY HAPPY THANKSGIVING ANYWAY!!! muah!

Re: Thanksgiving
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 23 19:39:12 2000 (#1490)

Ditto... Ya'll have a Happy Turkey Day. Make sure you watch the parade. you should never miss the parade. Dont ask me why.... XOXOXOXO

Re: Thanksgiving
Posted by Kate on Fri Nov 24 01:01:37 2000 (#1498)

I have a lot to be thankful for. I just never think I deserve it at all. I have a great family, friends and an education. But if you don't love yourself it is hard to enjoy.

I'm such a waste of time
Posted by Sara on Thu Nov 23 19:38:21 2000 (#1489)

I once cut in the morning...things were too much, and I sliced up my wrist, slammed some tissue on it, and went to school...when I got there, I seeked a friend who SIs sometimes, 'knowing' I'd get support...crimony, I've never gotten LESS support from anyone! As the day wore on and blood began to dry, more people found out I had done it so recently, and those people continued to ignore it...I didn't get one hug, one smile, one tear...nothing. I felt invisible. I wanted to stand up in the middle of class and scream, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? I SLICED MY WRIST WITH A RAZORBLADE, WHY IS THAT NOT A BIG DEAL TO YOU? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW I FELT WHILE I WAS DOING THIS???????? But I didn't scream, didn't cry...I got home and talked to a friend later. Well, I thought she was a friend...I asked her why no one did anything, and she ATTACKED me...the bottom line is, she told me she had talked to a few people during the day who all agreed that trying to help was a waste of time. "After all, Sara, you have been cutting for almost 2 years, we've tried to help but you don't listen...people get tired of that." WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!??!?!?!?!? Let's tell Sara she's a waste of time so she can be alone again...let's give up now so that even though she may have been close to loving herself again, she can go back to the beginning. Why do people THINK like that??? Why does it become a WASTE OF TIME to help someone who wants to DIE? And if I'm really a waste of time...I don't know why I search for love...

Re: I'm such a waste of time
Posted by laura rose on Thu Nov 23 21:07:50 2000 (#1492)

Sara... If there is one thing that without a doubt am... it's honest. If I thought you were a waste of time, I would have no problem telling you that. You are NOT a waste of time. Perhaps your friends are feeling a bit weak and helpless. Nobody wants to admit to being either of those things, so it is easier for them to dismiss the person or the situation that makes you feel that way. I know your first reaction is to blame yourself.. and that no matter what I say, you are still going to continue to do it yourself. But know that we all love you and are here for you... Do any of us live near eachother? I'm in Seattle, WA... I wish that I could meet all of you... I don't know where everyone is, and I also know that this isn't the smartest thing in the world.. but if any of you ever need someone to talk to.... please call me.. my # is (206)824-2237... i love all ove you and am here for you 24/7 whenever you need someone... take care....

~laura

Re: I'm such a waste of time
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 23 21:45:59 2000 (#1495)

Sara, We love you, and we are here for you. You have to remember, we are no longer sensitive to this because we live IT. Some of those people dont. People are afraid of what they dont understand. We always and forever remain here for you..Hugs to you! I love you

Re: I'm such a waste of time
Posted by Baleigh on Fri Nov 24 16:15:30 2000 (#1501)

You are SO not a waste of time, hunny! All those assholes who treated you like that are a waste of YOUR time. I'm thinking your in high school... correct? Just think... as soon as your done with school and are out of that place... you'll begin to meet REAL people...not the self-centered jerks that we a forced to be around during our high school years!

Re: I'm such a waste of time
Posted by Sara on Fri Nov 24 20:10:09 2000 (#1504)

To Laura Rose, thank you so much for your honesty, and the gesture of your phone number...I will not hesitate to call, if I should ever need to talk. I am in Lakewood, Ohio...I wish I could meet all of you too, so I could be with the people who seem to REALLY care... Nuni, thanks for your kind words and I love you too...sometimes I think we are the only ones who really understand the meaning of those words. Things just look so much better after I hear that I am loved here... And Baleigh, thank you, you all have helped me see that I am really not a waste of time. I am in 8th grade, so I get to the HS next year, but it's all the same situation...ever since I was little, my number one dream was to finally excape into the real world and meet understanding people, just like you said. I hope I can make it til then...I love you all so much.

Re: I'm such a waste of time
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Nov 25 01:09:40 2000 (#1509)

Ick! Junior high!? Geez... honey.... that sucks! But lemme tell you... high school IS better than JR high. It's still not all that great... but it does get better! HS is less clique-orientated. You're friends with whom you're friends with... and it really doesn't matter either way! : ) Love ya too, Sweetie!

Re: I'm such a waste of time
Posted by Sara on Sat Nov 25 01:32:03 2000 (#1511)

Thank you again, so much, for writing back once more and giving me this support...I have heard that HS is better, and I have been looking forward to finally getting there for years now...I only pray it meets all my hopes. Love always..

missed a lot
Posted by Don on Thu Nov 23 19:40:41 2000 (#1491)

well hola mi amigos and amigas. i havent come by here in awhile, my apologies are extended. i came to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. I want you to do sumthing for me. I Know ur life may seem perty bad. And it honestly may be, but do this. Think of at least 2 things you are really thankful for and it may help you a bit. i dunno but i hope u all have a good Thanksgiving. I Love You allllllllllll. especially Sara. bye bye for now. as always e-mail if u need anything, anybody!!

~Don~

Re: missed a lot
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Nov 23 21:20:25 2000 (#1494)

Two things we are thankful for? Okay, I'll do it! I'm thankful for my friends here on this board *blows a kiss* and I'm thankful for leather pants on attractive men! Okay, I felt like saying something silly! Still, I seriously do love leather pants.....

Distracted now, DB ;D

Re: missed a lot
Posted by laura rose on Thu Nov 23 22:14:08 2000 (#1496)

I am thankful for my son, and for this message board... my alternate one is harrison ford.. he gives me something nice to look at... =)

~laura

Re: missed a lot
Posted by Sara on Fri Nov 24 20:12:58 2000 (#1505)

Well, because my friends here are not really friends, I'd have to say that my 2 things to be thankful for are the FRIENDS ON THIS BOARD, because you have all helped me so much...and of course of course of course Don...I don't think I can even expand on him. I'm just so grateful...

Re: missed a lot
Posted by katie on Fri Nov 24 20:41:01 2000 (#1506)

oh i am thankful right now. :)

here is one silly little thing i am thankful for, that is that my four suitemates are gone for break so i have all the room(s) to myself, and last night i wore a t-shirt and pj pants to bed. i haven't worn a t-shirt in months. it was cool.

real things i am thankful for, though: my family my cats my friends at home my friends at school (who i know want to help me and maybe someday i'll be able to give them a chance) YOU all of you, my message board friends, my big house in canada friends... my school my church(es)

too many other things, i can't think of them all right now.

thank you. love, katie

slash and burn
Posted by neall on Thu Nov 23 23:39:00 2000 (#1497)

I cut myself deeper than ever today. I watched the crimson tide flow down my arm and basked in the warmth and peace you only ever feel when you release all of your pent up frustrations and pain and dig deep into your flesh. It felt so good, there is never any pain just an almost sexual feeling of release and relaxation. Surprisingly there was no regret afterwards just a blissful feeling of knowing how you can hang on the edge balancing between points and choosing which side to come down on. Its weird I used struggle about my feelings towards it but now I realise that its enjoyable, that it makes me feel better, fuck what anyone else thinks it isn't their body and I can do whatever the hell I want. I've never felt so good about something in my life. I think the combination of hate and loathiing and fear and humiliation and disgust, this huge amalgamation of feelings and just to let go by tearing your skin to ribbons just gives this kind of non human feeling, the way everything slows down. Its like when the air is really muggy and a good thunderstorm clears the air.

I don't won't to upset people especially those who are trying to stop but this is the way I feel about it right now, im sorry I'm so fucked up. apologies to everyone.

And I used to be such a nice boy...

'Once, I remember well, my life was a feast where all hearts opened and all wines flowed. Alas the gospel has gone by! Suppose damnation were eternal! Then a man who would mutilate himself is well damned isn't he?' - Arthur Rimbaud

Re: slash and burn
Posted by laura rose on Fri Nov 24 01:50:46 2000 (#1499)

Neal... No need to apologize... you just described what I just spent the greater portion of my day doing. I gave up on this week of not cutting. I too have realized how much I love it. It makes me feel above. Like I am not human. I want to stand in front of a huge crowd and slash myself up and watch their golden innocent faces turn to aging stares of disgust and torment. I want them to look at me and see I am not human. I want to break my bones with blunt heavy objects and laugh like I just won the lottery. I want to come as close to death as I can just to see what I would do. I want to deform my body so no man will want to touch me.. to rape me.. to feel inside the inside of me with his phallic tongue. I want to be hated and degraded by my own doing... I want to have blank stares and hollow eyes that show a core that feels nothing. I want to be walking death. I want to go to the bone every time and laugh like a child who just saw his first rainbow. I want to have nightmares of being raped and actually enjoy them. All these thoughts.. fucked up? Perhaps.. but do I care? Not really, no... I apologize if I offended any of you... but right now, my head is elswhere...

~laura

Re: slash and burn
Posted by Baleigh on Fri Nov 24 16:26:15 2000 (#1502)

Wow... I just hope both of you are okay! Like Neal I cut the deepest ever the other night... but it scared the shit out of me. I don't want to die. I don't want people to be afraid of me... or afriad to say certain things around me that could set me off (God I hate that... it ruined a perfectly good relationship for me) I don't want people to look at me and the only thing they can think is 'Oh my God.' I guess we're all different, huh? But really... I do hope both of you are okay! Email me if ya need to talk... or IM me... either way works!

Walls...
Posted by Christine on Fri Nov 24 06:10:17 2000 (#1500)

Every hospital I'v been 2 the walls were blue. And one time I asked why and they told me it was a sothing color and they always used lite colors cuz they were calming.

Re: Walls...
Posted by Baleigh on Fri Nov 24 16:28:25 2000 (#1503)

Hmmm... colors haven't ever worked for me, damn it! My walls used to be pale yellow... now they are gray! LoL! Both are light colors... but they haven't done me any bit of good. Oh well...

Re: Walls...
Posted by laura rose on Sat Nov 25 10:19:03 2000 (#1513)

the place i was at last night had white walls.. and lemme tell ya.. i was anything but calm....

they think I'm crazy
Posted by laura rose on Fri Nov 24 21:14:15 2000 (#1507)

Well.. guess who just spent the entire night in the psych ward holding tank at the hospital? Yup! me... Apparantly one of my friends called the police. They came to my house and if I went willingly there was a chance that I could get out sooner. But if i went unwillingly, I was mandatory 3 days. So.. a nice ambulance ride where I was asked over and over why I was trying to kill myself. Then a 4 hour wait to talk to the social worker. She asked me what was going on, I told her and she said that in a little while I could go. So, I got home at like 5 this morning. I don't get that. The whole time I was there, all I could think of was cutting. Part of the time, I was strapped to my bed ~ they took the control away from me. Don't they get it? It is situations like that that make me cut MORE... I really hate the lack of understanding in the psychology world for SI.. you would think they would try harder to understand more... At least I am understood here

~laura

Re: they think I'm crazy
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Nov 24 22:58:12 2000 (#1508)

I don't know what to say. I love you, you know that, right? We all know you're not crazy. Why did you try to kill yourself? The usual stress or did something happen? I have a poem I wrote last night and I need help naming it. Will you help me? Here it is:

You stole my soul when I couldn't say no and it's getting hard to breathe. Playing on my trust you said your soul was gone. I was the only relief that you'd ever known and if you could only borrow my soul, then you'd know how it feels to love. You thought you might love me, but couldn't be sure, and I gave you my soul to try. Once in your hands, you wouldn't let go. I wanted it back 'cause you said you lied. You wouldn't let go of my poor bruised soul and I can't seem to catch my breath. I'm choking on the lies and you won't let me win. You stole my soul and I can't let that go. You took all I had and damn, there's no air and I run outside to ease my lungs with you running right beside me. so you've taken my soul, the thing I need most, and now you won't give it back. But you're not content with just one gift. I wonder what's next and then I laugh for I know that look in your eye. So I pull back my hair and offer my throat. You smile and accept with no hesitance and I feel your teeth sink in. I'm gasping for air, but it's still not there and I realize that we are in Hell. I'm really cold now 'cause you've bled me dry and now I don't need the air. Just look at my soul, it's withered away inside your dead heart and I don't want it back anymore. You've got what you want, now leave me alone. I don't want to see you right now. I hate how this feels, and I hate you still more, but my lungs have cease to burn.

I hope this formats right. Will you help me name it Laura? Or anyone? I'll take any suggestions. I love you, Laura.

Love to all, DB

Re: they think I'm crazy
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Nov 25 01:19:20 2000 (#1510)

I love ya too, Laura! : ) The thing I don't get is why do people feel the need to 'tattle.' ESPECIALLY when in your mind absolutely everything is under control!? And I don't understand why they felt the need to strap you down, or anyone else for that matter. I think this is what drives me to want to open my own place... and to become a shrink or something. I know that I'm not always in my right mind, but at least I know what the hell the other person is going through. And if one was sent to my 'clinic' or 'insitution,' if you will, it surely wouldn't be like the ones we're shipped off to now. Oh well though. One could only dream, I suppose. And, DB, that was a wonderful poem. I don't think it came out the way you wanted to though, did it? If not, could you email it to me in the correct format? I'd like to put it in my journal. Of course, only if you feel comfy with it! No hard feelings if you aren't! : ) Take care, ya'll!

I cant wait...
Posted by Christine on Sat Nov 25 02:06:33 2000 (#1512)

I'm going to get together with a special person tomarrow and I cant wait.Oh I so excited!I'm not gonna cut tonite I'm to happy ( just wanted to share my happyness w/ all of u even though this post made no sence.)

Re: I cant wait...
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Nov 25 17:33:07 2000 (#1515)

Hehe... it doesn't matter if it makes sense or i it doesn't! But it's quite evident that you're happy... and that's all that really matters... now isn't it? : )

my e-mail
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Nov 25 17:10:04 2000 (#1514)

has anyone gotten e-mail from me in the last few days? I e-mailed Laura and Baleigh. I also wrote to Sara a few days ago. I can't tell if anyone is getting them or not. If you didn't, let me know and I'll use another address.

Love, DB

Re: my e-mail
Posted by laura rose on Sat Nov 25 19:50:18 2000 (#1516)

Hey db... yeah i got your email... i also got some *stuff* in the mail... thanks hon.. I'll talk to you more about it when you get on AIM...

~laura

Re: my e-mail
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Nov 25 20:00:31 2000 (#1517)

Yup... yup... got mine too!

Bleh...
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Nov 25 22:47:16 2000 (#1518)

I'm like... super lonely right now! LoL.. I have been all day. I haven't had a damned thing to do or a damned person to talk to all day! I've gotten online like 10 times today... and here I am, once again, singing to myself just to hear a voice! Sometiems I really think I can sing... but then when I get around others it's like nothing wants to come out of my mouth! Ugh! I hate that! I'm extremely jealous of everyone who can sing! And then I have NO email either! What's the point of coming online if you've no email? At the same time... I had to uninstall Winamp because my puter was runnign low on memory... so now I can't listen to my Gothic radio stations anymore... which of course is yet another bummer! It's just a crappy sort of day!

Re: Bleh...
Posted by laura rose on Sun Nov 26 02:42:13 2000 (#1521)

Hey baleigh, I'm feeling lonely too, so I'm there with ya... do you have AIM or anything? If so, let me know... I'm sorry that you feel alone, but know that there are a lot of people on this board that have those thoughts, and we are all always here for you... ok? take care *hugs* ~laura rose

Re: Bleh...
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 26 02:56:28 2000 (#1522)

Hello MS. "Bleh", You are not alone. As long as you dont vut when you are bored, thats good. I mean, not to long ago, I did what you have been doing all day. I never get e-mail, unless I am forwarding somehting to myself from another place. How silly is that?? But here I am being totally bored bummed with you. You say you like to sing, give it a yodle, even if you are by yourself, sing to yourself in the mirror, thats cool too (i think) well with all this senseless talk from me all i can do is a offer you a hug and tell you tomorrow may be less bummier. E-mail me if you like I will reply ;)

When you can't HELP someone you love!!!
Posted by Sara on Sun Nov 26 02:30:05 2000 (#1519)

God, why the FUCK does everything get so screwed UP???? Just earlier today, I was telling myself how great it was that I've been so busy, I'm in the process of moving and there's so much to do...I haven't even had TIME to think about cutting myself! And I was so happy... Don is an extremely happy person with minimal problems...but when he gets to feeling down once in a while, he takes me with him...we are so in love and so very connected that just as he can tell when I've cut myself, I can tell when he is feeling bad, and it makes me feel bad too. He took me down with him tonight...I cut myself and he blamed himself and he cried...he had to get offline so I feel even worse because I can't talk it through with him, I can't HELP him!!!!! I feel so weak and vulnerable because I can't help someone I love SO much! I'm sorry that he blamed himself, I never meant for him to...I just came home with great news and talked to him about it, and he wasn't excited because of how he felt, which busted my bubble, and now we're both down for the count...I don't know what to do, I can't call him...he said he will call later but I'm so afraid until then... It may seem like a weird fear, but sometimes I am afraid that Don will try cutting himself. He has tried, just to see, by running a shaving razor ever so lightly across his knee, to 'try to get a feel for what I feel...' but he said even that stung so much and he then understood how bad it really hurts...but I'm afraid he'll seriously cut someday, not just lightly as an experiment, but hard with a razor to bleed, like I do. I don't want that life for him...I'm just scared. I love him so much and I don't want to not be able to help him when he feels this way... Thank you for listening to me cry out, everyone, and Don I love you so much...

Re: When you can't HELP someone you love!!!
Posted by Baleigh on Sun Nov 26 17:46:36 2000 (#1532)

Awww!! Love, I'm really sorry about all that! I know hwat it's like for someone to say that they're the reason you cut... I hate it. I hope you're okay though! And that don is too! : )

Re: When you can't HELP someone you love!!!
Posted by Sara on Sun Nov 26 21:03:04 2000 (#1542)

Thank you so much...I think we are OK...it's just a lot to get over, I guess. Because we are long distance, our relationship is solely based on communication and trust...it's important to me to think I can talk him out of ruts...he helps me when I get in them. I hope I am doing the same for him, and continue to be able to help and support...

Girl, Interupted
Posted by melissa on Sun Nov 26 02:36:16 2000 (#1520)

i think that this is very important...

there's this movie its called "Girl, Interupted". i just finished watching it. you, ALL of you have to see this movie. you you have half the questions i do about why you are the way you are, this video helps give you a start on understanding. understanding isnt curing, but it is a start. Girl, Interupted has helped me more than any therapy, any doctor, any medication, has and ever will. please please, no matter how lame this sounds, rent the movie. i hope it will help you as much as it has helped me.

always, melissa

Re: Girl, Interupted
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 26 02:59:53 2000 (#1523)

funny you mention that... better yet, read the BOOK. It is so much better. Believe it or not it was written like in the 60's but reads totally modern day. I agree, I got so much out of both. reading the book, and watching the movie.

Re: Girl, Interupted
Posted by Baleigh on Sun Nov 26 17:51:45 2000 (#1533)

I agree! I asked for the movie for X-mas... hehe! I absolutely LOVE Angelina Jolie... she's so pretty! And you know that coat she wore??? I had a fit for one... made my grandmother search for one until she found one for me... she had to go to Arkansas to find it... LoL! I'm such a brat!

Re: Girl, Interupted
Posted by Christine on Mon Nov 27 01:10:50 2000 (#1553)

Angelina Jolie is the sexyest person alive.She is so beautiful I would die to look like her.My walls are covered w/ pictures of her.I even buy magazines just cuz shes in them.

im so sad
Posted by melissa on Sun Nov 26 05:03:39 2000 (#1524)

i cant help it. i didnt want to talk about things like this anymore, but i cant help it. i want to die sooo bad. nothing can make this change. i want to cut myself up, rip all my skin off. die. i hurt sooo bad. no one understands, no one could possibly know what its like to be me. i dont even know. im hollow, nothing. i feel nothing but pain and i dont know how to show that, how to express all this pain. it hurts to laugh, to smile. everything is just soo sad. i see bad in everything. there is no "upside" in my life. i can never see the good, my eyes wont let me. im tired! im tired of crying, of hiding, of not knowing, of misunderstanding, of guilt, of blame, of this aching, of emptyness, of these thoughts, of trying, and of living. im just tired and i refuse to sit back and watch the world cave in around me ... i rather DROP DEAD. i dont know what kind of response im looking for or if im looking for one at all, i just wanted to share the pain and anger that i have for myself.

melissa

Re: im so sad
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 26 10:04:55 2000 (#1528)

all I can say is you are not the only one who feels this way.. please hang on... Love exists, and the fact you wrote means there is Hope for you. I love you for that... come back, OK?????

Re: im so sad
Posted by laura rose on Sun Nov 26 18:32:41 2000 (#1535)

And I am in this boat with you guys too... I feel that way... It's like when you see something sad on tv... you can feel that pain so deeply. It's magnified 1,000 times compared to what other see when they look at the same thing. Does that make sense? I think I wrote a poem about it, lemme see if I can find it. Ahh.. here it is, it sucks, but you will get the idea.

Exhibit 9.23.00 Seeing the world through eyes of innocence was not meant to be. Knowing what lies in the cracks of the walls for no one else to see. Turning away at the break of pain to avoid feeling the transgression. Going to the dirty priest and giving their weekly confession. Forgive me God for shopping to much and maxing out my card. I know I need to possess more depth, but a third dimension is hard. The homeless man who I pass by on my way to the daily grind is waving around his empty cup that he intends to fill with wine. How lazy he is and unworthy of help - I haven't a dime to spare. I watch as he coughs up blood on the ground with a disgusted hollow stare. I could never become like him - a waste of a human being. Put on this earth to work like a slave instead of standing there pleading. Stuck in the deep end of shallow and drowing in my wealth. Not even caring that stomachs are empty and draining of their health. This is not me, I can not turn away - I absorb every sign. Please kill my hunger- give me shelter from rain - I want what's rightfully mine.

We are all in the same boat here...

~laura

annoyed
Posted by Selene on Sun Nov 26 05:39:04 2000 (#1525)

hey, Oh my god, My best freind told my then boyfreind that I cut and he broke up with me and he thinks Im crazy. i dont think my life could get any worse. My mom flipped out on me in the car, telling me that I need to stop fucking with everyones mind and to qiut cutting. I dont even know how to feel right now. Is that possible? No body understands me and never will, except maybe other poeple that cut. They keep saying they wanna help me and stupid stuff like that. Dont they see that the more poeple that know and bug me about it just make it worse? Why cant they see that? Im so fed up with my life right now. I feel so weak and I dont think I can take anything else. I feel like all the life has drained out of me or something. I dont even know why Im freakin out like this. It feels good to just tell someone, you know? Thanx for listening poeple. luv ya! Bye bye!!

Re: annoyed
Posted by laura rose on Sun Nov 26 18:12:35 2000 (#1534)

Selene... I'm sooo sorry to hear that. Did you get rid of that friend? I hope so.. you don't need people on your life that are going to betray your trust like that. I'm sorry about your mom.. but think about it.. if it were you who was the mother and you had a child who cut themselves, and you didn't understand it, it woud get frustrating. As educated as one can become these days about SI, the fact is that they will still never GET it unless they have DONE it. She knows you are hurting and she knows there is nothing she can do. It doesn't make the things she says to you right, but I think a lot of the time we expect our parents to understand it and accept it. But truth be told, if I found out my son was cutting.. it would break my heart. I would understand, seeing as how I do it myself. But even then, I would want him to stop. You know? As far as that man (boy) goes... you know what? Maybe you really liked him or whatever.. but if he can't accept you then FUCK HIM! The last thing you need in your life right now is conditional love. I know it's easy to say forget him and it's hard to actually do it, but it's better it happened now than down the road when you were even more attached to him. Those who walk out of your life over SI are too weak-minded to see the big picture, and if they eve did, it would give them a headache and probably break their backs, you know? Take care...

~laura

A thought...
Posted by Christine on Sun Nov 26 09:34:06 2000 (#1526)

I was thinking about the hole cutting thing and I was wondering why I do it not like when im upset but when I do it out of bordom.Then I was thinking maybe I do it for attention.But if I was doing it for attention then why would I try to hide it,and why would I want to stop,and why would it be so hard to stop?

Re: A thought...
Posted by laura rose on Sun Nov 26 18:38:13 2000 (#1536)

And if you ever find the answers to these questions, let me know... hehe.. I'm wondering myself. But at least you are thinking that way... =)

~laura

Re: A thought...
Posted by katie on Sun Nov 26 19:27:31 2000 (#1540)

oh yeah... i've wondered about that a lot. i get angry with myself for cutting, and tell myself i'm only doing it to get attention... except i don't *get* any attention. i hide it. even now that i know my friends know about it, i still can't bring myself to talk to them. i don't want them to worry, i don't want to need attention.

katie

I have never felt so alone
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 26 10:02:15 2000 (#1527)

Hey you all, Have you ever felt so freak ypu want to fucken implode. i mean, i tell you I care about you because i do. i just feel so alone, so misunderstood. i havent cut in eleven days. count that.. impossible i used to think right now I fell like becoming a slaughter house. Just chopping myself to pieces, how does someone go from stable to being all ucked up.... Its loneliness, and not wanting to be a damned hypocrit i will tell you what?? fuck this i think i will give in to the madness and do just that. Will my hubby be afffected? I think NOT.... I am unable to conceive, makes me a monster..how do I continue? When given a choice to jump. what should i select?? My shrink said "Dont Jump" In my head I heard " Jump, one less fucking weirdo".. Sorry you all... Continue to stand by eachother.. I thought I could do more for you... What the FUCK???? Please..why do I feel so helpless???

Re: I have never felt so alone
Posted by melissa on Sun Nov 26 16:04:08 2000 (#1529)

i wish i could say the magic words but i myself want to die.

Re: I have never felt so alone
Posted by laura rose on Sun Nov 26 18:44:23 2000 (#1537)

Well, it would be selfish of me to say I want you to live because I want you around, so I guess i'm gonna be selfish (sorry). I WANT YOU AROUND and so does everyone else on here. One thing I have learned about cutters... although most of us want to die a lot of the time, it seems to be a fleeting thought amongst us, you know? I mean, you can be in the process of killing yourself and suddenly the need to do it leaves your body. No, I am not daring you to prove me wrong... please be okay and know that we are thinking about you, ok? *huge hug*

~laura

Re: I have never felt so alone
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 26 19:30:39 2000 (#1541)

Thanks, all of you. You are so right when you say that it is a fleeting thought. I was feeling pretty rough last night. I can honestly say I feel your sincerity. As I have said here before, the love here is very real, just like our pain. I am so glad I am able to express and share this with you all. "Hugs right back" I think I managed to talk myself down from whatever high I was trying to get... (not drugs) You all know the high well.. when you want to so badly to cut but you fight it... I fought it, I won this time... thanks again ;)

Re: I have never felt so alone
Posted by Linda on Mon Nov 27 05:31:27 2000 (#1564)

(((((((((((((Nuni))))))))))))) )Oh girl, I just had to respond to that. I know how it feels to be unable to conceive. I went through 12 years of that but if you have looked on my webpage, you will find 3 beautiful children. God's timing was best. When I finally did conceive, the doctor told me we probably would never have more.....they don't know everything!!!