Personal Stories   Poetry   Pictures   Coping   FAQ's   Articles   Book Store

You are here: Home > Archive > Ratatosk.net Forum > Threads 3801 to 3850

Threads 3801 to 3850

I disagree...trendcutters welcome!
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 05:29:17 2002 (#15348)

Why do you all cut? I would really like to know. FOr some could it be that you felt segregated in a way - like you don't belong - like you're not seen for who you truly are...well then, lets remember why we started hurting ourselves to begin with and open our closed minds to a more broad perspective. You can't really sit here and demand that trendcutters are not welcome here...it's truly not fair on any of us. How do you know you aren't all trendcutters? How can you tell the difference? That's just it, you can't. Some people start out hurting themselves because they here of it somewhere...and then as time goes on things start to spiral out into self destruction, and you forget how you started SIing in the first place. We are all cutters - more importantly we are all people. We need attention to get through the day. All people need to feel loved, no matter how much they suffer. Lets open our arms to anybody who needs to feel welcomed, no matter what there reasons for hurting themselves is. We all need to feel welcomed. I do right now, and this board has never felt so far from me before. Support is the greatest gift you can give someone...so lets make the best of this gift. Lets give it to all who need it.

Love, Alana

Sound good.

Re: I disagree...trendcutters welcome!
Posted by the voice of reason on Mon Mar 18 05:49:43 2002 (#15351)

is a trend cutter someone who cuts for attention? i disagree with the whole idea that everyone is different, get off your damned high horse and stop being prejudiced. I dont think that there is one person here that, one way or another, does not cut, at least in some part, for attention. so, i mean the more you deny it, the more it is jsut because you know its the truth and are too chicken shit scared to admit it. putting your pain out there for anyone to see -- even when you dont show them, with such minimal tissue damage in most cases is about ATTENTION. so whatever. i mean, really, how many of you have ever thought, GOD, IF ONLY I COULD ROLL UP MY SLEEVES AND SHOW THEM ALL................... right? havent you ALL thought that? maybe people who have started cutting more recently have just been lucky that cutting has become more publicized. anorexia and depression used to be hidden but now not a day passes that you dont hear about them publically in some form or another. so, cutters are the same, there is a new genertation who has taken advantage of the openess of the twenty-first century. not impossible? so maybe we are just jealous that cutting for us could never be a true part of who we were to others. so, use those brains. does it matter anyways? its a friggin board. anyone can say anything they want. they are words on a screen, you dont have to read them if you dont want to. so just read what you want, if you wanna wallow in self-pity with someone who TRULY understands your situation (which i think can be very beneficial sometimes, dont get me wrong) then go ahead and let whoever else wants to speak do it in peace.

Re: I disagree...trendcutters welcome!
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 05:57:03 2002 (#15354)

I agree with everything you have to say. Except that I do view all cutters as true cutters...I actually don't even like to think of categorizing it. It's not worth it. I think what you have to say is influenced by much intelligence, and I'm happy to listen to what you think about the subject. Thanks for the oppurtunity to see it from a whole different perspective.

Alana

Re: I disagree...trendcutters welcome!
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 07:44:51 2002 (#15364)

(Why do you all cut? I would really like to know.)

I have lots of reasons. If you'd like me to tell you what forced me to cut, let me know. Cutting became my coping mechanism, just like smoking is for others. I was glad to be enforcing my own pain - not others.

(How do you know you aren't all trendcutters? How can you tell the difference? That's just it, you can't)

I agree completely. I was trying to convey that in my messages.

(We all need to feel welcomed. I do right now, and this board has never felt so far from me before.)

I know I'm a newbie but I'm here if you need someone to talk to.I'm here for anyone that needs an ear.

Re: I disagree...trendcutters welcome!
Posted by Lost and Not Yet Found on Mon Mar 18 20:12:54 2002 (#15401)

OK, i used to post here as lost and lonly, i decided to come back for a bit. i was reading the posts and what The Voice Of Reason said got me thinking. i agree that we all cut for attention in a way. i just think that the attitude to it can be VERY different. if someone cuts and goes round intentionally shows ppl and shows off about it then, to me, they are abusing the fact that it is a seriouse issue for many people. i hate people who do things like that, its not right. not when there are people who are so desperate for help and support yet they feel they cannot say anything. TVOR, what you said about wanting to tell/show ppl is very true for me. but not because i am self centered and want people to pay attention to me. i just want people to understand who i am. i have never been able to be the "true" me and i release that through my cutting in a way. i think cutting for attention can be right, depends on the kind of attention the person wants. if they want the attention of a medical professional, then fine. if they want the attention of their mates to be different/cool then thats wrong. just my opinion.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: I disagree...trendcutters welcome!
Posted by Angel on Mon Mar 25 01:47:57 2002 (#15706)

Spot on thank god there are people in here who are not afraid to look honestly at themselves.

Love to you all

Hope at last.....

I feel lost
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 05:50:41 2002 (#15352)

I feel lost in the hate I feel from this world. I feel lost in my own mind. I feel lost in the love I can't give up to someone from my soul. I feel all too much tonight.

"Deliver me out of my sadness. Deliver me from all of the madness. Deliver me courage to guide me. Deliver me strength from inside me. All of my life, I've been in hiding, wishing there was someone just like you. Now that you're here, now that I've found you, I know that you're the one to pull me through.

I wish I had someone I could spend time with and show them who I am. I can't bear to be alone anymore. I feel that I can see what others can't...and this deep and intense emotion that I sense from the world around me has left me feeling dead inside. What's the point of living on the outside if you're already dead on the inside. I can't begin to explain why I can go from feeling alright with how things are, to complete and hopeless despair. I can't explain what I am to myself and everyone around me.

"I found out that the poets were the worst possible interpreters of their own writings" - I guess that explains why I can't interpret what I mean.

If it is to be, it's up to me to make things work around me. I can't trust others to shape my reality, my emotions, and my moral values. I have to be "ok". I view my existance as insignificant. Take a look around at the mass of importance in this world and really ponder what your life can do and can influence. Shit nothing. I'm useless. I would like to think that I represent a good attitude after all I've experienced these past years, and I'm a strong believer that attitudes are the mirror of the mind - they reflect thinking. My attitude toward myself is shit...my attitude towards the people in my life that I care about is quite positive. So what does this mean? How could I portray two completely different characters all at once. I don't understand how and why I've changed so much.

I'm not me.

~I am wise because I know nothing~ Socrates

I repeat that quote to myself sometimes when I'm feeling down. Gives me hope. Not much tonight though.

Love, Alana

Re: I feel lost
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 08:21:43 2002 (#15365)

(I feel lost in the hate I feel from this world. I feel lost in my own mind. I feel lost in the love I can't give up to someone from my soul. I feel all too much tonight. )

Those night are the worst. I hate them with a passion. Those are the nights I lie in bed, feeling all this energy but having nothing to do with it. Or I lie in bed and have no energy but I cannot sleep. It reminds me of the lyric: "I'm not sleeping can't stay awake"Staind

(I wish I had someone I could spend time with and show them who I am. I can't bear to be alone anymore.)

I know how the pain is. I was so lost before I met my fiance. I was being physically and mentally abused by someone everyone thought I was going to marry. That makes you seem even farther away and even more lonely than you would be alone. It's so painful.

(I feel that I can see what others can't...and this deep and intense emotion that I sense from the world around me has left me feeling dead inside. What's the point of living on the outside if you're already dead on the inside. I can't begin to explain why I can go from feeling alright with how things are, to complete and hopeless despair. I can't explain what I am to myself and everyone around me. )

I'm here if you need someone to talk to, though you don't know me.

Also, I know how you feel when you talk about hating yourself but loving others around you. I cannot stand myself. I try my hardest not to look into the mirror as much as posisble and hate talking about myself, but I adore the people in my life. I would not be alive had it not been for my fiance. Either I would have ended my life, or the relationship I was in would have.

I'm listening to Staind now and it's strangling conforting . . . I haven't felt this down in a long time as well, but good lyrics can make anything better ;-)

FROST

Re: I feel lost
Posted by **??!!** on Mon Mar 18 14:33:59 2002 (#15370)

that was unbelievabale! wow! you are a very good writer, keep it up xxxxxxxxxxx

hey
Posted by elf on Mon Mar 18 06:33:56 2002 (#15356)

hello everyone... this is my first night posting here, but i've been coming to this site for some time now. i feel almost out of place, because i don't cut all the time... i have been doing it off and on for about 5 years. sometimes i go months without doing it.. but then i'll relapse and do it again. i don't see anything wrong with it except for the fact that it is an addiction, and i don't want to have to be dependent on cutting in order to cope with my feelings. i have been able to link my SI back to my early childhood, but i can never come to the root of why i did it back then. i know why i do it now and recently... but i don't know why it started. what is it that makes us want to hurt when we are angry, even if we're angry at other people?

well... enough of my babbling on... you people all seem really great... so i just wanted to say hello

~elf~

Re: hey
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 18 06:44:22 2002 (#15359)

hey elf! i dont see anything wrong with cutting either. my psychologists were always shocked to see that i couldnt see cutting as a problem whatsoever, or why i couldnt understand why someone would think it was a problem. the problem is why you do it. and im not sure why i do it. youre lucky to understand why you do it now, is that knowledge helping you at all? im just curious. but about why we start....i have no clue whatsoever. i still dont understand how gashing your skin makes you feel so much better and in control...all i know is that it does, so i do it. im kind of curious about how everyone stumbled across SI here....if you dont mind sharing. when i first did it it was kinda a blur so i dont really remember...i just remember sitting on my bed looking out the window at the beach and i was just so incredibly unhappy and i wanted to cry but i couldnt and i was playing with the leather puncher on my swiss army knife and i kinda zoned out and my arm itched so i started to scratch it with the leather puncher, i didnt really realize what i was doing and before i knew it i had drawn blood and all of a sudden a smile crept across my face and i was fascinated so i did it again and everything was ok. in about a week i graduated to the knife on my swiss army knife but it was kinda dull so about a month later it was on to razor blades and thats where i stand now.

Re: hey
Posted by elf on Mon Mar 18 06:54:16 2002 (#15360)

yeah... exactly... the reasons are the problems not the symptoms... nobody seems to see that it doesn't help to treat the symptoms

anyway... the very earliest memories i have are from when i was little and i was mad (at myself or others) or really sad, i would bite myself really hard until i couldn't stand it anymore... it would leave a lasting mark, but never draw any blood. then the next memory after that was when i was in about 5th grade and i would use the wires from my spiral notebooks to scratch up my arms in class. i would just sit there and put my arms inside the desk and scratch them on the wires until they bled... but i didn't do anything to hide it, i didn't know what SI was or that people saw it as odd or anything... but some people made comments to me and i got a lot of crazy looks from my classmates so i stopped for a while... went through 6th grade with minimal SI... but in 7th grade i met a friend who did it, and she made me feel like i wans't alone in wanting to do it... so i started up again, and here i am!

Re: hey
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 08:27:00 2002 (#15366)

Welcome to the board. Like you, I've read but never posted until recently. I wish you all the luck in conquering your SI and I'm here if you need any help or just someone to talk to. Frost

Re: hey
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 16:28:28 2002 (#15375)

hte first time I ever remember cutting I was standing in my kitchen. I could hear my mum and dad screaming at each other upstairs, dad had just hit my brother so he was screaming too. then the dog started barking and all around me there was this horrible noise. I don't know why, I just picked up a kitchen knife and sliced into my arm. all of a sudden i couldn't hear the noise anymore. it was like my ears were suddenly able to block it all out.

anyway, elf you're very welcome here. sorry you had to come when there's so many arguments about! take care, hopefully speak to you in the future, el x

Re: hey
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:12:07 2002 (#15384)

Hiya I used to do it alot when i was little and then loads of peeps in my familly commited suisiad in a v short space of tima .But i only started cutting when i was rapped my abuser was talking to his friends downstairs & i other heared him saying shes a little bitch but she has a very nice body. After thet i was determent to wreck my body . Strange i guess Loads of love She **

numbness
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Mar 18 06:35:54 2002 (#15357)

who else here is on antidepressants? i havent been on mine for very long, just a couple weeks, but im not sure if its really helping....when im on the correct dosage i feel kinda numb, like i cant really be happy but im not depressed like i know it, ya know? and i still dont have the motivation to do things like pay attention in class, talk to friends and things like that, but when i triple the dose i can actually laugh and im pretty happy. but then today i didnt take it cause im trying to save them up so i can take a bunch and i just collapsed into the old feelings of despair that i had gotten so used to. i donno what the point of this was, but has this happened to anyone else?

Re: numbness
Posted by elf on Mon Mar 18 06:41:32 2002 (#15358)

i haven't been put on them but a close friend of mine has... she says the same thing. she hates them because they just make it so she can't be happy or sad, and she just feels blahh. so she tongues them and spits them out when her ma isn't around. i've heard that from a lot of people... that's why when my ma offered to get some for me, i refused

Re: numbness
Posted by FROST on Mon Mar 18 08:35:13 2002 (#15367)

I have taken Paxil, Zoloft, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Serzone and one other that isn't coming to mind. None of them worked for me. However, I do hope you all read this and take it very seriously: Serzone causes liver failure. I'm dead serious - no shitting you. I took it and it caused all kinds of problems with me. It has caused tons of deaths. I recommened you read up on it. It's not good. Frost

Re: numbness
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 16:32:03 2002 (#15376)

hey sweetie. yep i'm on them at the moment. I started about a month ago and they still aren't making me happy. like you said, I just feel numb. not happy or sad, just nothing. I feel like i don't really exist. does that make sense? I hate it

Re: numbness
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:18:25 2002 (#15385)

HIya I used to use anti depressants alot but they reacted badley with some of the illegal drugs that i was using so i stopped .Urmm that dosent help much dose it. However i did go to a herbalist and she gave me some wonderfull pills ,they dont stop me cutting but they will make me a little happer sometimes . Good luck . Luv she

Re: numbness
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 19 01:23:46 2002 (#15432)

yeah el i know exactly what youre saying, it feels like youre just not there or something. hey FROST, im not on any of those meds you mentioned...im on celexa and now a little freaked out about the side effects...you dont happen to know anything about celexa do you?

Re: numbness
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 07:28:43 2002 (#15449)

Crimson Fire, I have not heard anything about celexa, but I will look into it for you. They just released the statement about Serzone, but they knew it existed for a long time; so it's a little scary. I will look into it though and let you know if I find anything.

Re: numbness
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:40:08 2002 (#15435)

Tara was on Effxor XR for a long time. It took a couple of times to get the dosage right. If you feel numb, you should tell whoever perscribed the meds. They may have to adjust them for you. Please don't take any more than what they tell you too. If it takes 3 of them to get you to feeling better, you really should talk to you doctor. Let me know how it goes. Take care. Love, RHonda

g'nite
Posted by elf on Mon Mar 18 06:59:48 2002 (#15361)

tired and going to bed... best of luck and love to all of you

~elf~

back to trendcutters.....sorry!
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 18 14:26:05 2002 (#15369)

when i first came here i asked the board a question which i felt was rather embarassing. that questoin was "what are trend cutters". the response i recieved was great and people gave me a definition of a trend cutter......that a trend cuter is someone that cuts for attention.

i so dont want to label or offend anyone here but does this mean then that a trend cutter tells absolutely everyone about their cutting on order for them to recieve tht attention or do they keep it a secret (prety much a secret anyways) like the rest of us??

im now hugely confused by this horible term "trend cuters" and i think that it is impossible to label anyone a trend cutter? maybe this is just me been an idiot because i have misunderstood what a trendcutter is? some of you said that trend cutters have no idea what its like to feel "real pain"? is what your trying to say here that people who just do litle scratches are trend cutters.

please dont misunderstand my intentions of this post here bcs from the time ve been here ive felt really close to a lot of the people on here....but im confused. does all of the above mean that i too am a trend cutter and you have unaware to it talked to me and helped me through bad dys?? iscratch my arms but im able to go through long periods of stopping. i have not experienced "real pain". the only thing i can use as an argument against me being a trend cuter is that the only people that no i cut are my mum and dad and psychiatrist. my friend however cort me on this site and found out but is what your saying that fi i were a trend cutter then i would have intentionally made sure that my friend was tos see me on this site???

aaaarrrggghhh.......i dont want to start another argument this is more for me myself because i really do not understand the term "Trend cutter" and im an incrdibly paranoid person and dont no if im a trendcutter or not?? but if i was then i ould be completely gutted because i have read all of your posts and seen how much hostility you have towards so called trend cutters???

(complete and utter confusion not to be misunderstood as a dig at anyone on this board) xxxx

Re: back to trendcutters.....sorry!
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 16:39:33 2002 (#15378)

hey sweetie pie. good to have you back! hehe! ok, maybe i'm totally confused as well, but my definition of a trend cutter would be someone who scratches themselves then walks around with it on show just to get attention. these people give the ones who cut in private a bad name and create a lot of predjudice. as far as I can see you aren't a trend cutter. (anybody else who reads this feel free to tell me if i'm wrong, I wanna learn just like everybody else). take care honey, love n stuff, el x

Re: back to trendcutters.....sorry!
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:25:45 2002 (#15388)

Hiya than for coming back its sooooo nice to here from you. hows everything going? urmm i dont really know what the defernition of a trend cutter is . I think its someone who does it for attention . Keep in toch love ya loads She

Re: back to trendcutters.....sorry!
Posted by elf on Tue Mar 19 00:30:58 2002 (#15425)

i always figured a trendcutter was someone who cut because they thought it was "the thing to do" and that it gave them some sort of statis... and then they would show it off because they saw prestige in it... but hey, i don't know... i really haven't heard the term used very much.

maybe we just shouldn't label people as "trendcutters"... its bad to label anyway

~elf~

Re: back to trendcutters.....sorry!
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 19 01:34:48 2002 (#15434)

hey donna!! im glad youve come back!! to me being a trend cutter is more of your attitude towards cutting. i know its really hard to stereotype that kinda thing which is why theres so much argument, but i kinda classify them like youd classify a brown noser or something...ya know? like theres a difference between just trying REALLY hard in class because YOU want to do well and sucking up to the teacher cause youre a little kiss up, do you get what im saying kinda? thats how i classify trend cutters, there isnt a set of traits you can associate with them its their attitude towards cutting. i guess i see them as people who dont need to cut they just kinda grit their teeth and do a teeny bit of skin damage and then purposefully walk around so people can see it. yeah i know its mean to get so annoyed by my def. of a "trend cutter" but there a couple of them at my school and all of a sudden people start really thinking of cutters as freaks and it kinda made people scared of cutters, which makes it hard for me to deal day to day when my friends will be like "DUDE did you see so and so?? theyre such a FREAK who would do that??" and im just like well uhh i donno dude yeah theyre freaks...cause ya know what else am i supposed to say??

please can there be peace?
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 16:34:56 2002 (#15377)

i was feelin really down today and i came on this board to try and find some encouraging words to help me through it all. but i came on to find only more depressing fighting and arguments...it made me cry. I may not put a lot up on this board but i find reading it helps me immensely, and i find that i am calmed and reassured by the stories and poetry and general talk.I hope that all the argueing will be over soon because this was my only place to come that i felt safe from the "judgemental eye" and the yellin and arguments in my life and if it doesnt stop i might as well never bother because i believed this was a good place and if people cant even get along here then what is the point really.....whats the point in tryin to be happy if eventually everything around you will fall?............hmmm ignore me i guess im just babbling cuz im upset. hope everyone is ok tho, and i hope people will be happier soon cuz i cant take it much more. love ella x

p.s. sorry if this posted twice i dunno whats happening but i cant focus very well on the screen right now...im too drugged up i guess?? oh well sorry if it bugs ne1!!!

Re: please can there be peace?
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 16:42:55 2002 (#15379)

hey sweetie. I know what you mean, I came here to find some comfort and there were all these arguments going on. I just hate seeing people that i've started to really care about getting so upset. anyway, hopefully this won't go on much longer! take care, lotsa love el x

to She
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 16:45:14 2002 (#15380)

hiya sweetie! how are you? just thought I'd see if you were around coz i've not spoken to you for a while. hope you're ok!!!! lots of love, el x x

Re: to She
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:05:23 2002 (#15383)

Hiya im here yeah its really nice to here from you everythings a little mad huh? love ya loads She

Re: to She
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 17:30:37 2002 (#15389)

it's crazy! :) i hate all this arguing. i missed it all coz of the time difference and when i came on this afternoon world war three had broken out! lol!

Re: to She
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:39:00 2002 (#15393)

Yeah i miss alot cause of the time diffences it usually nice comming home to loads of nw messages but today whoa. Ohh well maby things will get better. Hope so . How have you been doing ?? love you loads She**

Re: to She
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 17:43:02 2002 (#15394)

i'm ok I guess. been having problems with my medication so i've been at home today. i feel really messed up. jeez, and they're supposed to make you better? lol. how are you doing? still off the heroin? hope you don't think i'm being nosey, just wondering how you're getting on! love you loads, el x x

Re: to She
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:49:21 2002 (#15395)

Hiya I'm sure that some of thease anti depressants and stuff are a compleate waste of time Hope you get well really soon .I hate being stuck in the house. Yep im still of heroin its been nearly 5 weeks now its seamed like an eternity but its getting easier now thanx so much for beliving in me. Love ya loads She **

Re: to She
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 18:00:22 2002 (#15396)

that's great! I knew you could do it!!!!!!!!!! keep going honey, and if you ever feel like you're slipping you can e mail me, or write me a message on here. i'll always reply. love ya loads, el x

normality
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 18 17:19:54 2002 (#15386)

so things have bin weird round here lately havent they? well erm just thought id tell you bout what happenend to me today......to bring me crashing bsck ot earth (he he he)

i was at school having a relatively ok day when my stupid english teacher had a go at me bout my coursework!! can you believe he said to me that my article was way too good for my standards and that he wants me o print off the internet pages i went on for research. i did an article on autism to try and create more awareness of it and i thought it was pretty damn gud if i do say so myself then that twat goes n accuses me of cheating!!! can you believe?!!!! so yeah i no im crap at evrythng else but writings the one thing i can say yep thats me i can do that.....and he goes and shatters me with his sill accustions and lowering my self esteem even more by saying that it was too good for someone of my niteligence!! the fucking bastard.

anyway just needed to get that off my chest coz you no how easy it is to get wound up then the next thing you noyur slashing yurself....any ways hope evry1s ok xxxx

Re: normality
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 17:33:31 2002 (#15390)

hey well i know what id say to him if i was there and had heard him say that to you!!! (i would type them but i keep gettin stuff filtered on this stupid comp-but trust me is would not be "thank you sir have a nice day"!!!)

i cant believe people...espes people who claim to be our "teachers" that knock us down and discourage us when all we want is encouragement and guidance!! its not even their right to be like that so i dont see how they can justify being so damn harsh!!!!

ive had similar experiences with teachers...once my teacher yelled at me infront of the WHOLE class and said i was getting an F (completely failing) and that i was useless and if i ever was going to pass id be lucky and that it was a waste of her time to teach me if i was going to be busy off school with sports (cuz that doesnt count apparently for anyhting) and i would have yelled something horrid back if i hadnt burst into tears and been so embarrased and shocked that she would EVER yell at me like this when i knew for a FACT that i had an A in that class....i passed that class with an A+ so PLEASE dont listen to your teacher!! they dont know what they are talking about ALL the time.

Take pride in what you do...writing is your thing and you are amazing at it! you have such a passion and charisma that it will ultimately get you somewhere brilliant and you will be able to look that teacher in the eye and laugh!

go on and live your life and be proud that you ARE amazing at writing and never give up on it because its inspired me and im sure lots of other people!!!!

love ya, ella xxx

Re: normality
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 17:35:21 2002 (#15392)

oh dear! that's one problem i've never had. people have never said things are too good for someone with my intelligence, they have this view that i'm some kind of genius so when my works slipping coz of my depression {like now} I get told that i'm not living up to my intelligence. I hate the stupid pressure! neways, keep smiling hun! el x

ne altenatives
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 17:23:07 2002 (#15387)

hiya

i was just wondering if there is summit i can do to make me stop OD-ing on tranquilizer type pills that gives the same kind of calm?? also i wanted to ask if anyone knows whether this is classed as self harm?? i take enough to make me REALLY calm or pass out but only a few times have i gotten really ill and risked losing my life. i dunno just thought id ask?

love ella xxx

Re: ne altenatives
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 17:34:38 2002 (#15391)

Hiya Its sooo easy to really on drugz .Heroin was my only way to get away from reality im a perthetic person and i cant always deal with it. I find keeping myself really busy helps,Its nice to be able to get away from reality without drugsz so i find going for really long walks alone can help to . I cant think of n e thing else yet but 'll get back to it . Good luck if u need n e one to talk to let me knoe Loads of love She

Re: ne altenatives
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 20:37:08 2002 (#15404)

Damn those tranquilizers...ODed on them last year...was asleep for days. I do see ODing as a form of SI, you're deliberately trying to harm yourself...so ya. My advice to you is to smoke WEED, you're calm, you're relaxed, and you can sleep just about anywhere.

Good Luck Love.

Alana

to ella
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 18 18:41:02 2002 (#15397)

hi ella.....just wanted to say thankyou for what you said in yur response earlier.....it otuvhed me.well ya know how to build up a persons self esteem dont ya?! you made me feel better and to say ive never reall chated to u b4 i thought it was nic so thankyou. erm so how are you and whats yor story then?? if im not being nosey that is just tel me to mind me own if so!!! lol! i can take it!!! ive bin cutting for three months but ive stopped for 3 weeks so far at the moment which in a way is something to be proud of but in another ashamed of if u no wot i mea. neways hope yor ok and feel free to chat any time you like. dont no if our on aol but my screen name is SMIRFS but anyways cya l8a and thanks again xxx

to SCARED AKA DONNA
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 19:47:28 2002 (#15400)

heya donna!

i know that i havent really spoken to you but i thought it was worth saying, cuz i hate it when i hear summit bout someone being put down...one of my huge hates of myself is that i never stand up for myself when i should..i always question myself and then sometimes even start to believe that i was the one wrong in the first place....and all because i didnt stick up for myself.

This has happened particularily a lot to me when im at school (im not bullied by classmates but i am picked on by teachers for dumb things just cuz they dont understand me and its happened since i was very young, so i get VERY upset if i ever hear that anyone else is getting shit from teachers! and if i can stop one person from feeling shit because of summit their teachers saying then maybe im kinda getting back at all of my teachers....cuz i HATE the way they have made me feel and i dont want you to be put down by them cuz you have a serious talent in writing and you deserve to go far...you write what you feel and what you believe, and thats what makes it so powerful....youre much more talented than me, thats for sure....i never could write...(oh yes thats another thing they like to remind me constantly about!!)

but i hope you really do believe me cuz i love all the stuff thats posted...its got so much feelings in it...its not pretentious!

well i dunno i feel pretty outta place here cuz i dont self harm...well i dont cut or burn myself. I originally came here to get help for my friend cuz shes started to SI again and i want to help her and i wanted to find out more for myself cuz ive never really heard much about it (as its a pretty taboo subject still in society i guess?) and i always wanted to know what people were thinking and why and stuff like that cuz i dont like hearing all the "stereotypical" comments...so i wanted to find out for myself.

Besides finding out loads of info and finding a board of people that are actually REALLY caring and loving and GENUINE people(and most are VERY talented writers looking at all the poetry and stories) I found that i can somehow relate to you lot...

altho i dont cut myself or externally damage myself (do u know whether this is SI?)i take over doses of pills, sometimes every other day, sometimes every few hours, gues it depends how im feeling...i take all sorts of pills...i just get to my room and swallow four or five really strong sedative type pills to let myself get to that really hazey state so i can dull everything in me....i dunno whether you would call this self harm or if im just stupid but its what i do to cope....?i have tried to properly overdose a couple of times and have ended up in hospital before but obviously i havent succeeded...im never sure whether thats a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes i go around for days in a complete state because im so unhappy.

i dunno whether you wanna know bout all that....im sure people are like "what the hell is she doing on a site for SI if she doesnt even SI" but somehow i feel i really connect with all the pain and suffering and i havent found ANYWHERE else that people who actually suffer from all this, are talking, and are trying to help each other....do you get what i mean??i feel like im the only one who does this and its really hard to know where i fit in....or if i fit in at all!

i would probably not be here at all if i hadnt found this board because i thought nobody was feeling the way i feel and that nobody would ever care bout it all...i know i dont cut but i felt like this was my last chance!

as for you....well done for being so strong as to hold back from cutting for three weeks...its a start right and even if you dont last much longer till you next cut at least you can look back on it as an accomplishment to yourself and a lil step forward to coping with everything in a different way, you controlled those three weeks in a different way to before and you didnt harm yourself (you can tell me if im wrong but thats what i think) you should be pround of yourself!!! just try not to be ashamed of yourself no matter what you do because its all a way of coping...and just by coping you are controlling your life and choosing whether you live...which is WAY better than (for example) all the times i have tried to overdose to end my life....so no matter what be proud that you are trying to sort it out, cuz then on the hard days at least there will be ONE thing for you to be HOPEFUL about...right?

well i think ive babbled a lot for you...i hope you understand what i mean and arent mad at any of it...sometimes i get all confused at my point and then say summit i dont mean to and offend someone...so just know everything i said was meant to be good

:)

hope to hear from you soon

love ella xxx

Re: to SCARED AKA DONNA
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 18 21:11:11 2002 (#15408)

you shoudlnt feel out of place at all.......k so you dont cut but that doesnt mean you have no right to be here. without trying to make you feel any worse or frighten you in anyway for what its worth i do actually think that what you have described is a form of self harm. youre harming yourself (coz taking those drugs cant be doing you any good) trying to block out whatever pain it is that youre going through and although tis method dosnt actually cause you any pain (well actually im just guessing there but pls tell me if im wrong) its still causing you harm and is a coping mechanism. i think that you hand out really god advice. i think everyone hands out eally good advice on here and to be completely honest despite the reasons we are al here individually its stil a great place to come to because the relationships between evry1 is absolutely brilliant. im not offended by anything you said there at all why would i be?? what you said is all true......i think anyway. you should never feel out of place in here...i thought that at first because i dont cut as deep as the others???!!!! which in a sense is what you and i have in commom coz you are doubting whether you hsould be welcome here or not too. i guess im just a paranoid person but that whi i am and i cant change that. well im glad i got talknig to you because you have made me feel a lil bit more relaxed tonight. i was seriously considering cutting my leg tonight so that i dont look stupid infront of my shrink tomorrow. you know coz al of my marks have pretty much faded quickly...im lucky in that respect....anyways geeeesh im as bad as you for writing novels as a response i babble too much so im going ot go now

take care of yourself and thankyou again xxx

music
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 19:19:33 2002 (#15398)

hey everyone. I thought i'd give everyone something else to talk about considering what went off yesterday. when I'm feeling really down sometimes the only thing that can comfort me is listening to music. sometimes song lyrics seem to be the only thing that understands. I light up a cigarette (although i am trying to give up at the moment, yet another losing battle) and let myself get lost.

I was just wondering what kind of music you guys listen to. I really like bruce springsteen, led zeppelin, jimi hendrix, blink 182, greenday and things like that. I'm not really fussy though, i'll listen to most things. my favorite songs are black dog and stairway to heaven by led zeppelin and born to run by springsteen. I play born to run at top volume when I'm really down because it reminds me of my dream of getting out of this hell.

anyways, hope you're all ok. take care of yourselves. love y'all

Re: music
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 19:31:47 2002 (#15399)

Hiya I love led zeppeling to time seams to fly by listening to him. I really like stuff like Muse,nirvana,static x,def leppord,jaded,ect I love listening to radiohead when im depressed . Love ya loads She**

Re: music
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 08:02:43 2002 (#15453)

She - Of all the bands you listed, I really like Nirvana. The others really don't do much for me.

Re: music
Posted by Lost and Not Yet Found on Mon Mar 18 20:21:53 2002 (#15402)

i listen to varied music, at lot of Marilyn Manson, Korn, Guns 'n' Roses ect. my fav songs are Last Resort by Papa Roach, I Don't Like The Drugs(But The Drugs Like Me) by Manson. Three of my ultimate favs are Paradise City, Cowboy(cant remember who these are by) and I Dont Want To Miss A Thing by Aerosmith. these are my favs as they were loved by two of my friends who died. they are the sort of song where if im in a bad mood they make me cry and let all my feelings out and if im in a good mood they make me happy coz i know nothing more can hurt Isaac and Danni.

Amanda

Re: music
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 20:34:47 2002 (#15403)

System of A Down, Tori Amos (all time fave), Matthew Good, Dave Matthews, Disturbed, Barenaked Ladies, Tool, NIN (another fave), Korn (way up there on the list), U2.....damn there's so many more, but you get the drift.

Alana

Re: music
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 08:04:19 2002 (#15454)

Alana I really like System of a Down, Disturbed and Korn as well :) Frost

Re: music
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 18 21:16:19 2002 (#15410)

hey eleanor chuck, so how ya doin???

i love to listen to music. my favourite artist is michael jackson i have 75 of his singles i think hes great. my alltime favourite songs are BEAT IT (michael jackson), SMILE (michael jackson), everybody hurts (REM) and ill be missing you (puff daddy) i also love stereophonics (just looking). i love music its my lifeline that doesnt involve turning on the computer!! lol!

music is my life, sad i know but true xxxx

my inspiration is michael jackson

scared aka donna
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 21:42:05 2002 (#15415)

i'm not too bad thanks luvvy! it's not sad at all. music is my life too, well that and writing. i also love the stereophonics. i've not listened to much michael jackson. have you got the performance and cocktails 'phonics album? I love number 11, aaaaaah whats it called? she takes her clothes off I think or something like that

Re: music
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 21:23:30 2002 (#15412)

now this is summit i can definately agree with!! i LOVE music...it is what gets me throught the day! i have different music for EVERY kind of mood possible to help me calm down, relax, let out my emotions and recover! i love papa roach, linkin park, limp biskit, p.o.d,staind, puddle of mud, nickelback, loadsa punk rock...then theres the other side of music i love, like westlife, sting, puff daddy, loadsa old songs and LOTS of really depressing sad music that makes me cry....sometimes i feel like when i cry, i cry really hard, and i almost feel a sense of release after sobbing my heart out with my depressing music.

without music i would be lost!!!

love ella xx hope everyone is doing ok

Re: music
Posted by diana on Mon Mar 18 21:29:24 2002 (#15413)

i like to listen to a lot of techno. and when im not listening to that i listen to bush, u2, linkin park, blink182, staind....etc.-diana

Re: music
Posted by elf on Tue Mar 19 00:17:52 2002 (#15424)

music has been such a savior to me. sometimes it seems like the music is the only thing that understands. i don't know where i'd be without music.

i listen to a really wide variety of stuff.. but for the most part i guess i stick to rock, techno, and punk/ska... but it varies A LOT! it all depends on my mood i guess

i like to listen to Smashing Pumpkins a lot, they're pretty much my favorite band... their lyrics are really beautiful and have inspired me a lot. recently i've been listening to a lot of Silverchair and a lot of They Might Be Giants (for an up-beat change).

Music is one of the greatest things ever.

~elf~

Re: music
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:33:23 2002 (#15433)

You can definately tell that I'm the old foggy here. I like country music(I know!!!) I also like a lot of classic rock like Boston, Journey, Lynyrd Skynyrd, REO, Bob Segar and the Silver Bullet Band, Rolling Stones,Def Lepard, Deep Purple. But there are some songs of Staind and Creed that I like. For easy listening I like Eva Cassidy. I'll listen to just about anything once except rap music. Sorry, I can't stand that stuff. My list could go on and on, but I'll stop for now. Take care everyone. Love, RHonda

Re: music
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 08:00:39 2002 (#15452)

I just really like to listen to things that make me think, or things that I can relate to. Staind is great; I love Disturbed and Godsmack. Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" makes me cry all the time; it reminds me of my child. I love Bryan Adams as well :)

Re: music
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 13:33:40 2002 (#15459)

hey FROST. eric clapton's tears in heaven makes me cry too. it was played at my little brothers funeral so it has a lot of memories for me. :)

Re: music
Posted by tracey on Tue Mar 19 22:26:18 2002 (#15498)

hi,

well i like listening to wheatus *punk ass bitch*, linkin park *in the end*, blink 182 *adam's song*, sum41 *rhythems*, but when im sad i like cyndi lauper *true colours* - complety differnt from the others, but i just love that song.

hope everyone is doing alright, love tracey

Re: music
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 22:30:50 2002 (#15499)

i LOVE cyndi lauper....i completely forgot that...i have that album too its really good to listen to cuz it reminds me of a time back when i was young and didnt know anything and i was happy.

oh the memories :)

love ella xxx

Re: music
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 22:37:02 2002 (#15500)

oh and ONE more band that i love and i dont care what poeple think but Alanis Morrisette ......theres just summit great bout all her songs that really make me feel better once ive belted the entire album out...i want her new album...i have Jagged Litle Pill (haha kinda ironic i have that one considering thats what i like to take haha)

well hmmmm im confusin myself now so oh well hehe im going to think up summit else to say

love ya ALL ella xxx

Re: music
Posted by eleanor on Wed Mar 20 08:59:26 2002 (#15520)

OH MY GOD! that's such a great album!!!!!!!!!! I just bought it yesterday and haven't stopped listening to it since!!!!!!

Re: music
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Mar 21 20:40:10 2002 (#15578)

There are three things in my life; music, Cutting and the Internet. Sad isn't it? But there you go… I really like Coldplay, Elbow, Nirvana and the Verve, but when I really need pick you up music then its Bob Marley or REM's 'out of time'. I also really like Bob Dylan, Donovan + John Lennon, but no one else I know likes my kind of music so I don't get to go on about it much, that is my excuse for these ramblings! Some times I feel like just talking in lyrics, they make a lot more sense to how I feel then any thing else Ive heard. Broken Girl x

to broken girl
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 23 18:11:37 2002 (#15651)

I know what you mean! song lyrics make so much more sense than anything else to me. I also like bob marley, john lennon, bob dylan, and coldplay!!!!!! which are your favourite songs by them? love el x

Re: to broken girl
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun Mar 24 20:46:30 2002 (#15688)

Hello Yay!!! Some one else with taste, I love 'Spies' by Coldplay and that last track on the album, cant remember what its called… I love most songs by Bob Dylan but especially the Blood on the Tracks album and The Freewheeling, Imagine by John Lennon, I love Buffalo Soldier and One love by Bob Marley the best. What are you favourites? Do you like Leonard Cohen, I forgot to mention him last time he is another genius that none of my friends like. But mind you they all seem to like Kerrang music, which is pretty different to Bob Marley! Love Broken Girl x

Re: to broken girl
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 24 23:54:45 2002 (#15698)

anything by bob dylan is great! i also love imagine by lennon and one love by bob marley. I've not heard anything by leonard cohen but I'll check him out if I get the chance. love el x

Re: to broken girl
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Mar 25 12:03:48 2002 (#15721)

Hi, Leonard Cohen is great, my fave albumn is Famous Blue Raincoat, but most of his stuff is fantastic. Luv BG x

a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by Alana on Mon Mar 18 20:51:00 2002 (#15405)

"A lone pair of watchful eyes oversee the living"

Why doesn't anyone watch over me? Am I that stupid that nobody cares? Why are people happy, and I'm not? Do I really deserve what I feel everyday? I must. YOu receive what you dish out. Well fuck.

Alana

Re: a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Mar 18 21:23:12 2002 (#15411)

theres no point in beating yourself up about that one hun coz that means that theres a hell of a lot of us out there that would have to ask that same question and be paranoid about whether anyone is watching over us. you are NOT STUPID so dont let me evre hear you saying that again!!! you are just a human like the rest of us nad are going through a very very tough time like the majority of us will do in our life time. theres no point wasting life questioning life because that means your not living your life. weve just gotta realise that we will never find the answers to those sort of questions and that beating ourselfs up over them aint gunna help. i hope you are ok and i hope i havent offended u in any way?? anyway take care ok xxxx

and remember i care which is always nice to know he he he lol!!!

Re: a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 21:50:05 2002 (#15416)

I feel like that all the time, like there's no one out there for me. nobdy who cares. I started to believe that I don't deserve to be happy, that this is lifes way of telling me that I'm not worth anything. maybe it's true, i don't know. but people on here care about you, so never give up. take care.

Re: a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by she on Mon Mar 18 23:14:57 2002 (#15420)

hiya We all deserve to be happy but we dont seam to be i dont like to let myself be happy cause then it seams wors when im depressed (dose that make seance?) I care sooooo much about you all Love ya loads She**

Re: a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:23:40 2002 (#15431)

You're not stupid Alana! And you deserve all the good things in life. If I could get them for you, I would. Please take care of yourself honey. I'm thinking about you. Love, Rhonda

Re: a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by tracey on Tue Mar 19 22:49:41 2002 (#15502)

Alana you dont deserve how you feel evryday, you deserve to be happy, and lucky for some they are, but sadly others of us arnt. and your not stupid, no way! love tracey

Re: a lone pair of watchful eyes
Posted by jennyfer on Fri Mar 22 18:43:33 2002 (#15618)

i dunno.....the saying "peole get what they deserve" means nothing to me...what did i do to deserve this punishment? u know? sometimes i feel like...who gives a fuck if my life sux?! not everyone is happy...i know i'm not....but sometimes i see people and i know that they'll be happy the next and the nextand i won't...it kinda sux but hay!man i dunno......

Psychiatric needs?
Posted by Susan on Mon Mar 18 20:53:38 2002 (#15406)

Good evening to you all. My name is Susan and I am currently training to be a psychiatric nurse. My question to anyone who feels happy to talk about it is what do you feel you need from psychiatric services if/when you come into contact with them? For those of you with experience what have you found helpful in the past? For example do you find close observations on an in-patient ward reassuring or intrusive? Do you feel that contracts regarding your self-harming help YOU or the nurses to feel safe?

I'm 6 months from registering and am writing an essay entitled 'The social context of self-harm'.

Many, many thanks in advance for any response.

Susan

Re: Psychiatric needs?
Posted by the voice of reason on Tue Mar 19 00:11:01 2002 (#15423)

i feel that over-protective nurses are like over-protective parents. sometimes it feels really good to know that there is someone there who cares about you, but when the nurse is a complete bitch who couldnt give a fuck about you its just annoying. i think that self-harm contracts are stupid. if you are not ready to stop then you either end up doing it for someone else and it doesnt last or feeling guilty. when you are ready to stop, you do and there is no contract needed. i think its very individualistic. you need to feel out the patient to find out how much space to allow. when everyone was down my throat all the time about cutting i cut more than ever just to prove that i could do what i wanted. when they finally left it up to me to decide what i was doing with my life. when they let it be between me and the dr was when i finally started to move on. when i could cut, and not be worried about how anyone else would feel was when i finally felt in control again. i am lucky i have a wonderful dr. he is not upset when i cut, and really works with me, if im upset, he wont pretend like its nothing, but if i know it was a mistcake and a slight setback then he will let me move on and not dwell on it. so, i think that the patients need to know you are there to support them, but the pressure to not SI has to come from within, as long as it is coming from someone else, the cutter feels that they need to cling to it -- that the only way they have the power is to keep cutting. when you hand the power over to them, and are there supportiing them whether they cut or not then you leave it up to them to have complete control and that means control to not cut too... does this make any sense to you ? just remember this is my own personal opinions. let me just say that at the height of my psychiatric intervention i was cutting more just to cling to what i knew. when it cooled down, when i became used to the ideas of being able not to cut and also being able to cope in other ways was when things would happen and i would feel no need to cut. i would want to, but it wasnt something that i would actually do. i guess i have just moved on. i think the culmination in my case is that when i was raped a few months back...that would have been the trigger to set me over the edge and send me back to the start line. but, i talked with my friends, i talked to my dr, i said what i felt, and i THOUGHT about cutting...but i didnt. day by day passed until the emotions had settled and i realised for the first time that i have made big leaps, that something so horroble could happen, that could remind me of everything else that has happened to me and i MADE it. i expressed myself, i was un-medicated, and i did not cut. in the midst of all the stress and everything...it was my decision, there was no one standing over me telling me no...it was like, what will it accomplish? i have learned BETTER ways to handle this situation. again, i guess i needed people there at the beggining to stop me, to push me to move on, but being able to do it by yourself is just incredible. im sorry i went so off on a tangent.

To The Voice of Reason
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:13:47 2002 (#15427)

I'm so glad to hear you have a doctor like that. Tara's doctor is like that also and I honestly think that is what helped her so much. He didn't make a big deal of her cuts and if she wanted to leave it alone, he left it alone. Your progress is wonderful and I truly hope you continue to do well. I know sometimes you say things that get people upset, me included, but a lot of times when I re-read your post, most of it makes sense. Just keep going the way you are and know that I'm hoping and praying for you all the way. You've gotten a good start. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Everybody
Posted by J on Mon Mar 18 21:11:54 2002 (#15409)

You reading this now, are the most beautiful person in the world.You have it all.You just don't realise it yet.You have a life full of experiances ahead of you.All of which will make you a better person.Do a daring thing and smile at the screen, let your hidden self out.Feel free....... love and support J

Re: Everybody
Posted by ella on Mon Mar 18 21:33:17 2002 (#15414)

thanks....thats a really nice message to read!

hope youre doin fine too!!!

love ella xxx

Re: Everybody
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 21:53:22 2002 (#15417)

do you know, I think that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. no, seriously! lots of love, el x

Re: Everybody
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 23:18:53 2002 (#15421)

wow do you know how much that means to hear that? he he you've made me all happy now. Thanx for that it was really sweet. How r u Loads of love She**

Re: Everybody
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:15:42 2002 (#15428)

I think you just made everyone smile. Thank you for the message. It means a lot to a lot of people. Take care of yourself. Love, RHonda

Re: Everybody
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 02:22:27 2002 (#15438)

thanx i did really smile. ttyl8a. scaredinthedark

Re: Everybody
Posted by elf on Tue Mar 19 05:41:15 2002 (#15447)

that's really kind and beautiful. reading it really does make me smile. :)

~elf~

Re: Everybody
Posted by idonthaveasoul on Tue Mar 19 21:10:54 2002 (#15488)

*SNIFF* thanks :) *reaches for tissues ...*

broken angel
Posted by eleanor on Mon Mar 18 22:04:32 2002 (#15418)

inside every little girl is an angel waiting to be set free. well i'm the broken angel, the misfit, the mutilated and the tortured. I have an angel's wings yet I cannot fly. they are scarred and broken, hang useless by my side. I am bathed in blood, not pure but tainted. how I wish that my wings had never been torn. I wish that I could fly away

Re: broken angel
Posted by billiejean on Mon Mar 18 22:48:31 2002 (#15419)

wow, man, thats touching. i feel its changed me, way deep down inside, in my feelings, poor you.

Re: broken angel
Posted by She on Mon Mar 18 23:21:10 2002 (#15422)

Wow girl that was really good. You feeling n e better now? love ya loads She**

Re: broken angel
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:20:59 2002 (#15430)

That is very good Eleanor. I hope you are feeling better. Take care honey. Love, RHonda

Re: broken angel
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 02:24:15 2002 (#15439)

that was so good. i loved it. it's ve3ry good to put on here. thanks. good job again. scaredinthedark

Re: broken angel
Posted by tracey on Wed Mar 20 00:29:44 2002 (#15510)

that has really touched a part of me, your very good at expressing yourself in writing.

THANX
Posted by Donna on Tue Mar 19 00:56:46 2002 (#15426)

hey guys........im back again! things didnt work out how i planned and they got to me in time. im really mixed up at the moment and worse than ever in fact. i suppose its gonna take a while until counselling helps!i dont want to do anything, see anybody and i sit around all day listening to my discman or come on the internet.ive been dreading coming on here.....its been the most difficult thing yet because you were the only supportive people i had and you all tried your best even though you have problems of your own, to help and support me and i just let you all down!im really sorry and for your sake glad that it didnt work cos now i can reassure you that tryin to kill yourself is NOT the right way to go-if you need help-try to get it so your suffering can be put to an end......im getting the help i need now and if it wrks i will b grateful!! i know im slabbering here but i dont know wot else to do at da mo........im still cuttin.....more than ever in fact and altho my parents are watching my every move they still seem disinterested and havent noticed wot im doing-thankfully. im a mess!! i just wanna thank you all for being there for me and im really grateful!!ill probably b on here more than ever and even if i dont post n e thing ill b thinkin bout u all and checkin how you're all doing!!thanx a million guys........u are the only ppl i really love for wot u hav done for me!! xoxo luv donna

Re: THANX
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Mar 19 01:19:06 2002 (#15429)

You didn't let me down, maybe just scared me a little bit. I'm so happy you're alright. Please let your parents help you and you really need to take care of yourself from the inside out. Let me know how you are doing and if you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, RHonda

Re: THANX
Posted by tracey on Tue Mar 19 02:01:36 2002 (#15436)

Donna, im soo glad your ok. youve helped me soo much, i want to return the favour and help you too, (sorry if that sounds selfish) its not meant to, im soo glad that your alright :) its great to have you back! i hope the help your getting now does help you. lots of love Tracey

Re: THANX
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 19 03:56:47 2002 (#15440)

you didnt disappoint us, we're happy that youre here and youre okay.

Re: THANX
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 19 04:10:27 2002 (#15441)

im so happy to see you back donna!!!!

Re: THANX
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 13:39:58 2002 (#15460)

you didn't let anyone down, we're just glad you're still here! take care and come back soon!!!!!!! all my love. x x

Re: THANX
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 19 15:07:09 2002 (#15465)

im glad you are ok hun and its nice to hear frm you again, i was worried xxx

Re: THANX
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 16:30:56 2002 (#15471)

glad youre still around!!!! i know i didnt talk much when you were on before but i still felt really upset when you said you were going! hope everything starts to get better fgor you and you even start to smile :) lots of love ella xxx

Re: THANX
Posted by She on Tue Mar 19 16:36:50 2002 (#15472)

Hiya You didnt let ne one down at all. U just worried the fuck out of us but u made us all stronger too . Hope you get better soon Loads of love She**

sorry for not posting
Posted by tracey on Tue Mar 19 02:04:49 2002 (#15437)

sorry i havent posted in a while, ive read the messages to see how your all gettin on. i gave this email site to a mate, and now i feel a litle un-easy about messaging, i dont really want her to read them. but ill see hows things go, i just want to get her the help thats needed. i will reply to the posts soon, take care, love Tracey

our sanctuary
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 19 04:43:43 2002 (#15442)

our sanctuary is falling down//we all lay broken on the ground//words cut like the razors we tend to use//we came here to escape from this abuse//i cry a tear for all of us//i remember how we used to trust//i couldn't live without this sacred place//now a black tear runs down my face//we're slowly tearing each other apart//again i can feel coldness seeping into in my heart//we're starting to listen to what they say//i never wanted to end up this way//selfish and thoughtless and so unfair//we're standing here pulling out our own hair//little words we used to build this wall//are now begining to make it fall//its crushing our spirits its breaking my mind//all because our words had to be unkind//just make it okay, let it go//maybe from this we can grow

Re: our sanctuary
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 19 04:53:50 2002 (#15443)

i loved it mego!! i feel like the people on this board are the only people who really care about me no matter what, and all this fighting we've been doing is ridiculous.

Re: our sanctuary
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 13:43:31 2002 (#15461)

x x x x x x

Re: our sanctuary
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 19 15:36:01 2002 (#15467)

yep i could relate to that mego...thanx xxx

Re: our sanctuary
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 16:38:12 2002 (#15473)

thats AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe how amazing everyone on here is at writing poetry and stories...im so jealous because thats one thing i cant do and i get in so much trouble with it at school...i hate that i cant write and yet everyone here seems to find it all so easy! but hey i guess ill have to find what my talents is....hmmmm.

keep up the amazing peotry....i still cant believe how well you..and everyone else write....its....well AMAZIN!!!!

love ella xxx

Re: our sanctuary
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 21:15:17 2002 (#15489)

that's really sad but really good. good job. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: our sanctuary
Posted by tracey on Wed Mar 20 00:38:43 2002 (#15511)

i loved the peom, your very talented. keep going

Please dont cry
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 19 04:58:35 2002 (#15444)

Please dont Cry:

deep brown dishes/ of chocolate mousse/ drowning in droplets of the unknown/ bittersweet kisses, and hidden intrigue,/ little girl why do you cry?//

the dolly is broken/ the giver forsaken/ alone here in these strokes of blue/ the world so large, and the reasons forgotten/ but little girl, why are you crying?//

The roughest of hands/ the clasping of fate/ vast emptiness filling expression/ the memorys lost, and the future is stopped/ so little girl please stop your crying.//

Devotion of lovers/ sheer hatred for tears/ emotions flowing through the lack there of/ entrapment of moments, please, girl, dont be sad/ little girl ILL go on crying.

Re: Please dont cry
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 13:45:15 2002 (#15462)

that was beautiful

Re: Please dont cry
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 21:18:39 2002 (#15490)

this is well written. it's cute/awesome. is it ok if i print it out. i wanna show my friends. i have printed a couple out before and i gave all the credit to whoever wrote them. i just thought i'd ask you first. im me and tell me sassycggurl i'll be on for a while. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: Please dont cry
Posted by mego on Tue Mar 19 23:38:25 2002 (#15505)

thats really good bro, but you already know that, right? :) i luv ya!

I Need Advice
Posted by FadeAway on Tue Mar 19 05:14:05 2002 (#15445)

Perhaps I'm being insensitive here, but bear with me please. Over the past three days I have learned more about SI and suicide than I'd care to admit. Someone I care about deeply does one and attempted the other. Granted my pain is not nearly the same caliber as all those writing here, but I hurt just the same. I feel she couldn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. What can someone who isn't involved with SI, but has a friend that is, do? I'm at the end of my rope here...

Re: I Need Advice
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Mar 19 05:34:42 2002 (#15446)

im very tired right now so im probably not going to be of much help, but just be there for her...i know that often times i DONT want my friends to ask me whats wrong i DONT want them to try to talk to me, i just want them to recognize that no matter what kinda peppy girl im pretending to be that somethings wrong and i just want them to hug me and let me cry on their shoulder and not ask me to talk about it if i dont want to. in my eyes thats everything that could help me.

Re: I Need Advice
Posted by elf on Tue Mar 19 05:46:09 2002 (#15448)

i agree with Crimson Fire. The best thing you can ever do is just be there... that's what friends are for. Support her and make sure she knows you care.

~elf~

Re: I Need Advice
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 08:30:20 2002 (#15457)

First, you need help in dealing with it. I know it seems funny, but if you have hang-ups about SI, you can't help someone deal with it.

Secondly, you need to talk to this friend and try to understand where s/he is coming from. You need to understand why this person uses SI, how it helps them and the depth of their SI (how do they injurer themselves and how badly)

Third, you need to be available to this friend. Most self-injurers only harm themselves in private, and I'm sure almost everyone on this board would agree with me on that. The more time you spend with your friend, the less amount of time s/he will have to hurt themselves and the more included they will feel.

Fourth, you need to be supportive of this friend. Do not try and take away SI from this friend, it will only make them more insecure and make them feel more alienated. You need to understand that it is a coping mechanism and help them find other ways to cope, better helping them stop the SI.

Finally, you need to be able to understand that it takes a long time to stop SI. It took me six years. You need to be patient and understanding.

I wish you all the luck! Frost

Re: I Need Advice
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 17:21:35 2002 (#15481)

hey

i know what youre going through because i came onto this site for the exact same reason...i wanted to help my friend that has just started SI again and i wanted to know the truth bout it all and this is certainly a great place to come. also check out the secret shame website its brilliant i think for all sorts of information to help you understand and get a feeling for what its all about!

altho i dont cut or externally hurt myself (so i kinda am not a SI) i do take overdoses of sedatives all the time to dull me to any pain and anger i feel...so that in a way is a different kinda SI?well i guess it is cuz its my way of hurting myself.

anyways just make sure she knows you are there for her and when SHE is ready to talk then let her know you will be willing to listen and things should start to get better...it takes a while and a lot of courage on both of your parts to deal with it all but its worht it! just take it slow and do as much reasearch as poss cuz itll show her how much you care if you understand lots and she doesnt have to explain every lil thing.

good luck with it all and if you have ANY questions just ask....even if you think they are silly ill try and answer them cuz being a good friend and trying to help someone is a great thing to do!

keep in touch

love ella xx

Re: I Need Advice
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Mar 21 01:33:06 2002 (#15547)

Hi, My daughter cuts and the only thing I can tell you is to just be there for them. Don't yell, scream or belittle your friend. That won't help at all. You have to understand that this is their way of dealing with, usually, a lot of pain and other stuff going on in their lives. I know it hurts a whole lot to see someone you love doing this to themselves, but please don't push her to talk unless she has said she wants to talk. Let her tell you in her own time and you just have to wait. Let her know that you will always be there for her no matter what. Take some time to learn about SI. It's a very complex thing and requires a lot of understanding. If you ever want to ask any questions, just email me. Take care. Love,Rhonda

Re: I Need Advice
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sat Mar 23 00:30:49 2002 (#15634)

you just need to be there for them. Don't try to solve the problem, just be there. Try to understand the best you can. But don't ever hate or get mad at their actions, it only makes it worse.

Crimson Fire - Here is your info on Celexa
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 07:54:51 2002 (#15450)

What is the most important information I should know about celexa?

Do not stop taking celexa without first talking to your doctor. It may take 4 weeks or more for you to start feeling better.

Use caution when driving, operating machinery, or performing other hazardous activities. Celexa may cause dizziness. If you experience dizziness, avoid these activities.

Use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while you are taking celexa or affect your condition.

What is celexa?

• Celexa is in a class of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Celexa affects chemicals in your brain that may become unbalanced and cause depression.

• Celexa is used to treat depression.

• Celexa may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide.

Who should not take Celexa?

You cannot take Celexa if you have taken a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) such as isocarboxazid (Marplan), phenelzine (Nardil), or tranylcypromine (Parnate) during the last 2 weeks. A dangerous drug interaction can occur if Celexa is combined with any of these medications.

Before taking Celexa, tell your doctor if you

· have liver disease,

· have kidney disease,

· suffer from seizures, or

· suffer from mania or have suicidal thoughts. • You may not be able to take Celexa, or you may require a dosage adjustment or special monitoring during treatment if you have any of the conditions listed above.

Celexa is in the FDA pregnancy category C. This means that it is not known whether

Celexa will harm an unborn baby. Do not take Celexa without first talking to your doctor if you are pregnant.

Celexa passes into breast milk and may affect a nursing infant. Do not take Celexa without first talking to your doctor if you are breast-feeding a baby.

How should I take citalopram?

• Take Celexa exactly as directed by your doctor. If you do not understand these instructions, ask your pharmacist, nurse, or doctor to explain them to you.

Take each dose with a full glass (8 ounces) of water.

• To ensure that you get the correct dose, measure the Celexa solution with a dose-measuring spoon or cup, not with a regular table spoon. If you do not have a dose-measuring device, ask your pharmacist where you can get one.

• Celexa may be taken with or without food.

• Celexa is usually taken once a day. Follow your doctor's instructions. Take your dose at the same time each day.

• Do not stop taking Celexa without first talking to your doctor. It may take 4 weeks or more for you to start feeling better.

• Store celexa at room temperature away from moisture and heat.

What happens if I miss a dose?

• Take the missed dose as soon as you remember. However, if it is almost time for your next regularly scheduled dose, skip the missed dose and take the next one as directed. Do not take a double dose of this medication unless otherwise directed by your doctor.

What happens if I overdose?

Seek emergency medical attention.

• Symptoms of a celexa overdose include nausea, vomiting, tremor, drowsiness, dizziness, sweating, and a fast heartbeat.

What should I avoid while taking celexa?

• Use caution when driving, operating machinery, or performing other hazardous activities. Celexa may cause dizziness. If you experience dizziness, avoid these activities

• Use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while you are taking citalopram or affect your condition.

What are the possible side effects of celexa?

• If you experience any of the following serious side effects, stop taking citalopram and call your doctor immediately or seek emergency medical treatment:

· an allergic reaction (difficulty breathing; closing of your throat; swelling of your lips, tongue, or face; or hives);

· an irregular heartbeat or pulse;

· low blood pressure (dizziness, weakness);

· high blood pressure (severe headache, blurred vision); or

· chills or fever.

• If you experience any of the following less serious side effects, continue taking celexa and talk to your doctor:

· headache, tremor, nervousness, or anxiety;

· nausea, diarrhea, dry mouth, or changes in appetite or weight;

· sleepiness or insomnia; or

· decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm.

• Side effects other than those listed here may also occur. Talk to your doctor about any side effect that seems unusual or that is especially bothersome.

What other drugs will affect celexa?

• You cannot take celexa if you have taken a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) such as isocarboxazid (Marplan), phenelzine (Nardil), or tranylcypromine (Parnate) during the last 2 weeks. A dangerous drug interaction can occur when celexa is combined with any of these medications.

• Before taking citalopram, tell your doctor if you are taking any of the following medicines:

· another antidepressant such as fluoxetine (Prozac), fluvoxamine (Luvox), sertraline (Zoloft), paroxetine (Paxil), trazodone (Desyrel), or nefazodone (Serzone);

· a tricyclic antidepressant such as amitriptyline (Elavil), imipramine (Tofranil), doxepin (Sinequan), nortriptyline (Pamelor), and others;

· a seizure medication including carbamazepine (Tegretol) or felbamate (Felbatol);

· a stomach medicine such as cimetidine (Tagamet, Tagamet HB), ranitidine (Zantac, Zantac 75), or omeprazole (Prilosec);

· an antibiotic such as erythromycin (Eryc-Tab, E-Mycin, E.E.S., Erythrocin, P.C.E., others) or clarithromycin (Biaxin);

· an antifungal medication such as fluconazole (Diflucan), itraconazole (Sporanox), or ketoconazole (Nizoral); or

· the asthma medication zafirlukast (Accolate).

• You may not be able to take citalopram, or you may require a dosage adjustment or special monitoring during treatment if you are taking any of the medicines listed above.

• Drugs other than those listed here may also interact with citalopram. Talk to your doctor and pharmacist before taking any prescription or over-the-counter medicines.

Crimson Fire - Here is your info on Celexa
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 07:55:27 2002 (#15451)

What is the most important information I should know about celexa?

Do not stop taking celexa without first talking to your doctor. It may take 4 weeks or more for you to start feeling better.

Use caution when driving, operating machinery, or performing other hazardous activities. Celexa may cause dizziness. If you experience dizziness, avoid these activities.

Use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while you are taking celexa or affect your condition.

What is celexa?

• Celexa is in a class of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Celexa affects chemicals in your brain that may become unbalanced and cause depression.

• Celexa is used to treat depression.

• Celexa may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide.

Who should not take Celexa?

You cannot take Celexa if you have taken a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) such as isocarboxazid (Marplan), phenelzine (Nardil), or tranylcypromine (Parnate) during the last 2 weeks. A dangerous drug interaction can occur if Celexa is combined with any of these medications.

Before taking Celexa, tell your doctor if you

· have liver disease,

· have kidney disease,

· suffer from seizures, or

· suffer from mania or have suicidal thoughts. • You may not be able to take Celexa, or you may require a dosage adjustment or special monitoring during treatment if you have any of the conditions listed above.

Celexa is in the FDA pregnancy category C. This means that it is not known whether

Celexa will harm an unborn baby. Do not take Celexa without first talking to your doctor if you are pregnant.

Celexa passes into breast milk and may affect a nursing infant. Do not take Celexa without first talking to your doctor if you are breast-feeding a baby.

How should I take citalopram?

• Take Celexa exactly as directed by your doctor. If you do not understand these instructions, ask your pharmacist, nurse, or doctor to explain them to you.

Take each dose with a full glass (8 ounces) of water.

• To ensure that you get the correct dose, measure the Celexa solution with a dose-measuring spoon or cup, not with a regular table spoon. If you do not have a dose-measuring device, ask your pharmacist where you can get one.

• Celexa may be taken with or without food.

• Celexa is usually taken once a day. Follow your doctor's instructions. Take your dose at the same time each day.

• Do not stop taking Celexa without first talking to your doctor. It may take 4 weeks or more for you to start feeling better.

• Store celexa at room temperature away from moisture and heat.

What happens if I miss a dose?

• Take the missed dose as soon as you remember. However, if it is almost time for your next regularly scheduled dose, skip the missed dose and take the next one as directed. Do not take a double dose of this medication unless otherwise directed by your doctor.

What happens if I overdose?

Seek emergency medical attention.

• Symptoms of a celexa overdose include nausea, vomiting, tremor, drowsiness, dizziness, sweating, and a fast heartbeat.

What should I avoid while taking celexa?

• Use caution when driving, operating machinery, or performing other hazardous activities. Celexa may cause dizziness. If you experience dizziness, avoid these activities

• Use alcohol cautiously. Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while you are taking citalopram or affect your condition.

What are the possible side effects of celexa?

• If you experience any of the following serious side effects, stop taking citalopram and call your doctor immediately or seek emergency medical treatment:

· an allergic reaction (difficulty breathing; closing of your throat; swelling of your lips, tongue, or face; or hives);

· an irregular heartbeat or pulse;

· low blood pressure (dizziness, weakness);

· high blood pressure (severe headache, blurred vision); or

· chills or fever.

• If you experience any of the following less serious side effects, continue taking celexa and talk to your doctor:

· headache, tremor, nervousness, or anxiety;

· nausea, diarrhea, dry mouth, or changes in appetite or weight;

· sleepiness or insomnia; or

· decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm.

• Side effects other than those listed here may also occur. Talk to your doctor about any side effect that seems unusual or that is especially bothersome.

What other drugs will affect celexa?

• You cannot take celexa if you have taken a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) such as isocarboxazid (Marplan), phenelzine (Nardil), or tranylcypromine (Parnate) during the last 2 weeks. A dangerous drug interaction can occur when celexa is combined with any of these medications.

• Before taking celexa, tell your doctor if you are taking any of the following medicines:

· another antidepressant such as fluoxetine (Prozac), fluvoxamine (Luvox), sertraline (Zoloft), paroxetine (Paxil), trazodone (Desyrel), or nefazodone (Serzone);

· a tricyclic antidepressant such as amitriptyline (Elavil), imipramine (Tofranil), doxepin (Sinequan), nortriptyline (Pamelor), and others;

· a seizure medication including carbamazepine (Tegretol) or felbamate (Felbatol);

· a stomach medicine such as cimetidine (Tagamet, Tagamet HB), ranitidine (Zantac, Zantac 75), or omeprazole (Prilosec);

· an antibiotic such as erythromycin (Eryc-Tab, E-Mycin, E.E.S., Erythrocin, P.C.E., others) or clarithromycin (Biaxin);

· an antifungal medication such as fluconazole (Diflucan), itraconazole (Sporanox), or ketoconazole (Nizoral); or

· the asthma medication zafirlukast (Accolate).

• You may not be able to take celexa, or you may require a dosage adjustment or special monitoring during treatment if you are taking any of the medicines listed above.

• Drugs other than those listed here may also interact with celexa. Talk to your doctor and pharmacist before taking any prescription or over-the-counter medicines.

Cutting - my first poem (written about 6 years ago
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 08:20:33 2002 (#15455)

UNEDITED!

Cutting

These tears I cry, Tears of pain Turn to blood and Ooze through my veins Seeping through the wound Made by a razor blade Bleed past the skin and Through the bandaid Trickling down my arm Then falling into the sink So focused on the end I don't even blink Nothing left to live for, No one will miss me Holding on to poetry Keeping me in reality These words flow from pen to paper My only way of expression The blood drops into the sink, Still better than using a gun How much longer for Someone to notice? How much longer to Finish this? How much longer can I cut away? How much longer until The final day?

Re: Cutting - my first poem (written about 6 years
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 13:50:44 2002 (#15463)

that was really good. i think a lot of us can relate to that. take care. lots of love, el x x

Re: Cutting - my first poem (written about 6 years
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 19 15:39:20 2002 (#15468)

that was very good.....thanx xxx

Re: Cutting - my first poem (written about 6 years
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 17:27:33 2002 (#15482)

hey that was really good, gave me goose bumbs all over! hope you are well :) ella x

I'm all keyed up..want to move
Posted by Dawn on Tue Mar 19 08:23:09 2002 (#15456)

There have been so many changes in my life I want to run away....from me...from Paul...to another state...to a new live....to begin again.

When I was a kid my father was in the Air Force and we moved all over. I remember as we drove through West Virginia or Virginia on the west side of this mountain there was a beatuful park and lake where we stopped for a break and inside me my heart felt a peace. Then we got back in the car and at the top of the mountain was an old mom and pop motel, gas station and grocery, with benches out back to sit and eat your meal and watch the babbling brook. I wanted to stay right there. There was PEACE.

I want peace. I want to see it, expose myself to it. To become one with it. Tara's mom and I email each other. I've thought of moving to the state she lives in. I really want to... but I need a town where doctors take people with state medical cards, and counselors who listen as I change and grow through the memories of my past......

But it is like trying geographical changes to get alcoholics to sober up. My moving to where Tara's mom and I have talked about won't work for me. I was raped by so many guys, a whole motorcycle gang. I'm barely getting by now I don't need to relive those memories. I wouldn't feel safe walking down streets. God would have to assure me He would be with me every footfall I'd make.

And then there is Paul. He helps me live. He helps me feel safe. I just react when he says it doesn't seem life were boyfriend and girlfriend because we rarely kiss or hold each other. But it is my past.

People tell me all the time "Just don't think about it!" But how can I. How do I put it behind me when several of the people were people close to me, my father, my uncle, my cousin, my husband, his brother, my best friend growing up.

I'm stronger now, I have reckoned with my anger and have vowed to defend myself even to the point of death. But for how long will I be physically be able to defend myself when I went to sleep and woke up to darkness and didn't know if it was 8AM or 8PM till I checked my phone in the living room, but I knew I needed to check my blood sugar. it was 61. Thats scary. I tell Paul when I'm sleeping like that and my blood sugar drops I could die. The pain medication they put me on decreases my appetite. It is gone. So I have to see my doctor and I don't want to leave my apartment

I may think about killing myself at times when my memories surface. But killing myself and dying in my sleep are two different things. First of all one is an irrational though, and the second can really happen and I not have any control of it.I WANT CONTROL!

I don't want to move. I just don't like want Paul to say he doesn't want me as his girlfriend. Have you even noticed it is easier to break up if you are the one doing the breaking up, than it is when someone wants to break up with you?

I have had those times when I feel like shit an want to cut myself then I'm cooking and cutting a potato the knife slips and I slice my hand and its a whole new story. It isn't a good thing, a controled thing. It hurts and I'm bleeding blood and I want the flow to stop, and seeing the pool of blood grow is a scary thing, NOT A RELIEF. NOT "OH GOOD I'M ALIVE" but an "OH MY GOD I COULD DIE...HELP!!!!!!! Cutting is a whole different deal when I'm not the one in control. And right now this I want to move thing is not what I really want at all. I just want Paul to not bitch about walking my dog, when I say I will and he tells me no he doesn't want me to fall. I just would rather move away that live with contension. Does anyone understand?

Re: I'm all keyed up..want to move
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 13:58:13 2002 (#15464)

I understand that you want to be in control of your life. I want to be in control of mine so much, but I don't feel that I can. Maybe some of that is to do with my age, I don't know. I can't just get up and move away because I'm "too young". You have to do what makes you happy. you've come through so much in your life, it's stupid to give up now. so take control and do what you have to do, only you know what that is. take care of yourself. love eleanor. x x

Re: I'm all keyed up..want to move
Posted by She on Tue Mar 19 16:58:14 2002 (#15476)

HIya i know what u mean . Im in controll of what i do in my life i suppose as ive suddenly decided to move or go away on long hollidays out of the blue several times however im definatly not in controll of my body someone else seams to be .It would be so nice to be able to decide what pills i could or couldnt take . You've obviousley been rthrough alot in your life and mabey it would be nice to have a change of seanory and a fresh start.# Loads of love She

Re: I'm all keyed up..want to move
Posted by Lost and Not Yet Found on Tue Mar 19 17:03:22 2002 (#15478)

Dawn, i understand the whole control thing. that is one of the reasons i cut i suppose. its the only thing i have in my life that only I control. no one else tells me how when or where, its all down to me. ive had to move away from friends and family twice, once when i was 8 and once when i was 14. when i moved recently it uprooted my life and i lost all control it was the finally thing that made me feel desperatly out of control. so i understand your reasons and your hurt. i wish i could move. i want to choose where i live and who with but i have no choice. you should go where your heart tells you to, no matter what others say its more important that you feel right where you are.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

THANK YOU EVERYONE
Posted by Dawn on Wed Mar 20 07:38:29 2002 (#15519)

When I was a teenager I ran away 9 X from age 14-18. The last time I was on the street for 14 months. And let me tell you on the street your body is the price for everything... from food to a bed for the night. But that is not what is negociated at the beginning. Pretitors lie, and young, GULLIBLE girls... and guys who are looking for something they will never find get sucked into things they can't get out of. I learned the hard way and stayed with the first guy who didn't raped me the first night or two. Then I let my guard down and he kissed me with such tenderness I thought he was different. I was so desperate I fell prey to his suave words and made a vow to do everything within my power to win his love and spend the rest of my life doing whatever it took to KEEP him. Now I'm sorry I did. He was a liar, a pervert who after 15 years tried to get me to let my dog clean me up. He'd have sex with my body when I was unconscious from drinking too much and smoking too much pot. And the next day when I asked about the mess I was in he'd say,"Don't you remember, we had fun last night." No one you knows him would believe these stories. That is how they operate. So when I was I want to run away you can take it to the bank that is not what I'm talking about.

Because of all my bad decisions I am mentally ill and live on government assistances, staying mainly inside my apartment, because I KNOW WHAT IS OUTSIDE.

I know how to transfer my housing assistance, apply for foodstamps, know what to look for in a town I'm considering moving too. And with the web I may be able to make it a lot easier to find what I'm looking for. And I have one sourse that has never let me down. I go to God. I humble myself and confess how I cannot depend on my mind and emotions to judge rightly, because I could make a list that would almost circle a globe of the bad judgement I've made. I need His guidance because my guidance is confused by my past, my present, and my life experiences.

Tonight I made a decision that is difficult to undertake. Whatever kind of relationship I've had with the man I have counted as my boyfriend is not heallty for me. I cannot live with disharmony, anger taken out on inadimate objects especially those belonging to me. And I will not have my mental health blamed for statements someone else said and then blame my mind for formulating "My version" of what he had said. He pushed the wrong button when he pushed that one. I may be mentally ill but I know what I said and what others said to me.

And this time I do not have to punish myself for being someone elses patsey. I've not lost it, and I wont accept it

You all want to get better. Well this is how you do it. First make clear in your mind what the truth it. Then prepare to do what it takes to work it out for the best for you.

Thank you all for wading through this. Please do yourself a favor and stand up for yourself, pick and chose your battles and never go into battle without checking with the One who sees the ending from the beginning. Become you own best friend it helf more than you know.HUG........DAWN

Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by FROST on Tue Mar 19 08:39:36 2002 (#15458)

Hey everyone. I realize I probably started on the wrong foot, and I'd like to start over. I sat here tonight, reading some entries when it hit me: I don't know anything about all of you. So, your mission, should you choose to accept, is to write your life story, or a mini-auto-biography if you will. I'm thinking it would be a blast and we'd all learn a lot about one another.

Deadline: Due Monday, March 25, 2002 (I will not be here, as I'll be in a car on the way back to my home, but I think a week is a good time)

Requirements (LOL!): Tell us where you were born, who your family is (immediate or extended), who you are, when you started SI and why, what you like to do and anything else you'd like to add.

C'mon people! I think this will be great! You can make your own post with your mini autobiography, and title it whatever you want, but make sure I can tell what it is from the title :) If you think I'm just a loon who needs sleep, ignore this. Frost

Re: Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by Lost and Not Yet found on Tue Mar 19 16:49:28 2002 (#15475)

i think that is a great idea. especially as people come and go around here so its hard to keep track. i used to post here a lot as lost and lonly, now ive come back i only recognise a few names. the idea is great frost. mine will be here by the 25th.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by She on Tue Mar 19 17:01:34 2002 (#15477)

I think its a nice idear however i cant remember much past 4 months ago lol( to much drugs) Ill try though. Loads of love She

Re: Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 18:11:33 2002 (#15487)

yes teacher! lol! sounds good, i'll definitely do one. sorry you got off to such a bumpy start on here, you seem pretty cool. lots of love, el x x

Re: Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 21:31:16 2002 (#15492)

yea i agree with the rest of them. i think that'd be a great idea. then we'll know each other and be able to help each other more. i'll do it. idk what i'll be able to remeber but i will. ttfn. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by tracey on Wed Mar 20 01:07:00 2002 (#15512)

i'll give it a go, we will all get to know eachother better.

Re: Your mission, should you choose to accept it:
Posted by mego on Thu Mar 21 04:40:38 2002 (#15554)

first of all:i totally respect you for this, thanks for trying to fix any problems you think you might have caused, instead of being stubborn. and i'd like to apologize for freaking out, i just get defensive somtimes.

I've lived for my whole life in Chicago, with my parents and my little brother. I'm fifteen. I don't really know who I am. I don't really have any hobbies or anything. I'm not really all that clean cut, so to speak. I get in my share of trouble, but don't we all?? I love my mom, probably more than almost anything in the world. Just lately I've been getting along with my dad a little better. They're both alchoholics and beat on me from time to time, but just lately thats been getting a little better. We still have our moments. I started cutting when I was thirteen, I don't really know why, but it helps, you know? Of course you do, otherwise you probably wouldn't be here. I write a lot of poetry, not that its any good, but I'm not looking for compliments. Just typing whatever pops up in my head at the moment. I'm constantly having these crazy ass mood swings. Almost like personality changes. I'll go from being shy and quiet to loud and outgoing, from in an okay mood to a terrible one. I guess I have a hockey temper, thats what some of my friends say. I get really mad, really easily, usually over stupid things, so if I blow up on anyone here, I'm sorry. I can't help it. I've never gotten professional help for anything, I don't plan on it. The only person who knows is my mom, and we don't talk about it. Alright. Enough rambling.

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 19 15:15:03 2002 (#15466)

SHIT! im soooooooooooooooo angry, scared confused, lonely, sad. social services are gunna tell the bastards!!! someitme soon aswell i have to go see them this week. im soooooo scared i dont know what to do. im sooooooangry and hurt and upset and all of this made me cut last night. i hadnt done for over three weeks and then look at me......i cut my leg 6 times!!!! oh i dont know what to do anymore i dont see thepoint. this is just one huge nig mess that is gunna get even worse after the parents find out bout him. i hate myself sooo much im so ashamd of myself that no amont of cleverly worded adjectivs can describe!!! it really does get ba ddoesnt it when you realise that you feel so bad that even writing poetry or woteva doesnt help.

i do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. i see a whole lotta grief that i dont deserve. i hate my life and i hate the knife but cant survive without it. aaaarrrrgggghhhh i just wanna die, i wanna disappear i wanna run away i wanna pinch myself and realsie this is just one big nightmare. oh how silly of me it is a nightmare, a living one.

Re: shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
Posted by She on Tue Mar 19 17:05:32 2002 (#15479)

Hiya ohhh sweety , Im so sorry its going this way. You have nothing to be ashamed of though. Good luck with it all tomorrow we'll all be here for you if you need people to lean on. Love ya loads She

Re: shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 21:48:45 2002 (#15495)

yea. we are here if you need to talk. She is right. you and everyone in here can talk to anyone in here. take care. lots of love to you all. scaredinthedark

how
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 19 15:46:05 2002 (#15469)

something powerfull, something magic, something strange, something clasic, somethings missing in my life.

something warm, something soothin, something happy something healing, somethings not right in my life.

how i long for those stereotpical childhood memories to come flooding back, how i long for those days of happiness that for some reason i lack.

something evil, something sad, something scary, something bad, some of the things in my life.

how i long for some reality in my life.

how i long for my life.

how i long for

how?

Re: how
Posted by She on Tue Mar 19 17:07:23 2002 (#15480)

That was amazing wow loads of love She

Re: how
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 18:00:27 2002 (#15485)

so whens the book coming out?! I love you sweetheart, never forget that. I'm always here. el x

Re: how
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 00:30:35 2002 (#15663)

Thats cool I enjoy reading it over and over thaanx for posting it take care xxxErryn

hhhelpe
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Mar 19 16:08:49 2002 (#15470)

eeerrrrmmm sorry im invading the mesage board but i cant cope. this is getting way outta control . im screaming in the inside and no1 nos help help help me please i dont know wheere to turnnnn im sha ki ngos much icant even type this is getiing siiliy . i want to be normal again i wannt to bee meeee dont no what to do anymorem

Re: hhhelpe
Posted by Lost and Not Yet Found on Tue Mar 19 16:45:43 2002 (#15474)

Donna, you are the only one that can stop this. you must be strong, every one in the world has strength that they dont realise is there. its hidden inside each of us, and now is a time that you need it so you must find it. if no ones knows how you feel then find somone you can talk to. talking things through helps so much. if things get spoken about they do not go away but the get delt with which makes them less painful for you. the people around you cannot sort things out for you but they can be there to help you through it. finding the ability to go to someone and say...look i need help coz i cant deal with this on my own...if you can do this to someone other that the people on this board then you will find things start to get easier. we all support you and care for you. dont let anything/one control you...learn to be in control of your thoughts/feelings/life. it will help i promise.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: hhhelpe
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 17:49:51 2002 (#15484)

heya hun,

im sorry that i wasnt on earlier! im sorry that you are having a really hard time now...but im sure that you will be able to work through it!!!

DONT BE ASHAMED that you cut yourself...remember what i said bout it being a lil victory in your gaining control of your life and of how you cope. sure it was great that you lasted three weeks and cutting yesterday wasnt you failing, more of a relapse....but you can pull through it. its understandable that you have so much pain and anger and stress and fear inside you that you dont know any other way that will help but im sure there are other ways. i know you'll probably laugh at me for all these suggestions but this is what i do when im tryin to get it outta my system and tryin to resist taking any more drugs! i run listening to my fave music and SCREAM the words out till im so tired and most of my anger has mellowed, i get my book out and paint in all the feelings i have either in pictures or just the words, i go out into this field and just sit...no matter what the weather and i let the wind or the heat or the rain over come my feelings till i cant think of anything else (its like its MY place and im in a whole new world).....i dunno if any of those would help at all but im only tryin to help and you deserve to be happy cuz you are tryin to get better and succeed and thats SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better than a lot of people who have everything handed to them on a plate...you know what life is and you appreciate it!

please get back to me when you can cuz i wanna help you the way you are helping me!

lotsa love ella xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: hhhelpe
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 18:05:03 2002 (#15486)

honey, I don't know what i can say that other people haven't. just stay strong, like I know you are. we came on the board at about the same time and you helped me through so many bad times in the beginning. now I want to help you. if you need to talk, rant, rave whatever just email me or put me a messsage on here ok? we'll gwt thru this together. Love n stuff, el x x

me
Posted by eleanor on Tue Mar 19 21:35:30 2002 (#15493)

I just need to get some things off my chest. I feel so down at the moment, more aware of my scars, of what a mess my body is. I just can't see that there's any hope. I'm 17 years old and i've never had a boyfriend. what does that say about me? I've always been the fat weird one at school. when I was younger i was rejected because I liked reading and writing. I used to write poetry and stories in my spare time. god, she writes poetry and likes literature, what kind of freak is she? as I got older that became more acceptable, but I still never really had any friends. people at school would be talking at break and dinner about what they'd done on the weekend, some great party that they'd been to, "everyone" was there. everyone except for me. I'm the freak who wears weird clothes, has black hair and just doesn't fit in. oh yeah, i'm fat too. that sure as hell doesn't make me socially acceptable. then I met gena, my best friend and things seemed alright for a while. I could cope with my home life and being the outcast when I had someone to cope with me.

but now.... well, she tried to kill herself and she's going away. the only person who ever cared, and now I'm on my own again. Now i'm not only a fat freak, i'm the fat scarred freak. and I have to be that on my own forever. how can anyone ever love me when I look such a mess? they can't.

Re: me
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 21:45:12 2002 (#15494)

we love you in here. so you do have someone to cope with. us! i know how you feel though the only reason i have friends is because i do colorguard and the band/colorguard people try to be nice to me casue they know i have problems. i've never had a bf either though. and i'm fat. so mabye we're a lot alike. i only have one true friend but it's a guy and he has a gf and she gets jealous when he talks to me. i'm about ready to hit her. and she's supposedly my friend too. idk. they all suck but alex(my one friend). well if you ever need to chat you can im me or email me (sassycggurl or sassycggurl@aol.com) and i'll talk/respond back. i hope your day goes better. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: me
Posted by She on Tue Mar 19 21:54:49 2002 (#15496)

Hiya(hugz)

ohhhh sweety you should nevery worry about what people thing about you allthough we all do , Sux huh?Im not exactally the most populur person in school becaus i've always wanted to do things a little different others. As for veing "socially accepted" your the most helpfull friendly person who i have ever been in contact with. I care about you sooo much . I dont give a shit how you look (however i bet your way pritter then you think)i love you soooooooo much . Keep safe Love you loads She **

Ill always be here for you

Re: me
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Mar 22 01:33:09 2002 (#15593)

Hey Eleanor, I know you've probably heard this before, but if people can't accept you for you, they're not worth your time. There are people in this world who look inside a person to see what they're like and that's the ones you want for friends. I know this probably doesn'thelp you very much, but know that I do care about you and I don't care what you look like. I'm not exactly skinny myself and I do have my bad days, ask my husband!!!!! I judge people by their hearts, and from what I've seen of yours, it's a good heart. You care about others on the board even when you're in pain yourself. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: me
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 00:41:58 2002 (#15665)

Hey girl dont worry about boyfriends and stuff it will all come in time i know it can get depressing when you dont have one but it also comforting and nice not having one. I haven't had one in a couple years and im still happy i have to be i have two kids that depend on me I love you as a friend and if you ever want a place to come and hang out I would love to have you here!!!! just take care because I need you around Sorry I was late posting this I found out I had mono and it kicked my ass!!! take care loveErryn

Re: me
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 24 14:41:14 2002 (#15677)

thank you!!!!!! if I lived in america I'd be round your place like a shot! unfortunately I live in england so it'd be a little difficult. hope you're feeling better now sweetie! give your kids a BIG hug from me. love always, el x x x x

you can't keep me down
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue Mar 19 21:59:56 2002 (#15497)

Hey, hey man, what's your problem I see you try to hurt me bad Don't know what you're up against Maybe you should reconsider Come up with another plan Cuz you know I'm not that kind of girl That'll lay there and let you come first (Chorus) You can push me out the window I'll just get back up You can run over me wit your 18 wheeler truck And I won't give up You can hang me like a slave I'll go underground You can run over me wit your 18 wheeler but You can't keep me down (verse 2) Hey, hey girl, are you ready for today You got your shield and sword Cuz it's time to play the games You are beautiful even though you're not for sure Don't let him pull you by your skirt You're gonna get your feelings hurt (Chorus til' fade)

i thought this would be a good song to put on here. for hope or sumtin. idk forget it oh well. scaredinthedark

Re: you can't keep me down
Posted by tracey on Wed Mar 20 01:23:41 2002 (#15513)

i like the song, 'you can run me over with your 18 wheeler truck but you can't keep me down' thats soo true.

Re: you can't keep me down
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Mar 20 21:12:42 2002 (#15535)

thanks i'm glad sumone knows what i'm talkin about

Re: you can't keep me down
Posted by Erryn on Sun Mar 24 00:45:21 2002 (#15666)

This is also one of my favorite songs it rocks I love the pink album it says alot take care xxxErryn

some fave quotes
Posted by ella on Tue Mar 19 22:46:19 2002 (#15501)

heya everyone,

i just thought i would share some of these quotes that i particularily like....none of them are by me but oh well, im sure everyone has heard me say i cant write :(

"if you judge people, you have no time to love them" Mother Teresa

i thought that was kinda appropriate cuz of all that cuffuffle earlier on :)

"a friend is a gift you give yourself"

"there are high spots in all of our lives and most of them come about through encouragement from someone else"

"in the darkest hour the soul is replenished and given the strength to continue and endure"

"you gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in t