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Threads 76 to 100

FUCK IT, I CAN'T DO THIS!
Posted by JULIA on Fri Mar 9 19:18:18 2001 (#234)

It's okay if no one reads this. I believe I am not worthy to be here. I am really wanting to die right now. All of you here seem to understand where I'm coming from, I like this. Is anyone even here right now? I still have those pills here with me now, don't know what to do. I'm thinking. Maybe I could run far away instead, I guess that wouldn't work. Well, my mind is sort of blank, what should I do? I can't stop thinking about SI and wantin to die :(

Re: FUCK IT, I CAN'T DO THIS!
Posted by Barbara on Fri Mar 9 19:25:21 2001 (#236)

Barbara's here. I'll be honest. I don't know what works for you. What got ME through this Friday, is Kurt Vonnegut's Timequake and that movie Girl,Interrupted. My email is marcel@hilarious.com.

I'M GONE:(
Posted by Julia on Fri Mar 9 19:25:09 2001 (#235)

I want out of here. I am leaving my school and I don't know where I'm going yet. I'm just going to leave. I can't take this anymore. I hate school so much, I hate my lie so much. What's the point of living? What's the big deal if I die anyway? What's the big deal if I do take these pills? I bet I'd feel better if I did do it! Please I wish so much for help, I wish for something, anything, as long as it's good. What's happening to me? Why do I want to die so much?

Re: I'M GONE:(
Posted by Barbara on Fri Mar 9 19:32:24 2001 (#237)

tell me

I AM GOING TO DO IT
Posted by Julia on Fri Mar 9 19:35:09 2001 (#238)

OKAY, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT NOW. I WANT TO DIE AND THAT'S IT. I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT RIGHT THIS SECOND BUT TODAY. WISH ME LUCK. I'M ONLY A NEWCOMER TO THIS GAME, MAYBE THERE ARE TRICKS OR CERTAIN THINGS I NEED TO LEARN, OR MAYBE I'LL BE LUCKY AND GET IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME..........

I'M CRYING, I FEEL LIKE I'M ALREADY DYING......

Re: I AM GOING TO DO IT
Posted by Barbara on Fri Mar 9 19:38:34 2001 (#239)

well then tell me WHY. You oughta give me a reason, and I mean a reason. the truth.

Re: I AM GOING TO DO IT
Posted by JULIA on Fri Mar 9 19:47:24 2001 (#240)

I hate myself!!!!!!!!! I hate the people in my life!!!!!!! I hate everything!!!!!!!!1

Re: I AM GOING TO DO IT
Posted by Barbara on Fri Mar 9 19:51:55 2001 (#241)

Ok. Now go under the hate. Thre's something underneath. Why do you hate yourself? Why others?

Re: I AM GOING TO DO IT
Posted by Alana on Fri Mar 9 19:58:43 2001 (#242)

Julia, please talk to me! don't do it, I can help you through it

Re: I AM GOING TO DO IT
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 9 21:06:22 2001 (#243)

Julia, please, PLEASE don't do it!!!! You don't have to do it!!! You may hate yourself, but there are people in your life that love you. I love you, Julia. What would I do if you did something today? I'd be heartbroken and devastated. Please, PLEASE know that I love you and there are other people in your life that love you and want you to live! Please keep posting and PLEASE don't do anything!!!! Keep being strong, Julia!! If for no other reason then for us! For all your friends on teh boards! Please!

Doris

christine... We care bout you!!!!!
Posted by Julie <3 on Fri Mar 9 22:46:48 2001 (#244)

Hey hunnie its me julie and alisha and we just wanted you to know that we are always here for you if you need a friend to talk to or just someone to lean on!!! We <3 you and we are here to help you and for all of you other people who are struggling and need a friend we are always here!!!! Here are our e-mail address if you wat im us please do!!!! Christine you know were you can always find me and i will see you in shool and you can call me anytime you want 2!!!

Julie~Julie72418@aol.co m Alisha~teddybearbaby00@aol.com

BYE!!!
Posted by blackrose on Fri Mar 9 23:02:57 2001 (#245)

Julia, I'm sry I wasnt there when u needed someone to talk to! I'm sry if I let u down or ne thing! I dunno what to do ne more! I have a few razor blades w/me and a whole bunch of pills! I'm sry Julie and Alisha if I let u 2 down too...if I dont see u Monday what else can I say but bye? SRY! I screwed up on everything...I always screw up! I'm bleeding right now, Julie I know I"m talkin to u right now but I dont know exactly how to tell u what I'm doing so I'll just post it! I'm soo sry! I'll stay on longer cuz I really need u to calm me down! k? christine

Re: BYE!!!
Posted by Alana on Fri Mar 9 23:24:35 2001 (#246)

tell me how you are feeling, I want to know, I want to be there for you Alana

Re: BYE!!!
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 10 00:00:06 2001 (#247)

Chris, don't do it! Please!

Re: BYE!!!
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 10 03:26:07 2001 (#248)

Christine, honey, I am so incredibly sorry I wasn't online at all today. I was busy with tons of stuff. I am hoping and praying that you are well. I'll be away this weekend - without access to a computer. I just wanted you to know that I love you and I want you to live. If you need anything this weekend, just email me and I'll do my best to check it. Please, please be strong, Chris. You're not alone in your fight. God speed.

Doris

Re: BYE!!!
Posted by Barbara on Sat Mar 10 15:00:51 2001 (#249)

hey Doris how you doin. I'm bad. Drop me a line or mail me. I'm so lonely.

Re: BYE!!!
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 14 18:59:39 2001 (#257)

Hey Barbara,

I'm doing very well thank you. It means a lot to me that you care. Thanks :). Why are you so lonely? You have dozens of people on this board that care about you and want you to be happy. With all these friends there is no reason to be sad :). You just have to think about all the love you get from us. Our love for you will give you wings to rise you above all your sadness. Please don't be lonely. We love you, Barbara. Be well and happy. Write back and tell me how you're doing. Thanks. God speed.

Doris

they seem so insignificant
Posted by demon lover 666 on Sun Mar 11 22:44:42 2001 (#250)

the scars on my wrists. all are deep, but not deep enough. i looked at them when they had all healed and scarred over, they seemd so small, so insignificant, those little white dents in my wrists, how where they going to end all my problems? but they almost did. 2 hours it took to stop the bleeding, i didn't tell anyone, of course, i couldn't, there wasn't anyone to care. there wasn't anyone to phone when i was feeling that bad, there wasn't anyone there to persuade me to trow up when i took an overdose, either. but then i remembered that there was one person that i hadn't tried talking to, and there was one person i hadn't sent that small text message to, that simply said, "goodbye, and thanks for caring". so i decided to try talking to that one person, and did it do any good? of course it fucking didn't. so i'm back to square one, although now i have small insignificant scars on my wrists, and there are no more painkillers in my house. how will i survive?

Re: they seem so insignificant
Posted by red tears on Sun Mar 11 23:36:54 2001 (#251)

U can make it thru this...I'm at the same point u r and it's hard to say this...but part of me knows that I can make it and the rest doesnt think so...I think it's the same w/u! if u ever need to talk I'm here!K? Christine

Re:To demon lover 666 they seem so insignificant
Posted by Rachel on Tue May 15 06:59:15 2001 (#420)

hey i was wondering how much did it hurt? cutting your wrists? I've contemplated suicide for a while now but thinking about the amount of pain i'd go through to do it has stopped me. Tel me an easy way out.

Re:To demon lover 666 they seem so insignificant
Posted by dwmon lover 666 on Tue May 15 20:43:28 2001 (#428)

PLEASE DO NOT TRY AND KILL URSELF!!!! i'm begging you, please, it's not worth it. i know how it feels to hate yourself that much, but theres gotta be something keeping you alive, otherwise you would have done it already. please find some other way. it's important that you survive, if not for yourself, but to prove to whoever has made you feel this way, that you are strong enough to cope. try making a list of things that are bad. (it's harder than it sounds.) then make another list of things that are good, or things that have been good in your life. destroy the bad list. do whatever yoyu want to it, burn it, tear it up, anything to rip up the problems. even something so simple can help.

if you ever feel like this again, please post a message here, i stopped posting, but i'll come back to check on you, ok? email me if things get too bad, i promise i'll reply.

take care of yourself,

pippa xxx

Mail me
Posted by Barbara on Mon Mar 12 11:58:04 2001 (#252)

OK. If you want to talk to someone and everybody is unavailable, you can always turn to me. OK? And that replies to everyone. EVERYONE.

Re: Mail me
Posted by louise on Tue Mar 13 00:33:39 2001 (#253)

you said to mail you so i am. i've fought this with everything in me for months. i've cut,burned,and even talked. nothing helped. i'm at the end of my rope. i can't go on like this. i don't have any friends cuz they don't understand or they look at me like i'm crazy. am i crazy? maybe i should end it all. what do i have to live for? everytime someone sees a scar they stare at me like i'm a disease. maybe it's time to quit hurting people and just end it all now!NOW! CAN YOU HELP ME? WILL YOU HELP ME?

Re: Mail me
Posted by Barbara on Thu Mar 15 06:20:34 2001 (#260)

I apologise I wasnn't avalible to you sooner. Tell us why you want to kill yourself. My email is marcel@hilarious.com.

I don't know if I can help anyone, but I am here as much as I can you listen and talk to you, whoever you are. We're here on this bloody world to help eachother out, whatever it is anyway.

I was also a bit sad that nobody answered my post. I need help so much too. Anyway, Louise, pour your heart out.

falling over on my floor
Posted by JULIA on Tue Mar 13 19:31:09 2001 (#254)

I'm really falling over on my floor you know, I'm really hoping that their is someone out there. I need helpso bad.I have never wanted to die more than Ido right now. Please, I hope someone is listening

Falling over and crying on my floor...

Re: falling over on my floor
Posted by Barbara on Thu Mar 15 06:22:40 2001 (#261)

Hi JULIA.

Fucken dead already
Posted by Julia on Tue Mar 13 19:57:32 2001 (#255)

You know, Ireally can't take this anymore. Isn't anyoneout there? Iwanna die so much.I failed at my first attempt, which sucks. I just don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone knoe how I'm feeling? Please if you do email me or something. I'm slowly dying inside and I can't stop it. Fuck, help me! What'shappening to me? Iwish I was dead.

Re: Fucken dead already
Posted by demon lover 666 on Wed Mar 14 21:33:27 2001 (#258)

i understand exactly how you feel. i have ad so many failed suicide attempts, and no one understands that it's not just for attention. the reason people try and commit suicide is cos they feel they have nothing left to live for, but there is always something. theres gotta be something thats holding you back, there always is, cos otherwise you would have done it properly. you need to find some way of expressing yourself, it doesn't matter if other people don't understand you, as long as you understand yourself.

"this was never my world, you took the angel away, i killed myself to make everybody pay" (Marilyn Manson)

it's true, tho. if you feel you don't fit in you think you might as well be better off dead. but the one thing is that ince you've done it, the light will go out and you'll be gone forever, and who knows what actually happens after death? the rest of the world would be left without you, knowing that there was a suicide and they did nothing about it. trust me, the one thing that stopped me from commiting suicide was when someone threatened to come after me cos they would'nt be able to cope. this was someone i thought hated me, they just came up to me one day, saw the bandages on my wrists and told me that i had to stay alive, cos otherwise i'd not only be killing myself, but someone else aswell. you can always email me, and i'll try and reply, or keep posting messages and i'll definately reply to them.

demon lover 666 (satan is my saviour)

Re: Fucken dead already
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Mar 15 06:27:54 2001 (#262)

That's what bothers me, or something similar. What will happen when I die? Where will I be? I'd want to see schoolmates' faces. What would they say? I'd want to hear it. I can't conceive that I'll be just gone.

Barbara?
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 14 22:38:18 2001 (#259)

Barbara, if you're reading this please post. I'm worried about you. I hope and pray that you are healthy and well. Hope to hear from you soon. God speed.

Doris

Re: Barbara?
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Mar 15 06:38:24 2001 (#263)

God speed, I'm not good. I have an exam tomorow and I can think about is that I need a father figure. I keep thinking it would be alright if I just died, fell on the floor and died of natural causes. I can't get any help in my community. I've lost friends and the university psychologist is not worthy of that description. On help lines there are women only and they know my troubles. Do you think that for some people there is meant no help? I know two men who I think could help me. One has professional boundaries and other, well, I don't see him much. I passed my first exam because of him, btw. He's really really nice guy. I wonder what he'd think if I killed myself. ANYWAY, how are you? I don't know anything about you.

a little about me...
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 15 14:03:15 2001 (#264)

Hey Barbara,

First of all, it would not be alright if you just died. Trust me, a lot of proplr would miss you. If your University pyschologist is not helping then you MUST find another. I know it's hard to believe, but they really do help. And no, I don't think anyone is meant for no help. That's like saying that they're beyond help and that is too horrible to imagine for me. Everyone can be helped, they just have to want to be helped and be open to other people. And about that "really really nice guy" and what he'd think if you killed yourself... trust me, if you know someone (even someone you've met only once) and they killed themselves, it's a traumatic experience. He would be heart-broken. I just know it.

Anyway, about me? I'm 18, I'm in a college in Philadelphia. I was diagnosed with manic depression three years ago. I started cutting when I came to college and my suicidal thoughts went from every now and then to every single second. I would do things like stop in the middle of the street to see if a car would hit me. I always wanted to die because of an "accident" so that I would not be labeled with "she killed herself" cuz that sounds so aweful. Anyway, a few months into my cutting it got really bad. I went home for Christmas vacation and told my family what I was up to. They got me the help I needed (medication, pyschiatry, etc.). Now, I haven't cut in almost three months and I'm happier than I ever have been. I never think about suicide now. Now my mission is to relate to and help other people who are where I used to be. Because I truly believe that ANYONE can get through this. It's so much better on the other side and I am such a better person because of what I went through. I just wish you the same luck I had.

Anyway, sorry to write so much. Hope you are alright. I know you need a father figure... and I wish I knew what to tell you. Do you have any uncles or cousins that you really like that you could get closer to? Have you ever thought about something like the "big brother" program or something? That might sound like a stupid idea, but that's the whole purpose, to have a positive male influence. I think you should consider it. Anyway, I must go for now. I have a final exam in a half hour. Please be well, Barbara. And trust me when I say that I would miss you like crazy if you were gone. I wouldn't be able to handle it. So please be strong. Be well and happy. God speed.

Doris

a reason to live
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 15 14:06:34 2001 (#265)

The cold metal in your hand,

Nothing but sadness and fear in your heart,

With death on your mind,

No more energy left.

Screw the world; forget it all.

Life was not meant to be this way.

You want to drain your arm,

You want to see the puddle on the ground.

You’re tired and you’re ready to go.

You think there is nothing more for you here...

But there’s a problem you see.

Because I won’t let you go.

You’re my friend and I love you.

If you have nothing else you have that.

Friendship is more than enough to live for.

So survive for our sake if not your own.

Smile and drop the razor.

When you cut yourself you cut me too.

And I don’t enjoy the pain as much as you do.

Stop hurting us, start living.

Re: a reason to live
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Mar 16 13:54:15 2001 (#266)

This was unbeliavable day. I'll write later, I'm just dropping by. I think most powerful line is "When you cut yourself you cut me too." Jesus! I hope that exam went fine. See you god speed.

???
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 17 16:23:54 2001 (#268)

Hey Barbara,

I'm so curious to hear how you're doing. Please post! :) God speed.

Doris

Re: ???
Posted by bARBARA on Sun Mar 18 15:54:53 2001 (#271)

I will I promise. I'm not jumping out of joy but I am better. I'll post later. I don't know what I did you win your attention but thank you and I'll see you later.

Re: ???
Posted by bARBARA on Mon Mar 19 20:44:15 2001 (#278)

Hi God speed and everybody. First to reply to your post. There's no such thing as Big Brother programme in our country. I don't know about the rest of Europe. You know, I printed out you post and reread it many times, especially the first part.

Want to talk ironic? Today, as I was sitting in the library where you can study, I was reading it and guess who sat down a few feet away. Mr. Nice Guy. And I'm reading the sentence where you said he'd be heart-broken if I killed myself. It was a strange situation. I didn't have the courage to go to him to say hi and chat. He did though. We haven't seen eachother for like five years, since elementary school basically, where we didn't even hang out in the first place. He just comes and starts talking. He said he didn't understand how I hadn't passed any exam last year or that I had one by this time (I was one of the best pupils in primary school). My face didn't show how painful that was to hear, how much I wanted to tell him.

We've talked twice till now, casually, chit chatting away about exams and professors. I can't tell him with that relationship that the reason I'm doing bad in exams is because I'm suicidal. We don't see eachother a lot, once every two, three weeks. If we saw eachother every day, I think we'd become friends and I could confide in him. But that's not the case. But I feel edgy; there's a guy like him and I'm toying with death thoughts, he could help me and I cannot tell him. I don't want to picture him as a saint, but all I can say is that people like him are a part of the good stuff in life.

On Friday I had an exam. I didn't study, and I mean I didn't at all. I was so depressed. Every step was into a huge black hall. I felt completely disconnected, alien and no impetus. I decided to call a helpline, a new one that I found, after the exam. But weird things started happening. Everywhere I went I got tangled up in a convesation. I had no oportunity to think about myself or sadness. I was too busy! It was happy no matter the fact was was failing flat. So then we started writing. Three questins. I knew the first from the last exam. So after 10 minutes I started looking at people and the professor and how everybody was cheating. And then, out of nowhere, the girl next to me started whispering to me the second answer. Now I am used to that I'm the one that's nice and helping people and in return people treat me like something the cat drug in and I of course put up with it. At first I just stared at her. What was she doing?

Maybe it has something to do with karma, because I sent a package of books and pencils and watercolors to a family in need, via The Red Cross a week ago. I don't know. It was just really weird. And don't think she knew the answer, she was reading it from all those small papers she had in her sweater. So I had two out of three. Still no good for a positive grade, but a lot considering circumstances. Then I relised I had nothing to lose and asked the professor about the third question. He didn't give me the straight answer, of course, but an example, something about the Ford company. What I wrote is not exactly in the book. So I don't know. I think it'll be a miracle if I pass, but I don't think I desirve to. It was just really strange how the good stuff was happening out of the blue. I ended up not calling the helpline. Heck, I didn't need it that day anymore.

Throughout the weekend, I was back on the dole. Needless to say, I couldn't study. The only good part was seeing Billy Elliot. MY GOD! The movie was brilliant. Today I exchanged a few lines with the professor I told you about. He asked: How's life? -Ok. -Ok? -Ok. -That's a kinda sad ok. Then we were interrupted by a girl that was calling me. I read some essays about Salinger and Kurt Vonnegut this weekend and there was one phrase from a Vonnegut book, canaries in a cole mine. And that's what Mr. God Guy and the professor and a childhood friend of mine are. People who behave unselfishly and capably and decently. Cannaries in a cole mine.

Also today in the library I read a special report in Newsweek about the pedophiles on the web. It was mind-numbing. I feel drawn to it. I was never molested but I feel drawn to it. I can't even say how many articles and news and books and poetry and stories I've read on the topic since early teens. There's this part in me that feels so connected with the victims, I stare in their eyes on the photos for minutes. Why can't everybody be a canary in a cole mine.

Oh, and thank you for telling about yourself. I understand perfectly well what you mean by helping others who are where you were. It's kinda stupid in my case, but anyway, I feel so protective about children, ESPECIALLY of those that I feel something is or was done to them. Sometimes I daydream that I'm in a kindergarden and I'm minding a few kids. My impulse is first to see if someone is alone or not playing. There are radars in me and they scan women and children that are beaten. Sometimes just I look at a woman and I know. So that's what I'd want to do-of couse I don't have courage-protect and hug the children that are hurting in that way. Like a Catcher in a rye or something.

Re: ???
Posted by Doris on Tue Mar 20 00:49:58 2001 (#281)

Wow! I'm so glad so many things are going well for you. About the exam, I really hope you do well - but grades are NOT the most important thing in life - try not to obsess over them. :) It seems that you have some really good friends - this "Nice Guy" and this professor seem to really care about you. I am really glad that you have these people (in person) to talk to. It seems that lately you've had so much to think about and do that you haven't been thinking about suicide too much! And that's the whole idea - to keep yourself busy so that you don't have time to think about the bad things in your life - just the good! I am really really happy for you and thank you for posting! It means a lot to me that you feel comfortable writing and telling me everything that goes on in your life. And that means SO much to me that you printed out my post! *blush*

I'm so happy for you. I hope things continue to go well for you. If you get sad again, just think about the "Nice Guy" and the professor. And maybe me. Think "my friends wouldn't want me to be sad." That helps me when I start to get sad. Did I mention that I'm so happy for you? :-P I really am. Please keep it up with keeping yourself busy and being strong and being willing to share with other people.

Please keep on posting - I love hearing about how you're doing! Especially when you're doing well! Anyway, I must go for now. I'm on Spring Break but I'll be checking the board as much as possible. Thanks again for your post and I hope to hear from you soon! God speed, Barbara. Be well and happy. :)

Lots of love, Doris

Louise, JULIA
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Mar 16 13:57:46 2001 (#267)

Guys where are you

just another one of those nights
Posted by anona1 on Sun Mar 18 08:24:21 2001 (#269)

don't feel like getting into why I cut/scratch until I bleed, rarely burn...am 22 and have done stuff since I was 15, 16...started out doing it to see the blood, now I don't care about the blood as much as the pain...scratch myself until I bleed or saw back and forth with serated knife...I didn't start out wanting to die, but I've been doing this for a long time and I'm not any happier...nothing is going better...been feeling suicidal for over a month now...so far, my head has had control, but I don't want it to anymore...I can't say I am suicidal b/c I'm committed and won't fail...my heart wants to give in...I don't want this life anymore...no one makes me want this life...I know the person who I think I can talk to is sleeping, so screw that...no one knows I cut or anything, I'd be even more screwed if they did...it's bad enough like this...it's strange b/c I hope for better but don't believe it will ever be better...I don't have a reason to live...no one can say it'll be better...if you couldn't tell, I've had a pretty bad night...okay, it's not the worst stage I've been at but it's just about there...haven't started shaking at the thought of giving up yet but don't have the feeling of anything...nothing will help...no one can... my mind hasn't given up, I have

hi anona
Posted by bARBARA on Sun Mar 18 15:50:01 2001 (#270)

Hi Anona I had one of those nights last week tell me what makes you pull through

Re: hi anona
Posted by anona1 on Sun Mar 18 22:26:12 2001 (#272)

I stared at the wall for an hour and a half waiting it to be 9am to call someone...knew I'd wake him anyway...he's the only one who understands and is there for me...was hard to wait...already had about 300 cuts on my leg and scratched over my arm scratches before talking...so I called and we talked for 4 hours...sporatically cut my stomach during talking...shaking when on the phone with him...after I was contemplating so hard what to do...ended up going to sleep yearning to end it all...was pretty hard...and I woke up with the same feeling...sorry I'm not in better shape and can't give you better advice...my past and future aren't good and neither is the present...so unless someone or something comes around, I won't last much longer...guess there's only so long someone can feel like this...

bloody hugs all
Posted by slash on Sun Mar 18 23:21:03 2001 (#273)

just wanted to introduce myself usaully im in the self injury boreds decided both will be better for me anything where i can write my actual feelings down is good im tabitha...call myself slash im a big mutilater its basically my life i found my scars so beautiful and sexy and they are very imporment to me each and every single one of my gash's my burns my symbols all over my entire ugly body i guess im started comign here to try to find sumone who at least aggrees with me on one thing i think i cant find anyone im out here bymyself all alone ripping my jhaed off i have my music and my razor just wanted to welcome myself well ill stop rambling on....:sobs: bloody hugs all slash

Re: bloody hugs all
Posted by anona1 on Mon Mar 19 04:31:29 2001 (#274)

hi...nice to meet you...I came to this board b/c I'm at a different place than the cutters...it used to help, but I've been doing it for 6 or so years already and getting sick of it...been in a suicidal frame of mind for about a month now, but post on both boards usually depending how I feel and to answer...unfortunately I started feeling physically sick today, oh well...been through this so long it was bound to happen...I hate being in a time zone 7 hours different from the only person I can talk to...my head hurts mentally and physically now... uch, can't even remember why I'm going on like this...what answer of similarity are you looking for? I remember when and why I've done most sets of cuts...don't remember all the random ones...anyway, be well

Re: bloody hugs all
Posted by slash on Mon Mar 19 06:21:08 2001 (#275)

i know how you feel...ive been cutting for about four years and trust me i love it to death only thing i have bsides my music but need ot cut alot depper now days...it takes alot more for me to stop crying and etc...what will happen if cutting scaarification doesnt work for me sumday:sobs: i shouldnt even think of that every human thing has left me...need my razor and music.... bloody hugs

Re: bloody hugs all
Posted by anona1 on Mon Mar 19 08:25:18 2001 (#277)

music used to help me not cut, doesn't anymore...cutting used to help, doesn't anymore, it's just a habit...could never cut myself enough to help...300 cuts last night...nothing, just got annoyed...I've always been calm when cutting, I don't cry...I just stare and do it...didn't used to hurt, does now...I don't care...I do it while talking on the phone and no one can tell...don't care, but it doesn't help

hi anona and slash
Posted by bARBARA on Mon Mar 19 20:55:56 2001 (#279)

just wanted to welcome you both. I don't cut so I don't have any experiences to share on that. I'm only suicidal. :)!! Anyway, write your hearts out

nothing
Posted by anona1 on Mon Mar 19 22:30:24 2001 (#280)

alright, so the only person I can talk has enough problems of his own...I know I'm a burden...nothing helps, not this...don't know what I'll do...never known what to do...so will just take the next few days as they are and not bother him I guess...so this is it...only myself...nothing

Re: nothing
Posted by bARBARA on Tue Mar 20 08:47:06 2001 (#283)

and a bunch of people on this board

Re: nothing
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 21 00:57:27 2001 (#284)

Anona1, I'm here for you. And listen, everyone has problems. You're never going to find someone with no problems. So just take your friends as they come, and be there for them too. Please know that I'm here if you want to talk. Email me anytime and I'll get back to you super quick. I'm here. Remember that please. Be well.

Doris

Re: nothing
Posted by anona1 on Wed Mar 21 07:00:29 2001 (#285)

I'm not ignorant enough to think that no one else has problems

Re: nothing
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 21 19:26:15 2001 (#287)

I know that, I just didn't want other people's problems to keep you from getting close to people, or opening up to people. Please email me anytime if you want to talk. I meant no disrespect. God speed.

Doris

shite exemplified
Posted by necrosis on Wed Mar 21 07:03:46 2001 (#286)

was slashing anyway & decided to slash my wrists. Hell of a lot of blood, but couldn't cut deep enough. I don't want to die, but why fucking live?

I do have reasons to live like 'love' but they just facilitate the want to die.

I can't go as I'm 'egotistically needed'.

Shite.

Breathe a cyanide pill. Dance in disgust

Re: shite exemplified
Posted by anona1/alligatorbumps on Wed Mar 21 22:21:04 2001 (#288)

hang in there sweetie...can't stay now but will be back in a few hours (class)

meantime, take care

Re: shite exemplified
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 21 22:31:49 2001 (#289)

No, please don't do that. Why live? I can give you a couple reasons that help me. I think about my future and I think.. what if I'm supposed to meet someone suicidal in five years that I alone can save? What if I'm supposed to cure cancer (or be the next friggin Einstein for all I know)? :-P I'm just saying... life has so many possibilities. Whether you want to believe it or not, it does. To end it is cowardly and foolish. Please think about your future.

And, I know you mentioned this, but think about the people that love you. When someone you love kills themselves, there is a horrible feeling of emptiness, guilt, and regret. They'll live the rest of their lives wondering "What could we have done to stop them?" It's a horrible feeling. I'm not saying stay alive to keep other people happy, I'm saying stay alive to allow yourself to be happy. And in doing that, others will be happy too. There is too much to live for to die... please know that. I don't even know you and I love you. So.. live for me :-P. Just be strong. And email me if you ever need to talk. God speed.

Doris

Ready to die
Posted by Ruby on Thu Mar 22 04:30:07 2001 (#290)

I am 19 years old, and have been through enough in my life that I am ready to die. I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been physicaly,emotionaly, and sexualy abused since I was a toddler. I was an unexpected unwanted pregnancy. I have been hospitalized about 15 times, spent 7 months in a residential rehabilitation center, and a few months in an institution. I have social workers, and a psychiartist. But they really are no help. I have learned not to tell them how I truely feel because everytime that I do they send me off to the hospital. I have given suicide serious cosdideraton. I have attempted and been saved before. This time I have done a lot of research, and I am very confident that it will work. I am not afraid at all. Just very ready to go. I am so tired people lecturing me about things that have to do with me and my life. I don't need to be lectured-I know the consequences of both life and death. I choose death~I give up on life.

Re: Ready to die
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 22 05:21:28 2001 (#291)

Wow, sadly it seems that you have your mind made up. I know you hate lectures, so instead I'm going to beg you. Please, PLEASE don't kill yourself. I don't even know you, but you are my friend now. I'm involved now and I wouldn't be able to handle it if you killed yourself. Believe it or not but I'd miss you. Please reconsider... it's not the only option. Please don't give up. Be strong. I hate to quote from horrible movies, but "You jump, I jump." Please think about me next time you want to kill yourself (because obviously thinking about yourself doesn't work). I'm here for you whenever you need to talk. You're my friend now, like it or love it. :) Be well and strong. God speed.

Doris

Re: Ready to die
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Mar 23 09:52:43 2001 (#292)

I don't know what's it like to be you but I know what's it like to want to die. To feel that you're alone in universe. How it hurts to smile. So if you're on the other side by now, rest.

Ruby
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 23 20:17:16 2001 (#293)

Ruby, If you're still alive, please keep posting. Tell us that you're alive. Tell us what you're feeling, what you're thinking. We're here to help. You may think that the people on this board have enough problems and that you don't want to 'trouble' us with yours. But, that's not true. I am no longer suicidal nor do I cut anymore. I post on these boards to listen to and hopefully to help people like you. Please keep posting. We want to know how you're doing. Thanks so much. God speed.

Doris

Re: Ruby
Posted by bARBARA on Sat Mar 24 10:07:46 2001 (#296)

Actually, because of the fact that we DO have problems of our own, serious problems, we are willing to listen and help.

It makes us less alone and alien and we are a probably better listener that someone who never faced suicide in life.

And our stories differ but the pain is usually the same, Ruby.

Re: Ruby
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 24 19:33:38 2001 (#298)

good point, Barbara :)

why thank you Ruby
Posted by bARBARA on Mon Mar 26 06:45:31 2001 (#303)

COMPLIMENTS DON'T GROW ON TREES

Re: why thank you Ruby
Posted by Ruby on Tue Mar 27 05:08:38 2001 (#304)

bARBARA, What are you talking about?? I think that I should be ofended. Sorry that I have not written, I just got the messages today. I have been in the hospital because I tried to kill myself. I infact am still in the hospital-the staff is breaking the rules by letting me do this. So I appologize that I did not recieve your messages. When I say that I am ready to die I mean it. Little do they know that I don't plan on ever knowing what it is like to be free again. I said that I am ready to die and I mean it. Gotta go my time is up and the staff is coming.

Re: why thank you Ruby
Posted by bARBARA on Tue Mar 27 17:50:15 2001 (#306)

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I meant Doris!!!!

Re: why thank you Ruby
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 20:52:44 2001 (#315)

Ruby,

Thank you for posting. I know I feel better knowing that you are still alive. Please, PLEASE be well and post as often as you can here. Tell us how you are doing/what you are thinking. God speed, Ruby. Be strong.

Doris

Frankly I'm pissed off with this living business
Posted by necrosis on Fri Mar 23 22:42:04 2001 (#294)

Recently been walking so close to the edge I feel like I am grieving for myself & the waste of a life should I go. All I know is something must change because I can't go on feeling this way.

I feel powerless to empower myself. I can't envisage a way I can kiss things better. I can't smell any scent of a solution. Possibilities exhausted. Bled dry, nothing left but a corpse drip fed the occasional drop of hope. Source unknown. Inner courage/strength/fortitude/lov e - oh yes, love

Without love I was empty & lost, but safe. Now I'm full of so much pain & the longer this goes on, the more infrequent the droplets that carry me. Fading, withering, dying. Crushed under. Beaten down. Pulverised feelings, putrifying flesh & burning soul. Body is too weak to live beyond mere sustenance. Fear, disease & psychological malfunction took away any happiness I had. Now love injects me with a poisin that is insidiously killing my will to live. Bollocks.

I would like to help others here, but how do I prevent being hypocritical if the reasons I'd give people to stay are the same ones that don't seem to be enough for me?

anyway, feel free to mail. I'll stick around for a bit yet. Day at a time etc...

take care

love necrosis xxx

Re: Frankly I'm pissed off with this living busine
Posted by bARBARA on Sat Mar 24 12:05:18 2001 (#297)

hi necrosis you on now?

Re: Frankly I'm pissed off with this living busine
Posted by anona1 on Sun Mar 25 05:38:45 2001 (#299)

posting this to see the freaking time difference

Re: Frankly I'm pissed off with this living busine
Posted by bARBARA on Sun Mar 25 20:49:52 2001 (#301)

well said anona

FUCKFUCKFUC:SoBS:
Posted by slash on Mon Mar 26 05:53:48 2001 (#302)

u frankly pissed off with this living shit arnt we fucking all..its not a new thing just SUM pple have shit for them unlike me..pple friends family skool work all that shit me =none shit zero and if i fucking die its going be no fucking better i mean whgat im going go to heaven and everything going to be all fucking better thats what pple nbeen saying all my fucking life any better?? NO...so fuck evryones stupid ass god.. slash

Re: FUCKFUCKFUC:SoBS:
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 21:11:13 2001 (#320)

I didn't want to respond to this post because of the last line. I am a very religious person and your post hurt me. I'm not mad or anything, though - don't get me wrong. I just wanted to tell you that whatever you may think, I KNOW that God loves you, and that His intention is not for you to die. He has a plan for you, just let Him work it out. Everything happens for a reason, just trust in Him. I know this all sounds like crap, but when you have faith... all those suicidal feelings go away. They did for me, they can for you too.

Things won't be better if you kill yourself, not at all. Everyone on this board will miss you. Everyone who knows you will miss you. And, I really hate to say this, but if you kill yourself, you will not be going to Heaven. Suicide is giving into the evil thoughts in your head. People who nourish their evil thoughts do not belong in Heaven - they will go someplace else. I am really really sorry to say that - feel free to hate me, I just wanted to make sure you know the consequences of your actions. Be well. God speed.

Doris

Going to put myself to sleep
Posted by popple on Tue Mar 27 06:12:54 2001 (#305)

I want to know why it is considered humane to put animals to sleep, but not people. When an animal suffers it is put to rest. I am suffering so why is so bad if I am allowed to rest for an eternity? I have lost everything in my life that meant anything to me. I am better off dead. Everyone says how much life would be differant without me, but I don't buy into that notion. I have seen there lives go on without me when I was sent away and not allowed to contact any of them. It was as though I was dead then and all of their lives went on, so I know that they will after I am dead. I have decided to put myself to sleep. No more pain for me I have had enough. Now, maybe that is selfish, but damn it I have a right to be selfish.

Re: Going to put myself to sleep
Posted by bARBARA on Tue Mar 27 17:55:02 2001 (#307)

I know the lure. I do that when I go to bed at night. Pretending that I won't wake up. That I'll finally rest. No more hauntting fear.

Re: Going to put myself to sleep
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 20:55:19 2001 (#316)

I know how you feel, I have been there as well. But, please, PLEASE don't do anything. When you post here you become my friend. And I don't want to lose my friend. Please be strong. I don't even know you and I love you. I would be sad if you never woke up. :( Be well. God speed.

Doris

Why the Fuck am I still here??????????????????????
Posted by Tara on Tue Mar 27 21:48:59 2001 (#308)

i am new to this board.all that i can say is that i hate my fucking pathetic little life.i just wish that people did not care so much about me so that i could fucking leave.i cut,burn,and mutilate myself to hell.i have been raped once almost twice and lost the love of my life and i have manic depression and add.i am so fucked up it isnot funny.i just want to slit my wrist and watch the blood run out of my body as i die.see all the blood cover the floor that i sit on and hear myself take my last breath before i die for good and never come back to this fucking place that they call life.i have tried to kill myself before,but my mom walked in on me and now is keeping a very close eye on me.if it wasn't for that,i would have been gone a long time ago.i am 17 now.i have been wanting to kill myself since i was 15.i would have been dead then if it wasn't for my mother.i wish she would just leave me alone.she would be much better off with out me around to cause her so much pain like i do now.i am going to go now i have went on enough about myself.

Sincerly,

Tara

Re: Why the Fuck am I still here??????????????????
Posted by bARBARA on Wed Mar 28 12:08:28 2001 (#311)

hi Tara,welcome to the board. Just write your heart out. You sound very angry. This is a good place to be angry.

Re: Why the Fuck am I still here??????????????????
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 20:59:34 2001 (#317)

Tara,

I know how you feel. You'd PREFER that people hated you and wouldn't 'miss' you so that you could just finally leave without any guilt. But, I'm going to add myself to the people that care about you. I would miss you, hun. I know that sucks of me to say, but if it keeps you alive, I'd say anything. If something like people caring about you keeps you alive for now - keep that with you, close to your heart. And when whatever troubles you're going through lessen, you can work on finding a more permanent, inner reason for living. Please be strong. I love you. God speed.

Doris

Re: Why the Fuck am I still here??????????????????
Posted by Bipolar on Thu Mar 29 08:30:45 2001 (#322)

Tara, Girl, I know how you feel. I am 19 and manic depressive (bipolar). I have been where you are, and I know how it hurts. I have no answers for you even though I know that is what you are seeking. All that I can do is tell you that I understand. Bipolar is HELL, it controls your moods and your thoughts. Are you taking meds. They can really help. But they are not the only answer. Talking to people that care and professionals will help over time.....I promise

What am I doing these days?
Posted by JULIA on Wed Mar 28 06:35:31 2001 (#309)

I don't know what I'm doind these days, everything is so fucken hard. I was in the hospital for two weeks because I was cutting and wanting to die. I hated it. I can't do anything now, it's a nightmare. Everyone watches my every move and I can't handle it anymore. I feel like a criminal. I was in the Psychiatric Assessment Unit. They say they're suposed to help you but now I think I want to die even more than before. Things just suck. I never thought that I would end up in a hospital. I hope that you all don't get into a hospital like a did. I met some scary people. Anyway, so, now I'm back into the real world again. The world where I constantly entertain thoughts of SI and suicide. I can't continue on this way, day y day, it's too hard. I hate school, everyone is talking about me and what happened. I should have been smarter about what I was doind. You see, I just didn't have enough experience. Tomorrow will be another day where I simply want to die and think more about what I'd say in a suicide note.

Re: What am I doing these days?
Posted by bARBARA on Wed Mar 28 12:12:05 2001 (#312)

God I hate hospitals too. All eyes on you and you feel like you've been caught. I was so ashamed. I couldn't wait to get out. If anyone asks me, I had a stomach ache.

Yea tomorow's a new day. Hope it won't be rainy.

Re: What am I doing these days?
Posted by lost_one on Wed Mar 28 17:29:33 2001 (#314)

Julia hon, I know how hard it was for you in hospital. Please stay strong you will get thru this difficult time, it may not seem like it now but give things time and it will get better. Try not to pay attention to what ppl are saying bout you at school. your real friends will understand and if they dont then they really arent your friends. Good friends dont dis ppl they understand and support ppl. and no you are not a criminal and ppl should not be treating you as if you are. I am so glad you are home from hospital now. Yes for the first little while after leaving hospital things will feel like a nightmare but that should dissapear soon. Please email me or telephone me you have my number and email addy. Talk to you soon i hope. be safe and stay strong. Luv your friend, you know who this is, here's a hint think back to hospital roomy.

Re: What am I doing these days?
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 21:02:52 2001 (#318)

Julia,

I am so incredibly happy that you are still alive. I prayed for you every night, hoping that you were still breathing. I have never been in a hospital, so I cannot share my disdain for them, but I can tell you that you are strong enough to go on. I know it. Please be strong. And keep on posting. We care about you an aweful lot, Julia. God speed.

Doris

what is going on with me?
Posted by laura rose on Wed Mar 28 09:09:37 2001 (#310)

I just got on anti-depressants for the first time in 7 years. And guess what? I'm MORE depressed right now. I don't know if I want to kill myself or what... I've never posted here.. so I guess that says something. I feel like waiting till hershey goes to sleep and blowing my brains out... grr.. I hate this feeling. I'm not trying to be dramatic here... god.. I don't know what I"m trying to say.. forget it.

~laura

Re: what is going on with me?
Posted by bARBARA on Wed Mar 28 12:15:24 2001 (#313)

I don't think those pills work. They're supposed to help you.

Re: what is going on with me?
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 21:05:15 2001 (#319)

Laura,

Please, PLEASE tell your doctor who gave you those pills that they don't work. Call him/her tomorrow! Get on a different medication or increase the dosage on this one - do something. Work it out with your doctor. Please don't do anything! Be strong, you can work this out. I'm living proof that medication CAN help. Please be well. God speed.

Doris

friends?
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 21:14:22 2001 (#321)

Hey Barbara,

Are we cool? It seemed like you were mad at me a few posts ago. I hope you're not. I love you! :)

By the way, how are you? How is everything? I'd love to hear from you. Thanks! God speed.

Doris

Re: friends?
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Mar 29 09:15:40 2001 (#323)

Where was I mad?

I'm not OK. I did some reading though. Daddy hunger can aslo be described as "Skin hunger". When all that you ever want s to be hugged. On the other side, I think I have social phobia. It would be a good explanation why I'm always alone, barely any friends, and I'll do anything I can to avoid public speaking or a touch or that horrible horrible humiliation. It's like I'm stuck between these two extremities. What did I do in my teens? Nothing.

I wrote to my childhood friend about suicide. I wonder what she'll reply. BTW, that exam I told you about, I PASSED. Very very Twilight Zone. Today I have math so I can't pass because it's impossible to cheat everything at math. I feel like after the exam I'll just loiter through the city, shops, antiques, CD shops, candy. I feel like sleeping through the weekend.

BUT, how are you? How did your exams go or that spring break? Love you too, whoever you are. You know what Vonnegut wrote in Timequake? That what makes living almost worthwile for him were the saints he met, people behaving unselfishly and capably. Ditto.

Re: friends?
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 29 19:51:18 2001 (#326)

Aww, I'm sorry you're not well. I hope you realize, though, that you're not alone. You have everyone on this board who counts on you and loves you.

Congratulations on your exam! That's really cool. I hope you don't do horribly in math like you think you will. Good luck!

My exams went fine, and my Spring Break was very boring. I'm doing pretty well, I've decided to transfer schools. And the courses I was taking at my old school don't really transfer well credit-wise so I just stopped going :-P. I'm at home now for the Spring and then I'm going to start my new school in the Summer. That's the only news here. I'm pretty happy right now. :)

Well, I hope you will be well and happy. Good luck on the rest of your exams and try to remember to never stop smiling! :) Have a good one. I'll talk to you soon. :) God speed.

Doris

Re: friends?
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Mar 30 08:56:27 2001 (#329)

"I hope you don't do horribly in math like you think you will." Oh yeah? Well I say I'm gonna do briliantly! Jokes aside, the exam was just another reminder that I got brains, to say it without shame. Had I studied just a little, I'd pass. I solved one and a half of the poblems, out of the all four ones.

Hey, what school did you transfer to? I don't think I know where you went till now. I study economics, btw. Bloody economics. I like it though.

Re: friends?
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 30 09:03:46 2001 (#330)

WOW, I must have read wrong. I thought you thought you were going to do poorly in math. Hehe, my bad.

I went to Drexel University (in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania) for about a year and now I'm transferring to Ohio State University (in Columbus, Ohio). Where are you from? Where do you go to school? :)

Doris

Re: friends?
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Mar 30 21:52:05 2001 (#334)

Maribor, Slovenia. Europe, that is. And do not mess with Slovakia. Very very bad.

What kind of University? I mean what do you study?

Re: friends?
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 30 22:00:04 2001 (#335)

I was at an engineering and technical kind of school studying Computer Science. But, I'm changing to a liberal arts college to study Journalism - my true passion.

Re: friends?
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Mar 30 22:09:25 2001 (#336)

YOU GO GIRL

Re: friends?
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 31 02:02:00 2001 (#337)

lol, thanks :) you're the best

live?
Posted by someone, I hope on Thu Mar 29 10:07:51 2001 (#324)

I don't know whether to live or not. I'm a regular, but don't want to be given away by my name. I'm all alone in the world, feel like Barbara about/with people. I don't want to try to get to know people anymore. I don't like the consequences of life. I want one thing from life, but it's almost an impossibility and not up to me at all. I need reasons to live and not stupid nonsense ones. I'm sorry, I know there's no real answer to that question, at least none that could probably satisfy or persuade me to stay. I have no one and I almost want to get away from this board, but then I'll just have more time with nowhere to go. So sad about life, any time to myself and I end up crying because nothing is good and the things that are good I don't care about enough. I know it sounds horrible. I feel horrible and I hate it. Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay? Why stay?

Re: live?
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Mar 29 16:48:11 2001 (#325)

Hi Someone. What is that one thing you want from life? You can't lose anything posting it here. In my opinion, I think there are real answers to your questions, but as tired-of-hearing-it it sounds, only you can provide them. I might not agree with them, half the world may not agree with them, but they would be right for you, all you'd need. My opinion anyway. So why to stay--I can't give you any answer, but anyone can give you a lot of general soothing stuff.

bye bye and reply

Re: live?
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 29 19:58:16 2001 (#327)

I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel the same way. But then I realized that there are things to live for. How about those unforgettable moments (perhaps just one second) that you find yourself in and are just happy? How about your future - I honestly believe that everyone's life has a plan. What if you are supposed to cure cancer or something like that later in your life? I think of suicide like abortion - you're denying yourself (or a child) the possibilities of life. There are SO many, please believe that.

This may all seem like bullsh*t advice, but it helped me when I felt like you do. Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing, but try to realize that there are people in your life that love you. I don't know your story, but there are people on this board (for example Barbara and myself) that love you and that want you to stay. We would be very sad if you left us. Please be strong. "This too shall pass." Be well and happy. God speed.

Doris

I'm okay for now
Posted by someone, I hope on Fri Mar 30 07:52:20 2001 (#328)

thanks

Re: I'm okay for now
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Mar 30 09:13:51 2001 (#332)

Drop by and scribble some more lines

where are they now?
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 30 09:08:36 2001 (#331)

I've recently noticed that there were several regulars on this board that do not post anymore, and haven't posted in a long time. Did something horrible happen to them? Or do they just not check the board anymore? Does anyone know? I'm worried. I guess I'm hoping for some reassurance that they're okay, but I don't see how anyone could know. If anyone knows anything about them, please post. Thanks.

Doris

research
Posted by Sam on Fri Mar 30 19:22:30 2001 (#333)

Firstly my sincerest apologies for invading your very personal site and please feel free to ignore my message. I am a social work student who is doing a research project (one which I get to choose) and have decided to research young people and suicide/attempted suicide. The reason I have chosen this is straightforward, past research shows a huge amount of young people for one reason or another attempted or succeed suicide, but still the figures are high...too high. I would like to try to establish what help young people can access to help them with this, but without input from individuals who are suffering or have in the past I cannot begin to attempt this mammoth task. I would also like to gain a better understanding myself. If you feel you can offer any input on this I would be most grateful, if you are a young person or when you were younger and this affected you, I would like to hear from you in the strictest confidence. I do have some questions I would like answering if you do choose to contact me but all are purely optional. Once again apologies for invading your site and I hope you can help me with my research. Thankyou.