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Threads 151 to 175

poem
Posted by brother on Thu Jun 28 03:56:02 2001 (#552)

DEATH FROZEN IN ICE

Where did i go wrong? how have i managed to live this long? Every time that i writes a poem or song a part of me finds its way back home.

A hole in my mind so wide emptiness and confusion are piled up inside I have now ran out of places to hide i want to disappearwith the tide.

Why am i under the waves of despair? why to me has life always been so unfair? I don’t know when i lost the need to care or how i missed out on having my share.

For if this is all life can offer me it might aswell not bother me Because too much sadness covers me and confusion it forever smothers me.

When will this all end? how much further down must i descend? Because if i am to suffer time and time again then the day will come and i’ll have to say when.

A pain buried inside of me so deep i have a longing to fall asleep I feel somebody maybe me has cheated me life for sure it has cheated me.

Re: poem
Posted by black rose on Thu Jun 28 16:03:35 2001 (#555)

that was good!

Re: poem
Posted by Doris on Thu Jun 28 22:09:18 2001 (#558)

That was beautiful. I'm speechless.

Re: poem
Posted by brother m on Thu Jun 28 22:43:06 2001 (#560)

thank you both, my poems are called disturbing here.

Re: poem
Posted by Doris on Fri Jun 29 02:46:58 2001 (#567)

I get that all the time. The whole "I don't like your poetry - it's too morbid." Or depressing, or sad or whatever. I know how you feel. People dismiss them like that cuz they can't handle the emotion behind them - or they don't want to. We're the strong ones - we deal with it every day of our lives. Please don't listen and keep on writing. And please keep on sharing!

Doris

Re: poem
Posted by Overcoming-1 on Fri Jun 29 07:46:14 2001 (#569)

Brother: you have a special gift with using words to create a picture of your soul, your heart, your life. I've writen some poems like yours. But I think I finally threw them away. It was a hard thing to do. It took years to come to that place.

Please continue writing, and sharing your poems. They often speak words that some of us can't.

My name is Dawn, but there is a song that says "I will change your name. Your new name will be......overcoming one. I use that because I am no longer call wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid. God is making me in to one who is overcoming a life of pain.

I hope you reach out to him when the pain is too much to bear or write down. He'll be there for you

Suicide- Legal issues
Posted by John on Thu Jun 28 18:53:42 2001 (#556)

Does anyone know what happens to money that you owe once you kill yourself? If you have to pay a loan, does your family pay it, or is it automatically wiped out? If you owe rent, what happens? thanks

Re: Suicide- Legal issues
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 28 19:34:21 2001 (#557)

well I'm not to sure, in my grandmothers case after her untimly death the bills kept coming. I dont know who payed them, maybe no one maybe they just kept staking up. They couldnt make anyone else pay them, it wouldnt be right. Also why are you asking this? having rough times? You can always talk about your stuff here, we're listening and we care believe it or not.

Re: Suicide- Legal issues
Posted by bARBARA on Fri Jun 29 00:11:25 2001 (#565)

why

Re: Suicide- Legal issues
Posted by Alana on Sun Jul 1 17:36:42 2001 (#582)

Well obviously if you die, you don't have to pay it, and I'm pretty sure that it just gets wiped out. But please I'm begging you, don't kill yourself, there are too many people out there that feel this way, get trapped and end up ending everything. I hate to see that happen to people who have made a difference in my life by what they write here, and you are one of those people, so please don't go anywhere. Stay here with me.

Love, Alana

i could be
Posted by brother on Fri Jun 29 00:08:36 2001 (#564)

My life has always been a lonely life crammed full of upsets and so many regrets All that i will leave behind me when i die will be a handful of ashes and un paid debts.

Over the years i have cheated and i have lied been outspoken and i have never worked I have been labelled lazy, cold and even heartless at the end of the day i am only a pile of dirt.

With having so little emotions to speak off i have often laughed at other people’s expense I have never planned for a future since i was a child for life to me has never made any sense.

Once again i am in a mess and am surely doomed i can’t keep surviving amongst all this gloom In my mind i am locked inside of a darkened room i know the walls will begin closing in on me soon.

Some say the words other people only think i am the failure of the family to the bone I have never found the reasons to argue that fact so no denial from me has ever been shown.

I have always been less innocent than guilty i guess at times i really have been lazy I have been to hell and back then on my return decided to stay at moments in all our lif’es don’t we feel a little crazy?

Re: i could be
Posted by Doris on Fri Jun 29 03:11:15 2001 (#568)

Wow. Sounds like something I wrote. Thanks for sharing. :)

Poem......
Posted by Overcoming-1 (Dawn) on Fri Jun 29 08:23:31 2001 (#570)

The Shadow Of Darkness

In the shadow of the darkness There stands a lonely bridge It spans the sunless chasm And leads to the great beyond Where souls forever groan

Those who cross over Do so of their own will Beckoned to an early grave By a death-song That has played tooooo long Freezing their minds And turning their hearts to stone

In the shadows of the darkness A lone soul hesitates As if caught by an invisible hand

Suddeninly a light appears And dispells the darkness In a mighty rushing wind A shout is heard "Come away my child, Follow me."

Illunined by the brilliance The horror of the pit is revealed There is no peace there Only weeping and gnashing of teeth

Slowly turning and facing the light She drops her head in shame Above the weeping a single faint cry is heard "Life is too hard for me I cannot go on. I hoped you'd understand"

Tearfully the soul collapses A whimpering mound One step away from the grave

Re: Poem......
Posted by brother on Fri Jun 29 16:57:15 2001 (#571)

sad but nice poem. take care

Re: Poem......
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 29 17:47:45 2001 (#572)

Wow Dawn, that was a brilliant poem. I mean it, that was wonderful. Hang in there sweetie. =)

Re: Poem......
Posted by Doris on Fri Jun 29 18:08:37 2001 (#573)

Absolutely beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

poem
Posted by brotherm on Sat Jun 30 23:05:54 2001 (#574)

DARKNESS

in the dark forest where i glide through sometimes that breathes no light or living air birds of prey lay waiting for us all shooting down upon our foolish souls, But like everything its a study of course even when i stand young and foolish and helpless the convincing faith of the dark horse brings nightmares to my sleep.

theres caution like an afternoon shadow for suicide is a leaf falling from a tree the candles stop flickering in the dark but the spider keeps spinning its web.

dreams and illusions flash like flowers in fire the dark lullabys begin and lies begin to ressemble the truth.

there's a promise hidden in a criminal and shame appears like an oasis a lover with no love can't love caution or potential

in the darkness of my life a bird floats with me i can't tell if its a friend or my enemy but netherless i walk into harmful situations.

I faced my true self and he scared the hell out of me and i ran back into sacred corner i lied to the demons that live all around me, they sensed my uneasiness and concluded that i was indeed a liar so now they are after redemption.

I can hear them planning my fate but can't quite make out what their saying they just look across the room at me laughing to themselves, i think i should be afraid.

I spoke to brother muddled about my problems, my concerns and my fears and he replied "Let your soul live and it shall praise thee, and let thy judgements help me"

as usual i didn't have a clue what he was talking about but it sounded very impressive so i decided( O give thanks unto the God of souls, for his mercy endureth for ever) "I'm speaking here brother if you don't mind" so i decided to confront my demons and they beat the crap out of me.

another poem
Posted by brotherm on Sat Jun 30 23:27:09 2001 (#575)

people hear my voice although i hardly speak they see me as strong although i am so weak when life faces you then you can't face your fears you can only wipe away so many tears

some people like myself seem only to speak out in anger especially at the people who like speaking out their ass to me they aren't real so their pain doesn't affect me they never search for anything just expect it to all come to them.

when your ashamed to show your face like a shiny but worthless rock when you feel days are just a waste of space the time has come to stop.

Re: another poem
Posted by Doris on Sun Jul 1 06:10:31 2001 (#576)

You are truly amazing.

Re: another poem
Posted by brother m on Sun Jul 1 17:16:43 2001 (#578)

been called a lot of things but never that lol. take care

Re: another poem
Posted by Doris on Sun Jul 1 18:16:25 2001 (#585)

:)

Poem "Sometimes"
Posted by Dawn...overcoming-1 on Sun Jul 1 11:19:54 2001 (#577)

Sometimes I sit and think awhile of how my life would be with innonence and purity the way little childrenn's lives are meant to be.

Sometimes I can remember being happy and laughing joyfully, while rolling dow the grassy hill, behind the super market, then racing to the top to do it all over again. I also remember playing games with my sisters and the kids from the neighborhood, Red Rover, Simon Says, All Around The Mullberry Bush, Leap Frog and Hide and Seek. I was the best hider on the whole block. And those times made life tolerable for me.

Sometimesits good to remember when timew weren't all that bad, and my brothers and sisters coudld play and not get beat for goofing off. It was those kinds of times when I could just be a kid.

Sp,eto,es remembering can be full of surprises, like my mother sitting crossed legged on the kitchen floor, teaching me for the first time to play jacks, and being patient with me till I caught onto catching the ball. Sometimes she'd tell us stories of how she and her birth family would go from place to place picking cotton, or doing odd jobs, or how she'd sneak off and find a tree to climb just to be alone and think. It felt funny to hear it because it sounded just like me.

Sometimes I forget my mother's life wasn't all that good like mine. But most of the time I don't really much care.

Sometimes remembering can make me feel real bad, so bad in fact I just want to die.

But most of the time I don't really want to be dead, I just want a different life...a different past.... or amnesia. So that I can be free of pain and fear.

Sometimes I can almost hear my mother's voice shouting in my ear, "Don't come crying to me. Or I will give you something to cry about," or she wouldn't say it, she'd just reach out and pop me in my face and bust my lip, before I knew what was happening.

Sometimes I feel real sad for the kid I used to be. No one seemed to notice the fat lips, or bruises on my cheeks or legs.

Sometimes I allow the tears to flow from my heart and soaking my shirt. And I embrace the small child still crouched down in a corner inside my soul and I tell her its going to be ok. She is dead and can't hurt us any more.

Sometimes I need to tell people the whys behind my scars, and why I don't venture out of my apartment. But sometimes it is like pulling teeth and the pain is so bad I fill like giving up and taking my life.

But sometimes isn't always, or every minute, or even every day. So when the bad days come I try to wait it out and hold on to the hope that tomorrow might be a better day.

And sometimes the desire to end my suffering is so bad I drop to my knees and I pray. Because God isn't God only sometimes. He is God always. And I don't have to tell him all the details. He knows them all because he was with me my whole life. It is just that when the bad times come I get so caught up in the feelings and the memories I forget to go to him first. I run around thinking up ways to end my suffering, and dying seems the only way out, and cutting is just a distraction that gets me through the present crisis but it doesn't change the past.

So sometimes I just have to hang in there and remember that "This too shall pass,

Re: Poem "Sometimes"
Posted by brotherm on Sun Jul 1 17:27:37 2001 (#579)

amazing poem

Re: Poem "Sometimes"
Posted by Alana on Sun Jul 1 17:33:19 2001 (#581)

Thank you soooo much Dawn, for shedding some light on my dark life. That was absolutely gorgeous what you wrote. I admire that you can put down on paper how you feel. I wish I could do that, I try to but it just comes out as pure garbage that doesn't make any sense. AHHHH FECK! Hahaha, anyways, keep writing and keep posting, I like what you have to say.

Love, Alana

Re: Poem "Sometimes"
Posted by Doris on Sun Jul 1 18:51:07 2001 (#587)

I'm speechless. Thank you for sharing.

Thanks everyone....Plez read
Posted by Dawn Overcoming-1 on Mon Jul 2 05:13:07 2001 (#595)

I know that it seems I can write what others feel. But these poems were written in time of darkness, so dark I thought they would never end.

My best advise is not to be critical about your own writing. It isn't something you are graded on.Its your life and life can be real shitting and still be worth a lot.

The important thing is spilling your guts out. It is like getting a splinter in your finger and you ignore it and it gets infected. It will not get better until the splinter and the infection is treated.

To get better you have to feel the pain, the anger, and life will be worse for awhile but if you hang in there you can heal.

Re: Thanks everyone....Plez read
Posted by Doris on Mon Jul 2 05:41:37 2001 (#596)

Amen, Dawn. Well said.

Lonely
Posted by Alana on Sun Jul 1 17:46:36 2001 (#584)

Yup, thats how I would explain what I'm currently going through.....I'm just lonely. I wouldn't say that I was ever popular at school, but people know who I am, and I HAD friends. Not many good friends, but alot of fun, great people around me. Lately though, I have nobody. I just completely shut down. I stopped talking, stopped going out, went into the hospital so I wasn't at school anymore, stopped eating, stopped sleeping. I stopped everything. But, ofcourse the one thing I want to go away so bad, these suicidal thoughts and self injury didn't stop. It only got worse. I've said before that some days are better than others.....today is a bad one. I feel like complete shit today. I talked to a friend yesterday who was in the hospital with me for a month or so...and she still isn't doing well. When I hear things like that, it makes me feel like I'm not a true cutter, so I get jealous of other peoples misery. its like a competition, the two of us drag eachother along in our depression and make things worse. Has anyone ever had a friend like this? You know, a buddy you have where you guys keep eachother down from jealousy. I feel like an idiot for writing this, but I had to get it out that there's a huge part of me that doesn't want to get better, I want to compete to stay down the longest.

Ahhh fuck, Alana

Re: Lonely
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 1 18:18:01 2001 (#586)

Well Alana, I can't say that I have ever had a friend like the one you have yet I have had some crummy friends. Currently I have no friends, not a one. I haven't spoken to any of my old friends in about 3 months. I have no one, people can't understand that when I say I have no one,I truly mean it, I live with my mother and father who are constantly at work , and if not at work their out. I do know about the part that you say a huge part of you doesnt want to get better. Well when I started cutting It wasnt planned or anything it just happened and then again it happened and then many times after that in the past 2 years. And while I was in the hospital I bullshitted my way outta there by sayin I was fixed. Yeah right, no hospitals can fix me , no doctors can. I have to fix myself which is difficult bc Ive grown accostom to cutting. I like it now, I like looking at it, I like the blood I like evreything about it. I feel like a freak. I dont know what to tell you other then Im glad you understand we all have good and bad days and to not take that bad day as a sign or anything. Just focus on one day at a time and remember a new day is a fresh start.Also about those suicidal thoughts, they are only intrucive thoughts. They mean nothing, they are there not to help you. and you dont want those kinda thoughts so just throw them out the door, also if they get really bad you can get medicine for that. I am on medicine for that . it works. =)

-love-

Re: Lonely
Posted by Alana on Sun Jul 1 18:51:50 2001 (#588)

I'm on meds as well. I'm on effexor for depression and anxiety, and than I'm on an antipsychotic (hello, that was such an insult) to stop all those fucked up thoughts I have. Currently I've run out of them, and am waiting to get an appointment with my doc to get more. All I can say to all of you who are on meds, don't wait to long to get your prescription filled. I know from experience that once you are off your meds, in my case antipsychotics, you get really fucked up and everything starts coming back....and worse. Hang in there Kat, email me sometime, I'd like to get to know you better.

Adios, Alana

Re: Lonely
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 2 00:59:49 2001 (#591)

I'll e-mail you soon. =) I take celexa for depression , god I hate it, it supposed to make you gain 20 pounds of water retainment a month. geez!! It's working too. but Im not as depressed so thats good. Yeah I take the antipsychotics as well, I take seroquel. It works ...somewhat. =)

-love-

Re: Lonely
Posted by Alana on Mon Jul 2 21:46:38 2001 (#598)

I was on Celexa for awhile....but it did the opposite for me, I lost weight! Woo-hoo!

DORIS!!!
Posted by Alana on Sun Jul 1 18:56:36 2001 (#589)

Hey Doris, I just noticed that you've posted! I havent talked to you in the longest time...how are you??? I read a post of yours about your boyfriend...and I know how you feel when he leaves, it feels like this huge part of you has died. OH I KNOW! A guy I was involved with before, just left for college about a week ago....I sometimes want to die. I miss him, he brought so much to my life and now that part of my life is over and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to be near him and cry in his arms. He understands, he use to love me, but now....he's gone forever. Ahhh well, enough about me. Shit, I'm sorry. Subject is now directed back to you. So how are things with you and your boyfriend now? I hope all is well. Post back.

Love, Alana

Re: DORIS!!!
Posted by Doris on Sun Jul 1 23:08:49 2001 (#590)

Alana, honey, it is SO good to keep hearing from you. I understand you're not doing well, but it takes strength to talk about it. And you know we're all here for you to laugh and cry with.

I'm doing pretty well. My boyfriend and I are really happy. I always have doubt, though - that something could happen and I wouldn't have him anymore. He tells me not to doubt it and swears to marry me, but as a devoted Christian I believe the only thing that CAN'T let me down is Him.

I'm sorry that you, too, have lost a loved one. I don't know if I could survive without Tom. God, how scary is that.

Sometimes I feel like crying for no reason at all but I can't cuz then Tom would think it was his fault - and it really isn't. My depression scares him and I don't know how to deal with that.

Anyway, that's my little life.

I love hearing from you. Hey, do me a favor? Next time you get lonely, email me. You can talk about ANYTHING with me, I hope you know that. I just can't stand the fact that you're not doing well. It's just not right. Please email me any time. I'll be praying for you. Stay strong, hun.

Love,

Doris

so be it
Posted by brother on Mon Jul 2 01:42:37 2001 (#592)

AND SO BE IT

Darkness, nothing but rooms full of darkness no light breaks through Sadness, nothing but rooms full of sadness hundred voices inside my head saying” wer’e never leave you”.

Questions to be asked and asked but no answers received once to many times death i have deceived The end is near this time i can’t avoid it there was only one way out and i destroyed it.

Don’t ask how i am so messed up and don’t bother asking why don’t try and find me because i have found a place to hide There be from me no more posts -no more poems raise a glass and toast -the places iv’e been and am going.

I don’t want anybody here to worry you know who you are i’ll be okay i just went over the edge a little to far Maybe i will return but probably i wont i realise some of you might be concerned just don’t.

Yes i am leaving but not on a jet plane i don’t know if i’ll ever understand the word “sane” No tears falling as once again i begin crawling through toxic waste that spills into life’s drains.

I have always been good at being able to quit as i crawl back down to hell i yell so be it So as i face up to all the chances for one reason or another were denied brotherm now hides.

shadows in the night
Posted by brotherm on Mon Jul 2 02:32:04 2001 (#593)

6407.1

I awoke to the sound of somebody crying last night they seemed to be so frightened I got out of bed and looked around the bedroom, bathroom and downstairs the sound of somebody crying just kept getting louder. I looked around but couldn't see anybody why were they crying i thought what could of happened? The tears were so close almost upon me i couldn't escape them i looked outside then went back upstairs.

I turned on all the lights so i could see but there wasn't anybody else there in the house I walked back to my bed as i did i glimpsed in the mirror and realised it was me crying.

Re: shadows in the night
Posted by Doris on Mon Jul 2 04:25:53 2001 (#594)

you're beautiful

Re: shadows in the night
Posted by brotherm on Mon Jul 2 19:39:59 2001 (#597)

thank you

Re: shadows in the night
Posted by Alana on Mon Jul 2 22:43:15 2001 (#600)

Oh my God....where did you find that story? Or did you write it? If you did, thank you sooooo much. I know that feeling. It explains so much. Sometimes I'm just so numb and I don't realize how down I'm feeling and how much I'm crying. I'm speechless about what you wrote....it means so much to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

You seem like a great person, whom I'd like to get to know better. Who are you? How old are you? Where are you from? I want to know everything!!!!

Love, Alana

Re: shadows in the night
Posted by brother on Tue Jul 3 02:34:53 2001 (#605)

thanks, wrote it a while ago... I'm not a nice person just a messed up 25y/r guy from England waiting for death to knock on the door.

Well......
Posted by Alana on Mon Jul 2 21:54:11 2001 (#599)

Well....I went out with that friend last night that I was talking about in my "lonely" post. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. We didn't end up cutting or anything, just talking about how down we both were. I'm jealous of her cuz she's going away to a treatment centre for teenagers with mood disorders, and somehow I think I need something like that. A new beginning, where nobody knows all my shit. But being a treatment centre I'm sure that they'd figure it all out. Awwww, how come I'm not far enough gone to get some help like that, I really think I need it. The fact that I'm not screwed up enough to get some serious help just makes me wanna fuck myself over some more. I've planned to commit suicide in August after my July trip to Ireland. I just have nothing to look forward to after that. So until August, I'll keep writing and telling you how I am. I'll miss you all.

Alana

Re: Well......
Posted by Doris on Mon Jul 2 23:21:13 2001 (#601)

ALANA!!! Don't you dare talk like that!!! You better now leave me, girl! That is so very very unfunny. If you left I don't know what I'd do.

If you want treatment like that, you can admit yourself without a doc saying you need it. I voluntarily looked into hospitalization to keep me from killing myself. If you're that interested, check it out. I'm sure they have great programs wherever you go.

Let me say again, please PLEASE don't leave me!!! Think about the people that love you. Think about Dave and Colin! And me! And the thousands of other people on this world who think you are amazing or will at some point in their lives. The world needs you. Please don't leave. Knowing you're still here gives me so much hope. Please don't kill that hope. Stay strong and live on.

Love much,

Doris

Re: Well......
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 00:45:42 2001 (#602)

Sometimes I wonder about Dave and Colin....not so much dave, just feels like I bug him a bit too much and talk about myself alot of the time. Colin....nuh-uh, that boy has forgotten all about me, I mean nothing to him.

Sorry I've planned this, but I don't have any other options.

Alana

Re: Well......
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 3 06:58:10 2001 (#621)

Alana dear. I've made plans b4 myself. We are not governed by plans. you get to go to Ireland. It sounds wonderful. Live each day for itself.

I haven't told this to anyone, but I want a plan. having a plan doesn't mean we have to use it. But sometimes I just want one because maybe a bad day is coming and I will decide to use it. Do you understand.

It just won't go away
Posted by aLaNa on Tue Jul 3 00:54:21 2001 (#603)

This pain I feel, everyday, every second....it just won't leave me. Maybe I've gotten so use to it that I can't see myself living without it, therefore I won't let myself get any better. Awwwww guys, I don't know what to do. I haven't hurt myself in 3 weeks, and I feel like a time bomb, going to explode any minute now and give in to that urge. The longer I go without cutting, the more I just want to DIE! Death is the only answer! How I love death.....it's sooooo...oh I don't know....comfortable.

Until I meet death in August.....I'm already dead.

Re: It just won't go away
Posted by brotherm on Tue Jul 3 02:59:30 2001 (#607)

i couldn't of explained my life any better, might sound weird but my pain is my best friend at least its always there. As for death iv'e been to hell and back so many times i'm on first name terms with everybody there..

Re: It just won't go away
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 03:12:59 2001 (#610)

Pain is our best friend because we don't know what life it like without it...or at least I can't remember, I was only a kid. I really wish I could live without pain, but it just doesn't seem right, its not me! I'm always being told to be proud of who I am, and pain is a huge part of me.....so why should I change that. I just don't understand life. I never will. Whats the point if I just keep getting hurt by it all? Thank you for replying, it gets lonely here with nobody listening. Thanks xoxoxox

I only scar myself on the outside to match the slashes on the inside. Maybe they'll notice...... Alana

Re: It just won't go away
Posted by brotherm on Tue Jul 3 04:31:30 2001 (#611)

strange that your thoughts seem so close to mine...I'm always around i don't sleep much

Re: It just won't go away
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 05:11:39 2001 (#614)

Look, here's the thing...I can't come to this board much because my parents have blocked it due to some stuff that went on here a few months ago. I'm only posting now because I'm babysitting, soooooo I can get on this site :^)! I won't be able to post here very much for the next few weeks so please email me and tell me who you are....the suspense is killing me inside, not that I feel alive. I check my email everyday and respond, so that would be a better way of talking! And get some sleep!!

Love very much, Alana

life ain't over(but i'm dead inside)
Posted by brotherm on Tue Jul 3 02:24:16 2001 (#604)

What have you got if you haven’t any pride? i know my life ain’t over yet but i do know i am already dead inside What do you need if you don’t need a life? i know that i am burning up inside but i feel as cold as ice.

What on earth have you got if all your truths are lies? i know my life ain’t over but i feel so dead inside This summer is a bummer i which it was gone all my rights and my fights are always deemed as wrong.

The winter like a splinter it can hurt leaving you numb inside that’s when sorrow lurks What can you say when your words seem complicated? what is the point in being loved when it’s a lot easier being hated?

What have you heard if not even more lies? i was alive some time ago i know that but now i am dead inside This nightmare isn’t over yet there hasn’t been another upsets or regrets the punishment has to fit the crime and i am going to suffer through my mind.

Re: life ain't over(but i'm dead inside)
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 03:06:07 2001 (#608)

You really have some beautiful things to say, ya know! I just wanted to mention though, that its easier to love you than hate you. I don't even know you, I only read what your soul has to say, which I think is a deeper connection than I've had with some of my closest friends. So I do love you, thats easy. Keep posting, and email me!

Love, Alana

cost of the 3 ride
Posted by brotherm on Tue Jul 3 02:40:21 2001 (#606)

I am lost in a crowd with no way of getting out i tried yelling and calling for help but people only fell about Laughing and cursing at me unaware of how i was feeling inside it was then i realised i was paying the cost of the free ride.

Some days i just want to wake myself to see the world just for once to see the sun rising from the other side Some days i hide away from everything including my own shadow i guess this is the cost of the free ride.

I am always looking for the reasons to justify my insanity even though it is only one step away from being reality But for me it’s a giant step not for all mankind or the great divide i can’t keep paying out the cost of the free ride.

Some days i sit and write about the beauty found in the sun and stars and even compliment myself on progressing so far On the lonely road of words where they are written and not heard the cost of the free ride has left me singing like a mute bird.

Re: cost of the 3 ride
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 03:07:57 2001 (#609)

Awww...that was amazing. Man, do I ever want to know you!

aLaNa

Re: cost of the 3 ride
Posted by brotherm on Tue Jul 3 04:47:52 2001 (#612)

lol even i don't want to know me!!!

Re: cost of the 3 ride
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 05:07:00 2001 (#613)

Well I do, so email me and tell me all about you! Ok? OK! I don't like how down you are on yourself...you seem beautiful to me :^)

sarcasm
Posted by brotherm on Tue Jul 3 05:13:49 2001 (#615)

In the trash i have thrown all my sorrows now i start anew with 456 better tomorrows I’m going to ride the smooth over the rough question:is this happy enough?.

I’m going to wake every morning feeling refreshed and get through the day with a smile no more feeling depressed The feelings of hate that i had shall be replaced with love question:is this happy enough?.

And when the sun fades and dsarkness fills the sky i will say thank you for the day given to me.

I will join in with the birds when they sing their songs and send all my problems and worries to hell where they belong No drink and no drugs i no longer need to take any of that stuff question:is this happy enough?.

I will no longer go out dancing with danger or treat life as if it were a stranger I can’t wait to see each sunrise and sun set in the sky above question:is this happy enough?.

life is a bulldozer
Posted by brotherm on Tue Jul 3 05:17:58 2001 (#616)

I wish i was a bird then with my wings i would fly so high Nobody could touch me i would be free

and i would never come down. Nowadays im an uneven road going nowhere and life is a bulldozer trying to flatten me

The pain inside of me doubles every day i cant find the answers i need and everything looks uncertain . Believe in the stars, dreams and yourself that's what most folks say But there's no belief when your a failure of life i cant compete with the opposition i only want to be accepted I am what i am that is all.

Why cant i be that bird and climb up to the sky? Spreading my wings and flying to freedom i would no longer hear any sarcasm is there only happiness in loneliness?.

Re: life is a bulldozer
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 05:24:07 2001 (#617)

I think I have run out of things to say about your posts. YOu talk about being accepted, and let me tell you that you've come to the right place.....I accept and like you for who you are. Nothing more to ask of you than to just be you. You questioned if there was only happiness in loneliness....I would say "uhhh no"! Sorry you had to hear my sarcasm. I'm lonely and not happy. Are you happy to be lonely?

Alana xoxo

Re: life is a bulldozer
Posted by brotherm on Tue Jul 3 05:32:06 2001 (#619)

Kinda awkward question to answer i wouldn't say i'm happy but i don't like putting my grief on others i bottle it up inside so i guess being lonely is an option.

I'll be gone for awhile...
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 05:28:39 2001 (#618)

Hey everyone,

Sorry for taking up so much room on the board today...just having a bad time. Anyways, I'm going home soon, so I won't be able to post for awhile, until I babysit again. If anyone ever needs to talk just send me an email, and I also have msn messenger.....I feel like a complete retard right now, like any of you will really give a shit if I'm here or not. I'm just a waste of space.

Maybe I'll be back, Alana

Re: I'll be gone for awhile...
Posted by brotherm on Tue Jul 3 05:35:52 2001 (#620)

i would care and so would others your not a waste of space ok?

Re: I'll be gone for awhile...
Posted by Doris on Tue Jul 3 17:47:29 2001 (#622)

Sweety, that hurts. You know I love you. Come back soon.

hey
Posted by Alana on Wed Jul 4 23:02:55 2001 (#627)

hey guys, still here....how's it going? What's new?

Love, Alana

Re: hey
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 5 00:54:30 2001 (#628)

I am still here. hope you had a good 4th. It is still light outside here in Oregon, 4:50 PM on the 4th. the way the time zones go it seems a lifetime before someone responds to our messages.

My email address is always posted so email me if you need someone. Love Dawn

Re: hey
Posted by Doris on Thu Jul 5 18:26:12 2001 (#630)

Alana, honey. It's so good to hear from you. Nothing going on with me except for the constant worrying about you. Please stay strong and know how loved you are.

Doris

Re: hey
Posted by Doris how are YOU on Fri Jul 6 00:06:07 2001 (#632)

boyfriend still away?

Re: hey
Posted by Doris on Fri Jul 6 01:29:29 2001 (#633)

No, he's been back. Things are good except for the fact that I'm here all alone all day long while he's working. He comes back really late from work and he usually goes right on the computer to play this STUPID computer role-playing game. Sometimes I think he'd rather do that then spend time with me. Other than that, out relationship is perfect. I think I'll be okay when classes start in fall. I just hate being bored - we all know how dangerous that is.

Thanks for asking, whoever you are! :)

Loves much,

Doris

scene of confusion poem
Posted by brother on Thu Jul 5 03:45:37 2001 (#629)

When i found myself lying still on the bed i found myself falling to the floor weeping I managed to get to my feet and pull myself together and began to shake myself to see if i was only sleeping.

But i couldn’t wake myself up i didn’t know what to say or do I simply stood there over my bed saying over and over again to myself “It can’t be true”.

I walked across the room and switched on the light and then i saw the empty pill bottle Maybe i dropped the bottle and the tablets fell to the floor if i had the strength then my own throat i would surely throttle.

I tried to telephone the hospital but it was engaged so i decided that i would make myself comfortable So i dressed myself in clean clothes and washed my hands and face and then i corrected all the spelling mistakes in my suicide note.

When my tears had finally dried up and with the approaching dawn I covered my body in gasoline and sat and watched as my ashes scattered across the back lawn.

Re: scene of confusion poem
Posted by Doris on Thu Jul 5 18:27:44 2001 (#631)

God, that was sad. But very beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.

Re: scene of confusion poem
Posted by brother m on Fri Jul 6 16:25:13 2001 (#634)

thank you for reading it means it a lot

My mind is gone, Never to return
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 8 16:40:33 2001 (#635)

Hello, I posted a message on the SI board as well..concerning this issue a bit. I have no sence of reality. While I type this I feel as though someone else is typing the words that you are reading are not the words I am thinking. I dont know where they are coming from, but they are appearing before my eyes. Maybe Im trying to cry out for help, although I understand that help from another human being is completely worthless. Like my life, I have nothing to live for. Not a thing. You think Im wrong, you think Im lying..I am not. Tears mean nothing, sadness joy pain. fuck that! They mean nothing to me anymore. No point in crying, no point in living!

-Where are you god!!!!!?-

change
Posted by brother on Mon Jul 9 01:38:49 2001 (#636)

The fear of change can rearrange the goings on in ones mind from time to time, Whether i want it or think i could achieve it can't change the fact it's harder to go for it than leave it.

I would like to be a better person in mind and spirit with no holds barred pushing everything to the limit When i am down in the dumps and ready to jump of a cliff because tomorrows a stiff opposition that leaves only one decision, Do i want to change?.

Do i ant to change into a better person hols not afraid to talk and can walk with his head held high, And truly can say he does his best to try and if he fails say what the hell for it doesn't matter things can only get better with a little change.

Some say that change is easy but i say that its hard cos i go through each day always putting up my guard To stop people finding out the real me inside so i hide from the truth that i’ve been failing since my youth And that the once quiet shy guy is now a raging riot ready to die so very slowly with pain so unholy like a lost ghost who at the very most would lose the right to choose to change.

To change would be to strange because i would become the person from who i have always run A person who could be successful in a career and hold life dear to his heart and thats a start of changing and rearranging a life that is in turmoil ready to be six feet under the soil instead of being a person who enjoys socialising and finds its easy memorising what he did yesterday so all thats left to say is can change be worth it?.

suicidal love poem
Posted by brother m on Mon Jul 9 01:41:48 2001 (#637)

suicide i love you come take me come break me suicide im yours.

suicide its written your the forbidden fruit ive bitten suicide i know its wrong take me on a journey hard and long.

suicide i love you you control me thoughts of you console me suicide im yours

suicide i love you your are my true desire the thought of you set my heart on fire suicide show me the other side of pain slice me, dice me again and again

suicide you betrayed me i wanted you to enslave me suicide you are no longer close thoughts of you faded like a ghost

i'm outta here
Posted by brother m on Mon Jul 9 02:02:05 2001 (#638)

razor blades blunt and rusty!!!!!

Re: i'm outta here
Posted by Doris on Mon Jul 9 05:23:37 2001 (#639)

You better not be leaving us, boy. You have so much beauty to offer this world - even if you can't see it now. Please don't leave. We love you. Stay strong.

Doris

Re: i'm outta here
Posted by Alana on Mon Jul 9 16:21:05 2001 (#640)

OH my god, I feel so terrible. Rae emailed me saying that he'd be gone for awhile or longer and I didn't even think that it could have anything to do with suicide. Please Rae if you are reading this, don't do anything, I don't think I could survive one day knowing that I couldn't do anything to stop this. PLEASE email me and tell me that you are okay. Awww man, I'm so sorry. Please please please tell us you're ok.

Love, Alana

brother m
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 15:23:48 2001 (#652)

believe me when I say, I care.

ending...
Posted by charlottte on Tue Jul 10 03:30:23 2001 (#641)

jesus fucking christ why am i so alone? ive never been so alone as i am now, dying and rotting in my scarred skin. i wish i had someone, something. i am so pathetic i seethe with it. i cant even put into words what i feel, because i cant feel at all. i am completely immune to emotions. am i really as alone as i imagine?

Re: ending...
Posted by Doris on Tue Jul 10 17:27:05 2001 (#644)

You are not alone. By posting here you have become my friend. I know I don't know you, but because you're going through what I went through, I love you and I'll always be here for you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please be strong enough to wait for it. Email me anytime. Love much.

Doris

Re: ending...
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 10 23:50:22 2001 (#646)

You just put into words exactly how I feel sometimes. If ever you feel alone and need to talk, email me, I'd be happy to be with you instead of us both being alone and numb.

Love, aLaNa

charlotte
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 15:27:41 2001 (#653)

Miss charlotte..Dear Lord, please listen to me. We all are here for you..your not alone, truth is your never alone, even if you were desserted on an island 5 billion miles from nowhere with no one you would still not be alllllll alone. God is there with you..and Im sure like me you struggle within your mind whats right whats wrong. Why am I so fucking alone. dont worry...

-love-