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Threads 176 to 200

last poem the angel
Posted by brotherm on Tue Jul 10 04:21:02 2001 (#642)

take care everyone

The dark night it was so very bright I saw the eternal light when the angel took my hand.

I saw up close and personal the stars and the sun i felt the heart beats of everyone And my sins were reduced to none when the angel took my hand.

I was told there was no need to cry that although i had died A part of me would always remain alive and i felt a warmth while the angel was at my side.

Now every new day seems so pure and clear i am no longer full of emotions such as sadness and fear All my problems and worries have all disappeared as the angel takes my hand.

Re: last poem the angel
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 10 17:23:44 2001 (#643)

I don't know what to think. I'm so worried. You told me that you were ok.....why are you doing this?

love very much, Alana

Re: last poem the angel
Posted by bm on Tue Jul 10 20:35:08 2001 (#645)

i write sad poems all the time just me being me, Don't worry

Doris....I'm completely useless!
Posted by black rose on Wed Jul 11 20:17:40 2001 (#647)

I've really been thinking and I don't know what to do about myself...the only thing I can come up w/is death! so I guess it's the only way out for me! Sense is something I can't make of ne thing...it's driving me completely nuts! I guess I need more help than can be provided! I was right to think razors would be the death of me...cuz that's what I have next to me and slitting my wrists is all I can think of..besides slitting my jugular! So I guess this is the end of me! I'm sry Doris! I've missed u soo much! I'm sry about not writing that much I didn't mean to not write!

<3 always and4ever, Christine

Re: Doris....I'm completely useless!
Posted by Doris on Wed Jul 11 22:03:40 2001 (#648)

Christine!!!

Please don't talk like that! You are NOT useless! You are my friend and I love you! Death is NOT the only way out, hun! You know that just as well as I do. I know how strong you are, please don't give up! And you CAN'T give up!! My boyfriend and I set a date for our wedding (in three years) and I want you to be there!!! So you can't give up on me. Please, honey, be patient and be strong - this will end. It always does. Please don't do anything you'll regret. You know how much I'd miss you!!! :*( Stay strong!!! I'm sorry I haven't written to you much lately either - so much going on. But please email me if you need to talk. Don't give up!!!

Love

Doris

Christine
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 15:32:29 2001 (#654)

Christine..sweetheart. You don't even know how you have helped me by posting such cheerful loving replies. Someone with a heart as big as yours definently has something to give back to the world.Not only do we want you here, we need you here babe! thats the truth! believe me...hang in there, be tough, fight those bad feelings. =)

-love-

"and the fever called living is conquered at
Posted by charlottte on Thu Jul 12 05:38:12 2001 (#649)

i wrote this, but i dont know if its any good

left here with my insanity my misery, splattered on the wall crumpled in a heap of blasphemy i feel just like a broken doll

feeling is gone far away theres nothing but the numb i think this all should end today just go back where i came from

im so goddamn sick of you and the judgement in your ways if only you felt this way to you too would want to end your days

Re: "and the fever called living is conquered
Posted by Doris on Thu Jul 12 06:50:11 2001 (#650)

It's beautiful. Sad, but beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with us. Keep on writing - it's a good form of release. Stay strong, charlotte.

Doris

I tasted death last night
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 12 15:19:19 2001 (#651)

I have tried to kill myself before, I was very close to dying if it wasn't for the loved ones around me who cared enough to take my bloody unconcious body to the emergency room. Its been about a month since the last "accident". Everyone says Im getting better, but oh Im not!! Im reallly not..I cut still and burn sometimes. And I can smell death around me , I can feel it coming on..I take medicine everymonring and every night. I dumped out alll my pills last night and struggled with myself..should I take 3 like Im supposed to or should I take 30, the amount in front of me. At the end of the struggle I took 5, not what I was supposed to but not enough to stop my heart. God help me....

Re: I tasted death last night
Posted by Doris on Thu Jul 12 20:57:18 2001 (#655)

KAT,

You are so very important to everyone here on this board. You can't leave us. I know how tempting a bottle of pills can be... but I'm asking (and praying) that you'll fight it and find the strength within you to go on.

You seem to be a religious person, so let me say one thing. You said you could feel, and smell, death around you. I'm sure you know that's the presence of the Devil and his tempting you. I used to have those "episodes" and a good friend told me to say the name of the Lord out loud. He said the Devil can't be anywhere where the name of the Lord is. So, try that next time. It may sound silly, but it has helped me more than a few times. Keep on believing... He'll take care of you.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: I tasted death last night
Posted by *star* on Tue Aug 21 11:11:57 2001 (#773)

I know none of you know me on here its just i read your post and i couldnt see the keys im typing with through my tears, it must be difficult and what a temptation but the Lord is with you when his name is spoken the devil MUST go, as Doris said so keep that faith in your heart He will protect you. Take care and God bless you (*)

.*Sad*.
Posted by BloodyWristGirl on Fri Jul 13 19:25:53 2001 (#656)

Maaybe if i werent such a loser i would have more of a life, is what goes throughmy mind....then i realize i do have a life...and what the fuck is wrong with me....why do i always feel so sad and alone....i will never know what has been wrong with my mind for these 19 years of being here.....

Re: .*Sad*.
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 13 19:45:10 2001 (#657)

Are you on any medicines?? If not I think you should try some, they help most of the time. Look at the positive not the negative. =)

It's hard not seeing your faces
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 13 19:51:53 2001 (#658)

Yes..I know this is simply a message board but I am wondering about those of you who do not attend this board anymore..have you recovered and gone on with your life..have you just stopped coming...have you...died. It saddness me to think of what horrible things could of possibly happened to you sweet people. I'll pray that we are all okay. take care =)

you will get better
Posted by Dharma Wild on Sat Jul 14 08:30:56 2001 (#659)

a new day will come, and you will find out just how amazing and beautiful you really are. this is not healthy. I am a former cutter, and I am very happy I stopped. Im scarred for life now and people see me on the street and make judgements at me, they laugh at me and point. little kits want to know what happened to me, and I just want to let you know that when you do get better, your going to be ashamed of these scars, your not going to want them on the internet. and looking at this shit isn't helping you. reading how to be bulimic, how to hurt yourself, this is shit dont do it. get away from this filth and get back to life, get better. little children are reading this and thinking its okay, and you know what? its not okay. you need to take care of yourself, and this is not the way. and I know its hard and no one wants to do it, but you have to. trust me, I know, I know how good it feels when you cut, but you know what else feels good? helping people, art, dancing, being with freinds, so many things. you can email me, Im here to help, I dont care if I dont know you, you can talk to me, Ill be your freind, just put the razor down.

Dharma Wild and everyone else..Read this. Please
Posted by CONCERNED KAT on Sat Jul 14 15:12:52 2001 (#660)

..Dharma wild..I hear that you want us to get better and you want to help us by all means possible. But do you think this it help..you coming here telling us our only place to put out our feelings and secrets we've been hiding for so long , put them out in the open and talk about them with people who understand and wont criticize, your telling us to leave here.its a bad place. I dont understand that. This is one of my very few safe places I can turn to when I feel like cutting and slicing my throat open. People do not learn how to be bulemic or a cutter..they do not learn that here or anywhere that I know of. Everyone can choose wich posts they read, if they think one will be triggering then they can simply not read it, or just lend a helping hand. Please re-consider your statements, we all handle things differently, and this is the way we handle things. and you too handled it this way for a while..but your better now. Congratulations..that tells me there is hope in getting better from all this shit. Why are you against this place that is here to help us..just like you are..I dont understand this. Please..take care.

Re: Dharma Wild and everyone else..Read this. Plea
Posted by Doris on Sun Jul 15 01:08:13 2001 (#661)

I agree with Dharma on this one. I quit cutting about six months ago and I am so incredibly ashamed of my scars. I had to leave the Self Injury board here a couple months ago because it was too triggering. My boyfriend doesn't like that I come here either. I completely agree that this a place - the only place for some people - to share their suicidal thoughts and know, without a doubt, that they are loved unconditionally and NEVER judged. But these boards are not always a place to help you get better. Talking about your problems is a great way to get them off your chest - but it's important that you don't dwell in them - or you will begin to love your problems and have no desire to get better. I agree with Dharma - I truly believe that everyone here will be happy one day - free of cutting, fear, and sadness.

I'm not trying to start a fight here - not even close to it. Everyone here knows I love them with all my heart. I'm just saying be careful. These boards are great if you can use them properly - it sounds incredibly silly, but the Self Injury board became very dangerous to me.

My prayers and love to everyone,

Doris

nobody listens so i'll write here
Posted by bm on Tue Jul 17 03:56:49 2001 (#662)

darkness, illusions and false pride stir within the devil inside i tried to run, i try to hide i am only me...my name is suicide.

Re: nobody listens so i'll write here
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 17 05:15:54 2001 (#663)

I liked how that was written. keep posting..this suicide boards been kinda "dead". No pun intended, I dont know whether to be happy or cry..I dont know if people arent posting bc they are getting better or bc they have gotten worse...Oh well..chance you take. take care everyone! -love-

Re: nobody listens so i'll write here
Posted by black rose on Wed Jul 18 03:06:12 2001 (#665)

u ok??? u wanna talk?? if u want to just IM or e-mail me...my sn is twistedpsycho13@Aol.com ....don't let the name throw u off! *hugs* Christine

Im dead
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 17 17:45:05 2001 (#664)

.

Re: Im dead
Posted by black rose on Wed Jul 18 03:07:49 2001 (#666)

KAT, r u ok??? please e-mail me hun!!! PLEASE!!! talk about it w/me! *hugs*

bARBARA?
Posted by Doris on Thu Jul 19 18:55:40 2001 (#667)

Hey,

Why haven't you been posting, hun? I miss you tons. How are you? How's good 'ol life treating you? I'd love to hear from you!

Doris

KAT
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 21 18:11:17 2001 (#668)

Not like anyone is wondering, but I havent heard from any of you in a while, dont know if thats good or bad, I hope good. Im here to tell ya that Im alright for now, things are being worked out in therapy...hope your all okay. Post here if wanna say your ok cuz I really like to hear that. love =)

Re: KAT
Posted by BrotherM on Sat Jul 21 21:24:16 2001 (#669)

glad your ok

take care of yourself.

Re: KAT
Posted by Doris on Mon Jul 23 05:20:23 2001 (#675)

Hi KAT,

I'm really glad that you're doing okay. I'm okay too. :)

Love and hugs

Doris

lonely in this...
Posted by Ali on Sat Jul 21 23:25:37 2001 (#670)

Hi,

I'm a liitle scared writing this, and feel kind of stupid for being so weak and not being able to cope with my own feelings. I'm finding things so hard right now. I have suffered from purging anorexia for the last five years, and things are becoming too much for me now. Every single night I'm kept awake by things going around and around in my head, telling myself that I don't deserve to be alive anymore, that I'm the biggest failure on this planet, and that the world and everyone in it would be a better place without me in it. I'm too scared to tell anyone else how I am feeling, as I am on my last chance before being admitted to hospital, due to previous suicide attempts. I'm scared as I know that deep down I don't want to die, or to hurt the people around me who I have been hurting for so long now. It's just sometimes I lose control of logic thinking and when this happens I'm not afraid to die. My eating has been terrible this past two weeks, and I'm finding the gain in weight extremely hard to cope with. I can't understand why I have these feelings that tell me I deserve to die, it's just so hard sometimes to think of a reason to stay alive. I wish every night that I won't wake up the next day. I wish I didn't feel this way, I want to be a happy 17yr old girl, who doesn't have a worry in the world...but instead I'm full of hate for myself, and I see no way out. I hate to pour all this onto other people as I know everyone has their own problems and they shouldn't have to listen to how pathetic I am, sorry.

Thankyou for taking the time to read this, although I've probably only depressed someone else.

Take care, love Ali xxx

Re: lonely in this...
Posted by jes on Sun Jul 22 01:20:52 2001 (#671)

i feel the same sometimes too, well, actually, a bigger part of my life is spent feeling this way than not. i dont mean the anorexia, idont eat because the thought of it makes me feel ill or im just too depressed to feel hungry, or for that matter, i eat everything in sight. but i do feel that i dont deserve to live and all the rest and ive lost count of how many times ive come sooo close to actually doing it, but not because my friends (who r the only ones who know) have managed to make me feel sufficiently guilty about it. and sometimes, i hate them for it, i know i shouldnt but i do, i cant help it, i wish theyd just leave me alone because i know that in the end itll be a whole lot easier for them because they wont have my constant depression haning over them when im around. but the problem is that every so often, i come out of my little world and think every thing is just fine and i then feel guilty for hating my friends or even think ing about doing it. then i finish with that phase after about2/3 weeks and i still fell happyish, but i know im gonna sink down again so i still want to end it b4 i go back down that low again because it is one of the worst feelings in the world, its suffocating. its confusing. its depressing. i dunno the point of this, not much help really, i guess i just wanted to get it off my (virtual) chest cos some of the stuff u said struck a chord. be safe, love jes P.S its no problem reading something that makes u feel that ur not on ur own

Re: lonely in this...
Posted by Emma on Tue Jul 31 23:35:50 2001 (#709)

I know how ur feeling all of you, if i can i'd love to TALK and maybe try to help? if thats possible? Love Emm xxx

Re: lonely in this...to jes
Posted by *star* on Sat Aug 18 10:28:14 2001 (#758)

Hi jes, Well i didnt realise you posted on this bit as well so i had to do some catching up, firstly i dont understand why you hate me for keeping you alive and if its because i make you feel guilty then i think that is good as i think that if there is anyway to stop you then im gonna do it no matter how much angrinessa nd arguments and pain it causes as i think your life is worth a lot more than that, also i know it sounds prehaps wierd and if you think im being preachy im not but have you ever tyhought if you killed yourself where would you go? would it automatically make it all better? i just wondered a little train of thought i was having i dont know how your beleifs are(we havent talked in so long i dont remember) but it was just something i was thinkingearlier and as for the hateing me sometimes thing.. oh well at least it helps s the more i say the more youi dont kill yourself and thats all care they say you have to be cruel to be kind sometimes i can deal with you hating me sometimes as long as you are here. All my love for now and forever *star* xxx

Re: Welcome
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 22 04:03:59 2001 (#674)

Dont be afraid sweetie, we've all been down similar paths, they are frightening but with the help of others we can overcome and survive this crap!! take care -love-

Re: lonely in this...
Posted by Doris on Mon Jul 23 05:24:55 2001 (#676)

Welcome Ali,

This isn't the Ali that emailed me a few times, is it? Just curious. About your story, I don't know about anorexia, but I know how it feels to wish you don't wake up the next day - and to be miserable because you woke up that day. I used to feel that way, and now I don't. I found my soulmate and he gave me a reason to wake up. I tell you this to give you hope. Please stay strong and stay alive for the possibilities life can offer.

Love and strength,

Doris

hey
Posted by jes on Sun Jul 22 01:38:38 2001 (#672)

hey, just found this place and think its great. it helps to be able to talk about these tings without being judged. maybe now i can express my feelings thru this sometimes instead of drawing blood all of the time. i know my friends care but sometmes i wish they didnt cos itd make it a whole lot easier if they didnt make me feel so goddamn guilty. when im down it makes me hate them for keeping me alive. probably EXTREMELY wrong, but thats the way it is

Re: hey
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 22 03:10:41 2001 (#673)

welcome sweetheart, feel at home, leave all your bad thoughts here. =) take care

Re: hey
Posted by Doris on Mon Jul 23 05:29:11 2001 (#677)

When I read your post it sounded like something I would have written six months ago. I used to hate my friends for caring and for loving me. I was so bitter that I was alive for them and not myself. I know how it would feel so much better if no one gave a damn, then you could leave and no one would notice.

BUT, I'm writing to tell you that I care about you. I know, I suck. :) But posting here makes you my friend and I love you. And now you can't leave because I would miss you. I would. Those feelings can change - they changed for me. Please stay strong and always post here when you want love and support. God speed.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: hey
Posted by Emma on Tue Jul 31 23:41:50 2001 (#710)

I can understand this, i know that a friend of mine hates me for the help i try and provide, i just wish sometimes that she could see that i find it easier to help others than believe i may actually have a problem myself. Sounds weird i know, but its true if people see me as the helper* who helps people and doesnt feel her own emotions or let them vent out, then they wont see me as the type of person who would cut. i know people see me like that God Bless you all, and if anyone wants to chat? Love Emma xxxxx

Thankyou...and a question if I may..
Posted by Ali on Mon Jul 23 21:53:06 2001 (#678)

Hi,

I would like to say thankyou to those who replied to my post, it helped me to get some of those feelings out of my head...and also made me realise that there are other people who feel the same way that I do about life.

I'd like to ask a question, I was wondering if anyone else ever felt so much calmer, or a better word would be 'safer' if they had tablets with them? I know that this probably sounds insane of me, but sometimes it's as if I can't let my mind rest from thoughts of suicide unless there is easy access to tablets, just so I know they are there if I need them. You will all probably think I am crazy - maybe I am?!, but I was just wondering if there was anyone else?

Well, thanks once again...

Take care, love Ali xxx

PS - Doris, I must be a different Ali to the one that has emailed you:o)

Re: Thankyou...and a question if I may..
Posted by Doris on Mon Jul 23 23:43:39 2001 (#679)

Hey Ali

Thanks for answering me - I was just curious. I wanted to say that when I used to cut I would feel better when I had a razor around. One time my friends hid my razor without telling me and I didn't even want to cut, but I went insane. I know how that feels - the comfort of knowing that you can if you want to. I've always had pills around just in case, too. You're not alone, Ali. You'll find that we're all really alike here. It's great. :) I'm glad you came back - some people don't. Keep on posting.

Love and strength,

Doris

Thankyou...
Posted by Ali on Tue Jul 24 15:49:35 2001 (#682)

Doris Hi,

Thanks for replying so soon, I was very relieved when I read your post - I was beginning to feel a little alone on that one. I had to go to my therapy yesterday (for my eating disorder), and my therapist is going on holiday so I won't see her and I explained how worried I was about getting my exam results...so she's worried about leaving me alone - as my parents are away too....she said it's not a good idea for me to have tablets in the house, and thats when I tried to explain to her about feeling safer with them. That's the reason for me asking if anyone was the same. She explained that because of the last time I took the OD, I have no control over it - which maybe true I don't know (I know I didn't last time but..), and that part of the anorexia is telling me that I should....

Anyway, I won't go on about it. Thanks once again, you have been a great help.

Take care, much love, Ali xxx

Re: Thankyou...
Posted by Doris on Tue Jul 24 19:27:11 2001 (#683)

Hi Ali,

I just wanted to say one thing. I think it is so awesome that you're in therapy and it sounds like you have a good relationship with your therapist. A lot of people never try therapy and I worry about them so much. I'm really glad that you've sought help. It goes to show how strong a person you are. I just wanted to mention that. :) Take care.

Doris

Re: Thankyou...
Posted by jes on Sun Jul 29 22:13:54 2001 (#696)

hey, i know im re-joining the 'conversation' a bit late but i just wanted to say that i get that too. About the feling safer thing, i think it is juust the fact that u coud if u wanted to. this one time i decided id stop cutting and threw my blade away and (i keep one in myy purse) when i went to this weeding, for some reason i really freaked out because i couldnt do it like, NOW, and i really freaked out and i was having this like panic attack and it was really wierd (this is at the reception bit). my friends thought i was trying to ruin the wedding. i forget what the point of this was now, oh, yeah, so ur not alone, i just wanted u to know that. love jes p.s., i know its crap, sorry

Re: Thankyou...
Posted by Emma on Tue Jul 31 23:44:36 2001 (#711)

I know your pain, i just wish u'd try and talk about it. i dont think u'd ruined the wedding i just thought u didnt care...

yay for me......
Posted by BloodyWristGirl on Tue Jul 24 03:30:41 2001 (#680)

I have have been through complete hell for a portion of my life.......i dont know why....its been for a couple years...and i cut myslef bad ....and this last 2 months i was in complete numbness...and i didnt pick up and sharp objects to slice away at my skin...i dont know weather i should congradulate myself or what....a part of me thinks im nuts that i do it anyway and why should i congradulate myself for not doing that anyway i shouldnt be doing that in the first place....and another part of me is so very happy.......but i dont know...its differant to look down and not see blood...or scabs or scars...the feeling of people not looking at me starnge because they see my scars, makes me feel human again...i am not saying that i have offiacally stopped because i still have those sudden urges to reach for a razor or anything with a sharp edge and start cutting away.......that will always be in me..i dont even know why i am typing all this...you all will probabaly think this hit that im writing is irrelevent....

The girl in the darkness, in the corner so cold, is wondering why she's alive, if her heart feels so old, She cant see smiles, and she cant feel love, her time isnt worthwhile, shes not wanted above, When she opens her mouth to speak, shes yelled at, or shes beat, and she tries to protect herself but shes to weak.....

Re: yay for me......
Posted by Doris on Tue Jul 24 07:16:54 2001 (#681)

You should congratulate yourself. I congratulate you! It's a huge step to know that you can survive without it. We all slip from time to time - we're only human. But going without it is a huge step to healing yourself inside and out. And I know how good it feels to watch those scars heal. Keep it up!

Love and strength,

Doris

just thought
Posted by brotherm on Wed Jul 25 02:31:21 2001 (#684)

just thought i'd tell anybody interested i'm going to hospital 2morrow. Thanks for putting up with me.

Re: just thought
Posted by black rose on Wed Jul 25 04:58:27 2001 (#685)

Y? what happened? what's going on? please tell me! I'm here for u!

Re: just thought
Posted by Doris on Thu Jul 26 17:13:35 2001 (#690)

God speed.

I'm in Ireland!
Posted by Alana..your fave..ya right on Wed Jul 25 17:48:03 2001 (#686)

Well you can just fuck Canada cuz I'm never going back...no no joke. Why hello everyone, how are you all? WOW, there are so many people on the board that I don't know. Well then...I'm Alana, 17, suicidal, self injurer, yadda yadda yadda! So ya, I've been in Ireland for about a week now (not the first time, but my fave so far) and I am so not living in Canada anymore. Despite the fact that things are really expensive here, I've decided that after I finish school in a year I'm packing up and moving on over here. GUYS....I finally found a place where I feel I belong and am not ashamed of who I am and what I've gone through. I BELONG! Since I've been here I have not once thought about cutting myself, burning, or suicide! Ohhhh, its been so long since I've been free of all the sadness and crap I feel at home. All I feel here is happiness.

Cheers, Alana

Re: I'm in Ireland!
Posted by Doris on Wed Jul 25 22:08:30 2001 (#687)

Alana, honey, your post almost brought me to tears. I am so incredibly exstatic that you are happy. It's about fucking time, hun. :) You deserve all the happiness this world has to give. I am so happy for you and will be praying that this keeps up. Love you, hun!

Doris

Re: I'm in Ireland!
Posted by Alana on Thu Jul 26 13:43:10 2001 (#688)

I jumped to conclusions to fast.....depression has quickly taken over me again. I feel like complete crap today and will end up cutting it out of me tonight. What do I care, its cold here so that means long sleeves for me! I can cut all the hell I want and nobody will know a thing.

Re: I'm in Ireland!
Posted by Doris on Thu Jul 26 17:12:31 2001 (#689)

Oh, Alana. Whatever you do, please stay safe. I love you, hun.

final choice
Posted by brother on Sun Jul 29 18:59:45 2001 (#693)

No more idol frets or promises to break Disappointment from life is all i get this final choice is now mine to make.

I guess i am guilty of sinning my sin was in being born I am good at losing but not winning and i am tired of seeing the Dawn.

No tears, Nobody will cry my spirit it wants to fly Maybe its wrong to live when i want death so bad i know i can never re-capture the fun i had.

No more will i say i am leaving then in a few days return for an eternity my soul shall burn It was good while it lasted Life is food but i always fasted.

i can’t forget the pain and can’t remember the laughter this fairy tale has no happy ever after

Re: final choice
Posted by black rose on Sun Jul 29 19:11:41 2001 (#694)

I like the poem...but u gotta talk to me! k? please! *hugs* Christine

Re: final choice
Posted by brother on Sun Jul 29 19:31:37 2001 (#695)

K...I'm talking

Re: final choice
Posted by Doris on Mon Jul 30 07:37:35 2001 (#699)

Weren't you in the hospital, brother? If so, how was it? How are you?

Doris

i read, it helps
Posted by jes on Sun Jul 29 22:22:20 2001 (#697)

hey, erm, i know this is probably a really bad waste of time but i just wanted to say that i rad a lot of the posts on here and they help me to realise that im not alone and other people feel like i do sometimes too. i know ii dont write responces to most of the but that because i either cant get my thoughts out nito words or what i have got to say is a bunch of crap. so, yeah, the point is, erm, thanks, thank you for sharing ur feelings with me even tho i dont return the favour. love jes

Re: i read, it helps
Posted by Doris on Mon Jul 30 00:12:07 2001 (#698)

Hey Jes,

Long time no talk. How are you? What's new in your life? Are things better? I worry about you, please write back.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: i read, it helps
Posted by jes on Mon Jul 30 15:07:48 2001 (#700)

hey, not much going on really. my dads on about the whole 'what r u doing with ur life?' thing. i have been looking for jobs but tis pretty hard to find one withpout a short sleeved uniform. n e way, u dont want to know that. i havent been on this for a while cos its at my mums and i dont live ith her so its hard sometimes, but no, things arent really what ud call better, i just cant seem to get the idea of killing myself out of my head. its like, 70% of my thoughts all the time. but thats boring too. how r u? love jes ps, thanx for replying

Re: i read, it helps
Posted by Doris on Mon Jul 30 18:28:44 2001 (#702)

Hey

I'm doing really well. My boyfriend and I are very strong and I'm starting a new school in the Fall. I'm pretty happy. :)

I'm sorry things aren't going so well. I know what you mean about not being able to get it out of your head - I was there. Just keep coming here and get it out here and not on yourself, okay? Love much

Doris

Re: i read, it helps
Posted by jes on Tue Jul 31 23:15:38 2001 (#708)

i really dont know what to do, i feel so shit about mself but i'd also feel bad if i killed myslef. i just wish these people didnt care about me so much because then i could just do it and not feel so bad but i know that if i tried to explain then it wouldnt work and they wouldnt understand what i meant and people wouldnt understand my reasond s for killing myself and they'd think the wrong things. i know this doesnt make much sense but i think its part me being useless and part me being intoxicated. love jes xx

Re: i read, it helps
Posted by E on Tue Jul 31 23:49:51 2001 (#712)

i hope u didnt mean it babe. about not wanting *friends* to care,i care even if it'd be sooo much easier for me not to, i couldnt do that. Please find a way to talk, i know that its not easy but its harder than the price u'll pay if u keep it to urself. May God Bless and Keep you, and may u realise how much i love you Always urs babe xxxxxxxxxxx

I HATE IT
Posted by jes on Tue Aug 7 03:06:09 2001 (#725)

I hate it. I dont even know what it is and i hate it! i hate the thing that makes me push my friends away, that makes me cut myself, that makes me who i am and probably will be til i die, i hate whatever it is that makes me not be able to say this to the faces of the people who i care about most. i dont hate the people who care about me. but sometimes i think i do, and then i write things i dont mean. Like saying i hate them, and i really, honestly, truly dont, nothing could be further from the truth. I love them more than anything. What i DO hate, though, is ('scuse the long hate list, im feeling a lil emotional) having to involve my friends in something which clearly is depressing and maybe even too much for them, and also putting this onto someone who may even have similar problems. maybe 'it' isnt really an it, maybe its me. But i already knew that. sometimes i just want to tel them everything and for the to be able to understand and not be hurt by it i want to not have to feel guilty (i know its not their fault, i know thay dont do that)i want to tel them and them to understand so i can die knowing that they know why and can maybe accept it- thats what frustrates me, knowing that its not going tohappen and ill carry on hurting them cos half the time i dont know im doing it. thats when i distance myself from them,i think that if im not there, i cant hut them, but it doesnt work like that. whatever i do i know ill hurt them and i cant do a single thing abbout it. its like theres a fire inside of me and everything i do to try to put it out only makes it worse. i know this is probably not interesting to anyone but i need to get it out and if i do it this way then you dont have to read it like you would if i was talking. im surprised if you've gotten this far without falling to sleep. love jes.

Re: I HATE IT..Jes i love you
Posted by *star* on Tue Aug 21 11:26:09 2001 (#774)

Hunny i love you and i pray you read this as ive been doing some thinking and i want you to see this, i know we have this wierd friendship sometimes where we never talk or see each other even though were like half an hour away and i bet you think i avoid you but i dont mean to its just i cant help feeling like im useless anyway and that i cant help as i dont understand, im sorry i cut myself to see how it felt i really am all im left with is a little wierd ass scar and thats about it, it didnt help or make me feel any better or like i understand and jez was nearly crying cause i did it as his house with one of his razor blades as i just wanted to know why it helps i didnt discover anything only that it itches like fuck.

It isnt your fault that you feel this way it really and truelly isnt, i love you so much but sometimes dont know how to say it to you i really and trully do but sometimes it gets me mad as you seem so set on you being nothing and you are so far from that hunny you are such a great person under all the hurt and pain and ive seen that person i know her well and i dont want that part of you to disapear i really hope and pray you find some way of getting these feelings out rather than cutting and that we can be the old friends we once were. Love and peace God bless (*)- Amz xxx

anyone alse feel numb??
Posted by jes on Mon Jul 30 15:22:21 2001 (#701)

i dont know if there is a point to this really, im not too good at making my point. i was just wondering if anyone else ever feels so down that they dont even fel it eny more and they just feel numb? its like i dont feel happy but i cant feel sad either, i just cant feel and the only thing which i think might make me feel something is to cut but in the end that just leads to the same thing, it just holds it off for a bit. does this make any sense? i dont think it does but anyone elses views would be welcome xx-jes

Re: anyone alse feel numb??
Posted by Nuni on Tue Jul 31 02:02:24 2001 (#705)

I have never posted here before..but are you the Jes from NJ? Just wondering. My e-mail is down at home and I am using this thing at work so I hope you are ok...

I can relate.. a while back I use to feel like there would be now way out of the HOLE. I call it my black hole period.. it is terrifying. With a lot of hard work and plenty of support you can get through this. Oh and if this is the Jes i know same goes for you, and anyone else who may read this. Nuni

bye
Posted by BloodyWristGirl on Tue Jul 31 20:40:55 2001 (#706)

Bye

Re: bye
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 31 21:37:46 2001 (#707)

wait!!! don't go! talk to me or ne 1 first! PLEASE!!! don't go just yet! my sn is twistedpsycho13@aol.com don't let the name throw u off! Please e-mail me or something...ne thing! *hugs* Christine

Re: bye
Posted by Emma on Tue Jul 31 23:55:33 2001 (#713)

Please if ur feeling stressed just try and get ur anger out, it could help hunney/. Mail me? Emma xx

Re: bye
Posted by Doris on Wed Aug 1 06:55:17 2001 (#715)

Please email me, hun. Don't leave us.

Doris...
Posted by black rose on Wed Aug 1 00:52:50 2001 (#714)

E-mail me if u can...Please! *hugs* Christine

Re: Doris...
Posted by Doris on Wed Aug 1 06:58:29 2001 (#716)

Ok! :)

Emma
Posted by Doris on Wed Aug 1 07:02:27 2001 (#717)

Hey Emma

Are you new to this board? If so, welcome! I just wanted to extend my welcome greetings and tell you to feel free to tell us ANYTHING here. Everyone here is everyone's friend. We're one big family. No one judges anyone and it's a really healthy way of letting out emotions! Glad to have you with us, sister! :)

love and strength,

Doris

Re: Emma
Posted by Emma on Tue Aug 21 13:57:23 2001 (#775)

Thanx babe, for your message, yeah i'm kinda new. I didnt realise this was here for a while. How are you? Love Emma xxx

Re: Emma
Posted by Doris on Tue Aug 21 20:32:22 2001 (#777)

Hey Emma,

I'm doing really well, thanks. I'm going back to school soon which means I get to be with my boyfriend - yey! Seven months now and counting - I love him so much! Ok, I'm done now :). How are you?

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: Emma
Posted by Emma on Fri Aug 24 12:48:50 2001 (#796)

I'm fine thanx. Thats great about your boyfriend!! cool. Dont seem to have much luck with guys at the moment, gotta try and concentrate on something else! Love Emma xx

dropping by
Posted by bARBARA on Mon Aug 6 00:12:14 2001 (#718)

Hi Doris and everybody, I've been away for some months. I don't know what to write really, so...hello again.

Re: dropping by
Posted by black rose on Mon Aug 6 01:50:21 2001 (#719)

hi, welcome back! where'd u go? I hope u had fun! I can't really talk so I'm trying to squeeze everything in! *hugs* Christine

Re: dropping by
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Aug 9 16:34:32 2001 (#742)

um...I've been in Istanbul...:grinning: nah, I've been there only two weeks...hugs back, Christine

bARBARA!!
Posted by Doris on Mon Aug 6 05:18:34 2001 (#720)

Hey girl!

Where have you been? We've missed you like crazy!! Welcome back.. are you here to stay? It's good to see a familiar face. :) Love you, hun!

love and strength,

Doris

Re: bARBARA!!
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Aug 9 16:37:29 2001 (#743)

Thanks!

Am I here to stay? I'll probably be dropping in less...HOW'S YOUR LOVE LIFE? And that McDonald's-like job? How is your summer?

Re: bARBARA!!
Posted by bARBARA on Thu Aug 9 16:43:22 2001 (#744)

I can say that I feel normal, and I haven't felt normal since 5th grade-and I'm not exagerrating (I don't have to). I can almost surely say too that my fear (almost phobia-like) of people and men especially is somewhat diminished these days; I don't know why though. Maybe it's just time. Maybe it's the sun. :)

Re: bARBARA!!
Posted by Doris on Thu Aug 9 21:20:06 2001 (#747)

Hey bARBARA!

Good to hear from you! I'm glad you feel normal - it's better than sasd or suicidal. I'm really happy for you! My love life is going very well, thank you *blush*. My boyfriend and I just passed our six month anniversary. We're still very much in love. :) I busted my ass to get any job for the summer but no luck. That McDonald's-like job said they weren't looking for people! They interviewed me and said they weren't looking for people!! URGH! Anyway, I'm going back to school soon and I'm just enjoying my time off. Glad to hear you're doing well! Keep it up!

Love and strength,

Doris

xxxxx
Posted by xxxx on Tue Aug 7 00:23:25 2001 (#721)

I cried but nobody heard He died but nobody noticed He lied just to gain I hope suicide will ease his pain I lost my friend he disappeared he left hospital to soon wish he was here A true friend of mine he was like no other he used this board my friend the Muddled Brother.

Re: xxxxx
Posted by Doris on Tue Aug 7 21:50:26 2001 (#729)

Did something happen to brother? Or are you he? I'm really worried... please clear this up. Thanks.

Doris