Psyke.org

14 Yr Old

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Copyright, 14 Yr Old

Hey what can I say; everyone will be able to see what I say (ignore bad spellings) so I’m guessing after I send this I’ll think of so much more I want to say. Mine isn’t really a story. More of a short speech with a little of what I feel within it. I hope it opens people’s eyes to the suffering that is happening within the world. It starts like this:

My mum once said to my cat as she was walking out of the small child’s bedroom which had been mine for years “she doesn’t want anything Purdy” referring to me. My mother climbed down the stairs and disappeared from earshot. I stood as I thought of everything I did want. I didn’t want the latest toy that was newly out on the telly. I didn’t want that excellent new track of the latest pop idol, the little black top I saw when shopping, or the cool new jeans my best mate just got for 500! I wanted the simplest things. Things that people get in their every day lives; but things I knew I didn’t have and probably from the fault of my own. Things such as a smile that shows someone cares as you walk into the room. A hug even when you haven’t had one for 6 weeks. Someone to hear you crying late night and to sneak in behind you and lay with you; or even sit at a distance for they know you need to be alone but want to show they care. Someone to ring just because they know you get upset when you’re alone. Someone to be there for you and want to listen; not change the subject coz they don’t know how to help. Someone to try and help you even when they know they can’t. Someone to whisper, “I love you” and to mean it. A feeling I get deep inside me is like pain and a tingle of fear mixed into one. Right in my stomach I can feel it when I know I will lose the one person who means the world to me. I lied to her and I suppose I hurt her in some way. Looking back I can’t believe I did it; I love her so much it hurts. I’m not a lesbian but she is like my best friend ever! She’s also like my sister. How could I ever lose her? She means so much; I would die for her, kill for her. I cut when she cuts, I cry when she cries and I will die when she dies. I want to be there for her but I know she will always accuse me of being a silly little 14yr old even if she never says it. That’s all I am ladies and gents! A silly little 14yr old girl. So how many ‘silly’ children feel the way I do? Feel so alone that it makes you cut, or feel as if no one cares for them; and need someone to just hold them. A smile only goes so far; I see behind my friend’s smiles. I used to look at their faces and they looked happy to I thought they were. I never knew the half of it.

Rocking. Here’s a good subject. People associate “rocking” with psychos. When I realized I was rocking and had been for a long time I stopped and wondered why. I figured I rock myself to make it feel like I’m being hugged. Like a mother clenching onto her baby and rocking it to sleep. So these “psychos” only want to be loved, feel like they’re loved and need someone to hug them. Doesn’t everyone want to be loved? Feel to be wanted and want to be loved. Have someone there for them late at night? So many people like me are out there but why do people not care; maybe, like me, they’re wrapped up in themselves and their own pain that they don’t see others’ suffering. Maybe it really is coz people don’t see what they’re not looking for, or see and hide from the truth. Maybe “happy” people are really a show and they hurt deep down too. Maybe I’m a hurting 14 yr old child who lies; and you shouldn’t listen to me. But I know even if I’m alone within my living life time, I will also be alone when I’m dying. For death is one journey we all have to travel alone.

 

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