I don’t really know why I cut. It all started three years ago when I first went out with this one guy. He never did anything wrong but I just started. It didn’t help that I had a really bad childhood. I was molested by a very good friend from the age of seven to thirteen, then I was also raped by a friend of my mother’s. I have seen one of my best friends get stabbed to death. And about a year ago I was almost raped. Plus I used to get abused physically and emotionaly from my mother and stepfather. I haven’t had the greatesst life so I guess thats why I cut. But I haven’t done it for like six months so it’s good so far.
I want to tell you why I have done self harm. At first I didn’t know what I was doing, I just did it. When my first boyfriend cheated on me with one of my friends I was cutting up his pictures and an impulse in me just told me to put it to my skin and cut. Over the last years I have had a really tough time from the abuse at home, my school work, stress from friends, my relationships, and almost being raped by a guy I trusted with my life. So whenever I had a bad day I would either cut, eraser burn, or use the salt and ice method. Usually cutting. Right now my life is OK. I recently met a really sweet guy who cares for me. And he used to be a cutter himself, he is also trying to help me stop. But I can’t, I’m not even sure if I could do it for him. For me it is an emotional release, the one and only pain I can control, and it has just become part of who I am. I can never see myself quitting, I need its support way too much. People, if you read this and you are a cutter, try to stop, but you don’t have to listen to me it is your life, and I understand how hard it is to stop.
As I wrote before I am a cutter, besides that I am really addicted to pot, drinking, smoking, burning myself, overdosing, and I am very suicidal. I really hate my life I just want to die, the only thing keeping me here is my boyfriend. He is the only person in the world who understands me and tries to help me, it has been working a little. But I don’t know if I will fully ever stop. Thanks for reading.
I really don’t remember the first time I self-harmed, it’s been so long. I started when I was about 9 years old, I’m 16 now. I do remember using shaving razors to begin with, and after trying several different things I found that straight razors worked better. In the begining the cuts were small and shallow and barely even left scars. They soon got bigger and deeper. Some have even needed stiches, but I was too scared to go to the hospital and I tried to stitch them myself.
My secret was discovered by my mother once, but she didn’t have the nerve to admit there was a problem. She made me go see a counselor, but after three visits I refused to go back and she (my mother) dropped it. I do have a few close friends that know about my self-harm and always try to be there for me.
I have tried to stop but I always fail. I always give into the feeling that even if I do stop it won’t make a difference.