My name is Erin. I am 16. I have chronic pain in my leg which means constant 24/7 pain. Awful pain. I came to this site because I needed help. I cut. I am so tired of being in pain and being stressed that I have been cutting since my freshman year. That is almost 2 ot 3 full years. It’s great. But now it is a trend among girls in my school, everyone does it for some wicked dramatic look. I have been caught before, taken to the emergency room and all that good stuff. My arm is covered in tiny but long scars, and they are still appearing every day. I started to cut with knives, the ribbed ones you eat steak with and I found that they hurt a bit. But it was a way to not feel my pain, and so I continued. I would get so worked up that in school I would grab a baret or a clip and gnaw away at my arm. Anything sharp and thin. I naturally love blood and scars, I have about 46 on my body, not all from cutting. I love the designs they make all in neat little rows or totally randomly. I have so much on my sholders. I don’t go to school, my mom is totally stressed with my medical problem and I just can’t deal. I cry every day and stopped cutting for about 3 months. But that was too long. I got in fight with my friends and I came home and cut my arms and legs and pricked my fingers just to see the blood. I did anything I could do to make myself calm. I would take a knife and run around my house and stab my walls or doors. If my mom saw my scars she would get all mad and sad tell me that I shouldn’t do that and take me to the emergency room. I would be totally scared when I would be in the hospital and the police would walk me to the bathroom and take my bag away from me. I would totally freak out. I love knives, I take them wherever I go, I always have one. Not to cut, but more to have, you know, just in case. Just today I came home from school and I freaked out and cut the deepest I ever have before. It scared me becuase I did it with a pair of dull sissors and pressed down really hard and it started to bleed; a ton. It was down on my arm and not near the veins and it is not very deep, but now my viens ache and I am wondering whether to tell someone. I think I will take that step and tell my mom, even though she knows in the back of her head. I hope by me telling someone or some web site, that it will help. not only me but someone else. if anyone needs to talk, write me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I’m Erin and I’m 15. I started cutting at 12 although it wasn’t really cutting. I was having some pretty hard times so I took a swiss army knife and cut the top of my wrists a couple of times. But I didn’t really start cutting until earlier this year. I’ve been suicidal since about 12. I got better for about maybe a little less then a year, then I started getting really bad again. I cut my actual wrist for the first time and I thought it was the greatest thing and so I did it a few more times that day. After that I lost control and I was doing it every few days just to kind of ease the pain of some things going on in my life. It wasn’t turning out to be a good year and I had jus entered high school so things were tough. Eventually it got really out of hand I was cutting once a day then twice a day. Just goes to show how much something like that can take control over you. It becomes like an addiction or an obsession that you just have to succumb to or else your life falls apart. When just cutting my wrist and arm and ankles didn’t work I started carving words into my legs, things like “forgive me” and “I hate myself” and “freak” and just things that I was feeling at the time. I finally had the nerve to tell my step father only half of what was going on. Around February, 5 months after I had started cutting, things got worse. I don’t think my parents really realize how serious my problems are and they don’t know the real extent of them but I get by I still haven’t stopped cutting. It’s something I live with every day. It’s not something I really like having with me, until I cut again. When I see the looks on my friends’ faces when they see my scars because I’m wearing short sleeves I feel really ashamed of all I have done. I don’t cut my arms or legs anymore but in my opinion I’ve gotten worse. I slit my ankles and cut my stomach to hide it. People don’t understand how difficult it is to be someone who honestly wants to die and who has honestly tried. I’ve OD’ed on Aspirin and other things a few times. I got nauseous for a few days and that was it. I never told anyone but I go to school and I see kids in my grade that do things like barely break the skin on the top of their arms like I did back when I was 12, just to get attention. And it gets me mad because they just want attention and they don’t know what it’s like to be someone who really wants to die and who really does it to get the rush and the escape and sometimes even just to make sure you’re not dreaming. Recently I lost someone I really cared about to suicide. He jumped off of a 17 story building. Everything in my life seemed to have gotten a whole lot worse after that and I took out my anger on a couple of my friends and unfortunately because of what I did and because of my problems, all of which beyond my control, I lost a really good friend. She felt it was better if we didn’t talk any more cause she couldn’t handle my problems so things keep getting worse for me and I admit I keep running back to cutting for relief from it all. I want to stop but I don’t, and not many people really understand. I can’t talk to my counselors at school or my parents or anything like I’m told to because they have never gone through what I have and they don’t know what it’s like to feel the way I do. They don’t know what it’s like to have to keep telling yourself you’re not crazy until you can believe it, because you know that the things that are happening to you aren’t normal, it’s not something everyone goes through. I’ve read books and done research and I’ve learnt a lot and I’ve decided to not tell anyone what really goes on inside my head because they will think I’m crazy. I’ve been locked in a mental facility before and I don’t want it to happen again. I cut earlier today after school because it was a bad day and I needed the release. I’m kind of regretting I did it now because I have to face the day knowing I’ve gone that low again and I have to go and be ashamed of myself like I always am. I don’t thnk I even cut myself because it was a bad day because now that I think back on it it was relatively good. I think I’m just still blaming myself for driving my best friend off. All I really want to do is apologize but the only way I know to deal with this is self harm and that’s what I’ve done and to add to the self harm I haven’t eaten much or gotten any sleep. I think subconsciously I’m forcing myself to waste away painfully and slowly as punishment for driving her off and consciously I want to waste away and I want to be punished.