I just want to say that I’m nineteen and was self-injuring for the last nine years. This year I made a decision to stop. Where I once needed stitches between once a week and once a month, I’ve now only had stitches once this year, in January. I’m really proud of myself but it’s so hard. I feel like I’m cheating every time I get an urge and I look at the pictures on this site. I know I’m not cheating but I get that same relief. To anyone out there trying to stop SI, all I can say is that even though it’s probaly one of the hardest things you’ll ever tackle in your life, it’s also the most rewarding when you can see your result. Those of you who have also stopped will probably agree. Keep trying your hardest to fight the urge, be strong. You can do anything you put your mind to. Your dreams will only come true if you believe they will come true…
This is about my life and how I am ruining it.
I started self-injuring at a young age. Ever since, say, first grade, whenever I would have a piece of loose skin hanging off of my thumb, I would pick at it until it would bleed.
I started actually cutting in 6th grade when I was eleven years old. It just kind of happened. I mean, my year was sucking, socially and academically. I was in a deep, dark depression and I couldn’t get out. I remember the first time I cut, my mother found me at the sink with a bandage. She got really scared. Wouldn’t leave me in the house alone that night, she brought me to work with her. And, strangely enough, I still have the piece of gauze with the blood from the first time I cut. But I knew, when I looked at my mom, she was blaming herself, not me.
This year it has gotten worse. Socially, I feel awkward and ostracised more than ever. I’ve never been your typical all-American kid that’s, you know, “status-quo”. Luckily, at home I was taught that originality was good stuff. My parents have been divorced since I was four years old, and I’ve never gotten over the anger of it. I tend to hold grudges when I get angry.
Anyway, back to the ostracism. I used to think I had good friends, but after all, they don’t understand a thing. I recently had a conversation with my friend. She was telling me what kinds of music I should listen to and all of that shit. She tells me, “Kat, your life really isn’t that bad. People have worse lives than you, and they don’t cut”. I told her, saying that is just going to make me feel ridden with guilt. How dare she tell me how good or bad my life is? When I said she was making me feel guilty, her reply was “good”.
Everywhere I go in school, I feel like people are watching me, staring, mocking, ostracising me. In many social situations I often say the exact think I shouldn’t. I’m always being blunt, getting on people’s backs for eating meat, being republican, and liking sucky music (I’m not a big fan of rap or pop). The “popular kids” always ridicule me. One actually went so far as to tell another person “don’t talk to her”.
One day, I was sitting in the bathroom, you know, doing my business, and I heard of group of girls come in. They were gossipping you know. Then I was involved in the conversation. “Oh, you know that girl Katya? She is such a freak! I would rather be dead than be her”. They left soon after. I was sobbing silently while sitting there helplessly, not knowing whether to kill or be killed.
I am still struggling with my cutting problem, and I would like if anyone has any personal advice or experience to share. If you know, anyone cares.
My Life Sucks
My life sucks. I’ve been self-harming for 3 years now, and my parents don’t know. I’ve lost all my friends because they think I’m a freak. All the lads I date find out and then split up with me. I don’t want to stop self-harming and all I want is a friend who doesn’t judge me. No one seems to understand and no one seems to care. I took an overdose about 6 months ago but then made myself ill after. I can’t seem to think why I did that. If anyone wants to chat to me, send me an email.
A Stupid Girl
The first time I cut. My history teacher had called my parents about something I did. Something I did that was wrong, like always. Since she is an adult and I’m only a dumb kid, my parents took her side. I had always been depressed. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I saw a broken candle holder on my desk. I cut my arm a couple times. I loved it.
The next day, the teacher saw it. I told her it was my cat that did it. That’s my favourite excuse. But now people would never believe that.
Now I cut deeper. I escalated to using razorblades. I don’t even clean them. I don’t care. I cut so deep that I need stitches.
I go to a day treatment program. Things are going good. But when I go back to school, it will all go to hell. A couple weeks ago I was hospitalised. I hated it there and I was determined never to cut again. I haven’t cut for 11 days. A very long time for me. But I don’t think I will make it.
I remember I was a self-mutilator at 11. My mother had died and my new stepmother of 8 months after my beloved mother died forbid any talking or items shown of hers. She took away my visits of my mother’s home town and places. I had not healed. I was in such freakin’ pain. I remember some of the things I did and have scars all over my hands to prove it, but the memories are blocked of me hurting myself to take away my pain.
My daughter is on this site too. She’ll know my letters but don’t reveal me or think I am invading privacy. I am a grown-up cutter, suicidal still at times in pain.
I have cut as a teen and adult. It is a black painful circle that encompasses you if you let it. I have to fight to this day really hard not to give in to those temptations. Yes, I am on meds to help, but at times, the desire seeps its wicked head through.
I would like to share a little about myself. I am 15 years old and I live in MD. I was put in an out-patient program for almost 1 1/2 months for cutting and depression. It truly was just plain bullshit. “I don’t want to get better” I told them. But they always told me “oh, well that sounds even more like a desperate cry for help”. It really made me so angry! I just needed someone to understand and support me. Well not really support, but let me do it. Cutting is a part of my life. I have been cutting since I was 13. I know it’s only been 2 years, but it’s been a lot of cutting. I have this one spot on my wrist where I always cut (on the top where the hair starts to go away). I cut over the scars a lot. I have extremely pale skin so the scars are not really visible. My boyfriend (left unnamed) cuts too. Well, he used to at least. I just hope that anyone who needs to talk about cutting or needs a friend who they can trust… I’m always here. I am a great listener, and I go out of my way to talk to people who ask for my help. I’m not saying that I’m better than people. If anything… I guess I see myself as lower than others. Anyways… My AIM screen name is “cool psycho chick” and my Yahoo name is Katlc317. My e-mail is Kat3_17@hotmail.com If anyone e-mails me, please leave a subject like “cutting” or “SI” so I know it’s not junk mail.
Last time I wrote, I was 15 and cutting at my worst. I just wanted to give you all an update about my cutting. Well, my not cutting. I have managed to be cut free for almost 2 months now. ‘Technically’ it would be 5 months, but I slipped up and scratched myself pretty bad. But that’s not the point. I still would like to say: I am here for all of you! Those who cut and who don’t. For any information or advice my e-mail is Kat3_17@hotmail.com.