Scared of Being Committed
I’ve been cutting myself since 7th grade and I’m not going on to 9th. I started really simple like scratches and then I moved to safety pins and stuff. Recently I started messing with razors too. My mom has talked to me about self mutilation and I understand that I’m probably sick and need help. But I keep telling myself that I’m OK, and I don’t need to be committed. Tonight I got upset and cut up my legs and cut “ROBERT” very deep into my left leg. My mom found out and said I would be committed to Lakeview or a psychiatric ward.
I’m scared out of my mind of going there. I’m continuously telling her I’ll be fine. I think I’m having trouble understanding that I’m not fine. And I probably need help. Just to everyone who had or has these problems. You’re not alone out there and I know what it’s like.
My name is Gabby, I’m almost 15 and I’ve been cutting since 7th grade but not bad until 8th. I’m not really sure what triggered it I guess where I grew up, how I grew up. My dad was an alcoholic and the seven years he had custody of me I really only remember spending maybe 6 or 7 times with him on his own time. It was kind of rough. My parents got divorced when I was a little over 1 and my mom moved when I was 3. Taking me with her. I was back and forth between the two states for a few years until my dad got custody. When I was in 8th grade I decided I’d had enough and moved back. The pressure of picking one parent over another kinda made things worse. When I started again more feelings were bottled up. I guess that’s what made it worse. I started out with just fingernail scratches. When I’d get angry I’d scratch at my arms, my scalp or I’d pull hair out. Then I used to use safety pins and small things like that. And I got worse when I started using razors, and knives. I go to a counselor to help work out some of my problems. It helps some. But I still feel the need to carve away at my flesh. It kind of gives me a sense of relief. I feel better. But I also feel better knowing that I can stop. I hope soon I will be able to but until then I’m another SI’er.