Kissing the Saw
Copyright, Kissing the Saw
I discovered Psyke.org a month back while looking for self-mutilation images to make it easier not to hurt myself. Knowing there are others out there who are in agony and have a similar way of coping makes it a bit easier to resist the urges. I mean, its not a “cure all” way of approaching what we do or how we feel but at least it does something. What it does exactly depends on the person I guess. Anyway, my story:
I’ve been “cutting” if that’s what you want to call it, since I was 12 years old (I’m 19 now). I suppose you could say its been my way of dealing with feeling completely helpless and especially worthless. I can remember the first time I did it very vividly. My mother and I had been arguing while she was drunk one night so, a bit later I broke a coffee mug on the floor and began slicing my left shin with the pieces. Deep down, I wanted her to notice what I had done because maybe she could see the agony she was putting me through with her frequent drinking and abuse. Even though it often stared her in the face, the situation of my self-harm was of little importance. Nevertheless, I continued doing it realizing how much it took away the everyday pain of being alive, even if it was just for a little while. But even long after my mother quit drinking, I was left with the nasty little habit that is still always sitting in the back of my mind to this day. Due to the never ending criticism and rejection throughout my life, I figured, if people are going to feel the need to constantly punish me, I’ll do it for them. And I did. As I got older, the mutilations got deeper, as did my self-hatred and the need to eliminate the torture that comes with every breath I take. In its simplest form, it’s pain to end pain and I feel my choice is a matter of which I can bare more; the poisoning of my heart or a few openings in my flesh.