Copyright, Krazy Redhead
I’m a 17 year old female from New York. I enjoy reading everyone’s stories and I can relate to most of them and it’s comforting that there’s people out there that are going through similar situations. Well, here’s my story.
I guess everything started for me when I was around 8. I was throwing up almost every day before school when I woke up. I didn’t know why and I wasn’t making myself puke.
I always struggled in math and which sucked was that I was all in honors classes in everything else. School was always overwhelming for me, me being shy and I was always so over conscious about my work that I’d be so stressed.
When I was 10 my parents seperated. To this day they are not legally divorced because of financial issues. I always had to deal with my dads girlfriend who hates me and never pays any attention to me. When my dad left I was so upset because I was so close with him. To this day I have anger towards him leaving me and my mom and not working things out.
6th grade everything went downhill. I was diagnosed with scoliosis and had extremly bad back pains and had to get a brace. I felt so weird, no one else had to go through this. Physcially I grew up fast and I had to mature fast dealing with my parents and my physical problems like scoliosis, my throwing up, my stress at a young age. No other kids I knew were going through any of these things. When I was 10 having divorced parents were unheard of. Being big chested made me feel like a freak. At 11 I was fully developed. Here’s where the cutting comes in. In 8th grade I had a group of friends that were pretty cool and I was close with my one friend. She came into school one day and showed me her cuts. She said that she was angry and it helped her get her anger out. I thought maybe she just wanted attention because I knew other girls that were doing it for attention. When I was 14 I had a boyfriend that was always depressed but I never let it bother me I just loved helping him feel better. One day I just had it. I was like fuck it, he’s always fucking depressed it’s my turn to get through to him that he’s not the only one with problems. That night he was out camping and I went crazy with the shaving razor. I felt nothing. I was happy, I was numb, I was calm. Oh, such a rush. When I told him I did this he cried. I wanted that reaction. I told my mom and I broke down. I’m like mom look what I did I’m sorry, I didn’t know why I did it, I was just angry, I wanted attention. That was the first time I saw my mom cry in a long time and I kinda liked that I made her cry. I felt loved. I know it’s a lousy way to get attention. I did it like once after that and then my boyfriend cut himself bad and tried to overdose and wound up in the hospital. I loved him but I couldn’t be with someone who brought me down. 9th grade sucked. I made it with like 7 months not cutting and when I did I was happy I misssed it. Then 10th grade I kinda forgot about the cutting because I hated school so much I was throwing up every morning in the beginning of September. I was absent so much. I hated my friends, I hated my classes, I hated everything. I seriously had nothing to encourage me to go on. I wanted to die, I hated being sick. In October I said I’m not going to school. I was 15, I couldn’t drop out of school. I told my principal if you make me go to school I’ll jump off my roof. Sounds funny but I was ready to. I wanted everything to end. they told me I had a choice of going to school or the hospital to rest and see whats wrong with me. What was wrong with me was I hated school and I was stressed. I went to the hospital, anything but school. I hated it. I lasted like 5 minutes there and knew I didn’t belong there. I flipped out and started crying. They said I just had anxiety and wanted to give me paxil. I said no I don’t want it. They were trying to shove the meds down my throat. I was screaming “like fucking get away from me I don’t know you.” I was seriously having a huge anxiety attack. My mom got me out of there right away. It was hard for her too because I was already admitted to the hospital. But she had her ways to get me out by just acting crazy. From then on I promised to go to school. Well it didn’t last long until I was throwing up again. I went to a psychiatrist and I was put on zoloft for a couple of months. I wasn’t throwing up while this all was going on. I had to go to stomach doctors to see if something was wrong with my stomach. I developed a hernia from throwing up for so many years. They said it was nothing to worry about. I got home tutoring becuase before I was put on the zoloft I refused to go to school since I was at all these doctors. They wrote me notes that I had to stay at home because I had social phobia, a mood disorder, school phobia, crap like that. From March 1003 to June 2003 I had home tutoring. From September 2003 to June 2004 I went to night school. Less kids, less bullshit, only 2 hours. Was great. Through all this I had my boyfriend for 2 years that lives upstate but we have a good long distance relationship. I love him and he’s one of the reasons I’m still here honestly.
In 11th grade me and my friends were drinking a lot. It was fun but I would get drunk so fast because I was on zoloft. One night this August I almost went into a coma. The alcohol didn’t react with me well. I thought I was gonna die. My mom stayed in the bathroom with me for an hour holding me and we were both crying. After that I knew I had to stop drinking. The cutting contiues when I feel fed up with things or so stressed. Oh, it’s a rush. I love my scars. Well, sometimes. My boyfriend understands why I do it but I promised him when we live together in a year I will stop and I know I will be able to. But right now I wanna cut. I see nothing wrong with it. I mean, yeah, it’s a bad coping thing but fuck it, I like it. It might make my parents upset but it’s my release. Also manipulation towards my mom sometimes because while I was drinking I told her if you don’t get me beer I’ll cut myself in front of you and oh I do blood all over. She cried. Well I was drinking before I cut I had 3 and wanted more. She got me more beer but I knew I was out of control. My mom and I been getting along well and as for my dad I love him but I still have anger for him. We have to sell the house because of his debt. While my parents go through the divorce and selling the house I’m stuck in the middle and cutting helps me cope. One minute my day can be going great but someone just fucks it up. I always hated people. I was always shy and never trusted anyone. I have my few friends and them I dunno if I can even trust them. I know I can trust my boyfriend.
This September there’s no more night school. I have to go to day school. I’m so nervous and cutting keeps my mind off of it. I also cut when I can’t sleep. It helps me sleep. I’m too lazy to take the tylenol pm. Makes me feel drowsy but when I have to I will. At night is when I get really stressed out I told my mom I need a volume something to calm me down so I don’t get my flipping out episodes where I go crazy and cut.
My name is Jackie and you can IM me. On AIM my SN is XoSwEetAsXSugArX, if you are a cutter and have anxiety issues and wanna just chat or need someone who can understand what you’re going through I’d like to chat. Hope you read my story. I believe that if you are ready to stop cutting you can. It takes will power and find other coping ways that are more positive. Just be safe if you’re cutting.