For a while now I have been cutting. Most people say they don’t know why people like me do it. Honestly, sometimes I don’t even know. But when I do know why it’s because I feel out of control. I can’t control my emotions, I can’t control anything but my razor blade. As a lot of people who seek help, I too went to therapy. I was in a hospital, I tried to get help. I sought out friend’s help, my mother’s help. Nothing worked for me. Now I’m even on medications, even they don’t work. I cut myself for a few reasons:
- I enjoy the feeling. It makes me feel like there are other things that can hurt me beside my depression.
- It’s the only thing I feel I can do when I’m hurting.
- I like the feeling after a week or so of were the cuts have once been. The healing scabs help me know that things are going to get better. They mostly always will.
- I just straight up like the feeling.
- I like scars.
I am in no way suicidal, like most people think cutters are (I had to clarify this).
Just last night I cut myself twelve times and the week before, nine times. Last night I cut myself over something stupid, but see I am so emotionally unstable that the smallest things will trigger my pain. I did it because my boyfriend of four years, my high school love, my first love, my first everything, full out dumped me. He was not nice about it, he didn’t try to explain anything, all he did was drop off everything I had given him and all my stuff I had left at his house on purpose, in a bag with a note. That was it, we were over.
I remember once back in my freshman year of high school I cut myself because I kissed a boy while I had a boyfriend, all it was, a harmless little tap kiss, I made more of a big deal then he did.
I don’t think I will stop cutting, er, well, not for a while. I can’t help it. I have thought of stopping many times, at one point I even thought I was over my “phase”, but no.
So yeah, there is what I have to say.
P.S. Suicidal people are selfish or at least that is how I feel, and why, is because they’re not thinking of how them taking their life is going to affect the people around them. They just care about putting their pain to an end, when all they’re doing is causing so much more pain to the people around them. For example: I’ve had two friends who took their lives. One because she wanted to end her pain, and her boyfriend cheated on her, and the other because it was her sister who had taken her life. My room is literally dedicated to them both for they were my closest friends. We went through everything together.
OK, now I’m done, thank you for your time to help me feel better. If anybody has anything to say about my story just e-mail me.