Lost Mish

My Experience With Self Harm

Copyright, Lost Mish

As the blood starts to run down my arm I feel my anxiety and anger drift away, I feel self satisfaction. Next thing I know is my mum entering my bedroom and coming to a stand still, the shouting begins, the tears come and I feel guilty — another scar to go with the rest.

I’ve been self harming for three years, I’ve had an eating disorder, which I still struggle with and episodes of anxiety with panic attacks and depression. Depression is the worst, as it triggers just about everything else. I have had an overwhelming sensation of self hatred since childhood. In fact even as a young child I remember purposely biting, scratching and pinching my skin whenever I was angry or upset. Things in my past have scarred me, ruined my self esteem and made me lose my trust in others. I find nothing more satisfying than cutting myself though. I use disposable razors because in a way they’re safer than using the same weapon continuously. I’ve heard about the risk of septacimia (I think thats how you spell it) and other deadly infections so I make sure I take care of my hygiene. Self harm is a release and sometimes a punishment, I do not in any way enjoy the pain, I simply ignore it as the emotional pain hurts much more. I have to be careful to keep my marks hidden in public, I’ve had a few dirty looks and nasty comments thrown at me before which is really upsetting. To me, my marks are normal, a part of me but not everyone understands self harm. I wouldn’t encourage anybody to self harm, but there are people who can’t help themselves or don’t want to stop, to anyone who would want to e-mail me on please do so.


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