Paul J

Will I Ever Be Cut Free?

Copyright, Paul J

When I look at myself I feel sick, I see myself as a fat retard. This is not me feeling sorry for myself it is my feelings that I think I need to bring to light to help myself get my life back on track. I think some of my biggest problems are I have no conferdents in myself, I have a low self esteem, am unfit and very overweight. The fact that I am overweight has a lot to do with my confidence and self esteem. When I was at school I was always picked on and made fun of because I was not the same as everyone else and it made me very sad and feel alone and made me feel worthless and that it was my fault I was picked on. This is where I started to lose my confidence and from there I never realy rebuilt and I have been living in the past. Until I started writing this I never wanted to admit that I was living in the past. But now I know I have to try and move on because until I do I will never be happy and that’s what I want. To be happy and cut free, to look at the scars on my body and know they are just far off memories and I am ready to try and help myself. I think this will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life. I have depended on cutting for so long I do not no how I will cope without it but I now I have to try because I will never be truly happy until I stop. One of the other hard things I have to overcome is my self confidence. A good example of this was a few weeks ago I went bowling with my brother in law and there was a girl who worked there I fancied her from the moment I saw her, we talked and got on like a house on fire and it was all going good and there was something there and I was not the only one to see it. I wanted to ask her out for a drink so much so I built myself up so when we were about to leave I went to ask her out but when I found her at the bar where she was having a smoke there were a few other people there and I lost my bottle and just thanked her for a great night and again she showed she was interested but I did nothing about it. When we got out side I started to kick myself. Later that week on Friday I went to the Red Lion, a pub that has live bands and after about an hour I bumped into her and again we got on great together and she showed interest but again I did nothing about it. The next Monday me and my sister’s boyfriend went bowling again and she was working. This time after a few drinks I asked her out only to find out I had missed my chances. After this I had a few really bad months of bad cutting and got heavily on pot just to help me get by. The pills the doctor gave me had stopped working and nothing anybody said seemed to help. Then I turned things around and started to enjoy life and did not cut for two months, the longest I have gone in five years. I thought I was over it all but this week things kicked up again. Things that happed in the past come back to light and I had a shitty week and I have started cutting again. Why can’t I just stop cutting and will I ever be cut free and happy? The way things are going at the moment I do not think so.


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