It’s been two and a half years since I first cut myself. I have never really stopped. Some periods I haven’t cut but I’ve never decided to stop either.
For the first one and a half years it was only scratches, I almost didn’t get any scars. I advanced and I guess my wounds would fit in the category “moderate cuts”.
I don’t really want to stop. I have used it as a punishment and as a cure. But I have to tell you: My life is not better. In a way, it’s worse than ever. The cutting has not helped me. Still, I won’t stop. I am not an addict but for some reason I like the feeling.
I don’t know who I would be without my bad feelings, my scars, my tears and so on. I don’t have another life — this is all I’ve got. It’s really sad but I can’t do anything about it. I’m not even sure that I want to.
That’s the main thing: I don’t know what I want. Do I want another life, a better one? No, I think that I will stay right here. I don’t know why I feel so calm when I’m about to break.
I am not saying that this is a good way to cope with your life. It’s really not. If you’re having thoughts about hurting yourself: Don’t. It’s not worth it.
If you feel bad, talk about it. With friends, family or a psychiatrist or similar. That’s the best thing you can do. I know that it can be really hard to talk about your feelings, but please try.
If you do hurt yourself — talk to someone about it.