Well, I need something to occupy my hands. My name is Rosemary and I am 14 years old. I have a pretty good life, nice enough family, and good friends. I also recently started cutting myself. I don’t know what cutting “does for me”. I guess I cut as a way to feel to feel alive. It doesn’t give me a rush, make me feel better, and it doesn’t even make me feel alive. I just like to pretend it does. I seem to pretend a lot. Nothing hurts when no one’s real. I don’t know if any of this will make any sense or not. I use scissors and I use them on my left wrist. I don’t cut anywhere else because I don’t really like change all that much. I decided to start cutting because I have gone pretty much numb. I want to feel alive but nothing I do helps. That really sucks. I might be trying to find a way out. I want to die and that sucks too. One of my friends told on me and I feel pretty betrayed. I really don’t like my school counselor because she acted like it was no big deal but underneath I could tell that she didn’t even want to look at me. I don’t know how serious I am actually going to get about this. I guess I really don’t care. I don’t know. I don’t know why I cut. I need some kind of release. I can’t find it. Truth being I would rather be dead but my religion says that if you commit suicide you go to hell. Life sucks but I am not going to make anything better by spending eternity in hell. I don’t think anything can help me. I really don’t. I just want some kind of prescription drug to make me happy and if my parents don’t get me any they will really regret it.
I guess it took me a while to really get down to a reason of why I SI. I had to come to face with a lot of facts about myself. My whole entire I have never felt loved. Not even when I was little. I am one of those people who crave affection and security. Those factors have gotten me into a lot of stupid relationships. I would go out with a guy even if I knew he didn’t love me as long as I could play pretend princess and knight in shining armor. I have spent wasted my life by living for everyone else but me. My parents, my friends, school work. Everyone and everything came before me. I have never seen myself as a good, nice, pretty, smart person. Even though people tell me that a lot I have never believed it. I always ask myself why I don’t want to believe the best for me? Why, no matter what, I had to be the one pushed down or left out? I figured that if I could be happy for everyone else then I could be happy for myself. That if I could love everyone else then maybe I could love myself. I started self injurying as a way of trying to make myself a real person. A person that could actually make decisions for herself. Well, it didn’t work. I have shut myself off and built a big brick wall around myself. I even used to dream about. In my dream I would try to cover up the top of the wall. The problem was the bricks wouldn’t stay and they would fall on me. I have spent so much time trying to protect myself from everyone else that I have managed to become my worst enemy. I know that you aren’t really suppose to talk about self injury but this is a real problem. People can openly talk about their sexuality and most any other subject but self injury is something I had never even heard of until I started doing it. The stupid thing was the reason to stop SI was right under my nose. My best guy friend in the whole world made me realize it. He is the only person I can really feel loved by. He has always been there for me. He has never hurt me in any way shape or form. One night I was looking for his address because I was going to mail him his Christmas present. Instead I found a song that he had written about our friendship. I started crying because I finally realized that when he said I love you he really truly meant it. I started reading some of his old emails to me and I finally fully realized it. I stopped SI because I finally felt loved by someone. I actually knew without a doubt that I really truly matter to somebody. I have just recently made this decision and I know it is going to be hard to keep but I have someone who really does love me. I know that he will be there for me and understand if I fall.