The Soul That Is Me
Copyright Shattered Soul
I’m fifteen years old and I started cutting myself when I was twelve. The thing is my parents kept me isolated from being social with kids my own age I wasn’t really allowed to play outside or have friends over they said I didn’t need them and I was longing for a real friend to sleep over their house and everything friends really do but my parents kept me strictly in my house. When I was little also my father used to hit me because that’s how he was disciplined when he was younger and I didn’t like it I tried everything not to make my dad mad so he wouldn’t hit me or yell at me but that didn’t stop I have many stories about what my dad has done to me but I don’t want to discuss them at all because it’s too painful for me to explain.
It all started when I started middle school I was excited a little because I was 6th grade and I was almost officially a teenager but I didn’t know as soon as I stepped into my middle school my nightmare would begin. I thought it would be fun. A girl who I grown close to was in my homeroom so we decided to take a swing on middle school together. As the school year went by the kids started to make fun of me (I was in the awkward stage of pre-teen I was going through changes that everyone goes through) but people still didn’t care I was their target of pranks and jokes. I started to become depressed rapidly and one day when I came home crying from another day of being made fun of I took a knife from my kitchen and made a small cut on my arm as soon as it touched my skin I felt so much better I thought to myself well I just found a new friend to cope too. As the school year started to wind-down I was not only the target but a target of vicious things I would get jump after-school by girls from my classes and I always try to find a way to sneak out from the school and run to my dad’s car before they could gang up on me one winter day I was walking to my dad’s car when I heard a girl yell ‘there she is’ and I looked back I saw some girls charging after me like bullets but I had a lead and I started running as fast as I could with my book bag almost dropping to the floor this time I decided to yell for my dad I yelled his name and he caught me and took me into the school to tell on those girls. But that wasn’t the major event that dramatically changed my life I remember one day I stayed after-school for choir club and my crush was in the club with me and it was only us the teacher came in and told us to go into the office next door if we needed to use the restroom my crush needed to he asked me please to go with him to wait for him and I said yeah trying to be good when we go into the office he pushed me against a wall and started to kiss me I went along with it because I thought he was being nice. We went back into the classroom where the teacher said club was cancelled so I decided to go call my dad to come pick me up but my crush insisted to go with him to the backstairs to talk and I’m like OK sure I didn’t know what could happen was one of the worst experiences a girl could go through. When we got to the backstairs he started to advance with me telling me how much he wanted me and all I did was giggle innocently. He started to kiss me again and he started to unzip his pants and I asked what he was doing he said they were getting a little tight and all I said was OK we continue to kiss I liked it until he started to play with my, um, chest and I told him no and he pushed me down onto the stairs hard and started to unzip my pants I was saying no crying my eyes out but he didn’t care and you could guess what happened next I was raped but I kept it to myself when I went home I felt so dirty I just cut myself to rid the pain he caused me. The year ended and so did the jokes bout me and people stopped making fun of me because I stand against one of the ring leaders of the jokes and I beat up good cause I couldn’t handle it anymore but it didn’t take my depression away.
The next year I returned to the same school but the guy who raped me was sent to a some other reform school and I was happy. No one made fun of me since they heard what happened bout my fight with the girl the year before and I was feeling alright .until the older girls started to make rumors about me being a slut which wasn t true! Someone gave them my number and they wrote it on paper and handed it to guys around the school and the harassing phone calls began. My parents couldn’t handle it and told the school but they didn’t want to do anything bout it at all. That January of my 7th grade year my parents rearranged my life by making me move and making me be ‘the new girl’ in a new middle school and I didn’t like the idea at all that meant leaving the house I lived in all my life, I cried and did scratch myself tilŠ I bled when I heard the news. So I entered a new school I was a little excited but the school was huge in my opinion and I had to take a bus which I dreaded to do. The counsellor took me into my first period class and as soon as I entered the kids knew I was the new girl which I hated. I heard laughing and I started to become depressed right there but I didn’t show it the teacher introduced me a couple were nice and I made a new friend but I was terrified no one made fun of me only a couple people. That year went by fast including the summer as I know I was back in a classroom surrounding by kids again this year people did made fun of me and I didn’t know why I changed my look and I was so depressed all I wore was jeans and t-shirt and a big hoodie to cover myself I met my best friend Samantha in math class she told me bout ‘her secret’ and I found she was a cutter too we made a pact to keep it between us and we were so together that we started to ask each other bout our recent cuts we were crazy you may think but that’s what we did. People were already assuming something about us until my other friend found my cuts and went to tell the school counsellor but I lied my way out of it but this wouldn’t be the first. My friends started to check my arms daily and would hit me or not talk to me if they found new cuts they were trying to stop me but it didn’t work. Something happened to me again that year and it was sexual harassment there was a boy named Matt I was his ‘girl target’ I didn’t know if he liked me or not but all he wanted to do was either touch me the wrong way or make fun of me or flirt with me I didn’t like it at all! Soon after his friend Kyle joined in with him. One day it got even worse I had enter science early that day and I guess Matt and Kyle followed me and before I sat down Matt took my arms behind my back hard while Kyle took my hips and dry humped me also known as dry sex. I broke down instantly then I felt dirty but I couldn’t cut cause I promised my friend I couldn’t handle it and I took a razor to my foot. I told on those guys but the school didn’t care all they did was rearrange the seats in science class and the other classes I had with them so they would be away from me that made me angry. April that year my best friend Samantha tried to commit suicide and she couldn’t reach me and when she came back to school she was getting treatment and decided to go and tell the counsellor about my secret cutting but I was in so much denial I lied my way out of it. That summer after that school year was the worst ever I fell into a very deep depression and I got into a lot of trouble for rebelling against my parents and I was mostly grounded and my dad was hitting me again.
Finally I was in high-school but I wasn’t looking forward to it I didn’t want to go my mom had to fight with me in order for me to go cause I didn’t want to leave my house. But I told myself this year is going to be different well it was but in bad ways. In October of 2004 I has my first serious boyfriend Paul we were so much in ‘love’ we got serious quickly and I started to trust him but I shouldn’t have. One day we were in my basement and we got in a really heated moment and decided to have sex but unprotected he said he was going to use the pull out method and I know that’s not safe but we were so much in love or should I say lust. When we got ready well he enter not even a inch in me and he ‘let go’ I got so scared and so did he and he held me while we both cried about it. He told me to relax and that nothing is going to happen and I believed him but I still had doubt. Couple weeks later I showed the definite sign of pregnancy, the missed period. I was scared and I straight away told him but he said I was seeing or feeling things again I believed him. A month later began to show I was a little happy having a baby inside me a new life. I went up to him and told him to feel my belly and he said if I was to get rid of it because he wasn’t going to take care of the baby he was denying it. He dumped me for another girl because he couldn’t handle it with me anymore. When I was two or three months pregnant I had a miscarriage and I dealt with it all by myself not even my parents knew about my situation. I went back to my old life picked up my pieces but it crashed again when my grandmother died and I saw her death with my own eyes. I didn’t want to speak with anyone and I tried not to cut but I did fifteen cuts to my upper arm. My parents saw them but they didn’t care. The thing is my parents don t care bout me sometimes they do but I’m so depressed. I might be bipolar I show the symptoms of being BP I have suicidal thoughts since I’ve been twelve and I still cut it’s been almost four years. The other day I found a new way to harm myself I took an eraser to my skin and I erased my skin till I bled. I want help and my friends try to get me through life but suicide is all I’m thinking about.