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Andrea

Drifting Away

Copyright Andrea

My tears turn to blood like the blood that drips from my veins. Crying myself to sleep is all I ever do. Waking up every morning not wanting to see light, only wanting to see darkness. You’re a disease that clouds my mind looking down at the puddle of blood on the floor I look back and think about how I promised I wouldn’t do it anymore. But that was a long time ago a distant memory like us floating in the air like the dust in my lungs. Trying to get up I begin to feel dizzy and fall back to the floor too weak to get up again. I lay there barely lifeless everything gets dark just like I wanted it I grow numb and cold my eyes close but I’m not dead yet I’m shaking, my wrists are pounding, my head is aching. I hear the phone ring. I know it’s you. I don’t wanna answer because I know how much you will hurt I also know you’ll do it too so I lay there almost gone, your phonecall unanswered. I know you’re worried but there’s nothing I can do. So I let myself slowly suffer and drift away.

My Wounds

Copyright Andrea

To this habit, I am addicted.
My problem has been convicted.
I still cut,
And I still bleed.
You are the person
That I really need
To help prevent my scars
From forming once again.
You see where I’m going
And you know where I’ve been.
My wounds are starting to heal.

To this pain, I am enslaved.
All of these scars have been engraved.
I still panic,
I still scream.
You have built up
My self-esteem,
And you have made me
Realize that I am strong.
You let me see just
What I’ve done wrong.
My wounds are less visible.

To this stress, I am confined.
Due to my past, I am blind.
I still drown,
And I still sink.
It’s not the issue
That you may think;
It’s way too complicated
And hard to explain.
You’re the only one who
Hasn’t driven me insane.
My wounds are going away.

Your assistance helped me
After I cut and bled.
Now my arms aren’t
Completely in red.

Craving to Cut

Copyright Andrea

It cuts like my knife,
The agony within life.
I have a craving to cut,
But I’m writing it instead,
Hoping this addiction
Will just leave my head.
The blade touching my skin
Feeds the craving within,
But I know I must stop
To protect myself and others.

It burns like a hire,
But it’s one thing I require.
I have a craving to cut.
I don’t want to be attractive.
This is my way to cope
Although it is reactive.
The burning I feel inside,
It won’t stop though I tried.
Somebody knows how to quit,
And I’ll gladly take their challenge.

It burns like a flame
Afterward, it feels like shame.
I have a craving to cut,
But I can’t for your sake.
I’m breaking the habit,
It was a big mistake.
The spark inside my head
Contradicts what I’ve said.
I need and want to stop,
But I’m not sure of how.

Have you not figured it out?
It’s self injury I’m talking about.
I may cut, but I’m not a nut.
Love me like you love others.

I Feel No Pain

Copyright Andrea

Sometimes it is soo hard to do what’s right,
When what you want is so completely wrong.
When everyone and everything has turned it’s back,
And the whole world ignores your screams.
It’s hard to hold on to the thoughts of a better life.
When the pain is driving you out of your mind,
Insanity is your sweet release.
The emotional pain becomes too much,
And the physical pain no longer helps.
What do you do?
End your life?
What can I say?
Nothing seems to work anymore.
And the pain is way too much
If I hadn’t fallen in love again,
Then I could have avoided all this pain.
But I was stupid and na´ve.
I trust no one but myself now.
Trusting leads to pain.
My soul is diminishing
My heart was ripped out.
Why can’t anyone just understand?
People can be so ignorant as to the pain they cause.
Even I am ignorant to the pain I am causing now
Maybe not to someone else,
But definitely to myself.
Letting you go is the hardest thing I will ever have to do
But if we can’t be together,
There is no point.
My life is over,
Laying on the floor now,
T-shirt stained with blood
I feel no pain

Still I Will Smile

Copyright Andrea

I’ll try to tell you how I feel
Before my heart begins to seal.v These emotions that I hide
Are coming out from deep inside.
I’m not seeking attention, nor do I want
I’d rather be invisible, than have you find out
That I wear a mask that grins and lies,
It hides my cheeks and shades my eyes.
This debt I pay to human guile
With a torn and bleeding heart I’ll smile.

Ask if I were fine, I’d probably say yes
Just to be like all the rest.
The smiles and laughter I foreplay,
Are slowly killing me, each single day.
For I have come to realise
That even though I am in disguise,
You are trying to understand,
A part of me, I have hid by hand.
My walls are breaking down piece by piece,
I’m taking every moment to try and cease.
But to know I feel, you’re the only one
You said you’ll be here for me, till I’m done

But until that time

I’ll wear a mask that grins and lies
That hides my cheeks and shades my eyes.
This debt I pay to human guile
With a torn and bleeding heart

Still I will smile.

Never Forget Me

Copyright Andrea

As if hands never felt so cold
A life fading, bought and sold
Watching as clouds grey
And in the silence I know what he will say

Never leave my memory
I’ve loved you all along
Float beneath the rain
Remember when you move on
Whispers of movement
Beside you as you sleep
The sweetest of all lullabys
In your heart to keep

Letting it go was hardest of all
I couldn’t be the one to watch you fall
Forgive me with every breath you take
Leave me behind for you own sake

but…
Never forget my memory
I’ll be by your side
When things begin to crumble
In my heart you’ll reside
When rain washes you away
Leaving you with your pain
Remember to hold to me
For I shall always remain.

Im sorry for ever doubting you
But my feelings still stayed true
I’ll never forget the joy I feel
Knowing you have healed…

Fading is the hardest part
Of being all alone
Believe in all of me
And feel spirit of your own

Arm

Copyright, Andrea

You’re my strength
I’ve found my way
You’re the path
I need to stray

White like snow
veined like marble
Come appart
make me happy

Take the pain
but do not feel
Wrap up safe
and comfort me

Hold me tight
Wrap around me
Make me sleep
Make me hungry

You’re my strength
I found my way
you’re the path
I need to stray.

Waiting

Copyright, Andrea

Seventeen years wandering around
Still lost in the hardware department
Waiting for a stores clerk to help
Waiting for the check outline

“What’s wrong?”
The problem is I woke up
The problem is I was born

Life’s a joke that everyone got but me
Laugh and smile, pretend to understand
Take another drink
Waiting for the clock to strike twelve

Ten Thousand feet in the air
Half way between earth and space
Four hours from my destination
Four hours from my past

Stuck in the middle
Waiting for the snack cart
Waiting for the seat belt sign to delight
Stuck between one bad destination and another

The sleeping man stirs
I remember I’m not alone
Orange juice in my lap
Ice melted; I don’t remember where it came from

They must hear the voices in my head
Still they don’t look over
A watch clothed in cotton
Tick there, but unheard

I spit my disgust in your mouth
You swallow ohh, so willingly
Confused and ignorant
Fingers in your ears

What’s the point in screaming?
When no one hears?

A winter playground
Cold and vacant
Body shaking, prisoner to the steel giant
Laying on my back, staring at the stars

I catch the moon
Put it in my pocket
Warm against my fingertips
I take to the caged nightingale

Zooming down the lost highway
Forgotten paths of my mind
Not noticing your presence, or mine
Let’s be lost, lose me, and then find me again

Driving away from my fears
Rearview mirror missing
Nothing behind me existed
If I fall backward, I will never hit

Ashes to ashes dust to dust
I am burnt
I am ash
I am stagnant, collecting dust

Abuse me in my sleep
Smile at my progress
“You look good today.”
My pain a pretty shade

Hold my ashes in your hand
Scatter them on your bed
Lay with me
So I may rest

Take my body
Take my blood
Take my flesh
Take me home

Bath myself in the river of hate
Wash away my faith and desire
I can survive like this
If I don’t care anymore

Pull me from the river
Shivering and naked
Shield me from winter
Uncover your ears

Laying on the muddy banks
Waiting for spring
Waiting for you
Waiting

 

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