The end has come, it’s now time to move on. All the things I’ve done, all the things I shouldn’t have and all the things I should have done are here to greet me. Face to face with the people that meant the most to me and those who had the greatest impact on me. “Things aren’t always as they seem”. I keep repeating aloud. People aren’t always what you think they are. Look at me you never thought you’d see me like this did you?
Suddenly I find myself sitting in an empty room with one door.
The door opens and Ryan walks in. He looks just like he used to, he smiled at me and in perfect speech says “I love you Becca” it was like everything that had happened didn’t. Like that whole night was just a dream. I ran to him and held him tight crying my eyes out. I didn’t want to let go, I couldn’t lose him again. I can’t believe this is happening I think, and I just kept telling him that I love him. He then let go and looked into my eyes. “You should have been there that night” he said, “Why did you leave me alone like that?” The fantasy faded. That night had happened, the memories of that night flooded back, that horrible argument, that haunting phone call that everyone dreads to get, all the visits to the hospital, the brutal awakening that he’d never be the same all because of me. I just stared at him as the tears just flooded from my eyes. I told him I was sorry I told him I didn’t mean for any of it to happen that I wish it were me not him. He looked back at me and said “I know you are, and I know you didn’t but it did and you can’t change that”. Then he turned around and walked out the door ignoring my pleading for him to stay.
Of all people to show up it had to be Kyle, he was the last person I thought would be here. Immediately my tears stop he can’t see me crying I think, I don’t want him to know how much pain I’m in. He walked closer to me but as he as he did a saw a tear in his eye. “I was a dick” he said, “We could have saved each other, this didn’t have to happen.” He hugged me and told me that he loved me. I didn’t know how to react, is this person the same guy that I loved who told me that we’d be together forever. The same exact guy that left me for his ex girlfriend knowing that she would never care about him like I did or do half the things I would do for him. The guy who tried to screw me over in every possible way after he left me? The same guy who I lost my best friend Cas over. I had dreamt for this day to come, the day he’d realise how much of a mistake he made, but suddenly I didn’t care how he felt. He didn’t care how I felt when he did all of that stuff to me, he didn’t care how I felt when he told me he wished I had gotten in the car accident instead of Ryan. I felt completely empty inside, I let go of him and tear free stared at him in disbelief until he left.
Cas was the next person to walk in; she looked full of mixed feelings. I didn’t know what to say to her, should I run and apologise or wait for her to start yelling at me. She however was the first to act, she didn’t say anything but simply rolled up her sleeves revealing all the scars she had made since I had last seen her arms, when I was her friend. With out even thinking I ran to her and started kissing her scars like I used to, and told her how much I loved her and missed her. She said the same to me. After hugging for a bit she looked at me and said “what ever happened to best friends laugh together, cry together, and die together?” That was the exact quote that I had so often said to her. I didn’t want her to be alone when she died, and I didn’t want to be left with out her if she did, and I knew the same went for her. I started to tell her that I was sorry, that I didn’t think she’d even answer my call, after all the horrible things we said to each other I didn’t think that she missed me just as much as I missed her, and that I shouldn’t have jeopardised our friendship for a guy but didn’t even stay to listen, without a word she just walked out the door.
Why is this happening I kept thinking, this is supposed to be the easy way out I had to get out of here, but before I could do anything Chuck walked in. With out a word he grabbed me and hugged me. He just started rambling out his thoughts “what am I supposed to do with you!?” he said “Who am I supposed to talk to about everything? With out you who is going to help me with my problems!?” I suddenly felt so selfish, I never thought about how this would affect him or any one for that matter, I just burst into tears and told him that everything would be fine, that he didn’t need me. But he just stopped me and said “You’ll be seeing me soon” he said “you die, I die”. And before I could even respond he ran out the door. “Come back!” I kept yelling hoping he could hear me. “Don’t do this! Don’t hurt everyone around you, people need you” but he didn’t come back. I need to stop this I thought. The door knob started to turn and I turned in excitement, he’s back! I thought.
But it wasn’t Chuck, it was Jack. I hadn’t seen him in so long but he looked the same as he used to. I just stood there watching him, yet again not knowing how to react. He looked down at the ground for a minute and then looked up at me in a way he hadn’t in years and simply said “Becca-Boo” I never realised how much I truly missed hearing him call me that until that point and almost unconsciously replied by saying “Jack-a-Joo.” He ran to me and picked me up holding me in that way that only he ever held me. I felt safe in a way I hadn’t felt in years. We were both crying uncontrollably, he started apologising to me for everything he had ever said or done to hurt me. “I should have never left you alone when you needed me most” he said. “I shouldn’t have let Jen control me and ignored you, I love you Boo” At that very second all the anger I felt for him over the years disappeared, nothing mattered anymore. But then he put me down and looked at me “you shouldn’t have done this you know, now I know how much you really mean to me and I can’t have you. I’ll never be able to make up for everything that I did to you. You’re gone” He kissed my forehead like he always used to do showing me that he truly did care and walked out the door. I begged for him to stay, but he left anyways.
As the door started to open next I didn’t think I could take seeing another person, I sat in the corner huddled in a little ball hiding my face. I heard my mom’s voice say my name in a soft voice. I looked up at her and watched her sit down, she just stared at me she looked both unbelievably upset and disappointed in me. I couldn’t stand to see her that way, I went to hug her but she stopped me and said “You’ve hurt a lot of people how could you have done this?” I told her I was sorry but she ignored me and said “You were my baby” I started crying even more and begged for her forgiveness “I love you!” I shout “this wasn’t supposed to happen, I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I was sick of everyone always worrying about me, and sick of screwing people’s lives up. I didn’t want to be unhappy anymore” She started to cry and took me into her arms; she played with my hair for a little while then whispered into my ear “I know honey, but you couldn’t have hurt more people or screwed more peoples lives up any other way, and you’re anything but happy.” How could I have done this I think, my mom needs me and I left her all alone. I start to tell her how sorry I am how much I wish I could change what I did, but she just stopped me, kissed my cheek and walked out the door. She didn’t even stay to hear my explanation, she just left.
I’m all alone in this empty room again, the walls are slowly crumbling. While sitting in this wooden chair all alone repeating aloud “things aren’t always as they seem.” I suddenly come to the realisation that all of this could have been avoided, none of this had to happen, and most of it shouldn’t have. Every action you make affects someone somewhere. I wish that I had realised this before, now I must face an eternity of regret.
Maybe if I drink enough I’ll forget the times you held me in your arms.
Maybe if I smoke enough I’ll forget the times you told me you loved me.
Maybe If I take enough pills I’ll forget how happy I was with you.
Maybe if I cut deep enough I’ll forget how much you mean to me.
Maybe… Just maybe I’ll be able to forget you.
You were the first and only person I have ever loved.
You were the only thing that felt right in my life.
When you were around I didn’t need to SI
Whenever anything got me down, I had you to help me and not my razor.
I never realised how much I truly cared for you, until you were gone.
When you called me saying you needed me,
And I said I couldn’t, that I’d see to you tomorrow.
It never even crossed my mind that there wouldn’t be a tomorrow…
And now that you are gone, I miss you more then anything in my life.
Why did you have to leave me!? Don’t you know that I cant live with out you?
Not a second goes by that you aren’t on my mind.
And now that you are gone, SI has taken your place once again.
Now as I sit and wonder, why did it have to happen to you?
Why didn’t it just happen to me? Why wasn’t I with you?
Why wasn’t I there for my best friend, the love of my life when you needed me?
Alone with my razor… I just want to end it all…
Can’t Take This
Pain and hate I cant take much more of this
You see the scars and just don’t understand it.
I know you don’t, and never will.
I cut to feel something; I’ve become so numb.
It used to be that when I’d feel upset I’d cry.
Now I still cry… but they are tears of blood.
No longer do I smile and laugh and really mean it.
It’s so hard not to break down in tears every second of every day.
The pain is so unbearable.
Scaring my body just to feel something… anything at all.
What Used to Be
I sit here, all alone in my room remembering how things used to be.
Everything was so great, days were spent full of happiness.
I took the little things for granted, like being able to get through the day with out crying.
To smile a real smile all the time, none of those fake forced smiles.
The days when I would have never thought of cutting my self with anything…
When I didn’t feel trapped every minute of the day.
Those were the days, I wish they would come back…
She was always seen as perfect, almost flawless
Never once was she seen with out a smile.
Even under the worst circumstances she always laughed it off.
She was happy for the entire world to see.
What no one knew though, was that this girl was anything but happy.
Hidden deep inside this girl were years of anger, sadness, and pain that had been pent up.
She picked up her razor, and with every cut more and more pent up feelings were released. She felt a feeling that she hadn’t felt in so long. She was no longer a puppet being controlled by everyone around her. For one fleeting moment, she felt free.
My razor, the only thing that can make me happy no matter what.
It has become my best friend. With out it I can’t deal with anything.
One cut and I can feel again, like when I was a little kid, carefree and happy.
My friends say I need help, what do they know?
I try to tell them that I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong with me… its my way of crying.
None of them even know how to deal with it. Yelling at me? Yea that will help… help me do it more out of anger of them.
It’s not a sickness I don’t care what anyone says.
It’s my escape, my escape from this harsh world of pain and suffering.
The second I see blood flow everything is fine again.
Alone in my room with my razor and a fresh area of skin is all I need to feel like I once did.
Today is the same as all the others
Nothing is getting better, it never does.
I find my self completely emotionless.
Cutting up and down my wrists just to feel something, anything.
Sometimes I wish I could just forget everything and start over.
Or get the nerve to just cut deep enough, enough so I wouldn’t have to feel this way… ever again.
But no… it never happens! Why do I have to be so scared?
I want to die… but I don’t have the nerve.