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Home > Personal Stories > My Story (2)

My Story (2)

Copyright, Mari

I first began hurting myself at around 6 or 7, maybe earlier, everything before then is virtually gone from memory. I never really thought about it then, not as intentional. I called myself a "klutz", I "bumped into" things and "fell" all the time, but the truth was that I wanted it to happen, so I made it happen.

It wasn't til the age of 13 that I started using sharp objects to carve on myself. Exactos were one, but most commonly it was needles or safety pins, sometimes those little buttons you wear on jackets and stuff. For a while, in high school, I even wore safety pins stuck in my ears. I stopped for 2 years after graduating from school. I don't remember how or why. I was in a limbo for those 2yrs, emotionally nowhere.

Then I started again, worse than before, and that is when my family started to notice something wrong with me. I'd always been the odd one, the "crazy" one in my family, but I guess I got even to weird for them. With the help of my friends and family, I got into therapy and started on medications.

I'd like to say that it was over and done with there, but it wasn't. I still thought about it all the time, still did it when I couldn't help myself, and I was suicidal. I joined an on-line mailing list for people who self injure. They helped me alot for a while. I could tell them what I was going through and they understood, they were there with me, and I wasn't a "freak" and I wasn't alone. The list is called Bodies Under Siege (bus).

Then I moved out of state with my then bf, now husband, and stopped seeing my drs. I tried to be better, but it didn't always work. Time went by and it started to get worse again and he took me to see drs here. I was started back on medications and went to a psychologist once a week for a while and although I've stopped seeing my psychologist and am no longer taking medication (pregnancy) I'm still better off than I was. It's been 6 months since I last injured myself and I'm still taking it day by day. I still think about it sometimes and sometimes I really want to do it, but I'm trying. Even if I cut today I can pick up and try again. I've made it longer than I thought I could and maybe I can make it just a little longer... Wish me luck.

© 2002 Ratatosk

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