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Threads 301 to 350

Neal, where are you??
Posted by Nuni on Sat Oct 21 19:59:59 2000 (#1046)

Hi Neal, Just wanted to use this chance to tell all that here is where we find people that are like us. I am glad I met you and hope we continue to keep in touch! You are awesome. and to everyone else when you think that there is no hope left, think that there are others just like you hanging on...and maybe one day it will be ok... Nuni

I know this is mushy....
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Oct 22 01:40:51 2000 (#1048)

....but I love you people. Maybe I got the idea from Kate, who made a similar post earlier, but she's right. This is a good place for all of us. The first day I found this site, I asked for help and the very next morning, there were three messages in my inbox. These people didn't know me, but they took the time to comfort me and that means a damn lot in my book! Everybody is so special and nice to each other. I've started to think of everybody as my own friends and I don't have too many of those. Never did, so it was weird for me to have everybody being so nice to me. A girl could get used to this, you know. I think we found each other because we all needed to be reminded of how special we are. There are lots of times when we don't feel special, but we are. Would ya listen to me going on?!? I'll quit blubbering and give my keyboard a rest for now!

I love you all, DB

Re: I know this is mushy....
Posted by nuni on Sun Oct 22 04:04:43 2000 (#1050)

Mushy? No way, I think that as much inner-turmoil we experience this is where we find comfort (besides our shrink) if applicable...I am pretty lucky, on his couch is where I feel my best, and when I read and write with you all..NOT that it makes me feel "my best" but its that I am not misunderstood, judged, or astrocized, its all good DB, I am here for you too!!! I am having a cut free weekend, hope everyone is doing well....

Re: I know this is mushy....
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Oct 22 18:02:51 2000 (#1054)

I'm on my third cut-free day and I'm feeling pretty good about it, too. Did you know that at Secret Shame, if you send them your address, they will send you tokens for cut-free days? Just look under the bus list and it has a list of questions and answers and it says that you can get a token for committing to quit, then for 30 days, 60 days, etc. I think it would help to know you're working toward something. If you're ready for it, and I think maybe I am... Who knows? You can find the site through a link on this one. I think it's under links to other sites, if anyone's interested. But if you're not ready, that's completely understandable.

Love, DB

Re: I know this is mushy....
Posted by Nuni on Sun Oct 22 18:24:48 2000 (#1055)

Oh my..they actually offer things like that?? No one but my shrink and husband know about my cutting..anyhow its been alomost 5 days for me, and its a definite struggle..have you ever wondered what the big deal is? I mean people get drunk when they are feeling down, or they think it will help them cope better..we cut because we hurt, and personally I find it quite soothing at times..not lately of course.."i dont want to fall off the wagon, i suppose" anyhow,,thanks

Re: I know this is mushy....
Posted by laura rose on Mon Oct 23 06:21:28 2000 (#1068)

Well, you and I have talked, DB... and you know that I am always here for you ~ and for everyone else on here to. I know I am kinda messed up, but I am a good listener... and I want to help.

~laura

why do they have to begrudge me my happiness....
Posted by Sara on Sun Oct 22 05:01:53 2000 (#1052)

Oh FUCK these ignorant BASTARDS, people just don't fucking see how STUPID they are...I, oh God, I for once am HAPPY...I haven't cut too bad for a while now, and I have someone in my life who protects me, he really loves me damnit...and they begrudge me that, I think, it pisses them off to know I might actually get a normal fucking life going here soon. Just had to say something, didn't they? yes....

Re: why do they have to begrudge me my happiness..
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Oct 22 17:41:58 2000 (#1053)

Just ignore everyone who tries to take your happiness away. Don't let them ruin it for you! It's your life and if what you are doing makes you happy, who has the right to take it away from you? Go for it!!

Love, DB

Re: why do they have to begrudge me my happiness..
Posted by Sara on Sun Oct 22 21:46:01 2000 (#1062)

But it hurts so much.....I only wanted some kind of acceptance, you know? I know I can't be loved by everyone, but the least people can do is be civil to one another, civil about things that improve someone's LIFE! I can't take dealing with people anymore. Sometimes they are my lifeline...and sometimes they are all I need to want to die.

About me
Posted by Christine on Sun Oct 22 19:54:57 2000 (#1056)

Well I was looking at some of the posts from a while ago and there was one that sounded like a good idea telling something about are selfs to the board. I think its a great idea .Well my name is Christine I'm 15 almost 16 I live in New Jersey.I like all sorts of music mostly dance and punk rock .And I love Angalina Jolie thats all I can think of

Poetry
Posted by FallenAngel on Sun Oct 22 20:36:22 2000 (#1058)

Hi everyone. I'm new to the discussion board. I write a lot of poems...most of them dark and bitter and angry--precisely how I feel. I wanted to give you guys the address of my poetry website so that if you wanted to, you could check out my poems. The very first one is my summation of the world (from my eyes only--in that one moment), but the later ones deal a lot with self-injury and my feelings about my own actions. The address is: www.poets2000.com/ramblingrapi ds/default.htm I hope you like it if you decide to check it out and I hope I can contribute something to the board. Thanks-- FallenAngel

so easy...so hard....
Posted by Eve on Sun Oct 22 21:20:21 2000 (#1059)

its funny. almost. in this sick sad way, i almost make myself laugh. its funny because everything is so beautiful now, supposedly. so happy and alright, and "going for me". I've got everything together...getting married...everything is supposed to be fucking wonderful. but its not. i feel dead. i feel nothing. i feel empty. i cut, i burn, i bruise...i drink, i do drugs, im fucking starving myself to death! just to make sure i can still feel something. anything. its so easy to do these things. it just happens. i've done them and i feel better, and then i can put on this happy face again and make pretty. but deep down inside im thinking about how fucking easy it would be to take a bottle full of pills and go to sleep. my fiance says "you promised me a life together!" he loves me. i love him. but promises have begun to mean nothing to me....it has become very hard to keep my promises to him. i feel bad. i dont want to hurt him.

Re: so easy...so hard....
Posted by FallenAngel on Mon Oct 23 01:55:30 2000 (#1065)

First of all, the only person you need to make promises to is yourself. Don't worry about hurting your fiancee. You have to take care of yourself. What do you need? You might not know, but that's why you're seeking help. There are people out here to help you. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk.

--FallenAngel

when do i have the right to die?
Posted by kayla on Sun Oct 22 21:28:17 2000 (#1060)

i keep thinking i can die whenever i want but thats not true i cant. when do i have the right to die? i cut and cut and cut but it doesnt go away like i want it to. the pain is still there and i hate it. i tried killing myself but i couldnt the blade wouldnt go deep enough into my wrist. i know i wanna die and i know i deserve it but why cant i do it then? not like i have anything to live for and anything that is important that needs me. my friends are all leaving me and even my friend renee who help me with my si has stopped e mailing me. is it me? why did she stop its like she doesnt care anymore. does anybody?

Re: when do i have the right to die?
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Oct 22 23:00:24 2000 (#1063)

I'm sorry that you feel this way and I wish I could make it go away for you. Don't we all? I will talk to you if you want. You can e-mail me anytime. I don't have a job right now, so it's not like I'm busy... About the right to die...everybody has the right to decide if they live or die. Obviously everyone will try to talk you out of it. I had a friend who committed suicide at 16. I used to be upset that he died, but then I thought about his side. I don't know what all he had to go through just to get through one day! Sure he laughed and acted fine, but life must have been hell for him to need to die so badly. All I know is that the older I get, the more I realize I don't know nearly as much as I thought I did. It's not that I'm getting dumber, I just have more to try and figure out and it's confusing. It's not your fault your friend doesn't write. It's not you at all. You aren't weird or anything, you just need someone to talk to and someone to need you, too. I will try to help you all I can and I know that everyone here cares about you.

Love, DB

Re: when do i have the right to die?
Posted by FallenAngel on Mon Oct 23 01:50:16 2000 (#1064)

I understand how you feel totally. I also feel like I have no one. At first, my SI and my eating disorder just made it hard for me to keep romantic relationships. Guys didn't know how to deal with my emotional baggage. Then it got hard for my friends. I tried the guy thing again, but the scars from my cutting episodes really freaked out my last boyfriend and he broke up with me. Now, I'm even driving my family away. They want to help me but when I'm so hell-bent against it, they don't know what to do. I feel so alone, like my razor is my only friend. Rejection is the biggest issue I have...and right now, I'm swimming in a pool of it. --FallenAngel

Re: when do i have the right to die?
Posted by Sara on Wed Oct 25 00:46:18 2000 (#1083)

When I saw the subject of this post, I was intruiged...because I feel it is an unspoken question for many people. When DO we have the right to die? There are questions about everything...questions and consequences and terms to meet...sometimes I wish it was black and white---can I die now, or no? I understand what you're going through with your friends...I went through the same thing, and still am...it isn't you. Believe that you are loved, because everyone here loves you as a sister...a lot of the time, it's just that the people, even though they care so much about you, don't know how to deal with it anymore. I think cutters are stronger than all other people, because of what we do, and what we survive...so if someone isn't a cutter but is trying to help you, it is only a matter of time before they need a break. And it hurts, yes, but you have to stay strong...

Gianna is back...
Posted by gianna on Sun Oct 22 21:30:42 2000 (#1061)

well hi everyone,

i got out in late sept. and had so many thingfs going on...and was stresssed out about leavinng the hospial. thanks for the support you guys. write me Gianna

Re: Gianna is back...
Posted by Nuni on Mon Oct 23 02:10:18 2000 (#1066)

Hi Gianna, Welcome back, I started visiting here a few weeks ago. How refreshing it has been to find I am not alone. Like others that have been here for me, I hope I can be here for you as well. everyone is wonderful, no judging, just accepting...Keep in touch :) Nuni

man....
Posted by laura rose on Mon Oct 23 06:44:20 2000 (#1069)

well.... i think i want to die tonight.. most of you don't know, but yesterday i was in a car accident where someone fucked with my car and made it so i would wreck... then tonight I just got the hell beat our of me because the cable box is missing... so i am off to see how deep this razor will go.

Re: man....
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Oct 23 17:42:57 2000 (#1070)

Laura, You've been there for me, let me help you. IM me or e-mail me if I'm not online or call me. Anything. I'm sorry about the accident but I'm glad you're not hurt. I'm also sorry that you got beat up. It's not your fault.

Love, DB

Does anybody ever...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Oct 23 18:06:35 2000 (#1071)

just want to make all the pain go away for every single person here? I find myself doing that a lot. I just want to tell everyone that they are worth so much and are so loved by the people on this board. I don't want them to feel so bad that they have to draw blood to be okay again. I want to be able to take that all away for them and replace the cuts on their bodies with cuts on my body instead. I just want the pain everybody has to go away and I can't make it happen and I'm frustrated. I want to hold everyone and touch their scars and say that it will be okay and have it be the truth. I wouldn't judge or criticize anyone for what they do to get throught the day because I've done it, too. I think it's just that I'm starting to feel okay now and I want everyone I care about to feel okay, too. Does that make sense at all? It's just how I feel and it's what I want more than anything right now. Just to take all the pain and throw it away and have everyone smile and be happy for the rest of their lives.

Love, DB

Re: Does anybody ever...
Posted by Sara on Tue Oct 24 00:31:46 2000 (#1072)

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH SENSE THAT MADE TO ME????????? As I read your post, it was as though I was looking over a recent journal entry of my own. I think about the one thing you said EVERY SECOND, about touching other people's scars and tell them it will be OK again...I wish I could do that. I would fly around all over the world and meet every cutter there is...and no matter how ugly or recent their cuts might be, I'd touch them all gently and tell whoever it was, that they are going to be OK...for always. It goes the other way too, I think---I always wanted someone I loved to touch mine. For example, my mom has touched them before, but only just after she found out I was a self mutilator, and it was always in a sort of derogatory way, like "They look SO TERRIBLE, why do you DO this to yourself?" My wish was to have someone I loved, and someone I knew loved me for ME, touch them softly and tell me that they were going to always love me, all of me, including the scars. I wanted to hear that I was going to make it without killing myself like I so often dream of, without leaving my life behind. Without losing myself. And maybe it seems weird to want someone to touch them, to physically comfort me...but that's what I want most.

Re: Does anybody ever...
Posted by Nuni on Tue Oct 24 03:33:54 2000 (#1073)

I read what you both wrote and I find It incredible... you are loved ... after reading all of that I find it so familiar. I could never tell my mother, she is so judgemental, she would never snap out of it...My husband on the other hand.. when i finally showed him he held me, and told me he would be there for me always.. It took so much for me to tell him, I was afraid at first, and it was difficult to hide my scars things are easier now.. He does worry about me alot.. Just thought that I would share that with you, we all feel so alone until we find a place like this, but you guys arent alone I feel your pain and desperation becuase I Have been there, but you too will be here!!! 6 days with out cutting, who knows what will happen tomorrow, you all hang in there. hugs

I'm crying now...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Oct 24 04:29:21 2000 (#1074)

but it's a good thing. I was sitting in my room and I decided to go online and see if anybody had posted anything new. I read Sara's and Nuni's posts and I started to cry. Somebody does get it. It makes sense and maybe I'll be okay. I was just about to cut myself and I decided to visit here first. I read what you two said about touching the cuts and scars and I just cried. I was feeling fine but my mom said something mean to me and I wanted to cut. My X-acto blade is still locked up, so I was going to use a nail file or anything else I could find, but I read the posts and now I can't cut myself because I will flash on an image of a group of girls I've never met who are reaching out to touch my arms and telling me they care about me and they aren't afraid of the scars. Sara is there, Nuni is there, I imagine Laura Rose is there, since we talk every day, and many more I am not acquainted with are there and maybe they are crying, too. God, I'm having an epiphany here. I cannot cut myself. So many times I've felt that I had to do it and this was going to be one of those times and now I can't do it. I don't want to do it now. Does anybody know how much this means to me? I think maybe, this is the most loved I've ever felt. It's like a weight has been lifted and I can breathe now. I don't want to hurt myself tonight because I feel loved so much and I don't want to ruin that by cutting. I'm getting tired, it feels like I've been carrying something heavy for a long time and somebody has offered to take it away from me. You will never know how much I love every single one of you....

Love, DB

Re: Does anybody ever...
Posted by Sara on Tue Oct 24 13:24:06 2000 (#1075)

I wish I could do that...I wish that I could tell myself I'll be OK. But it seems that even on GOOD days, when I haven't cut in a while and I'm in a good state of mind...even then, death is in the back of my head. Why does it have to be this way? I'm 14 years old!!!! I'm supposed to be AVERAGE, let mom and dad do the worrying...I can't do it. I worry myself over the blood I shed. Over the scars no one else will take care of.

Re: Does anybody ever...
Posted by Nuni on Tue Oct 24 19:58:35 2000 (#1076)

Sara, You are right you need not be worrying about death, in fact all you need is for someone to reach out and let you know you are not alone, and to be reassured that you are loved. I am 27 can you believe it? I am haunted by those thoughts death) but I have hung on, perhaps I believe there is some hope. You are so young, and you have already learned things about yourself that takes some lifetime to figure out. I am not going to tell you its easy, but know that by surrounding yourself with people that know what you are going through makes our inner turmoil a little easier. We may not be together physicaly, but words carry a lot of weight...and I think everyone here including MS. DB feels you when we are able to reach out and say we care, because we do!! hang in there little one and feel free to e-mail anytime you need to.

Re: Does anybody ever...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Oct 24 20:22:07 2000 (#1077)

You guys are right about feeling each other. I really felt it last night and it kept me from cutting. That's strong stuff. This place has to be full of love and strength to be able to stop a person from cutting. I remember being your age, Sara. I started to cut at about that age. It was a scary time for me, and probably for most everyone else here. I think that you're handling your life very well in that you're trying to help yourself with the cutting. You know what used to scare me even more than being dysfunctional? Being normal. I had panic attacks so often when I was a teenager that if I had a period without them, I would get really scared. I had to talk to my therapist about how to be normal again, instead of how to stop panicking. And I'm not saying anyone here is dysfunctional. That's just how I felt at the time. I didn't realize how many teenager had the same problems as me. Nuni, you're 27? I thought mostly everyone here was in their teens. I'm going to be 23 next month, Laura Rose is 23, I think Kate is about 22 (?) How old is everyone else here? If you don't want to tell, that's fine, too.

Love, DB

Re: Does anybody ever...
Posted by Kate on Tue Oct 24 22:39:37 2000 (#1078)

Yay I am 22. I am glad there are a variety of ages here. I think it is great you guys want to help eachother but you have to take care of yourself first. I cut again this weekend and did pot. The pot and cutting were like the same thing for me. I got dumped for a Tori Spelling blonde bimbo so I drank, smoked, did pot and cut. Now I need to take care of myself and fuck all those assholes. I want to quit again. I just slipped up.

Re: Does anybody ever...
Posted by Sara on Tue Oct 24 23:40:46 2000 (#1080)

I believe what you are saying...I suppose that if I didn't really think there was hope left, I wouldn't be here to post this now. And what you said about the physical and verbal thing is true...words do carry a lot of weight. It's a good thing too I guess, since that's all I seem to be getting. Not that I'm ungrateful...those words have kept me alive. I just seem to feel so bitter sometimes...because all I want is to be held. Have you ever just wanted to be held in someone's arms so badly that nothing else existed to you???? That's how it is for me, on most days and all nights. I don't know how I stand it...how anyone does.

Re: Does anybody ever...
Posted by Nuni on Wed Oct 25 01:34:59 2000 (#1086)

Its hard to believe I know, I dont want to frighten anyone, by the fact that I am 27 I have been SI'ng since I was about 14, and It started with a guy I thought I totaLLY Loved..anyhow, he use to punch anything when he was mad, he would make himself bleed, and this is how he handled his anger. i began to copy him, I thought it was the greatest thing. anyhow, after we broke up (5years later) it was like hitting things with my head, and cutting myself were my hugs... it has been on and off, and I hadnt cut for almost a year and it ocurred to me that it was what I craved. I longed to hurt on the outside, and I could never explain this to my shrink... but now after all these years I came to terms that I in fact have a problem and what soothes us most (cutting) is destructive...You all are very insightful at such an early age.. you express hope, and believe me checking out this mess board was the best thing I could do when I once again resorted to cutting myself...Blah blah right?? sorry didnt mean to go on and on... I'll be here if you all need me..

Re: Does anybody ever...
Posted by Sara on Wed Oct 25 13:24:20 2000 (#1090)

GO ON AND ON ALL YOU WANT...my greatest joy comes from reading everyone's words here and seeing that I'm not the only one who feels this way...and I'm so sorry it had to start that way for you...I'm sorry. Please continue to write what you feel, believe me it didn't frighten me.

sigh
Posted by laura rose on Tue Oct 24 22:43:52 2000 (#1079)

So um.... I just got home from the hospital yesterday... apparently when you make a bunch of deep cuts, take a bunch of sleeping pills and then decide to take a hot bath, they get the impression that you are trying to die.... well, I guess that's what I wanted to do. I don't know if I was looking for death, I just wanted to sleep for a long time.... who am I kidding? I wanted to die. I'm sooo lonely and pathetic and lost. This is a disorder that knows no age, nor gender. I'm 23 and I still have nothing together... even with a butiful son whom I adore more than anything..... I still have these thoughts. Yes, I know what killing myself would do to him, but I feel he deserves better than me. People always say "well, give him better by getting better". Um... that's a lovely thought, but can someone tell me how I do that? No? I didn't think so... there is no answer.. it's not cut and dry... It's different for everyone and that makes it that much harder to beat. There are programs and there are therapists.. but the fact is ~ if they were not getting that phat paycheck at the end of the week, they would not give a damn about what happened to me. I know you guys care... lori ~ you have been AMAZING (accent and all, dear)... but I feel I let everyone down and am not capable of healing. I seem to be able to help everyone around me, but they all have their problems. What right do I have to complain about mine? I'm just SOOOO tired of fighting this thing. Tired of fighting myself. It's a battle that is awful and drains that little part of you that is still left.. and even that part of you is hard and numb. I mean, I care SOO much for others. I would lay my life down for a complete stranger, but when it comes to my own life... there is no value. I don't care about me.

~laura

Re: sigh
Posted by Sara on Tue Oct 24 23:55:59 2000 (#1082)

Why am I not surprised, again, that I can understand every word you said...that I felt pain in every typed letter. I know where you are coming from, because I feel the same...every second...my life is, well, here to deal with, I guess---but when it's others, it's a different story. I love other people more than I love myself, just as you do, and sometimes I think that's when my problem started so long ago...I forgot to care about myself, and I put all my effort into others. When something bad happened and it happened to ME, I had no way to deal...so I turned to the blade. But if it was someone else, I could offer all the love I had taken from myself, all my support and time, I would talk in out with them and make everything alright again. To this day, my friends still come to me for everything, for advice and help...sometimes I know I shouldn't be giving it to them, I should be worrying about ME, but I can't stop loving them...even though I know none of them would lay down their lives for me as I would for them. I know what you meant when you said you don't know how to 'get better' like people tell you to...and it's true, there is no cut and dried answer. It's so much easier to say 'feel better love yourself get well be normal...' than it is to set aside your thoughts of death. I know this...and I'm here for you...as are every other person on this board. Much love always-

Re: sigh
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Oct 25 01:26:06 2000 (#1085)

Laura,

I've been worried about you. I couldn't find you online yesterday and today. I hate like hell that you feel so bad. I don't think you are letting anyone down. You take care of your little boy, anyone could tell that you love him more than life itself. Nobody could ba a better mother for him. You've helped me to not feel so isolated. We talk almost every day and I look forward to that. Maybe this sounds stupid, but it's always darkest before the dawn. I believe that you WOULD lay down your life for someone else, but maybe someone else would do the same for you. I know it's hard for you to believe now, but you have tremendous value to everyone here. Try to think of that song Good Enough. You got me into Sarah McLachlan and it's one of my favorite songs. Listen to Pray Your Gods. If nothing else, call me and listen to my silly southern accent. Want to do that imagery again? Picture the angel I told you about. She's holding out her arms to embrace you. She smiles and wipes away your tears. The angel will touch your scars and pick you up when you fall down. She loves you more than anything. That's her only purpose in life, just to take care of you. I don't know, maybe this is stupid, but I believe in this stuff. I just want you to be okay. Your life hasn't been easy. You deserve better, but life isn't always fair. You've still got some fight left in you. I believe in you. I wrote this poem about my cousin, but it can be for you, too.

YOU BELIEVED

You believed in me

when no one else did.

When I fell down,

you reached out your hand

When I was afraid I couldn't

you told me I could fly.

You saw potential

in a broken down girl.

You told me about the person

I could be.

You dared me to be better

Than they expected.

You believed...

when I didn't.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I believe in you and I always will. Talk to me soon, okay?

Love, DB (Lori)

Re: sigh
Posted by Maggie on Wed Oct 25 12:55:17 2000 (#1088)

Umm well... I may not be at the same level of desperation that you are at, but I wanted to make a defense of behalf of the therapists. You said that if they weren't getting paid for it they wouldn't care about you... But you say that you would lay down your own live for a stranger... I feel the same as you... I care more about other peoples lives than my own too. But perhaps some therapists (not all) may feel like we do... maybe some therapists were once like us, and had SI and got over it. Maybe they empathise and want to help because they care... I know that I plan to help other SIers through my biomedical research into mental disorders when I finally graduate. If I get over this one day, I would also like to be a volunteer for some helpline to talk to SIers. I will be doing this out of love for you all, and because I do care, and not because I want to make money. I went for my first professional consultation yesterday, and the therapist lady there was really genuine. I felt she really did care and even she said that they don't make money out of it... I could be speaking way to prematurely and from your experience you may have strong ground to say those things, but perhaps there are therapist out there that are capable of helping you and who would really like to do it, as all of us here pray that you will get better soon.

Re: sigh to Maggie
Posted by Nuni on Wed Oct 25 20:56:21 2000 (#1094)

Hi, why do you do it...i have met a lot of people that say they do it to help people, and others that have been there..why do you really want to do it? If you say to help people like us becuase you care...well I need to let you know you are treading on trying to take on a big part of the world.. I dont know, perhaps its my mental state where at times I wonder why bother?? who cares? why does everyone try so hard to do so much for others and poof one day you are gone..why?? I ponder this question and it plagues with thoughts of self harm... today has been another day of emptiness and inner turmoil.. but every morning when I awaken I have to push myself I figure I am here, might as well get on with it.. i dont know what I am trying to say I just dont get it..sorry guys Not doing too well in the motivating category.. I am trying so hard to not cut..its been 7 days...later

Re: sigh to Maggie
Posted by katie on Wed Oct 25 22:44:15 2000 (#1095)

Maybe because some of us would have given anything to have someone who had been there, and who wanted to help because they knew what it was to want to hurt yourself. I'm not sure. I've never been to therapy or anything because until recently I thought only one or two other people knew I cut. But... surely we don't have to justify wanting to ease other people's pain, even just a little? I don't know. Because it's all mutual. If we try and back away, we'll just fall.

Um. Okay, that was sort of rambling. Sorry. Take care, katie

Re: sigh to Maggie
Posted by Maggie on Thu Oct 26 01:47:34 2000 (#1106)

Why do I cut, or why do I like helping others? I'm sorry I didn't quite get what your question was referring to...

Only SIers really understand what other SIers feel and are probably the best people to get support from because they don't judge you. But when it comes to getting help, none of us are really trained for teaching SIers how to cope better, because we don't know ourselves. That's what I think is the purpose of a therapist, and the best therapists are probably those who have once been in our situation and have experienced SI themselves, and have got over it. All I was saying is that SOME therapists really do care, and may even be recovered SIers. As for me wanting to take on part of the world, that is not what I am trying to do. I just think that all of us with SI are capable of supporting others, and that is all I want to do, and if I can use my other skills to help us some other way one day, I would be very satisfied.

MAGGIE PLEASE READ
Posted by Nuni on Thu Oct 26 05:01:01 2000 (#1111)

Sorry Maggie, i didnt know you were and SI'er stupid me always jumping the gun... I just feel so confused sometimes, all these thoughts of death and apathy running through my mind... I dont want to contaminate the warm fuzzys everyone gets!!! I am sorry I find it hard to believe no one has ulterior motives.( IAHVE TRUST ISSUES TOO).. I know that by you coming here and sharing..well, it helps... I can feel why you cut, we all have diff reasons but there is also an underlying reason for everything that we put ourselves through..anyhow sorry MS Maggie, didnt mean to get all defensive on you ;)

Re: MAGGIE PLEASE READ
Posted by Maggie on Thu Oct 26 13:07:35 2000 (#1117)

No problem... My message was probably ambiguous anyways. I wonder if there is a link between people who SI and trust problems??? I am the same -and people have to try hard to prove they are genuine... Is it because you have been let down so many times before? - That is it for me.

Part of the reason I cut is to prove to myself that no matter how much someone else hurts me, I can hurt myself much more. I guess that is part of the control factor. Why do you cut?

Re: MAGGIE PLEASE READ
Posted by Nuni on Thu Oct 26 20:57:50 2000 (#1120)

I think I cut to externalize my pain. I feel numb half the time. the other half I am just angry or confused about how I should feel..besides I am a recovered bulimic, and I thin then, that was my way of controlling my life and whatever I felt hindered me..I was lucky enough to get therapy and this psycholigist used cognitive therapy which worked, I was already cutting then, but it wasnt anyhting that came up. I mean I didnt feel it an issue.. its quite confusing...I have been asymptoamtic for almost three years, but the cutting has worsened.. I dont know..the trust thing was kind of vague, sorry about tht, it doesnt make sense to enter a world of strangers and TRUST such as this mess board..anyway... I am trying so hard to heal... I am seeing a psychiatrist and we havent seen eachother enough to come to a conclusion but I already see him twice a week, and eventually 4 times a week, a littel intense huh??? anyhow..blah blah right... tell me more about your field of studies..e-mail is good too. Thaks for letting me off the hook. later Nuni

Re: MAGGIE PLEASE READ
Posted by katie on Thu Oct 26 22:06:44 2000 (#1124)

I know what you mean, Maggie. I think I cut a lot because I want to make sure that I can hurt myself more than other people can. On the other hand, if I hurt someone else somehow, even accidentally, I want to hurt myself to make up for it. Sometimes I even think I ought to cut myself when I'm feeling okay, because I need to remember that I can hurt, and that I probably deserve to. But I'm working on that.

-katie

to DB and all about this board....
Posted by Sara on Tue Oct 24 23:47:14 2000 (#1081)

DB, you were so right when you said the love in this place is strong...you said you didn't cut because you remembered us. Well I don't think I've ever mentioned before that I do that too---it makes everything so much easier when you remember that you aren't alone. I see this place as a community...a small township of people who share the same problems and responsibilities, and who aren't afraid to lean on one another for help. I love the bond between all of us...because we've all seen the pain that so many others miss, pain in a form they will never have to deal with. I want to say thank you, to everyone...everyone who has made this little community of love a possibility...and who have come together to offer love and support that maybe they can't even afford to give. Thank you. I love you all...

Re: to DB and all about this board....
Posted by Don (Saras b/f) on Wed Oct 25 00:50:16 2000 (#1084)

hi all. i have never experienced anything that most of you have but i ahve been here for Sara throughout a lot of her pain. I cannot say that I understand what all u guys are going thru but i can say that I have shared the pain with sara and I am here for anyone else. bye bye though for now. love, don

Re: to DB and all about this board....
Posted by Sara on Wed Oct 25 23:23:27 2000 (#1098)

Yes Don has been here for, it seems, longer than he actually has been...there are a lot of problems...oh well it doesn't matter. He does help me though...sometimes he's the only one who continues loving me when I can't love myself...I don't know what I'm trying to say except that I hope everyone else appreciates Don the way I do...because he's changed my life in the only positive ways I can remember. I love you Don...thank you.

Re: to DB and all about this board....
Posted by Ryann on Thu Oct 26 05:20:41 2000 (#1114)

I wish the world would make more men like you, or people for that matter.people like you are rare and valuable, so i want to say a big thank you for providing sara w/ unconditional love. i know that would mean so much to me...:)(though my b/f totally supports me and has too, a happy thing)~~Ryann

Re: to DB and all about this board....
Posted by Sara on Thu Oct 26 13:23:38 2000 (#1118)

All I have to say is, good luck and thank you.

Trying to Quit
Posted by Jody on Wed Oct 25 05:52:37 2000 (#1087)

AM i crazy to think that i can quit for good this time. I am fourteen years old and been si ing for five years now. I hate it, but cest la vie. Umm yea, do you think i can quit or do you think that i am completely hopless. Thanks for bothering sorry for wasting space

Re: Trying to Quit
Posted by Maggie on Wed Oct 25 13:07:46 2000 (#1089)

I think the most important thing is that you WANT to quit. Depending on how much anxiety you go through when you resist SIing, you may have a tough time stopping cold turkey. But if you have enough support, and you have convinced yourself that you are better off without it, and have a positive mind, I'm sure you are capable of anything. Maybe you could start in steps by aiming to stop for one week, then 2 weeks, then a month etc. Have you gone to therapy, or are you on medication? There are heaps of people out there who have stopped. Probably the people here are not the best to offer advice on this because the majority of us still do it. But you do have all our support and we all have the same hopes of being SI-free too one day. Just how long it takes us and the damage it causes before that time is the concern. Email me if you want to talk more... I am sure you can do it if you really believe in yourself!

guilty
Posted by Anka on Wed Oct 25 17:14:13 2000 (#1091)

I really feel like cutting now. Haven`t cut in 6 days, but now I feel guilty cause I haven`t done it. It`s like I have let myself down.If I don`t even cut, what am I worth? If I dont do it I just get more and more worthless. But my mom is home now and she is always cheking me, she will not leave mw alone for five minuttes, cause she is affraid I`m cutting. But why cant she just let me do it? I feel guilty cause my worst cut is healing, I dont want it to. I want to be full off cuts. All over my body. The worst thing is I havent got the courage to cut the inside of my underarm, always the top. I hate myself for this. I feel like getting drunk and cut there...I want to see the blood, runing down my arm...see how it just keeps comming, lots and lots...I think I will go and cut now.

Love Anka

Re: guilty
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Oct 25 18:05:47 2000 (#1092)

You shouldn't feel guilty for not cutting. It's a good thing. You're worth a lot to everyone here. I hope you don't make a really bad cut. Maybe that's selfish of me, but it's true. It's been 6 days since my last cut, too. I am going to try it one week at a time and see how that goes. Please be careful. We love you.

Love, DB

Re: guilty
Posted by Ryann on Thu Oct 26 05:16:14 2000 (#1113)

I don't want to ever sound all like a know it all just coz i've only relapsed 4 times in 7 mnths. but i dont know. i know exactly how you're feeling...maybe yer thinking, shut up, i dont care....i dont know, but i hope someday happiness finds you. if not happiness, then i hope you find peace. tranquility mends so much more than a razorblade can...cant believe I am on this end of these posts....a hopeful smile and a hug for you:) ((((((((anka))))))))

Laura Rose???
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Oct 25 18:12:19 2000 (#1093)

Where are you? I haven't seen you online for the past two days. Are you okay? Please talk to me. I'm worried about you.

Love, DB

It's bad
Posted by Kate on Wed Oct 25 23:12:52 2000 (#1096)

Last night I cut the hell out of my legs. I bled bad. I am back to cutting now. My life sucks. Everything is going bad. I am beginning to be an outcast I hate being around people now. I will never find love or doing anything right. I almost killed myself last night and I have been thinking about it on and off. My family would be devistated so that is the only thing that has kept me alive. I want to shrivel up and die.

Re: It's bad
Posted by Sara on Wed Oct 25 23:32:40 2000 (#1099)

I've been there...I know...what more can I say? I've felt the outcast part and I've done the bleeding...I'm sorry things have gone this way for you again. And I can't ask you to stop considering suicide...because I'm not stupid and I know that isn't possible. All I can ask is for you to remember we care about you...all of us here. And of course, your family. Email me if you ever need to...I'll be here for you.

TO SARA
Posted by nuni on Thu Oct 26 01:20:11 2000 (#1105)

Sara, Like the other day, think of the closeness, even though once again you have shed blood we are still here, I feel your pain and I wish I could reach out to you. I believe in you, and hang in there...hugs..

Re: TO SARA
Posted by Sara on Thu Oct 26 03:02:28 2000 (#1107)

Thank you so much.....man, that's the kind of stuff I just need sometimes...you don't know how much that message meant to me...thanks for doing what you do, guys...I love you...

Re: It's bad
Posted by FallenAngel on Wed Oct 25 23:49:12 2000 (#1101)

I'm pretty much in your position right now...so I totally feel for you. Usually I'm thinking rationally (well, as rationally as a girl who slices the hell out of her arms and legs can think)and realize that my suicidal thoughts will pass, but I still have them. And I know how you feel because when I'm not in my "rational" frame of mind, the only thing that keeps me hanging on is my family, primarily my mother. If it weren't for my mom, I seriously think I'd be dead by now. I hate it sometimes because I think I should live for me, and therefore, die for me, but just knowing how much it would tear her up keeps me alive. It's a curse and a blessing all in one. But believe me, I know that doesn't take the pain away. It still hurts--that's why I still cut. If you wanna talk--e-mail me.

Re: It's bad
Posted by Kate on Thu Oct 26 01:16:01 2000 (#1103)

I just feel like everything I am around turns evil and bitter. It's like I am poison. I have no desire to do anything anymore. I don't know what to do.

Re: It's bad
Posted by Sara on Thu Oct 26 03:12:45 2000 (#1108)

Oh the word prison...it's become a synonym to my life...I feel where you are coming from...

Re: It's bad
Posted by Nuni on Thu Oct 26 03:41:32 2000 (#1109)

Hey You two (kate and Sara), You are alone in the world of the lonely. So often I find myself asking What is wrong with me? Why is it I feel so awful, so stuck in this rut, of hurting myself and hurting others because its how we express our pain. I dont know about you guys, but I havent cried in sooooo long, that all of that emotion I have pent up drives me to hurt myself too. I get in to these big arguments with my mom, and I take her insults and swallow them, and then SHE cries because she knows she cant get to me, its like what is it going to take... she doesnt know I cut, but she knows that I have been hiding something for a long time..anyhow..here is the place where I could find comfort..not too long ago a friend of mine was curious about what I was reading , thinking she was open minded I let her read.. needless to say we stopped being the "good friends" I thought we were. It saddened me more, and only led me to cut...anyway..here we are, and we have commom ground... I think in this world our thoughts of death and blood shed are comforting, but we know that there is hope, which is why we keep coming back.... the more I write the better I feel...I cant help but feel like I am some older sister to you guys ..(27 years old) anyhow..this is all I have for now...take care and keep coming back...;)

Re: It's bad
Posted by Sara on Thu Oct 26 13:29:43 2000 (#1119)

The older sister scenario is a good one...beause I have no siblings, and sometimes I feel I long to have that connection...but I don't know if I want to live through all this pain, in order to reach my later life to receive more. The blood I shed was attached to the tears I cried in an odd way...if I wouldn't allow myself to cry, I would cut instead. Sometimes I would cut because I was angry, and cry afterward. Now, when I am trying to stop the cutting, I will allow myself to cry, and sometimes I don't need the blade. I just used to never let myself show my tears, because I saw them as a sign of weakness...and bleeding was better. Bleeding showed people how I felt without me having to speak and be misunderstood, without then having to think I was just a little girl with tears running down her face. I wrote a poem once that said "I cry, I do, but not as you...my tears are made of blood." And I think that's how I'm always going to feel.

Re: It's bad
Posted by Nuni on Thu Oct 26 21:21:08 2000 (#1121)

I wish I could cry, I just cant. its interseting how during one of my therapy sessions when somehting triggers me to cry, as soon as he reaches for a tissue..I jst have this block, I refuse tissues, and I can kind a break down, I need to cry so badly sometimes that I cut to, or even (sick i know) bite my wrists something I do spontaneously, that doesnt do it..what the F*** its frustrating..

Re: It's bad
Posted by Sara on Thu Oct 26 21:57:57 2000 (#1123)

God...crying...why can't I do that...but I hate crying alone, because sometimes it makes me feel worse, knowing no one is with me, holding me...I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm so sick of waking up every day, knowing I will only survive it to wake up the NEXT day in pain...and on and on...I once read a quote that said, "We die once we have stopped feeling and changing...and once our love has become hatred within our souls...."

Re: It's bad
Posted by katie on Thu Oct 26 22:09:51 2000 (#1125)

Funny how that works. I haven't cried in months, I'm sure of it. Maybe at a movie or something. But when anything real happens, anything that ought to make me cry, I just don't, or can't, or something. I used to cry really easily before I started cutting, too. Now it's just gone. It doesn't matter. I sort of wish something would happen that would make me cry, but I'm afraid I would just cut instead.

Re: It's bad
Posted by Kate on Thu Oct 26 22:50:52 2000 (#1127)

I wish I could stop crying. Everything makes me cry and makes me sad. My mom wants me to see about my medicine dosage. But I feel like it is useless. I am 22 and in this bubble of depression.

Re: It's bad
Posted by Sara on Fri Oct 27 03:00:14 2000 (#1128)

It's exactly the same for me, Kate...

Re: It's bad
Posted by Sara on Fri Oct 27 03:03:09 2000 (#1129)

Katie*

Losing
Posted by FallenAngel on Wed Oct 25 23:34:04 2000 (#1100)

I've been cutting for two years. During the first year I also had a very active eating disorder and the cutting wasn't so big of a deal, but over the past 5 months the cutting has gotten worse (it sort of "switched places" with my eating disorder). I was hospitalized twice and put into an Intensive Outpatient Program for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. At first, after going into the IOP, my cutting decreased a great deal and I had a lot of motivation to get better. I would say to myself, "I can beat this thing." Using the skills I learned from DBT, I would go days without cutting. Sure, part of me would be mad at myself, but part of me would be proud, too. But over the past few weeks I feel like I have regressed so much. I've cut almost every day and I almost never use my skills. When I think of using my skills I push the thought away because in my mind I deserve the punishment. I deserve to be cut. I hate myself. I feel alone and rejected and that my only friend is my razor blade. I don't feel worthy of anyone's attention, yet I crave it so much. I'm so confused. I hate cutting myself, yet it's all I want to do. I need to stop, but what will I have when I do?

Re: Losing
Posted by Kate on Thu Oct 26 01:18:40 2000 (#1104)

You sound alot like me. I never had an eating disorder but it seems like just when I start to get better I relapse. I did quit for three months but I started again. I feel like I will never quit.

Re: Losing
Posted by Nuni on Thu Oct 26 03:43:52 2000 (#1110)

READ THE LAST NOTE I WROTE ON "ITS BAD"

Re: Losing
Posted by Ryann on Thu Oct 26 05:10:57 2000 (#1112)

i was so terrified that life would be one dimensional when cutting was left out of the picture...i refused meds becoz i wanted my highs and my lows...where's the beauty in life if there's no poetic pain with which to paint it? i miss that drama...though i still maintain that i never did it for attention(seriously, i didnt)...but i miss that secret movie role no one saw...still, life takes getting used to, but everyday is a step towards adjusting. if you want to quit you'll find ways to keep your si sobriety..and it may take awhile, but u'll get used to the idea of life w/out it. sorry i rambled on and on...;)

Re: Losing
Posted by Nuni on Thu Oct 26 06:29:54 2000 (#1115)

You totally did not ramble on, I often wonder if my life will be NON burdened with stupid thoughts that are consistently plaguing me... I hate myself, the way I act think speak, am... and yet those around me praise me, for who I am....how confusing is that..I am currently seeing a therapist and I wonder if I will ever feel unstuck, and not so dissatisfied... I often wish of sleeping and not waking up EVER, and then there are days when I am an overachiever.. a leader, only to leave lost, and alone..I want to cut right now, and I havent in almost eight days..this isnt going to work..I feel so shitty...

Re: Losing
Posted by katie on Thu Oct 26 22:16:40 2000 (#1126)

Ryann... really? I'm glad to know you felt that way too. I'm trying to stop cutting now, I think, and it's been over a month since I've cut. I think I might be okay for a while, at least. But I find myself wondering if I'm losing something by trying to stop, which sounds awful, and makes me feel so selfish and horrible. Which makes me want to cut. And I don't, but still... okay. I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that having the secret wasn't worth the scars or the worry I caused my friends or anything else. They want me to be healthy. I think maybe I want it, too. Tons of people *don't* cut, after all, they must have the right idea. I'll keep on trying...

:) -katie-

Re: Losing
Posted by Ryann on Sun Oct 29 05:54:28 2000 (#1160)

I totally understand, and wish you the best of luck quitting:0). i was just thinking about the whole contemplating losing something when we cut thing...it is losing a part of ourselves and our lives...and maybe we shouldn't feel guilty for feeling that. it's the death of that part of our lives, we're only mourning it like normal people do. and what is normal anyways? a textbook term or synonym for mediocrity? ok, nevermind, coz if i start to think, i wont stop...remember to smile :0) ~Ryann

my SI website...visit if you will
Posted by Sara on Thu Oct 26 00:22:18 2000 (#1102)

To everyone who may want to know a little bit more about me, I created a website all about my life story, my cutting and eating disorder...and a lot of my best angst poetry. Feel free to visit and please sign my guestbook if you get the chance...

www.goddessoftheblade.h omestead.com/bladedomain.html Love Always.

dead inside
Posted by empty remains on Thu Oct 26 07:14:36 2000 (#1116)

i've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and i love him dearly, but when we aren't together we fight all the time. it drives me insane to think that all we will do is fight all week. seeing as how i can't see him on the damn weekdays. but what i wanted to say was that when we aren't together i feel dead inside, and it scares me. our fights get so bad sometimes that by the end i feel like killing myself just to save him from having to be pulled down into my unending sorrow. it's happened so many times i can't stand to think about it happening again..but i've always been self destructive and i can't stop that. i see that now.and i fel so bad for him to have to see me go through this all over again. i pulled out of it for a year but it keeps hitting me harder and harder by the day..well i'm tired of writing this now, i just bought myself a new pack of razos so i'll be off to play. respond if you will...

Re: dead inside
Posted by Sara on Thu Oct 26 21:32:45 2000 (#1122)

Feeling dead inside...it's a feeling I know well. And I could say I am in sort of the same situation with my guy, except that I hardly EVER see him...we live in different states. I only get to see him at holidays and special occasions like weddings...and from that, the dead feeling comes. A part of me died on the day I left from his sister's wedding in Virginia...because I knew I wouldn't see him again for 2 months or even more. I can't say I know the fights with my guy...but everyone knows how they go, and I'm sorry it's that way for you. There's isn't much I can say...except that I'm happy you feel you can come here and write to us about what's going on...after all, none of us are dead yet. Right?

Re: dead inside
Posted by empty remains on Fri Oct 27 06:11:23 2000 (#1130)

that really sucks about the different state thing. i just found out that we are moving, it's like a half hour away not that far but it makes it ten times harder. i just got a job so that cut down my time with him to, which means i've been breaking down more often..dear god i wish they hadn'd taken me off the prozac...

Re: dead inside
Posted by lost on Fri Oct 27 09:18:41 2000 (#1131)

yeah I know how the "being away from your boyfriend" thing goes ALL TOO WELL. My boyfriend is in jail (that looks good on my part... yeah right!) and i haven't seen him in over 6 months. And I WON'T see him for AT LEAST 8 more months. This is making life SO hard on me. I a full-time college student and I am getting kicked out of my house in 6/7 months so i have enough to worry about w/out worrying about him. I'm a depressed person even when everything is going good in life and him being away from me is making me crazy. My family isn't supportive of me in anything I do. He was the only one that was there for me when I was in all the hospitals and now without him here I don't know what to do and I don't know if I'll make it. Its too hard out here on ur own. anyway, i don't know if this had any relevance to what u guys were talking about so I'll shut up now and stop my complaining. *hugs* everyone!!!!!!!!

Re: dead inside
Posted by Sara on Fri Oct 27 13:25:17 2000 (#1134)

Lost, yes that was all very relevant, I think, to what we were saying...and I know it's got to be hard for you, not only because you can't see him but also because of the jail situation. I know it's got to be driving you crazy...but you are strong, you know? We all are. I think the blades make us stronger than others, because we deal with so much more, so differently...and the misunderstanding of cutting is a killer in itself. I hope things go well for you...lots of love to all..

Re: dead inside
Posted by Sara on Fri Oct 27 13:20:05 2000 (#1133)

I know it sucks...he called me in the middle of the night last night, just to see how I was...I wasn't good. His voice...oh man I just miss him so much, looking at photos and hearing his voice, smelling his Curve...it all just makes me want to cry, forever and ever and ever. I wouldn't want to stop. The feeling of being dead inside is so real already...but I guess if this is what it feels like to be dead, suicide is out of the question. I'll just keep trying.

HI ALL!
Posted by Gemma on Fri Oct 27 22:48:46 2000 (#1135)

HI ALL!!

I don't know if any of you will remember me, maybe Blue Rose, Katherine J, Joe...

Well, I used to post all the time, and when I came I was in a right state. Some one once described me as an 'emosional cripple', very fitting.

I'm 16 and untill about 3 months ago was cutting for 4 years. It got to the point where it was every day. And once I slashed my self over a hundred times in one evening.

But I don't want to go on, just say that there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnal, it's just around a corner or something at the moment but you will see it. If anyone wants to talk to me please reply to this, I have been through a hell of a lot in my life regardless of my age and would be glad to try an offer some support and advice.

Re: HI ALL!
Posted by Nuni on Sat Oct 28 22:53:52 2000 (#1148)

So, do you still SI??? What kind of treatment did you get?? do you see therapist still?? Sorry I am asking so much.. I am kind'a new, like two weeks, but I SI and started since I was 14, I am now 27 and am just getting help. I know I am pretty old, and more days than not I feel hopeless. what worked for you may not work for me, but I am interested Thanks, and I am glad things worked out for you.

Re: HI ALL!--Nuni
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Oct 28 23:15:56 2000 (#1150)

Hey, 27 isn't old!!! I'll be there in a few years myself!!! You're just a baby, as my grandma would say.

Love, DB

Re: HI ALL!--Nuni
Posted by Nuni on Sun Oct 29 02:43:32 2000 (#1157)

Thanks!!!

I don't know why I'm writing
Posted by Darkrose on Sat Oct 28 00:28:34 2000 (#1136)

I really don't know why I'm writing this. I guess maybe I've got to talk to someone, and the two people I'd maybe consider sharing this with are almost two hundred miles away.

[Deep breath]

OK, vital stats before I start in on the whine. I'm eighteen, college freshman, loving family, few to no close friends, very introverted. I've been cutting for at least four years, maybe closer to five.

The thing is, I'm not really sure about it. I don't cut deeply - just enough to bleed and leave a long-term but still temporary scar. I've used safety pins, paperclips, spiral-bound notebooks, and recently a nifty little knife with a serrated blade which generally works very well . . .

I don't even know why I'm doing it. Lately I've just seemed to be in a void. If I had feelings, I don't remember them. Sometimes I tell myself I'm just doing it for attention, but I've never told anyone and I go to pains to keep my scars hidden. I know I hated myself, I know I wanted to die, I know I'm clumsey and ignorant, and I know I think the scars look pretty all over my arms and legs.

I'm sorry for rambling on like that. I never know when to shut up. I'm just more upset today because I hadn't cut for almost a week and just now I did, for now reason at all. I was almost "happy" for a few seconds this morning, tromping through the fallen leaves, and here I am anyway.

I really did think I'd beaten it last summer - I didn't make long cuts at all. And now I don't even want to stop. I just . . . oh, I don't know. I don't know what I'm looking for here. I've never found anyone who understood anything about me, and I don't know why I should believe I could find one now.

Respond or ignore me as you see fit. I'm going to push "Post Message" before my better judgement returns

Re: I don't know why I'm writing
Posted by Nuni on Sat Oct 28 04:30:35 2000 (#1137)

Funny, not ha ha funny, but you know what I mean... I can relate so much to everything you said, I cut because I have so much inner turmoil and then I cut because it soothes me...I enjoy the beads of blood on my skin, and then the guilt..anyway...ask Sara, Kate, I think we can all relate...

Re: I don't know why I'm writing
Posted by Darkrose on Sun Oct 29 00:35:22 2000 (#1152)

Not that I'm glad you can relate, but thank you.

Re: I don't know why I'm writing
Posted by FallenAngel on Sat Oct 28 04:33:59 2000 (#1138)

I understand what you're going through. I don't know "why" I cut. It's just something that I've developed to cope(although maladaptively). My thoughts get all jumbled a lot . . . and I am constantly second-guessing my actions. I just want you to know that there ARE people here for you. That's what this board is all about. E-mail me if you want to talk.

Re: I don't know why I'm writing
Posted by Darkrose on Sun Oct 29 00:34:01 2000 (#1151)

Thank you. I'm feeling better today - I was definitely a little off the wall last night - I think I knew that was the only way I could work up the courage to write here. I almost never talk except under the influnce of a more frantic emotion. Ordinarily I would have been much more organized, though. Well, enough excuses for tonight. Thank you again - I guess I really did need to make contact with someone.

2 days
Posted by FallenAngel on Sat Oct 28 04:37:33 2000 (#1139)

I'm kind of new to the board, so you guys probably don't really know me too well, but I have been posting messages lately. Anyway, I accomplished a feat and I wanted to share. I went two whole days without cutting. It's a strange feeling, but I think I'm proud.

Re: 2 days
Posted by Nuni on Sat Oct 28 22:50:07 2000 (#1146)

You have a lot to be proud of, I have gone almost nine days.. I dont know how I am doing it... it seems everytime I have a conversation with my mother i want to rip my lips off my face.. i have razor blades in my truck but I have fought I guess everyday is an accomplishment.. My shrink asked me if I wanted to stop, I replied yes, but I didnt mean it.. I miss it, I guess to those around us who dont get it probabaly want us to stop... Do you want to stop? I am afraid of going back to that??? Hang in there, try to distract yourself, visit here, read and write...it will get better... I think

Re: 2 days
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Oct 28 22:52:54 2000 (#1147)

We're all proud of you too! sometimes when you haven't done anything that's made you happy in a long time, it's hard to remember pride, but I think you may just have it! Hold on to it, baby! Didn't you e-mail me once about poetry? You have a site, too, right? I didn't remember it when I was sriting back to you, but I have actually read your poetry and I loved it! Hang on to the pride!

Love, DB

DAMN this regression! It was OVER...it was over..
Posted by Sara on Sat Oct 28 05:24:17 2000 (#1140)

Oh Fuck...I was going by steps...I used to cut myself every day with a brand new razorblade...then I moved it down to a couple days a week...then I started with a safety pin. But last night, I went back...fuck I slit my wrist with a razor again...I thought I was done with that piece of metal. Now I'm going back...I wanted to cut deep so bad...but I thought of Don, I had to...he kept popping into my mind, and I couldn't shake it...I can't leave him. Then I had a bottle of about 100 aspirin in my hand...I had to throw it across the room to keep from downing them. Jesus, it hasn't been this bad since a year ago...I can't go through this all a second time...I don't have the strength left anymore...

Re: DAMN this regression! It was OVER...it was ove
Posted by empty remains on Sat Oct 28 07:25:27 2000 (#1141)

hrm..i don't know who don is but i'm glad that thinking of him keep you from taking the aspirin. this may sound stupid but why don't you try cutting something else. i chopped the hell of of an old stuffed animal and it helped a little.

Re: DAMN this regression! It was OVER...it was ove
Posted by Sara on Sat Oct 28 17:21:06 2000 (#1144)

Don is my boyfriend, and I'm so much in love with him...sometimes it makes me want to die, just so that he won't have to deal with all my poison anymore. And I've heard that before, to try cutting something else...but it never worked for me. My cutting doesn't only come from wanting the pain, I also need to see my blood...I've ripped things and punched pillows and sliced things...nothing matched the high of cutting my skin. God I'm so sick...

Re: DAMN this regression! It was OVER...it was ove
Posted by FallenAngel on Sun Oct 29 02:27:24 2000 (#1154)

It sounds like alternate sensations might work for you. Next time you want to cut--FIRST, try rubbing a wire brush across your arm...it'll hurt like hell but you aren't breaking the skin, so it's not self-harming. THEN, take a bottle of red food coloring and trace it over the spot you just rubbed. It looks just like blood. It sounds hokey, but I've used it before and it CAN help deal with the urge.

Re: DAMN this regression! It was OVER...it was ove
Posted by Ryann on Sun Oct 29 06:00:39 2000 (#1161)

I know what you mean about needing to see blood. icing the spot i wanted to cut worked temporarily, but as soon as the ice was gone, i wanted sharp objects...i don't think there's any substitute for me, other than another form of si...i was terribly depressed, bawling for no reason, feeling like a use for my razorblade was coming on...but my boyfriend starting fighting with me. i got so angry and kept yelling back things. he put up with me, and after about an hour of just plaintively arguing with things i said, my boyfriend had tired the depression right outta me. i dunno why or how that worked, but i'm thankful he's there for me. i'm glad the thought of don stopped the aspirin craze, maybe you should call him up next time? he cares enough about you and i'm sure he'd want you to talk rather than cut. keep tryin things, good luck ! ~Ryann

Re: DAMN this regression! It was OVER...it was ove
Posted by Sara on Sun Oct 29 22:43:56 2000 (#1170)

I'm glad you've found something that works for you...lately, I've been getting many different ideas about what I could do to keep from cutting, and I plan to try them all...I know Don would rather me call him than cut, it's just that urge again...sometimes I need to see the blood more than I want to call him so I WON'T see the blood. I cut again today in the car, 4 times on my wrist, soaked 3 more paper towels and felt so much better...I went to sleep for almost 2 hours after that. It's seeming more hopeless by the day, but each day I am also talking more and more to other people like me, and I feel that healing parts of me I had forgotten were still 'bloody' with my past. Thank you, everyone...I'm not giving up yet.

Re: DAMN this regression! It was OVER...it was ove
Posted by Sara on Sun Oct 29 22:39:20 2000 (#1169)

Thank you for this advice...I'll try it, I need all the substitutions I can get, at this point...

Today's near death experience...
Posted by Maggie on Sat Oct 28 10:03:05 2000 (#1142)

I am so stupid... My parents have gone away for the day, I had the house to myself, so why not get out some blades I thought to myself this morning. I went to the knife drawer twice looking for something sharp enough, but they just didn't do it for me. So I turned to my trusty razor blade and made a few small cuts to the usual place on my leg... not much blood, but i thought it would do. I went back to my study, and I was distracted and figured I had to take full advantage of my solitude. So I got the razor again and found an area close to a vein and sliced away. I eventually got to the surface of the vein, and I had managed to turn the bath water red. (I wasn't in the bath, just had hot water running on leg so the blood vessels would dilate. I had put the plug in to see how much blood I was losing... as macabre as I am). I figured enough was lost so I packed all my stuff up, and cleaned up the mess. But I just couldn't help myself. I had to get this damn vessel if it killed me... literally! I decided my hesitation was due to a blunt blade rather than cowardness, and so I smashed up another razor to get out a new blade. (it was actually rusty though and covered in old blood...but was nonetheless much sharper). So I sat down and tried again. After two lame attempts, I went for gold and struck lucky... dark blood spurted out. I soaked up two extra-strength tissues,blood was running down my leg faster than I could soak it. But I still wasn't satisfied... curiousity killed the cat and I wanted to be a cat... So I closed my eyes, pressed the blade to my leg and cut. I had got it that time, and suddenly it just gushed out. Like so fast that I freaked out and grabbed some teatowels to mop it all up. I really thought I was about to bleed to death. I didn't know if I really minded though. I want to be dead but I don't believe in suicide. But this is accidental!!! I quickly tried ringing my friends though, but my 10 closest ones weren't home. I even rang my old best friend who I had a fight with 5 months ago and hadn't spoken to her since to speak to her one last time in case I died. I was so dizzy, and the blood came through the towel... It is now 2 hours later, and somehow the blood isn't flowing so fast now. I don't think I will try my luck again tonight. I am feeling weak enough... I might just go take 100 iron tablets instead. That might make it all better. Is this the longest message ever? Sorry for wasting your time. I don't know why I even wrote this up. I guess I am saying that you probably have more control over your body than you may think. I probably only did this to prove to myself that I could really hurt myself seriously. It's still bleeding, I feel sick, maybe I am dead already??? Well that's my lot... Love always, Maggie.

A surge of anger
Posted by Kate on Sat Oct 28 17:14:07 2000 (#1143)

I just had a surge of anger. I threw my orange juice at the kitchen wall. My mom is pissed. I haven't cut for three months but then relapse for a day and quit for four days again. I am feeling the urge and i have so much anger. Is this normal? Will it go away.

Re: A surge of anger
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Oct 28 23:04:45 2000 (#1149)

I hadn't cut for months and suddenly around the first of October, I started again. I get the 'itch' to cut every so often, but I try to be around people if I can stand it at all. That way, I won't be as likely to cut, because they would see me do it. About the anger, it's normal. I'm no expert, but I've been angry enough to know that it will fade. Sometimes it builds up inside you and you just have to let it out. So you threw your orange juice against the wall, you're just getting it all out, or trying to. Try not to worry about your mom, she'll get over it, and so will you eventually.

Love, DB

Re: A surge of anger
Posted by Kate on Sun Oct 29 21:17:50 2000 (#1166)

Thankyou, You are a sweetheart and very smart. Talk to you later.

Maggie...
Posted by Nuni on Sat Oct 28 22:15:22 2000 (#1145)

How are you doing?? Did you get the blood To stop?

Re: Maggie...
Posted by Maggie on Sun Oct 29 05:17:11 2000 (#1159)

Thanks for the concern. Yeah it did eventually stop, but a little bit still comes out now and then. I must have lost heaps of blood though coz today I am really weak. Stupid me... I guess I somehow thought that taking this obsession to the limit would somehow ease my desire to do it again. I probably can't go much further and stay alive... but it hasn't helped me. My usual surface level cuts can hardly compete with what I now can do, and the adrenaline rush associated with having taken such a risk... like any addiction it will probably take even more next time to have the same effect. Oh well...

hey guys
Posted by laura rose on Sun Oct 29 01:23:50 2000 (#1153)

Um... so I'm not doing so well last night. My husband noticed that I had been cutting the hell out of myself again, and he freaked out on me. He yelled at me and told me how awful I am for doing such a thing to myself and my family. Yes, I know it is wrong that I have a child and cut myself ~ but he doesn't need to tell me ALL the time just how bad I am. He would rather I go back to anorexia.... does that make sense? *sigh*... I can't win. All his "helping" does, is make me cut more (which I have been doing all day). He doesn't believe that SI is a legitimate way to "cope" with things that have happened or are happening to you. Of course, when he has had a bad day and decides that he needs a drink, he sees nothing wrong with that.... since he doesn't do it all that often, it is ok, right? Um.... can someone explain to me the difference here? Or when he wants to get high on weed or shrooms... nothing is wrong with that, but I cut MYSELF and he thinks that I am a threat to everyone around me? Man... I don't get it. So... here I am ~ me and my razor and no desire to give my body a break tonight.

~laura

Re: hey guys
Posted by Nuni on Sun Oct 29 02:41:02 2000 (#1156)

Oh God Laura, You are right there is no difference..I am a recovered bulimic, and there is no way that can be compared... you are choosing your poison... as your husband does. Hang in there honey, I feel your pain, I sense the blade, but do give yourself a break... If I am wrong tell me..but you must have said or done somehting you "think" is stupid, so you cut yourself again, yeah that may set you back a bit, I speak for myself, but dont we punish ourselves enough.. I mean..damn, I have been fighting the urge to cut, I dont puke anynore even though I feel I need to, I cut when I "think" I need to, usually after a conversation with my mother..I have given up on explaining to those who call themselves my friends why we do what we do..its how we deal.. and I am starting to believe that we will stop when we are ready to. are you ready to stop??? I send you an electronic hug... I dont have children (yet) but I do have a husband (close enough) e-mail me if you would like to "talk"

Trying
Posted by FallenAngel on Sun Oct 29 02:36:49 2000 (#1155)

So I'm going on 3 days . . . and it's tearing me apart! I was supposed to have plans tonight--the first time in so long, and they fell through. I feel so rejected. Rejection is one of my biggest issues, and it doesn't help to be at home with my parents every weekend. I'm planning on calling some guy to see if he wants to hook up, but that's just another avenue of self-harm for me, so do I even deserve this "3 days"? I might not be cutting myself, but is hanging out my body for all to use, hoping to fill this huge void inside of me any better?

Re: Trying
Posted by Nuni on Sun Oct 29 02:50:02 2000 (#1158)

Wait, I know what its like to be trapped with your parents, so smothering...hang in there.. its an urge we fight from time to time... you are wise by admitting that hooking up with some guy would also be as damaging..keep writing on here you'll feel better... I like looking up famous quotes keep me a bit distracted..KEEP TRYING

no big deal
Posted by katie on Sun Oct 29 06:59:04 2000 (#1162)

well i hadn't cut in over a month, but i just did. only once. very slow and controlled and thus completely useless. now of course i would like to go back and slash at myself, fast and angry until it does some good. it doesn't really matter, it was only one cut, i can still hold out. i'm just so tired.

-katie

Fed up
Posted by Maggie on Sun Oct 29 08:40:58 2000 (#1163)

I don't know what to do... I just had a fight with my parents and they made it clear that I don't mean anything to them. So I packed up a suicide kit and locked myself in the bathroom... I had paper, pen, fav stuffed animal, walkman with fav music, and of course my razor. I started dissecting the cut I made last night that hit the vein. Then I wrote my farewell note... I was so about to kill myself, but I decided that I had to tell my parents what I thought of them first, so I came downstairs, and found they had gone out. Then my friend rang and I don't know if I can do this to them. I do have friends who really care about me... I hope I can get through this night

NOOOOO!
Posted by LOST on Sun Oct 29 10:36:16 2000 (#1164)

OH GIRL!!!!!! PLEASE JUST GET THROUGH THIS NIGHT and your thoughts will be different in the morning. I know how it is to be in your situation. go stay the night at your friends house or something. PLEASE don't stay by yourself tonight. E-Mail me if u need to vent, or anything or even just to talk. Just please don't do this tonight. There has to be SOMETHING that is worth living for... maybe your best friend or your dog or something. But think of something or someone that you love and just imagine how they would feel if you were gone. I hope you stay safe tonight and don't do anything to injure yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it me...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Oct 29 17:08:55 2000 (#1165)

or do the change in seasons make everyone more depressed than usual? I haven't cut since the 19th of this month, but I'm getting sadder. It's still warm in Tennessee right now. I guess it's the thoughts of winter and the bite in the air. Constant sinus headaches and colds, not being able to breath through my nose.... I hate winter and all the cold numbness of it all. I want to be someplace warm all year round. In the summer in Tennessee, it gets so hot you don't think you'll be able to stand it, but I get in the car and turn on the air conditioner and everything is alright again. In the winter, how am I supposed to feel good with all the barrenness? No leaves on the trees, having to let the car warm up before I can go anywhere. There's no room for doing things on the spur of the moment. You have to wait ten minutes after the idea hits you to do something before you can go do it because you'd probably die of hypothermia if you didn't let the damn car run for a while! Maybe it's me? Maybe this is off-topic, I don't know....

Love, DB

Re: Is it me...
Posted by FallenAngel on Sun Oct 29 21:18:58 2000 (#1167)

In my eyes...nothing here is off topic. If you're feeling it, then it's real. And anything real is worth talking about. If you feel your depression, it's real. And in this case, it even has a name. It's called seasonal affect disorder (I'm a psych major). Sometimes people get down when the seasons change...especially in the winter months. Why exactly this is, I'm not sure, but that's probably what's happening to you. It's chemical. It's also a drag. But try not to beat yourself up about it. First of all, give yourself permission to feel sad. Then, try to make yourself happy . . write poetry, read some of mine : ) (just kidding), or find a child to read to.

Re: Is it me...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Oct 29 23:08:46 2000 (#1171)

Thanks for justifying my depressive feelings. It's weird when even the weather makes you sad at times! You're a psych major? I want to study psychology maybe next year in college. I was wondering if you have discussed cutting in any of your classes. I would like to know how psychologists/ psychiatrists are taught to deal with people who SI. By the way, I've read some of your poetry. I love your writing. I'm gonna read more of it. Keep your pen handy, never know when inspiration will hit! I have to do that, or else I get angry that I can't write down every little thing....

Love, DB

And it's all my fault...
Posted by Violetcoil on Sun Oct 29 22:23:03 2000 (#1168)

I used to beat my little sister up pretty bad when she was younger. I know that it was wrong, but at the time it was the best way I knew of to deal with my frustration. She's always been (at least in my parents eyes) the perfect one, the good one, the cute one, the sane and normal one, and it used to make me so angry that they cared about her more. And when I was already upset to the point of wanting to slice, she would always taunt me, just a little bit more, pushing me over the edge.I don't hit her anymore,I haven't for a long time, but the pain that I inflicted on her from all the years of physical abuse is erupting from her now. She hates me, and she has every right to, I'm not begrudging her that. She treats me like shit, and it's uncalled for most of the time in the present situation, but no one else sees that. All they see is her acting out becuz of what I used to do to her. So in their it's justified, I deserve it and it's my own fault. I get told this all the time, and it's just making me feel worse and worse about myself. If I could take it back I would, but I know that I can't. So I try to move forward and change and treat her good, but it doesn't matter becuz they are still dwelling on the past, so I'm trapped here, where I lose no matter what I do or say. I don't know what to do anymore, I never really did, but it's just getting worse. It is all my fault, I know that, but I try to make amends in so many ways and she won't accept it, none of them will. What's the use of apologizing if they won't listen and they don't care? It's just worthless. I am worthless to them.

READ IT
Posted by MELISSA on Mon Oct 30 00:24:08 2000 (#1172)

IM NOT GETTING ANYWHERE. I STILL CUT AND I STILL WANT TO DIE BUT I FIGURE IF I WAS REALLY GONNA DO IT I WOULD BE DEAD ALREADY. AND IM NOT IM STILL LEADING THIS DREERY BORING SAD LIFE. AND I COME HERE EVERYDAY AND READ THSES ENTRIES. I FEEL SO SORRY FOR EVERYONE AND SO THANKFUL THAT OTHER PEOPLE CARE. BUT HOW MANY TIMES CAN A PERSON SAY THAT UNTIL THE WORDS JUST SOUND EMPTY AND MEANINGLESS? ITS ALWAYS THE SAME ENTRIES THE SAME STUFF I DONT MEAN TO AFFEND ANYBODY, BUT WHAT CAN ANYONE DO? I DONT THINK I CAN REALLY BE HELPED I DONT FEEL THE WORDS OF OTHER PEOPLE ANYMORE. SOME THINGS JUST CANT BE SOLVED, I GUESS I CAN EITHER LIVE WITH IT OR NOT LIVE AT ALL RIGHT? WELL RIGHT NOW IM LIVING WITH IT. I CUT, YEAH. I BLEED, YEAH. I HEAL, YUP. AND I START ALL OVER WANTING TO DAY HERE AND THERE. BUT I LIVE AND I LIVE EACH DAY. I THINK PROBLEM OR NO PROBLEM I SHOULD STILL HAVE FUN...NO MATTER HOW SAD AND LONELY I AM WHEN I GET HOME. I MEAN IT'S GONNA HAPPEN EITHER WAY, HAPPY OR NOT. SO WHY NOT, IN THAT SHORT MOMENT THAT YOU HAVE BEFORE YOU WANT TO CUT AGAIN THE SMALL MOMENT, WHY DONT YOU SPEND IT HAVING FUN, SMILING EVEN? I MEAN IF DO END UP LIVING THROUGH THIS WHOLE MESS, I DONT WANT TO DIE KNOW THAT I SPENT THE WHOLE TIME DWELLING ON A PROBLEM THAT I COULDNT FIX.

LUST A THOUGHT ALWAYS, MELISSA

Re: READ IT
Posted by blue rose on Mon Oct 30 01:02:08 2000 (#1173)

Melissa, I am so sorry I wasn't here to talk to you. I wish I could tell you what I'm feeling right now but it is indescribable. Your pain is making me hurt too. I'm sorry that there is nothing I can say to make things good. It took me a long time to realize what everything is worth. The whole world is waiting, new experiences, new people, everything is so new. I wish I could share everything I've learned in the past 2 months just to make you see that this dreary boring sad life is not all there is. I honestly don't usually care about people, their feelings and situations don't affect me. I suppose I'm selfish in that way, but when a person touches my soul like you have it makes my heart hurt to know that there is nothing I can do to save you. Take this to heart, my friend, because everything I say is sincere. And, please, stay safe.

Re: READ IT
Posted by Sara on Mon Oct 30 02:09:59 2000 (#1174)

I know...I think you just put a lot into words that many of us are afraid to say. What CAN anyone really do? I know that's how I think all the time, but I never say those words because some people really are trying...but like you said, it becomes empty after a while, after people have truly tried their hardest and you haven't gotten better...you lose hope, I know this. I'm sick of living, but will I continue? Hell yeah I will. I think that is just because I'm so fucking stubborn that after fighting this, even though I WANT to give it up now, I know I will have wasted these years, and I dont' want to do it. I won't let them win...I will NOT become a statistic. I'll live unhappily and perpetually bleeding before I kill myself off and become a 'sad story' for people to think back on. I hear ya when you say a lot of the things people say have become meaningless...I know how that goes, all too well...and I guess all I can say is good luck...

Re: READ IT
Posted by Linda on Mon Oct 30 04:13:18 2000 (#1176)

Melissa, I have been quiet for a while, but I am still here and still hurting everytime I read another post. I do care, but, like you said, after a while words become meaningless. I know that each of you could be helped if you could reach out and take the help extended, but really, until you all want help more than life itself, I have begun to think it is hopeless.

Re: READ IT
Posted by katie on Mon Oct 30 05:24:14 2000 (#1177)

sometimes it does seem hopeless. sometimes i think i'm just afraid to take any help. my friends know now, they've told me they know, they worry, they want to talk to me. and i am so incredibly grateful and i still can't go to them. nothing ever gets bad enough that i think it merits bothering other people. and i have been able to stop cutting for over a month on my own, although i did cut once last night, which was disappointing. i imagine i could stop by myself. but maybe it's more important for me to first learn to go to other people than to stop cutting. both are ideal, obviously.

i always feel like this is such a selfish habit, and i should just stop, and stop worrying everyone, and if i go ask them to help me it will only hurt them. that is the last thing in the world i want to do, ever. anything before that.

i may have had a point at the beginning of this post, but i've certainly lost it by now. sorry sorry.

-katie

Re: READ IT (linda)
Posted by NUNI on Mon Oct 30 06:05:37 2000 (#1178)

Hi Linda, Although you have indeed helped me at times when I felt totally hopeless, I have to say I think you probably figured it out... I honesetly believe thay when each one of us is actually ready to stop this addiction we will, like those who drink, smoke, drug addicts etc... it has to come from within us...

Chain reaction
Posted by Maggie on Mon Oct 30 03:08:53 2000 (#1175)

Things just keep getting better! I decided last night NOT to kill myself for various hollow reasons. (even though i was seriously considering it). Then one of my best friends rang me up. She then told me that she tried killing herself 2 nights before. We had spoken twice since then and she never mentioned it - neither had any of my other friends. Apparently she took a whole packet of strong painkillers at uni - text messaged a friend "I will be dead by the time you read this" and passed out. So my friends ran around uni looking for her, and found her all delirious in the uni bar. they called the ambulance and got her stomach pumped!!! Nobody told me because she and I had made a pact that if either of committed suicide, the other would too. So everyone kept quiet about it...thinking I would do it to. How funny it was that even before she told me I was just about to do the same thing anyway.

Re: Chain reaction
Posted by Nuni on Mon Oct 30 06:08:26 2000 (#1179)

Maggie, being a psych student and all i think you know you arent making good decisons or rationalizing (who am i to talk) but are you getting help or going solo on you quest for self-awareness??

Re: Chain reaction
Posted by Maggie on Mon Oct 30 09:50:56 2000 (#1182)

I can rationalise everybody elses situation, but when it comes to my own, the criteria is different. I think suicide is all wrong, but sometimes I can actually convince myself (and really believe it too) that it is the right choice for me. Anybody else... a waste of life, unjustifiable. But my death, in my eyes, would be ridding the world of something that has been an obstacle to other peoples happiness. If I weren't here people wouldn't be wasting their time on me... I don't want to kill myself, but how I pray that I will die some way... terminal illness, accident, murder... Yeah well, I did book myself for a consultation at the loony place, and they were nice. I've been just the once, but I am going to a psychiatrist on Saturday. I don't think they can help me. Even if the drugs/therapy stop me cutting, it wont change my environment. It will just be my response that changes, but it will be false happiness/control. Who knows...

Re: Chain reaction
Posted by Nuni (maggie) on Mon Oct 30 16:13:32 2000 (#1183)

You totoally described where I am. I see a psychiatrist and I am constantly doubting the reasons why he helps me. I mean, I feel like I am too wasting his time. He says that he can help me, and then what I think is "why ? " I am not wanting to live, I dotn want to kill myself, I just dont want to be inanyones way, I feel like such a burden.. Its so confusing.. my emotions. I tols him I would be dead by the age of thirty and then, he asked me how I was going to die? I replid probably some freak accident or some other illness but not by suicide. I feel so out of control, and my cutting is what is all mine, my power source I suppose. Thanks for filling me in on you insight, I dont feel so alone!!

Re: Chain reaction
Posted by melissa on Tue Oct 31 00:57:53 2000 (#1187)

thats creepy!!!

Chain reaction (melissa)
Posted by Nuni on Tue Oct 31 03:36:23 2000 (#1190)

Melissa, What is creepy? and being a cutter how could you judge, we are here to accept one another for what we do... and why..maybe you ought to rethink what you are saying, If you find one of us creepy, then that maybe we all are..and its the las thing we need.. We love you and accept you...we dont judge!!

Re: Chain reaction (NUNI)
Posted by Lost on Tue Oct 31 04:13:55 2000 (#1191)

I think u might have taken what Melissa said in a wrong way. I don't think she meant that in a mean way. When I read it, i interpreted it as her thinking that it was creepy that u thought that u would die before the age of 30 and that u thought it would be in a freak accident. Not creepy like "ooohhh thats sick picturing urself dead at 30" but maybe more like "that would be really creepy to picture yourself dead" But I could be wrong. I don't know. Thats just the way I saw it.

Anyway, I know what you're talking about when it comes to not thinking you'll live to a certain age. I just don't see myself living past 19. I don't want to kill myself either anymore... but sometimes I wish I would be at the wrong place at the wrong time... and just get shot on "accident". i think that that may be the reason that I chill in neighborhoods where getting shot at is a common occurence. I don't know... maybe I'm just a dumb little girl.

Re: Chain reaction
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Oct 31 04:40:45 2000 (#1192)

I don't think Melissa meant it in a bad way either. I understand what you all are talking about when you imagine dying young. For years I've felt that I would not reach old age. I always figured that I would die in an unusual way. I never understood why I felt this way. I wasn't imagining how I would like to die, but I felt like I couldn't have so many problems and live for a very long time. I just took it as fact that I would die young. Of course, I don't know when I will die, and really don't want to know. I was always fairly sure that I would die by someone else's hand. Shooting, stabbing, poisoning, whatever.... Or it could have been some horrible disease that did me in. I just felt death coming from a young age. Maybe that's just my hypocondria coming out. I used to be a raging hypocondriac. The first time I ever heard of AIDS as a child, I automatically assumed I had it..... I haven't felt that way lately, though. Maybe the demons inside me are calm for now. They used to scream a lot and I couldn't stop them. It's ironic....for people who have become so numb that we draw our own blood to prove that we are still living, we feel an awful damn lot, don't we?

Love, DB

Re: Chain reaction
Posted by Nuni (everyone) on Tue Oct 31 06:09:20 2000 (#1193)

Hey guys, Maybe I was a little hard on Melissa.. I do think about it a lot..I didnt expect a reaction..not anyting like this. The line of work I do always puts me at risk.. I have travelled to foreign countries where I often imagined that something would happen to me.. I use to imagine falling over board off my ship(navy) and when I use to stand watch I had to carry a weapon and yet never thought of killing myself.. I did draw a lot of blood though .. I dont know I am so at peace with the thought that I may never live have a child, or that I may never live to see my husband grow old. I guess if I take a moment or two to RATIONALIZE about me having three years to live I suppose that does sound creepy..sorry Melissa..

Re: Chain reaction (melissa)
Posted by melissa on Wed Nov 1 21:37:51 2000 (#1212)

wow chill out!!! i meant that it was weird that that happened like that not that shes creepy!! hey listen dont get an attitude ok i have one of my own. if theres one thing ive never done its judged a person i dont like it and i dont do it.

melissa

a little thought
Posted by Don on Mon Oct 30 06:41:36 2000 (#1180)

i dunno how many people in here belive in God or anything but i read sumthing very interesting. it said that God has more of a love for you people than he does for others b/c u people cann assocciate more with his pain than anyone else and that he has a very special place for you. i dunno if this will help any one or not but i thought it was a nice thought. ok bye bye. i love all of you and especially Sara. e-mail if u need anything, anyone

Re: a little thought
Posted by Nuni on Mon Oct 30 07:01:51 2000 (#1181)

My pain...hmm inner turmoil that I cant explain, I express it in SI...express or feel..no NUMB yes... Thank you DON, I hope you continue to post..there is love for you TOO!!

Re: a little thought
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Oct 30 21:11:34 2000 (#1184)

That's a nice thought, Don. Thanks for sharing it with us. I hope that it's true. I also want to say that I'm glad Sara has someone who doesn't judge her for what she has to do. I've just started reading a book called A Bright Red Scream. I'm already learning things about the cutting I didn't know. Maggie told me about it and it's really good. I think it's good to have a non-cutter around to talk to. You and Linda are the only ones I know of on this board who don't cut. It's good to have someone to ask questions about talking to non-cutters about this kind of thing. It's so scary to think about telling someone what cutting is about.

Love, DB

Re: a little thought
Posted by Sara on Mon Oct 30 21:44:07 2000 (#1185)

Thank you for posting here again baby...DB is right, if you stick around maybe you can add one more bit of insight into our little community...and our secret lives. It is a nice thought, and I believe that we are watched out for a little extra too, because there is so much to deal with...it wouldn't be fair any other way. Of course, life isn't always fair...

thoughts of suicide
Posted by laura rose on Mon Oct 30 22:16:37 2000 (#1186)

Well, I've realized something. My SI keeps me from killing myself. And you know what? I have not cut myself in 2 days.... enough said.

~laura

Re: thoughts of suicide
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Oct 31 03:09:59 2000 (#1189)

Laura,

Please be okay. I think I'm at a loss for words and I don't know what to say right now. Sometimes there aren't enough words. Words will never be enough for some of us.... Remember I love you.

Love, DB

The word "HOPE"
Posted by Sara on Tue Oct 31 02:03:05 2000 (#1188)

I was thinking earlier...and I talked to Don about this a little bit...the word 'hope' is overused. Did anyone ever stop to think about what HOPE really means? It's the only thing keeping some people alive!!! I cringe when I hear people say "I really hope the team wins the game..." or "I hope everyone can make it to my house on Friday!" It drives me crazy because the meaning of that word just goes so much deeper...people like us HOPE to make it through the night, we HOPE we won't bleed too much...we HOPE to be able to get through the pain...and when we lose that hope, nothing is worth trying for anymore. Isn't that part of people's problems today, I mean people at large...they don't know what they're really hoping for? I'm a 14 year old girl and I'm hoping for life...it's just wrong...

Re: The word "HOPE"
Posted by Ryann on Wed Nov 1 23:46:48 2000 (#1218)

i think about those things...i started bawling when i read it though....

Re: The word "HOPE"
Posted by Sara on Thu Nov 2 13:17:14 2000 (#1225)

I'm sorry....I didn't mean to make you cry....I'm so sorry.

loss for words
Posted by laura rose on Tue Oct 31 09:19:05 2000 (#1194)

Hey guys. I probably should not be posting this, but things are bad right now. Too much to take and I can't do it anymore. All of you have been really sweet to me ~ especially you, Lori.. *hugs*... I will miss you... Please guys.. don't be like me... don't do what I am about to do.. My life won't get better, but yours will... Take care.

Re: loss for words
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Oct 31 17:17:19 2000 (#1195)

I don't even know what to say. I just hope you reply to this.....

Love, DB

About Laura Rose
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Nov 1 00:28:24 2000 (#1196)

I just got an e-mail from Laura's mother saying she tried to commit suicide. Her husband found her and called 911. She is in the hospital now and not doing very well. Her mother sent an e-mail to everyone in her address book to tell them about her situation. I gave her the address to this site and I hope she posts to tell us about how Laura is doing. I know that not everyone here is religious but if you are, please pray for Laura tonight. She's one of the best friends I have even though we live 3000 miles apart.

Love, DB

Re: About Laura Rose
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 1 01:30:21 2000 (#1197)

My thoughts are with you DB, and I am looking forward to knowing if Laura Rose is doing well.

Re: About Laura Rose
Posted by Sara on Wed Nov 1 02:30:54 2000 (#1198)

Oh man...if only...woah if I had been here, on this board, if she needed to talk...oh I'm so sorry DB, I know how this is for you...we are here for you and I will have Laura Rose in my prayers...please let us know anything at all, if you find anything out, much love...

Re: About Laura Rose
Posted by Linda on Wed Nov 1 02:39:54 2000 (#1199)

I talked to Laura only one time. She sent me a picture and she is such a beautiful girl. I'm sure people who know her can not understand her torment. I will most assuredly be praying for she and her husband and little boy and her parents also. We will have lost a very talented person if she does not survive.

Re: About Laura Rose
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Nov 1 03:30:55 2000 (#1200)

okay, Laura's mom e-mailed me again. She said that Laura's son is doing fine, but he wants to see Laura. He's so young they won't let him see her, but other than that, he will be fine. Laura's mom says she may come home in a few days but things are still very up in the air right now. I get the impression that she will make it, but she has never done anything this drastic before. Good news though, her mother wants to help in any way she can. Like I said, I told her about this site and maybe she will visit it and learn about cutting. Thanks to all of you who responded and care about Laura. I know her family appreciates it and for what it's worth, so do I. I hope that if Laura visits this board again she won't be upset with me for telling everyone about her situation. I suppose that if she didn't want anyone to know, she wouldn't have posted about feeling suicidal and actually going through with it. Anyway, thanks again for caring. I'll post more when I find out something, maybe in the morning.

Love, DB

Re: About Laura Rose
Posted by Darkrose on Wed Nov 1 04:58:51 2000 (#1201)

She has my prayers. I don't know what else to say besides that.

Re: About Laura Rose
Posted by Neal on Wed Nov 1 10:58:11 2000 (#1204)

I just read the message Lauras mom sent me. I just hope that she pulls through ok. I spoke to her a few times but didn't really know her. I just know that she is an amazing person and know that a lot of people care and are thinking of her. If anyone gets anymore information about her please let me know. Although I'm not at all religious my thoughts and prayers are with you Laura. I hope you get through this

Re: About Laura Rose
Posted by Sara on Wed Nov 1 13:44:17 2000 (#1205)

Still praying she gets better...there is nothing else to say, I guess...

Someone loves me
Posted by Christine on Wed Nov 1 05:49:38 2000 (#1202)

Well I havent posted in a while but I'm not doing good.I'v gotten so bad that I cut almost every day.There is a guy friend of mine that likes me more than just a friend.He noticed my cuts and bruses. He told m e how pretty I'am an I would be so much prettyer if I stoped Then last nite feeling like nothing was going to get better I was on the edge I figured I'd talk to him. he told me he loved me .I asked him why he liked me.I was like look at my arms my legs I'm just one big scar and he told be that behind my scars there was a even more beautiful girl and it didnt matter what I looked like.I was the sweetest kindest person alive and he wanted me here,and he told me he loved me.Hes gonna help me stop cutting and I went the whole day today w/ out cutting I'm so proud I'm gonna quit ok Its getting late gotta go BYE!

Re: Someone loves me
Posted by empty remains on Wed Nov 1 15:51:36 2000 (#1206)

i'm really glad you found someone! and that you haven't cut. if i may ask though is you last name rambo? you sound like her so much, she was an old friend. that was why i was wondering...well very glad to hear that things are working out for you!!

Re: Someone loves me
Posted by Christine on Thu Nov 2 11:10:18 2000 (#1224)

Nope thats not my last name.

damnit i am so lost
Posted by empty_remains on Wed Nov 1 09:47:27 2000 (#1203)

i am 22 days late. and i go for a blood test in a day. i talked about having a child with sam and he doesn't think we could do it now, and i guess in a way he's right. but shit i couldn't bring myself to kill our child..and i just don't know what to do. everyone knows that it will turn out that i am. so i have to deicide what to do and i'm scared to death. i've been thinking about suicide for weeks, and i really think sometimes that it would make sam's life so much easier. i am just so lost right now..

Re: damnit i am so lost
Posted by Lost on Wed Nov 1 21:26:39 2000 (#1210)

You said that you couldn't bring urself to kill ur child... but sweetie, if YOU die, the child also does... so it defeats the purpose right? YOU want to die... but u want ur child to live... it doesn't work like that. I've had pregnancy scares before... and I've also been pregnant (misscarriages both times) and I know how scared u must be... but things get worse before they get better so just hold on girl. I know there's something worth living for... your unborn child.

Re: damnit i am so lost
Posted by empty remains on Thu Nov 2 09:01:13 2000 (#1223)

many thanks for what you said!! but i know i can't have it so..i fiuger if it has to die then why shouldn't i.

More on Laura
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Nov 1 18:35:17 2000 (#1207)

Laura's mom wrote me again this morning. It turns out that Laura isn't doing as well everyone first thought. She still isn't awake yet. Her mother says it's like she doesn't want to stay here. I feel so helpless because I can't go see her and I want to so badly. Knowing we all care about her helps, though. I am scared that she won't live. I still don't know how she tried to kill herself, but the method isn't important. She talked about having access to guns but they weren't in her house. I don't really know what else to say. I know her parents would appreciate the kind thoughts and prayers. I'll post again when I know more. I hope it will be better news next time. I've never broken the news of someone's death before. She's such a good writer, you know. I got to read a lot of her poetry and every thing I read just amazed me. She wrote one about me a few days ago and I can't help but wonder of she was trying to say good-bye even then...... Laura please come back to us.

Love, DB

Laura's awake!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Nov 1 20:58:10 2000 (#1208)

Good news everybody! Our prayers are working it seems. Laura's mom wrote and told me that she is awake and breathing on her own now. She is out on the Intensive Care Unit now. Her mom says she isn't out of the woods yet, but there is hope now. I'm so glad she has a chance. I asked her mom to take Laura the Sarah McLachlan CD she loves and she said she would. Laura loves SM and I hope it will make her feel a little better. I think you guys have all been great about sending your good thoughts. I know Laura will appreciate it when she finds out. I know I feel better knowing I have all of you to talk to about this. Keep praying, we can help her, I know it. Let you know more when I know something.

Love to every one of you, DB

Re: Laura's awake!
Posted by katie on Wed Nov 1 21:24:09 2000 (#1209)

Thanks for keeping us posted...

my prayers are with Laura.

-katie

Re: Laura's awake!
Posted by Sara on Wed Nov 1 21:30:57 2000 (#1211)

WONDERFUL!!!!!!!! This is AWESOME NEWS! The best thing I've heard all day, that's for sure...Lase night was a very special night for me, the reason why is a long story, but we'll just say I had one wish, and I made it for Laura Rose. My prayers are with her and I'm so hopeful that everything turns out alright...stay strong, DB. We're here for you. Much Love~Sara~

Re: Laura's awake!
Posted by Mariel on Wed Nov 1 22:09:57 2000 (#1215)

Everyone i feel such sorrow for Laura....although i may not know her...and i just picked up on these posts...I am very very sorry!! And i feel extremely scared for her. Please everyone...keep me updated on how she is doing. (ive been a cutter for 6 years...and have tried to kill myself too many times to know the way she feels inside!) Please everyone...let me know!! Love Mariel

Re: Laura's awake! (DB)
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 2 02:53:35 2000 (#1221)

I am glad to here she is doing better. DB, you have been a true friend to Laura you too deserve a big hug From all of us.. Thanks for posting on her status. Dont forget to take care of yourself too!! Much Love, Big Sis NUNI

Re: Laura's awake! (DB)
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Nov 2 18:53:09 2000 (#1226)

Awww, thanks. You know I love you all!

Love, DB

laura rose and DB
Posted by melissa on Wed Nov 1 21:55:00 2000 (#1213)

im sorry i havent posted anything, i havent been online lately. i feel so shitty about all this. i dont really know her but its still really sad to hear something like that. my thoughts and prayers are with her. im ignostic, it means i have my doubts about god and all that. but when something like this happens i just dont know what else to do and i will pray for her. just as others prayed for me when i was in her position. i understand what everyone is going through including laura. and i hope to "god" she makes it.

my post
Posted by melissa on Wed Nov 1 22:01:00 2000 (#1214)

am i hypicritical? am i stupid? do i sound like i mean it (i do)? am i selfish for asking these "am i's" when laura is lying in a hospital bed? just because i want to die does that mean i cant say that someone else shouldnt? you dont have to answer this. i just needed to get a few questions out.

always, melissa

Re: my post
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Nov 1 23:24:51 2000 (#1216)

Melissa, You're not selfish at all and you're not stupid or hypocritical either. I know that you care about Laura and everyone on this board. If you didn't, you wouldn't pray for anyone when they need help. That's a big deal, since you have doubts about God. I think you respect others very much and understand what so many of us go through because you've been there, too. I know how you feel about not wanting anyone to die, but at the same time feeling it would be okay if you died. I have only been suicidal once, but never attempted it because my mother sat right beside me the whole time. I wanted to die, but I would be so hurt if someone in my family committed suicide. I guess it's because I have problems and I know that the rest of my family doesn't have quite as many and they would have a chance of a happy life if given the chance. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. I just feel like if someone said, Okay, someone in this family has to volunteer to die or everyone will die instead, I would want it to be me. I think it's the most selfless feeling in the world. After all, isn't that what Jesus did? I don't know anything about your views on Jesus, but whether you see him as a savior or a teacher, he was a great person. I don't know if any of what I said makes sense. It does when it's in my head, but when I try to write it down, well, you know?!? anyway, please know that I mean well, if I'm not very eloquent about it!

Love, DB

Re: my post
Posted by Linda on Wed Nov 1 23:26:52 2000 (#1217)

No, Melissa, just confused! It's not bad to ask questions. Some of those questions really do need answers and there are answers to them. "Seek and ye SHALL find..."

"i'm fine".....was....
Posted by Ryann on Wed Nov 1 23:57:26 2000 (#1219)

so i've cut myself 2ce in the past week...ok, maybe more than that...i don't understand...i was fine!!!!! i thought i was finally on the road to recovery, i mean, i know there are setbacks....but why do they hurt so much? i'm sad for no reason all the time again...and now i dont even need reasons to cut, lately, i just do because it's there. i want to cry...but i can't cry. decently anyway. this is all my fault...why am i f**king this up? today in practice, my coach started scolding me for eating when i should've been setting up bars..even though all of us were eating..and i came out to help too late...so i finished my food, went to the bathroom, and made myself throw it all up. i always said i'd never do that, that i never could. but i did despite...a mess is no one to be proud of...a mess is no one to congradulate...a mess is who i've been for 8 years...a mess is just that-- so is this living? is this what i've survived hell to feel? i'm searching for hammer, but i can't find one...maybe it's in deciding who'd win a fight...the depression or the girl underneath it...but who IS that? once i find her, how do i hold on?.....i just need something...and i don't even know what i need anymore. sorry for thinking out loud...it wasnt even thinking really....~Ryann

Re: "i'm fine".....was....
Posted by katie on Thu Nov 2 02:39:21 2000 (#1220)

hey ryann...

i'm sorry to hear that; i know how you feel. i've cut a couple of times this week after not doing it for over a month. and i haven't had any real reasons, either. i guess we just have to remember it's only temporary, that they are just setbacks. the girl underneath comes and goes, but she's always there, i keep reminding myself. it just makes it harder when i'm all right, to remember that i wasn't before, and that i'll most likely go back there again. and right now... i don't know. i cut a little bit today, but i'm okay, and i'm trying not to think about it too much. (like you said in another post: if i start thinking, i won't stop...) it comes and goes. maybe we just have to learn to wait it out. or to go to someone else until we're all right... that's the hard part.

anyway. i've got to get started on my work... but take care, and e-mail me if you want to.

-katie-

silly girl
Posted by blue rose on Thu Nov 2 08:55:28 2000 (#1222)

here i am again. all broken and bloodied. blood all over my arm. blood all over my hand. i am not too sure how much i can lose without passing out. i have fallen once again and i've never been so happy about it. maybe i am crazy. i love this, i don't ever want to leave it again. my happy little friend that never ever ever leaves me. only when you've lost everything are you free to do anything. nothing is static.

Re: silly girl
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 2 23:12:01 2000 (#1228)

I feel the same way... this is my secret... except you guys.. anyway.. my stomach so slashed.. I hadnt cut in almost 2 1/2 weeks.. I feel so soothed, sedated! :(

Re: silly girl
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 2 23:12:21 2000 (#1230)

I feel the same way... this is my secret... except you guys.. anyway.. my stomach so slashed.. I hadnt cut in almost 2 1/2 weeks.. I feel so soothed, sedated! :(

hi
Posted by don on Thu Nov 2 22:51:44 2000 (#1227)

sorry i havent been here in awhile. laura i am praying for you too. sara told me about everything and i have prayed for you and still am. i love each and every one of you and to Sara i am truly truly sorry even though i know ur def. of sorry. but i will talk to all of you L8R. e-mail if i can help with anything love, don

Re: hi
Posted by Sara on Fri Nov 3 01:29:23 2000 (#1232)

Not much to say I guess, you said it all...come back to us Laura Rose...it's not even the same board without you...

hey guys
Posted by laura rose on Thu Nov 2 23:12:10 2000 (#1229)

oh my God... you guys are the best... Lori.... what words are there for me to use? I don't know what to say... I never thought people cared. I'm just in tears over reading all of these messages. Please guys.... what I did was wrong. I have never come this close to death before... well, maybe I have, but not like this.. not on my terms. Don't ever try to do what I did. People do love you, and I found that out the hard way. I love you guys.. and I am here for you ~ and I intend to be here for you for a long time.... Thank you all... especially you, Lori... thank you.

Re: hey guys
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 2 23:26:00 2000 (#1231)

I am glad you are back!! We were worried about you. In a way I understand, we all have our reasons. We are here, and we will continue to be, big hugs and welcome back!!!

I need to say goodbye...important for everyone
Posted by Sara on Fri Nov 3 01:50:24 2000 (#1233)

I needed to write tonight to say goodbye, because I can't be responsible from here on out...if I do something to myself that can't be reversed, I just needed to have said goodbye, thank you, and so much love...thoughts of suicide have clogged every cell in my brain in the past weeks, and I'm fighting so hard...but no one is perfect. If the night comes when I have to give in, I'm sorry to all the people I hurt...I never meant to hurt anyone. Not like this...not in any way. It seems that my cutting affects no one but me, anyway---no one feels or understands my pain, it changes no one's life...only mine, just me...when all I want is someone to CARE. I don't want it to HURT anyone, but I wish it could CHANGE something...I wish I got more than "oh that IS too bad..." or "WHY DON'T YOU JUST STOP DOING IT?" It isn't that EASY, and all I'm asking is that they understand, for once, please... So I'm saying goodbye early, perhaps to leave a lesson behind...so that if something happens, this will be here like a piece of my clothing or whiff of my perfume, telling everyone how much they mean to me...but telling them NOT to give up, as I did. See now I'm just babbling and I don't know where I'm going with this...I guess the whole point was to say I love you. Each and every one of you. I love you for what you've been through and where you're going, how strong you've been and for what you've still got to fight...and I love you for what you've been to me, through my own struggle...I wouldn't have made it this far without being able to talk to all of you about my pain...this is the only place in the world where I feel totally accepted, for who I am and what I do...more than once, I've described this board as a community, and that's still how I think of it...as a town where I can come to live, if only for a while, and be ACCEPTED during my stay. I'm understood here, and I don't have that anywhere else on earth...so one more time---thank you, I love you...and goodbye, for someday...

Re: I need to say goodbye...important for everyone
Posted by Don on Fri Nov 3 02:01:46 2000 (#1234)

baby i love you more than anything. i care sooooo much abotu you and so does everyone else here. i love you. i want nothing more than for you to be happy. and honey the only way we can be happy is if u stay alive long enough for us to carry out our plans and to be happy. if i am the only reason u can find to stay alive then do it for me. i alogn with everyone else in here does NOT want to see you go. you have sooooooo much in store for you. hoeny I Love You sooo much, I will be praying for you and I am sure everyone else will be too once they read this. I Love YOU!!!!! Saty alive, even if its just for me. Love eternally, don

Re: I need to say goodbye...important for everyone
Posted by NUNI (SARA!!!) on Fri Nov 3 04:03:12 2000 (#1236)

Sara, You described everything I have been feeling for thepas weeks. You are courageous in the fact that you expressed yourself. I think by the fact that you posted tells me you are struggling with something within you, and are resisting it. I read where you say you are not understood. Then tells us here. We are doing this becuase of the human instinct to survive. and yet we continue to kill ourselves slowly.. hang in there little one, we are here for you. IF you need anything e-mail me!! Big hugs extended to you so you know we care!!!! Nuni

Re: I need to say goodbye...important for everyone
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Nov 3 18:09:23 2000 (#1246)

Sara, We love you so much and don't want you to leave. If you're afraid that something you do will influence us in a negative way, please don't worry about that. We do negative things anyway. If you feel comfortable here, then by all means, stay. Maybe someone here can help or you could help someone else and feel good about that. Don seems to care very much for you. He wants you to stay. Please listen to him, I think he is sincere. Not many people who don't cut are that dedicated. Only two non-cutters come here, Don and Linda and we're lucky to have them. Don loves you, and so do the rest of us.

Love, DB

Re: I need to say goodbye...important for everyone
Posted by Sara on Fri Nov 3 22:42:18 2000 (#1249)

Thank you so much to Don and Nuni and DB for writing back and telling me how much you care...it helps so much to read those words...because deep down, no matter how much I resist it, I do believe I'm loved. Like I said, it was just in case...but now I'm trying not to worry about it, because all you said is true. I am resisting this urge and I'm staying here because I do feel accepted...and because I have that nowhere else, it's because of this board that I'm still alive...it's because of all of you for loving me. So thank you thank you thank you...I'm fighting this, and I want all of you to know that you can come to me too, if you need me...if you ever need to talk. I'm one of the youngest here, I know, but I'm on your level, and I will do anything I can to help you be strong...because you've helped me too.

DON'T GIVE UP
Posted by For Ever A Child of God on Fri Nov 3 23:41:41 2000 (#1251)

I just read your message, please don't give up this fight with depression, you will give up not just your life, but also bring down those who love you, suicide leads others to suicide, fight this, please fight :(

I have done this for all my life, you can do the same, I am here with you, reach out for my hand, we can walk together in this fight

Re: DON'T GIVE UP
Posted by Sara on Sun Nov 5 06:06:43 2000 (#1272)

Thank you...your words mean too much for me to express...thank you for reaching out to me...we'll make it. I'm not going to give up.

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