Please note: This site will look much better in a browser that supports web standards, but it is accessible to any browser or Internet device.

You are here: Home > Archive > Ratatosk.net Forum > Threads 351 to 400

Threads 351 to 400

??????
Posted by ????? on Fri Nov 3 03:55:58 2000 (#1235)

i want to die tonight!!! i hate myself and i hate my life. good bye Lost, good bye Blue Rose. i love you dont miss me you'll be ok. if i survive be mad all you want.

?????

She Doesnt Care
Posted by Christine on Fri Nov 3 04:48:34 2000 (#1237)

It was mad perfectly clear to me the other nite by my mom that she didnt care wether I cut.She was being mean and putting down my brother so I stood up 4 him.My mom decided to turn her anger on me and she pointed out all my weak points and every mistake.I told her to get out of my room and I slamed the door behind her and she turns back to the door and she goes why dont you just go cut yourself slice and dice Chrissy.She went on and started telling me she didnt care if I cut and that I should go back to the hospital cuz I was a phycotic bitch.I opened the door and she was walking away so I kicked her in her ass as hard as I could and went to my room and cried.Well neddless to say I cut.Then last niteshe took my brotherto the mall he got his hair cut and a bunch of new clothes when I havent gotten my hair cut in 4 months.Then this morning I asked if she got me any thing and shes like I got u what u diserve...Nothing.Then ripped the tag of a new shirt and asked me what I thought of it like she haddent said anything. I really hate my momand I hate "Normall People" to.I sit in the back of the room and try to avoid people and they still say shit and I hate the world and I'm sorry I'm going on but I didn't have a good day.Here is also the only place I can talk about how I feel.Ohhh My god shes at it again !!!!I think I should just put myself out of my missery

She Doesnt Care
Posted by Christine on Fri Nov 3 04:51:51 2000 (#1238)

It was mad perfectly clear to me the other nite by my mom that she didnt care wether I cut.She was being mean and putting down my brother so I stood up 4 him.My mom decided to turn her anger on me and she pointed out all my weak points and every mistake.I told her to get out of my room and I slamed the door behind her and she turns back to the door and she goes why dont you just go cut yourself slice and dice Chrissy.She went on and started telling me she didnt care if I cut and that I should go back to the hospital cuz I was a phycotic bitch.I opened the door and she was walking away so I kicked her in her ass as hard as I could and went to my room and cried.Well neddless to say I cut.Then last nite she took my brother to the mall he got his hair cut and a bunch of new clothes when I havent gotten my hair cut in 4 months.Then this morning I asked if she got me any thing and shes like I got u what u diserve...Nothing.Then ripped the tag of a new shirt and asked me what I thought of it like she haddent said anything. I really hate my mom and I hate "Normall People" to.I sit in the back of the room and try to avoid people and they still say shit and I hate the world and I'm sorry I'm going on but I didn't have a good day.Here is also the only place I can talk about how I feel.Ohhh My god shes at it again !!!!I think I should just put myself out of my missery

She Doesnt Care
Posted by Christine on Fri Nov 3 04:52:14 2000 (#1239)

It was made perfectly clear to me the other nite by my mom that she didnt care wether I cut.She was being mean and putting down my brother so I stood up 4 him.My mom decided to turn her anger on me and she pointed out all my weak points and every mistake.I told her to get out of my room and I slamed the door behind her and she turns back to the door and she goes why dont you just go cut yourself slice and dice Chrissy.She went on and started telling me she didnt care if I cut and that I should go back to the hospital cuz I was a phycotic bitch.I opened the door and she was walking away so I kicked her in her ass as hard as I could and went to my room and cried.Well neddless to say I cut.Then last nite she took my brother to the mall he got his hair cut and a bunch of new clothes when I havent gotten my hair cut in 4 months.Then this morning I asked if she got me any thing and shes like I got u what u diserve...Nothing.Then ripped the tag of a new shirt and asked me what I thought of it like she haddent said anything. I really hate my mom and I hate "Normall People" to.I sit in the back of the room and try to avoid people and they still say shit and I hate the world and I'm sorry I'm going on but I didn't have a good day.Here is also the only place I can talk about how I feel.Ohhh My god shes at it again !!!!I think I should just put myself out of my missery

Re: She Doesnt Care
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Nov 3 23:06:56 2000 (#1250)

That's a horrible way to treat a person and I feel bad that it happened to you. Daring someone to cut themselves isn't going to help them stop! It sounds like your mom doesn't understand why you cut, and doesn't know how to deal with it. I'm not defending her, but people who don't understand cutting can be offensive to us. My own mother knows I have cut and usually makes light of it. She doesn't realize how serious it is. My mom ignores it and your's blames you. It's not our faults. I read A Bright Red Scream and it helped me understand the psychology of cutting better. Maybe you've read it, too. If not, it's a really good book. If you read it, try explaining some of the things to your mom, or better yet, see if she would be willing to read it. From how you describe her, it doesn't sound like she would read it, though. Maybe if you read parts of it too her and told her how you felt, she might start to open up. You never know. I hope things get better for you and I love you.

Love, DB

Re: She Doesnt Care
Posted by Christine on Sat Nov 4 04:22:26 2000 (#1254)

Every therapist has explaind it to her,I'v explained it to her.I dont know it she doesnt get it or she doesnt want to so she blames it on me,or other things like this board which if anything has helped me.I dont even remember when I started cutting but that really doesnt matter.What matters is how I turned out and how I can change what I'v become or rid myself of these impurities. She wants me to be just like her and I'm always compared to every one and when I bring up what she does and how it makes me feel she always turns the tables to make me look like the ass and thats not working anymore cuz I figured how to turn the table back around and she doesnt like that.My mom is a bitch and theres nothing I can do about that.She knows what I want to do to my self and shes just ading to my reasons. I have so many and she knows what ticks me off and I know she knows what shes doing but all I can do is hang in there and fight for something I dont want because in the end I will want it.So I will live my life no matter how bad even if I never stop cutting even if I turn out like my mom or I'm the most miserable person because when it ends I will have payed my time as a human and live a better life from there on after and some good news I'v 3 days w/ out cutting

Sorry
Posted by Christine on Fri Nov 3 04:55:03 2000 (#1240)

I was trying to fix something and it posted the messed up messeges 2

Dichotomy of the mind
Posted by Darkrose on Fri Nov 3 05:35:39 2000 (#1241)

(I'm not even sure if dichotomy is the right word, and I'm sure I didn't spell it right, but it sounds nice there and I don't feel like hunting up my dictionary.)

Excuse me while I ramble on. I'm sorting something out and I'm tired of writing the same junk in my diary.

Masks. I've been heavily obsessed with them for years, and I've always felt mine so distinctly. I've even thought about how permenant they are, and I've wondered when I last removed them. But I am just now realizing how perfectly they coexist. I've been in the down part of the shallow swing for some time now, yet I can call my mother and sound as normal as I ever do, and know that I love her, and be happy because I am talking to her. And after talking to her I can sit here and pull out the knife and bloody my legs a little, with no real alteration of thought. They entwine, the bloody rose and the soft rose of the garden, and I begin to doubt that one could continue to live in the absense of the other.

My roommate came in and I turned my music down and apologized because I had been in a bad mood, and she looked at me and said "You're in a bad mood?" I've forgotten how to look in a bad mood. I smile at everyone. I hide behind this affable yet clumsy facade, and no one knows any different.

Roommate. It's terrifically hard to cut when you have one. I never know when she's going to come back into the room, and taking a knife to the shower with me would certainly draw questions. Lucky I have a "safety" pin.

Cut on Halloween. Maybe it was because I was missing my one annual chance to run around in a cape and mask without others' comments. Maybe it was because I was too introverted/depressed to do so. Decided my skin shouldn't be white anymore - red was better. I didn't even remember making many of them. It's funny, because I don't usually trance while I'm cutting. I'm going to have to start introducing myself with " . . . and my favorite hobby is running through thorn bushes." I don't really have another plausible explanation for the state of my legs right now.

I promised myself I wouldn't whine, but I always do. Stopping now.

And when my roommate comes in (dang, and it was almost to the point where I wouldn't have to turn of the lights to dress)I'll smile at her and part of me will mean that smile, but the part of me that is concerned with my self will be inside cutting up my brain.

Enough of my rambling for now. I'm not even sure if I've lifted a mask or simply laid a new one.

Re: Dichotomy of the mind
Posted by empty remains on Fri Nov 3 08:09:36 2000 (#1243)

in a way i understand you. although i trance alot when i cut..

Re: Dichotomy of the mind
Posted by Darkrose on Tue Nov 7 00:44:50 2000 (#1288)

I do sometimes have blackouts - as in I look back later and cannot at all recall where one or more marks came from. It frightens me to discover that - perhaps it is more of an issue of control than I thought.

Re: Dichotomy of the mind
Posted by katie on Fri Nov 3 08:21:48 2000 (#1244)

Yes, yes to everything.

And that is how you spell dichotomy.

I'm not sure if I know how to be in a bad mood anymore... I mean, I know I am, but I generally don't act like it. I can't cry. I always say I'm fine. Why complicate things?

My roommate apparently knows I cut. At least, my other friend told her last year. But she hasn't talked to me about it, which is fine. I just take my wallet with my razor blade in it into the bathroom with me when I want to cut. I doubt anyone notices.

Yes, other things, but it is late and I am procrastinating.

take care, katie

Re: Dichotomy of the mind
Posted by Darkrose on Tue Nov 7 00:42:58 2000 (#1287)

I can understand the "unable to cry" part. I went for years without once weeping. Recently, I found myself crying when my parents left me at college, but that was a sorrow separate from the feelings (or lack thereof) that lead to the cutting. I think this quote explains it - "In every parting there is an image of death." - George Elliot. I suppose that is another example of the division in my mind.

And I do always say "Fine" or "Good" or "OK" when someone asks. It _is_ so much easier. I wonder, though, what the reaction would be if for once I told the truth. "How are you?" is such a casual question, asked on every meeting, and the answer is so expected. No one _really_ wants to hear about your troubles . . . Ah, enough of that.

Re: Dichotomy of the mind
Posted by katie on Tue Nov 7 06:38:58 2000 (#1300)

yes... i cried last year some when i was at college, still homesick. and actually i cried a little today when i got an email from a friend at home who i hadn't thought about in a while. it was sort of happy/sad, though, we've drifted apart and it was nice to hear from her. those things i guess i can cry about. but when i'm just upset or stressed or vaguely inexplicably sad, then i can't cry, then i can't say anything because it's not justified, and i don't want anyone to worry about me. it's easier for everyone if i just smile.

*sigh* katie

Re: Dichotomy of the mind
Posted by NUNI on Sun Nov 5 04:28:25 2000 (#1268)

My Dear Darkrose, I am quite impressed by your so-called "ramblings"...Masks you write...hmm, here I go again thinking I was alone. I sit and talk with my mother, actually I sit and pretend to listen to her, her problems (mine too) and I nod every now and then, crack a smile, shake my head when I think it may apply..and hug her when retreating to my room and I slash..my stomach this time, large palette to "draw" from.. happy not sure...soothed, sedated...yes!!!! Thank you for sharing!!

Re: Dichotomy of the mind
Posted by Darkrose on Tue Nov 7 00:46:33 2000 (#1289)

Impressed? [Blinks two or three times] I'm speechless. Thank you.

Non sense (DARKROSE)
Posted by Nuni on Fri Nov 3 08:08:52 2000 (#1242)

My Tears
Posted by Linda on Fri Nov 3 16:42:47 2000 (#1245)

What do I do with my tears? I come here daily, knowing there is hope for ALL your problems and yet knowing that so many of you reject that hope and it breaks my heart! I cry and I pray when I hear that Laura is in the hospital and that Sara has given up. Then I am ecstatic and cry again when I see that Laura has pulled through one more time. The issue of the masks, Rose, I think we all put up masks at times in our lives. I don't think that is necessarily wrong. Sometimes the things I am thinking I need to only share with my Heavenly Father. HE knows my heart and He alone can sort through all the rubbish that is there and make sense of it. I am a very emotional person and because of that can be led to make some irrational decisions. I MUST stay controlled by the Holy Spirit. He alone understand my motivation. And speaking of control, that is a common thread through all these posts, it seems to me....the issue of control. If you control your own life, where will it end up. How do you feel that you have wisdom enough to control? I don't understand. There is One Who would control your life that has ALL wisdom and can guide you to better choices. If you will give up that control to Him, He can provide the power to make good choices. Oh well,,,,, here I am rambling also...........You each have made an indelible impression on my life. There is not a day that goes by that you are not in my thoughts and my prayers!

Re: My Tears
Posted by laura rose on Fri Nov 3 19:06:24 2000 (#1247)

You know.... that works for you and a lot of people on this board. I myself grew up quite religious. But I have to say this. Where was He? Where the hell was He? When I was raped, was He sitting back watching? How about the second time I was raped? He think I needed it again? Let's see... how about all the years that I was beaten on a daily basis and told that if I left, he would kill me? Was He watching then too? How about when I was homeless and living on the streets.. I'm sure everyone in Heaven got a real kick out of that too. Hm... but perhaps they laughed more when my kidneys began to fail.. you know ~ because that's funny stuff. God MUST have a sense of humor. I was born to entertain all of the good people up there. So forgive me if I am a bit angry with God right now, but I need to be. I have asked him for help many many times, and He has done nothing but sit back and watch my miserable life unfold. This is not a post of anger... but people need to know that it is also "okay" to be angry at God.... If I stepped on toes, I apologize, but this is how I feel, and last time I checked, we are all here to express our feelings.

~laura

Re: My Tears
Posted by Linda on Fri Nov 3 19:51:17 2000 (#1248)

((((((((((((((((((Laura Rose)))))))))))))))))Yes, you are very right. This place is a place to express our feelings and I would say to you that you are never wrong to question God. I don't presume to know the answers to all those questions, but I know that He does and I know that He never laughed as you have gone through your pain. This is a messed up world we live in. Sin is rampant on every hand and I, just as you, are reaping benefits and chastisement for decisions made even before I was born. I have been reading a lot in the Old Testament lately and I am beginning to see another side of the God I serve. He is holy and righteous and He will not let even His own people live in a contiously rebellious life without chastisement. Why? Because He is jealous that we, which He created, and gave every good thing would choose to serve Him and Him alone.....not ourselves or not others or not things or not a substance but Him. I am sorry also, because I know that these posts seem to ignite feelings that are not good and wonderful for everyone, but if it gives you something to think about that may lead you to a better path, then I chance the strong dislike I have for offending others.

Re: My Tears
Posted by Kate on Sat Nov 4 18:33:56 2000 (#1258)

I just wanted to know who are you? Are you in charge of this site? That is a lot of responsibility for a person to look out for us. Do you cut? or are you here to help us? You are a great person.

Re: My Tears
Posted by Linda on Sun Nov 5 04:14:12 2000 (#1267)

Ohhhhhh no, Kate. I am not in charge of this site. I am only a mother that came on here many months ago looking for any information I could find about the subject of self-injury because a teenager that was very close to me had revealed that he did this. I was searching for some insight into the mind of someone who would feel the need to do such a thing. I was completely ignorant of the whole situation when I came but I believe I have a deeper understanding of how to help him should this surface again. I wanted to just get information and then leave but you all have captured my heart. No, I am not a cutter and would never be brave enough to do such a thing to myself. Please feel free to write me if you need anything I can help you with.

Re: My Tears
Posted by Darkrose on Tue Nov 7 01:08:35 2000 (#1290)

It is funny that you should mention that - I went on a retreat this weekend (which is why I din't reply sooner) hoping it would show me some meaning. I turned to religion about two-and-a-half years ago. Again I come to my mental separations - I loved God, but at the same time I did not respect myself as I should, and continued to cut. I have not come to any peace with this. It seems I have closed my heart so firmly that I cannot consciously open it even enough to allow God to enter. I know, however, that He sees and makes sense of what I cannot. I do not believe that He would condemn me for my scars.

As to control . . . I do not believe that God can control me. He can show me a path, but he cannot make my choices. I remember hearing once about "free will" - how this is what makes us human, and is at the same the cause of evil. I could probably continue to speak about this, but in my experience religious discussions on message boards have a tendancy to turn ugly.

I thank you for your prayers. Although I am unable to pray for myself, I too pray for all those who know despair and pain.

Re: My Tears
Posted by katie on Tue Nov 7 06:27:39 2000 (#1299)

yes--

i am religious and it hurts me that recently i have not been able to pray... but i find that while i don't know what to say to god about myself, i can still pray for other people. i want them to be well. i can't explain myself to god, i feel like i shouldn't be asking for help, for blessings sometimes... but not always. maybe i'm all right again, now... -katie

Re: My Tears
Posted by Linda on Tue Nov 7 16:16:18 2000 (#1302)

Darkrose Bless your heart for opening yourself up a bit to religion.....although I HATE that word!! I know what you mean by that but to me the word religion has a broad meaning that is not good. I think of religious works and duties as "religion". Of course, what I am talking about would, in most people's minds, also be religion. I am speaking of a personal relationship with a God who loves and cares about you. When you open yourself up to His forgiveness, He makes you positionally different. You are then a child of a king. Your past, present and future sins have been forgiven. Now I know what many think then....they think....."Oh yeah, so then you can just do whatever you want to and still go to heaven! YEAH RIGHT!!!" But you see, though I do believe that my present sins do not affect my future home in heaven, I also believe that if I have accepted Christ as my Savior, the Holy Spirit becomes a part of my life and gives me a desire to do what is right. I know that even a Christian can be a part of gross sin, though I believe that if I were to take part in something that would disgrace His name that He would eventually take me out of this world early. But why would I want to do that? He has provided so much for me right here. He is in the process of making me into His own image. When I talked about giving Him control, I meant, living every day with my feelings, thoughts and actions in submission to what I know that He wants and not what I want. Oh believe me.....knowing what a sinner I am and knowing that I have been forgiven gives me a wonderful outlook and hope for each day. I hope you can find that same hope. It is available to you just for the taking.

CYBERGRACE PRAYER CENTER
Posted by For Ever A Child of God on Fri Nov 3 23:51:07 2000 (#1252)

Not sure whether I should post this link, but thought of all the unhappy people like myself who needs prayer!

http://207.158.205.35/w wwboard/wwwboard.html

For Ever A Child of God

Religion
Posted by Christine on Sat Nov 4 03:55:11 2000 (#1253)

I think we get 2 offended when anything about religion comes up.We should be open to what other peple belive in.Even if we disegree.religion is what ever works for you. If god works thats fine if Budda works thats fine too.People have a right to there own opinion if religion helped you and you want it to help some one else its worth a try.

Re: Religion
Posted by Sara on Sat Nov 4 06:23:42 2000 (#1256)

OH YES!!!!!!!!! You wrote the words I have been saying to everyone, it seems, for years now...I believe the definition of religion is something along the lines of "WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU," just like you said, and that's why it's ok for people to believe different things. A friend of mine once told me that he doesn't see that much of a difference in, for example, Christianity and Paganism, because of the basic principle---both sides believe in a 'God' of some sort, they are just different forms...

Re: Religion
Posted by Kate on Sat Nov 4 18:36:44 2000 (#1259)

I don't think God has anything to do with cutting. I feel like if I pray he won't listen becuase it is my fault I cut. Everyone thinks suicidal people are going to hell and are terrible. I hate it.

Re: Religion
Posted by Linda on Sun Nov 5 04:08:37 2000 (#1266)

Kate, I don't think suicidal people are going to hell. In God's word it tells us that only unbelief will send you to hell. I know of several Christians that have committed suicide and I believe I will see them someday in Heaven. I think they have missed out on all God could have done for them here on earth but they are forgiven and at peace.

rituals
Posted by Christine on Sat Nov 4 04:30:31 2000 (#1255)

I was wondering if any of you had any rituals for cutting and if so what?I have a box with all the things I need razors,ontiment,ciggerets,firs t aid stuff and this may sound a little weird but I have to snort prozac and ritilan befor I cut.

Re: rituals
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Nov 4 23:28:15 2000 (#1262)

I didn't know Prozac could be snorted. Does it affect you differently than swallowing it? Maybe it takes effect faster?

Love, DB

Re: rituals
Posted by Lost on Sun Nov 5 02:18:52 2000 (#1265)

I've snorted it one time and all it did to me was make my nose and throat hurt BAD... my eyes watered and I was just coughing a lot... at least thats what I remember of it. I don't know if it actually affected me though

Re: rituals
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 5 04:34:14 2000 (#1270)

I have a plastic container that contains ointment, razor blades, and belive it or not panti liners. It throws off the nosey people who like to go through my gym bag at home or at work (just in case).. the sad thing is I cant cut my arms anymore, i lift weights and i cant hide those cuts. So I slash my stomach..anyway..as far as rituals, i guess thats it. I cut my stomach now, its hard to hise. my husband knows, but i think prefers to pretend, I feel him running his hands on my cuts at night I cant help but feel sad. he tells me how much he loves me and worries about me. I wish I could reach out and promise him I wont cut anynore, but I am afraid of lying to him, I cant bear the guilt. anyway..sorry I rambled guys

Shrinks
Posted by Maggie on Sat Nov 4 14:54:27 2000 (#1257)

I went to see the shrink today and he told me I have 3 options... 1. Agree to be admitted to hospital 2. To not cut again and take all these pills 3. Be forced to go to hospital. He thinks that I am best kept in an environment without the normal factors that cause me to cut. I took option 2 of course...but have any of you ever been to stay in a hospital/home because of your SI??? My shrink was really really nice, and I trust him and I told him EVERYTHING... so I am going to try stop I think. I urge any of you who have not at least tried to get professional help to do so. I never wanted it before, but I promised my friend to go to an appointment, and I want to go back again...

Re: Shrinks
Posted by Nuni (Maggie) on Sat Nov 4 23:57:23 2000 (#1263)

Maggie, I am seeing a shrink, and SI is a monor issue with our therapy right now. He offered meds before for depression and I turned them down, I am afraid of being in the hospital..I tell him when I cut, and it helps me not to...it seems strange going to see my therapist is the only time I feel OK... I think you made a good decision by going you have a good friend.. Sometimes the 45 minute session isnt enough and I have a difficult time leaving the safe environment. I hope I get better, I feel so crippled emotionally.. Do you mind explaining what its like for you??

Re: Shrinks
Posted by FallenAngel on Sun Nov 5 06:22:00 2000 (#1273)

I'm glad you're seeking professional help. I see a psychiatrist as well as an individual therapist and I was taking part in an outpatient DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) program. I've been hospitalized several times--some for suicide attempts, some for my eating disorder, others for cutting. I just came home yesterday from my most recent hospital stay. Last Sunday, I cut my throat. My parents are scared shitless (my mom won't let me out of her sight). I'm sick of living like this and I want to get better. I hate having these intrusive thoughts and urges and I hate hating myself, even though I find myself too repulsive to like (if that makes any sense). Now my parents and one of my therapists are talking about putting me in a residential treatment center for a while. That thought scares me for several reasons...but I'm not gonna get into all that right now. E-mail me if you want to talk more about this.

--FallenAngel

God
Posted by laura vandegrift (was pedrin) on Sat Nov 4 20:00:54 2000 (#1260)

Did God not commit suicide? Hm.... Just a thought.

Re: God
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Nov 4 22:44:38 2000 (#1261)

I read in Conversations With God that everything humans are capable of experiencing, God also experiences. Laughter, sadness, everything, so I suppose God has experienced suicide. In CWG it says that we are not capable of experiencing something that God has not experienced first. There is nothing new under the sun, God's seen it all and done it all, I guess. Just my opinion.

Love, DB

Re: God
Posted by laura rose on Sun Nov 5 00:28:46 2000 (#1264)

What I mean is Jesus.... he died for our sins, right? He committed suicide.... right? Yet, I will go to hell if I do the same? Hm... odd..

Re: God
Posted by Linda on Sun Nov 5 04:33:57 2000 (#1269)

Wow, this is the second message I have written about this subject tonight. The Bible does not teach that you will go to hell if you commit suicide. Where have you all heard that? It must be taught somewhere, because I have talked to several of you that believe that. The Bible teaches that in order to go to heaven, we must first understand that we are sinners. Then we must understand that Jesus came, God who chose to take on human form, to take our place and live the life that we could not live in perfection, then willingly sacrifice that life in payment for all the sins of the whole world. When we accept His sacrifice for our sins, He covers those sins, as it were, with His own blood so that we then appear righteous before God the Father. There is nothing that I can do after accepting that to remove His Holy Spirit from my life. Yes, Laura, I suppose you could say that Jesus, in a sense, committed suicide, though His intentions were for the blessing of the entire world. Here is a thought I would like to present here. Do you know that the Bible says "Without the shedding of blood there is no remission of sins." That has stuck in my mind ever since I first started reading posts here---you know, why would you all want to cut and see the blood. I believe Satan uses the fact that it is in our conscience that blood in necessary and then twists it to make you think that because, as you see yourself, you deserve to pay for your imperfection. But, it won't work. Only perfect blood will pay and Jesus' blood is the only perfect blood. Thanks guys for listening to me and letting me vent.

Re: God
Posted by laura rose on Sun Nov 5 05:41:05 2000 (#1271)

Hm... What you said about Jesus doing it with the intentions of blessing an entire world... that's why I did it too... to be honest. Not that I am in any way comparing myself to God... But at the same time, I'm not going to buy in to a "the devil made me do it" theory either. And DB had mentioned that God has done everything and felt everything that I have... Hm... I don't know how I feel about this either. I don't know that God could have certain feelings I have had. I don't know, hard to explain. Any way... I'm not trying to get in to a huge religious debate here. But I respect all of your opinions.. I think this past week has made me more bitter, if that is possible.. anyone else notice that about me? Oh well...

Laura Rose

Re: God
Posted by Linda on Sun Nov 5 14:08:49 2000 (#1274)

Yes, I have noticed you have a bit more edge to you but we ALL go through times like that. What DB said about Jesus experiencing all that we have, I am sure was referring to something said in the Bible, though she was quoting a book that I am unfamiliar with. It says that He was tempted in ever way as we are yet without sin. I have gone through some doubting in this since Jesus was not a woman, I was wondering how He could have understood menopause...; ) But you know, after careful study, I realize that the temptations that we face are summarized under several different headings, (and this too is from the Bible)I John 2:16 "For all that is in the world, THE LUST OF THE FLESH,AND THE LUST OF THE EYES, AND THE PRIDE OF LIFE, is not of the Father, but is of the world." I capitalized the three different headings for temptation. 1. something to safisfy our fleshly desires(whether it be food, sex, drugs, etc.) 2. something to satisfy our coveteous nature, 3. assurance in one's own resources or the stability of earthly things. If you read about Jesus' temptation in Matthew 4, you will see that those temptations are exactly the areas that Satan tempted him with. Another thing you said was about not falling for that "the devil made me do it" thing.....you are right to do that. Satan, himself doesn't need to come to us most of the time. Our own sinful nature has been fed to the point that it goes with no help whatsoever. Laura, this life is a battle for everyone. We struggle with our flesh and only with the help of the Creator do we overcome it. But, I want to quickly point out that unless you have come to the point of salvation, as I explained before, you have no Holy Spirit to assist you in the struggle. Our flesh alone can NOT do it. Keep on thinking...you are doing good!

Re: God
Posted by Linda on Sun Nov 5 14:17:39 2000 (#1275)

I am in a hurry this morning but after rereading my post I realize that the very thing that turns some of you off is a confidence in anything as being right. I know I come off that way and I hate arrogance myself. It is not confidence in myself or my own knowledge that I display, it is confidence in the fact that I have God's Word and I believe it to be true. It is a stabilizing factor to have your life settled on something that does not change. If you choose not to believe God's Word, then I do not feel bad toward's you, I do feel hurt for the fact that I know you are missing the truth but not offended at you personally. We each have been through experiences that have led us to the beliefs that we have. My past made it easy for me to believe but my past or yours does not change the truth of God's word. May you all be stirred to at least search it out.

Re: God
Posted by laura rose on Sun Nov 5 17:15:21 2000 (#1276)

Hm... well, that may be the truth for *you*... but not for everyone. Believe me.... I DO believe in God. There is no doubt about that. I believe in a heaven and a hell... but I also believe that if God were all the things He is made out to be... why the hell are children dying every day? Just so someone else can learn a lesson? If God is love... show me some damn love. I grew up *very* religious... and I have had nothing but pain in my life... no wait.. there was that one time when my dad wasn't cheating and my mom wasn't drinking... think that lasted a day, and my dad fed me some ice cream while we watched m*a*s*h.... one day out of my whole life. So when I see God... if I see God.. I have a lot of questions for Him... I would ask them now.. but it seems that He has never heard a word I have said or noticed a tear that I shed. I'm glad it seems to work for you and so many others on this board... but for me... I think God hates me. Yes, I know that now I will hear about how God does not hate me... but I won't buy that. I've got to do what makes me happy.... and 43 new cuts in 5 minutes feels pretty damn good right now....

~laura

Re: God
Posted by Linda on Mon Nov 6 04:50:53 2000 (#1278)

Laura, you raise some pretty deep questions. First of all let me say that there are many people in this world today that would be grateful to even know who their parents were. You had one day to remember a pleasant thought about your dad and the ice cream. And to think, you had ice cream, while others are destitute of daily food. You said that your mother drank but she was kind enough to keep Lori posted on your condition while you were hospitalized. If we all got what we deserved we would have no chance whatsoever to go anywhere but Hell, but God DID show His love by giving us a way out. He also showed His love by allowing us the freedom to choose. Of course, with that freedom came many bad choices due to the fact that we are sinful in our nature. Every bad choice we make affects more than ourselves. You are feeling bad about your childhood and yet you chance depriving your little boy of a relationship with his parents. Your parents made bad choices and it affected you deeply and the wheel continues to turn. It is the same for us all. But we still have a choice. You say that God has never heard a word you have said but I promise you that is wrong. Perhaps you are looking for a specific positive answer to questions that He can not answer positively because He knows the whole picture. Just because He didn't give you what you wanted does not mean that He didn't answer. To quote a famous missionary lady, Amy Carmichael, "No is an answer too." Let me soften this a little by saying that I don't blame you for the way you feel. But whether you have a right to a bad choice will not change the consequences. Please keep questioning.

Re: God
Posted by laura rose on Mon Nov 6 11:33:19 2000 (#1279)

Hm... well God must want me dead then.. because he sure is attempting to kill me an awful lot.... if you talk to Him... let him know I want to at least see my son turn 5.. but it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

Laura

Re: God
Posted by Linda on Mon Nov 6 16:21:45 2000 (#1281)

Why, Laura?

Re: God
Posted by laura rose on Mon Nov 6 18:49:20 2000 (#1282)

My kidney failure... the dialysis is not going all too great, but it will sustain me for some time. I'm on the list for a donor, but am not too top priority... most junkies aren't ~ even if you haven't touched a drug in years. Oh well.... lol...my life could be an entire years worth of shows on Jerry Springer.

~laura

Re: God
Posted by Linda on Mon Nov 6 21:07:45 2000 (#1283)

(((((((((((((((((((((((Laura)) ))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry. What is the cause of this kidney failure? I will be praying.

If anybody wants to laugh...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Nov 5 23:00:13 2000 (#1277)

There's a site called http://www.hellskitchen.com with hilarious stuff on it. Laura Rose and I went to it and the heading "How to be Annoying" or something like that is really good. Just thought I'd share a little daily diversion with everyone.

Love, DB

Re: If anybody wants to laugh...
Posted by Sara on Tue Nov 7 02:03:32 2000 (#1291)

Thank you DB. :)

A little help for a new website on SI
Posted by Amanda on Mon Nov 6 13:55:36 2000 (#1280)

Hey, i'm in the long and tedious process of creating a website premoting awareness of SI. The site is very open and the aim is to reassure people and give them a site they can show their friends and say "this is what i have" - there is so much on the internet about how Self-injury is so very serious but for some people all they need to know is they are not alone. I am compiling a list of famous people who do, or have, self-mutilated. If you know of anyone please, please, please e-mail me!

also, while i am at it anything at all you think i should include?

BTW i think i should mention that i was here on this site posting for myself not so long ago - since then i have almost totally recovered from depression and stopped SI. I haven't cut in ***7 months*** !!!

Keep safe everyone. Thanks in advance, Manda

Re: A little help for a new website on SI
Posted by Lost on Mon Nov 6 23:53:29 2000 (#1285)

Angelina Jolie SI's

Re: A little help for a new website on SI
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Nov 7 04:02:51 2000 (#1294)

I forgot about Angelina Jolie. I know that the girl from Garbage has SI'd before. Is her name Shirley Manson? Princess Diana did it. Richey Edwards from Manic Street Preachers. I also read that Roseanne used to claw at her body. It was in A Bright Red Scream.

Love, DB

Re: A little help for a new website on SI
Posted by Christine on Tue Nov 7 04:21:37 2000 (#1295)

Angelina Jolie is hot I want to be her I want her shes my idol.Jonny Depp SI's and Christina Riccy 2

Re: A little help for a new website on SI
Posted by Nuni on Tue Nov 7 08:06:09 2000 (#1301)

Drew Barrymore use to... or who knows if she still does...

missing
Posted by blue rose on Mon Nov 6 22:36:41 2000 (#1284)

Has anyone heard from Melissa lately? I'm worried about her.

Re: missing
Posted by Lost on Mon Nov 6 23:55:43 2000 (#1286)

yeah I know!!! I got into an argument (I guess that's what u could call it) with her on Saturday morning and I haven't seen her online at all since then... she hasn't responded to my e-mails. I'm worried too.... If anyone hears from her, tell her that I need to talk to her. Thanks... bye

headache!!!
Posted by Nuni on Tue Nov 7 02:25:08 2000 (#1292)

Hi guys... you are always here.. to read my ramblings. I sense no judgement, and I feel so attacked roght now. I told my shrink I would quit drinking which I totally plant to, as it is destructive.. My cutting is too, but that is more mine I think.. (please allow me to continue before you go on to something better to read) I cut 2 nights ago, and I had a good session. I come home and have to listen to my mother.. the guilt trip , she is so GOOD at it..my mother, I am afraid of her words, she never hit me, her words rip in to me the way I shred on my skin.. she doesnt know what I do to myself.. I feel helpless right now, I am listening to her, because as I sit here typing she calls to me from other rooms nad directs her F#%*ing words at me.. how I wish I could cut the right vein right now...and she is the one hurting.. HOW I hate myself!!!!

Re: headache!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Nov 7 03:52:05 2000 (#1293)

I know how it feels to be afraid of what other people will say. I am terrified of angering my parents, especially my father. I was never abused and my parents are very understanding of my panic attacks and everything. He doesn't know about the cutting, though. I have always felt such fear if I think I have upset him. I don't even know what I thing will happen, I just get scared. I am so afraid of disappointing people. Maybe it's not the same stress you feel with your mother, but I'll try to understand.

Love, DB

Re: headache!!!
Posted by Nuni on Tue Nov 7 06:09:34 2000 (#1297)

Thanks DB, I just cant stand her criticism anymore, this constant nagging... she cant stand me, I know deep down she regrets ever having kids, I mean look at me, I am 27 married, and she lives with us because life wasnt good to her, to her we are selfish, sje says my husband ruined our falily. can you believe it..it is quite stupid... IT has been going on so long, that it is a away of lufe, her B.S. geez I hate my life all of my decisions are jacked up.. I am a college graduate, and will one day choose a najor for my B A or whatever, it is never enough she TALKs suicide, and I act out by cutting, she doesnt know... I am so tired of trying you know?? I am sorry I am whining, I feel like such a bitch!! I am trying hard not to cut, I am really trying hard to get better!! do you ever feel frustrated??

Re: headache!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Nov 7 18:28:08 2000 (#1303)

Okay, first off, you're not a bitch. Unless you want to be, which I personally sometimes do. It sounds like you have every right to be frustrated. I don't know how I would handle constant nagging. I like to think I could stand up for myself, but when it comes right down to it, I don't know what I would do if it was my own mother. You definately need space from her, but I guess you would have space if it was at all possible. It also sounds like she is trying to get attention. I get frustrated too. Sometimes I just want to scream at the whole world and tell them why I can't always wear short sleeves. That way nobody would ask me what happened to my arms. I'm tired of explaining about my 'cat' or a 'rash' that I don't really have.But, they couldn't handle it. It's not a normal enough problem to so many people, so I can't scream it at them. I'll just scream at the computer. AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

That feels better. You can e-mail me if you want. That way you can scream to me if you feel like it!

Love, DB

Re: headache!!! (DB)
Posted by Nuni on Tue Nov 7 21:37:47 2000 (#1307)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That kind a feels better. Oh my does this shit ever end. I told my shrink I decided I am not ready to stop cutting since he had asked me. But I did decide to stop drinking and its been 3 going on four days. I find that my writing improves a little when I drink. I just wish this whole obsession with pain would go away. Do you find the blood flowing from you soothing, almost therapeutic at times. I do.. How are you doing?? I am sorry if I gross you out! thanks, next time I will scream into my pillow. :)

Re: headache!!! (DB)
Posted by Christine on Wed Nov 8 04:57:41 2000 (#1314)

Its ok to ramble here.Were here to support you when you need it and next time you can scream in your pillow but I think it'd be better to come here and talk about what ever.

almost 1 week!
Posted by Christine on Tue Nov 7 04:32:33 2000 (#1296)

If I can go threw the nite and not cut I will have gone 1 week w/ out cutting.But cutting isnt the issue anymore my mind is more on suicide then any thing else.I want to die and I want to live and I think I want to die more.I want to win this fight and I'm trying but if I'm not cutting I'm planing and I'v been thinking about it 4 a while.Even when I was cutting.what is a girl 2 do ?Its a win or lose situation.I cant settle in the middle and that really blows.Do I live or do I die?I dont know if I have it in me to go threw with it but I know I'm determined enough that I'm thinking of ways so that I cant turn back and decide I want to live its yes no black white wrong right what will it be,can I hold on,what am I fighting for I'm a lost cause.If I keep fighting I'll lose is I give up I'll lose but I will have made it easyer on every one else.Fuck Me I dont know

Re: almost 1 week! (christine)
Posted by Nuni on Tue Nov 7 06:12:58 2000 (#1298)

Hi Christine, Why sont you hang out here with us for a while. I know how you feel I had gone almost two weeks without cutting, and then I slipped again. You are doing great I ususally write when the feeling intensifies, but try it, hang out here, e-mail me or somehting, I am always on line..

Is it SI?
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Nov 7 18:56:49 2000 (#1304)

Hi, Here's the thing. Last night, I pierced my ear with a safety pin. I didn't numb it or anything, just stuck the pin through my ear lobe and pulled it back out. I had no intention of wearing another earring and didn't put one in the hole. It didn't hurt at all, just felt like putting an earring in, with more pressure. It bled a drop or two, but it doesn't hurt. So, I'm curious, did I unintentionally SI, because I wasn't upset or anything. I just decided to see if I could do it. Any thoughts?

Love, DB

Re: Is it SI?
Posted by katie on Tue Nov 7 20:20:26 2000 (#1305)

Hm. I don't know... I've cut before when I wasn't really upset about anything, just to do it, just to make sure of... well, something. I don't know what.

I think it certainly happens sometimes that people SI out of curiosity... not necessarily that they start that way, but once they're used to it they do it just for its own sake.

Sometimes that worries me more than when I actually *have* to cut... it's like, I just did that for absolutely no real reason. What sort of person hurts themselves just to be able to do it?

Ah well, I do not know... take care, Katie

p.s. are you all (who are old enough and such) voting??? i certainly hope so. sorry, that was random and irrelevant, but i'm really nervous about the election. don't mind me.

Election Day
Posted by Linda on Tue Nov 7 21:27:13 2000 (#1306)

YES!!! I voted, my husband voted and my daughter will be voting this afternoon. Why are you nervous about the election?

Re: Election Day
Posted by katie on Tue Nov 7 22:11:20 2000 (#1310)

not sure... i guess just because it's really close. and this is the first election i've ever been able to vote in. also i'm on a small liberal college campus, full of panicky already-stressed-out activist types, so everyone else is nervous, which is rubbing off on me. lol... we'll calm down, no matter which way it goes. it'll be fine.

Re: Is it SI?
Posted by Christine on Wed Nov 8 04:42:32 2000 (#1312)

I dont really know if its considered SI.I peirce my ears all the time and out of 12 earings I only hade 3 proffetionally done.Once I did my eye brow for the hell of it and I just sat there and played w/ the safty pin for awhile.

Re: Is it SI?
Posted by Nuni on Tue Nov 7 21:40:17 2000 (#1308)

I think any form of pearcing, tatooing, branding is a form of SI... because some do it for cosmetic purposes it still brings some kind of pain that SOME enjoy as a rush..so sure, it could be SI, think about it, you had no intention of wearing an earring..

Re: Is it SI?
Posted by Lost on Tue Nov 7 22:10:37 2000 (#1309)

yeah, I think it was SIing. I used to do the same thing... except with piercing my eyebrows or lips or nose and stuff like that. SOMETIMES I would actually put rings in them, but most of the time it was just to feel the needle go through. And to Nuni... I agree about the tatoo thing. Well, I don't think that EVERYONE does it for the sake of the pain but I know *I* do! I LOVE the feeling of getting tattoos... and in a way... its a scar the looks PRETTY! :)

What is good in *your* life?
Posted by laura rose on Wed Nov 8 04:12:03 2000 (#1311)

Here we are, talking about all this sad stuff.. and that is wonderful and all... gives us a place to vent and relate... but I have a question for all of you. What is good in your life? What makes you happy, or at least as close to happiness as you can come? What makes you momentarily forget about your scars? For me, it is my son.. and Sarah McLachlans music. With all of these threads.... I just want to know about something good in your lives....

*hugs* ~laura

Re: What is good in *your* life?
Posted by Christine on Wed Nov 8 04:53:47 2000 (#1313)

Well today I took the writen test for drivers ed and I passed.My mom called work and told me,I was so happy.Last nite I was going to cut and I made a little scratch and wuz like this isnt like it used to be so I put my things away and read a book.I may have made a little cut but I didnt keep going and that is more important.In some way I may have failed but in another way I suceded.I'm quite content w/ my self and happy so I think things are starting to go good now I hope things start going (or continue going)the right way for all of you so its late and I'm tired gotsta go *~BYE~*

Re: What is good in *your* life?
Posted by laura rose on Wed Nov 8 05:21:57 2000 (#1315)

*huge hug*.... that is wonderful.. both passing and deciding not to cut... you did not fail, you did an amazing and brave thing and that is WONDERFUL..... =)... it's nice to read something happy and positive...

~laura

Re: What is good in *your* life?
Posted by Lost on Wed Nov 8 05:52:13 2000 (#1316)

Little things make me happy. Just the TINIEST most insignificant things. Someone remembering my name... or my favorite food. Someone that i don't know, smiling at me. Having my best friend compliment me (she's the only one that does it) I mean materialistic things do not make me happy. The only thing really is FEELING wanted... feeling like someone likes me for who I am... and not what i can offer them or sex or anything. I think its because these are the things that I DO NOT recieve yet they are the things that I want the most. I think people that SI or that are suicidal fall alot harder than "normal" people. Like LITTLE things that happen (bad things) that wouldn't really affect anyone else very much affect me BEYOND comprehension. It kinda sucks... but sorry I got off the topic, I'll shut up now.

Re: What is good in *your* life?
Posted by Linda on Wed Nov 8 16:01:17 2000 (#1319)

I just had to tell my good news......I have lost 14 1/2 pounds since the middle of September. I am working hard at cutting back my fat intake and have added a walking program to my life. It is so good to see progress. I just have another 38 or so pounds to go! By the way, food can be just as much a compulsion as self-injury and just as harmful in the long run....don't you agree! So we are all on even ground!! : )

Re: What is good in *your* life?
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Nov 8 17:07:16 2000 (#1321)

Okay Laura, I'll bite. I love my butterfly collection in my car, (fake, not real ones!) the song Iris (I'd give up forever to touch you), my blue nail polish, my cats and dogs, candles, my website (http://nav.to/butterfly120, in case you care), talking to Laura, not cutting, daydreams (I WILL marry John Rzeznik, dammit!), my cousin, Susie, who likes my poems, and Laura, who does, too. And I like reading Laura's poems (though I am partial to one she wrote for me). I also like feeding the half a dozen calves I have helped raise. The lick my hands (I know, it's gross, but they like me that much and I can wash my hands!) Okay, is that enough? If you want more, I'll try to find some other stuff.

Love, DB

Re: What is good in *your* life?
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 8 20:08:12 2000 (#1323)

My husband is very good in my life. He doesnt try to understand why I cut, he just doesnt judge me either. I feel him run his hands up and down my stomach(long scarrs) at night and he tells he loves me (I know he worries).. My writing, I love to write short stories, I just dont think I will ever be good enough to be published. Next to my husband what is good in my life is having found this mess board where I can really discuss my cutting openly without fear of REJECTION..thanks

Re: What is good in *your* life?
Posted by laura rose on Wed Nov 8 20:23:27 2000 (#1324)

Well, now I have had more time to think about this... let me see if I can come up with more than two things for me... Hm.. still thinking..Ooo.. I know ~ there is one thing all of you should try...it is an *amazing* experience.. I mean it.. and I want all of you to try it... But it will only work if you have either napster or $... there is a song by Sarah McLachlan called Song For A Winters Night.. it is off of her Raraties, B-Sides and Other Stuff CD.... i'm telling you...turn off all of the lights, light some candles and put this song on continuous.... it puts you somewhere else... but it only works if you are in your PJ's and gripping your favorite stuffed animal or a pillow... um yeah... any way.... let's see... off subject there... writing a poem makes me happy, making people smile, making people laugh... knowing a may have made a difference in the life of someone else... and yes, DB... reading your poerty is up there.. as is this board... you are all truly wonderful and amazing... I love all of you.... hm.. what els... driving in my car with the music blasting.. singing at the top of my lungs, not caring if anyone sees me. LOL... checking the mail (yes my life is that boring)... um.. that's it for now... =)

~laura

Re: What is good in *your* life?
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 9 01:31:57 2000 (#1330)

I think you are all AWESOME!! (in my life)

HELP NOW
Posted by whitney on Wed Nov 8 08:59:57 2000 (#1317)

i want to kill myself. i just found out that my friend committed suicide a couple days ago, and it's not fair that he gets out. it's not fucking fair. if anyone's on, please say something. please. i just need to know that i'm not alone.

Re: HELP NOW
Posted by laura rose on Wed Nov 8 10:12:40 2000 (#1318)

Whitney... *hugs*... you are not alone. we are all here for you.... It is very hard to cope with the death of someone you love, and I can relate.... Allow yourself to feel these thoughts, but know that they are normal... Talk to him.... yell at the sky.... be angry, be sad... but allow yourself to feel... You will not find him inside your skin if you cut it open. But he is around. Please.... take care... if you ever need to talk, IM me, or email me....

*love* ~laura

Re: HELP NOW
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Nov 8 16:47:39 2000 (#1320)

Whitney,

I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to lose a friend to suicide. When I was 15 a really good friend of mine killed himself and I never knew why. Laura is right about talking to him. I would talk to Billy all the time and ask him why he did it. I still don't know, but I know he hears me when I talk. It's been seven years, he would be 23. Sometimes it hurts just as much as the day I found out. I used to have one-sided arguments about how he left me alone and didn't even say goodbye. It does help. Write him a letter and say everything you never go to before. I've done that, too. Just please know you aren't alone. You can come here and talk about anything in the world and no one will flame you for it, mostly because at least one of us is having the exact same thoughts. We love each other here and we love you.

Love, DB

Re: HELP NOW
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 8 17:13:36 2000 (#1322)

Everything you have read in the other two posts are true.. You dont have to feel alone because you arent. We do love you!!! We all hit bad patches and when we think that we are alone.. we come here and you can express, and reach out. hang in there... Hugs to you!! keep posting!!!

a little self promotion, but it may help
Posted by laura rose on Wed Nov 8 20:45:04 2000 (#1325)

Hey guys.... I put up a little site the other day with some of my poems on there.... They are under Miscellaneous right now... any way.. the ones toward the bottom are the newest.... http://nav.to/lauravandegrift any way... i dont have a guest book up yet.... will soon hopefully (i need that addy again, DB).... hope you all are well....

~laura

Go Laura!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Nov 9 01:11:03 2000 (#1328)

Everybody, you have to go to Laura's site! She has so many poems there, it will make your head spin. They are so great. I'm gonna sign her guestbook when she gets one. She's one smooth poet! Can you believe she was asking me for technical advice? Little ol' me! Actually, I used the same program for my site, too, but I don't know that much about it. It's a great site, please go to it. Laura, sign my guestbook! Nuni signed it and (lowers head) I signed it first!! Hey Laura, is it just me, or do you seem to be feeling a bit better. Dare I say.....whimsical?

Love, DB

Now What?
Posted by Christine on Wed Nov 8 21:26:19 2000 (#1326)

Now what do I do?Now that the person that said they loved me and told me how special I was hates me.I cant cut and I dont want to right now but what about later what am I gonna do.He called me phycotic and a bunch of other things.All because we were joking around and I smashed his cup cake into his face.He knew I was joking and normally he doesnt get pissed at me for shit like that.If he had done that to me I would of laughed and just made him go get me some napkins but he got really pissed at me he was even yelling at me.Why do I always mess up these things well gotta go.Have group

Re: Now What?
Posted by For Ever A Child of God on Thu Nov 9 00:17:45 2000 (#1327)

People have their bad days, he had his, dont get too upset, hopefully he will come round and remember his love for you

Going to therapy...again.
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Nov 9 01:23:18 2000 (#1329)

Okay, so today I had an appointment with my nurse to check up on my panic attack meds. I decided to tell her about the cutting, since everybody I know told me I should. So, I told her. She was completely calm about it. She said that they got a lot of patients with SI and the therapists there (it's a building full of shrinks) are really good with SI people. She set me up with a psychologist for next month. I'm not telling my parents that I'm going though. It's such a long story and I don't feel like explaining it to them. Anyway, I will have to lie to them and say I am having checkups for my meds once a month while I go to therapy. I'm nearly 23, I should be able to go places without telling my parents. You'd think I had a curfew or something. anyway, I'm pretty sure that their controlling is what's giving me my issues in the first place and I don't want to start a fight. We don't admit problems in our family, we just deal with it and be quiet. Too bad I'm a screamer...... Anyway, I feel pretty good about the therapy, and someday maybe I'll tell everybody what's wrong with me. My life isn't overall that terrible. I think I can handle most of it. I talked to an old friend of mine from school. I hadn't seen her in years. She is completely different, but it's a change for the better. She was my best friend for years and she just quit calling me. I saw her on Sunday and she is about to have a baby. She was so nice to me. I think she's grown up, finally. Anyway, I am excited about the baby. It's due Nov. 10. I told her to try and have it on the 12th, since that's my birthday. Okay, I'll stop rambling now.

Love, DB

Re: Going to therapy...again.
Posted by laura rose on Thu Nov 9 19:46:35 2000 (#1334)

DB..... Well, you and I talked about this, and I still think you did/are doing the right thing. And I am here to support you in any way I can.

Losing a Friend
Posted by Lost on Thu Nov 9 02:06:35 2000 (#1331)

Hi. My best friend told me today that she wants to go into the army. Well, for most people its not that big of a deal for their friend to join the military... BUT FOR ME, its a VERY BIG deal. She is the only person that I have in the world and we do EVERYTHING together. We go to school together... have all our classes together... come home together (we only live 4 houses down from eachother) The only time we're apart is when we have to do stuff at home or if we're sleeping. And if we're not together than we're on the phone or online with eachother. I know it sounds lame, but I depend on her SOOOO much. The love of my life is in jail... so I don't have him here. My best friend is the only other person that i have in my life. If she goes into the army I'll probably either die or just sink into further depression. She asked me what I thought about her leaving and I just told her that it is her life and her decision. i didn't want to tell her how I really feel because that is putting too much pressure on her and I don't want to hold her back from what she wants. I don't know what to do. If she leaves than that'll be the only 2 people that I love GONE. and once she goes into the military, she'll never live in the same city, or state for that matter, as me. Maybe I'm just being selfish... and I know seperation is a part of life... but why when I finally find a TRUE friend that I REALLY connect with they have to leave me? someone please give me some advice on what I should do. I'm so lost.

Oh yeah, please tell me if you've heard from Melissa.........

Re: Losing a Friend
Posted by Sara on Thu Nov 9 16:22:28 2000 (#1333)

Lost- I'm so sorry...this has happened to people I've known, when someone they love very much has to leave...I understand how you feel. I've seen what it does...just be strong. We all know you love her, she loves you too---that's what best friends are...but she'll keep in touch, you won't be together as much, obviously, but she'll always be there for you. I think it was a good decision not to tell her all this, because she might end up staying and blaming you for ruining her plans...and you know what? It doesn't matter---she already knows. She's got to know it's going to affect you, because best friends do that, too. It must just be a calling, because it isn't a small decision...but she isn't worried about it because she knows no matter what, in whatever state or city, she's always going to love you. I'm sorry if none of this helped at all...I tried...I know words are hard sometimes. I wish you the best of luck, please keep porting to let me know how things are, or email. I have not heard from Melissa...

Love Always-

~Sara~

Happy stuff
Posted by Maggie on Thu Nov 9 05:35:06 2000 (#1332)

I just thought I'd share a happy experience with all of you, because it cheers me up when I read something positive from you. Two of my friends bought me a really cool, orange cellphone the other day. They wanted to be able to keep in contact with me, and make sure I am ok, now semester has ended and we wont be together all the time. That was really, really nice, and I felt so happy that people care that much for me.

Well take care all...

Re: Happy stuff
Posted by katie on Thu Nov 9 22:03:23 2000 (#1336)

that's great!

i just got happy news, too. an email from my RA last year. he's living abroad now, but i emailed him a couple of weeks ago, and mentioned that i'd talked to some friends here and that i was sorry i'd never managed to talk to him last year. i really wish i had, and i told him it wasn't because i didn't want to, i just couldn't. he said he was very happy i'd written him, and that he'd really wanted to help me last year. and that i should email him and talk whenever i want to. i don't know what i would say. i'll think of something.

***so wonderful***

:) katie

Heartbroken
Posted by Kate on Thu Nov 9 20:34:14 2000 (#1335)

I am student teaching. I have three weeks left. I was told that I was getting good ratings but just today I was told by the teacher I am with she just gave me the ratings to be nice and I was getting low ratings. I was so upset. My career is over. I wanted to die or just lie out in the streets. I don't want to live life. I just want to exist but not mentally or emoitionally. Everything sucks. I wish I could hurt myself or die but my family would be upset.

Re: Heartbroken
Posted by Nuni on Fri Nov 10 06:49:42 2000 (#1347)

I think its lame that she said the ratings were "given" to you. Something smells fishy.. You may have done really well, so well that she couldnt stand it, and had to say something to soothe her ego. C'mon Kate, how do you tink you really did? I mean if you were giving it your all and you felt good, why let something decide you fate because its on paper?

i hate to ask this....
Posted by laura rose on Thu Nov 9 23:52:19 2000 (#1337)

but can you guys sign my guestbook? there are only 2 people on there right now, and i feel like a chump!! =).... you only have to read like one poem, then you can sign it...... pleeeeeeeeaaaase? Ok.. enough whining.... i love you all!!!

*hugs* ~laura

Re: i hate to ask this....
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Nov 10 00:52:46 2000 (#1338)

Laura, I signed your guestbook and there were already more than two entries. But you owe me now, so go sign my guestbook. Linda and Nuni have signed it(thanks, by the way!), but so far that's it. If anybody else wants to, just go to http://nav.to/butterfly120 My poetry doesn't rhyme like Laura's, but she's a genious anyway, so what can I do?!? Anyway, she writes the best stuff. and she put up a link to my site! I'm gonna have to do that for her. It's the least I can do.

Love, DB

Re: i hate to ask this....
Posted by Linda on Fri Nov 10 04:34:54 2000 (#1345)

I was going to sign your guestbook but for some reason I couldn't find it. I can only be online a few minutes at a time because we have a business telephone so I get nervous after so long. Sorry! Will try again later.

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?
Posted by SCARED on Fri Nov 10 01:14:00 2000 (#1339)

Meet me in outer space. WE could spend the night; watch the earth come up. I've grown tired of that place; won't you come with me? WE could start again. How do you do it? Make me feel like I do. How do you do it? It's better than I ever knew. Meet me in outer space. I will hold you close, if you're afraid of heights. I need you to see this place, it might be the only way that I can show you how it feels to be inside of you. How do you do it? Make me feel like I do. How do you do it? It's better than I ever knew. You are stellar.

I KNOW THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THIS OR EVEN KNOWS WHO I AM, BUT I NEEDED TO LET THAT OUT.

INCUBUS MEANS ALOT TO ME
Posted by SCARED on Fri Nov 10 01:24:28 2000 (#1340)

A decade ago, I never thought I would be, at twenty three, on the verge of spontaneous combustion. Woe-is-me. But I guess that it comes with the territory; an ominous landscape of never ending calamity. I need you to hear, I need you to see that I have had all I can take and exploding seems like a definite possibility to me. So pardon me while I burst into flames. I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games. So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame. Pardon me, pardon me....I'll never be the same. Not two days ago, I was having a look in a book and I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees. I said, "I can relate," cause' lately I've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from the burdens of the planet earth. Like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D... and thinking so much differently. So pardon me while I burst into flames. I've had enough of the world and it's people's mindless games. So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame. Pardon me, pardon me....I'll never be the same.

YOU DONT HAVE TO READ THESE LYRICS THAT I PUT UP I JUST THOUGHT I COULD OPEN SOME MINDS TO NEW MUSIC

MORE INCUBUS
Posted by SCARED on Fri Nov 10 01:33:59 2000 (#1341)

To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real. To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold, utopian dream. You do something to me that I can't explain. So would I be out of line if I said, I miss you.(?) I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine. You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away. I know I'll see you again whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care and I miss you.

MORE
Posted by SCARED on Fri Nov 10 01:47:05 2000 (#1342)

I'd like to close my eyes and go numb but there's a cold wind coming from the top of the highest high-rise today. It's not a breeze cause' it blows hard. Yes and it wants me to discard the humanity I know, watch the warmth blow away. Do you think I should adhere to that pressing new frontier? And leave in my wake a trail of fear(?) Or should I hold my head up high and throw a wrench and spokes by leaving the air behind me clear? Don't let the world bring you down. Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold. Remember why you came and while you're alive experience the warmth before you grow old.

Yes I feel emphatic about not being static and not eating the bullshit that's being fed to me no more... cause' now I'm full. Just when you thought it was safe to think, in comes mental piracy! What I'm looking for cannot be sold to me. I wish they all would stop trying cause' what I want and what I need, is and will always be free.

REAL POST
Posted by SCARED on Fri Nov 10 01:49:20 2000 (#1343)

WHY? IT ISNT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS. WE LOVE EACH OTHER. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER. WHY? WHY CANT HE STAY? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ALONE AGAIN? WHY?

Re: REAL POST
Posted by FallenAngel on Fri Nov 10 03:59:52 2000 (#1344)

Scared-- I know what it's like to be alone. I fear rejection SO much. E-mail me if you feel like sharing more about your situation. Maybe we can be there for each other.

--FallenAngel

Re: REAL POST
Posted by Lost on Fri Nov 10 09:20:09 2000 (#1348)

Melissa????

alone
Posted by Nuni on Fri Nov 10 05:48:14 2000 (#1346)

Have you ever felt like there really isnt a need for your existence? That is how I feel right now. Why cant I curl up and disappear? When I cut I see the blood turn into tiny beads..it doesnt hurt me, this time I couldnt feel it, the numbness has worsened. the darkness of my despair is consuming me. I have never felt this way. Still I remain...

?
Posted by scared on Fri Nov 10 15:13:32 2000 (#1349)

my name is krystal

Re: ?
Posted by Lost on Fri Nov 10 17:57:36 2000 (#1350)

Oh, I'm sorry... I thought u were a girl that I haven't heard from in a while... she likes incubus a lot too...

Scared
Posted by Christine on Fri Nov 10 18:43:42 2000 (#1351)

Are you new here? Tell us your story or something about you.

Hes still mad at me
Posted by Christine on Fri Nov 10 19:01:54 2000 (#1352)

We'll my friend is still mad at me.He was saying all this shit about me at the dance on Wednsday.We were such good friends he was like the person I could talk to if I was upset.Now hes the person thats making me upset.I was joking around and he knew that.Maybe theres something going on in his life.I dont know but I made it threw Wednsday night and I was alive in the morning.I messed up a really important friendship and I made someone that loved me one day hate me the next.I dont know why I continue my fucked up existence but I feel as if I'm just siting back and watching everything happen.I see my life as hell carried on and maybe one I can be at ease but I have to live a long tourturios life first.

"One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly"

Niezsche

Melissa's ok
Posted by Lost on Fri Nov 10 21:52:37 2000 (#1353)

I don't remember who exactly asked about Melissa, but I talked to her today... so she's ok. But she's going through rough times... so whoever is out her that believes in god pray for her..... thanks.....

ridiculous
Posted by katie on Fri Nov 10 21:58:36 2000 (#1354)

why do i do this? i wanted to cut but i couldn't so i waited... by that time i didn't want to so much, not so urgent, but i did it anyway. like i promised myself, or something. like i had to. but i can't tell if i really have to anymore. i just do, anyway, no matter what. ridiculous.

Re: ridiculous
Posted by laura rose on Fri Nov 10 23:19:09 2000 (#1355)

I think we all get there... we dont even know why we do it anymore... not even sure if it helps, but it is a habit we have... and it is just part of life for us.. something we think about all the time, but never understand why.... the funny thing is.. i am willing to guess that you guys are a lot like me in the fact that you are everyones shoulder to cry on... you can fix the problems of everyone you know...but when it comes to you... you have no clue..well, maybe you do ~ but you decide not to look at it, and instead bury yourself in the lives of others. like with me.. here i am ~ spewing out advise and words of wisdom... but the fact is, when i get done writing this letter, I am going to go cut myself, so have I helped? Perhaps... but am I myself ok? no... odd, isn't it?

~laura

Re: ridiculous
Posted by Nuni on Sat Nov 11 02:07:08 2000 (#1358)

I agree... I know what is up with everyone but ME..

Just venting...I'm okay.
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Nov 11 01:09:30 2000 (#1356)

Did you ever just want to fucking scream until your throat was so sore you couldn't stand it? That's what I wanna do, but I can't keep up appearances and scream at the same time. I'm looking for a job, right, since I don't have one. I live in such a small town that nobody really works here, they go other places. My problem is that I've never really been anywhere but this stupid hole. I don't know my way around the places where the jobs are. When I was a kid, we never went anywhere. I've never been on a vacation, the closest I ever got was a picnic in Kentucky.(I live in Tennessee.) There was never time for anything like that. While all the other kids went to the beach in the summer, where was I? In a damn tomato field, that's where I was. 10 years old and I was trying to pick tomatoes with my 8 year old brother. We were too young for that! "Gotta start 'em out young if they're ever gonna learn to work." that's what my dad always said. Yeah, well, I'm 22 now and in need of a job and what the hell am I qualified to do? I didn't go to college, I can't even afford it! I'm just so mad. I don't cuss in front of my family, but FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! I can only hold it in for so long!!! My brother can't get a job either until the tobacco is sold. Our lives are put on hold for the crops. Never mind that I need to see a doctor for an infection I've had in my bellybutton for two months. I can't even tell my family the ring is in it, because they're too conservative. They question everything I do. If I grab my keys, first thing I hear is 'Where are you going?' It's nobody's damn business! Why can I just tell them that? Because my father will lecture me about having respect for your elders and my mother will start that "I'm a bad mother" shit she always starts. I have tried to get jobs before and she would always come up with some bullshit reason for me not to try. I HATE this! Why can't I just get the hell out of this stupid town before it kills me?!? Okay, there's my rant. I apologize for the language, but it's the only way I can explain this. I just feel smothered.

Love, DB

Re: Just venting...I'm okay.
Posted by Nuni on Sat Nov 11 02:10:37 2000 (#1359)

So... Come out. Leave Tenessee, and we can meet in San Diego CA... the west coast? I know you know and i know you are venting still... dont allow yourself to be smothered, you are of age and can do whatever you want..

Re: Just venting...I'm okay.
Posted by laura rose on Sat Nov 11 03:34:27 2000 (#1360)

Hon... we have talked about this.. and you are right... that town is killing you.... you are being held back... look at your screen name... that says it all. You have wings and it is up to you and only you to get yourself the hell out of there. You are only being held back by your atmosphere.. a small minded town with a close minded family that wants to hold you under your thumb. You are trapped in a jar, and they are trying to close the lid on you... not to kill you, but to keep you... but they dont realize they need to poke holes in the lid in order to not suffocate you.. and that's what you are doing... suffocating.... sit down with a piece of paper and a pen... draw you and draw what you want... draw a straight line and dont let anyone and I mean ANYONE get in your way.... fuck them... this is YOUR time..... *hugs*

~laura

Re: Just venting...I'm okay.
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Nov 11 23:23:11 2000 (#1362)

Both of you are right. I will die if I stay here, but I have no where to go and no money to get there. I've started cutting again. Twice since October 19. Both times were this week. I feel like the life is slowly draining out of my body. Nevertheless, I will smile, for tomorrow is my 23rd birthday and I am expected to be happy. Maybe I won't explode.

love, DB

Class
Posted by Lost on Sat Nov 11 01:20:17 2000 (#1357)

You know... we had to do speeches in speech class the other day and the speeches were "the worst mistake I've ever made" and it made me realize what an evil person I am. I am such a hipocrite... I say mean things about others.. I guess to take the focus off of myself... and when the people got up and poured their hearts out and told their secrets... it made me feel SO EVIL... it also made me realize that u can't judge a book by its cover. so many of those innocent looking people had been through so many bad things and its just so wierd to think that EVERYONE has been through bullshit. Another thing is I just found out that one of my friends was raped and left for dead a yr ago and that she tried to kill herself (when she did this i wasn't around because I was homeless... so i never heard about it) and she's like the most outgoing happy person... we got to talking about it and it AGAIN made me realize that there are people out there that can relate. And for the first time, i admitted that the only time I've ever felt NOT out of place was in the mental hospitals.... and i never wanted to say that because i thought it would make me sound stupid... but she feels the same way. I guess thats kind of dumb that I feel welcome there... i think it might be the same thing with the board... we all have something that ties us together and in a way it puts us at peace even if its only for a short while.... PLEASE don't hate me for anything I said in here.... I just had to talk about these things because i feel like shit for judging..... sorry

Re: Class
Posted by Darkrose on Mon Nov 13 06:10:32 2000 (#1377)

Why would I hate you for anything you wrote there? I know exactly what you're talking about. I judge all the time, automatically, however much I try to avoid it. I think everyone does. It's not necessarily an evil thing, as long as you are able to hear new things and reevaluate your opinions.

I also know what you mean about having someone who can relate. One of my closest friends was also the only one I really talked to about blood and death and things like that.

Well, there is one thing with which I can't sympathize. Nothing bad has ever happened to me [knocks on wood.] I feel so guilty and so stupid about that. I have no bloody reason to be depressed, other than my own stupidity. Ah, enough about me.

hi, i am back
Posted by mallory on Sat Nov 11 22:45:46 2000 (#1361)

hi every one, i havent checked in with this place for a while, there are a lot of new people here, i am doing pritty well, i just hate my school with a passion. its draging me down. i have to go, but if any one would like to email me i would be glad to get back to you. c ya

just lonely I guess...asking questions
Posted by Sara on Sun Nov 12 00:57:25 2000 (#1363)

I am sitting here doing just about nothing, wondering about things there is no answer for. Like, why am I here? Why was I chosen as a person who must cut themselves to deal with life? Am I going to stay with my boyfriend, whom I love very much, for the rest of my life? Are my kids going to ask about my scars someday? What will I say, if they do? WHY DO I HAVE TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS?!?!?!?!?!? I wonder sometimes if other people see me as selfish, because I expect them to try to help out...like, my friends, for example. If I cut myself, I would expect them to notice and hug me and understand and offer support...but it seems that I get none of this if I come to school with new cuts on my wrist, and I wonder what they are thinking. Do they see, and just not care enough to act? Sometimes they act but act wrong...why do they do this? Is it a lack of knowledge, or a lack of UNDERSTANDING? Is there anything I can do to get the point across that I don't want them to ask me WHY, I just want them to hold me, to let the fear melt away? I dont' know why i drive myself mad with these questions I'll never have any answers for, but thank you for reading this anyway, if you did...sometimes it just helps to write.

Re: just lonely I guess...asking questions
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Nov 12 04:24:10 2000 (#1364)

Sara, If you are selfish because you want help, then I am selfish, too. It's good to want help, but disappointing when you don't get it. I'm always asking 'Why?' and 'What if?', too. I don't know the answers, or I wouldn't still feel the way I do. I have to give you credit for something though. When I was your age, I didn't even know enough to realize these were questions I should be thinking about. I think that since the subject of cutting has been opened up, people are asking those questions at an earlier age. I had never heard of cutting when I was your age. I think you may have a head start on getting past this. I'm just now getting around to finding out what cutting is all about. About the way people act toward you and your cuts, I think it's both a lack of knowledge and understanding. If it took a cutter like me this long to find out what it was all about, think about how in the dark everyone else is. Maybe the people you know would like to help, but they don't understand the reasons you cut yourself. Maybe if you told a good friend all about it, then he or she would be a good person to look to for support. Really explain it to them. Go to the library and get a book about cutting and have them read it. If the person really wants to help you, they would read anything to learn more about your problem. ....and writing does help!

Love, DB

Re: just lonely I guess...asking questions
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 12 04:45:00 2000 (#1365)

Hey Guys, You are both right on the money... Oh how I sit and question everything, my mere existence even. I thought I lost my friend when I explained to her that I cut, besides she saw my arm one day , I was trying to hide it, and she saw fresh cuts .. I will never forget the fear in her eyes. I have been living with this so long that to me, its nothing new, but to her it was.. at first she avoided me, it took her sometime to accept that I am the one with the problem. Instead of her rejecting or judging me, she is sticking it out. There are times when I cant fight the urge and I call her up so she can distract me, and keep me from myself long enough to not cut. Thisis how we find people to understand us. We need to get them use to the idea that this is something we do. It just takes time... Sara, you are wise, its okay to sit and think. I believe that it is part of our personalities. It is why we continue to come here.. I think we will all survive this, cutting or not.. just a thought..thanks Hugs, Nuni

Re: just lonely I guess...asking questions
Posted by Sara on Sun Nov 12 23:35:46 2000 (#1372)

See, these are the stories we love to hear...a friend who stuck it out, against the odds. That's great, and I'm happy for you...I'm grateful it turned out that way. And I'm glad to hear that you, too, don't blame me for sitting around and asking questions...I agree that it is part of our personalities. Plus, I know I woulnd't understand half of what I do without questioning things..and allowing myself to feel anger. I wish I could just show my anger to other people without hurting myself first...

Re: just lonely I guess...asking questions
Posted by Sara on Sun Nov 12 23:09:28 2000 (#1371)

Thank you for the note of support...thank you for helping me feel like I'm not a selfish bitch after all. And thanks for the credit you gave me, for acknowledging that I do ask these questions of myself...not many people realize, or like to admit, that asking questions is the hardest thing to do...especially when you know there is no answer to fall back on. Don is really the friend you were talking about, someone who I've told everyone to and who has researched to try to help me...he's done a lot, that's what it comes down to. He's the only non-cutter who seems to understand at least part of the emotional pain...

Re: just lonely I guess...asking questions
Posted by Christine on Mon Nov 13 04:09:26 2000 (#1375)

no one is selfish for wanting help and its alot easyer for poeple not to pretend no to notice things.We are normal people w/ just just cope differently.People dont like things they dont understand and I dont even think a cutter understands what they do its self destructive and it feels good there could be a million reasons we do this but it doesnt matter and what does is how to stop

Re: just lonely I guess...asking questions
Posted by Sara on Mon Nov 13 12:47:30 2000 (#1383)

I hope I CAN stop...these days, I'm so afraid to even hope, because I've hoped so many times...and cut again. I want to be strong enough to put it down, after all this time...it's unfair that this is how it is, it's unfair that things have happened to take even my HOPE away...I'm going to keep fighting though...I haven't cut in a couple weeks now...

Despair
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 12 04:47:35 2000 (#1366)

Re: Despair
Posted by laura rose on Mon Nov 13 05:26:37 2000 (#1376)

I know what you mean... i'm right there with you right now.... things have gone even more to hell than they have been... and I truly feel hopeless right now. What do we do? I don't know... I guess we keep talking about it and let out.... I want you to live, and I know you want me to.. but unless we want that for ourselves.... our hopes are in vain... but I will still hope for you and be here for you.... *hugs*...

~laura

Re: Despair
Posted by Nuni on Mon Nov 13 06:10:43 2000 (#1378)

Thanks for that..hugs to you.. how are you today??? You worried me yesterday, and my concern remained. I try to quiet my mind by writing, it helps, but not always. I visited your page today. you did some changes. Very nice, one day I hope to do something like that. For what it is worth, you have a beautiful child, (like his momma) take it easy on yourself. My mind is quiet right now..(thank goodness) my psycho analysis starts tomorrow and I am a bit nervous. I actually survived the whole weekend without cutting (4 days) How are you? e-mail me if you like..

Re: Despair
Posted by laura rose on Mon Nov 13 08:03:25 2000 (#1380)

Hi.... wow! 4 days!! I am sooo proud of you. Congratulations (do they make cards for that kinda thing? hehe)... any way... I know you are nervous about tomorrow, but it could help you, right? We all can use a little help now and then. I'm sorry if I scared you last night. I did not mean to.. i just was unsure of what would happen... and I did not want to leave anything unsaid, you know? Tonight is not going too well... Josh and I got in a fight and one of my best friends and I got in a fight. Thank you for visiting my site... hope ya like it... let me and everyone else know how tomorrow goes, ok? I'll be thinking about you.....

Re: Despair
Posted by Nuni on Mon Nov 13 17:10:22 2000 (#1384)

Thank You! I am glad you were able to come on here the other day and express your sadness.. Just keep coming back ok?? ~hugs to you~

More rambling.
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Nov 12 05:41:42 2000 (#1367)

Okay, I know those posts I put up are disturbing. Sometimes you just need to write it down, like Sara said. I am a bit depressed, I'll admit. I took a pair of pliers and ripped the lock off the box that held me x-acto blade. I made several shallow cuts on my thigh, but I feel better now. Anyway, the important thing is that I talked to my cousin and got my problems out in the open and I feel okay right now. I know just talking doesn't get me very far from home, but it's good to have your feelings validated. I can't tell my parents any of this stuff, but I can tell Susie and I can tell everyone here and I know that I will not be criticized. That means a lot to me. I love you all.

Signed, a slightly delirious DB ;)

Re: More rambling.
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 12 07:19:39 2000 (#1369)

Rambling MY ASS...If that were a crime..hmm I wonder where i would be. We love you too.

oh hell.....
Posted by laura rose on Sun Nov 12 06:55:43 2000 (#1368)

so um... you all know by now about that whole suicide thing i just went through. you would think that it would have opened my eyes.. but um.. here I am thinking about killing myself. i want so badly to die... i dont get it... I consider myself to be one of the most caring people in the world... but as much as i care... i am SOOOO hateful. Josh even pointed it out to me the other day... I'm angry and bitter, but mostly hateful.. and i feel guilty for the hate i feel, so i turn it on myself. GRR... i am so fucking unstable right now... "dismal beginnings breed suicide ends" ( i made that up tonight... now you see where my head is ).... guys... i want to die tonight and it is going to take a lof for me to not do it.. i'm not doing this for attention, i just need to say it.. maybe because if something happens, you guys wont be able to stop me, but if nothing happens, you will still be here tomorrow...i'm glad i dont own a gun.... fuck guys.. i'm sorry..

~laura

Re: oh hell.....
Posted by Nuni on Sun Nov 12 07:25:26 2000 (#1370)

I cant tell you no, Id like to be there with you though. I visit your web page, you allow us to see who you are, you share your poetr, we get to know a precious side of you. we cant be there physically to help you, only spiritually. Who the fuck am I to say dont do it, when i fight the urge myself. All I can say is wait, hang out, share with us, call someone, angry or not, bitter or not, you feel therefore you are.. Reach out, I feel your bitterness, I cant bear a child, I love yours.. still who the fuck am I? Stick around ok.. dont apologize your feelings are yours..We feel you too.

Dream... not a nightmare
Posted by Lost on Mon Nov 13 00:43:08 2000 (#1373)

Well I had a DREAM last night... and to most people it would be a nightmare... but this was a wonderful dream to me. In the dream me and 2 other people killed ourselves by shooting ourselves in the head. I know that sounds harsh... but it was such a great dream. The feeling that accompanied that dream. I can still remember exactly how it felt. As (in the dream) I closed my eyes that sense of peace that I felt was indescribable. There was silence at last. I want to feel that way. I want it to no longer be a dream, but a reality.... and I know I won't have to wait much longer.

LOST
Posted by MELISSA on Mon Nov 13 01:28:04 2000 (#1374)

I LOVE YOU LOST. YOUR A GREAT FRIEND. AND DISPITE HOW YOU FEEL ANY SMART PERSON WOULD BE GREATFUL TO HAVE YOU AS SO (A FRIEND). I WISH I HAD THE MAGIC WORDS TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER BUT I KNOW THATS NOT POSSIBLE. BUT YOU DO ME ALOT TO ME. YOU MAKE ME LAUGH ... NOT TO MANT PEOPLE DO THAT. IM JUST SAYING THAT ITS GREAT TO HAVE YOU AROUND.

MELISSA

Re: LOST
Posted by Lost on Mon Nov 13 08:11:13 2000 (#1381)

thank you so much sweetie!!! Yay! :) You made me smile!

frusterated
Posted by Selene on Mon Nov 13 07:49:15 2000 (#1379)

Ok, Im seriously tired of this. Its like, Whenever i cut I dont think of nothing else, then I look at the cut a few days later and I cant understand why I did it, I mean why didnt I just talk to someone? But no one understands me. They just say "Well, just stop" or they ask me why I do it. Sometimes I dont even know why I do it. I just do. Does anyone know if this is normal? I havent needed stitches, I dont think I have. Im not a doctor. It used to be if I had a bad day, I always looked forward to night cuz I knew Id be alone and I could cut, but now I cut at school and Whenever I need to. Not just at night. I dont even think when I do it, its like a reflex, it just happens. Can anyone relate. Or am I crazy?

Re: frusterated
Posted by laura rose on Mon Nov 13 09:46:14 2000 (#1382)

Selene, I think you just described each and every one of us. Am I right guys? I feel the same way.. I do it while driving down the road. I'll be in the middle of something and I have to stop and go cut.. for no reason at all. It's a second nature.. so this is what I started doing... when I go to cut.. I have a piece of paper and a pen right by where I keep my razors. Either before or after I do it... I write down the time, how many cuts, how deep and what I was feeling at the time that I did it and what I'm feeling after doing it... It's only been a day or 2 that I have been doing this.. but it's odd... I mean, eventually I'd be willing to bet you would start to see a pattern... and also ~ it may make you realize just how bad it is, because it will be staring back at you in your own handwriting....and I know that this sounds ridiculous to a lot of you... and it prolly is... but so is cutting over and over again, and not giving something else a try, you know?

just a thought.. is it a stupid idea? hm.. oh well, call me stupid then.. But to answer your questions... yes, we can relate and we are here for you... and no, you are not crazy... unless one of your other personalities is cutting while another is cooking dinner and another is watching tv.. well ~ you get the idea.. sorry.. just trying to make ya smile... you are not crazy though.. if you are, all of us are...

~laura rose (who is very tired and prolly made no sense just now....)

Re: frusterated
Posted by Darkrose on Thu Nov 16 06:52:15 2000 (#1407)

I find that it is sometimes a reflex - unconscious - for me as well. I don't even think. Numbed I reach for the metal, and numbed I survey the damage done. In this void there is no comprehension . . . Gosh, I'm depressing tonight.

I don't know if there is any thing "normal". If normal is simple majority, well, then its abnormal to be male. No offense to anyone - I think you all understand what I mean. I'm sorry. I just dislike that word normal, at the same time that I strive for some semblance of it. I am Coleridge's truth, and it gets pretty confusing in here sometimes.

In short, I can relate. And I don't think you're crazy (although I don't really know you.) I have some doubts about myself, though, especially when I post this late at night . . . or early in the morning, whichever. I apologize if I made less sense than usual.

Why I love everyone here...and my little epiphany.
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Nov 13 17:34:49 2000 (#1385)

I do love you all. It's mostly because everyone is so selfless and caring. There's nothing fake about anyone here. The love is real and the pain, sadly is real, too. I love Laura Rose because she's like one of the best friends I have in this world. I will never be able to express in words what she has meant to me since we've gotten to know each other. I love Sara because she tries so hard to understand the cutting and she shouldn't have to do that at her age. Still, she worries that it is selfish to want someone to care and it breaks my heart for her and I love her all the more. I love Nuni because she just wants to take care of everyone here. I would be proud to call her my sister. I love Katie, Kate, Christine, Maggie, Selene, Melissa, Lost, Scared, Mallory, and Linda, too. I love all of you and I honestly believe that you love me, too. I am very lucky to know all of you. On a darker note, I cut the word 'CUT' into my thigh last night. I didn't feel it after I got started. I also scratched up a place on my stomach and made a little cut on my ankle. Today, they hurt, last night, I felt nothing. Not even a sting when I cleaned up the cuts. I don't think I need stitches, though. I need to get more gauze and tape if I'm gonna keep doing this. I have a first aid kit under my desk, but it's running low. Last night I realized why I cut. I know this message is running long, but humor me! For the past couple of years, I've been worrying about how I would eventually have to go back to therapy and talk about why I secretly resent my parents. (if you don't already know, read my post, Just venting, and you'll get the idea.) I don't want to resent them. They have never abused me and have always provided for me, but still I resent them for controlling me so much. I always felt that these feelings were unjustified and I had a lot of guilt because of them. I cut myself so I won't feel resentful. So, last night, after I cut, I was writing in my journal when I understood the cutting, finally. At first I thought it was due to criticism, but criticism is a control mechanism, right? Anyway, that's what I'm calling it. As soon as I resolve my resentment, I will stop cutting and get on with my life. I'm feeling very Zen-like right now.

Re: Why I love everyone here...and my little epiph
Posted by katie on Mon Nov 13 19:33:20 2000 (#1386)

everyone is so wonderful. you're fabulous.

i wish i weren't so afraid of loving people and being loved. then i could say i love you all too.

hey. i guess i did.

:) katie

Re: Why I love everyone here...and my little epiph
Posted by Nuni on Mon Nov 13 21:08:50 2000 (#1387)

Katie, that was so sweet remember that feeling, it gets bigger everytime..its good.

DB, For everyone there is a time of self discovery. I am happy for your break through. Continue... We love you!!!!

Re: Why I love everyone here...and my little epiph
Posted by Sara on Mon Nov 13 23:39:24 2000 (#1388)

Ah DB...you have no idea...it is messages like this, full of love and truth, that give me hope to move on, to survive..because I DO love you too, and I want to be here, I want to be your friend...because knowing you can see and understand how hard I try, when so many others just don't get it...because from this post, I know how much you care about me. I CARE ABOUT YOU TOO. Wow, what I would have given to BE there with you last night!! You know I would do anything to help you...I just wish there was more in my hands. I love you like an older sister I never got the chance to love before, and I thank you for all you said about me...please, don't ever hesitate to email me, to post...anything...I am younger, but I will try to help you...I will understand. I love you DB, and thank you again...

Re: Why I love everyone here...and my little epiph
Posted by Linda on Tue Nov 14 20:13:32 2000 (#1391)

Awwwwwww Lori, thanks for including me in your list. I feel bad because I have gotten heavily involved in my weight loss and Bible study lately (I have to teach this coming Sunday) and I haven't been here for you all. I hope you all know by now that if you need me, my Inbox is always open, even if I can't come as regularly as before. You guys are all very special and have been a big part of my life for the past few months. Because of you, I feel I can help others around me. Love to all!

First session
Posted by Nuni on Tue Nov 14 02:39:44 2000 (#1389)

Hey guys, I had my first session today. It was weird, I had been through therapy before, but this is analysis, the "couch" WOW! it was so different, I was at such a loss for words. i felt guilty like I was wasting my Doctors time. anyway, I have to go four times a week, and when I left there, I had such a headache, I wonder if I am sturdy enough... I just want to feel unstuck, and I dont want to allow the darkness that so often consumes to take over me completely..until tomorrow, thanks everyone for allowing me to ramble.