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Threads 451 to 500

This world is a bunch of BS!!!
Posted by Christine on Wed Nov 29 00:21:33 2000 (#1601)

I havent been having the best of days this week sucks major ass.I just want to go somewere were no one will bother me.Yesterday was just anoying and I wanted to shoot my teachers in the head.Today I got sent to the office because my teacher wanted me to move desks I refused so she sent me down to the office.I didnt move because there was a fucked up reason why I wouldnt.Then in another class I didnt get the work so I was I dont get this work and most of the class doesnt.I asked if we could one day try doing it as a group so it would be easyer.He was like if you dont like the way I teach you can leave.I was like I was just sugesting and he went on and was like you should drop out.I walked out 5 min. early and he told me he was going to write me up.Then on the way home I got my ass kicked.By 3 people.I really want to just end this stupid life.My fucking mother is getting on my case I swear I'm gonna kill her.

Re: This world is a bunch of BS!!!
Posted by Wondering on Wed Nov 29 03:07:19 2000 (#1605)

Well maybe you should talk to a councler or someone who could probably help you. I hope that your ok and i just want you to know even though I don't know you i love you and care about you. I understand what your going through i've been there already and i'm only 14, every one says "the teenage years are the hardest" but i prefer to think of them as the best times of our lives, and the worst but the worst is always part of "the plan" to help us deal with petty problems when we're older. If you want to talk to me e-mail me at whit.p@lycos.com, my name is Whitney and i care. Love always

cutting
Posted by Wondering on Wed Nov 29 02:57:00 2000 (#1603)

I don't know what to do, my cousin is a cutter and I want to help her but I don't know wether my family would be mad at me or not. Help me!!

Re: cutting
Posted by Christine on Wed Nov 29 04:06:47 2000 (#1607)

I dont think it matters what your family thinks.I think it is a great thing that you want to help her.That shows you really care.If you have any questions I'm here and I dont think any one else would mind helping you either.Oh and welcom to the board.

Re: cutting
Posted by laura rose on Wed Nov 29 06:06:10 2000 (#1609)

Hm.... why do you think your family would be mad at you? If you tell, I am going to tell you that your cousin will be mad at you. She will not trust you. And it may lead her to cutting more. But.... if you talk to her, love her and pretend to understand, even if you don't... you may be able to convince her to get help. You can't do that for her, it has to be her decision. Helping someone who SI's is a draining process... it takes a lot out of you and forces you to see/hear things that will disturb you. Be sure that you are up for that. Don't forget to be you... enjoy your life... um... I don't know if any of this has helped, but if you ever have any questions.. feel free to ask. Take care.. just that post alone shows that you are a really caring person.. perhaps you could tell your cousin about this site.

~laura

Strange???
Posted by Christine on Wed Nov 29 04:20:00 2000 (#1608)

I havent had the best day today and I gave into the erge.It wasnt going away I couldnt sleep it off and I was geting low on ciggerets.I sat behind my door and I went into a kinda trance I knew what I was doing but not really.I finished and put all my stuff away I rolled my sleave back up and I didnt just have cuts I had carved the words "Save Me" I hadent noticed I'd done it and I wasnt even looking at my arm as I was cutting I was staring into space singing w. the radio.It was just kinda wierd,has it ever happened to anyone else?

If u had ONE wish...
Posted by Lost on Wed Nov 29 07:52:37 2000 (#1611)

Ok if you could have ONE wish come true... what would it be? It could be ANYTHING in the whole wide world (cept for not cutting anymore... cuz i know everyone would wish for that).

My wish would be to have a home, job and all that stuff... happily married with 2 little toddlers running around in my front yard while they scream and play with their daddy. Just to feel safe and be HAPPY.

What about you guys??

Re: If u had ONE wish...
Posted by Sara on Wed Nov 29 13:13:25 2000 (#1612)

My wish would be similar to yours, except the children part would come far in the future...I want to feel SAFE. My wish would be to be with Don...probably I'd make it so that I skipped the next, say, 5 years, so that I can live with Don and we can finally be together whenever we want to...it may seem to some like a selfish wish, but that it's how it's meant. I just know that once we can be together all the time, I will FEEL that safety and love, and everything will fall into place from there. Including ending this nightmare.

Re: If u had ONE wish...
Posted by laura rose on Thu Nov 30 00:22:00 2000 (#1617)

this is soooo cliche... but I would want racism to end.... that or hunger/starvation to end...

~laura (who is going to see her counselor in about a half an hour)

Re: If u had ONE wish...
Posted by Darkrose on Sat Dec 2 04:29:26 2000 (#1659)

I think I'd go with the cliche, too. I'd like each person to find peace (although not complacency!) within her or his heart.

Re: If u had ONE wish...
Posted by Baleigh on Thu Nov 30 01:04:36 2000 (#1619)

Ummm... to be in college, bartending, with TJ as a room mate, partying like mad, with all my high school shit put behind me. yup yup... football games, psychology class, pep rallies, guys, clubs, raves, alcohol, shopping, journalism class, metaphysics class, philosophy, being super smart and sexy all the while, NOT gaining my freshmen 10... yet losing my HS senior fat. christ... perhaps even Robby could come... nothing like having the hottest guy in school tag along to college with me and the best buddy boy. >sigh cries< I hate boys...

Opps! Re: If u had ONE wish...
Posted by Baleigh on Thu Nov 30 01:07:36 2000 (#1620)

Well... half my post was between the >sigh and cries< I said that it wasn't a wish... all thatwould come true... so my wish was to now why Brian stopped talking to me... bleh... bastard

Re: If u had ONE wish...
Posted by Marie on Thu Nov 30 22:38:09 2000 (#1632)

If I had one wish, I would move to Scotland and study their oral tradition and write a novel about the Scottish heritage. (sigh)

Re: If u had ONE wish...
Posted by Kate on Fri Dec 1 02:36:07 2000 (#1638)

My wish would to get rid of all the pop culture. Especially Brittany Spears and Christina Algerlara. I wish some hard ass women rockers would come and rock them out of here. I have so much anger told all of this bullshit cheesy music. IT has made our world hell.

Refreshed
Posted by Maggie on Wed Nov 29 13:34:05 2000 (#1613)

Ok well I ran out of my meds. I had a 3 week supply that I never wanted anyway, but was forced into them by my shrink. I must admit that the 3 weeks that I took them, it helped a lot. I didn't really cut and was more emotionally stable. But I decided that I didn't want anymore and so stopped. Anyway 3 days later I found myself being all hyper-sensitive again and couldn't resist the urge to cut. I decided that I want to cut, and nobody has the right to stop me. I took drugs to stop, to make others minds at rest, but it didn't make me feel better. Cutting does help and the truth is that I quite enjoy it. So I went at myself again, and I realised what I was missing out on. I've tried dealing like a normal person, I've let pros try to help me, but you can't help someone who doesn't think what they do is wrong. It makes my friends happy that I stopped saying negative things, but that doesn't mean I don't think them. So I figure I can let everyone think I'm 'cured' but just continue to do it. Anyway one of my friends noticed new cuts and made me promise to call the clinic and tell them that I started again. After a 2 hour protest I gave in because he got really upset and guilt-tripped me. So I called the place and the lady went psycho that I stopped taking meds. She said that you aren't meant to suddenly stop those pills and that I had to urgently get more. And I thought I over-reacted! Then she said I had to have a follow-up appt with the shrink and go to a psychologist and group therapy and all this shit that isn't gonna help anyway. None of them will ever understand why I do it and so how can they expect to convince me out of it? I never told her I cut again in the end... The reason that SI is so appealing is because it gives me back a sense of control over my life. At the moment I am just trying to please everybody else even though it isn't pleasing me. What they don't know wont hurt them anyway right? SI works and it doesn't ever let me down, like these people that try make me stop. So guys I broke my abstinance period and I am pleased to be active in this 'hobby' again.

Re: Refreshed
Posted by Nuni on Wed Nov 29 16:52:02 2000 (#1614)

Oh Maggie, I'm sorry that things turned out that way. I know what you mean about pretending to be ok, and really thinking of all these things in your head. It hurts me to know that you are cutting again. I feel th anxiety I told you about, I havent cut in two weeks, but I feel I need to I am fighting it...never mind. Maggie I hope I can do something to help you. Hugs, Nuni

Re: Refreshed
Posted by Sophie on Wed Nov 29 16:56:59 2000 (#1615)

I agree about seeing nothing wrong with cutting and how it's enjoyable. I've told many people this and there are only a few who understand this and don't make such a big deal about as everyone else. Although these people are rare, it's good to know that there are people out there who understand this piont of view.

Rape
Posted by rachel on Wed Nov 29 23:56:24 2000 (#1616)

hey.

last night my friend told me that she was being raped by her step dad. she told me that i was the only person she has told and she made me promise not to tell anybody else. but im really worried about her, im not sure what i should do. does any one have any ideas? thanx.

Re: Rape
Posted by laura rose on Thu Nov 30 00:25:16 2000 (#1618)

Um.... seeing as how I have been there... I need you to do this. Go to RAINN's website. There is a link to it on my site... which is http://nav.to/lauravandegrift

RAINN was created by tori amos and it stands for rape and incest national network. They have a 1-800 number.... you make the call, or have her call... they WILL help her, but only if she wants it.... and you can give her my email addy if you want to also.... I know how it feels...

*hugs* ~laura

Re: Rape
Posted by Marie on Thu Nov 30 22:26:52 2000 (#1631)

The best thing you could do is tell the police. I know it's hard. When I was a teen I was raped and I told only my closest friend and begged her not to tell anyone. Now I wish with all my heart that she would have said something. I was too scared to tell the authorities and my telling her was a very scarey first step. If she told you it's her way of asking for help. Please, please tell someone... she needs you.

bulimia
Posted by anonymoous on Thu Nov 30 01:07:56 2000 (#1621)

i am a new bulimic and would really like to talk to someone who can maybe relate....

Re: bulimia
Posted by laura rose on Thu Nov 30 05:09:58 2000 (#1623)

*raises hand*..... 13 years of bulimia (and anorexia).... if you ever wanna talk, my AIM sn is somefumblerchick. Um.. or you can email me... There is a website that you should check out. It's www.perkybitch.com ~ it has sooooo much info, my friend amber runs it. *hugs*

~laura

Yup yup... cut again
Posted by Baleigh on Thu Nov 30 01:09:10 2000 (#1622)

Yay... did it again. Oh boy! I'm such a nut. there wasn't a reason as to why I did... I was just sitting there and happened to glance at my razor box... so I got it and went to town again... oh well... this addiction blows!

Re: Yup yup... cut again
Posted by laura rose on Thu Nov 30 06:22:19 2000 (#1625)

I'm sorry to hear that.... I hope you are ok... *hugs* ~laura

Re: Yup yup... cut again
Posted by Baleigh on Thu Nov 30 22:18:00 2000 (#1630)

: ) thanks! I'm okay... it wasn't anything big

Me, too.
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Nov 30 17:20:32 2000 (#1626)

I cut myself last night. Don't feel bad Baleigh. I was writing a note to my cousin. Actually it was in this book of my poetry that I gave her. I knew that when she read it, she would know something weird was going on, so I told her before she read my poems. She was very accepting but last night, I started thinking about how maybe I shouldn't have told her about the cutting since she doesn't cut and she probably thinks it's repulsive. I wondered if she thought less of me now that she knows. Anyway, the more I thought about it, the more upset I got. I reached under my matress and got my razors out and cut up a little area on my left thigh. It didn't bleed much, but it didn't really hurt either. So, anyway, I will have a new scab to pull of to see the blood now. I do that, you know. I pull the scabs off the old cuts and let them bleed, that way I don't have to cut so often. Anybody else do that?

Love, DB

Re: Me, too.
Posted by Nuni on Thu Nov 30 19:35:56 2000 (#1627)

It had been 16 days yesterday, and my mom and i had an awful argument cocerning my husband, my friends, and anything in general she felt she could insult. I fought the urge, and instead I resorted to eating "comfort food"... I stuffed myself, and realized I hadnt binged and purged in almost three years... So I didnt, but I felt like a blimp. I had a good run this morning, and before I got in the shower i took a razor to my stomach. First I sat in my truck holding my little tupperware container where I keep all my stuff, ointment, bandages, RAZORS..and I think sat there for 15 minutes. I finally went in to the locker room undressed and remembered what i had been missing out on . Oh what a relief that was. The initial sting, and then the trickles of blood, why quit when not ready to i suppose. I am at work now, and I have to wear this polyester uniform and it keeps rubbing on my raw skin.. I feel sadness, guilt, but an unusual kind of sedation. So my friend, ME too, I am with you. as the scab part, what i do is scrub my cuts hard with a wash cloth when I shower. they really itch so I scrub til I bleed again...nice. We all do things. i love you. Hugs

Re: Me, too. (Nuni)
Posted by Maggie on Fri Dec 1 00:11:33 2000 (#1633)

I'm really sorry to hear that you needed to cut again. But isn't it such a relief after so long without it??? Don't take this as encouragement though, but I have come to realise that unless you really want to stop, then you wont. Instead I find that while I refrain all the anxiety builds up and I cut again with a vengeance - worse than before! But all the same I am sad to hear that you had to give in. Hugs to you!!! It helps if you cover the cuts with plasters or something when you are wearing clothes over them.

And do you know why that they itch????? That really confuses me coz accidental cuts never itch, but self-inflicted ones do... Sometimes it is worse than mosquito bites!

Take care. xxxoooxxx

Re: Me, too. (Maggie)
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 1 03:30:27 2000 (#1639)

thanks for the hugs DITTO... No kidding they do itch. Plasters? i have never actually used anything, just a little ointment, and tadaa, a little messy but...oh hell, the point is, I hadnt cut in so long and its true I did it again and with a vengeance. I told my shrink, its easier to talk about and "explore", but I pretty much made it clear that I AM NOT ready to STOP. Luckily he wasnt quick to jump on pushing me to quit. He said we can continue to work on this even if I continued to cut. He doesnt surprise me anymore I really got lucky with him. I'm glad you wrote that, the fact that I am not alone in wanting it after so long lessens the guilt, know what I mean? Hugs to you too xxxxoxxxxx How are you doing?? Nuni

Re: Yup yup... cut again
Posted by Marie on Thu Nov 30 22:17:55 2000 (#1629)

I know the feeling, B. I vowed to quit... then last night I was bathing and shaving my legs... I just couldn't resist. I broke the shaver and took out the razor and cut. I hate feeling so weak... I hate letting this addiction get the better of me.

Re: Yup yup... cut again
Posted by Christine on Fri Dec 1 04:20:44 2000 (#1642)

Well I cant say I am any better the cutting just gets worse by the day.I remember just a couple months ago I was fine I could go weeks or months w/ out cutting but my addiction is kinda like drugs or an eating disorder u are never fully cured.When I got out of the hospital I went longer than a year w/out cutting and even when it started it wasnt bad I'v had sooooooo many bad patches I look like the ham at x-mas w/ criss crosses all over.Most of the other cuts were light and didnt scar now I just keep cutting deeper I really need help.I think I might go to one of those rehab places for cutters.I really need to go to bed bye*

Re: Yup yup... cut again
Posted by katie on Fri Dec 1 04:16:45 2000 (#1641)

yeah... must be the week for it, or something. i did today, after at least a couple of weeks not cutting. i feel okay, but honestly i felt okay to begin with, and i worry that maybe i just don't feel anything and can't tell anymore.

oh well. good luck, all... katie

I finally did it!
Posted by Marie on Thu Nov 30 22:09:35 2000 (#1628)

I am a psychology student at a south Florida university and my abnormal psychology teacher is a behaviorist. He has agreed to help me stop cutting. I finally got the guts to ask for help. I really want to stop cutting, I want a normal life, I want to wear a bathing suit again one day... Guys, don't be afraid to ask for help. I know it's hard, it was for me, but I know it is worth it. I finally feel like I might have a chance at getting better.

Re: I finally did it!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Dec 1 01:08:53 2000 (#1635)

Good for you!!!! This is great! I hope it works for you. Maybe if you find something that helps, you could tell us about it. I was reading about how your dream was to move to Scotland and study the history. My family is full of Scots. I love genealogy and history. I traced the Scottish branch of my family 42 generations back. The family name is Irwin/Irvine.

Love, DB

Re: I finally did it!
Posted by Marie on Fri Dec 1 15:03:37 2000 (#1650)

Wow! I'd love to be able to trace my family history/geneology back like that. I've just began my treatments, so I don't know how it'll turn out. I am seeing a Behavior Analyst as opposed to a Psychologist... He works with MD's to find a good medicine and he combines the medicine with therapy and behavior modification techniques. He said the change sould come gradually... Honey, if it helps, I'll be the first to let all of you know. I know that we all want help or we wouldn't be posting, you know? If just one of us can be 'cured' then there's hope for all of us. :)

Bitter-sweet
Posted by Maggie on Fri Dec 1 00:25:06 2000 (#1634)

Hmmm. Last night I went out with a friend and she brought along some other guys I didn't know. One guy Peter was really cute, charming, good dancer, smart etc,etc. Because I had made a decision to keep away from guys for a long time I never took much notice. But then we all went back to his place for coffee afterwards and he started giving me a foot massage, then a back massage, and I gave him one back. We ended up holding hands snuggled up on the couch. Then my friend got tired and wanted to go, but on the way out Peter asked for my number which I gave him. This morning he rang me asking me to meet up with him tonight. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Last night I was in denial that he may like me because I am sick of falling for people and then them walking all over me. I don't know if I am strong enough to handle another such experience. But I do like him because he is so perfect, but there has to be a catch right??? I keep asking why someone like that would fall for me, but then I realise that it is because he doesn't really know me yet. So that makes me want to stay away, because once he finds out who i really am, then it will scare him away. But I hate missing out on given opportunities... I would never tell him about my SI, but if I do lose him, or if he does use me, then I can't imagine where I will end up, given my current emotional stability.

What do I do???

Re: Bitter-sweet
Posted by Baleigh on Fri Dec 1 01:32:01 2000 (#1636)

Awww Hunny! I'm glad you said something along the lines of guys... I'm always afraid to bring them up cause I feel like everyone is wanting me to shut up about them. But I have you to talk to!! Yay! I say go for him! But I know what you mean when you say you're tired of falling for guys... then them wlaking out on you. I wish I had a dollar for every time I still think about Brian... and how much I miss him... and why he did what he did. But oh well. And I don't know hwat to do about the SI thing either... I mean, there's a new guy now... I doubt anything will come of us because he's too good for me... but if things do happen... and he see's the scars... I mean... I have to tell him. Bleh... But Hunny... tell him when you think the time is right... and only then. If he understands... then he's all the more perfect... if not... he's an ass and you can SO do better. : )

Re: Bitter-sweet
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 1 07:55:27 2000 (#1645)

you know what I've always done? I've always told guys from the VERY beggining. I tell them about the cutting, the SI... everything. And the ones that have a problem with it... leave and the ones who don't... stay. Its easier that way because they leave before u start caring about them. Its easier for me that way... because in a way I WANT these things to push them away because i don't feel that I deserve to be liked... and also I'm just a very open person. Ok this was pointless... sorry

Re: Bitter-sweet
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 1 07:53:11 2000 (#1644)

Sounds like you are in a predicament all of us have faced one time or antoher. i wont tell you what to do...BUT, what I can offer is my little OPINION ;) If you give it a chance you really have nice nothing to lose, maybe gain a little more experince. Like you said about opportunities, just dont rush into things with him. Play it smart, maybe he;e thinking he doesnt deserve someone like you. I think many of us can agree that what we know of you We love, I do..you are very sweet. Ofcourse its natural to be cautious. Bit isnt that the case in everything we do? Go on Maggie my sweet treat yourself to the freshness of new relationship, Pace yourself, you may never know... Hugs...keep us updated :) Nuni

More Venting....
Posted by Kate on Fri Dec 1 02:19:10 2000 (#1637)

I just got off the phone with my friend and we were talking about how sick we are of all the pretty boys and pretty girls that hang around the bars. You can't go anywhere without seeing a guy with gelled up hair and kacki pants and a pressed shirt. Of course I am not good enough for him becuase I don't spend more time on my hair than them. Everyone is so shallow around here all they care about is looks. No one tries to get to know me for me. I have brown hair and green eyes. I am not ugly but I am not the typical bubble gum blond with glitter and hair ribbons. That seems to be the only thing people want. Thanks for letting me vent.

Re: More Venting....
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Dec 1 04:05:51 2000 (#1640)

Amen! I know just what you mean. I don't like the glittery look either. I have brown hair and brown eyes. I'm not ugly, but I realize I'm no prize either. Still, what do all the popular girls look like? Britney Spears clones. Every time I go to the mall, I wish all those prisses just get explosive diarrhea! I would probably wet myself from laughing so hard. I guess it's my idea of divine retribution. But honestly, can you blame me? Who wants to go to the mall and spike the cappucino machine with Ex-lax? I know Kate will go with me!

Love, DB

Re: More Venting....
Posted by Christine on Fri Dec 1 04:45:01 2000 (#1643)

I hate those snotty girls that come in 2 were I work and give me the biggest attitude ever( I work at a Subway).They come in and ask what has less fat I'm like how do I know I just make the god damn thing finally after thay decide they want a salad or a wrap they ask for cookies,chips and,a diet soda.I was liek what was the point of that u said you wanted something low fat and then u get greasy chips and sugar filled cookies.Then they sit down and they go around the table anouncing who there dating this week and how far they've gone.This group of girl always come in on Saturday they go get there naild done and come and eat.Its not that there nicer or a better person they put out and thats why guys like them.As pretty as these girls might be on the out side they are so ugly on the inside they make up for it w/ apperence and sexual favores.While me I like my burgundy/purple hair,green eyes,and glitter(w/ looks better on ppl like us then Britny wanna bes)I dont dress like them either I'm either gothic,grunge,punk,or just in sweats.I refuse to listen to pop music because it pisses me off and I like punk/ska and metal so much more.

Re: More Venting....
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 1 10:00:30 2000 (#1647)

christine. You sound just like me :)

Re: More Venting....
Posted by Kate on Fri Dec 1 13:40:55 2000 (#1649)

Thanks guys. I'm glad that you agree with me. I like metal also like Godsmack, Korn, and Metallica. I also like Garbage. This music actually has depth to it, not like the Backstreet who sing about how good looking they are. Please!

Re: More Venting....
Posted by Christine on Sat Dec 2 05:09:58 2000 (#1662)

Garbage has a couple songs about deppresion and medication.Shirly Manson is a sexy bitch!The other bands are really good 2.

What happened??? (EVERYONE)
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 1 08:02:25 2000 (#1646)

What happened you all?? We were doing so well. I hope you are all doing ok, and didnt cause too much damage. Please feel free to e-mail me. I wont say DONT do it again, because I couldnt go longer than 16 days, adn I gave in. Yes it was great, ADDICTION??? yes big time. Lets continue to be there for one another. Hugs to all!!

Re: What happened??? (EVERYONE)
Posted by Sara on Fri Dec 1 13:24:50 2000 (#1648)

I know, I was just thinking about this earlier...it seems that the last I remember, we were all talking about how much we'd love to get out and how much hope we had, and that we hadn't cut in a while and felt that maybe we wouldn't cut again...what DID happen? It's as though we're so connected that when one of us falls, we all go down together. In a way, that's good I guess...not that we've fallen, but that we can truly support one another. I love you all...this board has become my second home, and you, my second family. Thank you. Keep safe.

Re: What happened??? (EVERYONE)
Posted by laura rose on Sat Dec 2 02:10:50 2000 (#1651)

Hm... I was thinking the exact same thing. We were all doing well. But I know that we will all be doing well again. Cause we are here for eachother and can relate to eachother. This is just one of many rough patches we will have and the comfort we will have is knowing that even though we all live in various places... we are NOT alone, and that is the purpose of this message board.... *huge hugs* to all....

~laura

Re: What happened??? (EVERYONE)
Posted by kate on Sat Dec 2 02:42:01 2000 (#1654)

I am not cutting anymore. I have been tempted. But i am getting better. I just like you guys and I am here for support.

MELISSA?!?!?!?!
Posted by laura rose on Sat Dec 2 02:12:13 2000 (#1652)

Has anyone heard from or talked to her? Melissa, if you are reading this, I'm really worried about you, hon and I want to know if you are ok... or at least making it through the days... *hugs* ~laura

Re: MELISSA?!?!?!?!
Posted by Lost on Sat Dec 2 03:26:52 2000 (#1656)

I saw her online 2 seconds ago but she didn't respond to me. I'm worried about her too! At least we know she is alive though... but I hope she's doing ok... if anyone hears from her, let me know please....

saw melissa
Posted by Lost on Sun Dec 3 04:32:44 2000 (#1679)

well I see her name online a lot... and I try to talk to her.... BUT she refuses to respond to me. i don't know why. but if any of u get through to her... let me know. thanks

how old are you?
Posted by kate on Sat Dec 2 02:39:14 2000 (#1653)

I was wondering how old you guys are? You all seem so mature. I am 22.

Re: how old are you?
Posted by Lost on Sat Dec 2 03:23:40 2000 (#1655)

17-girlie

Re: how old are you?
Posted by Darkrose on Sat Dec 2 04:32:03 2000 (#1660)

I'm just a little older - 18. But most of the time I feel much younger.

Re: how old are you?
Posted by katie on Sat Dec 2 04:50:23 2000 (#1661)

mature, heh... i'm 19.

:)

Re: how old are you?
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 2 05:18:10 2000 (#1663)

Ok, I revealed that SECRET once before. i dont think I will again. heh ;)

Re: how old are you?
Posted by Christine on Sat Dec 2 05:22:44 2000 (#1664)

I'm 15 going on 16 in 12 days

Re: how old are you?
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Dec 2 05:31:15 2000 (#1666)

16

Re: how old are you?
Posted by laura rose on Sat Dec 2 07:50:31 2000 (#1668)

hehe.... i'm 23.... OOOOOOO i'm oooooold... okay, not really, but i feel old ~ as do most of you, I'm sure... actually, I feel like I am young at heart, but old in mind and spirit (ick.. sounds like something Oprah would say, but you know what I mean) ~laura

Re: how old are you?
Posted by Anka on Sat Dec 2 12:51:34 2000 (#1670)

I`m 18

Re: how old are you?
Posted by blue rose on Sun Dec 3 00:07:07 2000 (#1676)

I'm 19.

I haven't written in a while, HI EVERYONE!!!!!

Re: how old are you?
Posted by rachel on Sun Dec 3 12:38:19 2000 (#1680)

im nearly 15

Re: how old are you?
Posted by Kate on Sun Dec 3 18:17:30 2000 (#1684)

It looks like i am one of the oldest ones here.

I am OLD!!!!
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 4 09:04:15 2000 (#1687)

Hmm..(clearing throat) I know this is late...BUT...I need to claim that I am the oldest here, and am willing to take the title of big sister if accepted. (note* i have issues w/ rejection) smiling :)

I am 27..I am often afraid of admitting this since you are all so young and I dont want you to think your lives will be like this always, i have never been able to overcome a few things due to lack of support and therapy. I am now going through intensive Psychoanalysis and am (hopefully) on the road..the right one... ok, enough about me..You all take care ~Hugs~

Re: I am OLD!!!!
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 4 16:57:42 2000 (#1690)

27 isn't old, Nuni... I'm 21... I know it feels old... I feel so old sometimes, I think we all do. Know what I love?... I love those rare days when you feel like a kid again, like you're only 6-8 years old and the biggest worry you have is what brand of bubble-gum makes the best bubbles... (sigh) They are so great, but they are so rare. hugs to all...

Re: I am OLD!!!!
Posted by Kate on Mon Dec 4 23:11:59 2000 (#1698)

I am 22, and feel like I have not accomplished anything. 27 is not too much older than 22.

You will never believe..
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 2 05:25:01 2000 (#1665)

Hey guys, i was there, our home in Canada. I had to give in to that fantasy briefly. especially since i slipped again. Anyhow... we were all there, and we held eachother, but we didnt say a word. We all just understood...we nodded knowingly. We recovered, we smiled.. we are all going to be okay..one day. And while in our home in Canada, when i felt better I went horse back riding (who owns the horses?) anyhow, i rode for the first time and there I felt free from the anger, pain, shame, and guilt... I wanted to share this with you, because we all invested so much time in creating that fantasy I thought I should visit it. thanks for allowing me to share. I love you guys ~~~Hugs~~~ Nuni

Re: You will never believe..
Posted by Lost on Sat Dec 2 05:36:06 2000 (#1667)

awwwwwwwww! that was so sweet! How I wish this would all come true!

Re: You will never believe..
Posted by laura rose on Sat Dec 2 17:08:33 2000 (#1671)

Yeah, I wish this would come true also. *raises hand* I'm the one with the horses heehee... I have two of them. Any way... Nuni is right ~ one day we will all be ok. And who knows, one day we may all meet eachother too.... I know that I will meet at least a few of you. Hehe...my fear of flying doesn't help that little situation much... Yes, a lot of us did a little slipping this past week. That's ok though. We can recognize it as slipping. Who knows.. maybe next week we will have a major slip.. or perhaps, we won't cut at all. Who knows? Regardless... I love you all and I hope that all of our dreams come true one day... ~laura

Re: You will never believe..
Posted by Sara on Sat Dec 2 20:18:36 2000 (#1672)

I know, this is so frustrating...I wish it was all true, but you want to know something? I've thought about doing it. I am only 14, after all, and I have already made my decision to major in psychology. Don had an idea to make a shelter for SIs...they have resorts for everything else, for anoexics and runaways and teen mothers...why not for us? So I have thought about it, I have planned...it would become something like Patch Adams. A few people who can understand cutters and how they feel...and it would be somewhere so beautiful, a building where we can all live together and not have to say a word, if we don't need to...if I could start a place like this, my ultimate dream would come true. I want to provide people with a place to go when they can't stand being home anymore, when they cant take being misunderstood for another minute...wow. I want this so bad. I will work for it...I hope things, for once, turn out the way I want them to. I love all of you so much...

Re: You will never believe..
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Dec 2 20:52:09 2000 (#1673)

Oh Sara, that's the greatest idea! I think that if you could get that going, all of us would be there in a second. Of course, Since I'm afraid of flying, same as Laura, I would be driving there! I wanted to be a counselor for cutters anyway, so I could work there. It could be the first place for cutters that is run by them, too! Yippee! I love you so much, Sara! Also, Nuni, I'm glad you were at the house. I wonder what my room there looks like.... Anyway, love to all.

:) DB

Re: You will never believe..
Posted by Sara on Sun Dec 3 18:00:25 2000 (#1681)

Thank you for the support, DB, I love you too!!! And I agree about the idea...it's a wonderful one, to have a place run by cutters, FOR cutters...what a community that would turn out to be! I'm just 14, smart with big dreams...maybe I can pull it off someday. All I know is that right now, it seems to be my purpose...I want to be able to help other cutters, because I know I can do better than any other non-SI professional...this is something that no matter what you say, you can't truly understand unless you've been there. Love to all..

Re: You will never believe..
Posted by MarieMobley on Mon Dec 4 17:05:53 2000 (#1691)

Sara... that's a wonderful idea... we should get together and brainstorm. I'm working on my B.A. in psychology right now at a University and my dream is to work with SI and with rape counseling... If enough of us pull together, I truly believe we could get the word out and beat this thing...

all of you should see this
Posted by laura rose on Sat Dec 2 21:57:03 2000 (#1674)

it's like over 700 links to SI sites....

http://gurlpages.com/gr rrlyzine/cutp.html

TEEN Magazine
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Dec 2 22:52:10 2000 (#1675)

I just got my TEEN today (LoL... I'm a dork) and there's an article about cutting. It's about some girl who was raped... then everything that she did and stuff. But it has a few celebraties that used to cut. Among them... whom else but the 2 most beautiful and my favorite women in hte world... Fiona Apple and Angelina Jolie. Who ever would ahve known? Oh well though... I just feel like, this was an advertisement... I wonder how many girls will start cutting cause of this... stupid.

Re: TEEN Magazine
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Dec 3 02:28:17 2000 (#1677)

I know what you mean about other people starting because of articles. That's not why I started, but it could certainly cause it. It's good to educate the public about self-injury, but there's the risk of making it more widespread. Kind of like a double-edged blade....I know, I know, bad joke! What the hell else was I gonna say? Oh well, I'll post it if I think of it!

Love, DB (who is 23 and too lazy to make a separate post on the above thread!)

P.S. I gave my blades to my aunt today. She knows about the cutting and asked me for them. At first I wans't gonna give them to her, but I thought, what the hell, you know? Maybe it'll help to know that they aren't under my mattress anymore. That still wasn't what I was going to say.....I really AM delirious I guess.

Re: TEEN Magazine
Posted by Sara on Sun Dec 3 18:07:09 2000 (#1683)

OMG this is so so so so true..believe me, I know. I didn't START cutting because of something I had seen, it really was because of my pain...but if I hadn't known about cutting in some way shape or form, I think I would have had a better chance of turning to something ELSE. See, I don't know if that made sense---ok. I read a book called The Luckiest Girl In The World, about a teen girl who cut herself. This was about a year before I ever cut, and it wasn't a big issue to me, I just thought it was sad, and had no idea the disorder was so serious or widespread. Then, when things started getting bad, later on, I remembered that I had 'once long ago known something about cutting...' and that was it. I didn't cut BECAUSE I knew, but the fact that I did just made it a faster decision when asking myself what I should do to get rid of my emotional pain. Ah well...about the article, anyway...it is a stupid idea. VERY ignorant on their part...maybe just the article about the girl would be OK, like for education...but then you have to realize that there are girls out there who LOVE those celebrities, and may decide they want to be just like them... What month's issue is this, anyway? I'd like to check it out.

LOVE-

~Sara~

Re: TEEN Magazine
Posted by bae on Sun Dec 3 23:48:54 2000 (#1686)

It's in the january issue.... I'm thinking I should write to them... LoL... I think I will!

baleigh

Death is coming
Posted by Lost on Sun Dec 3 03:51:43 2000 (#1678)

Well i know for a fact that i will die within the next year. WHY? Well because in May I will turn 18... and ON my birthday, my parents are kicking me out. And once that happens, I know things will go down hill... and I just don't think that i will let myself live for much longer. But its weird because I'm so at peace with the thought of my death. I'm not worried about what happens afterwards... and i'm not even all sad right now or anything. I've come to accept it. And I'm actually starting to look forward to it. I've been a lot less depressed lately because I know that I will die soon and therefore I am happy. My parents no longer upset me, no matter what they do... instead it makes me smile, because I know (and they don't) that soon I will be happy. Does that make any sense? Well anyway..... I just thought that I'd share this because I feel happy today! (and PLEASE don't tell me "oh things will get better" because I'm not looking to hear that... and PLLLEEEEEAAASSEEEE DO NOT even bother talking abou "god"--- I just wanted to share these things with u guys)

Re: Death is coming
Posted by Bae on Sun Dec 3 18:03:34 2000 (#1682)

Well... Okay. If that's the way you feel, hunny, then that's okay. I won't tell you anything you don't want to hear. But you never know what will happen... we'll just have to wait it out and see... huh? : ) But as long as you're happy... everything is okay!

Re: Death is coming
Posted by Kate on Sun Dec 3 18:20:11 2000 (#1685)

You will love being 18. You are finally an adult. You have the freedom to do what ever. Don't worry you will be fine. I am 22 and I have survived.

I am OLD!!!
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 4 09:06:33 2000 (#1688)

Hmm..(clearing throat) I know this is late...BUT...I need to claim that I am the oldest here, and am willing to take the title of big sister if accepted. (note* i have issues w/ rejection) smiling :)

I am 27..I am often afraid of admitting this since you are all so young and I dont want you to think your lives will be like this always, i have never been able to overcome a few things due to lack of support and therapy. I am now going through intensive Psychoanalysis and am (hopefully) on the road..the right one... ok, enough about me..You all take care ~Hugs~

Re: I am OLD!!!
Posted by Christine on Mon Dec 4 10:49:16 2000 (#1689)

I always wanted a big sister ! I dont mind you being mine.Will you do all that big sister stuff w/ me like shoping and,protect me from those mean girls on the way home from the bus stop? He He im such a shmuck*~

It would mean a lot to me if...
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 4 17:29:52 2000 (#1692)

I would like to meet some of you if at all possible. I would like to find out what state all of you live in and I would like to try to organize a "home-comming" if I could. I don't want you to post ANY personal demographical information at this site, but if you could e-mail me at mariemobley@netscape.net and give me your addresses I would like to write (snail mail) all of you and discuss an idea for a kind of support group meeting, or just a meeting for all of us. I don't know about you, but I really think it would help all of us to be able to see each other face to face, and hug and cry, and share our stories... I am willing to travel to a place convienient for you guys... any suggestions as to how we could do this are welcome, and I would love to get advice from any/all of you on the feasability of this... Let me know, OK?

Re: It would mean a lot to me if...
Posted by Sara on Mon Dec 4 22:30:56 2000 (#1696)

If only I was old enough...I would help you organize this and travel and even have it at my place if need be...I'd do anything to get something like together, because I too believe that we need to BE together. But, since this cannot be reality for me, all I can say is that you guys should do this, really...it's a great idea, and it could have some wonderful effects. Get it together if you can...

Re: It would mean a lot to me if...
Posted by Kate on Tue Dec 5 02:02:26 2000 (#1700)

I am from Cleveland Ohio. Where are you from?

Re: It would mean a lot to me if...
Posted by Sara on Tue Dec 5 13:11:43 2000 (#1708)

Oh my GOD, seriously? Damn, I've probably passed you on the street! I live in Lakewood!

Re: It would mean a lot to me if...
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 5 16:08:20 2000 (#1709)

I am from north central Florida...

not alone / i need advice!!
Posted by jessica on Mon Dec 4 20:02:49 2000 (#1693)

it's always a pleasure to come to this discussion board. i'm 17/NC, inpatient at cherry psychiatric hosp. 7th time. i'm home for the weekend. last night i cut chunks of my skin out with a toe nail clipper, and i gotta go back tonight. somebody tell me what to do please?

Re: not alone / i need advice!!
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 4 21:26:07 2000 (#1694)

Honey, I truly do wish it was that easy. I wish I could tell you that it will all be fine if you just -----. I wish that all of us could wake up tomorrow morning and never have the desire to SI again. Wouldn't that be wonderful? I will tell you this: When I am at my wit's end and don't know where to turn, I try to escape inside myself... I have a safe place inside my mind where we all are free from pain and no one cuts... we just laugh and swim and talk all day and the biggest problem any of us have is what to wear (not that most of us really care about that anyway, right?) Jessica, When you're at that place... the point when you know you have to SI or go insane... just remember that no one can touch your mind, and you will always have a safe place there. I'm truly sorry that I'm not there to hug you or hold your hand and get you through this... hang in there, girl. We are all thinking of you and caring. You are stronger than you think - just asking for help shows that you're strong. ~hugs~
:)

Re: not alone / i need advice!!
Posted by jessica on Tue Dec 5 08:57:35 2000 (#1707)

marie, thanks alot for the advice. it really meant alot to me. i'll cya later.

Re: not alone / i need advice!!
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 5 16:13:34 2000 (#1710)

Jessica, If I can do anything for you just let me know. We've got to stick together, you know? Not very many people are going to understand what we are all going through, so we've got to do our best to understand each other.

Re: not alone / i need advice!!
Posted by Jessica on Tue Dec 5 18:02:02 2000 (#1712)

marie, how old are you and where do you live? i think you're a really nice person. i'm 17/NC. i'm leaving to go back to the hospital right now in a minute. thanx for your support. jessica

Re: not alone / i need advice!!
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 5 19:30:06 2000 (#1715)

Jessica, I am 21 and I live in Florida. Do your best to get better... I hope things are alright, or at the very least that they begin to look up. Feel free to e-mail me at mariemobley@netscape.net I'd like to know how you're doing, hon.
:)

Tried to fit in
Posted by Lost on Mon Dec 4 21:56:45 2000 (#1695)

I've tried and tried and tried... but I just don't fit in here. Don't get me wrong, none of you have ever been mean to me or anything... but I don't feel wanted here or whatever. Kinda just like an outsider-- just like everywhere else. I don't know WHY I don't fit in anywhere... but i guess I've accepted it by now. i don't even try to talk to anyone anywhere anymore.... I guess my point is that I won't be returning here anymore................. I wish you all luck in finding help for your problems. just remember to keep your head up :) luv ya, Kay

Re: Tried to fit in
Posted by Kate on Tue Dec 5 03:28:58 2000 (#1701)

What are you talking about. I don't think anyone here is the same. I think we are all unique in our own way. The only thing we have in common is that we are all hurting. We are all different ages, from different places, and come from different home lives. I am 22 and I am one of the oldest, except for Laura and Nuni, but i don't feel weird at all. You add something special to this forum just like everyone else. Be glad you are special and different. These girls taught me that it is okay not to be like the blonde fluffy bimbos who have no personality. I rather have problems than be like that. In the long run we are the ones who will matter because we empathize and sympathize with others and that is a far better trait than any other. Hang in there and stay!!!! Love, Kate

Re: Tried to fit in
Posted by blue rose on Tue Dec 5 08:08:12 2000 (#1704)

I know how you feel, my friend. This is the reason I haven't posted much lately. I come here everyday and read but I still don't feel right posting. I hope you stick around for awhile, even if you feel odd. I believe it's worth it in the long run.

stay safe

Re: Tried to fit in
Posted by Laura Rose on Tue Dec 5 08:35:14 2000 (#1706)

Well, even if you dont ever come back here, i hope to still talk to you on AIM.... take care, hon... you are one of the first people from here that I talked to... actually, you were the first.... Love ya.... *huge hugs*... (you fit in... in my book) ~laura

Re: Tried to fit in
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 5 17:03:52 2000 (#1711)

If you really want to stop posting that is your choice and I respect that, but please think twice about it. If you think about it, the reason all of us post here is because we DON'T fit in. We need each other, and we need you.... Good luck Lost... and don't give up on us just yet, O.K.? ~hug:)

Re: Tried to fit in
Posted by jessica on Tue Dec 5 18:05:09 2000 (#1713)

as far as i'm concerned, everyone fits in here. don't turn your back on what may be a source or help for you. marie gave me some real good advice, you should read her reply to me. jessica

Re: Tried to fit in
Posted by Christine on Wed Dec 6 04:27:58 2000 (#1721)

Lost, I know the feeling of not fiting in even when you do or felling alone in a room full of people.You do fit in and your not alone.When you feel bad were here and when you want to talk we are here to listen.Everyone adds something to this board.If there is something I might be able to do or say that whould make you stay at this board please tell me.Out in the world people dont take the time to understand us here you can say or do whatever.I would love for you to stay here but I cant make yo uand I'm hopeing you will decide to stay.PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE RECONCIDER!!!!

The website is updated now...
Posted by Sara on Mon Dec 4 22:34:03 2000 (#1697)

PLEASE go to my site, sign in if you get the chance...it's called HIDDEN SHADOWS and it's basically the story of my life...I want to get poetry from other cutters and some of mine is on the site as well...there is even a message board that is not being used, LOL...but anyway, I really worked on this site and I just updated it yesterday, so if you get a chance please visit, or add the address to your favorites list... www.goddessoftheblade.homestea d.com/bladedomain.html

THANK YOU!!!! I love you..

Re: The website is updated now...
Posted by Kate on Tue Dec 5 03:30:31 2000 (#1702)

I can't write poetry worth shit but I will look at it. I have no talent. See ya.

MELISSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by lost on Tue Dec 5 00:17:53 2000 (#1699)

i know i wasn't supposed to come back here but I had to tell u all that melissa is NOT doing ok. I don't know WHERE she is or EVEN if she is alive. All her father told me was that "she's been gone for a while" and that "no, she is not doing ok" When I asked if she was alive.... they got offline and haven't come back. I'm worried, I'm scared, i'm crying. i hope she's at least ALIVE!!! Well I know that some of you guys know her and care about her and stuff so I just wanted to let u know what I heard....

Re: MELISSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Kate on Tue Dec 5 03:33:46 2000 (#1703)

Maybe she is in the hospital or something. How do you know her? I am just curious because I didn't know people know eachother here. If she is a friend I am sure her father will get in touch with you. I hope she is getting help and she is okay. I didn't really get to know her like I have with you, Christine, Delerious Butterfly, Laura, Nuni and others. Good Luck. I am here if you need me.

Re: MELISSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by blue rose on Tue Dec 5 08:11:06 2000 (#1705)

I am afraid now. Please please please come back and tell us if you hear anything about her.

Re: MELISSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Dec 5 18:11:22 2000 (#1714)

Laura and I were talking about her the other day. We are worried too. Laura wanted to write to her, but didn't have her e-mail. She had written to me a few times when I first came here and I saved the messages. I got the address for Laura, but it said it was invalid. That really worried both of us. Please, if you find her, tell her we care about her. Let us know how she is doing if you find out anything, Lost. I know it's hard when one of your best friends is in trouble and you can't be there with them.

Love, DB

Kill me please
Posted by Baleigh on Tue Dec 5 21:00:14 2000 (#1716)

*You, you, you take my heart and shake it up. You, you, you take my heart and break it up. My heart goes BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG.*

I thought that perhaps if I listened to my happy Dead or Alive music I would get happy. I think it's only made me feel worse. I wish I hadn't left the house this morning. I had BPA Districts today... so I had to dress 'professionally' which was the first negative. No... actually the fact that I woke up an hour late was the first negative. So we already have 2 negatives. But I didn't have to go to any of my classes. Add a postive. I won first place... add another postive. YAY! I'm at 0 so far. Then I find out that I 'like to suck dick and do it all the time' so says like... EVERYONE. Negative. Then I get to go out for lunch... postive. (I'm at 0 again) Then Rob blows me off... negative. Then I find out that the whole school knows what Brian and I did... super negative. Then I see Brian and ask him if he said anything to anyone (mind you this is the first time in 3 weeks that I have spoken to the boy... or tha he has spoken to me rather) He said no but it seemed like he felt bad about all the shit he did to me... which made me forgive him... and then he walked off and ignored me. NEGATIVE. I cried... negative. My feet hurt... negative. I miss Brian more than I miss anyhting in the world.... negative. So my day had turned out to be a Negative 6 and it's only 3 o'clock. Wonderful... I feel the need to slash my arm open now...

Me

Re: Kill me please
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Dec 5 22:53:18 2000 (#1718)

I hate days like that. Like, today, I had to wait at the drug store forever before they got my meds for me. When I got home, my mom said I had a call from a place where I had applied for a job a while back. So, excited little me went and called to see when I would be starting work, only to have them ask if I'm still looking for a job, because they're just updating the damn applications! So I call the temp agency I signed up with a good three weeks ago and they have yet to get me one stupid job! So anyway, Baleigh, I feel your pain. Does that sound trite? Okay, how's this, it's okay if life sucks sometimes because it could always suck much worse. But still, the current level of suckage is more than enough. Is suckage even a word? If not, I'm making it one.

Love you lots, DB

Re: Kill me please
Posted by Me on Wed Dec 6 01:28:14 2000 (#1720)

Well... ya know. I just miss Brian way too much... and the new guy that I'm in complete awe of is really wierd. It's like... he likes to flirt... but only if he initiates (SP) it. God I can't spell. But anyway. Everyone is like... 'Well... RObby's cute!' and I'm just sitting there thinkin 'Yeah... no shit. He's hot as hell. Which is the reason why he wouldn't have anything to do with me.' But then again he's told my friend that if I were to come to school in all my Goth stuff (mind you I haven't dressed that way in a year) he'd be all up in my shit. But there's no way I'm going to do that because that would only draw more attention to myself from all the 'Goth' kids (such as Brian) and I don't need that. So the only way I will get all dressed up for him is if we go out somewhere... but I'm not into askin the guys out. UGH! Why am I so stupid? Why do guys ocmpletely control my life? Shoot me... dear Lord shoot me.

Oh yeah... and I wrote to TEEN. They wrote me back basically telling me that I needed help and that they've had hundreds of emails from girls that were eiteher SIer's who've decided to get help 'just because of the story' (Oh please....) OR they were people that were absolutely repulsed. Direct quote from the editor... 'Do you really think that someone would start cutting becase it sounds like fun?' Ummmm.... NO BITCH! I said nothing to even begin making her think that's what I was insinuating... oh well. More ignorant people that need to be disposed of...

can you tell I'm having a wonderful day?

Baleigh

just to say thank you..
Posted by Sara on Tue Dec 5 23:47:49 2000 (#1719)

For those of you who visited my site and signed in with your support..thank you SO much for that, it does mean a lot. I believe there were 4 of you, if memory serves me, I'm sorry if I'm wrong...but I just wanted to post and say thank you. For the kindness and compliments to the site and my poetry...I felt wonderful after reading all of your messages, and I'm grateful for that. To DB, you express your love so so honestly and I love YOU for that too...don't forget that I am here for you too. And Laura, I am going to try to remember that I am cared for...it's a tough one, we know, but thank you...and to Nuni and Bae, who I think were the other 2 people, thank you for taking time out of your day and using it for me...I won't forget it. Ah I'm just in this mood where everything feels so nice...must be the wine, lol. But please don't forget that I am grateful. MUCH LOVE TO ALL!-

~Sara~

Missing him lick mad
Posted by Christine on Wed Dec 6 05:02:36 2000 (#1722)

I cant even stand to look at him I have such love for him and he hates me.Well a while ago I was joking aroung w/ my friend and I pushed a cupcake into his chin.I just ment to get the icing on his noes.I dont know why but he fliped out and he called me a psyco and all this other shit I thought hed get over it in a couple days but its been 2 months almost.It was something he'd of done to me thats the way we were.I cant go past his table at lunch and not want to cry.He was the one that was going to help me stop cutting and we were really good friends posibly more.After we got in the fight he asked out this ugly bitch.He was always the one that would make me happy he really cared for me and he was like a gardian angel.He had seen my scars and cuts and the first time he told me he loved me I asked why I'm nothing but a pile of scrapes and scars he told me he liked what was behind that and it ment alot because I'm not the most beautiful person.To him I was and that ment so much becuz someone cared what happened to me.Now he seems to get pleasure from my pain.When he sees me he seems happy that I look half dead.Hes happy when I cant get out of bed becuz I cant face another fucking day.Most of all hes happy when I'm laying on the table in lunch about to cry and praying death will come soon so I wont have to feel anything anymore.I cant see how someones unhappyness & pain can make a person so fucking happy.Everyone I finnaly let myself love leaves.I finally let myself feel alive,human but they leave after that ands its always something I did when I think of him I want to just kill myself.I was cutting befor to feel now its to feel the pain somewere else than my heart.Its not just that I dont like living there is no point to it I'll live so I can go threw the world with nothing but pain and die a unhappy old lady that couldnt get out of bed becuz life was to bad I really feel like shit.I cant stand feeling anymore!

Re: Missing him lick mad
Posted by Marie on Wed Dec 6 15:46:09 2000 (#1723)

Honey, I feel your pain. I know that I'm not there and I'm not feeling what you're feeling right now, but I know how much that extreme rejection hurts... especially when you're already hurting. Just remember you still have all of us here on the board... No matter how you feel, what you look like, or what your hobbies are, we will love and understand you. Men are jerks.. even the ones who are "different" and "not like the other guys". My man is being a jerk lately too, and through everything he's always been the one I could go to until lately... now I just go to 'the board' and vent to you guys. It's a relief to know that you guys/gals will love me and listen to me no matter what the people think that I have to see every day. Hang in there Christine... and remember that we are all here to care and listen...

Re: Missing him lick mad
Posted by Bae on Wed Dec 6 20:36:04 2000 (#1726)

Yup... yup... hunny... I know how you feel. It's a bitch when guys just up and leave like that... with no explanation whatsoever. At least you know what you 'did'. I have no idea what made Brian leave. But now I've found out that it was him who told everyone... well... someone he told told everyone else. But I'm slowly getting over it... and I promise you will too, Love. I bet we could talk about this stuff forever... so if you have AIM... give me a shout... kay?

Baleigh

Re: Missing him like mad
Posted by Christine on Thu Dec 7 01:04:16 2000 (#1734)

Well another day closer to the end. Today I was able to get myself out of bed,I had some truble puting on my happy face.Everyone that saw me was like whats wrong?I told them I was tired.I really looked like shit,my eyes were swollen,skin a lovely shade of pail blue and white &,arms full of fresh cuts.I was siting w/ my friend I thought I'd take my jacket off and roll up my sleavs cuz my friend knew and I was really hot and guess who walks by and takes a long glance at my arms w/ a smile on his face and a chuckle suggesting he was happy for what I had done. I really want to cut and I think I'm going to for the fact I'v had the erge all day and its not going away.

I'm new here
Posted by Priscilla on Wed Dec 6 20:13:54 2000 (#1725)

I've never posted here before so I'll post a little info about myself. I am 21 and live in PA. I go to college and am studying Chemistry. I have been cutting for about 7 years and was able to stop several times sometimes for a month or more but these past two weeks I have been cutting or burning everyday, most days three or more times. I think supressing it for so long has pushed me off the deep end and now all I want to do is cut.

Re: I'm new here
Posted by Bae on Wed Dec 6 20:40:46 2000 (#1727)

: ) Hello! Welcome to our happy (usually) little family! Hope you have fun... LoL... I know I love all these girls! But anyway! My nae is Baleigh... I'm 16... SIing for 3 years... Just thought I'd say hey!

Re: I'm new here
Posted by Marie on Wed Dec 6 21:40:04 2000 (#1728)

Hi there Priscilla. I'm relatively new here too... I live in Florida and I'm 21 as well. (by the way: I have a girlfriend in PA who is our age as well...) I have been cutting for about 9 years... I was able to quit for 3 whole years, but I've started back up again,and I'm not sure if I can quit again. Welcome to our world... I'm glad you'll be joining us. Feel free to post any time or to e-mail any of us...

Re: I'm new here
Posted by laura rose on Thu Dec 7 04:16:13 2000 (#1738)

Priscilla.... Hi, welcome to this SI board. My name's laura and I'm 23... I live in seattle, wa... long ways away from where you are... any way... I've been SI'ing for 7 years now too... DB has also. I'm sorry to hear that these past few weeks have been so hard for you... But just so you know... by posting to this board, you just gained a lot of new friends (or soon-to-be friends)... we are all here for you, no matter what. There are some damn good listeners and advice givers here... and I hope you feel comfortable talking to us... =)

*hugs* ~laura

Re: I'm new here
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 8 17:53:46 2000 (#1769)

Hi, Welcome!!! I am 27, I live in San Diego CA been SI'ing since i was about 14 or so, OFF and On.. My cutting has taken over these past couple of months and believe me when I found this board it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Feel free to write anything, anytime. you can e-mail too!!! Take care.

Low self esteem
Posted by Kate on Thu Dec 7 00:21:34 2000 (#1729)

Do you guys have such low self esteem that you feel like you are walking around with a pit in your heart and uncomfortable all the time. I hate being me and I hate being around people. Everyone is so happy and carefree. Everytime someone puts me down or snaps at me the self esteem go down even lower and the pit bigger.

Re: Low self esteem
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Dec 7 00:57:45 2000 (#1732)

Awww Kate, I'm sorry you feel so bad. *Huge hug* You know we love you so much here. Doesn't it sound cheesy to say, "Turn that frown upside down." That irritates me to death and whoever said it first should have horrible hemmoroids. But then, that saying has been aroun a long time so they're probably dead by now. Do you get the feeling that I went off my train of thought? I must have a brain freeze or something. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon, okay?

Love, DB xoxo

Re: Low self esteem
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 7 01:01:18 2000 (#1733)

Sometimes it sure does feel that way. But you are important, and the fact that you sense that emotion tells me you are trying to feel. You know what feelings are bad, and which arent. Hang in there my friend. You are not alone, I think those people that are happy and carefree dont understand that we are three dimensional, and those are the one dimensionals where they dont allow things to bother them. It is what makes us unique we are willing to go the distance and understand our feelings. Yes, the low self-esteem exists, but we are survivors and we can handle anything...

Re: Low self esteem-Nuni
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Dec 7 03:40:18 2000 (#1735)

Okay, can I just say that's the most insightful thing anyone has ever said regarding self-esteem. I hope I can think up things like that someday. You know, Nuni, it's cool to have you around. I haven't said that lately, but it's coolto have every one of you to talk to. You chicks rock! And so do Neal and Don, but they're not chicks! Well, you get the point!

Love, DB xoxo

Re: Low self esteem-Nuni
Posted by laura rose on Thu Dec 7 04:21:02 2000 (#1739)

Hm.... yes, self-esteem does suck.. why cant it just be wiped from our DNA? That whole "need to feel good about ourselves"? If that was not there... suicide would dimishish... and perhaps people would be a bit happier, but I guess you have to take the bad in order to appreciate the good... boy, we are all full of one-hit-wonder cliche phrases tonight, aren't we? Oh well.... I'm just feeling kinda bad right now... um.. yeah.. Any way.. I love you guys.. and when you feel like being anti-social... and like you couldnt stand to see another pretty face... that's what locks and blinds are for... use them.. I know I do every day =)

~laura (with "bitchy" issues)

Re: Low self esteem
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 7 20:50:20 2000 (#1749)

Do you think that if we suffer enough here on earth we'll be rewarded for it in the afterlife? 'Cause if that's true, we're all living in paradise... (long sigh) I hate looking in the mirror these days because when I look in all I can see is shit. My parents ride me about my self-esteem... they say I'm smart and beautiful so they can't see why I don't believe in myself... then they say things like, "If you don't start watching what you eat you're going to get fat." and my dad is always commenting on how huge my butt is and how long my neck is and how large my breasts are etc etc... and yet they wonder why I'm not confident... Luckily, I have a wonderful man in my life who practically worships my butt, and between the two conflicting messages, I stay pretty screwed up... at home I feel ugly, with him I feel like a princess... I think if no one ever commented on my looks again for the rest of my life I'd feel a lot better about things... Why do looks have to be so important any way? I say we go out an put a ban on mirrors... ladies (and gentlemen) lets go take up our hammers and have a mirror smashing party!!!! ~hugs to all~ Thanks for listening to my rant.. :)

Re: Low self esteem
Posted by Christine on Thu Dec 7 21:16:56 2000 (#1751)

Maybe its not the mirrors we have to get rid of maybe its the bad things we think of are selfs I really sound like a hipocrite as I try my hardest to love myself.I wanted to say how John liked me but thats not true anymore.He liked my butt and my thighs.He said that a girl should have something to grab onto but now that I cant have him I'v been strugling with the hole eating thing I might as well make myself happy and lose wieght cuz I dont want anyone else to like me any way I'm not even following myself anymore I'll leave bye

Re: Low self esteem
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 7 23:33:18 2000 (#1753)

Yeah, you're probably right, but wouldn't it feel great to smash some mirrors? I'm not overweight (in my oppinion) but what I hate is the tremendous pressure to stay the way I am... I want to eat a huge piece of cake and not feel guilty and not have people staring at me like I'm a freak... I'm only 130 pounds and that's not fat... is it? I don't think it is... I'm only 5'3"... I'm pleasently padded, but not fat... O.K., now I'm rambling like crazy... :) (I still think we should go out a break mirrors... might help with the urge to SI...)

Re: Low self esteem
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 8 00:05:23 2000 (#1759)

Ladies, pay attention to what you all writing. Why continue to break our bodies down in to body parts. Who am I to talk?? I am a recovered bulimic, but I still struggle with my self image. I cant stand the sight of mirrors either, but destroying our "reflections" isnt going to do the trick.anyhow.. I hate myself so, who am I its this whole self-esteem , self-image , a vicious cycle....its never ending. hmm just a thought!!! Take care ya'll!!! Hugs to all

Re: Low self esteem
Posted by Kate Lambros on Fri Dec 8 00:01:50 2000 (#1757)

Maria, that's exactly how things are at my house. My dad has verbally abused me all my life. My mom always tells me I am smart and beautiful. Which has helped a little. My dad used to call me and my sister fat and if he sees us eating something bad he says you are going to get fat. I hate it.

Re: Low self esteem
Posted by Kate on Fri Dec 8 00:03:29 2000 (#1758)

I can't beleive I posted my last name. I guess it is just habit. Oh well I don't care if people know I cut.

Re: Low self esteem
Posted by Linda on Fri Dec 8 15:54:35 2000 (#1763)

Hi guys!! I've been real busy and didn't read the board for a few days. Sorry! I felt like I let you all down a bit but when I came back and read all these posts about self-esteem, I just HAD to post!! Once again, let me preface my statements with a note to you all that are offended. It is not at all posted to stir hard feelings. I just want to be truthful to myself and my beliefs. I believe that the self-esteem issue is an issue directly from Satan, himself!!! We are all God's creation...created in the image of God. He loved us so much that He provided a way for our eternal salvation.....that's how much we are worth. He said that not a sparrow falls but He knows and yet we are of much more value than a little sparrow. I have seen pictures of a few of you and I am astounded at the beauty. You look like girls that have it all together and yet you have no good feeling about yourself. So try this...forget about yourself. Think about your Creator who cares so much. He sees everything about you....including all those thoughts and yet He paid for your salvation. I was talking to Kay last night and repeated to her my thoughts about this so, kiddo, you just shut your eyes right now, ok! I was thinking....God just spoke and the sun came into existence. Did you ever just think about the sun. It is amazing. If it were just a little off course we would either burn up or freeze to death and yet just His words brought it into existence. Think of a human being in comparison to the sun. We are such a minute spot on the universe and yet it is for us that He sacrificed His son!!! Now if that isn't value, I don't know what is!!!! Please don't let me leave this with a wrong assertion. I said that we are all a creation of God. I didn't say that we are all His children. We become His children as we accept His sacrifice for our sins by faith. Love to all!!

Re: Low self esteem
Posted by Marie on Fri Dec 8 16:56:02 2000 (#1765)

It's good to know I'm not alone with the conflicting messages... they can be so confusing. I hate that... If I'm ugly, or fat, fine... I can live with that, If I'm beautiful and thin, fine, I can live with that too... what I hate is the damn roller-coaster ride in the meantime. To Nuni... I was just kidding about the mirrors, I would hate to break a mirror... It would just make it that much easier to cut... too dangerous, you know? To Kate... don't worry about posting your last name, there are so many people with similar names that unless you posted your address we could never know who you are... besides, we're all cutters..... you're safe here.

Adventures in Therapy-Land
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Dec 7 00:46:19 2000 (#1730)

Okay, I had to say something stupid in the subject line! Sue me! But, yeah, I went to therapy for the first time today. Well the first time in a couple of years. I was counting up my therapists, psychiatrists and psych nurses and I've seen 17 different people. 6 therapists, 7 doctors, and 4 nurses. I started when I was 15, so that's like a third of my life. Anyway, today I saw Marda, my nurse, who I just love to pieces, and then met Dr. Hague. She's my new shrink. I think I will like her when I get to know her better. She basically said that it sounded like I didn't get much encouragement from my family, which is SO true. She didn't tell me to stop cutting either. I asked if she wanted to see the cuts but she said it wasn't necessary. We talked about how just asking for help is a positive sign towards getting better. She didn't look at me like a freak either. Marda said she worked with a lot of cutters and that she would understand me. The only thing that irks me is that she says Uh and Um a lot. I know I do that too, but when you're waiting to find out if you're crazy or not, they're not the best words to hear, you know? So, anyway, I go back to see her after the new year because it's harder for my parents to find out that I'm actually in therapy if I only go once a month, though I'd like to go every week. But, can't tell the 'rents, they might think I'm insane or something. Well, that's all I had to say. Hope everyone is doing well.

Love to all, DB xoxo

Re: Adventures in Therapy-Land
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 7 00:56:16 2000 (#1731)

Hi DB, Funny you mention the therapy that way. I am the same way with my shrink. he is so cool. i have been seeing him for almost three months and he has never told me to stop. i think that they are good when they give you options instead of ultimatums. anyhow, it is always nice to hear how everyone else is doing and what they do to perhaps improve their self-awareness on life.. blah blah blah sorry. Take care! xoxox Nuni

Re: Adventures in Therapy-Land
Posted by laura rose on Thu Dec 7 04:25:09 2000 (#1740)

well, speaking of therapists not telling you to stop, i think i mentioned that mine did that also... It's like this.... You don't take a life preserver away from someone who is drowning, unless you want them to sink. You know? Yeah.. any way.. DB... *HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE HUUUUUUUUUUUGS* Hon, we spoke about this.. and I am just sooo proud of you... I'm so happy that you went.. We'll talk more about that later.. Take care.

~laura

Re: Adventures in Therapy-Land
Posted by Maggie on Thu Dec 7 12:50:45 2000 (#1744)

Hey Hey... I went to see a psychologist for the first time today. He was real nice too. However he kept asking me if I felt safe there with him, and that just made me nervous thinking that I have something to not feel safe about. He also had issues about seating arrangements.. he really didn't want to be the one sitting on the higher chair because he is looking down on me. I frankly didn't care about that sorta thing. He too never told me to stop cutting. He was more concerned about finding out why I cut first. He believes me that it works. He also said that he trusts me and takes my word as the truth. One weird thing was that he asked me to stop midway through summarising my 11th year. He said it was too much and was bringing tears to his eyes... Hmm I'm not trying to make my therapist sad! But yeah.. I like him, and he seems to genuinely care but at $90 an hour I guess he can do that very well. I just hope he can help me.

Re: Adventures in Therapy-Land
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 7 23:56:02 2000 (#1756)

I'm a little nervous... My therapist and I are going to be sitting down for our first meeting soon and I really hope it goes well. We've been meeting over the internet so far and he seems very understanding and straight-forward. He hasn't told me to stop yet either, he's not even really trying to find out why yet, we're just getting to know each other right now... He's not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, he's a behavior analyst and I'm hoping he will work where psychologists haven't... Good luck on all of your therapies... May we all be SI free by the next new year.... (it's worth a try, don't you think?) ~hugs all around~ :)

Tis I
Posted by Petit Cherie Malheureux on Thu Dec 7 03:48:13 2000 (#1736)

I so know I spelled 'miserable' wrong... shoot me... I'm not French. Look at my other SN's profile (LiLGothicChild)... it's spelled right there. I dunno though... it looks right! LoL.. anyway!

Yeah yeah... I'm back again. I have no life... I've nothing to do... but I love you guys so I know you'll put up with listening to my babbles.

Is it just me... or does it get annoying when people say 'If you feel the need to cut... just call me. I'm always here for you'? I mean... it's notone of those things that you can just... pick up the phone instead.. ya know? I mena I completely love every single personthat has said that to me... and I'm thankful for their attempt to help... but still. Oh well.. I'm just an ungrateful bitch that people like to talk about.

I really don't want to go to bed. I wish someone was on so that we could talk... but oh well!

I guess I'm gonna go... DB I hope your cookies were good! I love ya! And I love the rest of you too! Good night!

Baleigh

Re: Tis I
Posted by laura rose on Thu Dec 7 04:27:56 2000 (#1741)

Hey Baleigh... I just want you to know.. that if you ever feel like cutting.... er... um... wait... what was the point of your post? Oh shit.. I'm sorry... heeheee... any way... No, if you feel like cutting, go ahead and cut... but if you feel like you want to die, then give me a call.. (is that better?)

~laura (with "smart-ass" issues)

Re: Tis I
Posted by PCM on Fri Dec 8 01:04:45 2000 (#1760)

LoL... yeah! Butthead... geesh! I even get it from you guys now! LoL.. I"m kidding. I love ya! But yeah... when I start to feel like dying... that's when I'll call!

Baleigh

decided to stay
Posted by Lost on Thu Dec 7 04:03:55 2000 (#1737)

hi guys. Well uhm, thanks u guys for like telling me that I was welcome to stay here and stuff. I've been coming here for more than 9 months and i've seen a lot of people who have come and go from the message board, but this group seems to really connect with eachother. Thats really good. But for some reason I just can't find my place ANYWHERE. I used to think that it wasn't me... that it was everyone else. I thought that the reason I didn't fit in with my friends anymore was because I don't party anymore or go out like I used to... but its not that. I went out recently with them and partied but I STILL didn't fit in (in my head). Yeah sure the alcohol and weed covered the insecurities up for a while but deep down I knew they were still there. I don't know what the point of this is.

Anyway lately, things have been bad for me. But you see, they haven't been that bad at my house and they haven't been that bad with friends or whatever... the things have been happening INSIDE of me. My thoughts are turning evil. A lot of times I don't know what it is that stops me from just killing everyone. I MYSELF want to die. I don't even know WHY I'm not dead yet! Why am I being a chicken shit about this? I WANT to die... and I CAN kill myself, so why the fuck don't I get off my lazy ass and just finish this shit? I don't know. I guess maybe I need some security (as linda told me the other day) I've been trying to give my mother hints about these things. like she'll say "blah blah blah when u have kids" and I'll say "I won't live long enough to have children" Or she'll ask what classes I'm taking next semester and I'll tell her that theirs no point in staying in school because when i'm dead the few classes that I take will mean nothing. WHY ISN'T SHE PICKING UP ON THESE FUCKN SIGNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been crying uncontrollably! I feel a HUGE sense of loss in the pit of my stomach... but nothing bad has happened to me. Everytime that I leave from ANYWHERE whether its the grocery store or home or if I seperate from one of my friends just to go to class, I will CRY! Everything is making me feel hopeless. I need a vacation from the world. I need to forget about everyone and everything. THe only way that will ever happen is by a toaster meeting my bath water.

SOrry for boring you guys this was pointless!

Re: decided to stay
Posted by laura rose on Thu Dec 7 04:35:11 2000 (#1742)

Hm.. if that was pointless, then I guess I shouldnt have gotten the point, but I feel that I may have stumbled upon it. Was I not supposed to? GRR.. I always do that. Um... have you tried to come out and just tell your mom? I mean, moms are *supposed* to pick up on hints (and it appears that yours have been less than subtle at times).. Some moms just dont until you smack them in the face (not literally, dont want to be responsible for that) with what it is you want them to know... I mean... something's got to give, right? Although you may feel that you yourself are somewhat weak when it comes to certain things.. one thing I have learned about SI'ers.. we are a lot stronger than we let on. If we weren't, then how the hell do we carry the wait of the world as gracefully as we do? We break on the inside... when most bust out all over the place... that takes *coughs* balls.... and a lot of heart... Try honest straight-forwardness.... just a suggestion. *hugs* ~laura

Re: decided to stay
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 7 15:43:14 2000 (#1745)

I'm glad you decided to stay with us Lost. I am sorry you are feeling so alienated... Have you thought about calling your local suicide hotline? Your mother may not be picking up on your 'hints' because she doesn't want to believe that they are serious. I know you've probably heard this before, but when people become parents, they don't automatically know what to do for their kids, and maybe -just maybe- your Mom is feeling as lost as you are because she doesn't know what to do to help you, so she just ignores the problem and hopes it will go away... I don't know if that makes sense at all... bear with me... At any rate, I'm glad you decided to stay... we'll help in any way we can.

Re: decided to stay
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 7 19:43:15 2000 (#1747)

Hi, I AM so glad you decided to stay. I think you are correct when you say that we all connect, we do. We may not be entirely the same but a lot of our issues overlap a little and we are able to relate and comfort one another. Its difficult to admit but.. I also dont think I will live past the age of 30. I still cant figure out why. But I am getting help and perhaps one day I will be able to figure out the WHY's? that plague me. We will continue to be here for you, and I hope you continue to come back, no matter how AWFUL you feel log on, read, write to us.. and most important take care of yourself!! as far as mom's go, that is quite difficult,. I too have told my mom I will probably die before she does, and she changes the subject to shopping and stuff. Its a reality they dont know how to deal with. Remember we are here for you. ~~Hugs~~~ Nuni

Sent u all something...
Posted by Christine on Thu Dec 7 05:38:32 2000 (#1743)

I got this thing and I e-mailed it to you guys its a little thing on friendship.I sent it to I think everyone.I just cut and I really feel good its messed up but I dont care I feel good.

Island of Misfit Toys
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Dec 7 18:21:52 2000 (#1746)

Anybody watch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer the other night? I did. It was always my favorite Christmas story. I was thinking about the Island of Misfit Toys and I starting thinking that we're sort of like the misfit toys. We don't seem to fit in with everyone else, but when no one else is there, we're normal. Remember the Charlie-in-the-Box and how no one loved him because his name wasn't Jack? Or the spotted elephant? When I was little, I felt bad for the because I would have loved them if they were real. But it was okay because Santa went and got them to give out on Christmas. I wonder if anyone will ever come for us?

Love, DB xoxo

Re: Island of Misfit Toys
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 7 20:16:50 2000 (#1748)

That is a perfect analogy... I do feel like a misfit toy most of the time... I do hope that 'Santa' comes and finds the perfect place for us all...

Re: Island of Misfit Toys
Posted by Christine on Thu Dec 7 20:58:36 2000 (#1750)

maybe right here is the perfect place for us!I always feel like I belong and even though no one is perfect here is were we can come and talk about those flaws. I love elephents expesialy spoted ones.I always loved the misfits because they werent like the toys everyone else had.Well I have to go to work soon got to go get ready bye*

Re: Island of Misfit Toys
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 7 23:36:13 2000 (#1754)

Honey, you are so right....

Re: Island of Misfit Toys
Posted by PCM on Fri Dec 8 01:10:02 2000 (#1761)

LoL... our island is our home in Canada!!! : )

baleigh

Psychiatric hospital
Posted by Amanda on Thu Dec 7 21:44:28 2000 (#1752)

well it's comming up to my DD day, 2 years ago my grandmother/practically mother died and one year ago, exact same day i attempted suicide. i was put in a psychiatric hospital and so on and so forth. but to make a long story short, i am suicidal again and my cutting/now burning is becomming more frequent and deeper again, i had just calmed it down a bit, i was to the point where i pretty much needed stiches everytime, but of course no one know well i was thinking about it today (going to another psych hospital) and i realized i'm more scared of my parents saying no than anything, well obviously i'm scared of telling them too! how should i go about such a sensitive subject?

Re: Psychiatric hospital
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 7 23:44:34 2000 (#1755)

I read your post at least three times, and maybe I'm just tired, but I'm not sure I understand what you're asking... Do you want to go back into the Psych Hospital? Or are you scared to tell your parents about being suicidal because you're afraid of going to a Psych Hospital..?.. Whatever you do, please don't give in to the urge to die... No matter how bad you hurt yourself while SIing it's better than comitting suicide... they can't just stitch you up from death... it's a permanant solution to a temporary (life-time speaking) problem... I know you've probably heard this so often... but it's true and therefore bears repeating. You are worth more than death... you're worth more than cutting too, but at least cutting will heal in time.... Hang in there Amanda, we all love you and want you to get better... Post here anytime, we are all listening.

Re: Psychiatric hospital
Posted by Amanda on Fri Dec 8 22:24:02 2000 (#1772)

well i'm afraid to tell my parents that i am suicidal, i would love to go back to a psyke hospital. give it another try, not lie to get out of there. but i have a feeling i am not going to do anything like that, i cut last night, i'm pretty sure it needs stiches, oh well...i might do it myself, or just let it go...who knows, my dad gave me sedatives today so i'm kinda tired right now, (i came home sick) so i'll go now,

Re: Psychiatric hospital
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 11 16:20:35 2000 (#1811)

If you don't tell your parents.. please tell someone... call a hotline if you have too... we're here to listen if you want to talk... hang in there Amanda

-Marie

almost did it
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 8 05:03:51 2000 (#1762)

I almost did it today. I started to... I took only a handful of pills (maybe 15-20) and then I stopped myself. I realized that I have too many unresolved issues to deal with before I do this. I stuck my finger down my throat and forced myself to throw up the little bit of pills that I had taken. For the next couple of weeks, i am on a mission to TELL everyone the truth about what I think about them and the things that they have done to me. I am on a mission to thank everyone who has been good to be throughout these horrible years and to reprimand those who have treated me so harshly. I want to make sure that when i do go through with this, that I haven't left anything unresolved. I want everyone to feel at peace with what i have done. And I will start with all of you... to those of you who I know and have come to care about, I thank you for your support and thank you for caring about you. And for those who have responded to my posts, I thank you for paying attention to me. AND to those of you here who I don't know... I wish that I could've been there to maybe help you through your problems. Well anyway, i just wanted u all to know that I'm glad that i've gotten to know you! hehehe later guys

Re: almost did it
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 8 16:49:02 2000 (#1764)

You are courageous. You are sticking it out there. Look at you putting yourself out like that. Do you realize...your honesty is endearing.. I hope you continue to stick around, This world is definitely short people like you Honest, and with the will to pursue self awareness. LOST, I love you OK?? Hugs, Nuni

Re: almost did it
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Dec 8 18:24:02 2000 (#1770)

I think I feel like everyone else. I don't want to see you go, this place won't be the same. Having said that, I won't be selfish about your decision. I know, most people will say that dying young is a tragedy that is almost unspeakable. I think that sometimes, people experience so much 'life' that they can't bear to grow old. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. I heard that about Jim Morrison once. He drank and took drugs and partied hard. Everyone thought he had a death wish, but another of the Doors said that he had such a passion for life that he wanted to experience as much as he possibly could and that meant that his body simply couldn't keep up with his spirit. Maybe that's how it feels for a lot of people, I don't know. The one time I was suicidal, I felt like the world was closing in on me and I couldn't bear to be a part of it anymore. I really believe that if my mother wasn't sitting right next to me the whole time, I wouldn't be here today. I think it's good that you want closure with everyone. When my friend Billy killed himself 7 years ago, he didn't tell anyone about it beforehand. I still don't know why he had to die and it makes me feel bad, because maybe I could have helped him. Who knows, maybe after you tell everyone how you feel, you might start to feel better. There's no guarantee, but don't rule it out if it starts to make you feel better having your problems out in the open. Either way, please know that I love you and that no one can make your decisions for you. Your life is your own, whether you choose to end it or live to be a hundred years old.

Love, DB

Re: almost did it
Posted by Lost on Sat Dec 9 20:08:38 2000 (#1783)

thanks you guys for being concerned :) It really does mean a lot to me. it kind of maybe gives me something to hold on to... just knowing that if u guys really do care about me, then MAYBE one day i will find someone HERE to care for me and to show me the love that I need to be shown. Today I'm in a good mood. I don't know why. Maybe because I slept for like 17-18 hours (i took a lot of sleeping pills yesterday... NOT SO I COULD DIE. Just so I could get away from the yelling and thumps from things being broken.) And I woke up this morning with AN ENTIRE page front and back FILLED with my chores for the day right next to my head. normally i would get SO MAD about it and refuse to do it because I think its unfair that I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS TO CLEAN while my mom and sister are out SHOPPING. But instead, I got up and started doing it. It feels like all of that sleep lifted a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. School has just ended for me (college) and now all I have to worry about is NOTHING... (cept for my stupid dad).

Last might my dad was being stupid again because I had ACCIDENTALLY left the back door open (WHILE I WAS HOME!!!) and like the second he left the room, I started crying and my mom saw me... but she just like went outside or something. THEN i didnt want him to see my crying so I went into the bathroom. (by the way- I wasn't crying because I was sad that he yelled at me, I was crying because I can't deal with him ANYMORE. I'm sick of his shit and I'm sick of having to feel like shit in MY OWN HOME. your home is supposed to be the place where you feel comfort. You're not supposed to walk on eggshells at your home. you're not supposed to be cautious everytime you walk in the door because you don't know if you are going to get screamed at the second you walk in JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE IS IN A BAD MOOD!) ok anyways... hehee... when I came out of the bathroom (an hour later!) my mom looked at me (knowing DAMN WELL why I had been crying) and said "who's the boy?" and she was making it seem like i was sad because of a FUCKN GUY! well yeah, she was partially right, because I guess you can consider her husband a GUY.

But anyways, the point of this Post was to tell u guys thank you for being concerned! :) laters!

Re: almost did it
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Dec 10 02:42:23 2000 (#1792)

It's soooo good to hear that you're feeling a bit better. One day at a time, right? We DO care a lot for you, ya know. Besides, who's gonna sit in your chair if you leave? We all have chairs, I've decided. They're somewhere in cyberspace, but still, this feels like a room with chairs and couches and maybe bean bag chairs, too. Anyway, keep your seat warm, okay?

Love, DB

Cutting again
Posted by Marie on Fri Dec 8 17:01:52 2000 (#1766)

Do you guys ever cut, even when nothing really bad or upsetting has happened? I have't cut for five days now,and I want to cut so bad I can't stand it! Nothing has really happened, I just have a huge final tonight in my Experimental Psychology class that's stressing me like crazy.... I am just hoping to fight off the urge until after the exam.... maybe the desire to cut will die down then....

Re: Cutting again
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Dec 8 17:35:41 2000 (#1767)

I once did it just to see how sharp a new razor would be. I had only used an x-acto and scissors before and bought these double edged razors. I got curious and tried one out and it was much sharper than anything I'd used before.

Love, DB xoxo

Re: Cutting again
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 8 17:47:40 2000 (#1768)

Nobody is saying NO!! but, maybe it could be your final... do you want to hold off? That could be what triggers you? I am forever feeling thatway..nothing to do..and slcie slice.. Oh and DB.. I have never used anything but double edge blades..It doesnt take much of an effort does it. I mean. I am not encouraging anyone. We all have our weapons of choice (sort of speak) anyhow...hey, let us know how your final goes and the "OTHER" thing your struggling with..

Re: Cutting again
Posted by laura rose on Fri Dec 8 19:41:38 2000 (#1771)

Yeah, I know how you feel. Sometimes I'll just be sitting there and everything will be "ok". Then out of nowhere, I feel incredibly stressed and I can't breathe right and I feel this huge need to cut. I think it's like my body craves it almost and when a situation fails to come up that would make me want to cut, my body (or mind) creates that feeling that makes me cut. Cause it just comes out of nowhere and I can't ever pinpoint why I feel that way. So the only logical explaination is that there probable WAS nothing wrong, but SI is a habit, and sometimes I just need to do it for no reason.

Re: Cutting again
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 11 16:36:15 2000 (#1812)

Well, I got through the final alright and I still haven't cut. I really want to still and I'm fighting it off as best I can... It's been 7 days since the last time I cut and I'm going insane... I want to bleed! My weapon of choice is a double bladed shaving razor.. I usualy break one side of it and bend the blade forward just enough to cut... usually only about a fourth of an inch.. that way when I cut I can control how deep I go... I don't want to have to have stitches... I live in a small town and I know the emergency room dr. personally (I used to date his son) so I am very careful about cutting deep.... before that I would use knives, needles, x-acto knives... anything sharp, now I'm careful that the blade is clean and shallow so I can cover my ass and not go to the dr. Thank you guys for your support... I'm at work now, so I know that for at least the next 8 hours I won't cut.... (sigh...) I think it would be easier to just shoot up heroine or something.. at least then people don't think you're a freak.... I want my blade...

Didn't make it:(
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 12 21:02:10 2000 (#1853)

Well, I know I was hoping to make it through Monday without cutting, it would have been 7 days... I ended up getting hold of an x-acto knife and going to the bathroom and cutting about a four inch slice into my leg... (long sigh...) I hate myself for cutting, especially since I was so close to going a whole week without it... It's so frusterating!!!!! (loud, long, wail) When does it all end? When will I get better?????

><
Posted by Petit Cherie Malheureux on Fri Dec 8 22:46:32 2000 (#1773)

I wish no one were home so I could just scream! My God... why do people feel the need to make up rumors? I mean... half the shit they say IS true... Brian and I DID do that stuff... but the biggest part of it I haven't ever done... and pretty much don't plan on ever doing it! I hate school. One more week and I don't go for half a month... bleh.

And I HATE the fact that they have pictures of me... I can't stand it! I want to go up to Brian and demand to have them... but i can't do that! He won't even stop to tell me if he's the one that told everyone all this shit or not!

I know none of this makes any sense... I'm sorry! I have to get out... have another night out with the boys I guess! But I've been hangin out with them so much lately... I'm afraid one of them may start to like me... and all I wanna do is be friends. But he's having a horrible time right now with girls and I just don't know if I could let him down... ya know? UGH! I hate this! I swear I'm going to proclaim myself a dyke just until HS is over so that guys won't like me. But then the guys that I want to like me won't either! OMG... I need help!

Somehting needs to happen. Something good for once that lasts longer than a month. All I want is to be happy! And I'll keep saying that too! Until it happens.

*I am here all by myself and you're somewhere else with someone else... I am bein haunted by the love that isn't here*

80's music is awesome...

Baleigh

Re: ><
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Dec 9 17:06:06 2000 (#1778)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me?

Yup... I should have stayed home last night! I really should have. Now I've gone off and hurt his feelings... bleh... I wanna puke.

And Neal... if you even read this which I doubt you will... I really hope that ou're okay. If you've gotten to be so skinny... then it really wouldn't hurt just to eat a little something... ya know? Just so that you remain as healthy as you can. But I guess I've no room to talk becase I've never had that happen to me... so I have no idea what you're going through. But I do know that we're all here for you... if you just let us be!

Baleigh

stupid boy
Posted by neal on Fri Dec 8 23:54:07 2000 (#1774)

Hi, erm, I am feeling a little dizzy right now. I'm quite light headed and its difficult concentrating on the keys and typing. I've not been on the list for A while because I'vee been a bit messed up recently. I decided a a couple of weeks ago that I should stop eating, this qwaas mainly because since being at work and sat down all day I've started to put on weight, I know I' not fat but as I've alaways been very active, cycling, running, martial arts blah blah blah (this has been aboandend due to mounting pressures at work) I got very paranoid as I had begun to lose my body shape. So 2 weeks ago I gave up eaating,(this seemed the easire option, it was either that or join a gym ). This has had a number of effects. 1 I am now very nicea nd thin, but as a downer I am very tired, I can't concentrate very well and its difficult at work as everyone has noticed how gaunt I have beecome and I have really bad pains in what I'm guessing are my kidneys and stomach which is eating itself. I can cope with the pain in fact I am glad as I know that at least I'mnot getting fat. I've drunk two bottles of wi ne tonite and I'nm fealing a bit droswwwwy, no doubt as a direct reu;lt of no food, sorry about spelling its getting harder to hit the right keys, I knows this is ranmlbing but to the point, I know cannot face eating food, it now makes me feel sick but I have no wish to carry on this facade. I am sick of being depreessed and angry, but I think i've gone to far, I promised myself I woulsd'nt sink this low but it has crept up on me so discreetly that I;ve been caughht unaawre, I'm sick, but withh the alcohol at least I'm happyy; srroy for my obscenely self centered message, but no one kones how I feel. I'm fucked with being fucked. IM NOT WORKING

'But its tooo late to be rael, not time to be strong enough, just enough time to leave it all beghind, memory has become pain'

'Too afraid to open my eyes and see the sadneess thats inside'

'Youre so fragile tonight, been up hurting, all nite. Its not trivvial limke they think. I;'m desperate andI'm hurt.'

NW

Re: stupid boy
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Dec 9 00:44:59 2000 (#1775)

Neal, Please know we love you and want you to be okay. You can write to me any time and talk about whatever you want. I'll listen and try to help if I can.

Love, DB

xoxo

Re: stupid boy
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 9 04:25:56 2000 (#1776)

Neal, You know you are not alone in your pain.. Please write one of us, or keep posting. We really care about you, and everything you are saying are your feelings and your feelings are important.

Re: stupid boy
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 11 16:42:12 2000 (#1813)

Neal, everyone here is willing to help you... don't give up on yourself and don't give up on us...please stay with us....

Another session
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 9 04:37:35 2000 (#1777)

Hey guys, Did I say I vae therapy four times a week? Well I do. i have known this for years and lately since things have been really good in my life it seems that my fears are returning. Because of my history of "Sexual abuse" (medical term) I know I have inhibitions (blah blah) anyhow sorry i am boring you...But todays session went that way, and every time that happens its just that way it goes bad, just bad you Know?? and then times up..I feel so distraught. Like all these past feelings are being dredged up, and I dont know how to handle them. I have thought of going at myself with my blades but I am fighting it. I mean my husbands here and everything, so he keeps me distracted..AAAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAA RRRGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...I want to tear my insides out , just to feel the pain that fills me inside and rip out of me...and then the emptiness, od the darkness...and then there is nothing. This sucks you all, and all I can think of is tearing myself shitty, just to hurt on the outside and feel something real...thanks for letting me be part of this wonderful group of great listeners (without time restraints)

Re: Another session
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Dec 9 17:09:13 2000 (#1779)

Naww... there's no time restraints... but uhhh... we're priceless! LOL! How cheesy was that? Hopefully it at least made ya roll your eyes! : ) Love ya hun!

Bae

Re: Another session
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 11 16:53:23 2000 (#1814)

Nuni, we have something in common... I sturggled for years with my "sexul abuse" issues and am just now comming to terms with everything... I was mosested as a child, and throughout school I was sexually assaulted, then when I first began dating I was date raped.... It just seems like I had victim written accross my forehead or something... a part of the reason I cut is to make myself ugly enough that men won't try to make me do things I don't want to do... everytime someone (especially male) calls me beautiful I cringe because beauty isn't a blessing to me.... it's a creep magnet for men who will stop at nothing to get sex or grab a feel or say obsene things to you... I hate it, I want to cut the memories out of me... Nuni, write all you want, we won't give you a time limit or make you talk about things you aren't comfortable with...

Long Sleeves Again
Posted by Priscilla on Sat Dec 9 18:02:52 2000 (#1780)

I can't stop cutting. My grades are slipping because most nights I opt to cut rather than do any work. I have been failing two rather difficult classes and I just feel stupid. I am in therapy and Group therapy but that doesn't seem to be helping because there just isn't enough time to talk about any serious issues and I always feel worse afterwards. Every week my therapist says "Don't cut this week" and when I go back and have to tell her that I did it again, it makes me feel like even more or a failure. Any ideas?

Re: Long Sleeves Again
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 9 18:27:47 2000 (#1781)

I think a hard lesson we all have learned here is that if our therapist tells us to STOP we wont...I think we will stop when we believe we are ready to. I am not encouraging you to continue to cut but I am reminding you that when you do cut you are not alone in the pain. we are with you and we feel you. We all have what makes us tick you see, whatever triggers us...I dont want to throw all this mumbo jumbo about not giving up and stuff...its hard to believe when others who dont cut say Dont DO it..blah blah...we cut for different reasons, and in someway they are perfectly good ones. You are not alone and if you feel you need to "talk" you can e-mail me... Why do you feel YOU HAVE to tell your therapist? She already knows you cut, and unless you are ready to stop maybe she shouldnt set the limit. have you told her cutting is what helps you in some way...we are not freaks we just handle our problems in this way..sorry I went off on a soap box...keep coming back..~HUGS~ Nuni

sister
Posted by Kate on Sat Dec 9 18:47:58 2000 (#1782)

I need some advice. My sister is incredibly bitchy for a year on and off. My mom thinks she is depressed. She is such a bitch. Do you think people who are depressed act like that. I never get that way. She is irritable and has trouble sleeping. I hate her when she is like this but love her and want her to be okay. Could you help my mom and I .

Re: sister
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 9 20:20:49 2000 (#1784)

Irritability, and sleeplessness are signs of depression. How is her apetite, are drugs an issue in your sisters life, is she older or younger than you? Perhaps you ought to suggest to your mom and ask her directly what wrong...what about the school counselor, do you trust your school counselor...hmmm, what I have learned is that nobody can read someones mind, your sister may not believe or think you care about her.. talk ..communication is key (cliche) I know, but its worked for centuries.. Look at all of us here how do we keep going, we keep in touch and share feelings..I hope things get better for you and your sis :) hugs

Re: sister
Posted by Kate on Sun Dec 10 00:25:22 2000 (#1787)

She is 24,older than me, engaged to be married, has an appetite and drinks sometimes but we all do. She can be really bitchy and my mom walks around egg shells around her. My dad favors her and I am sick of it. With me they all kind of say get over but with her they bend over backwards. She will be going to a psychiartrist just for medicine. She used to be my best friend but we aren't getting along.

Re: sister
Posted by Jane on Sat Dec 9 20:24:04 2000 (#1785)

It is absolutely possible that your sister is depressed. That's how I acted when I was depressed and I can usually judge my progress by how I treat others. Don't give up on your sister. There is definitely something lurking beneath her bitchy defense mechanism.

Re: sister
Posted by Kate on Sun Dec 10 00:27:09 2000 (#1788)

It is hard to be around such bitchness though and have parents that worship her. When my mom heard I cut she just said not to do it again. She considers me the stronger of us and that is why I don't get special treatment.

Re: sister
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Dec 10 02:26:54 2000 (#1790)

Maybe she's worried about getting married. How long has she been engaged? If she sharted acting like this around the time she got engaged, it's probably stress from that. About not getting special treatment, maybe your mom thinks that you are so strong that you don't need help as much as your sister. I don't know, but maybe that's why. What if you told her that sometimes you need attention too? And by all means, talk to your sister. What can it hurt? You said she was already acting bitchy, so just let her know you care about her. Remind her of how close you used to be ahd tell her you miss that. Maybe she will realize that she misses having you to talk to. It's worth a shot.

Love, DB

Best Birthday Ever!!!!
Posted by Christine on Sat Dec 9 21:07:04 2000 (#1786)

Well my mom said she was going out grocery shoping she came home and I was on the computer,she told me to come help her carry in some stuff.I was like I'll be there in a second she was like hurry up.I got off the comp and shes I have something really heavy come help me.I turned to walk down the hall and I saw my grandma at the door I screamed and ran and huged her.She flew from Florida this morning just to be w/ me on my 16th birthday.She also brought a beautiful ring its gold and swirly with my birthstone in the shape of a heart. I'v got the best present in the world.Not only a ring to remember her for always but a week w/ her.I think I'll be to ocupied to cut.I hope I dont have the erge,even if I do I have her here w/ me.I think U get it that I'm really close to my grandma.Shes more of a best friend.Have a wonderful week all of u.I'm so happy.

Any of you that have pix can you send them to me?

Re: Best Birthday Ever!!!!
Posted by Kate on Sun Dec 10 00:28:39 2000 (#1789)

Happy birthday! I am happy you got to see your grandma, I am really close to mine too.

Re: Best Birthday Ever!!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Dec 10 02:31:28 2000 (#1791)

Happy birthday, baby! This is cheering me up too. It's obvious by your post that you're so happy. Grandma's can be cool. Mine's not to crazy about me sometimes, but if you've got a good one, hold on to her. And you got a ring! But I'm guessing that you would have been just as thrilled if you hadn't gotten the ring, right? Still, never turn down jewelry!! Yippee for birthdays and grandma's!!!!!

Love, DB

Grandma's
Posted by Maggie on Sun Dec 10 03:24:42 2000 (#1793)

I have always been the favourite granddaughter of my paternal grandparents. I'm not being cocky but they used to even tell me so. They would spoil me, cuddle me, play with me but meanwhile would critisise the other grandchildren (12 others) and never do anything for them. I used to be very uncomfortable with this because it was obvious the my cousins were jealous. Well anyway, they moved away to Sydney a few years ago and grandpa got really sick over there last July. The whole family flew over to see him in hospital and we all thought he was getting better. So I went into the city on the Friday, and he took a bad turn and I was the only one who wasn't with him when he died. I had never felt so guilty in my life when I found out 5 hours later. Everyone knew that I was closest to Grandpa and for some reason I just couldn't cry like everyone else. That made me feel worse, because everyone's attention was on me and it looked as though I didn't care. So I wrote the eulogy and read it out, after discussing with the other grandchildren what they wanted in it. From then on, I have noticed that grandma has no time for me. She basically ignores me, and when she phones up and I answer, she instantly asks to speak to Dad. I am so confused why this is. Maybe she didn't like the eulogy, maybe she is angry that I wasn't there when he died, maybe it was actually grandpa who cared for me and now he's gone she doesn't have to talk to me. But at the funeral I saw Grandpa's spirit next to the other people giving a eulogy, and I felt him next to me too. I don't know who believes in ghosts, but I always see and sense people around after they die. After feeling Grandpa with me I didn't feel guilty anymore, because I knew he forgave me... but I can't explain that to anyone else.

Re: Grandma's
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Dec 10 03:52:16 2000 (#1795)

I believe in ghosts and I wholeheartedly believe he was there with you. It wasn't your fault you couldn't be there. You didn't know. I think he's okay with that and he's probably been watching over you ever since the funeral, whether you realize it or not. Maybe you should talk to him about your grandmother. I talk to my grandparents sometimes and I talk to Billy, and I talk to God, though it's not quite the same since God didn't die. It's not like a prayer so much as just having a little conversation and talking about my day, asking for advice, etc. I think they all hear us when we talk to them. I also think they talk back, just not with words, so look around you. Is anything usual? It could be your grandpa trying to tell you something.

Love, DB xoxo

Me the pushover
Posted by Maggie on Sun Dec 10 03:48:08 2000 (#1794)

Well I don't know if you remember me writing up last week about a guy who likes me. Well I did go on that date with him, and then on another, and then 2 nights ago on another. Well what a charmer he was! He picked me up on his scooter on the main road of the city, and drove me along the waterfront up to the clifftops to watch the sunset. It was the most romantic thing I have ever experienced. For the first 2 dates I intentionally came across cold and he brought this up with me. He said "you have been hurt before". I denied this and said "i have been pissed off many times before". I was scared that he would sense my vunerability. I had put up this pretense of being very much in control, and confident. But he knew otherwise. He said that I seemed uptight and scared to get close to him. I hate to be described that way, and told him that I was just being cautious, because trust is something that a guy has to earn from me. So he came across as being all caring, trust-worthy, understanding etc. Oh yeah.. he was damn convincing as to not be the usual horny, manipulative sleazes I usually attract. After 2 incidents in my past that you could describe as sexual abuse from boyfriends, I am extra careful now. I didn't really want a boyfriend yet and I was SOOOOOO careful to not let down my guard until I was sure. Well I trusted him enough to go back for 'hot chocolate' at his appartment. It was all fun for awhile until he picked me up and carried me into his bedroom. I asked why and he said so that he could lie down while I gave him a back massage. I accepted that, and soon he was pushing for more. I resisted over and over again, and kept saying no. It was too fast, and I wanted someone who liked me for me, and not what sexual pleasure they can get from me. I said I didn't want to do anything, because it was bad after not really knowing him well enough. He said it would be bad of me to leave him this horny. He started pleading literally, and I still resisted until he pretty much pushed my head down there, and held it there. I had even tried telling him about my other bad experiences with guys and that is why I didn't want to do anything yet, but he didn't seem to care. I felt stupid for being hung up about that still, and when he said I was too uptight I basically gave in.

Then I said I had to go, and walked into the city where I felt so sick. Other guys on the street started hassling me and asking me to hop in their cars, and when I ignored them they yelled at me. I called Dad to pick me up and he got angry at me for keeping him up so late.

Anyway last night I was with some other friends and I asked if they knew this guy coz they went to the same school. They didn't know I had 'liked' him or anything, and they told me that he was a self-confessed escort/stripper. They knew heaps about him so I doubt they were lying.

So I messaged him on his phone and asked him if it were true, he still hasn't replied back to me. So now I feel discusting, used, vunerable, empty, and dirty. When will I learn not to trust people??? So when are we going to Canada again? I haven't cut over this yet, because I know if I do, I might not stop till there's nothing left.

Re: Me the pushover
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Dec 10 18:04:35 2000 (#1797)

Awwwww, Maggie. It's not your fault he's an asshole. And the fact that you were trying to tell him about your bad experiences makes him worse! It's good that you haven't cut over this. I know it won't help to say this, but he's hurt you enough already. Don't let him hurt you any more by cutting yourself. You should by all means, call him on his behavior. What he did wasn't right and he should know how you feel about it. Try to keep your head held high. You did nothing wrong. *HUGE HUG*

Love, DB xoxo

Re: Me the pushover
Posted by Nuni on Sun Dec 10 22:02:03 2000 (#1799)

OHHH Maggie, What an asshole. You totally did not deserve that shit. I agree with DB, he caused enough damamge dont hurt yourself. What a jerk!!! The thing is you tried, you trusted, it backfired. Its fucked up that because of that one man (and others) your prince charming will never get the chance to meet you. I am glad you confronted him, shows what a coward he really is...cant even return a call to admit he's an ass.. Canada??? Girl, I was just their last night, come on over anytime... remember, it was this wonderful fantasy we all created for our well being, and we should go there anytime we WANT or NEED. ~HUGS~ big ones~~~ Nuni

Re: Me the pushover
Posted by laura rose on Mon Dec 11 07:00:19 2000 (#1810)

Maggie.... First of all, how old is he? How old are you? Babe... you HAVE to tell someone, you are not the only one he has done this to. Others can get hurt. I'm soooo sorry for what he did to you... you said no... he took advantage of you. Someone HAS to know about this... please... shit... give me the boys phone number.... I'll fucking threaten to put a hit on his ass.. Sorry if i sound so mad... I've been hurt a lot, and have zero tolerance for those who do not care who they hurt... Email me if you wanna talk... *hugs* ~laura

melissa
Posted by blue rose on Sun Dec 10 05:23:42 2000 (#1796)

I just talked to Melissa's father. He said that she is not doing well. He didn't want to tell me anything else because I'm not a family member, which I understand. I just thought I'd let you all know. Pray for her, think about her, or whatever.

stay safe, everyone

health update
Posted by laura rose on Sun Dec 10 20:43:08 2000 (#1798)

As some of you may know, I'm going through some dialysis treatments right now, due to my kidney failure. Well, I just wanted to let you guys know what's going on with that. Right now, things aren't going too well. My weight is down in to the 70's and I have been getting rather ill. Next step is to have a feeding tube put in my tummy (eew). And there may be an extensive hospital stay in my near future. So um... for those of you who believe in God, can you maybe say a little something for me and my family? I would do it, but God doesn't really listen to me. And for those of you who don't believe in God, can you maybe just send a good thought or two in the direction of Seattle? Thanks.. you all are in my thoughts. *hugs* ... I love you guys ... Merry Early Christmas....

~laura

Re: health update
Posted by Lost on Sun Dec 10 22:08:10 2000 (#1800)

I don't believe in god, BUT I'll pray for u, JUST INCASE he really is there! :) I hope everything works out girl, and I hope you get through this!!!! MUAH!!!!

Re: health update
Posted by Maggie on Tue Dec 12 02:50:11 2000 (#1829)

Laura, Sorry to hear about that... I will definately pray for you and your family. I believe in God and he sometimes listens to me, so here's hoping he listens this time right. You wont be in hospital over Christmas will you? Let us know before you go if possible. Loads of love sent to Seattle XXXOOOXXX

Keep coming close
Posted by Lost on Sun Dec 10 22:16:14 2000 (#1801)

I keep coming SO close to dying! I just can't let go though. And today i was laying in my bed just staring at the ceiling and cryin for I don't even KNOW how long and a song came on the radio and i was listening to the words and it just kind of snapped me out of it.

The first part was about this girl who had gotten kidnapped and raped by 3 guys and she was only 13 and she didn't tell anyone and she wanted to die... and the song said

Thinking with your brains blown out it will make the pain go NO you gotta find a way to survive Cuz they win when your soul dies

Baby don’t cry, I hope you got your head up, Even when the road is hard never give up

And another part of it was talking about this 17 yr old girl who had 3 kids and the babys' father had all kinds of money and was all into partying and was a dead beat dad and it said

We were kids, Now she’s got 3 kids They see their father everyday and they don’t know who he is ……………….. I feel pity for you You ain’t even his wife 17 with 3 kids, locked down for life She should’a told me About to OD from the pressure, Hell nah I won’t let her

Baby don’t cry, I hope you got your head up, Even when the road is hard never give up Baby don’t cry, I hope you got your head up, Even when the road is hard never give up

I don't know just for SOME reason, it just kinda made me like want to survive or whatever and NOT give up.... Ok I'm stupid. I'll shut up.

Re: Keep coming close
Posted by laura rose on Sun Dec 10 22:26:32 2000 (#1802)

Hm... You aren't stupid... wanting to live is never stupid... Isn't that a 2pac song? You should get a song (if you have napster) called hold on, it's by sarah mclachlan (big surprise, i know)... i dunno... just think you may like it.... I'm glad you wanna stick around... I would miss you (selfish of me, i know, but hey... we are all entitled to be selfish every once in a while). ~laura

Re: Keep coming close
Posted by Lost on Sun Dec 10 22:46:18 2000 (#1803)

I downloaded that song... but i can't understand the words! hehe I know that sounds kinda dumb since its a slow song or whatever, but uhm for some reason with the way she sings, I can't understand it. Is there ANY WAY that u could e-mail me the lyrics cuz the few parts that i did understand, I liked... hehehe but anyways thanx girl. and yeah, that was a tupac song! :)

Re: Keep coming close
Posted by Nuni on Sun Dec 10 23:32:06 2000 (#1804)

Lost, You arent stupid. I love you, and Im glad you are sticking around too. I feel selfish also Laura when I worry about people, and hope that nothing happens to them because I ask myself what will I do qithout them??? You guys are awesome, and right now I dont know what I would do without you!!! I thought my husband understood me, but he's like everyone else, PRETENDING....makes me SAD, and sad is good since I didnt think I could feel. Lost, I cant even cry, only when I am trashed, (oops soap box) I am glad you exist.. HUGSoxoxoxo Nuni

CRYING out for HELP!!!
Posted by Nuni on Sun Dec 10 23:41:51 2000 (#1805)

Hey guys, I am feeling a bit helpless right now so unsure of what I should do.. i have these doubts about peoples sincerity...what is the point?? why am I here? this is too hard, the turmoil inside me, haunts me..I feel digusting.. I am to chicken shit to kill myself..and am avoiding my razor blades..I am longing to let some of me out through incisions, and I wish that would make me feel better and it will temporarily. Please, I know I sound desperate and all, but could someone come and sit next to me, I feel like the shittiest person in the whole world!!

Re: CRYING out for HELP!!!
Posted by Butterfly on Mon Dec 11 00:35:29 2000 (#1806)

I'd come and sit next to you, i'm not sure what i'd say (i'm too shy) but i can offer some hugs :) it's good that you're avoiding your blades it doesn't help in the long run. and you can't be the shittiest person in the whole world because i am :P

Butterfly

Re: CRYING out for HELP!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Dec 11 00:42:01 2000 (#1807)

I'll sit with you. I'll hold your hand, too, if you want. I could tell you how much I admire you for the advice you give us all. You're worth so much more than you know. You are enough and you are perfect in your scarred body, though you may never realize that. You are very important to everyone here and we want you to feel like you can trust us. People with trust issues are the best ones to talk to about your own distrust! We're more likely to try harder to help you feel better. If you have a stuffed animal, hug it as tightly as you can and imagine that all of us are doing the exact same thing to you. As tight as you hug the stuffed animal, or pillow, whatever, that's the way we would hug you. I was thinking about how we told Maggie to not let that guy make her cut herself because he had already hurt her enough. I got to thinking, none of us deserve to feel so bad that we have to bleed for it. Just think about how much you've been through and tell yourself that you need some peace for a while. I don't know if it will work or not, but if you try, at least you can't say you don't try anything new, right? ****BIG HUGS****

Love, DB xoxo

Re: CRYING out for HELP!!!
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 11 02:41:43 2000 (#1808)

Thank you so so so much... I hate that I go in and out with my moods. I feel so content at times then WHHOOOSH pit of darkness.. after I posted i went and laid down in the dark a little while.. I awoke with this burning feeling in my head.. I am there now Canada sitting on my favorite chair, and i dont feel so alone now, Butterfly, DB, you are there too, and others will soon come (I hope) anyway, thanks again..I hope I can keep being there for ya'll too. Nuni

Re: CRYING out for HELP!!!
Posted by laura rose on Mon Dec 11 04:51:44 2000 (#1809)

*gets up out of chair and sits on the other side of Nuni*... oops, was that your lap? Sheesh... sorry about that... um.. . yeah... I'm so sorry hon... I wish there was something I could do, or some magical word, but I don't think it's been invented yet. Hm... maybe we should make up some new words... I have a friend who is good at that... stuff like "flickychub" and "punkyfier"... um yeah... now I'm just being silly, but I hope it got a smile out of you... If not, go to lori and have her tell you about her adventures with lip-gloss.... (what is it? summer in a tube?)haha... she will put a smile on your face.... I love you, hon... be well... if only for a moment

~laura

Thank You All!!
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 11 17:30:58 2000 (#1815)

Hey Guys, I made it through last night. Its amazing I fell in the little pit I call despair, I called out and you listened. I felt you hold my hand, I felt you understand. Db, I still want to hear the lip gloss story, Well you all, I have to get back to work, but I hope you all have a good "uneventful" day..Take care! Hugs~Big Ones~ Luv ya' Nuni

Okay, the lipgloss story!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Dec 11 18:33:22 2000 (#1816)

Here we go: The other night, Laura and I were talking on IM and I had this strawberry flavored lipgloss on my desk. I put some on and licked it off. Well, it tasted REALLY good, so I just started dipping the little brush thingy in the tube and licking it straight off. It's Naturistics Strawberry Glitter Lipgloss. Anyway, after a while, my lips started tingling....then burning! So, I'm freaking out and asking Laura if I should call poison control and stuff like that. She told me to read the label and thankfully, there are no warnings against eating the stuff! I wiped my lips and they stopped burning and I kept on eating it. I bought it less than a week ago and already a third of the tube is gone! I'm eating glitter! I know we said we would never wear glitter or anything that looks like Britney Spears would wear it, but technically, I'm not wearing it! I'm using it for it's little known nutritional value!!!Um...vitamin G? You know, the glitter vitamin! They just discovered it! And I don't care what Laura says, it IS summer in a tube!!! Hey, if you wanna try it, they also have green apple, coconut and grape... But now I'm addicted to the stuff!!!

Love, DB (with lipgloss issues) *wink

Re: Okay, the lipgloss story!
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 11 19:18:23 2000 (#1817)

That is so funny..do you remeber the root beer, or Dr. Pepper, and bubble gum passion lip gloss...14 years ago I had the same apetite for it..LOL!! ;) Thanks for sharing! Hugs, Nuni

Re: Okay, the lipgloss story!
Posted by Christine on Tue Dec 12 03:06:06 2000 (#1830)

My friends always make fun of me cuz I love that stuff.Theres nothing wrong w/ glitter as long as you dont want to be a Britney Bitch.Strawberry ,Watermelon ,& this really cool pear watermelon and something are good

Kill me
Posted by bae on Mon Dec 11 19:27:28 2000 (#1818)

Hey guys. I'm at school right now. My internet service thing decided it was gonna screw over my life and make it a toll call every time you get online... so now I can't get on in my room anymore. The only way I can is if I go out in the office. And my mom and step-dad feel the need to be children and play video games all day long which occupies the office... hence... no privacy and no net for me. And on top of all that... consdiering my mom is as nosey as she is... she'll come in there all the time and want to see what I'm doing... and they've already caught me on Satanic sites (which doesn't mean a damn thing as far as I'm concerned) and if she knew that the only reason I get online is because you guys are here and you're my only support she'll go off on me and lock me away... So yeah... I had a pretty rough day yesterday. Things did not go well. I mean.. I am seriously beginning to think that I'm going insane. I sat there and cut so that I knew it would bleed pretty good... then I friggin PLAYED in it. I mean... dude... what's with that? And then I overheard my mother tlaking about how lazy I was... and this, that, and the other... so that made me feel like crap. Then she comes in and asks what I wanted for dinner (mind you... this is what she had been complaining about earlier) and I told her I wasn't hungry and she needn't bother herself with cooking me something. So then she went off on this little 'YOU NEED TO EAT' thing... which in my eyes was absolutely ridiculous because it's not like I have an eating disorder. So she made me eat spaghetti (which I HATE)and she kept looking at me at the dinner table so I just played with my food. Then I when I was done I got up and threw my dishes in the sink and went in the bathroom and gagged myself until I almost puked (which was the point) but then I started making too much noise. But yet again.. the crazy thing was I thought all of this was funny. I was crackin up inside and had to hold back all the laughs. Then and when I was slashing too! Tell me I'm not going crazy! But oh well. I suppose I'm gonna go.... since I'm at school and all. But this is yearbook class... it's not like we're doing anything anyway... but still... there's people around... ya know? And this school is famous for locking it's troubled students up in mental institutions. Yup... yup! So anyway! I guess the whole point of this was to say that I won't be around as much anymore... so this sucks! I dunno what I'll do without having you to complain to as much anymore! Hehehe... just want ya'll to know that I love you all! And email me sometime if you want... though I don't see the point casue that's not anymore private than the boards... but oh well!

Love you... Bae

Re: Kill me
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 11 19:41:03 2000 (#1819)

I'm sorry things are so crappy for you right now Bae... I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't post on here and share with you guys...It would be so scarey.. Just know that we love you and are hoping for the best... ~warm hugs~

Re: Kill me
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 11 21:48:05 2000 (#1821)

Sorry Sweetie, I hope you log on and write when you get the opportunity. We will continue to think about you. Dont forget us, oK?? We love you, hang in there! Hugs~~ Nuni

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