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Threads 501 to 550

SSRIs
Posted by Michael on Mon Dec 11 21:12:58 2000 (#1820)

Hi, I've been cutting for about 2½ years now, and it got really bad earlier this year when my girlfreind, another cutter, did it 32 times on her arm. I've been put on the anti-depressant paroxetine for about 8 months now, but i still have feelings to do it, and i still do sometimes. I was wondering if anybody else gets the same symptoms when i don't take them. If i stop taking them for 2 days or so, i become really shaky, and my vision becomes really sharp and i get panicy. It says in the leaflet that they're not addictive, so why does this happen? I don't want to take them, i feel unhappy when i take them every morning, i feel bad evertime i go to get paracetomol from the cabinet and i see them, i feel bad when i'm out during the day and i'm laughing and joking and talking because underneath i want to be depressed and i want to cut myself. So i stop taking them, and i feel ill and i want to cut myself. I feel like i'm going mad sometimes...the only thing stopping me doing it a lot is my girlfreind, but she does it and it makes me want to so badly. But she gets upset when i do it, and she gets' upset when i try to look at her scars. I only really do it now when we fall out. Anyway, this wans't supposed to be about me is there anyone out there on paroxetine? thanks

Re: SSRIs
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Dec 11 22:02:39 2000 (#1822)

Hi Michael,

I take paroxetine, too. 40 mg a day. I took Zoloft up until a couple of years ago, when it spontaneously quit working. I was on 200mg a day. I know they say that Zoloft is non-addictive, but it is, because I had to get off it before I could take the paroxetine (paxil). for a couple of months, I couldn't wake up completely. I had to hold on to the walls to walk some days and I couldn't drive at all because I was so dizzy all the time. I've never gone off the paroxetine, because it was so hard going off Zoloft. I know the main difference between the two is that Zoloft is a mono-amine oxidase inhibitior (MAOI) and Paroxetine is a selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) like you said. MAOI's are a bitch to go off of. I don't know about SSRI's. Klonopin is also very addictive, I'm trying to go off it now and it's taking months to do it. Don't ever take thioridizine. It's supposed to help with nervous problems, like panic, but if you take it very long at a time, you can develop a neurological disorder. I was only on it for a couple of months, but about a month after starting it, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop moving. I would lay in bed and rock back and forth. I even woke up doing that. It can cause facial tics if you take it very long. Thankfully, a good doctor decided that I didn't need it and explained what could happen. I didn't connect the rocking back and forth as something like a tic, but it was, because as soon as the thioridizine got out of my blood stream, I stopped. You can e-mail me about this if you want to talk about it. I would e-mail you myself, but you didn't leave your address, so here's mine: lorij60@hotmail.com

Love, DB xoxo

Re: SSRIs
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Dec 11 22:23:21 2000 (#1823)

Michael,

I got to thinking about the paxil thing and they have a website at http://www.paxil.com I copied a couple of the questions from the site and pasted them with this message. The manufacturers say it isn't addictive since it isn't in the benzodiazepine class of drugs, and the symptoms don't sound the same as yours. I tend to think that drug companies don't tell the whole truth about their meds. SmithKline Beecham is the manufacturer of paxil. Their website is at http://www.sb.com/ You can probably write to them from that address to find out more regarding your side effects. Is Paxil addictive? Paxil has been studied both in the short- and long-term use and is not associated with dependence or addiction. The class of drugs called benzodiazepines (which are used to treat certain anxiety disorders) has been associated with physical dependence in some patients. Paxil does not belong to this class of drugs.

Does Paxil cause side effects? Paxil is generally well tolerated. As with many medications, there can be side effects. Side effects could include decreased appetite, dry mouth, sweating, nausea, constipation, sexual side effects in men and women, yawn, tremor or sleepiness. Most people who experience side effects are not bothered enough to stop taking Paxil.

Love, DB

Re: SSRIs
Posted by Michael on Tue Dec 12 00:34:13 2000 (#1825)

Thanks, it's good to know there are other people like me, i suppose it's obvious that there will be, but you forget sometimes. Thanks again. Michael

Re: SSRIs
Posted by Maggie on Tue Dec 12 03:10:47 2000 (#1831)

I was put on 20mg of Cipramil and 10mg of amitryphthaline last month. I only had 3 weeks supply and when I ran out I didn't get a repeat. I hated taking them too because it made me feel like a zombie. I felt so passive and emotionless all the time when I knew that I should have a reaction like other people. When I was laughing I felt it was not because I was happy but because some drug is mucking around with my neurochemistry. But when I went off them I got really nauseous, got headaches, dizziness and irritable. When I told the clinic that I had run out, they went mental and said you are never supposed to suddenly stop taking SSRI's. Even though they are not addictive, your body gets used to having it, and if it suddenly doesn't get anymore it throws a fit. After all we are playing with neurotransmitters which are kinda vital things. So even though they may be horrible now, apparently you get used to them after a while. And if not, then maybe you need a different type of SSRI that works better for you. If it really bothers you still, maybe discuss it with your psychiatrist.

Something I wrote.. a rant
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 11 23:01:02 2000 (#1824)

This is how I deal with life.. I write... feel free to ignore, I just had to post it.. It helps me feel better... If you do decide to read it, please don't be offended by it, and know that it may be triggering.

I'm dying… I'm dying and I claw for my release, fight in terror of what I may face after death… the eternal rape of my soul by the demons of hell. They torment me in my life, how much more so after I die and can't get away? My hell will be the endless torture of leering faces and laughing eyes, viewing my naked body and tearing away my humanity. I have no dignity… they have taken that too. Heaven couldn't accept a whore like me… I am wretched and sinful… lost and confused… I have no where to go and no one to turn to… those I love will just leave me and even God doesn't want to hear the plea of a battered and torn shit-pile like me. Even He won't reach this low… not to pull me out of hell… out of the hell that I have created and trapped myself in. HELP ME… LOVE ME… UNDERSTAND ME… FEEL ME… You can see I'm hurting, but you won't even ask why… You ask me how I am today and you accept my murmur of Fine without even looking to see the tears on my face or hear my silently begging expression cry out to you to ask me again and again until I'm sure that you really do care and want to know how I feel… Pitiful creature that I am… I slip below notice… unworthy of your attention… worthy only of being used and tortured and thrown aside while all I can do is watch and beg you not to go… don't leave me here… don't leave me alone to face these demons… protect me… love me… please love me… The cold knife of a friend is so sweet… the blood flows and cleanses and anesthetizes… I could die here, drowning in my own blood as the wounds cry from my flesh and beg to be noticed… to be healed. Do you hear the voice crying from my skin? Do you feel me clawing at your feet as you turn to walk away? Do you feel my tears begging you to stay… to understand me? Please help me...

Re: Something I wrote.. a RESPONSE
Posted by Nuni on Tue Dec 12 01:44:19 2000 (#1827)

I know you didnt want a response...I have to say I feel the pain, anger, frustration...the crying out, I do that too, Im gald you posted this, not a rant really..more like expression.. you need not beg us to stay we are here for you the whole lot of us, and we love you, scarrs or not.. hugs to you, ~Nuni~

Re: Something I wrote.. a RESPONSE
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 12 15:20:36 2000 (#1839)

Thank you Nuni... I know you all care and Thank you everyone who read the post... it feels good to be able to share my emotions... painful, but good... maybe we'll all heal eventually... Thank you guys... love to all and hugs all around... :)

Re: Something I wrote.. a RESPONSE
Posted by Linda on Wed Dec 13 05:18:17 2000 (#1874)

Marie, I just had to post this. I know that there is the possibility that you may think by my quoting scripture that it is against you or in judgment of you but it is not meant so. It is the stable ground I stand on, the rock that will not slide, the hope for every aspiration and the answer to every problem. So please read it as I read your rant and know that in love I speak hoping you will grab the rope I toss: Psalm 103:8-14 "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy. He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever. He hath not dealt with us after our sins: nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him, As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear Him. For he knoweth our frame: he remembereth that we are dust." Hear it.....His mercy is great toward those that fear Him...He knows what we are made of....HE UNDERSTANDS! He does not see you as you see yourself....He has provided a way that you may be seen perfect and clean.....through Jesus!!(((((((((()))))))))) Wish I could give you a real hug right now!!

my daughter
Posted by a mom on Tue Dec 12 00:47:24 2000 (#1826)

im sorry for all of you. i wish i understood the problem or maybe even felt your pain for a while. im about to loose my daughter melissa. i dont know how well any of you know her but if there is anything you would like to say to me, just post and i will visit every day. i dont know what else to say at the moment so for now, good bye

Re: my daughter
Posted by Nuni on Tue Dec 12 01:49:59 2000 (#1828)

I know Melissa from her posts. I really hope she is doing ok.. Please e-mail me and if you dont mind telling me what condition she is..We have grown to care about one another here because it seems that we are misunderstood, or not understood at all. But here we relate, all of our problems are unique but we make sense of things because problems tend to over lap. We worry about one another so if you could please tell me or us. Nuni

Re: my daughter
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Dec 12 03:14:35 2000 (#1832)

We all love Melissa here and have been worried about her since she stopped posting here. Laura tried to e-mail her, but the address she used when she posted here wouldn't work. We just want her to be okay and have her come back to us. Of course, you want that, too. I will say a prayer for her as I'm sure many of us will. Please come back and let us know how she is.

Love, DB xoxo

Re: my daughter
Posted by Maggie on Tue Dec 12 03:21:36 2000 (#1833)

I'm so sorry about Melissa. It must be a really hard time for you right now. I know Melissa from her posts, but because we go through similar things it feels like I've known everyone here forever. Please tell Melissa that we all love her and hope that she recovers soon. I am praying for her and you too everyday. Look after yourself. Love Maggie.

Re: my daughter
Posted by Lost on Tue Dec 12 03:32:13 2000 (#1834)

Hi. You and I talked earlier for a while about Melissa. I am the one who you said she mentioned... but anyway, please tell her that I said for her to keep her head up and that she needs to e-mail me ASAP and that she knows i'll be there to listen to her. PLEASE. thanks again

Re: my daughter
Posted by Linda on Tue Dec 12 21:22:29 2000 (#1856)

(((((((((((Melissa's Mom))))))))))))) I know how you must feel. I am a Mom too and know how we try to blame ourselves when our children are in such despair. I, too, came here for help in understanding self-injury. I have been here for 9 months and made some of the sweetest friendships. I have found these "children"(and that is the way I see them all)to be some of the sweetest, most sensitive people I have ever met. They seem to need a bit more physical and emotional affirmation than the majority of people but if given that, add to this world a dimension of art, music and beauty that is unsurpassed. My prayers are with you during this time with your daughter. I know the "rock" of my stability is found in Jesus Christ, who's birth we celebrate at this delightful season. Should you need another mother to confide in, please feel free to email me.

How can I help?
Posted by girlfriend on Tue Dec 12 03:52:23 2000 (#1835)

Hi. I have a boyfriend who cuts. I don't understand and he doesn't want to explain. I don't know how to help. Should I just pretend not to notice? Should I try to make him stop? Should I beg him to open up to me? I have no idea what's wrong. Everything will be fine, just a normal regular day, and he'll go in the bathroom, and he'll come out bleeding. He doesn't hide it but he won't explain. What can I do to help?

Re: How can I help?
Posted by Nuni on Tue Dec 12 04:00:19 2000 (#1836)

Well it appears that he is crying out for help. It isnt an attention getting thing, I am almost sure. My suggestion to you (I CUT)..it will be worse i think if you ask him to stop cutting, just be there, listen when he talks to you about it, maybe what is normal to you triggers him to SI (self-injure) It obviously wont do you any good to pretend it isnt happening because it will strain situations between the both of you, I suppose in a nut shell (too late) be there for him, dont judge him, and listen...maybe he can find someone to uderstand him here. We are not here to help cure anyone, we basically come here because we all have SI in common.. Hang in there I know you care about him because you are reaching out for help. hugs to you for that!! Nuni

Re: How can I help?
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 12 15:32:37 2000 (#1840)

Hi... I agree with Nuni, don't try to make him stop, that will likely just push him away. It's wonderful that you care so much about him... I know it's frusterating when your lover won't talk (mine has trouble talking about painful things) The best thing you can do is listen if and when he doesn't talk, and most of all BE UNDERSTANDING... if you think he will post here refer him to our board, we all cut or SI in some way... maybe he will open up a little around people who share the same behavior... Good luck, and I hope things get better...

i'm new here
Posted by sunny on Tue Dec 12 10:07:41 2000 (#1837)

Hey guys, I was just wondering if everyone was allowed to post things on here? I didn't know if this is like...I don't know, closed or something. I have been cutting for close to twelve years, and I'm 23 now. I guess, I don't know, if someone could tell me whether or not it's okay for me to come here, that would be cool. Thanks, y'all. Take care, Sunny

Re: i'm new here
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 12 15:35:05 2000 (#1841)

Welcome Sunny! I'm 21 and have been cutting for 9 years... I'm glad you will be joining us... we are not a closed group... we're more like an open and extended family... Feel free to share and post as often as you like, we will all listen and help if we can...

Re: i'm new here
Posted by Kate on Tue Dec 12 16:56:44 2000 (#1843)

Hi, I'm Kate. I am 22. It is nice to have someone here close to my age. We are some of the older ones. But everyone here is so cool they all seem like they are older. You will like it here.

Re: i'm new here
Posted by Nuni on Tue Dec 12 19:13:29 2000 (#1845)

Welcome, I am the oldest (not wisest) 27, been cutting since I was 14 or so..anyway YAWN welcome... Post any time, we have become a tight extended family, anything goes, dont hold back.. (Offering a welcoming) HUG!!! Nuni

Re: i'm new here
Posted by laura rose on Tue Dec 12 20:38:48 2000 (#1848)

Hi, my name is laura, i am 23 years old, and i am a cutter.... haha.. i'm also the resident smart-ass... sorry... welcome to the board. I'm really not that bad... I just make jokes about my SI... at least I try to.. Any way. Glad you are here, but at the same time, I'm not.. Sucks to know that there are more out there who SI. I wish there was no need for this board, but I'm glad it's here. I'm glad all of you are here too.. =)

~laura

Hullo Sunny
Posted by Baleigh on Wed Dec 13 01:04:02 2000 (#1866)

Hullo there! Hehehe... sorry... I'm in a good mood right now. But anyway! Since everyone else intrduced themselves... I thought I should do so also. I'm Baleigh, I'm 16, live in lovely, indecisive FL, and have been cutting for 3 years. And I'm kinda having this problem right now... it looks like my skin is mildewing... LoL... but oh well! Tis my own fault. And I think that each and every one of us brings something else to the board... Laura Rose is the smart ass (love ya)... Nuni and DB are the absolutely wonderful, caring, and beautiful people (as is everyone here) whom of which makes everything better... and I'm the immature, teenage female who has horrible guy problems and then I'm the one who acts WAY too old for my age (yet I'm immature... how that works... I dunno) I think my vocabulary is too extensive for my own well being. TOLD YA I'M N A FUNNY MOOD!! Anyway! LoL! Welcome! I've probably scared you off... hopefully not! : )

Re: Hullo Sunny
Posted by Nuni on Wed Dec 13 03:19:18 2000 (#1871)

Baleigh, you totally deserve a HUGE Huh for that...MUAH!!!! xoxox, I am gald you are feeling good. ;)

Nuni
Posted by Me Me Me on Wed Dec 13 14:53:52 2000 (#1876)

HEhehehe... thanks!!! I know... it's been weird... things are horrible right now but I just seem immune!

Bae

new person too!!
Posted by Fran on Tue Dec 12 14:37:28 2000 (#1838)

I just really need someone to talk to , who won't judge me. So I though this might be a place to start. F

Re: new person too!!
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 12 15:43:11 2000 (#1842)

Fran, I'm glad you came... believe me, we won't judge you, we are all here because we need someone to listen and we like to listen to one another. Welcome to the board... :)

Re: new person too!!
Posted by laura roses on Tue Dec 12 20:41:53 2000 (#1849)

Hi Fran... welcome to the board. Um... I'm here if you need to talk.. Are you on AIM? My sn is somefumblerchick... there are a few of us on AIM that I know about. Any way... Feel free to say anything you want. We wont judge ya at all... I may make a smart ass comment here and there, but not about you.. so it's ok. =)

not so new person anymore!
Posted by Fran on Thu Dec 14 11:21:23 2000 (#1899)

Thank you so much for welcoming me to the Board. I've had a really bad month my parents threatened to hospitalise me because of my 'abnormal' behaviour. I have a hard time trying to stop my cutting but it's the biggest relief, I just can't cry any more and it's all I have left. Laura I'm really confused about what you were saying in the first part of you're message, do I have...?

Re: AIM
Posted by Fran on Thu Dec 14 11:25:52 2000 (#1900)

You asked me whether I was on AIM, but I'm a bit confused by this.Can you explain?

Forget Re: AIM
Posted by Fran on Thu Dec 14 11:44:38 2000 (#1903)

Sorry Laura I've just read other messages and now know what AIM is. I am not good with internet speak as you may have gathered.

All the new people!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Dec 12 19:04:25 2000 (#1844)

Hi,

*looks around. Gosh, out little group is growing! We're gonna have to get some more chairs in here. Anyway, WELCOME everybody! It's always nice to meet new people. I thought since some of us were making introductions, I would do the same. I am DeliriousButterfly (DB, if you prefer). I'm 23 and I cut myself when I feel the need to do so. We're a funny bunch of people. Myself, I eat lipgloss for fun! Anyway, we talk about heavy subjects like cutting and how we feel when bad shit happens, but we tell jokes, too. Gotta lighten the mood sometimes! We also bitch and moan from time to time, so everyone is welcome to do that as well. Just talk about whatever's on your mind, work, school, how other people react to your cutting, if they know, etc. We have no rules here because we don't need them! There's too many rules in the world anyway. Oh, and the house in Canada. Occasionally we will talk about going up to Canada. See, we started thinking about how nice it would be if we could all be together and Laura suggested Canada. We imagined a big house with enough room for everyone and a meadow with horses and mountains. When one of us is feeling down, we'll ask if someone wants to go to Canada. We should build on a few rooms for our newest friends! You're all welcome to come with us when we 'go there.' Anyway, if anyone can think of something I didn't mention, let everyone know, cause you know I'm scatterbrained! And by all means, introductions are in order! Laura! Sara! Maggie! Christine! Come out and say hi! You know I love you chicks!

Love, DB

Re: All the new people!
Posted by Nuni on Tue Dec 12 19:15:47 2000 (#1846)

Hey, I feel left out...but the house in Canada is a safe haven, no long sleeves, nothing to hide and no judging words, just hugs and understanding!! WELCOME!!!!

Re: All the new people!
Posted by Michael on Tue Dec 12 20:00:53 2000 (#1847)

Hiya. I posted a message for the first time yesterday, DB was really helpfull, and Maggie too. It's good to have people to talk to without being embarrased and not having to cover things up. I'm 17, and have been cutting since I was 15 (i think). I think i'm getting better, but my mood is so volatile, that i never know. I'm in England, so i can't come to Canada! It's not fair! Thanks Michael

Re: All the new people!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Dec 12 20:50:21 2000 (#1851)

Michael, don't feel bad about feeling so far away. I live in Tennessee in the southern US, so I'm pretty far away myself. Maggie lives in New Zealand and she still 'goes there.' Anybody can go! And Nuni, I didn't forget you! I just saw that you had replied to a message already. but, to ease your feelings of being left out: NUNI!!!!!!!! Where are you? come out and play a while! Pleassssseeeeee!!!!

I love you all, DB

Re: All the new people!
Posted by Nuni on Wed Dec 13 00:12:37 2000 (#1865)

I am in San Diego, California!!! I still go to Canada. DB, I was kidding..I am so needy lately. but u all are so great!!

Re: All the new people!
Posted by laura rose on Tue Dec 12 21:26:12 2000 (#1857)

Aw... we'll come and get you and your girlfriend. I think Neal is in England... any way... we'll find a way to get y'all out of there... heehee

~laura

Canada
Posted by Fran on Thu Dec 14 11:33:59 2000 (#1901)

What an amazing idea. I love this discussion room it has the most amazing vibe, I feel at home already. I too live in England but after my exams I would love to go to Canada(hopefully I can get the money together). Could you let me know all about it, the times you go. How many times have you done it before? or is it a new idea?

Re: Canada
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 14 21:34:06 2000 (#1914)

Canada...It is a land that exists yes.. But there we created a home where we a live w/ out judgement. We have all of our favorite things there, and most of all we dont have to hide our cutting. No long sleeves, just you the natural you. I think Db likes butterflies, others like dogs. Laura will bring her horses. I think it was Sara who wouldnt mind cooking. I do laundry, I love washing EVERYTHING!! CLean Clean.. anyway...(sorry) So ah yes the house in Canada you can go there any time you want, especially if you are struggling with something. We all have a seat, and we can always bring in extras any time. Welcome Fran, Hugs to you, and you guys are awesome all of you!! Take care , Nuni

Re: Canada
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 15 01:50:21 2000 (#1931)

Fran sweetie, its not a real place.... its hard to explain but further up in the posts we talk about it... its kinda confusing... but its our special place

Misunderstanding Canada!
Posted by Fran on Fri Dec 15 15:01:50 2000 (#1943)

Okay I feel stupid I don't know why I thought it was a real place. But can you see how it would be easy to misunderstand?

Re: Misunderstanding Canada!
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 15 18:23:42 2000 (#1946)

Totally, thats why I kinda explained it to u :) Ur not stupid. it was cute

Re: Misunderstanding Canada!
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 16 23:37:41 2000 (#1979)

I could see why you ,misunderstood. We believe in it so whole heartedly it exists w/in us. You are not stupid. You just didnt know. anyway, anything special you would like to add to our house?

Re: Misunderstanding Canada!
Posted by Franny on Mon Dec 18 12:21:44 2000 (#2015)

I love shakespeare and I think I'd like to create a place where we can perform shakespeare plays. Perhaps in the summer we could set them up outside..so I can act my heart out and become someone else entirely. I think we should have a Ball, everyone dresses up in wonderful dresses the guys have to wear white tie. The house has a huge veranda , which is decorated with wonderful magical lights. There's lots of food and dancing , the music-anything from the waltz to fifties classics. I can design the dresses, and we can all help each other do hair and makeup, lot's and lot's of flowers everywhere, flowers on the floor and the full moon is shining because there's hope for tommorow!

Re: Misunderstanding Canada!
Posted by Lost on Mon Dec 18 22:26:36 2000 (#2022)

We can do that in our house in Canada :) We can have all kinds of SEXY guys come in and build a big stage in our huge back yard that we have and we can set up a whole big area just for your plays and stuff!!! :)

hello, am i the only bloke?
Posted by SImon on Wed Dec 20 16:58:16 2000 (#2091)

Hi girls. I just discovered ur message board and since, although i do have some friends who went through a little phase of self harm i still think it makes some of them uncomfortable if i want 2 talk about my SI it kind of freaks most peeps out. anyway, im a relatively rare thing within the SI community - an adult male who has not been physically abused. well i still get really depressed and guilty for whatever reasons so i started cutting last winter. I have a history of numerous suicide attempts but i dont feel that way NEmore cos i get my anger out with the blood. i think this is proberbly way 2 deep for a load of people who i dont know but that's basically me. im at uni so will try to send more messages if im welcome here. Cya

odd.. but read any way
Posted by laura rose on Tue Dec 12 20:45:54 2000 (#1850)

haha... did anyone notice I put laura roses down on my last post? haha... WTF?!?! where did that come from? Any way... man... I just have to say that Lost and DB are two of the funniest chicks I have ever talked to.. you guys rock. Um... hm... who all on here has AIM or aolIM? For those of you that dont, it would be kewl if you would get it so we could all talk and stuff... yeah.. any way.. the mailman just left, so i'm gonna go check my mail and hopefully get an x-mas card or a Sarah McLachlan poster...

~laura

Re: odd.. but read any way
Posted by DeliriousFlutterby on Wed Dec 13 02:32:20 2000 (#1868)

Okay Laura, I screwed with my name, too. I always thought flutterby was a better name for butterflies anyway! Love ya, smartass!

Lipgloss forever, DF(?)

AIM?
Posted by Michael on Tue Dec 12 20:54:06 2000 (#1852)

Hiya, erm, what's AIM? Laura Roses mentioned it earlier? Is it like a chat program? Or am i being really stupid here?

Re: AIM?
Posted by marie on Tue Dec 12 21:04:19 2000 (#1854)

I'm not for sure myself, but I think it's an instant messaging/chat program.... Does anyone know where I can get it?...

Re: AIM?
Posted by laura rose on Tue Dec 12 21:12:01 2000 (#1855)

haha... laura roses? heehee... yes.. it's instant messaging.. you can d/l it for free and talk to anyone you want to... go to www.aim.com there you can d/l it and set up a free account... then share your sn with us and we can talk to ya online.. ok? Hurry up and get it... =)

~laura

ME ME ME ME!!!
Posted by Lost on Tue Dec 12 21:31:22 2000 (#1858)

My sn on there is KaleenaKrackHead... SO TALK TO ME DAMMIT!!!! :)

you can find me on aim now
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 12 21:50:26 2000 (#1859)

I am MarieMobley....

Re: you can find me on aim now
Posted by Michael on Tue Dec 12 22:23:34 2000 (#1860)

Me too! I am ClickyUK

Re: AIM?
Posted by Michael on Tue Dec 12 22:42:04 2000 (#1861)

Sorry! I was probably typing fast......!

ME ME ME ME TOO!!!
Posted by blue rose on Tue Dec 12 22:51:31 2000 (#1862)

I'm rose aik. I'm always online. Talk to me, I get lonely.

Re: ME ME ME ME TOO!!!
Posted by Lost on Tue Dec 12 23:15:28 2000 (#1863)

WOOOHOOO!!! we got ourselves a nice lil party goin on!!! haha

Re: ME ME ME ME TOO!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Dec 13 02:28:33 2000 (#1867)

My name is DeliriousB. big surprise, huh?!?

Re: ME ME ME ME TOO!!!
Posted by Nuni on Wed Dec 13 03:16:55 2000 (#1870)

Hey you all, mine is TurtlesCor....so, how does work from there???

Re: ME ME ME ME TOO!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Dec 13 19:19:53 2000 (#1881)

I think you just add everyone's name to your list and when one of us is on, it's ambush time! That's how I'm doing it.

Love, DB

Re: ME ME ME ME TOO!!!
Posted by Christine on Fri Dec 15 07:15:02 2000 (#1936)

Godeess1357 I'll be looking for ur names!!!

Re: ME ME ME ME TOO!!!
Posted by amy on Tue Dec 19 10:12:22 2000 (#2044)

gOt TwIgGy

Goodbye for now
Posted by Darkrose on Tue Dec 12 23:36:32 2000 (#1864)

Just for now, really. I'm done with finals and I'm going home today. I don't dare come to the board from there, so I'll be missing for about a month. Sorry I haven't been around for a while. I started feeling like an outsider again. Anyway, I know the holidays can sometimes be rough, but try to have a good time anyway. It sounds stupid, but enjoy the lights. I always do.

Until January, then.

Peace.

As if I knew.
Posted by blue rose on Wed Dec 13 02:50:19 2000 (#1869)

I don't know what this all means. Damp, dark, bitter cold that makes me wish I were non-exsistent. Maybe it's not the weather, maybe it's stress that is making that bridge look ever more tempting. I haven't cut in over a month, but sinse then suicide has been plagueing my mind. I have not the slightest clue as to why that is. I'm not sad and depressed, filled with hopelessness and dispair. Everything is going along decently enough but I can't shake this feeling of unstableness. I feel like I have the ocean in my head and the waves are beating against the insides of my skull making me want to climb walls and kiss babies and chase horses and run into oncoming traffic. My scars are almost all healed so I have nothing to look at for comfort anymore. Nothing to prove that when I am hurt I do in fact bleed. That sounds pathetic, but sometimes I feel like a delusion. But, yeah, I'm done for now. And don't worry, I'll be okay, I'm always okay.

Stay safe.

Re: As if I knew.
Posted by Nuni on Wed Dec 13 04:00:49 2000 (#1872)

Gee, you were able to sum up what i have tried to describe. Im sorry you feel the ocean that way, that cant feel good. You know where you can chase horses? Canada, we have a house there, everyone has there favorite things there, and when we talk we all have a favorite chair, and you are never alone when you want to HURT, because your hurt becomes all of ours..Maggies, DB's, Lost, Marie's, Laura Rose(s) Baleigh's, OK? so come sit next to one of us and you will not be so alone...

Re: As if I knew.
Posted by blue rose on Wed Dec 13 04:30:59 2000 (#1873)

It's cold in Canada. It's colder than here in Minnesota. It's like -10 degrees. But, if you guys want to take a vacation to Mexico sometime I'll be happy to join you.

Re: As if I knew.
Posted by Nuni on Wed Dec 13 06:34:42 2000 (#1875)

Its always warm where we are, because we get to wear shorts, sleeveless shirts, nothing to hide, we go swimming, lay out, NO fear, our fantasy, our home in CANADA

HA!! I love school
Posted by Me Me ME on Wed Dec 13 14:57:28 2000 (#1877)

Hullo and GOOD MORNING!!! I'm at school again... LoL. I just got done taking my 1st period exam... and I should be studying for my next one... but who cares about Caesar? Not I? I oculd give 2 craps about Why Cassius felt he could get Brutus into the conspiracy! Oh well though! I dunno... there's no point to this ppost... I was just bored! Love you guys!

Bae

Re: HA!! I love school
Posted by Marie on Wed Dec 13 18:47:10 2000 (#1879)

Lotsa luck on exams Bae...

Re: HA!! I love school
Posted by Baleigh on Thu Dec 14 00:00:05 2000 (#1890)

HAHA! Thanks! I need all the luck I can get!

Bae

m
Posted by Michael on Wed Dec 13 18:46:52 2000 (#1878)

why do i have these mood swings, how can i be laughing one minutes and then crying the next, like now. I hate it. I feel like a bad person but i know i've done nothing wrong. I can't stop and i don't want to face my parents i dont want them to see me i don't want a deep talk. why does the slightest thing upset me. why can'ty people let me do wha i want...if it help why can't i do it i knwo i will be more upste by the long term consequences bu ti live for the present so just a little cut...jst one butr i can't it's not fair

Re: m
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Dec 13 19:18:26 2000 (#1880)

Michael,

You're not a bad person, just sensitive. We have a tendency to feel that way and it's not fair. I know how it feels to just want the world to go away and let you be yourself for a while. To not have to explain anything to anyone, that's a dream! I think that Laura was right when she said everyone else is one dimensional (sp?). They always want to talk about it and make us explain everything and then analyze what we say. It's like beating a dead horse, just let the damn horse be dead! I hope it helps a little to know that you can tell us anything in the world and we will try to help you. And if you don't want to talk about anything, you don't have to. I just thought of something Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. said once, "We are what we pretend to be." the world wants us to pretend that we're okay, even when we're not. You can be Michael here and we will love you all the more for it. *hugs Michael*

Love, DB

Re: m
Posted by marie on Wed Dec 13 20:30:23 2000 (#1883)

I'm sorry things are so topsy-turvy... I had a day like that on Monday... I was laughing then crying then laughing.. then cutting.. then crying some more... I'm here for you Michael, we all are.... by the way... sorry about erlier.. I got really busy at work

Re: m
Posted by laura rose on Wed Dec 13 20:35:39 2000 (#1884)

Well, what DB said was right about the beating the dead horse thing. We don't want others to analyze us, but we are constantly analyzing ourselves. And blaming ourselves. Carrying the weight of the world upon our shoulders, but constantly falling short in our eyes and the eyes of others. I was talking to Nuni last night. I've always noticed that SI'ers are amongst the most caring and sensitive people. Otherwise, why would we internalize all of this pain, just so others wouldn't have to see or feel it? I don't know about you guys, but I don't wear my cuts with pride. They are hidden so I don't have to see looks of pain and disgust on the faces of others. Our emotions are sooo magnified and intensified, it's almost as if we possess a 4th dimension. We can see things in a light that others dont. To the average person, a homeless man is just a homeless man, but to the average SI'er, they can actually *feel* that person. Am I making sense here, or is this just me? Well, I know that at least DB feels that way. But as much as we care about others... there is this rage inside of us. It rarely comes out when others are around (in my case). But when it does, it is hurtful. The average SI'er likes to hurt people with words... rather than to physically hurt people... and they are damn good at it too. We are not dumb people, if anything ~ we are above average intelligence (heehee... i'm a genious apparantly - neener neener)... We have found a way to cope with life.. something a lot of people can't do. Sheesh... where am I headed with this? I guess I'm just reinstating the fact that we are ALL like this... the reason I start to laugh, and then begin crying... is because I don't deserve to be happy. With all the shit that's going on in the world ~ what right do I have to be happy until I have not only blamed myself for everything that is wrong in the world.. but until I have solved it. Impossible, you say? Exactly. And you would think that would stop me. Nope. I blame myself for the fact that I can't fix things. It's a cycle.. and having people on the outside, who don't understand.. just makes it worse. If they would just ignore the SI, they would be doing a world of good. But they don't understand that. Yes, there is no point to this post... but perhaps some people related to it, and maybe that was my intent... Love you guys.

~laura Now Playing: Plenty, Sarah McLachlan

Re: m
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 14 00:05:14 2000 (#1891)

Hi Michael, Maybe this will not make sense but I can agree with Laura Rose and DB... we are deep thinkers, and people dont get why we feel the way we do, or dont. I dont know if this happens to you but I feel numb at times, I cant cry, I have to cut..its a turmoil within that urges me to. I havent in a few days, but coming here to talk to all of you, everyone of you makes this world less scary to deal with. Feeling sad and then happy...well we are looking to balancing out our emotions, sometime they take over us because we may not KNOW how to deal with them whether good or bad..hmm I dont know..I want to reassure you that no matter what Michael shows up Happy, sad, angry, or none feeling you are welcome to sit next to anyone of us, and you wont be alone. HUGS!!! You guys rule!!! Nuni

I can`t take it anymore..
Posted by Anka on Wed Dec 13 19:34:52 2000 (#1882)

I don`t know how much longer I can take this...I just want to cut myself, go to bed and never wake up again. I`m a mess right now. My therapist tells me I have to stop being so hard on my self and that I can judge my self so hard, but I have to. I`m a bad person,everything I say or do is wrong,I`m just whortless. I feel like I will never be able to be normal again. But I guess I don`t deserve it, have I been somebody else I would have, but I`m me, Anka, and I don`t deserve anything.

Sorry, I just had to write down my thoughts...

Love Anka

Re: I can`t take it anymore..
Posted by Marie on Wed Dec 13 21:19:22 2000 (#1885)

Anka, Don't be sorry for sharing your thoughts or feelings... it's what we're here for... Hugs to you, I hope you start feeling better soon...

Re: I can`t take it anymore..
Posted by laura rose on Wed Dec 13 21:56:47 2000 (#1887)

please see above post *points up*... the one titled Re:m

my choice between 2 evils
Posted by Sara on Wed Dec 13 21:34:33 2000 (#1886)

Please pray for me...I love all of you, and your support is everything. I have not cut in a month now, I have been fighting so hard...I was not crying, though, and that had me worried, becasue I used to not let myself cry, and cut instead. Things were bad last night but I made my choice...I let myself cry. I sobbed forever, and wouldn't let myself cut. It was the biggest step I could have taken, and now I feel maybe I'm really on the way to getting better. I've kept so busy lately that I haven't even had time to think about the blades...and I'm still feeling bad, yes, but it's become just that. I feel bad. I'm not bleeding too.

Re: my choice between 2 evils
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Dec 13 22:55:07 2000 (#1888)

Sara,

Crying can be good for you. It's not destructive like cutting. All you get is a runny nose and puffy eyes. It feels pretty good to scream at the sky sometimes. Just belt it out as loud as you can. Anything that feels intense is good. I cry for about ten minutes at a time and i cry so har that my head starts to hurt, but I feel brand new when it's over.

Love, DB

Re: my choice between 2 evils
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 14 00:10:00 2000 (#1892)

I heard somewhere (??) that when we cry its a cleansing thing. I havent been able to cry in a while, and havent cut in a shorter while but wish I could do one of them. I am glad you chose the lesser of the evil... Crying isnt bad though, I can say it (but cant believe it) crying is good for you... I wish I could let out but I have learned this mechanism Of freezing my feelings... so I let myself through incisions, that doesnt always have to be an option. Hang in there, I think we all can (nodding) agree when I say "we would all like to get to the point when cutting is the last alternative" looks like you are on your way. Hugs.. Nuni

Re: my choice between 2 evils
Posted by Sara on Thu Dec 14 18:18:25 2000 (#1907)

Thanks DB and Nuni..I do hope I can beat this now. It's strange, this is really the first time I've tried...I've always wanted to stop but as far as making a goal and fighting with all my strength to stop...I've never done it. Maybe I haven't stopped until now because I just wasn't ready. But I have hope that I can do it this time..I love you.

Re: my choice between 2 evils
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 14 21:59:25 2000 (#1922)

I have faith in you Sara... I'm proud of you too... we all are (the room is standing and applauding for you...)

Re: my choice between 2 evils
Posted by Sara on Fri Dec 15 22:28:18 2000 (#1958)

Thank you so much...this is hard, and you'll never know how much it means to know I'm being supported....

Re: my choice between 2 evils
Posted by sara on Tue Dec 19 01:34:24 2000 (#2034)

i know how that feels. my evils are crying and cutting. you see, i have not cryed in who knows how long; the last time i actually remember crying was when i was like 9 and know i am 16. i have been a si for like two or so years. last time i cut, well not to long ago (like three hours ago). grrr. i am going insane. i hate myself so much and know that i am a bad person...i have felt it and been told it for so long i believe it. i can't explain, just i know that i am this evil person not meant to live who punishes herself. one of my close friends found out and made me go to the school counsler or she said that she would call and report it or something like that (i first i was mad at her, but know i owe her my life). well the school people made me go see a psychatrist becuase of other things to. but my parents don't believe it and keep telling me how big of a liar i am and all that junk. i'm sorry i just wanted somewhere to rant. i guess i do need help, but not so sure i want to recieve it. what do you guys do. i'm so sorry....sara

Melissa
Posted by Lost on Wed Dec 13 23:52:43 2000 (#1889)

well melissa is ok. I talked to her for 2 seconds right now but she had to go... she seemed like she was doing ALRIGHT. but i think she'll post again soon. just letting u guys know. ok bye

Re: Melissa
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 14 00:11:19 2000 (#1893)

Thanks for the update :)

WELL HERE I AM???
Posted by MELISSA on Thu Dec 14 03:30:35 2000 (#1894)

NOBODY MISSED ME. NO ONE EVEN CARES HUH? WHY ARE PEOPLE ANGRY? WHY ARNT THEY SCARED INSTEAD? IM KIND OF SCARED OF MY OWN ACTIONS LATELY. IM AFRAID OF BEING CAUGHT, THATS ALL. AND I WAS, AGAIN. I WANT TO DIE, IT IS FAIR YOU KNOW? WHAT ISNT FAIR IS PEOPLE BEING ANGRY AT ME FOR IT. I HATE HOSPITALS, GOING THERE WASNT FAIR. BEING SAVED WASNT FAIR, I DIDNT ASK TO BE SAVED. WHY AM I SO NEGATIVE? I DIDNT ASK TO BE THIS WAY, SOMETIMES PEOPLE REALLY CANT CHANGE, REALLY, YOU KNOW IM RIGHT DONT YOU? BUT ... NO ONE MISSED ME, NO ONE CARES.MAYBE THEY THOUGHT ABOUT ME ONCE IN AWHILE, ITS OKAY, BE HONEST. ITS EASIER THAT WAY, EASIER TO GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT WITH NO WORRIES. YOU HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS ON YOUR OWN RIGHT? I UNDERSTAND, IM NOT UPSET REALLY, IM NOT.

AM I BEING RUDE/MEAN/ DO I SOUND ANGRY? IM NOT. MUHA XOXO ALWAYS, MELISSA

Re: WELL HERE I AM???
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 14 03:57:00 2000 (#1895)

We are glad you are back. I missed you, and MUAH to you, come see us in Cananda. We saved you a seat!! XOXOX I am really glad you are back!! Nuni

Re: WELL HERE I AM???
Posted by laura rose on Thu Dec 14 04:45:29 2000 (#1896)

Yes, you were missed, no we arent angry... If you want to go - that's your business and we have no right to take that from you.

~laura (I had that same feeling when I slit my throat)

Re: WELL HERE I AM???
Posted by LOST on Thu Dec 14 05:20:31 2000 (#1897)

You know what melissa? you wrote this: NO ONE MISSED ME, NO ONE CARES.MAYBE THEY THOUGHT ABOUT ME ONCE IN AWHILE, ITS OKAY, BE HONEST.

You know what???????? don't u EVER EVER EVER fuckn assume that!!!!!! NO I didn't sit for hours online and WAIT for u to come online because I was scared for u. NO I DIDN'T sit there and harrass ur parents EVERYTIME they came online JUST TO FIND OUT HOW U WERE DOING (even tho i only got answered maybe 2 times)!!! NO I didn't CRY when I found out that u had tried to kill urself! NO I didn't WANT to be there for you melissa! NO none of that happened. REALLY, IT DIDN'T! HOW CAN U EVEN ASSUME THAT I DIDN'T CARE! THAT I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT U MELISSA!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT! U KNOW UR MY GIRL YO, AND JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T BE THERE TO SIT RIGHT NEXT TO U OR GO SEE U IN THE HOSPITAL, DOES NOT MEAN I DON'T FUCKN CRY OVER U OR WORRY ABOUT U! U KNOW I'VE BEEN THERE TO LISTEN TO U. U KNOW I'VE SAT THERE AND TRIED TO MAKE U LAUGH AND BE HAPPY. YOU KNOW THESE THINGS MELISSA SO HOW CAN U SAY THAT I DIDN'T CARE THAT U TRIED TO KILL URSELF MELISSA!!!!! HOW CAN U SAY THAT???? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I AM HURT BY THAT. I OPEN MYSELF UP TO *CARE* ABOUT U AND U JUST ACT LIKE MY FEELINGS FOR U ARE NON-EXISTENT! THANK U MELISSA FOR THINKING THAT WAY OF ME. THANK U. but thats ok bcuz I guess u didn't waste ur time looking back up through the posts and kinda NOTICING that I posted ABOUT u plenty of times. but thats ok, cuz I DON'T CARE ABOUT U RIGHT? RIGHT?????

Man girl, I ain't even mad at ya tho. U know ur still my girl. and u KNOW that we REALLY REALLY REALLY need to talK!!!!! PLEASE girl.... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just talk to me!!!! Let me know what is going on in that head of yours.... u KNOW I care!! U KNOW IT!!!! I LOVE U GIRL... and I'm not one to use that "L" word very often so YOU BETTER FEEL SPECIAL!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) *I'm not angry, I'm just hurt that u think I don't care*

Re: WELL HERE I AM???
Posted by blue rose on Thu Dec 14 08:43:23 2000 (#1898)

It is absolutely impossible for you to understand that people care about you. I don't want to make you feel bad, but I am really insulted by your post. Lost pretty much covered it in her post; sitting at the puter for hours waiting for you to get online, bugging your parents, crying when they wouldn't tell me if you were dead or alive. Now, I'm pretty selfish, I usually only cry and hurt for myself. I'm not really ashamed to admit that either. But, I hurt for you, I cried for you. I care about you. I don't know if I'm telling you what you need to hear or not, but, yeah, scroll up a bit, we care.

Re: WELL HERE I AM???
Posted by Fran on Thu Dec 14 13:52:20 2000 (#1904)

Melissa , I was reading all the messages before posting mine and so many people were worried about you. There are times when I want to slit my wrists and bleed to death in my bath. Let all the pain fade away ..fade away with the blood. You're right about being saved. I feel like the only power I have is to end it all and the people around me are trying to take it away. But when I want to die I remember the times when I had reasons to survive and although I don't remember what they are I hold on...hold on too. There are reasons out there

Re: WELL HERE I AM???
Posted by laura rose on Thu Dec 14 21:55:24 2000 (#1919)

*clears throat* as did DB, Nuni and myself. nuff said

~laura

Re: WELL HERE I AM???
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Dec 14 23:37:21 2000 (#1923)

Y'know, Melissa, we never got angry at you. Maybe other people did, but we didn't. If you read the other posts from when you were gone, you'll see all kinds of posts from us wondering how you were doing and if you were okay or not. Lost would post a message if she heard anything about you so we would know, too. I know for a fact that Laura tried to e-mail you, but the address showed up invalid. We tried to get a message to you but couldn't. We love you the same as we love all the others here and if you can't feel that, I'm sorry. Maybe we didn't try hard enough. And yes, we're scared. One of us gets scared every damn day and wonders if we'll be okay someday. Maybe we will and maybe we won't, but I'm not giving up yet. I don't want anyone to give up. I'm sorry you feel like we don't care.

Love, DB

I'm sorry
Posted by Fran on Thu Dec 14 11:38:01 2000 (#1902)

I'm sorry I keep posting messages but how long does it take to get to know everyone? how many people do you have on your board? How does it work? Well I will stop placing loads of random messages

don't be sorry....
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 14 15:59:11 2000 (#1905)

I am relatively new here too, and I know that everyone here cares about me... It is rather like a family, and I am glad you decided to join us, Fran... Don't worry about posting messages or getting to know everyone... it all takes time... Feel free to e-mail me... ~hugs~ :)

Re: don't be sorry....
Posted by blue rose on Thu Dec 14 18:03:02 2000 (#1906)

...yeah, definetely don't be sorry. Keep posting random messages if it makes you feel better. As for getting to know people, I've been coming here for almost 8 months and I barely know anyone. It may be different for you. I used to know everyone quite well and we formed close friendships, but most of them don't post anymore. So, even though I've been here longer, I'm in the same boat as you trying to meet new people.

Stay safe.

Re: don't be sorry....
Posted by laura rose on Thu Dec 14 21:59:24 2000 (#1921)

And as far as random posts go.... *raises hand* um... I do that a lot... so it's ok.. heehee... A lot of times, I don't even talk about SI... I'm usually going off about a Sarah McLachlan song I love (looks at Lost)... or something like that. So, don't feel bad, cause if you do, then that means that I should.. and I'm tired of feeling bad.

thpppth ~laura

Re: I'm sorry
Posted by Linda on Fri Dec 15 00:12:06 2000 (#1925)

Oh Franny don't be sorry at all.....I have been on here since March of this year(2000) and I'm only an observer. I came to try to understand self-injury. Everyone has accepted me. I ususally try to post things of spiritual significance but it is never meant in a judgmental way nor unloving. So welcome aboard!!

I Need a Friend.......
Posted by Tara on Thu Dec 14 21:01:19 2000 (#1908)

Hi, my name is Tara and this is my first time posting here, i hope i make some friends, because that is what i really need now. All my friends have abandoned me, be cause of me so-call craziness. I'm sick of being called crazy, I just want someone to understand me. i still have not told my mom that i cut, she thinks that we have the perfect family, and I'm the perfect daughter, BUT WE'RE NOT!!! far from it. I want to tell her, but i'm to scared of her reaction. Well i guess i'll let y'all go about your business, but i hope you'll keep me in mind.

Special "T"

Re: I Need a Friend.......
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 14 21:25:15 2000 (#1909)

Well, you came to the right place for friends. We'll take care of you! :) Welcome to the board... I promise none of us will call you crazy... I am 21 and have been cutting for 9 years... You are not alone (and just between me and you there is NO such thing as a perfect family....) :) :)

Re: I Need a Friend.......
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 14 21:25:40 2000 (#1910)

Hi Special T, Welcome...you are not crazy, and I can assure you that here you can make friends. Here you wont feel so alone. I cut, and it is a part of my life, for a long time.. You are not alone!! Nuni

Re: I Need a Friend.......
Posted by blue rose on Thu Dec 14 21:27:43 2000 (#1911)

Well, you've come to the right place for friendship. Everyone here is great.

About telling your mom, I wish I had some advise for you, but I've been doing this for over 5 years and my mother still has no clue. I haven't decided if it's better that way or not. Anyhoo, welcome.

If you ever need anything you can email me or else my aim screen name is rose aik.

stay safe

Re: I Need a Friend.......
Posted by laura rose on Thu Dec 14 21:53:47 2000 (#1918)

Tara... I'm glad you decided to post here. As the others have mentioned, you are sooooo not alone. This place is a wonderful support system. You can say anything, and be related to. I'm sorry you aren't able to tell your mom. I can understand the perfect family thing... but just so you know... they are all fucked up. Especially the most perfect looking ones. It's the families that are known as messed up that are perhaps the healthiest families of them all. They express feelings and are not afraid to fight openly... just my opinion though... Can I ask where you are from? All of us are rather spread out.. so I just was curious. Take care.

~laura

Re: I Need a Friend.......
Posted by Tara on Thu Dec 14 23:57:47 2000 (#1924)

Well, I'm 16, and live in TX.I don't consider myself to be smart, but others would. I've been cutting since i was 13, but it was off and on. This year, is when i began to cut daily. My family is so.... there are no words for them, they criticize people, make fun, are way to hard on me about my grades. There is just so much pressure. I wish i could say i was the perfect child, but i'm not, I'm a freakin loser, but they don't get it!! they don't listen!! NE Ways, I'm glad I found a place where people accept me. Hopefully, I'll get to know you all. Thanxs for the welcome ! :)

Special "T"

Re: I Need a Friend.......
Posted by Linda on Fri Dec 15 00:13:44 2000 (#1926)

Hi Tara. I am originally from Texas! I'm just a mom trying to provide support when needed. Glad to see you here.

Re: I Need a Friend.......
Posted by Tara on Fri Dec 15 03:07:05 2000 (#1932)

Linda, what part of TX? It's nice down here, even though it gets extremely hot, it's nice once you get use to it. Your a mom? Do you cut too? well i gotta go talk later!

D.I.E

Special "T"

Re: I Need a Friend.......
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 15 05:37:01 2000 (#1934)

Hi Special T, I live in San Diego CA, but I am from El PAso TX, ky husband is from SAn Antonio. We are going to San Antonio for the holidays... glad you are still posting

Re: I Need a Friend.......
Posted by Linda on Fri Dec 15 06:57:09 2000 (#1935)

I was born in Fort Worth. I have also lived in Port Arthur, down on the Gulf Coast and Henderson, which is in the north east...near Tyler. I am a 55 year old mom and I do not cut. I came here to get a little insight because I was confronted with a family friend who did this and I needed some understanding.

Re: I Need a Friend.......
Posted by Tara on Fri Dec 15 21:13:37 2000 (#1955)

To Linda: Your close to home. Oh, ok Nuni: Thanks for noticing

funny funny
Posted by blue rose on Thu Dec 14 21:30:30 2000 (#1912)

We all posted at the same time and said the same stuff. Hee hee. You guys are so cool.

Anyway, I have a disclaimer. For those of you who IM me and I don't answer it's not becuase I don't want to talk to you, it's because I'm not there. I leave my IM on all day but I'm ususally not at my puter all day. So, sorry if I don't answer.

stay safe

Re: funny funny
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 14 21:34:22 2000 (#1915)

I thought that was weird too.... oh, and the same goes for me... my AIM comes up when my computer is on, and I'm at work during the day, so if I don't answer it's because I can't, not because I don't want to... ~hugs to all~

Re: funny funny
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 14 21:37:11 2000 (#1916)

Sooo true, same for me. How cool was that. Girls Rule!!

Re: funny funny again...
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 15 19:03:32 2000 (#1950)

Uhm hey i just noticed that u guys did it again with this post... u were all like within minutes of eachother.. sorry not my business I'll shut up

A little nervous...
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 14 21:32:12 2000 (#1913)

I just met a nice guy who I would like to get to know... I'm not looking for a b/friend or anything, just a friend... but I'm still having trouble being around guys... It's really hard for me... Am I being dumb? I don't think he'll try to hurt me... but at the same time I'm scared of him. On the other hand, he really seems like he'd be a great friend and he's a perfect listener... I keep talking myself in circles over this!!! Help?!?...

Re: A little nervous...
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 14 21:39:49 2000 (#1917)

Its natural to feel that way when you first meet someone. Fresh slate, new start. you are not being DUMB!! what is it that scares you about him? You know you dont want to be his g/friend. Play it cool, it should turn out ok.. Be safe, hugs Nuni

Re: A little nervous...
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 14 21:55:34 2000 (#1920)

I guess it's that he seems too good to be true... kinda like other guys that I have dated who have ended up being grabby, horney freaks.... but you're right, I don't want to date him, and that means I shouldn't be put in potentially dangerous situations with him... (sigh) I think that I've just been burned too many times and I'm getting way over cautious... Not all guys are walking penises (no offense meant to anyone....)

SORRY
Posted by MELISSA on Fri Dec 15 00:25:17 2000 (#1927)

IM SORRY! im really sorry to lost and blue rose. and i apolagize for being so sad and upset. i had a really hard time and i was angry at the world. and now from what you've said, im angry at myself. please forgive me.

melissa

p.s i guess i was confused hurt upset angry whatever ... looking for an excuse ... well again im very very sorry that i hurt any of you, thank you for caring, goog bye...

Re: SORRY
Posted by laura rose on Fri Dec 15 00:33:32 2000 (#1928)

Melissa... I don't think their point was to make you mad at yourself. I think it was to let you know how much this affected them. We all care about you...perhaps they know you better, but we were all worried and we all asked about you. I would be pissed at the world if I was you too... I mean, what has the world ever done for you? But as mad as you are.... you are cared about and loved. I don't think anyone here is mad at you. We are mad at whoever in your life made you feel this way. I'm glad you are okay, and one day, I hope that you are too.

*hugs* ~laura

Re: SORRY
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 15 01:38:11 2000 (#1929)

Its like this girl, I ain't mad at ya- Got nothin but love for ya!! :) you know this! But on the reals though don't even trip off of what u said before. I know how it is to be real upset and just screaming out shit that doesn't really make sense or that u don't really mean. I know where ur at... I've been there before... and shit, I'm almost there AGAIN. So u know, maybe we can help eachother through this drama... cuz i KNOW we can do it... and so do u. u just need the right people to help u. You know that I'm right here waiting... now its up to u to reach out for me.... I hope ur hand goes out soon girl! luv ya

Re: SORRY
Posted by blue rose on Fri Dec 15 01:46:04 2000 (#1930)

I dont' know what to say.

I wish I could give you a hug.

Just know that I care.

stay safe, my friend

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Posted by Selene on Fri Dec 15 05:32:10 2000 (#1933)

Oh my god!! why are poeple so freakin retarted? I went to a hospital. Yep, I spent a wonderful 7 days on the phsyciatric ward at the hospital. I told the poeple there that I wasnt suicidal so they would let me go home, and I wasnt, but now I wonder if I was lying to just them or me to. How will I ever know? I didnt get to cut for 7 days plus I tried my hardest not to for 4 more days. Then I lost it.Is it to much to ask to just be normal? They told me I was crazy cuz I wanted to die. Am I? How do I know when I am not insane? Or will I be insane forever? Or am I not insane?! Im so damn confused with myself I dont even know what to do!What do I do?!!!??

Always & forever

Selene

Re: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Posted by Michael on Fri Dec 15 11:04:02 2000 (#1939)

I don't think anybody is sane...If everybody is different, then each group is going to think the other groups are weird, or possibly insane. If you don't know what to do, don't do anything. Keep safe untill you can gather yourself, and don't listen to the doctors, nobody has the right to call anyone else crazy because of their personal preferences. Sorry if this hasn't been helpfull, i doubt it will have been. Michael

Re: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Posted by Fran on Fri Dec 15 15:24:08 2000 (#1944)

The system is fucked up you have to PRETEND to be better to survive it, for people to talk to you as a normal human being . This is counterproductive for the more you try to be normal the more you have to keep everything inside...and you cut yourself becauses there is no where to vent how you feel .By having to pretend you're better the cycle is perpetuated, the problem is never solved. If i've learnt anything from all of this it's that being able to be honest is so important but not often practical!

thinking about it
Posted by Christine on Fri Dec 15 07:57:20 2000 (#1937)

I'm thinking of going to a group or hospital seeing as I cant stop cutting.I went for quite a while w/out cutting and then what do I go and do for no reason.I feel like I cant connect you all say you cant cry and if you do you dont cut.I rarelly cry but when I do I also cut.In a couple weeks I'm quiting my job,I think I'll take a break,get some help,then get my new job.the last time I got help I went a year and then some w/out cutting.I'm hoping it will work this time.

Re: thinking about it
Posted by Marie on Fri Dec 15 14:36:49 2000 (#1941)

I think you should go for it... getting help is a tough decision and you are brave for doing it.. I wish you success, and if you find the answer let us know.... we could all use the help...

Re: thinking about it
Posted by amy on Wed Dec 20 03:15:47 2000 (#2070)

I think it's great you have the courage to get help. That's something I don't have. I'd be really freaked out... i'd actually probably scare myself into doing anything again. Good luck... i hope it work for you if you decide to get help! Amy

Christmas - GRRR!!!!!!!
Posted by laura rose on Fri Dec 15 08:12:40 2000 (#1938)

GRRRR!!!!!!! I hate this time of year. Mainly because of money. See... as most of you know, I have a 2 and 1/2 y/o son. *sigh*... Josh's work has been really slow, and what little $ we had, is gone now. I'm soooo stressed out right now. I have no rent $, my phone and power are about to be shut off, not to mention that I owe on other bills... and the worst part? I can't afford to buy Cameron anything for X-mas... grrrr.... being a parent really sucks sometimes. So... what happens? I blame myself and end up cutting at night.. when Cameron is sleeping. GRRR!!!! I'm sorry for this rant, i'm just sooooo stressed right now.. and am not in a good state of mind.

~laura

Re: Christmas - GRRR!!!!!!!
Posted by Michael on Fri Dec 15 11:11:07 2000 (#1940)

I was going to rant myself, but i don't think it would be fitting now...I have no advice, i'm crap at advice, but i can give sympathy...that may be little use as well. I haven't known anyone here long, but what suprised me was that everybody posts 'happy' (if you know what i mean) messages. I thought it would be different, and i think it's great. Idont know what else to say, apart from this school's keyboards are awfull.. Michael

Re: Christmas - GRRR!!!!!!!
Posted by Marie on Fri Dec 15 14:41:55 2000 (#1942)

I'm sorry to hear of your $ troubles... I hate Christmas for just that reason... If there's anything I can do to help just e-mail me... I'll do anything I can... I don't have anyone to buy for this time of year (my family is non-traditional and we don't celebrate Christmas) so I would love to be able to help you guys out...

Re: Christmas - GRRR!!!!!!!
Posted by Linda on Fri Dec 15 18:48:42 2000 (#1948)

(((((((((((((((((((((((Laura)) ))))))))))))))))))Please don't let the world dictate to you the fact that you HAVE to do something for Cameron in order to show that you love him on Christmas day. Do something to teach him the real meaning of Christmas. It's Jesus' birthday so play games with him. Wrap up little notes that say "I love you, Jesus". Bake a little cupcake and decorate it for Jesus' birthday. Make him understand that the love he has from you is your gift and that the best gift was Jesus, who came to give us everlasting life! How many kids on this website would have so enjoyed just having reassurance and kind attention from their parents just one day a year! Wish I could do something monetary for you but we are struggling too. I will most certainly pray for you. There are so many in your same situation! Remember, Cameron is so young, you can influence him to understand that getting a lot of gifts isn't really what is important. You have the privilege of teaching some really good lessons at this time. Don't miss the golden opportunity! Love you!

Re: Christmas - GRRR!!!!!!!
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 15 19:01:25 2000 (#1949)

I think what linda said is good... but I'm not sure if u even believe in jesus or whatever... but if u DON'T i think its still a good idea to just play with him and paint and just have fun. I would rather be shown love on christmas than get any presents... :) But I can understand the way u feel. But I promise that Cameron won't hold it against u :) he looooovvveessss his mommy! Please, stay safe girl :)

Re: Christmas - GRRR!!!!!!!
Posted by laura rose on Fri Dec 15 20:31:47 2000 (#1953)

Yes, I know about the whole Jesus thing, and yes, I do believe in God (see past rants about being rather angry at him). What little X-mas $ I had for cameron, Josh took it.. and blew it on pot. Lovely, eh? Any way... it's not even really about being able to buy Cameron presents or not. Although I would like to be able to have something under the tree... who knows if we will even be here? That was the main part of it. haha... i've never been this broke before. And perhaps it is easier for others to say "oh, it'll all be ok" because YOUR heat works, YOUR phone works, YOU don't have collection agencies harassing you for their money. Maybe your parents pay the bills. Well, lemme tell you it SUCKS!!!! I've lived on my own for 8 years now. GRRR!!! Why the hell am I telling you guys this? Sheesh... any way... the point was that it's not as simple as you may think it is.. that's all.

~laura (um... I just re-read this.. and I'm not trying to get anything from anyone, just so that's clear, okay? Don't feel sorry for me or anything, I did it all to myself.)

Re: Christmas - GRRR!!!!!!!
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 15 21:03:20 2000 (#1954)

Laura I guess ur right about me not knowing what its like bcuz yeah, I still live with my parents. BUT I can at least feel for your situation and I honestly don't know HOW you are making it through because your sitation is one of my biggest fears. I don't think I'll be alive long after my 18th birthday bcuz I'll be in your situation and personally I WOULDN'T be able to be as strong as u are about it. You've told me some of the things that you've survived through and so i KNOW that you can make it through this. And honestly, just to let you know... everything that *I'VE* been through, you've been through to a worse degree so in a way I look up to you bcuz if I know that you've gotten through the things that I'm going through or have been through, then MAYBE I can actually get through them too, ya know? but anyway, again, i know that i don't know what you're going through but I STILL hope that you can make it through this cuz you give us all hope and you should hold on to your baby boy that you love so dearly! :)

paroxetine and scars
Posted by Franny on Fri Dec 15 15:31:03 2000 (#1945)

My psychiatrist has just put me on the antideppressant paroxetine(Serotax) does anyone else have experience of this?. I have scars all the way up my arms and I can't cover up by saying they are burns anymore, is there anyway of making them fade IE: creams?.

Re: paroxetine and scars
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Dec 15 18:31:40 2000 (#1947)

Hi, I take paroxetine, too, but it's brand name is Paxil. Where do you live? I know Michael takes it and he called it Serotax, too. Wonder why it has two different names? Anyway, I take it because I used to have these killer panic attacks and it really helps me. As for the scars, wouldn't it be great if they made a vanishing cream for them? I don't know how to get them to go away except waiting it out. Laura found a huge list of links on the net for self-injury. This is the address: http://gurlpages.com/grrrlyzin e/cut.html This site has some FAQ's on it that deal with first aid. http://www.ratatosk.net/psyke/ faqs/selfinjury.html That's the link for that, or you can go to the top of the page and click on the site map. Vitamin E oil is good for newer scars because it keeps the tissue soft, so got some vitamin E capsules and pop them open to get the oil out. Does anyone else know how to minimize scars? I hope some of this helps!

Love, DB

Re: paroxetine and scars
Posted by blue rose on Fri Dec 15 19:29:23 2000 (#1951)

At night I used to put a whole bunch of vit. E on my arms then put saran wrap around it so it wouldn't rub off. It took awhile but my scars are really faded now, you can barely see them.

stay safe

Re: paroxetine and scars
Posted by Michael on Fri Dec 15 19:51:42 2000 (#1952)

hiya. In june this year i was put on paroxetine hcl, because of my cutting and depression. I think it's horrible stuff. I don't want to scare you if you've just started it, sorry. Before i was very emotive, normally negatively. But after a few weeks of taking it i started to become numb, things didn't affect me as much, i was just kind of blank. I was still sad a lot, but not madly depressed like i was before. Saying that, i occasionally have extremes of emotion - the past few days i've not stopped crying, and i've cut a lot. I feel like i've calmed down now, but i still feel like i *want* to be depressed. I can't explain that (it's not like i wear it like a label or anything). What dosage are you on? Also, it's not a good idea to stop taking them suddenly...it messes me up. I'd be interested to know if you get any noticeable side effects too...email me if you want

Re: paroxetine and scars
Posted by Dr. Christine on Sat Dec 16 08:47:50 2000 (#1965)

on new cuts put neosporin on them they heal faster and dont scar up as bad.When the wound has healed put on coco butter and vitamin e creams or oil.There is this really good vit.e cream at GNC its only $1.37 for a little jar it works on blemishes to.If you get coco butter get palmers it smells like chocolate.It really worked my scars are white and arent that noticable besides the fact that there are a billion new cuts crossing over them.

Side effects
Posted by Fran on Mon Dec 18 10:27:38 2000 (#2011)

Thanks for everyones advice. Answering your question Micheal I've been put on 20mg a day and my psychiatrist said he may possibly raise this to 50mg to treat my Bulimia.

Side effects continued
Posted by fran on Mon Dec 18 11:27:22 2000 (#2014)

The whole subject of my last post and I forgot to put it in! I have so much on my mind at the moment, I am a complete zombie . Answering you're other question Micheal about Side effects I have a dry mouth and drowsiness but no sickness which is the most common SE apparentely.

Re: paroxetine and scars
Posted by Maggie on Mon Dec 18 09:30:59 2000 (#2010)

Just thought I'd add that it helps to leave the scars exposed to the air too. When no one is around I take off my socks and let the scars breath. And then I put Vitamin E oil on at night. Apparently things heal faster if they aren't covered up all the time.

First Meeting!!!
Posted by Marie on Fri Dec 15 21:19:21 2000 (#1956)

Hey guys! I just got back from my first meeting with my counselor (actually he's a behavior therapist...) and I was so nervous at first, but he made me feel so comfortable (quite a feat for a man!) and I really do think this will work... I want to stop so badly and I am actually starting to believe that I CAN!!! :) (stands in her chair and smiles and cheers and LAUGHS) Okay, I'm sitting back down now... I'm getting addicted to 'canada' I think... I love to go there and 'see' all of you and know that we are all caring for each other... It's such a scarey step... getting help... I hope it is worth it (I really do think it is) ~hugs to the room~

Re: First Meeting!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Dec 15 21:35:40 2000 (#1957)

Yippee!!!! *applauds* Baby, be addicted to Canada if you want! It's a good place to be!

Love, DB

Re: First Meeting!!!
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 16 01:27:14 2000 (#1962)

Well, you know Canada is the place to be these days. I go there often. You guys are great. Hugs to all!! Nuni

Christmas Story
Posted by A Friend on Fri Dec 15 22:30:25 2000 (#1959)

In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket. Their father was gone. The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared. Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds. He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries. Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food either. If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.

I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress. I loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job. The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town. No luck.

The kids stayed, crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince whomever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job. Still no luck.

The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck stop. It was called the Big Wheel. An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids. She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning. She paid 65 cents an hour and I could start that night.

I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for people. I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night. She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep. This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal.

That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.

When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money-fully half of what I averaged every night. As the weeks went by, heating bills added another strain to my meager wage.

The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home.

One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires! There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires. Had angels taken up residence in Indiana? I wondered.

I made a deal with the owner of the local service station. In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.

I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough.Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids. I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning. Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair.

On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. These were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe. A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine. The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.

When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on Christmas morning hurried to the car. I was hoping the kids wouldn't wake up before I managed to get home and get the presents from the basement and place them under the tree. (We had cut down a small cedar tree by the side of the road down by the dump.)

It was still dark and I couldn't see much, but there appeared to be some dark shadows in the car-or was that just a trick of the night? Something certainly looked different, but it was hard to tell what. When I reached the car I peered warily into one of the side windows. Then my jaw dropped in amazement. My old battered Chevy was filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes. I quickly opened the driver's side door, scrambled inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat. Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box. Inside was a whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10! I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans. Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes: There were candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes. There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was a whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items. And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.

As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude. And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning.

Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop.

God Bless You And Merry Christmas

Re: Christmas Story
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 15 22:43:17 2000 (#1961)

That was a pretty story... I just wish that things like that happened more often... :) thank u for sharing-- whoever u are....

my friend!
Posted by LOST on Fri Dec 15 22:36:57 2000 (#1960)

You guys HELP ME. What do I do.... how do I stop this. My friend wants to die. I can't stop her! I don't want her to die. i've been crying for like the past hour. I feel so hopeless about this. I can't be there with her... and I don't know what to say to her. I can't bear to lose her. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She can't die. she CAN'T. I told her I love her... but its not enough and I know it. I try to talk to her about it but she doesn't want to, so I cover the saddness up with jokes and laughing. I don't want to have to REMEMBER her. I don't want to have to REMEMBER the conversations we've had. I want to be able to MAKE NEW ONES with her. I've never felt this kind of pain about another person b4. Of course I always feel like this about my own life-- helpless and stuff. But man I never get like this over other people. And if she dies I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I guess I won't do ANYTHING when she dies cuz I'm not doing ANYTHING NOW because I'm a piece of shit that can't HELP MY FRIEND who is going to DIE!!! Someone PLEASE help me... help me make her better. PLEASE.

Re: my friend!
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Dec 16 05:18:21 2000 (#1963)

Yup... yup Love... I wish there was somethign icould say to make everythign just dissappear for ya... cause I would say it a thousand times. I know what it's like to not be able to help a friend. And really the only thing you can do is just be there for them... listen to them... hug them... kiss them... that sort of thing.And if things really are seriously bad.. liek you're watching her put the gun to her head (or what have you) then perhaps that's when you need to tell someone. Granted, she may 'hate' you for telling... but really that hate is the strongest love there is because you saved her life... and no one truly WANTS to die. I'm sure everyone would prefer living if things had a chance of getting better... ya know?

Re: my friend!
Posted by Marie on Sat Dec 16 06:47:20 2000 (#1964)

Oh, Lost... I'm so sorry... Baleigh's right, all you can really do is listen and if she gets to the point when you know she's about to die, call someone... she needs help and it's unfair for you to assume that responsibility... sometimes we just can't help the people we love... it's so unfair, but there's nothing we can do about it... when it gets right down to it we are only human... and we fall pittifully short of perfection. Please get help for your friend... the ends will justify the means, I promise.. even if she's mad at you she'll be alive to yell at you about it... Big hugs to you for being so caring, and I hope things turn out alright... keep us updated adn let us know o.k.?

Re: my friend!
Posted by MELISSA on Sun Dec 17 02:12:25 2000 (#1984)

I LOVE YOU GIRL. IT WILL BE OKAY. IM TRYING. IM HANGING IN THERE. IM DOING IT FOR YOU BABE.

ALWAYS MELISSA

Sadness
Posted by Christine on Sat Dec 16 09:07:47 2000 (#1966)

My grandma is leaving tomarrow I already miss her.I dont mean this in a bad way but I wish she hadent come and then I wouldn't miss her so much.I love her she is the most wonderful person alive she is like my best friend.I miss her right now shes 4 feet away sleeping on the couch.I have to wake up early to go to work and I have to wake her up shes gonna drive w/ me to work.I just dont want to let go of her.I lost one love now I'm going to lose her.I'm not losing her but in a sence I am because shes gonna be so far away all I wanna do is wallo in my self-pity.God why is there fucking emotion?The world would work better w/ out it.Love is what will kill me in the end.

Re: Sadness
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 16 11:28:27 2000 (#1967)

i know what you mean. embrace what you have, cherish it. its sad, contain the good feelings and embrace them when you feel the most alone. your grama must be so wonderful that must express what could still be precious in this realm we exist in.... i love you sweetheart, and being a NAVY chick I dont just say that!! HUGS~~ Nuni

Re: Sadness
Posted by Christine on Sun Dec 17 05:37:25 2000 (#1989)

Well my grama left today.Last nite I stayed up late and I just watched her sleep.That mad me cry thinking about how she was leaving the next day.I ended up sleeping next to her on the floor near the couch.I had to wake up at 8:00 to go to work She woke up and she went w/ me.I thought I wasnt going to see her and I just wanted to latch onto her and never let go but I gave her a kiss and said goodbye cuz I knew I couln'd deal w/ giving her up.I was working and she came in w/ my mom and brother I made them a sandwiches.I took brake and ate w/ them I sat next to my grama I gave her kisses and hugs and I didnt want to let go.Finally she had to leave.I had to take out the garbage and I went out side and just cryed.I had to take out more garbage I was so upset I was about to puke I had to have a ciggeret.I sat in the enploye only hallway that goes to the dumpsters and just cried I cant stop crying I love her she is the equivalent of a best friend.I MISS HER SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH !!!!!

suck my scars, fill me with stars...
Posted by Beautiful and dying on Sat Dec 16 17:50:55 2000 (#1968)

hey, i haven't been here before, i usually go to stronger if anyone knows it...i think i might change to this board coz a lot of the people on there are too real these days... i'm 17/f/england. life sucks and the future is hopeless. just thought i'd introduce myself. if i can find my way back i will, but i'm as crap with computers as i am with everything else...thanks for bothering...you're too kind... stay beautiful xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: suck my scars, fill me with stars...
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Dec 16 18:42:09 2000 (#1969)

Hello! I'm balegh... 16 in Florida. Welcome to the board! I think you'll like it here cause I think we're just about the craziest bunch of people ever! But all the same... I just thought I'd say hello

Re: suck my scars, fill me with stars...
Posted by Michael on Sat Dec 16 18:42:56 2000 (#1970)

wow, more english people! hiya, i'm 17 and from manchester, where are you? I've never heard of stronger before, but it can't be as good as here...everybody is so good for each other. cya around Michael

Re: suck my scars, fill me with stars...
Posted by laura rose on Sat Dec 16 19:28:20 2000 (#1972)

*looks around*... well, I see no fake people here. We tend to be a bit on the real side too. Any way.. I hope you like this board. Everyone is pretty nice. Yeah, that's about all I have to say.

~laura

Re: suck my scars, fill me with stars...
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 16 20:18:45 2000 (#1974)

settling on my bean bag... we are so very real, always!.. welcome..

Re: suck my scars, fill me with stars...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Dec 17 01:37:51 2000 (#1981)

I hope you do find your way back here. We're real, like everyone said, but we're a bunch of goofy people, too. It's pretty upbeat at times, serious at other times. Kinda like how life goes. We have an imaginary house in Canada that we 'go to' when we feel like we can't take it anymore. Usually we just say, "Hey, I'm going up to Canada, anybody wanna go with me?" and we all sort of pretend we're there in this huge house with a room for everyone. When we get more people, more rooms magically 'appear' to accomodate them! Anyway, should you find yourself in this corner of the Net again, feel free to pick out a room! Oh, I forgot to introduce myself! Just like me to forget! I'm Lori, but everybody calls me DB, after my screen name, DeliriousButterfly. I'm 23 and I live in Tennessee. So, welcome!

Love, DB xoxo

Re: suck my scars, fill me with stars...
Posted by rachel on Sun Dec 17 20:51:17 2000 (#1999)

hey. im 14 from wales. are u a manics fan? u said stay beautiful and the whole being real thing. well, love and hugs rachel

Re: suck my scars, fill me with stars...
Posted by Fran on Mon Dec 18 10:47:23 2000 (#2012)

You're not a HOLE fan by any chance? I'm refering to the line 'beautiful and dying' you used which originates from a Hole song 'Boys on the radio'. I absolutely love the words 'When you're beautiful and dying all the world that you've denied when the water is too deep you can close your eyes and really sleep tonight... your beauty blinds' Courtney Love doesn't get enough credit she's been through hell and back and she's SURVIVED! Any way welcome aboard! Love FrannybabeXXX

Re: suck my scars, fill me with stars...
Posted by rachel on Mon Dec 18 23:43:01 2000 (#2031)

oh i totally agree with you on hole btw. i read a book on her and she has been thorugh so much shit. all her lyrics relate to her life and ure right she doesnt get enough credit for them. she was also a cutter wasnt she. plus shes beautiful. x.x.x

Re: suck my scars, fill me with stars...
Posted by laura rose on Tue Dec 19 05:08:43 2000 (#2039)

*raises hand* I'm a manic fan... =)

~laura

rain and other cold
Posted by katie on Sat Dec 16 19:02:27 2000 (#1971)

hey everyone...

it's all damp and drizzly and not quite cold enough to snow here. i have to go take a final for which i am not adequately prepared. i love everyone here at school, everyone at home, but i am more and more convinced each day that i could be neatly cut out of the picture, so to speak, and no one would notice. not that they wouldn't notice... just that it wouldn't really be a big deal. things would return to normal fairly quickly. and i think i am okay with this. it may even be what i want. i am quiet and always trying harder to dissolve into walls, to stay unseen.

it is cold outside, it is cold inside, i am very very tired. i want to go to sleep until it is warm again or until i am somewhere else or until someone bothers to wake me up.

love, katie

Re: rain and other cold
Posted by Linda on Sat Dec 16 19:54:02 2000 (#1973)

Awwwww Katie!!! Wake up!!! Life is beautiful. Just remember behind all those rain clouds.......the sun is ALWAYS shining.

Re: rain and other cold
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 16 20:24:07 2000 (#1975)

Katie, i feel much like you. Wanting to be consumed by the darkness, waiting until it is our time to disappear...i have been there a lot recently.. it isnt a bad place. Not to minimize Lindas sweet words (linda we love you here) but sometimes the dark world we roam in is our safe haven... Not speaking for katie or anyone else.. sometime its safer to keep the clouds right where they are covering the sun Nuni

Re: rain and other cold
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Dec 16 23:37:22 2000 (#1978)

WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!! LoL... sorry. Just want you to know that I would 'bother' to wake you up! Sorry... I'm in a weird mood. : P Love ya!

Re: rain and other cold
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Dec 17 01:28:38 2000 (#1980)

I hate the cold weather, too. It makes my head hurt sometimes. Something else you said, about being cut out of the picture, I get those feelings, too. I sort of feel like Jimmy Stewart in It's A Wonderful Life. Ever see that one? He started feeling the same way and then that angel showed him what life would be like if he had never been born. It turned out that his brother would have died as a child, if he hadn't been there to save him. Kinda makes you think about what everyone's life would be like if you had never been born, or just ceased to exist. So far, I can't tell that anything would be different if I hadn't been born. Go figure!

Love, DB

Re: rain and other cold
Posted by katie on Sun Dec 17 06:07:37 2000 (#1990)

hello again...

thanks... i think i'm a little better now. at any rate, i'm going to bed soon (early!!) and i'm going to sleep a lot. then i will wake up and feel much more reasonable and go to church and write my paper and so on. yes. good.

you're all so... here... it seems odd, sometimes, that i am surrounded here at school by people who care a lot about me, but i still can't talk to them. i don't want them to worry about me, and i can never make my voice work. it always betrays me and answers 'fine' when they ask how i am. my fingers are much faster and more honest.

anyway. thanks for reading what i always mean to say. ;)

love, katie

it's enough to make you cry
Posted by Sara on Sat Dec 16 20:58:02 2000 (#1976)

This comes from the heart...nothing has ever been more honest. I don't know where I go when I think sometimes, just that I feel pain inside myself...it's enough to make you cry, thinking of who you are and where you've come from. We won't be here forever, I know that, but so many times, I've wanted it to end soon...too soon. These days, I don't want to cut myself anymore, yet I still want to bleed...perhaps I'll never understand the difference between the two. I just want to die, maybe that's it---I don't want dozens of scars and lines of blood streaking my body, maybe I just want one huge gash and a river of red flowing through my city. Everyone will feel it the day I die, not because they care, but because I've conditioned them. I've come to make them think I'm helping them, that they need me...when really all I can do is try. There's nothing happening, but I try. Sometimes I even wonder what it would be like to live a 'normal' life, the life of someone who's never slit their wrists or fainted from blood loss, someone who's never hated themselves so much that they beat themselves, or made themselves throw up. I always wonder, but somehow I never wish I was those people...would I be bored? Would average things seem terrible, simply because I never had any REAL problems to compare? I always wonder...and to cry, that is a story in itself. I know people who cry everyday, it is a part of who they are, and they never felt they had to fight that. I won't allow myself to cry, most of the time, and only certain things hurt enough to penetrate the numbness I've created for myself. I can't take this anymore, I think, but at other times, I feel strong, strong enough to beat this. I guess the biggest question remains---am I ready? And within that question...can I do this on my own?

Re: it's enough to make you cry
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Dec 16 23:33:35 2000 (#1977)

Umm, wow! You've said everything I've ever wanted to perfectly. I think that you're a super strong person, you know how you actually feel and I admire that. I hope that you can beat this... I really do. And please don't ever settle for anythng but the best.... because you deserve ONLY the best.

All my love, Baleigh

Re: it's enough to make you cry
Posted by Fran on Tue Dec 19 11:24:18 2000 (#2046)

My feelings exactly...the pain is more than words can express. The hate is more than you could say. Just try to remember you are beautiful. Keep posting everyone here really really cares.

ca
Posted by Michael on Sun Dec 17 01:50:09 2000 (#1982)

hello everyone...i've had a bad night. I'm selfish, worthless, pathetic, and most of all, weak. My girlfriend says i'm weak. I'm weak for everything i've ever done. I'm weak for writing this, i'm stupid for complaining when othert people have it so much worse than me. I can't come up with any good reasons, any good arguments. I'm only interested in being elitist. I can't think! for fuck's sake, why can't i think properly! why can't i be rational, i'm fake, i'm so fucking shit...i walked in the middle of the road hoping someone would run me over...i've cut mmy arms deeply, i'm bleeding, i'm so stupid for cutting my wrists in a vain and half-hearted attempt at suicide, i'm bleeding and i want to die. She has so many good reaasons, and i can't take it. I can't take being forced into what i'm thinking. i don#t know what i'm talkign about. I feel dizzy and shaky 'cos i've not taken my paroxetine...and I CAN'T COME UP WITH ANY GOOD REASONS TO COUNTER HERS, AND SHE'S RIGHT, I AM WEAK AND PATHETIC AND I'M FOOLING MYSELF INTO THINKING I CAN MAKE THIS.

Re: ca
Posted by blue rose on Sun Dec 17 02:42:09 2000 (#1985)

You are not weak and pathetic. You have problems, just like we all do. Depression is an illness. Not the sign of a weak person. As long as you are trying to overcome this, you are not weak. No matter how many times you try and fail, you are still strong, stronger than most, for just putting up an attempt at getting over whatever is ailing you. Try not to be so negative. Easier said than done, but oh well, try anyway.

stay safe

Re: ca
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Dec 17 04:08:08 2000 (#1988)

Michael, You need to take the meds, okay? Remember how you read that it's dangerous to stop suddenly? And you're not weak and pathetic and whoever says you are is wrong! Whoever 'she' is, does she have any idea how much strength it takes to live with the cutting and the pain that causes it? People think cutters are weak, but we're stronger and everyone else is just afraid because they think we're mental or something. The scary thing for them is the thought that us 'mentals' might be stronger than they are and that leaves them shit out of luck, cause if we're the strong ones, what does that make them? Don't let them brainwash you into thinking you're weak, because it's simply not true!

Love, DB

Re: ca
Posted by Nuni on Sun Dec 17 11:00:44 2000 (#1995)

That is so true DB! We are venturing into what the one dimensionals label as freak. We label as courage and survival. Michael you are doing what you need to. treading water... its what we use!! Keep on posting, we are here for you. Nuni

ca
Posted by Michael on Sun Dec 17 01:51:08 2000 (#1983)

fuck the world
Posted by laura rose on Sun Dec 17 03:11:19 2000 (#1986)

Yeah, i said it. Sorry, but i feel that way right now. I cut myself pretty bad, but did a pretty stitch job on myself. GRRR.... I don't like me at all. Guys, something is wrong with me tonight. Not sure what it is. But I feel a lot like Michael described himself. I'm weak, pathetic and I'm disgusting. This face and these scars. My thoughts. They would make you shudder. They are fucking demented. You know that panicking irrational feeling? Yeah, that's the one. The one where you shake and rock back and forth, biting your tongue with the look of hate in your eye.... that's me. I don't get it... why now... shit... this isn't good.

~laura

also......
Posted by laura rose on Sun Dec 17 03:44:09 2000 (#1987)

*shameless plug*.. hey guys... amidst all this crap, i did manage to update my site. Check it out if you want, but you gotta sign my guestbook too... heehee or else... any way, the link is.... http://nav.to/lauravandegrift Be sure to go to DB's too. =) Hers is wonderful... okay.. that's it.. back to your regularly scheduled whatever. ~laura

Christmas Questionnare
Posted by YVONNE on Sun Dec 17 07:23:19 2000 (#1991)

Does everyone hate to: go to Wal Mart(major shopping chain) shop period be alone be around others have to think wake up deal with family not deal with family take drugs and not feel better deal with reality try to make others understand how you feel deal with people who dont understand you listen to people whine about trivial crap take a shower not take a shower leave the house not leave the house keep doing things that people do and not feel better

ps maybe im bipolar

does happiness exist, ive forgotten what it is its simply life , the same every day never changing, lonely

and i like many of you have blessings to count why cant i feel them

a husband who loves me a family who love me friends health a home heat food and satelite a car dogs a job intelligence a college degree a sense of humor a belief in God God

that should make anyone happy i feel guilty that i dont

i just want to know who feels the same

Re: Christmas Questionnare
Posted by laura rose on Sun Dec 17 08:16:45 2000 (#1992)

*raises hand and waves it frantically*... "I do, I do!!!!!!!!" You just described me... hm... methinks me and Yvonne are going to get along just fine. =) ~laura

Re: Christmas Questionnare
Posted by Nuni on Sun Dec 17 10:57:52 2000 (#1994)

Hey, Laura you know I am so there!! yes, misunderstood, maybe not, wait I cant decide, only if you wont be mad at me. Confusion, I know how you feel. I love you guys. Yvonne?? welcome! Nuni

AIM
Posted by Nuni on Sun Dec 17 10:54:59 2000 (#1993)

Hey guys, I stayed logged on to AIM tonight but wasnt available, sorry. Christine, Im still here for you sweetie!! Ok, you all know Iam TurtlesCor, I am here for you, Hugs.. Nuni

cut!!!
Posted by Nuni on Sun Dec 17 11:04:45 2000 (#1996)

I want to cut again, its been so long I am afraid. i miss the rush, I long with uncertainty of the result.. I must fight it, what can i do differently this time.. i just dont know will the cuts be deeper, longer, smaller, shallow??? fight the urge, that is the evil and darkness that consumes me.. Nuni

Re: cut!!!
Posted by Christine on Sun Dec 17 15:26:23 2000 (#1997)

Dont cut is the choice I say is best but I'd be a hipocrite.I'm not saying cut but do things to stop yourself.Go shoping,take a relacsing bath,sleep,or go out and keep yourself around people so you dont have a chance to cut.Last nite I wanted to cut but I took a long shower and then I had bought this really nice smelling lotion at Bath & Body works so I used thet and I did my hair nice and got into my most comfortable pjs.

Re: cut!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Dec 17 18:13:21 2000 (#1998)

I like to just beat the hell out of something. Pillows are good, so is your whole bed, as a matter of fact! Just get in bed and thrash around until you wear yourself out. Works for me!

Love, DB

Christmas dinner
Posted by Christine on Sun Dec 17 22:40:31 2000 (#2000)

I'm going out for a christmas dinner w/ some ppl from my work.I wanted to were this reallt nice outfit.Problem is you can see all my new cuts.This alone really makes me want to stop.What would they do if they saw all the marks? 3 of them know but they didnt tell anyone else.They are around my age and the one girl had done it a couple times but they were people that I hung out w/ when I wasnt at work.The other day I wore a nice shirt to school and people didnt even look twice at my arms. I'm not proud of my scars but I dont think I should have to hide.Last nite I wore a tank top to bed I even walked around my room.I felt like I was free and I dint care if my mom came in and saw my arms.It was like being in Canada.I sat on my bed and listened to music.On my ceiling were these really pretty flutterbyes that DB painted for me.Then i went and watched tv with nuni and lost.Befor bed Laura tucked me in and read me poetry.When I woke up all of us sat at this huge table and ate the biggest breakfast ever I didnt fell fat after eating.then I went riding on the most beautiful black horse.I had so much fun and dint feel like a weirdo with my arms.

Re: Christmas dinner
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Dec 17 23:51:12 2000 (#2001)

You should wear that outfit to the dinner. You'll look like a princess! I hope it's the most fun you've ever had! Just keep your head held high and smile a lot. Nobody will be looking for cuts if you smile! Good luck!

Love, DB

Re: Christmas dinner
Posted by laura rose on Mon Dec 18 01:43:49 2000 (#2003)

Aww... Chirstine... *huge hugs*. That was sooo sweet... I soo wish we were all in Canada together. Could you imagine? Well, obviously you can. As can I. I hope all of us can. This house.. what color is it again? I forgot. Hm.. I wanted to cut really badly, but after reading your post, I just can't. So I thank you. I didn't cut because of you. I just want to take a moment to tell all of you that you are loved by me. I know that I get really angry sometimes (okay, a lot of the time).. But never at you guys. All of you possess a beauty that just isn't attainable by the rest of the world. It's amazing, and so are all of you. *huge hugs to all of you*. And Melissa... I really do care about you, and you are in my thoughts ~ as are the rest of you too.... =)

~laura

Re: Christmas dinner
Posted by christine on Mon Dec 18 05:34:37 2000 (#2008)

Thanx :) I went shoping and I was trying on clothes and it depresing when they dont fit.I feel fat but I'm gonna go to Canada.Ok I'm there I fit all the clothes I try on and I can were those cute little shirts to go w/ them.All of us look like models!We eat and eat and eat but were so perfect.no working out no starving or purging.We are the definition of beautiful.We louge around the poolandwe were these little bathing suits.Mine is a little bikini.It is sheer burgundy w/ lepored trim.I look so wonderful in it.You all look fabulose! We sip on champain and just enjoy the day.

Perfect....
Posted by Lost on Mon Dec 18 07:02:59 2000 (#2009)

HEEEYYYY u mentioned me!! WOOOOOWEEEE.... BUT about the bikinis and stuff and looking perfect. I don't want that! i want people to think that I'm beautiful for me... all 394739473947394797465874658347 6583497 pounds of me. I don't want to be what the world thinks is PERFECT... i want THE WORLD to think that I AM PERFECT the way I am (if that makes any sense). Do u realize that if we try to be "perfect" like models or whatever... it would really be JUST to please the WORLD. we would be JUST as fake as everyone else. It would be yet ANOTHER added mask. I don't know if that makes sense. but thats how I think... but maybe I'm just a retard

Re: Perfect....
Posted by Christine on Tue Dec 19 04:27:35 2000 (#2038)

We are perfect the way we are!People want to be just like us.We are the normal ones.No dumb bitchy teens just real people.Britney Spears is out and we are in.We dont have to feel fat becuase we are thin and we dont have to have blonde hair to be pretty.I guess what I'm trying to say is people like us for who we are and they idolize us.Its like taking Bitchy Spears and replacing her with real people.People that feel and live without thinking of what others think. In CAnada we are the most beautiful ones scars and all:)

PRINCESS DI
Posted by Franny on Mon Dec 18 11:16:13 2000 (#2013)

I know exactly how you feel ...I wanted to be sssooooo beautiful and I felt so awful when I looked in the mirror. I wanted to purge the ugliness out of me with laxatives and vomiting and that was when my real eating problems started and from then on I've been alternating between periods of bulimia and Anorexia. But I irony of it all is the thinner I get the fatter I feel. When I look at the scales I know should be thin but all I see is the FAT. 'There is no power like my pretty power Not Sorry not ever FOREVER my power' -C.Love I feel like this is the only power I have .. the quest for thiness. but at the same time it reduces me to nothing because I'm so so empty. "When the glitter fades in morning turn away and you will find my EMPTY EYES" Did anyone know that Princess Diana used to frequentely cut her thighs and her chest..she had many scars, she also had bulimia , punishing herself she was a BEAUTIFUL person in so many ways and I try to remember this . Maybe I'm not all that bad. If you ever want to talk about anything but especially eating and being thin post or email me Remember Your beauty blinds....XXXXX

more on scars...
Posted by katie on Mon Dec 18 01:03:43 2000 (#2002)

so, i've heard vitamin E and cocoa butter for scars? any other suggestions?

i'm thinking i'll try one of those over christmas break this year. heh... i can be a guinea pig. everyone tell me what they think works, and i'll section off bits of my arm and try a different remedy on each one. and one part left alone for a control. ;)

okay, enough silliness! back to my paper. *joy*...

love, katie

Re: more on scars...
Posted by laura rose on Mon Dec 18 01:46:51 2000 (#2004)

Katie, You can also *take* vitamin E.... and that is good for your skin too. But I'm sure you already thought of that. I just wanted to put my .02 in.

~laura now playing ~ Dar Williams "Are You Out There"

Re: more on scars...
Posted by katie on Mon Dec 18 02:36:36 2000 (#2007)

thanks. also i like your music. ;)

dar came to my school and gave a concert last year, that was my introduction to her. isn't she great?

:)katie

melissa!!!!!----melissa!!!!!
Posted by Lost on Mon Dec 18 02:27:36 2000 (#2005)

hey hey peoples!!! has anyone heard from that gangster girl that calls herself MELISSA?? :) Cuz I've been wondering where she's been... I haven't seen her around lately. so if u guys see her tell her i said "e-mail me DAMMIT!!!!" or tell her that she needs to post up on this board cuz I miss her skanky ass!! :) sorry I'm being weird! bye guys.

ALSO ISO.......
Posted by laura rose on Mon Dec 18 02:32:38 2000 (#2006)

Also, Neal, are you out there? I'm worried about you, and would at least like to know if you are ok. Take care, hon

~laura

HELP ME!
Posted by Franny on Mon Dec 18 12:33:57 2000 (#2016)

In september I spent the night with a guy in the year above me just before he went to university. He's a 'Player' a complete womaniser and he knows how to talk. I was a bit drunk and upset on that night and I told him about cutting wrists, he did seem to have a personality beneath all that womanising and although it maybe naive I suppose I trusted him. After that I thought I could forget about it, as he was away. BUT now it's come back to haunt me , I've just been told since he's been back for Xmas he's told people that I slit my wrists. I feel terrible , he had NO RIGHT to do that . I already feel like shit. I went out last night (before I was told what he's been saying) and he was overly friendly ,gave me a hug and kiss. I'm just so shocked. HELP ME!

Re: HELP ME!
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 18 19:17:12 2000 (#2017)

Oh, honey I'm so sorry... he had no right to betray your trust like that. You shouldn't have to feel like shit for it, he should. You should confront him with what he's been spreading around and let him know what you think about what he's doing... it may not help things stop, but it'll make you feel better about yourself- I guarantee it... Take care.. ~hug~

Re: HELP ME!
Posted by Franny on Tue Dec 19 10:29:57 2000 (#2045)

I've decided to confront him face to face, I have to phone him to arrange a meeting place which is very hard-last night I kept putting it off. I'm shocked and angry but most of all I'm hurt . I'm going to tell him this and ask him WHY he's doing this to me. I can't imagine what he is going to say, can you? I can't think of anything to excuse what he's done.

sutures..
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 18 19:31:11 2000 (#2018)

Does anyone know if you can go get stitches at the health department, or of any place you can get them w/out going to the emergency room? I know the emergency room Dr. so I don't want to have to go there... I live in a small town and need an alternate route... even if it means putting the stitches in myself... I don't think my latest cut needs them, but if I keep this up I'll be needing soemone to sew me up... Also... does any one know if anbesol will work on skin as well as it does in the mouth? My two latest cuts are hurting like hell and I'd love to numb them and forget about them... It's kinda hard to concentrate at work when I'm hurting like this... Any tips are appreciated (I'm sure my boss would thank you too.... he's begun to notice that I'm not all 'here' today)

Re: sutures..paging Dr. Laura!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Dec 18 22:32:48 2000 (#2024)

Laura does her own stitches. She could tell you how to do it, but she said it hurt like crazy. I don't know about the anbesol, but I've heard that you can use it when you tweeze your eyebrows to numb the pain. But then, eyebrows aren't the same as open cuts. Wait a minute, if it's safe for your mouth, why not a cut? When in doubt, read the label to see if there are any warnings about using it on broken skin. I doubt it, but you can never be too careful.

Love, DB

thanks DB
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 18 22:46:23 2000 (#2025)

I'll read and learn...

Re: thanks DB
Posted by laura rose on Mon Dec 18 23:01:59 2000 (#2027)

Marie, Ok, first of all, do NOT use anbesol, that would sting sooo bad, and may even infect your cut. Secondly, I use an ice cube... it does dull some of the pain, but if you are doing your own sutures, it's gonna hurt like a bitch, regardless. I use a needle... a regular needle and dental floss... yeah, it's thick.. but it seems to work for me.. thread is a bitch to pull out.. and dental floss can be too, but it seems to work.. Any way... I highly suggest not doing them yourself, if you can avoid it. They easily get infected.. and you have to take them out yourself too. hehe.. yeah.. any way... I hope that helped...

~laura

Re: sutures..
Posted by blue rose on Mon Dec 18 23:19:48 2000 (#2030)

You guys, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but doing your own stiches is really not smart. Not only could you get a nasty infection, the scars you will have will be so much worse than without the homemade stitches. Doctors know how to make stitches small so the scar won't be as bad. They also use proper thread, dental floss is *dangerous* to leave in your skin because of the wax and flavoring stuff they put on it, and anything else you use wouldn't be clean. Maybe you should try butterfly bandages, I think those work pretty well. Please be careful, or else you'll end up with more trouble than you planned on.

STAY SAFE!!!!!!

Re: sutures..
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 19 03:30:04 2000 (#2037)

Don't worry... I'll look into it really well before I try it... thank all of you for the information... And the Dental floss sounds good if the right kind is used.... I have an MD who is also a friend, I'll ask him about a pain killer or topical numbing agent... Thanks again :)

anybody have a idea?
Posted by Ang on Mon Dec 18 20:47:12 2000 (#2019)

why this is happining to me why am idoing this to my slf my family?

Re: anybody have a idea?
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Dec 18 22:28:56 2000 (#2023)

Oh honey, I'm sorry that you feel so bad. We do it for all kinds of reasons. Some of us have been abused, others use it for control issues (my excuse). You know, it's not like you wanted to hurt yourself. It's not your fault, okay? If it were a crime, the whole bunch of us would be in jail! You are more than welcome to come here and share your thoughts with us. We try to give advice, but sometimes it feels like the blind leading the blind. I think everyone here gives good advice, though. Maybe we can all figure out why we do this someday. Until that day comes, we'll still be here to support each other.

Love, DB

Re: anybody have a idea?
Posted by Marie on Mon Dec 18 22:51:32 2000 (#2026)

I've asked myself that same question a million times... but I have realized that it's very unfair for us to blame ourselves... especially when most of us have spent our lives being blamed for way too much anyway... We all care.. and we try to take care of each other.. Feel free to share, we may not have the answers, but at least we're familiar with the questions... :)

Re: anybody have a idea?
Posted by laura rose on Mon Dec 18 23:08:27 2000 (#2028)

I wish i had an answer for you that would make it all better, but i don't. Why you do it may differ from why I do it. But like Marie said, we are familiar with that question, and we are here for you. That's the best we can do....

~laura

Re: anybody have a idea?
Posted by Kate on Tue Dec 19 02:57:50 2000 (#2036)

It is not your fault. You can't help it. We can't help it. It is like a drug you are addicted to hurting yourself because you have low self-esteem. We all do, you will be safe here. Write me or email me if you need anything.

Kate

Re: anybody have a idea?
Posted by ang on Thu Dec 21 04:40:24 2000 (#2139)

WOW it feels so good to have a place to go and openly talk about this and not have ppl look at you or say somthin about it when they have no clue you all have a clue...i bought an xacto knife today not with the intention to hert my self but i did any ways all my bf does is get upset he thinks he can stop itbut he can't i've starded tharpy but i doubt it will help this the depresion maybe the cutting...i have serios doubts on my doctor was all what hapend? i lied its to esy to lie about this stuff i reallly apraicate all ur guyses help i'll definatly be posting every day and maybe eventually i can help others ~Ang

WOW
Posted by Ang on Fri Dec 22 07:18:09 2000 (#2182)

wot shall i do?
Posted by anna on Mon Dec 18 21:03:33 2000 (#2020)

I am really obsessed by the band blink182 and i always carve their name in2 my arm. i know i need help but i dont know wot 2 do.some1 please help me escape from this f**ked up mess im in.

Re: wot shall i do?
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Dec 18 22:23:18 2000 (#2021)

Hi, welcome to our little family! We're all in the same boat as you. If it would make you feel even the slightest bit better to talk about your feelings, feel free. We rant and rave all the time! For some of us, therapy has helped. Others just need someone to talk to and we all feel comfortable talking to each other. Anyway, please come back and tell us about yourself. My name is Lori, but I post under DeliriousButterfly. Everyone calles me DB for short, because I picked out the most insanely long name possible! I'm 23 and started cutting when I was a teenager. If you want to e-mail anyone, we usually put our addresses at the top of the post. Just remember, you're not alone! *hugs Anna*

Love, DB

Re: wot shall i do?
Posted by laura rose on Mon Dec 18 23:12:30 2000 (#2029)

Ditto =) ... welcome.. do you think you are truly obsessed with the band? Perhaps you have OCD.. there are meds for that... but you may not want to be on meds... sorry, in order to give any advice, i would need a little more info.. you can email me if you want.

~Laura

Re: wot shall i do?
Posted by amy on Tue Dec 19 16:09:33 2000 (#2047)

Do you listen to blink 182 while you're cutting their name in? Cuz, sometimes, when I listen to my favorite band, I cut. Like, I'll be fine, but then I'll put on nin, and all the sudden im searching for a razor.... Well, I hope this helped you a bit. Amy

Re: wot shall i do?
Posted by laura rose on Tue Dec 19 19:35:38 2000 (#2054)

Amy, Hurt and Something I Can Never Have... are both triggers for my SI... Well, most of their songs are. Anna... are you more obsessed with the band than you are with the cutting? Or is it the other way around?

~laura

Re: wot shall i do?
Posted by SImon on Wed Dec 20 20:37:44 2000 (#2112)

God, the amount of times i have had to cut when i have had NIN or Mar1lyn Man5on on. i never mention that 'cos then people just say that i'm doing it to be cool and cos they do it too. that realy pisses me off. if we live in a society where certain music can make poeple need to gauge chunks out of their arms maybe the problem is with the society and not the music!

SImon

stop staring
Posted by amy on Tue Dec 19 00:28:05 2000 (#2032)

I'm new here, like a lot of other people. I just want to say that I am tired of the way people stare at me, it makes me sick. I hate the way people scream at me, calling me "Satan", "Freak" and the way they make comments as i walk by. What have I ever done to deserve this. I don't even know these people, but they think they know me. And what's with there people feeling the need to try and force their religions on me. And when they talk to me, why cant they stare at my face instead of my scars...

Re: stop staring
Posted by Micheal on Tue Dec 19 00:59:08 2000 (#2033)

hi...unfortunately, most people won't understand. They will stare, and the only thing i can think of is for you to ignore them. Be better than them, be yourself, don't be lulled into their stupidity, naivety and bigotry. I know it's hard. I cut my wrist recently, people saw, one friend said 'have you been naughty again' in a jokey way. I hate it too. Anyway, this isn't about me. Do what *you* want. Religions can be funny things...choose the one you want, if you want any, and do not let anybody force you into things. As long as you keep doing it, people will stare...most of my friends know...their either do scared to talk about it, or too ignorant to notice. You could either try to stop (sorry...heh), or do it in a place people won't see so easily...i'm not advocating anything here, i don't want to promote this...but that is the way i have managed... be carefull Michael

Re: stop staring
Posted by Kate on Tue Dec 19 02:54:50 2000 (#2035)

I think it is brave to show your scars. Everyone in this world is hiding something they are just too arogent to admit it. I always feel like people are staring at me. They can't see my scars but I feel so different from everyone and I feel like I don't belong and everyone wants to get rid of me. But in reality they are not even thinking of me. THey are wrapped up in themselves and their teeny bopper, Brittany Spears type of life. It is hard to think realistically when part of you exaggerates the truth. Hang in their, I know it is hard. I am here.

Re: stop staring
Posted by Selene on Tue Dec 19 06:55:05 2000 (#2041)

Hey, I feel your pain. But seriously, I know what you mean. Most of my scars are hidden but I have a few that poeple can see, like when I wear t-shirts. The best advice I can give you is.. let them stare. Unless they do it to, they probably wouldnt understand. Actually, Id rather they ask than stare. Its really awkward when they sit there and stare. Sorry if this didnt help ya at all. ~Selene

i'm in trouble
Posted by laura rose on Tue Dec 19 05:12:30 2000 (#2040)

i just hit bone about 3 times. Cut myself about 60 times, so only 3 bone hits is pretty good, one on my rib, and two on my arms. I haven't gone this deep in a while. Guess I was a little more upset than I thought I was. Fuck... Sometimes, I realize just how much SI is not the friend I wish it was.... only wish I had known that 7 years ago...

~laura

Re: i'm in trouble
Posted by katie on Tue Dec 19 07:09:38 2000 (#2042)

laura...

i don't know what to say, only be careful, only i guess it's a little late for that... take care of yourself as much as you can. we're all thinking of you.

bye for now... love, katie

Re: i'm in trouble
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 19 16:50:00 2000 (#2048)

Shit, Laura... I'd swear we were linked somehow... I cut deeper than usual too... I need stitches but I'm not getting them...screw it... I'll just live with the ugly scars as usual... sorry, I was planning on writing something happy and cheerful but reality keeps creeping in... I hope and pray that you're alright... take care hon... (good time for a canada vacation...)