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Threads 551 to 600

is anyone awake?
Posted by Amy on Tue Dec 19 09:45:37 2000 (#2043)

so... is anyone awake?

may be offensive...
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 19 17:02:11 2000 (#2049)

I don't know why I am just now snapping because I've lived this life for years, but I am fucking sick of getting shit on all the time. I am giving up... I don't care anymore... I've tried all my life to make people happy, to make my family proud and all they can see is a screw up because my college grades aren't all A's or because I'm grumpy and tired after I get home from work or because I can't keep up all of the damn housework on top of my school work and everything else I do and still maintain a cheerful attitude. I got told off last night because my dad thought I was fucking looking at him funny... shit, I wasn't even looking at him at all... he threatened to hit me for being too slow at what I was doing (drying dishes)... I can't do this any more... I want to die... I want to run away.. I want to disappear... I want to scream and lash out at someone... most of all I want to bleed until all the pain goes away...(sorry about the language... I'm usually a mousy, quiet girl who would never dream of cursing at anyone...) I am just so sick of life... Just let me die here... just let me bleed....

Re: may be offensive...
Posted by laura rose on Tue Dec 19 19:40:49 2000 (#2056)

Marie... Bleed, if you feel you need to. A *wise* board member once reminded me, however ~ don't bleed from a vital part of your body... such as a throat or parallel with a vein. I'm sorry that your family is like that. You know that if I could come and get you, that I would in a heartbeat. Remember that I care. So does everyone else on here. I wish there was something more I could do, but if you want to talk, I'm here.

~laura (yeah, I think we all need to get our arses to Canada)

Frustration, I guess
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Dec 19 18:04:12 2000 (#2050)

Everyday I read all the new posts that everyone writes. Every single one, because I love everyone here so much. I haven't cut myself since November 29th and I think I'm starting to feel guilty about it. I mean, everybody has problems that make them cut and it makes them wonder why it has to be this way. I feel the same way, but I haven't cut myself in like 3 weeks, or whatever. I guess my question is, what is different about me that I haven't even wanted to hurt myself in this amount of time? What's changed? I wonder if you'll even still want me here, since I haven't cut for what seems like a long time for me. I feel guilty because somehow, I've changed, and even though it's for the better, I haven't been able to take anyone else's pain away. I was reading about how Marie might need stitches and how Laura cut to the bone. I've never cut that deep and haven't known the amount of pain that drives one to go that deep. I feel like my problems are so mundane compared to everyone else. Not that I go around comparing, but my life isn't that bad and maybe I'm just being a baby about it. My parents never hurt me, they controlled me, but they never even laid a hand on me! I always wanted to be a saint. Bet you didn't know that about me. I watched this movie once, called Song of Bernadette. It was about a French girl who saw the Virgin Mary at the grotto in Lourdes. She became a nun and was very faithful. In the movie, the Mother Superior at the convent became jealous because Bernadette was so young and has seen Mary and she was older and had dedicated her life to the church, but had seen no visions. Bernadette died young of some horrible disease she had had for many years. She had secretly lived in severe pain for a long time and the Mother Superior felt bad for berating Bernadette earlier. For most of her life, her legs were in severe pain that made kneeling and sometimes walking a real chore. She never complained, though. Anyway, the Catholic Church canonized her Saint Bernadette. God, how I wanted to be like her. To be SO faithful and never complain about the horrible pain she lived with and eventually died from. Her parents didn't even know she was sick! Why couldn't I keep my pathetic problems a secret and just devote my life to being faithful? A lot of saints SI'd, you know. They did it to show that nothing could take away their love for God. I always did it because I was selfish. "This is my body and I'll do whatever I want with it, even if it means mutilating it beyond recognition." I'm not suicidal at all, I'm actually happy, but I feel bad about it. Like I don't have the right to be happy or something. I haven't earned it. I want more than anything to take away everyone's pain! If it meant that none of you would ever feel the urge to hurt yourselves again, I'd do it in your place. I'd cut myself FOR you! I'd suffer in silence and wear long sleeves all the time and hopefully be loved someday because I had taken away the urge to hurt. No, I don't want to be God or anything, I just wanted to help ONE person. Just take away all the pain and hurt they'd ever known and let it be my pain. Am I crazy? I think I might be...let me know, okay? I don't even know if I want to post this because you all might think I really am crazy and that scares me, but I need for someone to know that I hurt for you even though I don't physically hurt at the moment.

Love, DB *who is hitting "post message" before she changes her mind.

Re: Frustration, I guess
Posted by katie on Tue Dec 19 18:27:13 2000 (#2052)

yes, DB... totally...

i don't feel like i have any good reason to cut, and i haven't been cutting much lately. i did yesterday, but i realized that it only half-helps. it's not like it used to be, and that sort of scares me. i feel mostly the same, but cutting doesn't always do anything. i just end up feeling guilty and childish for doing it when i didn't need to. i don't know what i *did* need to do, though... that's the problem.

i wonder if maybe i should just stop worrying about everything because i am so much luckier than a lot of people... what i am doing can't be valid... but then why am i doing it?

but we are still here, and i think we belong here. we all need each other. we're all different, there's no reason to feel guilty for not hurting as much as we think we deserve to. i try to keep telling myself that...

take care-- love, katie

Re: Frustration, I guess
Posted by blue rose on Tue Dec 19 18:34:23 2000 (#2053)

Lori, you are wonderful. I haven't cut in a long time too, and that is why I don't post too often either. Because I feel like I don't belong here, like my pain doesn't hurt enough. It sounds silly, but I think that's how a lot of us feel. Some of us are really getting over this, hopefully all of us will someday. As for craziness, I like to think that people like us are a little more sane than most. We've been in touch with the pain that invades EVERYONE, no matter who they are, we've allowed ourselves to feel it to the fullest, and just because we don't cut anymore (or haven't in awhile) doesn't mean we're any less enlightened because of what we've been through. Everyone's story is different, but hopefully the outcome can be the same. If not happiness, then I hope we all someday live in comfort. Comfort is all that matters. ilu all.

stay safe

Re: Frustration, I guess
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 19 19:40:45 2000 (#2055)

DB, I think this board is for everyone... even if you never cut again in your life, you'd be welcome here because you care and understand what we're going through... you don't have to live our lives to sympathize and offer support for us....

We love you DB.... don't give up on us just yet...

Re: Frustration, I guess
Posted by laura rose on Tue Dec 19 19:48:58 2000 (#2057)

Lori, look at linda... she has never SI'd here, and she is like a mother to some people on this board. Whether or not you SI is secondary... I'm glad you arent. I mean, before last night, I hadn't cut very much... yeah, to me, 3 days is a huge deal. I'm happy for you, and it gives me strength to know you haven't done it. Then perhaps, it's attainable for someone like me too. You are soooooo NOT crazy.. If anyone here is, it's me.. and I don't think I'm crazy (well, a little, but that's ok). I love you, hon.... take care... *hugs*

~laura

Re: Frustration, I guess-I Love You All
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Dec 19 20:52:00 2000 (#2060)

Thanks to everyone for making me feel better! I hope to God I never cut again, but if I do, I know everyone here will hold my shaking hand. I remember a long time ago, Laura said she would lay down her life for a complete stranger, several others said similar things. I only hope I could have that strong a conviction if something like that was ever needed of me. There's this strange Zen-like peace in me that I can't quite explain. It feels good. I want to write epic poems and visit every place in the entire world and skydive, (okay, maybe that's a bit much!). I think it's safe to say that I love the people I have met here more than any friend I made in school. For those of you who have heard my school rants, you know what I mean! It's funny....someone you've never met in real life, never even seen, can make the difference between a good day and a bad day. All of you affect my life in a very positive way and if I can return even a fraction of that kindness, just knock on my bedroom door. I'll be there, in Canada, just look for the door with butterflies on it, okay? I feel the urge to go outside, look up at the sky and take a deep breath. Then I want to laugh as loudly as I can. I don't think I'll do it just today though, since it snowed a couple of inches last night and it's bitterly cold, but on a warmer day, I will. I love you all, my beautiful, scarred angels. Maybe that's the strange feeling I have--love. I finally feel loved. It's nice, I think I'll stay here. After all, I already picked out my chair! I realize my worda may have not been all that organized, but I just have so many feelings rushing at me at once, it's difficult to think straight!

Love, *a REALLY delirious DB

Re: Frustration, I guess-I Love You All
Posted by Nuni on Wed Dec 20 04:19:28 2000 (#2073)

Hey You all, Ive been hiding behind the scenes. Observing everyone, newcomers, etc... DB, I understand your confusion. I hadnt cut in almost a month and then yesterday it occurred to me (in a drunken stupor) that the helplessness I felt was because i hadnt reached out to anyone here in a while. I cut small shallow ones on my arms, stomach. I even placed the blade in my mouth (never do that) anyhow..Cutting or not, I think we will always be part of something special. Besides you have a lot of butterflies to take care of in Canada, and by the way, I think I have been sitting next to you, and Laura...somehoe we ALL have been reaching out...Love, thats what that is.. Hugs to all. Nuni

Re: Frustration, I guess
Posted by Fran on Wed Dec 20 12:51:35 2000 (#2086)

You support everyone and you read all our messages. Just knowing that makes me feel better and even though I haven't been here for long....I LOVE YOU!. Please keep Posting

I'm sad...
Posted by blue blue rose on Tue Dec 19 18:23:54 2000 (#2051)

I listen to the wind to the wind of my soul Where I'll end up well I think, only God really knows I've sat upon the setting sun But never, never never never I never wanted water once No, never, never, never

I listen to my words but they fall far below I let my music take me where my heart wants to go I swam upon the devil's lake But never, never never never I'll never make the same mistake No, never, never, never

--Cat Stevens, The Wind

Hello, I'm new!
Posted by Nyt Myst on Tue Dec 19 19:53:51 2000 (#2058)

Just wondering if I would be welcome here? I've been on lots of message boards, but I'm better at giving advice than I am at asking for help. Just looking for a friend.

Re: Hello, I'm new!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Dec 19 21:13:44 2000 (#2061)

Welcome! There's an empty chair in here, so you can have it! I'm Lori, 23, started cutting in my mid-teens, though I seem to have stopped a few weeks ago for no apparent reason. Everybody here is really nice and you will grow to love them. We always like meeting new people. I'm sure everyone will introduce themselves. Our personalities are very different, but we go together like peanut butter and jelly. We don't always talk about serious stuff, we actually laugh sometimes. Like that time Laura asked me to tell why I love eating lipgloss.... Anyway, welcome!

Love, DB

Re: Hello, I'm new!
Posted by blue rose on Tue Dec 19 21:17:54 2000 (#2062)

Hello hello

I'm Rose. This is a give and take kind of place. With advise and help and stuff like that, I mean. Welcome, tell us your story, we can offer comfort, if nothing else.

stay safe ;o)

Welcome!!!!!
Posted by Marie on Tue Dec 19 21:35:27 2000 (#2064)

I hope you like it here... you're welcome to prop up your feet and stay a while... (passes out mugs of hot chocolate and plates of cookies) Make yourself at home. :)

Re: Welcome!!!!!
Posted by Michael on Wed Dec 20 00:05:44 2000 (#2065)

hello...i've not been here long, only a week oe so...People are really freindly and will always be supportive. I'm 17 and from England, i like to drink and lot, and then cut when i get guilty...funny how it's so easy to say among freinds (...or people that you know vaguely...!).

Re: Welcome!!!!!
Posted by Nuni on Wed Dec 20 07:19:31 2000 (#2081)

Im the BIG Sis here, Welcome! we do what we can...we hug a lot too! Nuni

Re: Hello, I'm new!
Posted by Baleigh on Wed Dec 20 00:50:13 2000 (#2067)

LoL Hunny... you've found about 4 dozen friends! Welcome! Baleigh

Thank You all!!!!
Posted by Nyt Myst on Wed Dec 20 17:39:46 2000 (#2094)

Thank you all for that warm welcome. I need good friends. I go on a few other boards, but I'm so used to giving advice and offering help, I forget that I need help as well. I'm 16 and I live in California. I've been cuting for a little over 5 years now, but I think my SI started at a younger age. I used to bang my head when I felt sorry for myself, but back then, SI wasn't really known. I've read numerous books, article, checked out tons of SI websites, tracked down a support group in Nottingham, England for a friend out there who couldn't seem to find one, designed my own web page, though not yet finished, am a published poet 3 times, going on fourth, and I have the worst self esteem in the world. Anything else anyone would like to know?

HEY HEY
Posted by MELISSA on Tue Dec 19 19:58:50 2000 (#2059)

IM OKAY YOU GUYS. I LOVE YOU LOST. IM SORRY I HAVENT BEEN ON LATELY THINGS ARE PRETTY HECTIC IN MY WORLD RIGHT NOW. BUT IM OKAY DONT WORRY.

MELISSA

Re: HEY HEY
Posted by Lost on Tue Dec 19 21:18:14 2000 (#2063)

WWOOOOOOOOWWWWWEEEEE!!!!!! DAMMIT!!! I keep missing ur ass on aim! its gettin on my NERVES!!!!!!!! and If i don't get an e-mail from ur slut self soon I'm gonna kick u in ur eyelid! :) luv ya girl!

Sorry....
Posted by Michael on Wed Dec 20 00:08:56 2000 (#2066)

hi...erm, i want to apologise about my aimless and slef pitying rant on here last saturday - i'd just had a big argument and wasn't feeling too good. For all i know, none of you may have noticed or cared, but incase you did, i'm sorry because in retrospect it was rash and silly. I should have calmed down before writing it, and collected my thoughts. Anyway, I get the feeling i'm being really stupid by writing this, i'm sorry then.

Michael...sorry!!!

Re: Sorry....
Posted by Baleigh on Wed Dec 20 00:51:24 2000 (#2068)

Don't be sorry! That's what we're here for! : )

Re: Sorry....
Posted by Amy on Wed Dec 20 04:18:01 2000 (#2072)

You don't have to be sorry. I read it, and I didn't think it was silly. I can completly relate. I think I'm mad at the word sorry....it's used way to much. I say it like a million times a day for the stupidest things...

Re: Sorry....
Posted by laura rose on Wed Dec 20 05:43:50 2000 (#2077)

Michael.... Um.. yeah, what they said. I didn't see anything wrong with what you wrote. Heh.. you should see some of the things that I write... =)

~laura (who is fixing you a room in Canada)

Hullo there, Pooh
Posted by Baleigh on Wed Dec 20 01:05:46 2000 (#2069)

Hey. Sorry I haven't been around for awhile. I dunno what has been going on. Stupid shit I suppose. I stayed the night at my friends house last night and of course I drag my journals everywhere I go... so for some reason we were reading little bits of ours to each other (weird) but on one of my entries... she cried. I couldn't believe that I had made her cry. I was crying when I had written it... but I've always thought that the shit I write in my journals is useless and no one would care... and for her to cry was just a bit shocking. I had written a lot of things about that relationship crappy thing I went through.. hell... who am I kidding? One whole journal has nothing but things about Brain in it. It just happened to be the one I was reading from and at one point I couldn't take it anymore. I've kept all emotion about what happened bottled up for the longest time... I felt that my friends had gotten tired of hearing nothing but how much I missed him. But everything just spilled out at once. I hadn't cried over all this in the longest time and last night I just had to. She probably thought I was crazy cause I started to cry and just kept reading and reading all this shit to her about it... I wouldn't stop. I'm actually kind of glad that I was there all night... cause if I had been home I would have had a field day... and it would have been good too because I haven't cut over anything that has mattered recently... it's all been over stupid shit. Shit... now I wish I had been home cause I can just feel the relief that it would have given me... it's all a tease! We had exchanged Christmas gifts earlier... she had gotten me a picture frame on which I managed to cut myself with whenever I was trying to get the sticker off the glass... I so almost went for the glass while she wasn't around. Wow... I wish I had been home last night now... is that sad... that I wish I could have cut? Oh well though! Good night!

oh no....
Posted by amy on Wed Dec 20 04:12:51 2000 (#2071)

Have any of you ever lost/dropped/misplaced one of your razors. I just did, and my mom's gonna be home any minute, and im looking every where, and scared to step on it, and scared my cats will eat it, and scared my mom will step on in, and scared she'll find it.... ohhhh god... I just put it down a second ago, and then i looked up and, poof, its gone.... what am i going to do??? If my mom finds it, she'll start questioning me... and... err

visit to canada
Posted by katie on Wed Dec 20 04:28:10 2000 (#2074)

heh, so i was being hypersensitive and getting unreasonable about some stupid thing or another, but then i decided to go to canada instead of being ridiculous and silent and worried like i usually am. it was nice. i sat there curled up in my blanket for a bit and visited everyone. eventually i had to go, but i even pictured myself saying good-bye to all of you and then leaving the house and walking back to where i was before, so it wasn't like it just ended suddenly. heehee. i feel sort of silly. but it was nice. oh, also, to start a random thread: what does everyone's room look like in the house in canada? so i can picture it better. mine, i guess, has nice big windows that let the light in and a brightly colored rug on the wood floor. the walls are maybe yellow, not sure... i have bright posters and pictures, photographs of my friends and family and cats. also some of my own art. my computer's gotta be in there somewhere, too--it's all covered in stickers and other amusing things. i have a loft bed that i've collaged with poetry (really, actually...) and a big comfortable chair. lots and lots of books on the shelves, along with art supplies and stuffed animals. and way too many clothes in the closet, lol...

okay, that's enough for now, i have to get to work. but you get the idea. :)

take care, everyone love, katie

Re: visit to canada (my room)
Posted by laura rose on Wed Dec 20 05:51:53 2000 (#2079)

Well, this is the rundown on my room up in Canada. First of all, I live on the second floor, and my carpet is forest green... and the walls are light brown. I have every sarah Mclachlan, tori amos, emm gryner, dido, dar williams, tara maclean and NOFX poster you can imagine, covering most of the walls. Over in one corner, you will find 2 turntables and a mic.... and in another corner, you will find my guitar, and a whole hell of a lot of cd's. In another corner, my stereo and computer.. and somwhere in there is a bed, and my cats mortimer and maia are sleeping on it. Heehee... I have goofy sheets and comforter... Star Wars, or something like that... and in the center of the floor is a huuuuuge black-light area rug... and there are blacklights on the ceiling. Um... I think that's about it. =)

~laura now playing: tori amos... Me And A Gun

Re: visit to canada (my room)
Posted by Nuni on Wed Dec 20 07:09:14 2000 (#2080)

My room....mine just mine.. First, hard wood floors, a corner room, I have a small balcony where i sit at night and write without any interruptions..hmm, in my room all I have is a king size bed big fluffy pillows, the bed sits right in the middle of the room off on another side i have my desk, my computer... my walls are bare, Lavender paint is what i choose.. a lamp is all the lighting I need. No mirrors, dont need to look at myself.. a papasn chair where I sit and just think and sleep when I need to take a nap..peaceful, soothing, oh how i wish it were real....

Re: visit to canada (my room)
Posted by Christine on Wed Dec 20 08:50:34 2000 (#2082)

My room is nice and big I have a marble floor w/ glitter in it.My walls are baby blue.There are fairies and shrooms all over and on my ceiling there are flutterbyes in all sort of beautifull colors.I have a big canopy bed with a super stuffed comforter.Its baby blue,pink and lavender w/ glitter trim and its so soft and made of fleece.There are pillows galore 2.I have a chandaler with all different colored bulbs.There is a balcony with sheer curtins and when u walk out on it you see a pond w/ beautifully colored angel fish.I have one of those big circular chairs.There really kewl I dont know how to explain them.and it covered w/ pillows and its made of flannel it matches the comforter and has a picture of a fairy sitting on a shroom.on the one wall there is a HUGE picture or Angelina Jolie it goes from the floor to the ceiling and the ceiling is like one of those cathedralsand there is a sun roof thing in the middle.My cat is hiding under a tall dresser and my dog is on the chair napping.

Re: visit to canada (my room)
Posted by Marie on Wed Dec 20 14:50:23 2000 (#2087)

In my room in canada it's a nature lover's paradise... I have pine-wood floors and a nice warm full sized bed with flannel sheets and a big comfy flannel comfortor... I have a balcony with a window garden and a hammok and my view is of a river where I love to go canoeing... my walls are covered with nature photographs that my girlfriend and I have taken... and some of her paintings (she's an art major) Oh, and one wall is covered floor to ceiling with all of my favorite books. :)

Re: visit to canada (my room)
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Dec 20 18:27:39 2000 (#2100)

Well, obviously my room has butterflies all in it. I have a life-size poster of John Rzeznik on the wall (go ahead and laugh, Laura!), a painting of the full moon called Cobalt Blue by a local artist, a picture of the Spanish Steps in Rome that my friend Emanuele gave me, white walls, four poster bed with those curtain things Lost wants in her room, a balcony (I'm such a copycat!), beanbag chairs all around the room, and a huge walk in closet full of my shoes (which anyone is welcome to borrow, so long as you wear an 8 1/2!) and a mirror like in Snow White that tells me I am perfect and nothing I can do will change that. Everyone is also welcome to talk to the mirror!

Love, DB

DAMN IT!
Posted by Baleigh on Thu Dec 21 04:30:47 2000 (#2137)

I haven't come here in so long this post is probably gonna be silly! But I want my room to be like... scary! LoL! We'll ahve to ship in some HUGE stones to cover the walls and floors with. I'll have lanterns and the paintings that are in my room now. (Super creepy) My bed'll be a huge ass pillow that stands as high as a normal bed... with blood red velvet comforter... black satin sheets and things. Red light bulbs (sexy... can we say?) Candles... super odd things... a stone fireplace... Satanic shit... OH YEAH! I can't wait!

visit to canada
Posted by katie on Wed Dec 20 04:28:57 2000 (#2075)

heh, so i was being hypersensitive and getting unreasonable about some stupid thing or another, but then i decided to go to canada instead of being ridiculous and silent and worried like i usually am. it was nice. i sat there curled up in my blanket for a bit and visited everyone. eventually i had to go, but i even pictured myself saying good-bye to all of you and then leaving the house and walking back to where i was before, so it wasn't like it just ended suddenly. heehee. i feel sort of silly. but it was nice.

oh, also, to start a random thread: what does everyone's room look like in the house in canada? so i can picture it better. mine, i guess, has nice big windows that let the light in and a brightly colored rug on the wood floor. the walls are maybe yellow, not sure... i have bright posters and pictures, photographs of my friends and family and cats. also some of my own art. my computer's gotta be in there somewhere, too--it's all covered in stickers and other amusing things. i have a loft bed that i've collaged with poetry (really, actually...) and a big comfortable chair. lots and lots of books on the shelves, along with art supplies and stuffed animals. and way too many clothes in the closet, lol...

okay, that's enough for now, i have to get to work. but you get the idea. :)

take care, everyone

love, katie

MY ROOM!!!!
Posted by Lost on Wed Dec 20 05:47:05 2000 (#2078)

My room will have a jet black carpet with black walls and a black ceiling. I want to have that glow in the dark paint stuff and just have things written all over the wall. I want all kinds of black light posters and stuff (AND a black light...duh!! :þ) I want pretty lava lamps too. I want a king sized WHITE bed with white sheets and a black comforter and an assortment of black and white pillows. I want a big comfy RAINBOW colored couch in the corner. a HUGE one... one that like is shaped like an "L" and has to go in the corner... so everyone in the house can come in and play!!! Oh yeah and around my bed I want like curtain things... I don't remember what they're called but those see-through things that are like big curtains surrounding ur bed and they're so pretty-- I think maybe a canopy or something. well anyways, I white one of those. and then I want a whole wall with ONLY things that people have made for me. just little dorky things. Maybe a picture that they colored out of a coloring book... or just something that says their name... or even just a gum wrapper that they said to keep forever (I'm a dork like that). hehe well I'll elaborate more on my room later cuz i can't think of anything anymore! hehe oh yeah one more thing... there has to be a REAL sexy boy laying on my bed too!!! hehehe my room can't be complete without that!!!

Re: MY ROOM!!!!
Posted by MELISSA on Thu Dec 21 17:24:09 2000 (#2164)

I LOVE THAT IDEA. MY ROOM HAS A WALL LIKE THAT WITH A BUNCH OF STUPID MEMORIY STUFF I GUESS. AND I HAVE BILLIONS OF GLOW IN THE DARK THINGS. AND I HAVE A GOOD IDEA ON ONE OF MY WALLS I GLUED BROKEN MIRROR PIECES ALL OVER IT IT LOOKS REAL COOL (IF YOUR NOT SUPERSTITIOUS). YOU CAN COME AND SPEND THE NIGHT SOMETIME IF YOU WANT, HEHEHE. WELL LOVE PEACE N CHICKEN GREASE YOU STUPID WHORE =) MELISSA

oops
Posted by katie on Wed Dec 20 04:29:31 2000 (#2076)

i didn't mean to post that twice, obviously. the spacing was all weird. don't mind me...

DESPERATE FOR LOVE: FINAL PLEA
Posted by Roni on Wed Dec 20 08:58:49 2000 (#2083)

Please i need help i need someone to love me if you are female and bisexual or lesbian looking for love and under the age of 25 please e-mail me i need understanding and love i need a shoulder to cry on as well as a relationship please time is running short for me roni

Re: DESPERATE FOR LOVE: FINAL PLEA
Posted by Marie on Wed Dec 20 18:30:42 2000 (#2101)

Sorry, Roni... If you are looking for a relationship you've come to the wrong board... we are here to help you with your troubles and listen and care for you... but this isn't a match-making board... feel free to post if you like.... we welcome new-comers.

SI...and sex
Posted by laura rose on Wed Dec 20 09:04:14 2000 (#2084)

Anyone know what I mean? Have you ever cut someone else, or had them cut you... and it was a huuuuge turn-on? Am I the only one here?

~Laura

Re: SI...and sex
Posted by Michael on Wed Dec 20 15:34:57 2000 (#2088)

I haven't had that happen to me, and i haven't done it to anyone else, but in a way i think i'd like to....just to see...just for the experience...i suppose it's kind of like a love bite...and people like them, so why not a cut... i'm interested now... but if it's for pleasure it kind of means your going into that whole sado-masochism area... i prefer SI

Re: SI...and sex
Posted by amy on Wed Dec 20 16:12:58 2000 (#2089)

Well, I've never done it either, but I'd want to try it.... But, I think that if the other person never cut before, I'd feel really wrong cutting them... One of my friends always asks to cut me.... I don't know why...

Re: SI...and sex
Posted by Marie on Wed Dec 20 17:43:37 2000 (#2096)

I'm not into cutting, but I do claw in the middle of sex.. I've left welts on my honey before... he doesn't mind... he seems to like it... but I doubt he'd go for the cuts.. he's squemish at the sight of blood.. :) or at least, his blood... He doesn't mind mine.. :)So much for "safe" sex, Huh? (blushes and grins...) He says I'm like a cat...

Re: SI...and sex
Posted by Nyt Myst on Wed Dec 20 17:49:25 2000 (#2097)

Nope, I don't think you're alone in this one. I'm still a virgin, but I had a guy once who had a thing for knifes put my own knife to my throat, then slowly slide it down between my breasts, down to my stomach, and back. It was very much a turn on for me, when I got it back I took my knife and I cut him, which ended up being a turn on for him. It was a little creepy though because I had no interest in him, he was after me, and the knife was supposed to get rid of him. OOPPS!

Re: SI...and sex
Posted by Baleigh on Thu Dec 21 04:24:14 2000 (#2136)

LoL... that sucks! But ummm... nope! Still a virgin so I wouldn't know about the sex thang... but uhhh... that crappy guy that everyone should know about by now... he wanted to watch me cut... he had a blood fetish. Too bad he was an ass or I probably would have let him watch and then do anything he wanted with the blood... LoL.. I'm a freak!

Re: SI...and sex
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Dec 20 18:22:11 2000 (#2099)

Don't ask me, (said the girl who is trying to lose her virginity!) Did I just reveal too much?!? But, I'd try it. I'll do anything twice, just to see if I like it better the second time around!

Love, DB

prozac nation
Posted by Fran on Wed Dec 20 11:16:57 2000 (#2085)

Has anyone else read 'Prozac Nation' by Elizabeth Wurtzel ? It's one of the best books I've ever read perhaps because of how I can relate to it .

Re: prozac nation
Posted by blue rose on Wed Dec 20 16:39:48 2000 (#2090)

I haven't read that one, but a good book (better than the movie) is Girl, Interrupted by Suzanna Kaysen. Another good book about SI is I Never Promised You a Rose Garden. It's about schizophrenia, puts a different percpective on cutting and burning. Some stupid books about SI/depression are A Bright Red Screem and Reviving Ophelia. They regurgitate shit we already know about ourselves. Maybe they'd be good for someone who has no idea about cutting, depression, or young women. If anyone knows of any other good books, I'm curious to read them.

stay safe ;o)

Re: prozac nation
Posted by Nyt Myst on Wed Dec 20 17:52:15 2000 (#2098)

Have you read, Women who hurt themselves by Dusty Miller? It's got some interesting things, though not many. I've got a few more listed on my website at http://communities.msn.com/vic timsofSI

Anyone having trouble?
Posted by iain on Wed Dec 20 17:00:15 2000 (#2092)

Hi,

i'm just posting to ask if anyone is having trouble with the webmaster's e-mail address.

I wrote a story a few years ago, when i was completely fucked up and on a lot of anti-psychotic drugs. i exaggerated a lot.

i thought it was anonymous, turns out my name is in fucking lights next to it, so i e-mailed that wulff guy and asked him to take it off.

Now it's popped up on yahoo! searches, people have read it, and hey presto"! my life has been completely, absoultely, fucked. I don't know why he didn't take it off.

So if you're listening, please explain, and a word of advice to depressed people, keep it to yourself, don't open up, don't talk about it, you're better offing yourself than making yourself vulnerable like this

New Bloke
Posted by SImon on Wed Dec 20 17:21:23 2000 (#2093)

Hi girls. I just discovered ur message board and since, although i do have some friends who went through a little phase of self harm i still think it makes some of them uncomfortable if i want 2 talk about my SI it kind of freaks most peeps out. anyway, im a relatively rare thing within the SI community - an adult (Well 18yrs) male who has not been physically abused. well i still get really depressed and guilty for whatever reasons so i started cutting early last winter. I have a history of numerous suicide attempts but i dont feel that way NEmore cos i get my anger out with the blood.(god, i sound like such a crazy) i think this is proberbly way 2 deep for a load of people who i dont know but that's basically me. im at uni (in the uk) so will try to send more messages when i can if im welcome here. Cya

Re: New Bloke
Posted by Nyt Myst on Wed Dec 20 17:43:18 2000 (#2095)

Hello, welcome. I'm fairly new here, so I don't know if I have the authority to be welcoming anyone, but I'll do it anyways, (I'm such a rebel!) Hope to hear from you soon!

Welcome!!!!
Posted by Marie on Wed Dec 20 18:35:37 2000 (#2103)

I'm glad you've joined us... I'm 21 and have been SIing for about 9 years... I'm currently in therapy trying to quit... we welcome you and hope you become a 'regular'... :) (smiles and waves and offers a hug...)

Re: New Bloke
Posted by Christine on Thu Dec 21 05:21:03 2000 (#2142)

Hi I'm Christine I'm 16.I'v been cutting for a long time dont know exactly how long.I dont know what to say besides welcome.Oh Nyt you can welcome anyone you want.If you dont how will they get to know you.ok I'm gonna go I'm tired and deppresed

You know what we need?
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Dec 20 18:31:18 2000 (#2102)

Profiles of ourselves. So all the new people will be able to read about us and get to know us better. We could explain the house in Canada and different things. If we could put it on a website, it would be good, that way we could just say, hey, this is me, this is what I do, this is what makes me happy, etc. Any thoughts?

Love, DB

Sounds good...
Posted by Marie on Wed Dec 20 18:37:30 2000 (#2104)

Unfortunately I don't know enough about the net or computers to know how to do that... I'd be more than happy to help you set it up, though, if you can tell me how! :)

Re: You know what we need?
Posted by SImon on Wed Dec 20 18:41:10 2000 (#2105)

That is such a great idea and since im supposed 2 B doing a bloody degree in computing i hereby offer my slightly dubious skills as web author (i made one site before for my punk band and it was not 2 bad acording to people who saw it) I cant promise that it wont take forever and end up not working but if you lot give me what u want it to say about yourselves and what u think it should look like etc then i can get 2 know u all at the same time. im not trying to take over or anything cos i know im just the new boy but im here if u want me.

SImon, you're an angel...
Posted by Marie on Wed Dec 20 18:46:38 2000 (#2106)

Would you like the info e-mailed to you? I think this would be so great... let us know

WHAT WE NEED!!!!
Posted by Lost on Wed Dec 20 19:15:13 2000 (#2107)

HEY YOU GUYS... we need someone to give us a list of EXACTLY what to say... like how bout I'll start the list and someone add to it ok?

Name: (the one on the board-- or real one if u don't care) Age/Sex: SI or not: Little backround to ur SI or Suicide attempts: (or if not... like backround to why ur here ie:try to help people or whatever ya know!!) -- the answer to this one should probably be like what happened in ur past that made u this way or whatever.

Things that MAKE YOU HAPPY: HEHE-ur FAVORITE FOOD and COLOR (i just threw that one in to be a nerd... but ANSWER IT ANYWAY!!!!!) Oh yeah WHERE U LIVE: AND ur ONE wish that u would want to come true :

UHMMMMM does anyone else know any other questions that we could answer in our wonderful little profile things?? or are there any of MY questions like too dumb or inappropriate (DON'T LIE!!!)? Ok :)bye

Re: WHAT WE NEED!!!!
Posted by Nyt Myst on Wed Dec 20 20:01:50 2000 (#2108)

How about what age SI began, how old they were when it began, what form of SI do they use, if family knows they SI or not, if they've been to a T. Just trying to stay on the subject of SI, sorry.

Re: WHAT WE NEED!!!!
Posted by SImon on Wed Dec 20 20:07:26 2000 (#2109)

I have read some of ur messages and i could make it like ur own little web 'Cannada' or at least include a description of what ur room in that imaginary house thingy looks like. Im actually well up for it now. I always feel better when i have a project to get on with (excluding my uni work - that sucks donkey balls!!!) like when the band has to get sorted for a gig (OH SHIT! - forgot about that. my band are meant 2 be playing on jan 10 and we have not even had a practice with the new rhythm guitarist...not that any of u really needed 2 know that but there u go) Jesus, i ramble when im bored. whenever im writing e-mails or messages it ends up becoming just one big stream of coincousness type thingy and i type whatever enters my head.

Yeah, anyway send me as much info 'bout urselves (or as much as u want to disclose to the general public) and i will eventually get around 2 doing something with it.

Bye 4 now

stay strong.

To SImon
Posted by laura rose on Wed Dec 20 20:33:32 2000 (#2111)

You are in a punk band? *wipes drool from mouth*... er.. sorry.. I'm a huuuuuge punk fan.. NOFX, Screeching weasel, Misfits, Bad Religion... all that stuff... yay!!!! another punk fan... Methinks I will get along with you well... =)

~laura who is now requesting that her room be next to SImons room... so I can listen to him play. uh... music, that is...

Re: To SImon
Posted by SImon on Wed Dec 20 20:42:29 2000 (#2113)

YAY! NOFX rock - we do a few of their songs: Hotdog In A Hallway, Love Story and Murder the Government. And the Misfits although i only really know Dust to dust by them. are u from UK? if so did u see Nick Cotton on Eastenders the other day? He was soooo wearing a misfits t-shirt. he he so like cool.Punky people here too. im starting a metal band too with a m8 from uni in Newcastle. GTG (Sooooo much work to do and im not going to make the deadline)

SI

Re: To SImon
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Dec 20 21:52:06 2000 (#2116)

This is gonna be so much fun! We can really get to know each other this way. I think the questions are great. I'm sooo glad SImon wants to do the technical stuff, because I'm not all that good at it! We need a cool name for the site. Hmmmm... Everybody think really hard! SImon, are you from Newcastle? If so, this is weird. My cousin married a guy from there. She met him on the net!! What's the name of your band and where's the website? We wanna know! What instrument do you play? I like that cool Seattle music, which, ironically is where Laura lives!

Love, DB

Re: To SImon
Posted by SImon on Wed Dec 20 23:16:34 2000 (#2119)

Whats so weird about being from Newcastle??? ok it is a fairly strange place but i like it there. My band is called Lack of Jon and we usually play in Durham but have done 1 gig in Newcastle. Grung is cool (i assume thats the Seattle music ur on about.) Im a big Nirvana fan. I play lead guitar (but badly) and the website has gone 2 web site heaven cos i could not be bothered maintaining it and wot else? err yeah a name 4 the site...how about 'Cutters Cannada' thats kinda surreal enough dont u think?

Re: To SImon
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Dec 21 01:32:49 2000 (#2122)

Being from Newcastle isn't weird. What I meant was that now I know two people from there--you and my cousin's husband. It's only strange because it's so far from the southern US. As for grunge music, people may have moved on, but I'm still livin in the early 90's as far as music, so grunge RULES!! I like your name for the site, by the way!

Love, DB

Re: To SImon
Posted by amy on Thu Dec 21 01:46:04 2000 (#2125)

woaa.... i think this is a great idea... so, do we like send the answers of the questions to you (SImon) or what? ohh... and Nirvana is great.

Re: To SImon web site name :(
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 21 02:11:54 2000 (#2127)

I think you are all on a good track,, here is me being negative, I cant think of a name(yet) for the site but I didnt really like it. really who am I ????

Re: WHAT WE NEED!!!!
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 21 15:15:47 2000 (#2157)

It deffinately sounds like we're getting someplace... As far as a name... I like Canada.... we've dreamed about it for so long, why not create it? SImon, should we e-mail you our demographical info?

Re: WHAT WE NEED!!!!
Posted by MELISSA on Thu Dec 21 17:30:08 2000 (#2165)

OOOO I LIKE THIS. I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS THOUGH. JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND WHEN AND ILL TYPE OR WHATEVER. HEHE. MUAH ITS A KISS XOXO MELISSA

Stupid vent (may be triggering)
Posted by Nyt Myst on Wed Dec 20 20:15:06 2000 (#2110)

Just wanted to vent, came out as a poem, sorry it sux.

Mass emotions flood my head, Would this all change if I were dead? Can't take the pain that swells inside, can keep on running but canno't hide, My silver savior comes to my side, and to the blades call I must abide, lower it to my skin that pulls back in fear, I silently cry my bloody tears, the cut is deep, the crimson river flows, when the blood is gone the scar is all that shows, I feel no pain, just regret and shame, I have been defeated in this mortal game.

Re: Stupid vent (may be triggering)
Posted by SImon on Wed Dec 20 20:46:30 2000 (#2114)

im not being patronising but that was such a good poem. i really rel8ed 2 it. we are a bloody talanted bunch here (no pun intended!)

SI

Re: Stupid vent (may be triggering)
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Dec 20 21:56:47 2000 (#2117)

It WAS a really good poem! Do you write a lot? I write poetry a lot and even have a dinky little website. http://nav.to/butterfly120 (shameless plug!) Anyway, to paraphrase SImon--we are a bloody talented bunch! Who here thinks SImon is going to be our class clown?!? Anybody else who writes, let us know! We love to read things other people write. Maybe those of us who write could put a little poem or whatever with our profiles!

Love, DB

im such a cunt
Posted by SImon on Wed Dec 20 21:00:21 2000 (#2115)

OK heres the drill. my dad is the only person who i ever blame for the way i am although i mostly blame myself. he is manic depressive, ex-substance abuser, alcoholic but now sober for the last few years etc. but he has this image to everyone who does not know him well that he is completely respectable. he is a uni lecturer and has two intelegant kids (and me the not quite so clever one) but he is always miserable and it gets the whole family down and he loses his temper and rarely smiles. y'see this is it. he never hit us (my parents did not even believe that smacking was the answer) and i feel like i have no real right to be depressed so i get all guilty...where was i (see what i meant about rambeling) but i gave him a hard time last night and shouted what i thought at him when he shouted at me after mishearing something i had said to back him up (more paranoid than me even!!) he went for a walk and didnt come back for about 1.5 hours. this is the bit that really makes me feel guilty and reach for my blade - my parents went out today and when they got back they told me he had been to hospital to see if he has cancer or not!!! fuck...he actually thought that this might be his last christmas. he is ok we think but one of the first things i said when we got beck after they picked me up to take me home from uni was 'this is going to be a fun christmass' in a really sarcastic voice after he shouted at my brother for something. Why cant i be more sensitive. im never going to get this assignment done SI

Re: im such a cunt
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Dec 21 01:38:46 2000 (#2123)

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Everybody is under a lot of stress around this time of year, so it's normal to be like that. But then, I act like that all year round, so......what was my point again?!? Oh yeah, give yourself a break. If for no other reason that it's almost Christmas!

Love, DB

Re: im such a cunt (NOT!!!)
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 21 02:17:22 2000 (#2129)

Gee you totally fit in here. Blaming yourself for situations you have no control over, feeling guilty when other are down when we all know everyone is in control of their own emtions. Like DB said dont be so hard on yourself. For me December is the worse time of year..too long, to cheerful..blah..anyway this is about you (sorry) you arent alone, I think you'll do fine on your assignment.

something I wrote to God....
Posted by laura rose on Wed Dec 20 22:35:09 2000 (#2118)

Conversation With God 12.10.00 Were you sick that day? Did you not know what was going on? You know, that day - when I was ten. When I was in the woods, alone. Well, I thought I was alone, but I wasn't. See God, he was there, waiting for me. Hiding and praying to you for the perfect opportunity. And then you gave it to him. Thank you, God. I am supposed to thank you, right? Well, again - I thank you. Thank you for letting him throw me to the ground. Thank you for letting him bash my head on a rock over and over. Thank you for letting him rip my clothes off of me. Thank you for letting him fuck me repeatedly. At which point did you turn away? Or maybe you watched the whole thing - wishing it was you who was touching my frightened skin. Thank you God, for the nightmares and the scars. All five thousand of them. Thank you for the hopelessness I feel. My distrust of men. My love for hate. I got it all from him - and he came from you. Thank you for these suicide eyes, I look at you through them. But mostly God, thank you for not being there to save me that day. I don't know what I would do with happiness any way.

Re: something I wrote to God....
Posted by SImon on Thu Dec 21 04:30:58 2000 (#2138)

That was incredibly moving it made me feel like i was there. i wish i could take the pain away from people like u who have had lots of shit while peole like me only have themselves to blame for the cuts. chilling, really chilling. could i ask are u still religous? i sometimes wish i was but i know i can never truly have faith in anything anymore. (sorry if i sound melodramatic but this is how i get at half three in the morning - its strange if ive been depressed one night, i will wake up in the morning feeling really dumb and childish for cutting then exactly the same thing happens the next night...then the next and so on)

SImon

Re: something I wrote to God....
Posted by Christine on Thu Dec 21 04:59:48 2000 (#2140)

I cant say how much I relate.The longer I thought the more I asked if there was a god why did he do nothing to help me?I was little I didnt know what to do.Years of flashbacks and ptsd I'm finally getting over it I can sleep at nite and not worry.For a while I was mad at my self now I'm mad at god actually I dont belive in god anymore.All I could think of a while ago was why didnt that basterd help me?

Re: something I wrote to God....
Posted by katie on Thu Dec 21 07:03:39 2000 (#2146)

laura--

i never know what to say, but i've written a poem for you. well, i haven't quite finished it yet.

maybe i'll even let you read it some day. ;)

take care,

love, katie

Re: something I wrote to God....
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 21 15:26:06 2000 (#2158)

Honey, I wish I could give you the answers... I don't know why, but I do still believe in God... strongly. He's my anchor.. the only steady thing in my life... I was molested by my preacher... and raped by a "good christian boy"... Yet I cling to my faith because I know that Satan can use a man just as much as God can, and humans are so weak... I know you probably don't want to hear this, but please don't blame God... blame the man... God gave us free will and it was his free will that hurt you, not Gods lack of attention.... (steps down from soapbox...) Sorry about that.. had to get it off my chest... ~hugs~ I love you all... :)

Response to-'it's enough to make you cry'
Posted by Sara on Wed Dec 20 23:24:17 2000 (#2120)

I answered my own question. I cut myself again. That's all there is to say.

uhh no subject to this one
Posted by Lost on Thu Dec 21 01:17:08 2000 (#2121)

HI! hehe I'm just saying hi to all u guys. There's no point to this post. I'm just bored! Anyway... i totally can't stand holidays. i don't know why! I think its pointless that on ONE day of the year everyone has to run around and spend a billion dollars on presents... uhm for NO reason! whats the point? Same with valentines day. WHY do u need a special day to tell someone u love them? shouldn't u like tell them anyway or whatever? But back to X-mas... basically it just SUCKS. and u know what I hate? I hate that if someone buys someone something for X-mas that THEY feel OBLIGATED to get that person something back. Thats not cool. #1 If I give someone something its not bcuz I'm tryin to get something back!!! Its cuz I want to give it to them... and I hate when people expect something back from me also. Its like this-- if u want to give me something... YAY!!! and if i want to give YOU something... YAY!!! but I hate the X-mas time makes u feel OBLIGATED to do so! I think that IF ANYTHING x-mas time should be for like GIVING to people who are less fortunate or something. Go give some homeless people some food or something instead of buying stuff for people that ALREADY have everything... does that make sense? I dunno maybe i'm just a crack head! hehe I totally know there was no point to this post... but DAMMIT I don't care!!! :) YAY ME!!! hehe so anyways... hehehe sorry! just being bored! DAMMIT bye!! :)

Re: uhh no subject to this one
Posted by amy on Thu Dec 21 02:24:08 2000 (#2131)

I agree with you... Christmas sucks... same with all other holidays, other than halloween. Christmas is the most depressing time for me cuz im always stressed about what to get people, and all the relatives come in, then all the family suppers, and i feel lke such a outcast in my family. and so many people close to me have died around chrsitmas.... it is a horrible holiday. I'd rather be in school then have to celebrate it. You've given me a good idea, instead of worrying about presents, i think im gonna give the money i would of spent to the people who stand outside the mall...

Re: uhh no subject to this one
Posted by SImon on Thu Dec 21 02:43:33 2000 (#2132)

I think this idea might catch on. when i next go to newcastle im going to give a ten pound note to this woman who i see every time im in the main street in Newcastle. £10 is not very much but i have to be realistic - i am a poor student after all thats like a months supply of baked beans and cheap pasta to me. I walk past this woman every day near enough and i never give he a penny. i know i cant solve the entire poverty and homelessness problem in this country all by myself but it still makes me feel really bad when i just ignore her (especially if ive just been for a meal in Burger King cos i was feeling a little peckish)

L8r

SImon

P.S. get a move on with those personal profiles, i need some replies from u lasses (and lads if there are actually any apart from me)

Bye

Re: uhh no subject to this one
Posted by MELISSA on Thu Dec 21 17:32:34 2000 (#2167)

HELL YEAH YOU READ MY MIND GIRL!!! XOXO

MELISSA

The SIte & Things & Stuff
Posted by SImon on Thu Dec 21 01:42:55 2000 (#2124)

I just read one of DB's old messages and thought of another possible name 4 the site...Scarred Angels. I thing it describes u lot perfectly. tell me if u dont agree. If u send me the following details i can make the site but if i dont get some info i cant really give u that much of a mention so like get in touch.

1) Name (Screen name with option of real one) 2) age 3) Ever SIed? (need we bother with this one?) 4) Age SI started 5) Reasons (if u can give them) for starting (abuse or depression or whatever) 6) Method/s of SI 7) Do u want 2 stop right now 8) fave music/films/books etc 9) OH, i suppose location is fairly important 10) wot else.....ummmm...person who u most respect/idolise. oh ok then, just 2 keep u happy...11) fave colour. 12) one last thing...What is in your Cannada?

Post me ur responses if u want to be featured on the site (along with a pic of urself if u feel comfortable with that) and i will get 2 work. Send 2 s.j.richardson@unn.ac.uk or simonisthebest@hotmail.com (i know the name simonisthebest sucks but i couldent think of anythink which had not already been chosen)

I have to spend all bloody night on this project im doing for my BSc Unit, my family have gone 2 bed and i have a couple of fresh, sharp razor blades in my pocket - i give it about 15 minutes. oh well, shit happens.

i just hope i dont run out of long sleves before the washing is done. at least its winter and its not unusual 2 wear them 24/7. I cant think of anything else to write but i would just like to say that i am soo glad i started on this board and i know that u are all amazingly special people with big hearts...(God, if my mates at the pub heard me :)

GTG, Bye

SImon

Re: The SIte & Things & Stuff
Posted by Lost on Thu Dec 21 03:35:17 2000 (#2134)

IIIIIII SENT MINE!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! WOOWEE!!

Re: The SIte & Things & Stuff
Posted by katie on Thu Dec 21 06:03:26 2000 (#2143)

grar my email wasn't cooperating when i tried, but i'll send stuff later.

:)

Re: The SIte & Things & Stuff
Posted by Amy on Thu Dec 21 14:18:19 2000 (#2156)

i was thinking.... that we could have like drawings that we did... and i think someone already said, poems... but, i dont write poems, so i was thinking....drawings would be cool

Another Idea 4 A Site Name
Posted by SImon on Thu Dec 21 01:56:26 2000 (#2126)

Hows about 'Trigger Happy' or is that just plain tasteless? u be the judge.

or 'The PSYKE Self Inury Discussion Board Regular Contributors Personal Profile Web Site' no1 will forget that name im sure!

wots the abbreviation???....er...P.S.Y. K.E.S.I.D.B.R.C.P.P.W.S.

Now were rocking :)

bye

SImon

Re: Another Idea 4 A Site Name
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 21 02:13:18 2000 (#2128)

That sounds better... let me think..

Re: Another Idea 4 A Site Name
Posted by amy on Thu Dec 21 02:18:01 2000 (#2130)

I think... i dont know... they are all good... im gonna try thinging harder so i can contribute to this naming on the website...

Re: Another Idea 4 A Site Name
Posted by laura rose on Thu Dec 21 03:54:49 2000 (#2135)

How about.... The SI Year Book?

just a random thought ~laura

Re: Another Idea 4 A Site Name
Posted by Amy on Thu Dec 21 13:07:02 2000 (#2155)

I like that one best so far....i like it...

Re: Another Idea 4 A Site Name
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 21 15:34:29 2000 (#2159)

What about Fallen Angels? Or Tears from Heaven?

Re: Another Idea 4 A Site Name
Posted by Christine on Thu Dec 21 21:02:18 2000 (#2175)

You read my mind girl!I thought Fallen Angels was a good name.I was thinking of something like that of somethingthat had to do w/ being imperfect,to society that is I think everyone here is perfect enough I like everyone the way they are!

Caffine?
Posted by SImon on Thu Dec 21 02:48:42 2000 (#2133)

Im i the only one to find that after a couple of cups of coffee or a cola binge the need to cut seems that little more inviting. must be an alergy or something...weird. im just interested to know if its just me or if this is really common amoungst u lot.

SImon

Re: Caffine?
Posted by Amy on Thu Dec 21 12:45:57 2000 (#2151)

hey... now that u mention it...yess... im always more jumpy...and ill have lotsa energy, then kinda fall into a whole... stupid coffee

Re: Caffine?
Posted by Amy on Thu Dec 21 12:47:33 2000 (#2152)

hey... now that u mention it...yess... im always more jumpy...and ill have lotsa energy, then kinda fall into a hole and want to cut... stupid coffee

sorry
Posted by amy on Thu Dec 21 12:54:06 2000 (#2153)

what the hell? that first one wasnt supposed to post...sorry

wanting to die
Posted by Christine on Thu Dec 21 05:15:51 2000 (#2141)

I was in the shower and cutting.I had no reason but you know the deal.I was in a kinda trance.My eyes fixated on the blood.I sat in the corner of the shower.I just looked at the razor I had the erge to just tear my self to pieces.I was thinking I'm already dead I might as well end my existence.I'm just living w/ the hope there will be a tomarrow but everynite I know I'm thinking please dont wake up.I dont know I'm kinda feeling wierd right now.I'm confused and fusterated and a bunch of emotions mixed in one.Yesterday I didnt feel anything and my week was going great.I hate living.

Re: wanting to die
Posted by laura roses on Thu Dec 21 06:50:59 2000 (#2145)

I'm sooo sorry to hear that.... I wish there was something i could do to make it better or take it away.... but alas... i have no words like that.... I can only offer you friendship and someone to listen to you when you want to be heard.... I'll email you later... be safe...

~laura

I wrote this.......
Posted by Tara on Thu Dec 21 06:28:25 2000 (#2144)

Hey guys, sorry I have not been posting, I had a rough week, during the time i was not on here, i wrote a poem, I know it's crappy, but It expresses what i was feeling.

Rage Within The rage within is burning out, the inner peace has seized. the complications of living life have finally reahed inside me. why can't we see what we have done to this place, wars continue on wiping out the human race, We're breaking it down from inside out the rage within is tearing out. The inner peace has finally gone a hollow person is left to roam, without a soul that can be blessed, this hollow person's rage has finally left. Well, what do you think, I know it sucks, but when I'm deprived from cutting, it makes me think, I hate thinking, but it does. Sorry for the wasted space.

D.I.E P.M.S~ Laura thanxs !

Special "T"

no such thing as wasted space
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 21 15:41:46 2000 (#2161)

I liked it... :)

I think i need help, guys
Posted by laura rose on Thu Dec 21 07:18:00 2000 (#2147)

well, i was talking to db about this earlier... you know that part in "something i can never have" by NIN that goes "i'm down to just one thing and i'm starting to scare myself"... that's where I'm at right now... I wrote a poem today.. and it scared me... i mean, i usually write graphic things, but i also know that when i do, something bad is about to happen to me.... well here is the poem....

December Girl 12.20.00 Today I sat down and tried to count my scars. One might find that an easy task. But not me. You see, I have thousands of them. Scars upon scars. Each with a different name. A different blame. There are old scars and new ones. They are deep and shallow. Some are faded. This one, I just created. I stopped counting. Somewhere around five hundred. The rest are hidden by the fresh cuts. I've bled for him, for her - I've even bled for you. Not that I would let you know that. But this one - this last cut is for me. I cut all of it out of me. The blood, the memories - the screams on my knees. The rapes, the drugs. The whore eyes I hold for you. I cut it all out of me. First from my wrists. Next comes my throat. Then I turn to you who is on trial. For I see my breath and it's bleeding to death. And all I can do is smile.

So.... that's it... My head is not right... i mean.. I know i'm accepted here.. but these thoughts... guys... you know that when i'm freaked.. it must be something.. then it happened.. i had another rape flashback.. not a familiar one, but a new one... something I had supressed.. and it was awful.. now i just dont know what to do... help me...

~laura

Re: I think i need help, guys
Posted by katie on Thu Dec 21 07:25:23 2000 (#2148)

*hugs* and everything i could ever send you, which isn't enough, but...

all my prayers, and thought, and love, katie

Re: I think i need help, guys
Posted by Yvonne on Thu Dec 21 10:37:14 2000 (#2149)

Sylvia Plath eat your dust. The poem was brilliant. Pain produces beauty sometimes. Look at you. You're one of the most caring and sweet people here. You're simply inspiring.

ps i've always fantasized about biting a guys neck like a vampire but, no ones volunteered yet!(in response to a former post)

yvonne

Re: I think i need help, guys
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 21 15:39:46 2000 (#2160)

Laura, I wish I could take all of the bad memories away from you... Flashbacks are the worst, because just when you think you've faced all of your inner deamons another rears its ugly head to tear you open... Sorry, that was a bit graphic.. but that's what it feels like.. I've been there.. I'm still there, and I would do anything to take it away from you.. I know how scarey it is to have these alien memories floating around in your head... (walks over and gathers Laura in my arms and lets her just shiver and cry...)

Re: I think i need help, guys
Posted by baleigh on Thu Dec 21 17:56:50 2000 (#2168)

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Re: I think i need help, guys
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Dec 21 18:35:18 2000 (#2170)

Laura, You know I love you like family, even more so than some family members, but never mind that! Maybe you need to get the suppressed memories out before you can heal. It's a tough thing, I know, but maybe after it's over, you can move away from it. You always wake up from a nightmare....I'm hoping. Do you talk about the suppression with your counselor? Maybe he can help with more than just the cutting. now go through your huge cd collection and get something that comforts you. Could it be Sarah? Play Good Enough for me, okay? And really listen to it. Know that it's true and you are more than good enough just the way you are and you are loved so much. I'm gathering up my good Karma points again, and I'm sending them your way. If they get you through just one bad memory, they will have lived up to their fullest potential. I LOVE you!

Love, DB (who is looking for Karma under the bed, behind her desk, in her sock drawer....)

We are here for you!!!
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 21 19:05:58 2000 (#2172)

Laura, Let me hold your hand while you relive the awful pain.. Lets walk through this together and take the awful pain away. The more you talk about it the less power it has over you (cliche sorry) I love you sweetheart!!! Nuni

Attention All (esp. christine)
Posted by YvOnNe on Thu Dec 21 10:54:39 2000 (#2150)

Everyone should wear their scars with pride. Can anyone "see" an alcholics liver or "see" a drug addicts brain cells. Who are they to say shit? Society causes these scars and they should wake up and deal with them because there are literally millions of them out there. Simply put, SIing is becoming very common and the general public is going to have to wake up and accept it and deal with what its created. It's not just any one person, like it feels when you're alone and cutting. MILLIONS are out there every day doing the same thing and feeling ashamed and embarresed about it when they shouldn't beat themselves up constantly. It's no different from taking a drink, popping a pill, or shooting up. Life just hurts period and it hurts everyone. Those scars make us real. And they mean we're still here.

(to my sister) yvonne

Re: Attention All (esp. christine)
Posted by Christine on Thu Dec 21 20:57:29 2000 (#2174)

Awww I feel special.The other day I wore a short sleeve shirt to school I wore a sweat shirt over it but I was getting hot,I took my sweater of and I didnt care because at the moment I was in the back of the room w/ my friends.I needed something I just got up and walked to the front of the room.I was suprized but no one looked at the scars covering my bare arms.It felt good and if it wasnt so cold I'd do it again.the next warm day I might try walking down the hall.I think alot of people know I cut but have never sceen me in a short sleave shirt or any of my scars.theres a first time for everything

my mom is a bitch
Posted by Amy on Thu Dec 21 13:03:06 2000 (#2154)

Well, last nite my mom went on the computer and looked at my bookmarks. She went to all of them, i assume, and this one too. She told me this morning. She came downstiars while I was in a short sleeved shirt, and all i could do was try to cover up my arms and hands. she stood there for 1/2 hour. saying stuff like, you're not doing your homework, if you need help just say, and torturing me to the point that i felt like taking a razor and cutting a deep one right infront of her. Now im scarred to go to school cuz i know shes gonna search my room while im gone, and what will she find? my box.. actually, shes probably reading this right now, if she did write down this address, i hope not. I have erased all my bookmarks in a attemp to say i have a friend who cuts, and that its not me... at least im not completely lieing. I don't know what to do. I know she's going to make me a appointment with the school counsellor... and then the assistant principal will come, and she hates me so much. Im so freaked out, all i want to do is cut. What should I do?

Re: my mom is a bitch
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 21 15:46:15 2000 (#2162)

What ever you do, Amy, don't cut when you're upset... you'll cut much worse then... be carful, hon... I'm sorry you're having to go through this... maybe if you keep a low profile it'll blow over.. Keep us posted, okay?

Re: my mom is a bitch
Posted by laura rose on Thu Dec 21 18:10:45 2000 (#2169)

Amy... I'm sorry that happened to you... this may be the unpopular thing to say, but that never stopped me before. Well hon.. your mom probably is worried about you and she has every right to be. She is checking up on you and that's a horrible feeling... but if you think of the motives behind it.. My mom used to go through my room too... and I HATED it.. man... i wanted to kill her for it. But looking back.. I think she needed to kind the things she found, because I was in to some pretty bad stuff. I always said that I would never spy on my own child, but now that I have one.. you know what? If I thought he was in trouble or in to harmful things, and he wouldnt talk to me about it... I'm sorry.. but I would do it too. If I didnt.. and something happened to him that I could have forseen and prevented... I would have to live with that the rest of my life... so my suggestion is, if you don't want her to see it, get it out of your room. Hide it in another part of the house or something. But she's always going to look in your room... that's what moms do.. and in todays world... man... kids need an armed guard just to take them to school.. she's just trying to keep you as safe as she can... I hope she didn't find out about this site though.. because this may actually be a place where you can get some help and support, and if she were to cut you off from here, that may not be too smart of an idea on her part. take care

~laura

Re: my mom is a bitch
Posted by amy on Fri Dec 22 02:59:29 2000 (#2180)

Yea, she says she's getting rid of the internet, and i through most of my stuff in my locker tomorrow, but after tomorrow, theres no more school, and i dont know where to put it. Whenever I'm around her she asks to see my arms, and follows me everywhere, which just makes me want to cut more and more... and i have... ive cut more than ever before, and deep. I've been doing it way to much, the razors are even getting a bit dull. and i doubt it'll blow over.... she doesnt let up on things easily... but o well. i dont know what else to say...bye

British people?
Posted by iain on Thu Dec 21 16:59:59 2000 (#2163)

Hello,

in a better mood today. I just wanted to ask if anyone was british.

It's just i have a book coming out next year. Main character self-harms (he's a rent boy).

Wondering if anyone would be interested. I suppose Americans could order it too, from British amazon.

I'm racked by self-doubt, i'm scared the book will sell one copy, and that'll be the ony my mum orders from her library.

Anyway, see you

Iain

Re: British people?
Posted by SImon on Thu Dec 21 17:31:26 2000 (#2166)

Im from Newcastle (well Durham really but that does not really count cos it sucks there) If u tell me what ur books called i may well order i copy (as long as it is a cheap paperback - im a student so i usually cant bring myself to buy anything which costs more that a pint does) I think that it is about time people, well society as a whole was more open about the whole cutting taboo im sick of being labeled as a freak or people finding out and being really polite and 'understanding' and then avoiding me completely afterwards...where was i? God knows! Anyways, gtg now. Good look with the book m8 SImon

Re: British people?
Posted by Michael on Thu Dec 21 20:15:25 2000 (#2173)

hiya, i'm 17 and from Manchester...been coming here about 2 weeks...and that's about as intersting as my life gets....oh, and i cut cya Michael

Re: British people?
Posted by Beautiful and Dying on Fri Dec 22 00:10:05 2000 (#2177)

Yeah, good luck honey, i'm a grrrl from the UK CHANNEL BOREDOM too... doesn't it suck... i bet your book's beautiful, make sure you do a post when it comes out, i love to read, and i'd really like to check it out! glitter kisses xxxxxxxxxx

Re: British people?
Posted by Butterfly on Fri Dec 22 21:38:31 2000 (#2195)

I'm 18 and british, i've been coming here for quite a while now, but i've only posted 3 times i think. Good luck with your book.

OUR WEBSITE
Posted by MELISSA on Thu Dec 21 18:37:03 2000 (#2171)

I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE AN ENTRY PARAGRAPH YOU KNOW? TO LIKE EXPLAIN THINGS, ESPECIALLY THE CANADA THING. I KINDA LIKE THINGS ORGANIZED. JUST A THOUGHT. MELISSA

the nightmare rides on....
Posted by Beautiful and Dying baby! on Fri Dec 22 00:05:55 2000 (#2176)

thank you you little honeys, awww, it's too lovely of you to be like you are, thanks. I love H@LE! and the manics! and idlewild, so all you who noticed, you're lovely... it's really good to know people who care, so thanks, god i keep saying thanks, forgive me... locate stronger at www.geocities.com/cut_the_trut h if you wanna see what it's all about cut myself today, was meant to be stopping for my new baby boyfriend, hmmm...he won't last long when he finds it out...oh well, he should probably hate me anyway, nevermind... have to hide it from parents... yuck... anyway, enough rambles (i can rant for Britain i swear!) thanks again, you are all much appreciated courtney's book rocks! stay strong xxxxxxxxxxxx

a poem...
Posted by Michael on Fri Dec 22 01:21:18 2000 (#2178)

I wrote a poem for English at college. It got an A+...

They sit, alone. Feint marks streak Cold pale skin, a lasting reminder of the past. Stigmata stripes, deep red, are all too black and white, Lonely labels of a youth gone too fast.

Sharp visions return, then retreat. You are sane, yet not to others with thoughts inane. Escape through improvement and existence, a simple way to feel warm again.

Some picture themselves in a weary dream, a sylvan. Hope, happines and a place to belong always turns out to be another idyl, they are happy to live hastily. I cannot live with mediocrity.

Re: a poem...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Dec 22 02:48:45 2000 (#2179)

No wonder you got an A+! That's beautiful and haunting. Do you write a lot? I do. Here's my stuff: http://nav.to/butterfly120 if you want to read anything.

Love, DB

Re: a poem...
Posted by blue rose on Fri Dec 22 03:28:37 2000 (#2181)

...beautiful...that's all i can say...

..
Posted by laura rose on Fri Dec 22 10:49:38 2000 (#2183)

goodbye ~laura

Re: ..
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 22 15:31:24 2000 (#2184)

Oh Ok, I have been feeling the same way lately. Good bye.

Re: ..
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 22 18:04:59 2000 (#2188)

well if u ever end up reading this girl... remember what I said about cameron. take care. I don't really know what to say. :(

Re: ..
Posted by blue rose on Fri Dec 22 20:15:19 2000 (#2193)

Where are you going?

Cutter's profiles web site
Posted by SImon on Fri Dec 22 16:00:31 2000 (#2185)

Ok i have got a lot of profiles and pictures of you people (could still do with a few more - u know who u are!) and, although it will still be a while before i get the site up and running i just want to know who wants what publishing about them because i guess that some of u may not be 'out' about SI and may not want full names and photos knocking about on that big world wide web thingy. oh and i just realized that i have not shared my answers to the profile questions yet so im going to get on with doing that and will post it when im done

SImon

Re: Cutter's profiles web site
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 22 17:26:00 2000 (#2187)

Simon, E-mail me please. I am having some issues about this whole commercialization with our mess board. I mean this is our safe haven. What is your motive. Are you a cutter? Well i know these questions probably dont sound serious to you, but write me oK??

Re: Cutter's profiles web site
Posted by Baleigh on Fri Dec 22 21:58:09 2000 (#2196)

Go aheead and do what you please with anythign I gave ya! : )

Here is my profile
Posted by SImon on Fri Dec 22 16:20:35 2000 (#2186)

1) Name SImon Richardson 2) age 18 3) Ever SIed? too much (did in the pub toilets twice last night - bad idea!) 4) Age SI started : i kind of did little si stuff all my life (drank the stuff kept under the sink when i was little but i dont think that counts) started actually cutting myself regularly Noverber 1999 5) Reasons (if u can give them) for starting (abuse or depression or whatever) i was not put through any abuse or anything (exept being told i was stupid or not trying hard enough all my pre-adelesant life due to unrecognised dyslexia) actually apart from the ex-alco bipolar dad my life is fairly normal. i just get waves of crushing depression and i sometimes used to get suicidal (like once a year or 2 yaer i would try to top myself (and fail!) )but then i started digging my nails really hard into my wrist and that felt a little better. i knew a friend who cut with blades and promised myself i would 'never get into that kind of crazy shit' well, here i am. 6) Method/s of SI: started by digging my nails in (actually a couple of years before that i used to pull my hair really hard untill it hurl a lot but that stopped when bits started comming out) then i moved on to the steriotypical razor blades on the arms (im such a cliche!) 7) Do u want 2 stop right now : i dont get suicidal anymore so thats i good thing (kinda) and i have stoped pretending that i actually want to stop (which, in itself is making me feel less guilty for the whole cutting thing and making me want to do it less - u lot should try it!) 8) fave music/films/books etc music: Music:NIN, MM, Green Day's older stuff Machine head and any of the many songs about si (if u listen to lyrics there are hundreds. eg. last resort by Papa Roach. Films: the crow. Books: The Wasp Factory and Complicity by Iain Banks 9) OH, i suppose location: UK (Durham/Newcastle - cos of uni) 10) wot else.....ummmm...person who u most respect/idolise. has 2 be Trent Reznor 11) fave colour: yellow (iknow im unconversional but if i said blood red on a black background i would have to cut again) 12) one last thing...What is in your Cannada? a Jackson guitar and a huge fuck-off amp system (and some sound-proof walls i guess) and a load of cds and some punks to jam with. and a girlfriend who i dont have to be strong for and who wont get freaked out by the state of my left arm (if she exists)

Re: Here is my profile
Posted by MELISSA on Fri Dec 22 18:44:10 2000 (#2190)

SIMON GUESS WHAT? I HAVE TRENT REZNORS AUTOGRAPH I WOULD BE GLAD TO GIVE IT TO YOU, I WISH I COULD. XOXO (I LIKE YOU, HEHE YOUR COOL) LOVE PEACE N CHICKEN GREASE...

MELISSA

Re: Here is my profile
Posted by amy on Sat Dec 23 08:53:43 2000 (#2214)

wooa.... u met him? ohhh..... do i ever envy you.

Rejection
Posted by Kate on Fri Dec 22 18:27:03 2000 (#2189)

This doesn't have anything to do with cutting but i have a question. I finally confronted this guy who I was sort of seeing who just stopped talking to me a while back. He was good looking but too much of a pretty boy. He wasn't my type and I wasn't his. He went for this typical blonde and I was left a lone. Well last night I saw him and we talked and I told him how angry he made me not because he didn't want me as a girlfriend but becuase we were friends and he just stopped calling out of the blue. He apologized and reassured me that it wasn't me it was just that we were too opposite. I mean I don't want to be like him or the girls he dates. They all like Brittany Spears. He is 25 going on 17. He spends more time on his hair than probably this whole board combined. But why do i feel like shit. I feel like my heart was ripped out and thrown on the floor. I didn't really like him in that way but i hate being rejected. I don't stand why I feel this way. I ended up drinking at the bar with him and our friends and then I went home. This morning I woke up with a hangover and strangely a broken heart. Why is this happening? Did I have feelings for this guy or do I know I am probably destined to be a lone becuase nobody will ever love. There is someone for everyone but me. Sorry about the long drawn out message. I just needed to vent. Thanks Kate

Re: Rejection
Posted by melissa on Sat Dec 23 07:11:24 2000 (#2207)

kate honey, muah. i dont think you liked him. maybe it was that you werent a typical blonde or whatever and he still talked to you. and like that made you feel good...but i didnt last like you wanted it to. just a thought. but you know what i dont think there is someone for everybody i think that out of everybody we find someone that we can "deal" with, flaws and all. ... that could actually be "love"., because who actually knows what "love" is. its just a strong feeling (good) that you have for someone right? well if you strongly feel that you can "deal" with a certain person everyday for a real long time and he/she makes you smile every now and then, thats good right? so why cant that be love? who says you have to fall head over heals for someone and get hurt all the time to be in love? if thats love, its not all its cracked up to be. so dont be so down abotu not finding someone to love or someone finding you, maybe its that nerd in science class that no one likes, i heard he chews w/his mouth closed you know? and he never belches out loud oh and he always opens the door for the ladies... you can deal w/that right?

sorry if this made no sense, just rambling i guess.

melissa

LAURA AND NUNI
Posted by MELISSA on Fri Dec 22 18:51:06 2000 (#2191)

OH COME ON YOU GUYS, THATS NOT FAIR. HEY, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL REALLY I DO. DONT BE SELL OUTS, WE NEED YOU GUYS HERE. I MEAN YOUR PART OF THE GROUP, YOUVE BEEN EXCEPTED. YOU WANT TO TURN BACK NOW? FINE GO AHEAD, I OF ALL PEOPLE AM NOT GONNA STOP YOU. I MEAN I HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK, I JUST GOT OUT OF A MENTAL INSTITUTE FOR "ATEMPTED SUICIDE" BUT YOU KNOW ITS NOT FAIR TO LEAVE US IN CANADA W/O YOU. I MEAN IT WONT WORK UNLESS WE'RE ALL THERE. PLUS IF I HAVE TO SUFFER WITH EVERYDAY LIFE JUST LIKE THE REST OF THESE SI'ERS, THEN YOU CAN TO RIGHT? NO GET YOU BUTTY BACK IN HERE RIGHT THIS MOMENT BEFORE I TELL MOM ON YOU TWO. LOVE ALWAYS...ME

MELISSA

Re: LAURA AND NUNI
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Dec 22 20:02:35 2000 (#2192)

Melissa's right. Please don't leave. I know I'm being selfish, but I can't help it, I love you both. Please don't give me a a reason to dread next Christmas.....

Love, DB

I'm scared now..
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Dec 22 20:30:30 2000 (#2194)

I'm sorry I can't fix all these problems. I want to so much, but I'm helpless. I get so afraid when someone just says good-bye. No explanation, nothing... Do you know how that feels to love you people and then have two of you just say good-bye without a word? I know I haven't had it that bad, but it's hard for me to lose people, too. I can't help it if I'm just an optimist at heart. I happen to believe that all of us will be okay someday. I have to believe it, even if I have doubts that I will make it sometimes. I believe it anyway, because it's all I have! I fucking need that lie about myself!!! If anyone is offended, then I'm sorry. You always hurt the ones you love.....I'm no exception. But, damn it, I'm hurting so bad. I will NOT cut myself, though. I ain't giving in yet. If I go down, I'll go down kicking. I WILL make it to the 29th and it will be one month since I've cut myself. Then I'll aim for January 29th, and March 1st...I refuse to die from this. I won't let it take me. I don't want to be weak anymore and I'm sick to death of hating myself when I haven't done anything wrong. I offer no apologies for that. No one should apologise for it. So what now? What do we do? All I wanted was to be able to help, you know? That's all I ever wanted. This is the first place where I felt like I belonged and that was a good feeling. I could talk about anything I wanted and it would be okay because someone would be there for me. anyway, I'll still be here...

Love, DB

Re: I'm scared now..
Posted by Baleigh on Fri Dec 22 22:02:20 2000 (#2197)

I love you love you love you! : P Hehehe... sorry! Just thougth being silly would perhaps make you feel better!

Virgin
Posted by Kate on Sat Dec 23 03:21:29 2000 (#2198)

Since I missed the sex topic which I am sorry I did, I just want to say that I am a 22 year old virgin so nobody needs to feel bad. I feel like the most pathetic person on the planet. I am not against sex but i can't keep a boyfriend long enough to have it. I guess if I find someone love it will be special.

Re: Virgin
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Dec 23 03:52:52 2000 (#2199)

I'm a 23 year old virgin. Don't feel bad!

Love, DB

Re: Virgin
Posted by Linda on Sat Dec 23 06:03:14 2000 (#2200)

Hey girls, There is nothing wrong with virginity. It is a blessing that you two have been able to save yourselves for the one that will be your mate. That is one thing that given away, can never be taken back. Don't be fooled by those that would make you feel bad about that. I'll bet if you would poll the group you would find quite a few who wish they could go back to virginity.

Re: Virgin
Posted by MELISSA on Sat Dec 23 06:20:08 2000 (#2201)

ME ME ME. I WISH I WAS A VIRGIN. IM ALMOST 16 BUT I LOST IT A WHILE AGO (14). I LOVE MARCUS THOUGH. I WISH I WOULD HAVE LOST IT TO HIM. UMM.. DO YOU COUNT RAPE AS HAVING SEX? LETS SAY SOMEONE LOST IT THAT WAY, OR WHEN ASKED (FOR EX.) HOW MANT PARTNERS THEY HAVE HAD, SHOULD THEY COUNT A PERSON WHO HAS RAPED THEM? JUST WONDERING...

LOVE PEACE N CHICKEN GREASE, MELISSA

Re: Virgin
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 23 06:28:23 2000 (#2202)

hey you..sorry for the scare earlier!!! ;) this whole virginity thing I had to jump IN... Lets just say that if I could turn back time I would most definitely have waited. It is a precious thing that I think (too late) should be held on to as long as possible. I felt obligated to go all the way with this guy because I was afraid of being abandoned. I had no where to go you see (16 years old) so I think he took advantage of that. His parents were my foster parents, he was 19 years old.. but he told me he loved me. Its called being too naive and scared to say no...anyhow(yawn sorry) it is a wonderful thing to give it to someone that you believe in wholeheartedly and you just know. Like I said if I could do it all again I would have waited for my husband.. anyway sorry to lecture. I care about you guys..I love you Nuni what I am trying to say is there is nothing wrong with being a virgin

Re: Virgin
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Dec 23 16:59:47 2000 (#2215)

Man-o-man! I feel like such a slut... and I'm still a virgin! I think that it's wonderful that you guys can keep it for so long. Good Lord... I was about ready to give it up after 3 weeks! BUT... he quit talking to me (LoL... he's all I ever talk about) so therefore it's kinda hard to have sex with him! Oh well....

Re: Virgin
Posted by blue rose on Sat Dec 23 20:15:45 2000 (#2223)

I missed the sex topic too. I'm a 19 year old slut. But, unlike most people, I have no regrets. None, and I'm not just in denial either. I really wouldn't take back a single moment of my entire life, especially the sex. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin, but sex is nothing to be afraid of.

stay safe (in all things you do)

Re: Virgin
Posted by Lost on Sat Dec 23 22:52:50 2000 (#2225)

hey, I'm a slut to! Well compared to a lot of u guys!! I lost my virginity when I was 13. A lot of the guys I've had sex with were people that I had met that day or a couple of days earlier. I don't know if i REGRET it really.... cuz like it didn't really HURT me or whatever. and it was my decision so I guess I go with blue rose on the not regretting part. And also that its nothing to be afraid of-- as long as you're ready. I dunno who the hell am i to be saying that stuff anyway.

Re: Virgin
Posted by Kate on Sat Dec 23 23:58:32 2000 (#2226)

I don't think you guys are sluts at all. You are comfortable with sex so you have. It doesn't matter. I just hate girls who sleep around as a weapon and with other girls boyfriends. Like those girls on Jerry Spinger. I guess I can't find love to want to have a sexual relationship.

Re: Virgin
Posted by Baleigh on Sun Dec 24 00:06:56 2000 (#2227)

I'm scared shitless of sex! God... it freaks me out... and I'm just flat out terrified! That's why I thought it was so odd that I almost did it.

FOR CHRISTINE
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 23 06:35:44 2000 (#2203)

sorry for the delay..I hope your Christmas dinner went well. I ve been feeling a bit dark lately...(half smiling) anyhow, I would love to go visit OUR Canada and I will share my bean bag with you and we can EAT popcorn and watch a really mushy movie, and Laura, DB, Lost, marie, maggie, can all make fun of us becuase we have curlers in our hair, and we are wearing mud masks, and UMM, anyway get the picture..how did I think I could let go of you guys. anyway HUGS to you sweetheart you are beautiful.. Love, Nuni

OOPS
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 23 06:37:08 2000 (#2204)

I may have forgotten a few people.. Melissa, Baleigh, loved..umm all of us are there!!

Re: OOPS
Posted by melissa on Sat Dec 23 06:48:41 2000 (#2205)

thanx for remembering me. hehe me

Re: OOPS
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Dec 23 17:01:25 2000 (#2216)

NO ONE LOVES ME!!!! Lol... I'm kidding!

sometimes
Posted by melissa on Sat Dec 23 06:54:14 2000 (#2206)

sometimes i feel kinda left out of the group here. i dunno. i cant make it here all the time i wish i could , but my life sux and its hard to explain. but i cant respond to everything, and im so far behind on some things i cant help it. like our canada, i wasnt here for all the conversations and i wasnt here when it was thought up, so i havent participated and made responses to all af them. im not included in alot of special conversations. im not trying to say wait for me or feel bad or anything, just that i wantyou to plz remember even if im a little late i always read everything and i always have and always will. and i try and respond to all of them to so just look for me every now and then, it would make me feel real nice. muah xoxo

always, melissa

Re: sometimes
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 23 07:12:11 2000 (#2208)

Girl!! You need not say more. You are in our thoughts. I think a lot of us were down when the whole Canada thing came about, but like you said read and add where you feel you can. Because of you saying that I can admit I have been there before. We all belong here, I mean we fit in...

Re: sometimes
Posted by Lost on Sat Dec 23 07:12:26 2000 (#2209)

hey slut bucket, u know I keep a look-out for ur stank ass! :) And about Canada, SO WHAT if u weren't here to talk about it, ur STILL coming. hehe I'll go to ur house and kidnap u and stick u in my suitcase and ur parents won't even know!! And about u being late to respond and stuff, better late than never right? RIGHT! SO THERE!!! Don't feel left out cuz like I don't think ANYONE is really left out here... so SHADDUP and love us! cuz WE LOVE U (even tho u smell)!

Re: sometimes
Posted by melissa on Sat Dec 23 07:19:36 2000 (#2210)

i LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEE you. you always make me laugh.

love peace n chicken grease

slut bucket hehe

chicken grease ;)
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 23 07:26:59 2000 (#2211)

what the heck?? so FUNNY!!! hahaahah you two are a pair!! She's right we do love you

Amen Melissa
Posted by YvOnNe on Sat Dec 23 07:49:25 2000 (#2212)

I'm with you. The board is getting to be a little too much like a chat room, where people make you feel left out if you're not "one of them". New people need to be able to feel like they're WANTED here and not like their are just 5 or 6 people who count.

I read every single new post and even check on the suicide board because i care and completely understand morbid depression and wanting to dye. It makes me feel slightly useful if i can write to someone in pain and remind them its okay and they're not alone.

So ive self pitied myself to death. those who read this probably wont care. i dont matter anymore here than in the real world. just something special about me. i really would like to know why i dont seem to have a reason to be here.

i truly wish the best to (all) of you. as the chosen group that you've become you seem to be doing well together.

yvonne

Re: Amen Melissa (hang on Miss Yvonne!!)
Posted by Nuni on Sat Dec 23 08:01:58 2000 (#2213)

I dont think so Miss Yvonne, you cant get off that easy. we all came here w/ an intention to feel less alone. we were all new at one pint, you have to search for the little crack. i think we have this way of allowing ourselves to feel left out. it has probably been a big part ouf our lives, all of our lives.. Cutting isnt a big "in crowd" thing. Here we are friends, ALL OF US!!

Re: Amen Melissa
Posted by Baleigh on Sat Dec 23 17:07:39 2000 (#2217)

Please don't take this the wrong way but... how can we get to know you if you won't let us? I mean... I've been here for a month and a half (I think) and I'm just now to the point to where I feel comfy! It just takes some time! And one way to start to get into the swing of things is to respond to even some of the most out there posts... even if it's just a little one liner! At least then we'd hear from ya! You know?

Re: Amen Melissa
Posted by MAAAAAAAAANNNN on Sat Dec 23 20:00:50 2000 (#2220)

Well its like this. I don't see it becoming like a chat room AT ALL. I think maybe it seems that way because we're not talking about depressing things ALL THE TIME. But who wants to be somewhere where everyones always sad? You know, I've been coming here for 9 months (I think I've been here the longest out of everyone that still comes here...) ... and I've barely come to feel like I'm accepted. The reason that you might feel left out is because you NEVER post. You gotta step up in there and post post post! :) Just be yourself. don't be scared to join us. We welcome everyone... but we can't hold everyones hand. You have to come to us. It takes time for us to get to know u. and if u don't post... we won't know u. Its up to u... but you're welcome here.

SORRY!!! hehehe
Posted by Lost on Sat Dec 23 20:02:01 2000 (#2221)

that last post that said MAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN was supposed to be the SUBJECT. hehehe it was from me! :) yayayyayayaya. just to let u guys know.

(Clears Throat) Announcement!!!
Posted by Linda on Sat Dec 23 19:14:55 2000 (#2218)

I just had to do this!! I want to put my nomination in for the most considerate person on the board(knowing all along that there are really a LOT of you) BUT I just wanted you all to know about the sweetest blessing I received today. Right in the middle of cleaning up dog poop in the basement from the german shepherd and dog puke out of the living room from the toy fox terrier(MY LIFE IS A CIRCUS!!!), my husband went out to get the mail and when I came up there on the table was a little box I had been expecting from my friend, Kay (Lost)...........friends, I want you to know that I am still crying about it. It was so precious. She made me the sweetest Christmas card and she even went above her limits that she set on me about the religion thing and included a verse of scripture. Sweetheart, YOU are the best!!! I have come to know you and accept you like my own child. Just wanted everyone else to know how thoughtful you were!! Now, about the not feeling a part of the group.......this is the way I figure it....I have gotten really busy during the holidays and have not been able to post as much....in a way there has been a lot going on and I kind of feel a little behind, but I am a part of the group anytime I want to interject myself!!! LOL Ya can't get rid of me!! So you girls and guys don't be shy...this group is awesome and they will accept you no matter!!!! Love to all and Merry Christmas, Linda

Re: (Clears Throat) Announcement!!!
Posted by Lost on Sat Dec 23 20:02:52 2000 (#2222)

yayayayayayyayayayayayayayay! hehe

Re: (Clears Throat) Announcement!!!
Posted by MELISSA on Sun Dec 24 03:22:31 2000 (#2231)

YOU ARE THE GREATEST. XOXO

MELISSA

Canada
Posted by Linda on Sat Dec 23 19:22:18 2000 (#2219)

HEY!!! You guys are forgetting about Aunt Linda.....remember, I was going to be there to provide hugs and acceptance and spiritual guidance. In my room there will be lots of books and spiritual hangings. Maybe I will have a few paintings by Thomas Kincade there. I sure want it to be light and airy and sunshiny. Andddddddddddd my room will be open to anyone who needs me at any time. If anyone has nightmares, my bed will be a giant king size bed and they can slip in the bed with mom and we will cuddle up until the morning........yikes, I just remembered that I can hardly stand that anymore......My three children each did that until they were 5 or 6 years old, but now if I cuddle up to anyone for any length of time I start sweating.......OLD AGE.....what a bummer!!!! Oh well, you get the point!1 Love you guys. Linda

Re: Canada
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sat Dec 23 20:43:31 2000 (#2224)

Thomas Kincade has the most beautiful paintings. I like his gazebo painting the best and the Autumn Gate. Simply beautiful!

Love, DB

Guys, guys everywhere...
Posted by Baleigh on Sun Dec 24 00:16:37 2000 (#2228)

... but not a one to love!

I *SUCK* (I really wish you could click on a button so you oculd hear how I want 'suck' to sound... the ** just don't cut it) I'm in a bit of a pickle. I mean... what's my deal? I don't think I'm *that* ugly... I hope I'm not ugly... but WHY, oh why why why, can I not get a guy? I can get guys... not the ones I want though. Like... most of my friends are guys... but that's just it! FRIENDS... FRIENDS is the keyword here. And what happens you ask... THEY like me. Not the non-friend guys... only the friends. And Im sorry but I'm not just going to settle for one of them... ick... no way! That's as bad as voluntarily making out with my dad or something. Bleh! I know that no one cares... but oh well... just thougth I'd ramble your ears of for a bit!

Re: Guys, guys everywhere...
Posted by Michael on Sun Dec 24 00:31:52 2000 (#2229)

Forgive me if this sounds bad, or silly or whatever...i'm a bit drunk...best way to be really....anwyay, you're 16 aren't you? Sorry if i'm, wrong....i went through the same feelings, everyone is your friend but not your lover...basically, all i can say is don't worry about it...do not think you are left out or that you aren't good looking enough or anything like that. I know it sounds cliched and stuff, but there will be someone out there on your wavelength, someone who understands you, someone who likes you for who you are, and who is not looking for physical fullfilment for one night. I know from personal experience. There are more important things to think about...being involved with someone brings a whole new load of responsibilties with it..i'm sorry if i sound patronising, i've read your read posts and i know there was some guy once...and responsiblities can be really tiring and a bloody drag sometimes. I'm really sorry if this sounds like i'm being parental or patronising or anything, sorry...it's just that i've been there. Don't get *too* down about it. There's now need, even if it feels like there is.

Love(in the most plutonic and caring way, heh) Michael

Re: Guys, guys everywhere...
Posted by Lost on Sun Dec 24 01:10:55 2000 (#2230)

DAMMIT at least SOMEONE likes you! I have NO GUYS that like me!! NONE NONE NONE. count them... ZERO!! woowee! :) well I have the guy that I love (who is in jail--LONG story) and he loves me (so he SAYS) but I know that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. i used to be REAL skinny when me and him first got together (almost 3 yrs ago) and like now I've gained 498320854749857349857349857398 759348753498574938751984720285 4474632 and a half pounds! And i totally know that he thinks i'm ugly he just would NEVER actually admit to it. Anyway... baleigh-dawg u'll find urself a nice thug in your life :) and until then... just at least be happy that SOMEONE likes u. and YOU ARE VERY PRETTY so shaddup dammit! :)

Re: Guys, guys everywhere...
Posted by Baleigh on Sun Dec 24 17:50:21 2000 (#2244)

I think it's to the point to where I'd rather no one like me than this certain guy! How horrible is that? I'm such a bitch!

Re: Guys, guys everywhere...
Posted by Baleigh on Sun Dec 24 17:48:25 2000 (#2243)

LoL... no... I know exactly what you mean. I feel so silly all the time... I know that I'm only 16... and that all the stupid relationships that I'm gonna have until I'm like... 20 aren't going to be worth shit... or even my time. I don't think it's the relationship so much that I'm after... I think it's the affection! I mean... I go through some wicked kiss withdrawls... oh well though! LoL... I dunno! : )

Re: Guys, guys everywhere...
Posted by blue rose on Sun Dec 24 08:13:20 2000 (#2238)

Let me tell you something I've found out about love: WAY over-rated, I promise. To find someone to care about and hold on to and talk to and touch and know is really not all it's cracked up to be. You have to be comfortable being alone before you can seriously care about someone else without any (subconscience) selfish intent. If you can't be comfortable on your own then you will just become co-dependant and the relationship will be pure HELL. This may not make sense right now, but think about it before you depress yourself. There are many many many more important things to waste your time thinking about.

stay safe

Re: Guys, guys everywhere...
Posted by Kate on Tue Dec 26 02:07:36 2000 (#2274)

I am in the exact situation you are in. I feel your pain.

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