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Threads 601 to 650

MARCUS
Posted by MELISSA on Sun Dec 24 03:28:40 2000 (#2232)

its over. we broke up. i dont know whats happening. i love him so much it hurts. why do things always get sooooo fucked up. im scared. and im so sad. what do i do. why do i cry?

melissa

Re: MARCUS
Posted by Lost on Sun Dec 24 03:39:03 2000 (#2233)

TALK TO ME!!! write me an e-mail! and girl SORRY for not being there today.... I've been under a lot of stress bcuz my dad is in his typical "its the holidays and I'm not happy so I gotta make sure no one else is happy asshold, I'm a dick" type mood. YAY.

sjgfawehirywhgfilyarjwbr
Posted by melissa on Sun Dec 24 03:44:41 2000 (#2234)

you know when you have these blurry thoughts that you cant put together? or when you are thinking something and you want to say it sooo bad but you want to be asked or someone to read your mind? it happenes to me all the time. i made this list the other night, i wanted him to atleast ask me what i was writing, he knew i was very sad or whatever i was, but he never did. so i want to put it up here:

THINGS I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT

EVER AGAIN sarah (his ex) marcus and sarah cutting suicide marcus doing things behind my back lying sex people thinking bad thoughts school plans tomarrow money drugs worrying who to tell what doctors hospitals responsibilities driving holidays moving (me or others) judging friends being cool cloths SLEEP weight acne appearance organization compulsivness relationships pain hurt heart break fighting wanting needing hoping wishing dreaming speaking my mind happiness agrivation depression confussion FEELINGS!!! the past the future people being crazy being myself being someone else caring not caring fitting in making others happy parents siblings life death fairness wanting people to know to ask me to want me to need me to hold me to love me to feel good...

Re: sjgfawehirywhgfilyarjwbr
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Sun Dec 24 05:00:54 2000 (#2235)

Thanks for saying what I couldn't.

Love, DB

Re: sjgfawehirywhgfilyarjwbr
Posted by MELISSA on Sun Dec 24 05:28:24 2000 (#2236)

THANK YOU FOR READING. PLEASE HELP ME SOME ONE COME TO ME AND HELP ME IM FALLING APART

Re: sjgfawehirywhgfilyarjwbr
Posted by Lost on Sun Dec 24 05:32:08 2000 (#2237)

girl i'm like here.. and u JUST posted this... but ur not on AIM get on dammit!!

Re: sjgfawehirywhgfilyarjwbr
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Dec 25 00:48:19 2000 (#2252)

Would that I could be there....I cannot. I'm sorry, but please know you are loved and we would all be there if possible. Hope you'll be okay. You're stronger than you know. I love you very much.

Love, DB

Re: sjgfawehirywhgfilyarjwbr
Posted by blue rose on Sun Dec 24 08:19:43 2000 (#2239)

think about raindrops on roses and wiskers on kittens...i don't remember the rest of the song. dammit. oh well, you get the idea. email me...get on IM...blah...i feel helpless...ILU

Re: sjgfawehirywhgfilyarjwbr
Posted by Baleigh on Sun Dec 24 17:53:54 2000 (#2245)

Awww! I really hope that you feel better! I'm a horrible person when it comes to comforting... so just feel better damnit! : ) Love ya!

Re: sjgfawehirywhgfilyarjwbr
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 25 01:26:25 2000 (#2258)

Hi Sweetheart, I feel you, I mean those words run in circles in my head too. Accept they are so loud I feel out of control Like others can hear them, they just hurt, but you arent sure how to handle them. I am here for you too, ALL of you! Big Sis, Bruna P.S. That goes for all the new comers, I am the big sis. like Linda is the Auntie. I care about you guys.

Hello, I'm new here
Posted by Andrea on Sun Dec 24 10:44:08 2000 (#2240)

Hello everybody!!

I'm a 20 year old girl from Germany, cutting myself since 6 years now. I'm just searching a few people who are like me. I hope I'll understand most of the postings here...:-) I often visit the germann site www.versteckte-scham.de which is also about SI.

Much greetings from rainy germany

Andrea

Re: Hello, I'm new here
Posted by Michael on Sun Dec 24 15:17:00 2000 (#2241)

Hello! I don't feel like i've been here long enough to be able to welcome people...i'm michael, 17 (18 ish), from England blah blah blah.....SI for a couple of years...hehe...it's good here, you'll like it. Michael

Re: Hello, I'm new here
Posted by Baleigh on Sun Dec 24 17:55:31 2000 (#2246)

WOW!!!! Germany! Wish I was there... anywhere but here! LoL... welcome! : )

Re: Hello, I'm new here
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 25 01:42:49 2000 (#2262)

WELCOME!!! and Michael you can too welcome anyone. You forgot to tell Andrea she has a room waiting for her in CANADA...;)

christmas
Posted by Lost on Sun Dec 24 17:20:57 2000 (#2242)

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!!! yyayayayayyayaya

Re: christmas
Posted by Baleigh on Sun Dec 24 18:00:09 2000 (#2247)

LoL... guess what I did early this morning... I mean like early... Like 12:30 early (or late... what have you) SAT AROUND A BONFIRE! How freaking St. Cloud, cow-town, Hick-a-Billy Bob, orange grove and cow shit type of thing was that to do all night? I hate this place... i really hate this place. Good Lord! And what sort of game is Armadillo Bashing? How horrible is that? Ugh... it makes me sick!

Just thought I'd share how I spent my X-mas Eve morning with everyone! : )

Hello, I'm new here too
Posted by Rosemary Hayes on Sun Dec 24 20:36:35 2000 (#2248)

Um hey whoever reads this. My name is Rosemary. Just wanted to say hi i guess. i don't really know anymore. just here b/c i'm worried about myself. i shouldn't be though i guess. self injury is just way of coping. the poems were really good too. i write a lot but it never helps. my friends seem scared of me. I don't know. i just needed something to do. Rosemary

Re: Hello, I'm new here too
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 25 01:32:47 2000 (#2259)

WELCOME, You cut? you came to the right place. Here we all have the hurt we share it, we care. No judgement, no fear. anyhow, e-mail me if you like. I came here about three months ago, and its the best thing I could have ever done. Anyhow, keep posting anything goes. Even if you have to vent, even if it isnt about cutting. Remember you are not alone. Nuni

hey agian
Posted by Rosemary on Sun Dec 24 20:52:12 2000 (#2249)

Well i am still bored and i need something to occupy my hands so i am going to be writing about whatever comes out of my hands i've never done this before so bear w/ me i don't know what is going on w/ me i have started cutting myself i told this guy, Lyndsey, who i thought i could really trust he ended up telling my parents and he doesn't really talk to me anymore i feel so betrayed and angry why did he do that my parents don't really care they just think i am stupid. i wish i could disappear and go live up in the house in canda db was talking about i personally dont care where it is as long it is away from everyone that i know only a few of my very closest friends know but i know that it is depressing them and i don't want to burden them why should i anyway it doesn't help nothing is helping i don't even know what is "wrong" w/ me i don't want to stop either and i feel really bad about that. I have this journal that i write in not to many entries b/c i just started it i sometimes worry about myself as if i was another person my dad thinks i am screwed up and i'll never get better espcially since the two hrs at church w/ all the pastors didn't help i don't know what i want or who i am and i don't have any answers and ppl think i am lying when i say i don't know i really don't i am tired or trusting ppl and just getting hurt everyday i have to be happy and smile and no one knows any better i am not really sure how this works maybe i'll check tomorrow or something tomorrows christmas and i would honestly rather be dead my parents don't know that i have started agian i don't really want to tell them i am just trying to cope w/ everything but i don't know what i am trying to cope w/ i don't really know why i do this and no one believes me where is everbody from and how old is everyone here? i guess i'll go now Rosemary

Re: hey agian
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Dec 25 00:45:51 2000 (#2251)

Hi Rosemary,

I'm 23 and I live in Tennessee. My parents don't know about my cutting. I figured it's best not to make waves sometimes. Besides, they'd freak out. I've often wondered why everyone gets upset with you if you don't know whats bothering you. Big deal, you're still upset, so why do the details matter so much? You're more than welcome to come to our house. It's imaginary, but very real at times. Your room is waiting!

Love, DB

Re: hey agian
Posted by Rosemary on Mon Dec 25 01:11:43 2000 (#2255)

db, Thanks for replying and letting me stay. i am 14 and i live in ga. um my parents don't know that i am going to a lot of websites about si so i need to go. thanks again.

Rosemary

GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Posted by lost on Mon Dec 25 00:22:00 2000 (#2250)

why is everyone so fake on christmas? why is my dad pretending like he likes me today when YESTERDAY he was letting me know how worthless i am? and i know that in 2 days he will be back to normal. I guess I should be like thankful for a day where he actually IS nice. But uhm... I just CAN'T because its so FAKE and *I* know its fake and *HE* knows it fake. So its useless really. hehe BUT the good thing about today is my parents are letting my friend come over and they're letting us drink champagne till we fall over!!! :)

Re: GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 25 01:36:36 2000 (#2260)

Have fun BABY cakes, tip a few back for me. You are so wonderful, I want everyone to know that!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEY EVERYONE LOST IS WONDERFUL!!! Luv Ya, Nuni

Re: GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Posted by SImon on Tue Dec 26 00:16:16 2000 (#2271)

I wish my folks would pretend like they are happy for xmas. we lasted till 'bout 12 midday before my dad satrted getting all tense and all that shit. i think he blew it in the end by suddenly getting up and going out to an AA meeting on bloody christmas day! he goes every night and it would be a (Nice?) change for the family to pretent to be a bit normal for one day. so basically i have had a misarable day but got given loads of presents so i cant even feel justified in being depressed without feeling spoilt and selfish. I hope my folks dont find the history and read this! but the good news i guess is that i have not cut for a good few days now. A friend (although i wonder at times) said something like that im just playing the role of the depressed goth and that i havent really got it that bad...and that may be true (the jury is still out on that 1). i always get myself into the endless debate of whether im fucked up or do i just wish i was fucked up so that life is easier...but then if i want to be fucked up so much that i attempt suicide several times and cut myself repeatedly w/ a razor blade wouldent that mean that i AM kind of fucked up. Anyway im experimenting with trying to be 'normal' just 2 see if i am actually capable of doing it anymore. the urge to swing back 2 my normal methods of dealing seems very tempting but im trying. cya all

SImon

my christmas present to myself
Posted by Butterfly on Mon Dec 25 01:04:41 2000 (#2253)

....a few new cuts. i feel so alone, i just wish i felt someone loved me. i hate myself so much, i don't know why i'm still alive.

....i'll shut up now.

Re: my christmas present to myself
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Dec 25 01:13:21 2000 (#2256)

What a coincidence! That's the same gift I gave myself for my birthday. Sucks, don't it? I don't know why we have to feel the way we do. We're all good people. Everyone I've met here is so nice and there's nothing fake about them. We should be able to feel good about ourselves, but I guess life isn't always fair. I don't know why. As for why you're still alive? There's a reason. You may not know what it is, but it's still there. That thought gets me by when I feel bad. Maybe I exist solely to help someone else in pain, but am meant to be in pain myself. Who knows? I DO believe you can change your destiny though, so that's my current project. It just goes how it goes.....

Love, DB

Re: my christmas present to myself
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 25 01:40:16 2000 (#2261)

HUGS for you both. I am not a big christmas person. I feel your hurt and I want to reach out and hug you guys )))))))((((((( DB, thanks for the sweet e-mail. I will always and forever remain your big SIS!! and If I ever go the Tenesee way I will hope I can meet you. Take care you all. Luv YA! Nuni

Re: my christmas present to myself
Posted by butterfly on Tue Dec 26 00:27:54 2000 (#2272)

thankyou for reminding me there are people who know how i feel. hope you both had a good christmas. *hugs*

...
Posted by butterfly on Mon Dec 25 01:08:10 2000 (#2254)

now i wish i hadn't posted that, it sounds so stupid.... just ignore me please

Re: ...
Posted by Rosemary Hayes on Mon Dec 25 01:14:52 2000 (#2257)

don't worry about i feel like that a lot too nothing stupid just something you wanted to say

me again
Posted by rosemary on Mon Dec 25 02:34:40 2000 (#2263)

Well i just wanted to thank you guys for being understanding. i was a bit scared about putting something up. i didn't know how you guys would react. um yeah i cut. my wrist w/ scissors. i just cut a little while ago. i am 14 and i live in ga for any those wondering. feel free to email i love to write so you might see a lot of me on here. let me know if i bother you guys. thanks so much for listening. rose

Re: me again
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Dec 25 03:10:25 2000 (#2264)

Trust me, nothing you can do is gonna bother us! We rant and rave all the time and no one complains. Post 20 times a day if you want. I'll read them and I bet everyone else will too. ;)

Love, DB

Re: me again
Posted by Baleigh on Mon Dec 25 03:10:36 2000 (#2265)

You are SO bothering me! Good Lord... just go away! Hehehehehe! I'm just kidding! Sorry.. there really wasn't any point to this post... but you'll soon learn that I'm famous for it! Lol... I'll be quiet!

Re: me again
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Mon Dec 25 03:59:16 2000 (#2266)

Baleigh's full of crap! But I love her dearly! I think I'm gonna love you too, Rosemary. Yep, I can feel it coming on....there it is! I DO love you!

Love, DB

Re: me again
Posted by rosemary on Mon Dec 25 07:42:03 2000 (#2267)

well guys thanks i love you too. well life for me just turned a bit worse. it is 1:40 am and i have spent about 3 or 4 hrs. fighting w/ my parents. they found out again that i was cutting myself. my mom walked into my room and saw this razor blade and asked to see my wrist. so now life sucks. and it's christmas. i am trying to be positive but it isn't really working. my dad spent the entire time telling me i am going to hell basically. that it is all my fault that i am depressed and all this other stuff i have to go get "evaluated" now and go talk again to ppl at church and i really don't want to but there isn't much i can do. i don't know what i am going to do if i can't cut myself. i'm scared. i wish i could really be in the house in canada. well i need to go before my dad comes in to yell at me some more. i really honestly do hope that you guys have a merry christmas. =)

BA-FUCKING-HUMBUG
Posted by Christine on Mon Dec 25 08:41:59 2000 (#2268)

Well I had a wonderful day.Then we were eating over someones house my mom had a bit much to drink she was fine at the house but when we got in the truck my mom had this horrible mood swing.I was scratching this guys head and she was telling me it was inapropreate and I was a slut just cuz this guy is in his twentys and a intimate situation as the fucking bitch would say.This guy is like a brother to me and I have no feeling for him in more than a family friend kinda way.We got home and I changed into my pajamas.She stummbles in my room and shes like are you coming to open ur presents?She said it really bitchy to.So I came out and at this point my mom was being really nastey w/ me and she going on and I say drop it mom its over and then I went onto telling her she was drunk shes like what I'm like your fucking drunk mom go ruin someone elses christmas.I told her marry fucking Christmas and then my dad interupted.I was opening my presents and I was looking at this one and I really liked it.I put it down and shes like you dont like it.She was assumeing that we didnt like any of are presents.I told her to just get the fuck out of the room she went and slammed her door.So me and my brother opened are gifts w/ my dad.I think this w/ be a x-mas to remember.we opened all are presents on x-mas eve so my mom didnt have to wake up early.She can go fuck herself.I know shes gonna be nice tomarrow but I refuse to forgive her.She fucking ruined my holiday and she made me feel like shit so fuck her shes a stupid cunt she can go the fuck to hell.Sorry just needed to vent.

Re: BA-FUCKING-HUMBUG
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 25 21:00:53 2000 (#2269)

I here ya. Im not in to big Christmas memeories, so I can relate. It passes dont let it destroy all of your future ones, thats how I am now, I cant even stand to listen to Christams Carols! hugs to u, I love you Nuni

WELL...
Posted by MELISSA on Mon Dec 25 21:11:44 2000 (#2270)

CHRISTMAS WASNT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT. IT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY DAMB GOOD. IM SUPRISED. OH OH ME AND MARCUS ARE BACK TOGETHER, THE BREAK UP LASTED ALL OF 15 MIN. HES SO SWEET, U KNOW WHAT HE GOT ME? UM FIRST HE GOT ME LOTION AND PERFUME BOTH LABLED "PRINCESS" CUZ IM HIS LITTLE PRINCESS THEN HE GAVE ME PANTIES HEHE PRETTY ONES FOR HIM TO IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, THEN HE GAVE ME A GOLD NECKLESS AND CHARM THE CHARM IS A HEART THAT SAYS ENDLESS LOVE IN THE MIDDLE..... AWWWWWWWWW! YAY MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS "GOD BLESS US EVERYONE" HAHA MELISSA

Re: WELL...
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Dec 26 02:25:43 2000 (#2275)

I'm glad you had a good Christmas. Sounds like you had fun, and I'm glad you have your boyfriend back. That's a good gift, huh?!? As for me, I got a job for Christmas. I know, it's weird, but I really need a job so I start tomorrow in a factory that makes envelopes. I get $8.15 an hour so I'm pretty happy about it. It ain't a fortune, but it's a pretty good amount to me! I work second shift from 3 to 11. That means I won't have as much time to post around here, but I'll do my best. Anyhow, Merry Christmas!!

Love, DB

Merry Christmas
Posted by Kate on Tue Dec 26 02:05:54 2000 (#2273)

I just wanted to wish everyone a merry Christmas. I had a good one. I was with my family who I love. Now my mom and I are sitting home drinking wine. I am kind of lonely. I want to go out but I don't know if i do. I am in a weird mood. Bye!

sorry for momentarily coming back
Posted by laura rose on Tue Dec 26 09:17:58 2000 (#2276)

um.. i hate to post to the board. but lori, i need to talk to you... shit has gone much more to hell... and death can be a bitch

~Laura

Re: sorry for momentarily coming back
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Tue Dec 26 17:17:07 2000 (#2279)

Laura, Tell me what's wrong. I hate that I have to work today. I go in at 3, which is noon your time. I want to talk to you so bad. E-mail me and tell me what's going on and I'll try to get online after work. I'll probably get home around midnight. Please be okay.

Love, DB

SI website
Posted by Amanda on Tue Dec 26 14:12:24 2000 (#2277)

hey, i'm making a website on SI, what do u think i should have on it?

Well... I'm out
Posted by Baleigh on Tue Dec 26 17:00:06 2000 (#2278)

LoL... now that I think about the subject ya'll probab;y think I'm leaving FOR GOOD! HAHA... I'm such a dork. But no... really I won't be home for 5 days... I'm going camping with the family... in the bus (a 39-foot RV to be more specific... but I still call it the bus) YES... I can NOt wait. Ahem... yeah right! So for all you Christians out there... pray for me! LoL... I'm gonna miss you guys... dunno what I'll do! I've become so attached! : ) Oh well.. someone email me so I feel special! Love ya! Bye bye for now!

I KNOW IT
Posted by MELISSA on Tue Dec 26 18:37:17 2000 (#2280)

I KNOW THAT WHEN MARCUS MOVES ILL LOSE IT. I KNOW ILL KILL MYSELF OR SOMETHING REALLY BAD WILL HAPPEN. I KNOW IT!!! I CANT LIVE W/O HIM YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. I WISH HE COULD STAY BUT HE CANT. IM GOING TO DIE I CAN FEEL IT ALREADY. HE LEAVES JANUARY 20, THE DAY AFTER MY BIRTHDAY. I DONT WANT TO LIVE W/O HIM, I CANT. I HATE HIS PARENTS FOR THIS, THEY DONT UNDERSTAND THAT I REALLY MEAN I CANT LIVE W/O HIM. I MEAN IT THEY WILL SEE. THEY SHOULD OF STAYED...

MELISSA

You better listen to me! grrr
Posted by Lost on Tue Dec 26 22:05:47 2000 (#2281)

I know this will sound mean, but you CAN'T kill yourself just to PROVE something to Marcus' parents. You know, its like he's moving away and you're going to be REALLY sad... but you KNOW when he graduates highschool that he's going to come back right? So that AT LEAST should keep you alive. Would you rather have him move and then you kill yourself and NEVER see him again.... OR him move and you LIVE THROUGH the pain and then get to see him in 2 years and be happy forever? Isn't Marcus worth LIVING for 2 years?

Think about how hard it is on Marcus too. I think he'll be JUST AS SAD as you will be. And imagine how much worse off he'll be if you're dead. If you really truly love Marcus then i think you'd do anything in your power to keep him from getting more hurt than he already will be. LOVE is an unselfish thing... and if you kill yourself THAT is not showing love. Does that make any sense to you?

I dont know if what I've said came out in a rude way, but u know I'm not gonna sugar coat it for you. AND I'm DEFINATLY not even going to get into what *I* personally feel about what you plan to do. You already know how I feel about that. grrrr.

By the way, my friend is praying for you (you don't know him--- and *I* don't believe in god). But I told him about you and he said that he is going to pray for you every night until you get through these things. Anyway, i still haven't heard from you... so send me an e-mail!!!

Re: You better listen to me! grrr
Posted by MELISSA on Tue Dec 26 22:37:57 2000 (#2282)

I LOVE YOU. IM NOT MAD, I KNOW YOUR RIGHT. XOXO.

ME

fuck love, be a nun
Posted by the bluest rose never seen on Tue Dec 26 22:43:47 2000 (#2283)

I HATE BOYS THEY WRECK EVERYTHING THEY ARE SO FUCKING WORTHLESS THAT I CANNOT EVEN STAND TO THINK OF THIER EXSISTENCE I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM THEY ARE NOT WORTH ALL THE SHIT WE PUT OURSELVES THROUGH WHY CANT THEY JUST FUCKING DISAPPEAR I HATE THAT I HAVE TO SIT HERE AND FEEL SO BAD SO BAD SO BAD THAT I COULD JUST CRY AND HE IS PARTYING AND CHEATING AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW FOR SURE IF HE IS OR NOT WHY WHY WHY ARE THEY SO IMPORTANT WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING DEPENDANT AND NO NO NO I'M NOT OKAY AND YES I DO MISS HIM AND HE IS NOT WORTH IT i think i'm losing it I HATE THIS SO MUCH YOU CANNOT LET HIM OR HIS PARENTS CONTROL HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!!!!!! FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL INDEPENDAT FROM HIM BE YOURSELF BE YOUR OWN FUCKING SELF YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN A DEPENDANT LITTLE GIRL WHY DON'T YOU KNOW THAT????? WHY WHY WHY I DON'T UNDERSTAND we're the same AND I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY NO MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE I HAVE TO TURN TO IT'S NOT THE SAME UNLESS HE IS WHERE I AM.

everything is beautiful and dances

just noticed
Posted by Lost on Wed Dec 27 01:12:42 2000 (#2284)

its wierd i just noticed that there is almost 2300 posts on here.... and when i first came here there was like less than 100 posts. Thats just crazy to me that i've read like 2200 post from u guys. hehe ok sorry that was pointless but its just crazy how everyone can post that much in only 9 months. ok i'm totally shutting up. there's no point to this post. yay bye

not really...
Posted by katie on Wed Dec 27 03:20:50 2000 (#2285)

hey everyone...

i'm at home for three or so more weeks, so i'm never online. i feel out of the loop.

what's going on? where has laura rose gone? how's everybody?

i am... here... thinking i'm going to stop cutting (been 6 days) but knowing that when i get back to school... who knows...

take care

love, katie

I'm on AIM now
Posted by Maggie on Wed Dec 27 04:46:36 2000 (#2286)

Finally I downloaded AIM. Name is: Mincemind Please message me!

Re: I'm on AIM now
Posted by Nuni on Wed Dec 27 19:04:42 2000 (#2295)

GREAT!! Im TurtlesCor, im away though, I am in San Antonio for the Holidays. I will be back To San Diego Ca after the 3rd. I am looking forward to chatting with you! Thanks for the emails from before. Nuni

who is there
Posted by sara on Wed Dec 27 05:49:13 2000 (#2287)

I cut my self and have many scars from it. I try to get help but they don't understand. They say it is sick and I need to be hospitalized. Do I? Am I a phsyco. No one will listen and understand. I feel rejected. I get emotionally abused a WHOLE lot. This is the only way to deal with the pain I tell them but they say I am sick.

Re: who is there
Posted by Nuni on Wed Dec 27 18:53:54 2000 (#2293)

You are not SicK!!!!! you like us, deal with this, the way we know how. Through pain, through SI..you are not psycho!!! Nuni

Re: who is there
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Dec 27 19:43:42 2000 (#2299)

psy·cho·sis (s-kss) n., pl. psy·cho·ses (-sz.)

A severe mental disorder, with or without organic damage, characterized by derangement of personality and loss of contact with reality and causing deterioration of normal social functioning

everyone is psycho, if we weren't then who would we be? we cant always function normal, or we'd be bored out of our minds! loss of contact with reality, geez i'm positive EVERYONE has experienced that at one point in their life. so we are all psycho. and that is nothing to be ashamed of

-ME-

A friend of mine comes here
Posted by Amanda on Wed Dec 27 10:46:20 2000 (#2288)

To Whomever reads this, I'm here about a friend of mine who I know comes here often. Her name is Laura. I used to be a good friend of hers, but lately something is very wrong with her. I have read some of the things on here that appear to have come from her, but I'm still not too sure on how she is doing. Does anyone here talk to her? I'm afraid she is plotting another suicide attempt, as she is starting to give things of hers away. Please, if you have any information, can you send it my way? Thank you and God bless.

Sincerely, Amanda D.

Re: A friend of mine comes here
Posted by Lost on Wed Dec 27 10:57:20 2000 (#2289)

do u have AIM? If so, talk to me on there. my screen name is KaleenaKrackHead. PLEASE PLEASE go to her house or something. try to stop her.... I talked to her last on christmas night. I haven't seen her online all day today. please e-mail me...... please.

Re: A friend of mine comes here
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Dec 27 17:24:32 2000 (#2291)

Please help her. She told me she wanted to die, but I asked her to hang on for as long as she could. I talked to her on Christmas night too. Do you live near her? Go to her house, anything. Call the police if she tries anything. She may get mad, because she didn't like that the ambulance came for her before, but as long as they get to her, it doesn't matter. I talked to another of her friends yesterday morning and he was worried about her too. I think that Josh was off work yesterday, so he was probably home all day, or maybe he went out. He does that a lot, Laura said. She told me she had a bad flashback from one of her rapes and it was getting to her pretty badly. I wish I had her mom's e-mail address. She e-mailed me from Laura's computer last time she tried to kill herself. I guess if I get an e-mail from her, I'll know something's bad wrong. I feel so helpless. I can't be with her because I live in Tennessee. I can't even be online that much anymore because I started a new job yesterday and I have to be there at 3 every day until 11. Man, I feel useless when it comes to this kind of thing. If she's giving her things away, she IS about to try something. What all has she gotten rid of? I hope she hasn't given away her cats or her cd's. She's really serious if she has. do me a favor....go to her website and read the last half a dozen or so poems she put up there. They're disturbing, some of them, anyway.

Love, DB

Re: A friend of mine comes here
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Dec 27 19:39:18 2000 (#2297)

RUN RUN AS FAST AS U CAN, U GOTTA CATCH HER BEFORE SHE CATCHES THE GINGERBREAD MAN!!! (remember he got his head bit off) but yeah, i think that you should make sure she is not alone, i have never talked to her but still, just try and stay with her as long as possible, she may not appreciate the company now and feel like ur interferring with her plans but it is for her own good.

-ME-

Re: A friend of mine comes here
Posted by Amanda Dutton on Thu Dec 28 08:55:40 2000 (#2311)

To: Whomever reads this. Thank you for giving me some information on Laura. We still have not heard from her, and are rather worried. She is usually depressed, but never like this. I feel bad, because I have lost contact with her (her husband is not the greatest). Well, it seems that she has disappeared. Not returning calls, no answer at the door and she has stopped going to her treatments for her kidney's. Please place her in your prayers.

Sincerely, Amanda D.

Re: A friend of mine comes here
Posted by no one on Thu Dec 28 09:05:13 2000 (#2312)

if she's not answering the door then break it down. call the cops... SOMETHING. if u wait any longer... you could be too late... if u aren't already!!!!

OFFICIAL greeting
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Dec 27 14:24:33 2000 (#2290)

hey hey, well i usually post here everynow and then but now i'm going to officially be in.....if that makes any sence hehe, oh well...but yeah i usually post as Amanda, but then i found out someone else has that name, plus i can be more creative so this is my new name, but enough with that, I have been cutting for over a year now, scratching and burning, well...it gets complicated. but yeah, ok well i dun know what else to write so....HAPPY UNBIRTHDAY TO ME AND EVERYONE ELSE WHOS BIRTHDAY ISN'T TODAY!! (oh and my name here is my AIM sn)

Re: OFFICIAL greeting
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Wed Dec 27 17:27:12 2000 (#2292)

Welcome! Pull up a chair and hang out for a while. You seem to have a lively personality. You'll do fine here. You and Lost will get along well, probably, because she's constantly hyper, or so it seems!

Love, DB

Re: OFFICIAL greeting
Posted by Nuni on Wed Dec 27 19:02:12 2000 (#2294)

No Kidding, Welcome!!! We are a great group of people who have this thing In common. So far we think we all have this a little under control. Nonetheless, we come here for support. DB, can I scoot my bean bag over to you and make romm for Cheze2. I wish Laura would scoot in some too so i could give her a great big hug. Hugs to you all! Big Sis, Nuni

Re: OFFICIAL greeting
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Dec 27 19:30:36 2000 (#2296)

OK! I'll Pull up a big chicken and sit on him and uh....HAVE FUN!!!! :) Thank you for welcoming me so earnestly!...ok....uh...HI to you all again!!!

-ME-

dead
Posted by Lost on Wed Dec 27 19:42:05 2000 (#2298)

well u guys. I don't exist anymore. I sit here with a 6 bottles of pills. I am going to sleep now.

Re: dead
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Dec 27 19:48:46 2000 (#2300)

wait, is that how you really wanna go out? stop, PAUSE geez, there was a really good thing i could say here but i forgot it! but think about it first, put the bottles away in the back of a drawer and just wait a few days, minutes if u have to, j\to just think about what your going to miss, even if it is that pretty metallic razor blade, it's something isn't it?

Re: dead
Posted by katie on Wed Dec 27 20:39:22 2000 (#2301)

no pills... just go to sleep, sometimes everything is easier when you don't have to think about it but not permanently, not forever...

you know what... you still exist. we refuse to forget you.

please don't go.

love, katie

Re: dead
Posted by MELISSA on Thu Dec 28 00:56:50 2000 (#2307)

i dont quite know what you meant by that? are you dead? you better not be. i mean it girl. you always tell me to stick with it, you better do the same. please dont do this to me. i lub you, did you know that "lub" is more than love. seriously. so i lub you sick around i need you.

love peace and chicken grease, melissa

Re: dead
Posted by Lost on Thu Dec 28 09:38:21 2000 (#2314)

yeah i'm here. unwillingly. I luB u 2 dawg!

house
Posted by katie on Wed Dec 27 20:48:11 2000 (#2302)

heh heh i was fooling around online looking for pictures of houses in canada earlier today. there were a couple of nice ones. maybe i'll convert my old SI website into a canada site... if i have time... haha like i need another distraction at school. my own webpage is bad enough. which i need to update, come to think of it.

errr does anyone know anything about laura rose??? i wrote a poem for her but i don't want to have to change the ending.

*worryworryworry*
:( katie

p.s. (aim)
Posted by katie on Wed Dec 27 20:52:02 2000 (#2303)

my aim name is katzchen12

but i won't be on until the end of january, when i'm back at school. i'll add you guys when i get back.

take care,

love, katie

it it abuse if.....
Posted by Cheze2 on Wed Dec 27 21:49:26 2000 (#2304)

i was just thinking, and i know i've been posting a lot lately, but i was just thinking, is it sexual abuse if when you were about in 3rd grade your friend (a girl) and you, watched sex movies and acted out rape scenarios? like one of those you didn't know any better but your friend was older (5th grade) and should know better? just pondering this subject...sorry i've been posting so much

-ME-

Re: it it abuse if.....
Posted by Lost on Thu Dec 28 09:51:33 2000 (#2318)

I don't think its neccassarily abuse bcuz I doubt that the other girl really understood that it was bad. She had probably been sexually abused and was just acting on these things without realizing that they were bad. Only she knows the answer to that though.

I WANT LAURA ROSE BACK!
Posted by Fran on Wed Dec 27 22:47:19 2000 (#2305)

The internet on my computer goes down for Two weeks and I return to the board to find laura Rose gone , a new web site, lot's of new people that I don't know. It's really frightening because the board was giving me stability and now Laura's gone and I feel lost and I want to cry..I feel like a child ..I can't explain the feeling but I once wrote a sort of poem about it 'Somedays I am reduced to a child when all I need is love Love that is unrequited, unconditional I am so vunerable and in that moment I become sick of adult life with it's burdens ,it's responsiblities I want to be innocent of them all but my innocence no longer belongs to me it was taken from me young I am so desperate to feel it, to know it oh how I hate him for taking it away but now it is all too late I am self destructing and slowly disintegrating into the pills I don't even remember what I had hoped to become' Oh LAURA ROSE please come back! In CANADA my room was next to yours and every night I would visit you in your room and you would comfort me. We'd look out at the bright stars from our balconey and I don't know DB but she would join us too. In Canada when I wake up crying there will be someone there telling me everything will be allright. I want to escape....form everything

Re: I WANT LAURA ROSE BACK!
Posted by Lost on Thu Dec 28 09:46:26 2000 (#2316)

I want my Laura Rose back too! I'm scared.

Re: I WANT LAURA ROSE BACK!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Thu Dec 28 17:37:36 2000 (#2323)

I know she was alive at 10 o'clock pacific time last night because she posted on the Fumblers list. That's for Sarah McLachlan fans. We're both on it. She didn't say anything out of the ordinary. The post was about Christmas gifts and she mentioned that she got pj's from her mom. That's all she said, but it sounded upbeat. Then again, she has a tendency to sound that way no matter what. She still won't return my e-mails or anything. I don't know why, she said in an earlier post that she wanted to talk to me. She knows I care about her because I e-mail her almost every day to say so. I don't know what to say to her anymore that will help her.

Love, DB

I NEED YOU
Posted by fran on Wed Dec 27 22:55:39 2000 (#2306)

AND NOW LOST... PLEASE DON'T GO LOST!! CANADA CANADA THINK ABOUT CANADA PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELF I NEED YOU HERE CAN NO ONE DO ANYTHING I THINK I MIGHT JOIN IN I AM ALONE AND NO ONE WOULD FIND ME FOR DAYS i COULD DIE IN MY BATH LET THE BLOOD RUN AND RUN AND I COULD FADE AWAY. I BELIEVED IN YOU GUYS , I THOUGHT IF YOU COULD DO IT i COULD. I'M SCREAMING INSIDE FOR YOU. I NEED YOU. WHAT'S THE POINT NO ONE CARES, IF THATS ONE THING I'VE LEARNT ABOUT THIS WORLD NO ONE GIVES A SHIT SO YOU ARE MY FAMILY ....NOW MY WRITINGS ALL CONFUSED

Re: I NEED YOU
Posted by Lost on Thu Dec 28 09:44:25 2000 (#2315)

Hi Fran! heh don't worry about me... I'm just stupid thats all. I feel ya when u say that no one cares... my dad told me early this morning that he wishes the doctors wouldn't have saved me b4 and that I could still kill myself if I REALLY wanted to (tryin to hint to me that he wants me to!)

And about Canada... I'm not going. Sorry. I just want to be by myself. If I do live I want to be alone in my own corner with no sound, no light, no thoughts, no pain, no happiness. just blank and by myself. You guys have fun though....

i am going to try to stop si
Posted by rosemary on Thu Dec 28 01:04:25 2000 (#2308)

hey guys,

ok this is like my 3rd post. i haven't been here long appartantly. well i just wanted to say that i actually want to stop si now. this whole time i was doing this b/c i didn't feel loved by anyone. it just dawned on me that at least two people on this planet do. number one this guy named luis. i don't know why it took me so long to realize it though. he has always been there for me. the only person who ever really has. the only guy that has never taken advantage of me physically or emotionally. he didn't treat me like a freak when he found out i si. second my bf. her name is sharon and she might come to this website to post. she si's too. she really understands what i am going through. i don't really know if any of this matters to anyone but i thought i would let you guys know. take care. rosemary

Re: i am going to try to stop si
Posted by Lost on Thu Dec 28 09:48:17 2000 (#2317)

how old r u guys? well if u guys need some friends or some people to listen... YAYAYYAYAYAYAY we're right here for u....

Re: i am going to try to stop si
Posted by Cheze2 on Thu Dec 28 15:35:31 2000 (#2321)

HEY! i'll be ur friend! and i hope u do good trying to stop SIB. good luck! i could only last a few days when i tried to stop.

-ME-

new person
Posted by Sharon on Thu Dec 28 03:22:50 2000 (#2309)

hi everyone, i'm new here. my name is sharon, those of you who read rosemary's thing-a-ma-jigs (whatever they're called!) know that i'm her best friend. i'm also a self-injurer. i've been cutting myself for awhile. i guess i'm here cuz i need to know that there are other people like me, that i'm not a freak (at least not totally . . .=) well, enough about me, ppl just drop in and say hi or something!

Re: new person
Posted by Christine on Thu Dec 28 04:30:34 2000 (#2310)

Welcome Tell us more about yuorself like age adn stuff.I hope you like it here as much as I do.I'm here for you and everyone else on this board.

Re: new person
Posted by Sharon on Thu Dec 28 18:49:15 2000 (#2327)

hey christine! thanks for typing back. i'm 13 and i live in ga. i'd probably describe myself as a semi-normal person =) but i'll let you guys decide for yourselves! -sharon

didn't work!!
Posted by Lost on Thu Dec 28 09:37:17 2000 (#2313)

Well I tried. Didn't work. I took pills and i kept taking them until I couldn't swallow anymore of them. Like i said I was gonna do, I went to sleep. Thought it was over. Had a peaceful sleep-- thought i would be dead. But what happened?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! I woke up shaking, sweating and vomiting ALL over MYSELF. I figured that maybe if I didn't tell anyone that maybe I would die soon enough and that it was just taking a while. WEEELLLL here I am. Still feeling like shit. Still shivering and breaking out in cold sweats. Still trying to hold in my vomit. I know I'm not going to die and I'm mad... I guess I should try a new technique since this one sure as hell isn't working!

Sorry. I keep trying to find something to hold on to and everytime i find something, I lose hold of it and it disappears. I'm trying. I really am. But sometimes its just not good enough.

Re: didn't work!!
Posted by Maggie on Thu Dec 28 12:17:45 2000 (#2319)

Thank God you are still alive girl! And I DO mean that too.

Please talk about it with one of us before you actually do things like that. Sorry you feel sick now, but I hope it will make u learn your lesson. And apparently sleeping pills are the most pleasant way to go!!! I wouldn't wanna try anything else eh if it makes you feel that yuk.

All my hugs sent to Lost right now!

Re: didn't work!!
Posted by Cheze2 on Thu Dec 28 15:33:41 2000 (#2320)

Well, being a sleeping pill addict myself i really hope that u don't stay sick for long, and i'm one of those ppl who stay in the shadows of this dicussion group before they officially come out (aka, OFFICIAL greeting) and i really like u, u seem like a kool person, and i really dont want to see you go. just hang in there a bit, see if u can find a teddy bear to hold on to! he won't go anywhere!!!

-ME-

Re: didn't work!!
Posted by MELISSA on Thu Dec 28 21:46:49 2000 (#2329)

IM GLAD IT DIDNT WORK. IF YOU DO I WILL TOO.

MELISSA

Re: didn't work!!
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 29 05:23:23 2000 (#2341)

thats not fair melissa.... to put YOUR life on me too so now I have to be strong enough for the both of us? if i go, that doesn't mean that you should go too......

Re: didn't work!!
Posted by Christine on Tue Jan 2 10:44:12 2001 (#2448)

Listen the both of you if either of you do any thing stupid I will hunt u down and stab you in the forhead.LOL how you like that Kathleena.I wont let you or anyone on the board do something stupid or or or ummmmmmmm I'll do something.I'm hoping I dont have to think of something!I love you all! Muhaaaaa and a 1/2.

Re: didn't work!!
Posted by Lost on Wed Jan 3 05:44:34 2001 (#2482)

hey skank! why r u tryin to sound like me yo!? haha and by the way Kathleena is DEFINATLY not my name :) but if u take away the "th" you'll be straight.

Re: didn't work!!
Posted by Christine on Sat Jan 6 07:49:52 2001 (#2537)

I just guess your waring off on me lol I just wanna stab u in the forehead for doing it to me somany times

I'm 14!!!!
Posted by Cheze2 on Thu Dec 28 15:37:29 2000 (#2322)

ok u all keep asking the question how old are all you new peepz and well (look at subject now). there ya go! have fun!

-ME-

Re: I'm 14!!!!
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 29 03:34:32 2000 (#2338)

why did u make such a big deal out of it? we have people ur age on here... duh I'm only 17 anyway! almost all of us are under 30... so don't trip dawg!!! :)

Re: I'm 14!!!!
Posted by Lost on Fri Dec 29 05:20:15 2000 (#2340)

Sharon is only 13 and so is rosemary (i think)

ATTENTION:EMAIL FROM LAURA ROSE!
Posted by Fran on Thu Dec 28 17:52:05 2000 (#2324)

I received an email from laura last night, I'm still trying to work out how to foward it on to you guys. She says she left because she can't be as strong as us. She won't come back and she doesn't want to hold on. Then she said goodbye. Oh how I want her back but she seems lost what can we do to save . I WANT A POST FROM EVERYONE ON THIS BOARD IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SMALL AN IDEA it all counts.

Re: ATTENTION:EMAIL FROM LAURA ROSE!
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 29 03:07:20 2000 (#2336)

Talk to her about Cameron. he means he world to her. Remind her that besides us she ha people around her that care about ehr and love her. Please tell her that things would not be the same, and her poetry would be lost with her. We love her!! Nuni

MESSAGE FOR EVERYONE ON THIS BOARD!!!!!!
Posted by Fran on Thu Dec 28 17:57:16 2000 (#2325)

I WANT EVERYONE ON THIS BOARD TO COME TOGETHER TO THINK OF WAYS TO SAVE LAURA ROSE!. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW INSIGNIFICANT YOU THINK YOUR SUGGESTION IS, IT ALL COUNTS. THINK ABOUT HOW YOU FELT WHEN YOU WANTED TO END IT ALL THINK THINK. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW LAURA ROSE YOU MIGHT HAVE THE KEY. WE NEED TO HELP HER SAVE HERSELF WE ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE THIS GIRL. WE ARE NOT. PLEASE EVERYONE RESPOND TO THIS POST THIS IS REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT.

Re: MESSAGE FOR EVERYONE ON THIS BOARD!!!!!!
Posted by Cheze2 on Thu Dec 28 18:18:18 2000 (#2326)

is there any way anyone can get to her? anyone live near her? if so they should go and stay with her awhile, and she is as strong as us if she even showed up here, because that means she at least is looking for some help, some companionship. that's what were all really here for. send her a box of chocolate. send her something, everyone should all get together to make her something like a big picture made on the computer and send it to her. so she knows that everyone here cares about her and dosen't want to see her go.

-ME-

Re: MESSAGE FOR EVERYONE ON THIS BOARD!!!!!!
Posted by rose on Thu Dec 28 19:46:33 2000 (#2328)

um gosh that is really serious i guess i would say that none of us feel strong i think that we've all tried to stop and fail and no one has every felt strong enough or good enough etc. she doesn't have to be as strong as anyone she is strong if she hasn't committed suicide yet. i think a lot of people struggle with that but if you haven't done it then you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. she doesn't has to be strong for anyone. this posting board is about us trying to make it. trying to learn to love ourselves. i'm not strong either. i have just stopped si for the first time and it sucks and i really want to make it but i don't know if i can or not. i know that it is okay if i fall because i am strong enough to accept that. for a lot of people that isn't really strength but in our situation we have the right to define strenght. strength for me is the fact that i can actually get up in the morning sometimes. i like this posting board because i don't have to be strong here. i don't think anyone feels they have to prove that they are strong. making it through today requires a lot on my part. sometimes people just look strong. to a lot of people i seem a regular happy healthy strong teenager. truth is i'm not. i don't know that was my 2 cents worth on the subject. to everyone else we are not strong but here at this posting board we are because we have made it through today and shared part of ourselves, our lives with someone else and hopefully helped someone in being stronger for today. rose

Re: MESSAGE FOR EVERYONE ON THIS BOARD!!!!!!
Posted by Linda on Fri Dec 29 04:53:20 2000 (#2339)

Fran, Two weeks ago I called a lady that I didn't even know in Seattle. I got her name from a directory of churches in the area. It just so happens that the preacher's wife I talked with had a sister that had attempted suicide last year and so she had a bit of inside knowledge of it. She promised me she would get in touch with Laura. She did keep calling until she finally reached her. Laura told her she was going on a trip and I have not heard about anymore contacts but will email again to see if she has made any more progress. I am praying. That is my suggestion.

Re: MESSAGE FOR EVERYONE ON THIS BOARD!!!!!!
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Dec 29 06:20:45 2000 (#2342)

Laura just unsubbed from the Fumblers list. The Sarah McLachlan one. She's her favorite singer and she would NEVER do that unless she was serious. I've been e-mailing her and everything but she never writes back. I don't understand why she won't talk to me. She promised that if she ever started to feel desperate, she'd talk to me. And yet, my inbox is still waiting for her to write me. I hate not knowing. Oh, and Linda, good detective work! I wouldn't have thought of that in a million years! I do wonder if Laura is really going on a trip or if she's just saying that. Maybe by 'trip' she meant something else. I hope not.

Love, DB

Re: MESSAGE FOR EVERYONE ON THIS BOARD!!!!!!
Posted by Maggie on Fri Dec 29 06:22:50 2000 (#2343)

I know that part of the reason I keep on living, when I want to die is because I want to try help you guys out. Helping others gives me a purpouse to live, even if it is just in small ways. Maybe if we all expressed to Laura just how much we need her... how much it will screw us up if she left us... how selfish it would be to deny us, people who love her, her friendship and support, then she might almost feel guilt-tripped into hanging on. She says she isn't as strong as us, but she has been through more that some of us. She is extremely strong to get where she has now, and it is an inspiration to the rest of us to see how she battles. If she stopped coming here, I would lose that inspiration.

This probably wont do anything to help, but it is how I feel about Laura Rose, and if she is told honestly about how much we need her, and want to help her, maybe she might give life another chance.

hey ppl
Posted by rose on Thu Dec 28 21:57:41 2000 (#2330)

well hi everyone,

hope everyone is doing well. well so far i haven't si for 4 days and it is already really hard. i have lost 5 pounds and i can't sleep. i always cut before i go to bed so maybe thats why. well as you can see my bf sharon posted and i am happy that she is here. um i'm 14 and i live in georgia. i feel really bad at the moment. i have such a big urge to cut but i am trying to stop. i hope i make it thru today with out doing it. i don't know. it is just so easy to get away with. my parens know and everything but they didn't bother to take the scissors or anything out of my room. i guess they don't think it is that serious. sucks for them. well i am going to go play on the internet because thats all i have to do at the moment.

life
Posted by Butterfly on Thu Dec 28 23:19:04 2000 (#2331)

is it just me who finds life so utterly boring and pointless?

I get so bored i sometimes want to kill myself out of curiosity because i have nothing better to do with myself.

Re: life
Posted by rachel. on Thu Dec 28 23:21:53 2000 (#2332)

yeah i know what u mean. i feel just like that now. right now, i cant think of anythnig id rather do than kkill myself.

MARCUS IS MOVING IN 23 DAYS...
Posted by MELISSA on Fri Dec 29 00:48:57 2000 (#2333)

Oceans apart day after day And I slowly go insane I hear your voice on the line But it doesn't stop the pain If I see you next to never How can we say forever

Wherever you go Whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes Or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times That I thought would last somehow I hear the laughter, I taste the tears But I can't get near you now Oh, can't you see it baby You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go Whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes Or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive This romance But in the end if I'm with you I'll take the chance Oh, can't you see it baby You've got me goin' crazy Wherever you go Whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes Or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you

Re: MARCUS IS MOVING IN 23 DAYS...
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Dec 29 02:01:02 2000 (#2334)

you 2 should do soemthing special before he leaves, so that you have something to hold on to, i hope everything turns out alright

-ME-

alright guys....i gotta tell the truth
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Dec 29 02:17:55 2000 (#2335)

ugh..i finally get the chance to say something important and someone else comes home! geez!, i'll put this up there tomorrow... OH!! and i'm really sorry i've been posting so much.... -me-

Re: alright guys....i gotta tell the truth
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Dec 29 03:07:52 2000 (#2337)

OK, here's the thing, aorry about earlier, well...i dunno, but lately i just get thinking and when i think, things get messed up. i've been having these dreams, and ever since i was a little kid i would always fantasize this happening, but i dunno, maybe it means something, maybe it dosen't. but i just get these dreams like someone rapes me, and it's almost like i know it is happening and i'm aware of everything going on, except the person's face. i can never picture it. i'm sorry...i'm just so numb and depressed lately, and i feel like i have no one to talk to because all of my friends have problems too and i don't want to interfere with them. and the one person that i used to to talk to is in Florida for holiday vacation. he is my love, will, i am just so lost, sleep is about my only resort to being alive, and the only way i sleep is sleeping pills, i just look at them and i know i could just take a whole handfull, anything, just to slow my system down enough to stop my heart. i'm sitting here, and it's like....i have so much i should be thankful for why am i so selfish and greedy as to want anymore? grrr....i don't know anymore..i'm going to sulk in my own self pity for awhile.

-ME-

p.s. sorry this is so long

Re: alright guys....i gotta tell the truth
Posted by Ang on Fri Dec 29 09:19:23 2000 (#2345)

hay that dreamu have its similar to one i have but i donno anyways. i just wanted to say that u have depression so do i i finna;;y admited it and am getting some helpfor it no way do i feel better but but i do fell better that i finnaly admited it to my self ur 14 right?...i'm 16 if u wanna talk u can always e-mail me but hang in there kid sleepig pillswon't make the worl o away neither will vickidin belive me...i would know! much love ang

Re: alright guys....i gotta tell the truth
Posted by Kate on Sun Dec 31 03:55:09 2000 (#2394)

You sound exactly like me it is scary. Except I have no guy and probably never will. I am like a disease to them. It is sad becuase I love guys. Email me or write me.

am i still alive?
Posted by Ang on Fri Dec 29 09:05:22 2000 (#2344)

i havn't herd from any of since my first posting i havn't cut since dec 23rd it takes every last bit ofme not to but as long as i ware my new pink gap flanel pj's i don't...its weird ppl see my arm and freek "did u try tokill ur self?...girlwhats up with u?"and i say know but they think i'm lying they don't understnbad irts hard but they don't matter i do i havn't seen my bf in a over a month i know the first thing he's gonna do is pull up my sleves and look atmy armsoh well...is life supposed to be this hard at 16? i have now relised i havn'tmade a singl cut that won't leave a scare :S oh well i hope u are alldoing welli'm gonna try toreply to some ofur guyses postings i hope i do oksy kisses

Re: am i still alive?
Posted by Kate on Sun Dec 31 03:57:07 2000 (#2395)

I am so sorry sweetie that I have not been there for you. I have been my own depression. I feel so self centered. if you need me write me or email me.

Re: am i still alive?
Posted by Ang on Mon Jan 1 02:51:35 2001 (#2422)

its okay i'm not ur responsivlity some time i feel to needy and outehres feel bad becasue tehy can't give me as much attention as i somtimes require so don't make me feel bada bout ur self

Re: am i still alive?
Posted by Fran on Thu Jan 4 22:12:33 2001 (#2505)

My scars look really fucked up too. I have them all up both arms..there's nothing I can do about them. Cutting and killing yourself are mostly different. You have to cut WITH THE VEIN to kill yourself, cutting can be the nearest you can get to dying whilst still being alive But it's mostly about the PAIN... feeling the pain.Other people just will never understand unfortunately this is the way it is. Write to me any time Love Fran

I'M POSTING POSTING POSTING
Posted by YvOnNe on Fri Dec 29 10:36:41 2000 (#2346)

I BUILT THE HOUSE IN CANADA. -- HERE ARE THE DIRECTIONS-- GO ALL THE WAY DOWN HWY WWW.TALKCITY.COM -- THEN TURN RIGHT AT CHAT-- GO 3 MILES DOWN TIL YOU SEE "ALREADY KNOW" THEN ENTER "OUR CANADA" -- DONT ASK QUESTIONS JUST GO! STAY UNTIL EVERYONE IS THERE AND KEEP THE FIRE GOING UNTIL I GET THERE. (MY LATE CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR THE BOARD)

YvOnNe

Re: I'M POSTING POSTING POSTING
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Dec 29 15:30:02 2000 (#2349)

if u type in OUR CANADA it only comes up as "chat room OUR" do u want it OURCANANDA or our?

-ME-

I BUILT THE HOUSE IN CANADA!!!! URGENT
Posted by YvOnNe on Fri Dec 29 10:39:33 2000 (#2347)

SEE MY PREVIOUS POST

i cut kinda bad last night/this morning
Posted by cheze2 on Fri Dec 29 14:30:01 2000 (#2348)

^read subject. i have 4 big cuts that need stitches...i was going crazy, i kept on laughing and cutting, i dunno i'm messed... sorry just had to let someone know

-ME-

Re: i cut kinda bad last night/this morning
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Dec 29 21:56:37 2000 (#2351)

do you think i should just care for them myself? or should i tell someone? i mean i have cut this deep before just not so much in one time. how is someone supposed to tell someone that they need stitches!? geez! i'm sorry, i really gotta stop posting i'm hogging up all the space!

-ME-

Re: i cut kinda bad last night/this morning
Posted by Fran on Thu Jan 4 22:17:42 2001 (#2506)

GO to HOSPITAL or the cuts might get infected. Give a false name if you don't want your parents to find out PS There's also doctor confidentiality which is an oath and they shouldn't break it. Take care please Love Fran

About Laura.
Posted by DeliriousButterfly on Fri Dec 29 17:21:21 2000 (#2350)

Hi everybody!

Well, she FINALLY e-mailed me back! She told me that she knows that a lot of people care for her, but she doesn't care for herself. She has a personal issue that I don't feel comfortable discussing publicly because she wouldn't want that. anyway, Laura is trying really hard to stay alive right now. She said she may come back to the board someday but is afraid of not being welcome anymore. I told her that was ridiculous since we're all worried sick about her, but she said she's afraid of sounding like a drama queen. So, here's the deal: Everybody e-mail her like crazy and tell her we want her back on the board! I think we have a shot at making her believe in herself again. I know everybody will do this for her because you love her too! Thanks in advance! I love you all!

xoxo, DB

Cheze2
Posted by YvOnNe on Fri Dec 29 22:16:51 2000 (#2352)

i think i fixed it. help me get everyone there. we need to set some meet times and time zones.

thanks

Re: Cheze2
Posted by Cheze2 on Fri Dec 29 23:33:21 2000 (#2353)

OK! HEY EVERYONE!!!! READ THIS!!!! please respond to this with

your time zone: a time that you are free during the day: and uh....if u wanna goto CANADA!!!!:

hey everyone
Posted by Sharon on Fri Dec 29 23:54:01 2000 (#2354)

ok, i'm trying to stay away from my knife right now so i'm typing to occupy my hands. i haven't si for about a week now and it takes up a heck of a lot of willpower. plus i'm tired all the time now and i have really bad moodswings. i'm kinda mad at my parents at the moment. they know about the cutting and their just ignoring it, they haven't even bothered to take the scissors out of my room or anything. i mean, do they honestly think that one talk (what i mean by that is them talking to me and me not getting a word in edgewise) is gonna fix everything? well, sorry to spill my guts all over ya'll! writing helps take my mind off things. hugs to everyone, sharon ps. sorry this is a bit long! =)

Re: hey everyone
Posted by cheze2 on Sat Dec 30 00:18:01 2000 (#2355)

i hope you can last it out, i know how hard it is to last a week without cutting. i know exactly what u mean about your parents. i used to deliberatly leave out razors all over my room, it wouldn't take a genious to see them. and still they did nothing. my mother even walked in on me cutting once and she jus shook her head and said "i just don't understand" and left the room. feel free to spill ur guts! they look great!! :) kinda mushy though :) hehehe have fun! and hang in there! i have faith in u!

-ME-

HEY EVERYONE!!! READ THIS AND RESPOND ASAP!!!
Posted by cheze2 on Sat Dec 30 00:20:26 2000 (#2356)

HEY EVERYONE!!!! READ THIS!!!! please respond to this with

your time zone: a time that you are free during the day: and uh....if u wanna goto CANADA!!!!:

this is so we can set a time and a day when we can all get together and goto canada! (aka read fran's message) so please respond!

-ME-

Re: HEY EVERYONE!!! READ THIS AND RESPOND ASAP!!!
Posted by Lost on Sat Dec 30 03:33:32 2000 (#2358)

well i went to the thing... and uhm the room was called OUR just like u said..... and uhh there were 2 people in it... but it wasn't any of u guys! so i made a fool out of myself bcuz I thought it was people from here. yayayaya i'm a nerd! ok done. bye

Re: HEY EVERYONE!!! READ THIS AND RESPOND ASAP!!!
Posted by Maggie on Sat Dec 30 04:06:32 2000 (#2359)

OK I just tried to go into this OUR thing too, and there were 2 other people organising to meet in a hotel room to get it on...

I gather it's none of you guys...

Anyway, I live in the New Zealand time zone which is way out from the US, so I'll just keep on checking in, and hopefully bump into you. Thanks Yvonne for building our Canada... it's a great idea!

Re: HEY EVERYONE!!! READ THIS AND RESPOND ASAP!!!
Posted by Ang on Sat Dec 30 05:16:36 2000 (#2361)

umm...i don't live in canadsa how about washingigton thast closer to cali then canada is!!

grrrr
Posted by um... it's me, guys on Sat Dec 30 01:19:45 2000 (#2357)

hey... i just want you guys to know that i love you... thanks for all the emails (you know who you are)... I'm sorry.. but I just can't be of any use to you guys... you'll see that before too long.. but i love you, just the same... stay safe.

~laura (rose)

Saying goodbye...spread the words in this note
Posted by Sara on Sat Dec 30 05:09:47 2000 (#2360)

GOODBYE. This isn't the new Sara, it's the old one...14 years old from Ohio, I'm going out with Don...REMEMBER ME? Probably not. I haven't posted in forever, and my last posts were answered by about, oh, 2 people? I thought I was cared about here...and I was fighting the blade, fueled by the support I got from the people on this board. Well I've been forgotten now...no emails, no posts asking why it's been so long since I've posted...I posted every couple days, for a while!!! How could no one notice I had stopped? I guess I really am invisible, like I feared. Well fine, that's OK. I wish all of you luck, and I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you. I'm sorry you couldn't do more for me, too.

Re: Saying goodbye...spread the words in this note
Posted by MELISSA on Sat Dec 30 05:51:22 2000 (#2362)

I REMEMBER YOU. REALLY I DO. UM, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. NOT TRYING TO UPSET ANYONE BUT, WHEN I DISAPPEARED FEW PEOPLE CARED AND THEY JUST WENT ON WITH THEIR LIVES. I MEAN I COULD HAVE DONE IT, I COULD HAVE BEEN NONEXSISTANT AND NO ONE WOULD HAVE EVEN KNOW AND AFTER ABOUT OH 2 DAY NO ONE WOULD EVEN CARE OR REMEMBER. I MEAN I HOPE NO ONE GETS ALL PISSED OF OR ABYTHING UT THEY DO KNOW ITS TRUE, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF LOST. I NOTICE...WHERES GEMMA BEEM? JOE? BETH? LORI? SUICIDE GOTH? I DONT KNOW IF KATE IS STILL HERE I SOMETIMES CANT KEEP UP WITH ALL THE NEW PEOPLE (ITS OKAY I LUB YOU 2) BLUE ROSE BARLY VISITS, I WORRY ABOUT HER OFTEN. IT MAY SOUND KIND CRAZY BUT ONE DAY I COPIED EVERY SINGLE POST FROM THIS BORED (THERE HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN MORE SINCE) AND I READ THEM FROM TIME TO TIME. IT MAKES ME CRY, IT MAKES ME SCARED. I WONDER IF PEOPLE ARE AS EMOTIONAL AS I AM. I CRY OVER PEOPLE I DONT EVEN KNOW. BUT I DO REMEMBER YOU SARA AND I DO THINK ABOUT YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHO I AM. SO IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO OTHER THAN THIS BOARD MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS AT THE TOP AND I WILL TALK TO YOU AT ANYTIME.

LOVE PEACE N CHICKEN GREASE, MELISSA

Re: Saying goodbye...spread the words in this note
Posted by Linda on Sat Dec 30 15:26:08 2000 (#2371)

(((((Sara & Melissa))))) I remember both of you and have prayed for you MANY times. Since Thanksgiving, I have had to curtail my computer time with all the responsibilities of my family. I do still go to the board and read all the posts almost every day. Sometimes I think that I should stop and answer every one but that would be totally impossible. I do tend to get emotionally involved with whomever I correspond with. Sara,I believe you know that. I did notice you had not posted in a while but thought you might be busy as I was. I have about decided that I need to quit coming here myself. I feel bad because there are so many people who need long-term care here and I have a great desire to help each and every one but reality is that I also have a family that needs me. I wanted you to know that your feelings, Melissa, that you could leave and no one would notice are common feelings for everyone. I think it is healthy to realize that we are all forgettable. It keeps us humble. We get out of this life what we put into it. The thing I am most involved in is my church, but I know that if we suddenly stopped going, even though we are VERY involved, people would miss us at first, but someone else would come along and take our place and do all the duties that we have been taking care of. The point is, have a purpose, set that as a goal, then work towards it no matter whether anyone notices or not and you will be much better off. I am happy to report that Gemma was one that I got involved with months ago. She was very open to the message of love and hope that I offered her. She accepted Jesus as her Savior on July 12. She had a near suicide attempt shortly after that but has since come out of her depression. She is doing well in school and now has a good Christian boyfriend. Her mother, too, has accepted Jesus. Of course, I am sure that her life is not perfect, but she has accepted the gift that was offered her and is growing. That was my goal---to be able to help at least one person. Praise the Lord!!! There are others that I believe I have helped though none have taken all my admonitions. I do feel like I have made a few friends, but if I were to drop off, they would find others. If I had the power, I would force this gift on everyone here, knowing that it is the answer to your every need but I cannot. I am here for anyone that needs me. Please email me.

Re: Saying goodbye...spread the words in this note
Posted by Kate on Sun Dec 31 04:30:36 2000 (#2397)

I am here and fine. I have been posting since June and remember everyone. I find it is hard to post to everyone also. I just find the person that needs the most help and who has nobody to talk to. I feel bad that I have not been there for you guys.