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Threads 1001 to 1050

*Sigh*
Posted by Ariel on Sat Feb 17 00:13:56 2001 (#3674)

I have had the most horrible week...I want to cut myself so bad. Monday I hit some old ladys car at 6am...and the week just went down hill from there. Oh god. I wish I could cut myself, but it would let so many people, including myself down. It's so hard. Yesterday I had my very first appoitment with a therapist. Guess who didn't go? Yes me. I could find the courage to go. I felt like if I went that would be admitting defeat and that Im crazy. But really I am weak for not going...I hate myself so much sometimes. *sigh* Sometimes I wish I would just disapear....

*Ariel*

Re: *Sigh*
Posted by Strider on Sat Feb 17 07:55:59 2001 (#3679)

Now that's way to start monday, eh? Wheh, that must have been bad, and I can only imagine what the rest of the week was like if that was just an opener! Too bad about the therapist. You really should go, but make sure that you can handle it. AWESOME about not cutting though! I'm proud of you, as I know everyone is. Keep it up!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: *Sigh*
Posted by Nicke on Sat Feb 17 13:37:39 2001 (#3682)

I know exactly how you feel, I have to see a psychiatrist soon (I am just waiting for an appointment). I felt like it was admitting defeat and that I was admitting that I was a "psycho"! Now I just realise that it is just saying that I am experiencing some difficulties at the moment and need some help with them.

Hope I helped.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Whats up????!!!!
Posted by Christine on Sat Feb 17 05:08:09 2001 (#3675)

just thought I'd stop by and say high.Nothing really to talk about.JUst letting you all know I'm still alive.Theres noone really left from when I was here but High to all the new ppl too

Re: Whats up????!!!!
Posted by Strider on Sat Feb 17 08:01:48 2001 (#3680)

Well, hi to you too! And it's always good to hear that you're alive!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Whats up????!!!!
Posted by Nicke on Sat Feb 17 13:39:00 2001 (#3683)

Well hello there Christine. WASSUP!!!! to you too.

Nicke. XXXX

insane
Posted by Jessica3 on Sat Feb 17 19:23:05 2001 (#3684)

Hey glitter babes,

Yesterday I got suspended for 5 days for cutting in the girls bathroom. One of my so-called friends told on me. People act like I cut off my leg or something! I've been off my meds for three days and keep hearing my name whispers, among other things. I was actually seeing things last night! Maybe I am insane!

Re: insane
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 18 06:31:02 2001 (#3690)

Man, hallucenations. That's got to be messing with you! I can't believe your friend (I use that term loosely) dimed you out! That really sucks. I don't think that you're nuts, just all of the chemicals going through your brain because of stoppind the meds. After a while the chemicals will probably balance and you'll be OK. Don't quote me on that though!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: insane
Posted by Tara on Sat Feb 24 03:41:47 2001 (#3791)

they had no right to do that to you.they don't understand whats going on.they also should not be allowed in your buisiness anyway.THAT A FACT.you are not insane. no one is in this board.we do have problems that we all need to deal with.i know,i have been cutting for a year and a half.i know what it feels like to walk down a hall and have everyone whisper and point their fingers at you.mabye your friend was worried about you to.she might just want to help you.whatever the case, they shouldn't have suspended you for five days.n-e-way.things will get better.just wait.i've been through hell myself, but in the end it all works out.in a few days no one will even remember what happened and the torment at school will die off. but it will take some time. good luck. if you need anything or just wanna talk, e-mail me at my addy above^.

Your friend,

Tara Butterbaugh

stuff
Posted by none on Sat Feb 17 23:19:21 2001 (#3685)

I can't believe you're dead. I look at your cold body. What happened? I look at your wrist. These scars you protect and kept for your own personal amusement. You were just another disturbed teenager growing up to hide your problems. You looked at yourself in the mirror every morning trying to find a reason to live. You smiled at your array of masks. Always tried to reach out always tried to to figure it out tried to find real help. Never found what you were looking for. At least you can say you tried. I saw how hard you tried to find happiness. How hard you tried to find a way to love yourself. You've kept secrets from yourself. They are locked away in your mind. You tried to figure out who it was, exactly, that was taking apart your mind. The truth will set you free to what? Truth may be freedom but ignorance is bliss. You fought your dreams, you fought your demons. You always seemed to be the one with the disadvantage. You could never see. I'm proud that you made it so far. I understand why you left. I hate being the only one at my funeral.

Re: stuff
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 18 06:48:42 2001 (#3691)

Oh noboby, you're not a nobody to me. I promise that you wouldn't be the only one at your funeral. If I knew your name I would make sure to be there. But please let's not meet like that, It's the last thing I would want. I'll do what I can to try and make sure that we don't meet that way.

love and prayers, Colin

trigger
Posted by Jess on Sat Feb 17 23:31:11 2001 (#3686)

I was recently thinking of what made me feel bad.I found that the thing was my mum.Whenever she feels like having a go its me that gets it.This has hapened all my life so i know no different but its taken me quite a while to realise it.Before i took her with a pinch of salt coz i was young.Now i can't handle how i feel and take it out on myself.There are other reasons for me cutting but thats the main trigger. I also work with her and when she gets stressed she takes it out on moi.I get annoyed but can't do nything cos i'm not alone.

I'm glad i got that out. The other day i got suicidle and started to take pills.I got to the 5th one and had to do summit so couldn't finish the job.I'm kinda glad.not sure.

Love ya all

Jess

Re: trigger
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 18 06:58:14 2001 (#3692)

Goo to get it out eh? ALWAYS tell us when you feel like that. When you write something here you can always know that someone who understands will be reading it. It's a good feeling. You may not be sure but I know that I am, as I'm VERY glad you didn't finish taking the pills. Again, whenever you have something on your mind, write it here. It will be welcome with open arms.

love and prayers, Colin

Free Trial of a Cutters life
Posted by Suzie on Sun Feb 18 02:40:43 2001 (#3688)

haha, im back again, pulled once more into the depths of my despair, relying on the words of strangers to keep me functioning. I've had 1 1/2 months with out Psyke, and in that, 26 days without cutting (my own PR), but in those 19 days,the few seldom cuts have been deeper than ever befor. more gratifying than befor. more suductive than befor. more time is spent watching the clock at my school tick by, wanting to cut. More time is spent thinking about cutting, but less on the actual dead at hand. To some, that might be great, a big WOO HA! but to me, its shit. not cutting is worse than cutting itself. I lie to myself, and i lie to others around me. telling everyone and myself that im fine, that the world is great. when actually the world is crushing me. Killing me. My mask is murdering me. Sometimes i feel as if i cant breath. everyone pushes in on me, and is smuthering me without them knowing it. I feel like im damned. i feel i dont belong at my church, when church is the only thing i look forward to all week. sad to know you dont belong at the only thing you love, more than cutting that is. education has only made things worse. grades droping over 30 points cause teachers to worry, more people pester me, trying to find if anything is wrong with me, smuthering me even more. school is a hassle, living is a hassle. sometimes i feel as if death is the only answer, i pray for death to over take me. i pray that others who dont understand wont yell at me. sometimes i feel like an outsider, i have friends, plenty of them, to many actually, but none of them feel the way i do, think the way i do. none of them know how it feels to feel alone every day. its indescribebul. i feel as if no one knows, when i know millions know. I felt that at this site was the only people that were just like me, but i found that some of those people were no where near like me, they didnt care how fragile another person was. they were just like the people that judge me everyday. so i left this site. but leaveing only made me feel more alone. im so confused. i dont know who i am, i dont know what to think, or what to say. how to act. im going away in three days, to a church camp, i dont know how to act. and i dont know if i can make it 1 more day without cutting, let alone the week i will be there. im scared that when i go there i will be judged, that people might see my arms, and find out my secret. im tired of hiding, im tired of wearing long shirts, and collage shirts. Im tired of acting, i want to me, but i dont know how to be me, im scared of comeing back to this site, and im ever more afraid to leave. all i am is a big conflict, and i dont even know what to do about that

Re: Free Trial of a Cutters life
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 18 08:31:06 2001 (#3694)

Oh suzie. Don't feel scared of coming here. Please don't feel like that! We all want you here! Now, I realy want to tell you about the church camp. Tell the pastor there about your cutting. If the camp is anything like the ones I know, you won't be judged, you'll be loved. And you are. It may seem like God is so far from you right now but He's not. Jesus is right there with you. I hope that you'll be able to see that. I'm glad that you came back to the site, and we all care about you. Please know that I care. WE care. Not only that but we understand you because we experience it. I can promise you this I know that I will never judge you, in fact, if any of us judge eachother we're judging ourselves because we're all guilty of doing all of these things. We should not judge, but care about eachother and try to help! Suzie, I hope you can get through this and I'll do what I can to help you. I.. I don't know what more to say.

love and prayers, Colin

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Free Trial of a Cutters life
Posted by beautiful and dying on Sun Feb 18 11:39:33 2001 (#3696)

oh sugar...it's so good you nearly managed to stop cutting...you've gotta keep resisting as long as possible. what you wrote i could kinda relate to...keep fighting baby, it'll be worth it in the end xxxxxxmwah

Re: Free Trial of a Cutters life
Posted by anthony on Mon Feb 19 03:13:06 2001 (#3702)

I feel the pain. I use to be like this.

more stuff
Posted by none on Sun Feb 18 03:29:22 2001 (#3689)

I feel so alone. I can't leave my own prison. I lock myself up so you can't see me. I pretend the pain doesn't exist. Where did all this blood come from? Why are you laughing at me? I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be dead. I listen to the soft music playing somewhere in my head. Everyone has problems so why can't I cope? I eat pieces of my heart to survive. I let you hurt me so I don't have to hurt myself. But it all catches up and I have to make up for it. Decieving myself is the answer. I'm so happy it makes me sick. They all believe my smiles and giggles. I lay on the grave of my future. Walking dead has its advantages. I can't see. I just want to see my blood so I can believe I really am alive somehow. The prescence of the dead surround me. Cold hands cover me. I see there dead bodies floating somewhere on a sea of glass. Society just walks over them. They are too high up on their clouds to give respects to the dead. I want to be swallowed up by the sun. Someone please hurt b/c that is how it is suppose to work not the other way around.

Re: more stuff
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 18 08:05:21 2001 (#3693)

Oh none. I wish I knew your name. Whatever your name is, know that your thoughts were once mine. They consumed me and grinded in my mind all day and night. I hope What I say can be of some help to you. I want you to know that we will never trample on you or hurt you. We're here to help because we care. That's all I can say.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: more stuff
Posted by Maggie on Tue Feb 20 10:21:24 2001 (#3711)

Wow, whoever you are I wish that I had the ability to desribe the way I feel as eloquently as you have. I empathise with every single word you wrote. The same feelings cloud my world too. You are not alone on this board though.

To Strider
Posted by none on Sun Feb 18 20:08:41 2001 (#3697)

Colin, Thanks for being so sweet. I really need that. If you want to know my name or anyother information email me at kittenrkh@aol.com. none

Outside
Posted by Ang on Sun Feb 18 20:57:53 2001 (#3698)

"i'm on the out side and i'm lookin in, i can see through you see your true colors cause inside you're ugly your ugly like me, but i can see through u see to the real you"

Aaron LEwis and Fred Durst "Outside"

Ang p.s. this reminds me of the relation ship we all have with onew another

Re: Outside
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 19 02:39:24 2001 (#3700)

There's alot of truth behind that Ang, alot of truth. Although I think that inside each of us is beautiful on the inside, it's just the rest of the world that views us as ugly.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Outside
Posted by Suzie on Tue Feb 20 20:03:13 2001 (#3740)

thats really cool. i think we all feel like that at one point and another. this is really stupid, but try siging christmas carols it helps, reallyu dose, even ask strider, it dose

Re: Outside
Posted by Ang on Tue Feb 20 21:56:53 2001 (#3745)

yea some times i just blast christams charols

Re: Outside
Posted by Suzie on Tue Feb 20 23:05:01 2001 (#3746)

ok i know its stupid but it really helps, honestly. it really dose

Falling in love
Posted by Ang on Sun Feb 18 23:33:08 2001 (#3699)

Falling i n love leavesa ppl in sucjh a vonrable position and there comes a point were u can let your self fall or dinie it but once you fall everything is diffrent your veiws on things changeb you let diffrent thing that would normaly never bother you effect you like a couple fighting on a street makes you cry at the tjhough of unb happiness but on the outyher side of the street there's a couple so in love and kissing holding eachother on a break from there mid day run that makes you cry because that feling is home to you then there are the dreams that make you so happy u know the one's were he propses and u get amrried and have children nand wake up smiling then there are the dreams were you wake up with tears streaming down your face becasue you've4 just dreamt thet the man you've let your self fall for made your self dso imotional open to and trusted more than any outher human in the world has just told you thta HE Don't love you and he dosn't want you any more...tehn you wake up and press #1 on the sped dial and there he his saying that he loves you wishes you were there, ang

Re: Falling in love
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 19 02:43:57 2001 (#3701)

Wow. I ... I... wow.

Re: Falling in love
Posted by Suzie on Tue Feb 20 19:59:41 2001 (#3738)

go to http://www.poetry.com please submit your pome, i can garentee that you will win some cash, thanks

angry
Posted by Alana on Mon Feb 19 17:42:13 2001 (#3703)

I'm angry at this world for turning its back at me.

Re: angry
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 19 18:39:15 2001 (#3704)

I'm sorry.

Re: angry
Posted by Suzie on Tue Feb 20 19:58:00 2001 (#3737)

you know what really helps. scream, just scream, scream until you dont think you can scream anymore, hell, go rip up some pillows. run, kick scream, flip out, just scream the world till you dont hate it anymore, do what ever you feel you need to, it will help, trust me, it will

Have you ever....
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 19 18:53:30 2001 (#3705)

I was just feeling something right now and nobody's around, so, yeah.

Have you ever had that feeling when you've hurt someone you care about and there's nothing you can do about it, and you know that it was your own stupididty that hurt that person? Yeah...

Thanks for listening.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Have you ever....
Posted by Nicke on Mon Feb 19 19:07:14 2001 (#3706)

I get that feeling practically every day, well not that often but it does hurt though to know that you have hurt someone. I think it makes me feel more suicidal when that happens because I feel that I am not worthy enough.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: Have you ever....
Posted by Sweetie on Tue Feb 20 01:52:06 2001 (#3708)

You have to understand something. As much as you may have hurt that person, you had no other choice at the time. Life hurts. Pain and suffering is an experience not a curse. There was nothing else to do at the time. Just remember that the hurt you caused doesn't even compare to the way you make that person feel so loved and wanted. Although the person may not tell you that now, just know that she loves you with all that she is. Forever. She'll never forget you. She loves you no matter what.

UR, sweetie xoxox

Re: Have you ever....
Posted by Suzie on Tue Feb 20 19:53:27 2001 (#3736)

everyday. every single day

Re: Have you ever....
Posted by blackrose on Sun Feb 25 03:43:29 2001 (#3802)

I feel like that almost everyday

Strider
Posted by Jess on Mon Feb 19 20:47:59 2001 (#3707)

Hey man!Give yourself a treat.You are there for everyone on this board at the min.Your like....SUPERMAN! (of a different kind) Keep helpin but don't forget yourself.

Love ya

Jess x

Re: Strider
Posted by Strider on Tue Feb 20 05:40:43 2001 (#3710)

Thanks for the accolades, but I'm not too super. I just have this little thing where I care about people, that's all. This is one of the few things I can give advice on and help people with so I like to do it. Thanks alot though.

love and prayers, Colin

SUPERMAN!!
Posted by Suzie on Tue Feb 20 19:51:49 2001 (#3735)

he's more than just superman, he SUPER superman, i knwo thats stupid, he's like, PSYKE MAN!! thats it, hes PSYKE MAN!

WILL U PPL PLS READ MY LAST 2 POSTINGS
Posted by Ang on Tue Feb 20 04:03:51 2001 (#3709)

pls read them its inportant

Re: WILL U PPL PLS READ MY LAST 2 POSTINGS
Posted by heavenleigh on Tue Feb 20 12:32:37 2001 (#3714)

I just re-read your post *falling in love* and although I don't know your exact situ but I think you might need to step back a bit an d enjoy what you have. Think about how even though everything else might be a disaster you have someone who you love and who loves you and hold onto that for NOW without screwing yourself up thinking about what may or may not happen. It's great to have dreams about a beautiful future with someone but the present is better cos noone can take that away. Don't know if this is what you were refering to but I do my best and hope it helps - email if you need to. happy thoughts Sarah

Re: WILL U PPL PLS READ MY LAST 2 POSTINGS
Posted by Suzie on Tue Feb 20 19:49:16 2001 (#3734)

i read them. i want you to know that I printed out you falling in love pome and put it in my junorle (cant spell, hehe) and its really lovely, can you do me a favor, if you dont mind, would you post more and more here, because i love reading them, i really do enjoy them, thanksx Tootaloo

Re: WILL U PPL PLS READ MY LAST 2 POSTINGS
Posted by Ang on Tue Feb 20 21:55:01 2001 (#3744)

i'll try i'm just starting to get back into my poems but expect atleats a couple more

Quotes
Posted by Maggie on Tue Feb 20 10:33:19 2001 (#3712)

I like this quote:

"Death is an altered state of consciousness" by Luciano Saber in 'The Real 007'

Also by the same guy: "The only thing that's real is the lies" in 'Placebo Effect'.

Re: Quotes
Posted by Strider on Tue Feb 20 17:22:57 2001 (#3724)

Luciano Saber eh? I heard that he's a pretty famous actor from someone. Now who was it that told me that? (heh!) Very cool quotes though!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Quotes
Posted by Suzie on Tue Feb 20 19:46:35 2001 (#3733)

awesome! here's a quote, i think its froma sugar ray song, but well

"pull the shades razor blades, i hate you so but i love you more"

or maby its i love you so but i hate you more, cant quite remember, but you get the drift,

antideps - advice please
Posted by heavenleigh on Tue Feb 20 12:24:33 2001 (#3713)

I've been on antideps for a while (cipramil/citalopram). I've recently cut down the dosage and I'm finding I'm wanting to cry or scream all the time. I don't know whether I need to go back on the full dose or cut down futher. I'd really like to do without them if I could. Does anyone have any good advice or similar experiences?

Re: antideps - advice please
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 20 14:16:09 2001 (#3716)

I have been on Sertraline or Zoloft for about three weeks now and I am going to the doctors in about 10 mins to change them. About a week ago I started to feel very hyperactive at night. On Saturday I absolutely flipped. I was crying, shouting screaming, punching walls, headbutting things. It got that bad I went to the emergency surgery to ask if I could come off the antideps as they were making me worse and he told me NO and gave me something for my aggitation. It knocked me out before I got home.

What I am trying to say is that I think we all would like to come off our medication if we could but sometimes it can be more dangerous. What you need to do is speak to your doctor about how you are feeling and see what they suggest!

Hope things improve.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: antideps - advice please
Posted by Alana on Tue Feb 20 15:27:41 2001 (#3718)

I have been on zoloft for about 5 months now. I started off on a low dosage and then slowly the dosage has increased. I hate them. I can't sleep well, I can't think properly. And everytime they increase the dosage, I feel like I'm dying. I get very weak, dizzy and shaky. I can't stop crying, and I can't sleep at all. I hate them, I don't want to take them anymore. I know that once I get off them, I'll go back to being very depressed. But maybe its worth it. I want to get better on my own, not with the help of some stupid drug. This sucks.

Re: antideps - advice please
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 20 17:21:19 2001 (#3723)

You really should see your doctor and ask them to change them. As I said I have been to the doctors 2day and in very rare cases they can cause aggressive behaviour and I have now been put on Paroxetine or Seroxat. Maybe if you explain what is happening to you then your doctor will change them for you.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: antideps - advice please
Posted by Suzie on Tue Feb 20 19:43:49 2001 (#3732)

my own personal opion, you should talk to your doc, being your doc knows more about it than we do. but best of luck!

Re: antideps - advice please
Posted by Maggie on Wed Feb 21 09:11:31 2001 (#3755)

OH MY GOD!!! Finally I found someone who is also on Cipramil!!! Nobody I have ever met on these board things is on it... I know exactly how you feel! I tried cutting down and there was a drastic effect on my emotional stability, but I hated the side effects of being on them even more. The 'zombie-like' feeling so that you have no reactions to anything. Dizziness, yawning, things like that. I was only on 20mg/day though, but was also taking 10mg of amitripthyline. But two weeks ago I stopped cold turkey from both of them. It was pure hell... the withdrawel symptoms are yukky, so I don't recommend it. I went straight back into depression, cutting, wanting to die when for the few months that I was on meds, I never felt that way. But I don't regret going off them now that my withdrawel is over. I am not numb anymore, and I am better than how I was when I first took the pills. PLEASE EMAIL ME about this if you wanna talk more.

Thanks everyone
Posted by heavenleigh on Wed Feb 21 12:42:42 2001 (#3756)

Thanks to everyone who responded, it helps a lot. Just thought I'd let you know that I'm stable again (at least for a while) I've had to start taking the full dose again, and I a bit wiped out but a bit better, and I've realised that I have to be a good girl and keep taking the tablets. I'll have to talk to my doc, she's really good and practical, but i can't see har til easter cos I'm at uni at the moment and I don't want to go and see anyone at the health centre here because you never see the same doc twice. Seems like all the meds have fairly bad side effects, if only someone would invent a perfect antidep!

Lither - are you OK?
Posted by heavenleigh on Tue Feb 20 12:39:17 2001 (#3715)

You havent posted in ages and I'm starting to worry. If your fine and don't need to vent then great but if not we're still here for you. I miss your wonderful poetry.

Re: Lither - are you OK?
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 20 14:18:44 2001 (#3717)

I was also wondering where she had gotten to. I think I mentioned something when I asked where everyone had gone. I too miss her beautiful poetry.

Come back, even if it is only to let us know that you are alright.

Nicke.

Re: Lither - are you OK?
Posted by Alana on Tue Feb 20 15:29:42 2001 (#3719)

Hey guys, Lither is a he, not a she. Just thought I'd settle some of the confusion there.

Re: Lither - are you OK?
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 20 17:24:36 2001 (#3725)

Yeah sorry!

Re: Lither - are you OK?
Posted by Suzie on Tue Feb 20 19:41:58 2001 (#3731)

well lither, if you ever do happen to come back to the site, just know that we are all praying for you and we all wish you the best, hang in there, it will get better, i promise

question
Posted by Ignorance is Bliss on Tue Feb 20 16:42:01 2001 (#3720)

ive really got a question, ive been cutting for about 3 years, and where i live, springs starting and i was wondering what do you guys do in the spring and summer, if you guys cut on your arm. because i stoped last summer which was about the hardest thing i had to do, and im afraid I wont be able to stop this summer, please help! thanxs Ignorance is Bliss

Re: question
Posted by Alana on Tue Feb 20 17:07:14 2001 (#3721)

Well I cut really bad in the summer last year. At first I didn't cut on my arm because I had to wear a tshirt at work. But by the end I couldn't take it and I ended up hacking up my arms anyways. Nobody really noticed. The people that did already knew that I cut so they just got more worried. I don't really know why I'm telling you this, cuz I'm not much of a help. If its too hard, then just come up with alot of excuses.

Re: question
Posted by Strider on Tue Feb 20 17:27:38 2001 (#3727)

Well I cut ONLY on my forearms, so what I did was wear nothing but long sleve shirts. Mabey it's because I'm a guy, but nobody questioned it. They just thought I had changed my style. And hey! If you ever need a place to just rant and vent your feelings by all means come back and post!

prayers, Colin

Re: question
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 20 18:04:29 2001 (#3728)

I realised something the other day, that I have nothing to be ashamed of and I wore a t-shirt for the first time. I thought everybody was looking and they were but I realised that as long as I didn't make it an issue then nobody else would. So don't be ashamed of yourself. I know that it is very hard at first but it gets slot easier. You just have to remember that you are the same person beneath your scars and cuts so ppl shouldn't see you as any different!

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: question
Posted by pixiedust on Tue Feb 20 20:01:09 2001 (#3739)

i try to stop cutting my arms and wear long sleeves or fishnet sleeves. i cut my stomach instead as no one except my g/f will see them and that isnt an issue. try not 2 be ashamed of your cuts.

Re: question
Posted by blackrose on Sun Feb 25 03:53:37 2001 (#3803)

I just got back from Florida w/my dad and sis and for the first time in months I wore tank-tops and shorts...everywhere we went ppl would stare... I tried to be brave but it's not that easy...I just acted like they werent there and it worked for the time being.

About Lither
Posted by Strider on Tue Feb 20 17:18:06 2001 (#3722)

Well, seeing as how Lither lives in the same town as me and I talk to him when I can, I think I'll clear up the questions.

Lither doesn't post much because his parents are nuts. When they find new cuts they punish him, which is pretty stupid because it makes him feel worse and makes him cut even more! Part of the punishment is no internet. His parents think that if he talks about his problems it will only make things worse so they try and isolate him from everyone who cuts. It's so stupid! I wanted to tell all this because the odds of him being able to let you know how he is are pretty slim. He's a good friend of mine and I care about him like he's my younger broher, because in a way, he is. So don't think that he's not posting because he doesn't feel included or anything, it's because his parents think that talking about his problems will mess him up. Yeah, I've been tempted to beat his parents down with a very large stick, and every time I hear about some other way they punish him I get more and more tempted to grab a saw and head to the tree out back. It really is too bad. Talk to you all later.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: About Lither
Posted by heavenleigh on Wed Feb 21 13:00:20 2001 (#3759)

That's awful, its practically child abuse. Please tell Lither we all care and hope we'll meet up in a perfect world where no-one punishes anyone for hurting.

Paroxetine
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 20 17:27:17 2001 (#3726)

I've just changed my medication from Zoloft to Paroxetine or Seroxat is the brand name. Just wondering if anyone is on them and if so are they any good and do they have any weird or bad side effects?

Nicke. XXXX

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by fasfafda on Tue Feb 20 18:18:26 2001 (#3729)

what is all this medicine that you are talking about,. sorry, i dont reallu know+

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by Suzie on Tue Feb 20 19:40:03 2001 (#3730)

im not on them personally, because i dont take any meds, but just good luck with meds, hope everything workds out for ya

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 20 20:13:48 2001 (#3741)

Thanx and fasfada they're anti-depressants.

Nicke. XXXX

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by fasfafda on Tue Feb 20 20:29:22 2001 (#3743)

oh, thanks

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by Nicke on Tue Feb 20 20:14:08 2001 (#3742)

Thanx, and fasfada, they're anti-depressants.

Nicke. XXXX

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by heavenleigh on Wed Feb 21 12:51:58 2001 (#3757)

Look at Fran's posts on "I've stopped taking my medication" a couple of weeks ago. She's on paroxetine but I think she's away at the moment. Good luck and hope it helps. Love Sarah

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by Gnimia on Tue Feb 27 19:47:35 2001 (#3885)

I was on Seroxat for several months, a couple of years ago. i dont remember it having a side effects, but i also dont remember it doing me much good, not to say that it wont for you. i am currently a huge dose of Venlafaxine, which does seem to help some of my "symptoms". the thing to bear in mind is that, if somethiong doesnt work, something else will, and you will find it.

my website, please go here,
Posted by Suzie on Tue Feb 20 23:09:57 2001 (#3747)

hi all, i have this website i just made, its not really done but im just trying to get it out there in the public, give me some tips on what to do too, thanks, byebye

http://www.geocities.co m/renthead020/

thanks

<3 later <3

Suzie

i want to die
Posted by tara on Wed Feb 21 00:47:31 2001 (#3748)

I fucking hate my pathetic little life.Any time I think that I am going to be fine,I fuck up and cut myself again.I don't know how much longer I can deal with all the fucking pain.I am so close to just picking up a knife and ending it all,so I won't be around to fuck up anymore.I slowly get closer to slitting my wrists every hour of the day.I also eat a lot less than I used to.I want to die so bad.My family tries to help me,but it does not work.Anytime that I am alone,I always end up hurting myself in some way or another.WHY CAN'T I GET BETTER?????????????

Re: i want to die
Posted by Strider on Wed Feb 21 02:05:04 2001 (#3749)

Oh Tara, I've been worried about you! I'm SO glad you decided to post here again instead of ending your life. Please, if you read this e-mail me as soon as you can, or if you have some sort of Instant Messanger please contact me! My AOL is UndeadLine and I've got the MSN one as well. We all care about you and don't want you to kill yourself. Please...

love and prayers, Colin

Re: i want to die
Posted by Suzie on Wed Feb 21 04:01:12 2001 (#3750)

waoh nelly, slow down a bit and clear your head. think about the good of life, think about things you like, and something you love, something you cherish. think about the good, think about the fun you have had in life. Maby you love music, think about that passion, maby there's that favorite tv show that you just cant miss, think about that, or maby theres a sport that you so kick at and love. think about the happy times, the time you totally aced that test, if you still feel that you need to end the world, go kill a pillow, scream and kick and beat the living shit out of the pillow. man i mean tear that thing up, rip every feather (or what not) inside it, just beat that thing to a pulp, beat the pillow, not you, scream kick, flip the frick out, but just dont hurt yourself, and one other thing that is really helpful, sing christmas carols, dont ask why it helps, but just blasting O HOLY NIGHT dose add some humor, its really odd, i know, but it helps, trust me, ask stider if you dont belive me

<3 later <3

Suzie

Re: i want to die
Posted by none on Wed Feb 21 04:16:40 2001 (#3752)

hey don't kill yourself. life sucks but death sucks too. it will not end your pain. i know exactly what you mean because i'm going through the same thing. i can't offer any advice b/c i don't have any but the one thing i can tell you is killing yourself does make the pain or hurt go away. none

lonely
Posted by none on Wed Feb 21 04:11:55 2001 (#3751)

I sit here alone. I hate being by myself. I can't have love me because you can't love someone if you don't truly know them. You say you care, you say you'll be there. All you are is curious as to why I cry when I think you aren't looking. You say tell me, I'll be here. I cry and try to hold on to any memory left of you. How come they can always love until there is something wrong. I guess it's all my fault. I suppose there was something I could do. I'll just pretend I'm alive for now. I'll go to bed for another night of dreamless sleep to wake up to dream. All I have is me but I hate myself so that doesn't do me much good. I need someone real to save me. But I'm all alone so where does that leave you?

Re: lonely
Posted by Strider on Wed Feb 21 05:31:24 2001 (#3753)

None I wish you could see that we do care. All I have to know is that you exist for me to care. It doesn't matter if I've never met you, but I care. I wish I could be there in person so you could see how much I do care. You've got more than yourself, always remember that. Mail me, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: lonely
Posted by Suzie on Wed Feb 21 16:28:41 2001 (#3761)

aww sweetie, it will be ok. i know you're scared, but you just gotta be up there, keep fighting , you can do it, like sritder said, were here to talk, email me at Renthead020@aol.com if you ever need to talk, keep fighting there, and remember sign christmas carols, it helps honstley

<3 Later <3

Suzie

poem......
Posted by what's-her-name on Wed Feb 21 06:44:05 2001 (#3754)

ICK! 2.17.01 I'm finding this hill isn't so hard to climb, now that my body's not dragging yours behind. Call the devil tomorrow anytime before noon. Tell him daddys' little girl will be coming home soon. Been spending too much time unraveling those truths. Brilliantly tied like a childs' last noose. I seek the level that water acheives. And I'm hiding behind these long bloody sleeves. Your fur is uncovered like the motive and its' mask. I just can't seem to get you off of my back. I know you noticed the evil I hide. You are the only one that visits inside. I sweat out the convictions that hid in my mouth. I know that you felt it when my revenge ran south. Yes, we've had our problems, but then you just smile. Seemingly making my pain worthwhile. But you know this is impersonal and opinions mean nothing. I'm trapped in a world with no gift to bring. Scratching at the door for just one of your hands. But selfishly afraid you've sold your demands. Why do I have to be reminded to breathe? Maybe I'm just waiting for you to leave. Lord knows you've done it too many times. I wish you would take me, and leave this behind. Kiss all my scars and watch them fade. Hold down my cross after the sinner has prayed. Cut off my horns with the teeth you have filed. Make my age become that of a child. Give me the innocence that was so wrongfully taken. Kill off this girl that has been all but forsaken.

Re: poem......
Posted by heavenleigh on Wed Feb 21 12:56:58 2001 (#3758)

Whatever your name is, you can truly write. I love your rhymes, I can never write rhyming poetry cos it ends up really corny.

Re: poem......
Posted by Suzie on Wed Feb 21 16:32:10 2001 (#3762)

whats - her - name , you truly were blessed with an amazing talent. just want to let you know that everything will be ok, you just gotta fight, sing christmas carols, that helps, and email me anythimg you ever need to k? good luck, ill be praying for ya <3 Later <3

Suzie

Re: poem......
Posted by Strider on Thu Feb 22 04:52:07 2001 (#3768)

Wow, more poetry from you. Your writing makes me think of so many things. Like I'm in another universe, one that you've created for all of the feelings and emotions in you. Thanks for showing me the door to that world.

love and prayers, Colin

MISCARRIAGE!!
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 21 14:36:41 2001 (#3760)

I just found out yesterday that my sister has had a miscarriage. When I found out 2 weeks ago that she was pregnant it was more than just the fact that I was going to be an auntie that made me happy it was a reason to live. I knew that I would have something to look forward to. So when I found out yesterday that she had a miscarriage it destroyed me. I have no reason to live anymore. Everything has gone that had any meaning in my life.

Thanx for listening. Nicke. XXXX

Re: MISCARRIAGE!!
Posted by Suzie on Wed Feb 21 16:39:32 2001 (#3763)

aww, sweetie im sorry. I know how it is, my sis had one too, so im sharing the pain with ya. there are plenty of reasons to live. just because she had a misscarragie dosent mean she wont have another one, and when she dose you gotta go be an wicked aunt to that kid, you have to spoil the pants of oh him (or her) when him(her) is old enough you gotta take them to run over the mall, hey maby when the kid is pissed at your sister (s)he will run to you for condolences, just because this isnt happining right now, dosent mean that it wont happing. keep praying, ill will for you, <3 Later <3

Suzie

Re: MISCARRIAGE!!
Posted by Alana on Wed Feb 21 21:42:54 2001 (#3766)

Awww don't worry, it'll be ok! My sister just had one about 2 months ago, and I too was kinda upset. But guess what? She's preagnet (i can't remember how to spell that? Meah) but its all in gods hands. Whatever he has planned is the way things go. A friend taught me that :^)

Re: MISCARRIAGE!!
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 23 06:04:48 2001 (#3778)

Oh Nicke, that's awful. I'm so sorry to hear that. One thing I will tell you though, you don't need to be an aunt to make your life complete. I know this. There are so many people that care about you. All of us on the board, parents and friends. We all want you to be here and alive with us, so please don't end it Nicke. Please....

love and prayers, Colin

going away
Posted by Suzie on Wed Feb 21 16:41:39 2001 (#3764)

hey all, im jsut going away for the week end, i know you dont care, but owell, so il be at camp for the next 3 days, have fun and stay safe and SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS!

<3 Later <3

Suzie

Re: going away
Posted by Nicke on Wed Feb 21 17:39:51 2001 (#3765)

Who says we don't care! I know I do. Hope you have a great time at camp. Post us to tell us all about it.

hey everyone
Posted by Sharon on Thu Feb 22 01:39:43 2001 (#3767)

hey guys, just wanted to drop in and see how ya'll are doing. i've been good, haven't cut and am moving past that. i just wanted to encourage all of you, i know that most of y'all have been thru way more than me and everything, but there is hope. it may not look like that from inside of whatever gunky pit you're in, but . . . ok, corny quote time, "shadows are only proofs that light's nearby" so, anyway, enough sappiness, i love you all and hope that everything will get better.

hugs,

sharon

one more for ya... a really personal one
Posted by what's-her-name on Thu Feb 22 07:21:06 2001 (#3769)

Death In Kent 11.19.00 I wish that these tired eyes would never shut again. For every time I fall asleep, I only dream of him. His acne scars covered up by his dark and haunting beard. His body something that held me down and led me to this fear. Thirteen years thrown down the drain, a sacrifice he made me. Merely a chapter in his pathetic book - proud of the fact he laid me. He kept a lock of my precious hair as a trophy to hang at home. A hand on my head - the other on his pants - and fingers that like to roam. "This is our little secret", he selfishly said as the tears rolled down my cheek. "I'll cut you up in a million pieces if I ever hear you speak". I thought that he was almost done, but then I saw the tape. He opened my pants and I shut my eyes - praying it wasn't rape. Four times my age and three times the size, he still found me appealing. It must have been the thoughts he got the times he saw me kneeling. The ground was dry, but he was wet as he came again and again. He tore my life apart inside - all while owning a grin. My screams had fallen upon deaf ears, as he eagerly preceded But the time soon came where he could take no more, and I was no longer needed. So he tossed me aside and ran like hell, to avoid persecution. Making me believe what I had just done was a form of prostitution. And now I have no one to blame, so I put it all on me. Murdered youth and stolen smiles - that you will never see.

Re: one more for ya... a really personal one
Posted by a chick on Fri Feb 23 03:50:55 2001 (#3774)

Hey What's-her-name,

You rule baby!!!

A chick

Re: one more for ya... a really personal one
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 23 06:09:24 2001 (#3779)

Oh my God. It makes me sick to know that people like who do that exist. It makes me ashamed to be a guy. I know that nothing i say or do can change what has happened to you, but I'm here if you need someone to talk to, so mail me and IM if you need to, alright?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: one more for ya... a really personal one
Posted by fran on Thu Mar 1 11:46:19 2001 (#3964)

you poor poor babe...your poetry is haunting . I'd really really like to hear more can you email me some and you know if you ever need to talk..... I've been away for a bit so I don't know the new people but it's great to have you. glitter is the light of my life as is Canada. I will tell you all about Canada if you'd like. We should go there more often. I can't remember the last time anyone went. love fran

hey
Posted by Ariel on Fri Feb 23 01:21:27 2001 (#3770)

I just wanted to say Hi. I hope that everyone is doing well. :o)

*Ariel*

Re: hey
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 23 06:11:33 2001 (#3780)

Hello again Ariel! I didn't know you too well from before, but thanks for stopping by. I myself am doing good, but how are you doing? Still thinking about you.

love and prayers, Colin

Hemorrhage
Posted by Alana on Fri Feb 23 02:27:48 2001 (#3771)

I don't know....the lyrics to this song are exactly how I feel right now. I know it sounds stupid, but I had to share with somebody. Thanks for listening!

Memories are just where you laid them Drag the waters, until the depths give up their dead What did you expect to find? Was it something you left behind? Don't you remember everything I said When I said Don't fall away and leave me to myself Don't fall away and leave love bleeding In my hands In my hands again Leave love bleeding In my hands Love lies bleeding Hold me now I feel contagious Am I the only place you've left to go? Some movie; black and white Dead actors, vacant lies Over and over and over again she cries Don't fall away and leave me to myself Don't fall away and leave love bleeding And I wanted, you turned away You don't remember, but I do You never even tried - "Hemorrhage" Fuel

Re: Hemorrhage
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 23 06:14:46 2001 (#3781)

Thanks for letting me know how you feel.

love and prayers, Colin

i am still here
Posted by tara on Fri Feb 23 03:19:30 2001 (#3772)

hey guys,i am still here.thanx for your support.i really need it at this point.i am doing a lot better than i was.as you can see my e-mail adress has changed.colin,i really liked the e-mail that you sent me.i e-mailed you back from our public libery.i hope that you got it.if you did, please send the next one to the new e-mail.frognrv@yahoo.com.well i am going to go for now.i just wanted to let you guys know that i am still alive.

Your Friend,

Tara Butterbaugh

Re: i am still here
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 23 06:21:04 2001 (#3782)

I'm SOOOOOO glad you're OK Tara. I was so worried for you. That's great that you're doing better! Right on! You say you have to go for now, but don't make it forever. Keep us informed on how you're doing and when you feel down, post something or e-mail one of us, OK? Talk to you later.

love and prayers, Colin

rain
Posted by none on Fri Feb 23 03:50:31 2001 (#3773)

I lie on the ground. Rain washes over me. Cold silver drops burning me with its icy touch. I pretend I'm asleep in this small world of inconvience. I'll just pretend I'm not awake. I won't be a part of your game today. I am freezing. I don't want to be alone. Always reaching out but I always get the wrong person. I will pretend that blood flows from some wrong done to me by some one else. I don't want to be in denail but it's the way to go these days. I'll dream of when I was a child. Pretend that those were happy days. I'll think of my youth. Still young but all these problems have made me old. I walk away from my body. I can't live like this anymore.

Re: rain
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 23 06:24:46 2001 (#3783)

I keep reading you poetry and I just can't find words to describe what I feel about it. Sorry. All I know is that I'm glad you're writing and getting these feelings out of you instaed of locking them inside.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: rain
Posted by fran on Thu Mar 1 11:50:52 2001 (#3965)

absolutely enchanting and very sad too. 'I will pretend that blood flows from some wrong done'.......sometimes poetry is the only way to say things. rainbow shining raindrops Franxxx

relapse?!?!
Posted by Teresa on Fri Feb 23 04:43:10 2001 (#3775)

I have never posted a message here before, but it seems that I am more desperate for help than I once thought. I have not injured myself in any way in over 6 months. Now, all of a sudden I am obsessing about cutting. I can't go more than a few hours without intense desire to cut. To say that this is dissapointing is a huge understatement. I thought my self injuring days were over. Now I'm hoping to find comfort in strangers because my own support system is somewhat limited at the moment. Please, can anyone offer anything that might help? Thanks

Re: relapse?!?!
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 23 06:41:32 2001 (#3785)

Well Teresa, if it's a relapse you need help with then you've come to the right place and I'm the man you want to talk to (not that I'm bragging or something, I'm just saying I can help is all). I just got over a relapse into cutting after TWO YEARS of being cuttless. Two years! I mean, that's forever! But thanks to Jesus and the people He brought me to on this board (thanks again to EVERYONE) I was able to get through it and past it. I know it's really hard when you think that you've beat this whole thing and then it ambushes you from out of nowhere, but you can get through it as it can be done! You've done the first part by letting people that understand know how you're feeling. As for that support system you're looking for, well welcome to intensive care, because that's what it is here. Care. I hope that we here can help you find comfort. Keep posting with how you're doing and e-mail me or IM me( AOL IM is UndeadLine). I hope we can help you.

love and prayers, Colin

WOW
Posted by Ang on Fri Feb 23 05:04:01 2001 (#3776)

as of this coming saturday i've been cutting free for 4 weeks

Re: WOW
Posted by Alana on Fri Feb 23 05:09:34 2001 (#3777)

Congratulations ANG! I'm so very proud of you. Yesterday it was about 2 weeks since I had last cut. Unfortunately I lost the battle today. But I'm trying! Luv you lots, keep it up! Stay strong! Alana

Re: WOW...alana
Posted by Ang on Fri Feb 23 06:33:06 2001 (#3784)

hay girlie i went through that yo week thing many of times i found i anticipated the weeks to much if u just look at it day by day rather than week by week its so much eayer with cutting its never good to set goals for your self hugs and kisses ang

Re: WOW
Posted by Strider on Fri Feb 23 06:46:12 2001 (#3786)

Right on Ang! That's awesome! I'm very proud of you. Keep it up.

love and prayers, Colin

Oh god
Posted by Ang on Fri Feb 23 18:22:10 2001 (#3787)

i can't do this anymoe i can tast it it herts so much i didn't relize how long it was untill yestrday now i'm FREEKING out i'm all shaky its so hard not cutt it herts so much i juts wanna put it to my arm nd press down and feel everything relese GOD WHY! WHAT the fuck is my problem i have too I NEED TO...i can just feel it all that stress gone all the pain gone...but at the same time i lknow afer wards i'll feel so bad that i ruined 4 weeks of not cutting pls help me its not working anymore ang

Re: Oh god
Posted by Strider on Sat Feb 24 10:08:31 2001 (#3793)

Ang you can do this! I KNOW you can! You know yourself that it will only be worse in the long run if you do it now. We're here to help so I'm glad you told us what's going on. Please try and stay strong Ang.

love and prayers, Colin

I wanna go
Posted by Jess on Sat Feb 24 00:14:39 2001 (#3788)

Hey ppl.I'm real down and am thinkin of suicide.The sad thing is.The only 1 i think it will really bother is my dog.I love her and don't want to leave her but i can't go on living the way i am.I hate myself,my life,and stupid thing's i'm doin to get out of what i don't want to do (if ya get my drift) pls help e-mail me

Jess

x

Re: I wanna go
Posted by Strider on Sat Feb 24 10:15:48 2001 (#3794)

You are right, going on living in self hatred is not the way to do things. Which is why I'm here to let you know that your dog wouldn't be the only one that would be sad if you left, I would too! And yes, I do get your drift on the stupid things. Oh Jess, please don't give up now!

love and prayers, Colin

Im back
Posted by Suzie on Sat Feb 24 03:03:02 2001 (#3789)

hello, im back, i havent yet read your posts and ill read and reply to them in just a bit. but just wanted to let you know that i brought my razor with me to cut, and i wanted to so bad, but i didnt, woo ha! thought some bad stuff happened, it wasnt really bad, but anyways, hi!

Re: Im back
Posted by Strider on Sat Feb 24 10:17:41 2001 (#3795)

Right on about not cutting! Good to have you back.

love and prayers, Colin

bleeding once again
Posted by Tara on Sat Feb 24 03:30:43 2001 (#3790)

I am glad that I have all of you guys here for me or I don't know what I would do.Last night I started to think about my past and I cut myself again.I don't know why I can't just stop and have a normal life.That is all that I have ever wanted for myself.I am glad NOW that I am not dead,but I feel like a complete freak when I go out in public.I remember all the stares that I got from people that seen my arms.I just can't let go of that feeling that it gave me.Thats why I am no longer in school.I go to GED classes on Monday and Thursday from 4 to 5 in the day.Even there I feel like every ones eyes are staring at my back laughing and pointing at me like I am a freak.Gonna GO for now,post new message later.

Your Friend,

Tara Butterbaugh

Re: bleeding once again
Posted by what's-her-name on Sat Feb 24 08:10:14 2001 (#3792)

Much like people who have eating disorders... one of the biggest reasons that you don't stop SI'ing is this... "you are only popular when you are hurting yourself".... chaos makes your world go round.... and before you flame me for making such a statement... take a look at your life... and really think of how true that is....

Re: bleeding once again
Posted by Strider on Sat Feb 24 10:28:46 2001 (#3796)

Thanks for sharing what you're feeling Tara. I really can sympathise with thinking about the past and cutting. For some reason when remembering my life I could only remember all of the things that I had done that make me look like a fool and made me hate myself. Funny how those memories seem like they happened just yesterday, eh? Getting to the point where you can go out and let people see your scars and cuts is a hard place to reach, so don't force it. The sad fact is that there's always going to be people that stare and make horrible comments. Just remember that it's THIER problem! If they're freaked out by your arms it's becuase of something inside them that won't let them accept that thongs like this happen. It's sad really. The bad part is that people like us are the ones who have to pay for it. And hey, your're not the only one that's glad you're alive!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: bleeding once again
Posted by Suzie on Mon Feb 26 01:20:53 2001 (#3829)

oh girl, i know that feeling like the back of my hand. at my church camp i went to i thought everyone was like, oh my gosh, she is such a freak. i thought that everyone was just staring at me and thinking about me, but you know what, people dont do that. i know how it feels. but they have better things to do than spend the whole class staring at someone going, "phmygosh" so when you think all eyes are on you, and everyone is thinkging about you, they're not, so dont worry

bleh bleh bleh...
Posted by Weazle on Sat Feb 24 16:11:52 2001 (#3797)

you know what that is ALL i hear when people are talking to me nowadays... they never have anything remotely enlightening to say, nothing helpful. i feel so useless, today for some reason i feel espeically bad and i dunno why at all. my friends grandfather died yesterday morning :¬( yesterday i felt happy... had somebody to care about, i had a reason to forget me and focus on helping him but hes not here now and ive nothing to do or say or even be other than the same old miserable weazle everyone knows. i might be getting a counsillour during school hours so my mom dont know, i sure as hell hope shes nice. im gonna join her youth club too cuz boredom breeds hate and anger and miserability, i need to get out more. i need to help myself but i dont know how to go about it. im gonna really push myself, i gotta lose some weight, get some more self confidense. i need... i dun know. i just need something that i quite blatantly dont have. i really havent the faintest what is missing from my life, but i want it so badly. it sounds so...pathetic... but i want a b/f or g/f, u know, i just wanna feel loved. not even a b/f or g/f, just somebody to hold me and make me forget who i am again. im talking such rubbish. but its true. i really just want to lie in somebodies arms because after being lucky enough to have that experience once, i know how good it feels....even if they dont love you... as long as they arent using you...its good enough. I'm so lonely...i feel so guilty because i have a l/d relationship with this guy, and although i love him ive been yearning for somebody else totally different. but i guess thats because i dont really know how my b/f feels...one minute hes obsessed with me and all over me (metaphorically speking) like a rash, next minute he seems to not care if i was to completely cease to exist. and this other guy...i dont love him, he dont love me...i just like him, not even in THAT way i just like him...(plus i fancy him but thats not the point) he makes me forget myself, he makes me happy and not many ppl acheive that with me. okay, im gonna stop babbling now, and stop fillin up the board with my shit. seeya laterz u lot.

Weazle

xxxxx love and peace and a little hairgrease

Re: bleh bleh bleh...
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 25 21:14:20 2001 (#3811)

Feeling lonely is one of the worst feelings there is. When all you want is someone that cares and loves you but you can't find anybody. I'm feeling that right now too, so I can sympathise. You are SO right about beong bored and it leading to being sad. That's a great thing that you're joining a youth club for something to do. It sounds like you realy want to do what you can to beat this, and I can't be there with you in person, you're in my thoughts and prayers. Try and stay strong.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: bleh bleh bleh...
Posted by Suzie on Mon Feb 26 01:26:28 2001 (#3831)

what shit, i dont see shit, im pretty sure that i can speak for strider, and he donsent see any shit, theres no shit here, so dont know what you're talking about with that. dosent it feel good after you just write everything that you are feeling and thinking. its great huh, peace of mind? well good luck with it all

<3 later <3

Suzie

2 weeks free...and then
Posted by Alana on Sat Feb 24 17:56:20 2001 (#3798)

I went for a whole two weeks without cutting. Don't get me wrong I thought about it allllllllllll the time. Pretty much everynight. But I was so exhausted! But it happened again. I wasn't trying to stop, but I wasn't trying to start again either. Yah know what, I'm not making any sense. All I know is my parents are mad at me cuz they saw my arms. They hate this about me. I think they want it to just disappear.

Re: 2 weeks free...and then
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 25 22:41:20 2001 (#3817)

I'm so sorry Alana. I know what you mean by not meaning to start but not trying to stop eithe. It just sort of happened. Sorry about your parents, they just want their daughter to be happy and normal. Try and be strong.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: 2 weeks free...and then
Posted by Suzie on Mon Feb 26 01:28:18 2001 (#3832)

i know how it is, and i understand what you are saying. you dont know how many times that has happened to me too....

<3 later <3

Suzie

fuck me
Posted by Ang on Sat Feb 24 19:03:44 2001 (#3799)

so today was the 4th week of beeing cutt free and GUESS WHAT...I CUT oh yean u herd it ruined all that i worked for...i'm gonna give my knife razor to myu bf and hope i can resit teh urge to buy a new one GOD I SUCK

Re: fuck me
Posted by Alana on Sat Feb 24 19:32:34 2001 (#3800)

You don't suck! You are strong!

Re: fuck me
Posted by lost and lonly on Sun Feb 25 20:21:17 2001 (#3809)

just because you cut that doesnt mean everything is ruined, it just means that you had a small set back. i went for three weeks with out a single cut, then it was all over but i realised that it wasnt all over and that it had only just begun. that relaps has made me more determined not to let it happen again. i hope i have helped. Amanda

Re: fuck me
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 25 22:51:45 2001 (#3818)

That's OK Ang. Well, it's not OK in the sense that I'm glad you cut again, but that you shouldn't feel like you let anyone down. You tried, and we're all proud of you for that! Good idea giving your boyfriend your blades. That's a definite step in the right direction!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: fuck me
Posted by Suzie on Mon Feb 26 01:31:22 2001 (#3833)

dont say suck, say suckers, since you dont suck, and suckers is a really stupid thing, and it dosent sound like something bad, it sounds like candy, and thats good! ive stoped and started, thrown stuff away and got more, i know everything you are feeling girl, everything

<3 later <3

Suzie

broken hearts
Posted by none on Sat Feb 24 20:27:38 2001 (#3801)

Broken hearts bleeding once again for the pain they feel. Made to believe that you are hard around the edges. Broken and torn you put yourself together again. Crying and holding yourself when the knights in shining armor have been defeated by your curse. Once again you exit your body in hope of finding some rest away from yourself. Life you've held in your hands. Watched it disappear into your own making of reality. Laugh and cry it's all inside. You'll just sit back and let your life choose it's own course. Either way you know you won't make it. Hiding away you lay down and try to make the tears come. Just want some kind of release. Some kind of freedom. Thought you were helping yourself but there is no help for those who can't stand. I'm lost and cold forever destined to wander around my mind blank and frayed. I'll just pretend I'm hard around the edges.

Re: broken hearts
Posted by Strider on Sun Feb 25 22:59:47 2001 (#3819)

I really have run out of things to say on your poetry. Keep posting it though! I'm sure that the others like it as much as I do!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: broken hearts
Posted by Suzie on Mon Feb 26 01:34:41 2001 (#3835)

thats me. that right there is me. thank you

<3 later <3

Suzie

........
Posted by what's-her-name on Sun Feb 25 10:02:26 2001 (#3804)

You see my stare? It's cold and expressionless. And it doesn't give a damn about you. You want it to all be my fault? Fine. At least I've found a way do deal with my blame. I don't mask it with pills like you do. These scars all have a memory. That's all you will become. One big scar across my neck. And the blood that drains will fall upon your head. Not that I'm pointing my finger at you. I'm not going to live in the shadow of a girl that had the depth of a mud puddle. And you aren't going to live in the aftermath of a boy that couldn't love anyone but himself. So you stay in your corner, and I'll live in this box. Leave the gloves on. There's no need for anger at this moment. Take it for what it was and run with the entrails that are stuffed with regret. When you reach the end of the rope, burn it. As my end is already engulfed in flames.

a poem about a boy.....

~me

Re: ........
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 26 01:11:35 2001 (#3826)

I'm a guy, so with me it's the girls that get to me, but it's the same sort of deal. I remember times sitting in my room alone when I would think of the girl that I loved but did not love me back and I would cry blood from my arms. It hurts, but I did get over it. I hope you can too. From the sound of it, it seems like you've got a good start.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: ........
Posted by Suzie on Mon Feb 26 01:38:35 2001 (#3837)

i take it this isnt a nice boy. darn him, he suckers.

if that pome was about me, id be scared shit less

GREAT JOB! lol

<3 later <3

Suzie

I hate it
Posted by Davina Vanhee on Sun Feb 25 19:31:59 2001 (#3805)

I fucking hate my life. Why does nobody understand what i'm going trough? They all say that it is just a phase or that i'm seeking attention. I really would like to see myself as a normal person, but i now that I'm not. The only thing that makes my feel better is to cut myself over and over again. It helps to forget my problems and my life for a while. Davina

Re: I hate it
Posted by lost and lonly on Sun Feb 25 20:32:47 2001 (#3810)

trust me you are perfectly normal. the only thing that is different about you is you have a different way of coping with emotions. that does not mean you arent normal nor does it mean that you are attention seeking. i dont think a single person on this board is an attention seeker, i think we are all just finding life tough and we all need some one to talk to and to share stories with. remember we are all here for you, no matter what you think we care.

Amanda

Re: I hate it
Posted by Tara on Mon Feb 26 00:54:56 2001 (#3825)

it is not a phase that you are going though.we all understand what you are going though.trust me.we all want to help you in any way that we can.i am glad that you posted your message.i went though it all with my parents.they would try to understand what was going on,but they didn't know a damn thing about what was going on with me.it was like i was having my own war inside of my head and no matter how hard i tried,i could not do anything to stop it.i have been to 5 counsilers so far and none of them knew what to do except to ask me why i liked to cut.my reply would be that it took my mind off of my emotional pain and foucesed on physical pain instead.also that when i see the blood seeping out of my skin that it felt as if my pain was leaving all together.so you are not alone and we all know how you feel and what you are going though.if you just want to talk sometime e-mail me

Your Friend,

Tara Butterbaugh

Re: I hate it
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 26 01:33:01 2001 (#3834)

Davina, welcome to THE understanding zone! You will NEVER get someone telling you that "oh, you'll grow out of it", or "you're just doing it to get attention", because we all know that it's not about that. The only way to really understand is to have done it yourself, so you're among friends here. I hope we can help you. e-mail me and my IM name on AOL IM is UndaedLine, so tell me how you're doing, OK?

love and prayers, Colin

Re: I hate it
Posted by Suzie on Mon Feb 26 01:42:51 2001 (#3839)

they say that you are seeking attention because they dont know. they are ignorant, and they dont understand. you know how a child is small and stupid and (s)he dosent know so you just have to be nice and patient with them. thats what you have to do. treat them like a little tiny baby, since thats they way they are acting anyways

Help
Posted by Jess on Sun Feb 25 20:03:02 2001 (#3806)

I wanna die.Oh god ,i'm gonna cut. I can't handle these feelings why dont they go away I dont want them i dont know what to do

Re: Help
Posted by lost and lonly on Sun Feb 25 20:16:38 2001 (#3808)

hey, calm down. i know how you feel, i know that feeling all too well and i hate it. i think we all do. the worst thing about cutting I think is anticipation, knowing that you will cut but not knowing when. i hate that about cutting, but remember if you die, people will miss you, i know i will, even though i dont know you very well or even at all, i care for everyone on this board as if they were my family. find a reson to live, look out the window and see the trees and the grass, look at what you will leave behind, find hope at the end of a very black tunnel. trust me it's there if you look hard enough.

good luck Amanda

Re: Help
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 26 01:40:11 2001 (#3838)

Oh Jess, plese try and hold on. I know the urge is so strong, but try anything to not do it, please.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Help
Posted by Suzie on Mon Feb 26 01:45:05 2001 (#3840)

go buy a christmas cd they are really cheep now, and turn it up as loud as you can, and start busting out those christmas songs like its no bodys business, it helps, really it dose

sorry it's been so long
Posted by lost and lonly on Sun Feb 25 20:11:35 2001 (#3807)

hi everyone, im sorry i havent posted for ages i have been staying with family for a while and i couldnt get to a computer. i havent cut but i want to. while i was away i saw my best mate a lot and she broke up with her b/f and we were all at my sisters house as she was trying to stay friends with him. after she had gone he tried it on with me, and like a fool i kissed him. but after i felt so horrible, he started going on about getting back with my mate wich made me feel used. i felt like such a SLUT!!! i told my friend and she said she wasnt angry but i know she was hurt. im such a bitch all i do is hurt those close to me. i have no reason to live so why do i waste everyones time??? i might as well die and let everyone get on with their lives.

cheers for listening. Amanda

Re: sorry it's been so long
Posted by Jess on Sun Feb 25 22:03:42 2001 (#3813)

I've done that.I've felt the same.Don't do anything stupid cos you'll only regret it.Every1 makes mistakes.Some men can be bastards,don't let him get to you.Get on with your life and smile. I don't know how this sounds cos i'm in a down mood.I posted cos i felt i needed to. Hope it helped

Jess

Re: sorry it's been so long
Posted by Tara on Mon Feb 26 00:34:38 2001 (#3824)

lisen,i know that you feel stupid and all,but you are not.it was a mistake.you can not go you whole life with out making a mistake here and there.i have made worse mistakes than that.i told my own father to fucking drop dead and go to fucking hell.he made me so mad that day.finally i told him that i was sorry and that i really meant it and he forgave me.the point is that if you really mean that you are sorry for what happened and you make sure thatyour friend knows it to than she/he will more than likly forgive you.if you need to talk than e-mail me.i am here for you.

Your Friend,

Tara Butterbaugh

Re: sorry it's been so long
Posted by blackrose on Mon Feb 26 01:37:45 2001 (#3836)

I've been in the same situation...I hate it when I hurt the ppl closest to me...it just makes me feel bad and wanna cut... u can get through this...it gets betta! Christine im me if u need ne thing

Re: sorry it's been so long
Posted by Suzie on Mon Feb 26 01:48:33 2001 (#3841)

one, im from america, so i dont know what a mate is, is that like a friend or something, (sorry, im not up on european lingo)

ok now to the imporant stuff. i dont know if you are religious, but God put us here for a reason, and he has this big "master plan" and yeah, alot of times his plan sucks the big one, but hey, he's been at this for how long? i think he knows what hes doing. and in this plan it dosent say that you should die. right, you have to survive! you have to stick in there with all the shit until it gets to the good. it will all turn out right someday, it will

Re: sorry it's been so long
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 26 05:49:22 2001 (#3845)

I wonederd what had become of you Lost and Lonely. Very good about not cutting! That's prime! Don't feel like a slut for what you did, given the same situation I probably would have done the same (that is, if it was a GIRL hitting on me). Doesn't make it any better though does it? Sorry. I know what it's like when it comes to hurting people close to me, as I'm guilty of doing a number on an innocent one just recently, but it's no reason to die. And the same goes for you! Your friend, if she's truly your friend, will forgive you and understand why it happened. It sounds like she will. Never feel like you're wasting anyone's time! Helping someone we care about is never a waste! Good to hear from you.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: sorry it's been so long
Posted by lost and lonly on Mon Feb 26 19:06:56 2001 (#3853)

thanx to everyone who replyed to my post each one of the messages ment a lot to me. you all give such great advice and i hope i have been able or will be able to help you all at some point. last night i felt so bad about myself but after reading your posts i feel so much better. thank you all. Amanda

New Website
Posted by Razorwire Halo on Sun Feb 25 21:37:46 2001 (#3812)

i posted here a while ago reserching for my new website and promised to post the link here once it was done. Thanks to all those that helped, (my name is Amanda by the way i am unsure of what alias i posted under) the site has now been up for just over 3 months and has recieved in excess of 450 hits. i would greatly appreciate any constructive crisism, and if you feel so inclined priase is always nice!

www.envy.nu/slatted

thanks again

Amanda

Re: New Website
Posted by what's-her-name on Sun Feb 25 22:26:50 2001 (#3815)

I'm sorry... but the front page of that site... with the woman tied down... that's beyond disturbing and brings up some REALLY painful memories... and I'm sure that a lot of people on here would agree... Some of you know who I am... and the others.. heh.. if you can't guess who I am, then you didn't really know me to begin with... but that... man.. THAT was disturbing... i dont think i like that too much

~Laura

Re: New Website...Laura
Posted by Alana on Sun Feb 25 22:30:11 2001 (#3816)

I know who you are Laura. I've read all your poetry. The personal one you wrote, well I still think about it all the time, and I pray for you. I'm sorry you had something taken away from you. Alot of us take that for granted. I'm so sorry.

Love, Alana

Re: New Website
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 26 05:53:56 2001 (#3846)

That was a bit before my time, but I'll be sure to check it out, Amanda!

love and prayers, Colin

Please help me
Posted by Alana on Sun Feb 25 22:21:44 2001 (#3814)

Please someone talk to me. I'm having such a hard time. I'm so lonely. I don't have anybody. Everyone always leaves me. The only thing that ever stays with me and that will always be there for me is my cutting. I cut really bad today. I have been cutting in the same place for so long, that I had to start cutting somewhere else, for fresh pain and cuts. I like that feeling. My forearms are just all scarred, I can't feel anything when I do it anymore. I love to do it there, but theres no more room. I hate it. I started in a new place today. Really bad. It hurts alot. I think it hurts because I wasn't feeling numb at the time. Its like I didn't have to do it today, I just thought that it would bring my spirits up a little, but it hurt so much. It's hurting so much. Please someone help me. I'm all alone

Alana

Re: Please help me
Posted by beautiful and dying on Sun Feb 25 23:37:00 2001 (#3821)

if you need me i'm always here...i don't disappear...forget any fear...i'm a crap poet but nevermind...email me, i'll try my best with you if you need someone to be there honey....huggles...awww.... mwah xxxxxx

Re: Please help me
Posted by Ang on Sun Feb 25 23:39:29 2001 (#3822)

BABY come on u know cuting won't make you happier and the good news is at least u know it herts i can't feel my cuts anymore...i'm always here for you ui nweed to to talk i'm here OKAY! i love you girl hugs and kisses ang

Re: Please help me
Posted by Tara on Mon Feb 26 00:24:58 2001 (#3823)

i know how you feel. i feel that way a lot of times.i promise that i won't leave you.i want you to e-mail me so we can become friends.believe me i know what you are going though.please e-mail me as soon as you can.

Re: Please help me
Posted by blackrose on Mon Feb 26 01:16:16 2001 (#3828)

I know what ur going thru...everyone here does...if u need me I'm always here just write me or im me. Christine

Re: Please help me
Posted by Suzie on Mon Feb 26 01:51:26 2001 (#3842)

i am ALWAYS HERE if you need me. wanna come and talk about anythign at all, im here. just wanna know that people are caring for you, im here always, we are always here. dont ever think that no one wants you, we do. and i will NEVER leave you. N E V E R! email me at renthead020@aol.com or insant message me at phishvisor

<3 later <3

Suzie

Re: Please help me..thanks
Posted by Alana on Mon Feb 26 02:22:17 2001 (#3843)

Thanks everyone! I didn't think anyone would really care! I feel alot better

Re: Please help me..thanks
Posted by blackrose on Tue Feb 27 02:14:27 2001 (#3862)

I happy u feel betta...rememba...there's always someone that cares! Christine

Re: Please help me
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 26 06:02:27 2001 (#3847)

I'm glad you feel better, but I'm still going to show that I care about you.

love and prayers, Colin

just cuz
Posted by Weazle on Sun Feb 25 23:25:21 2001 (#3820)

i just thought id leave this poem i wrote because maybe some ppl will relate to it...its not very good, but hey who cares :¬_ hope y'all can get better and start smiling, ive got me fingers crossed for ya.

I thought wrong

I thought that I was over you I thought you’d gone away I thought that I was better now Are you really here to stay?

I thought I was a different person Thought I might feel happy Thought something might change A deep pain within me

I thought that I was rid of you Thought you were back where you belong I thought that I’d discovered myself It seems that I thought wrong

But it seems no matter where I run You are always there Climbing up the walls to hide from you But getting nowhere

A razor blade Broken Glass It feels so good But will it last?

I try and try and try again I never seem to reach the end It hurts so bad can I keep on pushing? I sometimes feel you’re my only friend

I thought that I was rid of you Thought you were back where you belong I thought that I’d discovered myself It seems that I thought wrong

Re: just cuz
Posted by Strider on Mon Feb 26 06:21:18 2001 (#3848)

Nice. VERY nice. If you've got any more of this stuff, keep it coming!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: just cuz
Posted by Suzie on Mon Feb 26 21:46:03 2001 (#3855)

that poem has been my life 4 times so far, i completly relate to that , thank you so much

<3 later <3

Suzie

Re: just cuz
Posted by Weazle on Tue Feb 27 22:23:46 2001 (#3893)

aww thanks u guys...i mean...i think its shite, hehehe...but its nice to know ive touched someone. :)

Keep your head upz you guys... dont let ppl tell you your not worth anything just cuz we deal with things differently...tell them where to shove it....and hold yourhead high and dont be ashamed and smile as much as u can!

well..i'm FUCKED
Posted by Ang on Mon Feb 26 01:14:20 2001 (#3827)

okay so i have mayjor deprsiver disorder right so i'm taking zoloft a ssri and it hold seritonin in ur brain well...when u cutt ur brain has HUGE amountys of it in there and friday i inreased my zoloft mg and GUESS WHAT i cutt early sat morning GREAT HUH! now what this suck cock ERRR sorry about my negitivity

Re: well..i'm FUCKED
Posted by blackrose on Mon Feb 26 01:24:04 2001 (#3830)

It seems everyone here takes some sort of drug...it sucks to! most of them dont even work. so what's the use? I don't mean to be soo negative either but they dont work...they give u mood swings and your only happy and shit for a lil' while...not long at all...it also plays w/ur head. What's he point...will that little time that it calms u down really make that much of a difference...most of us just go right back to cutting ne ways! I hope we can stop on our own and that we dont need drugs to stop. Christine

Re: well..i'm FUCKED
Posted by Alana on Mon Feb 26 02:27:15 2001 (#3844)

Don't be sorry for negativity here. Thats why we all come here, to vent about things that bug us. I too am on zoloft (well was, i haven't been taking it for about a week now) I don't know I stopped. I just feel like I should be doing this all on my own. I don't want to think that I would only be getting better because of it. Everything will be ok! I know that sounds stupid, cuz people say it to me all the time, and I know its not going to be ok. I know for sure its not. All I can say is hang in there for as long as you can. I'm here for you Ang! Love, Alana

Re: well..i'm FUCKED
Posted by Suzie on Mon Feb 26 21:52:36 2001 (#3856)

i dont take any drugs so im speaking on opion, but talk to your doctor, if these drugs suck so much, taqlk to him