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Threads 1401 to 1450

anyone, everyone
Posted by anona1 on Wed Mar 28 03:04:15 2001 (#5213)

anyone have cheery things happening in their life to let me know...could do with hearing good things right about now...one good thing in my life now is that my teacher really likes my paintings this semester, but that's not always enough to hold on to

Re: anyone, everyone
Posted by simon on Wed Mar 28 03:20:33 2001 (#5215)

ok,while i'm on here i'll type some.but i'm still in a foul mood! erm...,something good that happened today...,there really isn't anything. i had the police around,again, asking me to turn my music down. is that good? finished reading a book as well, not much of an achievement tho', mind you, it was a well meaty book, and quite a task to read! (it's a sad life...)

I'm still breathing
Posted by JULIA on Wed Mar 28 06:21:57 2001 (#5221)

Hey everyone, it's me Cecile. I am out of the hospital now. It's been like two weeks, I'm so glad to be out in the real world again. I was put into the Psychiatric Assessment Unit here where I live. It was terrible, a real true nightmare that I really had to live. The hospital didn't help me though because I still feel suicidal and stuff like that. I've been doing a lot of writing, I'll share some soon.

INSIGHT
Posted by JULIA on Wed Mar 28 06:41:16 2001 (#5222)

I figure that it might be nice if I could just stop writing about how much I want to die and hurt myself and instead write some beautiful things. I think that all of you here need some insight, something to keep you going. Maybe you could go for a walk through your favorite park. You could try out a dance class. You could tell your best friend how much she means to you. You could give your mom a hug or start writing. Maybe you could help someone who is feeling worse than you. Buy something that you really like. When I was in the hospital I realized that maybe life isn't as horrible as I thought. It's still super hard for me. I just want all of you to be safe and try to stay strong. Anyway, talk later...

HUGS, Julia

Re: INSIGHT
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 19:55:10 2001 (#5236)

Julia,

Thank God you're okay! I was so worried about you. Thank you so much for posting, I feel a lot better knowing that you're okay. And it seems you gained some very helpful perspective in that hospital. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but if it helps you than it was worth it. Please be well. God speed.

Doris

hey, I quit and whats next?
Posted by sarah on Wed Mar 28 07:30:00 2001 (#5223)

Hey people! It's been three weeks since I cut and I really really want to! What do I do to supress the feeling? I have a therapy session on Thursday but i cant wait that long!!!!

Re: hey, I quit and whats next?
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 19:57:10 2001 (#5237)

The only advice I can give you is to keep busy! Don't let yourself think about cutting, just keep on doing things! What I did to supress it was that I wrote. I wrote poetry, I wrote in a journal, I just poured out my emotions. Please don't cut, Sarah. You've gone three weeks and if you throw that all away now you'll hate yourself afterwards. Please be strong. God speed.

Doris

Re: hey, I quit and whats next?
Posted by a.z. on Tue Apr 3 21:10:11 2001 (#5412)

i've found jumping up and down until exhausted to work...just something physical to transfer the energy outward, ya know? even a quick walk around the block...good luck!

trust
Posted by anona1 on Wed Mar 28 08:45:18 2001 (#5225)

it took me a long time to try to trust someone again...I feel very betrayed right now and sorry that I'm not in a more pleasant mind to answer all of your messages...guess I won't say anymore so it doesn't sound too bad...sorry I can't help

cheese
Posted by LOST on Wed Mar 28 09:32:04 2001 (#5226)

i have cheese and bleach under my nails (i work at a pizza place...)... hehe thats all i have to say :) good night everyone :)

OH YEAH!!!!
Posted by LOST on Wed Mar 28 09:36:35 2001 (#5227)

and dude, there is totally a fatty blister on my pinky toe :) and a pizza sauce stain on my boob. yay for me :) don't ask me why i posted these things either i just felt the need to share these WONDERFUL *gag* things with you.

Re: OH YEAH!!!!
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 20:49:25 2001 (#5247)

:-D You're awesome :-D

Please read this!
Posted by Maggie on Wed Mar 28 12:21:32 2001 (#5229)

Hi, some of you might remember me. I decided around a month ago to stop visiting this place for a while and see if I could sort myself out. I just wanna let you know that I am doing quite well at the moment.

We all know that cutting is a coping mechanism, and helps us feel better, but then we feel shit again for having cut, and so we cut again. I just decided that I was gonna break this vicious cycle, even if it meant it killed me. I used to feel that if I didn't SI, then I would kill myself instead. And I was too damn sick of being judged by all my friends, being made to take pills by my doctor, and being dependant on my therapist and this board. But most of all sick of the cutting.

So I decided to remove all these aspects out of my life. I stopped seeing my friends, went off my meds, cancelled appt with my therapist and stopped visiting the board. And this made me crazy... I had never felt so down in my life. I was sooo lonely and depressed, but I was determined not to cut. Even if depression overwhelmed me to the point of suicide, I was not gonna get relief from the blade, coz it would just trap me again.

And believe it or not, I found my own feet. Staring death in the face coz it seemed so much easier than life - I told death to f@#k off and just accepted that there's parts of my life I'll never be happy with. I am not perfect and I can't expect others to be either. My past messed me up, but it wasn't my fault so I shouldn't hurt myself more because of it - I have suffered enough.

I find that cutting makes puts me in my own world - almost dissociated. When I stopped cutting I started to see things clearer - put things in perspective. I saw that if I wanted to feel better I had to make an effort to do so. I made myself some goals and rewards if I succeeded. I did extra nice things to people, and by the law of karma, I got back what I gave.

So I am SI free (at least for the moment). If I can do it, you can too. I don't encourage you taking the same approach as me - going off meds, stop seeing therapist, but taking a risk by not cutting isn't as scary as you may think. Temptation is tough, but I know you guys are all strong enought to resist it. I just want to share my success story with you... Remember that no matter how bad things can get, where there is life there is hope.

Re: Please read this!
Posted by Kate on Wed Mar 28 16:34:09 2001 (#5232)

Thanks. I'm so happy for you. I am also SI free for the moment.

Re: Please read this!
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 20:01:18 2001 (#5238)

Wow, Maggie. Good for you. I am truly happy for you. And please keep it up! Your story is an inspiration to us all, so thank you for sharing. God speed.

Doris

Re: Please read this!
Posted by Nicke on Thu Mar 29 19:07:43 2001 (#5272)

I have taken a similar approach in that I have thrown away things that I am likley to use to hurt myself.

I am also SI free, for about 3 weeks.

I am so glad that someone else is doing so well and cas share their success stories to inspire the rest of us.

WELL DONE. Nicke. XXXX

Fine. you wanted mw 2 open up??
Posted by Falling Hawk on Wed Mar 28 14:25:50 2001 (#5231)

Fine the reason i cut and do all this stuff is ciz of my family. My dad killed himself not all that long ago. then my mom re married this drunk ass who beats on her or anyone for that matter if they get in his way. then theres other stuff goin on in my life thats just WAY to painfull to talk about. 1. after my mom remarried i found out i was adopted. it is really hard on my and drives me crazy cuz i no there not my real family and i feel really strange around them. Okay was that open enough :'-(

Love for light((((((Shadow))))))

Re: Fine. you wanted mw 2 open up??
Posted by Nicke on Wed Mar 28 20:02:01 2001 (#5239)

Have you thought about trying to find your real parents?

Even if you don't want to see them, it will certainly answer a few question that are buzzing around your head driving you crazy.

As for the physical abuse, whilst you can't make your mother see that what you step-father is doing, there are people who can help you in your situation. The people vary depending on what your intended outcome is. You can speak to a councellor to help you deal with things. You can speak to a social worker if you want to move out or you just want things sorting out. You can speak to your doctor if you just want the shitty feelings to ease up a little. But then again you don't have to do anything.

I was physically abused for 16 years so I moved out. My sister did the same and she now has a much better relationship with my mum than most ppl have with their friends.

You don't have to take my advice but it is there if you want to use it. P.S. It is me who e-mailed you!!

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: Fine. you wanted mw 2 open up??
Posted by simon on Fri Mar 30 23:23:11 2001 (#5305)

which marvellous place do you live in? from the age of 9 months, i was physically/sexually abused, until i was 16. i ran away from home, ended up on the streets of london, (where the pavements really are lined with gold), developed a drug/alcohol problem, and lots more. there was NO help from doctors to reduce at least some of the shitty feelings, NO social workers to help me move to a safe house, and yeah, there's councellors, but they've made me worse than ever. any changes in my life have always been down to ME. maybe it's my age, i was a child of the 70s/80s, and the whole abuse thing may have only come to light in recent years, when i was at school, teachers were never told to look out for "at risk" pupils, if you saw a child with bruises, you kept quiet. i don't mean to have a go at you, but i do get really fucked off when i see other people getting the help i should have had. that sounds really selfish, i know, so don't have a go at me, my self esteems low enough already, but i guess what i'm saying is yeah, seek as much help as you can, i would hate so much for anyone else to go through the shit i've been thru.

Re: Fine. you wanted mw 2 open up??
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 20:04:11 2001 (#5240)

Falling Hawk,

I am so sorry. No one should have to go through what you've gone through. Haven't you suffered enough though? Why punish yourself for a series of events that are not your fault in any way? Of course, I don't know the whole story, I'm sorry to sound like I know what to do. Please be well. You are strong, I know it. God speed.

Doris

Re: Fine. you wanted mw 2 open up??
Posted by anona1 on Wed Mar 28 20:54:06 2001 (#5248)

glad you opened up some. thanks...I hope it helps. feel free to mail me or im me or whatever...take care

**
Posted by ** on Wed Mar 28 19:43:03 2001 (#5235)

I've been coming here for some weeks now but haven't posted that much. I think this is going to be the last time that I visit this board. I first thought that I'd finally found a place with people who are like me but now I realise that I was wrong. I think I must accept that I will never find people who are like me and maybe it is best that they're aren't any more people like me walking around in this world.

I've stopped cutting for almost 2 weeks(I have cut yesterday but that wasen't bad). I hope I will continue to be that strong, that's going to be hard because lately I feel so worthless, it seems as if I have no purpose in life and I know that all the people who say to me that they love me, that they will eventually leave me like everybody else..

Coming to this board ,when I felt depressed, really helped my but as I said before,I feel like I don't fit in(like always)

*hugz*

Re: **
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 20:08:12 2001 (#5242)

What makes you different? What's your story? Maybe someone here has a similar story who just hasn't opened up. Tell us a little about yourself. Please? :) Be well and God speed.

Doris

Re: **
Posted by Nicke on Wed Mar 28 20:12:31 2001 (#5243)

Everyone is an individual so there are no more ppl like you. You do fit in around here because everyone is willing to talk to you and listen to what you have to say.

I have stopped cutting for about 3 weeks now and it is really hard because I have stopped before but always end up cutting again. However I think this time that it could be it because I have had a lot of help and support from ppl on this board and others who care.

Also, you say that you have no purpose in life. Well I like to think that the meaning of life is to find the meaning of life. So don't worry you are not alone in feeling this way there are lots of other ppl who feel like this.

Stay strong and pls come back. Nicke. XXXX

Re: **
Posted by anona1 on Wed Mar 28 20:57:07 2001 (#5250)

I feel the same way about love and people which is why I don't really trust anyone, I rarely try...

I don't know what you're looking for as something in common with someone else...but with so many people here and their many different experiences, it's good to learn and gain from them if you can

a thought or two
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 20:44:03 2001 (#5245)

Hey guys

I've been gone for about a week now, but I've spent the past few hour or so reading every post that I have missed. I have just one thought about that Little Baby Nothing post...

You have a point, but isn't it a deal we make with everyone when we post here that we care about anyone and everyone? We are here for each other. A lot of people who post here have no one - no one to talk to, to cry with, to share their lives and emotions with. When people post here, they are free to post anything, because they (should) know that anyone who reads their post will look on it with friendly, unbiased, unjudging eyes. A lot of of have no one else, so I think the least we can do for each other is listen to each other. We don't have to do anything else. We don't HAVE to respond, we don't HAVE to try to help or maybe even 'save' someone... we just have to BE there for each other. To listen and to love unconditionally. I think that's the least we can do for ANYONE here - whether they are 'whining' or sharing a wonderful experience.

Posting here makes us a family. We are a group of people who will love and listen. (And I think Strider is obviously our father :) ). I hope that that bond is not broken. Because that is why I, and I'm sure many others, started posting - looking for their peers, looking for love, and hopefully a friendly ear. That's what we are - to everyone and anyone. And I hope that no matter WHAT we say (whether it be "f*ck you all" or "love you all"), that bond will never be broken. God speed to everyone. Love you all.

Doris

Re: a thought or two
Posted by Jess on Wed Mar 28 21:02:10 2001 (#5252)

well said babe

Re: a thought or two
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 21:18:03 2001 (#5254)

Thanks :)

You Lot
Posted by Jess on Wed Mar 28 20:57:00 2001 (#5249)

I can't believe whats happening to this board.What the fuck's going on? Can people just calm down and settle their differences please. I'm here to listen to every1 no matter what i think.Giving your opinion is fine it's just some people take it the wrong way. cum on ppl.Kiss and make up.This was silly when it started now its just down right pathetic.

Re: You Lot
Posted by anona1 on Wed Mar 28 21:01:22 2001 (#5251)

I don't think anyone's still fighting

100 days!!! :)
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 22:33:44 2001 (#5255)

Hi everyone!

I just wanted to share my good news with everyone. Today - March 29, 2001 - is my day #100 without cutting! Yey! I just wanted to share this with everyone to show you that it IS possible! Love and hope to everyone! :)

Doris

oops
Posted by Doris on Wed Mar 28 22:48:53 2001 (#5256)

hehe, I meant March 28, 2001 :)

i agree with ya Doris but...
Posted by little baby nothing on Wed Mar 28 23:03:38 2001 (#5257)

but what pee's me off is when ppl leave a message ending with "not that anybody cares" as the title, or anything like it...because if they know so well that we all love each other thats like...emotioonal guilt tripping... and like...its makes you inclined to leave a message. i dont like that.

Re: i agree with ya Doris but...
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 29 01:11:34 2001 (#5260)

I know what you mean, but sometimes it's hard for people to believe that ANYONE wants to hear what they have to say. I'm not defending people who say that, I think everyone here should KNOW without a doubt that we are all here for each other. But, just please try to understand that it is easier for some people to accept love than others. :) Be well, love to all. God speed.

Doris

...
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 29 01:19:11 2001 (#5263)

Just another thought on that, Little Baby, some people PREFER to think that no one cares about them, so that they feel no guilt or shame when they SI or when they think about suicide. Just a thought. God speed.

Doris

Re: ...
Posted by little baby nothing on Thu Mar 29 22:25:35 2001 (#5277)

if people r making themselves beleive nobody cares how can they complain about nobody caring. we want to beleive ppl do care. we go on about ppl not caring enhough...ur a bigger hypocrite (not u personally) than i thought to say u hate the fact nobody cares then make urself beleive it on purpose.

we ain't got no place to go....
Posted by LOST on Thu Mar 29 00:23:50 2001 (#5258)

"we ain't got no place to go... so lets go to the punk rawk show... darlin take me by the hand, we're gonna see a punk rawk band.... something something something (hehe i don't know that part)... wanna get into the crowd, wanna hear it played real loud..... ain't got no money to pay, doesn't matter i don't care... we're going to the punk rawk shoooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww www!"

damn i love that song (its by mxpx)... and DAMMIT u guys get ur asses dressed up cuz we're goin to the punk rawk show!! come on now.... i don't see you getting up.... HEY! get up! don't make me count to 3.... u guys need some fun in ur life... and i don't care if u don't like punk music, ur still gonna have fun cuz we're goin to the punk rawk show... who's goin with me??? yayyayayya

Re: we ain't got no place to go....
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 29 01:13:43 2001 (#5261)

LOL! I love that song too! And I LOVE punk music! :-D

terrified
Posted by Jue on Thu Mar 29 00:52:02 2001 (#5259)

i'm new here and have never talked to anyone else that self-injures, but i can't stop cutting, burning, etc. when i try to stop i do it in my head. here is what i mean: this is one of my daydreams: i am completely naked in this cage in a very dark basement. there is this man that is holding me hostage and eating me bit by bit. first he cuts off my finger and cuts it into tiny pieces. i imagine what this all feels like until all of my limbs are gone.i have many others. i am terrified because this is all i can think about.

Re: terrified
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 29 01:16:15 2001 (#5262)

PLEASE don't think I'm trying to be rude by saying this, but are you in counseling or therapy? Because I really think you should go to a professional about your day dreams. But, don't get me wrong, we're here for you too. :) God speed.

Doris

Re: terrified
Posted by Jue on Fri Mar 30 01:04:28 2001 (#5282)

i quit therapy. i was but i haven't made another appointment

Re: terrified
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 30 02:58:39 2001 (#5285)

Well.. if you're so scared, maybe this is an occasion to go back... not trying to be rude, just a suggestion. Be well. God speed.

Doris

Alone
Posted by bluehaze on Thu Mar 29 01:33:03 2001 (#5264)

ok so I said we should all try to find at l positive thing that happened today. Well as far as I'm concerned its after midnight- therefore new day. I'm sure something god will happen later but right now I can't see it. I feel so alone and scared. I spent the evening with a room full of friends and never felt so alone. Someone please reassure me it won't always feel like this. Take care guys

Re: Alone
Posted by kim on Thu Mar 29 06:07:19 2001 (#5269)

You're not alone in that feeling. I had that feeling all through high school and my first year of college. I had tons of friends but everytime I was with them I felt more alone than when I was actually by myself, so I just started spending more and more time alone. Finally,in august of 2000 I gave in and let loose the hurt and anger inside me. I found an awesome psychologist who understands me so well. I dont know if you are seeing anyone about your problems, but i suggest it. I dont know what psychiatrists are like, but I love my psychologist to death. I'm also on prozac which I have to admit really has helped me a lot. I dont feel so alone anymore. I actually like going out with my friends again and i thank God everyday for leading me to my psychologist. God Bless.

Relapse
Posted by Kim on Thu Mar 29 02:48:25 2001 (#5265)

Back when I was a freshmen in high school I was raped and later physically abused by the first guy I ever thought I could love. After he betrayed my trust I thought that I would never be able to trust anyone again. I started to use physical pain to hide my emotional pain by cutting, hitting, and burning myself. I would even purposely break bones. I quit by the end of my junior year of high school. Finally as a sophomore in college I began to trust again. I thought that maybe I could actually trust a boy with my heart. As I lay in his arms watching a movie I begin to shake and get nauseated. I close my eyes and my whole freshmen experience flashes before me over and over and over again. I was wrong. I threw up all night long. I threw up blood. That night I couldn't sleep so i started cutting. One of my friends called me at school to ask about spring break plans and she could tell something was wrong. She made me promise to stop cutting and to give my pocket knife to one of my floormates. I gave the knife to my friend, but I found other things to cut with...razors, earings, pen camps, and plastic knives. I ffinally stopped cutting and now all I do is shake b/c I just want to cut. Help me. Kim

Re: Relapse
Posted by bluehaze on Thu Mar 29 03:09:08 2001 (#5267)

I know all too well some of the things you've said,honey. Theres always something to improvise with. Ita all too easy. I too have suffered through repeated rape and abuse. But its not your fault. Its not my fault.and until we can accept that, we can't trust. I couldn't stand anyone to touch me for a long time and then in some wierd way I bagan to assoaciate sex with affection. I always felt worse,cheap and dirty after. I didn't even enjoy it but thought it was easier to go along with it than to struggle. You've helped me realise I'm not alone. Thank you for having the courage to post your message. Keep strong.

Cutting
Posted by release on Thu Mar 29 02:56:20 2001 (#5266)

I don't really have anyone who understands self injury. Two days ago I had to go the ER and get stiches in two of my cuts. Of course, Psych came down to analyze me. She wanted to put me in the hospital but I talked her out of it. My boyfriend and counselor are trying to convince me that being in the hospital is a good thing. I don't see why it is a big deal to cut on myself. I am not hurting anyone else. Recently I have felt the need to cut deeper and deeper. The ER said that if I end up in there again for stiches, I will be sent to the hospital. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Release

Death in Sudan. * * * *
Posted by Suzie on Thu Mar 29 05:41:04 2001 (#5268)

This is a letter written by a Reverend who went to Sudan. I am afraid that most of you are not aware of what is going on in Sudan. Please take the time to read this letter, and send it out to everyone you know. To help the people who are going through this massive suffering. Please read this.

From: Truro Family News March 11, 2001 By the Rev. Herb McMullan Truro Church (Episcopal) FairFax, Virgina

Audience with the Sudanese Bishops and their Wives

We Flew out of Europe, its duty free walls plastered with steel-hot poster ads, supermodels staring, gaunt from excess, vapid, vacuous, cool, detached, titled "Romance" and "obsession", and we descended into the reality of Africa, landing at Entebbe, symbol of the thwarted arrogance of violence, perpetrated in the name of God, against Jewish people, in Uganda of all places.

We were driven in a Church of Uganda truck to a Roman Catholic compound, where a dimly lit concrete hallway led to a door, which, when opened, providing us access to the entire assembly of the Anglican Bishops of Sudan, their wives and personal assistants, gathered in prayer. They were aware that we were coming and offered us chairs and words of fellowship.

The Sudanese invited us into circles of their bishops, the circle of their bishop's wives. All eyes within the circles were upon once another. Being who we are, we were rushed to assure them of out intent, confident that we were wanted, necessary, a gift to them. We came to listen to their story. This we told them. We came to hear. This we told them. We came to Listen, hear, serve, and act. This we told them. We came to hear their story and to assist them however we could. This we told them. And being who they are, they said "What you are saying is no new news to us. We have heard it all before, from others just like you. We have told our story. Over and over we've told our story. And you have heard our story. And you have heard our story. And you have gone away and carried out story with you. You hear that we are being killed like animals: actually, worse than you would ever kill an animal. And, than, you do nothing. Why should we tell you our story"? And the circle went silent.

Sudan in presently an open sewer of suffering, the worst stink-pit of cruelty and brutality on the face of the earth, a should-be complete and total embarrassment to the human community. Enough evidence has been collected and made available through credible sources in the global media to declare that the regime in Khartoum should merit the title "Pariah" and be treated accordingly. Yet, as in all conflagrations regarding good guys and bad buys. The temptation is here not to rush, not to conclude, as well. That is on our minds. And our hosts know it. Yet the bishops and their wives, who have lived their lives as the target of "Pariah" do not adjourn, just walk out on us. They, at least, fain to take us seriously, six white, well scrubbed, strangers. They face us, with faces gaunt with deprivation. With eyes that have seen too much, with fatigue, but not with vacuity and chick boredom, rather, with immense dignity. Their opening challenge to us really another plea, you can see them gather themselves within and try again, one more time, to address the hold-outs for complexity.

“You want to hear? Well, than listen. We will tell you what a half-century of warring is like. It is like mutilations, our ears, lips, hands, feet, gone. It is another generation without education. It is mass rapes, our daughters, and many men. It is slavery, the real thing. It is running barefooted for our lives and the lives of our remaining children, from out beds, in tiny villages, in early morning, before the utterly incessant tracking of the praying, hissing, whining bullets spitting at our heels from an Iraqi helicopter gunshot.

They even shoot our cows. It is out pregnant women in jails so hot that the babies in their wombs are essentially poached and are born, of course, dead. They've held us down and pierced out lips and through the bloody, augured perforations in out forced to the ground struggling faces, forced the locking arm of padlocks which have no key, which have then forced shut prevent the tortured ones from speaking or eating but merely, instead, to advertise, like a traveling sandwich board, humiliation, intimidation, subjection as a precursos to annihilation. Hospitals, churches, cathedrals, markets, farmers, who, against all odds, presume to cultivate a meager garden plot in defiance of land mines and orchestrated famine in the middle of nowhere strategic, all bombed by Russian made bombers called Anonovs. It is teaching your child, not to read or write, but to listen for the sound of Antonovs or the Libyan MIGS, and than, run child, run. Survival education. It is millions, two million, several Kosovos, not one but several, over and over again, multiplied, many, bunches of Kosovos, of people slaughtered and millions more displaced, Diaspora, scattered in all directions. Thousands and thousands of people who once moved about freely on their lush lands now driven together into flea infested, dusty, bedraggled human herds in camps in remote places and in neighboring countries, even the enemy's backyard, (there are 2 million southern refugees in camps near Khartoum) where even in the camps we are again, bombed by the Antonovs. It is coming to realize that the oil under our land, the land of out ancestors, is not the gift from god as we had thought, but a curse on our life and the lives of our people.

Oil has brought 50,000 Chinese and the Canadians, the international community to our doorstep, in collusion with our Killers, to get fuel for their cars and guns for Khartoum. To do that, they cleanse the oil fields of Africans. It is people who lived in green treed towns in rolling mountains and fields of sweet soil, now living covered with rashes and going blind in the swamps. For Christians, especially, particularly, it is forced conversations to Islam on threat of more torture and death. If we say we are Christian, we do not eat. We starve within sight of the UN planes, filled with the food you send us, denied to us by the government with the European Union's blessing. We each have out appetites, we guess. It is living with the fact that everyday you remain alive, every day that you wake up and wish to live, some one will be seeking that day to erase you as a person from the face of the earth. Are you still listening? Are we making it a complex issue for you to attach your heart to ours, or are you running for the shelter of reserving judgment on our credibility, and making our lives harder yet by wasting our time this day? Us justice really an American church hobby? Should we bother to continue?"

"Let us tell you than about the Joys. Let us tell you about the miracles.” A bishop, who had escaped death while his cathedral was being bombed, speaks into our camera. "My brother was an engineer. An agnostic, too. His head was filled with only science, I prayed for him to come to know the Lord, and one-day he did. There was too much rejoicing in my family. One day, government forces came to my brother’s home. They said he was a collaborator with the rebels, they tied his hands behind his back, than tied a rope around his neck and tied the other end to the vehicle. They dragged him for three miles. The skin was worn off the bones. They poured gas on my brother and set is body on fire.

My Brother is with Jesus, and the love of Jesus is in my heart. I don’t hate Arabs. I love them" at a continuing meeting, the Archbishop nods and another bishop, from a diocese in the north stands. "I was arrested and put in jail. They put me in one of the better cells, away from the other prisoners. I told them I wanted to be with the rest. They moved me. I could than minister to the many. An Arab man came to me saying that whenever he knelt to pray, he saw a cross in from of him on the floor. He asked me about the cross and became a Christian. He told others. The jailers found out about it and had him flogged. Twenty-five lashes. He was covered in blood, his back wide open. They chained him, shackles around each ankle. I went to him and asked how he was. He said he was prepared to suffer or die because he loves Jesus, the Jesus of the cross. I laid my hands on him and prayed for him. He was covered in blood. That night I continued to pray for him. That night the shackles around his ankles fell off and the skin on his back closed up and he was healed. In the morning, everyone knew of the miracle. The jailers were frightened, frightened of him, of the miracle, and afraid that he would convert the whole jail to Jesus Christ. So, they let him go. But news of the miracle spread throughout the jail, I was there. It was the lord. It was a miracle, and many more people came to know the Lord" his people, looks at we well scrubbed, well intended, presumptuously self entitled spectators of living salvation history, holds out his hands, and says, "All this we have endured. No one has come to help us. We are many Kosovos and no one has come to help. Only God is with is and God is not defeated!"

It is our brother and sister African Christians who rob us of out simpering complaints about God not meeting the needs of the suffering and who witness to us, instead, about the joy of the lord Jesus which is to be realized in the midst of pain, since the time of the Nubian eunuch’s conversion Acts of the Apostles (8:26), to the present, when the sassing of bullets spent to destroy them are fashioned by refugees into crosses, the Sudanese Church has interpreted the cross as a sign of victory, of God’s triumph. Swept up in this witness, this confluence of sheer horror and utter joy, we promise them, all of the people in the circle, all who now watch us, having ripped their shorts and torn their dresses and made themselves vulnerable before us, bearing their ever so wounded hears to us, we make a careless promise to them ~ "We will help you".

To the women in the circle who have told us of their children being taken into slavery, of young boys being conscripted to fight against their own people in the south, of men tied to trees with barbed wire and being set on fire, of their little girls gang raped and than their throats slashed, but also of their Mother's union work in the Jails and though out the camps full of refugees, of their witness to the Gospel and their hope for peace, out promise plays to mixed reviews. A bishop's wife, a younger woman who knows only war, turns away from us in her chair. As if she can see us that evening at our hotel, engorging on a sumptuous mean, reverting to our own concerns and consumed by our own debate over "human sexuality", she turns to the older woman next to her for solace. She cannot endure another promise and she is to gracious to tell us that she knows us too well, that we come from complexity and we come with our presumptions about out own rights to their hearts and the squandering of their stories, our provincial protease and the transparent shallowness of out pledged resolves. We break for lunch and catch our emotional breath, adjusting the monkey of out own promise that we've just strapped to our backs.

God in Christ is not defeated. But what of my lesser Gods?

I was wondering
Posted by anona1 on Thu Mar 29 09:35:57 2001 (#5271)

I was wondering if I've helped anybody here. Otherwise, I don't see a reason to stay...no one other than a couple I've spoken to out of the room has ever answered one of my messages of desperateness and depression...I'm not holding it against anyone...maybe no one relates or knows what to say, it's okay...but have I helped anyone here? I'm not asking for thanks...I just have to go if I haven't...I don't need pity or people asking me to stay or people saying I helped even though I didn't...I just want an honest answer...it's alright if I leave, don't worry about me (and don't reply that you worry)...sorry I'm asking, but I don't know

I'm sorry
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 29 20:03:44 2001 (#5273)

Anona,

I can't tell you if you've helped me - we haven't really spoken at all. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry I haven't responded to your messages. I find myself speechless when someone has an experience that I can't relate to. I just really hope you don't feel alone. Because everyone on this board is in it together. This is going to sound horribly lame, but "All for one and one for all." Each person and each post is as important as the next.

You told us not to ask you to stay, so I won't. I'm just going to say that even though we haven't really spoken at all, I would miss you. That's the truth. Be well and God speed.

Doris

Re: I'm sorry
Posted by Nicke on Fri Mar 30 20:15:51 2001 (#5301)

Listen, since I didn't have web access all last week, I haven't had a chance to read everyone's posts.

That is no excuse but what I want to say is that even if you just post it shows that you care enough to bother to write anything.

Also each person is as important as the next and while it might not feel like you are helping someone at the minute, there could be some one who joins 2morro and you could just be the person to help them. So don't leave for that reason, you never know what is arounf the corner.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: I was wondering
Posted by necrosis on Thu Mar 29 23:31:49 2001 (#5279)

often I guess it's more the fact you bothered to reply then what you actually say. I used to leave my e-mail address all the time at the other board & no-one really got back even if they asked for someone to contact.

Personally I think you give very good heartfelt advice with lashings of honesty some sparkles of wisdom. If saying the right words was all it takes, none of us would be here. It's all about action in head or externally. You can only do do much as we know.

Anyway, I'd hate to see you leave, & if you left I'd probably post a lot more & that is a silly idea.

love xx

Re: I was wondering
Posted by simon on Fri Mar 30 23:36:39 2001 (#5306)

you've helped me! i really can't say how, but you have. maybe it's cuz you mailed me, just made me feel like someone is hearing me screaming, and all the noise i'm kicking up is not in vane(or should that be vein, tee hee hee). i know i haven't emailed you lately, you're not alone, no-ones heard from me really, just had bad week. not feeling much better now, but i hope to get around to writing some soon.so stick around, please, i need someone to scream at! and as for you not getting responses when you need them on here, i think it's a time thing.i'm in the UK, and tend to come here anytime around 10pm to 4am, and thats probably when you're asleep, if you're in another country. it's not that no one wants to listen, we're probably sleeping/working whatever.well, maybe...what do i know!

Re: I was wondering
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 1 13:55:02 2001 (#5343)

thanks...I'll be around yet...was just having an awful week last week...it's a tentative okay now...

it doesn't matter when messages are answered, I'd still see the answer...it's just when I write how shitty I'm feeling and why, no one responds...it's okay, I'll just try not to leave those messages...I know it's not b/c people don't care, just that they don't know how to respond

Blood the wine of the world.....
Posted by Lost and lonly on Thu Mar 29 22:06:24 2001 (#5274)

blood is the fine wine of the world, just one taste and you will always want more.......untill one day your out of control and its become an obsession.....you want it, need it and you cant live without it......soon it has become your life. you are hypnotised by the warmth, the feel of it as it drips down you arm, the finest taste of all......there is no other feeling like it....the relief, the unbelievable relief, like a weight off your heart. suddenly you can breath, all of a sudden you dont want to die.....you know it may not last but it feels better.............FOR NOW!

does anyone else feel like this?????? this is how i live my life...in constant fear of slipping back into that evil circle, you know...you cut you feel better then the guilt then you cut and so on...i hate this life....when will it get better????? Love and Hpoe to you all Amanda

Re: Blood the wine of the world.....
Posted by Bbutterfly on Thu Mar 29 22:21:39 2001 (#5275)

that describes just how i feel too.

it does get better though, i've yet to discover that myself. But read the posts above by Maggie and about Doris not cutting for 100 days!, proof it does get better one day. I just hope it's soon for all of us.

keep fighting it. love to you all Butterfly.

Re: Blood the wine of the world.....
Posted by Butterfly on Thu Mar 29 22:23:39 2001 (#5276)

oops i can't even spell my name :)

Re: Blood the wine of the world.....
Posted by Doris on Thu Mar 29 23:35:46 2001 (#5280)

Amanda,

It does get better. You just have to be strong. You have to say to yourself "I don't NEED to cut." It sounds stupid, but it's an important realization. Then, you have to find other things to keep you occupied. I chose writing. I would pour my soul out on paper and it gave me a similar release that cutting did. It is an obsession, an addiction. There are ways to break an addiction, it just starts with strength. Be strong.

Doris

Re: Blood the wine of the world.....
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 30 05:04:50 2001 (#5288)

Hm, I believe that, yet again, someone has been stealing my thoughts. By that I mean YES! The taste, the feel the look, all of it! Oh Amanda, you are SO not alone on this one! I have a feeling that most SIers fell this way. So do not worry, you are among those that understand you!

love and prayers, Colin

The loss of 2 SIers
Posted by Falling Hawk on Thu Mar 29 22:49:53 2001 (#5278)

These 2 people at a nother board have died. Rick died about last wed not sure how but funeral was friday. Carley died sunday od and slit wrist and was found by her friend.

Re: The loss of 2 SIers
Posted by Linda on Fri Mar 30 00:10:21 2001 (#5281)

It's been a while since I checked in on this board and it is more hopeless than ever. My heart breaks for all of you. The sad thing is that I know there is hope. There is a reason for living. There is a purpose to this life. There is a God to reckon with and He does love each of you so much that He has paid for your pain with His very life. No wonder you all feel so hopeless, if we are to believe that we were just evolved into being and that there is no one but ourselves to answer to. Don't you see the trick that Satan is playing on you! HE is the one who orchestrates those horrible dreams and urges. HE is the one who wishes you all dead. HE is the one who tells you how worthless you are. DON"T BELIEVE HIM!! "I waited paitiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:1-3 Hopefully, Linda

Re: The loss of 2 SIers
Posted by Jue on Fri Mar 30 01:09:37 2001 (#5283)

i believe in God completely, but i can't say that i haven't come close to killing myself. just last night i was in the bathtub and i cut myself so bad there was blood everywhere it scared me so bad but it is okay now. but it would be so easy to die, through suicide.

Re: The loss of 2 SIers
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 30 02:34:20 2001 (#5284)

Amen

Re: The loss of 2 SIers
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 30 04:56:04 2001 (#5287)

A part of me dies as well with each person that throws away thier life. I pray that we all chose to live another day.

Love and prayers, Colin

ok listen up
Posted by LOST on Fri Mar 30 03:10:46 2001 (#5286)

i sit here and post the most retarded stuff in the world... about the blister on my toe and about a punk rawk show... and only ONE person responds? come on now u guys!!! i'm trying to change the mood here and not have it so sad... so dammit next time i talk about cheese and bleach under my nails i expect EVERYONE to be happy for me and reply :) (yet again, this was a pointless message :þ) thank ya much

Re: ok listen up
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 30 05:10:15 2001 (#5289)

Oh yeah, well here's yer freakin reply! So you can take this reply, and cram it with walnuts!!! How's that? (ha!)

love and prayers, Colin

Re: ok listen up
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 30 06:23:06 2001 (#5291)

Girl, you rock. Keep on posting. :)

Re: ok listen up
Posted by anona1 on Fri Mar 30 08:00:38 2001 (#5292)

one just has to be in the right mood when reading a message like that...sorry I wasn't at the time :o)

Re: ok listen up
Posted by Kate on Fri Mar 30 20:33:50 2001 (#5302)

I'm sorry, I haven't been here for a couple of days. I just read your posts. If it helps you have an awesome sense of humor and a cool personality. I know what its like to try to cheer people up when they are depressed. Love Ya!

Kate

So, how's things?
Posted by Strider on Fri Mar 30 06:18:41 2001 (#5290)

Hello everyone!! How have things been??? Sorry I just left like that all of a sudden, but I was REALLY killing myself on this board. Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love you all! It's just that, I was trying to help people too much. Being a Christian, I know that I always heave to ask Jesus what it is I should do, in any situation. Well, I really haven't been listening to Him lately (case in point, the return to the cutting), and I just figured that I was string enough to just waltz in here and try to take on the burdens of everyone here. ENHHH! Wrong move, Colin! Having really turned back to Jesus for help, things have gotten better for me. I've looked to Him for strength instead of to myself, and I haven't cut since (I really made the choice to get some help in the matter a week and a half ago when I talked to a pastor at the local Pentacostal Church, and a pastor that works at a bible camp in town). So, here I am cut free since then! Thank you Jesus! So, I'll be coming back to the board now, but only taking on what I know that Jesus wants me to, as opposed to trying to be some sort of "saviour of the board", and I'm sorry for doing that everyone. So, I will be posting agan, but not as, shall we say, "fanaticaly" as before. So, that's about it. I'll still try to respond to most of the posts, and post myself every now and then, but not like before. So, on another topic, has anyone ever seen the animated movie "Fist of the North Star"? Check it out! It's pretty hard to find (I'm talking about the ANIMATED one, not the lame-wad live action one), but it's like nothing you've ever seen before!

love and prayers, Colin

Re: So, how's things?
Posted by anona1 on Fri Mar 30 08:03:34 2001 (#5293)

glad you're back and feeling better

you're back! :)
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 30 08:12:13 2001 (#5295)

I'm glad you haven't left, anona1, you're a valued member of this board. Well, everyone is, but you know what I mean. Glad to see you're still posting. :)

Doris

Re: you're back! :)
Posted by anona1 on Fri Mar 30 08:45:40 2001 (#5296)

thanks, just had a hard week...bit better now...hope no one was counting on me leaving...*l* that would suck

Re: you're back! :)
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 30 08:54:21 2001 (#5297)

I'm truly sorry you had a hard week. I hope you know that we're always here for you. Even if we don't respond, we're always listening. And of course no one was counting on you leaving! We love to have you here! I'm glad you're feeling at least a little bit better. Please keep us posted! God speed.

Doris

Re: So, how's things?
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 30 08:09:21 2001 (#5294)

hehe, I know I'm talking to you right now, but I just thought I'd say welcome back. And, oh yeah, WE LOVE YOU! :-P

Re: So, how's things?
Posted by Maggie on Sat Mar 31 11:13:26 2001 (#5326)

Your'e very wise to take a step back and only take on what you can.

Remember it's hard to help someone when you can't help yourself.

What R these other boards?
Posted by Nicke on Fri Mar 30 11:42:33 2001 (#5298)

I know it might sound a bit nosy but I would really like to know what the other boards are that every1 is on about.

Also Hello and welcome back to Strider, not that you left for good or anything but welcome back anyway.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

what's the deal?
Posted by Jue on Fri Mar 30 19:39:15 2001 (#5300)

This is the advice i recently received and would like to share: Don't confuse your mind with your heart. My mind sometimes feels completely out of control with the most bizarre thoughts (does anyone else get that?)but the thing that helps a lot is that your heart can be totally separate from that and can still give you peace. if anyone else feels their mind no longer belongs to them just remember this i swear it helps.don't stop using your heart. love and strength, Julie p.s. Doris i made another appointment with the therapist.

Re: what's the deal?
Posted by Doris on Fri Mar 30 21:57:07 2001 (#5304)

Good for you. Thank you for making another appointment. I hope you get the help you need. I'm very proud of your strength. Stay strong. And good luck on your appointment. God speed.

Doris

Re: what's the deal?
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 1 13:58:57 2001 (#5344)

it's funny, I feel the exact opposite...my heart often wants to give up and my head for some reason says an adament no

deathly wish
Posted by suzie on Fri Mar 30 21:54:38 2001 (#5303)

well today wasnt good. i took 14 motrin. i dont think i wanted to die, i think i jsut wanted to go away for a while. i was so scared for the first 2, but than it was so easy. though i have yet to feel any effects, and i took them at lunch, and now its 3:00. well owell, another day to live. i think i would have taken more, if only had more to take. well thanks!

Re: deathly wish
Posted by STitcHeZ on Fri Mar 30 23:58:36 2001 (#5308)

hey, u know what? even if you don't feel the effects of the motrin, they're there. they're in your system and ruining your liver. slowly, deteriorating your body.....but hell....who am i to talk...12 dramamine doesn't speak too well for that does it? but anyway. what i'm trying to say is, if there was one reason to live, what would it be for you? IF there was, i don't know if you have one or not. because, i suppose...why not live for a dream? please...don't die, the world needs people like us, they need us to thrive off of. they need us to blame for the people who are in jail. they need us to live. and if we are helping people, isn't that enough to live? to continue to help them? i'm sorry this is a fukked up post but o well...

Amanda

Re: deathly wish
Posted by Jue on Fri Mar 30 23:58:55 2001 (#5309)

think of your heart. i know sometimes it feels unbearable but try to concentrate on your heart not your mind. i totally understand your pain since i have been in a similar situation but just remember that love is in the heart not the mind. love Julie

PLEASE READ IF YOU CARE ABOUT SUZIE
Posted by a friend on Sat Mar 31 07:57:14 2001 (#5317)

to eveyone: the side effects of taking 14 motrin all at once can be very serious. even if nothing happens at first, severe bleeding in the stomach can occur even after 24 hours and there can be permanent kidney damage that can turn you into a vegtable. When suzie found this out she hopefully went for medical help. I believe that she does not want to die, but she wants to escape. So, if you care about her and realize how important she is to all of us i urge you to pray for her or include her in your thoughts.

Re: PLEASE READ IF YOU CARE ABOUT SUZIE
Posted by Kate on Mon Apr 2 02:29:58 2001 (#5362)

I'm sorry about that. If there is anything I can do I'm here. I'll pray.

I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!
Posted by STitcHeZ on Fri Mar 30 23:41:52 2001 (#5307)

FUCKING ASSHOLE!!! HE SAID HE WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO ME!! HE SAID HE WAS THE GOOD ONE!!! THAT HE LOVED ME!! THAT I COULD BE SAFE IN HIS ARMS!!! WELL WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT ALL GO!!!??? This is what happened, today my dad and i got in a fight, no beig deal right? no, hell no, it couldn't just end there could it? it was on my self harm and how much i'm manipulating the family, and how much of a spoiled brat i am, and how i should be on my knees kissing his fucking shoes for all he's done for me. and i don't deny he has done a lot, as any father would, and i don't deny that my mother has etiher. but then he had to fucking hit me. I haven't been hit in soo long, it brought back soo many memories and triggers, i just went blank. then as he kept yelling at me and telling me how worthless i am he made me stand in the middle of the kitchen for 45 minutes as a "punishment" and i wasn't allowed to move at all. i was so scared, pissed, i wanted to just fucking kick him in the nuts soo hard, cause he would come right up in my face and be like "O ur so big now with ur head down looking at the floor like that" that mother fukker has it in for him. i had barley said anything the who friggen fight, i was calm and just explaining my point of view and then he had to go and blow up and hit me. that mother fucker!!! fucking asshole, he can go and fucking suck my fucking clit!! he threatened to call DCYS (which is department of child and youth services) so i become a ward of the state. i jsut moved in with him 6 months ago to get rid of all the yelling and negativity that was going on at my mom's house. so i could have structure. so i could get better....but it seems that since i've been here all i've been doing is cutting deeper. I wanna go and live with my mom again...i can't though cause my dad won't let me. he said when i moved in that if i chose to come here i couldn't leave...i don't know what to do...after that happened he was like..you know i love ya kid...like nothing happened...i don't know anymore...

Re: I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!
Posted by Jue on Sat Mar 31 00:06:33 2001 (#5310)

don't listen to him. there is no way that you ever deserve that kind of crap. of all the things to pin on you and then expect you to be thankful. i feel for you. love, Julie

Re: I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 31 02:05:42 2001 (#5311)

Wow, I wish I had some words to comfort you. To make you relax and to stop you from cutting over this. But, I am speechless. All I can say is that if you are cutting deeper and more living with him then you have to get out of there. I know you said it's not possible, but something horrible could happen to you if you stay. Please look out for yourself. I'm so incredibly sorry about what happened. Please just know that your family on this board will never yell at you, call you worthless, or hit you. If you can depend on nothing else, you can depend on us. We love you. Stay strong and be well.

Doris

Re: I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!
Posted by STitcHeZ on Sat Mar 31 03:49:29 2001 (#5312)

Thank you guys for listening to me rant and rave, i know i don't post here too often lately, and i should, i just cna never find enough time to write back to you all. and yet, you guys go out of your way to help me. thank you i really appreciate it. ...maybe i am a selfish little brat then?? i'm sorry, this whole thing with my dad has really gotten me in a bad state of mind. i wish i had a razor right now...i feel like i have no control over my life and anything that happens within it. almost as if it all depends on one mans opinion. ok i'll go now.

=me=

Re: I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!
Posted by Jue on Sat Mar 31 07:44:49 2001 (#5315)

no you definetely are not a selfish brat. i feel selfish all the time that i am so messed up cutting myself and all these people trying to help me but sometimes i just can't deal. it seems impossible but if i try to think rationally it isn't. but i suppose i am not a rational person in the first place, so maybe i shouldn't be saying this. anyways stay strong we love you. Julie

Re: I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!
Posted by simon on Sat Mar 31 04:38:07 2001 (#5313)

i can feel exactly what your going thru at the moment, it makes me mad when i hear stuff like this on here. up until i was 16, when i left home, my dad regularly beat the fucking shit out of me, and humiliated me real bad. i know what you're going thru. as you may have read on here, my mum died about 4 weeks ago now, of cancer. it was a really long drawn out death, and for the last 3 months, she was 100% bedridden, having to rely totally on family/nurses for every need. when i went to see her in february, my mum was in tears and really upset, as she told me that even tho being bedridden, she was still aware of loads of stuff going on, like my dad standing at the foot of the bed, talking to my sister about her (soon)death.my mum could hear every word. i, very calmly and cooly, spoke to my dad later that day, saying mum was really upset, and could he not talk about her when she's within earshot. and he went to hit me, for telling him how to look after his wife, and that if i really cared, i wouldn't have run away all those years ago,etc...etc... what this message is about, and i don't want to drag you down, is that bastard fuckers like that just never change. in the past eleven years, i barely spoke to that man, and when i do, thinking we're all adults now (i'm 27,well,in 11 days), he just hasn't changed. he's still a control freak,bullying fuckwit. so please, there has to be a solution for you! there has to be somewhere you can go.you have to get out of there, HE HAS NO RIGHT TO HIT YOU OR HUMILIATE YOU. and i'm guessing, going by british law anyway, that he couldn't make you a ward of state, unless your mum would have you back, which is what you said you wanted.(but don't quote me on that) anyway, i wish you the greatest of luck in trying to get things sorted, if you do find yourself cutting, do it by all means, i know the release SI can give,just take care. we are here for you.

Re: I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!
Posted by LOST on Sat Mar 31 11:06:57 2001 (#5325)

well since everyone else commented on the main point of ur post (which is exactly what i would have said) i'm just gonna say that the end part where he was all nice is a game that abusers play to fuck with your mind... they make it seem like they've done nothing wrong and it fucks with your head... the same way a child molester would tell a young child that they love them while they are molesting them...

my dad does the same thing... but i kiss his ass ALL DAY so hopefully he can stay "happy" or whatever.... the last time he went crazy like that on me he hit me too and for the first time EVER i hit him back and we got into a REAL fist fight (i got his twice in the jaw and once in the chest!!!! yay me!!!!!!) anyway, after that he hasn't come close to doing any of that... i've gotten to the point where i don't care if he kills me as long as i go down fighting. there is NO way he will hit me and me not retaliate... i used to let him do whatever he wanted when he was younger and he had total control over me but NOW i don't give a fuck... *I* have control over me... and the way i see it is when i do what he says its because *I* am deciding to and *I'M* letting him control me because i don't wanna hear him bitch (so really its me in control--- if that makes sense at all) anyway girl all i'm saying is don't let him control u anymore because as long as he see's u as an easy target for abuse, he will continue... i'm not saying to go and do anything drastic tho... and i know its hard as fuck to stand up to him... it took me FOREVER to do it... but MAYBE if u do do it, he might realize something... or something... i dunno i'm just rambling... anyway... uhm ok yeah... bye :) hehe

Re: I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!
Posted by STitcHeZ on Sun Apr 1 01:23:27 2001 (#5334)

Thank you guys for all of your support and feedback. Simon, jue, Lost, doris, you guys rule. thank you for taking time out of your day to respond to me. it means a lot. Thankz

-Amanda-

Re: I FUCKING HATE HIM!!!!!
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 1 14:09:59 2001 (#5345)

yeah, my mom hit me when I was too old to be hit...ended up walking in front of a truck without realizing...well, it stopped in time and I heard my mom scream but kept walking...still don't know if it would've been better to die long ago, but oh well

I still go home most weekends...if she wants to fight or yell, I stare at her and ignore it...it makes me cringe and pisses me off, but at least it ends more quickly and usually doesn't get worse...I don't know if that can be any help...I hope you do find a way though

god knows - alcohol etc......
Posted by necrosis on Sat Mar 31 05:02:34 2001 (#5314)

a heart can hold more pain than love, a weeping shotgun can't fire tear out the humanity & live a corpse feel so alive you can't bear to live

an innocent child grows roses in the sun A fucked up man cremates roses in the sun life used to be living, living is now dying

ensconced in the womb of mortal sleep leave me alone, tired of existence nothing to learn, just souls to burn refuse to burn others as I am scorched myself ashes of love cry for justice

Remorse in hindsight is the presents blood The future is tainted, we are the unchangers live a lie & die a truth We know nothing but nothing Life is a death of understanding

no - I don't get it either - pissed - sorry!!xx

love xx

Re: god knows - alcohol etc......
Posted by Nicke on Sat Mar 31 11:29:09 2001 (#5327)

That is soooo beautiful, even if you can't understand it. I think poems that have no specific meaning are good because you are able to draw your own personal meanings from them.

Keep writing, Nicke. XXXX

Re: god knows - alcohol etc......
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 1 14:16:58 2001 (#5346)

I get it...

In Vain?
Posted by Jue on Sat Mar 31 07:52:38 2001 (#5316)

i am constantly wondering if this will eventually kill me, if sometime i am going to go to far. i am already in over my head. but am i hoping in vain? will this confusion clear up? i don't want to hope in vain. i am tired of struggling, of fighting with myself. will i hope forever for something that never comes?

Re: In Vain?
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 31 08:50:26 2001 (#5320)

God, I sincerely wish that I had the answers to your questions. I really do. I'm sorry. All I can tell you is be careful - if you can go this far... what's stopping you from going all the way? I just don't want anything bad to happen to you. Be well and stay strong. God speed.

Doris

Re: In Vain?
Posted by STitcHeZ on Sun Apr 1 01:27:34 2001 (#5335)

It is hard to tell sometimes when u cut and want to die, and when you cut just to relieve pain. for me, when i want to die i cut deeper usually. hoping that i'll strike a major vein and just bleed to death. but you have to try and get help. Cutters are so difficult because we are very introverted about wheat we do. We keep it all to ourselves and don't want anyone to know. mostly because society rejects it so harshly...but that's another story. but i suppose what i want to say here is that you should try and maybe call a hotline? your ocunselour if your have one, even tell a friend. don't let it control you, becasue isn't that somewhat why you started cutting? to have control over something?

just a thought...

_amanda_

Re: In Vain?
Posted by Jue on Mon Apr 2 22:26:32 2001 (#5388)

Thanks. Yes, i did start cutting to feel in control, but what is weird is that people always tell me that i am one of the most controlled people they know. my sister told me recently that she can't ever remember seeing me cry and we are pretty close. although i seem to always hear other's problems and never share mine. i hate other people to think they know me when they obviously don't. i guess it is what you were saying about us being so introverted, Amanda. Anyways i am kind of rambling and i just want to say thanks again. Love Julie

THERE IS HOPE!!!
Posted by Linda on Sun Apr 1 19:50:10 2001 (#5348)

(((((((((((((((((((JUE)))))))) ))))))))))))) There is hope if you want it. It is your choice and only your choice. Please reach out to your creator who loves you more than you will ever know. He knew you before you were born and cared enough to pay for your sin so that you can go to heaven with him when you die. Last night I heard a man speak at our youth revival that was the son of a drunkard and whore. If there ever was a man that had a reason to cut and turn his back on hope, that was the man BUT I heard him say that he has NO excuse to reject Jesus.......He lives a victorious life because, in spite of his circumstances, he gave his life to Jesus many years ago........even when he was living in the daily pit of sin....as a child....He is a thrilling example of how God can take you from the worst of circumstances and be to you mother, father, brother and friend. I tell you, Jue, there is hope!!!!!!!!

New but Relapsing (If that makes sense)
Posted by Pandora on Sat Mar 31 08:48:38 2001 (#5319)

Hi, I am new to this msg board but I just wanted to say thank you for every single msg on this thing. I went and read almost every single one of them and saw myself in almost all of them. I am a cutter from an early age and am currently trying not to relapse back into it due to the hell my life has been thrown into once again. I have been trying all the stupid little tricks that have got me through the last year of giving up si and none of them are working right now and all I can think about is... well you all know how it is. I came on here looking for some new ideas to keep from going back. I realize some od you look at your scars as addatives to your body and yourselves, and I look at my old ones the same way they are a pat of who I am, but I don't want to go back. Anyone have any ideas?

Re: New but Relapsing (If that makes sense)
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 31 08:56:24 2001 (#5321)

Welcome, Pandora. I have one idea that helped me. As you may have read, I have stopped cutting for just over 100 days (yey!) so you know my method worked :-P. What I did is that I wrote. I wrote in a journal, I wrote poetry - I wrote every little horrible thought in my head. I poured it out on paper. At first I did both - I cut and I wrote. Then, after a while, writing gave me the same release that cutting did. I don't know if you're big on writing (I wasn't) but it REALLY helped me. I always tell people to get a journal - it can be extremely cathartic to get all your thoughts out. Just a thought - that's my two cents. Anyway, welcome. Be well and stay strong. God speed.

Doris

Re: New but Relapsing (If that makes sense)
Posted by LOST on Sat Mar 31 10:32:04 2001 (#5324)

i don't know girl (boy?)... i don't know what it was that stopped me... i think it was just keeping myself busy that helped A LOT... see, like now i'm always too tired to even do it. i'm either at school or at work (twice a day) or partying and with all of those things combined my mind doesn't really think about cutting anymore... its too tired to... so my advice is to just keep urself VERY busy with NO time to spare... and MAYBE it'll work... but i dunno.....

oh and doris i think the journal is a good idea too but i can't do it because i'm too worried that my parents will find it or somehow it'll get into someone else's hands...

Re: New but Relapsing (If that makes sense)
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 31 20:55:20 2001 (#5331)

I know what you mean - I'm paranoid that my mom will read it. That's why I always keep it where I know where it is and NEVER leave it anywhere in the house.

Your advice was good - keeping busy really helps. When I get bored I start to think about cutting. I'm so glad you stoppped, LOST. And I love your positive posts! Keep it up! :)

Doris

Re: New but Relapsing (If that makes sense)
Posted by Jack on Sat Mar 31 17:20:33 2001 (#5329)

Hey i was just sat here reading ur message (i dont usually post) while playing my guitar, and thought on how much playing it takes my mind away from cutting. i cut wen i'm mad(etc) but now i try to pick up my guitar to take my mind away from my body, where i can lose all the stress i have without harming myself and getting in trouble with my parent. sounds weird? well it works 4 me. Jack

Re: New but Relapsing (If that makes sense)
Posted by Pandora on Mon Apr 2 01:01:14 2001 (#5357)

Well thanks, I am trying to keep myself busy but every time I have free time I just start thinking about it again. I will definately take the journal advice. I haven't written in mine forever caus eI was always afraid someone who shouldn't see it would find it but now there is only me around so I guess that would be a benificial thing to begin again. :) Thank you ....

Can I stop?
Posted by Jen on Sat Mar 31 09:53:29 2001 (#5322)

I started cutting myself 2 weeks ago... although i havn't cut myself in a while.. I want to.. I know its bad and that it could kill me.. but I still want to.. whats wrong with me?

Re: Can I stop?
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 31 10:19:18 2001 (#5323)

First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. You just have a different way of dealing with your problems. When people are stressed or depressed, some people eat to cope with it, some people exercise, some people punch a punching bag, and you cut. You have to know, though, that is it NOT healthy. Don't think that you're crazy or anything, you just have a temporary problem that can be solved. It should be handled like any other addiction. You just have to find other ways to get the same satisfaction that you get with cutting. Writing worked for me. (I also own a punching bag that I use often..hehe.) You just have to find another, more healthy way, of dealing with your problems. I know it sounds stupid and it's a lot harder to do. But, it is possible. I quit over three months ago. I'm still going strong. Yes, I still think about it. But I write when I want to cut and that gives me the same release. Please try to find your release method. Stay strong and be well. God speed.

Doris

GOING AWAY!!
Posted by Nicke on Sat Mar 31 11:44:58 2001 (#5328)

I am going sailing until Wednesday and am in London all day on Thursday so I won't be able to visit the site for a bit. If anyone wants to speak to me direct just email me.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: GOING AWAY!!
Posted by Doris on Sat Mar 31 21:00:06 2001 (#5332)

Have fun, Nicke. We'll miss you! Be well :)

Doris

How come?
Posted by Angel on Sat Mar 31 20:15:24 2001 (#5330)

how come small cuts for me work yet i want larger ones? i have seen more powerful cuts yet can never obtain them. ripping my skin apart with words of hate just isnt enough. help? Angel

how are you all?
Posted by Alana on Sat Mar 31 22:49:08 2001 (#5333)

Hey guys, its me Alana. I haven't been here in awhile, posting and stuff, but just know I check it every couple days to see how you are all doing. I will read all your posts and reply to them soon. I promise. Theres just been alot of stuff going on, good and bad, and I have to figure it all out. I think and pray for you all. Love you lots. Alana

my night in the hospital
Posted by suzie on Sun Apr 1 02:13:29 2001 (#5336)

last night i was so scared, i didnt know what to do. I took 14 motrin at lunch and nothing happened so i thought i was all and good and went on with my life. At about 11 Oclock i had lyds mom call the posion control center and ask what the motrin will do to me. the posion control center said that i would get internal bleeding and kidney disease. And that i could turn into a vegtable. I was so scared. I have never been that scared in my life. I thought that wasnt afraid of death. i was wrong on that and i couldnt tell my mother. i didnt know what to do. I called Fr Mike, because Fr Mike was the only person i knew to call. I was so scared, he told my mom and they drove me to the hospital. while i was getting checked into the hospital, i was looking out the door waiting for Fr Mike the whole time. He walked in with mother Ellen and i ran out to hug him, i feel bad, because he was the person that i wanted, i didnt want my mother, or my father, the person that i wanted was Fr mike. oh i was scared. the doctor came in and was talking to me and stuff, Im lucky they said, i didnt have to get my stomach pumped, since it was 12 hours after words. i dont think i have ever been so scared in my life. they said that i have to go to a thearapist. i wish i could go to Fr Mike, but he only has his batchlors in Psycology. so i cant have him. I am afraid for when my father gets home from atlanta. my mom will tell him, and i will be so ashamed. oh i am so scared. I have some damaged organs now, liver, kidney and my tummy hurts a bit. Fr Mike was sitting on the chair next to me, while the doctor was checking my arms, and my legs. i told him that there was no more cuts and scars on my,. when there was. but he belived me, i think. Im so ashamed. I told the doctor that i dont want to ever do it again. but i want to so bad. i dont really want to die, .... i just want to escape.

Re: my night in the hospital
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 1 02:52:30 2001 (#5337)

Oh, suzie, I am so sorry. God save us all from such a night. He certainly saved you. Wow.. I can't think of the right words to comfort you. I'm sure you're still very scared. I just want you to know that I'm very glad that you realized that you don't really want to die. I'm sure you never want to go through that again. Please be strong. I know what it's like to want to escape. You just have to find your way of escaping - other than SI and suicide attempts. My way of escaping was through my writing. Some people write or play music. Please find your escape. And please don't do anything like that again. You know we would miss you too much. Please be well and God speed.

Doris

Re: my night in the hospital
Posted by M on Sun Apr 1 04:50:58 2001 (#5338)

Mmm, honey, you had me worried. I'm glad you're OK.

You've a way now to maybe get help. Don't let that get by. Hold on to it. It's a great opportunity. I'm willing to bet you have the strength to use it.

It may take a while, but hold on. You can and will get through this. It's so very important that you do.

Re: my night in the hospital
Posted by ~!~ on Sun Apr 1 05:45:55 2001 (#5339)

I know exactly how u feel...I did almost the samething a few weeks ago...I didnt really wanna die either...just wanted to escape for a while! I g2g! bye

Re: my night in the hospital
Posted by Doris on Sun Apr 1 06:02:20 2001 (#5340)

Christine... is that you? If it's not... I apologize.

Re: my night in the hospital
Posted by ~!~ on Sun Apr 1 19:09:03 2001 (#5347)

yea it's me! sry I didnt leave my name or ne thing! I g2g! bye

Re: my night in the hospital
Posted by STitcHeZ on Sun Apr 1 06:05:23 2001 (#5341)

I am sooo glad that you're okay! i hope that the motrin didn't do too bad of damage. that can be bad. maybe you should try calling Fr Mike before you do something like that. maybe he could help you out, he seems like a good friend to have. why not try and use him as a support? and kudos to u for having the guts to have your friend's mom call the poison control center and get to the hospital. that must have took a lot of guts. your right there Suzie. right there, i know that you can do it suzie, your strong. i can tell. words are precious things, they are like eyes, they are a pathway into the soul. i know that you can beat this.

love and support

Amanda

READ!!!!! GOOD INFO FOR FIRST AID!!!!!!!
Posted by lyds on Sun Apr 1 06:18:11 2001 (#5342)

sorry if you already know this but i found it worked really well. Tonight i cut very deep by mistake, the blade was sharper than i thought and i guess i pressed too hard. but it took me by surprise becuase i had just been trying to make a small scratch. Anyway, here's what i found out and it works really well (thank suzie). once a cut is not dripping blood, take two small thin pieces of tape and put one on the left side of the wound so that it will go perpendicular to the cut but only attach it on the left side. then put the other piece of first aid tape parallel to the first one but only attach it on the right side. then grab each one and pull them across the cut so you are pulling them in opposite directions. this brings the sides of the cut together. then put a large piece of tape on each side of the cut parallel to the cut to hold the ends of the two pieces of tape. This really helped to keep my cut closed so i thought i'd share. you all probably knew to do this but just in case anyone didnt and might ever need it.

Re: READ!!!!! GOOD INFO FOR FIRST AID!!!!!!!
Posted by Jue on Mon Apr 2 22:33:32 2001 (#5389)

Steri strips also work really well if you can get them where ever you live

My mind is constantly thinking, wondering!
Posted by JULIA on Sun Apr 1 22:56:10 2001 (#5350)

I guess I am okay, I'm not really sure. I feel so weird since I've gotten out of the hospital. I don't think that things will ever be the same. I can't help but think and wonder about things. My mind drives me crazy. I am wondering if I'll end up the hospital again. It wasn't that great, I mean I'm not sure if it actually did help me. I feel really confused, my mind is spinning, thoughts are all rambling. I think that I might write a book for people like us. Maybe I could call it "Suicide: The Truth". Well, maybe that's not the best title. Anyway, let me know what you think of this idea. I just want to write a book to comfort others like us. A book full of compassion and thoughts, writings from others like us. I could call it "Suicide: A Companion", does that title make sense? I don't know. I just want to write something for people like us who feel lost in this world, whose thoughts run wild. For people who feel incredibly lonely, who wish they could stop the hurting going on in their hearts. Please give me your thoughts, ideas. Hope you're all doing well,

Julia P.S. Be strong!

Re: My mind is constantly thinking, wondering!
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 1 23:50:17 2001 (#5353)

sounds like a good idea and it will give you focus, like Doris' journal...people like us are looking for answers and even if the book doesn't have answers, it'll be a distraction...I think it's a good idea

Re: My mind is constantly thinking, wondering!
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 00:58:37 2001 (#5356)

I think it's a beautiful idea. Anona1 is right - it will give you focus and keep you occupied. But I think it's a great idea also for someone who feels this way to right a book about it. All the books out there are by 'experts' - I think someone like us could really benfit from a book like that. Kudos for that idea. :) I also think it could give you a new perspective about your position. I dunno, just a thought. Good job, Julia. Good to hear from you. Be well.

Doris

Re: My mind is constantly thinking, wondering!
Posted by Jue on Mon Apr 2 22:38:09 2001 (#5390)

i totally know about how it feels with your mind spinning and spinning. i think your book is a great idea. i started writing one, more of a narrative though, but i haven't finished i think i have to change a lot about it though. i am happy for you. Love, Julie

tears...
Posted by black rose on Sun Apr 1 23:03:56 2001 (#5351)

last night I couldnt believe what happened...my dad always calls my mom stupid and fat and I followed her upstairs yesterday and she was crying! she started telling me that she was sry for being such a bad mom...I wanted to kill myself when she said that cuz she blames herself for my cutting and how my dad treats her...but she's not a bad mom at all! I couldnt help myself...I just ran over to her and hugged her and told her she was the best mom and started crying! I thought of what I always needed when I got mad or sad and no one gave me...a hug...and when u hug them no matter how mad they r they dont expect it and they just start crying in ur arms! when she asked me if I still cut I didnt say ne thing...I just stood there and hugged her...I cut my stomach up pretty bad that day cuz my dad started yelling at me but I didnt know how to tell her! it's not her fault I cut and I wish that she'd just know that...and it's soo hard for me to stop! I dunno what to do ne more... I really need someone to talk to! I hope my relationship w/my mom is finally getting better! I g2g! Christine

Re: tears...
Posted by anona1 on Sun Apr 1 23:48:14 2001 (#5352)

tears and hugs are good...I don't know the previous relationship btwn you and your mom but it sounds like it's going pretty well...sorry about all the yelling from your dad...that's how it is with my mom...

at this point I don't trust anyone enough to cry in front of them or hug them...it's a healthy thing to do though...good luck...take care

Re: tears...
Posted by black rose on Mon Apr 2 00:05:56 2001 (#5354)

my relationship w/my parents sux...but my mom has always been the best to me! I couldnt believe that she was crying and that I started to cry w/her! it shocked me big time! Christine

Re: tears...
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 01:12:41 2001 (#5360)

Anona1,

Why don't you trust people enough to cry in front of them or hug them? You don't have to tell me. I'm just curious and concerned. Be well.

Doris

Re: tears...
Posted by anona1 on Mon Apr 2 08:25:11 2001 (#5369)

the people who I thought truly cared died or left me

Re: tears...
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 08:35:05 2001 (#5372)

Oh God, I am truly sorry. :( I hope you can trust us, though. We're not going anywhere. Be well.

Re: tears...
Posted by anona1 on Mon Apr 2 08:36:22 2001 (#5373)

sorry, I don't really trust anyone, but I answer questions

Re: tears...
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 08:37:21 2001 (#5375)

Understood. Just know that we love you.

Re: tears...
Posted by anona1 on Mon Apr 2 08:42:23 2001 (#5376)

b/c I don't trust, I don't trust love from other people...if they're persistant and I get to know them better, I start to feel it...it's been taken away and abused...

really I've been back and forth about giving up on life...just so frustrated...I know killing myself would be wrong...I wouldn't want to go and have all the guilt of it...so sometimes I hope or pray to die...for about a week now, I have no idea what I want, I just go through the motions of what I have to get done during each day...so it's okay

Re: tears...
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 09:03:02 2001 (#5377)

I understand how you feel about love. And I know EXACTLY how you feel about life. For a long time I knew that killing myself was wrong, so I would do things like stop in the middle of the street to see if a car would hit me. Or go out in the middle in the night in the middle of a dangerous city hoping to be attacked. It's sick, I know. I just wish you wouldn't give up on life. The possibilities are endless - you have to just think about that for a second, if you won't believe it. Think about all the things you'd be missing out on if you ended your life. Think about the things you were born to accomplish (I believe everyone's life has a plan). I just wish you wouldn't give up on it. It sounds like you've given up on people and maybe even love. Just know that it can get better. Just stay strong and hang in there. And believe that you can be happy. That's all it takes. You'll get through it. I did. You can too. Please be well and stay strong. God speed.

Doris

Re: tears...
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 01:05:30 2001 (#5358)

Chris,

I'm glad to hear that your mom and you are getting closer. I just have one thing to say about you feeling horrible that your mom think it's her fault - think about how good she'll feel, how good you'll feel, how much closer you could get... if you went up to her and told her you hadn't cut for a week... maybe even a couple days. And then go back a few days later saying that you're keeping it up. I can't think of a better feeling for a parent - to witness the strength of her daughter. Let that thought drive you. Please, please try for her. She loves you and doesn't want you to cut anymore. We (on this board) love you and don't want you to cut anymore. Please try. Maybe just for a day. Then, next time - go for two days, then three. It worked for me, Chris. Please just try. Love you.

Doris

love....
Posted by LOST on Mon Apr 2 00:17:20 2001 (#5355)

doesn't it suck when LOVE is causing you so much pain... but at the same time, LOVE is the only thing that can make u happy? does that make any sense? like if the person who u are crying over is the only person who can make u NOT cry...

love is retarded in general and i hate it... i hate the thought of it.......... BUT at the same time i love it and i love the thought of it. i'm making no sense... i'll shut up... this was pointless

Re: love....
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 01:10:21 2001 (#5359)

Love is the only thing worth living for and the only thing worth dying for. I heard this once... "No one is worth your tears and when you finally find someone who is, they won't make you cry." Just reminded me of that.

I happen to have a strong belief that true love is the meaning of life. I know what you mean, though. I fell in love recently and I've been happier than I ever have been in my life. But, he lives 400 miles away from me and my mom never lets me visit him, so all I do is sit in my room, think about him, and cry. I'm in so much pain because I can't see my love. I dunno if that's the same thing, just a thought. I hear ya, LOST. Stay strong. :)

Doris

Re: love....
Posted by LOST on Mon Apr 2 08:01:02 2001 (#5367)

its exactly the same thing :)

I want to die
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 2 01:24:52 2001 (#5361)

there's this huge part of me that just wants to die! Thats all.

Re: I want to die
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 04:02:35 2001 (#5363)

Hold on to and focus on the small part that wants to live. The part that knows that you're family will be miserable without you, that everyone on this board would miss you, that killing yourself would accomplish nothing. Please focus on that part, and don't forget it.

Love and strength, Doris

are there?
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 2 05:36:25 2001 (#5364)

Are there any potheads on this board? Just wondering....meah

Re: are there?
Posted by Kate on Mon Apr 2 20:48:10 2001 (#5383)

I used to but I might have asthma.

Re: are there?
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 2 21:23:20 2001 (#5385)

I wouldn't exactly say that I'm a pothead, cuz alot of my friends smoke up to 4 blunts or more a day, and I don't. So I wouldn't know how to classify myself. I do alot more than I use to these days, I think that its a distraction from what's really bugging me. I use to smoke maybe once a week..now though, I'm smoking pretty much everyday. Maybe 1 spliff a day, or if I'm really hurting sometimes up to 3 or 4! It doesn't affect me now, but I know that in the near future it will. Ah well, just thought I'd share my love for good ol' weed here.

Kate, you should email me sometime, I think we are alike in alot of ways! YOu kick ass! Love ya,Alana

Re: are there?
Posted by Kate on Mon Apr 2 23:51:23 2001 (#5395)

Ok.

Re: are there?
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 3 09:22:32 2001 (#5403)

not as bad for you as alcohol or smoking tobacco or cloves, etc

going away
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 07:47:19 2001 (#5365)

I'll be gone til Friday, just thought everyone should know. I'm taking a plane and I hate planes, so please pray for my safety. Thanks, see you all soon! Be well.

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: going away
Posted by LOST on Mon Apr 2 07:49:04 2001 (#5366)

where ya goin?

Re: going away
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 08:19:26 2001 (#5368)

I'm sctually going to visit my boyfriend. I know I was complaining that I never see him, but I'm going to surprise him with a visit for our two month anniversary (I know - two months, big deal). My mom is SO against me going, she barely speaks to me. My dad said it was okay though and he's paying for the whole thing! So, I guess I'm really lucky. I just wish my mom would lighten up. Sorry I was complaining before. Everyone must think I'm a spoiled brat. Maybe I am, I dunno. Anyway, that's where I'll be. :)

Doris

Re: going away
Posted by anona1 on Mon Apr 2 08:30:58 2001 (#5370)

I really hate planes too...hope you have fun wherever you're going...take care

Re: going away
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 08:36:27 2001 (#5374)

Thanks hun.

I like these
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 08:33:51 2001 (#5371)

Just a few things to think about...

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."

"But you do not see, nor do you hear, and it is well. The veil that clouds your eyes shall be lifted by the hands that wove it, And the clay that fills your ears shall be pierced by those fingers that kneaded it. And you shall see And you shall hear. Yet you shall not deplore having known blindess, nor regret having been deaf. For in that day you shall know the hidden puposes in all things, And you shall bless the darkness as you would bless the light."

"Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then you shall truly dance."

by the way
Posted by Doris on Mon Apr 2 09:05:36 2001 (#5378)

Just FYI, these quotes were taken from Kahlil Gibran's novel, "The Prophet" - a great read. :)

?
Posted by Angel on Mon Apr 2 17:26:43 2001 (#5379)

Hi, I dont know if this is just me, but I seem to scribe words into my skin. The words are then a constant reminder. Does anyone else do this or am i just strange?? noone replyed to my last message so could someone plz reply?? Love Angel

Re: ?
Posted by Lost and Lonly on Mon Apr 2 17:40:53 2001 (#5380)

I have done that, there was this guy i went out wiht and i wrote his name on my ankel(SP!) every one thought i was mad as they were sayin wot if you break up with him. and i did but im still glad i did it as i know deep down i still love him. You are not strange, i know others that do this as well. Love and Hope Amanda

Re: ?
Posted by / on Mon Apr 2 18:34:34 2001 (#5381)

I wrote 666 on my arm. It didn't bleed so I thought it would go away but I still see it.

Re: ?
Posted by Jess on Mon Apr 2 21:22:25 2001 (#5384)

i wrote slut in my arms and legs.you cant see them in my legs but my arms are visible.My friend wrote who she fancied in her arm.She can still see it clearly today.I have no regrets, she does.

Jess

Re: ?
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 2 21:25:29 2001 (#5386)

I have never carved anything into myself, but I was thinking about it, maybe hate, worthless, reject, envy...oh there are so many to choose from. I'm sick lately, I'm going crazy.

Re: ?
Posted by Angel on Mon Apr 2 21:58:17 2001 (#5387)

Thank you for that i just wondered most of my words are ones which question my existence like "cant U see?". I have my own name written too. dunno why seems like a nicer way to cut. live long,Angel

Re: ?
Posted by LOST on Tue Apr 3 01:43:08 2001 (#5398)

that was my favorite way to do it... initials, names, word, symbols... to me, its prettier than straight lines... and for some reason it made me concentrate more and go into a deeper state of mind or whatever... like concentrating on holding the (whatever u use) perfectly and trying to follow the line and make the designes or names perfect... having to do the curved parts slower and more carefully so that they would be curved right... just carving away on that same little spot so u can make it as deep as the rest of the name or whatever it is... i mean, it just put me in my own world more than just cutting straight lines...

i have at least 50-75 words/names/initials/symbols on my body... some of them are just retarded, others are names of guys and others are special to me... people ask me how i can carve these things into my body knowing that they will be there forever... but like its not a big deal to me at all... its just scars... they're just names... for some reason my scars just haven't embarrassed me very much and i haven't really regretted them... at least some of them are kinda pretty :)

Re: ?
Posted by anona1 on Tue Apr 3 09:29:20 2001 (#5404)

carved J on my ankle and breast when I loved a guy...

cut some stupid word in my leg long ago, but it went away and don't remember that one

a few weeks ago carved shit backwards in reverse on my breast so I can see it in the mirror...it was a lot short and more hide-able than "worthless" or any other word I came up with

Re: ?
Posted by L on Wed Apr 4 04:06:49 2001 (#5424)

i always write "HATE" on the right side of my body and "HELP" on the left i dunno why

My Hope Is Still Alive
Posted by Linda on Mon Apr 2 19:58:09 2001 (#5382)

I love this poem(actually song by Ron Hamilton) MY HOPE IS STILL ALIVE

I, Peter followed Jesus Christ, I believed the words He said, I watched Him do great miracles, I saw Him raise the dead, He said He was the Promised One, By our father’s prophesied, But then He climbed up Calvary, And there was crucified.

They nailed my Savior to the cross, His life He could not saved; Old Death had triumphed once again, And sent Him to the grave, A hopeless gloom surrounded all, I turned my back and fled; I sought a kingdom without end, But now my King was dead.

My Hope is still alive, My Hope is still alive, My Savior lives forever, Praise God and so shall I; Hallelujah Christ is risen, All power to Him is given; Christ Jesus lives, My Hope is still alive.

O Christian is your hope alive, What sorrow plagues your soul? What doubt has gripped your troubled heart, And tried to take control? Remember Christ is risen now, And he bears a conquering sword; So lift your spirits to the sky, For Jesus Christ is Lord!!!!!

O sinner, if before the throne, You’ve never humbly bowed, Just lift your eyes unto the skies, Your Savior stands just now, With open arms He’ll take you in, Those sins He’ll wash away, And give you peace that never ends, Accept Him now today!

Re: My Hope Is Still Alive
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 4 02:45:30 2001 (#5422)

Amen! :)

It's beautiful.

SONGS!!!!!!
Posted by Jue on Mon Apr 2 23:08:02 2001 (#5391)

"Sometimes I think I'm gonna drown 'cause everyone around's so hollow and I'm alone. Sometimes I think I'm going down, but no one makes a sound they follow and I'm alone."

-Offspring "Come mothers and fathers throughout the land, and don't critisize what you can't under stand. Your sons and your daughters are beyond your command. Your old road is rapidly aging, so get out of the new one if you can't lend your hand, because the times they are a changing...the slow one now will later be fast as the present now will later be past."

-Bob Dylan Do you like them?????? Questions?????? Comments???????? i have more.

Re: SONGS!!!!!!
Posted by Angel on Mon Apr 2 23:37:39 2001 (#5393)

Absolutely excellant. Smash which is off the same album (offspring) is another crazy song. "head over heels I've been here be4, now I dont want to do it no more, i just wanna b who i wanna b, guess its hard for others to seee" Do u reckon Dexter Holland cut??

Re: SONGS!!!!!!
Posted by WeaZLe on Mon Apr 2 23:46:48 2001 (#5394)

i have some cool lyrics too

"all these times that ive cried all thats wasted its all inside

im on the outside im looking in i can see through you see your true colours cause inside your ugly ugly like me i can see through you see the real you"

Staind - outside

Re: SONGS!!!!!!
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 3 19:18:21 2001 (#5406)

i love those songs!!!!!! Here's some Smashing Pumpkins: "Speak to me in a language I can hear, humor me before i have to go, deep in thought i forgive everyone, as the crowded streets greet me once again...Tomorrow's just an excuse away, so i pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own."

Re: SONGS!!!!!!
Posted by WeaZLe on Tue Apr 3 21:02:56 2001 (#5411)

i love smashing pumpkins, especially the song "galapogos"

Aint it funny how we pretend were still a child softly stolen under blanket skies

and rescue me from me and all that i beleive, i wont deny the change, i wont deny the pain, but should i fall from grace here with you... would u leave me too?

too late to turn to turn back now, i'm running out of sound and i am changing, changing and if we died right now, this fool you love somehow is here with you i won't deny the pain i won't deny the change and should i fall from grace here with you would you leave me too?

Re: SONGS!!!!!!
Posted by Angel on Tue Apr 3 21:49:10 2001 (#5413)

Smashing pumpkins do rock i aint listened to them for ages though. Siamese Dreams and machina r their best i reckon. Angel

Re: SONGS!!!!!!
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 3 23:18:45 2001 (#5416)

i used to listen to galapagos on repeat before i went to sleep. it is somehow comforting.i'm a geek . i know. heh. heh. heh.

Re: SONGS!!!!!!
Posted by WeaZLe on Tue Apr 3 23:55:22 2001 (#5417)

i do exactly the same, i listen to galapagos on repeat :) funny, everyone reckons siamese dream is the best album...it has mroe sentimental value for me tho, i lost my virginity to that :) heh heh...shhhhh

Re: SONGS!!!!!! and the lost cherries...
Posted by simon on Wed Apr 4 02:31:08 2001 (#5420)

That'll cheer this place up! Seeing as there's been a few here who say it needs livening up! What song did you lose your virginity to? Me, well, you're gonna laugh at this, i lost my (consenting)virginity to Ray Parker Junior-Ghostbusters!!!Not just the one song, but the album it was off of!!! I now bury my head in shame.

Re: SONGS!!!!!! and the lost cherries...
Posted by simon on Wed Apr 4 02:36:20 2001 (#5421)

i cannot believe i just admitted that!!!think i'll change my name or something.

Re: SONGS!!!!!! and the lost cherries...
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 4 06:20:15 2001 (#5430)

Simon, you are the cutest!

Re: SONGS!!!!!! and the lost cherries...
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 4 06:22:57 2001 (#5431)

Oh yes the question, what song? Well I haven't lost my virginity yet, cuz I'm still just a baby. But I did lose alot of my innocence to Angel of Mine..Monica. It was sweet.

Re: SONGS!!!!!! and the lost cherries...
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 5 00:06:16 2001 (#5454)

Me i haven't lost my virginity yet. but i can think of a few songs i would like to lose it to. heh.heh.heh.

Re: SONGS!!!!!! and the lost cherries...
Posted by simon on Thu Apr 5 01:23:21 2001 (#5458)

hmmm, well i feel i have to write this, but to counteract the disasterous music onthe "first time", i hopefully made up my credibility the second time, as it was "nervous xians, by m.l.w.t.thrill kill kult", on repeat on the cd.

Re: SONGS!!!!!!
Posted by ** on Wed Apr 4 14:14:08 2001 (#5438)

-if I'm killed by the questions like a cancer, then i will be buried in the silence of the answer-

-You come on like a drug, i just can't get enough. I'm like an addict coming at you for a little more. and there's so much at stake, i can't afford to waist.i never needed anybody like this before..-

Re: SONGS!!!!!!
Posted by WeaZLe on Wed Apr 4 22:20:08 2001 (#5445)

i didnt lose it whiel the album was actually playing but it got us in the mood and i always think of that when hear bout smashing pumpkins, so close enough for me.

Re: SONGS!!!!!!
Posted by Jue on Thu Apr 5 00:03:04 2001 (#5453)

that's funny. smashing pumpkins don't revive the same memories in me. but oh well. i laughed when i read it and now everyone in this library is giving me strange looks. heh.heh.heh. don't you love that??? i have some more lyrics. " If you want to be somebody else, if you're tired of fighting battles with your self, if you want to be somebody else, change your mind." That is the Bare Naked Ladies. i am not sure how they expect you to change your mind, but i like it anyways.

Re: SONGS!!!!!!
Posted by Kim on Fri Apr 6 23:38:02 2001 (#5512)

-It's 4in the mornin' I'm lyin in bed tapes of my failures playin inside my head. it's heartaches and hard knocks and things i dont know i listen and i wonder where will it go?

-you dont know how it feels, you dont know how it feels, no you dont know how it feels to be me.

-There's a girl in the mirror I wonder who she is Sometimes I think I know her Sometimes I really wish I did There's a story in her eyes Lullabies and goodbyes When she's looking back at me I can tell her heart is broken easily 'Cause the girl in my mirror Is crying out tonight And there's nothing I can tell her To make her feel alright

sorry i been quiet
Posted by WeaZLe on Mon Apr 2 23:37:25 2001 (#5392)

since the age of 8 I have been depressed, slowly getting worse. I come to the conclusion that the root is the fact I as bullied as a child. I still am a child in the mirror but not in my head. I can’t explain how I feel and because I am no longer suicidal people think that I must be better. I have self-harmed since the age of 12, first cutting and scratching, but now I burn myself instead. I have terrible mood swings. One minute I am unbelievably hyper, the next I want to curl up and disappear. I am not suicidal. I don’t want to die. I just want to run away, I feel trapped and enclosed but this isn’t any issue with parents or anything, its because I want to escape my insides, if that makes sense to anybody. I look in the mirror and sometimes I have visions of getting razors and shards of glass and dragging them through my skin, ripping my face to shreds, because I feel it is my only "escape". I know I sound weird, but this is one of the only times I am going to be completely honest because I scare the people around me if I try and tell them how I feel. If I try and explain all I ever get is "its natural for your age" I hate to sound like I think imp unique or something but I KNOW this is not NORMAL. if it is, I'm unsure how the majority of teenage girls survive because i find it difficult. people think im unbeleivably lazy, and yes, i am at times. but i really have NO energy. i look at myself and i despise what i see. i dont care if i have to hurt myself, its the only way i can see of getting where i want to be. I've always been overweight, and the more people bullied me the worse i became. I try doing things, i KNOW i shouldn’t but i still do. I try and make myself puke but i get nowhere. Im so unhappy. I do some very stupid things in my life, some i m ashamed of, some i would be if they weren’t my only window to pure happiness. I know im not manic-depressive because i can go for months without hurting myself, and i can occasionally feel happy for no reason. And i dont want to die. But in general i feel useless, hopeless, i haven’t the lust for life to get anywhere. I have ambitions galore, and im happy to work for them, but im not happy to WAIT, im not happy to do things which seem pointless, Im just NOT HAPPY. I dont want to be put on medication...although i am willing to turn to it, because i cant stand how im feeling. Slowly i am getting worse and worse. I have minor fits of anger sometimes. The worst example was 3 weeks ago, ii nearly literally lost control of myself. My legs feel like they are going to explode... i cant explain but its like i feel i HAVE to kick them (??) and my entire body goes shaky and i can feel every cell inside me scream. And the only way to make it stop is to hurt myself. I ended up having to burn my leg, and for the first time it HURT... i FELT that pain and i hated it and i never want to do that again. Does anybody feel EXACTLY the same as me? Because I cant seem to relate to the way you people feel. I relate to your emotions…but not the situations and examples etc. I need help.

Re: sorry i been quiet
Posted by LOST on Tue Apr 3 01:34:44 2001 (#5397)

i feel the same way... i mean when i was reading it... somehow it felt kind of like someone had got into MY head and was maybe mocking me by putting it on here... the thing where ur not suicidal so everyone thinks ur ok... the ages... the mood swings... escaping ur insides... people thinking ur lazy when u really don't have any energy... overweight... the whole thing with working for things but not wanting to wait... burning actually hurting...i mean EVERYTHING in there is the same as me... except for the leg/shaky/cell thing... thats never happened to me... but yeah just letting u know, that thats the first time anyone has actually like "taken something out of my head" and felt the same way... its kinda crazy that someone else feels that way too... but now all thats left is figuring out how to fix it... :) u can e-mail me if u want chick :) peace outties

Re: sorry i been quiet
Posted by necrosis on Tue Apr 3 02:20:43 2001 (#5399)

escaping from my insides is a particular mission I have in life, however my insides would become outsides & this sentence is now nonsense.

No energy is often a symptom of depression - apathy/lethargy out of a disinterest in life - boredom. Sounds like medication could help. Been on Citalopram & it's worked for me (O.K. you know I'm more fucked up than you), but before silliness decided to impart it's wise ass on me, I was relieved. Moods much better & despair almost gone.

I know what it's like to concentrate on not screaming or destroying everything in your path. They say 'hit a pilllow', but that doesn't really work - too fake. Sport used to work for me before I got sick - need some outlet for the frustration/aggresion you feel. Immerse yourself in other activities that give you pleasure if you can.

Do you feel you should be happy given your life & relationships? If so a chemical imbalance in the bonse seems likely, if not, then changes would help - but change is a painful word too swallow as I know only so readily

Love ya, stay happy, or at least indifferent if you can

Re: sorry i been quiet
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 3 19:32:12 2001 (#5407)

i understand how you feel because many of the same feelings i have. i am on celexa but i am not sure if it helps. the doctor has increased my dose. what you were saying about your daydreams is so bizarre because i do exactly the same. i am constantly imagining myself being beat up, run over, etc. it has totally taken control of me. for a while i had this plan called project mayhem (fight club)and it was to completely destroy myself. don't do anything like it, i encourage you to get help before it gets worse. because it will destroy you. remember that even if you feel terrible that inside you is a beautiful person. i know this because you were honest about your feelings which is something that will help you a lot and i haven't quite gotten there myself. love and hope. Julie

Re: sorry i been quiet
Posted by WeaZLe on Tue Apr 3 20:46:39 2001 (#5410)

i dont beleive depression can be caused by "chemical imbalance" i beleive it all has a root, although some we consider to small to be a root. but it triggers and all small things equals one big thing. one little thing...if u deny it being important it makes itself so.

Re: sorry i been quiet
Posted by L on Wed Apr 4 04:13:49 2001 (#5425)

how old are you? just out of curiosity...

Re: sorry i been quiet
Posted by WeaZLe on Wed Apr 4 22:21:07 2001 (#5446)

14 years and 6 months (just to be extra) :¬)

what will happen?
Posted by Kate on Mon Apr 2 23:55:01 2001 (#5396)

I have to go off of Zoloft and Neurotin for five days at the end of the month. I have to go off them because i have allergy tests and the nurse told me to stop taking my medication for five days. I'm scared at I'll fall back into my depression. Does anyone have any advice?

Re: what will happen?
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 3 19:38:28 2001 (#5408)

i am not really sure but if it is only for five days it may not affect you that much since it stays in your system for a few days, but try getting outside as much as possible. it works for me. i am a runner so i just go and exhaust myself in the beauties of nature. it sounds dumb but it helped me. oh well this probably didn't help i am sort of rambling. love and hope,Julie

Re: what will happen?
Posted by Kate on Tue Apr 3 22:48:03 2001 (#5415)

Thanks for the advice.

Re: what will happen?
Posted by Doris on Wed Apr 4 01:51:36 2001 (#5418)

I agree with Julie, I think it will stay in your system. And if you do start to get worse, you know the signs. I also agree with Julie that you have to get out and keep busy. If you have a job or if you're in school, just focus on that - get absorbed in that and don't allow any room for thinking about getting worse. Try to stay strong. I'll be praying for you.

Love and strength,

Doris

he's gone, and it hurts
Posted by suzie on Tue Apr 3 03:54:43 2001 (#5400)

Friday night, while i was in the hospital, my best friends best friend, Billy, who was so nice, commited suicicide. He took a gun, put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. i dont understand why. just, just why. it hurts, to think about it. i didnt know him. and it hurts to bad, it hurts to know that he did this. it hurts to look over and see jenelle crying. it hurts so bad, it hurts that this wonderful girl is feeling so bad. i ... i just dont know. i sont know why. he was so happy ,. he fooled us all,

just why?

Re: he's gone, and it hurts
Posted by LOST on Tue Apr 3 06:03:52 2001 (#5402)

i can't even really comment on that because it makes me sad inside(i'm cheesy)... see i want to die all the time but when i actually hear about it and see the pain that someone else goes through when it happens it makes me so sad and disgusted with myself... but i'm sorry that ur friend is having to go through that and i'm sorry that the guy had to end his life so soon... :(

Re: he's gone, and it hurts
Posted by Jue on Tue Apr 3 19:41:23 2001 (#5409)

That's awful. i feel so bad. and what scares me is that no one knew. he must have been in so much pain.

Re: he's gone, and it hurts
Posted by Angel on Tue Apr 3 22:24:32 2001 (#5414)

That is terrible i know it sounds corny but that has happened to me but differently. My best friends' best friend was killed in a car crash and he was devastated for days after and it affected me even though i never knew him. But suicide is bad, its like terrible especially if there isnt any known reason for it. Although i guess there must have been some reason. The best thing which i found was too just always be there which i'm sure u wud b anyway. i'll just be quiet in a corner. Angel

Re: he's gone, and it hurts
Posted by black rose on Wed Apr 4 03:53:37 2001 (#5423)

we all wear some sort of masks that hide who we really are inside...we show other ppl what they wanna see and not what we do...I guess he just couldnt take it ne more! I feel so bad for ppl even when I dont know them and I wish there was something I could do...if no 1 really knew how he really felt then he left u helpless...but I guess he didnt say ne thing cuz he didnt want ne 1 else to go through pain cuz he was 2! I hope u and ur friend feel better! I g2g! Christine