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Threads 1801 to 1850

ADIOS
Posted by Alana on Thu May 10 20:27:23 2001 (#7322)

Yup, I'll pulling the plug kids. There's no way out. I'd just like to say thank you and I love you, to all those I did! Dave, my best friend through the past while. I love you so much, and don't give up. Doris, my saviour, who taught me so much. To Strider, my cutie, my one true love. I love you with everything that I am, I'm sorry I have to leave you. Tp Nikke, to Blackrose, to elle. to Lost, to Blue, to Bleeding Poet and to everyone else that I missed. I love ya guys! Thanks for the past while, I do appreciate everything that I have leant here.

Thats it for me, signing off, Alana

Re: ADIOS
Posted by david on Fri May 11 00:57:53 2001 (#7327)

All I'll say is ring anytime - myself & Blue are here for you.

xxx

love

Re: ADIOS
Posted by Blue on Fri May 11 01:11:20 2001 (#7328)

Alana - check your email.As David said - call anytime. We're here and listening. Love Blue xxxxx

Re: ADIOS
Posted by black rose on Fri May 11 01:47:22 2001 (#7331)

Alana I wish u didn't have to leave...I'm gonna miss u sooo much! If u ever wanna talk just for fun I'm here! b*bye :*( Christine

Re: ADIOS
Posted by Doris on Fri May 11 06:59:55 2001 (#7337)

We're going to miss you, hun. Email me anytime. Love you.

Doris

Re: ADIOS
Posted by LOST on Sat May 12 00:02:59 2001 (#7350)

didn't anyone else notice that it sounded like she was going to kill herself? why are u guys saying "e-mail me" and stuff like that? if she's dead, she CAN'T... why don't u tell her not to go or that she is worth something in this world. I hope you're still here alana. despite all that drama a while ago, ur still a cool chica. so if ur here, GET UR ASS TO TALKIN TO ME!! :)

Re: ADIOS
Posted by Tara on Thu May 17 02:09:08 2001 (#7425)

hey girl you can not give up.i know what you are going through right now.i have been where you are right now.PLEASE don't do this.i have not been on this board in a long time,but the first thing that i read was your post and it reminded me of myself.i know that it seems really hard now,but i will promise you that it does get better.i have been a self mutilator for almost 3 years now and i am now just getting back on my feet again.i am 17 almost 18 years old.please don't end your life now because you think that there is no way out because there is a way out and i will help you if you will let me help you......believe me i do care for you and do want to yhelp you in any way that i can.call me on the phone if you need to.i need to hear that you are ok first.PLEASE e-mail me or post something to me.i must hear from you.i may not know you,but i don't care about that.i care about you staying alive.i can't just sit here and let you die.that ain't gonna happen as far as i am concerned.i have to go for now ,but please contact me.it is very,very,very,very,important to me that you do this for me OK.

LOVE YOU AND HOPE YOU

WRITE ME BACK VERY

SOON,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Suzie?????
Posted by Jue on Thu May 10 23:54:44 2001 (#7325)

Does anyone know how Suzie is doing???

Re: Suzie?????
Posted by black rose on Fri May 11 01:48:17 2001 (#7332)

I dunno..I'd like to know 2!

Re: Suzie?????
Posted by elle on Fri May 11 05:32:55 2001 (#7335)

I havent talked to her in a few days but the last time i did she was doing really well, in her words: she is living like a normal teenager. ok thats all i know.

Elle...??
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Fri May 11 00:14:26 2001 (#7326)

Hey elle are you there? are ya okay?? you havn't been posting, and that one night we were talking you just kinda left, so yup, just wondering if your okay, well...okie...love ya! buh bye ~shanna

Re: Elle...??
Posted by elle on Fri May 11 05:34:57 2001 (#7336)

yeah i am ok. ok is very relative at this point. often i just have to get off line becuase of what else is going on in my house. i need to go hide or something so nobody yells at me. sorry. later

DORIS!!!!!!
Posted by black rose on Fri May 11 01:50:28 2001 (#7333)

hey what's ^? I've missed u soo much! don't leave for that long I miss u too much! :O) I'll give u an update on what's happening if u want...just e-mail me! K? Christine

Re: DORIS!!!!!!
Posted by Doris on Fri May 11 07:03:03 2001 (#7338)

Aww, hun. You're too sweet. I missed you too. I'll email as soon as I can, which will probably be tomorrow night. I'll love to hear how it went (?) with your boyfriend. Nothing much is going on here. Email you soon. Love you.

Doris

futile all
Posted by drunk & despondent on Fri May 11 04:39:20 2001 (#7334)

why? answers are ignorant of truth I deserve exactly what I get, with justice just an opiate of the tragic revelation impunity bleeds only for itself in the face of the gods

to be alive is to die a slow & painful death To be dead is to be devoid of experience. Purity is your womb. A ghost cannot haunt itself I feel my memories. I recall. A lust for life,an exuberant defilement of a knowing unknown Carrying the hod of disclosure has so painfully weakened the will in my limbs

I loathe with every synaptic pulse, the transposed order that distills my nihilism I live to procreate & preserve my being. All is inconsequential & meaning is the simply terminal poverty There are no answers, there are no questions. There is only what is Exist to extinction

The desire is to pursue that which delivers the greatest pleasure. All pleasure swings through pain to stability We cannot experience anything other than now. Now is conscious only in reflection Now is an oxymoron of the highest order. Feel, but unaware. Awareness is unaware

Memories are our past. Our past is our future. All exterior events are predetermined by their past. We react to the exterior Free will & chaos are simply the waters of illusion on cement

So my pain doesn't matter. I don't matter Nothing matters, nothing ever did I live for the drama. All is & will be

I'm OK - yes I know no-one will have a clue what that's about,guess it's just about why?!!! No answers dictate a necessary no questions.

for those that know me I'm OK, but it's been very hard of late. But yes, I'm safe

love you

xxxxxxx

Re: futile all
Posted by Doris on Fri May 11 07:06:03 2001 (#7339)

Haven't talked to you in forever. What's new? I love your posts - you have a beauty in your words like no other. Hope to hear from you soon. Love you.

Doris

Re: futile all
Posted by ... on Fri May 11 09:36:56 2001 (#7341)

I got it...I always get it...I might as well be dead b/c I don't really connect to people in life...I've barely spoken in a month...doesn't seem to matter or be noticed much...wish I'd just die...just too lonely to stay...doesn't matter, I don't matter

Re: futile all
Posted by black rose on Sat May 12 02:15:20 2001 (#7352)

it's good to hear from u and hear that ur safe! Keep it up... Keep postin! Christine

its so fucked up now im scared...
Posted by girl on Fri May 11 18:08:15 2001 (#7345)

ok so ive done it again and im feeling paranoid again i can feel it creeping up to me like a shadow and im breathing it all in.and it wont stop none of these demons will go away. and im so pathetic and demanding and clingy and urrrrrrr...i dont want to be this person anymore i dont know her now and it scares me these flash backs stalk me and the night isnt my refuge anymore its not my shield now. what is there to live for anyway?ive failed you all. just ignore me i dont know anything anymore just stupid again i guess.

girl

Re: its so fucked up now im scared...
Posted by melissa on Fri May 11 23:20:11 2001 (#7347)

im scared to be me. my thoughts once comforting, now frighten me.the thought of me wanting to die used to be a fantasy, its so hard to fight a fantasy. i try to find a reason to live and i cant, that scares me. i dont want to be me. i want to be a person that all people adore and want to be. i need him, i wish he needed me. goes to show i was right when i said things never get better they only get worse... i feel you girl in heart and mind.

Re: its so fucked up now im scared...
Posted by melissa on Fri May 11 23:21:33 2001 (#7348)

that post was not a song... just letting you know

Re: its so fucked up now im scared...
Posted by black rose on Sat May 12 02:17:15 2001 (#7353)

Please don't talk like that...ur strong!!! I'm here...just talk to me!!! Christine

anyone have napster?
Posted by melissa on Fri May 11 23:15:41 2001 (#7346)

yeah i have plent more songs / lyrics, thats all i do all day. well this is nerd signing off. im out

Re: anyone have napster?
Posted by LOST on Fri May 11 23:47:16 2001 (#7349)

is this MY melissa or a different melissa (cuz u talk a lil different then the girl i know) but i'm not sure... let me know

Re: anyone have napster?
Posted by melissa on Sat May 12 01:23:05 2001 (#7351)

yeah its me. haha how do i talk different?

Re: anyone have napster?
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Sat May 12 18:30:21 2001 (#7355)

i have napster!! wahoo! my SN is LilMinkMu

!!
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Sat May 12 18:28:40 2001 (#7354)

okay, i pierced my own eyebrow, and my parents are gonnna make me take it out!! but i really really dont want to, so can anyone give me some good arguments i could give them?? i dont know if they will listen, but i can try, well thanks, buh bye ~shanna

Re: !!
Posted by elle on Sun May 13 01:06:19 2001 (#7356)

you are sooo brave. i can't wait to get my eyebrow done...june4 is the date. i dont really have anything you can say to them. maybe its your body and your choice, or since your birthday is so close, tell them that what you really want is for them to let you keep it

Re: !!
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Sun May 13 05:09:53 2001 (#7358)

Man, if you lived by me i would peice it for you!! haha, man my parents are freaking out, too damn bad it took my mom 3 days to even notice, my dad didn't either, but he's half blind so...yeah, so far i have 7 peircings, i wanna do my lip, but not right now, and i too scared to do my tongue, i could like paralyze it, oowell, i wonder if excessive peircings is a form of SI..hmm..o yes sorry to go on and on...yup buh bye, ~shanna

Re: !!
Posted by anona1 on Sun May 13 09:32:27 2001 (#7359)

sorry I don't have a real answer for you...my mom didn't want me to get anything done and was afraid I'd get hiv or whatever in a store so I did my ears myself and have 7 in them...did my bellybutton with a safety pin long ago but took it out the next day (that was all a bad idea)...so my mom didn't know about that but did realize my ears and was okay when I had one in each since I told her I did them rather than a store, then she got annoyed when I did more...don't think that'll help in your situation... basically, I was wondering how you did it yourself...if I got an interesting one, eyebrow would definitely be my choice...though even though I'm old enough to do what I want, my family is very judgemental so I'd have to contemplate it longer than the 4 years I already have...anyway, good luck

Re: !!
Posted by girl on Sun May 13 17:50:40 2001 (#7360)

WOW!!!u r so brave i was a wuss about getting my nosee done by a professional and u did ur eyebrow urself!!! just keep it clean, oo i recommened dipping cotton wool dipped in warm salt water to clean it ass theres sometimes alcohol in those bottle treatments which can make ur skin go hard!or maybe thats just me!..... girl xxx

Re: !!
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Sun May 13 18:27:39 2001 (#7362)

I just took a safty pin and pushes it from the bottom up, it really didn't hurt at ALL when i did it, but like 4 hrs later i started hurt, but not really bad, man i am so pissed, i am not taking this out, rar!! i told them thats its my birthday today, but they still are making me take it out, but i am not hahaha, ok buh bye ~shanna

*me*
Posted by elle on Sun May 13 01:07:55 2001 (#7357)

hey sweetie, hows everything? havent heard from you in a while... how's it going with your mom? did she talk to you yet? did you mail the lady? hope so....talk to ya soon! elle

Re: *me*
Posted by *me* on Sun May 13 19:39:36 2001 (#7363)

Hi Elle! Girl, I was worried about YOU because you just signed off that one day. I hope everything's ok. My mom still hasn't said a thing to me. It's really really freaking me out. Why would she bring it up and say we'd talk about it and then just ignore the whole thing?? It's nice to know she cares that much about me (ahem). I mean, I never wanted her to know, and it always gave me chills to think about what would happen if she did find out, but I guess I always thought if she did know she'd DO something. I mean, oh I don't know. I guess it just kinda makes things worse by knowing that she knows and just doesn't care or whatever.

Anywho, I'm really really thinking about emailing the lady. Seriously, I'm not just saying that. I really am thinking about it, I just have to debate both sides in my head before I do. Thank you hunnie.

Lots of love

jess u around?!
Posted by girl on Sun May 13 17:52:59 2001 (#7361)

hey havnt heard from u in a while and my e mail addys have been wiped thanx to my little bro!i gotta new addy as u can see so if u need to chat just mail it honey im here! love girl,

first timer
Posted by ChrisE on Sun May 13 19:53:25 2001 (#7364)

hi.

I never told anyone about this before.

I cut myself. I don't really know why. I just like bleeding. It seems to make the world a bit friendlier. I enjoy it, but sometimes I worry. I'm fairly sure this is how my life will end, though I probably won't mean it.

Nothing else seems to matter to me right now.

Talk to me...

Re: first timer
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sun May 13 21:33:32 2001 (#7365)

Hey ChrisE :) well, welcome to the bord, we all cut or burn or something so feel free to say whatevers on your mind. No one here will judge you and they are all really supportive.

Any-who, I think we all know the feeling of nothing else mattering ( I know I do ) and I don't know if you're here because you want to stop, need suport or just feel alone but whatever it is we're all here to help.

Drew:)

Re: first timer
Posted by girl on Mon May 14 21:16:24 2001 (#7374)

i so know the feeling dont stress ur not alone here we r all here for everyone and my email is always there if ever u need to chat. :) love girl xxx

Re: first timer
Posted by black rose on Wed May 16 00:44:51 2001 (#7397)

Hey ChrisE, welcome to the board...whenever u wanna talk or just tell whatevers on ur mind we're here to help w/the cutting a bit...if u want to! Christine P.S.~ I'm always here if u ever wanna talk! my sn is ~ Twistedpsycho13@aol.com ~ don't let the name throw u off!

Hey I need opinions. What should I do?
Posted by *me* on Sun May 13 22:32:53 2001 (#7366)

Ok, so my friend had a little get-together thingamajig yesterday with all our friends. So we're all talking and doing girly stuff, you girls know what I mean. I was talking with like 3 people. And for some reason, we actually were talking about cutting. (Little tidbit of knowledge: It's incredibly weird to talk about cutting as if you yourself don't do it when you actually do.) Anywho, I was feeling my friends out to see what they would do if I told them. I was like, so what would you do if someone told you they cut. And everyone said they'd tell. But then I was like, well what would you do if they weren't trying to kill themselves, they just cut. And two of my friends still said they'd tell. But another one of my friends said she wouldn't. And I was like, ooh right, but you'd just go tell other ppl and then they would tell. And she was all, no I wouldn't in fact I do know someone who does that and I haven't told. And for the rest of the night people kept trying to get her to tell and she wouldn't. So anyways, here's my question. This girl is one of my very best friends. Should I tell her and trust that she won't rat me out? Because if my mom finds out (well ok so she already did, so if my mom gets told again) I guess she just doesn't care. But if my friend tells a teacher or something then the school is involved and that's really bad because my guidance counselor is freaky. And if she slips and tells another friend then I'm screwed. I don't know what to do. But it's kind of eating me up inside. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I mean, I've been hurting myself for four years and never told and all of a sudden one day my mom finds out and I was sooo scared but then she didn't do crap about it, and I don't know, I don't want my family to know because I couldn't stand to face them, but I feel like I could live if my friends knew. I feel like this secret is eating me up inside. I'm good at keeping other people's secrets, but when it comes to myself I hate it. But I'm scared about what the consequences could be. I don't know. Opinions? Anyone?

Lots of love

Re: Hey I need opinions. What should I do?
Posted by elle on Mon May 14 04:46:34 2001 (#7367)

dont tell your friends. no response they will have will meet your expectations. she will either shrug it off as no big deal which will make you feel like crap becuase it is a big deal and if she makes a big deal about it then you will be annoyed at her for not being more understanding. trust me, no matter how cool she seems about it before you tell her, it will not bring the relief or anything else you want, deserve, and need. it will do nothing but bring you more worries and reasons to cut. and you knew in your soul that you would never tell your secret and then if she knows she would not tell, then maybe she would feel that you are in need of help and tell. i dunno...tell her if you want, if it was me, i wouldnt tell....i told some close friends becuase they were wondering why i was always leaving school and y i was always in the therapists office. after i told them, they NEVER once talked about it again. two said it was no big deal and it was stupid because we have free will and can just not do it if i really want to. the other friend i told swore she wouldnt tell anyone and was cool with anything. and she totally flipped and said if i wasnt already in therapy she would have called my parents and told them.

Re: Hey I need opinions. What should I do?
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Mon May 14 05:25:01 2001 (#7369)

Welllll....if you really think you can trust her, i would tell her, cause thn you would havce somone that is closre to you, that you have for support...thats what i would do...but its up to you!! ~shanna

Re: Hey I need opinions. What should I do?
Posted by anona1 on Mon May 14 10:38:53 2001 (#7372)

It is a hard situation...I'm always in that situation...no ones knows I still do anything and I've been doing stuff for 7+ years...my family has never known, thank goodness...and some of my friends know I did it in the past but don't know I still do it...sometimes I bring it up as a thing of the past just to get it out...I haven't felt right about telling them I still do it...I really hate myself for a lot of things, especially for not being good enough for anyone...so I don't need to worry anyone with me...I trusted one person enough a couple years ago not to tell...I didn't tell her I was cutting but I handed her all my blades and told her not to give them back for a while...anyway, she got worried, but didn't tell...but I never did anything like that again...anyway, I'm really sad these days...no one to talk to and I don't bother posting much here...okay, so about your friend...I don't trust people easily but she sounds like a good candidate...it would be great to find someone to talk to about it with...maybe bring it up saying "I've done....before" and see how it goes...good luck

Re: Hey I need opinions. What should I do?
Posted by girl on Mon May 14 21:24:27 2001 (#7375)

i told a few of my friends and it only caused probs and tension and the last thing you need is more stress also the worry of it leaking is intense i know ive been there and it did so i wouldnt tell but i would find someone to confide who can really help in the long run not just some short term stand in. i recommend adult teachers or a therapist as long as you can be completly honest and trust them 101%. the fact you doubt telling your mate suggests you dont so if i was in your position i wouldnt but hey that might just be me.....just be careful honey, love girl xxx

Re: Hey I need opinions. What should I do?
Posted by Jue on Tue May 15 02:55:47 2001 (#7382)

I told my best friend at school first and she was super supportive and never told anyone. I told another friend and she didn't freak out, was also supportive and got me going to therapy, she never told a soul either. It depends on the people though. Most people i know well know i cut now which i am fine with. they also know i haven't stopped since i have tried my best to make them understand the addiction part. right now my therapist says that i should aim for reduction instead of quitting. anyways i am way off topic. Tell them?? depends on the person,i guess, i never had any bad experiences with telling people.love julie

Re: Hey I need opinions. What should I do?
Posted by black rose on Wed May 16 00:49:20 2001 (#7398)

*me* I had the same problem a few months ago..I was really scared to tell my friends what's going on...but I did! it feels better to tell someone..but sometimes they can hold it against u...like my friend says if I cut myself she will to! It's hard and they could slip 1ce but it happens cuz they don't know what to do w/ this new information...I think that if ur friend can handle not telling ne 1 about some1 she knows that does it...then she's more likely to be trusted w/ur secret and be the 1 to know! but careful cuz everything kinda changes after that! u make the choice! Christine

problem
Posted by elle on Mon May 14 04:49:24 2001 (#7368)

i was just having stomach pains and i realized i havent had my period since february....worrisome. i didnt even notice. i think i may be pregnant. i am so scared. all pray for me.

Re: problem
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Mon May 14 05:30:27 2001 (#7370)

wow, that sucks bigtime, i haven't gotten mine in about 2 months eaither, i think its cause you stress though, and i'm only 14, i mean..15 so its still asll fucked up, ANYWAYS, you are in my prayers! LOVE YA! and remeber, no matter what happens, all of us here are here to support ya! ~shanna

Re: problem
Posted by LOST on Mon May 14 08:48:47 2001 (#7371)

i'm having the same problem right now... but i've had so many pregnancy scares that i don't even pay attention anymore. if i am, i am... can't change it now so theres no use worrying about it... thats just my opinion.

Re: problem
Posted by girl on Mon May 14 21:27:19 2001 (#7376)

hey your in my prayer type things! if i was u id get a test done just so u dont worry we r here 4 u whatever happens honey hope its all alright email anytime love girl xxx

Re: problem
Posted by *me* on Tue May 15 00:14:16 2001 (#7381)

Sweetie it's okay, we're here to support you! I know that we can stop having periods if you're under a lot of stress....mine's all wacked up and I think that's why lol! But if you think there's any possibility of you being pregnant I think you should go have a test done. At least an at-home one, for starters. That's what I would advise. We're here for you no matter what! I'll say a prayer for you.

Lots of love

Re: problem
Posted by Jue on Tue May 15 02:59:20 2001 (#7383)

that sucks. stress can make it stop and also if you haven't been eating much. but yeah get a test done. we are here for you. stay safe. life can be a real bitch. love julie

Re: problem
Posted by black rose on Wed May 16 00:52:16 2001 (#7399)

I think u should get tested...then u really know what's going on...I hope everything turns out fine! Ur in my prayers! Christine

Need some SUPPORT!
Posted by Someone on Mon May 14 18:09:18 2001 (#7373)

Hi, I didn't cut for a while now but i can't take it any longer its like a little voice say cut yourself you wil feel better. but I don't wont to its so weird so tempting ! so PLEASE give me some support I need it !! someone..

Re: Need some SUPPORT!
Posted by girl on Mon May 14 21:34:34 2001 (#7377)

i know how it feels sweetie ive been down like that after a clean stint. i tried writing a letter to my self harm just saying how i feel about it instead of doing it sometimes it helps for a while...i dunno give it try sometime.....theres so much other stuff you can do instaed and i know its sometimes hard to motivate yourself but just getting out the house to the park, mall anything helps.u can get thru this. email me if u need to chat or leavea post we r all here to help u thru this one. love girl xxx

Re: Need some SUPPORT!
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Mon May 14 23:25:01 2001 (#7379)

I know how you feel! i wish i could be as strong as that to fight the temptation. your doing soo well! dont give in! you must be really strong to have gotten this far, so just hang in there!!~shanna

Re: Need some SUPPORT!
Posted by Jue on Tue May 15 03:02:37 2001 (#7384)

i know how that is sometimes i feel that cutting is my only option. stay safe though you have come this far. and setbacks don't mean the end. love julie

Re: Need some SUPPORT!
Posted by Someone on Tue May 15 21:44:56 2001 (#7390)

THANKS to you all!!! I realy needed that, and...I didn't cut! thank you !! someone.

Re: Need some SUPPORT!
Posted by black rose on Wed May 16 00:53:54 2001 (#7400)

Someone, we're always here to support u through ne thing...ur strong...u'll make it through!!! I have faith in u! Christine

they all know im so dumb...again
Posted by girl on Mon May 14 21:41:17 2001 (#7378)

well i had another flashback today it wa awful and i dont know where i was or how long it took i only know it was someplace in school its horrible and my head of year found me and its all so messed up im so scared i went to see my support person in school cos i went back to where i tried to commit suicide and she was on a bad day and i feel really guilty about bugging her all day i just felt so awful,they told me i had to tell my therapist so i did and now im scared in case they put me on medication or in a clinic and dad knows ive started self harming again and he had a talk with me and i feel so bad cos he was so happy and ive just ruined it again.im just a burden, just a silly girl and im not worth it.sorry to ramble on guys im dumb i know. girl

Re: they all know im so dumb...again
Posted by Jess on Mon May 14 23:47:48 2001 (#7380)

YO!! your worth everything to me sweetie!! Tell them that you dont want meds,explain how you feel.Your dad loves you and is there to support you no matter what.if all else fails (i seriously doubt it)we will still be here for you.Your not bugging no body.They are there to help you and make you feel better.(she isn't worth the pain if she makes you feel bad)i'll always be here for you if you need me (even if you dont) love you Jess

Re: they all know im so dumb...again
Posted by Jue on Tue May 15 03:07:51 2001 (#7385)

I know how it feels to let people down when they think you have stopped harming. it sucks, makes me feel so guilty. my mom told me though that i can't stop harming for other people and that really i am not responsible for anyone elses feelings. anyway don't know what i'm trying to say. take care. love julie

Re: they all know im so dumb...again
Posted by black rose on Wed May 16 00:56:43 2001 (#7401)

it's ok girl! Ur not dumb...everyone slips! The flashbacks go away! I even have mine from when I was small and got raped repeatedly by my sisters! it sux...I'm here 4u! Christine

black rose
Posted by Jue on Wed May 16 05:55:01 2001 (#7407)

I feel so bad that you were hurt by your sisters. I know how weird it feels to have something like that happen by another girl. I was sexually abused by another girl and for the longest time thought it was my fault. It made me feel so gross. I just want to say thanks for sharing because I have always felt so weird to have been sexually abused by another girl. love julie

we.go.up.and.down.on.the.merry.go.round.
Posted by Jue on Tue May 15 03:22:24 2001 (#7386)

Well, well things are great one week and hell the next. on the weekend i found out that one of my friends, whom i have known since i was five, has tried to commit suicide twice. i feel slightly helpless, went on a major cutting binge.

Then today one of my good friends tells me that she is suicidal and that she doesn't know what to do. so i get terrified that she is going to start cutting or something cause she knows that i do. so i ask her and she says yes she has been thinking about it a lot lately. now i feel so damn bad and i have to keep her safe. so i have talked to her and might go out with her tonight but honestly. what do i do?????? i don't want to tell anyone because she told me not to so i have suggested therapy but she is scared her parents will find out.

damn and i am trying not to cut. where to go. what to do? yikes...i have a dilemma. i care soo much about my friends and damn they are obviously in pain. i certainly hope i didn't bitch too much to them.

FUCK and i am in the midst of trying to work through all this sexual abuse shit that happened to me, i think i am going crazy from sensory overload. well sorry to bitch and complain i just needed to get that out.

take care everybody love julie.

Re: we.go.up.and.down.on.the.merry.go.round.
Posted by black rose on Wed May 16 01:00:29 2001 (#7402)

Julie, my friend is the same way...she scares me to death w/it! sit her down and talk to her...u guys can help each other...us it to cope...u guys know how each other feel and u can talk about it together and ways that u can both help each other! Christine

Re: we.go.up.and.down.on.the.merry.go.round.
Posted by Jue on Wed May 16 05:56:32 2001 (#7408)

Thanks Christine. Take Care.

hi i'm new
Posted by darkness on Tue May 15 14:35:54 2001 (#7387)

Hi i'm new here. I have had si for 3 months now. My parents know and my school knows. Yesterday I went too far and had to have 5 stitches in my arm. I don't even know why I cut. It hurt so much I wanted to scream. It was terrible. But afterwards I felt so calm and proud of myself. Isn't that sick?

Re: hi i'm new
Posted by girl on Tue May 15 22:26:53 2001 (#7392)

hiya there i dont think its sick at all i been there too honey and i know how it hurts differently if that makes any sense to u at all, sorry dont want to get all heavy on ya...well not yet!!!!!we r here to help u and if u feel strong enough to give advice thats great too, email me if u need to alk anytime, stay safe hon, love girl xxx

Re: hi i'm new
Posted by black rose on Wed May 16 01:14:07 2001 (#7403)

it's not sick...I think we all get that feeling now and then!

Hi! my name is Christine! I've been cutting 4 about 2 yrs now and my parents and school know! it sux! I've been sent to hospitals for suicide attempt and cutting too deep! I've even been to mental hospitals...they suck major ass!!! I dont tell ne one when i need stitches...I'd rather keep 2 myself...so now I have deep scars that ppl stare at when I walk by...that sux to! everyone here is here to help u! IM me if u ever need to talk! Christine P.S~ I'm always here!

Re: hi i'm new
Posted by Jue on Wed May 16 06:01:38 2001 (#7409)

Hey. i know it has already been said but no i don't think you are sick.

Like Christine was mentioning hospitals suck. when i had to show my therapist my cuts she also sent me to the hospital for stitches. now i try to hide it better beacause i hate hospitals. but i only went the once so i also have ugly wide scars so stitches are probably a better solution.

Stay safe and keep posting. love julie.

ok, Any-who......
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Tue May 15 18:07:43 2001 (#7388)

Is it just me or am I the only guy on this bord? It seams that every person that cuts is femail and that's really wierding me out. come to think of it I've never met one guy that does SI.... Am also an outcast to the SI community?

Drew :(

Re: ok, Any-who......
Posted by insignifiant other on Tue May 15 20:36:40 2001 (#7389)

ok, i have no idea if your random guesses are true, but i have something that might cheer you up!!! (ok, no, unfortunately i can't tell u i'm a guy, cos that would just be the biggest lie imaginable) i know loadsa guys who SI, that's not exactly promising info, but it might make you feel less of an outcast. i am also guessing when i say this, and having no idea about guys feelings, i'm probably wrong, but hey, i'll say it anyways. i think that maybe girls find it easier to admit to things, i had such a hard time trying to get the truth out some of my male friends bout SI, they thought that it woz ok for them to SI, but it ruined their image if they actually admitted it. so yeah, that's probbaly complete and utter bullshit, but if it helps at all, its there.

love and much wisdom, insignificant other

Re: ok, Any-who......
Posted by Someone on Tue May 15 21:48:19 2001 (#7391)

My best friend is also a cutter. Someone.

Re: ok, Any-who......
Posted by necrosis on Tue May 15 23:42:19 2001 (#7395)

Well I checked just for you, & yes - I'm a guy. I know of Colin who posted here & Mike, a 33 year old that I met on another board. It's supposedly 70/30 ish in favour of females

guys are more likely to act out aggression, girls turn it inward. Biological & sociological factors there. & as someone already pointed out, girls are more likely to admit it as they are naturally more expressive with their feelings & guys may feel emasculated by the act - especially as it always seems girls are the only ones doing this.

Anyway, I'll put on a studded jock strap, beat my hairy chest & be more emotionally incompetent just to inject some testosterone into this pretty pink arena!

I have to be gone, some one needs me to grunt incoherently at them

take care

Re: ok, Any-who......
Posted by black rose on Wed May 16 01:17:24 2001 (#7404)

Drew, guys come and go...I'm sry to tell u but more gurls cut than guys...about 1/15 to 1/20 cutters is a guy...that's what my therapist told me! sry hun! Christine P.S.~ we can always help although we are not guys!

Re: ok, Any-who......
Posted by ChrisE on Wed May 16 14:43:07 2001 (#7413)

I'm a guy. So I guess we're a minority of a minority or something like that...

thanx for the message the other day, it's pretty wierd actually admitting this stuff but I think it must be better than making up another "accident" I'm supposed to have had.

hey drew
Posted by lys on Sat May 19 01:22:47 2001 (#7459)

well, I know it seems like not many guys SI, but that is not true. It's just that most guys choose more 'socially acceptable' forms of it, ie punching walls, picking fights they might lose, doing high risk activities that often cause injury, and that type of thing. insignificant other made a good point, and that is that males tend not to admit to needing help so much as females do. And males often turn to substance abuse more than females, instead of cutting or hurting themselves.

take care, lyssie

um.....i fucked up maybe its time out time...
Posted by girl on Tue May 15 22:37:47 2001 (#7393)

one of my main support peeps is 'exasperated' with me but i think shes angry with me cos i cant explain what im doing anymore i just cant explain these feelings, im not a supergenius im just a 15 yr old girl.im not a lot im too much, i guess this is the way it is. i do know something though! i know i have to tell people because one day i might have a really bad brain day and i ll need someone to be there for me. one day i will find myself in a situation where i feel able to tell my'story' my life.i ll be able to divulge my truth even though its so deepy hidden cos i just cant face it yet.i dont want to lose my support i dont want to lose it all.maybe i just need to throw it all into a skip and start again, spend some time 'away'anywhere i guess just someplace secure and far far away and see how it goes. im scared of myself and whats happening i dont know what to do i just want to die to make it all goo away i dont know if i mean that or not but i have thought about it a lot recently...oh well sorry about the loooooong post thanx 4 readin it. love girl xx

Re: um.....i fucked up maybe its time out time...
Posted by Jess on Tue May 15 23:01:58 2001 (#7394)

I LOVE YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: um.....i fucked up maybe its time out time...
Posted by Jue on Wed May 16 06:08:50 2001 (#7410)

I totally know what you mean about going away and spending time completely alone. I think about that a lot but have come to the conclusion that I would probably go crazy. Stay Safe and be careful and please please please don't think of death as an option.

Take Care. love julie.

OMG...
Posted by black rose on Wed May 16 00:39:58 2001 (#7396)

omg my parents just left to talk to my councilor and I know she's gonna tell um about all the burn marks on my legs! I don't care about whatever else she tells um cuz I know what she'll say...I just don't wanna hear my parents when they come home!! NE 1 have ne advice on what to say or how to handle this w/my parents please tell me!! Christine

Re: OMG...
Posted by Jue on Wed May 16 06:13:59 2001 (#7411)

Sorry i don't really know. i don't know what to say except that i care and please please take care of yourself. The only thing I have learned in dealing with my parents is to try not to freak out at them and try my best to explain how i feel. but i don't know we have different parents. Take care. lots of love julie.

Re: OMG...
Posted by ChrisE on Wed May 16 14:52:03 2001 (#7414)

One time I lost a lot of blood, went wanderin' round town dripping then came home and just left my previously white shirt for my mum to clean. She didn't ask, nor did anyone else. So now it's private, that was a cry for help but I don't think it is now...

I guess the point is that your parents care and they want to help, sometimes people just don't know what to do so they pretend not to notice.

good luck,

chris.

ChrisE
Posted by black rose on Wed May 16 22:36:43 2001 (#7418)

I hide all my cloths that have blood on them...my parents freak cuz they dont understand a thing!!! Christine

Jue
Posted by black rose on Wed May 16 22:33:33 2001 (#7417)

one part of me wishes I could tell them how I feel but it's hard...and another part of me wants to keep it all inside! my parents jump to conclusions and blame me for all my cutting and y they get mad at times...and tell me that they can't take my shit ne more or they'll send me to another mental hospital! my mom thinks I'm doing all this just for attention and thinks I'm just another bill...she hates all the meds I'm on cuz they cost us alot of money and so does my councilor! I just can't talk to them...when they ask me about everything I ignore them and walk away...they just don't understand! If they understood then I probably would have less of a problem telling them! Christine

Re: OMG...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri May 18 01:50:39 2001 (#7444)

Hi. This is the first time I've gotten on the board. Tara knows that I have been reading some of the posts written here and I told her one day I might post something, so here goes. When we found out Tara was cutting, it shocked us. We knew something was wrong. I went in my bedroom and cried thinking I had done something wrong. Her dad just denied it. It took a hospital stay for Tara and lots of counsiling but she has slowly turned her life around. It's been a long process and it will take longer yet, but she has a family who helps and supports her. I was scared at first but then realized that she needed my help more than me yelling at her and freaking out about every little cut. When she did cut, she would show me and I would ask if she knew why she cut. Most of the time she didn't. I learned that I needed to be there for her to talk to. There were some nights we stayed up for hours just talking. Her dad finally came around even though he is still uncomfortable talking about it. HE finally understands that her cutting is adictive just like drinking and drugs can be. I admit that Tara is pretty lucky to have friends and family that don't consider her a freak. We love her just like she is. I can't really tell you how your parents will react. I can only hope that if you decide to tell them that they will offer you help and not hurt you even more by rejecting you. Every person is human and deserves to be treated with respect. I will pray for you and hope your parents will be understanding. I would also like to thank everyone who helped Tara when she was going through her toughest times. She posted here and she did let me read them. Everyone who wrote her back gave her a sliver of hope and that hope all added up to where she is now. THANK YOU!!!!!!!! I pray you will all find peace within yourselves someday. Tara's Mom

Re: OMG...
Posted by Tamsyn on Fri May 18 18:56:18 2001 (#7456)

Umm... It is my understanding that counsellors can't break their confidentiality agreement or you can sue them. Although, that may depend on how old you are and what state your in. But generally, if you tell a mental health professional something and they tell somebody else -- unless they feel you are a major danger to yourself or others -- they legally can't tell anyone else without your consent. Hope this helps... Love, tamsyn

I don't know what to do
Posted by Rabbit on Wed May 16 04:08:17 2001 (#7405)

Hi. I'm kind of new to this board. I've been scoping you out for a while, but haven't posted. Anyway, I'm posting now because everything in my life is going wrong, and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I should just kill myself and get it over with, but is that really the answer, or will my problems follow me even beyong the grave? I don't feel safe in my own skin and can't wait to cut again. I am so miserably useless. Well anyway, that is how I'm doing right now, if anyone cares.

Re: I don't know what to do
Posted by Jue on Wed May 16 06:20:02 2001 (#7412)

First off: you are certainly not worthless, although i know how that feels. i believe that we can all be useful and important in life.

Secondly i don't think death is an option. What i think is that if we have not resolved what we have in life here and now how can we have something better at the grave. i don't know what you believe, but i think that our life will echo in death.

Sorry for the philosophy. Mostly i hope that you will keep posting and trying to find hope b/c it is available.

take care. love julie

Re: I don't know what to do
Posted by black rose on Wed May 16 22:41:23 2001 (#7419)

Rabbit, welcome to the board! Don't kill urself it may end things but will it really make u and the ppl around u feel better? ur not useless! What happens when u try to kill urself and it doesn't work...ur gonna live w/what u did...it doesn't make u feel ne better...trust me I knnow from too much experience...and more to follow! it's not a way out! if u ever need ne 1 to talk to I'm always here! my sn is Twistedpsycho13@Aol.com don't let the name throw u off! Christine

apology
Posted by elle on Wed May 16 05:05:10 2001 (#7406)

sorry to all of you out there that i want to respond to, but i am too goddamn lazy so fuck it. i wish you all well and i wish i could help but i dont think i really can. hope yall are well. laters.

Re: apology
Posted by girl on Wed May 16 23:05:24 2001 (#7420)

thats okay honey! we all have days when we just cant be arsed! hope ur ok and hear from u when u can, love u, girl xx

snap out of it
Posted by neveah, .......it's dark on Wed May 16 18:33:36 2001 (#7415)

all these people keep tellin' me to, "SNAP OUT OF IT NEVEAH," or, "PAY BETTER ATTENTION," but the problem is they have their heads too far up their own butts to realize what's really goin on!! my friend of, (i can't even remember how long) has been SSOOO STOOPID lately, is there som e sort of mad blonde disease going aroung also? for crying out loud i showed her a new font the other day and she repeatedly aske if it was a code!!! ok, we are not in freakin' elementary school anymore!!! too make matters worse when someone is around that i like she always announce, "oh, any new burns Neveah," i like to leave my private life OUT of private school, no one understands there, they have all lived their lives accordingly, and are brainwashed vegetables!! i have soo much stress now, i kind of just burn myself subconsciously, i woke up one morning w/a sharp pang and looked at my arm, and i couldn't remember that i did it the night before, it's become a habit, and i'm scared, IT'S SO HARD TO HIDE IT, ESPECIALLY FROM PEOPLE WHO KNOW!! i am living in fear that my parents (or my shrink that i have to visit tomorrow) will find out....last time my folks found out it was "the last time". I did the stupidist thing, at our school we have a bulletin board and on the bulletin board were a tone of pictures, mine was one of them, on monday i come to school, only to have people ask, "what happened to your picture?" and i went to teh bulletin board only to find that my picture was like, drawn all over, it was hideous....(not like i care a lot, it's a stupid picture, but people were makin sucha big deal about it) the only people that have access to it were some girls from my church that hate me, and don't have the balls to say anything to my face... their afraid, because they know what i do, everyone is afraid, i wish everyone wasn't so cautious around me, all because of ME~!!!!!! it's just hard to break a habit, you can't stop...

ps. i'm new so if this doesn't work oh well

Re: snap out of it
Posted by girl on Wed May 16 23:11:09 2001 (#7421)

i know what u mean about the trying to hide 'it' from people who know and the parents thing, my dad keeps freaking out he cant handle what im doing i know that.people will 'come around' to you once they grow up and realize that self harm doesnt stop you being a person!your 'friend' sounds really odd as if she ant accept it but hey thats just my view and what the hell do i know anyways? hope ur ok and feel free to email me anytime take care hon, girl

i'm out of control
Posted by aine on Wed May 16 19:04:52 2001 (#7416)

i'm only realtively new to cutting but i can't stop thinking about doing it again and again, i can't say i get a heap of pleasure out of it but it doesn't really make things much worse, i'm under a lot of stress with work and uni and home and i feel like i've got no one to turn to no one who really cares the only person who really knows me is thousands of miles away and i'm actually more worried about him than me right now i'd really love a hug and a big cuddle and someone to care

Re: i'm out of control
Posted by girl on Wed May 16 23:14:45 2001 (#7422)

hey aine my bro is miles away from me as is my mum and though i cant even begin to think how u feel about it i know how shit i feel and how much ii worry too. i wish i could just reach over and lift the pressure from u or just do something other than type these words but hey this is all i got right now. stay safe :) girl xx

Re: i'm out of control
Posted by Tara on Mon May 21 01:16:13 2001 (#7486)

it feels as if you are a smoker right.thats the way i put it.its as if this little voice gets inside your head and tells you that you need to cut over and over again.i have actually cut myself,in one cutting session,7 times.that may not seem like much,but it freaked the fuck out of me.i can tell you that.my arm looked so bad after that,that i would not go to school.thats how i basicly became a drop out.people do care,it is just that they are shocked and don't know how to react to it at first.then they come around.everyone here cares about you to.we all want to help you in any way that we can.they helped me when i needed it.well,gotta go.if you wanna talk,e-mail me ok.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

unsung zeros
Posted by melissa on Thu May 17 00:19:36 2001 (#7423)

so you thought you had a friend but he lied to you agian about what you meant to him but thats the way it always goes your never happy and it shows so you go out shearching again and every single night you hold on so tight but your looking in the wrong way and when he takes you home you still feel alone cuz you got it from the wrong place you say your happy on your back when your head is full of crack but your lying to yourself so you go down on him again cuz he says he loves you o but then you walk right out as if to prove that every single night you hold on so tight but your looking in the wrong way and when he takes you home you still feel alone cuz you got it in the wrong place so you wonder what you lost so you calculate the cost and seems pretty darn big but the message finally got through and now you know just what to do so here we go again now you search your heart which is a better start then looking int he wrong way now when the lights go out your no longer in doubt cuz you got it fron the right place

its late i cant sleep.....
Posted by girl on Thu May 17 00:19:49 2001 (#7424)

its late but im too scared to go to sleep cos i know if i do the demons will be back again laying in wait ive been dodging them all day ive been hiding in sunlight cuz theyve only found me there a couple of times but i know if i sleep the flash backs will stand to haunt me annd i ll have to wake up sweaty and scared again and theyre angry with me again and i cant stop this it wont go away and im trying soooo hard but still it wont go and i dont know whattts happening to me, im scared someone make them go away. girl

Re: its late i cant sleep.....
Posted by neveah, .......it's dark on Thu May 17 17:49:05 2001 (#7433)

i wish so hard there was something i could do for you, after all actions mean more that words, not true? i can't say i know how you feel b/cuz that would be so hypocrytical of me, (and i hope no one else does either) only you know exactly what's goin on and it's hard for others to understand, but i feel that way all the time, wishing someone would just understand, be carefule who you listen to, people that say tey know what's goin on' usually don't and will trash, you much worse than b4.

neveah ps. just to let u know i am an imsomniac, so i will always be around at night... (i'm scared of things to) darkness is a scary thing

help !! & advice please!!
Posted by necrosis on Thu May 17 02:33:48 2001 (#7426)

Beautiful & dying is OK - just rang her - didn't speak to her personally but despite her absence I think pending exams are keeping her away - for those that love her (those that know her basically!) - she's safe!!

Tried to split up with my girlfriend a week & a half ago - she attempted to hang herself but failed - she's in care now for a couple of months. (self harms also - met on another self harm board 6 months back). Could people please tell me what she's in for/going through so I can help. We may get back together,don't know - regardless - right now she has so many problems & they need to be addressed intensively. What's it like for her in there? Please tell - I'm her main support line outside of it as her parents told her 'we don't want you back, we can't cope with you'. I speak once a day & I still love her & it's killing me seeing her go through this. Any insight is appreciated

sorry - maybe I should post more, guess I feel too old & male & out of touch

take care all

xxxxx

Re: help !! & advice please!!
Posted by anona1 on Thu May 17 10:51:57 2001 (#7431)

well, I would have no idea...

as for the board, yeah I'm not male but I feel old and no one ever talks to me and few answer so I don't post much anymore...I'm sad, but so's everyone else so it just doesn't matter...

this is a stupid answer, it's not an answer...just relating to some of your feelings...sorry I don't know how to help

Re: help !! & advice please!!
Posted by Linda on Sun May 20 05:36:51 2001 (#7470)

Hey girl...I talked to you before and wondered why you don't post anymore. We spent quite a bit of time on here with the personality test.....even if it did irritate Drew(I believe). It was fun and I would answer you again!!!

Re: help !! & advice please!!
Posted by anona1 on Sun May 20 09:54:53 2001 (#7472)

thanks...yeah, you seem very nice...I just sorta gave up on talking to people for a while...I still come sometimes but don't post or read much...probably will come even less soon...graduating and will be going home where I'm not sure if internet will work out b/c my sister's having problems and my mom's trying to figure out how to cancel it...I wasn't supposed to move home really...I just don't have much of a choice now...thanks for noticing me...take care

Re: help !! & advice please!!
Posted by Linda on Tue May 22 05:10:02 2001 (#7515)

It was nice to chat for the short time we did. I sure hope everything works out for you at home. My 22 year old is a bit lost right now until he can find a decent job, so I understand the transition period.

chat anyone?
Posted by necrosis on Thu May 17 02:35:26 2001 (#7427)

if anyone fancies a chat I'm dave_youll@hotmail.com on hotmail IM. Bored & drinking xxxxxxxxxxxlove allxxxxxxxxxx

anybody??
Posted by -lost on Thu May 17 03:29:24 2001 (#7428)

Hey im 16 from new zealand. Im sick and tiresd of people/friends/teachers/parent s expecting so much from me, expecting me to always be happy to always achieve, So i turn to cutting its so good as u all must no. I cut over again in each scar to make no new scars appear only deeper ones. I love pain WHAT IS WITH THAT??? can someone email me or talk to me i am so lost in this internet world Thanks

Re: anybody??
Posted by girl on Thu May 17 18:00:55 2001 (#7434)

im 15 and although i dont know what pressure u were put under i was put under a lot both academically and emotionaly and i know its hard to see a way out when your eyes are blocked but cutting is not the only way and we r here for u my email is alwaays open to u if u need it. i sound like a broken record i suppose sorry if i sound odd i just dont really know what im doing either, love girl

Re: anybody??
Posted by gurl on Fri May 18 00:10:59 2001 (#7443)

i am 15 and i live in the U.S. i know that i don't know exactly what you are going through...but all i know is what you have told me..by what you have told me i think that i understand most of what you are going through. i used to be the most "cheery and upbeat" person and i used to do really good in school...and everybody still expects that from me and i couldn't handle that..so i started cutting. i love pain to....i don't know why, maybe it just shows me that i am alive and that i can and do feel....

i don't know....that wasn't much of a reply, but oh, well...i just had to say that

**gurl**

Re: anybody??
Posted by the REAL lost... on Sat May 19 22:10:56 2001 (#7467)

hey chica... u gotta change that name of urs cuz its mine mine mine. all mine. i've been using "LOST" for a very long time now... and there is also someone named "lost and lonely" but yeah just letting u know so they don't confuse us.

i have a really really weird question
Posted by *me* on Thu May 17 04:06:11 2001 (#7429)

It's a weird question. I fully admit that. But I have to ask it because I think I'm weird. I don't know if it has something to do with anxiety or something. Ok. Here goes. Can anyone else NOT pee in public restrooms?? I can't. It drives me insane sometimes! If I hold my pee for more than an hour, I can't go. Even in like school restrooms. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I have to wait until I get home! Sometimes that's like 9 hours later. Or even if I haven't held it, if I go into the bathroom and see someone else in there, I can't go. If there's someone in the stall when I walk in I'm fine, but if I actually walk in with someone, or see people, then I can't go. IS THIS ABNORMAL?? PLEASE someone tell me it happens to you, too. I think I'm soooooo messed up in so many ways, I can't even pee. Ok. I told you it was weird.

Re: i have a really really weird question
Posted by Linda on Thu May 17 05:19:23 2001 (#7430)

Ohhhhhhhh Myyyyyyyy girl....if that makes a person wierd, I'm as wierd as they come. When I was little we used to travel quite a bit and when my Mom would take me to the bathroom, she would always turn on the water in the sink. That helps. Just want you to know that you are completely normal about that.

Re: i have a really really weird question
Posted by *me* on Thu May 17 21:50:26 2001 (#7440)

OH THANK GOD it happens to other people. It's awful when I'm there and I want to go but I can't. Then I get so angry at myself. Thanks for plying it's good to know I'm not (too) abnormal.

Lots of love

Re: i have a really really weird question
Posted by Nuni on Fri May 18 05:17:45 2001 (#7449)

Totally normal.. In fact I use to do the same. So when I use to get home from school I would run to the bathroom and hope no one else would be in there. We only had one bathroom , you see. I had three brothers and then little me ;) .. Stage fright in the pee pee room totally normal.

when Rabbit howls
Posted by Rabbit on Thu May 17 16:33:24 2001 (#7432)

I am so hurt and angry right now I just want to scream!!! My mother is a sick and twisted soul. She's angry with me right now for a very stupid reason and she's making things very hard for me. She is trying to flex her power be being petty and vindictive and is keeping me away from the people who do care about me. She's driving me crazy. I don't want to deal with things by cutting, but I can't help it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: when Rabbit howls
Posted by girl on Thu May 17 18:07:11 2001 (#7436)

hang on in there honey!!! parents were created to piss us off anyways!!!i dont know whats happenedd or how u must be feeling but c*tting isnt the answer please please stay safe is it really worth it?there are other ways to express your anger sweetie!sorry i didnt know how to say that without sounding patronizing, :) love girl xxx p.s sorry i dont know how that helps if at alll sorry xx

ummm, whatever
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Thu May 17 18:05:28 2001 (#7435)

Ok... I missed a few days and ther's waaaaaaayyyy too maney new post to respond to so... OK, People having trouble with parents/friends/people. baisicly people are stupid jerks and you should forget about them. If you need someone to talk to besida this bord try talking to you're b/f or g/f. If you don't have one, then get one, I don't care how much is going on in your life right now it;s always helpful to have someone you can just curl up to and let the world pass by without you for a day. (great for stress releef) ummm, to the new people.. hey what's up, welcome to the bord hope you keep posting. And finally, people who cant stop cutting, don't worry. people will understand and be ther for you if you need it and no you're not alone... I feel like crying myself because I'm such a failure, I was about three weeks cut freethen last night I screwed it all up :(... shitty, Any-who I'm late, sorry I couldn't be more helpfull, ok gotta go.

Drew.

goodnight, sweetheart... well, it's time to go...
Posted by Doris on Thu May 17 18:19:17 2001 (#7437)

Dear everyone,

Every time someone posted here saying "there is no longer a place for me on this board" I thought they were crazy. But, my time has come.

I think the main reason I must leave you now is that I am trying to move on with my life and I can't do that when I'm constantly reading about SI. It makes me think it's perfectly acceptable and I start to long for it. I'm sorry but I can't have that.

As far as I'm concerned that old me is dead. I thought I could stick around helping people here and start my life over at the same time. But, I can't.

I wish I could explain it better, but that's all I have.

I want you ALL to know that I love you from the bottom of my heart and I will always (until the day I die) be praying for you and I will NEVER forget you.

I wish you all God speed on this difficult journey that is life. I know there is a better life out there for all of you and I will be praying that you find the courage to run to it without doubt and fear.

I want EVERYONE who wants to talk to email me. I'm not just saying that to be nice, I really mean it. I would love to talk on a one-and-one basis.

Sorry for this long email. I hope you all understand and don't feel like I'm ditching you. I'm still here for you, just not on this board. (PLEASE EMAIL ME!!!)

I'm ready to move on and I wish you all happiness and health. Wish me luck on my new life! I love you all!!! :)

Love and strength,

Doris

Re: goodnight, sweetheart... well, it's time to go
Posted by Drew on Thu May 17 19:05:28 2001 (#7438)

Re: goodnight, sweetheart... well, it's time to go
Posted by Jess on Thu May 17 20:10:20 2001 (#7439)

GOOD LUCK DUDE!!!!! have fun,stay safe,never forget what you have,love you Jess

Re: goodnight, sweetheart... well, it's time to go
Posted by girl on Fri May 18 17:42:48 2001 (#7454)

bye bye honey, im sooooo happy 4 u i hope it's everything u prayyed for, everything u need and so much more. theres a life out there 4 ALL of us and im so glad u ve made it makes me think maybe i ll get therre one day too. miss u eventhough i never really got the chance to know u, i hate goodbyes so....remember what u have achieved there is a strenghth inside u that will never be lost. love u, girl xxxxxxxxx

Re: goodnight, sweetheart... well, it's time to go
Posted by *me* on Thu May 17 21:56:58 2001 (#7441)

Doris, I know we only have known each other for a really short time but you have helped me through so much. I love you and wish you the best of luck in everything that you do. Stay strong, I have faith in you. Thank you for being so kind to me.

Lots of love

Re: goodnight, sweetheart... well, it's time to go
Posted by Jue on Thu May 17 23:26:23 2001 (#7442)

tears

Re: goodnight, sweetheart... well, it's time to go
Posted by necrosis on Fri May 18 01:56:45 2001 (#7445)

always sad to see someone leave. Do understand your reasons though. Makes a lot of sense. Hope the future is what you dream ofxxxxxxxxxxx

love & love

xxxxx

Re: goodnight, sweetheart... well, it's time to go
Posted by º²§håñÑä²º on Fri May 18 02:42:51 2001 (#7446)

aww doris!! you will be greatly missed, i do belive, but i'm am happy for you, being bale to try and fix everythign and start a new life, i wish you will!! YOU WILL BE MISSED!! love you!! take care ~shanna

I'M BACK
Posted by simon on Fri May 18 02:57:26 2001 (#7447)

Hello to everyone!!! The computer is now working, so hopefully i'll have some people to talk to again. Not much has happened in my 2 month absense, some burning, well, alot actually, a really dramatic stabbing scenario, so good it was, I did it twice..., and that's about it really. So how is everyone here, what's been going on, let me know! I'll be back on here tomorrow night, will write some more then, but have loads of emails to write, mainly from you lot-thanks!

Re: I'M BACK
Posted by elle on Fri May 18 05:14:35 2001 (#7448)

hey simon, nice to c ya.

Re: I'M BACK
Posted by Franny on Fri May 18 15:22:20 2001 (#7451)

Were you the simon who wrote his name SImon? hope you're doing okay, hows your band going? played any gigs?. If your not sorry I often get really confused

err...no
Posted by SImon on Tue May 22 01:46:58 2001 (#7512)

OK here is the drill. although i dont usually get the chance to write here anymore i still have a read every now and again but im a different Simon. If it makes things simpler i may strt just putting SI down. be well. SI

Hi Nuni
Posted by Franny on Fri May 18 15:19:24 2001 (#7450)

Hi nuni I didn't realise you post on psyke. God it feels like I haven't been here in years probably only a few months but still time is a strange thing. Well I haven't really got anything important to say but hi Lost and black rose and Nikki.

Re: Hi Nuni
Posted by Nuni on Fri May 18 17:31:09 2001 (#7453)

Hi Sweetie, I come by every now and then... try to help. Love you!!! Nuni

time
Posted by Rabbit on Fri May 18 16:20:47 2001 (#7452)

I have a kind of weird question. Does anyone have trouble with losing time? Ok, here's what I mean. I have noticed that I just like zone out or something so that I have no idea what's going on around me, and I wake up or snap out of it or whatever and a lot of time has passed that I can't account for. Am I totally crazy, or do other people have that happen to them too? I really hope I am not crazy, but I am afraid that I am. Help?

Re: time
Posted by girl on Fri May 18 17:48:56 2001 (#7455)

OMG!!!!!i do the same thing when i flash back i thought i was the only one...a nutty girl!!!there is no way u are crazy cos if u r then i am too....ummmmm!i dont know how to help i cant even help myself yet, sorry that doesnt make any sense or help at allbut im here love girl xxxxx

Re: time
Posted by elle on Fri May 18 21:55:17 2001 (#7457)

i totally have time problems, i have no control when my alters take over and i never remember what happens when the others are in control of our body. ok, bye.

elle
Posted by Rabbit on Sat May 19 04:45:08 2001 (#7461)

Alters? What do you mean? Like multiple personalities? What do you do when you realize time has passed and you don't know what has heppened?

Re: elle
Posted by elle on Mon May 21 03:18:44 2001 (#7488)

i always hid that i am a we. not anymore. i pretended i was just me. but i am not. a lot of time i find notes written to me by the others or i leave notes for them...when i realize time has passed and i dont remeber i just pretend i do remember. theres not much i can do about it...if something important has happened they will show me. its like watching TV in my head. i see myself and i see what has occured and i know it is my memory but i have no recollection of it. it just feels normal to me. hard to explain.

Re: elle
Posted by Rabbit on Tue May 22 00:33:11 2001 (#7507)

Oh my God! That's what happens to me. I find notes that aren't in my writing, but in places that no one has access. I get flashes of memory of myself that aren't really memory because it's all new to me. People tell me I do things that I don't remember doing. Could I be a we too, or are there a lot of other explainations?

I FINALLY REPLIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by elle on Sat May 26 06:33:27 2001 (#7592)

do the notes tell you things that have happened to your body that you should know and remember but dont? and things that you need to do? i hate those. well, some of me hate them. the littles and middles like them becuase they have no clue whats going on when they are out. do you ever hear voices? like people fighting and stuff and you turn around becuase you think they are in back of you and then there is noone there? that is how it all really started for me. i never conciously knew i had alters but then the loss of time and all the voices and stuff....and sometimes i get memories that arent mine.....like watching TV in my head. and i have clothes that i must have bought but have no recollection because they are really ugly and not my style and i wake up with literally hundreds of cuts i dont remember making. i still and exploring who all is in me. i dont know everyone yet. i think there are about 6. i have started to make sense of the voices and decipher who is who. there is a 6-year-old named "Swanie" who like to color A LOT (recently she has made mass nubers of drwings becuase we have been home alone and thats when she is allowed out) she gives me co-concious some of the time which is wierd like watching a movie becuase i have no control over action or thought but i can see what is happening. then there is Mirabelle, a preteen unsure about her age. ok, i will stop sorry. getting way to long. if you wanna know more or talk or anything you can mail me at Cutter_Elle@hotmail.com or IM me at AIM as Cutter Elle

Re: time
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sat May 19 06:05:50 2001 (#7462)

Silly girl. You're not crazy, you just have tempril disorders.

Drew :)

Re: time
Posted by lindsey on Sat Jun 16 21:31:38 2001 (#8005)

HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME SWEETIE!

hello
Posted by bob on Sat May 19 01:20:04 2001 (#7458)

I'm sure you all must get a lot of posts like this and I'm srry but here is me....:

I'm really cold and quite tired but I'm too tired to fall asleep. My head is hurting like hell. I think I like lonliness as it allows me to become completely self centered and unfocused depnending on your mood. I wonder around the place in a non commital and unstructured way.

NOISE, I HEAR NOISES EVERYWHERE

I fall aasleep and all I can hear are noises. people voices people I know they... I want to just dissolve completely just cease completely passive and alone, no longer connected to anything because connection ends up in rejection you die when you connect - you comprimise to the extent that you begin to regard your thoughts and opinions as silly and innappropriate. Why can't you just get on with your life. All these people who just live and there's this desperation in you that grows daily and all these people are just ordinary people who are fucked up/normal whatever but they just do it - they pay bills and 'get on' with things. But I just feel empty and alone. I can't describe the feeling but its in the pit of your stomach like an ache. I want to cry sometimes at my own useless pathetic inability to grow up.

I buy things to make me happy but all I want to do is smash my fucking head through a fucking window, to paint my blood on the walls, to destroy myself completely.

why why why? self obsessed loser stuck like a record in a time warp tired and alone desperate for attention and too afriad to shout, inferior and wanting to belong want to feel alive.

I SEE THE STARS AND TREES AND HOUSES PEOPLE AND I AM ALONE. I WATCH MASSACRES ON THE NEWS AND CUT MYSELF IN THE DELUDED PRETENCE THAT I AM SUFFERING

. I'm just tired, my head is in a vice with some fucked up God perversly squeezing and releasing the strain. I'm shaking...paracetamol + coffee leave an empty buzz in my head and body, my hands shake uncontrollably, can't sleep/ can't eat. Sat in my room eyes shaking in my head, can't focus on the writing it just scrambles.

Re: hello
Posted by Tara on Sat May 19 03:15:17 2001 (#7460)

hi my name is tara.if you have read my other posts then you know that i say alot that i know what that person is going through.well it is because i do.i have been a self mutilator for almost 4 years now.also a manic depressant.i not bipolor or anything,just very ,very depressed.i have been to hell and back so many times that everyone knows me by first and last name.i know its hard right now.if you don't mind me asking,how many years or months or whatever have you been cutting?????if you don't want to anwser,that is ok,i understand.i will help you as much as i can.i promise you that.do your parents know?sorry if i am being to pushy.i will stop if you want.you know the first time i cut myself i totaly freak out.i could not believe that i had the guts to actually do something like that.but after awhile it became like a ciggarette.i had to have it or i thought i was going to die.i have a total of 87 cuts and burns,yes i forgot to menton that i burn to,on my body and every day i wake up and i have to see those scars on my arms and remember those painful memeres that hurt me so much that i had to cut myself.i remember when i would cut i would get this sensation all though my body and then i'd look down at my arm and see the blood seeping out of my cut and to me that meant that all of my pain was leaving with the blood.after awhile i needed it more and more.at first when i wolud cut,i would only make one cut at a time,but it got to where i had to cut myself as many as 6 to 7 times before i would feel satisfied enough to stop and put the knife down.the best advice that i can give you is to never give up on yourself.you can beat it.it just takes time.i know that you don't want to hear that,but i found that out the hard way.i am just getting back on my feet after almost 4 years of battling this damn thing.trust me though it will get better,if you want it to. you have to want it to get better though.you do have to do work at it.you can't just sit on your ass.not to be mean because i am not trying to be.well i have got to go.if you feel like you need to talk to someone,i am here for you OK.you e-mail me if you want to.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: hello
Posted by girl on Sun May 20 16:34:46 2001 (#7477)

hey there i connect with people here when i can identify with how they feel and i do with you the whole feeling alone without sleep if youve ever seen any of my posts then you ll know about my patheticness, look im really sorry that im unable to help right now but i wish i could just explain how it is. ive been a self harmer for 4 years off and on now. please just stay safe and i hope you ll be ok. email me if you want to love girl.

i just need his love...
Posted by melissa on Sat May 19 07:55:24 2001 (#7463)

When I look into your eyes I can see a love restrained But darlin' when I hold you Don't you know I feel the same 'Cause nothin' lasts forever And we both know hearts can change And it's hard to hold a candle In the cold November rain We've been through this such a long long time Just tryin' to kill the pain But lovers always come and lovers always go An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today Walking away If we could take the time to lay it on the line I could rest my head Just knowin' that you were mine All mine So if you want to love me then darlin' don't refrain Or I'll just end up walkin' In the cold November rain Do you need some time...on your own Do you need some time...all alone Everybody needs some time... on their own Don't you know you need some time...all alone I know it's hard to keep an open heart When even friends seem out to harm you But if you could heal a broken heart Wouldn't time be out to charm you Sometimes I need some time...on my own Sometimes I need some time...all alone Everybody needs some time... on their own Don't you know you need some time...all alone And when your fears subside And shadows still remain I know that you can love me When there's no one left to blame So never mind the darkness We still can find a way 'Cause nothin' lasts forever Even cold November rain Don't ya think that you need somebody Don't ya think that you need someone Everybody needs somebody You're not the only one You're not the only one

Sorry, but I need to say this.
Posted by ChrisE on Sat May 19 14:55:31 2001 (#7464)

In the end, I deleted eveything i just wrote. I don't actually think it's fair to inflict this on other people to that extent.

I just scared myself last nite. I thought I was going to do something stupid. In the end it was ok, I did the ritual cutting stuff and it was cool, just like it's always been. But a half hour before that, I couldn't think of a reason not to do it properly. That doesn't mean I wanted to do it, but it just didn't seem to matter that much either way. it's escalating. I'm worried that it might happen soon.

I was talking to a friend once, about depression. Not me, only implicitly perhaps. She actually believes that people should "pull themselves together". That really helps. So not only do I hate myself, but I should hate myself for doing so.

There's just no fucking point at all. I wonder if i should post this watered-down version even. I'm sorry. I don't want to drag anyone down, I really don't. Talk to me.

Re: Sorry, but I need to say this.
Posted by insignificant other on Sat May 19 21:08:24 2001 (#7465)

hey don't ever think twice about posting anything here. we're all here for each other, and if you wanna say something, you should say it!

i'm not exactly sure what to say in reply to that, i'm not really good at all this, but hey, who gives a fuck?

i hardly talk to anyone about depression (except my friends who are in the same place as me). it pisses me off when people just make sarcastic comments about it, as if its not really there, and people are just doing it for attention. so yeah, i dunno what to do either.

just keep remembering that you can get through anything. and keep posting. i don't mind talking about depression aswell, most people here tal about cutting, but there are so many different things in life.

okay, please post again! you can ignore everything i wrote if it helps.

keep strong

insignificant other

Re: Sorry, but I need to say this.
Posted by *me* on Sat May 19 21:15:32 2001 (#7466)

HEY that's how my mom thinks, about depression and attention and stuff. Just thought I'd put that up here for some reason. We went out to dinner once with one of her friends and they were talking about this person they know, and how he's "weird" because he's manic depressive, and how he'll hurt others, blah blah blah. I sat there, like, in shock. That's sooo prejudice. Ok. Well another reason I don't tell my mom. Hey maybe that has something to do with why she ignored the fact that I cut when she saw them. Hmmm.

Lots of love.

Re: Sorry, but I need to say this.
Posted by ChrisE on Sun May 20 16:19:54 2001 (#7476)

My parents ignored too. But that was a long time ago, they've probably forgotten it ever happened. Now I just wear long sleeves when i visit.

Re: Sorry, but I need to say this.
Posted by Rabbit on Sun May 20 05:41:57 2001 (#7471)

You don't have to "pull tourself together". That's a selfish point of view offered by someone who obviously is in denial about the realities of life. How you feel is fact and it is significant. Depression is the lonliest fucking thing in the world and it takes time to heal from, so keep posting.

Re: Sorry, but I need to say this.
Posted by anona1 on Sun May 20 10:02:47 2001 (#7473)

it's okay...I get that way sometimes...my family and friends don't know I do anything but my friends knew I did in the past...they don't know I still do things...recently I've been telling my mom she makes me want to die...when she talks to me I feel like putting my head through walls and windows or digging a knife in deep...I didn't get graphic on her and she says I'm being overly dramatic...she should know me better...I hate drama...she's the drama lover...of course I don't want to scare here so I said I wasn't answering anymore questions...she asked what I wouldn't tell her and then told me I'm not suicidal...

anyway, I don't think you need to worry about being overly graphic on this board...and I know what it's like to feel that no one wants to hear what you have to say...anyway, take care...good luck

Re: Sorry, but I need to say this.
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sun May 20 19:38:28 2001 (#7480)

HA! if you needed to worry about being overly grapkic on this bord, you obviously didn't reed my rib story. Any-who everything that could be or needed to be said has already been said. so I'll just take my leave now. laters.

Drew :)

memememememem
Posted by LOST on Sat May 19 22:13:16 2001 (#7468)

hey someone used the name lost... and it wasn't me... just to let u guys know so u don't get confused. i hope u guys are all doing ok... i read all the posts, but i kinda keep quiet now. anyways get at me if u need to talk or something.

believe
Posted by melissa on Sun May 20 02:38:48 2001 (#7469)

i dont believe. some of you know that i think. i dont believe in anything any higher being or power or whatever. but i remember one time i did, i never thought of this before. before my grandfather died i remember i prayed. i guess i have reason not to believe just like most people have reason to believe. i dont know why im talking about this. i wish that wishes did come true. i dont prayi wish you know? i wish things, things that i know are impossible. i wish he would come home. i want him back i want my boyfriend back. i want my life back. i just want him to come home.

Re: believe
Posted by Jess on Sun May 20 13:14:47 2001 (#7474)

I wish alot.Your wanting your boyf back.To make everything good again.To feel wanted.To feel loved.To be thought of in that undescribable way.To lean on.To get what you think is your life (i'm trying not to make this sound horrible.it's all going wrong.but i hope you know what i mean) Without him you can find a life on your own.A life that shows you in full glory.Shows that you can do it without that extra person.You CAN shine on your own.You are loved by many.We love you.If you feel yourself slip call a friend.Talk about it.Then after have a laugh. You are strong when you put your mind to it.Occupy your time.Read a good book.Watch a funny film.Make up funny stories out of simple everyday things.Smile. You have a life.Nobodies taken it from you.Its still there.Just not so visible for you.Go for a completely pointless walk and think of other things that are completely pointless to do.Soon they will have a point.Then things may become clearer. (argh i talk way too much) love you Jess

Re: believe
Posted by melissa on Mon May 21 02:24:31 2001 (#7487)

we are still together. he monved away. i miss him. thats all. there has been a break up or anything wrong between us. he just lives so far away.

feelin' better
Posted by ChrisE on Sun May 20 16:11:42 2001 (#7475)

Much better. Another grey week ahead.

Re: feelin' better
Posted by Tara on Mon May 21 01:05:58 2001 (#7485)

hey girl,

i am glad that you are feelin better.just hang in there ok.i am here if you need me.don't forget that.you will have some gray weeks ahead i am sorry to say,but like i said,just hang in there.gotta go for now.write me an e-mail if you need to talk.i am always here.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: feelin' better
Posted by ChrisE on Mon May 21 14:21:50 2001 (#7493)

Thanks. It good to know there's someone out there.

but I'm a guy, by the way. Just so's you know...

chris

Re: feelin' better
Posted by Tara on Tue May 22 00:37:53 2001 (#7508)

hey chris,

sorry about that.i am not that used to guys getting on this board.but do feel free to e-mail me anytime you want to,even if you just want to say hi.i do care about you and want everything to work out in the best way for you.well gotta jet for now.e-mail me if you have time.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

so tired up down yoyoyoyo
Posted by girl on Sun May 20 16:54:57 2001 (#7478)

i ve had a great weekend so why do i feel so shit?i did all the things i promissed i would do and now i just feel tired and paranoid like when i go into school something bad will happen and that my tutor will be angry about the prank call even though she knew it would happen. and it was my surrogate mothers birthday (thats just my name for her shes not really that!)and im still fucked up this clock is ticking like an itch on my brain just stop it!just stop time and space let me lay in arms forever so i never have to think i can just sleep and die.i cant concentrate im alone and i need a hug i need my people near me so i can smell that perffume and feel safe and secure again. its all so wobbly and i need i need i nedd i never stop im so self centred so demanding and clingy i hate this so i must hate myself and my patheticness hiding below scarred flesh so stupid little me. please forgive me plese make it all ok. please. please. im so so so sorry. girl

theres only one place.....
Posted by girl on Sun May 20 17:36:10 2001 (#7479)

theres only one place i want to be and its not a sun kissed beach or a party or anywhere like that. i just want to be in a room with my "support peeps" the peole i need and i just want to be in that security i feel so iscolated like im the only one left i cant get hold of my mum and i need to talk to someone i trust not one of the professionals but somene who actually cares. oh fuck it i sound so pathetic. back to catatonia "when faced with my demons i clothe them and feed them and i smile yes i smile as they're taking me over" im not this person typing im further down in these onion layers of mind cacooned in my self until ive stopped crying. i will emerge and pretend and eat and drink and sleep and make beleive i dont feel anymore. girl.

Re: theres only one place.....
Posted by *me* on Sun May 20 22:33:12 2001 (#7482)

I wish there was something I could say. I don't really know what to tell you except that we're all here for you and we love you and to stay strong. Post whenever and whatever you need to.

Lots of love

Re: theres only one place.....
Posted by nick on Sat May 26 19:25:14 2001 (#7599)

i feel the same way you know isolated.i can't talk to my parents becuz they get freaked and bring to the doctor everytime.but just remember if you ever need a person to talk to i'm ready and willing.i wiSH i could be there in person so i could give you a hug but i'm hear to talk if you want to.:) Love Always and Forever, Nick DxIxRxTx@aol.com

The lys report... brought to you by Drew.
Posted by Drew on Sun May 20 19:56:09 2001 (#7481)

Hey peeps!!! well Any-who, as most of you know Lys you also know she doesn't post here anymore (well, hardly ever) but I'm here to bring you the inside scoop :) lol, I'm an idiot

Any-who2 here's the dill'o. lys is doing great. Probably, from what I can tell, doing the best ever. The groop home thingy seams to be working out fine, OH and me and lys are back togeather again :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

One less reason for me to cut, and I really hope she feels the same way too. I hope we can help eachother with our probs. but if not, I know you guys/girls are here to help and support. wish us well and laters Well. that a-boot sums it oop. [p.s. I'm a hyper idiot :)]

Drew

Re: The lys report... brought to you by Drew.
Posted by *me* on Sun May 20 22:35:12 2001 (#7483)

I'm glad she's doing better. Tell her we all wish her well. And congrats on you two hooking up again.

Lots of love

Re: The lys report... brought to you by Drew.
Posted by elle on Mon May 21 03:24:12 2001 (#7489)

oh Drew i am sooo glad to hear that! really. i hope being with her makes your ribs feel better...:) i am glad she is doing great...a fresh start in a new place is always great

some inspiration
Posted by secret angel on Sun May 20 22:35:42 2001 (#7484)

Even on a day like this when your crawling on the floor Reaching for the phone to ring anyone who knows you anymore Its allright to make mistakes your only human Inside everybodis hiding something Staring at the same four walls have you tried to help yourself the rings around your eyes they dont hide that you need to get some rest its all right to make mistakes your only human inside everybodyes hiding something Take time to catch your breath and choose your moment dont slide

Even at a time like this when morning seems so far Think that pain belongs to you but its hppened to us all It's allright to make mistakes your only human Inside everybodys hiding something Take time to catch your breath and choose your moment dont slide

You brought this on yourself and its high time you left it there Lie here and rest your head and dream of somethign else instead dont slide

Re: some inspiration
Posted by girl on Mon May 21 23:11:36 2001 (#7499)

thank you :) xxxxxxxxx

Re: some inspiration
Posted by Jess on Tue May 22 00:27:52 2001 (#7506)

Dido.Quality.Thanks.I'll listen again

my gripes
Posted by elle on Mon May 21 03:35:31 2001 (#7490)

i got two i just need to get out cause they make me want to scream.

1. my friend (well not really my friend, just this annoying girl who thinks she is my friend) went on this annoying spurt thursday where she was telling everyone that she thought she was REALLY depressed becuase she had a lot of work that day and nobody could understand how she felt because she just felt so down. the next day she was fine. she really truly believed she was depressed in its denotative sense becuase she had one stressful day. that just makes me so mad. she has no idea what it is like to be consumed with death and blood and pain...

2. then this teacher/shrink lady at my school called my mom and me to tell us that i looked in good spirits on prom day and that she was glad to see me looking happy for a change. it made me so mad becuase i feel even more depressed when i act like that and nobody can see how much i hurt. i hate that people think i am better.

aarrgggg

Re: my gripes
Posted by *me* on Mon May 21 22:34:20 2001 (#7495)

I know what you mean. My friends have somehow wound up with this inside joke sort of thing about cutting. They joke around about it aaaalll the time. Have you ever seen 28 days, when that one girl cuts her thigh? Well I was watching it with them and they all were laughing going, "oooooh she's a cutter!" I wanted to just show them all my cuts then and there and see if they thought it was still funny.

And about acting happy, that's all I do and it makes me feel even crappier. When all I want to do is cry and I have to act cheerful I want to cut even worse.

Ok pointless post just wanted to share.

Lots of love

Re: my gripes
Posted by girl on Mon May 21 23:15:17 2001 (#7500)

just another post where i say i know how you feel but i do. i do. the whole acting happy and pretending its all alright just drives me back to my private place with blades....nuff about me i hope your doing ok and rememmber we r here 4 u 2 off load onto!!!!:) love girl xxxxxxxx

Re: my gripes
Posted by gurl on Tue May 22 00:17:28 2001 (#7504)

yeah....i know what both of you people mean...i hate it....people think that it is funny or that they understand...but we all know that they don't and they never will

Re: my gripes
Posted by Rabbit on Tue May 22 00:40:14 2001 (#7509)

I know, I hate having to pretend things are OK just so I don't end up dissapointing people. I have people who always try to point out my good days as proof that I'm finally better, but they don't understand at all. Just because I can quietly sip my tea without screaming or crying doesn't mean that I'm no longer depressed, it only means that for that moment I can quietly sip my tea. Anyway, I'm starting to babble so ummm, ya, I know how you feel.

i had more to say but this is all that came out...
Posted by melissa on Mon May 21 07:02:06 2001 (#7491)

i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to diiiiieeee now now now now now now now

Re: i had more to say but this is all that came ou
Posted by black rose on Mon May 21 22:36:37 2001 (#7496)

Melissa hun please calm down...don't do anything u'll regret! if u need someone to talk to I'm here for u! my sn is twistedpsycho13@Aol.com please IM me or e-mail me if u wanna talk! Christine

Re: i had more to say but this is all that came ou
Posted by *me* on Mon May 21 22:40:24 2001 (#7497)

Ok this was weird, bc I came online to post like, that exact same thing. I wanted someone to give me 5 GOOD reasons why I shouldn't cut tonight. I'm still going to do it though. I'm waiting for my shower, the thought of the razor makes me feel better. Ok but I'm just gonna cut, not kill myself so no one worry. Melissa I can't really help you just stay strong and know I care.

Lots of love

Re: i had more to say but this is all that came ou
Posted by girl on Mon May 21 23:18:31 2001 (#7501)

please pause for a second just to breathe and calm down, we r here 4 u and theres sooooo much more out there 4 u, GOOD things worth sticking around 4!!!!! we love u please honey, stay safe love girl xxxxxxx

Re: i had more to say but this is all that came ou
Posted by Rabbit on Tue May 22 00:41:42 2001 (#7510)

I am so sorry that you hurt so much.

Re: i had more to say but this is all that came ou
Posted by Tara on Tue May 22 00:53:34 2001 (#7511)

PLEASE lisen to me.you can't do this.we all love you,just like Girl said.we don't want you to go anywhere.Please read my other postes and then e-mail me if you want to.believe me girl i know where you are coming from and know what you are feeling and a lot of the other people on this board do to.you can trust any one of us.Please don't end it this way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

just stuff
Posted by anona1 on Mon May 21 10:23:42 2001 (#7492)

I'm graduating college on Thur...not happy about it though b/c I have nothing to look forward to now that I'm done...unfortunately I'm moving home and other than that either need to get a job or take more useful courses...I'll probably have to get a job...I hate jobs b/c they're so monotonous...

my one friend who was planning to come to graduation, her sister fell down stairs and broke her heel so she can't come...my mom and aunt are coming...I don't feel accomplished at all though b/c they all want me to get a job and know exactly what I'm doing and I don't...every time I talk to anyone in my family they drive me crazy about what I'm doing in my life...any time someone else obsessively wants something from me, I go in the opposite direction...they make me want to do nothing...I feel unqualified and less useful than anyone else...I'm just not good enough for anyone else...my mom tells me that people have to get to know me in order to like me b/c based on description they wouldn't want me...

sorry I'm writing all this crap...I just have no one to talk to...just this stupid board, not to offend you guys but it's rare that someone replies to my messages...it's alright, I'm a nobody who's not good enough anyway...at least I exist with these words...I don't know if I want to exist...I don't know anything...I feel so constricted...I have nobody...sorry guys, this probably sounds stupid...

Re: just stuff
Posted by ChrisE on Mon May 21 17:51:14 2001 (#7494)

I graduated from uni last year: It's supposed to be really great, like you've achieved something special etc, but for me meant nothing. I already had a job (well, PhD, same diff) sorted but still it freaked me out. So I (think) I kinda know where you're coming from. It's worse when you think you should be happy about something, supposedly what you've been working towards for x years and then it's an anticlimax. But it doesn't make you a bad person (sorry that sounds really patronising, can't find any better words).

I can't tell you what to do now, but my advice is to try and work out what you really want to do. Doesn't matter if other people don't approve, you have to live for yourself.

I hope that's helped in some small way... if you ever wanna talk...

chris

Re: just stuff
Posted by anona1 on Tue May 22 12:28:33 2001 (#7517)

it's going to take a bit longer to do what I want to do...I just don't know what I'm doing until then...and the thing I hate most is that I have to move home, which is bad, until I figure out what I'm doing...I've lived at school for nine years...started in high school...anyway, thanks...I don't know if I'll be around again...take care

Re: just stuff
Posted by *me* on Mon May 21 22:43:25 2001 (#7498)

You are NOT a nobody and I CARE!!!!!! I'm sorry if I don't reply all the time, I don't always know what to say.

Congrats on graduating. Good luck.

Lots of love

Re: just stuff
Posted by girl on Mon May 21 23:22:21 2001 (#7502)

hun u r so much more than words and i care 4u i know it sounds stupid but no one is worthless we r all pecial u r special. congrats on ur grad i hope it all works out ok, wish there was more i could say. love girl xxxxxxxxx

Re: just stuff
Posted by anona1 on Tue May 22 12:29:47 2001 (#7518)

thanks...take care...

i could maybe i should...
Posted by girl on Mon May 21 23:32:16 2001 (#7503)

its there so tempting silver and glinting all mine in this; my selfish sin and i sit and stand apologize and accept the reprimand i learnt something today they showed me why it rains and how to make it go away so red so red so sorry shes dead so red so red dressed in black at dawn she doesnt sleep she will never sleep as demons so silently to her door creep only one way to make them go away thats all i know its all i learnt that day

sorry i know its kinda dumb im kinda dumb its howi feel if it even makes any sense to anyone.i must be a sick person, SH is my punishment and my reward. what is there now? there is no more time tick tock tick tock....now stop. sorry sorry please someone forgive me for this the most shameful.girl.

Re: i could maybe i should...
Posted by beautifulanddying on Tue May 22 00:20:44 2001 (#7505)

i love your writing honey...it's really good, do you have any more kicking around? don't give up fighting, you're worth it. love and sparkles and email me if i can help in any way hels xxxxxxxx