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Threads 2051 to 2100

Tara
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jun 30 04:18:04 2001 (#8279)

Hey guys, Tara and her boyfriend did break up. I thought they had just slowed things down, but today she told me different. Keep talking to her guys. She had a razor today while her dad and I were gone, but she stopped herself. When we got home, she gave me the razor and told me what had happened. Just hearing from all of you has made her feel a little better. So, thanks everyone. Love ya all, Rhonda

Re: Tara
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 30 14:19:00 2001 (#8290)

Hi Tara , oh I'm so sorry sweetie. I have had some serious break ups in my life. They hurt, bad. But you gotta keep in mind if it's over with him that just means you weren't meant for each other and theres someone out there way better just for , just for you. Searching for just you, to be with, and to love. Tara you and your mom have helped me probably much more then you know, by posting here and talking about things openly, it has prevented me from tearing up my body. I appluad you on stopping yourself, that is only something a person with a strong will and a big heart would do, however you know if you do give in to the temptation of cutting, we'll love you either way.

-Hugs and hope to you, and everyone.-

i dont know
Posted by jen on Sat Jun 30 06:58:06 2001 (#8286)

i dont know what i am gonna do . have any of you ever felt just, aaahhhh i dont know exactly know how to put it. just so sad. like its so deep it almost hurts to breath. i havent cut in 2 weeks and 3 days and it has been hard, but today the feeling is just so overwhelming, i dont know what else to do. i feel like im sufficating. what do i do i feel so alone and ....scared. some one please help

Re: i dont know
Posted by lindsey on Sat Jun 30 07:11:19 2001 (#8288)

well no cutting is good, maybe that why ur feeling so lost and and stuff b/c ur not cutting and getting it out jsut not cutting is no good u have to still let out ur stuff just keeping it in will make it worse let it out but not on ur body-stay safe!love ya!

Re: i dont know
Posted by overcoming-1 on Sat Jun 30 08:59:49 2001 (#8289)

I want to tell you that Lindsey is right and that no cutting is good. But I've been to the place where the urge was sooooooo strong and the more I tried not to cut the worse it got then when I really did cut it was deep and wide and I had to go to the ER. The objective here on the message board is to encourage not cutting. So I will tell you that too.

Self injury is a bad thing, but there are worse things. I am a cutter. I tell people that if they ask about the scars on my arms. I'm a cutter. That is how I deal with deep seated feelings. But I am also a writer. I write my feelings out. I tell the paper or God what I am feeling and what I want to do about it. Sometimes starting is awkward and slow, and then the words just pour out and then I don't need to cut after all.

The best advice I can give is to write or call a hot line or a therapist. You need to get to the core issue that is the problem. I do not believe cutting is the problem. It is only a channel of release of feelings brought on my other problems. Once you deal with the problems the urge to cut will not be such an issue anymore....Love you Dawn

Jen!!-sadness!!
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 30 14:28:40 2001 (#8291)

I know almost exactly what you are describing. About the middle of April I had this feeling up until the end of May. The things going on in my life were un bearable to me, break ups, death, betrayal, hurt, anguish,uggggh!!! I was so utterly and deeply saddend. I mean I know theres nno words I can use to describe my feeling. It was far beyond any words.But it hurt so bad, I litterly felt it in my stomach the pain, I felt it physically, my body was soo weak i couldnt get out of bed to eat or use the bathroom, I had to force the words out and force the smiles out. my throat had a huge lump of saddness in it every time I spoke or thought about it, and that was almot 24 hours a day. It hurts so bad, I'm gonna cry just thinking about it. =..( But one thing I learned is , it gets soo much better!! it takes alot of time, but it does. Everyone kept telling me that, but of course I disagreed with them .." oh Im hopeless, im so sad *tear* it will never get better, EVER!" . I was sad. Anyways back to you..=) It gets so much better sweetie, take my word for it. Don't cut, it doesnt solve anything, but if you feel that you just have to give in, and you do cut, dont feel bad, we all have been there and no one here will yell at you for it. all our love and support is here for anyone who will take it in. You need to keep your mind busy, and when you need to cry, cry and when you need to yell, go ahead and do it. Get some clay and beat it. =)

-Hugs and hope to you, and everyone-

you can e-mail me if you'd like. =)

Re: Jen!!-sadness!!
Posted by jen on Sat Jun 30 19:09:02 2001 (#8292)

thank you everyone for writing back it makes me feel not so alone. i really aprecciate it its nice to have support luv jen

just a pointless something
Posted by Jess on Sat Jun 30 21:03:03 2001 (#8293)

i just heared this song and its got so much feeling to it.its by stained feat fred durst-outside.i like it alot compared to the other stuff i listen to.heres some lyrics from it- im on the outside im lookin in i can see through you see your true colours cos inside your ugly,ugly like me but i can see through you see to the real you all the times that ive cried all this wasted its all inside and i feel, all this pain stuffed it down,its back again and i lie ,here in bed all alone, i can mend and i feel,tomorrow will be ok .............................. ..

Re: just a pointless something
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 30 22:19:38 2001 (#8296)

I love that song, I listen to alot of stainds music and some other stuff. I might be going to ozzfest if anyone knows what that is. =)

the futur
Posted by lindsey on Sat Jun 30 21:41:05 2001 (#8294)

im really scared i went to my therpy session for this week and she tolled me that im getting a eating disorder but im not i mean i can contro my body rite? wheen i want to stop i can stop loseign weight rite? she cant predicte teh futuer

Re: the futur
Posted by Jess on Sat Jun 30 21:53:37 2001 (#8295)

you can do what you want.Aslong as you eat healthy enough its ok.you control,not her

Re: the futur
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 30 22:21:42 2001 (#8298)

If other people are noticing it, especially a therapist you might not wanna blow it off as some little thing. Of course utlimatly you have the choice, but sometimes our minds mix us up and we think we can do things that we really can't. Hang in there sweetie. =)

-love-

Re: the futur
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 1 04:25:58 2001 (#8302)

Ahhh Lindsey dear, you are the one in control your thearapist isn't trying to the take that away from you. My guess is she is noticing some weight-loss or maybe you've talked with her about how you eat or don't eat and she is conserned because she knows how our minds can tell us we can stop anytime, but the nature of eating disorders is that they toy with your mind and make you think nothing is wrong when something really is.

There have been times in my recovery when I had to trust my doctors and therapists when they could see how unsafe I was too myself. And they were right and I am alive today to tell you that I care about you and cutting is bad enough with out adding an eating disorder, because eating disorders are life threatening.

You tell me to stay safe. Please take your own advise I love you. Dawn

Children
Posted by jue on Sat Jun 30 22:41:24 2001 (#8299)

DOes anyone else feel this strange connection to children??? Sometimes i see kids and i feel like they are me and they know everything about me. This young girl today was looking at my scars and gave me the most beautiful smile when i saw her looking. it just seemed to say," I understand. Don't be afraid." This may sound bizarre but i feel such strong inspiration from them. I think maybe it is b/c they don't try to hide their feelings. They seem so pure to me. One thing i have found that helps me realize that when i was abused it was not my fault is this: i ask kids how old they are and then ask myself if it would be their fault if they were abused. The answer is always "NO" and it helps me to understand that i was in fact violated. anyhow i have gone a week w/out cutting. YEAH. i came so close to last night but resisted and my purpose is back today to stop.Take Care Everyone. THanks for the SUpport. love julie

Re: Children
Posted by jen on Sat Jun 30 23:27:46 2001 (#8300)

i have never actually thought about it before, but ya i do. just the look in there eyes is so loving wether you know them or not. eyes are a big thing with me no matter what age, its almost like they are the gate to your soul. children will hold my gaze for so long, i babysit these 2 little kids and im good friends with their mom, but i love those kids like they were mine, and i love that they love me back no matter what take care jen

Re: Children
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jul 1 04:48:44 2001 (#8303)

Jue: I took a nap one day and woke up and I could see in my mind a baby with brilliant blue eyes. I could feel the softness on the skin, the sweet smell of baby lotion. I kept opening and shutting my eyes trying to just the vison off, but the eyes kept drawing me to them. Then, suddenly I felt hands on my adult body and knew what was happening to the baby, and the brilliance turned dull. And I realized I was the baby and I was reliving somthing that shattered my world.

For months every baby I saw I asked its age, and finally determined that I was about 3-6 months. And I knew I was not responsible, I did not ask for it, I was guiltless yet I was defiled and really never knew innonence. It was a tough couple years. I cut a lot back then, but as I watched children of varrious ages I knew I was not guilty.

It still takes a lot of self talk but slowly I am making headway. Hang in there. And don't be so hard on yourself if you do cut. Sometimes you just have to. I know. Syay safe. Dawn

Re: Children
Posted by Maggie on Sun Jul 1 09:20:23 2001 (#8305)

I had a dream the other night that I was surrounded by a group of children playing, and one little boy came up to me and said something profound (can't remember) that related to cutting. And it turned out the boy was an SIer and had no home. He would have been no older than 6 years old. So I looked after him, and tried to get custody of him but failed because I'm only 20 years old. I do love kids - they don't make judgements and they speak the truth. They have no bitterness and still innocent about what a horrible world it really is. Sometimes I look at photos of myself when I was a child, and I feel so guilty at how I've turned out when the girl in the photo still had hopes of a happy future.

Re: Children
Posted by *me* on Sun Jul 1 06:23:16 2001 (#8304)

YEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!! I LOVE children. They are so beautiful and innocent and I love being with them because they are always so kind and they have this joy that can't help but rub off on you. I've always always always felt this way but no one else I've known ever has. I remember being like, 7 years old and begging my neighbor who had a one year old to let my be a "mother's helper" and help her take care of her son.

When I get older I either want to be a child psychologist or a kindergarten teacher. I'm thinking more about the child psychologist thing though. But I know I definitely want to work with kids.

I'm glad someone else feels the same as me.

Lots of love

Just wondering
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jul 1 02:06:21 2001 (#8301)

Hi guys, I was wondering something. Some of ya'll (redneck talk) have said when you feel bad, you listen to sad music. Who do you listen too? I like sad music also when I'm sad about something, so I guess I was just wondering who everyone listened to. I've found an artist named Eva Cassidy. She had the most beautiful voice I've ever heard and some of her songs are really sad. Her voice just blew me away the first time I heard her. Anyway, I've rattled on enough. Let me know who ya'll listen to. Love, Rhonda

Re: Just wondering
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 1 14:59:49 2001 (#8306)

Well I listen to rock music and stuff like that, and I just bought this new CD. I love it! It made me cry, it's called Break the cycle. It's by a band called STAIND. It is so sad, I'm not sure what's going on in the singers life but the lyrics are soo incredibly sad, they relate to me and my sadness so much.Alot of the songs are just mellow and just sad, but they let me feel the pain with him kinda ya know? and I cry and get my stuff out too. It's great. Same with staind's first CD, dysfunction. It has a secret song that is just too sad!! =) When I broke up with my boyfriend(eww) I don't like him anymore. I listened to a song called your boyfriend sucks by a band called The Ataris. hehe, I liked it, it was about me..and yes I cried once again. well thats all. -Love-

Re: Just wondering
Posted by lindsey on Sun Jul 1 18:37:06 2001 (#8317)

yea i listin to alternative, they never sing about anythign happy, i love limp bizkit there my fav band but any think rock/punk/alterative i listin to.

Re: Just wondering
Posted by Alana on Sun Jul 1 17:23:03 2001 (#8312)

I listen to Tori Amos when I'm depressed. I also listen to Jann Arden and Sarah Mclachlan (YAH, CANADIANS!) They're lyrics touch a spot deep inside of me, and I can't help but self loath in my misery. Hahaha, I sound so selfish, man I'm a geek.

Alana

Re: Just wondering
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jul 1 18:02:21 2001 (#8314)

Hey, I like Sarah Mclachlan too. She's really good!!! Tara told me that some of Eva Cassidy's songs could be triggers because they are really sad, so please be careful if anyone of you listens to her. Just listen to her jazz and blues songs if you do listen to her. Ya'll take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Just wondering
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jul 3 00:30:29 2001 (#8345)

I love Tori Amos when I'm sad, but I also really enjoy the Velvet Underground. Dido is a new fav, and I also like Garbage.

Where's everyone from?
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 1 15:01:57 2001 (#8307)

I am from Dallas, TX. where are you from? I was just wondering. sorry..I don't mean to get off the subject of cutting. I haven't cut about almost a week, =). but the burn on my arm is very ugly looking, it's blistered. Just from a little macth and it hurts alot!

-Love-

Re: Where's everyone from?
Posted by Alana on Sun Jul 1 17:18:01 2001 (#8309)

Hey! I'm from Toronto, Canada! HAPPY CANADA DAY to all you canucks! Kat, I read that you've started burning. Not a good thing. I started burning about a year after I started cutting, and now my arms are covered in these dark purple stripes. I've never used a match though. I always heat up a needle in a flame and press it down, it gives you clean scars, but they're ugly as hell because they sink in, they don't stick up like cutting scars. Any advice I can give is to not burn yourself, these scars do not fade! Please stay away from burning! It does no good!

Love you all, Alana Banana

Re: Where's everyone from?
Posted by Dawn overcoming-1 on Mon Jul 2 02:54:40 2001 (#8323)

I live in beautiful Salem, Oregon. And life is good today.....hugs

Re: Where's everyone from?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jul 1 18:03:52 2001 (#8315)

Tara and I live in Weatherford, Ok. That's not that far from Dallas, KAT. Love, Rhonda

Re: Where's everyone from?
Posted by lindsey on Sun Jul 1 18:34:42 2001 (#8316)

im from canada! i live in ontario in ottawa and to day is canada day and my friends ditched me its the biggest day of the year adn i slept it away

Re: Where's everyone from?
Posted by beautiful and dying on Sun Jul 1 22:15:46 2001 (#8320)

well i'm from the uk channel boredom...

(not nearly as exciting and exotic, i'm sorry...)

take care...sparkle and believe xxxxxxx

Re: Where's everyone from?
Posted by jen on Mon Jul 2 03:19:49 2001 (#8325)

i am from chino, ca nothing wonderful to say about it. it smells like cows : P

Re: Where's everyone from?
Posted by Maggie on Mon Jul 2 07:03:14 2001 (#8330)

I'm from Auckland, New Zealand and we're a day ahead of the rest of you, and it's Winter holidays here. So I feel very isolated.

Re: Where's everyone from?
Posted by ChrisE on Mon Jul 2 19:41:01 2001 (#8335)

Live in Durham, England. Arse of the world. Though in fairness, I hated where I was before I was here. Probably not durham's fault.

Re: Where's everyone from?
Posted by Sharon on Mon Jul 2 23:35:11 2001 (#8343)

I live in Duluth, Georgia. It's a town about an hr. from Atlanta. Pretty ok, I guess.

Re: Where's everyone from?
Posted by emm on Thu Jul 5 14:41:23 2001 (#8413)

hia. im from watford/london (uk). i have to agree, its v.dull nice to see you all again! emma

Re: Where's everyone from?
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Jul 6 08:38:35 2001 (#8437)

I'm hardly ever on any more, but for those who remember who I am, I'm from Vancouver Canada. (well almost, a place called New Westminster but nobody knows where that is but it's close to Van.)

Drew :)

goodbye.................
Posted by girl on Sun Jul 1 16:04:39 2001 (#8308)

i have been reading ur posts i just cant respond. im too far gone now its too much too late,i hope you all make it. slipping slipping the rocks fall and i trip down where the demons hide in ashes. i know familiar faces will be there we all failed something or someone. i must be punished. its time to go, thank you all for support

so long everybody i have gone beyond the stars dont know where im goin hope i c u someday soon i have gone beyond the moon love girl xxxxx

Re: goodbye.................
Posted by KAT on Sun Jul 1 17:18:11 2001 (#8310)

oh no, girl! Let me tell you. I have been there I am still there, about a week ago In the mental place I was going to for outpatient, I was sobbing everyxday, I am hopeless, and I feel that no one can fix me or save me from myself. I am too far gone, I have had all those feelings in my head b4. and i truly believed them. and I still kinda do believe them, bc from all the services Ive received to try and help me I am still cutting and now burning and starving myself. I cant take this shit!!!!!!! I need you here with me to talk to me and we need to help each other.

Love Kat

Re: goodbye.................
Posted by Alana on Sun Jul 1 17:21:02 2001 (#8311)

Cmon girl, stay with us. I know how you are feeling right now, I went through a stage where I couldn't respond to anything that was written on this page no matter how intense it was. You just get to this point where nothing you say matters and you feel sooooooo numb about it all. All I can say is to get some help. Yah, alot of the time whatever help is out there doesn't really help, but sometimes it does, so the least we can do is to try and help ourselves. Just try! PLEASE, I don't want to lose another friend on the board....too many have gone.

Stay Strong, Alana

Re: goodbye.................
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jul 1 17:56:41 2001 (#8313)

Please stay and fight girl. I can't say I know how you feel cause I don't, but there are a lot of people here who care about you. Start writing us. We all care about you and want to help. PLease be okay!!!!!!!!!!! Love, Tara's Mom (Rhonda)

Re: goodbye.................
Posted by Dawn Overcoming-1 on Mon Jul 2 03:07:36 2001 (#8324)

Don't give up....I've been there on the edge, the very brink and at the last moment I called for help and help came. We are all here to help. You are not alone. What you are feeling many of us have felt the same way. I wasn't always overcoming-1 my life was shit. I was cutting 2or 3 times a day, overdosing on pills and once I left a psych unit and went and attempted suicide just a few blocks away.

I was nothing back then. But now my mental health is pretty stable and I have more good days than bad. If I can do it so can you, but you have to be the one to reach out for help. We are here waiting to hear from you. Love Dawn

noo pain
Posted by lindsey on Sun Jul 1 21:26:16 2001 (#8318)

no when i cut it doesnt hurt or anything i dont feel anything but i dont want to start burning its like i just do it for fun, and thats not good i go to therpy so that helps but not enough for me to stop cutting just yet! what do i do?? HELP

Re: noo pain
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 2 00:51:23 2001 (#8321)

Thats exactly how I am lindsey, like exactly. You remind me of me, like I'm talking to my mind but it's you. =) I know, cutting doesn't do it for me anymore and about 6 months ago it started to be my new hobby out or boredom or for fun, also when I felt terrible bad and sad. Therapy takes time, alot!!! of time. Hang in there. Don't start burning, I can tell you that the pain from burning I never recieved from cutting. I've burned once with a match, oh my god. it hurt soooo freaking bad. don't do it sweetie, I bet your too pretty to do that to yourself. All of you are!

-love-

Re: noo pain
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 2 03:29:21 2001 (#8326)

Lindsey my girl....I still cut. I've made peace with it and now it does not rule my life.

But it takes a lot of work. I write so I wrote about everything I could remember, I wrote names or identifying things about the people who raped me. I wrote about my mother and father, about my husband. I made a list of things I'm angry about. And I read books about people who overcame their past and went on to live healthy lives. It takes work.

And it takes being good to yourself, discover yourself. This is going to sound stupid but I get food boxes from time to time because my income is low. Anyway it was close to Christmas and some friends and I had gone and as we picked up our boxes we could get some pastries too. I chose a pumpkin pie.

My motto is life is short eat desert first so I grabbed a spoon and scooped out a big glob of the pie and stuck it in my mouth and the instant my taste buds got hold of it they screamed at me NO!!!!!!! and I spit it out and realized I hate pumpkin pie and always have, but have eaten it all my life because my mother told me to. Now that I'm an adult and don't live in an environment where I have to answer to other people I am finally free to discover what I like and don't like.

I like balloons, so every now and then I buy a balloon for myself. I bought balloons when I hadn't cut for a day or a week, or a month. I buy cards for myself, and gifts for me because I finally believe I deserve nice things.

And when I cut I don't tell myself I'm bad.... I just get the help I need and I let it go. I don't cut very often, but when I do it is no big deal. You can get to that place too. Love and hugs Dawn

cutting and burning
Posted by elle on Sun Jul 1 21:52:34 2001 (#8319)

hey all, i just am wondering where this breakout of burning has come from. i used to burn and melt other things besides myself like i was known as the "little pyro" when i was about 12 and i hung out with a group of mostly 16 yr olds. i sometimes would put something hot on my skin but mosly i would just hold my arms over the open flame until it kinda melted the skin and left a red blister. but i dont think that was self-injury burning cause i did it in front of other people and they were shocked it didnt hurt me. oh well, this is pointless. i am a cutter at heart not a burner.

suzie: wow, you posted a lot lately. alana: do all your cutting scars stick up? because a lot of mine go in. its like a dark purple indented line. but then others that werent as bad stick up.

ok all, randomness....no point to this point. i am gonna go bang my head against the wall. i dont fuckin feel like doing anything productive but laying on the floor. so yeah and my mom keeps screamin at me to get my lazy ass up and clean the windows and bathrooms. nope not today. c ya ~elle~

Re: cutting and burning
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 2 00:56:31 2001 (#8322)

hahaha, nice post elle. My mom screams at me all the time. I sit my lazy butt on this computer all day, and I wonder why I'm getting chubby.All of my cutting scars are deep indentions, they are dark dark purple /pinkish. real ugly. some other ones just like likes huge white lines that go in my skin and the burn marks are just gorss. blisters and all. I have a real ugly infected blister right now. yuk! but I don't think your a cutter at heart. Cutting is a disorder we all get from not dealing with other things or somethin like that. I don't think we were born to cut, you know..it just developed. hang in there..I am the laziest person in my house but I found that cleaning actually does make me feel better bc then everything looks nice bc of me. =)

-Love-

Re: cutting and burning
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 01:19:19 2001 (#8348)

hey elle...

not all of my scars stick up....but they are starting too. The really deep scars are purple and do sink in, but I'm not much of a deep cutter, and if I do cut deep its only a few cuts, compared to my hundreds of shallows cuts.

Any other questions, I'll be happy to answer!

Love, Alana

Re: cutting and burning
Posted by josie on Tue Jul 3 23:54:34 2001 (#8376)

im a cutter and to be perfectly honest burning has never hurt me like cutting does . whats really strange is aburn feels like a cut should like a stinging pain and a cut feels like a burn should a burnind pain

good news for a change
Posted by Dawn overcoming-1 on Mon Jul 2 03:32:49 2001 (#8327)

Today has been a great day. I did 7 loads of laundry, cleaned my house, and made spagittee.

Re: good news for a change
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Jul 2 04:31:19 2001 (#8329)

I love spaghetti!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you like chocolate chip cookies and no bake cookies? If ya do, I'll send you some. Maybe when you're feeling bad, you can eat a cookie and think of how much I care about you. Stay strong Dawn!! Love, Rhonda

self esteem poem
Posted by Dawn Overcoming-1 on Mon Jul 2 04:15:29 2001 (#8328)

I AM ME

I am me. I reside in my body. No one else. I am an adult and as adult I have freedom of my own identity.

God has created into each of us a free will. Others may nave robbed me of my freedom of choice in the past, but as much as possible I won't let that happen again.

I am free to choose: How and where I live, what I think, How I dress, who I associate with, what I eat, where I eat, how much or how little i eat, and what I do and do not do.

I am the BEST AUTHORITY on who I am.

Defining who I am is an ongoing process. It requires becoming keenly aware of who I am. It entails becoming aware of what I like and dislike. It involves examining my own standards and values, and discovering where my own interests lie. It means exerting the freedom given to me by God, who values me beyond any reason I can think of. I, alone, define my goals, or whether I have any at all. And I alone can act in ways that move me towards my goals.

Others may adopt goals similiar to mine but they are not mine. My goals belong to me. I set them and I have the power to break them and change them if I so choose. They are not subject to someone else or their response or relationship to me.

I understand that the sucess or failure to meet goals rests a lot in how goals are set up. They should not be fluffy, like I am not going to cut anymore, but specific and measurable, like I am not going to cut, this minute, or hour, day or week. And the purpose of having goals is to discover that I can achieve goals, and each sucessful goal can be followed up by a bigger, yet achievable goal.

Life has external changes. We can only control ourselves, we cannot control other people, the weather, or the way the world changes on a daily basis.

The life within my body, my mind, my emotions are constantly changing and I need to be at peace with wherever I am.

I am not a failure if I don't reach a set goal. I have the power to recreate it, or cast it aside altogether. I am not a project for someone else to fix.

I am me And I have value just being myself

Re: self esteem poem
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 2 19:14:43 2001 (#8334)

very nice. =)

Branding
Posted by Maggie on Mon Jul 2 07:23:54 2001 (#8331)

I went to a friend's 21st the other night, and one of my friends was talking about branding himself with the Yin-Yan symbol. For those of you who don't know what branding is - apparently it's like a tattoo but done by burning. And I was listening to the conversation, and suddenly he said "Hey you're into branding and stuff right?" I've never done this, but he was obviously referring to my cutting, which he should know NOTHING about. I guess my close friends are gossips - and he said it in front of heaps of other people too, and so now it's probably common knowledge. I don't care anymore though.

But he asked me to join in on the event - and I was soooo drunk at the time, and I agreed. But I don't really know if I wanna SI as part of a social event - to me it's personal. But I also said that I'd find out more about it - so if any of you have done 'branding' before, could you let me know how to do it.

Thanks, Maggie.

Re: Branding
Posted by elle on Mon Jul 2 23:24:35 2001 (#8340)

remember the movie skulls with Pacey from Dawsons creek? they have to get branded in that

Re: Branding
Posted by overcoming-1 on Tue Jul 3 06:24:25 2001 (#8359)

You've heard the saying "if all your friends were jumping off a cliff would you jump too?" I'm days from turning 49. I've been cutting for 12 years. As you said it is a private thing. Just me, my pain, memories and my scissors" I've never cut in front of anyone, and don't intend to start. I almost got caught one time and I remember feeling ashamed. That is the only time I felt ashamed of cutting.

Its your life. I can't tell you not to. But it seems that making something personal a social activity, would make the personal act of no effect.

Just my opinion ... Dawn

please read
Posted by CandyDarling on Mon Jul 2 18:06:28 2001 (#8332)

hey everyone i wrote this awhile back its just a poem read it if ya want and tell me what ya think. thanx, love, me.

hiding behind my hair today reason to stay asleep dreaming all my hate away sinking in oh so deep no reasons left to live today i hope this isnt mine to keep but in my mind i know it will stay and in my heart i feel it creep this thing that grows day by day i have no reasons at all to weep i wish i could keep it all at bay when i fall down in a heap and i can feel my viens decay into my skin i feel it seep i feel there is no other way the razor cuts in oh so deep and then i hear my self say this life was never mine to keep

Re: please read
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 2 18:39:04 2001 (#8333)

thats very very good, I like it alot.

Re: CandyDarling
Posted by Overcoming-1 on Thu Jul 5 22:52:04 2001 (#8421)

I'm sorry for the delay in responding. You captured your feelings well. I've been where you are or were when you wrote it and I know if you keep writing and hanging in there life will get better. Love Dawn overcoming-1

girl??
Posted by jen on Mon Jul 2 23:06:47 2001 (#8336)

girl this message is for you i wanted to know if you are still with us. please stay and keep posting, we care about you. luv jen

attn: tara's mom
Posted by *me* on Mon Jul 2 23:07:54 2001 (#8337)

Hi! I was just wondering if you heard anything from that book message board thing...I still can't remember the name of the book and it's really bothering me. But it's ok if you haven't posted it or no one responded or something. I was just curious. Thanks.

Re: attn: tara's mom
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 3 03:36:52 2001 (#8356)

Hey, I haven't heard anything back yet, but I'll keep looking. I did post a message to a online book company and am hoping to get a reply back this week sometime. I'll let you know if anything pops up. Bye and take care. Love, Rhonda

I don't know what to feel
Posted by no tomorrow girl on Mon Jul 2 23:13:51 2001 (#8338)

This morning at 5am I cut myself, it was pretty deep, I went to the medicentre to get stitches, they gave me a persription for Zoloft, I don't knw what that does, someone please tell me. I told my mom ans sister, they finally know what's going on. I told them I wasn't sorry for what I did, or what I was doing, and how I've been treating everyone. I told them i meant what I did. I think that's true, I'm so bitter, I'm not a sensitive person, I don't cry alot.

Re: I don't know what to feel
Posted by elle on Mon Jul 2 23:28:34 2001 (#8341)

im on zoloft, its an anti depressant and it does shit except make your thoughts get confused

Re: I don't know what to feel
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Jul 3 01:57:14 2001 (#8351)

Hi. Tara was on Zoloft for a while to treat her depression, but it is also used to treat mood swings and other related things. It didn't really work for Tara so she got switched to Effexor XR. That has helped her better than Zoloft did. Try it for a while. My sister-in-law takes it for her mood swings, of course she is fixing to go through the change. It's good you finally told your family what was going on. Even if you're not sorry, at least its out in the open and maybe they might understand better. I sure hope so. Take care of yourself Love, Rhonda

Re: I don't know what to feel
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 03:25:39 2001 (#8355)

I was on zoloft for awhile....it did shit for me, but then again I didn't want it to work so I stopped taking it after a couple months....I say try it out if you're into getting out of this spot we are all in. What do you have to lose (beside a few pounds....I lost weight on zoloft)

Good luck with everything, Alana

Cutting is an addiction
Posted by *me* on Mon Jul 2 23:17:42 2001 (#8339)

When I started SI I thought that if I ever wanted to stop, I could. Well I can't. I can't stop. And if I had made it through today it would have been 20 days of no razor cuts. But I didn't make it. I cut. And I want to cut more. I can't stop and I don't want to. I don't want to stop anymore. That deep cut scared me, but you know it's just going to heal and be another scar...only a bigger scar...but still a scar. And I am going to keep cutting because I CAN'T stop.

And the pain, the emotional pain I feel is swallowing me. And I don't know how to make it go away. I want it to go away. I hate everything about myself. I hate me, I hate the way I do everything, I hate hate hate hate hate. And I hate that I hate. But I can't NOT hate. And I don't know how to describe it. But that is the only feeling I allow myself to feel. Is the hatred of myself. I want my pain to go away. I want my pain to go away. HOW CAN I MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!

Re: Cutting is an addiction
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jul 3 00:42:00 2001 (#8346)

I'm so sorry. You're right, cutting IS an addiction. I know that you are dissapointed with yourself, but don't let this one slip up deminish all the good work you have done. You DID stay cut-free for almost 20 days. That's fantastic. And just because you slipped doesn't mean that you have to go right back to where you stared. You aren't in the same place you were 20 days ago. You have proven to yourself that you can do it. So don't give up. You are not hateful or worthless or any of the other things you may be saying about yourself. You can't expect yourself to quit cold turkey and not have a set back now and then. But it doesn't mean that you are bad and it DOESN'T mean that you can't get right back there and keep resisting. Hang in there darling, I KNOW that you can do it.

Re: Cutting is an addiction
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 03:23:07 2001 (#8354)

It's not going to go away. I'm sorry if I'm not in a positive mood right now....all I know from my experiences is that IT WILL NEVER LEAVE. Once you start, you can't stop. All the help in the world will do shit. I'm so sorry I can't help you. Hang in there sweetie!

Alana

just read, it doesnt need a frickin title
Posted by elle on Mon Jul 2 23:31:56 2001 (#8342)

psyke is an addiction. i am leaving you all. sorry, love ya but cant. gotta get away from this board, it is too much a reminder of the past. i cut and i need to stop. bye

Re: just read, it doesnt need a frickin title
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 01:22:32 2001 (#8349)

Hey elle...been there, done that, yet came back. Its not doing me any good at all. Psyke in an addiction and like you it only reminds me of all the shit that went on a few months ago (ie Alana is a cunt...etc) But I hope you have a good life and that you sort things out.

Love and light, Alana

Re: just read, it doesnt need a frickin title
Posted by black rose on Tue Jul 3 03:07:28 2001 (#8352)

Elle, I know what u mean and y u need to leave! I'll miss u! e-mail me 1ce in a while!*hugs* <3 always, Christine

sorry ........................
Posted by girl on Tue Jul 3 00:02:39 2001 (#8344)

hmmmmm ok well i feel real strange right now like all day im so good at concealing all this i wear th elongskirts and ive been doing really well i havnt cut since may 20th which i should be rejoycing about but i just feel low so ugly and repulsive and stupid and i reallly arnt worth th ebother all of this therapy and shit its just so pointless its just postponing my death when it all ends i will end it by myself i will decide. i keep getting to this point and keeping it to myself hidden even from my therapist shes so dumb i cant stand her. its all so intense and the flashbacks are back and oh i dont care im still breathing for a little while longer but i am nothing i am worse than nothing i am too much. im sorry i dont know what im doing im scared. love girl ps, thanx jen and every1 who replied my last post sweeties xxx i have been reading just not responding the last few days sorry please forgive me, i just couldnt i hope u ll undastand

Re: sorry ........................
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 01:13:34 2001 (#8347)

Don't be sorry for anything you have done...you have good reasons. May 20th? Way to go girl! I'm proud of any cutter who can go an hour without cutting....yup, with me its gotten that bad. Every minute I think about cutting myself....enough about me. I hope you are doing ok, and that you keep posting. I miss you, when you don't!

Love, Alana Banana

Re: sorry ........................
Posted by jen on Tue Jul 3 01:45:35 2001 (#8350)

well sweet pea i am glad you are still posting. i am almost positive that most or all of us have been in the same plsce feeling the same things... i know i have and i am getting to that point again, but keep posting. at least keep reading, just so that you know that you have support and you know that people care about you. luv jen

Re: sorry ........................
Posted by Dawn Overcoming-1 on Tue Jul 3 05:48:31 2001 (#8357)

Hey girl, I am the one to be saying sorry. I have read a few of your postings and can't remember if I responded to them. Everyone on here deserves to be listened to and get some feedback

That urge is here with me
Posted by Alana on Tue Jul 3 03:21:05 2001 (#8353)

I've been babysitting all day, hence why I've been posting alot today. Anyways, I've had a bad day, and I really want to cut myself....they have a shit load of razors in the bathroom here (I'm so use to my parents hiding them all from me) and the urge is sooooo powerful right now. GUYS, I don't know where to turn, I'm here for another few hours, so I'm stuck. I can't stop shaking. I haven't had it this bad in weeks. Ahhh fuck, I'm dead.

Alana

Re: That urge is here with me
Posted by girl on Tue Jul 3 21:40:57 2001 (#8368)

hun-e you have to resist you r stronger than the urge and u have a responsibility to those kids ur looking after theyy need u, please just try and get thru it try setting urself goals like i will get thru the next 20 min and if u succeed and i really hope u do then u get a treat a chco bar or something ive got thru a whole 3 days like that this is just till u get outta the house keep going im here for u we r all here to support u right now

love girl

I'm trying, but ...
Posted by Rabbit on Tue Jul 3 07:15:40 2001 (#8360)

I haven't cut in 18 days and it is getting really hard to resist. I had an amazingly hard day yesterday. It was one thing after another all day long and it was so triggering. I came so close to cutting and the urge has not left me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I know that if I do cut that it isn't the end, but still... I WANT TO CUT SO BAD!!!!!!!!!! But I also want to resist because I'm doing so well. What I really want is for all the shit to stop. Things are so crazy right now and I'm running out of safe alternatives because they just don't work anymore. I am so pathetic.

Re: I'm trying, but ...
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 3 10:02:09 2001 (#8361)

I'm not familiar with you, my name is Dawn and I'm the overcoming-1. I've been to hell and back with cutting and just told my best friend that I've been wanting to cut lately. I hadn't cut for many months then I was doing genealogy work and found an uncle the same day I got a cell phone. I was so happy. Then my emotions were up and down and you do know that even good things can be stressful, well I do not do stress, and I wigged out and when my boyfriend went home after I told him off I cut.

Being addicted to cutting is like being addicted to cigarrettes, booze, or drugs. Just one, and you go on a binge.

I've been a cutter for 12 years. I used to cut 2 or 3 times a day, not big cuts, sometimes only sliding a blade lightly on my skin. I hope this isn't triggering for you. I am just trying to say that most people who injure themselves have borderline personality disorder and one key factor between us all is we can't handle stress.

I have simlified my life, I don't associate with a lot of people especially if they are dysfunctional.

It wiggs me out when my boyfriend signs up for a lot of things on my webtv and his mailbox gets filled. I need calm. Maybe you do too.

Somebody told me once to use a pen and write on my arms instead of cutting them. I did and it just made me want to cut more. A therapist I had suggested getting a cloth doll and cutting on her arms, then stitch them up. I asked my sister and she made me a doll with big arms. But I have never cut on them. I seems so cruel.

But some how I justify cutting on myself. You see I am a mother to three children who did not mind me. My mother was the kind of mother who made her kids mind. So I yelled and spanked, and beat, and later began getting more and more abusive as they grew older and more rebellious. I loved them but I was getting more mentally ill everyday. Then one day my 10 year old called me a bitch and said he didn't have to do what I said. And I snapped and decided to kill him and his sisters. But as I was bringing down the belt upon him while holding him down with my belt God spoke to me and said "hit him again and you will never stop"

I stopped and called for help. And now I rarely yell at anyone. I turn all my anger on myself. I won't hurt anyone again. Not unless they try to rape me. And then I will kill them.

This long story (lecture) you may say is that we have to get what ever is making us hurt ourselves out in the open. If someone has hurt us we need to tell somebody. If we have hurt someone else we need to tell someone and cleanse ourselves of our guilt.

I punish myself a lot for how out of control I was with my kids. I'd apollogized and told them they were not responsible for how I parented them. I was. And I was wrong.

But even though they tell me its ok. The lives that they are living show me how I screwed them up. And now all I can do is accept the relationship I have with each of them and pray for them.

I will pray for you too rabbit. God bless you.... Dawn

Re: I'm trying, but ...
Posted by girl on Tue Jul 3 22:25:12 2001 (#8371)

sweetie i know how hard it is ive done 43 and each day is a stuggle of temptation and refusal and blame and guilt and all of that other shit that we all live thru. but ur doing soooooo well and im soooooo proud of u bcos this is it ur breaking the cycle and getting out!!!!and im so happy that there is someone out there escaping the blade,

wish i could say more im lost in words that sound wrong just please keep going im here we r all here for u

love girl

For someone like me!!!!!
Posted by Bailey on Tue Jul 3 19:28:09 2001 (#8362)

I recently attempted suicide. I was unsuccessful obviously. I can't seem to find anyone like myself. I have scars on my wrist and also on my neck they are obvious. I would like to here about your situation and how you have been able to cope and rebuild your live. how do people respond? Have you been able to find a job? How are your friends and family reacting to you?

anyone living with scars I would like to talk to you.

Re: For someone like me!!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 5 08:32:58 2001 (#8405)

Most of my scars are on my forearms. I don't hide them. If peopla ask about them I tell them "that's what I do when I don't feel good. As far as work goes. I am disabled by my depression, post traumatic stress syndrome, and borderline personality disorder.

I tried going back to college but it was too stressful. But I did make it through the semester and managed an A,and B.

I don't know what you cut with. I use scissors. I've cut on my stomach a few times and on a breast once. that is no place to cut and get stitches.

I'm sure glad I'm not a teenage cutter. I wish you well. Love Dawn

For someone like me!!!!!
Posted by Bailey on Tue Jul 3 19:30:44 2001 (#8363)

anyone living with scars I would like to talk to you.

Re: For someone like me!!!!!
Posted by girl on Tue Jul 3 22:14:41 2001 (#8370)

hmmmmmm loads on my legs i hide them well under clothing and lies. they get discovered sometimes i cant help it. i tried suicide too but they found me. ive lost a lot of friends so now i stay silent but ive gained someone older than me as an almost parent and i love them for it. e mail me anytime love girl

crap!!!
Posted by jen on Tue Jul 3 19:32:12 2001 (#8364)

i have been doing alright i went 20 days without cutting yesterday i did just a little(even though it doesnt matter if it is a little or not) then today my tata( he is my grandpa and i live with him) got mad at me cuz i put some of his shirts in the dryer which was an accident( he said it wasnt) then it got into this thing where he was yelling at me for a bunch of stuff then it got onto my cutting somehow and hes like" the next time you cut i am gonna put you in a hospital and leave you there!" i left to go to a doctors appointment( i have been getting really bad headaches and dizzy spells) when i get back i got another lecture for not exersicing or something when he lectures it is always about alot of stuff. now i am so frustrated and i dunno rattled up in my head. all i want to do is cut, but right now if i cut i know i wont stop. ill just keep cutting, i feel so helpless, i hate not controling what i feel. i feel so defeated jen

Re: crap!!!
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 3 19:41:16 2001 (#8367)

I know that feeling. I don't know what to tell you right now because I'm quite lost myself. When I know I can't control how many cuts I make I scratch instead. I feel weird telling you how to SI though. Don't do anything rash. But I know how you feel. Be safe.

Re: crap!!!
Posted by girl on Tue Jul 3 22:29:59 2001 (#8372)

hun-e ur "tata" has no right to make u feel so bad wen u have done no wrong, please beleive me wen i say that most words uttered in anger hold no truth and u can stand up and say how u feel and how he is makin gu feel, honestly u r sooooo strong to have done 2o days in the 1st place this is a set back not a failure a hurdle and u can clear it just like all the others, please clear the slate and start counting "ur clean" days again, please dont fall back into the cycle

love girl

For someone like me!!!!!
Posted by Bailey on Tue Jul 3 19:33:57 2001 (#8365)

anyone living with scars I would like to talk to you.

Re: For someone like me!!!!!
Posted by Tara on Tue Jul 3 22:04:36 2001 (#8369)

i have been living with scars for 4 years.i get very strange looks from people,but i just keep telling myself that they have no idea what i am like and the hell that i have been through and still go through everyday of my life.at first my family and friends were freaked out then they realized how serious cutting on myself was and gave me all the support that they could.it was hard for my little sister.she felt as if i was getting all the attintion and she was being left out and so we would get into fights a lot over what was going on.and when i would go to get a job i would be sure to tell them that i was a self-mutilator.you don't have to.i felt that i was obligated to tell them.of course i have worked in a lot of nursing homes.i am a certifited nurses aid.CNA is what they call it.it is really good money for someone my age.see i am just about ot turn 18 in july.the raeson this all started was because i was raped.then i got into a really bad relationship with a 26 year old guy when i was only 16.that ended with me going to the hospital for 3 days and 4 nights.thats when you learn an awful secret.someone else is aways worse off than you.so you have to consider yourself lucky that you are not them.i know that it sounds mean,but you are never the person that is so bad off that no one can help you.trust me.do you go and talk to anyone about how you feel?believe me it works if you can find someone that you can connect with.i see a pyhscologist.he has help me in more ways than i can say.since i started seeing him,i have not cut.i take meds for flashbacks of my rape and also to control my urges to cut.it works wonders on me to.some days i don't even take it and it does not even matter.well i have went on enough.if you want to talk some more,you can e-mail me at anytime you want.i am here to talk to and help and so is my mom.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH

Re: For someone like me!!!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Jul 4 03:54:14 2001 (#8381)

You bet I'm here to help! Tara is my baby and I would do anything for her. I've found that I like trying to help and support some of the others here also.Since I don't cut, I don't know what they're feeling, but I at least try to give them an adult's point of view. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. Any way, like Tara says, I'm here to help any way I can. Write me if you want to. Love, Tara's Mom (Rhonda)

I'm scared because I can't stop
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 3 19:38:03 2001 (#8366)

I'm scared because I can't stop cutting. And I'm scared because I don't WANT to. And I'm scared of the fact that I absolutely HATE myself and everything about me. And I'm scared because I have these thoughts that if I wasn't a minor and cutting didn't have to be hidden I would shred my entire body with razors. I don't want to die. But I hate myself. I was talking to Elle the other day and she was like, don't you feel like you just want to crawl away from yourself. And I do. I want to not be ME anymore. I hate me. And I hate that I feel so damn sad all the time. Every minute of every day I have to fight back tears. I don't even have a reason to cry half of the time, and the slightest thing will push me over the edge and if I'm with friends I'll cry and if I'm home I will yell and yell and be so angry. I don't know why. I'm getting very sick of living this way. I just don't know how to make it stop. I can't stop anything. Not my cutting, not my wanting to cut, not my sadness, not my anger, not my hatred of myself, not my mother's yelling, not her criticism, not people's expectations of me to be perfect. I'm not perfect damnit. I NEED TO MAKE THIS STOP. HOW CAN I MAKE IT STOP.

Re: I'm scared because I can't stop
Posted by girl on Tue Jul 3 22:34:46 2001 (#8373)

honey im scared too i wish i could help u i wish i could help myself. i dont have the answers i dont know the way out. im so sorry and i cant make it all go away for us but i can be here to talk i can be here to listen. love girl

Re: I'm scared because I can't stop
Posted by Linda on Tue Jul 3 23:04:39 2001 (#8374)

OHHHHHHHHHHHH I read these posts and my heart breaks and I just wish I could get you all to see that there IS a way out. You need a change from the inside out.....not from the outside in. The only hope is to have the Holy Spirit to come into your life to help you begin to know who you are to your Creator. It is only through Him that any of us find value. If you will give it ALL to Him....I promise you on the authority of His Word that He will help you deal with your life. I know that is too simple sounding but it IS the answer. In Jesus' love, Linda

Re: I'm scared because I can't stop
Posted by Alana on Wed Jul 4 00:34:32 2001 (#8378)

I wish I had answers and advice for you, but I don't. I thought it would be nice of me to reply at least though. I'm in the same spot as you right now. I can't stop cutting, and there isn't even a part of me that wants to stop. When I'm by myself I see nothing wrong with cutting, its the judgements other people put on us about it that get to us. I wish there was a world where there were only cutters, burners, etc....things would be so much easier, everyone would understand, and we woudln't have to hide our sercret. BUT unfortunately there is no such place (lets make that happen, ya right). I'm also the same with friends as you...I just shut down now and hide from them and when I'm at home all I do is yell, my parents are getting tired of how angry I am :^( I don't mean to be angry, and I don't mean to make everyones life a living hell....it just happens. I'm sorry for who I am.

Hang in there *me*! Email me if you wanna talk.

Alana

Re: I'm scared because I can't stop
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 4 04:58:08 2001 (#8382)

I've been there and I know if you don't give up it will get better. I'm an adult, so I cannot concieve of how........ no, I'm an adult and a mother and I have a daughter who use to threaten to kill herself, from the age of 5 up into her teens, because she heard her father say he was going to kill himself. Of course early on I just dismissed it, but by the time she was a teenager I did not deal with it so well. Sometimes out of frustrating I'd grab a knife and tell her if you wanted to just go ahead and do it. She screamed at me "are you crazy". And to tell the truth I was. One day I found her in her room with a knife at her wrist and she was looking at it with curosity and longing. I knew then it was time to get help for her, for all of us.

Now I'm a cutter reading my life experiences of a few years ago. And as Linda said God is the only answer.

it doesn't hurt
Posted by josie on Tue Jul 3 23:47:30 2001 (#8375)

people always ask me if cutting hurts me it doesn't! usually it is the only thing that helps. i want some one who doesn't understand to read this. you don't help. God doesn't help trust me i've tried every thing. my mom still doesn't know and if she does she hasn't said a word. i know i can't hide it forever i also know i can't stop. and last but not least it's nobody's fault!

Re: it doesn't hurt
Posted by girl on Tue Jul 3 23:59:33 2001 (#8377)

for me it takes away pain it stops the hurt. u sound so bitter i dont know y u cut but it hurt readin ur post cos its so cynical which i identify with. hope ur alright at the mo

girl

Re: it doesn't hurt
Posted by Alana on Wed Jul 4 00:35:49 2001 (#8379)

Cool post...its definately nobody's fault

thanks
Posted by jue on Wed Jul 4 02:34:23 2001 (#8380)

thank-you all for replying to my children post. i am so thankful for your kind words. Alana good to see you back. e-mail me if you want. elle if you are still here i will e-mail you. i will be away until next tuesday. oh and for the record i live in BC canada 2 hours northeast of vancouver. i also celebrated cananda day. except i was working (i do park maitenance and collecting money from campers- summer job). anyone feel free to e-mail me. i care about all of you here. stay safe please be careful. i am still cut free!!!!! a week and a couple of days yes. take care all of you. julie

***Everyone PLEZ read
Posted by Dawn overcoming-` on Wed Jul 4 05:16:32 2001 (#8383)

This is a song, I have writen for permission to post it but haven't heard back yet. But I can't wait any longer. The title is "Scars"

I heard him call my name. He said, "I've come to save you." But I was so ashamed... I turned to walk away. He reached out his hands, and said "I have some thing to show you." And what I saw changed my life that day.

I saw his scars. No he didn't try to hide them. He said, "Come and look inside them, they're a window to my heart. And don't forget I love you, just the way you are." I knew it must be true. I saw his scars.

I said, "Lord my scars are deep. I don't want you to see them. So many of them were caused by things I chose to do. He said, "Look again and the scars that I am wearing..... Don't you know I chose these scars too?"

I saw his scars. No he didn't try to hide them. He said,"Come and look inside them they're a window to my heart. And don't forget I love you just the way you are." I knew it must be true I saw his scars

Re: ***Everyone PLEZ read
Posted by Sharon on Thu Jul 5 03:29:21 2001 (#8400)

Dawn, you have no idea how much that means to me, I'm glad you didn't wait. I really really needed to read that tonight, I was feeling really depressed and out of it with God and that really helped me out. Can you tell me who sings that song? and what the album it's from is called? Thanks.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: ***Everyone PLEZ read
Posted by Maggie on Thu Jul 5 15:49:56 2001 (#8415)

I REALLY liked those lyrics... if only that could become real for me/us. Please tell us who wrote that.

Maggie.

im so cold inside...
Posted by kylie on Wed Jul 4 05:27:58 2001 (#8384)

cuttig is my life too. if i dont cut myself i feel in need. im always feeling unhealthy and yuck. sometimes i wish that the blood would never stop running and ide just fade away and everyones life would be happy. i also do other things to myself... i starve myself... not because i think im fat. no i admit im the total opposite of fat. but i do it to try and have control over myself. but now i have no control. everything has taken over. theres not much piont living a sad life now is there?

Re: im so cold inside...
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 4 21:25:56 2001 (#8393)

Kylie; right not it is 12:15 pm on July 4th, here in Salem, Oregon. Which means, if I can do my math, in 15 hours and two minutes, drop the two already. I will be 49. When I started attemping to end my miserable life 12 years ago, I didn't expect to be around for this birthday or the last 11.

I have bad days, and worse days, or like last night-- worse moments. I want to apolligize to you for not responding last night. I saw you had posted something, but didn't read it or respond because I was too busy, cutting my arm. I wanted someone to respond to me. I was selfish. Will you please forgive me?

I hope by the time you read this you will be feeling a little better. I remember 12 years ago there was hardly ever a moment that I well better, much less good.

I wish you well. Dawn

Re: im so cold inside...
Posted by kylie on Thu Jul 5 15:58:56 2001 (#8417)

i forgiev you after all it isnt yur fault if u dont reply... u dont have to. thank you though. i would write something a little longer but i must leave this world now... or at least give myself something to leave this world alive while i am asleep...

~*~kylie~*~

Re: im so cold inside...
Posted by *me* on Thu Jul 5 19:12:54 2001 (#8420)

KYLIE PLZ don't do something you might regret. I'm sorry that I didn't reply. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say, and I'm going through a hard time now, too. Just know that everyone here DOES care about you. Please know that here we understand feelings you never thought could be understood. Don't leave us.

Lots of love

I want to cut
Posted by overcoming-1 Dawn on Wed Jul 4 05:54:16 2001 (#8386)

I talk a good talk, like I have it all figured out...... but when the pain comes the brains go out the window. The fifth is my 49th birthday, but it seems it means only something to me. Oh there's still two days to go, I may get a phone call or two, or maybe a greeting card from some of my family who has a computer...So here I am feeling sorry for myself.

I told my boyfriend today that fighting cutting gives cutting more power. When I tell myself its ok to cut and I get out my scissors and I fondle them it is my decision rather to use them or put them away.

With scissors being my weapon of choice it makes life a little tougher. I cut paper. I cut up chicken, I open plastic bags, I cut my hair if its been too long since I shaved my head, I cut.... And sometimes its hard not to use them on me..... maybe just a scratch, maybe just one snip.... a little cut will do. But sometimes it doesn't do. then I know I might as well do it good enough to get stitches.... then I make the call to my doctor and hopefully get her and not someone else on call, because I can talk the talk with her to keep me out of the funny farm. Then after I make the call to her I figure if I'm going to get stitches I might as well make it worth the trip, so I work on the wound some more.

I actually had a doctor tell me that where I cut, generally, isn't real threatening. I've been doing this 12 years. I know how to control the bleeding and prevent infection. I know how to bullshit my way out of hospital stays, or talk my way in. I know why I cut, anger, boredom, emptiness, numbness, anxiety, pain, regret, guilt, shame...... and for no other reason than "I want to".

I'm a long way from being a teenager. I wouldn't want to be one again for all the tea in China. I was raped or molested sometimes several times a day for months. And when it happened I didn't call it rape. I twisted the truth and told myself it was because they found me attractive, or they liked me. I couldn't believe the truth until I was 36, and I was't being raped, or beaten, or drug around driveways any more.

I was safe for the memories and the visions to come back. And now they won't go away. Do I want to die tonight....no. I want to turn 49. but tonight I want to cut.

I don't know if any of you have to sign contracts saying you won't harm yourself. Well I progressed beyond that simply by saying no I will not contract that I will not cut, but I will contract that I will call if I feel suicidal. And I am not the boy who cried wolf. If I tell someone, anyone that I am going to cut you can bet your sweet bippy I cut. I want to sooooooooooo much. I can see it in my head. But do I want stitches on my birthday, well I don't believe I do. So maybe just a little snip or two will do

Re: I want to cut
Posted by jen on Wed Jul 4 06:13:53 2001 (#8387)

dawn, i am alot younger than you but i am a cutter and i know the feeling you are having. i have a suggestion for you, go back to all the times you responded to people who said they wanted to cut, who needed to cut. read what you wrote to them, the advice you give is great, so maybe if you read it you will remind yourself of that great advice. i know i can give advice on what to do but when i want to cut i seem to forget it all. all yours is written down, just try reading it. remember that if you do cut that it isnt something to get mad at yourself for or anything like that. its all up to you. rememeber that jesus is there, thats what you say luv jen

Re: I want to cut
Posted by girl on Thu Jul 5 10:21:26 2001 (#8408)

u have made it tho u are still here 12 years later and that is something to be celebrated and HAPPY BIRTHDAY sweetie love girl

I don't make promises
Posted by lys on Fri Jul 6 03:36:24 2001 (#8431)

too many people have broken way too many promises with me for me to use the term 'I promise' or anything similar. The closest I will come if people ask me to contract for safety is an 'I will try' type statement. Right now, I am not trying. Screw the 5 days, it will start again tomorrow.

I can't even do it right tonght
Posted by overcoming-1 on Wed Jul 4 06:55:18 2001 (#8388)

It really sucks being right haned and trying to cut on your right arm. But maybe I did enough to pacify the urge. My left arm is such a maze of old white scars the skin is taut and thick it is too hard to find a spot, and cutting through old scars is a tough job.

What is wrong with me I came on here to be the older more wiser supporter and here I sit giving almost play by play of how to do it, and how to bullshit your way around doctors and some of you probably need hospitalization at times, God knows I did. But now I have a dog. And she needs me and I delight in her.

Just tonight we has spagittee (3rd night in a roll). Of course I have to make a plate for Trixy. It was still hot and she actually blew on it to cool it down, then she lap at the sauce around the saucer, then some splattered on the floor and she walked around to lick it up, the she sucked up a noodle just like a person. I love her and she loves me. why can't I just be ok with that?

Paul and I love each other in a way I never thought could happen. I'm young (49) he's old (66). He's been married seven times (3 wives) I've been married three times (2 husbands). Paul doesn't want to get married again....me or any one else he said.

Since then there is no romance, more friendship...yet love. When I met him 5 years ago come Nov. It was over for me the first night. Then I got a card in the mail with his phone number and I learned very quickly he was trustworthy and reliable. I called him up when I cut or when I wanted to cut and he'd take the bus--make a couple transfers and walk 8 blocks to be with me, a couple of times he took a cab. Now he lives next door. I asked him to move to Oregon from Reno Nv. and he came just because I asked him to. I don't know where I'd be without him and Trixy. I can be ME and they still are there for me.

Its turned my world around. But sometimes things get me down and down I go. But I'm better now.

snoopers!!!!
Posted by lindsey on Wed Jul 4 20:04:20 2001 (#8389)

i AM SO SICK OF THIS BULL SHIT!!!!!! GRGRGGR, so this is what happened! lol my mom and i went to the cottage for monday ,tuesday,wednsday. so on tuesday i was lokign for the loction! she said it was in her bag,or so it thought so i was looking and it wasnt there then i saw a piece of paper(im not the one to snoop unless its about me which in this case it was) so i saw a lil piece of the paper and it said hey lindsey this is rhonda! and then i knew it was from thi site! she printed out all the postes that had my name on them even the ones i said back to ppl! well yeah thats it

we talked about it and i said i wasnt going to come here anymore and she didnt want that she said she wont go here if i still come here and talk. so yep thats it thats all

Re: snoopers!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jul 5 08:40:59 2001 (#8406)

I'm glad you are still here. We can help you. I wrote you a post in response to your little brother calling you mental. ...love Dawn

Re: snoopers!!!!
Posted by girl on Thu Jul 5 10:24:16 2001 (#8409)

i know this will sound odd but its kinda sweet that she cares that much and im glad ur stayin, love girlxxxxxxxxxx

for those of you who have sought help for yourself
Posted by *me* on Wed Jul 4 20:36:26 2001 (#8390)

I know some of you were "found out" or whatnot. But are there any people who have actually TOLD someone YOURSELF in order to get help? Do you regret telling? Has it helped things or made them worse? Do you wish you had never done it? Who did you tell?

I don't know what to do. I think I need to get some help, but I'm very scared of what that means.

Re: for those of you who have sought help for your
Posted by lindsey on Wed Jul 4 20:57:08 2001 (#8392)

well, i was suppose to tell my mom! but i didnt i waited tolong and the school conseller was gettign mad so she did she tolled my mommy...now things are well i dunno up in teh air, but it is way WAY WAY better to have someone know! its good u want help!` ur body and ur mind is sayign this is nt good i want tto feel better and i want all this pain to go away! dont ingore that LISTIN! ot ur heart!*smile* stay safe!

Re: for those of you who have sought help for your
Posted by jen on Wed Jul 4 21:36:40 2001 (#8394)

a school counsler made me tell my grandmaabout two years ago,she was willing to help me and was willing to talk about it with me. but she died 3 weeks ago. i still live with my grandpa and he doesnt want to admit that i have a problem. he wont say that i cut. he says that i scratch myself when obviousley scrathes dont leave the scars that i have, but whatever. the point is i was kinda glad my nana(grandma knew) but i would rather my grandpa didnt. just becuz he wont help, he freaks at the thought of a pyschiatrist. so he pretends i dont have a problem and its worse than if he just didnt know well thats it i think it is cool that you are ready to get help. stay strong luv jen

Re: for those of you who have sought help for your
Posted by *me* on Thu Jul 5 06:19:59 2001 (#8402)

Hey about the scratching thing, I GET THAT. See one of the reasons I'm worried about telling is bc of my mom. She saw the razor cuts on my thighs once. All she did was ask if I knew my scratches could leave scars. Yah.

Re: for those of you who have sought help for your
Posted by Overcoming-1 on Thu Jul 5 00:37:31 2001 (#8398)

I've said a lot of times, "A good defense is a good offence" Its an old saying and maybe I got it backwards, but what it means to me is that it is better to tell someone than than to wait and get found out. The things is cutting can be dangerous, when you keep it a secret. Do you know how much energy you use up trying to protect a secret. Believe me it takes a lot.

And that energy is better used getting well than staying in the darkness of pain and misery.

I'm not a teenager, and I don't know how your parents will take the news. Maybe you could call a crisis hot line and ask for references of counselors who specialize in dealing with teenager in trouble. Maybe you could get some help that way, then you can have them supporting you when you tell your folks.

Remember this; advise is only suggestions. You can take them and use them or modify them to fit your needs, or throw them out completely.

I don't know your name, "me" could be anybody. But my name is Dawn and I care.

Re: for those of you who have sought help for your
Posted by Sharon on Thu Jul 5 03:56:02 2001 (#8401)

I think that it is definitely very important WHO you tell if you tell anyone. The first person I ever told about the cutting was a friend I've known for awhile. She has been sooo supportive and kind and loving towards me. I don't regret telling her, the only downside is now that I've moved, I don't get to see her much. But when I do get to see her, it's great, and it really helps. The second person I told was one of my best friends, then, a few weeks later, she tells me that she's cutting. I feel like I gave her the idea and most of the time really regret telling her because of the guilt and everything, and then when we talk about it, it can be really discouraging, like we just sit around and (excuse me) bitch a lot of the time. A girl at my school knows, I didn't really tell her, she saw the scars and then I "confessed". She has a problem with bulimia, so she knows how hard it is. She's really supportive and gives me hugs and stuff when I need it =) And then I told my parents one night. I was so angry at something and it just slipped out. I still have mixed feelings about it. At first my mom thought it was only a phase and that someone had given ME the idea. She thought that once we talked about it, life was dandy and I wouldn't cut anymore. BIG mistake. So in a way, I've had to tell her twice. Once to let her know what was going on, and then another time to let her know it wasn't gonna go away just cuz we'd talked about it once. And my mom and me, well, when we're close, we're best friends, when we're not, we're . . . well, not. I hide stuff, she criticizes, etc. So I still don't know how I feel about her knowing. So, if you tell someone, choose carefully who you're gonna tell. In the end though, I think it helps A LOT when someone knows, and then you don't have your guard up all the time. Sometimes it just is too much to carry on your own. Well, this has been a LONG post! So I'll let you go now.

hugs,

Sharon

Thanks to those who replied..plz read
Posted by *me* on Thu Jul 5 06:23:18 2001 (#8403)

Thank you for your support. I don't know what to do still. I'm very confused. I don't know who to tell, if anyone.

Re: Thanks to those who replied..plz read
Posted by girl on Thu Jul 5 10:37:27 2001 (#8410)

i told a friend first she reacted real bad as if it was the worst thing i could have done she was supportive for a while and then it caused a few probs but i dont wanna go there. i told a teacher i thought i trusted and she was great and gave so much love but straight after i tried to commit suicide she refused to see me anymore and that hurt for weeks it still hurts a year on meanwhile i discovered there was someone i could talk to a womann who is now my pretend parent and she is amazing she has been my safety net my energy she rescued from my suicide attempt i have her number we r friends now.all im saying is dont make the mistake i made make sure the person u tell is someone who will b there for u long term and sometimes its easier if they r a grown up.please open up to someone it was a big step coming here in the first place and in a way im proud that ur takin another step forwards we can get out of this somehow im always here for uu 2 e mail if i can help in any way at all love girlxxxxxxx

Re: Thanks to those who replied..plz read
Posted by Maggie on Thu Jul 5 16:06:29 2001 (#8418)

I first told my GP who made me feel really stink and embaressed, but gave me a name of a clinic that deals with such problems. I then told a friend (not a close friend, but someone I could trust) and he was really supportive and pressured me to book an appointment at the clinic.

Going to the clinic was the BEST thing I ever did - I first had a psychiatric assessment and put on medication (which I didn't like) but it did stabilise me and made me feel better. But I also started seeing a psychologist fortnightly who is absolutely WONDERFUL. I have been seeing him for around 7 months now and he really understands SI and I can tell him anything and he doesn't judge me. He helps me understand the reasons for my behaviour and tries to offer solutions - but the best thing he does is just listens. Talking about it with someone you trust, whether a friend or a therapist is VERY important. It dulls that lonliness feeling. Even though I see him just once a fortnight, it's like a check-in point to let out all the frustration of the past few weeks and to start again. I've since told several of my close friends who were great at first, but none of them can really handle it and have either become distant or just avoid it now. Choose your confident carefully - avoiding people who will think they can change you, because they get frustrated when they realise they have little control over what you do. That's why I think a professional therapist is good, coz they don't give up on you.

Good luck... you really need to find someone to talk to.

Luv Maggie.

Re: Thanks to those who replied..plz read
Posted by sara on Fri Jul 6 21:39:20 2001 (#8451)

hello--i told someone last year around this time, well out of the blue she asked me to be honest and then asked me if i hurt myself. i wanted to be honest so i told her yes and then we talked about it over the phone for awhile and then got together the next day to talk in person. she was scared and worried, she is five or six years older than me so she wanted me to be ok and wanted to act like a responsible adult (ironically she is going into clinical social work); and she told me someone to call and talk to. it was hard talking about it, but it was something that needs to be done. when i went back into therapy i knew that i didn't want to be there, but it was something that had to be done. who to tell? well she asked. but i almost told her the day before...but she's someone who has been like my older sister for the last 10 or so years, so it should be someone you completely trust and know will be there for you. good luck, just introduce the person to yourself and be honest, its the best way

sara (fluteme@myownemail.com)

.........................
Posted by *me* on Wed Jul 4 20:39:17 2001 (#8391)

I feel...my feelings are not capable of being described, but I know you understand. I really need to make this pain stop. I don't know how, but it's consuming me. It's taking over everything. It's all I feel every second of every day.

Re: .........................
Posted by jen on Wed Jul 4 21:40:10 2001 (#8395)

this isnt really an encouraging reply but i just wanted to say thats how i feel everyday to, the heaviness that feels like is weighting down your soul. the sadness and anger and frustration that comes from so deep you cant tell where its coming from. i just wanted to let you know you arent alone, maybe that helps, maybe it doesnt, just thought i would tell you luv jen

Re: .........................
Posted by overcoming-1 on Wed Jul 4 22:30:12 2001 (#8397)

Been there done that. Plez read "important" posting. Make it through each second, each minute. Distract yourself, take walks, write, write, write, get it all outside of yourself. It is a poison that is destroying you, eating away at your strenght. give words to it, make it into a picture. Buy a roll of white freezer paper, get lots of magazines and begin cutting out words, pictures, phrases, everything that speaks to your heart, then glue them on the paper. keep adding to it. Mine was 25 ft long and had lots of pictures of scissors and picture of babies and lots and lots or words, words I couldn't speak, but could paste on the paper.

Remeber...You are the one who dictates this... no one else. You pick the word. You pick the pictures. You decide where they go and how they fit together.

It works. Please trust me.... you can get old magazines from the public library. You pick them yourself. This is your project and it works. Love ya Dawn...email me

Important!!!!PLEZ Read....Its a new day
Posted by Overcoming-1 on Wed Jul 4 22:15:55 2001 (#8396)

Ralph Waldo Emerson said,"Finish each day and be done with it... You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely."

That was on a plaque I bought at Goodwill yesterday. It touched something inside me so I bought it for a triffle. Now that last night is past it means even more.

When we are in dire misery it seems the misery will last a liftime, and our minds fight against the thought. Our number one goal is to end our misery.... and to do so as soon as possible.

My best advise to myself first and then to the rest of you is do the best you can each moment. If the best is cutting to distract, detach, or transfer internal pain into physical pain than do it, but do it safely.... and you will so see that the pain is like the weather here is Oregon..... "if you don't like it.... wait 5 minutes and it will change.

Our misery is ever changing. Did you know that? I've found it to be true.

I see my therapist every two week. Sometimes something will happen to wig me out shortly after I saw her and by the time I see her again it isn't an issue.

I used to think I needed to see her every day. When bits and pieces of memory returned in the form of flashbacks I had to deal with them on my own. And I dealt with them the best way I could, by cutting, by leaving my body and all its memories and floating up into a corner of my apartment.... like I used to do when I was raped. I'd feel the sadness and the unpowerlessness, but mostly sadnesss.

I married the first man who didn't rape me. Only that safeness with him only lasted a few very short days. But in those few days I convinced my heart he didn't rape me because he loved me.... and no matter what he did after that I held onto that belief that the man raping me, taking picture of me, having me dress like a whore, wanting me to let our dogs clean me up.... he still was the man I gave my heart to.

I fought tooth and nail to keep my marriage intack. Until 16 years later when he spoke the words, "ain't nobody, or nothing is coming between me and my beer" His stating that was the key that unlocked the chain I had wrapped so tightly around him I wouldn't let him go. Those words broke my broken heart, then my kids said they wanted to live with him. That shattered my heart

And that all transpired before my breakdown. Remembering being molested in diapers, by a uncle, a cousin, neighbor-boys, strangers, rapings by gangs of service men, bikers, anyone, everyone that wanted to.... that shattered me into so many pieces I felt like Humpty Dumpty. For months I searched for a HD doll. But when I finally found one I realized Humpty Dumpty was a male.... and I hated men.... But one day I found a Mrs Humpty Dumpty and to this day she hangs from a thumb tack in my bedroom. A reminder of where I've been and how Jesus Christ and a lot of miserable days filled with cutting, crying, praying, and writing out my life... story by story, pain by pain. I am no longer shattered in a gazillion pieces. Now I am a woman with a three children who love her again, a dog I delight in, and a male friend who moved hundreds of miles just because I asked him to.

Healing happens. you just might have to wade through a lot of shit to get there. Hang in there each and every one of you. Use my email. You can tell me anything. I'll listen.... I may give advise.... but you know I can just listen if that's what you want from me. You just need to tell me. Love you all. overcoming-1

Re: Important!!!!PLEZ Read....Its a new day
Posted by girl on Thu Jul 5 10:10:37 2001 (#8407)

all i can say is thank you, for your bravery and achievments and yourself. love girlxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxx

Re: Important!!!!PLEZ Read....Its a new day
Posted by emm on Thu Jul 5 16:52:45 2001 (#8419)

thankyou. what you wrote has made me feel like im worth a million.

i retirned from holiday yesterday and the first thing i did was go and see my friend. to me shes my best friend.i never thought i was hers as shes 5 yrs older and probarbly has older and better friends. but as soon as she saw my walking down the road, she put on the brakes, jumped out the car and hugged me. she parked the car and walked with me to feed my horse.

all the way she told me how much she missed me(even though its been 7 days) and that she hoped i'd never leave her again.

i now feel that i do have my life back. i have what ive always wanted. a true best friend. someone who was not afraid to tell the whole world that she had her friend back.

i remember when i was really ill, praying and hoping that one day i would have a best friend. someone to talk to, listen to, and laugh to. now that i have that, im complete.

i hope everyone will fine what i have.

alway remember that friendship is priceless dont abandon it.

i dont cut anymore but i will still be around for advice.

please please help me i dont want to lose her
Posted by girl on Thu Jul 5 10:45:29 2001 (#8411)

hmmm im scared i think im losing my pretend parent and i dont want to i need her and shes amazing and shes been there for me the whole time and now maybe i was wrong for some of the things i did maybe we both over stepped the line but shes drifting and i cant lose her not now i cant do it without her of fuck i dont want this to happen at all.i lost someone who said they were a pretend parent but she cant love me bcos she left me but i cant lose her she wa my center now shes a parent a friend i cant lose her. what can i do?maybe im selfish maybe its my fault .girl

Re: please please help me i dont want to lose her
Posted by Linda on Thu Jul 5 14:21:09 2001 (#8412)

Awwwww...Maybe you are overreacting. Maybe she just got busy with her own life and some things need her attention. Maybe she will be back to herself soon. Please just relax and wait a little while. I will be praying.

Re: please please help me i dont want to lose her
Posted by Rabbit on Fri Jul 6 01:17:21 2001 (#8426)

I know how you feel about the need for a "nother mother" or a pretend parent of some sort. I spent many years going through a series of these people only to be left unsatisfied and still broken. It's hard. Are you sure she's pulling away, or could it be that she just needs some time to attend to her own life right now? It may have nothing to do with you, and it may be totally temporary. It also may be that she just needs a break. I don't now how intense your relationship has become, but this is a hard role for someone to assume. Do not take that as a reflection on you. It would be hard to take on that role for anyone, and sometimes a person just needs a breather. Try talking to her in a calm rational way. Don't be accusing or desperate. Try casually bringing it up and hearing where she's coming from. If you can communicate your love for her and even your need for her but at the same time understand and respect her need for space, you will probably both be more comfortable in the relationship. Let me know how it turns out.

an experience
Posted by emm on Thu Jul 5 15:04:05 2001 (#8414)

for the last week ive been on holiday with 8 friends.Val Thorens in france(a village on top of the tallest mountain in france)when we left we were all excited and still when we got there.the first night we just slept. the next morning we woke and went to the shop as we had no food. it was shut and would be for the next 4 days.shit! the others shared the remaining pasta. i didnt eat at all as i thought it was more important for the others.anyway.on the last night,my closest friend was pissed any we went round the circle telling our worst moment. she said she used to cut(well scratch and drink stuff too) oh my god!!!!!!!! i ended up telling the group too and most we fine with it. they said they didnt undrstand but they would still treat me the same and try to be there for me!!! it made me feel grate. i now know that my friend knows what it feels like and can understand! why not try letting it out. Emm!

Re: an experience
Posted by overcoming-1 on Thu Jul 5 23:15:59 2001 (#8422)

I am glad you were able to tell people you cut and that even though they don't really understand they remain your friends. I hope you did eat something, even a crust of bread. oh well, you survived, to the end and came back to tell us.

I bet the veiw from the mountain top was spectacular. The only country I've been to out of the US is Mexico and I was only 5 and don't remember it.

Mountain top experiences are wonderful, they are an experience apart from the everyday hassles. I hope that where ever home is for you that you will stay safe and remember that we are here for you. Love Dawn

leaving school?
Posted by emm on Thu Jul 5 23:35:14 2001 (#8423)

ive just finished my gcse's and for ages i had wanted to stay at school and do a levels and then go on to collage.... but befor the exams it was sugested to me that i should try going to an equine collage. since then this has sounded fab and i really wanted to go. but now suddenly i feel like i miss my old school and all my old friends. all the teachers know my and some know my problems.

i feel that if i leave, the problems will start but there will be no one to understand and help (at school anyway)

am i being petty or should i consider staying?

ps. sorry its not really relavant to you guys!

emma

Re: leaving school?
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 6 00:02:43 2001 (#8425)

Emm, I haven't been on this board long enough to know the rules of ediqute. But this I do know. When we go through changes there is stress and cutters have a dificult time with change and stress, even good stress.

You sound like you are from the UK. But your delimna is no different ones I've had to deal with.

Yes, I'm old, but I started a college education when I was 35 and have changed colleges many times. My experience tells me to go with my gut. And to do so I have to get alone and get quite, and let the Spirit of God guide.

The last time I went to college, about two and a half years ago I let counselors dictate to me what I should do and I wigged out at the first exam in Algebra and went home and cut myself very bad.

God and you are the experts on you. Going to a new school may have its draw back, lack of support initially, but it may be a new start down a better path then the one your on. The important thing is where are you the safest. God Bless You In Your Decision.... Dawn

Re: leaving school?
Posted by girl on Fri Jul 6 18:45:26 2001 (#8444)

i am trying to deciide exactly the same thing at the moment i cant decide if i should just drop all the ties i have and go and start again cos i ve sure fucked up my past or wheter i should stay and see how it goes.....sorry that doesnt help with ur decision but hey we r at similar stages !!!e mail me if u want love girl

I made it......happy birthday to me
Posted by overcoming-1 on Thu Jul 5 23:47:32 2001 (#8424)

Another year... and still I'm alive. You may think this is egotistic, applauding myself for having a birthday. But if you've read many of my postings and responses you would have a hint of why I am amazed to still be alive. Maybe you are the reason, maybe someone else on the board is the reason. I only know that God led me to this place. But I have to admit my birthday is special to me. Why I don't know.

When I was but six years old an older sister told me I was found under a rock. And I believed her. She also introduced me to a word I had never heard before "illegitamate" When I arrived home crying Mama told me I was special, I was planned. Hearing my mother say something kind like that stayed with me my entire life, because I can remember only one other time she spoke up and said something kind to me.

I don't know how many of you read my postings, perhaps some read them and forget or pass them on by. Well that is your previlidge. My previlidge is to say what is on my heart.

I am a cutter who a few years ago was in so much misery I did not want to be alive and attempted suicide so many times the head psychaiatrist wanted to put me in a group home. And if they had I would not be here. That is for certain. I'm too independent.

Throughout my life the only one who had my back as they say was Jesus Christ. But he gave me and everyone else the gift of free will and my free will led me down roads that led to rape, molestation, ridicule, and gut wrenching misery.

Everyday of my life I battle a demon that says everything that happened to me was my fault and I'd be better off dead. And every second Jesus reminds me of his words to me the day I gave up living my life the way I saw fit. He said, "I died to make you worthy!"

I've walked and hitchhiked down lots of roads that led to pain and saddness, before I found the road that leads to life. It isn't just a Christian walk lived like a saint....trust me I am no saint... never have been and apart from Christ never will be. But I started down to road of recovery ...from myself..... from my past.... from mistakes I've made.

And I'm still alive. And today I turned 49. Not because of anything I've done other than hanging in there one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time..... whatever came at me. I've made it to another mile stone of life. Sure I've wearing a bandaid over a wound I made the other day... but I'm alive and that is what matters.

I only hope that you young one's live as long. God bless you all with a good day... Dawn

Re: I made it......happy birthday to me
Posted by Rabbit on Fri Jul 6 01:19:01 2001 (#8427)

Happy Birthday! I'm glad that you made it one more year. :)

Re: I made it......happy birthday to me
Posted by lindsey on Fri Jul 6 01:37:39 2001 (#8428)

i thinits good u congradulate ur self:) i dont do that and i do always thingk that everyday-one more day that i made it:) im really happy for u!~ iknow u can make it until god says its ur time which will be along time :D

Re: I made it......happy birthday to me
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jul 6 02:14:06 2001 (#8430)

This day should be important to you. YOu've worked really hard to get to this point in your life and you deserve to be happy about it! I hope you enjoyed the card I sent you. Tara helped me pick it out. Keep battling and fighting for yourself and know that we all care about you and love you. Love, Rhonda

Re: I made it......happy birthday to me
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 6 05:30:54 2001 (#8434)

I'm very very very proud of you. Happy happy birthday.

Lots and lots of love

Re: I made it......happy birthday to me
Posted by emm on Fri Jul 6 12:53:57 2001 (#8439)

hia dawn!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! let me tell you i am proud of you as well,and always gratefull for your posts. i have read all of them and taken each to heart. i have found your words to be inspirational and comforting.

congratulations and well done! were all looking out for you !

lots of hugs Emma xxxx

Re: I made it......happy birthday to me
Posted by girl on Fri Jul 6 18:36:58 2001 (#8442)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY you have made it!!!!!whooooo !!!!! keep going hun-e this life is too good to miss sometimes keep going for the good times keep going for the smiles :)

love girl

hello, good news everyone!!!
Posted by lys on Fri Jul 6 01:50:38 2001 (#8429)

well, I am doing well right now. This morning, I was horrible, and my social worker was going to take me to the hospital, but then I was talking to my dad (in my social workers office) and could hear my little sister in the background. I started crying and my social worker gave me a big hug, and I am at home for the night. I am going into semi independent living in a month or so, which means I am living on my own with community mental health supports.

So, I am going to be living on my own very soon, and here is the really good news: I haven't cut in 5 days. I am so impressed with myself!! It is the longest in a while. So, I have to go because my sister wants to show me a harry potter website, so everyone take care.

ps- I am refraining from reading most messages because I cannot have triggers right now. So, everyone take care, and I will try to respond to as many as I can.

I broke the five days of no cutting...
Posted by lys on Fri Jul 6 03:41:10 2001 (#8432)

well, I cut, and I am going to some more. I may as well you know? I have already started! sorry, I just had to tell someone. take care, lyssie

Re: I broke the five days of no cutting...
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 6 04:35:30 2001 (#8433)

I hope you won't cut too deep. I know the power of cutting. If I know I'm going to need stitches I cut more after talking to my doctor before I go to the hospital. I know it screams more, more, more. But you have to stop someday or more won't be enough.

What do you need? And what do you need from me? Well maybe this will help. Go to www.alighthouse.com and click on You're valuable only forget the part that says "if you cry you cry along" because it isn't true. I'm crying with you right now and I don't even know you. But I've been where you are and I know its tough to stop once you start. Love Dawn

LYS!!!
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 6 05:36:51 2001 (#8435)

Hey sweetie! Don't feel bad about the cutting, 5 days is really good, just be careful. It's nice to see some of the old regulars here. I looove all the new ppl, but I've certainly missed the ones who've left. Welcome back.

Lots of love

Re: LYS!!!
Posted by girl on Fri Jul 6 18:40:39 2001 (#8443)

hey 5 days is a fab start!!! this isnt failure this is a set back u can do it. please u sound like a flicker of hope to me in this darkness thank you!!!!!!!!!!11

love girlxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: LYS!!!
Posted by lys on Sat Jul 7 01:12:02 2001 (#8454)

well, I cut up my legs pretty good last night, but right now that is the least of my worries. Right now I am at my parents, and I am remembering why I didn't want to being living here before. Now I feel so trapped, an I am desperate to get ahold of my case manager to make sure that I can still go back to my foster home, because although it is isolated there, I am alone here too, with just my family around. I never see people. I really need to be somewhere where I can get around (which I can't really at my foster home or at my parents), and I need to have a day program put in place. I know I won't last 2 months at my foster home, but I don't think I will last the weekend here. I a kind of screwed either way, I think it is just the difference of that being at my foster home will get them to hurry up with the semi independent living program. I am going to go back there though, because my foster mom is saying that I am still able to, but I have to go tonight. I hate screwing everyone around like this, but there are really no options for me. I am just trying to figure out the BEST of the shitty. anyways, sorry I keep going off like this. I may not be around too often because I don't think I will have the internet at my foster parents.

take care, lyssie

We are all valuable and deserve kindness
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 6 05:46:30 2001 (#8436)

It is dificult to write through tears. This message board has its good and bad points. The bad is so many are suffering and words don't make the pain disappear.

I read all the nice responses to my last posting then read the message after mine and I was glad for her five days, then read the response to her message and tears of sorrow began to flow. We are all so valuable. But it is so difficult assimulate that to our inner being.

I have a wireless keyboard, and discovered I could program the function keys as short cuts to files. I looked and saw a V above a key and pressed it and was amazed to read "YOU'RE VALUABLE" appearing across the screen. It is from a web site: www.alighthouse.com

I don't remember who sent me the message or when I flagged it on my function key. But I thought many of you could use a pick me up for your mind.

Somehow someone, or some experience told us we were unvaluable, unlovable, unwanted, unworthy of love, kindness, and gentleness.

I spent over three years piecing together my life, where I lived, when, who did what to me and now I know how I got so messed up. But many, probably most, of you do not know where, when, and who got you so filled with misery. It is tough enough when you know, but it is tougher when all you feel is miserable. I don't know the right words to help you grasp that you are being lied to when the voice inside you says you deserve punishment just for being who you are.

I can only tell you I've listened to the lies, many my own mother told me, but it doesn't matter who told them to you they are still lies.

I don't think there is a person on here who believes the lies about you except maybe you. Just as you don't believe the lies that have been told them, except them.

There is One who loves each of you, and me, who loves us so much that He gave his life to take away all punishment we deserve, and in its place he gives us eternal life, but it is a gift we have to believe in and receive. I can only open my heart and tell you about the gift, but it is like if I held out a gift box with a pretty ribbon on it and said this is for you. If you did not take it into your hands and unwrap it you would not know the joy the gift could bring you.

I can only tell you that I struggle everyday with the same feelings you feel, and the same urge to cut away the pain. But I learned that I can not bleed enough to make the things that happened to me disappear. No matter how many times I tell it the story of my life is the same. Its not going to go away. I can only pray that God give me the strength to stand strong when the flashbacks and memories come, or when stress weakens my reserve not to cut again.

But I know that even when I weaken God still loves me and he loves you to. And so do I... stay safe...love Dawn

Re: We are all valuable and deserve kindness
Posted by Linda on Fri Jul 6 14:28:54 2001 (#8440)

(((((Dawn))))))Thank you for being here. You are saying the same things I have been saying for 16 months and it is so good to hear it from someone who KNOWS what these precious people are going through. I have spent MANY hours reading posts and crying and praying and though I can offer the hope yet still I know that many think that it would work for me because I have never gone through this pain but their story is different. Thank you for being there to make it all real!

Re: We are all valuable and deserve kindness
Posted by girl on Fri Jul 6 18:48:43 2001 (#8445)

i wish i could believe really i do in my heart i just cant im so sorry so very sorry.

I really really missed you lyssi :(
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Jul 6 08:50:21 2001 (#8438)

Oh my God! where have you been??? I called awhile ago and I was told you no longer lived there and I had no way of getting hold of you and it really sucked.

Any-who please call me sometime I miss you and would like to talk. by the way I haven't cut for a few months now. (but it doesn't mater because now I sit in the dark curled in a corner decaying my mind and robbing it of all hope)(but that's not important)

Any-who2 please call me.

Drew :(

three whole months, waisted
Posted by emm on Fri Jul 6 16:09:11 2001 (#8441)

hi, its me, emma. up untill now ive been really good and i hadnt cut for nearly 3 months. i thought i was cured. but for no reason today i suddenly felt this strong erg to cut even though theres no real reason. its all lost. im not cured at all. how could this have happened, i was so sure that i had changed and that i would be the one to give the advice.what am i going to tell my friend. she thought it was all over but now i am going to have to tell her that ive ruined it all.

what if i go back . any advice please.

Emma xxx

Re: three whole months, waisted
Posted by girl on Fri Jul 6 18:52:39 2001 (#8446)

ive gone back it was cold and dark and i didnt like it one bit id forgotten how bad it can be. i fucked up and i wanted more and more till it wasnt enough then i scared myself. please this isnt the end this is not failure because u did soooo long and im so proud that u did it bcos it shows u can kick this even if i cant u can!!!!!!! love girl

Re: three whole months, waisted
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jul 7 07:49:32 2001 (#8460)

Emm darling. it isn't over. I give good advise, write pros and poetry, and I'm wearing a bandaid on my arm. Sometimes we hit a bump in the road and we fall a little. It isn't over. Oh,I gotta go. I have a thing I need to post. Read it please. Love your friend Dawn.

Re: three whole months, waisted
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 7 16:32:16 2001 (#8467)

Emma, There is really no way you can be cured in just 3 months. It sure would be nice though, huh? If your friend really cares about you, she will understand. No one decides overnight to cut, so it can't be cured in such a short time. there are usually some reasons or a reason that this happens. Please don't feel that you have wasted 3 months cause you haven't. That's 3 months you DIDN'T cut. That shows you can do it. You can be strong. Anyway, I hope this helps some. Know that I care about you and what happens to you. Love, Rhonda

my end.....
Posted by black rose on Fri Jul 6 19:56:11 2001 (#8447)

sry I haven't been here the last few days everything is so hecktic! everything around me makes me feel soo uncontrolable and numb that whatever I do doesn't make a difference and I can't do things right! My urge to cut has grown bigger than ever and has brought me back to the feeling of my suicide attempt! the urge is soo big that I wanna die now and nothing can stop me...nothing can possibly control the over flowing feelings of hate, anger, and the loss of self-consciousness! My mind has a million thoughts streaming faster and faster! I can no longer make sense of ne thing ne more! everything is spiraling downward and bringing me w/it! should I stop the urge by cutting until there is no pain just stitches and scars to get rid of the numbing feeling over my life or should I just end it all and ceese to breathe! no matter what I'll remain full of life and in control for a few moments...something worth all the pain! I am unworthy of living and no matter how hard ppl try I can never get it thru to me that they're here for me...cuz all I can think of is ending the pain! my pathetic attempt for a last suicide prevention for myself is useless and a waste of ur time! by the time u get this I'll either be wallowing in my self-pitty spiraling into oblivion or lying in my own puddle of blood as a lifeless soul freed and ending all pain that was!

Re: my end.....
Posted by *me* on Fri Jul 6 20:24:05 2001 (#8448)

Christine, you ARE worthy of living and WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. You are a wonderful, kind person who deserves a lot more than life has handed you. And I know those feelings are telling you all kinds of bad things, because I have those feelings too. But try not to listen to them (I know it's hard, I really do. I know that you may not think that I understand, and in all honesty I can't say that I KNOW what you're going through, because I can't know exactly what you're feeling, but I CAN relate to similar feelings). Please know that I love you and care about you and want you to stay here with us. Please be safe.

Lots of love

you can get past this
Posted by lys on Sat Jul 7 01:29:31 2001 (#8455)

I have seen the messages you have posted here, on this board, and I see someone with massive amounts of courage and compassion and strength. I know you can get past this moment, and I know you can make it to another day. You have the strength, and the ability. Ask anyone else here, and they can tell you the same. Right now, I know it seems that you have fallen and can never move forward again, but all you need to do is stand and you will realise that you can walk. It is a lot easier said than done, but I know you can do it. Just try. please take care, lyssie

please dont leave us
Posted by emm on Fri Jul 6 22:35:43 2001 (#8452)

BLACK ROSE !!!!!

dont start drifting down that road. i know i was feeling like that earlier but you cant think like that. i need your words of advice when im feeling low and i wouldnt know what to do without you. ive noticed you havent been posting for a few days and i have definatly missed you.

your a wonderful person, always looking out for others. ful of kindness,and compassion.

no matter what anyone else says you are worth more than you can imagin. death is not the answer.nothing will be gained or proved, it just means you have given in and lost the battle. dont give up, things will get better.

its ashame i cant speak to you in person cos it would be nice to actually yalk to someone in the same boat.

anyway. dont give up . keep your faith and trust in yourself and things will seem better tomorow.

many hugs Emma xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx

Re: my end.....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 7 16:37:06 2001 (#8468)

Christine, I know you can be strong. You've given so much support to so many others now let us give you support. I care about you girl. You are a major part of this board and so many people listen to you. YOu offer encouragement and help to the others. Please take one day at a time. I know you can make it through this. I'll be praying for you tonight. Love, Rhonda

Re: my end.....
Posted by Tara on Sat Jul 7 21:39:50 2001 (#8470)

hey black rose,

i know how it feels.i have been having some really bad urges here lately.it is not easy to get through them.in fact if i would have found my razor,i probaly would have cut and ended my no cutting streek.sometimes when i am in my room i just wish that i would stop breathing or something.you probaly know how i feel and what i am talking about.a couple of nights ago i relived my rape through my dreams.i could not wake up either.i don't know why.the next day i was at the house by myself and i found a razor and i sat there for atleast 15 to 20 minets just staring at it deciding if i should cut or not.i wish now that i would have.i want to cut so bad that i can taste it.i can almost taste the blood running down my arm and the blade slicing through my skin.i hate myself for it to.i have done so good for so long and now i am wanting it more.i do anything to keep my hands moving so that they won't try to pick up a knife or a razor.i had better go for now.

LOVE YOUR FRIEND,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

You bleed just to know you're alive
Posted by Sharon on Fri Jul 6 21:17:36 2001 (#8449)

Last night I cut for again after going good for 20 days. That's the longest I've gone cutfree in awhile. And it was so ridiculous too, it wasn't like anything really upset or triggered me or anything. I was . . . numb, actually. I've been feeling that way for awhile lately. Nothing really matters, that sort of feeling, like I really don't care what tomorrow brings or anything. I don't really get mad, or depressed, or hurt or anything, I just . . . don't feel. So I cut to make sure that I was still there. I cut and bled to make sure that I could still feel something. But I didn't really care about that either. Usually, after Ic ut, i feel guilty, relieved, depressed, etc. This time it was just like, "Ok, I just cut, no biggie." It didn't feel right and it didn't feel wrong, I just didn't care. God, this is so screwed up.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: You bleed just to know you're alive
Posted by Dawn overcoming-1 on Sat Jul 7 08:54:36 2001 (#8462)

Sharon, I know exactly how you "don't feel", and you and I are not the only ones feeling, numb, empty, nothing. Sometimes I turn off all the lights, the tv, radio, whatever, and I recline in my chair and be real still and I actually feel the emptiness of my apartment. It is as if I'm not here.

Have I cut for NO REASON, you bet... dozens and dozens of times. Did it change anything? only temporaily. It is part of having boreline personality disorder. I'm not saying you are borderline, that is for you mental health care people to decide. But one day when I was on suicide watch a worker handed me a book after talking with me.

I saw me on the cover. The book is titled "Life At The Border" by Leland M Heller M.D. Around the border of the front cover from top left clockwise are these symptoms: Unstable Relationships, empty, can't trust, too much anger, Don't want to live, pain, feeling numb, black/white thinking, who am I?, what do I want?, drugs and alcohol, binge spending, "lose it under stress", impulsive, bored, fear of abandonment, binge eating, self-hate, feeling worthless, poor memory, self-destruction, bad pms, mood swinds.

At one time of my life or the other every one of those symptoms fit. I read those words, wrote down the author's name and address, and when I got home I wrote to him and bought the book. I didn't have to have a doctor tell me this was me. My gut did. the funny thing is it was already in my folder, but no one had mentioned it to me because my post-traumatic-stresss disorder was running a muck.

You see in 1995 when my first granddaughter was born I felt thirsty and my vision was blured, and some other physical things were going on in me. Then I learned I have diabetes, that all the sypmtoms I had been suffering with had a name.

In 1989 I was going to a community college studying to be a counselor. As part of the process we had to learn about repressed memories, depression, and PTSD. I also was taking classes about counseling the sexually abused. I did excellent grade wise, but it was the straw that broke my mind open to my life.

It is funny to think I went to college to find out I was mentally ill. As a poem goes, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Knowing what was wrong gave me the knowledge of how to fix it. But it isn't finished. When I wig out my brains fly out the window and I cease to be logical. I am in the midst of my illnesses and can't decipher which disorder it is. I just wig out and if I need to cut I cut and get it over with and treated.

For me knowing I have something real give me power to resist cutting and do whatever it takes to get better.

But I'll tell you the most incredible part was finding a friend who would come and be with me when I needed someone to keep me safe...and it happened to be a man.. and old man. I was 43 and he was almost 62, or something like that. But he was available to talk to, to keep me out of the hospital when I did cut, and to hold me when I cried.

We all need friends like that. As they say at the end of AA and NA meetings; Take what you want (of what I've shared) and leave the rest. love Dawn

Re: You bleed just to know you're alive
Posted by ChrisE on Sat Jul 7 16:57:02 2001 (#8469)

I kind of know where you're coming from. Last night I was actually happy. Nothing at all happened to piss me off. Then suddenly and for no reason that I can fathom, I've slashed my wrist again. Twice close together, so I can't fix it in any way. Not a suicide attempt. The night's a bit hazy now, but as far as I can make it it was like, ok, been a while since I cut properly... fuck it, might as well. Pretty pissed off when I woke this morning, but now I just don't care. What's the point in worrying about it? I've done it before, I'll do it again. So I can't fix my arm - so what? It's not gonna kill me. What's a few more scars? It is quite strange being so detached about it. You can follow the route I took when I went for a wander after cutting by the trail of blood that followed me. I look at that, yet it doesn't evoke any kind of response in me. I'm absolutely certain that one day I will accidentally kill myself. Yet that too is meaningless.

Hmm. I'm sure I had a point when I started this. Guess it's just, you're not alone. Maybe we all become numb to this in the end.

hurting
Posted by katie on Fri Jul 6 21:33:28 2001 (#8450)

hello everyone I'm so fucking pissed off right now I had nowhere else to go. My best friend told this guy I am madly in love with all these things about me. He told him about my cutting and said that I cut myself when he doesn't call, which is one of the biggest lies I've ever heard b/c when I cut its for more then a lack of phone calls from a guy. My "best friend" also went on to say how he shoul skip taking me to dinner b/c I'll just throw up afterr words anyways, I don't think the fact that I have an eating dissorder should keep a guy taking me out or a way for him to save a couple of bucks. So any ways I've sliced the hell out of myself fand I'm friendless b/c the one person I thought I had to help me just fucked me over! I should just go jump off a bridge and drowned then I wouldn't have to deel with peoples stupid shit sorr this is long if you read it I just needed to talk to some one. I hope everyone is doing better then me,stay strong ~katie

Re: hurting
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sat Jul 7 00:44:02 2001 (#8453)

You're "madly in love with" him??????

You sound young so I'll let you in on a little secrit. It's only love if the other person can return it. Otherwise it's just obsession. I know it can be hard to hear (more so to admit) but most likely you're just obsessed, infatuated if you will by some "cute guy".

You need to calm down and realize that it's not worth killing yourself over and accept that "love" (intoxication) is fickle and was never ment to be achieved by people for happyness, but mearly fulfilment.

Also you'll notice I stated "intoxication" in the above in refrance to love. That's because love is an abnormality in the brain causeing it to realese chemicals that make us act/think stupidly. (That's just my opinon though and I'm bitter.)

As for you're best friend, my advice is just stop talking to them. Sorry if this isn't much help, ther're just my views.

Drew.

pms much, drew?
Posted by lys on Sat Jul 7 01:43:53 2001 (#8456)

wow. I never knew one person could be that bitter. Drew, you need to let it go!!! (by the way, I am really hyper and just joking when I say this). Anyways, katie: Your friend fucked up royally. you have 3 options as for what to do about this guy you like. 1: jump off the bridge. Most likely, it won't help. it will just make everyoe here miss you and I am sure there are other people around you who will too. And that way, you will never get a guy, especially the one you want right now. or 2: you can talk to the guy. Tell him your side and just basically do damage control. This way, you stand a chance at least, and it also saves you from lying to him later or nasty 'discoveries' if things do work out. and 3: ignore him. You could just say forget it, ignore the guy, and find someone else.

now, as far as your friend goes, I think you 2 need to talk. Not necessarily to work things out but mainly just to get closure if things can't work out. Loose strings are the cause of a lot of pain. And who knows? Maybe he was just trying to help you with this guy by gaining sympathy! (not condoning the behaviour, just guessing at reasons). so, figure out how to deal with the guy. Remember that two-legged creatures with penises are everywhere, so you needn't worry too much if this one escapes (humour me, I am losing it and therefore incrediably fucked up). But friends are something to hold to. try to work it out. it may be worth it!!

take care, and let me know what happens if you want!

Re: hurting
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jul 7 16:21:53 2001 (#8466)

Katie, I'm sorry your so-called friend did this to you. You might think about talking to her and find out what is going on. She sounds like SHE is bitter about something. As far as the guy goes, talk to him. Let him know that yeah, you do cut, but he's not the reason.I hope he listens to you. I have been madly in love with my husband for almost 20 years, but he returns my love3 times over! If this guy returns your love, then work on it. If not, he may not be the one for you. You've always heard that anyone in a relationship must give 50-50 for it to work. WRONG!!!!!! It takes 110% of yourself to make a relationship or marriage work. I know. If I would have just given half the effort in my marriage, we would be divorced by now. So find out where this guy really stands on the two of you. I'm always here to listen. Love, Tara's Mom (Rhonda)

custard weasels
Posted by necrosis on Sat Jul 7 04:15:12 2001 (#8457)

self pity is the square root of reality. Show me a mathematician that understands life! When all feels lost - 1 plus one is holocaust.

Objective is the saint that preaches virtue. Transcendental beings sin against feelings. They say nature is a vice - Plato is a cunt

Vulgar words scratched in stale,dry blood. Your disgust in my language is a sweet bitter irony. Bitter is your sanctimonious ignorance, sweet is the scent of deliverance.

All religions are built upon faith Faith is a terminally ill child that dreams of a miracle man.

How irrational is a logic that tells us we are an incurable disease until we are dead? Why live? Religion is suicide. Only in its murder are we free of us or ourselves

History mourns for the future

Plato is a Cunt.

(apologies for language - but that's sarcasm for you!) - just a rabble of nonsense due to late nights & booze. Sleep well!!!!!!!. Love you all - unless you're crap of course x

xxxxx

Re: custard weasels
Posted by Linda on Sat Jul 7 05:15:54 2001 (#8458)

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:6 "But without faith it is impossible to please him; for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him." Romans 10: 17 "So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God."

cuts
Posted by like i am gonna say my name on Sat Jul 7 07:36:42 2001 (#8459)

waht the point of living n e way?

Re: cuts
Posted by Dawn overcoming-1 on Sat Jul 7 09:16:03 2001 (#8463)

The point of living is to give and receive love from God and for other people. He made you for the purpose of knowing you. We are on this message board to give and receive support.

I've thought of taking my life many times, tried many times, but after I acted on my feelings I called for help because I didn't really want to not exist anymore. I just wanted the pain and misery to end.

I've discovered there are things in my life now that are delightful. Yes I said delightful. If I lived for no other reason than to watch my dog play with her food, or her balls, or to have her need to be near me that would be enough.

But that was not always so. I have three children who I was going kill when they were teens. I was actually in the process of beating my son, with no intention of stopping until he was dead. My children are now adults and have a hard time with my cutting and suicidal thoughts, but they love me.... me the mother who intended to take their lives.

My daugters have children of their own and things are hard for them. But they have lives and are living them. If God had not spoke to me they and myself would have been dead.

And that was before my meltdown. I have not attempted suicide for over two years, but I keep medication I'm no longer on in my cupboard in case I decide I can't live in my body, with my memories, and the knowledge they have brought me.

But for tonight. The point of living for me is to support those on this board who are not in a good place. Why, you might ask... the answer is easy. I've been there.... and I know that if you hang in there things will get better.

Re: cuts
Posted by Sharon on Sat Jul 7 21:45:09 2001 (#8471)

We humans are strange, y'know? We need an answer for everything we do or feel. I've asked myself the reason for living, for loving, for being many times and I have never found an answer that truly satisfies me. Maybe that's cuz I'd rather bitch about it than be satisfied, I don't know. But regardless of the fact that I don't have an answer, I still live, I still love, and I still exist. And yes, sometimes I am happy. And I don't need a reason to be anymore. If I try to rationalize my life or my happiness, I end up worse off than before. So just be, just exist, just breathe for this moment and this moment alone. Sometimes it comes down to a choice; will you take your past, your scars, your hurts, and be happy anyway? Or will you let them destroy you? And sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to make that choice, sometimes you don't, but the choice is always there.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: cuts
Posted by Alana on Mon Jul 9 21:02:28 2001 (#8507)

There is no fuckin point. I just lost a friend to suicide.....there's no reason why someone should have to go through that. I wish I would just die.