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Threads 2501 to 2550

just a day in the life of...
Posted by linzee on Tue Aug 28 04:20:12 2001 (#9996)

i....i... want everyone( my mom mostly) to stop talking about my cutting and pretend it never happend just drive me to my therpy appts and thats it maybe but then i want to pretend i never started, but i dont know how to tell her. shes keeps saying "until we get through this crisis" this is hardly a crisiS! im feel calm and relaxed when i cut adn ive been open about it since may now so the hard part is over and its just life now i cut i go to therpy nothing new, just another day in teh life of lindsey roberts.

Re: just a day in the life of...
Posted by *poi§on on Tue Aug 28 16:13:09 2001 (#10003)

I feel the exact same way! my parents are all about the cutting and i just want them to leave it alone, i know that it worries them and that they are scared and care about me but it makes me want to cut more when they keep asking, how i did that day, or if they can check my arms, or if i'm safe, or if i have any razors, and it's almost like they are setting me up to lie to them, i'm not going to be like "yeah i have a ton of razors in my room" because obviously they will want them. and one of my parents biggest pet peeves is lying, so i just kinda play along i suppose...try to stay out of their way as much as possible.

~Amanda~

if ne 1 noticed...though doubt they did....
Posted by black rose on Tue Aug 28 04:22:19 2001 (#9997)

I was gone for the past few weeks...with reason...I really really need to stop cutting and I keep finding new and better things to cut w/everytime I try to stop! well I use this board as therapy at times when I need it cuz I can't bring myself to call or talk to someone else! I also can't stand *fighting or arguments* they go on 24/7 in my house so I try to avoid them as much as possible right now! I've also been running out of things to say to ppl...I lost my meds about a week ago and I keep getting more and more depressed...I don't want school to start next week cuz I know I can't handle the stress...I'm already loosing it again!!! I've decided to "screw" my bf this weekend and I don't know what to tell him about all my scars so I decided not to make new 1's so I wouldn't have to explain myself but I still dunno what I'm gonna say about the old 1's!! I'm slowly going insane ad it's picking up speed!I g2g 4 now! *hugs* Christine

o yea...I read everyone's posts but I can't get back to them now sry! and I read Lindsey's report about the SI and how she wanted to end it by rolling up her sleeves...that's what I was planning to do for my report this year for my psychology (or whatever u wanna call it) class! weird huh!

Re: if ne 1 noticed...though doubt they did....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 29 01:30:21 2001 (#10009)

Hey Christine, I had noticed you've been gone. I was hoping you were okay. Sorry you're feeling bad. Wish I could be there to help you. Email me if you want to. I did think about emailing you, but didn't know if you wanted me too. Anyways, take care and write if you want to. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: if ne 1 noticed...though doubt they did....
Posted by linzee on Tue Aug 28 04:49:49 2001 (#9998)

ive noticed and ive missed ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! i e-mailed u to! sorry ur haveing a hard time:( think postive!

I fucked up bad
Posted by Selene on Tue Aug 28 11:22:57 2001 (#9999)

Oh my god, why am I so stupid?!?! I had such a bad day. I slept till four, I cried(which I havent done in like 4 months), and I cut so bad. I almost needed stitches. My mom found out and helped me bandage them and said if they dont start to heal in 2 days then shes gonna take me to the hospital. And theyll probably wanna keep me, they know me there. My mom asked why I did it and I said I was just really stressed and I was having a bad day. It was that, and it was also becuz I started to think about suicide and I havent thought about that in about 5 months. No one understands me, I have to go see my counsler tomarrow, which I dont even want to. Im so frusterated becuz Im afraid that Ill eventually kill myself, sometimes I get in these moods where I just dont care and then I snap out of them. I usually regret what I do to during them, like the last time I ended up in a mental hospital. Im so scared right now. And my boyfreind is in jail, I have no one. He understands me, and no one else does. I feel so alone and empty. ~Selene

Re: I fucked up bad
Posted by KT on Wed Aug 29 01:22:25 2001 (#10006)

Selene, Hi my name is Katie and I'm here if you need some one. I understand feeling alone, thats how I feel most of the time. I know that you don't want to go to the hospital or to counsling but maybe it will help. I have to go to the hospital in about 3days. I don't want to go, but I can't keep living the way that I am. I hope you find the help that you need and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to e-mail me. Best of luck!

~katie

Re: I fucked up bad
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 29 01:24:22 2001 (#10007)

Selene, I'm sorry you're having a bad time. Can you talk to your mom about how you feel? Would she try to help you? I'm asking because she sounds like maybe she really wants to help but doesn't want to hurt you anymore than you are already hurting.Maybe I'm wrong. If the counseler you're going to isn't helping, maybe you should find someone who will help. Do you take any medication? That might help you some with the thoughts of killing yourself, which I would hate to see happen. Everyone on this board is special to me and I don't like seeing anyone hurt, but then again I can't stop anything either. All I can do is tell you that I'm thinking about you and hoping you'll be okay. If you need to, email me sometime. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: I fucked up bad
Posted by lys on Sun Sep 2 21:33:06 2001 (#10100)

I guess I just have one very strong suggestion - and that is to keep your appointment with your counsellor. If you are showing that you are still trying to get help, than they are less likely to lock you up. Plus the fact that you need to keep up your supports when you are stressed, no matter how unimportant they may seem. I would also suggest you tell your counsellor about your suicidal feelings, because maybe s/he may be able to help you. And you aren't alone. We are all here for you, though it may be through a computer moniter, we all still care. I hope you are already feeling better by the time I have written this, but please reply to 'follow-up'. I want to know that you are okay.

please take care of yourself, lyssie

If you don't like things the way they are change
Posted by scapegoat on Tue Aug 28 11:29:37 2001 (#10000)

If you do the same things day after day and you get the same old shit then it stands to reason that something has to change.

Ever heard of thought stopping?

Ever heard of taking a different road?

Are you afraid if you tell someone, (who is not a cyber friend) how you really feel they will turn tail and run.

We build up tall thick walls to hide our true selves so that people will like us but in doing so WE DON'T LIKE OURSELVES, how will we know what they'll do, and just because one might, doesn't mean they all will.

What about just making one small change, perhaps rolling up your sleeves. I did.

I not only rolled up my sleeves for you, I shared my true self with you. I shared my weaknesses and well as my strengths and your responses have been full of anger. Oh well.

I'm back, not to point you to Jesus, I back to clarify some misunderstandings.

Jesus was my friend and confidant since I was about 4 years old. But bad things still happened to me. But it didn't change my relationship with Jesus or my being friendly and trusting.

When MOST of my sexual assaults happened I was away from home without permission, sometimes they happened when a stranger pulled along side of me as I was walking home and ask if I'd like a ride, and I'd says yes only to find myself trapped in a dangerous situation. God did not stop what happened to me, not to punish me, but because I had put myself and my life in someone elses's hands and in their will.

God was always with me and held my attention, like a mother holding a child's hand when a doctor has to do someting that will cause their child pain. It just took me forever before I learned not to get in the car with strangers.

I believe God's heart was grieved as much about what was happening to me as I grieve when I've finished cutting and I know that I didn't call on God to help me deal with the pain.

Like most of you on here I have times of deep emotional pain and want it to stop, to give myself a breather I cut But Linda is right I confuse you. Saying how I love God and then cutting. I guess I've been cutting so long that to me it is like taking a breath of air. And once you've done it for awhile it is almost trivial. Which is a lie that the devil has conned me into believing, but which I take total responsibility for.

I want things to change, so this is my last post. No one needs to screame at me behind my back this time, because I won't read it.

I signed on as scapegoat, because I think there is a thing in the Bible, somewhere... correct me if I'm wrong Linda, but this story is and a goat is loaded down with ppls sins, and the goat is released and flees into the unknown taking with it the sins of the ppl.

So after you read this you can bad mouth me as much as you want but it will not hurt me. May God grant His face to shine on you and give you peace

Re: If you don't like things the way they are chan
Posted by Alana on Wed Aug 29 01:26:36 2001 (#10008)

who is this? I like what you had to say. Thanks.

Re: If you don't like things the way they are chan
Posted by KT on Wed Aug 29 01:44:04 2001 (#10010)

Wow that was really powerful and you have great insight, thank you for sharing that.

~katie

can sum1.....
Posted by me on Tue Aug 28 21:20:00 2001 (#10004)

can someone tell me about effects nd stuff from bulimia

Re: can sum1.....
Posted by KT on Wed Aug 29 01:16:31 2001 (#10005)

Hey, well there are alot of effects from bulimia: you break down the enamil on your teeth, your digestive acids eat away at your throat and esofuguess(sp?), it kills your motabalizim(so when you stop throwing up and start eating reagurally you gain wait fast b/c your body is starved for nutrtion), it messes up your blood pressure and blood sugur, it makes it hard to eat normal meals and not want to throw up. Well those are some of the big things and the ones that I can think of. I hope you are not bulimic and are just wondering. I've been bulimic for several years now and it is a hard thing to stop doing once you get going. I hope this helps.

~katie

electrolytes
Posted by lys on Sun Sep 2 21:41:59 2001 (#10101)

well, it also throws of the balance of chemicals in your body, things like the electrolytes and other mood affecting chemicals. Because of that, it causes more mood swings, depression, and physical illnesses. It stops the body from healing, causes hypo/hyperglycemia, and it can cause kidney and liver problems from the toxins that are not processed properly, and from the use of laxatives. It can cause ulcers, and other digestive problems. It also causes hair loss, skin problems, and eye problems. Not everyone ith bulimia gets all of these problems, in fact many only are affected by mood and skin/hair problems.

Anyway, if you want more info, the website www.something-fishy.org (I am not sure ig it is .org or .com or what, but it is something like that). So, take care, lyssie

Sweets ur gonna need a new name....haha
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 29 02:57:18 2001 (#10014)

Hey...ok just letting everyone know that I didn't post that message above this!!

And while I'm replying, thought I'd say what I know. Bulimia can do a lot of damage to your body. The acid can eat away at your teeth and cause them to rot. The acid can also eat away at your esphogus (jeez how the heck do you spell that?) and eventually cause it to rupture, which can kill you. By continuously throwing up, you will also retain water, which will cause you to gain weight, not lose it. Ummmm that's all I can think of right now but I know there's more.

Re: can sum1.....
Posted by jen on Thu Aug 30 07:34:40 2001 (#10031)

well i have a section about it on my web page here is the adress www.self-injury.cityslide.com okwell thats it . luv jen

just saying hi
Posted by Tara on Wed Aug 29 02:38:37 2001 (#10012)

hey guys,

how have you all been?good i hope.i have been reading a lot of the post and why is there so much anger?i thought this was a place where we could all come and talk.i understand why Dawn left the board.i could not come here and feel all that anger and try to help someone.that anger is not for this board.that is not why a lot of us come here.we come here to talk to people that are caring and want to help.so please don't bring all the anger to this place.i have to say that if it does not stop that i will leave to and i know that my mom would to.yeah we would still care but we would not want to come here anymore.i know i am not here that much but still the times i do come here would stop for good.i would still worry about how you all were doing.well i am gonna jet now.

LOVE YA LOTS,

TARA BUTTERBAUGH(SIS)

Re: just saying hi
Posted by Sharon on Wed Aug 29 22:39:52 2001 (#10029)

Tara,

It's great to hear from you again! I totally agree about the whole anger thing. Anyway, I hope you're doing good. Take care, love ya lots.

hugs,

Sharon

SOMETIMES
Posted by KT on Wed Aug 29 02:51:19 2001 (#10013)

SOMETIMES I FEEL SO ALONE LIKE THE WORLD HAS LEFT ME TO DIE SOMETIMES I FEEL AS IF ALL I'M TOLD ARE LIES SOMETIMES I CAN'T FEEL AT ALL SOMETIMES I MAKE MYSELF FEEL SOMETIMES I QUESTION WHY I'M STILL ALIVE SOMETIMES I QUESTION WEATHER TO DIE SOMETIMES I WONDER IF THINGS WILL GET BETTER SOMETIMES I NEED TO CRRY AND I CAN'T SOMETIMES I CAN'T STOP CRYING ALLWAYS I FEEL THAT I NEED TO CUT SOMETIMES I DON'T WANT TO AND I DO

~KT

Re: SOMETIMES
Posted by *me* on Wed Aug 29 02:59:14 2001 (#10015)

me too

outcast(dont read this unless your bored)
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 29 03:03:52 2001 (#10016)

i don't feel part of this "community" any more. no i'm not looking for attention, im just saying, i don't seem to feel what everyone else does.. my mood swings have gone away for a bit. they will be back, but at the moment i dont even feel as though i belong in this body.. my perspective changes sometimes, so that it looks like i am actually seeing things a few inches behind my eyes.. as though there is something in my head controlling me... i dunno, this seems strange... things still go wrong, but i just look at them now, and say "oh, it was bound to happen sooner or later..." even though i feel sad...

i dont want to go back to school.. i think iv seen that mentioned recently, but im going to hate it.. i know i will fail.. im fed up with teachers saying "why dont you work, your only unhappy because you don't try hard enough; leave all your problems at home;i know why your sad, *triumph*, its because you havnt got any friends *smile*, well maybe you should try harder" well maybe they should fuck off, they don't understand, they are so wrapped in there little world. and then the end of the term will come, and i will look at my test results, and realise if i wasnt so fucking lazy, i might, might have done something well.. and then i will realise, how much of a prat i was during that last term, like i do every term.. sorry, this has turned from me being all calm and freaked, to me crying and typing random useless thoughts. sorry

Re: outcast(dont read this unless your bored)
Posted by Linda on Wed Aug 29 04:30:58 2001 (#10018)

Oh how much you sound like my own child in many ways. Each school year he has tried a little and then given up and then been so disgusted with himself at the end. He worked at a camp all summer where he had responsiblity for 6-10 boys each week. He is surprising me how responsible he has become. And you know what....he is feeling much better about himself and the world around him. Wish I could be there for you and encourage you! You can do it!

Re: outcast(dont read this unless your bored)
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 29 11:31:08 2001 (#10021)

thanks...

Re: outcast(dont read this unless your bored)
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 29 21:51:04 2001 (#10027)

its not useless !!!!!! i know school can be hard all the extra added stress but it could get better , we have to look at the good things, iknow its hard even for me but we have to try!

when ever
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 29 03:14:51 2001 (#10017)

i feel like cutting when im with my friends when im not, when im at school, when im at home, when im at my friends houses, when im with relatives, when ever im living.

Re: when ever
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Aug 29 16:31:56 2001 (#10022)

Linzee, I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to say or how to help you better. I can only wish you have the strength to make it day by day, cause that's how you live. Day by day. If you want to email me, please do. Take care. Love, Rhonda

just take me over..one of u
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 29 05:04:39 2001 (#10019)

i feel torn apart between being happy and being sad its tearing me apart each one wanting to take me over.

Re: just take me over..one of u
Posted by little_joe1 on Wed Aug 29 11:30:18 2001 (#10020)

yeah, sometimes i feel like i want to be sad.. but if you can be happy, then go for it...

damnit(kinda borin)
Posted by diana on Wed Aug 29 19:14:30 2001 (#10023)

ok well soccer tryoutz for the highschool started on monday. i'm only in 9th grade, but there's a freshman, jv, and varsity team. i really wanna make it to the jv. anyways, i haven't played lately.. so i've been doing really shitty. they work us really hard.. (4 miles a day n sprints n all).. n basically im not that fit right now. so 2day i played soooo bad.. im sore n feel like shit. the coaches were sayin how i didn't do too good 2day, and were askin ppl if i ever play better. i feel like a fuckin failure. i have no modivation nemore, but hopefully i will regain it for 2morro's long day.. 8am to 7pm.(with a couple breaks). but i haven't cut in over a week.. i fell off a moped so im cut up enough. well sorry to bore u guyz. diana

good lUCK!
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 29 21:47:05 2001 (#10026)

i now its hard i use to play soccer to! but keep trying! i know u can make it! i know u can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! good luck HUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn Hopes being washed away again
Posted by *Poi§on on Wed Aug 29 21:09:48 2001 (#10024)

DAMN IT ALL! I hate this world I wanna fucking leave! I was soooo excited for this day, to go back to school and see all my friends again, i haven't even talked to most of them in 3 months, and ever since i woke up i've just gotten more and more pissed off and stressed out. as I leave for the bus my dad says "remember we're going to try this year right? These next three years are what college's look at" He wants me to get straight A's because last year i failed a lot of classes because i was in the hospital for 3 weeks or so, and stuff, and i jsut can't deal with it. all of my classes are with freshmen, who i son't really know, because i just moved to this school last year and this school does things backwards from my other school so i was with the 10th graders when i was a 9th grader, and i made most of my friends with them. and i have all shitty classes. They changed my schedule from what they had it last year whe at the end of the year they had it posted. and it sucks now. all boring classes that i hate. and on the FIRST day i have over an hour's worth of reading chapters in books, writing papers etc. and i feel so lonely, because i don't have any classes with any of my friends and i don't know what to do! i just really want to cut right now, really bad! i wanna jsut yell and scream and cry. i don't know what to do!

~Amanda~ (KoKo) -cause there is too many damn amanda's in my school so i'm like Screw it! i'm changing my name!

Re: Damn Hopes being washed away again
Posted by debbie on Tue Sep 4 13:41:50 2001 (#10133)

hi koko......look, i've been to many different schools, I'm actualy in college now and I'll be honest with you, I'm so fucking bored all I do is make fun with this one friend of mine...try to get a friend...make a comment and start seeing things as funny......I mean, my teacher is fat, old and ugly I can't learn from her....but we are always talking about making bbq and shit...it's acutally funny...you're not da only one who's fucking bored in class.....and as far as straight A's well.....you already know all that shit...just do it. do da homework...you gotta do it. just do it. all my love...hope this helps a little bit, cause I know how you feel ddeb

what do u do?
Posted by linzee on Wed Aug 29 21:44:57 2001 (#10025)

the urges are getting worse even tho im in help now! yikes what can i do to help what do u guys do?

Re: what do u do?
Posted by the only living boy in new york on Sat Sep 1 01:32:26 2001 (#10064)

i'm a bit usless to ask becuase i gave in after nine weeks and now i have five fresh cuts

sorry

hiya i was here a long time ago now or so it seems
Posted by girl on Wed Aug 29 22:04:21 2001 (#10028)

hiya everyone!to all those who knew me b4 and all those who dont give a flying fuck about me neway!hope ur all well ive been reading posts and life seems seriously shitty for a lot of you and i wish i could become a giant sponge and soak up all the pain for u. i just wanted to thank you for all ur help and tell u that i think im getting there .....just about.....i havnt had therapy for a month but i HAVE to go back in sept apparently, i have to be sane in the holidays but when they come back i m back in the chair to be stared at!!!i havnt cut in 2 and a half moonths!tho i have scars that just WONT fucking go away no matter what i do. ive got an almost boyfriend and friends and im happy tho im scared to type it in case i fuck it up somehow but hey....its always my fault anyhow! sorry for all the drival please stay safe and e mail sometime if u want to im here still and not always so fuckin smug!lol sorry...

love girlxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: hiya i was here a long time ago now or so it s
Posted by KAT on Sat Sep 1 01:01:02 2001 (#10062)

hi Girl love ya! -KAT

my web page
Posted by jen on Thu Aug 30 08:30:42 2001 (#10032)

hi everyone. i finished my web page and i would appreciate it if you had any time to take look a it and give me any suggestions you have. i would really be thankful. please sign the guest book too. if any of you would like to share your personal stories youcan email them to me and i will put them on my page, or if you have any poems or qoutes. the address is www.self-injury.ctyslide.com thank you guys luv jen

Re: my web page
Posted by Lindsey on Thu Aug 30 13:14:19 2001 (#10034)

Are you sure that's the right URL? I tried it and it didn't come up.

Re: my web page
Posted by Linda on Thu Aug 30 14:21:31 2001 (#10035)

Me too. No luck.

Re: my web page
Posted by linzee on Thu Aug 30 19:57:15 2001 (#10037)

*baby voice* MEEEEEE THREE!!!!!!!!!!, hehe!

i solved it
Posted by erica on Thu Aug 30 20:33:12 2001 (#10038)

hi guys, i can't wait to check out the page. I figured out the problem. There is an "i" missing from the address. try this: www.self-injury.cityslide.com

erica

a quote
Posted by little_joe1 on Thu Aug 30 15:34:28 2001 (#10036)

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in the world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want. And if they can't find them, make them. George Bernard Shaw

Re: a quote
Posted by the only living boy in new york on Fri Aug 31 00:39:19 2001 (#10042)

I've been too honest with myself i should have lied like everybody else (faster) i hurt myself to get pain out (yes) Richey Edwards

suggestion???
Posted by *Poi§on on Thu Aug 30 22:22:38 2001 (#10039)

ok, so i've decided my cutting is back on,...after 4 months of it, and a slip, i just can't stop, i cut last night because of all the pressures from school (see last post) and it just felt SOOOO good, I did it in my fav. Spot, my arms, which i try not to do lately because i didn't want my parents to find out and loose all their trust in me again, and have my room searched for sharps, and run the risk of having them read my diaries again. i don't know what to do. i just want things to be the same. i know they are suspicious because i've been wearing long sleeves again, and all summer i didn't cause it was too hot and i was just like I dun give a shit, but i don't like them seeing new cuts, they will be dissapointed. any ideas on how i can maybe talk to them to make them understand???

~Amanda~

Re: suggestion???
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Aug 31 00:53:59 2001 (#10044)

Amanda, I guess the only thing I can tell you is to just tell them you've been having problems again and you need their help. You could hide you diaries,I guess, so they wouldn't find them. Tara has hers in plain sight, but I don't read it. That's her private thoughts. Did they understand before? If so, chances are they will again. It may hurt them to see you doing this again, but if they love you, they will overcome the hurt to help you. I hope they do understand and support you in this. If you need to talk about how parents feel, email me sometime. Take care and keep your cuts cleaned really good. Love, Rhonda

Re: suggestion???
Posted by ego on Fri Aug 31 12:09:52 2001 (#10049)

das ist nicht schlimm, Rückfälle kommen vor. mach dir keine Sorgen. I have been cutting two days ago. Tghe first time since 3 oder 4 months. It comes and it goes, but it is allright for me. Other ones may using drugs and beat children. And those are not ok.

bonded--now grieving
Posted by Blunder on Fri Aug 31 00:44:17 2001 (#10043)

I feel like a friendless child who no one wants on the team.....again.

I came here looking for a place to belong, among ppl who understands what cutting does.

I came here to offer a helping hand to those who's hands are weakened by pain.

I didn't come here to find friends, but found them anyway.

The problem is that I bonded to people like myself, who's moods go up and down, and who's mental, emotional conditions in and of themselves finds friendships born on shakey ground to be shaky.

I felt good, strong and almost proud that I was perscecuted for my faith in God, and when I left the board a number of thoses who graced my life with sharing of themselves with e-mails, continued correspondence with me.

But today when I was checking e-mail address so I could send cards I read a few post, and suddenly the perscecution of my faith felt more condemning of myself.

I know much of what was said was said from a life that was on the skids at the time. Most of the time these individuals were polite, and often kind and graceous.

But today is my day to feel crappy and reality sucks.

We are hurting people trying to cope with our own pain, then trying to show compassion and concern to others when they are down. And sometimes what we don't want is someone telling us there is HOPE, LOVE, AND ACCEPTANCE, especially from one of the walking wounded. Your rejection was quite clear.

Maybe you would rather have said "Life sucks, it ain't goinga change, so give up and die.

Well I didn't do that, I don't believe it, and crappy days comes even to Christians who don't get enough sleep, who hates rejection, and who equates it with being unlovable and unwanted. All subjects I know quite well. But you know what. I still Believe in the Grace and Faithfulness of the Best Friend I've ever had. He promises to never leave me of forsake me....no matter what.

For the record....I'm deleting my address books....no more cards or e-mails to ruin your day. I got the message quite clear...thank you very much.

Dawn..you wrote this...I know because I wrote it
Posted by chchchanging on Sat Sep 1 06:13:40 2001 (#10067)

I am no quitter. I can't do it. I tried. But I care too much for Kat, and Me, and Nuni. and Jen...and even myself.

I need Tara's Mom, and Linda looking out for me. But please don't put me on a pedestal because I'm older and a Christian.

Things I say sometimes gets hackles raised, oh well, some people's post raise hackles on me too.

I am just a wounded soul, who has crappy times, and stronger times... but I'm a CUTTER, you might say its in my blood.

Linda when I let you down I cut... I felt like a fallen angel. You are right I can't say I love God and cut too, but that is the problem I can....

I can't please everyone.... I let some down... I even let God down,,,but God loves me and understands me better than even I do, and His blood covers all of my sins.

I could never shed enough blood to redeme myself from anything so I don't try.... I'm in a TRUST mode. I trust in the One, who said in his word that even when I am faithless, He remains faithful because He cannot forget his own.

And for those who want to censure me from speaking about God and Jesus, you can do what I do, It doesn't take long for me to know whose posts to avoid and if you don't like what I say, don't read it.

Love and hugs chchchanging

Re: Dawn..you wrote this...I know because I wrote
Posted by Linda on Sat Sep 1 17:38:47 2001 (#10071)

(((((((((((((Dawn))))))))))))) ))))))You belong here!! You did not understand me at all. I was not "let-down"......I know it sounds like it when people condemn our actions but sometimes it can be constructive if taken that way. I will repeat for all on the board since I have already told you this privately......I was not condemning your cutting......I was disturbed by your reliving all your past hurts. I think you are putting yourself under pain that if you could learn how to accept that all your past is forgiven and covered by His blood and it is never to be remembered against you again, that it would give you a better quality of life. My only other problem was that I felt (and this is certainly not an education assumption) thata your past stories could be triggering to others. If I was wrong about either of those then you most certainly have my apology and it will never be brought up again. Love from the only One that does it perfectly and does it through undeserving sinners, like you and me, when we yield to Him!!

my wb page AGAIN. LOL
Posted by jen on Fri Aug 31 04:39:01 2001 (#10045)

ok you guys erica was rite it was missing a letter.the addy is www.self-injury.cityslide.com

Re: my wb page AGAIN. LOL
Posted by *poi§on on Sat Sep 1 00:03:42 2001 (#10058)

i really like your webpage, (i siged the guest book) :) keep it up! great job on it!!!

~amanda~

i deserve to bleed in pain
Posted by bec on Fri Aug 31 04:41:36 2001 (#10046)

can someone please help me... i need your help. i blame myself for everything bad that has happened in my life. i always cut myself. i really want to right now, i want to sooo much. i hate how depressed i am.

i really just want to die, but then if i kill myself, i could no longer then punnish myself by cutting...please help me... i need your help before i cut any further down to my wrist.

i am sooo lonely.... if anyone ever wants to talk, email me at JDragonprincess9@aol.com

please talk to me...

love bec.

Re: i deserve to bleed in pain
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Sep 1 01:28:29 2001 (#10063)

Bec, I'm Rhonda. You can email me anytime and I'll get back to you. Are you new? Maybe I just haven't been looking on the board long enough. I don't cut but my daughter does. I've learned a lot from everyone here and I thank them for that. I care about everyone on this board so if you want to write me, please do. Take care. Love, Rhonda

None of us deserve to have done to us what we do
Posted by chchchanging on Sun Sep 2 07:10:50 2001 (#10088)

Hi, my name is Dawn, and tonight I am in my RIGHT mind and can tell you that we do not deserve to bleed. Our bleeding does not PAY for anything we have done, or what others have done to us and we took the blame for.

And yes, I am listening to what I just wrote.

But I have not always thought that way, nor have I always FELT that way.

But what happens a lot of the time our feelings and our minds bring up everything we have ever done wrong, or what has been done to us or said to us by other people and we take it in and guilt and self hate entwine and screw up our thinking and our feelings and we believe we deserve punishment. And if we have cut when this chaos is going on and after cutting we feel relieved and find a little peace from the turmoil, then our brains connects the act of harming ourselves with the relief, and we become hooked, just like herion addicts.

I am one, I am addicted to disconnecting emotion/mental pain with physical pain.

But I'm doing better because I've rehashed my life and discovered I was not guilty and that I do not deserve the harm I do to my body.

I am also one who gets feeling lonely and sorry for myself and then my brain says I'm alone because I'M BAD, so I punish myself for being so bad no one wants to hang with me.

But the truth is I have been battling with depression and one thing that depression does is cause me to pull away from other people who would love to be my friend if only I did not push them away, or withdrawl into my apartment As Rhonda said, my email is listed and if you write to me I will answer your letter. I did not eleclt to e-mail you because there are others on the board who need to do just what Rhonda and I are asking of you. You need to reach out. And you can do it with confidence that she and I will get back to you. Its a promise.

Be courageous Love ya Dawn

what happened to suzie?
Posted by an old friend on Fri Aug 31 07:49:38 2001 (#10047)

hey guys

some of you know me, but i won't go into that. i haven't been here in a very long time but i have been hearing things about suzie - what happened to her? is she okay? does anyone know for sure? any info would be much appreciated. love to all.

an old friend

Re: what happened to suzie?
Posted by Alana on Fri Aug 31 14:57:54 2001 (#10050)

I was actually just coming on to leave a post about suzie. I was wondering the same thing. Has anyone heard from her, or about her? Is she still with us? Or did we lose her for good?

Please tell us.

Love, Alana

Re: what happened to suzie?
Posted by *me* on Fri Aug 31 15:10:16 2001 (#10052)

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooo worried about her. She hasn't replied to ne emails. I'm trying to hold out hope that maybe she's just in the hospital or something. I've been praying for her every day. If ANYONE has heard ANYTHING, PLEASE let us know!!!!!!!!!

i gave in to it again.........i blame the pancakes
Posted by jes on Fri Aug 31 15:06:51 2001 (#10051)

ok, so i havent cut for ages, apart from a few scratches a couple of weeks ago i cant remember the last time, 3 months maybe? and i have done other things like the scratching and i burnt myself a bit aswell but not actually CUT. But last nite i did, a lot. i'll explain where the pancakes come in to it. yesterday i ate, like, 7 pancakes, big huge ones and i felt really bad cos i've managed to lose all this weight and i know that i could still do with losing a bit more but i'd lost over half a stone and i was quite pleased with myself. so after i had the pancakes, i realised what i'd done and i nearly made myself sick, i just felt so ill at the thought of what i d eaten, but i didnt want to start doing that again (i never did it bad but i knw how these things can get out of control). so n e way, i felt really shit about that and then my mama had made tea for me and so i had to eat that aswellwhen i'd already decide not to have tea ( i know it sounds bad but thats how i've lot the weight, and im still healthy so it cant be doing that much harm can it?). ok, so i was in my room and its not like i wasnt thinking about cutting b4 anyway but it was just so much more than thinking then, it ws like before, i NEEDED to do it. And i did. i just kinda got out of control. so i did a load of cuts on my inner fore arm and there wasnt much room left (apart from near my wrist but due to a previous accident, i stay away from there now. and near the joint in my arm cos i dont like doing it there) so i left it and decided that the best thing to do to stop me starting on the other side of my arm wa to get drunk on this vodka i had. not a good idea, i still really needed to do it so i did it again, on the other side. i am so stupid i hate myself, i just want to hurt myself. last nite it scared me cos i know that i i wasnt so paranoid about my wrist i would have gone there too and i hate t tink of what would have happened. it was like i just couldnt stop, i was just going mental at it. i dont quite know what the point of this is, i think i just needed to get it out. i know, it's boring. I wanted to tell my friends but i tink i changed my mind. they'll probly read this now and think that not only have i lost it but also i'm going all anorexic too, but im not, i do need to lose the weight, i know i do. there was so much ahte for myself last nite, i havent felt like that in ages. it's wierd. ok, so i wont wate n e more of ur time. love jes xx

Re: i gave in to it again.........i blame the panc
Posted by Nuni on Fri Aug 31 20:32:40 2001 (#10054)

I dont think anythng you said was boring. In fact I think everything you wrote was WAY important. I have felt similart to you before. But all of us are different. I care about you wrote. It worries me that you put yourself down but I do it too, it is what we do. I thought I had given up cutting. It isnt something I can let go of either. It has been a part of my life. I feel so on top of things when I do it.. Until I learn how to deal better I wont stop. I am glad you decided to stay away from your wrist. Take care, Nuni

Re: i gave in to it again.........i blame the panc
Posted by jes on Sat Sep 1 17:45:11 2001 (#10073)

i think......i think i feel better 2day. i think. maybe it's just a trick. i dunno. i do eat tho' why does everyone have this obsession with what i eat? I'M NOT MAD. i just want it to stop being like it is. i nearly told my friend what i did 2day bt she had to go. why do i leave these things till its too late? why cant i get just one thing right? aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhst upiddumbfuck. sorry. ok, so i was better. maybe i think i might feel better again in a minute? i think i'll have a cigarette. yeah, thats what i'll do, that'll help. bye bye, love jes xx

oh fuck it
Posted by Amanda on Fri Aug 31 19:35:42 2001 (#10053)

blunt but true. i feel crap. a friend of mine died over the weekend, i hadnt seen her 4 ages and now shes dead. only 18 she was!!!! how fucked up is that?????? all her life she had it tough. she was sexually abused by her step dad, ignored by her mum, and put down by her peers. then she moved away from home and one evening she went into a coma, it was a day and a half b4 someone found her!! a day and a half....wots up with that??? she had 4 heart attacks and by the time she got to hospital she was brain-dead. that just aint right. somone should have found her b4 that. how could they not have noticed that she wasnt there? she was so livly and bubbly. its wrong, compleatly and utterly wrong. FUCK THE WORLD!!!! FUCK GOD!!!!(im real sorry if this offends ppl but its just how i feel right now) how can there be any god/goddess if he lets this wonderful girl slip away. how could he/she let her slip away like that. she was a pagan, fair enough she had the wrong approch to the religion but that is no reson for the God and Goddess to turn their backs against her.

Sorry had to get rid of that. Amanda

Re: oh fuck it
Posted by KT on Fri Aug 31 21:13:37 2001 (#10055)

I'm sorry

Re: oh fuck it
Posted by KAT on Sat Sep 1 00:59:01 2001 (#10061)

Fuck Phillip that asshole.. sorry to but into your conversation but I had to say that, Oh I know hate makes the world suffer but if Im suffering so will he! love ya, kat

Re: oh fuck it
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Sep 1 01:34:02 2001 (#10065)

I'm sorry! If you want to talk, email me. Love, Rhonda

Board
Posted by *Poi§on on Sat Sep 1 00:02:27 2001 (#10057)

it seems to me that many people on this board are having a tough time right now with their cutting. it is a full moon tonight, and that could be one reason why. (i believe so anyways) but i just wanted to say that i know EXACTLY what you guys are feeling, (well not EXACTLY but you know what i mean) and i just wanted to say that i hope everyone is going to be okay, and that if you need to talk u can e-mail me or talk to me on AIM (cheze2) i will try to help you out as best as i can! Try to Stay Safe!

~Amanda~

Re: Board
Posted by Linda on Sat Sep 1 00:31:42 2001 (#10059)

Ahhhhhhhhh yes......the full moon!!! Didn't God create a magnificent thing when He created a ball that radiates the sun like that! AMAZING!!! : )

Body parts-bloody body parts!
Posted by KAT-the return on Sat Sep 1 00:47:08 2001 (#10060)

Gosh I havent posted here in ages, nice to see some of you people that used to post way back when helpin out around this place...its been a long while since I needed help but boy do I need it. I am in 11th grade this year, a big accomplishment for me and like I said to Geoff, if any of you know him, this guy in like 6 of my classes makes me feel like I wanna cut myself up all over my body and sit there in in a pool of my own blood. how awful is that! I hate him, I wish he would just go away, hes an asshole to me just to be an asshole even worse I sit by him in alot of my classes b/c we are in alpahabteical order and I dont wanna say anything to the teacher bc I know shell talk to him and itll just get worse, my god I dont know what this guy has against me but I honestly have no respect for him anymore, although I havent cut in a while hes been triggering me , and the urges are unbelievable, I just wanna stab myself with something sharp oh god........why have I done this to myself why has everyone done this to me!!!!! love Kat

Re: Body parts-bloody body parts!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Sep 1 01:37:21 2001 (#10066)

Hey KAT, Glad to see you're back and sorry that you're having a hard time at school. Hang in there KAT. Email me if you feel like it. Love, Rhonda

I am so stressed....
Posted by lys on Sat Sep 1 07:40:47 2001 (#10068)

okay, I was fine a few minutes ago, and ow I am feeling like shit. I don't know why. I have had a majorly stressful few weeks. I am in a youth shelter. My parents are splitting up. My doctor is forcing me into a sexual abuse group. And my doctor and therapist are both trying to get me onto anti-psychotic meds. The bad people are here, they are trying to hurt me. I am scared. They are reading my thoughts.... I don't know what to do.... I want to cut, I need to cut, and I am scared. I need help, but I don't know what to do. I am afraid to sleep because if I sleep then the bad man comes into my head. I can't stand it anymore..... I am tired.... please help me......

Re: I am so stressed....
Posted by Tara on Sat Sep 1 17:15:30 2001 (#10070)

Honey, Please let them try and help you. Wish I could be there myself, but the meds might make things a little better. Email me if you need to talk. I'll be here for you. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

before death....
Posted by lys on Sat Sep 1 07:56:55 2001 (#10069)

I am crying again. people yelling at me. I am having trouble breathing. I am so tired, I am scared, but I am scared to sleep. I want to die.... I don't thing I can do anything right now though. I don't know what to do. I am scared. they keep yelling and they think I am stupid.... they are changing my thoughts and I am so scared.... I don't know what to do???

Re: before death....
Posted by jes on Sat Sep 1 17:39:23 2001 (#10072)

hunny, plz try and hang on in there and at least try to let these ppl help you, by the sounds of it they cant really make u feel n e worse. dont take that the wrong way, i just meant that you cant feel much worse than wanting to die. take care, love jes

Re: before death....
Posted by Linda on Sat Sep 1 17:46:56 2001 (#10074)

((((((((((((LYS))))))))))Were you here way back when we had "Canada"........It was a wonderful adventure and some said it was an enjoyable place to go in their minds. Each had their own room, decorated exactly as they liked. It was a safe place and full of fun and acceptance. Although I am not a cutter, I am a mother that can never stand to see a scared child. Consequently, my three children each slept with me almost every night until they were in first grade. Many nights I stayed awake until they went to sleep and then slipped them into their beds of went to sleep only to awake and find a warm body snuggled up close to me. I loved those times, even if I did get back aches. In "Canada", I had an imaginary room with a big bed in there.......everyone was free to come snuggle up to me any night that they were afraid. I would gladly pull you real close until you drifted peacefully off to sleep. Can you go there now???? In your head, I mean???? Hope it helps!!!

I don't like beds....
Posted by lys on Sat Sep 1 23:11:16 2001 (#10079)

I live in canada.... beds scare the shit out of me.... I can't have other people in my bed, or I get scared. I am scared right now... the people, they can read my mind.... I don't know why they try to hurt me like this, I don't know why they want me to die. I am really scared. What do I do???? I am confused and hurting and I am so scared. I have my razor blades right with me, I want to cut, but the camaras are watching me. They are watching me all of the time, even when I go out people follow me and they are just trying to make me try to kill myself. I want to die, but I don't know how to make it work. I am tired. I think they can read the computer too.... they want to lock me up, they are going to lock me up so that they can keep hurting me without anyone ever finding out. Last night I called a crisis line and the lady was a bad person, she was reading my thoughts and recording my voice so she could hurt me later. She was just trying to hurt me more. she was bad... what do I do??? the people are making me sad too....

Re: I don't like beds....
Posted by Linda on Sun Sep 2 05:34:45 2001 (#10087)

I'm so sorry you are so scared. I am not there and I do not know if you are right in feeling frightened. Why do you think they can read your thoughts and what does it matter if they do? Are you fearful of being put away?

they steal my thoughts too....
Posted by lys on Mon Sep 3 04:49:28 2001 (#10112)

They take my thoughts, and they change them so that my thoughts are bad, and then they tell me things I don't want to know, but they do it to hurt me. They read my mind and steal my thoughts too, because then they change them. I hate them!! And then sometimes when I sleep, the bad man comes and he is in my dreams and he makes it all happen again. He makes me dream bad things, and then I need to punish myself. He makes me do it too. He is there a lot. I think he is here now. he is hurting me. He makes my head hurt. When they read my mind, it is like they are raping me, but they are doing it to my mind. I don't like it.... they are always hurting me....

Re: I don't like beds....
Posted by Emma on Sun Sep 2 19:26:34 2001 (#10097)

Lys, baby, this might sound strange but dont worry about people watching you, believe me they really arent there, seriously hunney and the lady on the crisis line, shes there to try and help, okay sometimes she wont help people but she'll try as best she can. i know it can be easy to get paranoid, but i'm sure no-one wants to hurt you. Sorry this probably doesnt help but i just wanted to try and reasure you hunney. take care God Bless Emm xx

i made jv.. but im so stressed
Posted by diana on Sat Sep 1 18:33:48 2001 (#10076)

well i made the jv team as a freshman, but its hard as hell. im mostly doing it for my dad b/c he wants me 2 still play. im so stressed right now and it jus started. i don't know how much longer i can take of this damn team.

Re: i made jv.. but im so stressed
Posted by the only living boy in new york on Sun Sep 2 01:04:14 2001 (#10082)

please don't think i'm being ignorant but i'm from england and i don't know what jv is

keep your head up. team spirit may get better

have fun

Re: i made jv.. but im so stressed
Posted by Sharon on Sun Sep 2 19:00:58 2001 (#10095)

JV stands for Junior Varsity, it's sort of a crossover between a varsity team (usually upperclassmen) and a freshman team (usually, duh, freshmen)

Congrats on making it Diana, I ran JV Track as a freshman last year and it was hard as hell, but there's something really great about taking your body to the limit and all that. It gets better, I promise you. One of these days, you're gonna get athlete's high and then there's not going back! I describe it as a love hate relationship. For me, the track on some days can be a bitch, but there's something that makes you go back. My advice is to give it a try, if you feel like you really can't handle it, then drop it. There's no shame in that. And one more thing, be your own person, don't let anyone else tell you what to do!

hugs,

Sharon

Re: i made jv.. but im so stressed
Posted by linzee on Sun Sep 2 21:49:11 2001 (#10102)

aw hun im glad u made it, i know its work but u need to do what u want and and u know when enough is enough so as soon ur body say no more then u shoudl lay off, i dont know if u dad is really pushy with this stuff but tell him ur pushing as hard as u can and u just cant take it anymore, good luck! love ya lots linds

Re: i made jv.. but im so stressed
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Sep 3 01:49:43 2001 (#10107)

Congrats on making the team. That's a lot of work to do but give it a try for a while. You might like it in a little while. If later on you decide you don't want to do this, try talking to your dad and explain it to him. Hopefully he'll understand. Take care and try to have fun. Love, Rhonda

Why are parents so stupid!?
Posted by Alana on Sat Sep 1 18:43:50 2001 (#10077)

OK, I come home last night, at about my curfew....2am. I go upstairs to get some money to pay for my cab, and my dad comes racing out of his room and starts pushing me up against the wall screaming at me how i smell like booze. FIRST OF ALL, I was barely drinking, I had maybe 3 beers.....AND SECOND OF ALL, it was like 2 hours before.

What the fuck is his problem? My mom came home from the pub, so my dad started telling her how I was "drunk" (uhh no) so she came into my room and asked me. I said that I had 3 beers......you know what she said - " oh ok, you had more than me, and you're standing up straighter, hahahaha!"

Why does my dad have to be such a dick about this kinda stuff.

sticks up the ass???
Posted by lys on Sat Sep 1 23:18:14 2001 (#10080)

it seems to be a requirement for parents now-a-days. metal rods surgically implanted up the ass, caused them to act like over inflated donkey scrotums. but that is just my theory....

Re: Why are parents so stupid!?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Sep 3 01:52:47 2001 (#10108)

I wish I knew that answer. Some parents are so dumb where their kids are concerned. Some times it makes me ashamed to be a parent. Oh well, I do what I can to help. This probably didn't help you much, I'm sorry. Just take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: Why are parents so stupid!?
Posted by SomeOne on Tue Sep 4 17:55:31 2001 (#10138)

My parents say I'm a loser .. I belief them! love Vicky.

wollte es nur los werden
Posted by interessiert nicht on Sat Sep 1 22:53:40 2001 (#10078)

01.september dem größten mädchen der welt wenn ich dir doch nur helfen könnte. es ist sicherlich nicht gut, daß du mich auch nocht tragen willst. deine augen sind leer und deine stimme ist leise, meine einsichten kommen immer zu spät. ich höre nicht, was du mir wortlos mitteilen möchtest. ich sehe dich an und fühle nichts, verfluche zu spät meinen egoismus. ich wollte dir doch helfen. es ist herbst und unsere welt verliert an farbe. du könntest den letzten schritt mit mir gehen und DU WILLST ES NICHT. dabei wäre es so einfach. wieder mein egoismus, ich bin , ja was? ich hoffe du verzeihst mir.

30. august Ich erobere meine Identität zurück und hoffe, das ich an mir Gefallen finden werde und das das größte Mädchen der Welt an mir Gefallen finden wird. Plötzlich dringt die Ahnung von etwas wie „Zukunft“ in mich ein. Wie geht man mit einer Zukunft um? Oder ist das, was Zukunft heißt, stets nur das Alte in neuen Farben, also eine Sinnestäuschung? Ich weiß es nicht. Tief drinnen schreit es : ‚Es ist zuviel, zu schnell, hör auf damit!‘ Soll ich dem trauen? Soll ich weitermachen wie bisher? Oder weiteren Änderungen stattgeben trotzdem sie mich ängstigen? Welche Angst ist sinnvoll? Und wie kann ich die beiden unterscheiden? Ich bin keineswegs blind, ich stolpere eben nur durch nachtdunklen Wald und kann deshalb nichts sehen. Ich werde irgendwann das faulige Fleisch aus mir herausschneiden. Und was dann übrig bleibt, bin ich. Mit Narben, doch diesmal verheilten Wunden. Ich bin nicht dein faules Fleisch. Ich bin die Sonne die deinen Horizont auslöscht. Deine Schmerzen berühren mich nur selten. Ich bin effizienter, größer, stärker als deine Gewalt es sein konnte. Mein Zorn ist gleißender als deiner . Und ich verachte dich weil du deine Determinierung nicht überwinden konntest. Ich bin arroganter und kälter als du und ich kann dich tiefer verletzen, weil ich weiß, was du gefühlt haben mußt und ich deshalb deine Schwäche nutzen kann. Ich habe von dir gelernt also geh mir aus dem Weg, jetzt, da du schwach bist, FUCKER. Und ich werde meine Gewalt in den Griff kriegen und schon deshalb hast du verloren. Ich bin auf dem Weg.

irgendwann „Schach ist nicht das Leben“, Goethes Erben Unruhe, Zittern , Schwindel, Anspannung, Schwäche, Übelkeit ; es regnet und es kühlt ab. Das ist gut, vielleicht finde ich Ruhe und kann schlafen. Am besten nicht mehr Aufwachen. ich würde ihn mit napalm füttern, ihm säure zu trinken geben. im traum, nicht in der wirklichkeit. Ich klammere mich an den Gedanken „Klink“, als gäbe es nichts anderes. An anderen Tagen, ist die Klinik überflüssig. Ich weiß es nicht. Ich traue meinen Gefühlen nicht. Was echt ist, ist blutig-rot .

„Get a life, boy“. Ich habe eines. Ich kann ihr Leben jeden Tag nachlesen. Kann man einen Menschen ernst nehmen, der darunter leidet, sein Leben genausowenig auf die Reihe zu bekommen. Wohl kaum. es ist warm, wenn das nicht-gift durch die adern schießt. das weiß keiner, der es nicht versucht hat. es fühlt sich gut an. die prozesse in der vergiftung erfordern das ganze fühlen und es bleibt kein platz für störende gedanken. das kann kein psydoc wissen und kein psydoc wird mir das ausreden können. keiner kann mir die erinnerung daran nehmen. das ist nicht krank, das ist das wissen, welches ich habe und ich würde es gern wiederholen wenn ich sicher sein könnte, das es diesmal klappen würde. ich spürte wie geborgenheit den körper durchströmte. es ist, als sei der seelenfrieden zu kleinen weißen suizidkristallen geworden. immer, wenn ich allein bin, in letzter zeit zumindest, wenn die verlogene hypomanie nicht mehr notwendig ist, kommen alte gedanken, warm, freundlich, sanft und kraftvoll zurück und alles, was mich davon abhält ist die sorge, das du zu früh zurückkommen könntest und ich deine tränen sehen müßte. deine tränen sind ebenso mächtig. ich will nicht, das deine tränen mein gewissen vergiften.

rasierklingen ermöglichen den kleinen tod. entspannung für kurze zeit, pflaster und strips für wochen. kein denken mehr. nur das fallen in fühllose schwarze brunnen. tintenblaue blumenwesen werden den schläfer in ihre obhut nehmen, ihn weich betten, alles wird still sein und friedvoll, vergebend; sogar für taten, die noch nicht begangen wurden. vertraue mir. ich nehme dir den schmerz.

Germany 1 -5 England
Posted by the only living boy in new york on Sun Sep 2 01:10:55 2001 (#10083)

OK OK this isn't a sport site so i appologize to any germans or anyone i offend but i would just like to celebrate this amazing fantastic win

5-1 5-1 5-1 5-1 (sorry this sort of thing makes me very happy - it don't happen often)

andy

Re: Germany 1 -5 England
Posted by a little smiley on Sun Sep 2 02:32:35 2001 (#10084)

I agree - left the board but I still check & it's made me grin preposterously. Things are so shit right now, but god that felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO awesome!!!!. I was running around the house going mental on Owens Hatrick goal - & I have chronic fatigue so that took a lot!!! - ok I collapsed in a heap afterwards, but who cares!!!!

Big Newcastle fan & I've never felt such intense love & passion in a tribal sese then when at St. James Park. I miss all that so much

anyway - yes - for all those that hate football - Christ it makes me so happy & my life stinks right now

OWENNNNNNNNNNN GERARRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD DD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BECKHAM!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

still all silly over it

ltake care all

x

Re: Germany 1 -5 England
Posted by ego on Sun Sep 2 10:03:41 2001 (#10090)

the germans will be back and then they'll kick those english asses around the stadium ;-)) god shave the quean! *lol*

blecht
Posted by *me* on Sun Sep 2 04:21:04 2001 (#10085)

i can't stop crying, i need the pain to go away....i just keep crying i can't stop crying and i hate this omg...........what am i supposed to do?????

Re: blecht
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Sep 3 01:55:17 2001 (#10109)

Please email me!!!! Love, Rhonda

breathe
Posted by lys on Mon Sep 3 04:44:14 2001 (#10111)

there isn't much that I can say, I don't knw what is going on, but all I can really say to help would be to breathe. Concentrate on your breathing, and just breathe. take care, lyssie

decided to leave the fact I have left???!!
Posted by necrosis on Sun Sep 2 04:36:19 2001 (#10086)

b 4 I appeared sporadically here I had just left my 1st board. Had very painful public row with a 'self confessed bitch' - tried to listen & fucked up big time & she turned her best friend 'mother of the board' against me. Was shown this place & I feel some comfort here - read most posts & IM some from here also

Fact is, I decided to leave here - I left a leaving messgae on the other board & that was it - just went. Right now things are very hard & I have to swallow any pride - I need somewhere to release - I'll just try & not bite at the religous thingies!!!!!

Can't go into detail as my main angst involves some that post here occasionally. Just scared I will start cutting again badly as I really want to, & I cut deep now. My girlfriend doesn't want to see anymore scars & if posting here helps avoid that, I want to.

I drink 2 much - suffer chronic fatigue - no life essentially, but I'm ok with that, right now the stress of bizzare circumstances is too much sober. Need to feel disconnected - & I feel so much better for drinking

I'm sorry I can't go into why I feel this way, but I cannot. I'm dealing with it, just drinking is my way & I won't cut - coping

have noticed I forget to eat when I drink a lot, but I feel shit regardless - don't really care. Attending an anxiety management group this week - 1 day a week for 6 weeks, I hope to gain something from that, to learn to endure being with people when feeling like this -much is psychological - I'll post on how it all pans out - hopefully it'll help me & maybe others if it goes well

To those that know why I feel so stressed - we'll get through it, just is so painful right now & there is no blame for anyone. We all do what we feel is best, I stand by every decision I make that I gave much thought too. I maybe wrong, very wrong with the decisions I make, but there is no right - just opinions

When a loved one cries, an angel kisses their wings, when that loved one can no longer fly, do angels love them & let them die in loves honour?

Everything hurts, love - fuck, u want an essay???!!!

love & humourous biologically induced noises

take care all xxx

Re: decided to leave the fact I have left???!!
Posted by ickle baby nuthin on Sun Sep 2 14:36:20 2001 (#10091)

okie angel, well, its good to hear ur trying to get stuff sorted. just remember that u can always rant about people and be as bitchy as u like to me even if its about me! lol... i know you will get better, it just takes time and a bit of love, which im sure u get lots of even if u dont always realise it. i for one love u extrememly bigly! :¬) and im sure ruth does too. love u lots, elle xxxxxxxxx

For once I'm really Happy!!!
Posted by Amanda on Sun Sep 2 16:28:59 2001 (#10092)

it doesnt happen very often but today im in a great mood, im in my bedroom with my best mate and my b/f. i dont think i could be any happier. i think this is the first day when i havent actually thought about cutting. its been a long time since i have been able to go a day without thinking about doing it and wanting to do it.

YAY im in such a good mood. SMILE :) every1!!!!

Love and Hope Amanda

Re: For once I'm really Happy!!!
Posted by linzee on Sun Sep 2 16:44:02 2001 (#10093)

:) alright gurl! keep it up! i posted one day when i had a good day, b/c its so rare, i just had to share it!!!!!!!! im glad ur having a good day hun!`

Re: For once I'm really Happy!!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Sep 3 01:57:43 2001 (#10110)

Good for you!!!!!! I hope that feeling stays for awhile. Take care. Love, Rhonda

cant
Posted by linzee on Sun Sep 2 16:46:44 2001 (#10094)

im really scared that there going to hospitalize me for anorexia, ive been warned 2 times now about it and this time my doc was really mad b/ci fainted and my mom tolled him and says soon im going to be in that bed, but i dont care about that( well i do , but not taht much) i care about not being able to cut, i mean if i get putin the hosptial then of cousres im going to mad/sad/fusteriated and ofcourse im going to wanna cut, but then i cant.

hospitals are not good.
Posted by lys on Mon Sep 3 04:53:39 2001 (#10113)

When they put me in they hospital and I was very anorexic (I am almost 5'10" and 103 lbs), they threatened to put tubes in my nose. I can tell you right now that they are not fun. They hurt, they can cause permanant damage to the cartilage in your nose, and you have to be in restraints with it in. Think about it. If you eat just a bit more than what you already are, you can avoid it somewhat. lyssie

Suicidal?!?!?!?!
Posted by Alana on Sun Sep 2 19:38:44 2001 (#10098)

As of right now, I would like to get a HUGE bottle of zyprexa (antipsychotics) take the whole thing. Write my goodbyes. Hug my mom. Walk down to the beach. And say goodbye to the world that I love so much, but hates me back.

Maybe this time they won't revive me. :^)

Re: Suicidal?!?!?!?!
Posted by linzee on Sun Sep 2 21:01:54 2001 (#10099)

maybe this time they will! i dont think u should do it hun, i know taht feeling i get it almost everyday more then 2 times, but im still here and theres been times when ive almost slipped but u know what im a fighter and so are u, dont take those meds ( i have them to) b/c u dont really want to die, ur mind is saying u do but ur heart doesnt want to, if u look really deep down in the lil cracks of it u'll see u dont want to:)

be strong love ya linds!

bleeding everywhere
Posted by Alana on Sun Sep 2 22:26:57 2001 (#10103)

I'm babysitting right now, and I'm bleeding all over the desk. I have never cut this bad before. Its everywhere. What do I do to stop it?

Re: bleeding everywhere
Posted by linzee on Sun Sep 2 23:05:34 2001 (#10104)

pressure put pressure on it, and wrap it up and then put pressure thats alli can think of go in the tub so the blood doest geteverywhere.

Re: bleeding everywhere
Posted by lys on Mon Sep 3 04:56:06 2001 (#10114)

I think ice might help, it restricts the blood vessels or something. Worth a try though. Take care!

Re: bleeding everywhere
Posted by necrosis on Mon Sep 3 00:24:16 2001 (#10105)

same as linzee, apply pressure to the wound(s), wrap something tight around it, helps the blood to clot I think. Drastic measure is to put salt in to absorb some blood, but it'll hurt like hell I'd imagine

Hope you're ok Alana. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

love xxx

never, EVER use salt!!!!
Posted by lys on Tue Sep 4 02:36:06 2001 (#10126)

salt will cause a large black scar that will never fade. Trust me, I know. Salt is garaunteed to hurt it more, and just increase the risk of infection. In other words: it is just doing way more damage than is needed. Andyes, it does hurt like hell.

Re: never, EVER use salt!!!!
Posted by necrosis - salt on chips then on Wed Sep 5 00:09:54 2001 (#10155)

just noticed that added post. No I wouldn't - it's Colin that I got that from. I wouldn't have the guts I don't think. Just if she was so worried it could have been an option - I don't know. Sniffing through my ears mostly now. xx

Re: never, EVER use salt!!!!
Posted by MorbidTragedy on Sat Sep 8 20:28:17 2001 (#10243)

some people like the extra pain... and ive only gotten a slightly larger scar from using salt.

Re: never, EVER use salt!!!!
Posted by lys on Wed Sep 12 00:09:55 2001 (#10321)

I have a scar about 7 inches long and 3/4 of an inch wide up my leg from salt. Because of the salt, it got very infected and I had to get antibiotics injected in it 3 times a day for 5 days. so yes, it gets much worse.

I wanna die
Posted by lys on Mon Sep 3 05:00:00 2001 (#10115)

I don't know what to do. I have a razor beside me, and I have more in my room, and yet I can do nothing. I want to die, I have nothing to live for... I am getting paranoid, I have a feeling that this will be a bad night too, like the rest of them recently. I am tired of all of this shit, I am tired of putting up with this hell from everyone. I am just sick of it all. There are camaras all over the house and I know they are watching me. I want to die. I have razors too. what do I do???

Re: I wanna die
Posted by jes on Mon Sep 3 14:34:37 2001 (#10116)

plz don't hurt yourself. i know that at the moment it's seems really bad but it will get better. (And if there are cameras (not saying there definitely are) then it would be a waste of time doing anything anyway cos they wold be watching.) Try talking to someone, anyone, but please don't hurt yourself. take care, jes xx

Re: I wanna die
Posted by linzee on Mon Sep 3 15:44:26 2001 (#10117)

yes plz dont hurt ur self, plz dont

Re: I wanna die
Posted by Alana on Mon Sep 3 21:20:55 2001 (#10118)

As of right now, at this point in my life, I don't see anything wrong with hurting yourself if it keeps you alive. Don't die, please, but if you need to hurt, then do it, as long as it's the measure used to keep yourself from attempting suicide.

Alana

thanks
Posted by lys on Mon Sep 3 21:49:03 2001 (#10120)

it is aroud lunchtime monday, and I am okay right now. I am very scared still, but not as bad. Thanks for all of your support.

Just so you know, I am going to see the shrink this week about meds, even if it risks becoming inpatient. I guess the past few days has given me reason to want something, because I have felt horrible, as is probably noticable by my posts. anyways, thanks a lot... Take care, lyssie

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Posted by *me* on Mon Sep 3 22:44:21 2001 (#10122)

I can't take this. I can't take the yelling. I can't take the stress. I can't take the pressure. I can't take the pain. I can't take this feeling. I can't take acting FINE EVERY FRICKING SINGLE FRICKING DAY!

I want to cut up my whole body. I want to chop up my skin and just let my whole body BLEED. I want to bleed until there is no more blood left to bleed. But I know if I do that I will die. And while a part of me wants to die, a bigger part of me is telling me that I know I don't really want to die, I just want to make this all stop.

But I am afraid that someday soon that part that wants to die is going to become bigger than the reasoning part and that I will make it end. I am afraid of what I want to do to myself.

What do I do? How can I make it stop? Please help me.

....
Posted by lys on Tue Sep 4 02:33:32 2001 (#10125)

I really don't know what to say that will make it better, because I don't think that I can actually say something to really help, except that there are a lot of people here that want you to stay with us. So many people here need you and I know for sure that I could not deal with you leaving us now. I am very glad to hear that you do not really want to die right now. That makes me feel a lot better.

Stay safe, and take care. Try not to do too much damage if you do cut, but just try your best. lyssie

Hang in there moment by moment
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 4 18:48:28 2001 (#10140)

You know in your head and heart that we all care so much for you, but in times of STRESS that knowledge goes undergrown because what is underground needs to be dealt with.

It is your mind telling you SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE... and that is the hard part.

When you are a teenager and have parents you are afraid to go to, and afraid of the consequences if you go to someone else for help, this adds to the stress you are in.

But the answer lies within you. You do not want to die.....YOU WANT THINGS TO CHANGE.

So think about it.... what is happening that you can DO something about. And what is it YOU cannot change yourself

I know that when my life is really crappy those are the questions I have to ask myself. Because the idea that I cannot by my own actions, willpower, or freedom to withdraw from the STRESSOR wigs me out and like you I don't want to bleed just a little. I want to bleed BIG TIME.

Being a teenager is difficult enough, but then you add school (going there, dealing with teachers and things you have to put in your brain, and peers and all the pressure that comes with dealing with them), and you add your emotions (which have no brains... They just are. And the stress in humongous.

Being a cutter, I know that I have to eliminate as many stressors from my life as possible.

My suggestion is to brainstorm and put things down on paper so you can look at them. Separate them into catagories, something like: parents, school, homework, and other demands. And take each category and close your eyes and link up with the emotions and thoughts surrounding each one. I believe when you pinpoint the problem you will see a solution that does not end in your demise.

Hope this helps Love Dawn

I miss him
Posted by Alana on Tue Sep 4 00:51:11 2001 (#10123)

I miss him.

I hate how I've acted. I hate how I treated him. I hate how he hates me.

I miss him.

Re: I miss him
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 4 04:48:47 2001 (#10127)

its ok to miss ppl huN!

I miss him
Posted by Alana on Tue Sep 4 00:51:21 2001 (#10124)

I miss him.

I hate how I've acted. I hate how I treated him. I hate how I love him. I hate how he hates me.

I miss him.

tonight is the night
Posted by lys on Tue Sep 4 06:03:47 2001 (#10128)

i am scared. the bad people are trying to hurt me, they are reading my mind, they are just trying to make me die. I want to die. I can't live anymore. There is no point. The camaras are watching me, the bad people are always watching me and trying to hurt me. No more bad people, no more bad me. All done.

Re: tonight is the night
Posted by Maggie on Tue Sep 4 08:54:23 2001 (#10129)

I'm sorry that I can't help you through this... I don't understand what you are going through, but I know it must be terribly scary for you. I pray that you don't hurt yourself and you can find someone who can give you comfort. Please speak to somebody... you sound very distressed. For every bad person in the world, there are many more nice ones. Be safe... we all love you and are here to listen.

Luv Maggie. xxx

Re: tonight is the night
Posted by ego on Tue Sep 4 09:11:24 2001 (#10130)

in my opinion you have to see a doctor to end the feelings of beeing watched (...) .

Re: tonight is the night
Posted by jes on Tue Sep 4 13:45:40 2001 (#10134)

i know that right now it might not seem like it but things will get better. i (and most of us here) have felt that we can't cope with it anymore for one reason or another but you are strong and you can get over this, i really do think that talking to someone wold help, if you disagree then fine, ignore me, i have been known to be wrong (lol, a lot actually!) but from what you have said it sounds like you really would benefit from talking to someone. take care, jes xx

Re: tonight is the night
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Sep 4 23:43:01 2001 (#10149)

Please hang on honey! I don't have the words to tell you that I care and worry about you. I know I don't know yur pain so nothing I say will make sense, but know that you have many friends here that want you to get some help somewhere. Anywhere. I've been worried about making people mad at me, but there are people in the medical field who can help! I can't worry about making anyone mad anymore cause I'm so scared for you. Please try to find someone who will help you. I hope to see you posting for awhile yet. Email me if you think you would want to talk to me. Please don't hurt yourself. YOU ARE SPECIAL TO EVERYONE HERE AND WE WANT YOU TO BE OKAY! Love always, Rhonda

tried so hard
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 4 15:25:07 2001 (#10135)

u guys when i fisrt started therpy, i was all for holding the ice and writing in a book, to help the urges but these last few months ive been like fuckit its not use i dont care, and i wouldnt even try to stop, but last nite i tried so hard not to cut, and i did!:) im so proud of my self!

Re: tried so hard
Posted by debbie on Tue Sep 4 15:42:47 2001 (#10136)

Hi linzee...I hope you can read this message, now I know you wrote this a few min ago...but know that my strengths are with you, and as long as you can get busy doing something else you know......cool.....keep it up!!you don't have to do it.....that's it....body is just body, but da soul never dies...I know you urge and you crave to be happy...do it slowly...trust me. U are love in itself. if you would like to answer me or email me I'll be checking the posts with frequency...btw, I will turn 20 tomorrow!!! I'm very excited! take care!

Re: tried so hard
Posted by debbie on Tue Sep 4 15:47:47 2001 (#10137)

keep it up......!!!

Re: tried so hard
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Sep 4 23:45:49 2001 (#10150)

Way to go!!! Just go day by day Linzee. That's all anyone of us can do. Email me if you want to. I'm here. Love, Rhonda

Re: tried so hard
Posted by Cecelia on Wed Sep 5 00:37:20 2001 (#10158)

I'm very proud of you, too! Keep up the good work! We're here for u! Luv ya! Best wishes, ali

Good Bye
Posted by KT on Tue Sep 4 18:45:10 2001 (#10139)

I know none of you really know me but I would like to say good bye. Thanks to anyone who gave me the comfort and support through responses to my posts. I fear that I can't go on any longer and didn't want to leave with out saying good bye and thanks. Please do not feel sad or upset by my departure because you are still able to go on, I could no longer fight.

~katie

Re: Good Bye
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Sep 4 23:49:36 2001 (#10151)

Honey, While I can't know the problems you have, I do know that everyone on this board is pulling for you to be okay. We do care about you and I hope I'm speaking for all of us. Please email me if you feel like it. Take care of yourself. YOU'RE SPECIAL!!!! Love, Rhonda

Re: Good Bye
Posted by Dawn on Wed Sep 5 05:41:01 2001 (#10169)

Katie; hello again. I've tried to email you and it doesn't go through. If you wander back this way please know that I care, and your emails meant a lot to me.

Maybe I was overcoming-1 back then, I have a difficult time with my memory.

But I remember you. Stay Safe Love and Hugs.....Dawn

another goodbye
Posted by diana on Tue Sep 4 18:58:42 2001 (#10141)

well i just wanted to write to say that im takin some time away from this board. i needa try 4getting things n just move on w. my damn life. im sick of moanin n feeling sorry for myself. my head is so far up my ass right now that i needa just quit feeling sorry for myself. ill prolly come back once in a while jus to see how things r n shit. feel free 2 email me if you want. good luck w. u'r lives *jus remember to always look on the bright side*. Diana

Re: another goodbye
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Sep 4 23:52:14 2001 (#10152)

Diana, It's okay to leave for awhile. Come back when you are ready. I'll miss you. Love, Rhonda

EACH SUCCESS MAKES US STRONGER
Posted by Dawn on Tue Sep 4 19:11:50 2001 (#10142)

This may come out all screwy because I woke up in extreme physical pain and had to take muscle relaxers and pain killers just to get out of bed.

Linzee's post about trying all the little things therapists tell us to do INSTEAD of cutting was good example that drawing upon something inside ourselves to fight a battle of the mind and our feelings and waking up the next morning with no wound brings about success thinking.

Our brains get the message that we are not easy game any more. We are fighters. But winnig isn't easy. I can't tell you how many times my wrestling failed. But most of the time it has it has been because bottom line I SET MY MIND ON CUTTING and the little tricks were child's play.

But if I set my mind on NOT CUTTING I can find success no matter what I use. And each time I succeed my ability to win the next battle is stronger.

Stay Safe Dawn

i'm down
Posted by katy on Tue Sep 4 19:59:30 2001 (#10144)

hey friends.... i relly dunno what i can do to stop my pain,the cuts i make are not so deep or bad but they mean soo much to me,i really need help and dunno what to do,and the worst is that i don't have a BIG reason why i do this plz mail me back: citygirl_1212@yahoo.com katy

I'm new...
Posted by Cecelia on Tue Sep 4 22:03:46 2001 (#10145)

Hi. My name's ali, and I've been self-injuring on and off since I was six years old. Now thirteen, I've tried to commit suicide many times - the last time last night - but I pulled my head out. THe last time I cut was this morning... I didn't used to cut as much as I have in the last few days... I can almost promise that soon I'll be cutting a few times every day. I'm never going to stop. Are you all SIers?

Re: I'm new...
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 4 22:27:41 2001 (#10147)

yes we are, well maybe not rhonda ( taras mom) ur welcome to post here anytime, i'll try to get back to ya when u do, add me to ur msn list so can chat more. bye! linzEE

Re: I'm new...
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Sep 5 00:00:40 2001 (#10153)

Hi Cecelia, I'm Rhonda and I don't cut. My daughter, Tara, does. She posts here when she gets the chance. This is a very good place to come because there are so many of us who care about each other. I don't claim to know how everyone feels but I still care about everyone's feelings. Please email me if you ever feel like talking. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: I'm new...
Posted by *Poi§on on Wed Sep 5 01:13:33 2001 (#10161)

hey Cecelia, my name is amanda, Welcome to the board, and i hope that you find it useful! I believe i speak for the majority or even all of us here saying Welcome, and hopefully this will become a safe place for you as it has many of us. hehe...check in our HUGE hotel in Canada (imaginary) and make your own safe room, designed EXACTLY the way you want it. just go there in your head any time you need to just check out of reality for a bit.

~Amanda~

for Amanda
Posted by linzee on Wed Sep 5 01:42:18 2001 (#10166)

i really like that last post Amanda,:)

I think I'm addicted to cutting
Posted by Cecelia on Tue Sep 4 22:06:07 2001 (#10146)

I think I'm addicted to cutting... plz email me... maybe if u are a SIer, we can talk...

Re: I think I'm addicted to cutting
Posted by linzee on Tue Sep 4 22:29:24 2001 (#10148)

add me to ur msn list, ( if u use it) if nto give me a shout tell me about ur "story: 6 years old thats pretty young! well try to stay safe!

Re: I think I'm addicted to cutting
Posted by *Poi§on on Wed Sep 5 01:19:01 2001 (#10163)

Hey ali. i feel the same way, i don't know what i would do without cutting. i can't picture a life without it. even when i'm 50. i just dont know... but if you have AIM im me some time.. Cheze2 or E-mail me if you want to talk!

~Amanda~

CUT
Posted by Cecelia on Wed Sep 5 00:05:55 2001 (#10154)

I'm currently a patient of CAPU, Child and Adolescent Unti of Psychiatry. I'll be going back there to sleep tonight, but still going to school this week. I've been there for over a month, and I've gotten WAY worse. I'm going to cut a LOT tonight - more so than I ever have before, and I may even put salt in my wounds. That way, I'll have terrible scars on my wrists that I can look at to remind myself that I am a terrible person and I deserve to die.

Re: CUT
Posted by Tara' Mom on Wed Sep 5 00:11:42 2001 (#10156)

Honey, Nobody deserves to die. Not even you. And I don't think you are a terrible person. I can't stop you from cutting, but please take care of the cuts and keep them clean, okay? Email me sometime. Love, Rhonda

Re: CUT
Posted by Cecelia on Wed Sep 5 00:34:34 2001 (#10157)

Thanks, Rhonda.

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