Please note: This site will look much better in a browser that supports web standards, but it is accessible to any browser or Internet device.

You are here: Home > Archive > Ratatosk.net Forum > Threads 2751 to 2800

Threads 2751 to 2800

*HUGS*
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 8 14:51:39 2001 (#10790)

I've been thinking about hugs. Wierd, i know, but i was thinking how wierd they are, i mean, someone comes up to you (it has to be someone you care about or my theoery doesnt work) and squeezes you and makes it so you can't really move and yet it feels good. I mean, there you are, in a potentially life threatening situation (if this person happens to be fairly strong) and you feel good. One of the few times when you feel good. I guess it's just one of life's little mysteries, that is, 'why does being squeezed and maybe even a little crushed by someone u care about feel so damn good'?? I don't knw but seeing as being hgged always makes me feel even that little bit better, i'm sending out hugs to everyone on this board in the hope that t will make at least a few ppl feel at least a bit better.

(((((((((((EVERYONE)))) ))))))))

love jes xxx

Re: *HUGS*
Posted by Nicke on Mon Oct 8 20:00:09 2001 (#10795)

Well here's sending one right back at ya!!

Nicke

the email addy says it all.....
Posted by Amanda on Mon Oct 8 19:55:23 2001 (#10793)

i cut......twice. no biggy i suppose but i still feel like crap. i feel like im being eaten from the inside out. oh well.

oh and recently, a girl was attacked near my house, by some guy. the police havnt caught the guy. and 2day i was followed home by this guy and i dont know who he was or anything. and where i live, its a farm lane, so there are a lot of people who walk down it. but they all have a bag, a hicking stick or a dog but this guy had nothing. i was totally freaked out, but some sick part of me wanted him to attack me. i feel so sick and evil saying that but its how i have felt all my life. its like i want someone else to punish me for being a bitch all my life. GOD THAT IS SO SICK. im really sorry guys. g2g Amanda

Re: the email addy says it all.....
Posted by Marie on Tue Oct 9 16:07:29 2001 (#10808)

You shouldn't feel evil or sick... I've been in similar situations... (I've been stalked by a guy that liked me and just wouldn't go away) and I kinda wished he'd just attack me and get it over with, on the one hand I hated myself so much I felt like I deserved it and on the other hand it would be nice to just know what he was going to do to me so I wouldn't have to be worried anymore... does that sound crazy or what...

Re: the email addy says it all.....
Posted by Nicke on Wed Oct 10 23:56:31 2001 (#10860)

I feel like that sometimes, Like I wish I would get terminally ill or something, or lose a leg or something really bad. I think that I feel like this because I never really thought that I was justified in my depression so needed something to be depressed about.

N E I can sympathise, g2g Nicke.XXX

NATALIE IMBRUGLIA
Posted by Nicke on Mon Oct 8 20:06:29 2001 (#10796)

Well I agree that Nelly Furtado is ace but I am sitting here listening to Natalie Imbruglia whilst reading posts and I think that her songs are kewl too.

"I ask you to hold me, but you don't wanna hold-it don't work like that, I want you to love me but, you don't wanna love me...."

Nicke

Re: NATALIE IMBRUGLIA
Posted by Fran on Tue Oct 9 17:55:50 2001 (#10816)

She has two other great songs 'TORN' and 'SMOKE'. I always loved the words to 'smoke' they go 'why breathing is bleeding, I was hiding underneath the smoke in the room, it's dark in here...can't hide the past it's pushing me, why breathing is bleeding......'. It's a wonderful song, sad and haunting but really beautiful. 'Torn' is like an anthem for the used and abused and broken- you know that awful feeling that you've woken up with when your so low and ashamed and bruised that you'd rather not exist. It's good to know your not the only one.

I am at my new place... sort of...
Posted by lys on Mon Oct 8 20:11:23 2001 (#10797)

well, I live there now but am using the comp at my parents... And have a cat claw digging into my belly... ow? not anymore.... I just played with her, with strings... she is nuts.... well, I am doign really well... I haven't been cutting much, which is good. I am doing really well in school... and I am painting a lot... And, I saw my grandma for the first time in over 3 years. For thanksgiving dinner.... It was awesome... but I have to go now... I am supposed to be working on my resume... take care!!! lyssie

Re: I am at my new place... sort of...
Posted by Drew on Mon Oct 8 21:17:38 2001 (#10798)

hey alyssi, that's great that you're doing so well. ummm, what school you at now?

thecutthatneverheals:)

Re: I am at my new place... sort of...
Posted by Maggie on Tue Oct 9 09:04:45 2001 (#10806)

It's cool to hear that things are working out good for you now. You deserve some happiness :) Keep us posted.

Hugs, Maggie.

?
Posted by sara on Tue Oct 9 01:41:56 2001 (#10800)

hey all--ok, first i should probably point this out, i'm at a boarding school kind of thing for what would technically be high school seniors but are really in college, anyway. its about a few hours from my house. anyway, today during bio 203 i was called down the office to find my parents along with guidance counsler...one assumed that they called me down to tell me i can graduate early (i applied for early graduation), instead its about my "mental state". they were afraid that my cutting was worsening and that my eating was well lacking. and i am anorexic and i cut, i know that but my parents only knew about the cutting. well, my roomate called her mother to see what she coudl do for me, her mother called my mother and my school; i guess thats what happens when you live with someone for 4 years....they get to know too much. anyway my teachers have also expressed concern along with some close friends. my guidance counsler told me that either she would tell my teacher or i had to all that was going on so that they could be aware, we eat with our teachers, and i guess that she wanted them to "watch" me. but i'm not really sure what to do or where to go with this. any advice?

thanks. sara

Re: ?
Posted by *poison on Tue Oct 9 04:25:47 2001 (#10802)

I know exactly what you mean sara. i'm also trying to graduate early (just gotta check on the school's policy) but recently i was hospitalized (again) and since i'm taking as many classes as possible, i was called down to the guidance office the other day and they made me drop a class, because they thought i was putting too much stress on myself..so..i kinda know what u mean about graduating early and mental health etc. -lol- for me i've actually been eating CONSTANTLY lately just because things aren't going so well at home etc. i just wanna scream and yell and everything and i can't cause i live with my dad and he would kill me. (not literally-i hope) and i haven't seen my therapist in 3 weeks because of a play i'm in. and also because my therapist wants to do family therapy and i really don't want to, because my parents have a way of manipulating all my therapists to thinking that it is all my fault, that i constantly misinterpret what they say. and that they are always providing a loving caring atmosphere that i should feel obliged to talk openly about anything in..they are such liars, I FUKKING HATE THEM!FUCK THEM ALL UP THE ASS!GRRR!!!...sorry...just had to get that out ~KoKo~

bum bum bum.....i can't think of ne thing to type
Posted by *poison on Tue Oct 9 04:18:22 2001 (#10801)

OK...so i've been doing pretty good on not cutting...but it's weird because i feel like i'm doing it a lot more than i really am. like...almost as if i'm dissociating...but i'm not. well...maybe i am? i hope not cause things usually get worse if i start dissociating bad again...have any of you seen the movie "Don't say a word?" I LOVE IT. it is an excellent example of PTSD and..it's kinda funny..but i was so mad at myself when i was watching it...because most people with PTSD know what their problem is, that is why they have flashbacks to it etc..but with me, it's kinda like i have unknown flashbacks. because i act just like someone who does have them...and yet..the feeling is there but the memory isn't...does anyone else have troubles like this? where you don't remember the traumatic events that happened to you???

~KoKo~

Re: bum bum bum.....i can't think of ne thing to t
Posted by Marie on Tue Oct 9 16:14:32 2001 (#10810)

I haven't seen that movie, but I have felt like that... I used to have horrible flash-backs and NO idea why... I still have black spots in my memory... It's so frightening to not know what's going on in your own mind isn't it...

Re: bum bum bum.....i can't think of ne thing to t
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 10 05:16:53 2001 (#10833)

things might and might not come back to you...what might trigger them back up again could be almost anything, I mean Ive always had a fear and hatred towards men in general for no reason me and my counselor were wondering if I was molested as A child and just blocked it out. I guess thats an example...I still cant remember anything .. Id like to see that movie, Ivenever seen it. Maybe there are some meds to help that disorder..im sure theyre are. be safe love KAT

So Close to the End
Posted by UnendingMisery on Tue Oct 9 05:28:20 2001 (#10803)

I don't really know what to say with this. I don't want to be just another complaining voice talking about my petty problems. I'm drunk right now and I just feel like spilling all that's on my mind.

I'm going through a difficult time in my life. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I've been in college forever and I have nothing to show for it. I'm really not looking forward to much of a future. The only reason I'm alive now is because I'm too much of a wuss to blow my head off. I've had my heart broken beyond repair by the girl I was supposed to spend a lifetime with. She's currently LIVING with the guy she cheated on me with. Night after night I have to drink myself to sleep knowing what's going on in that bedroom. It's killing me.

Why do I go on? I want so badly to inflict the pain that I feel on her and her new lover. I want so badly to just erase the misery and myself. I don't cut nearly as frequently as I used to. I think that's going to change. I'm going to cut tonight. I'm drinking right now. I don't know how many shots of whiskey I've got in me now. I like to numb myself up so that I can push myself beyond my normal (sober) limits. It's all that I know to do.

As usual, I'll post the pictures to my site when I've got the time. I like the world to see what I do to myself. Some people think it's morbid. Others relate completely. I think it helps more than it hurts.

No responses are needed. I just wanted to spill some things. Take care. --Jason www.darkhosts.com/iammisery

Re: So Close to the End
Posted by Maggie on Tue Oct 9 09:00:39 2001 (#10805)

Dear Jason. Sorry I haven't replied to your last email yet... it sounds like you are having really crap time at the moment. I know this is not much consolation, but if the girl cheated on you then she is not really worth your anguish. I know it must be painful to think about it, but eventually when you find someone else who makes you just as happy, you'll regret having to associate certain scars with somebody who was only in your life such a small time compared to the time you'll spend with your future partner. All of us have gone through those painful breakups when we are certain we'll never get over it, but we all do in time. There's some girl out there right now who may even be feeling as shitty as you, but one day you'll meet and you'll never look back. Try limit the harm you inflict on yourself... you don't want to be reminded of your ex-bitch by your torso for the rest of your life.

Hugs, Maggie.

Re: So Close to the End
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 10 05:02:21 2001 (#10829)

Hi I just wanted you to know Im thinking about you and am concerned..I e-mailed you so check your mail.
:) take care

Re: So Close to the End
Posted by post a farmers pickle pipe on Thu Oct 11 04:59:08 2001 (#10863)

drinking 2 - everything I do I do because I'm me - urrghh....if I knew the truth would hurt this much I'd have had me born a liar.hats don't piss.not asking for a hat/bladder debate - just saying they don't . sorry it's hurting so much, I would attempt agony aunt stuff but drink talks even more bollocks than a sober non pissed me does - so I won't. dfjskdf

oh dhfjdsfsd

farmers

sing-song
Posted by jes on Tue Oct 9 16:05:33 2001 (#10807)

IN THE END

It starts with One thing I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To explain in due time All I know Time is a valuable thing Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings Watch it count down to the end of the day The clock ticks life away It's so unreal Didn't look out below Watch the time go right out the window Trying to hold on but didn't even know Wasted it all just to Watch you go I kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried

I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall And lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter

One thing I don't know why Doesn't even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To explain in due time I tried so hard In spite of the way you were mocking me Acting like I was part of your property Remembering all the times you fought with me I'm surprised it got so (far) Things aren't the way they were before You wouldn't even recognize me anymore Not that you knew me back then But it all comes back to me In the end You kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried

I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall And lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter

I put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go And for all this There's only one thing you should know

Re: sing-song
Posted by Marie on Tue Oct 9 16:09:24 2001 (#10809)

I love that song... It speaks to me thanks for posting it!

Re: sing-song
Posted by *me* on Tue Oct 9 22:10:04 2001 (#10820)

That's a really great song! I like it. Who sings it?

Re: sing-song
Posted by jes on Wed Oct 10 14:48:52 2001 (#10842)

It's Linkin Park. :-)

Re: sing-song
Posted by star on Tue Oct 16 12:09:53 2001 (#10969)

its scary how much that appeals to me, its such a real thing thats the problem or maybe thats just me. *

.
Posted by jes on Tue Oct 9 16:16:06 2001 (#10811)

joey made a boo-boo. joey made a boo-boo. boo-boo boo-boo boo-boo boo-boo boo-boo boooo

celbrate with me
Posted by val on Tue Oct 9 16:23:37 2001 (#10812)

just realised its 4 months tomorow since I last cut and I feel great! It hasn't been easy and there's been times I really wanted to but I haven't. That's a real achievement 4 me so I want to celebrate!!!

Re: celbrate with me
Posted by Fran on Tue Oct 9 17:59:48 2001 (#10817)

You deserve a big hug too. The last person that deserves to be hurt is you.. you know you can do it. So here's to the beating it for 4months . Take care stay safe From Fran (new but old girl!!!)

Re: celbrate with me
Posted by Nicke on Tue Oct 9 22:32:45 2001 (#10821)

Well done I am so proud of you. I know I don't know you but I know how great it feels to have stopped. Keep up the good work

Stay strong, Nicke. XXX

Re: celbrate with me
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 10 04:55:06 2001 (#10828)

yay!!! good for you....I always thought I couldnt let a day go by w/ o cutting and so far its been alot of days..... so anyway I know what you mean by an accomplishment. Congradulations..keep it up! Love KAT

Re: celbrate with me
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Wed Oct 10 13:07:15 2001 (#10840)

YAY :-) celebrate good times COME ON

Re: celbrate with me
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Oct 12 03:03:30 2001 (#10875)

Way to go Val. I know it's hard, but you're doing great. Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

Therapists
Posted by divingmermaid on Tue Oct 9 17:37:53 2001 (#10814)

I am quite confused. I started psychotherapy three months ago and my therapist used to encourage me to get ot a lot and meet people and reckoned that would solve my proble. So it seemed to me what he was saying. I moved to a new city last week and had to find a new therapist who told me today that I will not be able to solve my problem just like that and talked about clinical psychotherapy. It feels that my first therapist did not take me serious enough and my new one takes me too serious. I do not think that any of you can give me an answer to that of course I just wanted to put it into words. Maybe you experiences similar confusing issues with therapists. What I not want is to go into a psychosomatic clinic. No way! I have just started University being 34 years old I feel I have no time to loose. Maybe University will be thepeutic self esteem meeting people and all that. Sorry I have bored you with all that. Christina

Re: Therapists
Posted by Fran on Tue Oct 9 18:10:04 2001 (#10818)

I've had conflicting messages too. First I was told my problems were serious and they weren't sure how they could be solved I was put on medication- it didn't work I was taken off. Then I was told moving to college would solve my problems because I'd be meeting people. It hasn't had much of an effect my guilt and my past is buried within, sometimes going out has made it worse and I've cut anyway. My new psychiatrist has refered me to psychotherapy involving the relationships in my life because I "find it hard to get close to people". Aparentely my problems according to him are symptons of my controlling parents, and unhappy childhood, I will start to eat properly and stop cutting and not feel depressed once I have been away from them a bit longer. Last year, I was told I migth have to be hospitalized. It swings from one to the other. I used to place alot of hope in Psychiatrists and therapy, but now they just make me angry how can they make such assumptions abotu me, when I've hardly talked about my past, what makes me hurt. They know what they think before oyu walk into that room- I just tell them what they want to hear, it's like no one want to listen to the truth. I spent much time denying i had problems and I was told to admit and accept them, I get transfered and they tell me they aren't really problems just as I had started to admit to myself I was not coping. Maybe your therapist will be better, I hope so, let me know how you get on. Love Fran

Re: Therapists
Posted by Marie on Tue Oct 9 21:44:51 2001 (#10819)

I have had conflicting therapists too, but the best results I've had so far was through behavior therapy... psychotherapy did nothing for me... talking things out over and over only made them more real for me... and I never shared true, raw feelings... behavior therapy was exactly what I needed... Bill (my last therapist) was a good listener without being pushy... he never asked to see my scars, and he gave me homework assignments that were really helpful... could be something to look into.

Re: Therapists
Posted by Nicke on Tue Oct 9 22:37:36 2001 (#10822)

I thought my Councellor was getting to emotionally involved with me but it turns out she just really cares for me. I found that wasn't getting paid when she came to work with me. It could have been a problem but it helped really because it meant I knew that she really cared about me. I had my last session today and we have become friends.

So I think it may not be a bad thing that your therapist is taking you seriously or too seiously!!

Sry I wasn't much help, but I do sincerely hope you sort things out.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXX

Finding the rigth therapist for you is important
Posted by Dawn on Wed Oct 10 05:02:28 2001 (#10830)

I've been in therapy, in one form or another for about 20 years... Bible Study, Al-Anon, AA, NA, Battered Women's Support Group, and psychotherapy. Recovery from ANYTHING is a process. Oh I forgot one very important one that I went to only a few weeks, Parents (who abuse?). That one was hard, because I had to actually say, "I abused my children", but once I had spoken that truth, it was done for me.

This is only my opinion and like all opinions or advise the reader or hearer has the right to take it, leave it, or find pieces that fit themselves and leave the rest. Anyway, I had one ver terrific therapist who asked me "Dawn, what do you want?" No one had ever asked me that before and it took some time before I could give her an answer.

It is also my opinion that you only get out of therapy, no matter what source, what you put into it. If you hide your pain, your pain will never go away. If you hide your behaviors, your behaviors will never change. If you hide your secrets your secrets will destroy you from the inside out.

There is a saying, "If you do the same thing everyday you will get the same results.

Finding the right therapist might mean you have to fire the one you have and try out a few others before you find the right one for you. It is a weird.... very BOLD move, but it works. I know because that great therapist I told you about taught me that and several years, and several moves later I fired two. Both turned out to be the right decision.

Cutting: My Poem
Posted by Nicole aka:freckles on Tue Oct 9 22:48:10 2001 (#10823)

Bloodstained by Nicole Pruitt

I have a bloodstained razorblade I use it everyday, it makes it's grand appearance when know one wants to play.I cut myself I make me bleed just to forget the past, I put it in it's hiding place but I can find it fast.One day I'd like to lose it though I'm afraid of how I'd feel, I'd never hurt myself again and maybe then I'd heal.But for now it's all I've got, maybe my only friend, someday I'll get the help I need, or will I find the end?

Thank you for reading my poem.

Re: Cutting: My Poem
Posted by Nicke on Wed Oct 10 22:01:19 2001 (#10853)

That was very good. I know alot of people who have written on here have said it helps.

Maybe you could try and use writtin as an outlet for your emotions.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXX

Cutting: My Poem
Posted by Nicole aka:freckles on Tue Oct 9 22:48:13 2001 (#10824)

Bloodstained by Nicole Pruitt

Thank you for reading my poem.

Re: Cutting: My Poem
Posted by UnendingMisery on Wed Oct 10 04:32:45 2001 (#10826)

I really really like that. I'm so envious of people that have poetic talent. I feel like I've got the stuff in me but I can't turn it into words like that. I've tried, it sounds terrible.

Keep it up and take care. Good luck "getting the help you need."

--Jason www.darkhosts.com/iammisery

so...
Posted by sara on Wed Oct 10 04:10:33 2001 (#10825)

ok, so i felt like crap after the other day. and i cut alot. and for some reason i did it on the inside of my arm where it bends at the elbow and it really hurts and is red and stuff. its never done this before. i can't really bend my arm. i'm not really sure what to do..

sara

Re: so...
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 10 04:53:33 2001 (#10827)

put some soothing lotion on it or antibiotics it might hurt at first but it will feel so much better soon...hopefully. I have never cut there ..and I always felt the pain of my cuts as a good feeling so Im sorry your hurting. I can tell you what to do....dont cut anymore!!! I know I know, way easier said then done..but you've gotta start somewhere and if you mess up you can always start over. Ive been cut free for almost 2 or 3 months now, thats a miracle to me..I cant even believe it, I cant even believe Im alive now. Please be careful stay safe ... love -KAT

WOUND CARE
Posted by Dawn on Wed Oct 10 05:10:33 2001 (#10832)

The most important thing in wound care is KEEP IT CLEAN. Soap and warm water is good wound care that has been around for centuries. Antibiotic ointment is good to fight infections. Keeping the wound dry and bandaged helps speed healing and keeps out bacteria.

Re: so...
Posted by Maggie on Wed Oct 10 12:08:41 2001 (#10837)

Hi Sara,

Is the reason you can't bend it because it hurts too much, or because it physically wont move? I ask this because if you can't move it, you mave have damaged a nerve or tendon that runs close to the surface on that part of your arm. In this case, you will need to see a doctor. Otherwise, keep it clean, and take care of yourself.

Hugs, Maggie.

Help
Posted by KAT on Wed Oct 10 05:10:07 2001 (#10831)

This can also be used as some adivice for sara ( if you choose to consider my porblems as well :) ) ok so...anyway..I only see my counselor once ever week now Im getting off my meds in Jan. I dont ever go to my NA meetings anymore and yet I seem to be okay. Im scared the next bad thing that happens Im just going to go insane and flip out and start hacking up my face w/ a knife or some thing of the sort. most of the cutting I did was during a time when I wasnt mentally stable no matter it be drugs alcohol or deep rage at the time, so I regret all my scars I live with these days. I dont really know what im trying to say....Ill be glad if anyone even reads this.. so I had this deep hatred over the past few months about a hurtful break up and my ex boyfriend going w/ my best friend. well Ive reconciled w/ my best friend and I love her to pieces ..plus it wasnt good the hate I had. but My ex boyfriend and her arent together anymore and he is still in the picture though. I almost took my life because of this BOY and now Im expected to go nd have fun w. him. The sight of him makes me ill. what should I do....anyone???? Im wanting to go back to my old school where all my friends are , but I left bc of the drugs and the cutting I was doing bc of the stress. and Im afraid if I go back I will be so embarrsed ..all the kids in the school plus the teachers plus the principal know that I went fucking psycho and almost killed myself and I can just imagine the rumors. but I really would love to graduate w/ all my friends.........HEEEEELLLLLLLL P TAKE CARE -LOVE KAT

Re: Help
Posted by kae on Wed Oct 10 10:25:32 2001 (#10835)

i can understand your pain at the moment. i havent suffered in the same way you have, but my closest friend is. she was raped several months ago and is having a really hard time trying to come to terms with it. she is also cutting, which i fear she got off me. ive been cutting for over a year, and its getting worse lately due to all the stress around me. its so great that you've recovered from your past. the worst thing you can do at the moment is to start looking backwards, and thinking of all the "what if?'s". the best thing you can do is to ease yourself back into school and your social crowd again. you have to keep positive - the only way out of hell is to go right through it. you're already most of the way there. remember - things aren't always going to be this way. things WILL get better. take care and be happy :) hugz **kae**

P L E Z R E A D !!!!
Posted by Dawn on Wed Oct 10 05:52:23 2001 (#10834)

Actually plez read my response to Sara's so.. and my response about Therapists. I'm no authority, but I've been around the block a time or two.

I also want you all to know that it is very important to celebrate mile stones in our lives. When I was cutting several times a day every day, and then I didn't cut at all the next day I rewarded myself with something good. If I went a week I rewarded myself something better. I love balloons, so I used my valuable change and splurged and bought myself a mylar balloon that said congratulations on it. When people asked what the balloon was for I told them, "I haven't hurt myself for a week." and most responded, "Good for you."

I'm not certain, we can never be absolutely sure, but I think I quit cutting. I don't have to anymore. I cut because my life just like my heart was broken, and nothing I did. Not all the confessing of all the bad things that happened to me, or that I did throughout my lifetime, none of it gave me back my babies and my husband. Nothing ever will. My babies are grown, the two girls have children of their own, my son refuses to populate the world with anymore messed up people, and my ex-husband is married to a woman who has him by the _____, with all his schemes. And now I have only to look in a mirror and unveil my tattoo of my crying broken heart and it says it all.

I know my kids love me. yesterday I got an email from my son. He is only a man of many written words when he is enraged. Yesterday's message had only three words, "I love you" Tonight my webtv chimed that a buddy was connected. It was my younger daughter. We talked about loving each other and how I had focused my attention in my marriages to her father on keeping the family together and how sorry I am now. Her repy was something about what I say about myself.

You young ones who find it difficult to find people to confide in who will believe your pain. Don't spend your life fighting to win that battle. In the end, only you know the truth. Others run into Egypt and swim in the river of DENILE, because they can't face the truth about you without facing the truths about themselves.

Here is to living the truth. Dawn

Re: P L E Z R E A D !!!!
Posted by Marie on Thu Oct 11 15:36:02 2001 (#10865)

Cutting isn't about denile for me... you make us sound like we're inexperianced or naieve, but we're not... why are you being so patronizing? You were a cutter... have you forgotten how strong that pull is? just because you don't cut anymore doesn't mean the rest of us will get better by "waking up" We need real help and understanding, not more fix-it-quick solutions... I'm sure we've all tried several and they don't work... you've had years to come to terms with this, cut the rest of us a little slack.. I know you mean well with your posts, but to me (at least) it sounds like one more lecture... we've all "been there and done that" How about a little support and less judgement????(please)

Marie, I was talking about our loved ones
Posted by Dawn on Fri Oct 12 06:23:42 2001 (#10878)

I am a cutter. I hope my tattoo will help me to stop..... But I was talking about my children being in denile. I was also talking about other people who love us cutters, but deny they see the cutting, deny that we have problems that lead us to our blades.

Precisely I was talking about my daughter making a remark about the reality of my mental illness. My children do not want to face the fact that I am mental ill.

Others have parents who see the scars and call the scratches and never say another word about it. That, Marie, is denile.

Have I made it clear?

Judgement, no way. I am just like everyone else here. Some days are crappy and I need to cut to deal with whatever it was that made me wig out.

I think you are the first one who has written to me telling me off for not being supportive.

I am one of you. I know what it takes to resist the urges that scream at us to cut. You got it wrong. I hope you see that now. I love all of you. Dawn

Re: Marie, I was talking about our loved ones
Posted by +*^*+youknowwho+*^*+ on Wed Oct 17 20:55:13 2001 (#11005)

trust me she isnt the first - i have made many statements - but still you ignore them, and finally somebody else see's you. im not saying you are a bad person. but you lecture, and you contradict. i guess thats why your so in love with your religion - your exactly the same.

Dawn...
Posted by Marie on Thu Oct 18 15:12:05 2001 (#11018)

I just read your explanation... I'm sorry you find me harsh or judgemental, Can't change who I am though, and your post still seems harsh to me.

im the new girl...
Posted by kae on Wed Oct 10 10:46:22 2001 (#10836)

hey everyone.... i found out about this page from an internet counsellor. from reading through the messages i can tell you guys all know each other. anywayz i can relate to a lot of what goes in here and i just wanna say hi guys....id like to talk to ya every now and then. cya **kae**

Re: im the new girl...
Posted by Angelica on Wed Oct 10 12:18:00 2001 (#10838)

HI Kae I just want to say hi and welcome you. I hope you like it here, it helps a lot of people, including me. I don't post very often, but I do try to read as much as I can. If you ever want a chat, please feel free to e-mail me anytime. LOve 'n' blood soaked tears xxx

Re: im the new girl...
Posted by Maggie on Wed Oct 10 12:38:10 2001 (#10839)

Hi Kae,

I'm glad you strolled onto this board. It's a good place to come and talk about absolutely anything where nobody will judge you for it, and you'll always be accepted.

Hope you hang around. From Maggie :)

Re: im the new girl...
Posted by Nicke on Wed Oct 10 15:21:57 2001 (#10843)

Tell us a bit about ur self if you want.

Re: im the new girl...
Posted by Amanda on Wed Oct 10 20:02:48 2001 (#10847)

HEY!!! welcome to our humble site!!! as ppl have already said this is a place where no judgement is passes, we will take you for who you are not anything you do. we will all accept you and you are welcome to come here as often as you like, i hope you stick around. new faces here are great!!!

Love and Hope Amanda

parents originally thenn other stuff
Posted by The boy in the bubble on Wed Oct 10 13:23:30 2001 (#10841)

my mother is at the moment telling me i should come off medication. i'm only on basic medication prozac and it dosen't always help but it's there for a reason. she doesn't know about my latest attack on my left arm but she knows i have done it before and you would think would not be completley surprised if i did it again she doesn't approve (i don't think) of my psychiatrists because my sister had a boyfriend who went to one and she didn't like him and didn't want her seeing him because of that. i feel a bit trapped at the moment you see because i get fed up with seeing a different psychiatrist everytime i go and not being able to build up any form of a relationship which is important. i haven't cut for a week now and little victories are keeping me going i am thinking of telling a friend but i don't know who. you see i have had friends who i talk to face to face but this time i don't have one that i see all the time. i don't feel i can completley trust everyone in my house although one of the definatly knows i've done it before and i think the others do. i need to talk about actual feelings to people becuase i'm experiancing stuff i don't wanna experiance

have fun

If you’re thinking of me, you’ve gotta let me know 'Cause loneliness seems such a waste, I can’t stop feeling low (if you're thinking of me - Dodgy)

Re: parents originally thenn other stuff
Posted by Jenny on Wed Oct 10 15:38:22 2001 (#10844)

Hey you sound so dam pissed off??! one of the hardest theings i eva had to do woz tel some one and at 15 it is, im 16 now. ill write to you at a later date as i ave a lesson now, u ave probably guessed im still at skool, well 6th form, write to me love jenny

for French-speaking person
Posted by cygnenoir on Wed Oct 10 17:33:12 2001 (#10845)

y'a t'il des francophones ici avec qui je pourrais discuter? j'ai besoin d'aide

Re: for French-speaking person
Posted by *poison on Wed Oct 10 21:25:57 2001 (#10849)

Je parle un peu francais. est-ce que je puis (pouvoir?) vous aider? je suis en lycee et toi? Je ne écris pas bien. je suis désolé.

~KoKo~

Re: for French-speaking person
Posted by *poison on Wed Oct 10 21:29:21 2001 (#10850)

Je parle un peu francais. Je peut aidez-vous? je suis en lycee et toi? Je ne écris pas bien. je suis désolé.

~KoKo~

Re: for French-speaking person
Posted by Maggie on Mon Oct 15 12:27:45 2001 (#10944)

J'ai etudie le francais depuis 6 ans, et voudrais bien essayer vous aider. J'habite en Nouvelle-Zelande et j'ai 20 ans. J'ai commence me couper il y a une annee, mais au present il n'est pas si grave qu'avant.

J'espere que vous reviendrez ici bientot.

Maggie.

dont know any more...dont read its just a vent!!!!
Posted by Amanda on Wed Oct 10 19:58:23 2001 (#10846)

i used to think that maybe i was close to being able to say that i was no longer a cutter, but now i feel like im right back where i started. winters coming up so its really easy for me to hide my cuts and im so scared that i wont be able to resist it. im so scared that i will be unable to stop myself and i really dont want to hurt my boyfriend. i love him so much but i feel like i need to cut. i hurt him so much and every timei hurt him, i hurt inside so much more. when i talk to him and he tells me how sorry he is for hurting me in the past but im the one that is still hurting him now. its me that causes most of the arguments that he and i have. i hate this feeling that i have inside, he asks me to tell him if i have cut coz he wants to know and i tell him and he just goes really quiet. i never know wot to say to him...i dont want to hurt him but i want him to know. i suppose i want him to just tell me that its OK and it doesnt matter but he doesnt as thats not how he feels. i cant expect him to say that....but i ....i dunno i want him to just tell me that everything will turn out alright. i want him to hug me and just make me feel safe. i want everything to go away and let me get on with my life. im scared that i wont be able to stop hurting him. i dont care about hurting myself but i so hate hurting leslie. he doesnt deserve that. hes just getting himself sorted out after all the shit he's been through so he doesnt need me buggering it up for him. i really want to cut/cry/feel the pain that i have. i feel so numb....i want to either feel my pain or i want it to go away. i know its there....waiting to leap onto me and make me do something that i dont want to do. and this weekend, im staying with my boyfriend, i have two fresh cuts on my shoulders, and 10 new scars. i dont have a clue wot im going to say to him. its his birthday and im going to ruin it for him. its supposed to be fun and partying but now....now im not so sure. all my emotions and pain are building up inside me i feel them there, but i dont feel those emotions and pain as feelings, to me they are just a presence. watching waiting for the right moment, the moment when im most vulnerable.

My MIND.... Blurred vision, And crowded paths, Blindfolded and bound, Mind buzzing, Succumbing to the dreary sound, Thoughts and feelings, Hidden away, Biding their time, Soon to make me pay, For the crime against myself, The pain i caused to others, Friends and neighbours, Sisters and brothers, Freedome has left, Never to be recovered, Bound by my mind, Emotions...... Where to find???

more feeling, more thought. the only way i have to express them is through poetry and art. i cant show you any of my pictures as i dont have a scanner but i would love to. well i just really dont know wot to do with myself, i feel useless, unworthy and un-needed. i feel bad cause im not doing anything, but if do something to release my feelings, ill hurt everyone else because ill have cut. and i dont want to let myself cut coz i dont know how far ill go. i want to be covered in my own blood(every time i say that i think it sounds gross!) i want to see the rich colour of it every where. i want it so badly. but if i let myself have it, how far will i let myself go?? one cut, 5, 100...or worse. I JUST DONT KNOW ANY MORE!!!!!!!

soz guys i had to vent. Love and Hope Amanda

had to read anyway
Posted by jue on Wed Oct 10 22:26:26 2001 (#10855)

hey Amanda.

I don't really know you all that well, but as i was reading your post it reminded me so much of my own venting and the confusing,contradicting thoughts that roll over and over in my head. this is one thing that has helped me to be a little more clear with others: i just tell them things like exactly what was written in your post. how i don't want to tell them but i don't want to dissappont them. just be completely honest and hopefully they will be back to you. this is what i am told and it really makes sense: FEELINGS ARE NEVER RIGHT OR WRONG THEY ARE THINGS THAT SHOULD'NT BE IGNORED BUT RECOGNIZED, ACCEPTED AND SHARED. it helps it honestly does. be careful. don't judge your feelings or your boyfriends, i don't think anyone can help their feelings. i hope for you. take care of yourself.

love julie

Hey hunny...
Posted by Nicke on Wed Oct 10 23:40:32 2001 (#10859)

Listen, some of the things you have said sound so familiar. All the conflicting emotions can seriously play havoc. That was my main problem. I knew what I was doing was wrong or not the best option but I needed to do it and couldn't understand. In the end I just found other ways of dealing with that urge to cut. I locked myself in my flat and threw away anything I might have used to hurt myself.

Another thing, you said you wanted to let go but I realised that that was something I didn't want to do because I was scared of being happy. It was an unfamiliar emotion and it scared me. I still get scared sometimes but I feel more guilty like what right have I got to feel happy?? But then I just think that I am a valuable, good person and tell meself wonderful things about myself.

That is one suggestion I have for you. Stop focusing on the negativity and consentrate on the positive things. If you look hard enough you will find them. I know that is relatively easy for me to say but who said it is an easy road to gettin better. The first step is definetly the hardest. Once you make the first move then things will go right for you...if you let them!

I am sure your boyfriend would stand by you, it sounds like you have a good relationship. (only an observation)

Anyway sry if I haven't helped. Thought I would share some things about what helped me through.

Good luck, Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: dont know any more...dont read its just a vent
Posted by jes on Thu Oct 11 14:04:33 2001 (#10864)

hey, i know it's hard when there's other ppl involved, u want to talk to them and tell them how you feel but u can't because you don' want to hurt them. but if yo don't talk to them then they think that ur purposefully shutting them out. it's hard to know what to do or what ur going to do. just know that ur not alone and that we are always here for you. love jes xx

Not just a rant...
Posted by Marie on Thu Oct 11 15:43:19 2001 (#10866)

Amanda, you can't always give in to everyone, not even your boyfriend- no matter how much you love him... He needs to be there to support you and offer you understanding, not to judge you and make you feel bad... he needs to understand how personal cutting is and that if you cut it has nothing to do with him... unless you're cutting because of something he did.. then you guys need to talk it out... do you have a pretty open relationship? can you talk to him about things like that without him getting upset? Please don't feel bad for using the one coping mechanism that really works for you... it's a scarey world out there... we all want to get "better" but it will never be so easy as putting down the knife and just walking away... we're all here for you... xoxo ~hugs~

nicke....ur bak!!!!
Posted by Amanda on Wed Oct 10 20:06:55 2001 (#10848)

hey nicke, ive just noticed that ur bak!!! how r u? i havent seen you around for ages, let me know how ur doing pls. email me if you want. Love and Hope Amanda ps u may remember me as lost and lonly

Re: nicke....ur bak!!!!
Posted by Nicke on Wed Oct 10 21:49:31 2001 (#10851)

Yeah I remember you. I have been lurking for the last couple of weeks but I have been reading when I can.

I do remember you as lost and lonely but also as Amanda.

I haven't been posting much because I have been trying to fit in amongst all the other members as to them I am new.

Glad you remember me though I didn't think any one would and then I see Fran is back too. She posted again on the same day that I first posted again...weird.

N E way if you want to know how I am doing then read the post TO FRAN.

g2g Nicke. XXXX

WELDONE!!!!
Posted by Amanda on Wed Oct 10 22:12:10 2001 (#10854)

congrats!!! ur doing so well. im glad you came back, ive missed you! i hope you manage to stay cut free forever coz you deserve to live without the pain. well g2g. Love and Hope Amanda

Re: WELDONE!!!!
Posted by jue on Wed Oct 10 22:29:00 2001 (#10856)

oh.... Amanda i remember you as lost and lonly. well take care. sorry

Panic attacks!!!
Posted by Nicke on Wed Oct 10 21:51:38 2001 (#10852)

Yesterday everything was going really well and OI finally felt like I had some closure on my past and then 2day I go and have a panic attack. It was as if it was trying to say HA!! who said you could get better!!!

N E way g2g

Thanx 4 listenin Nicke

Re: Panic attacks!!!
Posted by jue on Wed Oct 10 22:30:30 2001 (#10857)

i hate panic attacks. someimes they come at the strangest times for no reason at all. take care

Re: Panic attacks!!!
Posted by Nicke on Wed Oct 10 23:24:16 2001 (#10858)

Thanx

Re: Panic attacks!!!
Posted by *me* on Thu Oct 11 02:29:30 2001 (#10862)

OMG I'm sorry you get panic attacks, too! They SUCK. I get them when I'm really nervous or surprised, and I get them a LOT for no reason whatsoever. Those are the worse. I'll just be sitting in a class or something and my heart will begin beating really fast and it's up in my throat and I can't breathe but I'm trying to act all normal because no one knows about nething. OoOooOOoO hate it hate it hate it. Dunno ne advice to give ya, but I can sympathize! Take care and stay safe! Lots of love.

another sing-song!
Posted by jes on Thu Oct 11 17:39:45 2001 (#10867)

silly title cos it makes me cry!

Don't Cry

Talk to me softly There's something in your eyes Don't hang your head in sorrow And please don't cry I know how you feel inside I've been there before Somethin's changin' inside you And don't you know

Don't you cry tonight I still love you baby Don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry tonight

Give me a whisper And give me a sigh Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye Don't you take it so hard now And please don't take it so bad I'll still be thinkin' of you And the times we had...baby

And don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry tonight

And please remember that I never lied And please remember how I felt inside now honey You gotta make it your own way But you'll be alright now sugar You'll feel better tomorrow Come the morning light now baby

And don't you cry tonight An don't you cry tonight An don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry Don't you ever cry Don't you cry tonight Baby maybe someday Don't you cry Don't you ever cry Don't you cry Tonight

Re: another sing-song!
Posted by Staci on Thu Oct 11 22:12:41 2001 (#10871)

This song makes me cry too...This guy who liked me played it for me one night I was out with him driving in his truck. He said he thought of me when he heard it. Well, I turned him down when he wanted to get seriuos and he moved away to Virginia three days ago. I miss him a lot and have played this song on repeat for the past few days. I mean, he hardly said goodbye, because he was too busy. Anyways, thanks for posting it...

Re: another sing-song!
Posted by star on Tue Oct 16 12:01:27 2001 (#10968)

that was beautiful i love that song as you know, i still love you baby Amz x

Re: another sing-song!
Posted by Emma on Wed Oct 17 11:19:55 2001 (#10990)

thats sweet, 2 peeps definalty no that i love that song,hehe.

I found a good one too, try n guess??

And the sky was made of amethyst And all the stars were just like little fish You should learn when to go You should learn how to say no Might last a day yeah Mine is forever Might last a day Mine is forever When they get what they want, they never want it again And they get what they want, and they never want it again Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to Go on take everything, take everything I want you to

And the sky was all violet I want it again but violent more violent And I'm the one with no soul One above and one below Might last a day yeah Mine is forever Might last a day yeah Mine is forever When they get what they want, and they never want it again And thay get what they want well they never want it again When I get what I want and I never want it again When I get what I want and I never want it again And I told you from the start just how it would end When I get what I want well I never want it again Go on take everything, take everything I want you to Go on take everything, take everything I want you to Oh my life, you're my, you're my life Oh my life, you're my, you're my life (mumbled) Go on take everything, take everything I want you to Go on take everything, take everything I want you to Go on take everything, take everything I want you to Go on take everything, take everything Take everything, take everything

????? ;) xx

Re: another sing-song!
Posted by jes on Wed Oct 17 12:49:15 2001 (#10994)

i like that, but what is it? i think i recognise it but i'm not sure. love jes xx

Re: another sing-song!
Posted by star on Wed Oct 17 13:20:16 2001 (#10998)

wow Hole Violet i love that song, is this emm or another one? i wasnt sure hey there anyway what a wicked song love and licks Amz x

Re: another sing-song!
Posted by Emma on Mon Oct 22 17:14:20 2001 (#11130)

Hehe, yeah sorry hunneys it me!! ;) Hole Violet, i know i know, Courtney love i know,lol. But its so damn beautiful!! kisses. emm xxx

cuts and stitches
Posted by erica on Thu Oct 11 19:23:15 2001 (#10868)

O.K. guys, I'm starting to get scared. My cuts keep getting deeper. The only problem is that I don't know when I need stitches. I don't know how to tell. Can anyone help me out. I mean I am taping them shut right now, I just have no idea how to tell if they need stitches.

Erica

Re: cuts and stitches
Posted by Bina on Thu Oct 11 20:13:45 2001 (#10869)

Hi! I have the same problem, I don't know when I need stitches too. I close the edges everytime with tape but sometimes that doesn't work realy?! But at the moment I wont go to the doctor because I don't want that he knows from my self-injuring...

Bye Bina!

Re: cuts and stitches
Posted by Nicke on Thu Oct 11 20:30:52 2001 (#10870)

I never had stitches for any of mine cuts because I always left it too late. You are supposed to get them stitched straight away to pull together the edges of the cut. If you don't get them done straight away and they start to heal then butterfly stitches will do...I always had them!!

Good luck, Nicke.XXX

8 hour window for stitches
Posted by Dawn on Fri Oct 12 06:43:37 2001 (#10879)

I've had lots of stitches. To tell the truth there are times, lots of times, that it was the stitches I needed and I cut specifically to get them.

If the wound is say a half inch long and deep enough to separate on its own when you bend your arm or extend your leg, and the bleeding doesn't stop with pressure then I'm almost positive stitches are in order.

I probably shouldn't be telling you this but if I am cutting and I know that I've gone too far and that I need stitches, I cut some more to make it worth the hassle of going to the hospital.

I am on a managed health care plan that says I cannot just go to the ER. That I have to call my doctor's office first, so most of the time I stop cutting before I need stitches.

If you do need to close a wound yourself please clean it well, use an anitbiotic ointment on it and put a bandaid on it, pulling the bottom up to meet the top.

Doctors have given me steri strips to pull the wound together if it has been over 8 hours. I do not know it you can buy them at a pharmacy or not. You also need some TINTCURE fluid to put on using a cotton swab on both sides so that the steri strips stay in place. That you can buy at a pharmacy.

The main thing is keep it clean, dry, and bandaged. And stay safe. Love and Hugs Dawn

Re: cuts and stitches
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 13 08:15:34 2001 (#10910)

when the blood wont stop..I mean honestly will not stop you need stitches and also if the blood does stop but the wound doesnt look like it's scabbing or closing up....go get your self some nice new stitches

Re: cuts and stitches
Posted by Bina on Sat Oct 13 17:45:06 2001 (#10923)

I've heard, that if you can see fat in the wound you need stitches, but I don't know if that is right?!

meds
Posted by emm on Thu Oct 11 22:47:00 2001 (#10872)

ok.things are getting bad. im cutting about 100 times a noght and somethings got to change.im always feeling depressed and upset.and generally very tearfull. ive been on prozac and i think i need something to help the panic attaks and stuff but im to scared to go to the doctors because they will section me again.

is there any type of meds that dont require perscription?

i know things are getting bad and are getting worse. Please help me. im cutting myself to pieces.

HELP me. if you have any ifo please reply. Emma***

Re: meds
Posted by Dawm on Fri Oct 12 06:55:24 2001 (#10880)

honey, I'm so sorry things are so bad. And I know you don't want to hear this, but you need different meds, Prozac is not working.

You need to see a doctor, and maybe you need to be hospitalized for a few days. I love you emm. I've missed you. I do not want to lose you. You are a precious person, you just need the right meds. Prozac did not work for me either. Now I'm on Trazodone and Amitriptline together they stabalize me pretty well.

There is help available, but you need to reach out for help. And it is always better if you reach out for help than to have someone else commit you (I guess where you live it is called section). Either way it is better if you reach out to the people who has the means to make your life more stable. I love you so much emm. We've been pals. I don't want you to be in so much pain. Love Dawn

Re: meds
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 12 19:49:19 2001 (#10891)

I have panic attacks, and today I bought something called Kalms. They are natural and you can buy them from any chemist. They are just relaxants. They promote natural sleep. I have never tried them before but everyone who I have asked about them have recommended them. They are relatively cheap. I paid £3.49 for 100

Hope I helped, Nicke.XXX

Re: meds
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 13 08:18:45 2001 (#10912)

sweetheart.....im so soo deeply sorry you have to go through all this pain at such an intense level. I honestly dont know what meds can help you that are non prescription but if it means going to a doctor and maybe being sent away for a while then by all means.....we want you to be here for a long time....I mean on this Earth :) take care e-mail me anytime. much love and hugs-KAT

Re: meds
Posted by Matt on Wed Oct 17 09:00:22 2001 (#10989)

Emma, Go to the doctor, please! Let them work with you to find the proper set of meds that will work. My brother went throught the same thing you are now. He's on 3 or 4 meds right now, but he's no longer cutting himself. Please think about it.

Matt

Re: meds
Posted by Steve on Tue Oct 23 04:27:19 2001 (#11155)

Hi Emm. There aren't many meds that are non-prescription that can help all that much with panic attacks. I have many of the same feelings you seem to be having. I would try any kind of over the counter sleeping pill, or relaxant. Those can help a lot to calm you down. I can't seem to stop cutting either. Hang in there.

Re: meds
Posted by debs on Tue Oct 30 01:04:39 2001 (#11388)

hey emms. i am so sorry u feel so helpless- i feel the same way- i dont know much about meds but there are herbal tablets u can get called saint johns wort from health stores or something. they just help balance u out and stop u sliding. i hope they help take care love debs xoxo

....
Posted by diana on Fri Oct 12 01:33:13 2001 (#10873)

i just started highschool this year n its already a pain in my ass. every1 expects me 2 b exactly like my sis, n its pissin me off. i hate this popularity shit. so this past week i cut myself twice.. one was about 3 inches long n last night i cut myself about 5 inches long. the littlest shit pisses me off n i don't know wut to do.. i don't take it out on any1 except myself. oh well i guess thats my own damn fault.

Re: ....
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 12 19:51:48 2001 (#10892)

Don't blame yourself hunny. I'm sorry you are having a hard time at school. You need to show people that you have a mind and personality of your own.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXX

I can't stop cutting
Posted by Anna on Fri Oct 12 02:17:32 2001 (#10874)

for three years now I have been cutting. Today I slit my writs. I just need help so if anyone can help please do

Re: I can't stop cutting
Posted by deadflower on Fri Oct 12 07:32:42 2001 (#10882)

I've been doing it for close to 5yrs.

It's a hard thing to do, STOP.

I'm trying to stop now. Because I want to. That's the only thing I can tell you. You have to want to change and want help and all that stuff.

good luck

"emily hopeless"

Re: I can't stop cutting
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 12 19:53:44 2001 (#10893)

Have you sought professional help. I know that it is not always the best help for everyone but you wont know until you try. Even if it is only a counsellor,

Stay strong, Nicke

P.S. no one can help you until you are ready to help yourself.

Good luck.

Just saying hi
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Oct 12 03:19:46 2001 (#10876)

I just wanted to let ya'll know I haven't forgotten about anyone. My grandparents house was totally destroyed by a tornado this past Tuesday night and I and my family have been helping them sort things out that we can save. Thus, I haven't had time to get on the board and read the latest posts. I hope every one is coping and maybe having a good day. I hope to be back sometime this weekend. I promise, I'll read the post ya'll have written. Anyway, say a prayer for my grandma and grandpa. They are 91 and 87 years old and survived without a scratch. I'll be back in a day or two. Till then, take care and stay strong. Love ya all, Rhonda

Re: Just saying hi
Posted by jes on Fri Oct 12 13:27:32 2001 (#10883)

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma and grandpa, thank god they're alright though. I'll be thinking of you and them, take care, love jes xx

Re: Just saying hi
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Oct 13 01:16:20 2001 (#10906)

Thanks jes, you're wonderful! Love, Rhonda

Re: Just saying hi
Posted by jes on Sat Oct 13 13:17:32 2001 (#10917)

oh go on! you'll make me blush! :-) xx

Re: Just saying hi
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 13 08:09:09 2001 (#10909)

Rhonda...im so sorry to hear about your grandparents house, but thank god they are fine. Im glad your doing well...how's Tara? I didnt really talk to her much but I do like to keep up on how the people on the board are getting along...Im ...well im breathing so thats a good sign. god bless you....take care-KAT

Re: Just saying hi
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Oct 13 16:17:59 2001 (#10922)

Hi KAT, Tara's doing good. She moved out with some friends last week and I really miss her. But I knew she had to leave the nest sometime. She has a new job starting Monday, at Kentucky Fried Chicken!! She's tired of the nursing thing. I don't blame her. All in all, she's okay. Thanks for asking. I'll tell her you asked. Gotta go for now. Bye. Love , Rhonda

I got my kitties, but today I went a bit insane...
Posted by lys on Fri Oct 12 05:13:13 2001 (#10877)

including losing my mind at school.... well, for the beginning.... I was almost raped on monday night. I had been dissociating and was really really out of it, and all of a sudden there was a knock at my door at 10:30 (pm) and I opened it, not thinking. All of a sudden, this crazy dude was in my doorway. I didn't want to piss him off, so I let him in (I had no choice really, but I didn't want him to be angry). He stayed for 2 hours, and then I finally got him out. On the way, he grabbed me and started kissing me, and putting his hands in my pants and shirt. I couldn't push him away. Finally, he let go, and practically insisted he stay the night. The neighbours dog started barking really loud, so he left... I swear, he would have done way more had he the opportunity.... So, I was upset and very shaken up all this week in school (3 day week, no school monday or friday). Today, I was dissociating, but it was really bad. I had to stop it, so I started picking at a scratch that is quite deep, about 4" long and 1 cm wide, and made it bleed. The pain helped me. And it hurt a lot, because there had been salt on the wound. The teacher saw the blood, and let me leave for a few minutes although he wouldn't before when I asked. I was okay for a bit, but I did it about 5 times all morning.... It bleed so much.... and now it is infected.... but I couldn't stop spacing out at all.... I needed to do it.

On a higher note, I got my 2 kittens today, Demetrius (the male) and Fiona (the female). They are almost 7 weeks old, and absolutely adorable. The are so sweet, and affectionate.... anyways, I have to go, it is dark out and I have to walk home, so take care, lyssie

Re: I got my kitties, but today I went a bit insan
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 12 19:46:25 2001 (#10890)

I am so sorry that that happened to you on Monday. Did you know this man? Have you reported it to the police??

Sorry I don't know what to say except it is horrible when you are in that kind of situation, someone forcing themselves on you. You want to scream but it gets stuck in your throat...

Sorry, stay strong, Nicke.XXXX

Re: I got my kitties, but today I went a bit insan
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Fri Oct 19 18:53:03 2001 (#11043)

I'd kill him. sorry but that shit really makes me sick.

p.s. haza for kitties.

Drew.

sometimes I'm so full of shit,it should be a crime
Posted by deadflower on Fri Oct 12 07:20:24 2001 (#10881)

Hey all. My life is sucking right now. REALLY BAD. I never thought I was depressed before, I always thought of my Self Injury as a way of life, a newly way of life. Living with it for close to 5 years now, I'm 17, I'm young, it's easy to slip into.

Anyways, I was put on Celexa last friday. I haven't been to school since. I saw the guy who I gave my virginity to, on the bus and he walked right by me. There's lots of shit going on with my sister too. I asked her a few weeks ago, "have you been cutting yourself?" she said "no" so I asked her again and she said, "can't you just acccept the fact that I'm not going to do it again?" ... I said no, but then I said I could try. She's doing it again, I know she is. I'd ask her, but I'm too fucking depressed right now, going through one of my waves and moodswings, no, I'm mostly sad. If it were moodswings, I could make it to school. I've been cutting up my arms and stubbing my cigarettes out on myself. I'm just so sad, and I hate it. blah ...

"Candy Says" by The Velvet Underground

Candy says I've come to hate my body and all that it requires in this world Candy says I'd like to know completely what others so discretely talk about

Candy says I hate the quiet places that cause the smallest taste of what will be Candy says I hate the big decisions that cause endless revisions in my mind

I'm gonna watch the blue birds fly over my shoulder I'm gonna watch them pass me by Maybe when I'm older What do you think I'd see If I could walk away from me

It is not a crime, I looked it up, LOL :) :)
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 12 22:24:54 2001 (#10895)

I am sorry that you are having all this trouble in your life at the minute. I don't know what to say except that you can email me at the addy above if you feel you ever need or just want someone to talk to.

Stay strong, Nicke.XXX

fish and chips and pizza and cheese and CHOCOLATE
Posted by the boy in the bubble on Fri Oct 12 16:11:34 2001 (#10884)

i just wondered does anyone else here have a problem with comfort eating i have had one for about nine years way before i started to cut myself. i just wonder because i weigh 26 stone (350-ish pounds) and the reason is mainly when i get upset i eat or cut. i try to eat because... i dunno why i just do i feel better afterwards. yesterday for instance i couldn't get my internet installed on my home computer and that triggererd me into an eating binge in which i did also cut myself it's the first time i've done that. i know that anorexia is associated a lot with depression but i seem to have the exact opposite. i wondered if anyone else did

have fun

The doctors tell me that I'm cynical I tell them that it must be chemical So what am I doing girl Cry into my drink I disappear

Re: fish and chips and pizza and cheese and CHOCOL
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 12 19:41:12 2001 (#10889)

I don't have a problem with any eating disorders but I have used other methods of self harm. I had an ecstacy and cocaine addicton for a while. When I stopped cutting 6 months ago I went back on the drugs. When I am 'off my head' I just don't have to think about things or face the world.

Nicke

Re: fish and chips and pizza and cheese and CHOCOL
Posted by emm on Fri Oct 12 22:58:55 2001 (#10900)

yes.i slip between dissorders. for about a week or two i'll eat about two crackers and then the next i'll eat constantly out of depression because its kinda comforting. thats just me though. hugs emma***

Re: fish and chips and pizza and cheese and CHOCOL
Posted by jes on Sat Oct 13 13:15:46 2001 (#10916)

i kinda do both, for a while, you'd be lucky to catch me eating even one small meal a day, i'll do my best to avoid eating which isn't tto hard for me cos i can goto my mums and then go home (or visa versa) and say i've eaten already, but i never seem to lose much weight which is a good thing. and then after that i just eat and eat and eat and eat..... it's all punishment and guilt for me tho' maybe an alt' to cutting sometimes. but any way, i'm going n now, take care, love jes xx

Re: fish and chips and pizza and cheese and CHOCOL
Posted by Alana on Sat Oct 20 06:08:14 2001 (#11054)

I have that problem. I'm a binge eater - especially after a spliff. But, the binge eating also causes me to not eat (cuz I feel so disgusted with myself)...I haven't eaten in 3 days, and I feel great.

I wonder?
Posted by Angelica on Fri Oct 12 16:20:38 2001 (#10885)

I don't post on this board much. But I wondered if anyone would to e-mail or im so we could support each other on a regular basis? My e-mail: GlitterRatAngel@aol.com IMs: MSN - AngelicRatQueen@hotmail.com Yahoo - Angelicbitchinhell Aol - GlitterRatFairy xxx

Re: I wonder?
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 12 22:13:31 2001 (#10894)

Thanx and if you need any help or advice then my email is above also. I use MSN messenger and I am on as Nicke

Kewl, Nicke. XXX

blah blah blah
Posted by *me* on Fri Oct 12 16:48:36 2001 (#10886)

Hi...I don't really know where this post is going to go. I guess it's just kinda a vent bc I have no where else to think these things except inside my own head, and sometimes I need to say them (or, well, write them haha). I don't know what's wrong lately. I've felt so completely alone, even when surrounded by my closest friends, or sitting in a class, or whatnot. I have this like surreal feeling. I'm there, I know what is happening, I can control what I do, but I feel...like OUT of my body...does that make sense?? I don't know. I've been going into the bathroom at school and scratching my hips up. And the other day I picked at my ankle until it was a cut for no reason, I barely even knew I was doing it. And in one of my elective classes, we're talking about "family" now, and it kinda pisses me off that we talk about all the other family lifestyles, but no one mentions ne thing about DEATH. And my teacher asks us questions about our freaking families and everyone talks about their fathers and it's everything I can do to keep from crying. My whole life, you think I'd be over this. But it's so not fair that I never even got to know him. Why did God just take him away? I hate everything I'm feeling. And I have this irrational fear that I'm going to be killed by terrorists. And that scares me. No f*cking terrorist is going to kill me. I'm either going to die of natural causes (hopefully), or I'm someday going to off myself. But there's no f*cking way I'm going to let some terrorist kill me. Arrrrggghh. I have to go now, my friend's coming to pick me up. Sorry for the ramble.

Re: blah blah blah
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 12 19:34:45 2001 (#10887)

Look, I now how you feel. I would get that surreal feeling when I was cuuthing. Like I was looking down on my self, that it wasn't really happening to me. Weird eh?

As for family, I don't live with mine because I couldn't cope living at home. I am at college and they always ask about family in Sociology. So although my dad hasn't died I can sympathise with your situation in school. The only thing I can say is that it will get easier.

Good luck anyway. Nicke. XXX

Re: blah blah blah
Posted by *me* on Sun Oct 14 02:45:57 2001 (#10925)

Yah, my elective class that I was talking about is Sociology. It peeves me bc we talk about EVERY other kind of family situation, and not ONCE does my teacher mention death of a parent. Not that I actually think I would want her to, bc everyone would like, LOOK at me and stuff, and I hate that, but still...I don't know.

I hate the surreal feeling. It scares me.

Newho, thanks for replying. Take care and stay safe!

To Fran....
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 12 19:38:07 2001 (#10888)

So Fran I really would like to now how you have bee gettin on for the last six months. How are things?? You said you take Psychology..is that at A Level?? What other subjects are you taking?? How are you finding it?? How are you emotionally??

Sorry about all the questions, just interested.

Nicke. XXXX

WHY??
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 12 22:36:56 2001 (#10896)

Why is it that I can sit and listen to all my friends problems, I always have a word of advice or comfort for them but when it comes to my sister who needs me most, do I push her away.

She was raped a couple of months ago, I don't know how I am supposed to be around her. Every time she talks about it, I just get really angry and hit something usually a wall. She needs me to be there for her and I can't even let her talk to me about it.

I want to study Clinical Psychology, what hope will I my sister can't even rely on me. I feel a failure like I have let her down. She is the only family I talk to and I keep f**king it up.

I guess it is because it reminds me of my own past, it brings back all the old emotions for me. I can't tell her that though I would feel so self-centered.

Anyway thanx for listening (or reading depending on how you look at it), to me.

Nicke. XXX

Re: WHY??
Posted by jes on Sat Oct 13 13:26:49 2001 (#10918)

hey, don't be so hard on you self, when it's someone who you are so close to it's bound to make it harder to listen to them when they're hurting, it's bound t make you more emotional and angry, just give it time. take care, love jes xx

Re: WHY??
Posted by Tara"s Mom on Sun Oct 14 04:19:20 2001 (#10928)

Don't feel bad about not being able to talk to your sister about what happened to her. I couldn't talk to Tara either. It took me a while before I could hear the story of her rape. Then I didn't know what to say. I finally told her, I don't know what to say, but if you ever want to talk, please let me know and I will listen to you and cry with you. It is so hard to see someone you love go through something so horrible. I don't know what your past experiences are, but you probably kind of know how she feels. Just give it time and always be there for her in whatever she wants from you. It will be hard but give yourself and her the time you need. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Love, Rhonda

salt ....
Posted by amy on Fri Oct 12 22:43:05 2001 (#10897)

hi im new and ive been cutting for a while and i was wondering.....useing salt? how do you use it on cuts.apparently they make it hurt more.is this true?? i dont think i have the guts to do it but im curious. do you put in into the cut? just curious hugs amy

Re: salt ....
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 12 22:49:48 2001 (#10898)

I am not going to tell you the best ways to hurt yourself, Besides I don't know never used salt.

Anyway, hello welcome to the board, hope you find all you need here, Email me at the addy above if you want.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: salt ....
Posted by Nicke on Fri Oct 12 22:50:06 2001 (#10899)

I am not going to tell you the best ways to hurt yourself, Besides I don't know never used salt.

Anyway, hello welcome to the board, hope you find all you need here, Email me at the addy above if you want.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

Re: salt ....
Posted by *Poison on Fri Oct 12 23:16:44 2001 (#10901)

this board is to HELP Self injurers, not help them find new ways of harming them selves. plus, salt has moew negative side affects then one might think.

~KoKo~

P.s. sorry if this sounded mean

Re: salt ....
Posted by UnendingMisery on Sun Oct 14 03:47:21 2001 (#10926)

I really don't know if this board is all about helping people or if it's just a way to swap ideas about SI.

In that respect. I've never tried rubbing salt into wounds. Yes, I'm sure it would burn. Putting lemon juice or alcohol or iodine would burn too. I'm really not sure what the difference would be. I've heard of people rubbing laundry detergent into cuts. I would advise against that because of all the weird chemicals.

Myself, I rub ashes into my cuts sometimes. The ashes make the scars last longer and it does burn for a second when applied.

Hope I've helped. Hope I didn't piss off anyone by giving this information.

--Jason

www.darkhosts.com/iammi sery (there's pictures on my site with ashes)

interesting aspect
Posted by *poison on Fri Oct 12 23:26:14 2001 (#10902)

i don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but lately i've been so busy with school, play practice, homework, afterschool clubs, and putting my room back together(i recently painted it) that i have been too tired to cut, and usually i would say yeah that is a good thing that i haven't been cutting but today i just tweaked out on my best friend PJ, for pretty much nothing, just that he gets to do what he wants and he sort of puts it in his sister's face cause she is almost 18 (older than him) and his mom still won't let her (his sister) do anything. and she's in college. and it is because PJ just does whatever the hell he wants regardless of what his mom says. and he walks all over his mom, he has absoutly no respect for her at all. and i'm friends with 2 of his sisters as well as him and i recently have been getting more aquainted with his mom, and i don't know just little things have been really upsetting me. and i don't know if it is a good thing or not that i haven't been cutting because i think i might be just letting my emotions build up. and when that happens....well, it's not good...but anyways.. i don't know..geez i always write wicked long things on here!!! :P

~KoKo~

staying busy is a good thing
Posted by Dawn on Sat Oct 13 00:50:45 2001 (#10904)

Hi, we haven't emailed for a while I guess it is because you've been so busy. Don't let it bother you that you haven't been cutting. You don't have to cut, and just because you haven't cut doesn't mean you need to. Getting short tempered or testy only means we are human and are tired it dosen't mean we have let things build up and are going to explode or cut severly, though it often feels like that because we have got in a routine of cutting every time we "feel" emotions swirling inside us.

Be glad you are doing better. Its good for us. Love you Dawn

Re: staying busy is a good thing
Posted by Nicke on Sat Oct 13 13:39:15 2001 (#10919)

Keeping yourself too busy to cut is definetly a good thing. You just to find another way of releasing your emotions that cutting would normally have done for you.

Hope you find a way to suit you.

Stay strong, Nicke. XXXX

whats the difference
Posted by amy on Sat Oct 13 00:04:10 2001 (#10903)

whats the point in not telling me? im sure i can find the info anyway i was just curious.id rather know what the whole salt conspiricy is rather than cutting deeper and deeper. maby i'll try it anyway and experiment to find out. and if i get it wrong then thats just hard luck really isnt it. shame.well thats next on the list. anyway.this board is for helping people right? then helping me reduce my cutting is helping right? then theoretically telling me would have been more sensible. oh well amy

Hello amy:Salt is a perservative
Posted by Dawn on Sat Oct 13 01:07:00 2001 (#10905)

For centuries hunters have used salt to cure animal hides to make them soften so they could be used for clothing, but also to keep meat fresh when there was no refrigeration available. Personally throughout my years of eating lemons, peel and all, sometime the salt I had sprinkled on it would get into an accidental shallow cut on my finger or hand from slicing the lemon up and let me tell you IT STINGS LIKE HELL.

You are a free agent and can do anything you set your mind to doing and no one here can stop you, and I do not think we would try, but you can be certain that we will encourage you to stay safe whatever you do. We are not going to relate step by step how to instructions to help someone cut. Like others have told you we are here to encourage each other along in our attempts to stop cutting, no to teach new or better ways of hurting ourselves. We are not being mean we are being loving.

I hope you will make friends with the people here and that you will find this a good sourse of love and acceptance for who you are. Write me if you wish to. Love and Hugs Dawn

Re: whats the difference
Posted by kae on Sat Oct 13 06:07:39 2001 (#10907)

amy...the scariest thing u can say to ppl is not only telling ppl ur going to go cut urself, but how ur going to do it. DONT. yes ur right, this is a board to help ppl cope with their cutting addictions. but telling ppl what ur going to do next is damn frightening. i was talking to a friend of mine on msn one night when she started having a panic attack and sayin how much she needed to cut. i tried to comfort her and calm her down, but suddenly she disappeared for a few minutes. she returned and told me she'd cut herself. it was the most horrible feeling, especially as she is very close to me. i didnt cope well after that and ended up cutting myself worse than i ever had before. please ......stay talkin to us on this board, but keep it non-triggering? thanx.

luv ya
:)

Re: whats the difference
Posted by deadflower on Sat Oct 13 08:16:59 2001 (#10911)

hmmm ..... I dunno. Well, if you really wanna find out, you can try it out .... or else I can try it out for you if you want ...

I'm not really the most the supportive person on this board .... so ...

maybe I will, later on though ...

eh ....

*emily hopeless*

Re: whats the difference
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 13 08:23:37 2001 (#10913)

oh sweet girl.....candy is good and little girls pretty....

Re: whats the difference
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Oct 14 04:26:52 2001 (#10929)

Hi Amy, I've heard several times over the last few months that salt is not a good thing to put in your cuts. I think someone even said it would turns the cuts black. Don't know if that's true since i don't cut, but please don't try it. Write me if you ever want to talk. Love, Rhonda

Amy, I hope your reading this
Posted by *Poison on Mon Oct 15 22:09:36 2001 (#10948)

OK. Amy, i feel like your trying to manipulate us into feeding you another bad habit. telling us that your only going to cut deeper if you don't use the salt and that we would be helping you by telling you the "proper" way to use it. Well for one thing there is no Proper way to use it. and your asking us is telling me that either A.) you really don't want to but your hurting so bad lately that this is a way of reaching out. or B.) your don't want to stop, and are using this board as not to be helpful but to aid in your destructive behavior. and either one of these is your choice. but there is always a consequence for any action you take, weather it is good or bad. and if you truely want to do it, then why don't you just experiment for yourself? instead of asking others over the board (you could e-mail people) and you never know, you might have just aided in someone hurting themselves even more..You never know! i'm just saying that you should maybe...think before you act??? I don't know what i'm thinking...well no...I do...I think that you just need to get off your ass and do it if you say that you are going to, if you even bother to ask you might as well just experiment with it yourself, isn't that the only way to find out what is best for yourself???? stop making everyone else feel sorry for you htink about all the shit your putting them through, because with every post someone puts up here, it triggers another memory for someone else out there. and you never know what could happen. no one here actually knows how many people read this board and take to heart what we say, for all we know we might have said something that triggered someone so bad they committed suicide! so pretty much my message is "stop being so self centered and look at everyone elses eyes, because eyes can tell you a whole lot more than just looking at them and seeing nothing can."

...sorry this came out harsh but i had to say it...

~KoKo~

lifes a bitch
Posted by kae on Sat Oct 13 06:44:13 2001 (#10908)

im panicking....i dont know what brought it on but im suddenly panicking....

....i think its passed now.

im really messed up today. i was at my boyfriends last nite and id told myself i was going to tell him about my cutting....i dont know why, it just felt like i might get better if i told him. but....i dont know, im having doubts about the whole relationship all of a sudden. hes really nice, everyone says we're so good together....but hes so inexperienced. this is the longest relatinship hes been in - we've been going out for a month. with all the shit thats goin on around me at the moment, i dont want to have to take the reigns in a relationship.

my friend was raped. shes suffering so badly. and shes cutting - somethng u'd never expect this girl to do. she wont listen to me when i tell her how wrong it is. shes seen my scars from time to time and she keeps tellin me i need help. im like, argh!! why the hell are u doing it then??

im just so lost and confused at the moment. please, if someone is feelin the same way, please talk to me. i need it!!

Re: lifes a shit hole
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 13 08:26:47 2001 (#10914)

.....keeps gettin deeper. full of shit....

sorry cant say i know how you are exactly feeling, im short on words but I can tell you m here to to support you. telling people about cutting is a good sign, you want others to know to maybe stop you...i dunno,,,,,,see this is why i dont talk. I just mess up all the stuff thats in my head....anyway hang in there. *hugs* -KAT

Re: lifes a shit hole
Posted by Nicke on Sat Oct 13 13:56:25 2001 (#10920)

If you have only been going out with him for a month then I would serioulsy think about how much you feel for him. But on the other hand it is better being honest from the beginning of the relationship. It is hard telling people about cutting, and you can never tell how people are going to ract so make sure you are certai you want to do it and be prepared for any kind of reaction.

As for your friend, you know yourself that no-one can be helped if they don't want to be helped. Just be there for her, even tell her about this board if you think it will help. But just let her know that no matter what she will have a friend in you.

Hope I helped, Nicke.XXXX

Life is like a Port O Potty
Posted by *Poison on Mon Oct 15 22:15:52 2001 (#10949)

Life is like a port o potty....the shit keeps rising up!-by me

i know what you mean...my friend was raped a long time ago but she only came to terms with it about a year (woah...maybe it was 2???) ago. i remember it like it was yesterday, right down to what the weather felt like on my skin. she had a really hard time with it, she overdosed on Tylenol, became bulemic...it brought on a whole bunch of stuff. so e-mail me or IM me (MstrssRAZOR) on aim or something we can talk if you'd like.

~KoKo~

life's Screwed
Posted by becky on Wed Oct 17 03:54:36 2001 (#10983)

Like someone else said, Don't tell someone unless you are commpletly confident in teh person. I told my coach about how I cut and so many people found out it was really bad.

About yout friend I know what it is like to be raped (somewhat I guess.) I went out with this kid for 2 years, and I knew him and was best friends with him for 7 years before that. Just this Jan., He tried to rape me in my own yard. I got away after fightign him for almost five mins. But lets just say that it's an amazing thing that she told you. Only two people (besides whoever reads this) know about it all. Just be there for her. Right now it's the only thing you can do. Becky

Re: lifes a bitch
Posted by Steve on Tue Oct 23 04:34:51 2001 (#11158)

Hey Kae. I have been feeling lost and confused for a long time now, so I know what you are going through. I have never been able to stay in a relationship. If you told your boyfriend about your cutting and he really cares about you, he will try to find out how you are feeling. It was hard for me to tell my girlfriend about my cutting, but I am glad I did it. Hang in there

Re: lifes a bitch
Posted by Lecy on Sun Oct 28 08:13:34 2001 (#11335)

really, if you think ur close enough to him tell him but let me tell you that i told my b/f and it just made things tense between us, he didnt understand. He took it as a joke and i found that it pushed us further apart and made it awkward between us. So really unless you are positively certain he would understand and he is like ur ultimate soulmate i wouldn't tell him but hey it's really up to you. Hang in there girl toodles lecy lu

Re: lifes a bitch
Posted by debs on Tue Oct 30 01:08:42 2001 (#11390)

hey kae when i told my b/f everything that happened to me and about my cutting myself, he was shocked but really supportive- he helps me now. i love him so much i dont want to hurt him so i try harder not to cut. there are times i still feel so lost but i know hes there for me take care xoxo

KAT
Posted by There shouldnt be this many on Sat Oct 13 08:29:45 2001 (#10915)

Hi..Im up late cant sleep. It makes me sad to see that this is like the 109989 ( or something) post so many people.....it doesnt have to be this way,,,. Stomach full of pills wrists as bright as day smile to fake a life and a heart to melt away...

Love ya much-KAT

The posts
Posted by Nicke on Sat Oct 13 14:02:05 2001 (#10921)

I first posted on this board back in January, so the board has been around for ages. That would account for all the posts. I have probably written close to 200.

I know what you mean about the number of people though. It often makes me sad to see other people hurting. That is why I came back to the board even though I don't cut anymore. I wanted to give something back to the board because the board did so much for me.

Stay strong, Nicke.XXX

No body likes "crisis centers"
Posted by KAT on Sat Oct 13 20:27:57 2001 (#10924)

Hi kids... well Im goin off my meds probably sometime in January..Im just on them because usually the holidays are kinda rough. I see my therapist once every two weeks and my psychiatrist once every two months now.I dont go to NA anymore..and yet Ive been smoking pot and drinking alcohol (while on my meds) Everyone thinks I dont cut anymore and they think Im happy and la de da...everythings wonderful. but to tell you the truth Its not. I know theres going to be good and bad days but I shouldnt be thinking like this. Last night I really wanted to cut but I cant bc I really dont wanna be sent away again, It's no fun and it makes me mentally worse every time I leave to one of those "places". So anyway I was thinking wow wouldnt it be a big shock to everyone if I just suddenly slit my wrists (again) and died this time. Commit suicide and everyone wont know why, bc everyone thought things were going great. Im so ill in the mind it's sickening even to me. I cant go in reverse in my days..I cant go back to being on "bad" drugs and cutting 30 times a night I cant go back to the mental home I cant go back to sleeping all day ..I cant. But I feel like shit, and no body can know!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Im stuck...how can I find my way out of this? -KAT

What price do you pay for the illusion that ur ok?
Posted by Dawn on Sun Oct 14 04:05:04 2001 (#10927)

Someone told me the other day I lecture. Ok here is a lecture. Every day when we hide our hurts, thoughts, and feelings we pay the price of increasing them. Secrecy has a high price. We get sicker. If You want to get well do the work. If you want to get better tell the truth. its going to come out sometime, isn't it better when it comes from you.

I'm done. Dawn

Re: No body likes "crisis centers"
Posted by kae on Sun Oct 14 04:45:26 2001 (#10930)

hey girl

maybe u need to be more open about your feelings. explain to your psychiatrist how you're feeling, and whats going through your head. nobody ever deserves to die prematurely, especiallly not at their own hands. the people around you care heaps but they cant help unless you tell them how you're feeling.

things can only get better....always concentrate on that. someday, you'll be free of your inner pain and be able to live happily.

luv and hugs kae

basically..... im venting
Posted by jen on Sun Oct 14 08:06:21 2001 (#10931)

ok well..... things have been going ok i guess. well i think i should say going normal. ever since my nana died( almost 4 months ago) he has been so edgey. he gets mad all the time over little things, then he gets really sad, and he is usually always frustrated to say the least. and i am the one to bare the brunt of it. i totally understan thathe is going to be upset and i am not saying that he shouldnt be. but he takes out all of his emotions on me, and for some reason he thinks i can hndle it. and i really try to but i cant. its to much, he wants me to be exactly like her and im not. something that really is starting to bother me is that he i always telling me how he feels and what he is going through, but he never asks about me. he doesnt ask how i am dealing. im not sure i would tell him the truth, but thats not the point. i havent cried about my nana yet. i just cant seem to do it. i want to though dont get me wrong, i miss her so much some days its like i cant breath or i think i wont make it. my friends dont ask either. im not upset with them about it it just kinda feels like they dont really care. ya know? i probably sould be the one to say hey guys im not doing good. but im not like that. my tata's threat to me is that if i cut he is gonna send me to a hospital. and i do not want to go there. i was doing really good with the cutting, it was like 3 months but, 2 dayz ago i messed up my arm really bad, which was not a good idea becuz if i where anything that shows any part of my arm he is gonna see it. and i dont know if he will reaelly do it so now im scared, it will be at least 2 weeks before i can wear short sleeves. and its hot here!!! god im stupid. i dont know thanx for reading if you got this far : )

luv jen

Re: basically..... im venting
Posted by kae on Sun Oct 14 10:45:37 2001 (#10932)

hey hun...its so sad that you're hurting so much. i wish i could wave a wand and heal your pain.

the first thing you should remember is that 'he' doesnt realise what he is doing by confiding in you so much. he does it because it makes him feel better. sometimes, talking is the only thing that helps.

this should apply to you too. you have to talk to someone. directly, not just on here. you have to get in touch with a local counsellor a.s.a.p and start talking about whats going on inside you. cutting definitely isnt the way to cope, because once you start doing it again you will find yourself turning back to it each time you're upset. which ISNT a good idea. its so great that you've managed to stay cut-free for this long. you have to keep it up. see a counsellor and start letting go of everything thats building up inside you. even telling a good friend will do.

please write anytime and tell me how you're getting on. :) luv and hugz

kae :)

Original
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 14 17:50:14 2001 (#10933)

ok the girl on here.i dont know her name i think its ema....her sn is glitter fairy I try and make her feel better and she tells me fuck off..... you know what!!! you need to grow up, Im telling you the truth when sulking over a dead loved one wont bring them back. sure greive, but dont carry it on w. you. I was just trying to help but Ive also got feelings and I dont need that!

anyways heres a poem I wrote
: It's happening all over again Deaths fire is licking my wrists my pain drips out, red on the floor. drink my sorrows away, this one time it'll be okay. I thought I loved you, I thought I wanted to die one person cant hate this much so why am I tormented by my memories. the past is irreversible , but I walk back through it every time I see you. your not important, your nothing, you murdered me with your words. Now deaths sweet whisper is a lulabye to my final slumber. The sight of you makes me sick, I cant stand not to be around you Paint my story with the blood from my body, its over just go away- JKP (KAT)

Re: Original
Posted by Angelica on Sun Oct 14 18:58:42 2001 (#10934)

You weren't trying to help me. You were patronising and peaching god to me, which I have no interest in. I have been greiving for my fiance ever since he died. You have know idea what I've been through, or what I'm going through. So next time, pick on someone else.

Re: Leave me ALONE(everyone read)
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 14 19:55:13 2001 (#10935)

Pick on someone else? I wasnt even picking on you and the only thing I said about god was god didnt mean for you two to be together...your are very childish. You Im w/ diff screen names telling me Fuck you....Ok I blocked you because I dont wanna talk to someone as ignorant as you... your 20 years old? Bull! you act 5 Grow up. I havent said this to anyone but I have a bad tempor and I might say things that are very mean and I wouldnt want anyone to get upset and do something hasrsh like KILL YOURSELF. so please leave me alone I have been coming to this message board a very long time and I dont need someone like you to push me away... -KAT

Re: I dont understand you(read if you wish)
Posted by KAT on Sun Oct 14 20:17:01 2001 (#10936)

both of us had a disagreement I just dont want me or her to be looked at as the bad guy so for all of you who even care heres one of our conversations on IM,. (shes glitterratfairy) (Im panterametalchik)

PanterAMetalChik: I just wanted to let you know I wasnt trying to preach anything. I was actually trying to make you feel better till you flipped out on me. Im sorry PanterAMetalChik: hopefully you can act in a mature manner PanterAMetalChik: and we can forget about this like adults PanterAMetalChik: do you agree? GlitterRatFairy: yes we can ignore each other. and u don't even knw how old I am. I'm having a bad enough day, I don't need someone whonI don't klnow telling me what to do. PanterAMetalChik: I wasnt trying to tell you what to do PanterAMetalChik: and when I first met you you said you were 20 GlitterRatFairy: no i didn't PanterAMetalChik: okay PanterAMetalChik: well feel better PanterAMetalChik: bye PanterAMetalChik: .... PanterAMetalChik: can I just ask....how old ARE you? GlitterRatFairy: nope not till abou 25 past GlitterRatFairy: shit, wrong box PanterAMetalChik: ? GlitterRatFairy: what does it matter PanterAMetalChik: Im just wondering PanterAMetalChik: do you not want to tell me? GlitterRatFairy: no because I'm not going to be judged. Now please just leave me be PanterAMetalChik: alright....Gladly. GlitterRatFairy: lol - shouldn't have im'd me then shoud u PanterAMetalChik: ...Um okay. Bye

Alright so hopefully we can all just fuck this and put it in the past well none of you need to but we do.

shi**y
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 15 00:40:55 2001 (#10937)

i dont know whats wrong with me, i had a really good day (which is wierd cos it involved my dad!) and now i justwanna curl up and cry or cut or something. I FEEL SOOO SHITTY. ok, also, how do you know if you do need help?i've been told i do, and sometimes i even think ido,but i'm not sure. I don't wanna just turn up at the doctors and have hima ask me what the problem is and me just say, 'well, i don't really know, or even if there is one' it just wouldnt work would it! lol. love jes xx

Re: shi**y
Posted by deadflower on Mon Oct 15 03:17:12 2001 (#10940)

I know how you feel. REALLY! I do.

sometimes I have the best days when I'm with my family or just people, then I go away to my room and do something stupid (cut, burn, drink, ect, ect) .... and then I get frustrated because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

I wish someone can tell me what's wrong with me. I don't know, I think that's how you feel, maybe not ...

"emily hopeless"

Re: shi**y
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 16 00:55:49 2001 (#10954)

Jes, If you get the right doctor, they'll help you figure out what is wrong. Most of the time, nobody really knows anyway,they just know something's wrong. Look around and find a good doctor, one who will listen to you and not just lecture you. You don't need that. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Wish I could make it better. I know, I'll send you a funny card. Take care and write when you feel like it. Love, Rhonda

Re: shi**y
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 16 00:59:22 2001 (#10955)

It's me again Jes, could you send me your email address so I can send you that funny card? I'll understand if you don't want to. Love, Rhonda

wearing the inside out
Posted by jes on Mon Oct 15 02:41:27 2001 (#10938)

Wearing the inside out

From morning to night I stayed out of sight Didn't recognise I'd become No more than alive I'd barely survive In a word...overrun

Won't hear a sound From my mouth I've spent too long On the inside out My skin is cold To the human touch This bleeding heart's Not beating much

I murmured a vow of silence and now I don't even hear when I think aloud Extinguished by light I turn on the night Wear its darkness with an empty smile

I'm creeping back to life my nervous system all awry I'm wearing the inside out

Look at him now He's paler somehow But he's coming round he's starting to choke It's been so long since he spoke Well he can have the words right from my mouth

And with these words I can see Clear trough the clouds that covered me Just give it time then speak my name Now we can hear ourselves again

I'm holding out For the day When all the clouds Have blown away I'm with you now Can speak your name Now we can hear Ourselves again

*i wish i really did have this much hope*

Re: bit long, i got a bit carried away
Posted by me again on Mon Oct 15 03:34:16 2001 (#10942)

Where were you when I was burned and broken

While the days slipped by from my window watching

Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless

Because the things you say and the things you do surround me

While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words dying to believe in what you heard

I was staring straight into the shining sun

....................... ......................

There's a silence surrounding me

I can't seem to think straight

I'll sit in the corner

No one can bother me

I think I should speak now

My words won't come out right

I feel like I'm drowning

I'm feeling weak now

But I can't show my weakness

I sometimes wonder

Where do we go from here.

....................... ......................

Change

If ever you had said to me before That I would live this life that I am Living now I guess it's all so strange To feel the way I do inside but Have so much that I could feel some Pride for in my life so why is it that I feel like this

How do I feel? I've been here before, I've felt this Retreat to a place, a place within me I need this. Keep it all down, bottled inside It breaks me to torment again and Torture me like it used to

I need to justify the reasons For the way I'm living. I guess I can't cause I don't feel like I deserve it

So now the waves they have subsided And my soul is bleeding I can't take away The shame I feel, forgive me.

....................... ......................

I just need this to be all right I can't feel this another night

I can't take this I come unglued I might breakdown in front of you Necessary to medicate I'm not sleeping can't stay awake

Can't see through this Too much pressure Drowning in this

Too much pressure If you need me I'll be here Half unconscious to escape my fear

My head hurts this shit isn't getting me high My chest is so tight I think I am going to die My stomach's in knots and the room starts to spin As I wait for this drug to slowly kick in.

....................... ......................

you can''t feel my anger you can''t feel my pain you can''t feel my torment driving me insane i can''t fight these feelings they bring only pain you can''t take away make me whole again

i feel betrayed stuck in your ways you rip me apart with the brutal things you say can''t deal with this shit anymore i just look away

....................... ...................... oh, bugger, i went on a bit there. sorry if i've bored you, but then if you've got this far then you've either been interested or just reading the 'good' bits. IT'S 2:33AM!!!!!!!! i really should be sleeping better by now. gonna stop time wasting now, take care, love jes xxx

Re: wearing the inside out
Posted by star on Thu Oct 25 11:18:15 2001 (#11252)

Beautiful, where is it from or did you write it? amz x

Re: wearing the inside out
Posted by jes on Thu Oct 25 13:48:27 2001 (#11253)

it's pink floyd

blood on the keyboard
Posted by Agonisteis on Mon Oct 15 03:11:53 2001 (#10939)

New si site coming soon... I'm sorry for posting this as i know you probably hate people that post ads but i really would like to establish it's target audience.

it goes live on the 16/10/01 and would love some feedback from people. (you can view it now but it will just be a comin soon page!) please visit it after this date or e-mail me.

bleeding angels v2.0 http://devoted.to/bleedingange ls

Re: blood on the keyboard
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 15 03:27:18 2001 (#10941)

will it include pictures of self mutialtion and scaring?

Drowning
Posted by * on Mon Oct 15 08:58:27 2001 (#10943)

Drowning in the tears of darkness Unable to breathe through the lonliness Deep in the depths of silence Locked in blood stained mirrors Reflected in moonlight There is no fear Only relief. Melancholy smile lights up her face A flicker of pain seen in those once laughing eyes The rivers flow freely The life of her past seeping away She sinks to the floor Oblivious to it all Simply waiting for the end.

Re: Drowning
Posted by jue on Mon Oct 15 21:30:49 2001 (#10947)

wow.

please be careful.

Re: Drowning
Posted by Becky on Wed Oct 17 03:44:18 2001 (#10982)

I know what it is like to feel utterly hopeless. To not even care whether you live or die. I know how it is to be totally out of control and have no one to turn too. I know how it feels when you try to committ sucide 3 times in the course of 3 months, but fail and then hate yourself more because you can't do anything right. I know what it's like to lie on the floor unable to move totally paralized by whatever drug you just over dosed on, but through everything, I've realize that hurting yourself isn't the answer. Though you can't find a glimse of the end of the tunnel as you soar into the gates of death, there is hope. With every last breath in you, find help. Someone... Anyone. Becky

wot the hell is going on???
Posted by Amanda on Mon Oct 15 20:07:46 2001 (#10945)

ok i know my life is screwed now!!!!!!!! i dont want any sympathy coz ive given up caring. i just wanted to let every1 know that im going on holiday so i wont b posting for a while and i dont know if i will come bak after the holiday......coz my life is so fucked and ive got to a point of not caring at all. i just want to b covered in blood and go up to my mum and tell her how much i hate her 4 making me feel like this.

anyways.....i leave on thursday so ill b posting up untill then, after that i might b bak but i dont know.

Amanda

Re: wot the hell is going on???
Posted by Nicke on Mon Oct 15 20:15:25 2001 (#10946)

E mail me if you need to hunny, I would really like to help if I can?

Stay strong, Nicke. XXX

P.S. hope you enjoy your holiday!

Re: wot the hell is going on???
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 16 01:02:15 2001 (#10956)

I really hope your holiday makes you feel better. I wish I could help, but all I can do is offer you a (((((((((HUG)))))))))))! Take care and stay strong. Love, Rhonda

has to do w/ religion, read if u want
Posted by *me* on Mon Oct 15 22:36:08 2001 (#10950)

Ok PLZ no one yell at me for posting something about religion. I'm not trying to preach or nething, I simply have some questions. If you don't believe in a religion and are offended by these posts, than plz quit right here. I don't understand the verbal attacks here when this board is supposed to be a place where we can post anything. This place is my safe haven and I for one don't need or want to be yelled at HERE.

Ok. Now. Is anyone here Catholic? I have some questions. I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS believed that God is all-loving and that He wouldn't consider SI a sin because it really isn't something we have control over. Well, I don't ne way. And right now it is virtually impossible for me to seek help. I always believed that SI is not a sin. But I'm in a theology course and the other day I was reading a chapter and it was saying how getting drunk is mortally evil. And how if we let our lives be ruled by something we have to make an effort to stop it otherwise it is a sin. And it was making me think about whether SI is a sin. I have NEVER thought it was, but now I'm wondering. I guess it really doesn't matter bc there's nothing I can do if it IS, I can't stop right now, it is keeping me alive. But just out of curiousity. And I remember I posted before how my textbook went into suicide as a selfish thing bc all you are doing is deliberately sinning and hurting everyone around you and blah blah blah. I totally disagree w/ that, bc as one who has contemplated suicide, it was a decision out of trying to stop the PAIN, not wanting to hurt others and stuff. So I guess I'm confused as to what this all means. If there are any Catholics that can share their views or have ne other knowledge they can share, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

Re: has to do w/ religion, read if u want
Posted by KAT on Mon Oct 15 23:16:57 2001 (#10951)

Hi I was raised Catholic, and went to Catholic school my first 4 years of school. I always believed that suicide was a sin , and yet I still attempted it and Im still here. Im not very spiritual but I dont think god sees SI as a sin and thats just what I think. I really dont, I mean its a way of coping, its a way we've all found helpful ..just like exercising when mad or yelling its just a little extreme. anyway thats all I can really think about right now sorry if I wasnt any help take care-KAT

Re: has to do w/ religion, read if u want
Posted by Becky on Mon Oct 15 23:19:47 2001 (#10952)

I'm not Catholic, I'm actaully Baptist, but my church or whatever does believe that SI is a sin. They say that you are marking the temple of Christ. I guess I believe that SI is a sin though, but I only believe that because it has been drilled into my head by so many people from my church. I do it alot actaully, but I've tried to stop many times, but it never worked so I see how you don't think you can stop.

Re: has to do w/ religion, read if u want
Posted by Linda on Mon Oct 15 23:42:25 2001 (#10953)

Hi Kiddos! Just popped back over to see how things were doing and saw your post "me". You know I can't pass up these things. I just want to ask a question. If SI is a sin why is it any different from any other sin? What is the problem with sin? Why are you concerned about it? (Those of you who know me from the past know that these are only leading questions.) "me" I think I will leave it at this. If you would like to discuss this with me, I will spare the board and let you email me. Hope to hear from you. Love, Linda

Re: has to do w/ religion, read if u want
Posted by Strider on Tue Oct 16 01:07:35 2001 (#10957)

I doubt anyone here remembers me (more than likely due to the fact that I left before most people here now came to this board), but if you have heard of me, you'll know that I'm a Christian as well. Anyhow, reading through the old testament, I'm pretty sure that in the levitical laws it says that you aren't supposed to cut your flesh. Now, personaly, I've asked a couple pastors about it, and even though they knew of the same verse, they didn't seem to see it as a sin. The main problem with SI is not the act itself, but the driving force behind the act. It's the feelings and thoughts that make us do it that are the problem... not to say that they are sins per say, but they really aren't healthy for us. I hope that may shed some light on things. And like always..

love and prayers, Colin

Re: has to do w/ religion, read if u want
Posted by Tara's Mom on Tue Oct 16 01:11:09 2001 (#10958)

Oh boy, here goes. My beliefs are that God is a forgiving God. People who drink are forgiven so why can't people who SI be forgiven? Most of you know that Dawn is a very strong believer and that she cuts. I think that when Dawn does pass away(hopefully a long long time from now), God will greet her personally at the Gates of Heaven and tell her she did a good job on earth in spite of her troubled life. She kept her faith through all the bad times in her life and I think she will be rewarded for that. By the way Dawn, that's for the cute frogs I got in the mail today. I'll email you later. Back to the subject, I think no matter what happens, if you believe in God you will go to Heaven. I know I'll probably get lots of replys to the negative, but that's okay. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and this is just my opinion. I could ask some friends of mine that are Catholic and see what they say if you want me to. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: has to do w/ religion, read if u want
Posted by Sharon on Tue Oct 16 01:39:25 2001 (#10959)

Hey "me", boy have you just brought up a subject that I've thought about ever since I started cutting! I do believe that God is a loving God, and as such, He hates to see us in pain. My personal opinion is that SI is not "wrong" in the sense of it being a sin, but that it's harmful to a person because it pulls them away from God and turning to Him. I'm not saying that an SIer can't have a relationship with God, but from past experience, I've found that SI can keep me from worship for and closeness with God.

Also, the verse that Colin mentioned in Leviticus, I think that refers to a pagan ritual back then when priests would cut themselves as an act of dedication and prayer to their gods (for example, when Elijah faced off with the priests of Baal on Mt. Carmel) So I'm not really sure if that should be taken as, don't cut yourself as a ritual in worship or don't cut yourself period. Well, those are my thoughts.

hugs,

Sharon

Re: has to do w/ religion, read if u want
Posted by worryment with sticks on Tue Oct 16 05:51:19 2001 (#10964)

no arguments, just my take on this. Is self harm a sin? you need to have 'sin' defined to know the answer to that - so anyone that can give a definition of sin would be of help.

as far as I'm concerned religion is man's only sin. Self harm is a coping mechanism like alcohol addiction or drugs.

too pissed to say much of use,- does your dentist have an unhealthy interest in pre-pubescent giraffes?- it's a common thread

academy of trout

xxx

Re: has to do w/ religion, read if u want
Posted by Maggie on Tue Oct 16 07:05:00 2001 (#10965)

I was born and raised a Catholic, but now that I'm at University and not immersed in it like at school, I'm not so sure where I stand anymore. Anyway here's my take on SI... We are taught that our bodies are a gift from God, and in that respect it is probably wrong to desecrate them. But we were given free will, and if we are eventually judged, I don't think physical scars would be too high up on the 'sins' list, because we weren't harming other people. I see SI as self-preservation, as I believe that if I didn't cut to get out my negative energy, I could have perhaps done something more drastic to myself. I definately don't think alcohol is a mortal sin, coz i'm sure some of the bible stories set at parties are portraying very merry people. And I know of so many priests who regularly get drunk.

I think that SI may indicate character weakness, that could be helped by a stronger relationship with God.

Basically SI is a coping mechanism, which also has a strong biological/pathological basis and you can't really be held responsible for a physical malfunction.

That's my lot... Hugs, Maggie.

Re: has to do w/ religion, read if u want
Posted by Linda on Tue Oct 16 14:49:23 2001 (#10972)

Someone asked that sin be defined. I believe sin to be anything short of what Jesus would have done. Do you think Jesus would have done that?---whatever it is....SI...drinking .....drugs.....overeating....g ossip....lust........well..... ...that sure makes it tight for us, now doesn't it. I believe that is exactly as God planned it so that we know that there is NO WAY that any of us could work enough to merit salvation. Our hope is only in accepting Jesus to take our place. Someone mentioned(I believe it was Rhonda) that she believes that as long as we believe in God we will make it to heaven. Perhaps she didn't mean it quite that way as the Bible clearly says that Satan and his angels believe in God and they are most definitely NOT going to be in heaven so there must be more to it than that. Dawn is a clear example of that....yes...I do believe when she dies she will go to heaven, BUT not because she has fought a good fight over her past but simply because she ONE time trusted in Jesus to take her place before the throne of God. That did not make her perfect. It did not erase her past. It only gave her the Holy Spirit to assist her in her struggle and the promise of eternal life.

to every1 who plied, plz read!
Posted by *me* on Tue Oct 16 18:18:34 2001 (#10976)

Whoa I certainly was not expecting so many ppl to respond! Especially so many of the "old" posters! Colin and Linda and Sharon...ppl we haven't heard from in a while! Thanks to everyone, I was pleasantly surprised. In fact, I was preparing myself for maybe one response, and a couple angry ones. Newho...when I saw the thread I was quite happy that ppl took the time to reply!

It seems that most people pretty much have the same thoughts that I have concluded. I know that we are children of God, and that we are not supposed to harm ourselves bc our goal is to be Christ-like, but SI is really not something you can control. I personally believe that God would never look down on anyone who has an addiction, bc first of all he's all-loving, and second of all it's really not something you can just STOP. For many ppl it's not even something we chose to START. I guess I was just looking for reassurance that not believing it was a sin didn't mean I was some awful Catholic. It really had never truly entered my mind until I read that getting drunk - even if it wasn't a habit - was mortally evil (which I still have qualms about, even tho I don't drink....) That confused the heck out of me, and I started thinking, well if THAT'S evil, then am I going to hell bc of SI....and I had a lot of jumbled up thoughts that would prolly turn into a ramble if I started listing them all, and I'm sure you prolly don't want to read them all, so I'll stop here.

Thanks for the input, and the reassurance! Lots of love.

Re: to every1 who plied, plz read!
Posted by Linda on Tue Oct 16 19:26:48 2001 (#10977)

((((((((me))))))) It was surprising to me to read the posts for the first time in so long and see your questions. It was refreshing to see that religious questions are still asked on this board. It's good to see you all again. I still can't be on here regularly and that means it's frustrating to me to even be on here at all because I like to do everything I do with ALL my attention. I just don't have that much attention-giving time anymore. Anyway, it was good to participate again!! Love to all!

Help Others Out
Posted by KC on Tue Oct 16 02:43:20 2001 (#10960)

As I went throughout all of these messages and thought about them as if it was in my perspective it was quite scary. I've never cut myself, but I have researched alot on what the disorders are. I don't want to make anyone mad or upset by asking this, and I am truthfully not trying to hurt anyone. I am doing a research paper in my Psychology class on cutting and actually reading the book called 'Skin Game' by Caroline Kettlewell. If anyone would like to get some feelings out, or just let me know a story or two about self injury, that would help me and other people realize how traumatic this really is. Again, I do not want to harm anyone or make anyone think i am badgering them. Thanks for all that have listened. And please let me know of any thoughts you might have.

Re: Help Others Out
Posted by kae on Tue Oct 16 05:03:14 2001 (#10962)

hey girl

i wrote a story about si the other day. its only on paper at the moment and i wasnt intending on doing anything with it, but i can fix it up and show u if u want. its nothing special.....its just kinda weird that you should ask for a story about si just days after i wrote one!! u can get back to me on my hotmail addy.

cya later :)

kae

Re: Help Others Out
Posted by Maggie on Tue Oct 16 07:31:07 2001 (#10967)

Dear KC, I'm started cutting a year ago, and I've tried various other methods to inflict injury upon myself, including hammering my chest, head-banging, drinking toxic stuffs, and slicing veins. I've been SI-free for a few months now. I think I did it mainly for stress-release in the context of a coping-mechanism, but it's a very complex disorder and everyone has their own reasons. I don't believe medication helps a person with SI, and I think the most important thing in recovery is finding somebody you trust to confide in about everything. SI is about making mental things physical, and discussion is a healthy alternative sometimes, which is why so many people frequent this board. The worse things a non-SIer can do is judge us, or ignore the issue totally. SI is not often pleasure-seeking, which is a common misconception. It generally doesn't generate 'happiness' but merely releases stress so that we go back to normal state. 'Normal state' for an SIer is generally depressive or numb. Even when we are not cutting, we are generally not happy. In fact SI is like a viscious cycle, as cutting can result in guilt, which turns to self-anger/pity/frustration etc. generating the stress that lead us to cut originally.

Those who manage to stop SI for periods of time, often relapse worse than they were before.

I study Neuroscience at University amd my intention is to direct my research towards SI eventually.

I'm willing to answer any questions you may have if you wanna email them to me. It's nice that you take the time to try understand us...

From Maggie.