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Threads 3201 to 3250

what should i do??????
Posted by jennah on Wed Dec 5 02:43:43 2001 (#12712)

all of my friends do pot. they want me to start cause i am very tense all of the time i am depressed a lot and they say it will loosen me up a bit i am scared to do it because i have always made a promise never to do that shit please give me some advise i will check back l8er and see what you say, one of the main reasons i am so depressed is because i have found the love of my life i am only 14 and he is the love of my life every one tells me i am pathetic because i believe this he lives 6 hours away from me and i love him more than anyone i know and well i haven't seen him in so long he makes feel loved i am over weight yeah but he still loves me what should i do? please help me find a way back to happiness please i beg of you please sincerly, lost but loved, jennah

Re: what should i do??????
Posted by Elisha on Wed Dec 5 03:51:25 2001 (#12713)

If you don't want to get into that shit just say no. I know it sounds hokie(spl?)but I've had to say no so many times and I know it's not easy. If you're depressed I don't think it would be the best thing to do. Isn't it a depressent? or something. Stick to your guns and don't let friends change your morals. It's not pathetic that you're in love, it's great being in love....Anyways enough of my preaching....Don't ever do anything you have doubts about stay strong.

Re: what should i do??????
Posted by kim on Wed Dec 5 03:57:28 2001 (#12714)

okay pot messes with your emotions and mental stability...i used to do it all the time, all it led to was me cutting more and wanting to die even more. dont do it please! it might feel good at first but in the long run it will make you feel worse.

Re: what should i do??????
Posted by mego on Wed Dec 5 04:22:16 2001 (#12717)

i've been getting high since i was 13, i think. 7th grade, however old that is. its okay for me, but thats because i like to do it. a lot of my friends have started off with weed and gotten into heavier shit, read the shit i wrote about my friend, nell. since i first started smokin pot i've been smoking cigarettes, drinking more, ritlin, aderol, once i took some pill, i dont even know what it was, cause a guy told me it would make me feel better. well, i was up all night, puking with a fever. i was supposed to shroom with my friends older brother, i was supposed to do acid... when i think of how i was before i smoked pot, i am so glad that i'm not like that anymore. i was real shy, quit, didnt have many friends, whatever... but when i think of how i am now, i would have never chosen it for myself. i've been through some fucked up shit, seen a lotta bad shit, i dont really have much control over my life. i still get good grades (a's and b's, i'm in all of the honors classes that were available to freshmen except for one), but i fight a lot with my parents. i spend a lot of money on cigs and weed, most everything else i get for free. i have had a lot of rumors going around about me this year, i even heard one about me being at a party over the summer, getting high, and sleeping with a 19 year old... hmmm... doesnt sound too familliar to me but whatever. if you are ready to take criticism and for your life to get fucked with a little, and if you really want to do it, go for it. if not, dont. your friends aren't really that good of friends if they keep telling you to do this, even when they know you dont want to. as for that guy, i dont know what to say except that fourteen is too young to really know what love is. i have a guy like that who lives, what, 12 hours away, maybe more?... i just decided to move on, there is nothing that could make us work out. i just try to enjoy the little time i get to spend with him and to not get too attached. i've learned to ignore all of the crazy shit he whispers in my ear when we are together. if i didn't, i'd go insane missing him. good luck, i doubt any of this helped. send me some mail if you need some advise or if you wanna talk about it or whatever... peace. mego

Re: what should i do??????
Posted by KAT on Wed Dec 5 04:43:10 2001 (#12720)

I hope you know the true meaning of love before you fall for someone just to get your heart broken sweetheart. Pot is a leading drug.. means once you do it more and morre, the more you want it, you get a tolerance that makes you want something stronger and then off you go into the deep world of drugs. It's not pretty..it really isnt at all. I do smoke pot all the time, I can help it, but on the other hand I cant..if I could go back and never try it I would go back. It has fucked shit up in my life but I also contributed.. I don't think you should do it, but if you want to you can, it's your own choice, that only you can make. I hope that helped you a little good luck to you, make wise choices LOVE AND HUGS-KAT

Re: what should i do??????
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Dec 6 02:59:47 2001 (#12746)

Of course, I'm gonna tell you not to start smoking pot, but that's just the mom in me. I can't tell you what to do, but I will advise you to think carefully about this before you start. I don't like to see anyone do any kind of drugs, but that's just my opinion. I can't live ya'll's lives for you. REAL friends don't try to talk you into some thing if you tell them NO. They would respect your rights. And you can choose to believe it or not, there will be other guys in your life besides this one. A long distance relationship is really hard to keep going. I won't tell you to forget him, cause I know you won't, but watch your heart. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care LOve, Rhonda

Re: what should i do??????
Posted by Dawn on Sat Dec 8 06:37:42 2001 (#12785)

When I was a teenager (which was eons ago) ppl I hung with smoked it all the time. but not me. I used to suffer with headaches and sinus problems so swallowing pills was a part of life, so for about 6 months I took lots of pills offered to me. But I figured out finally that the ppl giving me the pills had ulterior motives, if you get my drift. But when I was high I fought like hell.

Then I gave my heart to the man I later married just before our oldest daughter was born. He smoked all the time, and drank too, hoping to keep him home I started drinking with him, and he and his friends liked me better, but I didn't like me. But to keep him I kept drinking. I even started drinking before he came home so he would like being with me more. But that didn't help.

So after all those years of saying no to pot I started smoking it with him and his friends. But I was never happy, because I was going against myself.

Then I almost went to jail twice for growing pot, and for taking pot and a pot pipe to a jail for a book and release for a shoplifting charge. I knew I had to change my life. But I was married to the wrong man for that to happen and every day I became more and more unhappy because I was not being true to myself. I was trying to get and keep friends by doing what they wanted.

Then he had an accident driving drunk and the cut off both of his legs. He and his friend had been drinking and smoking pot all day. I tried even harder to get drinking and smoking pot out of our lives but after 7 years of it it had became a way of life. So for another 7 years we drank and smoked pot every day. We had no reason not to. Our lives were of no meaning.

He got really depressed, left me with the kids to raise alone for months at a time and a friend told me Jesus could change my life and I gave it to him. Broken and shattered as it was and its taken 20 years, but now I live life according to my values, and let my exhusband and our children live their lives according to their values. And I am happier than I've ever been. And I have people in my life who like me.... not because I drink or smoke pot but because I like myself and it shows..... 49 and counting. love and hugs...Dawn

Re: what should i do??????
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Sat Dec 8 22:08:37 2001 (#12791)

dawn you are amazing...you are such a great person, i don't know what else to say. i admire you so much

Re: what should i do??????
Posted by Mandi on Wed Dec 12 02:44:53 2001 (#12848)

Jennah- I do know how you feel about the boyfriend thing. Mine lives 14 hours away. Thankfully, I'm old enough to make something happen, but not yet. I wouldn't suggest smoking pot personally. I'm against drugs now, but I tried it once when I was 15- didn't feel a thing. Only guilty after, giving us yet another reason to cut. It's up to you though.

this shit has to stop
Posted by mego on Wed Dec 5 04:02:28 2001 (#12715)

i slammed the back door on my way out today, so now i dont have a bedroom door. i hate my dad, he has no control over any of his actions, i wonder if he knows how much he hurts us. he says something, and we all have to agree with him because we are afraid of him. i love my mom so much but most of our problems are because of her drinking. my brother... living in this house is just fucking him up. god, are these people retarded?? i am so sick of everyones shit. nick called and he knew i was upset so he told me to meet him by his house. i was hanging out with him at danny's house (yeah, the one who tryed to stab me, we're cool now i guess) and i called my mom to tell her where i was. she was drunk and we started to fight on the phone. i broke down and started bawling my eyes out right there in front of the guys. when i got off the phone they decided to do a re-enactment of my family and how fucked up it is at my house. it made me laugh, but the sad thing is that it was a lot like how things really are. tim told nell that if he werent going out with brandy that he'd go out with me in a second. okay, again, i think of him as my big brother. damn, why are all these people confusing me? are they all morons?? i dont want to be here at all, i'm thinking of seeing if i can stay at nell's and tim's for a while, which might not be such a good idea but anything has got to be better than staying here right now. it would hurt my mom too much, i couldnt do that. what am i thinking?? too much is going on right now, i just want to fall asleep and never wake up. god, everything is so frustrating. i'm supposed to be in bed sleeping in a half hour and i still have to get a shit load of homework done. my mom insists that i have to get a's in my honors classes and join some kinda sport or club to get into college. why i she worrying about college? i'm 15, i just started high school. then my dad told me that i'm never going to get a job and i'm gonna be a loser for my whole life because all i do is 'sit around and smoke pot all day' which totally isnt true. like he can talk, look at him. he cant even eat without food falling out of his mouth. anyway, i should go so you people dont have to hear me bitch and so i can get into bed before midnight and fall asleep before one. if i cut i'll be able to fall asleep faster...

Re: this shit has to stop
Posted by KAT on Wed Dec 5 04:45:33 2001 (#12721)

I dunno..your life sounds confusing.. how old are you??? Maybe you should slow down and take a look at things .. Im sorry things are shitty right now take care, stay safe love yourself! love and hugs-KAT

Re: this shit has to stop
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Dec 6 02:53:34 2001 (#12744)

You go right ahead and bitch all you want to. That's what we're here for, each other. I'm so sorry about your family. I wish I had some words to say that would help you out, but I'll just send this: (((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))) ))))))))))))))) Put your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug from me, okay?!!! I do care about you and I hope you feel better soon. As far as your parents go, your dad sounds like he's the one with the problem. And your mom, even though I know you love her,the drinking doesn't help you at all. Parents can be such assholes sometimes, me included. But, I changed when I found out how bad Tara was hurting and maybe somewhere down the road your parents will change too. Is there any adult around that you trust enough to talk to? Maybe someone who could help you talk to your mom. If I can help any at all, let me know. Just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: this shit has to stop
Posted by star (amz) on Thu Dec 6 11:50:39 2001 (#12757)

darling this isnt your fault i cant beleiev what shit you put up with, please do not loose hope is there any where else you can go? maybe a friend or relative? i think they are slowly destroying you (no offence to any of your family) but i dont think this situation is ever going to be good for you. How old are you? could you find anywhere where you would feel more secure? Please take care darling and if you ever need to talk please mail me or message on here./ God bless Amz xxxx

Why??
Posted by Elisha on Wed Dec 5 04:11:16 2001 (#12716)

Okay why does eatting disorders get on talk shows? Why do news stories talk about anorexia? Why are there always made for tv movies about bulimia? Why is there so much coverage for eating disorders? Why not for cutters? Why can't we be given the chance to educate people too? Why aren't we be given a voice? When I go to doctors they never know what to say, they treat me like a freak show or a science experiment...We need to be recognized and accepted like anorexia and bulimia is in the main stream society. people need to be educated so that we aren't seen as freaks or a danger to everyone else's safety...just some ramblings....

Re: Why??
Posted by mego on Wed Dec 5 04:26:56 2001 (#12718)

because they are afraid that if people find out how good it feels, then they will start cuttng too. then everyone will be like us. haha, scary, huh?

Re: Why??
Posted by KAT on Wed Dec 5 04:49:29 2001 (#12722)

people are scared, and when they are scared they don't like to confront the issues. I see both sides of it, on one hand it is good that maybe not a lot of people be exposed to it, but on your point of view I see as to how educating people about how cutting IS a disorder in which we pick up along the lines of depression and despair. I don't know, maybe after a little while things will show up positive. take care -KAT

Re: Why??
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Dec 6 01:48:14 2001 (#12741)

Since you brought this up, I thought I'd tell you that I did send an email to the Oprah show asking about doing a show on SI. If I ever hear something back, I'll let ya'll know. I think I'd be scared to talk about that cause I don't really know the reasons why ya'll cut or anything. And the Oprah show is the only talk show I watch that I think would do a good job on the subject. Any way, I'll let you know. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Why??
Posted by Mandi on Wed Dec 12 02:56:35 2001 (#12849)

i think the reason anorexia and bulimia are so widely talked about and accepted is because our society promotes thin, skinny, whatever you want to call it. We've come to the realization that it's our own fault, so we have to deal with it. However, when it comes to intentionally hurting yourself, in whatever way, people aren't able to deal with that. It's funny...some people get frustrated and just about kill themselves by running too hard or boxing or what have you, and yet being as we aren't trying to sugar coat our anger, it's not allowed to be discussed. Interesting, isn't it?

Re: Why??
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Dec 12 04:00:06 2001 (#12851)

ignorence is bliss...or so they say...

hi,lifesux,itneverchanges
Posted by elle on Wed Dec 5 06:36:40 2001 (#12729)

i am os tespu thgir won. i cant even think strait. man life sux. nothing changes. i dont even know what to say i jsut want to scream. ireally cnat evil ta emoh anymore. i hate my parents. i hate everything i evah bevcome. i want to die now. i wish i had someone to turn to. someone else to go live with. but eht tser fo ym family is just as bad. adn they would never understand. i could just scream right now. i need razors. my dumb mother has stolen all of mine. frig, i am 18 and ican have razors if i want to. why is life so miserable. it is bad when everyone knows everything is bad. but when they think sti enif sti neve esrow,my head is spinning. spinning. i think i am gonna puke. really, no joke. sad and lonely. but the thiing is that i dont feel like i should be miserable and i dont feel depressed adn all i feel is angry. i want to kill someone. i dont really. want to do that to anyone i know. i just want to rip apart life as a lareneg gnieb, man. maggie and nuni are so lucky they got to meet each other that is so cool. i hope someday i can meet suzie. i am so unhappy..i want to destroy. but thats not what i do. i want to break everything in the house and rip everything up and and and i dunno. run away iguess. live someone elses life and i am so confused and ggrr.r i dont neve wonk tahw ot yas. i think i want to destroy me. i cant destroy anyuthing else. why do i have to be aware of fuckin social convention. i just want to say screw it all. throw the computer across the room. kicck all the walls.destroy . thats the mood. i dont know. i need to swallow the lump in my throat but i dont know where it comes from. i am back to not sleeping. whatever. if you cant destroy the world then destroy yourself. thats all that is really yours.

Re: hi,lifesux,itneverchanges
Posted by Mego on Wed Dec 5 21:00:26 2001 (#12735)

hey, i know exactly how you feel. at least you're eighteen. you can find your own place, you have control over yourself. i cant even do that yet. i hate what you just described because its the exact same thing i feel every day. i'm sorry, i know it sucks but i guess thats just how shit has to be. stay strong. peace. mego

Re: hi,lifesux,itneverchanges
Posted by elle on Wed Dec 5 23:01:53 2001 (#12737)

hey how is everyone? Linda do you remember me? i hope so. man, i shoulda never stopped coming here. i missed so much

Re: hi,lifesux,itneverchanges
Posted by kim on Thu Dec 6 00:38:44 2001 (#12738)

i'm kinda new...welcome back babe!!!

Re: hi,lifesux,itneverchanges
Posted by jue on Thu Dec 6 03:30:57 2001 (#12749)

hey elle. i missed you. i have been here off and on and have e-mailed you a few times but i just read that you have a different e-mail address so that would explain why i haven't heard from you. take care. julie

Re: hi,lifesux,itneverchanges
Posted by Linda on Thu Dec 6 05:10:39 2001 (#12753)

Of course I remember you. How could I forget!!! I have written you and even checked your diary occasionally. I assumed that if you needed me you would let me know. Did you ever make your trip to St. Louis? I hope not because that means you came and went and we didn't get together. :( Email me!

Re: hi,lifesux,itneverchanges
Posted by elle on Fri Dec 7 04:50:20 2001 (#12770)

no, i never came, and i rarely update my diary cause it is always broken. just wanted you to know i have missed talking to you. do you ever go on IM anymore?

Re: hi,lifesux,itneverchanges
Posted by Linda on Sat Dec 8 22:42:41 2001 (#12792)

Nope...very rarely. I just don't have that much time. If I come online I check my mail and check PSYKE and that's about it. We'll talk again soon!

Every 1 Plez Read, we can change life sux days
Posted by Dawn on Tue Dec 11 02:48:49 2001 (#12833)

Elle, I've looked high and low for an addy for you and found none. I just hate coming in days after a post and respondind to it, figuring it will get lost in the mire of the board.

I've also gone back eons and can see where you say it never changes. I'm a Christian but there are times when softening a word changes the context attitude severely so I won't. Here goes: "Same old shit, different day" not my words, but ones that hold true.

If you've ever been in AA,NA< Alanon, or any of the rest of those self help groups you will have heard a slogan about doing the same thing day after day and expecting a different outcome. IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN

WHEN WE COME TO THE PLACE WHERE WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED..... and we really want our lives to change IT IS UP TO US TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENTLY.

Maybe it is feeling the urge to pour out our pain using a blade.... and getting away from our blade, taking a walk, finding someplace to scream at the top of our lungs LIFE SUCKS AND I WANT IT TO STOP, or getting a child's plastic baseball bat and going outside to a tree and beating the tree and screaming at it all the things you want your blades to say.

What is the worse thing that could happen, could it be some one see you or hear you and think you have lost your mind. Is that really worse than taking a blade and bleeding a few drops of useless blood.

Elle, if bleeding stopped life from sucking we would all be living in a different world. Jesus bled..... and life still sucks.

We have to find a different way. If someone hurts use we can use our voice and say "You hurt me and I don't like it." If it is an adult and it is sexual, use that "I want to cut urge" and go tell a policeman, or a teacher, and keep telling people until someone does something to make it stop.

But life sucks and sometimes you do all that and the person seems to get away with it. But something happened differently. You defended yourself and you made enough noice that people heard what you said, and the person knows that maybe he will be watched a little more closely and hurting you is not so easy.

And maybe life still sucks and you feel like you have to bleed just like you have to breath, so you bleed an emotional breath, and you feel relief for a few minutes. You didn't fail. You did something different and next time when you do something different it will have an ending more to your liking. And one thing different at a time will change who you are inside your skin which will change who you are ourside your skin.

And there will be less "Life sux" days and more better.... notice I SAID BETTER not perfect. PERFECT TAKES A LIFETIME...LOVE AND HUGS...Dawn

Y woznt it me she didnt deserve to die!
Posted by Jenny on Wed Dec 5 13:18:00 2001 (#12733)

Wot do u think of when u c love? nothing at all love aint anything? it doesnt even exost you have to be stupid to believe it. In this world you are all alone and no one cares enough to s top the pain it keeps going on and on. when will the world end? maybe tonight may be soon all i can hope for is the end.

The school has just had some horrible news a girl has just died and no one knows why I dont even know who she is but my one wish for that girl is that I should have taken her place coz no one will miss me. I feel so bad for her family she just die in her sleep IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!!!!!!!!!!! YYYYYYYYYY woznt it??

Re: Y woznt it me she didnt deserve to die!
Posted by mego on Wed Dec 5 21:05:08 2001 (#12736)

nobody knows how she died YET. maybe she took pills to kill herself. people would miss you, you just dont want to believe that they would. i've thought the same thing a million times when i find out about someone dieing, i wonder why the hell it couldn't be me because there have been times that i have really wanted to die, i just wouldn't kill myself, just like you aren't going to kill yourself. she died, she wasn't sick, maybe she was happy. these tough times have to end sometime, maybe its just better to die happy, even if you're not ready, than it is to die sad, when you want to. does this make sense? i'm sorry if it doesnt. this is all i can think of to say. peace. mego

For 'people=shit'
Posted by Karen on Wed Dec 5 14:26:29 2001 (#12734)

Who are you?

Mail me. We think alike.

GRRR I HATE THIS!?
Posted by Danielle on Thu Dec 6 01:18:26 2001 (#12739)

ive just hacked my arm to pieces and im not even feeling that bad or upset, i was only going 2 cut once (well not counting the other 3 times earlier 2day) and i ended up going mad with the blade all over my arms, i dont feel like i can control this... i hate the way this has turned out at first i felt in control of my feelings by cutting like a power or something now i dont even know what im gonna do next. i dunno why im saying this i just cant keep it inside all the time, sorry for boring u all xXx

Re: GRRR I HATE THIS!?
Posted by jennah on Thu Dec 6 02:18:17 2001 (#12742)

u aren't boring us if you were boring us we wouldn't leave massages if you ever need someone to talk to im me at major bizotch, or footballgodess87 if you don't have aol or aim you can e-mail me at footballgodess87@aol.com or jewishgurl@adamgarcia.every1.n et please contact me i will talk to anyone who needs someone to talk to just put the subject at PSYKE ok

Re: GRRR I HATE THIS!?
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Dec 6 02:55:20 2001 (#12745)

we are all here for you. the point of this board is to be able to vent...your not boring us at all

Re: GRRR I HATE THIS!?
Posted by Jamie on Thu Dec 6 03:28:18 2001 (#12748)

You are not boring anyone....You need to get your feelings out....I know how you feel.......I hacked my leg up two days ago.....I hope that you have been feeling a lot better.......

What to do?
Posted by Jamie on Thu Dec 6 03:26:03 2001 (#12747)

I feel like cutting...I don;t know what to do....I cut two days ago becasue i was stressed out now i back at that point....what can i do?

Re: What to do?
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Dec 6 03:46:26 2001 (#12750)

try and take yourself away from the things that might be stressing you out. if you feel the urge to cut, take a shower, or walk, or hold an ice cube in your hand for awhile, or snap a rubber band on your wrists theres stuff you go to try and find that take your mind off cutting of you dont want to...*best of luck*

Re: What to do?
Posted by CryingRedTears on Thu Dec 6 03:52:34 2001 (#12751)

couple other ways: -punch the shit out of a pillow -take a red magic marker and draw the cuts you want to make -write -run around your block as fast as you can until you are completely tired and want to pass out *hope you feel better*

you have just experienced a mind dribble by: brittany

Re: What to do?
Posted by mego on Thu Dec 6 04:08:18 2001 (#12752)

i dont know what to tell you, i need to cut just so i can fall asleep so as you can tell, i have no control over when i do it. There are a lot of other people, though, who should have great advise on this board. Send me some mail if you wanna talk. peace. mego

Cowardly no-namers
Posted by Alana on Thu Dec 6 05:23:55 2001 (#12754)

Who are all the cowardly no-namers who have shit to say about me but won't reveal who they are? If you have a problem deal with it properly. Show a little maturity.

I'm sick of people pretending to be someone else...just fuckin well sign YOUR name and get the honesty over with already. This is getting so old.

Alana

Re: Cowardly no-namers
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Dec 6 21:53:06 2001 (#12760)

i was just thinking the same thing...

Re: Cowardly no-namers
Posted by CryingRedTears on Thu Dec 6 22:14:09 2001 (#12762)

me too...

Re: Cowardly no-namers
Posted by KAT on Thu Dec 6 23:16:24 2001 (#12763)

I think we all need to chill the hell out
:)

Re: Cowardly no-namers
Posted by jue on Fri Dec 7 02:44:35 2001 (#12766)

i think that maybe some people don't want to reveal who they are because maybe they used to come here but don't anymore but still check every once in a while but want to avoid others asking how they are doing...just my thoughts.

Re: Cowardly no-namers
Posted by HUGA on Fri Dec 7 08:18:44 2001 (#12774)

ALANA: I don't think that protecting your identity has anything to do with maturity. Perhaps 'No-name' is her screen name. It seems like you take things out of proportion or too personally. You should give up challenging people to find faults in you... the only gripe we have with you is your constant seeking of disapproval. We don't want to critisise you so stop asking loaded question. We luv you all the same (((ALANA)))

.::*kim*::. ok then

CryingRedTears: You have no grounds on which to say that posting under false names is immature, unless your actions reflect your birthname.

Kat: We're chillin' hun / hon (spelling?)

Jue: Are you trying to tell us something?

Re: Cowardly no-namers
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Dec 7 21:49:43 2001 (#12779)

??? ok then??? why did ya say that?

Posts on this board is only bits and pieces
Posted by Dawn on Thu Dec 6 09:20:09 2001 (#12755)

I know many people are torn about their feelings about me. And about the deal with Becky.

I try to be trustworthy and honest about myself, my past, and my present. But I think far too often people read one post then weeks later read another and think they have a good concept of what a person is like and what they believe.

I am a Christian. I am also a person who was fondled from the time I wore diapers and it progressed from there to molestation, rape by many many liars. Then I married a man who picked me up off the street to give me a ride somewhere, only when I couldn't find where that somewhere was, and instead saw an apartment where I had been raped in I freaked and told him to take me anywhere as long as it was away from there.

When he picked me up at 6 in the morning and he was still drunk from the night before he was the last man on earth I wanted to be with and luckily for me one of his other passengers said his girlfriend wouldn't mind if I spent a night or two with them. But as fate would have it the drivers car broke its steering near where the few clothes I had was stored, and in the end I wound up staying with the driver. I had to sleep in his mother's bed with him, and to my surprise he did not rape me. he was the first man in 4 months who hadn't. And the second night the same thing happened. And the third day as pathetic as it is. I stroked and craddled his dog (who hated all strangers) and talked to the dog until I added 1+1 (that his master didn't rape me + and he had the chance) and came up with the idea that he had not done it because he loved me.... and because no one had ever loved me before then I would do everything in I could so that he would always love me.

There was problems with that notion. The first was I didn't like him, but I loved his dog and his dog loved me. He drank every day and I was always afraid he would kill himself, me, or someone else. And I could not stop it.

And then he began to grab my long hair and make me do things I didn't want to do... and worse yet he like to take pictures and hate for him began to fight with my vow to love him until I died.

Many times he tried to kill me and I jumped free, or hide in bushes. Even aften I had our children. Everyday for nearly 16 years I grew increasingly mentally ill.

And yes I abused my children, so now I abuse myself. And my memory will not die, so sometimes I think/thought of killing myself.

When I finally knelt beside my bed and said God if you can fix my life and use it in any way I give it over to you now. And I cried till He dried my tears. And step by step I've made changes in my life. Some changes took time, because I still had not learned I can't change other people, and my kids didn't want to change. and neither did their dad. So I accepted their choices and I decided to embark on a life lived in piece.

But I've learned that peace only comes when you look at your life through the eyeglasses of reality, you face your pain, and sometimes the pain is so severe we cut and attempt suicide, and sometimes if we are strong and have good support we make it through.

Becky is fighting a battle that goes deeper than blades. She's talked of some things here but its in bits and pieces that fit in with bits and pieces she has talked with me about on messenger or in email. And she has emailed me that I did the right thing. She wants help. She has just told me she would die before getting it.

I've been there. And I've came home and found all my medication gone and the word pissed is way to soft of a word to use for how enraged I was. But now 4 years later I can tell my daughter thank you because she saved my life.

Cutting to relieve pain is one thing. Dying is a whole different ballgame. But a few years ago I voted on the Oregon Ballot for the right to die..... because I wanted someone to ok it for me to take my life. I had a plan. I researched it all out. I even did a trial run.... which told me my plan was flawed..... now I'm glad

You see that is the thing...TIME... in time small inner pains heal, changes we make in our lives takes us down different roads.... and then pieces of our healing comes together and we find ourselves in a totally different way of looking at our lives.

I want to assist in the saving of lives. And I cannot do that if I see someone on the brink of suicide and do nothing. And by the way I will say it again. Before Becky gave me any information about her or her location I told her that I would keep the information to myself unless she was ready to commit suicide and then she gave me the information.

I know this has been long, but when people start saying I talk about God and yet abuse my children that ticks me off. I abused my children before I gave my broken life to God to fix. And God is not some imaginary fairy godmother who waves a wand and poof lives are fixed. It took 30 years to screw up my life, 4 more for reality to sit in and 14 years to work through my lifetime of rubble.

Re: Posts on this board is only bits and pieces
Posted by star (amz) on Thu Dec 6 11:31:50 2001 (#12756)

You are amazing dawn your story moved me too tears He will protect you now, i love you. if you ever need yo talk please mail me i would love to talk with you, Amz xxxx

Re: Posts on this board is only bits and pieces
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Dec 6 22:00:42 2001 (#12761)

w0w...you are such a wonderful person you have been through so much, and still made it through...you give hope to many, what you did for becky will help her greatly in the future

Re: Posts on this board is only bits and pieces
Posted by KAT on Thu Dec 6 23:18:35 2001 (#12764)

that was really long, Dawn I dont know who has bad feelings towards you I havent seen any but dont take them personally..well try not to.
:) KAT

Re: Posts on this board is only bits and pieces
Posted by jue on Fri Dec 7 03:00:01 2001 (#12767)

Dawn...i have nothing but admiration and prayers for you....i have no idea what it would have been like for you, but i do know how wonderful the grace of God is and i can never express how wonderful it is to feel that...i am happy you have felt it. and i was reading my Bible the other day and this verse about being blameless before God it was so beautiful to me. that he will forgive everything. so yeah...that is about it. take care of you. julie

Re: Posts on this board is only bits and pieces
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Dec 7 03:18:24 2001 (#12769)

Dawn, You are truly a wonderful and understanding woman. Your life has been hell and yet you can give back to help others who hurt. I know GOD will bless you and care for you the rest of your life. Matthew 5:9 says, Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God. In the Bible a peacemaker is someone who strives by their witness and life to bring others, including their enemies, to peace with God. This is how I see you Dawn, as a peacemaker. I hope everyone here will always remember that Dawn has been here for anyone who wanted help. Sorry Dawn, just had to toot your horn a little. I love you girl. Take care. Love, Rhonda

PLEZ READ, + news of Becky
Posted by Dawn on Fri Dec 7 06:53:29 2001 (#12772)

I know my posts get long and sometimes the message gets "poor me" when I'm trying to say something else.

I read the flax I got about calling the police on Becky. My self esteem isn't crushed by people's negative opinions of me or what I say.

I'm here for two reasons, one to keep getting better, and the second to save lives. I know pain, I know how you begin to make a small cut and wind up needing stitches or a life-flight helicopter and you're too out of it to enjoy the ride while emergency personnel work frantically to keep you alive.

That was my life after my mental breakdown. And when I see someone else's life heading in that direction and I may be able to turn it off that course. I'm going to do it.

But what I want people on this board to get is this: People posting on this board post only bits and pieces of their stories, sometimes they are angry, othertimes they are sad, and far to often they are so overwhelmed by the shit in their lives their reasoning leaves them struggling in a mire of emotions and despair and they OD or cut deeper or many times and their lives are lost to us. AND WHETHER WE WANT TO ADMIT IT OR NOT WE FEEL THE LOSS, we battle with our minds if we could have done or said something to keep them alive one more day.

One more day...... maybe that will be the day of our breakthrough..... when the pain will ease up..... when situations change.....when the abuse will stop.... or we find the courage to tell someone we cannot get better on our own.... that we've given it the best we could and it isn't enough and we are seriously considering killing ourselves. And each and every day we make it through is a battle we have fought and won.

Did you know that we put a lot of energy in hoping we can get through whatever it is we are battling.... But the Bible says that Jesus is the Blessed HOPE and when our hope is in Him we are NEVER disappointed..... oh things might not work out the way we thought or hoped they would but when we settle down and Rest in God's hands. Our life will always turn out for our good.

This board has been such a blessing to me. People who are in so much pain themselves will somehow amazingly pull themselves out of their pit to reach into someone else's pit and extend a helping hand. It happens every day.... Do you see it.... If you don't see it purpose in your mind to look for it. And you will see it then.

By the way Becky is in the hospital and her family are rallying around her. Say a prayer for her. She can use all the prayers we can send her way. Love and hugs.... Dawn

Re: PLEZ READ, + news of Becky
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Dec 7 21:55:46 2001 (#12780)

your right...this board helps so much...thank you all for being there!!! i hope evrything turns out okay will becky!

one day a lil gurl called jo went to the head doc'
Posted by jes on Thu Dec 6 14:05:59 2001 (#12758)

she went to the doc's and the nice lady asked her lots of questions, whichshe didn't mind because it was nice to get it off of her chest. the nice lady said that for the moment she thought that 'talking treatment' was the way to go but anti-depressants where always an opportunity, although they don't always work on some one jo's ages because she's only young and is still developing. or some shit like that. After all of the talking, the lady told jo that she would be having a meeting with all of her other head doctor friends, and they would all decide the best way to help her. Jo is now waiting for an appointment which should 'hopefully be before christmas'. Jo is also feeling like shit right now and wants to go do something violent towards anything that maybe available, whether it be herself, an object or some one else (but only the last one if the other two fail)

THE END

Re: one day a lil gurl called jo went to the head
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 6 20:06:27 2001 (#12759)

I would like to add something to Jes's story. While Jo waited for the head DR's to decide her fate. Jo went where people were familiar. Where everyone knew her pain, and understood her. Eventhough she could only talk to these other people through electronical means, Jo knew that maybe at least one electronical person loved her and cared for her. That one person would hold her tight and write her and tell her it would eventually get better, But Jo knew that it took time and patience. Jo wanted to hurt herself and there was no one there to stop her. But that is okay too. Because Jo was still waiting .... almost patiently. Because she knew she was loved.

THE END (again)

Re: one day a lil gurl called jo went to the head
Posted by KAT on Thu Dec 6 23:21:21 2001 (#12765)

well I hope this story turns out good..I hate when they turn out bad. I hope everything wokrs out for you.. head doctors can be great, but also watch out for yourself, you know! Meds are wonderful too.. w/o them I would have never made it over to the "other side" of depression..the happy side.. or if not happy but the content side. take care stay safe KAT

Re: one day a lil gurl called jo went to the head
Posted by jue on Fri Dec 7 03:03:09 2001 (#12768)

i liked that. i hope for the best of everything and lots of love for you...some coming your way through me too:)

To Jes xxx
Posted by star on Fri Dec 7 11:24:19 2001 (#12775)

What happened? sweetie you were so positive about it on tuesday, what happened? i thought you were ok about it thats how you seemed with me, im sorry not meaning to be sharp or whatever but im sorta shocked i guess how things could change so much you were so happy about it all.....if u need me im here i wanna finish your story now. rememer i love you.

But when Jo was feeling this way she knew deep inside that she didnt need to do these things as she has many friends on this board and also near her especially two Amy and Emm who although had been through a lot of things between the three of them were always there and she realsied that the head doctor was right and she could help her bt not as much as the love of her friends. The End I love you darling,. Love Amz xxx

Re: one day a lil gurl called jo went to the head
Posted by mego on Sun Dec 9 04:06:54 2001 (#12797)

one day a little girl named jo went to her computer, turned it on, and went on the internet. she found a really cool web site called psyke, where she could talk to a lot of nice people who were like her in many different ways. these people could understand the problems jo was telling them that she had and tryed to help her. they were all good friends! sometimes, though, these cool new friends didnt know what to say. at these times, they just told jo to stay strong and that they loved her and would try to help her whenever they could. that made jo very happy!!

hey, i dont know what to say about whats going on with you right now, i cant even handle my own life. i wish i knew how to help you. send me some mail if you want to talk. peace. mego

Re: one day a lil gurl called jo went to the head
Posted by jes on Sun Dec 9 17:46:46 2001 (#12810)

hey, sorry i haven't been on for a while, i just wanted to say thanks for the support and endings to my story, and amy....i am positive about it, it's just that i still ahev shit days, just because i'm getting help, it doesn't mean it'll all go away. sorry but ur gonna have to put up with me for a while yet :-) love you all loads. xxxx

Re: one day a lil gurl called jo went to the head
Posted by Dawn on Mon Dec 10 10:44:39 2001 (#12824)

I was once a lil gurl like jo going to a head doctor for the first time and feeling frightened about everything. And the doctor put me on meds but like Jo life was still shitty, so they changed my meds off and on and I had to talk a lot about things I didn't want to say because I thought they were bad things I did, they sure made me feel Bad. But through talking I learned as jo will someday that feeling bad doesn't mean you are bad, and meds do help, but you don't always see that until you are farther down the road and you can look backward and see where you was. Love, Hugs, and prayers of perservence...Dawn

Re: one day a lil gurl called jo went to the head
Posted by star on Mon Dec 10 11:49:58 2001 (#12826)

I know that i was just wondering. *

anyone know about necrosis
Posted by just wondering on Fri Dec 7 06:52:02 2001 (#12771)

I stopped coming here a while ago but I wondered if anyone knows necrosis who also used to come here and could tell me if he's fine

thanks

Re: anyone know about necrosis
Posted by Maggie on Fri Dec 7 07:57:59 2001 (#12773)

I see him on MSN messenger sometimes, and I think his email addy is dave_youll@hotmail.com. The last time I spoke to him was about a month ago and he was doing fine.

Re: anyone know about necrosis
Posted by ''''''''''''''''' on Sat Dec 8 00:42:39 2001 (#12782)

its a shame he turned into such an asshole...

Re: anyone know about necrosis
Posted by 4574782 on Sat Dec 8 03:53:49 2001 (#12783)

I agree.

Re: anyone know about necrosis
Posted by jue on Sat Dec 8 11:23:59 2001 (#12786)

i have noticed his name on the suicide board you might want to look there.

Re: anyone know about necrosis
Posted by Ema on Sun Dec 9 02:37:19 2001 (#12794)

He's not an asshole!! He's a good friend of mine. Maybe you get a kick out of slagging people off!

Re: anyone know about necrosis
Posted by Maggie on Sun Dec 9 22:01:41 2001 (#12814)

You go Ema! I think he's nice too... You people that have problems with him certainly hold grudges a long time. Get over it!

Re: anyone know about necrosis
Posted by just wondering on Fri Dec 14 06:46:03 2001 (#12884)

I know how you could feel that way, but he did change a lot...he was really nice but in the course of a week just didn't have the time...it's a shame, he was a good friend, which was why I was just checking

Re: anyone know about necrosis
Posted by just wondering on Fri Dec 14 06:43:43 2001 (#12883)

yeah, we talked a lot for about 6, 8 months and then he turned into a jerk...I was just wondering about him, seeing if he's alive basically...thanks all

Blood and candy (a poem)
Posted by star (amz) on Fri Dec 7 11:31:18 2001 (#12776)

Hey all and thanks to anyone who looks at this lil poem thingy, it isnt a personal experience it just kinda came to me in a dream last night and i wrote it on the bus to school :P tell me what you think please.

Blood and candy.

Your mouth tastes like Candy Its bitter yet sweet but your eyes are so violent make me fall at your feet feel you weight on top of me i drown in myself you pulled down my heaven sent me straight into hell

you look down on me and i start to scream then you smile so sweetly it must be a dream i look at my arms the blood it drips *what have you done!!??* i scream as my voice slips

You look at me silently and i see your face one soft and deadly kiss im back in that place i cannot escape you ill never be free that horror inside turns out to be ME.

A lil strange i know but please tell me what you all think./ Love and glitter Amz xxxx

Re: Blood and candy (a poem)
Posted by danielle on Sat Dec 8 17:08:14 2001 (#12787)

ur poems really good :)

Re: Blood and candy (a poem)
Posted by mego on Sun Dec 9 03:53:47 2001 (#12796)

that really good bro

Dani and Mego
Posted by STAR on Sun Dec 9 13:45:07 2001 (#12805)

hey thanks for reading my poem and saying its good thats really sweet of you both! love n kisses Amz xx (star/ Amy)

Re: Dani and Mego
Posted by jes on Sun Dec 9 18:02:06 2001 (#12811)

yeh hun, it's great!

blood and candy
Posted by Dawn on Tue Dec 11 02:14:38 2001 (#12832)

You captured the world inside me heart (of years ago) when I bled a lot. Thank God only come once in a while and no one dare top me now or they will be missing some body parts in the end. Thanks

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh I guess there is still rage inside me. But is it rage or have I just learned not to be a submissive victim again?

You can write a poem about that. Love and hugs... Dawn

Re: Dani and Mego
Posted by Alana on Sun Dec 16 00:16:31 2001 (#12898)

haahahaa and what is that meant to be?!? its complete shit

Re: Dani and Mego
Posted by star on Mon Dec 17 12:04:40 2001 (#12922)

oh! :( um well i guess i expected critism. I guess thanks for reading and viewing it Alana. Sorry it didnt appeal, i find writing poetry really rewarding emotionally so i guess to me they are all special in thier own ways because they get those feeelings out. Star.

Alana
Posted by star on Mon Dec 17 18:54:40 2001 (#12924)

Alana, im not going to take that personally just as a difference of opinion as something tells me you havent been yourself for a while, i hope you are ok and if you need to talk please do. God bless Amz x (star)

Re: Blood and candy (a poem)
Posted by Emma on Tue Dec 18 11:59:56 2001 (#12940)

personally..i think thats amazing baby!! I know though that everyone doesnt see things the same hunney, youve done well, dont take comments as rejection hunney, critism is good it makes you a stronger person. always yours emm xxxx

Re: Blood and candy (a poem)
Posted by star on Wed Dec 19 23:45:53 2001 (#12974)

Aww thanks hunney!! love u so much u rock! love and kisses Amz xx

Re: Blood and candy (a poem)
Posted by Riggy on Thu Dec 20 20:46:20 2001 (#12993)

I thik it's awesome... i'm an avid writer. I think that that's very good. I also write cutting poetry... i can't show it to any of my friends, so it sucks.

Re: Blood and candy (a poem)
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Dec 21 01:15:16 2001 (#12996)

now its alright that you cant show your friends...you can show all of us now...im pretty sure you new here...hmmm yeah...ha sorry...i think all of us would love to read your poetry

Re: Blood and candy (a poem)
Posted by STAR on Fri Dec 21 16:54:55 2001 (#13004)

Thanks for all the lovely comments about my poem thats so sweet and riggy i would love to see you poetry! love amz xxx(star)

Jo please read a poem for you.
Posted by star (amz) on Fri Dec 7 11:38:17 2001 (#12777)

Hi darling ive written a lil poem for you hope u like it and its not too crap i love you always Amz xxx

When i first saw you i knew i loved you you were so different and good to talk too i knew you had problems could see it in your eyes and hoped you could tell me not hide it in lies weve been through so much and i know you so well we both know secrets we will never tell

you may feel down right now but please dont cry call me ill be there to wipe each tear from your eye i never want you to need me and me not be there no matter what happens i will always care

im so proud of you and all the progress youve made you are so precious ill always be there each night i pray and thank God for you yourve made my life special by just being you.

I love you so much Amz xxxxx

Re: Jo please read a poem for you.
Posted by jes on Sun Dec 9 18:05:41 2001 (#12812)

trying sooooo hard not to cry in front of sister and my mum. i love you xxx

Re: Jo please read a poem for you.
Posted by star on Mon Dec 10 11:47:37 2001 (#12825)

AWW! sorry darling didnt mean to makeyou cry, glad you liked it love and kisses Amz xxxx

Re: Jo please read a poem for you.
Posted by Emma on Mon Dec 10 12:01:39 2001 (#12827)

Amz, thats gorgeous,it really is...u almost made me blub!! lol loveu both emm xxxxxxxx

Haha
Posted by Maggie on Sat Dec 8 00:27:48 2001 (#12781)

This morning I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime upstairs went crazy!

meds blow, and christmas blows, and families blow!
Posted by lys on Sun Dec 9 02:30:18 2001 (#12793)

okay, so go through hell to get my prescription filled, and I finally got it, and I took it last night first the first time. It is imovane, a sleeping pill. And well, I got less sleep than usual even because the meds gave me a horrible taste in my mouth and I kept on waking up and having to eat spoonfuls of icing sugar just to get it out. Even now, after dinner the next day, it is horrible. Never, NEVER again will I take that god-forsaken drug!!!! Anyways, very little sleep, high level of caffiene, lets just say I have become a bit of a drama queen today. Oh well. I am just a little messed up... Oh, and I hate Christmas. I have to go to my grandparents house for 3 days with everyone as a big "family". Everyone will be there and we will be cramped into one small house in a little hick/snob town, with people I don't even like. at least 10 of them. And I am gonna have to be a child again there, even though I am an adult at home with my own house and I don't know whether to scream or cry or both.... ARG!!!! anyways, enough ranting.... thanks for listening..... oh, wait, I have more... my school is trying to get me commited because they saw my cuts and I called my teacher a name (and over-inflated donkey scrotum... at least I am creative). So now I am always on edge and feeling like any phone call or knock could be the cops or doctors or paramedics coming to get me... I swear, I hear them and I see them and everyone says I am just paraniod but they really are trying to lock me up... but I just don't think they are really cops or doctors but just the bad people and so I am scared too because of that, because I think they wanna kill me, and what am I supposed to do about that??? so, now I am really done, and if anyone made it through that I am proud of you... take care, lys

Re: meds blow, and christmas blows, and families b
Posted by jue on Sun Dec 9 10:19:10 2001 (#12804)

hey lys.

good to hear from you...it has been awhile...in case you didn't know this board is being moved to www.psyke.org so i hope to see you there again. i also am on a sleeping pill but i won't take it because it makes me sleep constantly....i hate pills sometimes

anyways...take care julie

Re: meds blow, and christmas blows, and families b
Posted by Drew on Tue Dec 11 21:49:45 2001 (#12842)

merry christmas lys :)

........ hey what do you want from me, I'm not Mr. talk to people guy any more. laters.

thecutthatneverheals :)

this is the worst its been in years
Posted by mego on Sun Dec 9 03:51:23 2001 (#12795)

everything is so fucked up. one of my friends hasn't been at school for a while so last night i stayed at her house with some friends. this morning at 10:00 my mom called, woke me up, and told me that i was babysitting in a half hour. i told her that i had planned staying at my friends house and that i didnt want to go. she told me too bad, i was babysitting anyway and that she was on her way to get me. she was bein a bitch in the car, telling me that i never do anything around the house, blah blah blah. i called her a bitch and she freaked out. when we got home she was making up all this shit to tell my dad, saying that she was sitting outside the house for fifteen minutes, honking the horn and that she could see me inside, ignoring her, which was not true at all. well, i kinda have a bad temper so i yelled "oh my god, somebody shoot her!! are you retarded?" without really thinking, its usually something i say about people who annoy me so it wasnt really something that i thought about and said, it was just kinda a reaction. she started hitting me, i had welts all over my arm. i was scared and it made me so mad because last year i hit her back, and she promised not to ever hit me again. she has, of course, but only when shes drunk. she was sober this time. Later, i was getting ready to get in the shower and i put a cd in the little cd player in the bathroom to listen to. my dad all of a sudden started pounding on the bathroom door, screaming that he was taking a nap and i had to turn the music off. i was still frustrated about earlier, i was havin a bad day as it was, and i told him that i'd turn it down but i didnt want to turn it off. he freaked out, and grabbed my cd's and the cd player. he brought them into his room, threatening to break them if i didnt shut up (of course, being the smartass i am i was yelling at him). he slammed his door and i pounded on it with my hands, telling him that i wouldn't listen to the music and to give them back to me. he whipped his door open and knocked me on the floor. he was on top of me and i kept trying to hit and kick him but he grabbed my arms and pinned them under his knees. he kept screaming "i'm going to fucking kill you! i'm going to kill you, you have no idea how bad i'm going to hurt you!" i freaked out and started screaming until my mom came upstairs. she was like "al, get off of her!" and he just kept screaming "get outta here, i'm going to fucking kill her. i'm going to kill you megan!" he had all of his weight (like, 200 pounds) on one of his knees and was crushing my arm, it hurt so bad, i couldn't even think. i just panicked. i didnt think that my mom was going to say anything, she just kinda stood there, watching to see what he was going to do. i started screaming because of my arm and yelling at my mom to make him get off. finally she was just like "al, get off" he stood up and i kinda rolled into a ball and covered my head with my arms while he kicked my back a few times. my mom was like, "megan, go to your room" so i crawled in there and closed my door. i sat in there, trying to breathe. i couldn't get up to get my inhaler, i was shaking so bad i couldnt even stand up. i was so scared that he was going to go after me again. so now i'm grounded, i had plans tonight and nell called to see when tim should pick me up. i told her what happened and she was yelling for tim to come get me, but i told her no, that it would only make things worse. i dont want to be here at all, i am so scared. my mom didnt care that my dad was going to hurt me, she didnt yell at him, nothing. they have my little brother against me too. hes treating me like shit, like he's all better than me. i asked why the hell he's being a dick too and he said "cause you were fighting with mom and dad". oh my god, i cant live like this! i want to go stay with nell and tim so bad but i am too afraid of what will happen to me if i leave. what should i do? my mom will just lie and say i'm making too big of a deal out of it, she would never let me live with them. this time i was smart enough to get the welts on video so when she says she doesnt hit me i can have something to show her that, yeah, she does. i couldnt go to court or anything with it. i am just so afraid of what will happen if i stay here. when i was in my room, right after my dad attacked me, i could hear my mom downstairs laughing her ass off about something. i hate it here. i dont know what i am going to do. nobody cares about me in this house. god, what should i do? someone help me.

Re: this is the worst its been in years
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Sun Dec 9 04:16:57 2001 (#12799)

get out of there!! right now, who cares what your parents think or do, dont tell them where you are going, and if they find out and come after you at least you will have people there to protect you and see what they are doing to you, and then go to the police. you cant go on living like this, it isnt healthy for you, you need to get away from there

Re: this is the worst its been in years
Posted by star on Sun Dec 9 13:52:17 2001 (#12806)

Sweetie you gotta get away i cant see the keyboard through tears after reading this go with these people you were talking about go anywhere get away fro this shit you dont need it, is there any where you can go like a shelter or whatever? if uyou cant go with these friends but if u can please go and now you cant do this anymore, i cant beleiev youve putup with it so long if you ever need to talk please mail me or whatever im always here for you. Take care and God bless Love Star xxx (Amz)

Re: this is the worst its been in years
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Dec 9 16:18:34 2001 (#12809)

Oh please, get the hell out of there somehow. Man, this is when I wish I was there in person to come and get you and take you home with me. PARENTS HAVE NO RIGHTS TO BEAT THEIR KIDS AND SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO THEM!!!!!!!! That kind of behavior just pisses me off big time. And Mego, that is abuse. You can get help, but it would be your word against theirs unless you take pictures of the marks on your body and secertly record the language. You've got to try and get some help cause it probably will happen again. And if it was my little brother, I personally would have just smacked him but good. Sorry, shouldn't have said that. I'm a little mad right now. Please let me know how you are doing. And consider calling the police or your states Human services. They're taking child abuse very seriously these days, at least here in Oklahoma. Take care and be careful, write me if you need to. Love ya, Rhonda

Re: this is the worst its been in years
Posted by Mandi on Wed Dec 12 03:21:13 2001 (#12850)

I was abused as a child, and I got out. You can too. I know how frightening it is, especially because you never know where you'd end up, but it's not something anyone should have to live with. You really may want to tell someone. You don't want to deal with this any longer than you have to.

who is necrosis?
Posted by mego on Sun Dec 9 04:09:18 2001 (#12798)

everyone was talking about necrosis. who is he?

Re: who is necrosis?
Posted by '''''''''''''''' on Sun Dec 9 04:26:50 2001 (#12801)

an ugly being

Re: who is necrosis?
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Sun Dec 9 05:37:08 2001 (#12802)

there we go with the no namers again

Re: who is necrosis?
Posted by ant spirit on Mon Dec 10 04:15:04 2001 (#12820)

Necrosis is one of the most caring, understanding, funny, odd (thats a good thing!) people I have ever known. I miss his rambles. I miss him. xxx

Re: who is necrosis?
Posted by mego on Mon Dec 10 04:16:32 2001 (#12821)

from what other people say, hes an asshole. from what you say he sounds awesome, someone i'd like to meet.

Re: who is necrosis?
Posted by ant spirit on Mon Dec 10 04:22:33 2001 (#12822)

he is awesome. I love him to bits. I fucked it up though. How are you doing?

Re: who is necrosis?
Posted by mego on Mon Dec 10 22:37:56 2001 (#12831)

shitty, thanks. and how are you? sorry, just not in the best mood right now

what i know
Posted by mego on Sun Dec 9 04:21:54 2001 (#12800)

after all that happened tonight, i am sitting here, listening to drown by smashing pumpkins and i feel like i am going to cry, but i'm not, and i still want tim to come pick me up, but i know he cant. i want to run away, but i wont and i want to understand everything that is going on, but i never will. i know all of this, but still i have no idea what is going to happen when my parents come home, when the music stops playing. i am afraid of them, i have always been afraid of my dad, but my mom has always been there to care for me and to stop him from hurting me. now she doesnt care either. i dont have anything in the world. the last thing i know is that i want to kill myself, but that i am too much of a coward to get it over with because that will mean the end of everything, and i am not ready for that yet.

Re: what i know
Posted by star on Sun Dec 9 13:59:00 2001 (#12807)

Sweetie, i know what your going through at leasta little when my mum was with my brothers biological dad he used to beat her up all the time and me and my sis would cower in the corner hoping not to be next, i never was she was sometimes and i can understand your fear, you do need to get out of this place before it does you some real damage and i know its your family etc and some people may disagree with me but i think you have to go away from them all, can this tim pick you up? ask him im sure if he knew whats happening and its full extent he could get there some how or someone else, please take care and know you are strong no matter how weak they make you feel, i know you are. take care God bless Star xxxx (amz ) the offer still stands if you need me please mail or call or whatever when ever 07960985817 (i dunno if this helps and you may think this is being silly buts its my mob..just in case.)

Re: what i know
Posted by Emma on Tue Dec 11 15:08:08 2001 (#12840)

hi babe, dont worry i know that sounds stupid when its obvious you will be now hunni. You are strong, we all are when we discover it. Please Take Care Love Emm xx p.s i'm Amy (star's)sister xx

back to rant again....
Posted by lys on Sun Dec 9 05:41:38 2001 (#12803)

well, I am with my little sisters, and I just took them to the mall and back. I can't believe I am such a bad person. I was freaking out, over-reacting about everything, like holding hands, always being able to see them, and so on. I was so scared about everything. I actually said to one of them that the bad men were coming, and we always had to be careful.... They are 8 and 9, and I wouldn't let them cross a driveway without holding my hands. I can't believe I get like that. I need help, I really do. I don't know what is wrong with me that I would tell my youngest sister that someone (who no one even believes exists when I say it) is trying to steal me or her and kill us. I am scaring myself. I haven't done that in a while. sorry for another rant tonight, I just needed to say it.... take care, lyssie

Re: back to rant again....
Posted by star on Sun Dec 9 14:01:33 2001 (#12808)

You are not being silly sweetie if you have thoughts of this sorta danger then i think anyone would want to protect those they love, take care of yourself if you need to talk please mail me. God bless Star xxx

Re: back to rant again....
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Tue Dec 11 21:54:38 2001 (#12843)

I'd have to agree with star on that one babe. maybe you should jeck your meds though, see if paronia is a side effect, if so get better meds!.... any-who, merry christmass :) laters.

Drew :)

To those who instigate...when it was SAFE to post.
Posted by Nuni and Maggie on Sun Dec 9 22:20:55 2001 (#12815)

We started posting here in September 2000, when there were only 100 or so posts. Over the last year we've seen this board develop from a safe and comforting haven where we'd come to get things off our chests without fear of judgement, to where any innocent word could be critisized. We should all know better about judging others and the effects of slagging others off, especially those as vulnerable as we have all been at some stage. It's okay to be honest but we don't have to be hurtful. If you have a personal problem with someone here, don't try influence everybody elses opinions, as each of us have the right to be accepted. We hope what happened here wont carry over to the new board. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hugs to all, Us.

Re: To those who instigate...when it was SAFE to p
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Mon Dec 10 01:39:36 2001 (#12818)

right on.

Re: To those who instigate...when it was SAFE to p
Posted by KAT on Mon Dec 10 04:54:01 2001 (#12823)

I liked that. well said.. your right I dunno I dont mind all the people here, but it does get more complicated to say what you really feel when you have the chance for someone to rip your words apart and use them against you.
:) KAT

Re: To those who instigate...when it was SAFE to p
Posted by Emma on Tue Dec 11 15:14:57 2001 (#12841)

Definalty!!i agree with you all, i havent been coming here for long but i know that its alot nicer to see people supporting and helping each other than putting others down. i mean thats what everyones here for! Love and Hugs Emm xxxx

To those who instigate...when it was SAFE to post.
Posted by Nuni and Maggie on Sun Dec 9 22:20:56 2001 (#12816)

We started posting here in September 2000, when there were only 100 or so posts. Over the last year we've seen this board develop from a safe and comforting haven where we'd come to get things off our chests without fear of judgement, to where any innocent word could be critisized. We should all know better about judging others and the effects of slagging others off, especially those as vulnerable as we have all been at some stage. It's okay to be honest but we don't have to be hurtful. If you have a personal problem with someone here, don't try influence everybody elses opinions, as each of us have the right to be accepted. We hope what happened here wont carry over to the new board. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hugs to all, Us.

guess what...
Posted by jen on Mon Dec 10 00:55:29 2001 (#12817)

guess what?, it is my favorite holiday today can anyone guess? no it isn't x-mas although i still get presents for that, it is Hanukah i cannot wait for my present i hope so holidayz make me a wreck i get really depressed well g2g sincerly, jen

damn
Posted by mego on Mon Dec 10 04:14:05 2001 (#12819)

everything is so damn confusing right now. i told my mom that i hate living here and she told me to pack my shit, that she's finding a place for me to live tomorrow. i have most of what i own packed in boxes right now. if she finds out that i am at tim's and nell's or if i dont come home tomorrow, she's calling the police. tims paranoid anyway cause a lot of his friends have been caught with shit, hes trying to get everything (bongs, pipes, weed) outta his house, so thats the last thing he needs. my mom has had a few drinks so now she's being all nice to me about everything. earlier she told me she knew that i still cut and i need to stop the bullshit because everyone has problems and i'm making her feel bad for it. if she feels so bad, she should stop reading the shit i write. its not that difficult. whatever, though. i just want to be gone. i dont know if she'll really let me leave or anything. i dont want to go to school tomorrow and have everyone ask me whats wrong and what happened cause i will just start bawling my eyes out if i try to tell what happened. i wish i could leave, i just dont need all that shit with the police and everything... i just want to be gone. but she's been awesome since shes had a few drinks and it makes me not want to leave. everything is so confusing. oh my god, this sucks!!! she wont tell me where i'd go and stay, i dont know if i would go do a different school or leave my friends or what. i keep wondering if this is a big joke to get my hopes up and tomorrow she's going to tell me that i cant leave. then tim told nell that he loves me and he wants me to live with them and all this shit so thats confusing the hell outta me. god, this sucks. this cant be my life, this shit shouldnt happen off of tv. god...

Re: damn
Posted by jes on Mon Dec 10 14:02:36 2001 (#12828)

hey, i hope everything goes ok for you, i'm sure that one way or another things will get better. take care, becareful and e-mail me whenever you want. xxx

If you haven't seen it watch it! !
Posted by Jenny on Mon Dec 10 16:21:53 2001 (#12829)

You have to watch hollyoaks tonight its on channel 4 at 630coz her mum finds out. It is qute a good story line and I love it. Its one of those things you get addicted to watching shes called lisa and her brother is lee.

WATCH IT!

it may be triggering, im gona try not to cut but its real hard

Re: If you haven't seen it watch it! !
Posted by jes on Tue Dec 11 13:20:16 2001 (#12839)

i've been watching that too, it's a brilliant storyline and i'm glad that some one is finally recognising that this is something that needs to be dealt with. watch it!!!! xxx

today..rantin
Posted by diana on Tue Dec 11 03:59:40 2001 (#12834)

..today my mom asked me if i smoke. i told her i do it occassionally n she threatened to kick me out of the house again.-i honestly don't care cause me n my dad want to leave her. i am the person that she wants me to be, i even dress the way she tells me to, like a prep so that our "image" is good.what the hell? so i scared her n told her to sleep w. one eye open. lol anyway, tonight i cut the word FAT into my upper arm and i don't know whats coming over me lately- i haven't cut in 2 weeks before this. im 5'5 and 117lbs. n i think im fat. sorry for the rant.. hadda get this crap out

Re: today..rantin
Posted by star on Mon Dec 17 19:37:00 2001 (#12926)

Babe, i dont know what to say if you need to talk im here love and prayers Amz xx

more confusion
Posted by mego on Tue Dec 11 04:48:04 2001 (#12835)

things are so crazy. my mom was supposed to decide whether or not i would keep living at home and give me her decision today. she hasn't said anything at all about it. my boxes are still packed in my room, everything is ready for me to leave. but she just acts like everything is "normal" whatever the hell that means. i had just gotten done crying and tim saw me in between classes. he just pulled me aside and said "hey babe" and put his arms around me. i put my head on his shoulder we stood like that for a couple seconds until i was afraid i would start crying again and pulled away. he told me that he wished i could stay with him and i agreed with him and i wish we could have talked more but we didnt have enough time before our next classes. i love him so much cause he's been there for me through a lot of shit that his sister (who is, or maybe was, my best friend) didn't even stop to notice. but i hate him for making me want to be around him so much and for holding me like he did today and like he has before cause i need it more than anything and i can't get involved with him. god, this is making things so much crazier. i have a test tomorrow, a major paper due, and i have to read a few chapters in some stupid novel and i haven't even started on anything. i'm thinking of just blowing it off, but that will be just one more thing for my mom to bitch about. i have a cigarette in my room and more than anything i want to smoke it right now, if only my mom would just go to sleep! well, enough bitching, if someone can give me some advise on any of this shit, please help out. i can't handle this on my own right now. thanks. mego

adding to my confusion
Posted by mego on Tue Dec 11 05:01:07 2001 (#12837)

forgot this part with the rest of my bitching. i was up till 1:30 am cause I cant sleep without cutting myself, it's my only way of relaxing enough to sleep without taking any pills or smoking pot, and i'm sick of using that as a way of sleeping, i never sleep good enough that way. anyway, i had cut myself up pretty bad from over the weekend and all the shit that happened then, i even cut my arm because i ran out of room on my stomach, where i have always cut (its a good place, underneath my underwear line so nobody sees)so i didnt want to cut anymore, i am constantly afraid that people will start finding out. anyway, at 1:30 i finally gave in and cut myself, as soon as i layed back down in bed i fell asleep, within seconds, i mean. is there anyone else who needs to cut to sleep and does anyone know how to sleep without cutting? thanks mego

necrosis
Posted by mego on Tue Dec 11 05:14:21 2001 (#12838)

will someone give me this guy's e-mail address cause although a lot of you say that he's an asshole, i was reading his posts and he doesnt sound that bad. a lot of things he wrote made some sense.

look ma! I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!
Posted by Drew on Tue Dec 11 22:18:10 2001 (#12844)

hey ppl. this isn't really a SI thing.... well I gess it is in way, if you think sticking a neadle in your arm and pumping your vains full of poison is self injury... than yes, my answer would deffinitly have to be yes. this is a SI thing after all. ok then, on with the story. so I have this friend that lives right by my hgouse and we're soooo close, he's more like a brother to me well he was totally screwed over by this chick he loved, she really chewed him up and spit him out. so of course he goes on anti-depressants and the useual drug binge and drinks for the next few days. no biggie. but for the last while he got addicted to smack (Herion) and was a cumpleat fucking mess. I mean he had pretty much lost it, he's near genius I.Q. and still young but every time I saw him he was junked out, forgeting words,places, his way home... just screwed up. Any-who the other day I grabed all of his closest friends we all went to his house to save him before he ended up dead with a neadle in his arm. so nat. we ended up drunk (we were all there, why not?) but any-who many drunken slures and slaps to the face we finally made him realise he was hurting everyone he cared about and promissed us he would quit. Fucken awsome!. that was probably the best nite I've ever had, some how a grave got knocked over...???... I feel really bad about that, wasn't me. but yeah, I helped my best friend get off H (he's still clean, having cold chills but still clean.) all my shoppings done and I've been cut free for like 8 months or more now. I just feel like I'm King of the world! I've never felt beter or more free in my life and if any of you are having trouble getting a freind off something I suggest get em so drunk that they're crying and slap em really hard every time they mention that they need (smak or rocks or whatever) it sounds really harsh but he's thanked me so meny times.

An-who really sorry bout that long ass post. laters.

thecutthatneverheals :)

Re: look ma! I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Dec 12 00:13:30 2001 (#12845)

congrats on not cutting for 8 months...wish i could say the same...i know about the whole getting drunk thinger...it really does help, so many of my friends have confronted my problems while i was drunk or "high" off cold pills...well just wanted to say that stuff...good luck with everything

Re: look ma! I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!
Posted by Emma on Wed Dec 12 12:31:33 2001 (#12854)

thats great babe!!wow, thats really cool. Especially the helping your friend,thats really great of you (((hugs))). and the cutting, wow! 8 months!thats amazing hunney! I managed about 4 months then i kinda fucked it up one day last week,but hopefully i can get back on track. Love and HUgs Emm xxxxxxxx

Re: look ma! I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!
Posted by shingo on Wed Dec 12 02:21:54 2001 (#12847)

I've lost too many friends to heroin. It's a really tough drug to kick. I've held friends while they had "kick" seizures, chills, and just cried their eyes out.

I hope you're friend is done with it, but don't think that he's outta the woods, by any means.

You're a good friend to not just give up on him, like so many people do to people on smack. It's a very stigmatizing drug.

Best of luck.

--shin

Re: look ma! I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!
Posted by mego on Wed Dec 12 04:25:51 2001 (#12852)

thanks, i am going to start usin that on one of my friends if she doesnt straighten out. thats awesome, everything working out for you. i hope everything stays good.

ARRRGGGGHHHH
Posted by *me* on Wed Dec 12 01:35:29 2001 (#12846)

I'M BLOCKED FROM THE FREAKING OTHER SITE NOW!!!! I USED TO AT LEAST BE ABLE TO GET ONTO THE MESSAGE BOARD!! ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH HHHH!!!!! I'm so sick of life. Nothing goes right, not that it matters, bc we all die in the end. Stupid.

Re: ARRRGGGGHHHH
Posted by mego on Wed Dec 12 04:29:52 2001 (#12853)

a kid who sits by me in one of my classes, kamille, said something like that to me the yesterday. he said he had a rough weekend and i answered that i did too. he laughed and said "yeah, lifes a bitch, then you die" we were both cracking up over it, it wasn't even funny but we actually understood each other. i think a lot of people feel that way, just nobody says it.

Re: ARRRGGGGHHHH
Posted by jue on Thu Dec 13 11:38:22 2001 (#12869)

*me*

that's awful and i feel really terrible for you...hopefully morten wulff will get something worked out. in the meantime though e-mail me if you ever want to just rant or whatever.

take care...big hugs:) ---julie

Re: ARRRGGGGHHHH
Posted by *me* on Thu Dec 13 23:05:25 2001 (#12876)

Hey! Well, last time I was on I was able to get on the new board. I haven't tried yet today. Apparently it is randomly blocked on different days. Just pray I'm never infinitely blocked from it! Ahhh crappy day...but almost winter break...wish it would hurry up. Thank you both for plying!

re:no help
Posted by Emma on Wed Dec 12 12:50:17 2001 (#12856)

sorry this is probably a bit of an old subject, i was just flicking through the boards and i wanted to reply to 'no help'

I know what you mean hun. If my sister finds out i used to just giggle or mumble cat because i was so embarrased about how she'd think of me. Shes great, dont get me wrong and really supportive but she doesnt understand, she doesnt believe i'm a real *cutter* whatever that means?? she thinks i dont have problems and that if i do i know other ways to deal with them and i dont at the minute, i cant let it all build up, feels like i'm gonna explode. She thinks i only do it cos my best friend does and that i want attention,i dont want attention if i had it my way no-one would ever see my cuts, EVER! i only have to look at my scars (which arent bad) and i feel sick i really do.I wish i could help her understand that i'm not disgusting,i'm not attention seeking i just need to find a way to get out feelings. I've started writing poetry and songs which really help,get things out. I'm sorry, rant over now.. love emm xxxxxx

Just stop
Posted by Jenny on Wed Dec 12 20:44:39 2001 (#12857)

I can't stand it no more. Ive just been told today that I have a really bad case of depression! Y doesnt it all just go away? theres nothing I can do about it and its killing me, litterally. there is no reason why I am feeling like this but i wont stop. I keeep crying for no reason I wish there was one so then people will realise I do feel like shit

Re: Just stop
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Dec 12 23:57:40 2001 (#12859)

Jenny, There can be no reason at all for depression, cause it's a chemical imbalance in your brain. It's not anything you caused. Maybe if you start taking meds for the depression, it will straighten out the chemical stuff and you'll start feeling better. I know it can make you feel really shitty cause it did Tara. Oh well, I believe you hon. I hope you get to feeling better soon. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Just stop
Posted by jennie on Fri Dec 21 02:13:03 2001 (#13001)

I was diagnosed with depression 3 months ago. Now im on prozac but i cant deal with any problems, if i fall out with someone i can only get through it by cutting..... its a hard habit to break i have done it for 12 years but had periods of years with none. x x

i just started cuttin again!!!
Posted by jen on Wed Dec 12 21:55:20 2001 (#12858)

i just started cuttin again... i have 82 of them i need help and don't know where to get it!

am i a self injurer
Posted by jess on Thu Dec 13 00:38:40 2001 (#12860)

i seriously don't know...i took a pin and put it through the top layer of my skin on my thighs and my hand and my foot. i did this for a week in a half because at first it was just "for fun" but then it made me feel less depressed but later more depressed so i tried to stop. i threw my pin in to my closet so i wouldn't find it...but the next day i was so depressed i went into the bathroom at school and sratched at my thighs. i never make my self bleed but it sure leaves and ugly mark...am i a self injurer or a drama queen?

Re: am i a self injurer
Posted by Alana on Thu Dec 13 04:12:59 2001 (#12863)

It could be a combination of both...but all self injurers are looking for drama...craving drama....or create drama subconsciencly. Drama keeps us alive, SI keeps us alive. Drama and SI go hand in hand...but thats just my very stupid opinion.

Sorry to hear you found SI.

Love, Alana

necrosis....
Posted by Alana on Thu Dec 13 00:59:42 2001 (#12861)

FUCKNUT!!! Ofcourse it was me who was talking shit about you (well one of them anyways....it appears others don't like you either) What the fuck did you expect? A nice pretty little response from me about how you are such a great person when you really aren't, nope not even close. No No, I'm not going to lie to all these people about what a shitface you really are. I figured if others could noname on this board when insulting than so could I. Enjoy your stupid little life.

Yours not so truly, '''''''

Alana
Posted by ant spirit on Thu Dec 13 05:40:34 2001 (#12864)

Alana grow up and stop being such a bitch. What is this achieving? He knows what you think, you've said it enough to him in various ways. All this is proving is your own immaturity and quite honestly there is no need for you to drag everyone into this here. Things were said, things happen....learn to let go. And as you know, I find it hard too and yes, I've had my moments of anger towards him about it and yes, we have bitched about him together. Because I was hurt and I was angry and most of all I was angry at myself not him. BUT, its easy to be angry with someone and easier to let that show than the sadness & admit that you miss someone so much it hurts. I don't mean to have a go at you here. Just saying maybe leave the past where it is as far as this is concerned.

xxx

Re: Alana
Posted by Nuni on Fri Dec 14 02:59:57 2001 (#12881)

Screeeeeeeeeech, this is precisely what we were talking about before. Just because youhave bad feelings about someone, it doesnt mean that you can offend and insult. What are you trying to accomplish by saying horrible things about necrosis? He's nice. (I've heard) I don't think you are going to influence anyone's feelings or opinions of him by writign rotten things about him. I think all you are accomplishing is influencing others to disapprove of you. There, in one paragraph I managed to be like you by giving you my unsolicited opinion. Nuni

Re: Alana
Posted by Maggie on Fri Dec 14 09:49:50 2001 (#12887)

You go girl! (Nuni that is, not Alana).

Alana, I don't think you are a horrible person, and at times you have given really nice and thoughtful advice to people on this board...including me. But I've noticed lately that for some reason you're finding it difficult to display common courtesy to members of this board who come here to escape the critisism and judgements of other people. You obviously have grudges with Necrosis, and whatever they may be...frankly I don't care. I also don't care if you think he's a fucknut or shithead or whatever you think of him... some of us here like to form our own opinions and by slagging him off publicly you are only making yourself more unpopular here. You constantly go on about maturity...why don't you start practising some. For your own sake and for the tranquility of this board, please keep slander OFF THE BOARD.

No offense to you is intended...I'm just being honest, something you have also asked of us, many a time.

Luv and hugs anyway. Maggie.

thank you
Posted by Alana on Sat Dec 15 05:47:38 2001 (#12894)

Honest to God, thank you to each of you for the constructive criticism. It helps me out alot.

Thanks again.

Alana

I cut...
Posted by Mel on Thu Dec 13 03:49:16 2001 (#12862)

i have been a cutter since April of this year and have found it a very relaxing thing to do. i love the blood and the pain and i just need it sometimes to actually remind myself i'm alive because sometimes i feel dead. its a way for me to leave this horrible place and to feel pain that i can actually know what to do about it. now thought that my mother knows, its harder to cut, but hey. ive been hiding my cuts since recently and i can do it still now.

Re: I cut...
Posted by Angela on Fri Dec 14 06:46:41 2001 (#12885)

i've cut for over 4yrs..off and on. My parents found out back then..but they dont think I do it anymore. Yesh, it is kinda easy to hide the cuts. stupid parents realize they dont actually help when they bitch about it..

The Original read this nuni
Posted by Ang on Thu Dec 13 06:17:11 2001 (#12865)

hay my name is Ang i have been chekin in on y'all for a while nmow i started chating in here sept of 2000 also i find it amazing how this room has changed. iyt was a place t feel sucure not to worship cuting we helped one another we cared one of my best friends i met on her he is in boot in the army now but doing so much better and so am i u all need to be more supportive of oneanother not distructive and nuni i just wanted to say whas up girl ~Ang~

Re: The Original read this nuni
Posted by jue on Thu Dec 13 11:25:55 2001 (#12868)

you might want to go to www.psyke.org this board is kind of in the process of moving. i saw Nuni there not too long ago.

Re: The Original read this nuni
Posted by Nuni on Thu Dec 13 19:47:21 2001 (#12871)

Hi, It has been a long time. I also look in on psyke.org every now and then. Laura is back too. Maggie and I met in person, she is staying with us throughout the Holidays. Write us, we would love to hear from you. I hope you are doing ok.. Nuni

Re: The Original read this nuni
Posted by Ang on Sun Dec 16 04:32:23 2001 (#12902)

hay whast the deal withthe board moving? anywasy i'm doing good nuni yea i saw that laura was back thast good that u met maggie u too probly do one another good i'm almost 5 monthsd cut free!!!!! AMAZING HUH? colin and i talk all the time now he is amzingly happy i'll e-mail u all soon hugs anbd kisses Ang

Survivor of Cutting!
Posted by LIZ on Thu Dec 13 09:23:55 2001 (#12867)

I totally understand how it feels to be a cutter. I was a cutter for three yrs. and 7 mos. I know how it is to hide it from others, and I know how it feels when the word gets out. But there is hope! I would like to talk to anyone who would like to talk to about cutting, we can share stories, etc. I can say that I have survived my cutting experience. But, I still struggle with this everyday. I am only 18yrs old and a freshmen in college... I spent majority of my high school life cutting. Now I am able to enjoy life a little better, but when things get rough cutting is the first thing that comes to my mind. I try to think rationally but it always manages to be first on my list of resolutions because it made me feel so much better. I could release all of my feelings with one quick swipe. But, now I am just grateful for each day that goes by that I don't cut. But, I would like to share and here your stories, it will help us both feel like we are not alone. I hope to hear from someone soon!

Re: Survivor of Cutting!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Dec 14 00:51:23 2001 (#12879)

Congradulations(?) on surviving cutting. I'm praying that before long,my daughter can say she has survived also. I know that you will still struggle with the feelings but I wish you luck and will pray for you. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Should I tell?
Posted by Sahara on Thu Dec 13 18:57:59 2001 (#12870)

Hi. I'm new to this board and I need some advice. I'm almost 27 and have been cutting off and on since I was 12.Sometimes everyday, sometimes once a month, sometimes not for a long time. Depends on how my emotional state of mind is at the time.

Last year I was raped at college by someone I trusted. It happened more than once. He would tell me that he was going to tell my husband I was having an affair with him if I didn't let him do it to me. It happened four times. Because I had been friends with him,he knew my biggest fear was my husband to leave me. I have a big fear of abandonment from people I love the most. So he used that against me to get what he wanted. It started in late April and ended in May when he graduated.

I had gone a very long time without cutting until then. Since, I have been cutting more and more and more. I feel like I need to be punished for allowing him to do this to me. That is was my fault because I didn't know how to stop him.Cutting is the only way I have found to stop my emotional pain,if even for a few moments.

I started therapy a few months ago,and have just now told my head doc about the rape this week.But I didn't tell her everything.I just told her that it happened one time. I mean, what kind of girl lets it happen 4 times? I don't think she would understand that I was trapped by his threats to tell my husband. My husband is not a very understand person,and I was so scared that he would believe him and leave me.

I don't know how to deal with this now. I don't know if I should tell her everything. I fear that she won't believe me and think I am crazy.I'm not even sure she believes me now when I told her baout ths first time because I didn't cry. I don't cry. Cutting takes the place of crying. I just feel numbness instead of emotions now.

Should I tell her everything and see if she can help me stop cutting, or should I keep what really happened a secret. She already knows I cut, but she doesn't know I cut as much as I do.Does anyone have any answers?

Re: Should I tell?
Posted by jue on Thu Dec 13 21:02:14 2001 (#12872)

Sahara

i certainly don't have the answers...i don't know you or anything, but i certainly feel empathy for you and care about you after reading your one post here. i would like you to email me if you want. also you can go to www.psyke.org that is where i normally post as it is where this board is being moved to.

so i personally think you should the head doc about your whole situation. especially if you can't talk to your husband. i think that as much support as possible is important. i have learned and i don't know if this will apply to you but it certainly did for me, that if you hold things back from the only person you trust.. your therapist here.. that you will not get anywhere in counselling. that was true for me anyway. i played too many games and held too much back. but if you don't trust her find someone else. she isn't there to judge you and i am sure she will believe you because i know that feeling that you think the counsellor thinks you are making things up, but they never do and if you get that feeling find someone else as that one is not worth your while.

i guess just be careful with yourself and remember that it wasn't your fault.

take care...julie

Re: Should I tell?
Posted by Marie on Thu Dec 13 22:02:51 2001 (#12873)

I know what it's like to have those horrible fears of abandonment, but honey - take it from someone who knows - if your husband choses not to believe you, and talks about leaving you, you should leave him. Deep inside every woman there is a strength unlike any other and you have to believe in you. You have to take your life back and do whatever it takes to survive. Right now cutting is a coping mechanism.. and I know how hard it can be to stop (it's been 3 months so far since I cut last) but find that inner strength... tell your husband the truth, don't let this bastard talk you into submission. You are your own woman. YOU CAN DO THIS!! I wish you luck hon... feel free to e-mal me...

Re: Should I tell?
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Dec 13 22:27:20 2001 (#12875)

what that man did to you was not your fault at all, he knew what you feared the most and used it agaist you...you need to tell someone everything that happened, it really does help to just let everything out. in my case the more stuff i hold in the more i cut. try and talk to your husband...bring it up slowly...if he loves you he will try and understand...i wish you the best of luck with everything!

Re: Should I tell?
Posted by CryingRedTears on Thu Dec 13 23:21:41 2001 (#12877)

when i read your post i couldn't believe it. it sounded so much like me, even though i am only 16 (almost 17! woo, i got through another year!) and have never been married. i too was raped, although my rape took place when i was 12. the man that raped me was friend of the family whom i trusted and whom my entire family trusted, to the point that he was in the will of by grandmother. but this man took advantage of me, telling me that if i told anyone they would blame me and i would be sent away. so i didn't tell anyone and he raped me about once a week for six months.(that's more than four times:)...but it is not your fault that he did this or that it happened four times. i'm sure that if you felt secure enough, you would've said something.

but i started cutting not long after that because i didn't want to tell anyone. i thought that they would all hate me and that's not the case at all. the ones that i have told (my big brother and my dad) have been really supportive and gotten me the help i need. that's not to say that i don't cut anymore, b/c i do, but i have come to realize that it wasn't my fault, just like it wasn't yours. that bastard took advantage of you and there was nothing that you could do b/c you weren't in a mental state to deal with it.

as far as the cutting, you do what you feel you need to in order to stay alive.

i do however think that you should tell your husband. if he loves you at all, he will understand and support you no matter what. i also think you should tell your therp. if you aren't honest with your therp, then going to her is completely pointless. if she is a good therp then she will understand and help you through it. if she judges you, then find someone else that you do trust. that's the point of therapy.

if you ever need to talk or want someone to rant to, i'm here---my aol is IBchick305, but i use the email above more often. much love and luck-

you have just experienced a mind dribble by: brittany

Re: Should I tell?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Dec 14 00:58:56 2001 (#12880)

Sahara, I really think you should tell your therapist. If you have one you really trust, she or he will believe you and work with you on your feelings. You should at some time also tell your husband. You made a comment about how this could happen 4 times and people believing you. If you don't tell the ones you love, this bastard will continue to control you, even though he's not around. If your husband loves you, he will help you. I'm sure he will be mad, but only at the fact that something happened to you. Please talk to your therapist and they may be able to help you explain this to your husband. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: Should I tell?
Posted by sara on Sat Dec 15 01:51:51 2001 (#12892)

hi, my name is sara. and yes, i do think that you should tell. i had to tell my therapist about my thing, well when i was 7 and i lived in texas, i had a nanny who has since been charged with 7 counts of "secondary caregiver sexual abuse." i was the first, she had been my nanny since i was born and bad things always happened but i never understood until a few years ago. i decided to tell my therapist a few months ago and she helped me do some reasearch and we found out about the charges. i didn't tell my parents when i was little b/c i was afriad of my parents...but yes, you should tell your therapist. it will be hard, but you have to, for you

sara

p.s. email ime anytime if ya want :-)

returns
Posted by lost on Thu Dec 13 22:26:17 2001 (#12874)

i have returned to the board... dunno for how long though... was in a damned mental ward and now i don't have access to a comp... i'm on at a school comp... see yas soon i hope...

Re: returns
Posted by jue on Fri Dec 14 00:35:05 2001 (#12878)

hey...i don't know if you remember me but i remember when you used to post here. this board is being moved to www.psyke.org so most people you probably recognize are there.

take care...julie

Re: returns
Posted by elle on Sun Dec 16 01:20:34 2001 (#12900)

i love you and i missed you

Re: returns
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sun Dec 16 21:10:34 2001 (#12907)

welcome back lost.

Drew :)

i'm not leaving
Posted by mego on Fri Dec 14 05:05:32 2001 (#12882)

i've decided not to move out. i haven't talked to my dad since that one night, my mom has been... different. in both good and bad ways but i wont get into that. my friends have been so supportive of me about all of this shit goin on with my family. i love them so much. i dont really know whats goin on with tim, hes confusing me but i didn't talk to him much today except when he told me that he might be held back. i told him to write to me and his whole note was making sure that i was okay, none of it even mentioned him and everything thats happening with school and shit. it was weird, i knew he cared about me but hes got his own problems that he needs to worry about, he doesnt need to worry about me. i always get everything worked out in the end. im getting a headache thinking about it. i'm talking to an old friend through instant message shit and i miss him so much. we used to be pretty damn close, i hardly talk to him at all this year. i saw him today and i freaked out, he's gotten so much taller. he came up behind me and gave me a huge hug, it was nice, but when we got to talking, things are different between us. everyone is changing, theres no one left thats real... puddle of mudd. rock on! shit, i have 2 tests tomorrow, finals are coming up. too much stress. but i haven't cut since tuesday or wednesday. so thats a few days. its not great, but its a start at least. just thought maybe some of you wanted to know what i decided, about where i'm living and everything. just got a little off track. i luv you guys! mego

Re: i'm not leaving
Posted by star on Fri Dec 14 21:50:37 2001 (#12890)

hey take care yeah and if you need to talk then you know where i am im always here for you. Amz xxx (star)

Re: i'm not leaving
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Dec 15 01:24:23 2001 (#12891)

Honey, I'll support you in whatever you decide to do. I hope everything works out for you. Take care. Love, Rhonda

just words
Posted by gin on Fri Dec 14 13:05:55 2001 (#12888)

writing helps me sometimes release all the crap in my head that i dont know what to do with---Wasted time, deluded with salty tears. Why are you here? Why can i not be left alone in the mediocre solitude of which we are entitled? We sit there alone awaiting the approach of something, anything to pull us up ashore. Almost reluctant to take the wrinkled and wise hand and come up from the depths, for there is comfort here. Muffle the clamor forget about you errands--maim your fingers--lie lifeless--end your days but at least there’s silence, at least you won’t be forced to deal with the simple reality of it all, no matter how big or small--all the while knowing that the deeper you go you may never be able to reach the surface, combat the tide and come up for air. And even if you make it, is it only a matter of time before you begin to crave that beautiful suffocation? The bars depress down on me and my rope begins to fringe. Could the last thread pop? I don’t know. Leaning over a ledge, just see if we can fly. Life may be better inside, yet the tempest calls. Is it possible to delve that deep into the unknown, crushing the bones and other remains of the all the lost souls beneath my feet. It’s cool and wet down here, this cave reeks of death and regret but the comfort of home comes to me and i think ill stay a while, maybe forever....the shock of the blinding sun when when you crawl out this dwelling to momentarily carry on with world is intense--the air above is thick, too pure. I fall to my knees hard and my stomach surges-spitting out only the dirty water, nothing more. At this altitude, heads float in confusion--before they explode from the pressure.

Re: just words
Posted by diana on Fri Dec 14 21:02:20 2001 (#12889)

hey is that a poem? or is it jus words that came to ur mind. what ever it is, its really good. i know how u feel n writin clears my head for a lil too but i still don't understand for the long run..

embarrassment of bitches
Posted by necrosis on Sat Dec 15 04:45:07 2001 (#12893)

that was interesting.

(it's a good title! seriously though, I've only had this problem with a few women & one guy. The guy came on to me. treemendous. enough said)

I've ignored the rancid polemical bile as I simply couldn't be arsed to indulge in such petty nonsense. If people for whatever reason feel they can't turn to others instead of me with their problems then you sort it out. When I want to back off because I need to sort my own out then I will.

Some people believe you always have to be there for them. If you would take a step to being responsible for your own lives instead of blaming everyone else for your own failures then you might change.

CHANGE! The C word! Change is positive when you are sick of your life & sometimes that means learning to say NO to people that prefer you remained as impotent as them.

I haven't the tedium to hate anyone that hates me, & I sure as hell can't be bothered to actively try to hurt people. Instead of scapegoating me, you'd do yourself justice to stop whining & look at the things you're unhappy about. If you refuse to use available help or take it but co-operate insincerely then you're an temporary idiot. It isn't passive either, you have to sweat.

I still find it hard, but everyone around me at home has been going nuts at me not being able to say NO!! to people & getting too involved & then feeling so guilty that I let them down. I still beat myself up when I do it.

Thanks for listening. This wasn't directed soley at Alana. It's not personal. It's a specific mindset - it's at needy people in general that think you owe them a piece of yourself because they are so self centred they care more about taking than they do about giving.

The sort of people that delight in your sojourn into misery so they can feel helpful

The people that go spare if you don't want to talk about your problems anymore, a flimsy hold on you now slipping. They drag their claws in & draw as much blood with insults & spurious machinations

The people that breathe to hate. Breathe to knock others down, not to build themselves - up out of cowardice.

The people beg for your wisdom, when all they want is for you to feed them the same chewed up lies they feed themselves everyday.

& ignorant people. People that know so little yet have so much to say. If you know you're ignorant, I'll have a quiet drink with you in the corner. Mines a fucking coke coz I'm off alcohol & fags for a bit. shit.

Of course these people can be nice, but the pay off has to be heavily in their favour.

'Do you have trouble saying NO!?'

Respect yourself. Tell them NO!

Altogether with me 'NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

knackered. bed.

bye xxx

Re: embarrassment of bitches
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Sat Dec 15 05:59:32 2001 (#12895)

NOOOOOO...hmmm :)

Re: embarrassment of bitches
Posted by mego on Sat Dec 15 06:57:13 2001 (#12896)

a lot of what you said makes a lot of sense. i dont agree with all of it but you made a lot of good points. thanks.

Re: embarrassment of bitches
Posted by noone on Sun Dec 16 10:23:47 2001 (#12903)

then again, some people take and take and then take off, their lives accumulating too many good to see you're feeling better about yourself though. hope you're not still feeling as sick. too bad, you were a friend for a little while

I feel so crazy.. please help
Posted by you know who but Im keepin this one quiet... on Sun Dec 16 00:07:58 2001 (#12897)

I just watched the film "pearl harbor" .. it is so upsetting, but when the americans were getting bombed, all I could think of was, "damn, I wish that was me".. I dont know why, I just wanted that to be me, I wanted to be killed I wanted someone to just come along in a plane and gun me down, I feel so weird. I have this dream that keeps coming back, everyday when I sleep, that I am in a boxing ring, and that Im getting chased by this massive dinosaur, and then it stabs me in the back, and I can feel the pain in my sleep, it is so real, whats wrong with me, why the hell am I so morbid, why do I get these "sick" thoughts?... help me, please

Re: I feel so crazy.. please help
Posted by tawnia on Sun Dec 16 00:53:30 2001 (#12899)

I don't think there's anything wrong with you; you're most certainly not crazy. I think everyone has those sort of thoughts at one time or another, and some just more often then others. I know this is morbid, and I hope not to upset anyone by it, but....two years ago, I went on a family vacation to California, and I remember looking out the window and thinking "Well, if the plane crashes, it won't be a bad way to die; might even be interesting". All this considered (especially now) that's really horrible; I even feel kind of guilty for it. But, truth be told, if I was in a plane again, I don't know if I wouldn't think the same thing :c\. So, yeah.

Like the stars above...'til I die

tawnia

about the same way!!!! Re: I feel so crazy.. pleas
Posted by jen on Sun Dec 16 18:23:58 2001 (#12905)

i felt the same way i watched that movie and i thought the same exact things i cried everynight cause i didn't want to go to sleep cause before i went to sleep i would think i wish that was me and i get these nightmares like i was getting shot and i can fell the pain rushin through my body finally they left me they were gone i had these dreams for like 3 months i saw the movie in a theater with my sister it was weird but i thought i was goin absoulutly crazy no place to turn to for help so i just lived w/ it for that long and for hanukah my aunt bought me the movie she bought me the movie that made me go insane i freaked out she thought i was goin crazy again so i know how you felt!!!

Re: I feel so crazy.. please help
Posted by ... on Sun Dec 16 01:27:00 2001 (#12901)

thanks Tawnia, thats helped me alot, thankyou.. Love always xxxxxxxxxx

Re: I feel so crazy.. please help
Posted by KAT on Sun Dec 16 15:34:22 2001 (#12904)

I think your perfectly normal..seriously. Just because we think things that may seem odd to you doesnt mean they really are..just think if everyone really said what was on their mind.. I don't think your morbid or sick. It's probably just related to stuff your worried about and feel bad about.. take it easy -KAT
:)

You are NOT crazy, here's some advise
Posted by Dawn on Wed Dec 19 11:46:21 2001 (#12958)

First off you know now that that particular movie affects your life in many negative ways... so don't watch things you know are triggers for you.

Secondly: disect your nightmares and find a common denominator, and do what you can to construct it. Mine were words... and I had them put on a tshirt which I wore night and day for some time. The nightmares ended.

When we take charge of our lives and begin to make even baby steps differently than we did before IT CHANGES OUR LIVES. Love and Hugs....Dawn

And it's happened again!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Jenny on Sun Dec 16 18:36:39 2001 (#12906)

Once again another person has died! A boy who I knew, a pilla fell on him and killed him. The amount of ppl morning over him woz loads y wozn't that me? I cant help but wish that all these peoople that were dying were me? Ive now been dignosed with depression and i hate it. Y woznt I the one under that pilla? I woz thinkin that when I die there will be no one there tio morn me so It will be who the fuck is she? ill have no one. that is sad.

Re: And it's happened again!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Dec 17 09:00:50 2001 (#12918)

Hun, people will morn you. Friends and family. You can say "nuh-uh" but that's not true. There is at least one person on this earth that cares about you. You can disagree with me until the cows come home, but I care. So HA! *smiles*

And no I don't know you personally, but that doesn't mean I don't care about your well-being. 'Cause I do.

Jenny, We really do care
Posted by Dawn on Tue Dec 18 08:56:05 2001 (#12938)

Jenny, we've never met face to face, but when I read your post it felt like I wrote it, and I believe I'm not the only one either.

I've been away from the board for a week or so, and then I come back here and cry as I read, because it seems as though people found my journals I threw out because I'm better, and when I read how you don't believe anyone would mourn you, or how you wish it was you who died, I'm like right back where I was 5 years ago.

But then I remember I don't feel that way any more. I know people love me, even my kids and my granddaughter who was born when I was in the thick of my depression. I remember being anxious as all get out taking a trip for 2 weeks and knowing I couldn't cut, and I couldn't even take my scissors on the plane or my pepper spray, and wondering how defenseless I'd be in a town that never sleeps.

But I stood behind my younger daughter's doctor as he caught my little tiny granddaughter into this frightening world and it was wonderful. So wonderful in fact I forgot how everyone was fighting just the night before.

Good things happen in this world along with the bad. If we hold on so tight, like I did for so long we miss out on the good. I'm learning to let go, to open my heart and let the tears flow and take away the hurt and pain, and open my eyes and watch my dog, Trixi, play with pieces of food, or bark at dogs three times her size and imagine she is saying things like, "You are lucky I'm stuck here inside this place, cuz if I wasn't I'd show you whose tougher." I can imagine that because I'm winning the fight. I faced my pain and its not so powerful anymore.

Let us help be your strength when you are feeling lower than low, and you think this world wouldn't miss you. Don't believe those lies.

I had a male therapist tell me I was as good as I was going to get,, and I was OD ing and attempting suicide every week or two. That's all behind me now. I'm 49, I weigh 234 and I have a boyfriend who is more like a husband (without the sex) and we've been together (he lives next door) for 4 years.

We can change our lives if we reach out for help and take love when its given to us. Love and Hugs....Dawn

Re: Jenny, We really do care
Posted by star (amz) on Tue Dec 18 11:14:59 2001 (#12939)

You are amazing i love and admire you so much, love, prayers and strength. Amz xxx (star) ps ill email you asap.

plz read STAR (amz)
Posted by Jenny on Tue Dec 18 23:08:19 2001 (#12947)

Thank you very much for caring I do really apprichaite what you have saud. Ihave made so many friends on this bored even fallen in love!!!!! I have no strength what so ever to go on any more there is nothing to live for except each and every cut. No one will miss me,I m just me boring old me. Thank you very much for caring its nice to hear from you, Do email me then maybe I can make another mate. If anyone hasn MSN messanger just sign me up andd ill talk to you my name is the same as my email address.

I almost killed myself... and I still want to...
Posted by lys on Mon Dec 17 01:21:20 2001 (#12909)

well, this past week my new meds (celexa) have been making me extremely manic. Except that I still feel like shit even though I am going kind of off the wall. And I have been dissociating a lot. The flashbacks have been horrible, and I just wanna die.... I wanna take the blades to my wrists, or just take all of my pills, or just walk into traffic and forgetting everything. All the pain, the sadness, the fear. I could make it all go away so quickly... I am just so scared, I don't wanna die alone... but still, I know that if I could just end this, that would be it. I would finally be free from all of this pain..... Because I just can't do it anymore, I really can't.... I am so tired of it all.... I don't know what to do!!!

sorry for all of this, I just needed to tell someone that can't have me locked up....

Re: I almost killed myself... and I still want to.
Posted by Maggie on Mon Dec 17 02:01:18 2001 (#12910)

I think what you need to do is tell the doctor who prescribed you the Celexa that they are making you feel worse. You don't need to go into details, or suggest anything that may make him want to commit you. But it seems that the pills aren't doing their job and you have to get off them...but definitely under professional supervision. It sounds like you are going through hell right now, but suicide is permanent (to quote Nuni vertabim) and it may get better one day. Think back to a time when you can remember being happy and that nothing could bring you down...even if you're going back to childhood. I'm sure you would never have imagined back then how you feel today, and in the same way you can't imagine now how much better it can get from where you're at the lowest. Surround yourself with other people (friends or not) and keep yourself occupied. I don't know exactly what's going particularly wrong in your life at the moment but I'll be praying for you, that it gets better soon.

Email me if you need to chat more. Take care. You're loved.

Maggie.

Re: I almost killed myself... and I still want to.
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Mon Dec 17 04:25:04 2001 (#12912)

I feel the same sweetheart, you are not alone, I feel like that, day in, day out, I hate my life, and I dont wish to go on, but I have to, I have to consider my family and friends, and how upset they would be if I ended it, I attempted suicide in February, I slit my wrists and took 25 paracetamol and 45 diazapam tablets, then I went to bed, but my mother found me in the morning and called an ambulance, so I was saved... I felt so guilty when I recovered, my family were so upset, my cousin Rob, who is a year older than me, didnt go to school or anything because he was so upset, I couldnt come to terms with what I had done, it was bad. Please stay strong baby. I love you, so does everyone else here. If you ever want to talk feel free to email me. Love as always. CriMsOn*TeArS

I know how you feel/ I lived it too
Posted by Dawn on Mon Dec 17 09:34:09 2001 (#12920)

Lys I wish I could transport myself to where you are and put my scarred arms around you and let you see that what you said I thought too, and I'm still alive and I'm better, I feel better, my life is better.

But God is Omnipresent. He is as close as the mention of his name. Speak the name of Jesus and He will wrap you in his arms and hold you till your tears stop flowing. He will be strong when you are weak. I know because I'm weak a lot.

It seems so surreal, it is as if you read my journal and wrote the words on the board for all to see. In my mind I see the spot on the highway where the sidewalk meets the guardrail. But God was walking with me and I did not act on my thoughts and neither did you. Hang in there. I does get better. Do as Maggie says, talk to your doctor, and talk to a counsellor they can help you.

I'm praying for you....Love Dawn

Re: I almost killed myself... and I still want to.
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Mon Dec 17 22:02:58 2001 (#12930)

does it realy evin mater what I say? probably not so I'll keep it brief and hope that it gets to you.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a part time problem"

I hope you remember that. the others have allready said what was needed so take care.

luv ya, Drew :)

Re: I almost killed myself... and I still want to.
Posted by jes on Mon Dec 17 23:28:15 2001 (#12933)

hun, i don't know that i can say anything that would help you right now. partly because i am stoned off my face, but mostly because i know that when you feel like this, i know that nothing anyone says canmake it go away. so i'm not gonna go on about anything other than please take a look inside yourself and ask if you REALLY want to die. deep down you don't want to be dead, you justwant the pain away. you are so srong, you can beat this. take care plz. xxxx

well, I am still alive.... (to all the ppl here)
Posted by lys on Tue Dec 18 01:51:11 2001 (#12934)

but I don't want to be here. Alive, living, breathing, that is. And yet, it isn't just my worries of being commited that scares the shit out of me, but my fear of losing my apartment and my cats and my school if I tell anyone. If I were to tell my school counsellor how I felt, that I sat there for hours in candlelight with around 10 bottles of pills in front of me, and the blades in my hands, and that pain that never seems to go away, he would call the ambulance right then and there. No questions. No hesitation. Even my therapist, who is adamantly against me being hospitalized, would have me commited. And I would go back even farther, when I lived with my parents, and I felt even more trapped in my life than I do now... I just don't know what to do, I want to die so badly, but I have a track record of failures. I am just so scared of dying alone that it never really works. and I want to talk to somebody, and I want to hear their words and see their faces and know that even if they are just trying to do their job, they still care in some way. I wish there was that happy time I could reflect upon, but I never had any. I was always worried, and scared, even as a child. It is the way my life has always been...

Anyways, I have rambled long enough... Take care everyone....

Re: well, I am still alive.... (to all the ppl her
Posted by Linda on Tue Dec 18 14:25:27 2001 (#12941)

Lys....please......your death will not end pain and suffering. If you have never accepted the gift of salvation, your future is a lot worse than it is now. I know this sounds harsh but please reconsider and if you need a friend I am here.

Re: well, I am still alive.... (to all the ppl her
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Dec 19 15:35:54 2001 (#12964)

okay...ALL of us are here for you and care about you greatly! i dont know what to tell you...but just think about how one day everything could be fine, i know you think that will never happen because most of your life has been pretty bad. but please...stay alive, things will get better!

Lys,we have to resist, the easy way out has flaws
Posted by Dawm on Fri Dec 21 00:11:16 2001 (#12995)

I've seen ppl in hospitals whose attempts failed and they spend the remainder of their lives living in full care facilities, spoon fed, their every move made by an aide. I was the aide.

Last night I too thought of putting an end to a fight I feel at times to broken to be fixable. But then I woke up early, got out of bed and did things that needed doing.

That is how we win. We just keep going......

READ THIS LYS
Posted by robyn on Sun Dec 23 21:56:05 2001 (#13038)

Look you may feel that u want to die and thats ur head talking you have to dig deep down into ur heart even if u feel like you don't have one you do. You need to find that only a part of you wants to die. as you said your afraid bc you'd be loosing things that you care about. now imagine the people that care about you how would they feel. You wouldnt be missing anyone you'd be fukin dead but all of the others would have to burry you and have to go thru having a daughter or a friend or a sister die and that would hurt them more then u think cause believe me i've been there loosing a friend and i'm afraid for you cuz i don't want u to die. i used to feel that way until i found that part of my heart that didn't want to leave and that part was GOD you may not be a believer but i reallie want u to EMAIL me so i can send you something that i think u need to read badly ok.... i love you and all i can do is pray for you ok... pleas talk to me soon!!

~*~Robyn Girl~*~ E-mail~ozzyboy102@aol.com AIM~ d1sturbed4L1fe

Where is Dawn?
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 17 02:04:52 2001 (#12911)

Hi, Just wondering if any one has heard from Dawn. Dawn, i hope you are doing alright! Hugs, Nuni

Re: Where is Dawn?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Dec 17 04:47:49 2001 (#12913)

Saw your post and thought I'd let you know that I emailed her and she wrote me back. She is having some health problems with her back and her thumb. They may have to do surgery on her thumb, so would everyone say a prayer for her? She's been in a lot of pain and on some medication so she has trouble staying awake sometimes. Hopefully, she will recover soon and be back here helping everyone. Love, Rhonda

Hello, Hello, Hello
Posted by Dawn on Mon Dec 17 05:55:42 2001 (#12914)

Before I hit the board and read posts, and give any responses. I wanted everyone who cares to know that I am alive (Hallelujah!!!!). I am content with my life, (Hallelujah!!!!). And all is well with my soul even though not all is well with my body. My absense from the board is largely because I have severe pain in my back, too bad it wasn't because I had someone in my life who was a pain in my ____. Now! Now! If you count the spaces you will see I meant "neck" not ars. hehe

God has been blessing me with pain in my body to keep my thoughts on how to relieve it, rather than, how to stop my mind and body from remembering things that happened long ago that torment me now.

I told Becky one day when she let something slip out of her subconscious, then quickly told me to forget it, that "Once the truth is out, it doesn't go back into hiding"

Well, many is the day that I wish I could live without memories. But if that were true, I couldn't remember sitting on the floor with my mother as she patiently taught me to throw a ball in the air with one hand and pick up a jack before the ball came back down and I would have to catch it.

That is a way better memory than seeing my mother using her finger, motioning me to come to her so she could give me a fat lip.

My mother is dead, and years ago when my memories first started breaking through my subconscious I was so angry at my mother I wanted, thought of, imagined going and dancing on her grave. But God.... has blessed me with time to heal, a willingness to heal, and a willingness to forgive.... and now instead of dancing on my mother's grave I wish I could just go there, knell down and say, "I love and forgive you Mama!"

I still have a lot of bad memories, many of her being mean and cruel, memories of words she screamed at me until they etched themselves on the part of my mind that defines who I am, and they are hard to erase, but God told me I am worthy of His Love and that He Loves me regardless of what I've done or said or what others have done or said, so I am CONFIDENT THAT HE IS ABLE TO DO EXCEEDINGLY ABOVE ALL I ASK OR THINK. So I know one day my trials will be over, but for today all is well with my soul. And that is what matters most of all. Happy Holidays Everyone...love and Hugs...Dawn (another sermonette..oh well...freedom of speech)

Re: Hello, Hello, Hello
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 17 07:31:05 2001 (#12915)

Dawn, sermonette or not I am glad you feel well enough to post. Through my therapy I have been finding that my anger is also finally rearing its ugly head. I think my doc knows he is doing this to me, I am just letting my self go. Like you said, words come out in haste for a reason. I dont feel as tormented by the things that happened when I was younger. It is like somehow I have resigned myself that the more pain I feel, the more I feed those that violated my innocence. I am nowhere near where you are in my relationship to Jesus, but I know that with faith I am going to make it. I have to admit though, I have been going through therapy a long time too. But I know that through prayer anything is possible. Huge Hugs to you!! Happy Holidays Luv, Nuni

Nuni, hello, and thank you
Posted by Dawn on Mon Dec 17 09:08:18 2001 (#12919)

I do not want you or anyone else to get the wrong idea. I am no saint. I'm not holier than anyone. I just happen to believe in Jesus the way I did when I was 5 years old. And I've talked to him through many tears, because He was the only one I could talk to when life hurt too much or when I didn't know what to do, or when I was afraid, or when I was lonely. Then one wonderful day He, as God, not as a child's confidant, talked to me. He said, "I died to make you worthy" and later that day, I left playing games with my kids and went to my bedroom, shut the door, and knelt down and told God that through out my life I had tried to go to church, but I'd go for a while, then I'd quit because I could live a sinless life. I told him I could promise I could live for him for a month. Then my insides kept being honest with myself and God, and the month was cut to a week, and the week, a day. Then I said, "to be really honest I can't even promise my heart can be sin free for even a minute, so if you want me you have to take me as I am and make me what you want me to be" and when I said that a peace came into my heart and I knew my heart was right with God and I didn't have to beg him to love me anymore.

I don't say grace, I haven't been to church since I wanted to run home and kill myself, but I still Know peace in my heart, because that Peace is Jesus Himself.

Ever since the Sept. 11 tragedy my past lost its importance. For the first time since my breakdown I realized there are worse things than my past life. And that although my body is pain all the time. Being alive is better than being dead.

It makes me want to get a hold of all my doctors and nurses and psychaitrists and all my friends and tell them THANK YOU FOR TAKING CARE OF ME..... it has been a hard journey that started with Bible study groups, and Alanon, and crisis counselling for battered wives, those years when I thought the problem was being married to an alcoholic. I thought once I was free oh him my problems were behind me, instead I discover that the problems were what made me get him to marry me in the first place.

We all need counseling (all of us on here anyway) we need it to talk about the stuff we can't tell ourselves and so we keep it stored up deep inside our minds and hope it will just go away, BUT IT DOESN'T. It is like a cancer that affects everything in our lives.

Look at us, we come here because we cut ourselves. There has to be a reason. We need to let the reason come out of the darkness in our minds to the light of day so we can do something to fix it. I don't cut much anymore because I've talked out my life, and that is why I want to go on record saying Thank you to everyone who has help me stay alive and not end my life by cutting or medication overdoses, mixed with alcohol.

Which includes, you, Nuni, and Rhonda, and Linda, and silverwolf, and even you Dave. And everyone else, whose names I cannot list or I'd be here all night. Thank you All....love and hugs...Dawn

Re: Hello, Hello, Hello
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Dec 17 08:39:14 2001 (#12916)

Hey Dawn, keep praying.

Re: Hello, Hello, Hello
Posted by Linda on Mon Dec 17 15:16:21 2001 (#12923)

You guys are ALL such a blessing to me!!!

I cut on my face
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Dec 17 08:56:59 2001 (#12917)

Hmm ... it was queer. And I don't really know why I did it. I had cut on my arm like usual. Stopped the bleeding, cleaned up, etcetera, etcetera. Then I looked in the mirror, got my blade and cut from my tear duct to the end of my nose; the path of a tear.

Don't know why I'm sharing this really. But what's the point of this board if I can't share. I've been failing in doing so. It's just that when you read one post and you write one post they all start to look the same, even though they're not. Each cut has it's own story to tell, it's own reason to be here on our bodies, infecting our lives. And each post has it's own story to tell.

Blah.

Re: I cut on my face
Posted by CriMsoN*TeARs on Mon Dec 17 09:46:33 2001 (#12921)

be careful hun, ive cut on my face before too, but I made it look like Id hit a wall or something, banged my head, I sliced it with a razor and then hit it until it bruised. take care. Love as always CriMsON*TeARs xxx

Re: I cut on my face
Posted by Drew on Mon Dec 17 22:28:49 2001 (#12931)

I don't blame you for slashing your face. I've done it and probably for the same reason you did. I may be way off here but if your reasons were the same as mine then it's because you no longer care about what the people think about you and you've sliced up your arms so meny times that it's lost all meaning and you're so desperately trying to cling to what’s left of your sanity and you lash out trying to make what you look on the outside match what you feel on the inside. And later on you'll sit there in the darkness of your room curled up in a corner with a knife to your chest as you drag deep into your flesh in a vain hope to carve your heart out, cause that’s where the pain seams to come from . and as you gasp in perfect pain the blood flows and you realize the fool you once were trying to make all your problems disappear with the simple act of a blade on your arm when knowing that will never again suffice you dive deeper into your mind and realize just how ugly you and all of humanity is and that it should only be fitting that you become the poster child of what everybody thinks and what everybody does at one time in there life, only they're to scared of being locked up to do it. but don't worry. when people see a mutilated freak they turn away and go back into there little cave because it disturbs them to see another that could be them do that to themselves, no one gets you help no one approaches you because in today’s culture it's considered "Goth" or some shit so ppl. just go along there business and leave you the bloody heap of human reject that you are... And nothing could be better than that because you're now FREE! free of prying eyes, free of asinine questions, free to bleed and love it.

??? just a bit of insight, and if that's nowhere close, to anything, than sorry bout that, just ignore it.

thecutthatneverheals.

Re: I cut on my face
Posted by lys on Tue Dec 18 01:56:49 2001 (#12935)

I have cut on my face many times in the past. I did it because I was tired of men hitting on me, and people saying I was pretty, when I know and feel so horrible and ugly. So I cut my face so other people would see it too.... i can understand cutting the path of a tear, sort of immortalising something you can't always show, especially when you most want to. Anyways, be careful, people tend to freak more about the face than anything else... take care......

Re: I cut on my face
Posted by KAT on Thu Dec 20 01:07:59 2001 (#12978)

I've cut on my face before, Ive also cut my throat as if someone had slit it from point to point but it wasnt deep enough to kill.... please be careful sweetheart

Re: I cut on my face
Posted by diana on Fri Dec 21 21:10:00 2001 (#13011)

i used to cut my face up too.. it was mostly the reason as lys.. because i didn't want people to hit on my anymore just cause im pretty..people are just going for looks now adays and they really shouldn't be.. but what was ur reason?

am i self harmer??
Posted by alisha on Mon Dec 17 18:58:39 2001 (#12925)

i cut my arms and my legs wiv blades but never as bad as the ones i have seen on the pictures on this site???? what does that mean????

alisha

Re: am i self harmer??
Posted by CriMsON*TeaRs on Mon Dec 17 19:42:51 2001 (#12927)

yeah darlin, that is self harm. take care Love CriMsON*TEaRs

Re: am i self harmer??
Posted by Lindsey on Mon Dec 17 20:18:14 2001 (#12928)

Just because your cuts don't look as bad as the cuts in those pictures doesn't mean it's not self-harm.

Re: am i self harmer??
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 17 21:01:03 2001 (#12929)

Hi, I agree with the others. Everyone Si's differently. How do you feel now that you know? I am wondering.. I hope you are doing ok too. You came to a safe place where you can talk. This board will also be moving to www.psyke.org Take care, luv Nuni E-mail me if you want.

Re: am i self harmer??
Posted by -.- on Mon Dec 17 22:41:23 2001 (#12932)

the answer is yes.

You knew the answer when you wrote the ? Lets talk
Posted by Dawn on Tue Dec 18 04:57:24 2001 (#12937)

Alisha, what a beautiful name. I'm Dawn, 49, and started harming in about 1988. Many of us start small like you, some of the pic are horror stories, to what degree we harm is not the issue. The issue here is that we do. I believe the biggest issue is Why? But it takes years sometimes before we answer that question.

There are two people on this board who are not self injurers. They are hear to listen and encourage. Rhonda has a daughter on the board. Rhonda is wonderfully compassionate and non-judgemental, and one of my very dear friends (although we've never met). Linda is a woman after God's own Heart. It is her deepest desire that we find our answers in the One who is THE Answer to every problem, Jesus Christ. Don't let that scare you away from talking with her. She too is a dear friend to me and many on this board. It is great to know that when we are at our lowest she is in prayer that God will strengthen us.

Amazing things happen on this board. You will see them for yourself when you read posts and responses. One person can post in the depts of despair, then another, and the first comes right back with a helping hand, and together the two talk until calm has came to both. Its incredible. I love to witness it over and over. bye for now. Email me if you need to talk....Love and hugs...Dawn

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