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Threads 3301 to 3350

Willing and ready to
Posted by Tiffany on Sat Dec 29 06:51:41 2001 (#13130)

I know you don't know me here, but I have one question. My parents know I cut, but they have no idea what to do. I want help, I want to stop doing this to myself, how can I get them to understand that I need professional help? They don't listen, and I'm tired of screaming and yelling at them to make them see. And one more thing, to all those who are seeing a therapist, is it helping?

Re: Willing and ready to
Posted by diana on Sat Dec 29 08:42:51 2001 (#13131)

i don't know how old you are.. but if you are in middle school or high school, you can always go down to the office and ask to speek to ur guidence councelor. then you can tell them everything thats going on... they will probably call home because ur in danger to yourself or some bullshit like that, but ur parents already know so its not that bad. but then the school is on ur side and will get ur parents to realize that you have a problem...hope that helped a little

Re: Willing and ready to
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Dec 29 18:06:14 2001 (#13133)

Hey Tiffany, Being a parent of a cutter I can understand your parents not knowing what to do. It took Tara threatening to kill herself to get us to realize that she really needed professional help, but please don't threaten to do that with your parents. Maybe you could print some things from sites that deal with cutting and the need for help. If they understood better that this is not just something you do to get attention, it's like being addicted to something, they would get you the help. You basically need to keep telling them to get you some help. Sooner or later, they will listen. If you are old enough, you can talk to a teacher you trust or a priest or preacher or even another adult. They will get hold of your parents and tell them. We got hold of our police department and they came and took Tara into protective custody. It was really scary and so very hard for us to do, but in the long run, it was the best thing we did for her. She goes to a therapist once a month now instead of every 2 weeks and is off her meds except for when she gets a little depressed. But now she has tools to work through her problems and I'm proud to report she has not cut in almost 7 or 8 months. It has been a lot of hard work on her part and a lot of understanding on mine and her dad's part, but we have gotten through it. If you want help, do whatever you can to get it. And seeing someone will help if you find the right person. If I can help, please let me know. I'm even willing to talk to your parents if you want me to. Let me know. Email me if you have any questions. Take care of yourself and don't give up. Love, Rhonda

Re: Willing and ready to
Posted by Dawn on Mon Dec 31 05:54:37 2001 (#13163)

Tiffany, I am not certain I should be telling my story, it may sound the therapy is not as effective as it is.

It is for three things that I am alive today. The first is God, the second is therapy/medication (they go together) and the third is my persistence to get through my pain to the other side.

Cutting has been a big part in keeping me alive when what I really thought was that death was the only way out. IT IS NOT.

Persistance..... If your parents do not get you help, go to someone else, if they don't go to someone else, and keep open and talking about what started the cutting and what your life at home and away from home is like, and don't forget to talk about your relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends. It helps to identify the problem behind the cutting.

Its HARD....DON'T THINK ITS NOT...but if you want it bad enough your find peace. And the cutting will end. Love and Hugs..Dawn

Re: Willing and ready to
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 1 11:59:56 2002 (#13175)

ive only been getting therapy for a little while but it isnt helping ME.

however i do believe it will help you you say that you want it that you feel you need it so it will help.

i honestly dont know how to get your paretns to listen to you but you do need to do so or you may progress into becoming a cutter who doesnt want to stop. dont do anthing silly though try the school idea i think its good. or i know that you could go by yourself to a therpyist some are free. i think or hope for your sake.

keep trying.

read
Posted by erin on Sun Dec 30 06:31:01 2001 (#13145)

I need to talk to someone who cuts themselves too. no one understands exept other cutters. email me at angelfire_aries@hotmail.com if you want to talk. I'm 17 1/2 and have been cutting for only a year but have been like this for more than that.

Thanks,

Erin

Re: read
Posted by Jenny on Sun Dec 30 14:43:52 2001 (#13147)

I've sent you a message to download msn then we could talk just email me if u eve wana talk

Hey Xmas is ova ! !
Posted by Jenny on Sun Dec 30 14:52:45 2001 (#13148)

Well.......................... ........ Now xmas is over all the joy what do we do to fill our minds? I was happy, well sorta over xmas now....................... im not. Its new yers soon a time to get abslutly plastered then creep aeway in the corner and kill yourself........ Thats what im gona do,. Hopefull no one will notice. They will all think im pissed but im dying

Re: Hey Xmas is ova ! !
Posted by CryingRedTears on Sun Dec 30 20:32:58 2001 (#13154)

someone will notice. someone will always notice because someone cares. and if you think no one else cares-then i care. i hope you can get through it-

you have just experienced a mind dribble by: brittany

Please Hang in there, we need you
Posted by Dawn on Mon Dec 31 06:15:46 2001 (#13164)

You may think you are a lone soul and no one will notice you are gone. But we will miss you.

I truely was a lone soul, I didn't have a board like this. At first I had a phone booth several blocks away (a block from a pennitentary) and I stayed alive because I willed myself to, even when it meant asking a guy who rolls on the ground with a pretend machine gun in his hands and he is shooting down UFOs to walk the blocks with me at night and talking to a crisis worker who didn't know beans about cutters or WANTING TO END YOUR LIFE.

I have thought of suicide, to be honest, and I'm crying now. But it isn't over...the thinking about it....

Christmas Eve I got a phone call that has made me feel like the worse grandmother on earth and my granddaughter and the world would be a much better place without me in it.

But I've come too far to give in to those thoughts... So please hang in there with me. I've developed this persona as a strong person of faith. It is that faith that is keeping me alive.

FIND SOMETHING TO HOLD ONTO... and the misery, pain, and problems will solve themselves or you will find a way to change them into stepping stones toward a life free of pain. Love and Hugs...Dawn

testing a pic
Posted by elle on Sun Dec 30 17:21:00 2001 (#13150)

This should be my bearded dragon

Re: testing a pic
Posted by elle on Sun Dec 30 17:21:40 2001 (#13151)

nope doesnt allow pics

Re: testing a pic
Posted by Erin on Sun Dec 30 17:59:42 2001 (#13152)

I've noticed that html doesnt work either

okay (read this kim
Posted by mego on Sun Dec 30 22:53:48 2001 (#13155)

new years, i'm just drinking with the same friends i was with last year, i decided not to go with nell, i'd get into too much trouble. last night i was at her house and i couldn't sleep, so i went through all the cupboards until i found a razor so i could cut myself. tim came down but i dont think he even realised what was goin on, damn pothead. i finally found one, cut myself, and fell asleep right away. it felt so good. beat the weed i smoked earlier. but still, hard to say whether or not it was better than the cigarettes. well, i was smoking while i was doin it, so everything just calmed me down a lot, i can't ever remember being that relaxed. well, i just wanted to let kim know that i decided not to do any heavy shit on new years, just the usual weekend thing. and happy new years everyone. my resolution is to lose another 15 or 20 pounds. wish me luck!! i luv you guys! mego

Re: okay (read this kim
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Mon Dec 31 05:44:59 2001 (#13161)

good!!

Re: okay (read this kim
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Mon Dec 31 05:46:51 2001 (#13162)

good about not doing all the heavy drugs and wat not...just wanted to clear that up..heh

okay (read this kim)
Posted by mego on Sun Dec 30 22:53:57 2001 (#13156)

crying for the past
Posted by mego on Mon Dec 31 05:37:07 2001 (#13160)

too much pain inside this home//too much anger that trys to kill//too much inside that is screaming no//this emptiness is too hard to fill//so i escape into my dreams//where none of this has to exist//where everything is as it seems//and blood isn't my only happiness//where is the antidote to this little drug//that is making things disappear??//where is that comforting hug//and that voice i loved to hear??//everything has changed around me//the walls are stripped and bare//i wish they could make me see//those times we never had to care//and now i'm alone inside this room//crying for the past//i have to pack up and move on soon//but this emptiness will always last

Re: crying for the past
Posted by Dawn on Mon Dec 31 06:52:58 2001 (#13165)

Your writing brings back my past, crawling inside my head making up lives that know no pain, no confusion, places that kept me safe from my mother's backhand, or words spewed out that said I was no good, and had no brains. I wonder now who told the same things to her? It probably was her mother whom I hated worse than her.

Mego, thank you for your words they remind me that the last 13 years of struggle has not been for nothing. Peace comes when have someone holding your life in His hands, and when you personally ask Him to intervien if your strength fails you and in an irrational moment you decide to end your life that He will remind you to reach out for help and help will come in time.

I cannot tell you how many phones calls I have made, how many cups of charcoal I swallowed, or the life-flight helicopter ride I will never remember.

To all who read this I am just like you. I know pain.....no more/no less for pain is not compareable.... its not like shrinks ask about "on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the worse, how much pain are you feeling now?"

I'd tell them 15. Our pain goes off scales. I guess if it fit on one of their stupid scales we wouldn't be cutting or considering, or attempting suicide.

So Mego, keep fighting, keep writing, even if you are angry with the whole friggen world. (I am sorry I used the word friggen, I really meant fucking, but I'm a believer in God and many people watch for me to NOT ACT REGLIOUS OR RIGHTEOUS, but the truth is something in life just lose their truth in soft words, and besides God knows what word I mean even if I try to soften it to please those people who set it upon themselves to scrutinize my post and responses....Dawn

when i woke up today
Posted by diana on Mon Dec 31 20:42:28 2001 (#13166)

i woke up this morning finding a suicide note on my bed. i wasn't supposed to wake up today, but im glad i did. i slit my wrist and i took an OD, but i guess it wasn't enough to kill me. im glad that im still here...

I'm GLAD YOU ARE HERE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jan 1 00:18:15 2002 (#13167)

Every morning is a clean slate remember that. It is a fresh start to make today better than yesterday and if at the end of it is isn't then we go to bed and pray that tomorrow will be better. I have a saying on my closet door it say that today is a present, It is not yesterday with all its problems, Its not tomorrow or the future that we cannot see. It is the present and that is all we have to work with. Take each moment and live it the best we can. God Bless You....Dawn

dawn...
Posted by diana on Wed Jan 2 01:13:02 2002 (#13184)

i just wanted to say thank-you dawn.-diana

empty (may be triggering)
Posted by *Poison on Tue Jan 1 04:04:44 2002 (#13168)

last night was a night that i have not experienced in awhile, this whole week has been hell. i stopped taking my meds about 2 weeks ago because i OD'd on them sort of, i just took a bit more than i was supposed to. a few days ago i had the shakes wicked bad, (a side effect of my medication normally) but this time it was espically bad, i've had major migranes and well other than that i am just pretty much empty. i feel nothing, everything is one big blank empty space. nothing changes with me. my mood is at a constant blah. a few days ago my stepdad flipped out on my brother and sister, because my brother wanted a drink. he's 4 yrs old! i couldn't take it. i left the house and went outside to a school that is near my house and i cut myself. i wanted to cut so much more, i wanted to slit my wrists and let myself bleed out. let some janitor find me. i did only a few and then after freezing for about a half hour i went back. last night, i got in a fight with my sister and i just couldn't handle it anymore. i cut myself just like i used to. deep, quite a few, just perfectly placed so that it is a beautiful picture (in my mind). My mother walked in and found me with blood all dripping down my arm. and what does she do? NOTHING. she harasses me and leaves , telling me to feed the dogs and cats. i can't take this life much longer. i can't! i am dying inside, as all of you are, my body doesn't even know if it is alive. i can't go on like this. i will dye soon if this keeps going on. i can't do this, i can't, i just can't. i'm dying. and soon, soon, i will make it real...(if i can ever find the difference between reality and the dream world)

Amanda

Re: empty (may be triggering)
Posted by star on Tue Jan 1 18:13:09 2002 (#13180)

You sound like you need someone to tak to babe, im do not SI but if it will help at all ill alwyas listen, maybe you need to sit down with your mum and talk it all through try and help her to undrstand. Take care Amz xx(star)

It cant rain all the time.

Poison your problem isn't YOUR Problem
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 6 20:29:30 2002 (#13266)

Sweetheart your problem is the same as with most everyone's on the board, environment. And it is true, you cannot keep staying in it the way it is. Because IT (the strife that is in your family, and perhaps others in your life) IS POISONING WHO YOU ARE AND HOW YOU REACT TO LIFE.

Please find someone you can trust to talk to, a counselor at school, a crisis hot line. When I was in school and living with my mother I talked to no one because I could not talk to anyone because I had no clue there was anything to talk about.

People asked me all the time why I ran away from home and I could only say, "I don't Know."

You on the other hand, spoke of your parents fighting because your mother wanted a drink, you also said she yelled at your baby brother, and when she saw you bleeding she did nothing about it except give you a tongue lashing. THOSE ARE THINGS YOU CAN TALK TO COUNSELORS AND PEOPLE AT HOT LINES ABOUT, BECAUSE THOSE ARE "THE PROBLEM"

I'm not a professional counselor, but I don't think it takes a professional to see that you've found blades your friends because for a moment or two they take you our of THE PROBLEM and give you a little control.

But trust me, cutting isn't changing your enviornment, and as your environment continues to grow worse your cutting will increase and your life will be in danger.

Speaking as a cutter like you I know that those first steps of letting the words past my lips was the hardest thing I had done for myself up to that point. I had it drilled into my scalp that NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE ME, NO ONE WOULD HELP ME, AND THAT I WOULD BE PUNISHED FOR WHATEVER HAPPENED. I learned those were all lies to keep me silent.

If you get help for YOU, it may be the first ripple in getting help for your baby brother who needs someone bigger to help him. You don't wan't him to start cutting some day do you? I'm here if you need someone to talk to....Love and Hugs...Dawn

Re: Poison your problem isn't YOUR Problem
Posted by michelleb7003 on Sat Jan 12 06:26:10 2002 (#13357)

will you please get back to me if you know about child regressed memory.i was molested when i was young but no memory.i was looking for other's like me.thank you

new and confused
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 1 11:34:39 2002 (#13173)

hi im emma im 15 blonde green eyes five foot one wieghing in at 58kgs (alot lower than i was last year) my hobbies are cutting my skin and watching it bleed. my fave foods are anything thats easy to avoid or vomit up.i think alot about suicde and have been diagnosed with moderate to severe depression.

wow thats a new and exciting way to make people like you dont you think. ive been cuttig for a year now and about a month ago in a moment of insainty i told my parents i was forced into therapy which i hate.

ive just had this thing on my mind that i wanted to say to people that might not htink that what i do is horrible.

there is this guy and he believes that he is in 'love' with me. he is the only person that has known about me and what i do for a long time and hasnt dithed me or ignored oit or forced me to to do anything about it. (by the way he is hot as hell 6 pac smooth skin blue eyes.) so right now you are thinking ok so what are you complaining about whats wrong with the guy? he treats you like an angel.

see the thing is there is nothing wrong with him its me im horrible to him. first of all i dont feel the same way and like to play with his feeling i like you one miniute i hate you the next. i threaten to not speak to him if he doesnt do something for me like sya pick up a pen. and the worst thing is i fully cut myself right in front of him i like to see the pain on his face i like for him to get upset and make me stop.

dont think im horrible hes the only person i do this to and i dont even know why i feel so bad and if any one else knew aboutt his stuff theyd hate me i just need. i dont know whta i need im confused

Re: new and confused
Posted by *Poison on Tue Jan 1 16:23:39 2002 (#13177)

it sounds to me, and i'm probably wrong because i assume that i know a lot more than i usually do, but it seems that maybe you want someone else to stop u as he does. maybe there is someone that you want to love you as he does. or maybe you want to see someone else suffer, like...you want to show them that they hurt you and now you want them to feel all the hurt and pain that you do, you are just taking it out on this guy because you can't show the person you want to. ?????i dunno just a guess.

Amanda

Re: new and confused
Posted by Linda on Tue Jan 1 16:53:51 2002 (#13178)

Could it be that you can not believe someone could love you unconditionally. You see, if you can't love yourself, it is hard to ALLOW someone else to love you. Don't know if this is even close or will help but it came to my mind so I wrote it.

Re: new and confused
Posted by CryingRedTears on Tue Jan 1 17:53:59 2002 (#13179)

yea-i was thinking the same thing...

you have just experienced a mind dribble by: brittany

Re: new and confused
Posted by confused on Wed Jan 2 12:20:59 2002 (#13187)

thanks for your advice. you actually got most things right. im still confused though. ithink its coz i already knew the answer but just didnt know what to to with it

" advice is someting you ask for when you know the answer but wish you didnt" - unknown

Re: new and confused
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 3 14:31:28 2002 (#13214)

I don't want to try to sound as if I am pushing religion on you so if you are offended by a religious comment, you may quit reading this at this point. If you are not and are open to thinking about it, here is my advice. We usually all understand how really awful we are. It is hard for most people to care about themselves because we KNOW what is on the inside. It is pretty easy to cover that and put up a good front BUT we still deal with what we know is the truth. There is only one place to settle thar---at the feet of the One who paid for all that sin-Jesus. He has taken our sin and covered it with His own blood but He will not force that gift of love on us. If we take the gift, we are then free to understand that WE are nothing but HE is everything and He will make us a new creature. He will not change our bodies at this point but He will send His Holy Spirit into us to teach us and guide us into conforming into His image. Then and only then will we be able to love ourselves. We are His creation and He longs for us to come to Him. Hope this helps. If you would like to discuss this further, you may email me.

Feels so good because it hurts so bad
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 1 20:11:51 2002 (#13181)

Hi everyone, happy new year and maerry christmas I know Im a little late but still I havent been here in a while. I hope evryone stayed safe... I havent cut in a while well up until today, the first fucking day of the year. What a way to start off the new year eh! Stay on your meds, I thought I wasnt depressed anymore, I started doing drugs again, stopped taking my meds and the other day I tired to hang myself in my friends bathroom..I snapped out of it I guess you could say and I stopped mtself, but today I slit open my wrist. It was wierd I havent cut in suchh a long ass tiem that the blood just kept flowing, I didnt think it was ever gonna stop, but I wasnt scared. pretty sonn im gonna be an "offical" adult, my b-day is in feb. and then Im not going to be able to go into the childresnmental faclities im so used to running to when times get tough. Im okay though, I guess for the most part and I hope allllll of you, the ones I know and love and the ones I dont know at all are very safe and also happy..cuz thats important too love you much XOXOXOX -KAT

Re: Feels so good because it hurts so bad
Posted by mego on Tue Jan 1 23:26:02 2002 (#13182)

damn. good luck, if i knew something to tell you to make it better, i'd say something but i'm afraid to make things worse. if you ever need to talk about ANYTHING, just write me some mail, okay?

Kat; my friend, I'm here
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 6 20:56:53 2002 (#13267)

I've missed you. I haven't been here much lately myself, but I learned several years ago that going off my meds is a bad thing.

I care a lot for you and want you to be safe, just as you want everyone to be safe to. Taking meds levels out our moods and helps up to survive our lives better than almost anything else.

I'm not ragging on you. I learned my lesson the same way you and everyone else seems to have to learn things "THE HARD WAY"

I know you believe in God and I believe it was the Holy Spirit that helped snap you out of it and called you back to sanity when you tried to hang yourself.

I'm sure glad He did. I'd miss you terribly. Email me please....love and hugs

new years eve...fun
Posted by mego on Tue Jan 1 23:40:22 2002 (#13183)

i got too drunk last night but its okay because i was with my best friends, having a great time. i felt so happy, like nothing could ever bring me down and i never realised until now why my mom drinks every night. its her outlet, her way of escaping everything here thats hurting her, her way of escaping me and all the troubles i put on her. like my cutting is my escape. the only difference is that her drinking effects everyone around her, my cutting is only me. and that we try to take her happiness, her drinking, away from her, and nobody tries to stop me. shit, it makes me feel bad. but drinking really is nice. i forgot everything, even the open cuts that won't heal and have been driving me crazy. shit, i should do that more often. weed is only bringing me down more lately, i forget, but when i'm coming down from it i have time to sit and think, which isn't bad. i talked to nell today, she said something about rolling again, and all i can think is why not?? its supposed to be amazing, like nothing else in the world. steve described it once for me "its like waking up, and you just won the lottery, you have a car that actually runs, a huge house, all your friends are happy and youre not fighting with anyone... and you will never run out of cigarettes. its complete happiness". now, i shouldn't look to steve for advice on anything, he just got outta juvi and hes under house arrest, which is not what i want for myself. ever. but the thought of spending a few bucks on something that makes you feel that good (and what he described is pretty damn close to heaven for him) keeps making me think that maybe it isn't all that bad. i don't want to do it a lot or to get hooked, i just want to be happy like that. i think i'm gonna talk to someone to hook me up with it, everything would be so great if everything worked out. shit... it sounds like a good idea now, but will i regret it later? i hope not.

Re: new years eve...fun
Posted by Drew on Wed Jan 2 03:24:11 2002 (#13185)

WEEEEEEEEEEEE new years = fun!!!!!!..

Damb hangover.

thecuttat@#zldxhgxdcsAK GK

Re: new years eve...fun
Posted by fucked on Wed Jan 2 20:14:50 2002 (#13191)

you're stupid if you think that your cutting only affects you. Dumbass, it affects everyone around you. Get a clue.

FUCKED
Posted by mego on Wed Jan 2 21:33:46 2002 (#13195)

how does it affect everyone around me?? nobody else knows about it except the people on this website! don't start bitching at people unless you know what you're talking about, which you obviously don't.

Re: FUCKED
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Jan 2 22:04:39 2002 (#13196)

lets please not start all fighting again...and lets stop with the no names

thanks!

Re: FUCKED
Posted by *Poison on Thu Jan 3 03:52:05 2002 (#13207)

well...i think that what fucked was trying to say, is that when /if people know about ityou are affecting them, you are affecting the people on this board when you harm yourself. we read your posts and are affected by it, it either reminds us of ourselves or who knows what. but everything that everyone does affects someone, in some way....don't mind me i'm just babbling

Amanda

Re: FUCKED
Posted by mego on Fri Jan 4 02:05:53 2002 (#13218)

then if its such a problem i'll stop coming here. sorry.

Re: FUCKED
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Jan 4 02:26:12 2002 (#13219)

please...keep coming here...dont let what one person thinks stop you from coming here.

-mego
Posted by *Poison on Fri Jan 4 03:15:06 2002 (#13221)

Mego, i didn't mean what i said to sound as if u should leave, i don't think so at all. plz stay. i'm just messed up, i don't even remember posting that...but i guess i did obviously. i'm sorry. please don't leave.

amanda

Re: -mego
Posted by mego on Fri Jan 4 20:04:22 2002 (#13228)

shit is so fucked up over here. my mom read my diary, poems, notes. she knows. she said she didn't love so i asked if i could leave. she told me not to come back. i knocked on a friends window, he called tim for me. tim came and got me and i stayed w/ him and nell last night. around 12:30, i called my mom to let her know where i was. she told me she'd made it clear that i wasn't to go to nell's. i told her i didn't know where else to go. she freaked out, saying she should call the police. SHE TOLD ME NOT TO COME HOME. how can she now say that she should call the police? she's talking about finding somewhere for me to stay. she keeps blaming me for everything, saying how bad the things i write hurt her. then why the hell is she reading them?? i had them in a spot where, if they were found, it was clear that they were hidden. what the fuck is wrong with her? she's asking how i would feel if i knew she was cutting herself and writing things like that about her. i told her that i wouldn't have gone looking for them. then she simply said "no, you didn't hide them. you knew i was reading them". and just won't take anything else for an answer. i don't know where i'm staying. kristine already has a cousin, an aunt, and a grandma with her, i can't stay at nell's or my mom will call the police. shit. i'm screwed. i don't know why i came back here. just like i came back home. i'm not strong enough to leave anything i'm famillar with.

Re: -mego
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Jan 4 22:55:05 2002 (#13230)

where do you live babe?

Re: -mego
Posted by mego on Sat Jan 5 00:14:03 2002 (#13234)

near chicago. now we're talking again like everything is okay-a little uncomfortable, but okay. i don't think she thought i would really leave last night. i think she thought i would just come back in an hour or so like i always do. but when i didn't come home and i didn't call until around twelve-thirty this afternoon, i think she got scared. i think that now she realises that i'm serious and that i'm not putting up with her shit. maybe its better this way. i just want things to be like they were when i was little. my dad didn't even know i was gone. shit. last night i had a dream that i slept with tim. he promised that nothing would change and that he loved me, then afterwards brandy, his girlfriend, was there, and he wouldn't talk to me. he kept laughing at me and wouldn't talk to me like he always does. it was crazy. not that i think it meant anything, cause he hasn't flirted with me much lately, and he's getting along with brandy as far as i know. they're talking about getting married, that would be awesome. he'd be so happy. he really loves her, he'd do anything to make her happy. i wish she'd see it. i'm babbling. sorry.

irritable
Posted by confused on Wed Jan 2 14:11:20 2002 (#13189)

i dont see the ponit in stopping.

when i do manage to stop for a while i get pissed off really easily and people get hurt by what i say and then they dont like me anymore.

i know you will say that if they do that then they are bad friends and their opioins shouldnt matter to me. but they do they are my friends.

Re: irritable
Posted by jen on Wed Jan 2 21:26:56 2002 (#13194)

hey i know how you feel i stopped for like 2 weeks and i lost my best friend i just blew up in her face now she like totally hates me i tried sayin sry but she is really pist at me if you ever want to chat or anything just im me at footballgodess87, or major bizotch k l8er dayz! always, jen

Re: irritable
Posted by confused on Thu Jan 3 01:43:45 2002 (#13201)

thanks. its nice to know that maybe its 'normal' for me to be irratible. why do they hate us though? its almost as if they dont wnt us to stop.

um . . . new
Posted by Kimberlee on Wed Jan 2 20:04:59 2002 (#13190)

to this board anyway. cutting is old news for me. i stopped for about a month, but recently i decided to face the demons of my past . . . and the stress was just too much. i started cutting again. i need help.

Re: um . . . new
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Jan 2 22:10:29 2002 (#13197)

welcome!!! hopefully everything will work out, this board is a huuuuuge help!

Re: um . . . new
Posted by confused on Thu Jan 3 01:45:31 2002 (#13202)

a month is a long time to stop.

did anything bad happen to kick start yuou or am i just babbling?

Re: um . . . new
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 6 21:30:32 2002 (#13268)

Welcome Kimberlee. Cutting is an addiction that is difficult one to break. I tell people cutting does something for me nothing else does, I know that while I'm doing it IT is my full focus and so for the moment all other things are more or less out of my mind, and the pain, or anger, or confusion, or hurt I felt before I began my cutting ritual seems far away.

But it doesn't stay away. After taking care of my wound everything is back, but if I have a dandage on it is like the bandage absorbs the other issues and I do not recut, or cut again as long as the bandage is in place.

Hope that helped... you can email me any time. Except Wednesday the 9th I will be having surgery on my right thumb knuckle so I will be pretty out of it most the day.....Love and hugs....Dawn

ok, i am getting so beyond ANGRY at controls!!!!
Posted by *me* on Wed Jan 2 21:12:44 2002 (#13193)

Parental controls have (yet again, what a surprise) blocked me from the new board. Baaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!! Ok *puts on a puppy dog look and says in a sickeningly sweet tone* would someone mind telling me if anyone replied to my post? I'm sort of confused and if anyone has replied with anything I would love to see what they have said..and I dunno when I'll be able to get back on that site. If someone would kindly C+P whatever, if anything, has been posted in response, I would love you forever. haha. Thanks so much! Take care and stay safe!!

Re: ok, i am getting so beyond ANGRY at controls!!
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Jan 2 22:17:42 2002 (#13198)

oh sweetie, putting your health in danger is not the way to get help. and besides if you do get sent to a dr, and you tell them you cut then they will tell your mom anyway. love you! ~elle~

this one is from pink girl

just wanted to let u know that i undestand completly what ur on about. i am trying just to loose weight sensibaly but i could so easily keep cutting down on food as i have twice before gone thru times of suvriving on one meal a day at home and pretending that i had eaten at school. so just take care and im here if u ever want to talk. love 'n' hugs take care xxx

you dont NEED someone else to get help for YOU.. if you want help you can go to the doctors yourself and they will help you, that is what they are there for, they arent going to turn you away. It sounds to me like it is attention that you crave, rather than help, which ever way.. hope you get it sorted.. Love Always. CriMsOn*TeArS

this one is from jes

hey, just a thought, what's wrong with one meal a day? maybe i'm wierd. but that's what i have normally. sometimes a bit more but not mostly. ok, i'll shut up now. xx

Re: ok, i am getting so beyond ANGRY at controls!!
Posted by imahotie on Thu Jan 3 01:50:02 2002 (#13203)

i often only have one meal a day. i think its finr like that. if i have more im likely to want to vomit or hurt myself coz i feel bad or fat. for a while i completely starved myself but i began fainting in p.e. and on the way to school. as long as you feel healthly and happy with what you are eating dont let anyone stop you.

*me* - you get blocked...
Posted by elle on Thu Jan 3 03:17:56 2002 (#13206)

from the new board when people post cuss words in their titles. someone wrote happy fuc*ing new year as their subject line so i guess you are blocked till that gets old. controls suck. tell your mom to change them

to kim, imahotie, and elle
Posted by *me* on Sun Jan 6 02:56:17 2002 (#13259)

Hey Kim - thanks for posting the responses! I'm going to respond on the other board, which I'm not blocked from today! Imahotie, thanks for plying here so I could read it! And elle, controls suck beyond belief!! My mom said she was going to take them off (completely surprised me bc she was adament about keeping them and it came out of the blue), but she changed her mind and was like, "all I have is explicit sites blocked, why do you need those?" and we got into an argument and she doesn't believe me that like, everything is blocked (remember when I was blocked from the bearded dragon website? arrgh). Ok...well thanks again to everyone.

I understand your anger, but give me a listen
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jan 7 00:38:19 2002 (#13272)

When I first bought my webtv unit I was all excited and when to "New To Webtv Chat Room". Everything was cool for a couple of days, but then I got a vulgar email, with pics from some creep who had figured out my email address from some of the responses I made on that chat line. He wasn't the only one. Both invited me to go to another chat room that is not censored. With my history of rape, I flipped out, and felt so violated I errased everything under that address, which was one of my main addresses.

I've know teenagers who went on different site and the lurkers gathered enough information about them that they went so far as to email the girls and give them a taste of the information they had gathered, without ever once chatting with the girls. These SI boards have lurkers too. And because we talk about such intimate things even I am careful. We don't know who is lurking in the shadows reading posts and never posting or responding, but gathering information. We also cannot be certain that people are who they say they are or the age or gender they tell us.

I do not mean to frighten any of you. But I know how much information can be gathered off this board because I gathered some information from the board, and emails, and the Whitepages, and library maps and was able to tell the police just where Becky lived and was able to get her help when she was severely suicidal. Some of the information Becky gave me herself and I told her before hand the information I had and assurred her I would not share that information with anyone unless her life was in danger. And when I made the call I wept.

I may be even older than some of your parents and I am wise enough to know that there things that controls are needed to protect young teens. You may feel and think you are grown up and have the knowledge and wisdom to make your own choices. But I at 49 can look back and see I needed protection, and am even angry that I didn't get it. Love and Hugs....Dawn

Dawn...
Posted by *me* on Mon Jan 7 23:11:25 2002 (#13279)

I understand what you are saying, but I am not the type of person who goes and gives away personal information. You know that yourself because I won't give out my real name. I don't use my name or normal email on this board, or on any other board I post at, and chat rooms freak me out completely! I am very cautious online. My settings are that "mature sites are blocked," and I can understand self injury being blocked, but the fact is that I am blocked from various other things that have nothing "mature" in them. I also think it is quite ridiculous for me to be blocked from things that I have written myself, which happens often.

Anyways, thanks for your concern. Take care and stay safe!

dang dawn, you scared me!
Posted by elle on Tue Jan 8 01:30:48 2002 (#13280)

that is kinda scary to think all those snerts are out there reading our words and getting sick pleasure from it. yuck.

i'm new and looking for help
Posted by susan on Wed Jan 2 22:17:47 2002 (#13199)

Hey i am new to the board and i hope someone can help me. This is the first time i've ever been depressed. I'm 14 and wish i had never been born. i want to hide from the world cuz everyone seems to hate me or make fun of me. I cut myself b/c it relieves my pain but now i can't stop doing it. please hilp.

Re: i'm new and looking for help
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 2 23:44:42 2002 (#13200)

be tough, take care of yourself. Your gonna be okay! you can make yourself change right now, start now turn yourself around find out whats really making you depressed and work those feelings out with someone.defiinently ask someone you trust for help because its hard thing to do alone take care sweetheart good luck..I hope evrything works out for you love-KAT!

Re: i'm new and looking for help
Posted by confused on Thu Jan 3 01:54:07 2002 (#13204)

its ok you arent a freak most of us here have depression or have some sort of eating disorder. and i know that i like you feel like every one hates me. but the truth is not everyone does youve got me and every one else here for you. if you want to talk or tell somebody your story email me at iamahotie@hotmail.com

Re: i'm new and looking for help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jan 4 03:49:31 2002 (#13222)

Hi Susan, Welcome to the board. This is a good place to come.Okay, here comes all th questions, do your parents know, would they help you out, if not, do you know an adult you could trust who would help you? Sorry about the questions. See, I'm a parent of a cutter and I try to help others here. I don't judge cause that doesn't ever help. It just makes everyone involved feel worse. HOney, if your parents won't listen and you want help, find a precher or a teacher. They will get someone who will help you. We didn't know what to do, so we called out local police and they were wonderful. Yesterday was Tara's, my daughter, last appointment with her therapist. She only has to call if she feels she needs some help. You will never know how PROUD!! of her I am. She has worked very hard to overcome all this. Please try to find someone to help you before it gets too much more further along. If you need anyone to talk to, just email me. Take care. Love, Rhonda

Ther is hope
Posted by Joni on Thu Jan 10 07:53:00 2002 (#13318)

Dear Susan,

I to know how it feels like to feel the need to cut myself.I myself never wanted to die I just wanted to learn how to live.It took well over 10 hospitilizatons and six years to realize I did not have to cut myself. Through therepy and learning coping skills I have not cut on myself for over 3 years.I hope it does not take you all that long to realize nothing is worth cutting yourself over.When the urge hits you do something to occupy yourself or talk to someone.I hope thing get better for you.

Re: i'm new and looking for help
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 17 04:56:13 2002 (#13473)

its know its so hard. you are never alone.

love,

Crystal

Can't take it anymore....
Posted by Dacey on Thu Jan 3 07:03:58 2002 (#13208)

I've never posted here before...only lurked...and i just need to vent. in the course of a month...my life has changed so much..from bad to worse. i can't find the good in things anymore...no matter how hard i try. the only comfort and good point of my day is knowing i can curl up in my corner with my razor and be okay...then i can feel again..smile..laugh..just be myself....

Re: Can't take it anymore....
Posted by confused on Thu Jan 3 10:16:00 2002 (#13210)

hey i know exacltly how you feel you are all so not you when things go wrong and you want to make it better and then you make it better and you can be yourself (or more the person you want ot be again)

email me at iamahotie@hotmail.com i want to hear your story

Re: Can't take it anymore....
Posted by CryingRedTears on Thu Jan 3 16:24:25 2002 (#13215)

dacey-it happens to all of us. unfortunately it is the nature of the beast. but i know just how you feel. i think all day about how i will feel better at 1 or 2 in the morning when i can finally be alone and draw those little lines in my flesh that keep me at a level i can handle. it basically sucks. (woo! brittany's revelation for the day!)

email or IM me sometimes-missourilovescompany @lycos.com or AIM: CryingTearsOfRed if you need to talk or anything.

you have just experienced a mind dribble by: brittany

Re: Can't take it anymore....
Posted by *purr* on Fri Jan 4 08:05:08 2002 (#13224)

Hey, I lurk here too. You can find the good - or I can help you find the good in things - in YOU. You make me smile, you care, you listen, you understand, you write beautifully. I could go on but you know how I feel about you. Remember I always love you.

Please be careful

xxx

Re: Can't take it anymore....
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jan 7 04:32:41 2002 (#13274)

Dacey, first off I want to apologize for my attitude about lurkers. I give no defense. I am just saying my attitude has been out of order and you have changed my life just by posting.

I know how hard life can get and how our mind tell us cutting is our friend that won't let us down. But that is not true. I've cut a lot and if it really worked as good as we think that it does, we would not be in misery any longer, we would not feel discouraged, depressed, unlovable, or angry. We'd be flying high, life would be good and all would be well with the world. But cutting doesn't heal our hurts. And when we get to the "I can't take it anymore" stage we are desperate people.

Since September 11th chchchanging has had a change of heart and mind. My life is not so bad that I wish I had been on one of those planes, or in one of those buildings. Jesus is my Salvation not just from the penalty of my sin. He is my Salvation from my past which he kept me alive. And he is my Salvation from me, how I think, how I feel, the things I contemplate on oppsessively like cutting.

When I first started cutting it was in response to what I was remembering and how it made me feel, then contemplation took over and I contemplated how I could take my life, what I could use, how I could excecute it, then I spent a weekened in a hospital after suicide attempt that failed because I called to cancel an appointment with my doctor. Maybe I didn't really want to die that day. I didn't really. I just wanted an end to the torment. And I found cuttting.

Its been about 13 years now that I have contemplated cutting myself. I've done it well, but since 9:11 I've stopped contemplating how I was going to set the stage to make someting upset me so I'd cut, and the desire has greatly dimminished.

It is because I have contemplated on how good God is to me rather than how bac I am. When you have gone as far as you can go and your can't go another step. Think about Jesus. and it will change you too

fag burns
Posted by ashley on Thu Jan 3 07:21:15 2002 (#13209)

i dont know what happened to me, i was just sitting here last night and all of a sudden i couldnt sit still and i wanted to fuckin break something and i ended up burning my arm with my fag like 5 times and i dont know whats wrong with me i only get like this a few days before an appointment with my the-rapist, please someone tell me that theyve gotten like that before?

Re: fag burns
Posted by confused on Thu Jan 3 10:27:16 2002 (#13211)

ok im a little confused sbout the the-rapist. coz ijm not sure if it means therapist or the rapist but lets pretend it was therapist i gt like that all the time. i think its like that coz i know im going to have to think baout stuff that i dont want to and i kinda try and prepare myself coz i know its going to be painful. i hope that helps.

Re: fag burns
Posted by ashley on Fri Jan 4 07:45:59 2002 (#13223)

yeah, that sounds familiar. it also helps, thank you babe. xoxo, ashley

Re: fag burns
Posted by lol on Fri Jan 4 09:21:54 2002 (#13226)

LMFAO!, Fag burns.... (sigh) heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

nope, never done that with a fag.

Re: fag burns
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Jan 4 22:58:45 2002 (#13231)

im confused about what you're talking about...fag?

Re: fag burns
Posted by . on Wed Jan 9 20:13:41 2002 (#13302)

a fag is a cigarette, you dumbasses

Re: fag burns
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Sat Jan 12 00:09:45 2002 (#13351)

sorry... i never heard anyone call it that and its kinda umm rude

Re: fag burns
Posted by Robyn on Mon Jan 14 04:54:32 2002 (#13402)

Fag is a common term for a cigarette in Europe.

Re: fag burns
Posted by Joni on Mon Jan 14 05:04:34 2002 (#13405)

Ashley,

You really confused me also. I thought you were talking about homosexuals. I have over 100 burns on my arms from cigerettes. I know exactly how you felt. It was over 4 years ago for me but I remember it like yesterday.I always cut myself before I went to the therepist. Even after my parents found out and told I actually was a little relieved after they found out. I was never out for attention cutting was like a drugfor me. I thought I might finally get the help I needed. I did not have to suffer alone anymore.I know how hard it is to quit doing but hun I know for a fact it can be done.It is a very slow process but there is coping skills that will help. That and someone you feel comfortable talking to. Email me if you want to.Good Luck

in the hospital again... out now....
Posted by lys on Fri Jan 4 00:47:31 2002 (#13217)

well, my friend called afterhours on me because i was suicidal. I can't blame her, I would have done the same thing for her. But they commited me. I was in for 3 days, lockup and then in a bed, and if I left the bed without telling the nurse first, then I was told I would be locked up again. I was freaking out, on the ER floor I got so paranoid and scared, I just freaked out. I couldn't have left that bed if I was allowed to, I was so scared. Now I am back at home, and I am still feeling the same way, but I am not about to tell anyone again. I may be nuts but I am not completely stupid.... But anyways, I have got to go, I have to do some grocery shopping... take care everyone...

Re: in the hospital again... out now....
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Jan 4 02:55:23 2002 (#13220)

im glad you're back!

Re: in the hospital again... out now....
Posted by Drew on Fri Jan 4 09:18:07 2002 (#13225)

The nerve of her. Imagine that, calling people because you're suicidal.

I know I hate it when someone cares if I live or die. yup, I'd have to say she'd make my enemies list if I were you. ?:|?

good to know you'r out and safe, take care.

thecutthatneverheals :)

drew, drew, drew.....
Posted by lys on Sun Jan 6 22:19:34 2002 (#13270)

I am not at all angry at her for calling afterhours. As I am sure you know, I have done the samefor people I am close to in the past. And I would again in the future. It sounds like you are still bitter though, although it was more than a year ago. maybe it is time to get over it???

Re: drew, drew, drew.....
Posted by drew. on Tue Jan 8 21:08:18 2002 (#13288)

I am so not bitter. I'm just buggin you. nope, no bitterness here. :)

Drew.

Re: in the hospital again... out now....
Posted by CryingRedTears on Fri Jan 4 16:23:36 2002 (#13227)

yes---i also learned that hard fun Baker-Acted way that if you ever have any plans-never, i mean never write them down ANYWHERE. oh yea-and what a friend she is to break confidence like that...*coughs bullshit! coughs*

you have just experienced a mind dribble by: brittany

Make Me Cut
Posted by Alana on Fri Jan 4 21:48:59 2002 (#13229)

Yah, so its been awhile since I've written here. Sorry about that. I've been struggling. Struggling to get away from everything that reminds me of hurting myself. The computer is one of them. I've deleted all my contacts on msn that I met because of cutting, I've stopped visiting sites that have to do with cutting, and I've taken done all my paintings from my walls that I painted when I was suicidal. The problem is....I miss it. I miss my life of pain. Don't get me wrong, the pain is always there and forever will be, but the atmosphere is gone. I created that atmosphere over a period of 4 years, and I just turned my back on everything I had accomplished...or is it the opposite. I don't know how to live without my self inflicting atmosphere, and I don't know how to live with the stares from my scars. I miss hiding away. I hate being all out here for everyone to see. I called my therapist today, whom I haven't seen in a good 2 and a half months....you're probably wondering why I stopped going to see him right? Well, he was finding out too much about me, I had revealed an awful lot and it was making me sick watching him look at me without any barriers up between us. BUT I called him, because I want to settle everything. I want to tell him about my drug problem and how its progressed over the past month or so. I want to tell him about the internet and hows its royally fucked me up over the past 2 years. I want to tell him how I'm proud of my scars. I want to tell him about my lost love and how I still feel so much hurt over what happened almost a year ago now. I want to tell him how alone I am. I want to tell him to make me cut, cuz without cutting I am nobody with no emotions, no pain, and no friends. I want to tell him that I'm scared of death yet crave it every morning when my eyes open. Most of all, I want to tell him that I'm sad :^(

So make me cut. I've put up all my paintings again, and I've been listening to the music I was into about a year ago to recapture my atmosphere of cutting. I'm writing here again, and I'm looking over photos of people who once loved me. I think it'll work. I haven't cut for almost 2 months now...but I don't want it like that. I didn't deliberately plan to stop, I just haven't had anything to cut about. I sit there every night tracing a razor over my scarred to shit arms just hoping I can find somewhere deep in my soul the urge to hurt who I am. But, it's disappeared. Who am I without cutting? Who am I after cutting? Fuckin nobody.

Thanks for listening.

Alana

PS "It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not." - no wonder I'm not loved here, only hated.

Re: Make Me Cut
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Jan 4 23:08:50 2002 (#13232)

i know that feeling...when your afraid to almost be happy, becuase you have not been happy in so long. and i have to admitt i like it and i also love my scars, i dont know what to tell you, but you are very loved here. if you just need to talk pllllease email me..i also have aim (cuzkimmipooluvsu) and yahoo m. (red_tears2144), i hope everything works out for you babe

Re: Make Me Cut
Posted by better shoot myself on Fri Jan 4 23:11:00 2002 (#13233)

what makes you feel so empty?

i haven't has the urge to hurt myself for a long period as well (btw which music do you listen to?).

you are not hated. not by everyone. i liked you as we talked for a short period of time.
:)

what is so unstaisfying about your everyday life that you feel the way you feel?

*hug*

don't give up... teresa

Re: Make Me Cut
Posted by Alana on Sat Jan 5 02:33:20 2002 (#13238)

Lack of love makes me feel so empty. I listen to rock. Unsatisfaction in my life is that I'm working towards nothing, and will always be nothing and alone.

Love, aLaNa

Re: Make Me Cut
Posted by Nuni on Sat Jan 5 06:59:02 2002 (#13239)

Alana, I think what you are going through is incredible. If you only knew, e-mail me. Lets talk. OBTW~ noone hates you. I alienate myself the same way too. I tell myself that I may have offended someone when I am only saying innocent things that are on my mind. Before I know it I turn myself into a horrible person, but I know I am not. Therefore, I alienate myself. Do you think maybe its what you do? So that you dont have to LOVE someone that may HURT you. Im sorry someone caused you SO much pain that you think everyone hates you. But we dont. I decided something just now, I love you and I dont care if you dont love me.. becuase I recognize your emptiness. Nuni

Re: Make Me Cut
Posted by jes on Sat Jan 5 12:36:20 2002 (#13241)

i think i get it. i mean, it made senseto me because that's how i have felt soo many times when i've managed to stop the cutting but haven't managed to stop feeling the way i do. i can never understand why, if i feel like this, do i not need to cut any more? sometimes i do. like now. i am cutting at the moment (i don't mean ltterally NOW). it's all so confusing. it's like all of the bonds i've built up with ppl over the past year or so have been between me and the other me. the one who cuts. most of my 'now' friends have never known me to be otherwise. i don't like the me that it hidden so why should they? i can't pull myself out, and when i get close, i get scared of the change. i'll stop rambling now and hope i make at least a little sense???? xxx

Re: Make Me Cut
Posted by justnobody on Mon Jan 7 11:48:43 2002 (#13278)

i've never posted here before but i wanted to say that i know how you feel alana and i am going through it at the moment. i stop myself when i feel happy and do all i can to depress myself again. i don't even want to cut anymore, i feel repulsed by it, but i force myself to feel it anyway. i just want to want to cut if that makes sense. i feel so terrified to be happy, i don't deserve to feel that way.i play all the same songs i used to cut to. I know I am lying to myself in a big way and i feel all confused. I hate feeling this way.

Re: Make Me Cut
Posted by michelleb7003 on Sat Jan 12 06:31:42 2002 (#13358)

damn,so many who feel my pain.i was molested and i can no longer control my cutting.i was loking for advice.ty,michelle.

hotel
Posted by mego on Sat Jan 5 00:19:58 2002 (#13235)

i'm going to a hotel in a few weeks, in the Wis. Dells, one with an indoor waterpark and everything. its going to suck. it means that i am going to have to actually get into a swimming suit, it means shopping for one cause my other one is too big. it means looking in a dressing room mirror and crying because of how i look, then having mom yell at me, tell me to shut up because i made myself this way. i'm 5'3", 120 lbs. but all of my friends who are the same are so damn skinny and i'm still fat. i don't get it. what the hell is goin on???

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

WAIT, NOT DONE YET
Posted by mego on Sat Jan 5 00:27:24 2002 (#13236)

and here's the worst part. the friend i ended up inviting to go with, i invited mainly because i know i look better in a bathing suit than she does and i am sick of being with friends and having guys hit on them and ignore me. oh my god. why am i like this?? that is so shitty of me. fuck. why the hell would i do this? she doesn't do things like that to me. she wouldn't. i have been pretty damn close with this girl since i was five. thats ten years. and what the hell am i thinking? i knew it was bad, but just after writing this and really seeing it in frot of me, i can't even describe what i'm feeling. guilt, anger, pain, FURY. its going deeper than all that. as a person, i don't deserve to live. everyone is always telling me how nice i am, i even got a few votes for homecoming queen, when everyone knows that thats that last thing i wanted, i didn't even go. if they only knew. if they only fucking knew anything. why are they so stupid? why can't they see what i really am? oh my god. fuck!! goddammit. what the hell? i need to go. shit.

incubus
Posted by mego on Sat Jan 5 01:06:11 2002 (#13237)

hey, if anyone likes incubus' old cd, their new one, morning view, is really good. i'm listening to it, its really relaxing, almost as relaxing as a cigarette, i swear to god. its crazy. this is the first time i've listened to it all the way through and its awesome. alright, i'm dumb, just wanted everyone to know.

Re: incubus
Posted by CryingRedTears on Mon Jan 7 04:12:54 2002 (#13273)

yea...but some of it is waaay overplayed...just thought i would share

you have just experienced a mind dribble by: brittany

Re: incubus
Posted by mego on Wed Jan 9 04:49:29 2002 (#13296)

hell yeah, i hate that. the whole cd is good though

Just a reminder to you all.
Posted by thecutthatneverheals on Sat Jan 5 11:51:49 2002 (#13240)

hey ppl. I know how hard life is with the parents, friends, work, stress and all. And I know the holidays are my worst time of year (Dec. 21 to be exact) but any-who, with all the modern day chariot races across cesspool of life and the back stabbing highlands that just never seam to end until you're so sick of it all you just want to STAB A KNIFE INTO YOUR BRAIN!!!!.

I just thought it's been awhile on this board since someone sent out a general thank you for all the support that you so freely give, and for that I love you all :) I never would have been able to stop cutting without this bored and I know that those of you that want it bad enough will stop in time. Any-who2 hope maybe for those of you who took the time to read this that your day may carry a little lighter:) laters.

Drew :))

Re: Just a reminder to you all.
Posted by jes on Sat Jan 5 12:40:38 2002 (#13242)

i'll second that one. thank-you.xxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: Just a reminder to you all.
Posted by mego on Sat Jan 5 22:59:27 2002 (#13248)

you're totally right. i haven't stopped to thank anyone in a long time. so, first of all, if i've ever helped you with anything, you're welcome. whether or not i have talked to you personally, i'd like to say thanks to everyone. your support and the posts you have put up of your own experiences have helped me deal with a lot of things that i'm having troubles with and you guys are helping me so much right now. thanks to everyone. especially drew for reminding me that i have all of you to be thankful for. peace. mego

grrr
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Sat Jan 5 19:00:33 2002 (#13243)

okay...i was never blocked from the new forum, but now i am. it's really odd, i dont have parental controls on my computer. hmm...grr

getting help
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Sat Jan 5 20:38:07 2002 (#13244)

okay. i was going to tell my mom last night about me cutting myself for the first time. but we were talking, and she made a comment about how she does not understand how people my age can be so messed up. so i couldnt i dont want her to think that i am messed up or something..even though i am. by the end of this week i am making myself tell one of my parents. i could tell my dad, but i never tell him anything, and i know he will think it is all his fault, and i dont want to cause him anymore stress he already is having heart problems and all. i could talk to my brother (he already knows) and ask him to talk to one of our parents or something. i dont know. i just want them to know. i dont know why. i am getting worse. i was so happy like two days ago. why am i so depressed now? fuck being bi polar. it's not fair. i hate it.

Re: getting help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jan 5 22:14:24 2002 (#13245)

Hey *kim*, This is gonna be a "mom" answer, so if you don't want to take the advice, don't worry about it. Most parents I know think that kids are messed up in some form anyway so why don't you try to go ahead and talk to your parents. They may (hopefully) surprise you. And yes, I thought it was my fault at first with Tara, but I did come to realize it had nothing to do with me personally. I know that there are some parents who are at fault by not being in touch with their kids. Maybe your brother could be there with you when you tell them and show that he supports you. If you're lucky and have parents that care and want to help, you won't believe how much better that will make you feel. Just please consider talking to them. If you want to ask me any questions, email me or I'll even talk to your parents if you want. I'll do anything to help you. Let me know,okay? Take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: getting help
Posted by mego on Sat Jan 5 22:52:32 2002 (#13247)

if i were you, i'd have your bro say something about it to them, it might be easier that way. good luck, i hope everything works out okay for you. peace. mego

SOMEONE HELP PLEASE
Posted by mego on Sat Jan 5 22:50:17 2002 (#13246)

I was at nells and it was just me tim and brandy. i was fine, and all of a sudden i got really dizzy and fell down. we all laughed about it, but i really didn't feel well. i got up after a minute to get some water, and everything got really blurry and out of focus. i couldn't hear well, and my hands were shaking and i was really dizzy, and felt like i was going to throw up. i dont remember it, but tim and brandy said i fell again. the next i remember is brandy was putting my head in her lap and tim got a cold cloth for brandy to put on my head. he was trying to get me to drink some water and kept asking me over and over "what drugs did you take? megan, you're scaring me. look at me, megan. what did you take? you're my little sister, dont do this. can you breathe okay? hey, look at me what did you take megan? are you listening?" and everything was so damn confusing. i was sweating and brandy kept telling tim to feel my head, and that i was hot. i couldn't really feel anything, i was all numb and tingily but my legs were freezing. after a few minutes a could sit up, and a few minutes later i was standing and walking around, but i was still dizzy. it scared all of us. i hadn't taken anything at all. i hadn't eaten since breakfast yesterday morning (it happened this morning) and i was wondering if anyone knows what happened or what could have caused it, or if i should see a doctor. someone please help me out here, i'm scared. thanks. mego

Re: SOMEONE HELP PLEASE
Posted by Arielle on Sun Jan 6 01:35:12 2002 (#13254)

That has happened to me before when I don't eat for periods of time. I am severely anemic and so my iron deficiency gets much worse with food deprivation...it makes me dizzy and sometimes pass out. Go to your doctor, you could possibly be anemic.

frustrated
Posted by erica on Sat Jan 5 23:01:32 2002 (#13249)

Hi All, I didn't know where else to go, so I came here. I don't care if anyone listens to me, I don't even think I'm worth listening to, but I just can't take this any more. It's been two months since I last cut. Then I started school again this week. There is just soo much that is expected out of us in my classes. I mean I picked out the classes I thought would be the best one for me. But they are going to be majorly hard. I think I am rushing into school. Last semester I ended up overdosing because I couldn't handle the stress. Now my Mom is getting all defensive and putting down the fact that I don't want to belong to the same church/religion as her. I don't know if I can afford my meds any longer. And my rent is getting to be too expensive. I just can't take it any longer. I don't know what to do. So What do I do? I pull out my trusty friend. The one I know who will never fail me. My knife. And I start cutting. I just didn't know what else to do. Oh man I can't even stop crying. All I can think about is how else to hurt myself. I hate this feeling. It totally sucks. I want to overdose, but last time I had to drink a ton and a half of charcoal, and enemas and a catheter and stuff. I don't want to go through all that again, but I can't take this. I don't know what else to do.

Erica

Re: frustrated
Posted by mego on Sun Jan 6 02:25:43 2002 (#13255)

hey, i know how it is to be stressed out about grades and shit. trust me, you are worth listening to. Don't try to kill yourself, please. Things have to get better. Think about any good time that you've had since the last time you tryed. Anything, something funny a friend said, anything that made you smile. Now think if you really had tryed to kill yourself. You would have missed that moment and, sometimes, its worth living. I don't know if this is helping at all or if its making any sense, but I hope it is. Good luck. If you ever need to talk send me some mail or IM me, (on AOL megox182x)I hope everything works out. Peace. Mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

thanks
Posted by Alana on Sat Jan 5 23:18:54 2002 (#13250)

I'm so happy that the people on this board are so supportive. Thank you to everyone!

Love, Alana

Re: thanks
Posted by mego on Sun Jan 6 02:38:23 2002 (#13258)

thanks alana. you've helped me out so much. i hope everything is going good for you. peace. mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

I'm SCARED! Help.Plz
Posted by Lynne on Sun Jan 6 00:58:54 2002 (#13251)

Hey, this is my first time one this web site and I've already put it in my AOL favourites coz I hope/think it will be useful. I'm 16 and have had suicidal thoughts since I was 12. At the start of 2001 I became really serious about killing myself and bought around 100 paracetamol, knowing that if I took them all at once they were certain to kill me and I wouldn't have had to go through the pain of waking up in hospital and having to face every one. Any way the time came to take my GCSE exams and I didn't revise at all. I didn't think I'd live to see college, I thought I'd be dead by then. Well I'm not and I'm back where I started. I'm running out of pills coz I keep taking a few at a time, trying to get the confidene to take them all. About 3 months ago I started getting annoyed with myself and cutting my arm deep and hard. My friend already suspects something and I'm so scared about what people will think, they're gonna find out sooner or later.....what am I going to do...PLEASE HELP I'm scared.

Re: I'm SCARED! Help.Plz
Posted by mego on Sun Jan 6 02:31:11 2002 (#13256)

i've been here for a few months, and still, i cut myself. i've been cutting for about two years, i'm fifteen. i don't know what to tell you about your friends, except that if its really that important to you to cut (which i'm sure it is, otherwise why would you be here??) find somewhere where nobody will see. i know it sounds terrible, but sometimes cutting is what keeps us from killing ourselves, right?? if i could tell you how to stop, i would. dawn turned to god for her support, which has worked for some. try it out, it could work for you. hasn't done shit for me, but whatever. its all good. not really but saying that makes me sound normal. i'm rambling again. sorry. don't kill yourself, don't take those pills. please. and calm down, don't be afraid. spend some time visiting this site and maybe things will get better. it helps me out a lot. send me some mail if you ever need to talk. peace. mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

cutting
Posted by Arielle on Sun Jan 6 01:31:38 2002 (#13253)

I am seventeen years old, have been living on my own (sometimes homeless, sometimes not) since I was 15. I did speed for the first time at 12, and by 14 had a heroin addict, coke dealer boyfriend who got me hooked on coke, raped me and cheated on me. He beat me up once but I hit him with a baseball bat and took off. He went to jail 3 weeks later. I have overdosed twice, once on coke and once on oxycontin, and attempted suicide twice. I don't know why I am posting this, but some of this stuff I have never told anyone, and it seems safer to tell someone I do not know. Anyway...I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and I have been cutting myself since I was probably 13. it started off with scratching myself or dragging needles across my skin, but has escalated to deep cuts that need stitches, carvings and cigarette burns. I have cut out entire chunks of skin on occasion. I think I am addicted to self mutilation as much as I ever have been to any drug, and it scares me to think of what I am capable of. I am typing this while I have blood running down my arm. I cut myself several hours ago but it won't stop bleeding. I realise this has to end at some point, but I don't know how to make that happen.

Re: cutting
Posted by mego on Sun Jan 6 02:36:53 2002 (#13257)

i know how it you feel-like its safer to tell things to people you don't know. i don't know what to say about all the drugs, i'm not into too many and the friends i have that are... well, what can i say?? they're awesome and i love them, i try to stick by them when things get rough. i've been cutting since i was thirteen, too, but i'm only fifteen now so you've got a couple years on me. shit, i don't know what to say. it sounds like things have been pretty bad for you. wait for a while, until some of the other people who post here get a chance to read this. i'm not very good with advise, but a lot of the others are. if you need to talk send me some mail or IM me if you have AOL (megox182x). good luck. i hope things get better. peace. mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: cutting
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jan 6 19:33:28 2002 (#13264)

Hi Arielle, Since you are on your own, what is the age limit in your state as far as getting help for yourself? Here is Oklahoma, it is 18 years old. IF the cut is still bleeding and is deep go to the ER and get stitches. Realize there is a time limit for getting them. I think it is 6 hours. If it has been longer than that, try pressing down on your pressure point to get the bleeding to stop. On your arm, that is on the inside of your upper arm. When it stops, put some butterfly bandages on it and please keep it very clean. I hope this helps you and if you ever want to talk, just email me. I'll listen. Take care. Love, Rhonda

new
Posted by fallen angel on Sun Jan 13 10:08:16 2002 (#13386)

i'm new to all this online chat stuff. i think somtimes it helps and other times it makes me want to cut more. i don't know why, i think it make me feel like a part of somthing like i belong. i know this sounds stupid... i cut my self to replace crying to... feel alive. when the rest of the world goes numb and lifeless it's the cutting that brings me back to reality. And i would also like to add if Tara's mom reads this.i think you are a wonderful person and wish that there was someone like you that lived near me, someone i could talk to, someone that might understand. You seem like a veary careing mother and friend to all this girls/boys on here. And i envy that wish i had someone to tell my fears and heartachs to. ~forever lost & hopeless

help
Posted by *Poison on Sun Jan 6 04:39:09 2002 (#13260)

help. i don't know how much longer i can take life. i see my therapist monday. and if nothing happens then i'm screwed. monday i'm supposed to talk with him about a long term hospital. i'm afraid of myself, everything looks too inviting. pills, razors, the gun in my mom's bedroom...i just can't take it anymore...any idea's on how to calm myself down enough to tell my counselor? anything? i'm falling desperate into the hands of insafe beings. their lurking in every corner of the room, daring me to grasp them and end it all. staring at me wearing me down with every second that passes. HELP ME

Amanda

Re: help
Posted by mego on Sun Jan 6 05:37:12 2002 (#13261)

calm down bro. try to get out of your house, call someone and tell them not to let you get off the phone until you calm down. don't kill yourself, please. if you need to talk, you can always send me some mail, or IM me (on aol, Megox182x or on hotmail or msn, mego11686). alright?? i hope everything works out okay! good luck. peace. mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: help
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jan 6 19:37:47 2002 (#13265)

Here's a list of things that I do to calm down, hope some of them work for you. Read a good book, talk a long walk, get on the phone and talk to a friend, write a letter to someone you haven't talked to in a while, start writing down your feelings, cook or bake something. that's just some of the things I do. Don't know if it will help any. Take care. Love, Rhonda

I need my knife again
Posted by Lynne on Sun Jan 6 18:04:34 2002 (#13263)

I'm really coming to an end now. I've just spoken to my Mum about college and how I want to drop out, needless to say she went mad at me. I can't carry on pretending I'm alright, I'm dreading going back tomorrow and and trying to stop cutting myself. It's too hard if I don't cut soon I'm gonna go mad. I WANNA DIE!

Re: I need my knife again
Posted by Someone who used to post here alot on Mon Jan 7 08:19:07 2002 (#13277)

Well, being in college my self (first year), I can understand what you're feeling. I HATE college (University, but same deal). IT's absolutely horrible. I don't know about you, but I find it worse than highschool, and that's saying ALOT. So, you're not alone. College is not a good place for SIers, but talking to SIers who have made it through, they're glad they did because it's so much better afterwards. Try and stick with it Lynne.

love and prayers

I know its tough.... but help is on this board
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jan 9 08:30:12 2002 (#13298)

Hi Lynne, I get a warm feeling seeing and writing your name. I have a sister named Lynn.

About your post though, college is stressful, I tried going back 3 or 4 years ago. I had to take Algebra AGAIN, I HATE MATH, I've passed it twice already, but since my breakdown I don't retain things much. I tried to work with a tutor but the day of my first exam the tutor didn't show and I went to take the test anyway. I wigged out, failed supremely and left campus on the first bus, crying all the way, knowing I was going to cut as soon as I got home. But the bus I got on was on its way out so quite a bit of time passed, and I clamed down considerably by the time I got home and my cut wasn't so bad.

Here it is 4 years later.... and that is it....time goes on. our lives take changes. we cannot see the future when we are in the minute... we just have to slow down, breathe deeply and hang in there 1 day, 1 hour, 1 week at a time. I wish you the best

PLEASE ALL READ
Posted by Linda on Sun Jan 6 22:15:15 2002 (#13269)

I am going to copy and paste a part of an email received today from a former member of this community. She has completely turned her life around. She has accepted Jesus as her Savior and has hope now. But a while back she was as hopeless as any girl I have ever spoken with. I am so proud of her and I know that she would be pleased if any of you would listen and make changes before it is too late. She says: "I of course feel sad about what happened, I regret every last second of it, and just wish things had been different, I don't think my problem would have gone so far if not for things like the boards etc. All I ever read were peoples justifications for what they were doing, after a while the behaviour seemed very normal almost like I was doing it to be in that group?? I was just a silly little teenager going through a phase, and it all got blown out of proportion, if I'd never gone to a psychiatrist I would never have got so bad. The ______ messages were just me scribbling my raw emotions at the time, and considering I was very confused it is not surprising how they turned out. It's a sick cycle on the boards, (we've discussed this before I think) I got sucked in and wasn't looking at the world all around me, or thinking about my future and the repercussions.

Sometimes it makes me angry, sometimes upset, especially when it could make getting into medical school very difficult (I have an offer, but they still ask you to go for a medical, and check medical history). The scars are depressing and awkward to deal with/ live with. For instance I have a male friend in ______ that is begging me to come and spend some time there, and I can't go, (have to make excuses), I can't possibly wear a swimming costume or bikini, and it's hard, I love water-skiing and sunbathing! Anyway these are things there is no point discussing because I could go on forever and nothing can change the past now.. it's just unfortunate.

But there is a huge plus in that I met you and of course God!"

I have left blanks in order to protect her privacy. Hope this will help some of you look beyond this point in time. Love to all!!

Re: PLEASE ALL READ
Posted by Nuni on Sun Jan 6 22:30:49 2002 (#13271)

Linda, that is wonderful. I hope that she allows herself to continue making those huge steps!!

Re: PLEASE ALL READ
Posted by Linda on Mon Jan 7 05:31:50 2002 (#13275)

Nuni...just so you know, she made her decision for Jesus in July of 2000 so this is about a year and 1/2 later and it still works!! Praise the Lord it is His power that keeps us and not our own strength!!

Re: PLEASE ALL READ
Posted by elle on Tue Jan 8 01:38:54 2002 (#13281)

I think I agree with a lot of what she has said there. but i also think that once you move on and dont let yourself get sucked into the boards as much they can be helpful. when i was at my worst, the boards only made me worse. i admit it. and now that i have more and i am moving on, i come here to check on old friends and talk. if you dont get into the cycle where you have to read and respond to EVERYTHING i think you are ok. i only read things written by my friends and i rarely respond.

i love you and thank you for changing my life. you are the most incredible person, Linda. I love you.

~elle~

Every 1 Plez Read from Dawn
Posted by Dawm on Wed Jan 9 09:04:13 2002 (#13299)

Hi Linda, time is ticking away. I should be asleep already. The bumped my surgery to 6 AM because I would like them to let me sleep through it. But I wanted to respond to your post.

I very much agree that this board magnifies the problem of SI. Becky is a good example she came on here sweet, loving, full of faith in the Lord, then in just 2 or 3 months she was cutting severly and becoming increasinly suicidal.

But Linda that was a process..... a process of getting to the darkness before the dawn.... There are secrets, secret feelings, secret ideas, secret urges that most of us have successfully stuffed down inside us for a long time. But the time comes when those secrets won't stay down any longer and as they surface we become increasingly worse, and we cut, and we start cutting --- slowly at first, and then more and more, We become like a pot beginning to boil. And that is what we see on this board. And sometimes the pot boils over and lives are lost.

But Linda, good comes from the process too. Look at me. I'm still here by God's Grace and Strength. And should I die tomorrow on the surgical table I will die in peace with God my Savior. But if not I will live to proclaim His Mercy. I've lived through a lot. All of us on here are living lives we didn't ask for, we are survivors! Sometimes we go through dark spells that get darker and darker and we see no end, so we think about quickening that end --- taking charge of it, but most of us don't want to die, we just wat the misery to die.

My message is to reach up to the hand that never fails to hold us up. The Hand of Jesus Christ. and put all the broken pieces of our lives into His hands, ask forgiveness for our sin and for trying to work out our lives by ourselves, and Thank Him in Advance, showing our belief that He is the Answer to all our problems and all our answers. And to hold on even when things get darker still. It may take years as it has with me, but my faith stands firm on the Rock of my Salvation.

I hope I can post tomorrow and let everyone know how surgery went. Its no big surgery. But anytime you go under annithesia it can go sour. But I don't expect any problems. I better get to bed I only have 4 hours and 45 min before I have to get up.

Re: Every 1 Plez Read from Dawn
Posted by Linda on Wed Jan 9 22:05:57 2002 (#13303)

Dawn! I was just wondering if all was well with you. I cannot tell when your surgery is by the posting time on this board. I never do understand exactly what time it was when the person posted. I will be praying for your surgery. Thanks for adding your comments. You put "the rest of the story" to it! :) Love you, Linda

Re: PLEASE ALL READ
Posted by kae on Wed Jan 9 10:52:02 2002 (#13300)

hi....i haven't been here for months.

i just wanted to say that, whoever your friend is, she is right about the psyke message boards. the messages don't help you at all, they just brainwash you into believing that harming yourself is a perfectly acceptable way of coping. it is true that people need to vent their hurt before they hurt themselves, but visiting the board can become dangerous. it is triggering, especially when people describe how they hurt themselves in detail.

i know myself that reading other people's posts on the board made my self-injury worse. i hardly ever post on either board now, and i am cutting less and less.

i hope that everyone i used to know on this board is well and safe...

luv 'n hugz, kae

what I've learned...
Posted by kae on Wed Jan 9 10:53:10 2002 (#13301)

hi....i haven't been here for months.

i know myself that reading other people's posts on the board made my self-injury worse. i hardly ever post on either board now, and i am cutting less and less.

i hope that everyone i used to know on this board is well and safe...

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: what I've learned...
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Thu Jan 10 00:40:08 2002 (#13307)

ok...im starting to think that coming to this board was a bad idea. i thought it would help me talking to ppl who could relate to what i was going through. but i dont want to get worse. i know it sounds weird...but personally--i feel sick to my stomach when i hear other ppl describing what they do to themselves...but i have no problem doing it to myself...u think it'd be the other way around, huh? do u guys think the board has helped u????

~SciSsoRS..... IT HELPS HERE
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jan 10 02:40:02 2002 (#13313)

Scissors & everyone: If you read my plez read from Dawn I would hope that you understand that this board HELPS, but you need to read with caution. Just as your poem was well written, BUT TRIGGERING, we on the board who are given to triggering, resulting in cutting need to be careful with whose post we read.

I for example, have a history of abuse, rape, child abuse and neglect, and have a lot of triggers. Like you, I came here looking for ppl who cut... which in itself leaves us all open to the hazards of this board, which are an almost competition to see who could come up with the most gruesome account of cutting. Therefore, if we want to get better we need to play an active role in whose posts we read so that we are not caught off guard and read something that will make us wiggout and cut ourselves severely.

Which by the way, I should mention that if we are not in a position to get needed medical care we need to be informed on how to treat our wounds.

So what I am saying is come to the board with a determination to get help and get better and find the people who will support us in the best way we need support. Do that and you too will make it.

Re: ~SciSsoRS..... IT HELPS HERE
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Thu Jan 10 22:42:46 2002 (#13329)

thank you....im def. on the road to recovery now that im kinda "out of the closet" so to speak. although it wasn't my choice....i'd almost rather go back to no one knowing and me just being miserable on my own..but thats an entirely different story...i dont think i could survive w/o ppl like u guys who know what i'm going through. i hope this board helps me!

rape,anger,fear,cutting,etc.
Posted by Flower on Mon Jan 7 06:27:12 2002 (#13276)

what to do I don't care anymore just another day another memory another tear. School is gettig harder and nights are longer in a new place and old friends dropping like flies. The past is catching up with me and got some dicisions to make. Friends and family or love. Mike hates AJ and James for the years of rape and abuse that they caused me but he is more upset set that they are all I dream about. The car the forest the rooms the college campus running through my mind how to end it? I know of only one way through death but what about my love. Cutting is my saviour my haven I go there to release myself but now it is getting worse my health is not good and the more blood I loose the closer I get to death. I dream of a day to be one again worrying aout eating and being canged and chewing on things. Now it is hell the jail the streets the new school etc. How could AJ do it he is my sisters boyfriend. I feel like it is my faultI did wrong I hurt her caused her pain. But wait she knows what he did and doesn't care she is in love she says. I hope that is not the love mike feels for me. The internet is a help just to go to people to explain my problems to and get a opinion or is it self pitty not sure but I like it. For the first time since I was a baby Mike held me in his arms and guess what jsut a hour later I had to let him go. States away and in the snow I worry an wounder is it worth it is it for real older than my teachers and willing to settle down is my wild life over? What to do where to do he will not drink if I get sewed. patches kimmy drug name bee etc call me what you like hore is the common one though

Re: rape,anger,fear,cutting,etc.
Posted by jue on Wed Jan 9 22:39:38 2002 (#13305)

AJ is a fucking jerk obviously. try to be careful...i don't mean to be rude but have you thought of seeking counseling for your nightmares? it can help...it is up to you.

take care of yourself though. julie

Re: rape,anger,fear,cutting,etc.
Posted by michelleb7003 on Sat Jan 12 06:38:22 2002 (#13359)

i was molested years ago and i still cut cause i have nothing else.i hurt so much and it would be nice to hear from one of my fellows.

bored, lonely...hmmm...
Posted by mego on Tue Jan 8 03:40:55 2002 (#13282)

confused, nothing has gone too wrong in the past couple of days, not since i fainted or whatever the hell it was that i did. my damn cartilage in my ear is infected cause i'm trying to gauge it out. dammit, its nasty. some kid keeps asking me out, i think he's seriously crazy. he told some girls i know that he's in a gang and the police are looking for him and all this shit. everyone knows he's lieing. damn. why would you lie about something like that?? but i heard that he came from some little farm town in wisconsin, so maybe he feels like he's gotta sound like his life's been crazy or something. i'm not sure... he's kinda scary, reminds me of sean, the guy nell was rollin with, but thats beside the point. i think i'm gonna get some money for exctasy soon. i know, bad idea, but i dont really give a shit anymore. only have one cigarette left, which blows. my damn scavenger friends again... bastards. not really. shit, i'm going on and on about nothing... woohoo! fun. the night before all that shit happened i met a guy at nell's and tim's house, who's pretty damn cool. helped me light some shit on fire... fun. well, i haven't really written much about anything, same shit, different day, you know? just need someone to talk to for a while, kinda lonely, i get like that. well, i'm gonna go. i hope everyone is doin okay. thanks for all the help you guys have given me. peace. mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~incubus

new and wondering....
Posted by *sCiSsOrS* on Tue Jan 8 06:05:42 2002 (#13283)

do ppl know that you guys self-injure? b/c when we were learning about it in my psychology class ppl were making fun of it and i felt like a psycho for doing it. i feel like when i tell ppl (my close friends) they think im a freak or insane for doing it. does anyone else feel this way?

Re: new and wondering....
Posted by Amanda on Tue Jan 8 16:56:37 2002 (#13286)

when i tell people, those that i am close to and that are true friends try to understand and help, those who do not know me as well as others treat me like a freak and think im strange. they are not true friends and we should never give them the time of day. those who's opinions matter are those who try to understand. my friend sam doesnt understand why i do it or who i could do this to myself, but she tries, that is more important than actually understanding.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust Amanda

Re: new and wondering....
Posted by diana on Tue Jan 8 18:59:21 2002 (#13287)

..only a couple of my closest friends know what i do. but most of them don't understand because they think my life is perfect and that im not the type to do that. but i try to make them understand that there is no type who does it, because its all different groups of people with different backgrounds. the only person who knows the whole me is my best friend tina. she doesn't fully understand but you can say that she tries, just like amanda's friend sam, and that means more to me then just understanding. take care-diana

Re: new and wondering....
Posted by *sCiSsOrS* on Wed Jan 9 00:02:16 2002 (#13290)

yea i feel the same way. if they r my true friends they'll understand and try and help me. i just...i dunno...i think im afraid of what THEY think b/c i, myself feel crazy. i mean i KNOW its a "sickness" just like anorexia, or any other disease...but society doesnt treat it like that. they treat it like we're demented. thats why sometimes i feel like i'm crazy and i should be in a hospital or something...i dunno, maybe im just blabbering!

Re: new and wondering....
Posted by mego on Wed Jan 9 00:55:36 2002 (#13291)

yeah, dude. all the time. thats why i don't tell anyone.

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~incubus

Re: new and wondering....
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jan 10 02:22:33 2002 (#13312)

Hi, Welcome to the board. I don't cut, but my daughter did and I guess that is why I started coming here. Her friends knew but didn't understand. They never said anything to her, but other people did and that's what would make me mad. Just a mother thing I guess. There were people who thought she was a freak, but Tara is the kind of girl who really didn't care what people thought of her. She just goes about her own way and if people don't like her for her, they're not worth knowing. I personally don't think anyone who cuts is a freak, they just deal with pain in a different way than I would. If more people would try to understand and help, I really don't think it would be "in the closet" so to speak. Anyway, that's just my opinion. Again, welcome to the board and I hope you find some help and comfort here. Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk. take care. Love, Rhonda

Re: new and wondering....
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Fri Jan 11 23:42:30 2002 (#13346)

thanks rhonda...i really give ppl like u'r daughter credit. i wish i could be like that...among all my OTHER problems...i care WAAAY to much about what other ppl think of me...its one of my major downfalls. i hope to change that soon!

the monster...
Posted by *sCiSsOrS* on Tue Jan 8 23:57:58 2002 (#13289)

here is a poem i wrote today...tell me what you guys think of it. (obviously) its about self-mutilation in terms of cutting:

THE MONSTER Your breath is rapid. Your pulse quickens. Your heart beat races. You feel the pressure building within. The explosion waiting to be triggered, like a dormant volcano. That familiar feeling that could resurface at any time. The monster always living within, that urges to be released. It claws at your from inside. Sometimes it bubbles from beneath your skin. At times it flows out of your flesh as if a raging river. When the monster attacks you're not afraid. You're ready-- you've been waiting... Now with glazed eyes and labored breathing, you relish in the moments that are yours to hold. a time that can not be taken away from you. The relief that only you can appreciate. The adrenaline that once sped through your veins subsides. The dangerous monster is gone-- for now. Its mark has been left and now you're safe. However, the monster will return. It will come back when it's hungry for more. It has not been destroyed. The sleeping beast is waiting to be reawakened.

Re: the monster...
Posted by Erin on Wed Jan 9 02:41:31 2002 (#13292)

I like that. Its pretty good

Re: the monster...
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Wed Jan 9 02:45:19 2002 (#13293)

don't mind this i'm just testing something why is is bunching up my poem like that instead of each sentence having its own line?

Hello
Posted by Strider on Wed Jan 9 03:11:51 2002 (#13294)

Hi all. For the new people, I used to post here all the time a while back (don't really post anywhere often now), and I just wanted to warn everyone that the administrator of this site (his name's Morten Wulff) posted a message about how this site's going to be shut down some time in the near future bacause he got a domain for it. When that happens, go to www.psyke.org to the new site of his. It's pretty much the same. Later.

love and prayers, Colin

Re: Hello
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Jan 9 03:43:47 2002 (#13295)

most people are blocked from that site most of the time. i dont have parental controls on my computer but still i can never read the posts.

~sCiSsOrS.....?
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jan 9 08:09:53 2002 (#13297)

We all create our own username for our own reasons, I was just wondering why you chose your's. Is your weapon of choices scissors.. It seems most people on here use blades, but I don't like pain so I use scissors.

Welcome to the board, by the way. And I am 49 so the peer preception and acceptance and rejections doesn't really affect me. I'm bold. If I see people's eyes stray to my arms I come out and tell them, "This is what I do when I don't feel good." If a conversation pursues I am comfortable discussing why I cut.

Before I began to cut I thought I was crazy, and I was--- a real basket case. Now my body is going to shit and I take narcotics to cope with the constant pain and I take psychotrophic medications to manage my moods, flashbacks, and panic attacks. So I stay pretty mellow.

When I was in high school it was cool to cop a buzz or zone out. Now it keeps me alive. and I feel normal. And the daily trauma I coped with in other ways is pretty much a thing of the past.

Here is something to think about. THE EARLIER IN LIFE YOU GET THE HELP YOU NEED THS LESS TIME IT TAKES TO FIX OR JUST MANAGE THINGS.....Dawn

Re: ~sCiSsOrS.....?
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Thu Jan 10 00:29:31 2002 (#13306)

yes scissors r my 'weapon of choice'. i dont know why...i think b/c my brain is telling me as long as i stay away from knives its 'not that bad'. but who knows...wow..u'r 49? i really hope i dont cut for that long....i started getting help 2 summers ago, but i stopped. i had only been to like 3 sessions so it didnt do much. i hated it though, i felt so uncomfortable sitting there w/ someone staring at me while i just confess my darkest secrets..i felt like an asshole. anyways though...i give u credit for being so open about it...i DEF. can NOT be open about it....i cant even THINK of what would happen or what my whole town would think of me....my mom works for the school and im active in clubs (im the pres. of the school student council). i dont think i'd be considered a very good role model for the school. im sorry to hear about all that u'r going through though...i hope sometime, someday things will get better for you...good luck!!

hi
Posted by linzee on Wed Jan 9 22:17:45 2002 (#13304)

hi guys just saying hi! im doing ok!

Re: hi
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jan 10 02:13:36 2002 (#13311)

Hi Linzee, I'm really happy for you. Keep it up, you're worth it. Take care. Love, Rhonda

surery went well
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jan 10 02:01:23 2002 (#13308)

It is difficult to type with one hand. Good news is it was only a cyst and as long as Idon't flex thumb knuckle I will not damage tendon. bad news is I'm right handed and it is my right thumb. Please keep me in your prayers for speedy recovery love and hugs

Re: surery went well
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jan 10 02:11:34 2002 (#13309)

You know you're in my prayers Dawn cause I love and care for you so much. Sorry I haven't to you lately. Been kind of sick, but I'm better now. Take care of your hand and the rest of you too. Love ya. Rhonda

Re: surery went well
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jan 10 02:12:15 2002 (#13310)

You know you're in my prayers Dawn cause I love and care for you so much. Sorry I haven't written to you lately. Been kind of sick, but I'm better now. Take care of your hand and the rest of you too. Love ya. Rhonda

Re: surery went well
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 10 03:33:17 2002 (#13315)

So glad to hear the report. Will continue to pray as you recover. Love to you! Linda

Re: surery went well
Posted by Nuni on Thu Jan 10 21:24:08 2002 (#13327)

You got it Sister! Love in Christ, Nuni

so why?
Posted by *poison on Thu Jan 10 03:23:32 2002 (#13314)

so here's my question, since we all know that this board doesn't help us.. why are we all so attracted to it? is it truely because there aer others like us out there? or is it more for a personal gratification? like knowing something is wrong, but trying to believe it is acceptable and okay? I don't know, it's really dangerous having a board like this i think because you might end up with cutting "competitions" the more we know about other people's cuts the more we might try to go as deep as they did, and try and make outselves believe that it really isn't that bad. just wondering

you have just witnessed a saner moment in AMANDA'S MIND

Re: so why?Religious answer
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 10 03:48:22 2002 (#13316)

I think it is very normal to reach out in whatever direction we can when feeling helpless. These boards are a very natural thing to consider. I think you all want to know that you are not the only one with these feelings because that means that there is a chance that you can do something about it. But on the other hand, I believe that once you are here, your nature steps up to the plate and the competitive desire comes into focus. I, for one, came here, not as a cutter but as a friend of a cutter with a need for education. Once I got here I could not leave because I felt the despair in these posts. I feel that, though I have not experienced your pain, I have experienced other pains and disappointments. I know what stablizes me and I have stayed to offer a Foundation to build upon...a Rock to stand upon.....a Shelter in the time of storm...a Hand to the weak and weary......a Listening Ear to the hurt and wounded......OHHHH I could go on forever because I believe Jesus to be all those things and more. Many are offended and I understand that....others are open to listen and they have received that "Blessed Hope" that sustains! To me, this board is worth it!!!

Re: so why?
Posted by Nuni on Thu Jan 10 18:47:11 2002 (#13320)

Poison, I have been posting off and on. I agree with some of what you say. Often I found that if I stopped cutting I didnt feel as if I belonged. I then would feel worse about cutting because it ocurred to me that I did it for the wrong reasons. Let's just say that I started BLAMING the board for my cutting. I stopped visiting and I thought things were getting better. Well, I went back to my cutting ways and figured out, it was never the board. In fact the board helped me see that I wasn't a freak and that through understanding a being there for others that have over lapping problems it works. Linda, has been a great source of support as well. I hope you find what you are looking, take care. Huge hugs to you. Nuni

Re: so why?
Posted by Erin on Fri Jan 11 02:36:04 2002 (#13337)

I like reading what other cutters feel like and how they're doing and everything. I'm not sure why...maybe to prove to myself that I'm really not alone in this

WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 13 08:23:56 2002 (#13384)

Amanda, It is good to see you "saner". I remember the first time I took the risk to find a board like this. I wanted someone to say its ok to cut. But when I posted about wanting to cut and it was ok, something turned inside me and said "No it isn't ok", and so the war within me has played its on again off again rollercoaster.

The truth is inside my heart I don't want this board to need to be here. I don't want to see names like poison, and morbidkitty and all the other negative names because they in themselves says so much. And that much is pain. And my heart is very sensitive to pain.

I know this board is needed by me and you, Nuni, and all the other cutters, and those who suffer secretly among the world of plastic smiles and well wishers.

Please know that I am here not to discourage people from sharing their pain or asking for help, in whatever way they formulate it. EVEN IN A NAME

AT 49 I KNOW MORE FREEDOM THAN TEENAGERS DO. AS AN ADULT ON DISABILITY FOR DEPRESSION AND 18 YEARS OF SEEKING HELP, I HAVE LEARNED TO ARTICULATE MY PAIN, but sometimes words are not as articulative as bleeding out the pain. Knowing that I have an edge on Linda and Rhonda. But I wish I didn't have. I wish I knew the love of Jesus deeper than I do. I wish I had lived a different life. I wish you did too. I wish we all didn't find a friend in bleeding. But here we are. All of Us needing EACH OTHER to be strong when we are week. And to remind us that Jesus knows our hurts and is with us every moment of everyday.

May God's Presence seek out our pain and wipe every tear we shed. And may each of us reach out for help before we reach out for our weapons of choice....Dawn

Re: WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER
Posted by Arielle on Sat Jan 19 22:38:02 2002 (#13500)

I read your post and it made me cry. God knows I wish I had lived a a different life too...and mine's only just started.

Re: so why?
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 17 04:59:57 2002 (#13474)

i think it helps knowing you are not alone. most of the people i know who are into self mutilation are so lonely. not that there aren't lots of people around. they have friends. but their aren't many people who understand about the wounds we inflict on ourselves and why. here people understand. and we can be there for each other.

my friend was beaten.... i feel guilty.....
Posted by lys on Thu Jan 10 05:39:03 2002 (#13317)

last night, one of my best friends was beaten up by her boyfriend. I saw her place, walls are dented by were her head was hit, there was blood, broken windows. She couldn't walk very well because he threww her and kicked her. I want to kill him, I really do. I want him to suffer so he can never again do that to her or anybody. And I feel really guilty. I could have stopped it, I had the opportunity. I didn't though. I feel so bad. She is staying with me tonight, because she is terrified. I don't blame her. If her boyfriend tries to come over, I will first gut him, then call the cops. I don't care, I would do it for her, even if it meant going to prison. I doubt he would try it though. He is too stupid.... Anyways, I just needed to tell someone this.... by the way, it was my birthday yesterday...

Happy Late Birthday!
Posted by Ebil Kuwala on Thu Jan 10 17:34:38 2002 (#13319)

ya..i can see where that thing would make you all mad at him...she needs to do something about it? so he can't touch her again..><

Re: my friend was beaten.... i feel guilty.....
Posted by joni on Thu Jan 10 23:03:15 2002 (#13331)

First of all you should not feel guilty or blame yourself at all for what happened to your friend. You did not make him beat on your friend. All you can do is be there for your friend to talk to her and try to comfort her. My advice to you would to be to call the police and do not lay a finger on him.Violence solves nothing.It often makes things worse.How can you be there for your friend if you are in prison? She needs you.I know how you feel.A friend of mine was recently raped by a guy who was supposebly her friend. I felt the same way I wanted him to suffer just as she did. The only thing that kept me from it is really sitting down and thinking about the consequences that would happen if I did. That and the love for my friend.How would it help her if I did something dumb to jepordize my freedom?I hope you really take time and think.What is the best thing to do? Hope thinggs get better for you.

Re: my friend was beaten.... i feel guilty.....
Posted by joni on Thu Jan 10 23:04:22 2002 (#13332)

Re: my friend was beaten.... i feel guilty.....
Posted by Drew. on Fri Jan 11 17:04:54 2002 (#13342)

I would have called but I can never get hold of you, sorry bout that. happy b-day.

thecutthatneverheals

Re: my friend was beaten.... i feel guilty.....
Posted by Heather on Sat Jan 12 08:16:18 2002 (#13363)

Hi i'm a lttle new to this thing but i think you might want to heaar some thing from me. This is not your fault. Only the monster that struck a women is at fault. I was beatten by my dad and watched him do the same to my mom. Tell your friend to file a report and get the hell out of there! Even if she loves him and cares about him. No one should deal with that. I know in times like this all she needs is a good trusting friend. Be there sor her and let her know once she leaves him everything will be okay.

confused, hurt
Posted by tc on Thu Jan 10 18:57:09 2002 (#13321)

Can anyone help me, I'm hurting really bad,...

Re: confused, hurt
Posted by Nuni on Thu Jan 10 21:23:03 2002 (#13326)

Hey e-mail I will try. I can pray for you for now. Be well! Nuni

Re: confused, hurt
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Jan 10 23:59:20 2002 (#13333)

How can I help? Email me and I'm here for you.Take care. Love, Rhonda

help
Posted by tc on Thu Jan 10 18:59:50 2002 (#13322)

how do I get on the chat line, I really need someone to talk with, bye for now....

Re: help
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 10 20:51:47 2002 (#13325)

TC...hope you got the help you needed. There is a chat room on the other board at www.psyke.org BUT.....there is rarely anyone in there. I suppose you could post a message on the other forum and ask for someone to meet you there. It's worth a try.

i don't do it for attention
Posted by Emma on Thu Jan 10 19:26:19 2002 (#13323)

Hi my names emma and i'm 15. i just wanted to say that a lot of people do think that we do it for attention, i know a lot of people who found out i did it thought so. If i was doing it for attention i wouldn't cover my arms and wrists up until the cuts had eventually faded. I know a lot of people look on cutting yourself as being weird but i have spoken to people over the net who also do it and it's suprising to find out just how many other people are like u, u don't feel so alone anymore.My bf now knows i have cut myself nd still do if i get extremley upset and he's helping me through it a lot but i just wanted to say that i know what it feels like wen people call u names and talk abt u because they have seen the cuts and it isn't a nice feeling i don't think a lot of people see it as being an illness just see it as attention seeking but i just wanted to say that. sorry if this aint what ur suppose to do this is all kinda new to me i haven't really spoke abt why i've done it b4

Re: i don't do it for attention
Posted by megz on Thu Jan 10 20:13:15 2002 (#13324)

I used to go on this board quite alot, but i haven't been on 4 a while.My friends and family found out about me and self harming about 5-6 months ago.When they found out they also were questioning me,asking me if i was attention seeking, i said no.It hurt me quite alot when they were asking me, cos i also kept my arms covered at all times.

Re: i don't do it for attention
Posted by Christina on Fri Jan 11 20:39:54 2002 (#13343)

Hi everyone called me stupid and said i was looking for attention aswell,as emma knows coz we're best friends.the fact that people didnt believe i was seriously hurting made me want to do it even more,and so i did and i still am,part of me wants to show them to make them feel guilty and the other side doesnt incase they call me mental and keep watch over me 24hrs a day,never trusting me and telling other people i've got a mental problem.

you see...
Posted by elle on Sat Jan 12 03:15:04 2002 (#13356)

when they said it wasnt real you did it worse. who was that proving it to? yourself cause u were scared they were right? cause you knew that they were right? and you were proving to them what? if it wasnt about them howcome you responded to what they were saying? sorry, just playing devils advocate. gotta think of things even if they are way off i guess. but i mean when they thought you werent a "serious" cutter, if you really were, why would you have to cut more to prove to them you were?

I DO
Posted by elle on Sat Jan 12 03:09:45 2002 (#13355)

i mean, there are other ways to cause myself hurt. if i didnt want it out there for me to see, bring it to my attention. even if others dont see it. i think LOOK, if only you could see what i do to myself. i dunno, i guess as you come to terms with what you do, putting it so plainly on your body is at least for some attention seeking, i mean is that so bad? if you had the attention from someone who cared who could listen to you and help you would you still be needin to do this too yourself.

Re: i don't do it for attention
Posted by leeroy on Sat Jan 12 16:43:22 2002 (#13372)

I DONT DO IT FOR ATTENTION..I do it coz it helps me get through bad times in my life when i fuck things up.I dont care if people see my cuts or scars,coz its none of their fucking business.everyone has got their own way of dealing with situations,this is ours..theres nothing wrong with it,just because everyone doesnt do it.

I am guilty, there were times
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jan 13 09:11:14 2002 (#13385)

Yeah, its me... when I started cutting there were times I used cutting to prove I was mental, unresponsible, AND EVER SO WOUNDED INSIDE.

No one could have survived all I've survived and not been affected by it. But until the time I was free from abuse and having to be ready for another crisis I was slowly going crazy.

Then I wanted to get an education in psychology so I could tell people who were living the kinds of lives I was living, and to my SURPRISE I discovered I needed healing first. Which meant I had to open my life up from day one and take a look at it..... and to my SURPRISE I discovered I was like a GI walking around a battlefield trying to help people and my insides were like scrambled eggs.

I couldn't work, barely made it to appointments to see a counselor for over 7 years. AND SURE AS I AM SITTING HERE IF SOMEONE DISPUTED MY CRAZINESS IT WAS IN ME TO WHIP OUT A FOLDING PAIR OF SCISSORS I CARRIED OPENLY ON MY KEY RING AND SHOW THEM JUST WHAT I WAS INSIDE.

Now I'm more ok in the head, I seldom cut, and never have to prove I am still not well enough to take an active place in society.

And as for helping people who are now living the lives I've lived. I share who I am on this board. And I've had professors tell me I could teach their classes what living with abuse, rape, child molestation, spousal abuse in all forms, physical, mental and even sexual. They can give facts, but I can share about the fear that rushes through your body when your own car, which would not start 7 minutes ago is barreling at you at high speed and jumping the curb seconds behind you as you dive into a bush from the sidewalk and narrowly being killed by the man who pledged to love you till death do you part, and later to hear him say he was just trying to scare you.

Well it worked...........

But I'm still alive and I hope all women, children, and whoever else knows fear and pain will get themselves out of abusive relationships before they are totally and permanetly disabled by the trauma.

Now a days I only have aging to deal with and the memories that haunt me. I'm not ashamed to explain my scars. They are only reflective of the inner me... I believe the same is true of each of you.

Thank You God for the Grace You've given me and the healing you've done in my life. Heal those who you've chose to read these words...Dawn

Re: i don't do it for attention
Posted by mego on Mon Jan 14 05:02:49 2002 (#13404)

i disagree with only one part of that. i don't think its an illness, because i don't think i have anything wrong with me. and i'm jealous as hell because of your boyfriend. so, i'm pissed off at you. it is so fucking stupid, i know it is. and i'm so sorry. i'm sorry for being upset over something so stupid.god... mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

crashing down..pleaz help!!
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Thu Jan 10 22:38:42 2002 (#13328)

ok...last night i kinda lost it...i was already feeling depressed and then i heard my 'rents fighting (again!) and my dad was accusing my mom of cheating on him and i freaked...i was like shaking and stuff...and i cut up my arm REALLY bad...i talked to my best friend last nite but i scared her and she got upset....so i told one of my teachers today who im close to. and he said he had to tell my 'rents and principal...for legal reasons. im sooo upset!! this is not what i wanted to happen....my mom had to come get me and take me out of school and my principal talked to me and shit...uugghh...everything is just going so wrong....and for some reason they all think im suicidal!!! i think my teacher took me cutting myself as a sign that im suicidal..and im not!!!! im like dangling at the end of my rope here....ive reached an all-time low....how do u guys deal w/ u'r 'rents knowing??? i feel like they think im psycho..or they're gonna start like babying me...ggrrrrrr!!!!!

Re: crashing down..pleaz help!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Jan 11 00:10:41 2002 (#13334)

Parents are gonna naturally think that you're suicidal, at least I did when we found out Tara was cutting. After I learned some about SI, I realized that she didn't want to kill herself, it was just her way of dealing with her emotional pain. Parents can be really stupid about their kids and that's sad. I had to learn to listen to Tara instead of yelling and accusing her of stuff. Have you ever gotten any help for yourself and most important, do you want help? If the answer is yes, let your parents help you if they are willing to find a good therapist. As far as your school, by law, they are required to let someone know if they even think you are a danger to yourself or others. I know that sucks, but it actually helps in some cases. If you get a good therapist, he or she will be able to tell that you are not wanting to kill yourself, that there are other issues to deal with. I hope you are okay and I'm sorry if this didn't help you that much. If you need to talk to an adult who will listen and who understands, email me. I'll even talk to your parents if you think it would help. Never can tell. Take care and be careful. Love, Rhonda

Re: crashing down..pleaz help!!
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Fri Jan 11 23:46:44 2002 (#13347)

thanks...i dont like talking to my 'rents about it....i dont want to get them involved and worried...so i just walk around like everything's fine and im not depressed...which isnt good i know...the only person right now that i really talk to is that one teacher that i first told. he's really awesome. he even called me last nite to see how i was doing. but on mon. im going to see a psychologist. so hopefully things will start looking up for me. thanks again! :)

Re: crashing down..pleaz help!!
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jan 12 02:25:58 2002 (#13352)

I really hope everything works out for you. Let me know how it goes otherwise, I'll just start bugging you about it!(HA!HA!) Take care Love, Rhonda

Re: crashing down..pleaz help!!
Posted by jen on Fri Jan 11 00:53:04 2002 (#13335)

hey i have been like this for months now my friends know most of them but the parentals don't have a clue they saw it and i told them that it was from the cat lol they believes me suprisinly i have 2 nosey sisters and they have not one clue it is hard to hide it but i can do it. in art i have to roll my sleaves up and no one has even seen it! peeps are dumb i know not to tell a teacher tho no matter what because they have to even the fuckin counslers it sucks but hey lifes a bitch!

sick of false notions!!!!!
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Thu Jan 10 22:47:16 2002 (#13330)

im sorry but im just venting today b/c everything has gone completely wrong....am i the ONLY one who's REALLY sick of ppl thinking such WRONG ideas about ppl who self-harm!!!! im not going to say in ALL cases b/c im sure thats not true...but as ive read through research of self-harm...its NOT done as a suicide threat OR for attention..and im really sick of ppl thinking it is!!! why can't they just understand!!! ggrrr..its so frustrating...im sick of trying explain myself and why i do it b/c ppl think im trying to like commit suicide!!! anyone else feel this way???

Re: sick of false notions!!!!!
Posted by mego on Fri Jan 11 05:04:27 2002 (#13338)

hell yeah. my mom says i do it for attention and im feeling sorry for myself. yeah... she found out...actually she said she knew all along cause she was reading my poems and diary (which i haven't written in since back in the day... why would i wanna remember all the shit that happens to me??). then she yelled at me. freaked out, asking how i thought it made her feel. simple solution:DONT READ MY SHIT!! lately she's been alright, though. she keeps asking why i'm sad, and if i'm okay, which is kinda nice. makes me feel so special, loved... i've needed to be loved by her for a while, its too bad that fighting was what it took. but we'll hate each other again soon, it will just be a matter of days. i'm rambling again. god, i have to stop doing that. sorry, but yeah, i'm pretty sick of all the shit too. peace. mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: sick of false notions!!!!!
Posted by ~*sCisSoRs*~ on Fri Jan 11 23:50:08 2002 (#13348)

don't worry....i tend to ramble also..once i get started, its hard to shut me up. im sorry to hear about u'r relationship w/ u'r mom...maybe it would help if u both got some counseling...like if u went together or something...i dunno though, that's just a suggestion.

HERE IS AN IDEA
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jan 14 02:50:26 2002 (#13397)

When I started down the road of cutting I met doctors, nurses, guild ladies talking in the hall (something that could get them repremanded for, they are not allowed to speak of patients amongst themselves even), crisis hot line people, people on busses, passers-by, my children, my family.. all with questions about why I cut myself up, and why so much.

Instead of letting my blood boil... I started answering their questions, even if they were unspoken. The Bible says, "The Truth will set you free." And it just might get ppl off your back.... or maybe it will teach them why people who may outwardly have it all together don't.

Teens at home are going to face a lot of misunderstanding from parents. As a parent myself who had a child tell me for nearly 9 years (from the age of 5) that she was going to kill herself.... I reacted horribly even to the point of grabbing a butcher knife and handing it toward her and saying, "Go ahead. You keep saying you're going to DO IT THEN!"

As a young parent in a fight with my ex and having left home with the kids, I called home to check on her father and he threatened to blow his head off, so ignorant as I was, I took my oldest to the house to talk him down. And she at 5 learned that if she threatened to take her life I would give in and do as she wanted, and even though it was aggervating, I knuckled under. For 9 years.

I brought hate into my household and violence. The kids never witnessed the violence between their father and I, they just got violence and anger, and a hatred I did not know I had..... but I transfered it into the hearts of my children and it seemed normal. By the time I saw what I had become it was too late to change them. But I've been changing me ever since.

Parents do not always see what they are doing to contribute to their children's inside battles. And when they do... it is difficult for them to face. They feel guilty, they feel helpless, especialy if they had not been able to change they saw themselves doing and couldn't stop. Its hard to face the truth. Parents may not have dealt with the things they grew up with or their own feelings about their past, present, or future, so a troubled child just adds more to deal with.

I'm not saying give your parents a break. I'm saying you can only change and control one person..... yourself. And you can only begin where you are. And the same is true of your parents. If your parent is willing to help find a better way of expressing the feelings you are feeling and is open to discuss them but when both are calm and willing not to hit below the belt, that is good. Having a neutral party is a good idea too. Perferably a professional counselor who deals with cutting, who can help your parent understand it is not a suicide attempt, just venting.

Hope this helped. OH AND PLEASE, EVERYONE UNDERSTAND, TALKING OUT YOUR SITUATION ON THE BOARD IS NOT RAMBLING, IT IS TALKING OUT YOUR PROBLEMS, and I've learned that when I talk them out by the time I'm finished I've reasoned a new aspect of why I cut out.

The Bible says, "Come let us reason together." I think that applies here too. Many times we are not the only ones who reap the rewards. Love to all....Dawn

dawn and scissors
Posted by mego on Thu Jan 17 04:10:18 2002 (#13468)

scissors: thanks, bro. i'm glad you understand, its cool. thanks for the advise for me and my mom, but she thinks that councelling is for weird people who feel sorry for themselves and dont really need help at all. and because my family is so normal, we dont need that. shit... but thanks anyway. it was cool of you to respond. dawn: hey, i know that youre really into god, and thats cool and all but every time someone has a problem, you tell them to turn to god. i know that maybe this helps, but sometimes people need advise that will let them actually take an action. im' not saying that i dont believe in god, but if hes so great and can fix everything, why are all these girls being beat and raped and put in hospitals to try to kill themselves?? i'm not trying to criticize or make anyone feel bad at all, i'm just sayin, you know? sorry, i've been thinking a lot about things lately, and this was one of them. i dont have anyone really religious to talk to about it, so i came here.

Re: dawn and scissors
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 24 18:14:15 2002 (#13615)

Turning to God is an action, Mego. Dawn is telling you the truth. You asked why there is so much pain and hurt in this world if God is so great....well, because He loved you so much that He gave us a free will. Many choose to make wrong choices and they are hurt by the consequences. Many are hurt by the consequences of others but sin ALWAYS has a consequence and we never sin and harm only ourselves. The truth is that though we live in a world of sin and are touched by it every day, God, who is so great, provided relief from the punishment of that sin and a place to live eternally with Him if we will just accept it. I would be glad to talk about religious things with you if you like.

Re: sick of false notions!!!!!
Posted by Arielle on Sat Jan 19 23:08:34 2002 (#13501)

I'm sorry you have such a bad relationshiop with your mom. It reminds me of my family. My mom used to read through my shit all the time. I had no privacy at all. Her rationale was that I shouldn't have anything to hide anyway, so why should I care...I know now that I was fucked up, but that kind of attitude never got me anywhere. Once after she read my diary and confronted me about it, I ran away and didn't come back for months. I've been living on my own off and on for two years, since fifteen. I think I get along better with her now that I don't live with her...but that's not a practical suggestion for you. I think you said you were 15, and it is so hard to make it on your own when most places won't even hire you for work. The only thing I can think of that would help is just to stand your ground and stay rational...don't fuck up your relatonship with your mom because she is your mother and she loves you. You will regret it, I know from experience, and so will she. If you ever need to talk, my screen name is DeadAlive27. Take care of yourself ..........Arielle

Re: sick of false notions!!!!!
Posted by crystal on Thu Jan 17 05:14:59 2002 (#13476)

they are just trying to understand. they're close, but they don't quite have it. i can't speak for everyone but i know that when i cut it is never in an attempt to kill myself. but it is a small kind of suicide in a way. killing a piece of myself i hate. trying to cut away the piece of myself that haunts me. and as for the attention. its not to say - "look at me. look what i can do." but i think sometimes it is trying to say "please god someone help me. someone see that i am in so much pain i will bleed for one look. one real smile of sympathy. of a connection to please on REAL human being not numbed by the bullshit of the world." maybe the deeper we understand ourselves through cutting the less we will have to cut.and we can only do it ourselves. no researcher or therapist can ever tell you more than you can tell yourself what is going on in your own heart.

luv,

crystal

WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND, NEED ADVISE, IMPORTANT
Posted by mego on Fri Jan 11 02:17:31 2002 (#13336)

one of my best friends' mom is in the hospital for trying to kill herself again. she can't live with her dad (she was abused by her step-mom) so she lives with her cousin (another best friend of mine). Her brother (who is 19 or 20, a close friend of tim's) is really messing up his life. one of her friends was in a car accident, she doesn't know if he's okay or not. all she knows is that he is in the hospital, the girl who's car he hit is dead and the car rolled and caught on fire. one of her best friends got the shit kicked out of him, she heard from people who were there that he was beat with a hammer, that his face was all messed up, blood everywhere, bruises all over from the hammer. another of our close friends has been a total asshole to her, he's always like that when he goes out with one of the preppie girls. my friend was crying today on the bus, and i didn't know (i wasn't sitting close enough to her to notice) until i was getting off. so, i called her and she was telling me all of this and almost crying again on the phone. the thing that scared me the most is that she's a really tough girl, she's been through a lot, i've never seen her cry before. i am scared for her, because she used to be into a lot of drugs, and her old friends are bitching at her because she isn't anymore (yeah, forgot to add that above the list). i don't know what to say to her, to make her feel better. i told her that i am always there for her, and that she can call or come over any time she needs to talk, but i know, personally, that that doesn't help anything. i have no clue what to do. i'm lost. someone PLEASE help me, give me some advise on what to say to make her feel better. she's always been there for me, whenever i've had problems, i really want to be there for her too. please try to reply to this soon, i really want her to feel better. thanks for taking out time to read this.

mego

now my only conselation is that this could not last forever.~incubus

Re: WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND, NEED ADVISE, IMPORTANT
Posted by ~*sCisSoRs*~ on Fri Jan 11 23:53:44 2002 (#13349)

ok..my advice is that...SHE NEEDS TO GET HELP NOW!!! i mean, like, professional help. it seems to me like a friendly pat on the back and ole "it'll be ok" just isn't good enough for her anymore and can't help her. if she doesn't have enough $$ to see a psychiatrist then at LEAST tell her to see the school student counselor..or the school psychiatrist (which i dont think costs anything). but she's gotta take some sort of action.

Re: WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND, NEED ADVISE, IMPORTANT
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jan 12 02:31:11 2002 (#13353)

The most important thing you can do is be there for her.Also, maybe you can talk her into finding someone to help her deal with all of this. This probably didn't help that much and I'm sorry, but that's all I could think of. Take care and email if you need to talk. Love, Rhonda

Re: WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND, NEED ADVISE, IMPORTANT
Posted by mego on Sat Jan 12 19:59:50 2002 (#13375)

she won't go see someone for help, i know that. she thinks that she can handle anything by herself, she's very independent. hearing that from me would probably make it worse cause we've talked about how a couple people told me that i should see someone and we said how we'd never go do that. thanks for your advise, though. if she weren't so stubborn, it would be great advise. thanks so much. i know that she talked to her dad the other day, and things are getting better for him. i guess her mom slit her wrists again, checked herself out of the hospital a couple days ago. she is living with another manic, and she thinks its going to help her out, which nobody else understands, but we're all hoping it will help. she talked to her friend who got his ass kicked over all that shit, and he's doin okay, the kid who was in the accident got out of the hospital a couple days ago, too, so i guess he's going to be fine. her mom gave her a poem book, written in blood. god, is this woman stupid? she's only ruining her daughter's life. god... it makes me so mad. steph wont even talk about it, i got all of this through her cousin, the two of them are two of my best friends... well, i just thought you guys might like to know how she is doing. i talked to her this morning and she sounded really happy, she was at a party last night with all of her old friends, she said it was like old days and she sounded really happy, she was telling me about seeing people and she was laughing so hard she could harly finish all her stories about them, and how they were and what they were doing. it made me really happy. well, i gotta go. thanks for all of your help. mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND, NEED ADVISE, IMPORTANT
Posted by ~*sCiSsOrS*~ on Sun Jan 13 02:35:05 2002 (#13379)

im glad that she seems to be doing better...i hope it stays that way. but just as a warning don't think b/c she sounds, looks, or acts happy that she actually is. cuz i know personally, thats my defense...when im in my worst of moods i can sometimes act the happiness, its weird. in fact, my emotions r over the top...like i'll laugh hysterically at something that really isn't that funny. so just be careful with her. hope everything works out.

Re: WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND, NEED ADVISE, IMPORTANT
Posted by mego on Sun Jan 13 20:49:17 2002 (#13394)

yeah, i know. i'm like that too. its just... i dont know. sometimes its easier to believe that shes okay.

Re: WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND, NEED ADVISE, IMPORTANT
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jan 13 20:19:18 2002 (#13393)

I'm sorry to hear she doesn't want any help. but if doesn't want any, you won't be able to talk her into it. I just hope she does okay also. I'll say a prayer for her. Don't leave her, stay with her and let her know you're there for her. That is about all you can do. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND, NEED ADVISE, IMPORTANT
Posted by mego on Sun Jan 13 20:50:18 2002 (#13395)

i would never leave her. shes always been here for me.

new needing to talk
Posted by Heather on Fri Jan 11 07:42:02 2002 (#13339)

My name is Heather. I'm 16. I have been cutting myself for at least two years. I had stoppped for a while but every once and awhile i fall back into it. I carve to see the blood. Im scarred to start back into it but i need to so bad. I always cut my legs hips and arms, i can't let anyone see specially by new boyfirend. I deal with people calling me phyco because i know this is alittle strange to others. I need to talk to somebody who can understand. I dodn't take my meds because of the side effects and "i don't need them" but anyways everything sharp i look at makes me want to bleed.I'm dreaming of cutting. What should i do to realive my strong urge.

Re: new needing to talk
Posted by Jenny on Fri Jan 11 10:52:50 2002 (#13340)

Heather,

You sound so much like me it's unbelievable! You want to stop but you don't know how and it's killing you? I have just got a boyfriend and I felt so guilty having this secret that he didn't know about so I told him that is the best thing that I have ever done. Do you cut for a reason? Some times there doesn't have to be a reason it just happens and when you have done it it makes you feel so much better. I don't know what there is to relieve a strong urge but all I can say is live one day at a time and if you need to cut then cut that is what I do. I dont do it because I feel I have to I do it because I need to.... That wont make any sence but it does in its own way???? Well if you ever want to talk im here and I care so take care and tell him he may understand he should take you for who you are no that you have secrets

Luv N hugz Jenny xxx

Re: new needing to talk
Posted by heather on Sat Jan 12 07:53:06 2002 (#13360)

thanks for talking to me. I do understand eveything you say.I feel horrible not letting him know. He is too much of a goody boy to understand or realise the problems and the hard ship of using a knife. It is so nice being able to talk to anyone. I kept everything in for so long. I quit talking with my best friend because she cried too much. I don't see it as a big deal. Im just dealing you know! Please write to me again

Re: new needing to talk
Posted by Erin on Fri Jan 11 22:38:18 2002 (#13345)

you could put an ice cube on your wrist until you cant take it anymore...I've done it before and its helped. I'm 15 and I've been cutting for almost a year. you can email me or IM me if you want to talk. I feel the same about sharp things making me want to cut. one time I was shopping with my best friend and she wanted to look at razors and I got really uncomfortable there because all I could of was cutting

Re: new needing to talk
Posted by Heahter on Sat Jan 12 08:34:53 2002 (#13364)

How do you stop your need to cut? I can stop mine. I keep thinking thinking then i do and keep doing.i really don't cut myself as bad as most people do but it's all the same right? I have a spot at my ankles to my sock line. The i cut all over my hip. the first times i did it it was on my wrist. People asked too many questions i ran out of lies. I see a big thick piece of meat and i feel like i have to rip it apart. like when i look at my calf i want to dice it. I am really going insane. So now i just smoke about ten more a day. I shake and sometimes i sweat. Will you tell me more about you and what you are or went through?

Re: new needing to talk
Posted by Erin on Sat Jan 12 15:57:57 2002 (#13369)

I can't stop my need to cut. Whenever something happens and I need to cut, the thought never goes away until I finally do..like I broke down last nite and cut, it was on my mind for like 5 days I think and I was just going crazy and I was crying so I did it and I calmed down. I smoke sometimes too. hell, I'm smoking right now. just hope my parents dont get home soon. lol I usually cut on my arms. I've cut up near my shoulders where t-shirts can hide it. But I've been starting to go down my arm. But those two spots by my shoulders are a mess of scars. I've a few on my left forearm and wrist. I've cut on my thighs and legs before but only a couple times. Last year, my boyfriend convinced me to go to the school conselar and get help. I went to see him, but it didnt help. It didnt help me any because for you to get help, you have to WANT it for it to do any good and make you stop. So I didnt stop. No one really asks me any questions but a couple of my friends and almost all of them know I cut I think. I'm an outsider at school so no one talks to me but my friends. stay safe and good luck

hi
Posted by Heather on Sun Jan 13 07:14:25 2002 (#13381)

hi
Posted by Heather on Sun Jan 13 07:17:40 2002 (#13382)

In school, it doesn't matter if your an outsider. I have been cool and i have been the trash. I like it better having very few friends that way you can trust them and you don't need oe get the bullshit. I can tell your a very sweet person and thats all that matters! I know it doesn't seem like it but truley it is. As long as you can just ignore all their shit and respect yourself live will begin to fall into place. It may take years and it may take days. Be good to yourself. I promise it will make you feel a ton better. Who needs stuck up greedy people in your life? All you need is family and a godd friend to trust! So if you don't mind me asking where are you from? I live in minnesota. I hope everythng goes good for you. BE careful take care of yourself.

Re: hi
Posted by Erin on Sun Jan 13 17:16:11 2002 (#13387)

I agree with you that I'd rather have a few friends than a lot. at least you know who cares about you. I'm from ohio. I dont have much of a family but I have good friends. thats all that matters

Re: new needing to talk
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 12 00:06:56 2002 (#13350)

Hi sweetheart, Im almost exactly like you, everything you said I am or do. thats wierd..but anyway This is what I do..I either draw on myself with washable markers, it really does help I dunno why..and like draw happy faces over my cuts and shit, its wierd. or Ill make big sigsn like that say things to the people Im angrey at or that I hate or even myself all around my room and lay there and look at them, it helps alot too. I dunno..the other alternative to that that I have is cutting and thats not good at all. take care hun love KAT

Re: new needing to talk
Posted by Heather on Sat Jan 12 07:58:10 2002 (#13361)

I can't really so that. I can't explain to anyone what is wrong. I just go nuts after awhile and i need to cut. Once i give in to the temptation i really can't Stop. Last night I searched for anyone to talk to because i was a reck. Now i finally found people who will listen. Thanks

Re: new needing to talk
Posted by Erin on Sat Jan 12 15:59:47 2002 (#13370)

I'm online a lot. usually from 8pm to 11. you can always talk to me if you want.

Re: new needing to talk
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Jan 12 02:36:25 2002 (#13354)

Hi Heather, Welcome to the board. You mentioned something about not taking meds cause of the side affects. Try talking to your doctor and trying something different. There are meds that will not cause that many side effects and will help you a lot. My daughter went through 2 or 3 different kinds of stufff before she found something that worked. Keep trying honey, don't give up. As far as talking to someone, is there any other adult or friend who you could trust? If not, you can email me and I'll talk to you. There are also lots of others on the board who will listen and will probably understand a lot better than me since I don't cut. Give us a try. Take care and remember, email if you feel like it. Love, Rhonda

Re: new needing to talk
Posted by Heather on Sat Jan 12 08:02:40 2002 (#13362)

Rhonda~ There are a ton of friends that i could tell. They all think i have stopped and would be hurt. The person who i told everything to is my bestfriend. Whenever she sneeks a peak at my leg she begins to cry. Everytime she see the marks it kills her. I don't want to hurt the ones i love i only want to get all the stuff out. I want to turn the feelings into real pain.

Re: new needing to talk
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sun Jan 13 20:12:20 2002 (#13392)

Heather, Yea, it hurts to see a friend hurt themselves, but this could be a good time to really talk to her about it. Ask her why she is so upset and then tell her why, if you know, you do this to yourself. It's good that she doesn't just freak out and will at least stick around. Take advantage of that. If she's a good friend, she won't mind. In fact, you might be amazed how much better it will make you feel to know that someone cares about you enough to cry with you. I cried with Tara a lot and I think that helped both of us. I won't pretend to understand why she would cut herself, but it made her feel better to know that I would cry with her. I love her that much and I bet your friend loves you enough also. Lean on them, they could help you a lot. Email if you ever want to talk. Take care. Love, Rhonda