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Threads 3551 to 3600

help, i'm going crazy
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 02:12:02 2002 (#14235)

To anyone who's out there, it's one in the morning here in England and I think I'm going crazy. I've not slept for about 3 months, I've not spoken to a soul face to face for 3 days since my parents went away. i'm on these new tablets which make me feel ten times worse than I did in the first place and I've got nobody who I can talk to apart from you guys. I'm feeling really desperate. I used to have some good days in amongst the weeks of bad days but now I can't even remember the last time i felt like a real person. If anyone actually reads this I'm so sorry for babbling on but if I don't talk then I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Re: help, i'm going crazy
Posted by Tara's Mom on Wed Feb 20 02:36:52 2002 (#14238)

Hey Eleanor, I've always wanted to go to England, but will probably never get the chance. Since Sept, 11th, I really don't ever plan on flying anywhere. Don't worry about babbling cause that helps sometimes. Now about your meds. If they are making things worse, talk to your doctor or whoever perscribed them to you and see about getting something different. Tara went through 2 or 3 different things before taking Effexor. It worked get for her. I don't know what you're taking the meds for, but I would defenatly check into getting something different. It's 7:30 pm in Oklahoma where I am and I'm just sitting here typing and watching the Olympics. I like the figure skating and skiing. Do you have any hobbies? I guess I like to read and go fishing with my husband. This summer, we're going to Colorado to go trout fishing. I can't wait! I love Colorado. I also like collecting frogs. I have about 250 different ones. My friends and family always get them for my birthday and other days. My favorite is Kermit the Frog. He's just so, green! I'm just talking here to help you so sorry if I get a little long winded. You know, you can email me any time you want to. This week I'll be on the computer every night cause my husband is on evening shift where he works, but when he's home, I usually just get on every other night. I could easily spend 7 or 8 hours here every day. Well, I'll go for now. I hoped this helped pass some time for you and please take care of yourself. Email me if you feel like it. Love, Rhonda

Re: help, i'm going crazy
Posted by crystal on Wed Feb 20 04:12:05 2002 (#14245)

what new tablets are you on? new medicine can make things really hard for awhile but it will get better. where did your parents go? its really hard not to get stuck in your head sometimes when you are alone. sometimes i just have to get out in the sunshine. even though there isn't much sun here in seattle. i hope things get better soon. i just listen to a lot of music do a lot of art and try to get in touch with things that make me feel alive. it'll get better. xoxoxoxoxo, crystal

Re: help, i'm going crazy
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Feb 20 05:47:05 2002 (#14255)

hey there eleanor! chica, dont feel like youre babbling!! i know what its like to not remember the last time a smile even flickered on your face, or the last time you werent convinced that everything around you was unreal. i dont know if you write poetry or anything, but sometimes when i just CANT figure out whats going on in my head or in the world i write about it...of course it doesnt make everything all better fast, but it helps a little. and it could definitely pass some time when you cant sleep! oh, and go rent monty pithon and the holy grail if you dont already have it. i know sometimes youll sit through a video from start to finish and not even realize you just watched something, but sometimes the noise in the backround is helpful...and you never know maybe youll laugh at something you catch in the video. :) reallly hope it helps!! much love!!

children screaming, unicorns bleeding
Posted by crystal on Wed Feb 20 03:53:15 2002 (#14241)

fuck unicorns. fuck undying love. fuck the beauty in the world. my love. my god. my jesus. i am dying here on my cross. i am bleeding from my knees as i suck one more hallmark i love you from the virgin whore of this world. i don't want to live anymore. you know what makes me cry. baby. you and every living thing. why can't you die. you poor thing. i want to help you suicide. baby. lets fuck. i'll leave you crying, bleeding. knowing what unicorns dance to. i'll show you my horns while we fuck and i carress you. with my obsenitites. i am tired of too many beautiful things burning. i want to hurt. want to feel. all the lovely has gone out of living. in channels and commercials and art deco decorating our dehydrated souls. too many martyrs with nothing to die for anymore. the skye is singing and i am out of tune with the sunshine. boys and girls are crying at the past for the future is a burned up turd of circumstances gone awry. and we're pregnant with i love yous. with no fathers to turn to. i am lonely nursing my sorrows. so i smoke and choke on my screams to the silent alarm clock bleeping 4:32 in the morning. the streets are empty and i run along the silent yellow lines. praying for wheels to run across my compost bones. the world is empty of beauty and eyes see nothing but dollars and nothing makes cents so i'm setting this shotgun against my forehead to protest the empty minutes and hollow voices. sighing in cries that have nothing to hold onto. god believe me. i miss you. all you little children crying. i fuck yo in my dreams of death. little ones. keep screaming. someday the screams will turn to singing.

this is for all of you hurting. things will get better someday. pain hurts but it doesnt last forever. love, crystal

children screaming, unicorns bleeding
Posted by crystal on Wed Feb 20 04:07:06 2002 (#14243)

i hope this isn't taken the wrong way...

fuck unicorns. fuck undying love. fuck the beaty in the world. my love. my god. my jesus. i am dying here on my cross. i am bleeding from my knees as i suck one more hallmark i love you from the virgin whore of this world. i don't want to live anymore. you know what makes me cry? baby. you and every living thing. why can't you die. you poor thing living. i want to help you suicide. baby. lets fuck. i'll leave you crying, bleeding. knowing what unicorns dance to. i'll show you my horns while we fck and i carress you, with my obsenities. i am tired of too many beautiful things burning. i want to hurt. to feel. all the lovely has gone out of living. in channels and commercials and art deco decorating our dehydrated souls. too many martyrs with nothing to die for anymore. the skye is singing and i am out of tune with the sunshine. boys and girls are crying at the past for the future is a burned up turd of circumstances gone awry. and we're pregnant with i love yous. with no fathers to turn to. i am lonely nursing my sorrows. so i smoke and choke on my screams to the silent alarm clock bleeping 4:32 in the morning. the streets are empty and i run along the silent yellow lines. praying for wheels to run across my compost bones. our world is so empty of beauty. eyes see nothing but dollars and nothing makes cents. so i'm setting this shotgun against my forehead to protest these empty minutes and hollow voices sighing in cries that have nothing to hold onto. god believe me. i miss you. all you little children crying. i fuck you in my dreams of death. little loved ones. keep screaming. someday the screams will turn to singing.

this is for everyone hurting. pain is hard but it doesn't last forever. love, crystal

sorry for posting that twice.
Posted by crystal on Wed Feb 20 04:14:01 2002 (#14246)

whoops. i am so bad with these damn computers sometimes. xoxoxox

mommy do you hear me cry
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 20 06:11:11 2002 (#14256)

do you remember daddy//the things you said to me//mommy do you hear me cry//and why do you never ask why//did you know my secrets still remain//and did you believe me when i said i changed//can you even remember my name//and everythings the same//little brother, how i tried//to see the world through your eyes//all the anger made me blind//i couldnt stay inside your mind//and i'm sorry for it all//just let me slowly fall//i'm leaving you today//over time these scars will fade//but the cuts dont go away

Re: mommy do you hear me cry
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Feb 20 18:59:49 2002 (#14264)

wow mego. that's really good. it describes my fucked up family really well. you write good poems. keep writin them. love to all. scaredinthedark

Re: mommy do you hear me cry
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 23:34:08 2002 (#14282)

That poem brought tears to my eyes when I thought I had none left to cry. It really does describe my life. I love reading your poems. I write too, maybe someday I'll have the guts to put them on the board. Love always, E x

Re: mommy do you hear me cry
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Feb 21 02:03:41 2002 (#14285)

Oh God, Mego! That was so beautiful! It brought tears to my eyes. I've printed this out to show to Tara. You are very gifted with words and I hope you continue to grace all of us with them. Take care sweetie. Love, Rhonda

Don't let me get me
Posted by kae on Wed Feb 20 10:48:03 2002 (#14258)

I don't know how many of you will have heard the songs on Pink's new album...but my favourite is "Don't let me get me" - I love the lyrics because they're so me...

I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

Its bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating

Don't wanna be my friend no more

I wanna be somebody else...

Thats the chorus. Do any of you feel that way as well...as though you're locked inside a person that you hate? I feel like that...I hate who I am, this stupid clumsy dorky self that I am stuck with. I've been thinking about it a lot lately...and I was finally able to understand why I can't stop cutting.

Without cutting, I am Nobody. I used to be Nobody. I was ignored, dismissed, unliked, Nobody. A total dork.

When I discovered cutting, I lost a part of my dorky self. I was suddenly in control of my person, of my mind. It was as though I was fighting back the dork with my knife...peeling away the layers to expose someone that I want to be...

I will become Somebody.

I still have to figure all of this out...

kae

Re: Don't let me get me
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 13:01:56 2002 (#14260)

I always feel like that. Like I'm trapped and I need to let myself out. In my mind I'm a totally different person to who my body wants me to be. I am a nobody. I've been ignored, dismissed, unliked and rejected until I began to wonder if I was relly a person at all. We all want to be somebody. It's funny how music can often be the only thing that seems to make sense, even when people don't. I sometimes forget that it's people who make the music, so maybe some of them must make sense, I mean it was a person who wrote all those songs wasn't it? There I go, rambling on again. Soory if that made no sense, I just wanted to let you know that what you said did make sense to me. Love E x

Re: Don't let me get me
Posted by zandra on Wed Feb 20 19:03:50 2002 (#14265)

i agree with you. the first time i heard that song i went omg is she singing about me. does she know me that well. i've never even met her and i want to be her best friend. idk who i am either. i haven't for a very long time. sometimes there are points where i think i know who i am but i still never know. if you wanna chat you can im me at sassycggurl. i have aol. take care. <3 always. zandra

Re: Don't let me get me
Posted by kae on Fri Feb 22 05:50:59 2002 (#14340)

hey thanks...it helps to know i'm not alone. i dont have aol (i live in new zealand) but i do have msn...do u? what's your email addy?

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: Don't let me get me
Posted by zandra on Fri Feb 22 16:13:39 2002 (#14343)

i don't have msn. sorry but you can still email me i think at sassycggurl@aol.com. we can talk that way. i hafta add your email address to my email list first i get limited email. so i don't get all the junk. i'll add you then write back. ok. <3 always zandra

What's in the future?
Posted by Eleanor Holmes on Wed Feb 20 12:47:38 2002 (#14259)

Thank you! I stil can't get over the fact that there are people out there who do care and understand. My parents went away to London taking my brother and sister with them. Dad works in government so he's away a lot. I don't know what my tablets are called, they begin with an S I think. I like writing, sometimes it's the only thing that makes me feel real. Even if my thoughts don't make any sense in my head, they usually mean something when they're written down on paper. Does that sound stupid? Sometimes i don't make any sense. I think my biggest fear is that this is all that there is. I look to the future and I can't see anything but the aching pain I feel inside and the need to let it all out the only way I know how. I used to love the sunshine but now it just hurts along with the rest of me. not that the sun ever shines in England. Does anyone else feel like this? I'm sorry, I'm rambling again. Love to you all, E x

Re: What's in the future?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Feb 21 02:03:53 2002 (#14286)

hey el! (hope you dont mind, im just a lazy typist), i know exactly how you feel! i used to have the highest hopes for my future but it feels like i was just SMACKED with a despondent reality check and all i can see is how nothing works out anyways and i cant do it anyway and its like youve fallen in a deep black hole and cant climb out...god way to brighten your day!! well maybe it did to know youre not alone...i dont know. just from hearing other people on the board has really helped me get through my days a little easier, i really hope its the same for you!! luv always!!

Re: What's in the future?
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Feb 21 11:58:40 2002 (#14295)

Hi. I don't mind at all, lotsa people call me el! It did help a lot, thanks. Just knowing that people do understand makes all the difference. Love ya! El x

WHATS HAPPENING?
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Wed Feb 20 13:59:49 2002 (#14261)

does no one use the psyke board anymore?

Re: WHATS HAPPENING?
Posted by zandra on Wed Feb 20 19:08:11 2002 (#14266)

what do you mean i use the psyke board everyday. maybe i don't write everyday but i'm here everyday. if you need someone to talk to you can im me if you want. sassycggurl. i'm on most of the time unless i have practice. like friday. well gotta go. <3 always zandra

scared
Posted by donna on Wed Feb 20 16:47:01 2002 (#14262)

i cut myself last night. i thought i would make it thru the day and night. i was doing quite well. i couldnt help myself. its so hard not knowing the reason for cutting myself. its so hard keeping it to myself but im too scared to tell my parents or any friend, close relative etc. im really scared of whats going to happen in the future. will i still be cutting, will i still be alive, will i still be living in my family home or wil i have runaway. will i have told my mum about my self harm or will i just carry on doing it in secret hopiing that i dont get caught out ???????????????????? im scared of the future, im scared of me. i know that i should just focus on today and not think about the future or the past but its easier said than done. thanks 4 reading my babble.

Re: scared
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 19:19:18 2002 (#14267)

Hey Sweetie, hope you're ok. i'm scared too. Scared of what i do to myself, scared that this is all there is. Nobody knows the answer to your questions, only time will tell. But I sincerly hope you will still be alive and that things will get better for you and all of us. Take care of yourself. Loads of love, E x x x

Re: scared
Posted by Donna on Wed Feb 20 20:02:16 2002 (#14268)

hi...i cut last night too!! the first time in three weeks..thats really good for me!! inside im screaming but i cant tell anyone!!i know it would be better in the long term!! well im here for ya when u need sum1!!! i agree with everything you say..and i hope things work out for you!!!

Re: scared
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 20:37:44 2002 (#14270)

At the moment things aren't looking good for me. I can't even leave the house i feel so low and paranoid. I'm sorry things got too much for you last night. I feel like crying. My best, my only real, friend came to check on me today. I love her more than anything in the world but I couldn't even smile for her. I know this is just one of my worst days and maybe tomrrow or in a couple of days I'll be a little better, but at the moment I just feel lost

Re: scared
Posted by A listening ear on Wed Feb 20 20:43:32 2002 (#14272)

Maybe talk to your good friend about things? Talking always helps to release bottled up feelings. I hope you feel better soon... If you wanna chat, I'm here to listen :o) Take care

~x~

Re: scared
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 21:17:34 2002 (#14273)

I wouldnt know how to start talking to her. I cant get anything straight in my head and I'm scared that I'd lose her if I tried to explain how I feel. I dont know why I feel that, Its just i always lose everything/one I care about. Everything i touch turns to shit. I'm sorry

shoot me now
Posted by Donna on Wed Feb 20 20:19:38 2002 (#14269)

hey guys! well....it all got too much for me last nite...it started with me crying and then i found the razor blade...right where i left it!!!my heart said no..but i was shaking like crazy-i needed to release the anger and that was the only way i knew how!!! god...i do want to die..i just wish i didnt feel guilty...gotta go!!!!

Re: shoot me now
Posted by A listening ear on Wed Feb 20 20:40:36 2002 (#14271)

I'm sorry to hear you couldn't prevent yourself from cutting... What made you so angry? If you wanna chat to get things off your chest, I'm a good listener. IM me on: MistyPink17. Hold on in there :o) Take care

~x~

Re: shoot me now
Posted by mego on Wed Feb 27 01:45:44 2002 (#14477)

me too. it had been three days. three whole days, which might not seem long, but it was for me. and i blew it. lets throw a fucking party.

i duno what to do nemore
Posted by diana on Wed Feb 20 21:37:19 2002 (#14275)

i was doing so well, i didn't cut for a month. n now ever since ive been with this guy (almost a month) things have been really messed up. n this weekend i slipped up n cut myself 2x. i was doing better and now im back where i started with the same feelings, the same abuse, and not being my happy self. and i honestly don't know what to do anymore....

Re: i duno what to do nemore
Posted by Donna on Wed Feb 20 21:46:06 2002 (#14276)

dont give up....at da mo i haveat least 20 marks on my arms....im fightin this tho..not very well but i know ill get thru it!! u hav to have faith! no guy is worth doin that to yourself...and he's not worth it if he triggered old feelings!!! u gotta get thru this with ur real friends-those who will support u thru it all....we're all her 4 ya if ya ever need to chat

Re: i duno what to do nemore
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 21:53:07 2002 (#14277)

Hey. I'm sorry you felt you had to go back to cutting yourself. Maybe you should sit down and think about what it was that made you stop in the first place and then think about why you started again. Is there anyway you can eliminate the thing that made you cut again? You did so well before, don't giv up now! I' sorry if this hasn't been any help but know I'm here for you. Take care and good luck, love E x

Re: i duno what to do nemore
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Feb 21 02:11:19 2002 (#14287)

Hey Diana, Sorry to hear you cut again, but don't worry about it. Everyone falls and stumbles at times. Just keep battling and forging ahead. Take it one day at a time. We're all here for you. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

*~Fine~*
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Feb 20 22:28:46 2002 (#14278)

i was sitting in english class, last period of the day, the other day and we could do whatever we wanted so i wrote a poem. here it is.

i sit here all alone,//in my safe and secure corner.//the silence washes over me,//like a big black hole.//the darkness engulfs me//like the pain that i feel//but i release myself now//and that pain disappears.//the pain has cut deep this time,//i don't know yet,//if the pain is enough,//but i don't fret,//i know the outcome of the other pain.//i've been fine,//a little dizzy,//but fine.//this one won't stop though,//it's pouring out,//i wonder if i'm going to be ok.//or if something bad will happen.//i'm leaving now.//the blackness is here.//i'll see you tomorrow.// or will i?....

i hope everyone likes it. idk why i wrote it but that's how i felt just sitting there while everyone else talked to each other. no one talks to me in that class so i just wrote this poem. bye everyone. love to all. scaredinthedark

Re: *~Fine~*
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Feb 20 23:25:35 2002 (#14279)

I like it. You don't always have to know why youve written something, sometimes the things that have the most meaning don't have a reason. I like it a lot

Re: *~Fine~*
Posted by scaredinthedark on Wed Feb 20 23:27:29 2002 (#14280)

thanks.

Re: *~Fine~*
Posted by Tara's Mom on Thu Feb 21 02:15:06 2002 (#14288)

Like I've said before, you guys are so gifted with words. I've started printing and keeping some of ya'll's poems. They are just so good. Tara used to do that and hers were really, really dark. In fact, some of them scared me, but I understood that this was her feelings and I'd rather see them in print than to have her do some of them personally. Keep writing if it helps you any at all. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

wednesday
Posted by cindy on Wed Feb 20 23:29:14 2002 (#14281)

I went to see a university today and it was awful-I was late and had to go into the lecture theater after the talk had already started and I hate that I thought I was going to break down. all I could think whilst being shown around the place was that there was no chance of me ever fitting into a place like that...I;m just not cut out for this or any other life. I am of no use to anyone and all this pretending I am is so painful...I want a wya out but I just dont have the guts so what am I left with? these stupid scars on my stupid fuckign arms-there are hundreds now and it's so ugly that I cant even look at myself anymore. is there a way out of this because I cant see one. and I hate that. I wish that I knew there was a goal that I could aim for that at which point everything wuld feel rosy but I cant even imagien it never mind aim for it. okay i've finished. take care of yourselves, cindy xoxox

Re: wednesday
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Feb 21 03:19:28 2002 (#14289)

hey cindy!! i dont know what i can say to make you feel a little more confident, but chica, lemme tell you, you are SMART and you can do it! sure itll be tough, but you will get through and once you do youll be so much stronger than everyone around you. i know it sounds so cliched, but it is TRUE. luv always!!

i cut my wrist
Posted by *me* on Thu Feb 21 01:11:59 2002 (#14283)

I haven't cut my wrist in almost a year. A YEAR. I still cut allllllll the time, but I stopped on my wrists because 1) it's more "dangerous" and 2) they're so damn hard to hide! No one sees my hips or thighs, but wrists...that's another story. But anyways, my mom and I got into this massive fight last night and I just couldn't take it anymore and I cut my wrist. I didn't even care. I was like, screw it, and I just did. And I mean a lot. But now I'm worried because it's almost springtime and short sleeves are soon approaching and my arm looks horrible. And I guess I'm also sort of disappointed in myself because I had stopped cutting there (I know, some of you stop cutting COMPLETELY, but it was really hard for me to just stop in that one area).

Re: i cut my wrist
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Feb 21 03:59:12 2002 (#14290)

you need to focus on the year that you spent NOT cutting your wrists! that is a HUGE accomplishment! youre allowed to have slip ups, everyone is going to, just dont let the slip ups take control of you! just know youre taking baby steps and youre bound to stumble and fall, you just gotta get right back up and keep going, because you can! dont worry about springtime, im not sure how much you did on your arms, so i donno if this will help, but if its your wrists your worried about, you can wear thick bracelets, theyre really coming back in style, and with one of those you can easily hide about 2 inches of your wrist...again i donno if thats enough, but its a start!! luv always!!

Re: i cut my wrist
Posted by ChrisE on Thu Feb 21 18:55:52 2002 (#14318)

Kay, what's done is done, so try not to give yourself a hard time about it. Everyone slips from time to time. I'm sorry, I don't have any good advice about short sleeves. I just don't wear them. Try wearing long sleeves but made out of thin materials? Hugs xx

nothing to lose
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Feb 21 01:30:34 2002 (#14284)

I wrote this earlier because I needed to focus on something. It's not great but I need to let some of this shit out.

Too scared to live, I wish to die//they look at me and wonder why//to outsiders I have it all//but they can't see behind these walls//the secrets that tear me apart inside//desperation I fight so hard to hide//the blood that flows beneath my veins//one thing unhibited in my life of chains//a barbed wire fence around my soul//to break this trap my only goal//a blade in the dark can set me free//the scars have become a part of me//a hand to reach out is all I need//but instead all alone I sit and bleed

Re: nothing to lose
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Feb 21 04:03:54 2002 (#14291)

eleanor thats awesome! im glad you wrote it to focus!! writing can deffinately be helpful. i really connected with it, especially the two lines "the blood that flows beneath my veins/ one thing uninhibited in my life of chains". good work!!

Re: nothing to lose
Posted by scared AKA donna on Thu Feb 21 14:12:40 2002 (#14296)

that reduced me to tears chuck. ive never tried writing poetry about how i feel. i mite though itll keep me ocupyed. ill keep you posted with my progress. trying to be ever sooooo optimistic here......you never know i could be famous with my world class poetry and win loada awards n stuff. he he he he.....i went to the match last night, it was fantastic so its put me in a good mood for the moment. i hpoe that you are ok, its strange bcs i feel like ive known you for quite a while when in fact ive written to you for 2 days. STRANGE. by the way just so that you and i dont get confused.....i think there maybe 2 donnas in here. dont know if you know that already but i didnt until now. rite then i shall stop writing now.......im sure im borin the hell outta you (im like that you see.....i never shut up...i apologise for any inconvenience experienced in the future for my constant babbling) i hope that you are ok and that your poetry helped to release some of the pain love n stuff Donna xx (woah! im sorry about the length of this message!!!!!!)

Re: nothing to lose
Posted by scaredinthedark on Thu Feb 21 17:55:36 2002 (#14307)

that's really good. keep writin. take care. scaredinthedark

Re: nothing to lose
Posted by Donna on Thu Feb 21 21:06:25 2002 (#14325)

that wos great-keep writing!! i can really relate to that and im sure every1 else can too! keep going! luv donna

scared AKA donna
Posted by me on Thu Feb 21 14:56:20 2002 (#14297)

i ve just written what is an attempt at poety. i wrote just what came straight into my head so pls dont laugh!

WHY?

why i am doing this to myself i do not know, the pain is building up inside yet i refuse to let it show. i refuse to seek help from my mum and dad, they wouldnt understand tey would label me bad. im crying inside i have nowhere to turn, the scream is getting louder why wont i learn. why wont i learn the lesson that is here, that i shouldnt kep my pain bottled up, it will turn into fear. i fear for my sanity that is gradually slipping away, praying that i will be happy and healthy like before some day. what ashames me the most is that i do not know why, cuting myself is my alternative to living high up in the sky. i feel so much pain,so much anger, so much shame and confusion. yet i have no reasons for these feelings its all a dellusion. i have no little trigger or life experience to account for my self harm. knowing this fact constantly thinking im crazy, its so hard to stay calm. my hopes and dreams have faded away, all for nothing,no reason im aware of, no obvious reason i can think of. I FEEL ASHAMEDTO BE ME. i need someone to try and unlock my mind, but first they must find the golden key......because i cant.

thankyou

Re: scared AKA donna
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Feb 21 15:29:11 2002 (#14298)

Hey sweetie, hope you're ok. I'm glad you enjoyed the match. I feel like I've known you for ages as well, it is weird. I'm not doing too well at the moment, finding it hard to cope. I need to find something to break my "bad" cycle but this time i'm finding that even harder than usual. I'm glad you liked the poem. Yours is great, i'd NEVER laugh at something like that. It must be so hard not knowing why you cut. I do know why I do but I still feel so ashamed, confused and crazy. But we can't think like that. We're not crazy, we all have our reasons for what we do, even if we don't conciously know what they are. Take care of yourself honey, I'm here if you need to talk. Love n stuff, E x

Re: scared AKA donna
Posted by scared AKA donna on Thu Feb 21 16:22:59 2002 (#14299)

thankyou, youve made me feel better. it was weird writing that poem might do it more often even though it is not as good as others on this site, its mine so. i dont feel as though i should be on this site you know because i have no reason for self harm that i no of. i also dont cut as deep. i scratch but enough for blood. i hope you dont think im weird but i like to see the marks. thats what makes me feel ok. it doesnt feel like two months of cutting it feels like ive done this all my life. im not ready to stop either, nor am i ready to tell anyone (i.e. mum). im sorry to hear that you arent doing too good at the moment. just try and remember that there are people out there that care, people who can relate to what your going through and people who just want to help but dont neccessarily understand fully as they dont harm themselves e.g your friend who came round to see you. you will get through each day as it comes. i can tell you are brave and strong, youve made me look at my self harm in a different way, youve made me realise im not alone. anyway (il stop typing now) cheers love n stuff donna xx

Re: scared AKA donna
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Feb 21 16:31:11 2002 (#14300)

of course you should be on this site. It doesn't matter that you don't know the reason for your cutting, there must be something making you do it and if being here helps in any way then you should definitly keep coming back. You make me feel better anyway. I may seem to be strong but I'm not, I'm just glad that I can be of some good to other people, even if I'm falling apart. thank you, love El x x x

Freak
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Feb 21 16:40:08 2002 (#14301)

Last night I felt so low that it scared me. I took my knife and carved freak into my leg and just sat and watched it bleed. I've never cut my legs before. My arms are covered in scars and cuts but I usually only cut there. Am I really a freak? I keep thinking that I don't fit in anywhere, that I don't deserve to be happy and that's why things keep happening to make me so down. I'm useless and stupid. I'm sorry about this but I had to say something

Re: Freak
Posted by Donna on Thu Feb 21 17:01:53 2002 (#14302)

you're not a freak-u hav to believe that your not!!!!!And if course you deserve to be happy-everyone does!!! All of us go through both good and bad times in life and if you turn to those who care for you ,you can get through the hard times!! Im sorry you cut-i do too-it helps but i know i have to stop it!!!Believe in yourself-you're neither stupid or useless and im sure there are lots of people out there who care for you!! I hope you're ok now and get through this!!!

Re: Freak
Posted by scared AKA donna on Thu Feb 21 18:23:32 2002 (#14313)

you are not a freak! if you are a freak that means i am too. if you wanna cut yourself wherever it happens to be be you do that if it helps. it doesnt mean you are a freak ok? love n stuff donna xx

Re: Freak
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Feb 22 02:12:54 2002 (#14336)

Hey Eleanor, You're not stupid, useless or a freak. Tara used to cut her legs also. She also carved words in her legs and on one of her arms. The scars have faded but I know she will always be reminded of the pain in her life at that time. It helped her get through it. Tara didn't fit in either, that's why she quit school. Eleanor, everyone deserves to be happy, even you. YOu may not feel like it, but it's true. Always remember that I care about you and if you're feeling low, write me. I will always be here for you. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

poem of my life
Posted by Donna on Thu Feb 21 17:48:36 2002 (#14304)

"get on the floor u little bitch"/he'd take my clothes off stitch by stitch/i'd scream and cry and plead with him/his face was dark,the room was dim/what happened next i will not say/but im sure you'll guess in every way/ and now i feel i cant go on/where has the sun gone that once shone/all i have is that bloody knife/please come and free me from my strife. my blood it drips from both my wrists/the problems are too much-unending lists/he is the cause of my upset life/i could easily stab him with that knife. i must go on though the end draws near/im filled with pain and utmost fear/i will fight however to the end/i hope that sun is round the bend!!

Re: poem of my life
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Feb 21 17:59:38 2002 (#14309)

Hey. thank you for what you said before. keep on fighting. i really do hope that there is sun round the bend for you. take care. love always, Eleanor x x x

Re: poem of my life
Posted by Donna on Thu Feb 21 18:09:17 2002 (#14311)

i hope there's a sun around the bend for you too!! u deserve it!!!u should try writing a poem-it really helped me-im smiling right now-sumthing i dont do a lot! keep going!!! luv donna

Re: poem of my life
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Feb 21 18:13:49 2002 (#14312)

I did write one before and you're right, it does help. It's on the board if u wanna read it, "nothing to lose". It isn't great but it's really me, you know? Love El x x

poem of my life
Posted by Donna on Thu Feb 21 17:50:18 2002 (#14305)

hey guys, this is the first poem ive tried-it felt good doin it!i hope you like it and mabye relate to it in some way! if u think it sucks dont b afraid to say! my blood it drips from both my wrists/the problems are too much-unending lists/he is the cause of my upset life/i could easily stab him with that knife. i must go on though the end draws near/im filled with pain and utmost fear/i will fight however to the end/i hope that sun is round the bend!!

poem of my life
Posted by Donna on Thu Feb 21 17:53:57 2002 (#14306)

this is my first poem-i hope they'll improve! its not really "dark"-the light comes through in it-thank god!

the first two arent finished-read the third one
Posted by Donna on Thu Feb 21 17:57:53 2002 (#14308)

hey guys-the first two are incomplete-read the third poem of my life

Re: poem of my life
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Feb 21 18:03:14 2002 (#14310)

they don't need to improve. x

scared AKA donna
Posted by scared AKA donna on Thu Feb 21 18:26:36 2002 (#14314)

ive just cut myself again im seriously pissed off now! whats the point in life

Re: scared AKA donna
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Feb 21 18:36:32 2002 (#14316)

I don't think anyone can answer that question. I just know that everybody does some good in their life, no matter who theyare or what they go through. don't give up now! love n stuff, El x x

i have a question
Posted by scared AKA donna on Thu Feb 21 18:34:30 2002 (#14315)

should i tell my parents about my self harm? i dont no what to do. its being going on for 2 months and i have no known reason for doing it. i need help xx

Re: i have a question
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Feb 21 18:41:50 2002 (#14317)

People will have lots of different answers to that but here's mine. It depends what kind of relationsship you have with them. I was forced into telling mine and it just made things worse, but everyones home situation is different. Only you can know if its the right thing to do but it might help. Love n stuff, E X

Re: i have a question
Posted by SCAREDINTHEDARK on Thu Feb 21 20:39:50 2002 (#14322)

idk that's a hard question. like eleanor said it depends on yur relationship with them. i can't tell my parents. they would be like slap on the hand and don't do it again. lol. you should probably tell them cause it might make you feel better. idk though. best of luck to you. love ya lots. scaredinthedark

Re: i have a question
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Feb 22 01:51:04 2002 (#14333)

Hey, That depends on how good you get along with them. Of course, since I'm a parent of a cutter, it was a big relief to me to finally figure out what was going on with Tara. It hurt, but it wasn't about me, it was all about Tara. We despertly(?) wanted to help her in any way we could. Please consider telling them that you really want some help with this. Since you've only been doing this for 2 months, it might be easier to figure out why you cut. First thing would be to find a good and understanding therapist. They can help you figure out why and how to deal with it. Just my own opinion, but I would want to know if my child was hurting themself. If you want to email and ask me any questions, please do. I would also be happy to try to talk to your parents if they have any questions. YOu can give them my email address if you want to. Please take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

parent's evening
Posted by cindy on Thu Feb 21 20:05:24 2002 (#14319)

okay so it's parent's evening tonight and I'm petrified-my teachers have apparently been asking after me expressing concern and my history teacher the other day saw some scars and asked what they were-I'm so scared that they're going to start something off because no-one like my parents know about what I do to myself...well there's only one way to find out...give you all an update when I get back-shit this is awful. take care. cindy xox

Re: parent's evening
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Feb 21 20:38:16 2002 (#14321)

Boy do i know how you feel. When one of my teachers saw my scars they told my parents. I can't describe how terrified I was just waiting for the trouble to start. I hope everything works out okay for you. love always, Eleanor x

Re: parent's evening
Posted by scared AKA donna on Thu Feb 21 20:59:47 2002 (#14323)

been there done that got the t shirt......well sort of. ive been in the situation where teach finds out but i was lucky coz i acted really normal afterwards as if everything was OK. they then asked to speak to me and i put on this really good act which in the end convinced them not to say anything to my parents. social services got involved with me aswell. it was terrible but i got through it by putting on my act. i have to stress though that i also had my age as an advantage. im 16 and they reckon im old enough to make my own mind up. take care and good luck xx

Re: parent's evening
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Feb 22 01:53:02 2002 (#14334)

Cindy, I hope everything goes okay for you. PLease let me know how it goes. Take care. Love, Rhonda

where has everyone gone?
Posted by pink girl on Thu Feb 21 20:34:32 2002 (#14320)

i was just wondering where everyone has gone from the new bored. i thought this one was going to close so i stopped coming here and just going to the new one (www.psyke.org for new people) but now there is hardly any messages at all. does anyone know how anyone is doing and stuff? n e way take care love sarah xxx

confused, scared, alone, angry, hurt, neglected, a
Posted by scared AKA donna on Thu Feb 21 21:03:40 2002 (#14324)

i think ive said everything just from the subject. having such a terrible day, what with worrying about whether to tell my parents and cutting myself more than usual in one day. im losing the plot.

Re: confused, scared, alone, angry, hurt, neglecte
Posted by Donna on Thu Feb 21 21:11:09 2002 (#14326)

you're not losing the plot-it takes a lot of courage to tell someone something like this-youre probably anxious bout it all and once you decide whether youre gonna tell your parents or not it wont b as bad! its only adding extra pressure on you! have faith-keep going!!! im here if u need me!

Re: confused, scared, alone, angry, hurt, neglecte
Posted by scaredinthedark on Thu Feb 21 21:12:00 2002 (#14327)

don't let it get to you. i know how that feels. i didn't end up tellin my parents but if you think it will help then you should tell them. maybe it won't put too much strain on you then. and you'll be able to get enough help to stop cutting. it wouldn't help me but maybe it would help you. take care. lots of love. scaredinthedark

Re: confused, scared, alone, angry, hurt, neglecte
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Feb 21 21:20:15 2002 (#14328)

You know what I said before. I'm not gonna give you any more of my wonderful advice, just letting you know I'm still here for you. Love n stuff, El xx x

strange
Posted by scared AKA donna on Thu Feb 21 21:24:16 2002 (#14329)

this is all really weird for me. ive only been cutting for 2 months and i only just found this site tuesday. i feel like an emotional wreck, i dont understand it. i get so panicky like i really wanna cut myself. i try to resist temptation but sometimes its so overwhelming that i cut anyway. i dont want to but i do. a friend of mine used to cut. she told every1 tho, didnt keep it a secret. i couldnt understand it then but woah i do now. i understand that in order for me to feel better i need to cut. its great to see the marks and the blood. knowing that it makes you feel better though does any1 actually feel ashamed afterwards coz i do and coz im fairly new to this i wondered if any1 else felt that.??

Re: strange
Posted by diana on Fri Feb 22 02:17:20 2002 (#14337)

ive been doin it for over 2 years now, n yeah i feel so guilty n ashamed afterwards. i feel like i let myself n others down(meaning my best friend). like when u try to stop, like stop for a month n then do it again... well that makes me feel like complete shit. but hell, i guess u hafta move on. the one thing im worried bout is this big big scar on my shoulder that says fat n i duno what to do about it, because when bathingsuit time comes round, well thats gonna suck.

ne1 told bout ther relatives self harm on ere?????
Posted by IF SO HOW DID YOU REACT on Thu Feb 21 21:37:12 2002 (#14330)

as you probably alredy no i want to tell my mum bout my self harm but she is sooo judgemental. i cant help thinking she is just gonna turn against me. neway what i was wondering is if there si ne 1 on this site who has been told by a close relative or family friend about them self harming. maybe you could give me some advice about hows best to spill the beans? i no im been a pest tonight asking loads of questions but im getting to the point where i really do need to tell someone about myself harm xx

Re: ne1 told bout ther relatives self harm on ere?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Fri Feb 22 02:04:44 2002 (#14335)

If you're really concerned about telling your mom, is there some other adult who could help you tell her? Tara didn't really tell us cause we found out after having the police take custody of her. That was a big shock!!! But we took the steps we needed to get Tara the help she needed. OUr feelings didn't play into it all. This was about helping her. Like I've told others on the board, I'm more than willing to talk to parents and help them go through what we went through. It's a hard, tough road, but they can make it work. If you really want help, please consider telling her, and if it scares you bad enough, get someone to help you tell her. I know our police officers, or the few we dealt with, were so much help. It hurt so bad to see Tara in custody and taken to the hospital, but the officers helped us to see that this was the only way we could save Tara. She was at the point where she couldn't save herself. I think that was the hardest thing we've ever had to do. Please email me if you want to talk or ask some questions. I'm here for you no matter what you decide to do. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

alone always
Posted by Erryn on Sun Feb 24 21:01:02 2002 (#14395)

I have been cutting for eleven years i am twenty six years old and a single mother of two. I started a new job and have been there for close to four months, recently people have been asking me about my arms and i tell them i have a very vicous cat but some of them know the truth, i feel like i should move on because i am known as a freak and weirdo how do i get their acceptance and get my freinds back, if it wasn't for my children i would be gone. i hope someone understands

our smiles were so innocent
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 22 05:25:25 2002 (#14338)

the picture of us back in the day//our smiles were so innocent//now look at us, we're fading away//when will things be right again//we promised ourselves not to get older//and never to let ourselves change//now i love how my head fits on you sholder//and things won't be the same//i'm trying to erase these good times//that are clinging close to me//some of these things wont leave my mind//these precious memories//now i see you walk away//and my clothes are cold and wet//i remember your promises not to leave this way//you haven't kept one yet

Re: our smiles were so innocent
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Feb 22 05:50:58 2002 (#14339)

hey chica! good job, i like this one, unfortunately it seems thats how most friendships/relationships end...

Re: our smiles were so innocent
Posted by scaredinthedark on Fri Feb 22 16:22:58 2002 (#14344)

mego this poem is good. it's like your other poems. they reach down deep into the heart and touch or move people. you are really talented. keep writing and posting. they are very good. lots of love. scaredinthedark

some more babble
Posted by scared AKA donna on Fri Feb 22 12:26:10 2002 (#14341)

i cried and cried, the cries turned to screams. i couldnt handle the neglect, i couldnt handle the emptiness, feeling so alone suicide was my only goal in life. i entered the family home, the family home where i was all alone, where nobody came to greet me, all i could see was the knife. i stared at the knife in utter panic, insanity had finally got the better of me, i had nowhere to turn, all i could see was the knife.my room where i had grown up, the room that had so many memories, some good some bad, my new CD player, i begged to have, but all i could see was the knife. i reached over for the knife, the blade so sharp, so shiny. my arm so vulnerable so blank. a mark had to be made, one tiny mark to proove my existance. the blood came ooozing out, i watched and laughed then cried out. i headed straight for the mirror to see my achievement, the feeling of relief came over me. it felt good i thought as i put the knife away. then i went to sleep and relived that same day.

what self harm means to me
Posted by scarde AKA donna on Fri Feb 22 16:02:39 2002 (#14342)

what self harm means to me:

S is for safety E is for everyone that doesnt understand me L is for life and the fact im still here F is for feelings of disgust H is for having control over my life A is for anger R is for releasing my feelings M is for memories

Re: what self harm means to me
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 22 22:23:11 2002 (#14347)

hell yeah bro

Re: what self harm means to me
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Feb 23 20:31:54 2002 (#14361)

hey sweetie, thta made a lot of sense to me. love n stuff, el x

a weekend without cutting..
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Feb 22 21:10:01 2002 (#14345)

ok, this weekend im traveling with my sailing team and we will be gone for 3 days. i have to share a room with these two girls that are just SO mean. maybe im just being sensitive but theyll ask me a question or ask my opinion on something and then ill say like two words before they lose interest and interupt me and start tlaking to each other. then ill kinda shut up and go *off into my little world* and theyll be like beka are you ok? and i get so frustrated cause they dont CARE. once i started saying that NO, i wasnt ok and they didnt even listen they started talking over me. anyways the point is that we have to fly to where we are going and we arent allowed to check any bags cause we dont have time to pick them up, and since the airport security is so strict (since sept 11 and all) i cant put any sort of razor blade or swiss army knife in my carry on cause theyll take it away. i know im probably being obsessive but i DONT KNOW how im going to survive these three days with my team and no razor blade!!! i have no other way i know how to cope and am seriously worried. does anyone have any advice? i was thinking i could smash my shaving razor and use those blades, but ive done that before and they arent sharp enough. if you read this can you respond kinda quickly (like email me or something) im leaving in a couple hours and cant even imagine what im going to do.

Re: a weekend without cutting..
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Feb 23 20:37:08 2002 (#14362)

hey honey, I'm sorry I didn't get there in time so you won't get this til u get bak. Sweetie, you said the other day in your e mail that I was strong. well I'm not but I think that you are and I know you'll get through this. E mail me wen u get back to tell me how u got on. I'm thinking of you. love always, el x

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Posted by *me* on Fri Feb 22 21:42:14 2002 (#14346)

I'm mad. So we got our progress reports today, everyone in the school gets one halfway through the quarter, and I was pretty proud of it. So I take it home and my mom asks me what I got, and I rattle off my grades so far (mind you, these don't even COUNT bc they're not report cards, they're just to show how you're doing so far!!). Ok, so I'm in ALL honors classes, right? And my lowest grade is a B, and other than that I'm getting all A's, it's just I'm having a hard time in this one honors class (and plus my teacher doesn't grade ANYTHING so we have - literally - 3 grades in the class so far this quarter). And my mom goes off like I'm some criminal or something. I'm pissed. I work so hard for school, and I stress out about it so much, and I know a B isn't a grade I usually get, it wasn't like I was HAPPY to see it, and I don't need someone criticizing me like I'm TRYING to do bad! I spend my life with a freaking tutor for that class just so I can understand what's going on, it's not like I blow it off. And I have the REST OF THE YEAR to bring it up to an A, and my mom was acting like I just failed life or something. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I'M SO MAD AND UPSET RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This has been a crappy, crappy, crappy week.

Re: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Posted by mego on Fri Feb 22 22:45:32 2002 (#14348)

my parents used to be like that, and it took a lot of fighting and trying to calm down and explaining before they eased up a bit. actually, about five years.(it started around fourth grade, its finally calmed down now) i still have a lot of pressure, but talking to them helped a lot. now, i'm allowed to get b's too. i'm still getting bitched at for skipping out on an honors class, but hey, its better than before, and i'm not getting beat on for any of my grades anymore. i dont know if your parents hit you for that shit, too, but talking to them afterwards about grades, and explaining how bad it hurts to get in trouble for something you're proud of helped for me. like i said, it probably won't help right away, it took me a few years, but eventually it might get better. i don't know if this could help you, i really hope it does. good luck, if you need to talk write me some mail or im me (on AIM, megox182x and for msn or hotmail, just my address).

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

senseless babble
Posted by mego on Sat Feb 23 00:12:01 2002 (#14349)

bleech to make my teeth a shade whiter//lip gloss to make my smile brighter//a joint to help me relax//scars to remind me of the past//a cut to remind me i'm still alive//a cigarette to help me survive//a smile from the sweet smoke drifting around my head//somebodys laugh reminds me i'm not dead//thoughts drift with the music, closer and far//every once in a while i forget where we are//then something brings me back to reality//senseless babble someone whispers to me//lights go out and my head finally rests//can't remember much so i take a guess//bruises here and there, smeared makeup on my face//clothes and belongings all over the place//someone bursts into the room screaming to take another hit//i was looking for my happiness, i guess i've found it

Re: senseless babble
Posted by katelyn on Sat Feb 23 04:10:47 2002 (#14351)

love the poem.... copied it and printed it hope you dont mind but if anyone asks ill give you full credit......

Re: senseless babble
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 24 03:13:51 2002 (#14369)

yeah, thats fine

anone else get treated diff. from parents too?
Posted by katelyn on Sat Feb 23 04:26:55 2002 (#14352)

well a while ago about a year and a half my mother saw some scars on my arms and she "demanded" me to stop. Well, suprise suprise, i didnt stop and i tried hard to not let her see my scars but she would find out and then she suddenly started to let me do whatever i wanted, thinking it would help me stop. It justs frustrates me becuz she thinks by saying yes to whatever i want to do with myself it will make me like her and life. she thinks we have this super relationship but when you break it down sometimes i feel that either of us, well me i know, does not love the other. I wont go into details about any of this and well i really dont know the purpose of this post at all kinda rambling but i wanted to get it off my chest and to see if anyone elses parents did this to them. and really this is senseless so i might as well not even post this but then it would be a waste of my time..... yeeeeah dont you hate it when you know what you want to say but it just wont come out right. yeah me too. well yeah---- nite bye and that other stuuufff - katelyn

Re: anone else get treated diff. from parents too?
Posted by Beautiful Loser on Sat Feb 23 05:35:03 2002 (#14355)

My mom does the same thing, she doesn't or hasn't told me to stop, but she treats me differently, yes. For the 5 years that I've been cutting, she hasn't told me to stop, she's cried with me very few times, but done this weird treatment stuff a lot more. Like, I guess it's been happening ever since I was a little girl, but she'd always tell my brother or sister not to do something, so I could do it, I think it's disturbing actually ... Hearing, "shane stop it, before she gets mad!" "Dawn, did you wanna go out or soemthing?" ... always heard when I was looking a little sad. Yea, I can relate.

Beautiful Loser

Re: anone else get treated diff. from parents too?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Sat Feb 23 19:23:16 2002 (#14360)

Hi, I'm the mom of a cutter so I'll tell you how we treated Tara. We got her the help she needed, but never treated her any different than her sister. She didn't get special things done for her because of her cutting and she sure didn't get any special treatment over anyone else. She was expected to do her chores, go to school, and basically work on herself. This whole thing she had to work on by herself cause I couldn't do it for her. I was there for her when she needed help or a shoulder to cry on, but the work was hers. Telling you to stop is not gonna make it happen. Your mother may be in denial about your cutting also. It's hard sometimes for parents to understand why our kids do this to themselves. We figure if we ignore it, it will go away, but of course, that only makes matters worse. Our kids deserve love and support in coping with the cutting and what ever else goes with this. We were lucky as we found out about Tara cutting fairly early, but it still took almost 4 years of therapy and medication. She's only cut once in the last 8 or 9 months, but this is something that will always be with her. I can only hope and pray that your mom will figure things out soon and start to really help you. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care of yourself. Love, Rhonda

Re: anone else get treated diff. from parents too?
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 24 03:19:12 2002 (#14370)

my mom is kinda like that. she knows that i still cut, she doesn't say anything about it unless she reads poerty she finds in my room. then she bitches because it hurts her feelings. when i come in smelling like smoke, she makes sure i didn't take her cigarettes. when i come in stoned, she tells me to be quiet, or i'll wake up my dad. when i come in drunk, she tells me to go to the bathroom if i'm gonna get sick. those are on good days, other days, well i'm not gonna get into that. i dont know if it means she doesnt care or that shes sick or trying or something, or if it means that she wants to make me happy. i wish i could help, i dont know why i'm going on about this cause i have no clue what to say except that its the same with me...

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: anone else get treated diff. from parents too?
Posted by katelyn on Sun Feb 24 04:26:01 2002 (#14378)

thanks guys reading your posts helped me look at it in different ways well just thanks for respondin

Re: anone else get treated diff. from parents too?
Posted by Abigail on Sun Feb 24 05:20:54 2002 (#14380)

My parents now know about my cutting and they have started to treat me different. My mom doesn't want me to hide my feelings and both are proud that I am trying to seek treatment/help. But they keep getting me stuff to make me happy but I am the only one that can make myself happy that and medication. I wish that it would just all go away and I could be that happy person they want me to be.

Re: anone else get treated diff. from parents too?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Feb 25 06:33:28 2002 (#14405)

after my parents found out they completely started treating me differently. they started buying me lots of expensive jewelry, got me a credit card, let me get a dog even though theyve been saying no to that for years. they let me do basically whatever i want...except occasionally my mom will freak out and start cussing me out and other stuff, and my dad..well sometimes he just gets..really mad at me...but whatever.

Re: anone else get treated diff. from parents too?
Posted by katelyn on Wed Feb 27 03:33:48 2002 (#14492)

yeah i know what you mean my mom let me get a dog lets me get body mods change my room around like she said no to before shes lettin me get dreads then doesnt give a shit about me or give me the time of day later. damn mom....... boooohhooooo o well i guess ill get over it always have

Re: anone else get treated diff. from parents too?
Posted by She on Tue Mar 5 19:09:28 2002 (#14730)

When my pearents found out they were compleate bitches to me they pritty much ignored my all together my mother screamed at me loads .They wrnt at all understanding. I dont know what people are on about when they say tell someone aboute it . I never told n e 1 but the worst day of my life was when they found out. Belive me it hasnt helped at all. Luv She XxXxXxXxXx

Re: anone else get treated diff. from parents too?
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Mar 9 11:55:54 2002 (#14899)

Hi The worst day of my life was when my mum found out too. My mum now ignores that i ever did or still do it but alway makes sure my dad doesnt find out, because if he did he'd take me off her and Id get put into care. She doesnt understand that I cant stop and she doesnt understand why, I try to explain but I think she just doesnt want to understand. So count yourself lucky all you people who get jewlrey and stuff, Id love a new necklace! Broken Girl

um
Posted by diana on Sat Feb 23 04:46:27 2002 (#14353)

i uh got dumped tonight n i feel like complete shit right now.....n i duno what im gonna do.. but i know i can't take it nemore or take another day...

Re: um
Posted by Beautiful Loser on Sat Feb 23 05:37:29 2002 (#14356)

Shit! I'm really sorry! The only thing I could tell you to do is sleep! take a bath!

Re: um
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 24 03:20:44 2002 (#14371)

i dont know what to say. i'm not a good relationship person. you can talk to me if you want, whatever works out. sorry.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever-Incubus

Re: um
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Feb 25 06:36:56 2002 (#14406)

hey chica im so sorry!!! breakups are the WORST! i dont know how to advise you though...but bubble bath and bath salts are fun, a night with your best friends, MONTY PITHON, a good book, anything to keep your mind off of it at least for the time being!

trying to quit
Posted by Abby on Sat Feb 23 06:36:48 2002 (#14357)

Hey, I was just recently hospitalized for suicide, but now that I am out I don't have suicidal thoughts but I really REALLY want to cut still. I have been going to alcololics ananoumous and naracotics ananoumous to ease my urges. It sometimes works but it also brings out those feelings that I am worthless. I have not cut for two months but part of that was being in the hospital. I wish someone said it was ok to cut just a few more times but I know this wont fix my situation or problems. People I have told about my SI(self injury) just say why do you do it, doesn't it hurt, and just don't do it. I know they don't understand anything about SI. I really just don't know what I should say anymore. Should I lie about my feelings or urges to cut or should I tell the truth and feel worse about my self for doing so. I need help! thanks

Re: trying to quit
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Feb 24 01:56:27 2002 (#14364)

Hey. I know it feels like a no win situation right now, I know I feel like that all the time, but you should never lie about how you are feeling. Denying how you feel, no matter how shit you feel about cutting, is not going to make matters any better. If you lie to others in a sense you're lying to yourself and that's gonna hurt you more in the long run. Did that make any sense???? You don't have to lie to anyone on here, just remember that. Even if you feel totally lost you can always talk to me. I may not have the right answer but I can listen. Love eleanor x

Re: trying to quit
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 24 03:24:04 2002 (#14372)

i, personally, lie about everything. telling the truth never did shit for me, so i lie and it shuts people up and makes them happy. it would be stupid for me to tell the truth anyway, they wouldn't understand. but i'm not any better, nothing has been fixed for me, so i dont know what to tell you. you can send me some mail if you want, my AIM screenname is megox182x, for msn or hotmail, its my e-mail address. good luck.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

hia
Posted by emm on Sat Feb 23 12:01:11 2002 (#14358)

hia everyone! sooo glad to see everyone....well theres only one or two people i recognise from before.anyway, its nice to see your all stii here. i miss postin here. got to go coz im at work love you all lots emm**

Re: hia
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 24 03:25:36 2002 (#14373)

hey bro. i dont know if i ever talked to you or not, just wanted to say whats up, your post was friendly and it made me feel a little better. you know?? maybe not but whaterver, is cool.

my 2nd attempt at what you cud call a poem
Posted by scared AKA donna on Sat Feb 23 15:04:41 2002 (#14359)

ive never felt as alone as i do right now.

death

ive often wondered what its like to die//do our spirits really move on and live high up in the sky?//i want the world to know how much pain im going through//so much anger ive thought about commiting suicide too//i never thought that this would happen to me//this sort of pain and frustration ive only witnessed on TV//cutting myself is a survival technique//slashing away at my arms more and more each week//ive lied to my friends and people i thought cared// ive lied about my feelings that i desperately want shared//i see no other alternative but to end it all//ive tried cutting myself but "its not normal" is what i hear you call//all that is left is me and my knife//me and my knife that together can end this life//death is a marvelous joy if you are ready to be another statistic// without that shiny blade i wouldnt last, i would just hear that clock begin to tick.

time up xx

Re: my 2nd attempt at what you cud call a poem
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Feb 23 20:40:46 2002 (#14363)

hey sweetie, hope you're ok! how've you been getting on? I'm doing shit at the moment, scared as hell. I'm going out now and I have 2 pretend 2 be happy an dnormal. HELP! I'll speak 2u soon, love always, el x

Re: my 2nd attempt at what you cud call a poem
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 24 03:27:36 2002 (#14374)

that was really good. i hope youre okay. shit sucks sometimes. good luck.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

how can i help my best friend?
Posted by britt on Sat Mar 2 04:59:06 2002 (#14605)

my best friend cuts herself when shes depressed.All i can do is try to comfort her i wish i could understand more hows shes feeling.she trys to stop but i know she cant help herself.And her mom doesnt make it any better so can anyone help me with my bestest friend i just dont want her to go to far

Re: my 2nd attempt at what you cud call a poem
Posted by emm on Tue Mar 5 14:44:19 2002 (#14718)

thats really good, dark but good, i used to write stuff in that style alot, still do sometimes, although i havent cut now forabout 3 months, which is great and i'm hoping will last, so there is hope babe, maybe one day you'll find another way i sure hope you do :) love and hugs emm xxx

feeling down
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Feb 24 02:04:26 2002 (#14366)

i feel so down at the moment. i've just been out with 1 of my friends, the first time in ages. I don't understand what's wrong with me, everyone else seems to be able to have a good time but \i can't even smile. i just needed to write something so please excuse this meaningless piece of rubbish

Re: feeling down
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 24 03:28:33 2002 (#14375)

i know.

Re: feeling down
Posted by Abigial on Sun Feb 24 05:02:09 2002 (#14379)

thanks for responding to my other message. It is hard to smile and be happy all the time or even for short periods of time when you don't feel that way on the inside. It is good that you are expressing your feelings here. Just a question though do you still SI.

Re: feeling down
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Feb 24 15:30:43 2002 (#14386)

Yeah I do, all the time. My arms a real mess and I just started cutting my leg as well. grrrrrrrrrrr, I hate myself for doing it, I just can't stop

Re: feeling down
Posted by scared AKA donna on Sun Feb 24 13:39:01 2002 (#14384)

hey chuck! that wasnt meaningless rubbish i could relate to that. so how are you coping? i had to pretend to be all happy to coz relatives came over that i havent seen for ages. its hard isnt it? anyway i got through it in the end. ive been cutting quite a lot actually so im not too good. im going to tell my mum tonight i think because i think i need counsilling to try and find out why im doing it. im shitting myself. i hope i dont back out ill keep ya posted! well i hope your doin ok and il cya l8a luv n stuff donna xx

Re: feeling down
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Feb 24 20:34:11 2002 (#14393)

hey sweetie, hope your ok. how'd it go with your mum? hope it went ok!!!! I go back to school 2moro, aaaaargh! keep me posted on how things r going. love n stuff, el x

To Erryn
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Feb 24 02:21:38 2002 (#14368)

hey. you've definitly come to the right place if you want to talk! I only came here a few days ago but people on here have been great, really helpful and supportive. I'm here if you ever need to talk, I can't promise i'l be able to help, but I can listen! love el x

shit.
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 24 03:30:06 2002 (#14376)

last night i cut again, my first time in a couple days. carved "PAIN" "FEAR" and "LOVE"

Re: shit.
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Feb 25 06:54:54 2002 (#14407)

hey mego!!! im sorry i wasnt here to help you out this weekend!! i hope youre ok now!! focus on the fact that you didnt cut for a few days, tahts awesome and hard to do!! if you dont mind me asking, what *pushed you over*?

shit.
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 24 03:37:31 2002 (#14377)

last night i cut again, my first time in a couple days. carved "PAIN" "FEAR" and "LOVE" into myself. lots of blood everywhere, felt so good. kristine blew me off to party with stephaine last night. i hope she threw up everywhere, like she always does. so i hung out with tina and we met up with a group of people at the bowling alley. on the way her sister, michelle's boyfriend got mad at me when i asked if i could smoke "yeah, if you got your own. i'm sure as hell not gonna give you any." what the fuck was his problem? i wouldn't ask him for one, or michelle. i was just like "i know. i was just making sure it was okay to smoke in the car." he didn't need to get mad at me. he was smoking too, its not like the smoke bothers him. he was mad at michelle cause she smoked a bowl before we left. he didn't need to be bad at me for any reason, i didn't smoke any weed. i could have, but i didn't. tonight kristine and tina are together, they made it clear that they didn't want me around. nick is with his girlfriend, jessie and steph are with their boyfriends, i dont even want to talk to bubba anymore. ryan is at his dads, nathan, who i really liked and who i thought liked me, only talks about kristine, who only talks about junior. i'm so sick of being alone. its saturday night, i'm sitting on my computer, at home. nell is probably partying, i dont want to call her house anyway, because her mom doesnt like me, tim is with brandy. fuck.

Re: shit.
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Feb 24 15:36:06 2002 (#14387)

i know how you feel. my friends always seem to have something better to do than be with me. It hurts a lot. my best friend, the only one who really cared, tried to kill herself and now she's moving away. It seems like everyone I really care about goes to extremes to get away from me. life sux.

need asistance.
Posted by Abigail on Sun Feb 24 05:42:24 2002 (#14381)

So I want to know is it ok to cut because I so want to it is unbelievable. Its like a drunk wanting a drink. I am trying not to but it is so hard. I really like the site because people are so honest. Do most people still cut burn or do other things?

Re: need asistance.
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 24 06:45:59 2002 (#14382)

yeah, i still cut. i've been cutting for about two years or a year and a half or something. i don't know exactly it's somewhere around there. i've tried to stop, but i can never seem to really do it. maybe its because i never really want to quit, i never really have a reason. i've been coming to this site for a few months and everyone here has really helped me to understand what i'm doing and it really helps me cause now i know i'm not alone. its nice. and a lot of people on here are kinda like second mothers to me, they give me advise and comfort me with things that i can't tell my own mom about, and its great. i don't know what to tell you to stop cutting, but i want you to know that you can always talk to me if you need to cause i think i can relate to a lot of shit that you go through. my AIM screen name is megox182x and my msn or hotmail screen name thing is the same as my address if you ever want to talk.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: need asistance.
Posted by scared AKA donna on Mon Feb 25 17:30:20 2002 (#14420)

i cut and have been for 2 months. i started coming to this site last week and its helping me more than anyone on this site can ever know. i know its hard to fight the urge of cutting yourself or any form of self harm. i cut, ive never done anything else, i may do in the future i dont no but right now im content with cuting. NO, ok so maybe content isnt the right word bcs im not happy about cutting, but it stops me from killing myself. simple as that. good luck xx

this day is over
Posted by mego on Sun Feb 24 07:12:53 2002 (#14383)

reflection that cannot be me//this is not how it should be//something about the look in my eyes//something i cannot recognize//i hate this mirror and the secrets its hiding//now its smashed on the ground and i'm sitting here crying//and i still see my face and my trembling frown//laying in a million pieces on the ground//so sharp, almost like tiny pieces of light//i pick one up and my mind starts a fight//it is won by the glass and the tears that come in a flood//the day is marked by stains of blood//i take tylenol to ease my aching head//this day is over and i climb into bed.

Re: this day is over
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Feb 24 20:42:40 2002 (#14394)

i don't know how you do it but you always manage to describe exactly how I'm feeling. please keep writing, it really helps. love always, el x

am i self harming??
Posted by anon on Sun Feb 24 13:45:10 2002 (#14385)

hello everyone i was wondering if you would be able to help me? i scratch my arm with a craft knife. i would say cut but i dont go too deep just deep enough for it to bleed a little and to leave a mark.

is that self harm or am i an intruder on this site?

please help im confused as hell

thankyou xx

Re: am i self harming??
Posted by diana on Sun Feb 24 16:49:14 2002 (#14388)

you know deep inside that you are a self harmer...you probably just looked at some of the posts n just thought that u don't cut as bad, which is probably true. but yeah, you are a self harmer...there is no certain way to self injure.-diana

Re: am i self harming??
Posted by Abigail on Sun Feb 24 20:15:20 2002 (#14391)

You are not an intruder and you shouldn't feel that way. I hope you have not been doing that for a long time though because you may be able to stop early and don't have the scars that some of us will have forever. Keep coming back and share your feelings but I do think you are a self harmer.

Re: am i self harming??
Posted by mego on Mon Feb 25 03:10:22 2002 (#14401)

yeah, it sounds like it. i started off with little things do, now i'm a fucking cutting board. if i were you i'd try to get help now, the longer and more you do it, it seems the harder it is to stop. you can keep coming here, nobody will be mad, people will be willing to help and its good that you recognized this early on, and that you know that there might be something wrong. a lot of us don't. if i were you, i'd try and get help for it. i've been cutting for a while, and i'm not seeing anyone, and my problem has only been getting worse, you know? if you have any questions or if you want to talk, my AIM screen name is megox182x and for msn or hotmail its the same as my address. good luck!!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: am i self harming??
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Feb 25 06:58:57 2002 (#14408)

yeah i would say thats self injuring. it comes in way to many different forms. but even though its probably not as deep as a lot of us here, its probably because you havent been doing it for as long. it escalates pretty quickly though, so im glad you came here! no one will think youre intruding, there are some people here that arent even cutters or anything like that themselves theyre just curious for family or friends. everyone here will try and help you figure yourself out so come back whenever you need to!

Re: am i self harming??
Posted by Beautiful Loser on Mon Feb 25 10:07:11 2002 (#14409)

If you're causing harm to yourself, then yes you are, but you're not putting any danger to yourself by what you're doing.

and yes, I think you are.

Re: am i self harming??
Posted by erica on Mon Feb 25 19:22:59 2002 (#14421)

You are deffinately not an intruder. Like the others said, if you are causing harm to yourself then you are a self harmer. It does not matter how you harm yourself, of how severely. Get help now, before it gets too bad.

Erica:o)

What should i do?
Posted by Sar on Sun Feb 24 19:52:15 2002 (#14389)

Need help. I have many people to turn to. But i want to turn to my mum. But i know it'd crush her, and i wouldnt know how to explain it anyway. She came in my room the other day and knocked over my blade. All she did was pick it up and put it back smiled and walked out. Does she know? Can she tell? I wanna be honest with her, shes my best friend.

Re: What should i do?
Posted by Erin on Sun Feb 24 20:00:36 2002 (#14390)

if she's your best friend and want to be honest with her. then try to talk to her about it

Re: What should i do?
Posted by Abigail on Sun Feb 24 20:20:23 2002 (#14392)

I don't reallly know what to tell you. When my mom found out at the hospital she went home and cried. I tell her now about my feelings of of wanting to cut and she urges me not to. She is proud that I am seeking help but I feel like at the same time she thinks she is a bad parent for having a child that cuts. I would say don't lie about what you are doing because someone else on this site said the same thing to me. Then your problems might just get worse.

Re: What should i do?
Posted by scared AKA donna on Sun Feb 24 22:02:42 2002 (#14398)

well im just about to tell my mum now after 2 months! i just came on this site for inspiration. i say tell her if shes your best friend. i never talk to my mum bout anything but i know she loves me and thats the thought i will be grasping on in about 10 mins. xx

Re: What should i do?
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Feb 25 02:44:08 2002 (#14399)

Hi Sar, I'm a mom of a cutter so I'd say go ahead and try talking to her if she's your best friend. It will probably hurt her, but please don't let that stop you. I think she will be strong enough to give you the help you need. Please let me know if I can help in any way. I would be happy to. Take care of yourself and good luck with your mom. Love, Rhonda

Re: What should i do?
Posted by mego on Mon Feb 25 03:17:40 2002 (#14402)

she probably doesn't know. she probably didn't see the blood on it. if she did, i know she would have said something. shes your mom, i know shes you best friend, she would worry about it. its good that you want to tell her. and if you think she'd be supportive about it and try to get you help, go for it. just be careful, things dont always work out like that. good luck!

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

please help me
Posted by Eleanor on Sun Feb 24 21:13:50 2002 (#14396)

if this is my life//then i want to wake up//the nightmare of reality is bringing me down//my soul stained with blood and the scars that haunt me//pain's pulling me under//i'm starting to drown

ok, I'm going back to school tomorrow after a holiday and i'm dreading it. it's gonna be full of people talking about what they did and what a great time they had but I can't answer them if they ask me what i did. I sat at home on my own because I couldn't bear for people to see me and I slashed my arm to pieces. I feel like such an outsider. I don't think I can do it. there's also this teacher at schoolwho's always on my case about telling my parents about my shrink and the tablets i'm on. when he told them about my cutting they just went mental and then they refused to talk to me about it. it's like it's ok for me to do what I want to myself as long as they don't have to see or deal waith any of it and that really hurts. anyway, this teacher keeps following me round and making it obvious that i'm not normal. it's driving me up the wall, i can't deal with it anymore. I already feel like a freak. i'm trying to get help, i just don't need reminding of it 24/7. i cut myself badly today. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGH! i'm sorry, i just really need some help. thanx

Re: please help me
Posted by Tara's Mom on Mon Feb 25 02:45:47 2002 (#14400)

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. What can I do to help you out? Love, Rhonda

Re: please help me
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Feb 25 19:44:20 2002 (#14423)

just knowing that you're there for me to talk to helps so much. thank you! love el x

Re: please help me
Posted by mego on Mon Feb 25 03:24:47 2002 (#14403)

dude, tell your teacher that your parents know, and that he doesn't need to follow you around like that. tell him you're getting help and that everythings okay, even if you know it isn't. explain to him how you feel and if it doesn't work out and if he's still being a dick, go to a principal or try to get your class switched. i know what its like to have your parents get mad at you and think youre a freak for cutting... good luck.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

Re: please help me
Posted by scared AKA donna on Mon Feb 25 14:43:53 2002 (#14413)

hey there chuck! well your prob at skool now so i hope its going ok for ya. ive just come home now coz i have a free period. i find it really hard to go to skool aswell.....having to pretend your happy and having to make the effort to smile because of those ignorant friends of yours that often come out with the desperately annoying phrase: "smile itll never happen!"

soo annoying........well im sorry to say that i didnt tell my parents and ive decided against it for a while. its my birthday tomorrow and i didnt really want that ruined not that im bothered of course. wot i mean is that id didnt want to ruin everyone elses day in my family.........sort of as if its their birthday or sommet and not mine.....i dunno. any way im gonna go and get something to eat now, comfort food i guess. i just cut myself three times on my upper arm (not deep, but some blood and a nice red mark) so im feeling suprisingly ok......however i know that l8a when i realise what i have just done, will come the guilt and ashamedness (if thats a word) and those feelings will be so overwhelming that i suspect i will cut again to get rid of them. its a vicious cycle. love n stuff donna xx

Re: please help me
Posted by lora on Thu Feb 28 01:31:59 2002 (#14516)

I know exactley how you feel.I told my sister about my cutting and she pulls a disgusted face every time I talk about it now.They try to make you feel so inadequate simply because we do something they just can't understand. But maybe it's as simple as that.They don't understand. We who cut aren't freaks just a breed of our own trying to cope with our every day lives.Take care.x

Re: please help me
Posted by JaSMIne on Thu Mar 7 00:43:11 2002 (#14807)

i feel your pain more than you know// cause i to feel pain but can't let it show// my parents don't understand they push me aside// causing me hurt causing me to cry.

Your parents are just said they think it's a phase that will all pass by soonner or later. So show them your proof that this isnt a joke so they need to help you through this or you might die

Re: please help me
Posted by eleanor on Thu Mar 7 21:06:39 2002 (#14835)

thank you! I really do hope they snap out of whatever fantasy world they're living in soon

thanx for the advice
Posted by anon on Sun Feb 24 21:57:22 2002 (#14397)

well thankyou for your help. i dont no why i cut and i feel a lil ashamed and embarssed coz loadsa ppl cut way deeper than i do so thats y i wasnt sure. i dont even no why i do it which makes it even harder to cope with xx

Re: thanx for the advice
Posted by mego on Mon Feb 25 03:29:53 2002 (#14404)

i dont know why i cut either, except that it feels better than anything else in the world. dont be ashamed or embarassed, as long as youre not doing it for attention, which we all know youre not, theres nothing to be ashamed of.

mego

now my only consolation is that this could not last forever~Incubus

selfharm
Posted by Mo on Mon Feb 25 11:46:28 2002 (#14410)

I am writting a report for college about self harm in the hope people will try and understand why people self harm so if any one wants to help please do.

Re: selfharm
Posted by scared AKA donna on Mon Feb 25 13:51:34 2002 (#14411)

people self harm for loads of different reasons so its impossible to say why we self harm as a whole group together. everyones individual and there reasons for cutting are personal to them alone. some, however, like me do not know why they cut, but know that it helps them in some way. like for me, i feel so much emotional pain (and have no idea where it has come from) that i feel the need to cut because it makes the pain go away for a while. i do not cut deep so i dont experience a lot of physical pain but its almost like an achievement when i see what i have done to my arm. i hope that my crazy babble has helped.

im lgad you are creating awareness fo self harm. society nowadays is shit. society has always tried to convert or change those who are different, those who stand out from crowds. attitudes need to change. good luck with your work xxdonnaxx

Re: selfharm
Posted by rovi on Mon Feb 25 14:42:50 2002 (#14412)

All I can say is that in the beginning when I wasn't a cutter, all I could think of was suicide.. Now I don't have those thoughts anymore but now all I think about is cutting. I know it's not a good thing to do but its alot better then thinking about suicide. I'm trying to have a life it is not easy but at least I'm trying I have my days when I cut and then I have days, somethimes weeks I don't do it. I don't understand it myself. I feel so much emotional pain, but I never cry. Cutting is the oly way for me to deal with it. To deal with my life.. At the moment I did it again 2 cuts on my arm not to deep just enough to bleed, and the only person that knows about it is my computer the only friend I have.

Thats my life.. I hope it helps you a bit, because nobody understand it and I hope one day it change and people do understand that we are not crazy.

Hugs Vicky.

Re: selfharm
Posted by Abigail on Mon Feb 25 21:22:10 2002 (#14427)

The reason that I think I cut is because of I have so much emotional pain that I can't deal with and I try not to think of all those things. When they surface I can't deal with them and turn to the razor so I can cry about my injury and release tension. I also hate my self and it is almost a way of punishing myself because I am unable to cope with life but then I cut and I get even more upset because I am unable to cope and it keeps going around and around. People keep asking me why and that is usually the answer. It feels just good to do. I think I cut my wrists so that someone will notice and ask me what is wrong without feeling like I am burdening them with my problems. I hope this helps.

Re: selfharm
Posted by mego on Mon Feb 25 22:37:50 2002 (#14432)

please try to include that people who cut aren't trying to kill themselves and they don't want attention for it, and something about trend cutters, too. thanks bro :)

Re: selfharm
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Feb 26 05:04:21 2002 (#14445)

like donna said everyone cuts for different reasons. some people have post traumatic stress syndrome, like from rape or childhood abuse, some still are abused (mentally, physically), some are really depressed and theyll drift off into *another world* and they feel so numb they cut to bring them "back to life". like donna also some people cut cause they have so much emotional pain they dont know how to deal with it any other way, like they can cut and make it something they can see, or it just focuses them on something. i personally cut because i have extremely low selfesteem and am convinced people hate me. when i think im being particularly annoying to people i kinda get into a chaotic state where i just feel like im going to explode with anger, sadness, just anything possibly felt, as soon as i cut it focuses my mind and i feel calmer. thats just most of the time, i also go into another world sometimes, but i think everyone has different experiences each time, just one is more common. if that made sense...lol

my day so far
Posted by scared AKA donna on Mon Feb 25 14:59:22 2002 (#14414)

ive just cut myself three times on my upper arm. i thought id just come on here and write what i feel in a desperate bid to try ab=nd understand what and why i have just done what i have.....so here goes(you dont have to reply to this this is just my way of getting through so no pressure)

i went to skool this morning feeling not so briliant after crying so much last night it hurt. i didnt cut myself though which was good. my friend came o meet me and we walked up i forgot all about my pain inside as i walked up to skool and had a laugh with my friend. my only real friend i stress. everyone else only speaks to me because they feel they have to. it never used to be like that but they all think im weird now and who can blame them. if only they knew what i was doing on a nite before i go to sleep. i sat in registration and excluded myself from everyone by listening to my walkman. i do that often because im not a morning person and i often get very moody, so being sociable for the sake of people talking to me isnt what i feel like doing. i had a free period so i went with my friend to a room where we studyed but also had a laugh at a teachers expense. it put me in a giddy mood. i then had english language which was ok because the teacher wasnt there. everything was goin ok until my other teacher came in to set us some work. ive not been going to his lessons for a long time bcs no one likes me in there so i thort why bother? he saw me and said he needed to see me about my coursework and asked me if i was still in his group! that put me in a nervous mood because i had a lesson with him next which i wasnt planning on goin 2, so i was a lil apprehensive. i then started trying to justify to my mates (so called) why i didnt go to a lot of my lessons i felt really awkward and thats when those feelings of hurt come. i got really paranoid and remembered that yep they all do think im weird. its a horrible feelin. i got the urge to cut myself. i came home, didnt go to my next lesson and felt the urge to cut myself. i did. i now feel better for it but i still tink that im weird and am aware of what my so called friends think. these are the friends that have all boughtme birthday pressies for tomorrow which increases my confusion. i think i have now established that today i cut because i felt really paranoid that people though i was weird, different. i felt alone, unwanted, a burden, so i cut maybe to punish myself? or maybe to just feel better? i dont know. my plight for finding out why i cut myself still goes on xx

Re: my day so far
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Feb 25 19:39:33 2002 (#14422)

hey sweetie. just a quick note to say HAPPY BIRTHDAYfor tomorrow! also you are NOT weird. god i've had a shit day, dunno what 2 do. hope you're feeling ok. u know where I am if u wanna talk, love n stuff, el x

Re: my day so far
Posted by scaredinthedark on Mon Feb 25 21:30:12 2002 (#14428)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GURL!!!!! birthdays are the greatest for the reason of presents but happy birthday.talk to ya lata. lots of love scaredinthedark