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Sarah
Copyright, Sarah
One Of My Journal Entries
I cant cope anymore. No, I cant. I dont fucking understand anything. urgh. I'm so confused about everything seriously - Am I happy or sad? Am I thick or clever? Am I fat or thin? Am I a good friend or a bad friend? Fuck i'm confused, is it obvious or not? "When I look in the kitchen and see that knife, I really want to end my life. But I dont have the nerve to do that kind of thing, I dont have the strength within." Thats a contridiction in itself. Feel crap as usual. Friends are shit. I dont understand any of them, I'm just too paranoid. Fuck, I am arent I. I always believe people see the bad in me. I know every one can see how shit I am. URGH. I just dont understand anything. My self-harm was better, but now its bad again. My depression and paranoier are 100 times worse. Figure that out. I feel so sad and unhappy. "Im on the outside and I'm looking in, I can see through you, See your true colours, Inside your ugly, Ugly like me, I can see through you, See your true colours."
Second Journal Entry
I spend all my days persuading myself that I am happy, I am content, I'm not a looser, I will smile. But as much as I attempt to believe this facade, I know that deep down, I am exactly the same person that I was a few months ago. Emtionally still screwed. Mentally screwed. Bloody hell, why am I so insecure? Its pathetic shit i know - I'm painfully aware of that - but it keeps bringing me down, so far down. I'm not making sense, I never do though do I. I am yet to stop cutting myself, Its so stupid I know, but although its not a physical addiction, its a mental addiction. Weird. One wouldnt understand unless they knew from first hand experience. I just cant seem to break the cycle Ive got myself into - the self hatred crap, the depression. I try hard to beat it and be happy, content, but I cant seem to do it. There's always something inside of me - pulling - tugging - grabbing - me back. Every time I take one step forward, I take five back. WHY? Its my own fault though, Ive brought it on myself. If I wasnt such a bad person I wouldnt be fucked up.....If only. I dont even feel worthy of cutting myself. Sounds queer. Its just....why? I hate myself for being such a weak person. Oh I dont know anything anymore. Holy fuck, I seriously want to die.