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Threads 101 to 125

im going certifiably insane and it wont stop help
Posted by elle on Sun Dec 30 05:18:22 2001 (#400)

i think i am going crazy again. i dunno what it is. pressure of college applications or something but i know its trying to get me. life is getting worse and i try and say its not and then my mind goes in circles nad i need to cut to stop it and i tell myself not to and it builds up inside and then i get too scared of cutting and i cant get the courage and when the courage comes each time its worse than the last and its haunting me. trying to get me. i am such a a dirty bad person. i hate me, no wonder the rest of the world hates me too. i miss everyone here. i really need to focus and the more i try and focus the less focused i become. and friggin cramps. all day. what i would give to never have another period. all those times i thought i was preg...no periods and i was too worried to even enjoy it. by the way on that topic i became a born again virgin. so thats good right? but who can forget the past. why do i always forget what i need to remember and remember what should be forgotten. aahhh, save me from my head please before it gets me please please please please
~elle~

Re: im going certifiably insane and it wont stop h
Posted by Nuni on Sun Dec 30 05:24:25 2001 (#401)

Hi Elle,
It sounds gruelling what you are going through. I probably sound like I always know what you guys that post are feeling. Its just that, I can t articulate as well. But I feel the same noise in my head. It gets so loud and no matter what I do I cant stop it. I turn my music up as loud as I can and I can still hear me. I hate it too. I am not going to say that I havent cut because unfortunatley I gave in AGAIN. Nothing severe, just enough .... anyhow..Elle, think of the one thing that could make it better. I wish I could give you a hug.. I am lucky, Maggie knows the crap I go through, and she is witnessing it first hand (sorry MAGGIE) but she gives great hugs!! WE all need them, I think that eases the CIRCLING in your head. Luv,
Nuni

Re: im going certifiably insane and it wont stop h
Posted by Linda on Mon Dec 31 04:58:27 2001 (#408)

Hey kiddo! What's a "born again virgin"? Details please! :)

Re: im going certifiably insane and it wont stop h
Posted by elle on Mon Dec 31 10:22:26 2001 (#412)

it basically means everything else doesnt count and i'm a virgin.

Religious Content
Posted by Linda on Mon Dec 31 15:40:50 2001 (#413)

I was asking you about the "born again virgin" because I just wanted to be sure that is what you were talking about. So, you have accepted Jesus as the payment for ALL your sin? You have been told that you are now a virgin. Anotherwords that you may start over fresh and new, right? Spiritually, that is very true but physically, we will still reap the consequences of our actions. When you accept Jesus' sacrifice for your sins, He forgets them. You are made "just as if you had never sinned" in the sight of God. You are justified. That does not affect your physical body right now. The minute you confess your sins and accept His gift you acquire the Holy Spirit to live within you as your down payment for eternity. He will be there to help you fight your demons but He will not eradicate your past. You need to get your strength by reading God's word and absorbing it. It is only in this way that you will begin to understand who God is and who you are. You are a sinner, saved by grace. He is an almighty, all knowing, holy and righteous God. As you submit to His leading, He will prove His love in so many ways.
The redemption of your body is future BUT it is a promise!
((((((((()))))))) I'm so proud of you for making that decision. Please email me with all the details.

Re: Religious Content
Posted by Nuni on Mon Dec 31 20:22:53 2001 (#414)

Hi Linda,
I think Elle meant that in the physical sense not the spiritual. Im not sure she didnt clarify, but it is what I gathered. I know what you mean though about accepting Jesus and recognizing that he paid for our sins and he knows what we are going to do before we do it. HE already knws the finished product and he is waiting for us to call on him to come into our hearts. I so get it, no matter what "the Lord is with you".. and by the way... Just because you accept Jesus into your life it doesnt mean that he guarantees an easy life, it means that you will never be alons, like I said "HE will be with you".
OK, stepping off my soap box.

Re: Religious Content
Posted by elle on Tue Jan 1 00:29:45 2002 (#415)

Actually, I meant it in both senses. Lindas words have been very powerful and steered me in the right direction. the words of God in the bible also have been the most incredible literature i have ever read. i dont think i will ever be "whole" and "pure" in the physical sense, but I certainly have accepted my sins, confessed them and invited Jesus into my heart.
~elle~

Re: Religious Content
Posted by Nuni on Tue Jan 1 20:51:13 2002 (#426)

Oh Elle, I am so excited for you!! I am glad you clarified that for me. Isnt it great? I love that you figured out the good news. Luv You,
Nuni

Re: Religious Content
Posted by elle on Tue Jan 1 23:37:57 2002 (#429)

did you make the same decision?. thats what your post sounded like. i miss talking to you. do you have AIM?

Re: Religious Content
Posted by Nuni on Wed Jan 2 18:38:38 2002 (#441)

Elle,
I am TurtlesCor on AIM and jrnlkpr on yahoo messenger. Yes, I made the same decision Sept 28th, things are still tough, but I know I am not doing it alone. The Lord is always with us. Luv,
Nuni

my bearded dragon
Posted by elle on Sun Dec 30 17:13:05 2001 (#404)

This is my baby bearded dragon.

Re: my bearded dragon
Posted by elle on Sun Dec 30 17:13:59 2001 (#405)

oh man the picture didnt work. i guess this board doesnt let you do them. oh well

Re: my bearded dragon
Posted by Erin on Sun Dec 30 18:01:19 2001 (#406)

if you want, you can email me the pic. I'd like to see it. I like dragons

Re: my bearded dragon
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Sun Dec 30 19:14:17 2001 (#407)

yeh Id like to see it too..
can you mail it to me as well please?
gothic_skys@hotmail.co m
thanks!
Love as always
CriMsoN*TeArs

fuk it all i'm never eatin again
Posted by Blood Soaked Rosex on Mon Dec 31 05:06:45 2001 (#409)

That's it i cant take ne more fukin shit from ne one ne more. the one last thing has just pushed me over the fukin edge.... fukin chris... he's a fukin fag... do u kno wat he had the nerve to do? well lemme show u wat he said...

>>SteakNeggs00: NO YOUR NOT ONLY A SLUT UR A RETARD AND I NO THAT ONE AND THAT PICTURE YOU SENT ME U HAVE THE FATEST FACE IN THE WORLD CUNT
SteakNeggs00: i no u dont want to prove your self because you are fucking ugly are u a retard i told u that a million times u fat ass what is your mom a fat whore to just like u will be when u grow up get some slim fast for your face fat ass<<

jeeze now that just fukin makes me feel fukin dandy doesn't now? ;yeah well im never gonna eat again and if i have to i'll puke it all up again cause nope i aint gonna be no fukin fat ass ne longer and please feel free to talk to him on AOL u'll see his fukin address up there and while ur at it tell him i wish he oculd see my legs cause yeah i have written "I WILL NEVER EAT AGAIN, I WILL NOT BE A FUKIN FAT ASS" ok well bye now

Robyn

Re: fuk it all i'm never eatin again
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Mon Dec 31 05:51:01 2001 (#411)

what an asshole he sure is

Re: fuk it all i'm never eatin again
Posted by CryingRedTears on Tue Jan 1 01:14:07 2002 (#416)

yea-he is a total asshole. don't pay attention to him-he's prolly just overcompensating because he's so fukkin ugly...

you have just experienced a mind dribble by:
brittany

Re: fuk it all i'm never eatin again
Posted by confused on Tue Jan 1 12:20:24 2002 (#421)

i cant believe what people will say to other people.

i want you to eat again i dont know at all what you look like and if you really believe you need to change then nothing i say will make that any differnt ever.

however if you never eat again you will die and i will never get to speak to you hear about you life or anything so eat PLEASE.

p.s. the other two are right he is an asshole

Re: fuk it all i'm never eatin again
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Tue Jan 1 16:10:02 2002 (#422)

yeh he's a fuckwit for saying stuff like that, BUT.. dont take it to heart babe, people who intend to upset others.. by using their physical appearance... their weaknesses are insecure and heartless, just dont listen to him, you are better than him, and dont you forget that.
Love CriMsOn*TeArS

Re: fuk it all i'm never eatin again
Posted by star on Tue Jan 1 18:18:37 2002 (#425)

Babe, he is an asshole and i cant understand why people can be so cruel to each other but you must eat we dont want you to dies, i want you to show me more of your talent for poetry etc and to be able to share with you the wierd workings of my mind, take care sweetie im always here. Amz xx xx xxx xxx x

It cant rain all the time

HAHAHA another thing said by another person
Posted by BloodSoakedRosex on Fri Jan 4 07:46:37 2002 (#454)

Pazzers: get away you overweight h0

Pazzers: like the fat girl in dodge ball ((YOU), "Im out"

Pazzers: thats the ONLY acomplishment you will ever have.... being a fat ho that is outta shape... i could beat u at ne thing i want to.

Ozzyboy102: and how is that?

Pazzers: you dnot do ne activities

Pazzers: besieds your mom

** her other sn**

VShermaniaV: Don't be fat

Ozzyboy102: um ok lucy

VShermaniaV: You're fat and ugly, right?

VShermaniaV: Thats what I thought

VShermaniaV: Don't be such a TA

Ozzyboy102: WAT THE hell is a TA????

well thats it for now so yea i still hate me and i havent eatn for a long time and yeah grandma forced food down me and i had to throw it up cause i cudnt take havin it in me i felt dirty and not rite i go and be depressed nwo

bye

Dead... am I?
Posted by Lither - Morbid Kitty on Mon Dec 31 05:33:11 2001 (#410)

If I am damned already... why forsake me further...

I find no blood in my eyes and yet see pink without rose colored glasses... So profound is
my desire to find torpor amidst the raging psychopaths I look to loving pyro itself and as
a moth... my wings are always reduced to cinders chasing... fliting carelessly after a
beautiful flower the wind takes away... A slight flawed... a perfect parallel... I have
reason but no rhyme... Hang me... slit my wrists... shoot me with a shotgun - pistol grip...
asphyxiate me berate me... and please... I implore you at the very least hate me

To those who remember and those who try ever harder to forget...

Forever yours - Kitty

happy fucking new year
Posted by chris on Tue Jan 1 06:13:40 2002 (#417)

i just thought i'd start off the new year with a new cut or two on the leg, another bloody sock and a positive, uplifting messsage to everyone who bothers to read this.

also. the link below has pictures of cuts and whatnot on it. i took them for tawna, but you can see them, if you want.

Re: happy fucking new year
Posted by tawnia on Wed Jan 2 04:11:53 2002 (#431)

Hey Babe;

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to say in response to your post, coz I talk to you every day (yay! :c)), and we've already discussed what you posted. However, in regards to the new year, I'm going to do everything in my power to make this year better than the last for you. I'm going to come visit you so I can hold you and kiss you, and fuck you senseless *L*. God, I wish I was with you right now :c(.

I love you, my lil' Christopher *massive hugs and kisses*

Like the stars above...'til I die
your tawna :c)

Re: happy fucking new year
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Wed Jan 2 12:21:59 2002 (#436)

how rude!!!!! lol

haha *NM*
Posted by elle on Wed Jan 2 17:02:04 2002 (#439)

happy fukking new year...
Posted by CryingRedTears on Tue Jan 1 06:14:06 2002 (#418)

hope this one is better than the last for all of you-

you have just experienced a mind dribble by:
brittany

Re: happy fukking new year...
Posted by chris on Tue Jan 1 06:16:24 2002 (#419)

my message was first.. by a full minute :] same wavelength, yeah?

Re: happy fukking new year...
Posted by CryingRedTears on Tue Jan 1 17:47:09 2002 (#424)

yea..that's a bit creepy...loi

you have just experienced a mind dribble by:
brittany

Remembrance...
Posted by Lither - Morbid Kitty on Tue Jan 1 07:22:02 2002 (#420)

And so I find myself quite alone once more... the rest of society and even this sect of troubled souls intent on depriving me of contact. Why speak to the scorner or he who grows forever forlorner... The clock ticks to the witching hour and I am left with pain...

Should it be possible for such sorrow to exist within one heart alone. Can the
feeling of loss be so profound it affects even those who have never known it. Pain
accumulates as the sudden storm and then, all at once, the blitzkrieg is invoked and one
finds themselves soaked in both. Such emotions are capable of dulling rainbows and
taking the glint out of a childs eye and yet they are necessary for existence. There is
though, no pain in death as the fallen soul is never sorrowful, only those who miss him.
In silence the world wonders why. It asks something untangible to answer it and receives
nothing but cold stillness. Mankind searches vainly for answers within itself, the only
result being war and more pain. Soldiers smile at the thought of returning home as those
in houses lament the romance of war. Dying for a cause one feels is right is as justifiable
as simply dying to escape pain. Too few carry respect for the pain of death. Just as too
few carry respect for the rain. Neither can last forever. And both leave one soaked deep
within.

Still I am crying crimson raindrops...

Does no one see the same rainbow as I do?

- Kitty

Re: Remembrance...
Posted by Linda on Tue Jan 1 16:43:52 2002 (#423)

(((((((((((((((((()))))))))))) )))))))))Welcome back, Kitty!!

New Year....and other random thoughts...
Posted by *me* on Tue Jan 1 21:49:04 2002 (#427)

So it's a brand-spanking new year...hope this one is better than the last! Everyone I know had a really crappy 2001. Dunno what 2002 is gonna be like, but hopefully it'll be better - for all of us!

*On a little side note* I've lost 7 pounds! I was at a New Year's Party and people were telling me that I was looking skinny! Made me happy (wow..happy..a word not commonly in my vocab! lol) Anyway, I was kind of thinking about "why am I doing this - why am I not eating and puking up what I do?" and I guess I was like psychoanalyzing myself! But I think that I'm doing it for two reasons - 1, I really do want to lose weight. I'm not fat at all, and I know that, but I just want to lose weight. But 2-the more important of the reasons - I think that I want to become so skinny or whatnot that someone goes to get me help for an eating disorder. Ok, that sounds really sick. But it would be easier for me if people were like, "Omg, she's anorexic, we have to get her help." And eating disorders can't be as easily ignored as SI (which I am still peeved about my mom seeing the cuts and blowing them off.) If you're becoming so freaking skinny and you start passing out or whatever people (namely, either my friends or my mother) would have to get me help. And eating disorders are so common. People accept them. People don't think you're weird if you have them. And if I got help for an eating disorder, I would end up seeing a shrink, and I could get help for what I really WANT help for, which is SI. I know I need help for it, bc I can't stop, and I don't know if I want to STOP because it is what is keeping me alive. Without SI I think I would have killed myself a long long long time ago. I want to just be "normal" someday (ok, ok, I know no one is really "normal," but you know what I mean - able to go through a day without wishing you could run away or thinking of cutting or hating yourself). A person should be able to go through a day without HATING your life so completely every second. Does any of this make sense? Do I sound completely wacked out? I'm sorry this is getting so long. I'll just post it now! Thanks...happy new year everyone!

Re: New Year....and other random thoughts...
Posted by elle on Tue Jan 1 23:33:00 2002 (#428)

oh sweetie, putting your health in danger is not the way to get help. and besides if you do get sent to a dr, and you tell them you cut then they will tell your mom anyway.
love you!
~elle~

Re: New Year....and other random thoughts...
Posted by pink girl on Tue Jan 1 23:45:12 2002 (#430)

just wanted to let u know that i undestand completly what ur on about. i am trying just to loose weight sensibaly but i could so easily keep cutting down on food as i have twice before gone thru times of suvriving on one meal a day at home and pretending that i had eaten at school.

so just take care and im here if u ever want to talk.
love 'n' hugs
take care
xxx

Re: New Year....and other random thoughts...
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Wed Jan 2 12:05:34 2002 (#434)

you dont NEED someone else to get help for YOU..
if you want help you can go to the doctors yourself and they will help you, that is what they are there for, they arent going to turn you away.
It sounds to me like it is attention that you crave, rather than help, which ever way.. hope you get it sorted..
Love Always.
CriMsOn*TeArS

Re: New Year....and other random thoughts...
Posted by jes on Wed Jan 2 15:27:21 2002 (#437)

hey, just a thought, what's wrong with one meal a day? maybe i'm wierd. but that's what i have normally. sometimes a bit more but not mostly. ok, i'll shut up now. xx

to every1 who replied to me
Posted by *me* on Sun Jan 6 03:08:56 2002 (#470)

First - thanks for replying! Second, I'm replying to all of you in a lump post so I hope I don't forget anything! Sorry if I do.

Ok, I dunno if I mentioned it in my first post, but yeah...everything was just a psychoanalysis of myself, and I dunno there's prolly more to it or whatnot, I don't really know the full reason why I cut so why should I know the full reason I'm developing an eating disorder, right?

I really do want help (not attention). I think if I wanted attention than I would not hide SI from everyone I know. I've been doing it for almost 5 years and NO ONE knows, so if it was attention I was seeking I don't think not eating would be what I turned to. In fact, I even try to hide not eating/throwing up when I do from people. I always eat *something* at school so no one notices, even if it's just water and pretzels or something.

And I don't know how to get help for myself. I know if I go to a doctor by myself they'll tell my mom, and I can't stand to have her know. I've always told myself - "oh just hang on til you're 18 and then you can get help for yourself with no one knowing." But everything is getting so messed up that I don't know if I can wait until I'm 18.

I don't know. I'm confused. But thanks to everyone for replying. It helps to vent and to bounce ideas and opinions off of people who care and understand.

Re: New Year....and other random thoughts...
Posted by star on Wed Jan 30 13:41:17 2002 (#846)

you just diagonosed the problem ive seen all along jo. star

Re: New Year....and other random thoughts...
Posted by jue on Thu Jan 31 02:55:34 2002 (#862)

careful hon....anorexia bites the biscuit...it sucks....it wreaks more havoc on your body(than cutting) in some ways......sry don't mean to lecture....i have just been there and it ain't fucking cool to have to gain back 40lbs....
take care
hugs
julie

Bright blood... dull blade
Posted by Lither - Morbid Kitty on Wed Jan 2 05:24:05 2002 (#432)

I find myself walking alone in a world of shadows... oblivious to everything around me but the soft ticking of the infernal clock... time is still irrelevant. The blade has become so much a part of me that I can never forsake it... I honestly cannot understand why anyone who truly uses such a device could ever live without it... it will shortly arrive to the time when those in my school will commence to handing out pamphlets outside all of the exits... oddly it is those as me they seek to haunt and hinder... thinking they can rectify my problems... calling my scars sinful... My blade is my life... if I am going to hell... so be it... the pain will only please me...

- Kitty

Re: Bright blood... dull blade
Posted by Linda on Wed Jan 2 15:59:04 2002 (#438)

Oh Kitty.....if only it were so!! In hell, I don't believe you will ENJOY the pain. And such a tragedy when you could have avoided it. There IS a way out!!

Re: Bright blood... dull blade
Posted by elle on Wed Jan 2 17:09:44 2002 (#440)

Kitty, even if you do not believe Linda, are you really willing to take the chance of eternal damnation?

-
Posted by chris on Wed Jan 2 11:59:31 2002 (#433)

also, thanks for not giving a shit.

Re: -
Posted by CryingRedTears on Wed Jan 2 21:23:05 2002 (#442)

who doesn't give a shit?

Re: -
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Jan 3 03:20:37 2002 (#444)

what?! who?!

FuCk iT
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Wed Jan 2 12:18:08 2002 (#435)

another new year, hmm I wonder where I'll end up throughout this one...
Thinking back to 2001.. fuck that was a bad year, I hope this one is better than the last, my new years resalution is to lose weight, well thats been my lifetime resalution I suppose, I am still buliemic- have been for 5 years, but that doesnt seem to work, its become a part of my life now, more of an addiction than a dissorder, so its just an everyday routine, argh I feel so fucked up, I have dissorders, addiction, depression.. I am now awaiting death, I have nothing I want to achieve in life, nothing I want to do... no targets I want to reach.. no higher standards to set myself...Ive burned out. my only goal to aim for is death, at least I know then that I wont fail in reaching it. We all end up dead anyway, why should I bother working to die.. ah fuck it

at work today...
Posted by elle on Thu Jan 3 03:02:03 2002 (#443)

i was doing inventory for the new year and i had to inventory the surgical supplies and we were supposed to have less scalpel blades than we had cause the one dr uses one blade for all her surgeries in one day. so i pocketed the extras. i feel bad about it. i mean, they are already technically paid for, and its only like 3. but i still feel bad. i got 2 #11s and a #15. i dont plan on using them or anything.

Re: at work today...
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 3 04:17:16 2002 (#446)

((((((((((())))))))) Oh girl! Just take them back. That's your conscience talking to you telling you it wasn't right. You don't need them! Love ya, kiddo!

: )
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Jan 3 03:25:34 2002 (#445)

well this year so far has been great...hah yeah all 2 days of it. but i have lost 10 pounds, i have the greatest boyfriend, and i am starting ballet again...but im scared about that. this is the first time i am going back since i started cutting my arms...everyone is going to think i am some freak. i am sooo worried...gosh, i dont know what to do...i have not cut in awhile cept for the cross i did the other day on my wrist, so its mostly just scars...but still what will they think?!

but i duno i am just so happy, i have not felt this way in so long, it feels so different. i love it. the only thing is, is that when something bad happens it is going to bring me down so much worst than what i was before...

...oh well life is about chances...and i am going to take a chance at being happy for once and not think about getting hurt. im still young i have my whole life. who cares if i cut or starve myself. it is apart of you i am. it is me

Artists... of the Machiavellian Sort
Posted by Lither - Morbid Kitty on Thu Jan 3 05:32:21 2002 (#447)

Perhaps slashing oneself to hell and back is amusing perhaps it is odd... it is drawing with blood on walls... big letters to say Psychotic that draws the line...

Not even lithium can save me now...

- Kitty

Re: Artists... of the Machiavellian Sort
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 3 14:33:58 2002 (#449)

I miss our chats. Let me know when you can chat again.

hello
Posted by jes on Thu Jan 3 14:03:20 2002 (#448)

hey. well, my grandparents are back. i thought it'd be ok. i mean, i'm really happy to see them and what, but it's just so suffocating having them there. and then there's my dad as well. they never leave me alone. i know they care and all, but it's just constant fuss fuss fuss. and now my dad seems to be 'trying' just that little bit too much. i don't know if it's him or me. but, like, last nite, we went to the chip shop, and i was gonna have pizza, but i decided not to so i said don't put it in the oven. so he did. then he brought round some sock cos he said mine were scruffy. we're talking white socks that i only ever wear under other ones. so he took the piss about that. now he says i need new shoes. WHY??? my trainers are fine. i'm 17 not 7. i know that maybe i should be able to accept his 'gifts' more, but it just feels like he doesn't think i can decide when i need new socks or shoes or that my mama n grandad can't even entertain the idea that maybe i can do something for myself, or that even afetr a year and a half, they still ask me every morning if i want breakfast. i have never eaten breakfast for as long as i can remember. aprart from the odd time. it's too much attention and stress and now i'm starting ont his course thing so........oh, what ever. i'm just going on now. i probably sound like a spoilt brat. i'll shut up. sorry. xxx

Re: hello
Posted by Linda on Thu Jan 3 14:39:05 2002 (#450)

:( So sad when there are so many others that would love to have just a few minutes of someone else's attention. I'm not calling you spoiled but I just wonder what it is that makes you push them away so hard. Is it just the control issue. I mean do you NEED to be in control so badly that you can not see that others love you. I don't understand but I am sure that there are others on here that totally identify with your feelings. Hope things go better today.

Re: hello
Posted by Nuni on Fri Jan 4 20:43:28 2002 (#458)

Jes, you are pretty hard on yourself. Ease up chick. It gets confusing doesnt it? having all those adults around you telling you stuff, wanting to do things for you. My mom is a lot like that. Im 28 and I dont need her brushing my hair, or doing this and that for me. What I want is for her to respect my space and treat me like the adult she raised me to be. I have learned that she does this to make up for her losses. Im not sure of your experiences but my mom and I didnt live together from the time I was 14. I lived with friends, and had to relocate a lot. I eventually was old enough to get a place of my own. And now that I am an independent person my mom is trying to get me back how she left me, the 14 year old. I let her sometimes when I just have too much crap on my mind I let her TRY to spoil me. I think maybe you could try letting the adults in your life coddle you a little. Allow yourself to feel the love. You may just be surprised. Oh and your attitude doesnt make you a spoilt brat, it just shows your feelings and you express them. Hey chick, you rock!!
Huge hugs,
Nuni

back home and still depressed
Posted by cindy on Thu Jan 3 18:47:42 2002 (#451)

okay so I've got from my dad's house-I had a hideous time as ever-cut more than I ever imagined I physically thought I was so low but I thought that once I got home I'd be fine. goddamn I was utterly wrong. I can never remember being as stupidly sick and out of control as I am now...although weirdly I'm remembering all the times in the past when I felt like this I just managed to forget somehow...like this time last year I was an utter mess...maybe it's seasonal..lol I tried to explain to someone-no one important- last night just what I'm going through....how my thoughts have got all jumbled up I dont know when or where it all started...that for all I know I could have started it all for attention...maybe that is true maybe all I do is crave attention but to be honest I dont think so..it's just my head is so messed up now I cant tell anymore....I dont know where I end and this thing that cuts herself begins and it's scaring me beyond belief...suicide become such a reality within myself now that I've just reconciled myself with the fact that it's going to happen one day...I'[m never going to get better...this thing that drags be down is part of my being, it's who I am who I'll always be and one day I know it's just going to get too much and that will be the day I kill myself. I dont know when that'll be but right now it feels as though it might as well be tomorrow. okay enough self pity... take care. cindy xox

Re: back home and still depressed
Posted by diana on Thu Jan 3 21:42:33 2002 (#452)

hey cindy. i know how you feel, but im just trying to relax and chill back now. do you or do you plan to go see a therapist? maybe they will help you straighten out your thoughts. because if you have a lot of shit going through your head, then you have to let it out and just talk about it... maybe it will make you feel better. it doesn't hurt to try to get better...

The Purpose..?
Posted by Lither - Morbid Kitty on Fri Jan 4 06:09:27 2002 (#453)

Can anyone truly outline the purpose behind this utterly useless device? One expresses emotion only to have no other listen... it serves as a place to flaunt religion and ones own beliefs rather that the truth of life and the trials and tributaries locked within it... such violent maelstroms... If one truly weilds the blade... it is not in cowardice or self pity as many of those who write to the false phantom figure that resides here do it... it is in reverence of a greater angst than any...

As I have always said...

Lither'Zine

- Hate me

Re: The Purpose..?
Posted by CryingRedTears on Fri Jan 4 16:17:25 2002 (#455)

yea...i pretty much agree...

you have just experienced a mind dribble by:
brittany

gone
Posted by CriMsOn*TeArS on Fri Jan 4 17:19:20 2002 (#456)

Re: gone
Posted by Nuni on Fri Jan 4 20:35:32 2002 (#457)

Well, lets see. Live for what you ask. Hmmmm. You took your time to express your feelings here. SO... thats a good first step. You and I have exchanged e-mails. You are a bright person, I like you, so hmm there is another reason to stick around. I read your posts and wish I could reach out to you.. and I try to. A lot of other people feel the same way about you and they probably know you better than I do. I dont know how it is that you are feeling at the moment but I hope things get better for you. We all deserve it. Happy Year 2002... if not happy, just average with less stress, better days, filled with people that understand you, and love you. E-mail me. we'll talk.
Huge hugs,
Nuni

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