You are here: Home > Archive > Psyke.org Forum > Threads 226 to 250

Threads 226 to 250

Suicyco Muthafucka
Posted by Alana on Sat Jan 26 21:35:57 2002 (#797)

All I have to say is that I hope we all die so we dont have to suffer anymore. Thats my wish. I hate to see it, and I hate to endure it...the only solution is for all of us to die.

Think about it, I'm right.

Re: Suicyco Muthafucka-1 way
Posted by KAT on Sat Jan 26 22:41:22 2002 (#798)

Well in a way your wish will come true, sadly enough. We WILL all die someday , I dont know when or what day but it will happen and it is inevidable, Irreversable and a fact of life.
Although to die prematurly becuase of so much pain and suffering would be a shame and a waste of a beautiful unique life. Suicide is a way of coping, it is not necessarily a way out. Your death will cause others to grieve and so on down the line in a never ending spiral effect.

Our options here are so unlimited that we can surely think of other ways to stop or slow down the pain and hurting inside our minds that torment and taunt us day in and day out. There is hope, yeah and things DO get better ..but it takes time. A long time even..years even, maybe a life time until you realize things have gotten better from a day before. But they do...reconsider.
Much Love-
-KAT

Re: Suicyco Muthafucka
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 01:44:43 2002 (#806)

dieing might end the suffering. but it would end the joy too. all the suffering i have gone through has led me to intense momments of joy that are worth all that suffering. the darkness makes the light brighter. without the suffering in my life i wouldn't be able to paint the way i do or write what i do or do any of the art that gives my whole life meaning and helps me reach out to people when they are in their darkness and pull them out a little bit. our suffering helps us ease the pain of others. i know it sounds like fuked up preachy bullshit - but i've found it kinda true anyway.we'll all get through this

xoxoxoxox,

crystal

empty
Posted by melz on Sun Jan 27 05:41:08 2002 (#800)

Things never seem to get any better, everyday seems to be worse than the last. I haven't cut in about 2 weeks, most of my s.i. has been replaced with my e.d. I eat and eat and eat, but still feel empty inside, with a huge gut hanging out, so i get rid of it *blah* Would things be better if i was skinny? ya ya so i lost 30lbs in 3 months, and im technically not 'fat' anymore, but i feel huger and uglier than ever. I have no one, im alone a lot, but it's just now that im starting to feel very very lonely. I dont know what to do, maybe i'll run away to florida...

Re: empty
Posted by Alana on Sun Jan 27 07:26:04 2002 (#803)

Running away sounds about good right now. I know what you mean about the SI and ED compromise. I've also suffered from eating disorders...I think I have a mixture of everything in me, starvation, bulimia, bingeing - it all goes hand in hand with SI in me. I've lost a good 35lbs since october...I don't know how, I think its a mixture of the drugs, the smoking, the lack of sleep, the little food - but I still feel really UGLY. I actually believe I'm uglier than I was before.

Ya ok, shrooms are fucked and I have no idea what I just wrote...none of it makes any sense. Sorry dear.

Hang in there.

Love, Alana

Massacre on my body..my Demise :( my end
Posted by KAT on Sun Jan 27 05:58:44 2002 (#801)

Where do I begin? I know none of you want to read this and after you have read it, considering you do I'm sure you will have nothing to say. I feel the same way so don't feel bad. So it all started today..the down fall I was upset earlier over my best friend of many many tough painful years becoming best friends with the "new girl" . you know stupid childish jealousy and stuff like that. And yeah Im still very stressed out over my parents raiding my room and finding very incriminating things. Anyways..alot of stuff happened, I was really tore up inside, emotionally ,not mentally stable AT all..I guess thats why I take these anti-psychotic medicines, but sometimes my thoughts DO take over. it's very scary and theres no way I could possibly describe what it feels like other then you feel like you've gone over the edge of insanity . I drove myself home from my "friends" house after a sort of argument, I totally embarassed myself "crazy" side in front of her and this other girl, her new best friend I suppose. I havent cried all day but I feel the tears pilled up behind my eyes, I feel them in my face waiting to come out, but they won't I havent tried to cry I can NOT let my parents know I cut still. I will be 17 very soon..I have so many responsibilities of becoming an adult and I can't be acting this foolish..at least my parents can't know I still do.
So back to my story of today, my down fall...
I was driving home and I kept picturing myself hitting a giant wall and my head bouncing back and forth on the concrete like those crash test dummies commercials..picture this. A crazy looking girl driving a little car about 30mph in a 35 zone, My music was blaring so I couldnt hear myself think..it was terrible, cars were honking and going around me, I was going so incredibly slow because I knew if I sped up my speed would increase and probably lead to some major damage. I swear that car is going to be the death of me one day, good thing I can control my tempers to an extent. Yet my motions such as turning and driving are very imparied under such psychotic episodes. So I got home and wanted to go to an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting. I havent been to one in at least 4 months and I some how got the urge to instead of smoke my slef to sleep with drugs, to go to this anti-drug meeting and see some familiar faces hoping that would comfort me. I again got behind the wheel but I was calmer this time and took myself to the meeting. It was alright, I saw some adults I knew yet didnt talk much to them I sat through the meeting and it ended early, so I happened to stop by the 7-11. I was desperate like a starving person searching for food in a dumpster, but no it was me in a 7-11 searching for razor blades. I dont have any at home since 2 weeks ago my parents saw my wrists and again threw away all the razors or at least hid them, even my secret stash they got a hold of. I had always used razors that I broke out of leg shavers, but I was so delighted and excited to see for the very first time pure, clean, sharp, big, razor blades all by themself in a pack of at least 5 at the 7-11. It was wonderful,so wonderful I ran actually to the counter and bought them. Rushed home, and waited for my parents to go to sleep and things to clam down in the house.

oh what a joy it was to see the blood again, my best friend in the whole world, the love of my life..I went vishously attacked my thighs, and I didnt cut..no I put gashes in my legs, they are worse then cuts they are holes ..with dark red blood streaming out. Onto the carpet, I had to cut that piece of crapet out and flush it to hide my tracks of pain. It's still bleeding and theres a lot of tape and half a roll of toilet paper covering it, I see the blood seeping through the paper already. My god, my leg is numb.
Im back to my old self again....
:(
-KAT

Re: Massacre on my body..my Demise :( my end
Posted by Alana on Sun Jan 27 07:21:46 2002 (#802)

I so understand what you are going through right now Kat. We are so much alike its unbelievable. I see so much of myself in you. I'm sorry for everything thats happening to you. *Kisses*

Love, Alana

Re: Massacre on my body..my Demise :( my end
Posted by Maggie on Sun Jan 27 21:23:47 2002 (#804)

Whoa Kat.
You gotta take control of this situation... your wounds sound serious, and I think you should get medical attention. A numb leg? If you don't get that seen to, it could remain numb forever...

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time... I probably would have turned to my blades under that kind of stress too, but those cuts are speaking loudly that you need MORE help...both for the 'cuts' and the inside turmoil too. Maybe you'd get committed, but could it be any worse than how you already feel?
I don't know...I'm just worried about you and since there's little we cyber-friends can do, I'm hoping you'll look for 'real' care.

Maybe you should ice those cuts to stop the bleeding, keep pressure on it and regularly change the dressing.

Luv and hugs,
Ursula.

KAT!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 01:40:29 2002 (#805)

oh my god kat! what the fuck!!! i didn't know you were so young! jesus! i don't want to be one of those condescending asshole adults because i'm not a fucking adult i'm only 21. but JESUS CHRIST Kat!!!! there is something about you that makes me want to cry. i thought you were so much older because you sound so wise so much of the time. you sound like (and i know you don't feel this way) but it sounds like you have such a head on your shoulders and you are going in the right direction. and JESUS!! i know that feeling of the gushing blood and the joy of it but Dammit! i wish i could take that away from you. you are so close to light and it is all around you and you don't have to do that to yourself and i know i am ranting and i know you know this stuff already but i wish i could just give you a hug and let you know its going to be ok. those feelings that make you cut WILL go away. i was so close to gashing the shit out of my leg a few days ago when i was laying in bed next to my ex with his girlfriends scent on his skin while he screamed at me for falling in love with his best friend - (drama bullshit) and i just wanted to run away and cut myself. but it hurts so much to see it happening to someone else. i wish i could take it away. none of these words matter. but at least you will know you aren't alone.

love,

crystal

Re: KAT!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by jue on Mon Jan 28 04:18:16 2002 (#809)

i'm sorry hon....be careful please try to be....i am worried careful. hon...
hugs and take care...
julie

Re: Massacre on my body..my Demise :( my end
Posted by jes on Mon Jan 28 17:27:22 2002 (#810)

hey, i too had no idea you were only 16. the way you talk and how much sense you make portrays you as being so much older. i know it has nothing to do with how you feel but, i dunno, for someone of that ahe to be so mature and.......i don't know what it is you are or have or whatever but you really are amazing. please be careful, take care xxxxxxx

Re: Massacre on my body..my Demise :( my end
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jan 30 01:45:05 2002 (#828)

Oh KAT,
Please be safe. I'll say a prayer for you tonight. I hope you feel better soon. Take care.
Love, Rhonda

Better days...thank you ALL
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 31 00:01:57 2002 (#857)

Hey there..everyone thank you for posting and responding to my long stupid bullshit of a post.
It was horrible, I was having such a bad bad day and thats one of the "in the middle" days for me.
I mean days get worse and days get better and some are in the middle like that one..I am getting so depressed I cry sometimes even, and thats a lot for me.
so I am going to ask my psychiatrist to raise my dose of zoloft, hoping that that will get me started back on my long hard painful road to recovery. Although all this time I've kinda wasted my life away and wasted my parents money away. All this medication everyday has a bad effect when Im doing drugs everyday..so Im trying to step above that and be a "big girl" and have some responsibilities. I am so young yes..but so fucking hurt in my past years. So much has happened in my almost 17 years of life and I have not much to show for it but a few dozen scars all over . Im not totally down about myself, I mean I am (even though I failed algebra 2) getting good marks in school and am in college prep classes, big fucking whoop.
anyways thank you all very much for showing that you care, it helped me a lot that night, and I suppose thats what all *THIS* is about.
thanks
:)
love KAT

Erase Days Like Thoughts On a Page
Posted by crystal on Mon Jan 28 02:51:48 2002 (#808)

i posted part of this poem on the other site. hope someone can get something from it.

wish i could erase days like thoughts on a page. words miscalculated in lead. exciled to small white shavings created from this old eraser head. wish i could stick it in my head.
erase my brain.
erase my pain.
erase my memories.
like they never happend.
price just a worn out hole in this paper soul worn thin from too much erasing.
dissapearing days
doing Houdini tricks in this black memory box, reappearing.to remind me i'm supposed to cry. most days i don't even know why.
sometimes i look in the mirror and remember.
i'm not pretty.
hate the way reflections spit at you truths people won't tell you 'cause of conscience. and i think...i should be proud of who i am. came a long way. from the old days. when i used to cut myself to watch my skin bleed. just like everybody else. i just didn't have the balls to make it count. i cry cause i don't think i'm pretty. i just need everybody's pity. 'cause i'd rather not remember. other things.
rather find some substitute.
some excuse.
for this hate i feel.
every fucking day.
just want to escape.
from yesterday.
wish i'd never been 9 years old. sold my soul to forget blood on me. and the cats in the oven. and the silver spoon. little puppy crushed. and the man on the moon. and he came at night with a pillow case and told me bedtime stories i'd rather not know. but you can't hate the man that made you. so you gotta hate yourself. 'cause maybe if i was good enough.
pure enough.
pretty enough.
talented enough.
smart enough. god would love me. and he would appear in those dark winter nights when the kerosene lamps sent fumes burning the inside of my nose and hold me close and tell me everything is gonna be alright. 'cause i'm one of his children. and jesus loves the little children. red. yellow. black. and white. with spite i spit at god when i was 11 years old and dared to many things past my age and at 21 i can't help thinking jesus was a rebel too. and the gunshot bang from 5 miles away reminded me of things i thought i'd sold my soul to forget.
and i just wish someone could love me sometime in a different way then
slaps and axe chops.
thats why is still pray.
i think maybe someday.
someday my body will just melt away. and he will erase all these long. wornout. and misused days.

Re: Erase Days Like Thoughts On a Page
Posted by jue on Tue Jan 29 04:22:54 2002 (#817)

i love it....
thanks
julie

Re: Erase Days Like Thoughts On a Page
Posted by crystal on Tue Jan 29 22:07:55 2002 (#821)

thanks back!!!!

xoxoxox,

crystal

lonley, depressed, raagh whats new
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Tue Jan 29 01:39:28 2002 (#811)

Hi guys
Sorry I havent posted in a while, I cant really explain why, I dont know.
er, I went to see my counsellor the other day, she is getting me assessed by some doctor (again) *sigh*
more medication blah blah oh I'll just shut up now I babbelling

Re: lonley, depressed, raagh whats new
Posted by jue on Tue Jan 29 04:12:39 2002 (#814)

i wish i could make it better...i hate it when they just want to drug you up some more....i don't feel that is beneficial...but at least you are getting help as frustrating as the process may be...i know the feeling of loneliness it seems to consume me...it is weird because i feel it is worse when i go out with people...so lately i have been isolating myself...but i realize that doesn't help either...sort of a no win situation...but i guess we just have to have faith that the we will discover an invincible summer within us all.
take care...hugs
julie

Re: lonley, depressed, raagh whats new
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 04:15:15 2002 (#815)

It's nice to see you posting and see that you are taking good care of yourself by having a counsloer and a doctor and medication and all that mess, ya know.
It's good.
Take care, don't let to much stuff get to you..
hang in there hun
love KAT

Re: lonley, depressed, raagh whats new
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jan 30 01:43:07 2002 (#827)

Hi Crims,
I hope you're feeling better by the time I'm
writing this. Didn't get on the computer last
night. Let me know what the other doctor said. If
you want, you can email me. Take care sweetie.
Love, Rhonda

Re: lonley, depressed, raagh whats new
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Wed Jan 30 05:45:24 2002 (#842)

thanks guys

giving up
Posted by Erin on Tue Jan 29 02:42:54 2002 (#812)

I reeeally dont know what to do anymore. my mom was yelling and bitching at me earlier and really bothering me about my grade in english..(I got a D) and before then, I had an F in science but I brought it up to a C. my science teacher had mailed her a letter telling her about my grade and everything and she was really pissed. she said if she ever gets another letter from a teacher about my grades or anything else, then she'd stop me from talking to my bf ever again. she could too because we're in a long distance relationship and...I just dont want to lose him. I dont know why she's like this...she makes everything so hard on me and she thinks I just want attention. *sighs* I cut myself kind of bad last nite. I dont know how many cuts there are but it was like I couldnt stop... now I'm really never going to get help for cutting...because if she found out about that..I just know her reaction would be so much worse than how my grades are. I cant risk that. I'll just stay hidden in this pain until I'm 18. I dont know what to do. I dont want my cutting to get worse like it was before when I was doing it everyday but what if it is? I feel like how I felt back then when I kept doing it and couldnt barely stop myself until I really realized what the hell I did to myself...and that dont happen too fast... *sighs* why is life so hard? all I can do is cry right now

Re: giving up
Posted by jue on Tue Jan 29 04:07:50 2002 (#813)

hey hon...i'm sorry...
i am also crying...can't stop crying these days....i had a thought though. before i was 18 i went and saw this counsellor at the ministry of children and families...i don't know where you live but you could probably inquire at mental health....anyway he couldn't tell my parents unless he thought i was suicidal and even though i was i told him that i would never take my life. anyway.....basically it was confidential and it helped me get through that point in my life....never go to a school counselor though because they have to tell your parents. anyway just a thought. i am sorry about your mom.
take care....hugs
julie

Re: giving up
Posted by Erin on Thu Jan 31 02:25:31 2002 (#859)

I told my school guidance counselar last year and he thought I stopped doing it. lol he said if I kept doing it, then he'd tell them but i told him I stopped, and after awhile i didnt talk to him anymore

Re: giving up
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jan 30 01:59:27 2002 (#834)

Don't give up Erin. I'm sure it's hard, but I'll
never know that for sure. Sorry about your mom too. Are your cuts okay? Did you clean them real
good? Please take care of yourself. Email me if
you want to.
Love, Rhonda

i believe we will find our way
Posted by jue on Tue Jan 29 04:20:12 2002 (#816)

i don't know why i believe this but i do...we will find our way...we will find hope and love and salvation...we will find a respect for ourselves deep deep within. i believe if we just keep trying we will find our way and i believe in a beautiful day. i want hope for us all...i want love for us all...and want deliverance and salvation for us all...i want us to be happy and to look back at this time in our lives with thankfulness for the understanding that it gave us...and see how much more we can appreciate joy and love because of the pit of darkness we have been in...i hope and i hope that i will find this way soon.
take care everybody....i love you all...and thanks for everyones support.
julie....trying to find the good in a seemingly hopeless situation.

ps... an optimist is someone that as they are falling from a 30 story building cries," i am fine so far as they pass each story."

....there is good in everyone....

Re: i believe we will find our way
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 23:28:23 2002 (#822)

That reminds me of the theory (I forgot who had it) that all humans were essentially born pure and good and depending on their environment and circumstances in life corruption could take over at some point.
I loved the positive feel in your post, it made me feel happy and think "yeah, you're totally right". About how we will learn to appreciate what love really is and the joy of it b/c of the deep dark despair we've been through. you make some excellent points, I hope I make it there one day..I hope we all do as well.
love KAT
*hugs*!

Re: i believe we will find our way
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jan 30 01:55:00 2002 (#833)

I believe too honey!!!!! Take care of yourself.
LOve, Rhonda

Searching, Seeking but never Finding
Posted by Amanda on Tue Jan 29 16:51:20 2002 (#819)

when i used to post on the old board, i always spoke of a light at the end of the tunnle, the small ray of hope that each of us has. i used to tell everyone that eventually things could be ok. and eventuallu things will be wonderfull for each of us. now i find myself in a position where not only do i have to tell this to others, i have to force myself to believe it. im so lonly and empty that i dont know if it is true now. i thought at one time that it was as i could see my own light. now things seems to have gone black. there is no light for me. im alone and i will be forever. there will never be happiness for me, its just not going to happen.
there is no longer any moments in my life in which there is happiness. even when i was at my worst point, cutting everyday, that brought me happiness. now, i hardly ever cut but im never happy...ever. i put on my mask everyday and go to school and pretend that everything is fine and everything is perfect, but inside im eating away at myself. each day my pain increases and each day i lose a little more of my hope. i wish for things to get better but they dont. i just cant understand, i thought if i was able to stop cutting then i might find more peace not less. my life has become so bad that i dont want to carry on anymore. each night i go to bed and wish that i will never wake up again. i dont want to wake up tomorrow morning and face another day feeling like this. id rather not feel anything than have these thoughts in my head. all day and all night i think about how much hurt and pain i cause to people. i think baout how much i hurt myself, about how much i hate my mum for making me move and about how much i miss the people that i love. these are my thoughts, nothing else just these.
i never have any peace from these emotions and so i never have any peace at all. i dont sleep, i dont do school work and i dont enjoy life, all i do is think about how much i hurt inside.

Amanda

Re: Searching, Seeking but never Finding
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 23:38:51 2002 (#824)

Reading your post I can somewhat feel the pain you feel deep down inside. Your situations and how you say you put on a mask everyday, I do that too. And I know how tough it is, sometimes I'm so damn close to giving in AGAIN and going insane and so then I'd probably have to go back through a year of therapy, back on high doses of medication , back to no one trusting me and wanting to be around me, back to a hospital, back to nothingness and back to my old life.
It's a fucking cycle that it break able but you have to be willing and want to change, you sound like you really want to change, but some people don't It's not that they like the way they feel it's tghat they are so used to it , it's the only known comforting feeling they feel. You mentioned the light at the end of the tunnel. Your light is still there, Im sure of it, you've just gone a bit deeper into the tunnel and the light is not that bright anymore. Don't give up on yourself, with so much hope, you can try and get better and climb your way out of that dark empty hole of despair. Try some medications, if you are already on them make the dose higher, if you want. It's not that we should depend on the medication to make us feel a certain way it's just that when we are so deep into our own hell we really truley do need an extra push in the right direction. We can't just stand on one foot, and hope that we won't fall..you need support and love, you can't keep putting on the mask, it is probably wearing thin and people wil be able to see your hurt and pain for what it really is. Don't hide it, take it by the balls and throw it away. I hope all these things Im saying help even a little, or just give you some encouragment. I was there, in June of this year, I was soo so sure , 100% sure that I was un helpable, I was to far gone, but you're night. Im sorry things aren't working out, but they will with time.
just don't give up and hang in there
take care
love always *hugs*
-KAT

Re: Searching, Seeking but never Finding
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jan 30 01:52:45 2002 (#832)

I believe there is always a light, it just goes
dim sometimes and you can't see it.Take one day at a time and know that you are never alone cause
we're all thinking about you. Especially me! PLease take care of yourself. Email me if you ever
want to talk.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Searching, Seeking but never Finding
Posted by jue on Wed Jan 30 02:59:40 2002 (#837)

Alana...
i am sorry hon...i wish i could make it better...
i used to pray every night that i would not wake up in the morning...angry desparate sobs...i couldn't understand why people who didn't want to die did and people who wanted to had to kill themselves....well needless to say that prayer wasn't answered and i don't know why but i sort of got so low things couldn't get worse and then nothing was getting better until i decided to accept my fucked up situation. things still aren't rosy but i have hope.....i want you to have hope too honey....i have hope for you.....careful

take care
love and hugs
julie

get it wrong, fuck things up
Posted by jes on Tue Jan 29 17:25:23 2002 (#820)

i'm like a broken bleedin' record

Re: get it wrong, fuck things up
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 23:42:38 2002 (#825)

I'm sorry, I hope someone is there to slow you down and clean your wounds up. If not then you must be your someone. Depend on yourself, you'll always be there when you need you the most, I know it sounds silly but it's true, help yourself out, don't let yourself keep spinning like a record. Take care , I'm sorry things are the way they are..
many many *hugs*
love -KAT

Re: get it wrong, fuck things up
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jan 30 01:48:48 2002 (#830)

I'm sorry jes, anything I can do to help? I hope
your days get better. Take care.
LOve, Rhonda

Re: get it wrong, fuck things up
Posted by jue on Wed Jan 30 03:00:56 2002 (#838)

careful hon.....
remember we care about you
love and hugs...sweetie...
julie


Posted by on Thu Jan 1 01:00:00 1970 (#823)

Re: awful day
Posted by KAT on Tue Jan 29 23:47:33 2002 (#826)

Your mother must love you more then anything, if you tell her how you feel I'm sure she'd help you out in any way possible. but I know telling parents isn't such a great option, however once my parents found out I did get wonderful help and great recovery time, although I am getting back to where I started. You can stop yourself, here and now..it's tough, hurting will stop and pain will fade, it won't always go away but the hurt fades and grows old with time. I'm so glad you were in class today when you felt like wanting to leave this place for good. Because you were there you weren't able to harm yourself, and thats a very good thing. That unfortunate circumstance has happened to me many of times, and I think back and I am so thankful for not being around anything harmful or in a place where I couldnt do anything but think. It has probably saved my life, and maybe yours aswell.
I hope that some way you find some inner peace, in the mean time I'm here to listen..and I know how you are feeling, I say that a lot but I mean it every time I say it.
take care
love KAT
PS. Im sorry you had an awful day, gives you something to look forward to tomorrow.

Re: awful day
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jan 30 01:47:56 2002 (#829)

If your mother loves you, it won't ruin her life.
She just might save yours. Please let her know
how you feel. She will be hurt, but it will be
a hurt for you, not her. Give her a chance and let me know how it goes. Take care.
Love, RHonda

Re: awful day
Posted by jue on Wed Jan 30 03:03:49 2002 (#839)

i am sorry....
if you can't tell your mom we are here for you
try to take care....
your mom would rather help you live then you not say anything and take your own life...just a thought...
love and hugs....
julie

Re: awful day
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Jan 30 21:00:41 2002 (#851)

i know you dont want to tell her mom because you do not want to hurt her anymore. my mom had a hard life as well. But i feel that me telling her and my dad about my little problem was a really good thing. she understands me a lot better.

i think it would be a good idea if you tell her. she will realize that you trust her and feel that you can talk to her. and you will get help. things will become better, i promise

Scared shitless
Posted by Alana on Wed Jan 30 01:48:52 2002 (#831)

I called my therapist today and made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I'm really scared, I haven't seen him in about 3 or 4 months. Ahhhh! I thought that maybe I needed to go to resolve some unspoken issues, BUT when I talked to him on the phone today it completely freaked me out. I don't want to go and just sit there...cuz thats stupid considering I was the one who made the appointment to begin with. But, I don't want to sit there and spill everything. I don't know what to do anymore, everything is so fucked up as it is, I'm afraid I'm just going to complicate the situation ever more so.

On to another subject...haven't cut in almost 2 weeks, I've planned to hack at my arms tonight though. I don't know, maybe its because I'm going to therapy tomorrow and I want him to think that things are worse with me than they were before. I don't think thats it though cuz we never talk about cutting, and he has never asked to see them. I think I just need to. Things have been strange these past few weeks. Exams are over and I need to celebrate...pull out the streamers and bring on the razors...I'm setting out for some good ol' mutilating fun tonight.

Hope all is well with everyone. Hang in there....I don't like saying that anymore. Hang = form of suicide. Just a thought. Sorry.

Love, Alana

Re: Scared shitless
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 30 02:02:05 2002 (#835)

Hey Alana, ah I thought I was the only one, I always always thought that about the phrase"Hang in there" even though I've said it a couple times now, I never try and say it over on the suicide board anyways. Also about wanting to cut so that your therapist thinks things are worse then they really are , I know what you mean there too..thats exactly the same thing I did the second time I went into the hospital. right before my mom took me, she was getting dressed, in a rush, and I went back into my room after showing her (I dont know why I did that, i guess cuz it was really bad) and I cut up my legs a shit load of times. I felt bad that only my wrists were cut and the doctors would have to do more if I had cut my legs also. It's so wierd but it totally makes sence in my mind. You're not alone..it's good that you shceduled an appointment with your therapist. I havent seen my since November, I loved her to pieces, and about 3 weeks ago my mom saw that I was cutting again she called me therapist and told her and my mom told me my therapist said theres nothings she can do. I was so hurt by that, but anyway..good luck there. Im sure once you get things out and in the open and start working with them and getting your feelings out, things will feel better even for the time being. Take care and best of luck to you at your therapists office. Don't be afraid to tell him what you are really thinking, it feels good to get it out and have someone there who will comfort you and tell you things to re assure you.
take care
*hugs*
love KAT

Re: Scared shitless
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jan 30 02:51:55 2002 (#836)

I hope things go okay with your therapist. Take
care of yourself Alana.
LOve, Rhonda

Re: Scared shitless
Posted by jue on Wed Jan 30 03:09:07 2002 (#840)

i totally know what you mean...i often feel i need to cut just to make my therapist realize i am not doing well....i think it is just because it speaks so much stronger than words.....sorry just a ramble....
anyway though, remember you don't have to tell him everything...just maybe a few things....i hadn't seen my therapist for two months and went back to him last friday....i was totally scared and had a panic attack but i felt better afterwards....so i am just saying that i hope you do too...
love and hugs.....
take care
julie

Re: Scared shitless
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Jan 30 20:56:41 2002 (#850)

i do the same thing...this week i had some reasons to cut, but not ever time i cut i had a reason, i just did it so when my therapist askes how many times i cut in the last week i can say a number. i go through about a month of not cutting at all, maybe just a little. then i go through a month where i can cut up to 50 times. that was last month, when i wasnt seeing a therapist. i dont want her to think that i have gotten better then say i dont need to see her anymore, because i know i will get bad again, it is just a matter of time.

the first day of my last year...
Posted by kae on Wed Jan 30 04:11:47 2002 (#841)

hey everyone
it was my first day of Year 13 today - thats what we call our final year of high school in New Zealand. New uniforms, new rooms, new group teacher, the works.
This will be the hardest year yet...apparently much harder and more stressful than university even. And I'm not good with stress...I can see that this year will probably kill me, in some form or another. Even today, as we were getting acquainted with our million new things, I was feeling the old anxiety...and thats just the first day. FUCKKK.....I'm taking a new subject - biology - that I've never taken before but as it turned out, I had no other options. Failing a class will kill me. Failing university entrance will kill me. Failing FULL STOP will kill me.

I haven't cut for four weeks. FOUR WEEKS. It won't last...I can see that already...but, surely, if cutting will help me get through this year, that makes it okay, doesnt it?

Hell knows.

Hope you're all okay...remember that even though life sucks the big one, death can't be much fun either, right?

Thats what I'm going by...for now.

luv 'n hugs to y'all,
kae

Re: the first day of my last year...
Posted by Alana on Wed Jan 30 06:58:01 2002 (#844)

Hey we have a year 13 over here in Ontario, Canada as well...its called OAC...its a bitch, I hate it. Yes, all I really needed in life was an extra year of highschool.

Good Luck.

Love, Alana

Re: the first day of my last year...
Posted by kae on Wed Jan 30 09:18:18 2002 (#845)

:) thanks hun :)

hope you're doing okay.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: the first day of my last year...
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Jan 30 20:50:45 2002 (#849)

i can tell you are going to have a lot of stress in the year to come. but with anything you do, think it out first. School sucks big time, but its something we all kinda have to go through. good luck with everything, im sure it will all turn out fine

hmmmmm
Posted by ...CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ... on Wed Jan 30 05:50:07 2002 (#843)

might as well take the good shit with the bad, so Im going to drink myself stupid.. again

Re: hmmmmm
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Wed Jan 30 20:47:35 2002 (#848)

drinking is fun...just be careful babe!

Re: hmmmmm
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 30 23:54:40 2002 (#856)

hhhmmm..I dunno drinking and doing drugs is a sensetive subject with me since Ive been through a lot of shit over them both.
Take it slow if you are gonna drink and eat something, Im sure you know all this already..but
being depressed and adding a downer isn't the best of things to do.
so take care PLEASE!
love ya much!
-KAT

Re: hmmmmm
Posted by jue on Thu Jan 31 02:43:21 2002 (#861)

careful...getting drunk can be a one way ticket to slashville
love ya..julie

hey hey hey
Posted by LOST on Wed Jan 30 16:54:06 2002 (#847)

dude, i TOTALLY forgot that i posted on the 24th and i scrolled down and saw all kinds of responses! WOOHOO!!! thanks u guys (i never get responses to my posts!) i have something to say to you KAT about your post. ur totally right. i mean, they ARE the CAUSE of my depression (bcuz of everything that happened when i was little) but they were just the start.... because the depression added and added to itself like a snowball rolling down a hill. my parents are at the core and the rest is snow and dirt and shit. i have a good relationship with them now (i always go "shopping" at their house... i go around "ooohhh can i have that?" "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh h do u need this???" hehehe) but the depression is still there. sometimes it seems like a pointless battle. fuck it, i've accepted it already. but anyway, the whole point is... yeah u were right about what u said. :) bye bye

Re: hey hey hey
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 30 23:52:37 2002 (#855)

Well I hope things are going okay for you, I know thigs get shitty in life and it seems that they aren't fixable, even stuff like child abuse that seems like it'll never end..Ive been through that.
But just take things slowly and have hope that things will turn out all right.
take it easy
-love KAT


Posted by on Thu Jan 1 01:00:00 1970 (#852)

I DONT KNO WAT TO DO HELP ME PLEASE
Posted by BloodSoakedRosex on Wed Jan 30 23:39:46 2002 (#853)

ok well heres the thing i havent cut BADLY for like 3 weeks just little ones that will bleed but not alot just to let some of the pain out and i have just realized that i have me the man of my DREAMS.... i told him about my cuttin cause he's not only the man that i love but my best friend along with his tiwn brother mark but hes always there for me and the boyfriend that i have now treats me like shit.... i mean i reallie want to be with DAVIE so bad and the only reason y i have stopped drinking and doin drugs is because he told me that he cared enough to finally open his mouth and tell me straight up that he cared about me and that i was fuking closed minded and then i thought bout wat he said and we talked and he reallie cares about me.... he said that he hates seeing me in all of my pain but then when i come to skool fuked up he hurts even more to kno that i'm hurting so bad that i have to do more the just cuttin to myself to make me feel better and i dont kno wat to do ne more i mean he knos that i like him but he doesnt kno how much and i swear to god if ne one knos him dont say ne thing i'll be so fukin pissed ok well i'm done rambling and i got new pix of me online Email me at ozzyboy102@aol.com and i'll have some of me and him soon aite bye

~*~I HAVE NO NAME FOR I AM NO ONE~*~

Re: I DONT KNO WAT TO DO HELP ME PLEASE
Posted by KAT on Wed Jan 30 23:46:54 2002 (#854)

wow, sounds like a lot of Drama goin on there. I don't mean to burt your bubble at all sweetie pie but sometimes people lie, especially young men in school. I know this for a fact, yet there are few good people out there, so take it easy and I hope things work out for the best with you and *Him*.
It's so good to know that someone out there cares for you, you know what I mean, besides family members, but as soon as that person breaks your trust or hurts you it is the worst feeling in the entire world, so watch out for yourself, take care of yourself then try and make others happy, not the other way around. You know!?
I know what you mean about being fucked up. I haven't done any drugs in almost a week and thats good for me, I have you have some strenght and self control to save you..please be careful.
Take things slowly and just keep at the positive things in youre life. Dont focus on the negative, they are only there to bring you down..and no one wants that for you.
Take care
I'd like to see your pictures.
love KAT

thanks kat
Posted by robyn on Thu Jan 31 03:05:44 2002 (#865)

Hey thanks kat... i kno its a lotta drama but i kno that he isnt the lyin kind cause hes my best friend and since the day i set my eyes on him 4 years ago i've loved him kinda odd that i kno everything about him and i still surprise him with little things everyday just like i kno his choir's entire song by heart and they just got it the other day and hes just learning the words to it(its in swahellie {sp}) but yeah like it was supposed to be a surprise to the concert it was gonna bwe like this extra thingy and then he tells me the name of it (o sufini mungu) and i sang it for him and it was funny and he told me that he was like damn girl lol it was funny but yeah i love him so much and i cant get him off my mind... g2g for now byeee

robyn

Cutting in inapropriate places
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 31 00:20:26 2002 (#858)

I had the bright idea this morning to take a razor blade with me to school. SCHOOL!?
I've "hurt" myself in school before, but never so much that the blood gushes everywhere and that I need to go visit the nurse. I didn't do that today either..but I have a feeling I will. School makes me want to cut these days more then anything..well not more then anything but it's up there on my list.
Ugh..I just can't handle it..some people might think it's minor things that go on in school to make a person mad but to me in my mind they aren't minor at all..I know I'll get over it but I need something to help me like a little cut. or a big one.
Has anyone cut in inapropriate places? I dunno this might not be a good questionto ask but I am really wondering about this. What do you do when something happens and your somewhere where you cant do SHIT about it.
Its so torturous..it hurts, it feels like fire in my brain.
anyone care to explain?
after all the therapy and work Ive done on all this I would think that I could think of another way besides cutting, but sometimes I fall right back into myself and it feels like the first time I ever cut. A cut with a smile on my face, like I need to do it, like my medicine.
someone help.
I dont want the school to be involved in anything.
-KAT

Re: Cutting in inapropriate places
Posted by robyn on Thu Jan 31 02:59:23 2002 (#863)

Hey babe please dont do that cuz my friend got sent to off campus for havin a razor at skool and gettin caught for cuttin... i dont want ne thing to happen to u ok? you got my prayers

much love always

robyn

Re: Cutting in inapropriate places
Posted by jue on Thu Jan 31 03:03:43 2002 (#864)

oh...hon i'm sorry.....
i seem to carry my instruments with me everywhere in my wallet.....stupid stupid i know.....it really isn't beneficial but otherwise i just buy them so at least it saves me money:) sorry that was stupid....careful hon....maybe you should bring bandages with you too...just in case....not that i am advocating it but it might save you from a difficult situation.....sorry don't mean to lecture....
take care
love and hugs
julie

Re: Cutting in inapropriate places
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Jan 31 03:55:17 2002 (#866)

DO NOT BRING THE RAZOR TO SCHOOL!!!

you might think that you need to...but it is probably best that you don't do it in school. if you do, you will have to go to the nurse...who knows what the school will do about you cutting, but you will get suspended for bringing a weapon to school

please dont bring it to school...sorry if this post sounded mean or rude, but i am just trying to help you

Re: Cutting in inapropriate places
Posted by Sharon on Thu Jan 31 22:28:29 2002 (#871)

Kat, I know exactly what you mean. I think at some point every self injurer will cut or burn or something in an "inappropriate place". My place was also school, that and church. And once you've majorly cut in a place where you're not in some sort of control, you feel as if a line has been crossed. Like SI has seeped out from your secret places and contaminated other parts of your life. At least that's how I felt. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.
Peace,
Sharon

Re: Cutting in inapropriate places
Posted by kae on Sat Feb 2 03:04:09 2002 (#885)

i bring a craft knife with me to school. last year, i would get panicky in class and get an overwhelming urge to cut. If i didnt bring the knife, i would be looking for other things to use and not concentrate on class anyway.
i would go to the toilets at the end of class, lock myself in a cubicle and cut my arm. unfortunately i never brought plasters, so i would have to mop it up with toilet paper and go back to class with blood running down inside my sleeves. NOT a good feeling....but then again, a great one.

kae

Rhonda
Posted by Erin on Thu Jan 31 02:26:19 2002 (#860)

hey..can you email me your reposonse to my post? I'm blocked from it :(

help
Posted by jue on Thu Jan 31 10:10:58 2002 (#867)

does anyone know any first aid for burns? i have this one on my forearm that won't heal and it hurts like hell....it is over a week old and i am getting worried....

Re: help
Posted by Amanda on Thu Jan 31 20:01:36 2002 (#869)

he only thing i can think of is, put a wax coated gauze over the wound then put a clean dry bandage on it. the gauze will stop the bandage sticking and should help it heal. hope it helps.

Love Trust and Pixi Dust
Amanda

Re: help...ya
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 31 23:38:57 2002 (#876)

hm, if I remember correctly you need to let it "breath" but also put cold washcloths on it when possible. Dont cover it completely up with bandages but be careful what you do, dont want to get it dirty and then infected. Try some anti-biotic creams, theres tons out there for burns.
I have some ugly looking bruises under neath my cuts on my legs, they are very ugly..but I dunno..dunno what to do about them.
I hope everything gets better and heals on you..be careful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE
love KAT

my life
Posted by pink girl on Thu Jan 31 16:56:27 2002 (#868)

when you wake up in the morning feeling quite good. why is it that something always happens that makes me feel so shite by the end of it?
ive eaten too much and am never going to be thin.

this song sums up how i feel
cut my life into pieces
ive reached my last resort
suffocation, no breathing
dont give a fuck if i cut my arm bleading
would you even care if i die bleeding
would it be wrong, would it be right
if i took my life tonight
chances are that i might
mutilation out of sight
and im contemplating suicide

cos im loosing my sight, loosing my mind
wish somebody would tell me im fine
nothings alright, nothings fine
im running and im crying

i cant go on living this way

but i dont think i would ever do anything, but its nice to think about it
how fucked up am i :(

Re: my life
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Jan 31 23:05:30 2002 (#873)

i love that song...papa roach is awesome...have you ever heard that song Revenge? its really good.

Re: my life
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 31 23:14:58 2002 (#874)

you know when that first song came out no one knew about my cutting and I was like woah..thats so wierd how the song explains what Im TRULEY feeling, I mean with the cutting and all. Now my friend says everytime she hears that song she thinks about me Im like geez thanks, heh.
anyway..Im sorry life sux, it doesnt always suck just sometimes, and thats inevidable. I too eat to much and will never be thin, I can lose wieght and be happy about my size but never fully satisfied as thin. Oh well..I guess thats just the way things are.
Take care of yourself, and know your not alone in this big ugly world.
take care
love KAT!

after an extended hiatus . . .
Posted by Sharon on Thu Jan 31 22:23:33 2002 (#870)

Well, I'm back! And I have 351 new messages to read, don't you envy me? lol. Anyway . . . the last two months I've been taking some "me" time and doing a lot of thinking about life and God and where cutting fits into all of that . . . I can't say I've got an answer yet, but I'm waiting for the day! Everything's been a bit crazy, lots of stress with school and stuff and my relationship with my mother is steadily deteriorating, at least from my perspective. All of this lends itself to excuses for cutting. I guess I came here today to know that I'm not all alone and that life does go on. Ha, even as I'm typing this I'm shaking my head, my own hypocrisy can astound me at times. Well, that's all for me, just wanted to let everyone know I haven't dropped off the planet!
Peace,
Sharon

Re: after an extended hiatus . . .
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Thu Jan 31 23:03:58 2002 (#872)

it's good to see you posting again...i, myself as well have just come back from a little break...hope everything turns out good

Re: after an extended hiatus . . .
Posted by KAT on Thu Jan 31 23:18:04 2002 (#875)

Hi Sharon, nice to see things are okay with you. Some "me" time sounds really nice, I love being alone and all by myself, it makes me so happy. Anyway..take care and keep in there, things will all flatten out so you can eventually see where everythings supposed to fit in life.
take care
love KAT

I just find it ironic
Posted by Alana on Fri Feb 1 05:44:09 2002 (#877)

I won an award at grade eight grad....its called the Cristin Fitzpatrick Award. Cristin was one of my best friends in school, and in grade four she was swimming in a pool and her beautiful red curly hair got stuck in a jet...she drown, and died 2 days later. *Devastation sucks out my soul once again recalling the incident and the months that followed* My school dedicated an award to the most beautiful and outstanding life that ever graced the world...my dear friend Cristin. The award is given to students who follow in Cristin's steps - cheerful, successful, caring, full of life. So grade eight grad was extrememly emotional for the reason that I felt privelaged to be even considered like Cristin.
I just find it kinda ironic that I would love to break my hand with the marble base of the award. It's a daily reminder of who I use to be and what I should have been. I was expected to be a great person...and I'm not...I failed at that. I don't like to look at the award, I don't like to compare myself to my friend's beautiful life. I don't deserve it. What I deserve is for the hand that reached out and accepted the award to be shattered by it. Shame on me for taking that award. I am nothing the award entails. I am nothing. My hand will be broken...I expect it to be a horrifying pain when I do it which I shall embrace deservingly.
Give me a couple days to compose myself and the marble will painfully strike my hand, shattering every bone. I can't wait, I've been anxiously awaiting my punishment for 4 years now. It's time to give back to Cristin. She should have never been hurt like that, to have to know you're stuck under water, not being able to breathe...dying...it should have been me.

Goodnight, Alana

*kisses her angel Cristin goodnight, I love you*

Re: I just find it ironic
Posted by KAT on Sat Feb 2 00:58:21 2002 (#882)

Alana I'm sorry you've gone through the pain of losing a dear friend tragically like that. It is horrible, you're absolutely right, but for you to punish yourself in such a way is not ,in my eyes, the best thing for you to do to give honor to your friend, rest her soul. I hope things with you are okay, if this award was given to you it is obvious that somewhere inside of you , you have the same good cualities that make you eligible for this award. Please don't punish yourself for something you couldn't have controled, just take it easy, remember the good and be honored that you can accept such a precious thing.
I hope you stay safe, the best way you can..and take care of yourself, emotionally as well.
love KAT

Richey Edwards Officially Dead
Posted by laura rose on Fri Feb 1 15:04:34 2002 (#878)

=(
They have officially declared Manic Street Preachers guitar and lyricist Richey Edwards dead today. He has been missing since February 1, 1995.

I hope you are in a happier place, Richey... I'm sad my voice is gone... you gave many of us cutters an identity.

~laura rose

Re: Richey Edwards Officially Dead
Posted by .::*kim*::. on Fri Feb 1 21:55:28 2002 (#880)

did they say how he died?
suicide i'm guessing...

ahhh tearssss

Re: Richey Edwards Officially Dead
Posted by laura rose on Sat Feb 2 00:29:38 2002 (#881)

They don't even know for sure if he's dead... it's just that after a certain amount of years, they just officially pronounce them dead.
~sg

Re: Richey Edwards Officially Dead
Posted by KAT on Sat Feb 2 01:00:29 2002 (#883)

wow thats so odd!! I hope that if I ever turned up missing they wouldnt pronounce me dead after a certain amount of years. Anyway bless his heart where ever he is.
love KAT

nonsense
Posted by pink girl on Fri Feb 1 17:57:57 2002 (#879)

i know i posted yesterday bout how lousy im doing but there is just no one i can talk to about it for fear that they will tell my parents.
i just want to be so self destructive. i had not cut for two weeks and was feeling more positive and then i just get really down again for no reason.
im just a complete psyco. i have cut two hearts. one on my thigh and one on my arm. i dont even know why i did that instead of my usual slashing. it just seemed better in some way.
i dunno
sorry

Re: nonsense
Posted by KAT on Sat Feb 2 01:03:48 2002 (#884)

Hi Hun, I don't think you're psycho at all..nothing you've said has ever lead me to believe that you're a psycho person. But if you were I'd love you anyway..
I hope things get better and whatever is making you feel down, well I hope things work out. I know how you feel, sometimes I'll just get depressed simply because it's a monday or something and I hate Mondays..Dont know why, just happens.
anyway take care *hugs*
love KAT

don't fuckin bother
Posted by Alana on Sat Feb 2 04:27:00 2002 (#886)

I will not let myself cry...just as I started to write this I've noticed that my dad is fixing the door he just broke down...by pushing my mother into it.

Things will never be ok. Marriage is a joke. We just fuck it up. Who would want that? I don't want to be pushed...I don't want to be hurt anymore. I just want out.

Alright I'm holding back the tears, its a sign of weakness and I'm strong...or at least would like everyone else to believe that while on the inside I'm the weakest piece of shit.

I will live my life alone forever...I see what trusting in others does to people. It just causes hate. I don't wanna hate and I don't wanna trust. I just want to be alone.

Dad: "Alana, I'm going out, maybe I'll be back"

Don't fuckin bother. Nobody fuckin bother anymore.

Re: don't fuckin bother
Posted by kae on Sat Feb 2 10:41:27 2002 (#887)

Parents are always the most complicated people we will ever know in our lives. They bring us into the world, then fuck around with our heads, then let us go. Some worse than others.
The only thing you can do is keep going. Ignore their battles with each other - I know thats probably almost impossible when you live with them, but try to block it out. Maybe you could sit down and talk with them. Write them a letter telling them to sort themselves out. I don't know...

Hope you're okay...don't ever give up.

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: don't fuckin bother
Posted by robyn on Sun Feb 3 16:19:31 2002 (#892)

Hey babe its ok... I kno that people fuk their lifes up but its their choice... my dad split when i was 10 months. but now i kno 2 amazing people bill and linda... they've been togehter for over 30 years and they've been married since they were 16... SIXTEEN! my mom was 33 when she got married and it ended wen she was 34.... see now my parents are fuked up but my second parents showed me that its possible for a relationship to last if u reallie love that person and somtimes teh love just goes away or atleast u think so but wen u have a child that love is always there cause just knoin that u and that man or you and that woman made that child its just amazing even wen the parents say that they dont love u they do bc you're their flesh and blood.... they need u cause u'll always be stronger then them in so many ways SO MANY WAYs! so please alana dont worry if it was ment for them to split they will and if u believe in God well He has a plan for everyone... everything that happens happens for a reason.... did u see the movie MUSIC OF THE HEART? well that explains it all roberta the mom in the movie's husband left her and she was left with her 2 kids and she ended up doin somthing she never would have done if she were still with her husband and its based on a true story and if u go and see it listen to waht is said in the limo at the end and ull understand... i'm sure u want me to stop talking so i will but please just think about wat i said... God knos wats gonna happn in ur life and He could make it so its for the better ok well much love Email me if ya wanna here more of my rambling aite byeeeeeee

~robyn

Re: don't fuckin bother
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Feb 5 02:08:30 2002 (#906)

Alana,
Marriage can be a good thing, but it takes 2
people working at it to make it happen. My husband
and I will be married 21 years in September of this year. Though we have had our differences, we
have never had a physical fight. Marriage is a lot
of hard work and you have to be committed to it.
I'm sorry you have to endure watching your parents
and I truly hope you are okay. Please know that I'm thinking about you. Take care.
Love, Rhonda