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Threads 351 to 375

ugh
Posted by J on Fri Mar 29 00:45:38 2002 (#1232)

its late.i cant sleep.im bored.i've eaten an early easter egg.i feel fat.ugh

lifes ugly but in order to live it you have to accept it for what it is................

love and support
J xxxx

Re: ugh
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 29 15:04:41 2002 (#1235)

i completely agree and the whole early easter egg thing.....yep thats me to but dont feel fat and ugly.....sod it.....it was chococlate that we as individuals fully deserve right? (ha ha sometimes i make myself laugh....im a babbler)

take care oh yeah and by the way my names donna and im 17 years old, come from england. im from the old board you see xxx

wow...
Posted by kae on Fri Mar 29 11:22:06 2002 (#1234)

I got such a shock to see so many new messages in such a short time...usually theres only about 2 messages a day! Looks like the board is going to be a lot busier from now on...I've been on this board since it opened, because its so much better than the ratatosk one.

So...HI to all you new people!

It'd be great if we could all say a bit about ourselves, just to get a better picture of each other. I'm 17, female, and I live in New Zealand. I've been self-harming for two years, I'm not on meds and I don't see a counsellor. I plan on training to be a psychologist when I finish school. (sounds a bit ironic, doesn't it?)

How about everyone else??

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: wow...
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 29 15:18:43 2002 (#1237)

hey thats just like me!!!? im 17 from england, female, cutting for half a year now, see a psyke tho but im going to uni next year to train to be a psychologist too. it is a lil ironic isnt it? in the other board we posted all the time it helped me so much....i hope its the same here xxx

Re: wow...
Posted by diana on Fri Mar 29 16:03:56 2002 (#1239)

hey im a 15 year old female from new jersey. been cutting for 3 years but i haven't in the longest time. i see a therapist n i am on medication but im gonna stop that stuff. umm...i don't find it ironic that u guys want to be a psychologists because you have more experience then those people who just learn about it from books. you can help people out because they too can relate to you and won't hear pathedic bullshit..lol-diana

Re: wow...
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 29 16:54:36 2002 (#1240)

hey. I'm 17, i'm from england and I've been cutting for about 2 years now. I see a therapist and I'm on meds but they don't do any good! I want to be a writer when I leave school (yeah, some hope!) and I'm going to University to study english literature. Love to everyone and all! El x x x x

hey im just lynn
Posted by lynnibear on Fri Mar 29 19:33:38 2002 (#1244)

im just lynn,no one special, and i have been doing si for two years. Today my dad asked me how i was doing, and asked me questions.....like, my mom wanted me to try on clothes but i wouldnt try them on in front of her because of me scars and new cuts. so he asked me if that was the reason, and i said yes........im so stupid, i shuldve lied but i didnt...im just so desperate. i see a counselor and i am on prozac and rhisprodol (not that i take them regularly) and i also want to be a phsychologist.. my counselor says ill replace him soon lol. I just!!!!!!!grrrr!!!!!!!! the last time i cut i got no relief exept for the blood running down my leg, and now i dont know what to do other than kill myself, so please someone HELP! before i cut my wrists and show someone, because ive already told my dad that i was still cutting, and i just might screw up and land in the hospital again......
please help me.......
lynn

Re: wow...
Posted by Alana on Fri Mar 29 18:40:47 2002 (#1243)

Boring Boring Boring Alana

17 - Canadian - Self harming ever since I can remember - cutting for over 2 years - curly red hair - pierced and tattooed - listening to Striptease by Hawksley Workman - lost a shitload of weight (30lbs) since October, which feels great - my nephew Aidan was also born in October, which is even better - I'm a complete pothead - my parents are probably going to split - plan to move to Ireland in a few years - going to university to study nursing - pure rocker - my best friend has the same name as me, but spelt Alanna - lost my virginity to somebody who loves me - attempted suicide 9 times within 3 months - the last time I nearly died, but God had something else planned for me - my fave colour is blue - my toothbrush is neon green - I've been hurt in the past and present - haven't burned myself since september: SHAME - I'm in grade 12 going into OAC - I go to Cardinal Newman Catholic High School - we have a chapel in our school - I skip mass every week - I'm a sinful little girl.....

Anyways, its boring boring boring Alana

Re: wow...
Posted by She on Fri Mar 29 20:32:45 2002 (#1248)

HIya
Im She In 17 years old ive been si for 3 or so years and 5 years ago for just a year . Ive tried just about everythig illegle on the face or the earth .Im a compleate falier who cant even die propely .
Well that sums me up
Ohh and i have two amazing friends on the web who have keept me alive (thanx i think you know who you are )
loads of love
She

Re: wow...
Posted by Lindudes on Sat Mar 30 01:55:04 2002 (#1252)

Hey, haven't been on her before, but thought this was a good chance to introduce myself, I'm 18, from New Zealand, been cutting for about 3 years, suicidal, have spent way too much time in psych units... um... i hate life and i still cut yet i also thump my arm with a hammer... anyone else do that??
Well, I'll catchya guys later, take care
Lindudes

For Lindudes
Posted by Maggie on Sat Mar 30 06:23:09 2002 (#1253)

Hey there,
It's interesting to see another person here from NZ. I'm 21 years old, doing a Masters in Neurobiology at Auckland Uni, been SIing for a couple of years now.
Cutting is my main vice, but I also have experiences with hammers too... arms, ribs...

Where in NZ are you from? Where are the psych wards that they send you?

Re: For Lindudes
Posted by Lindudes on Sat Mar 30 13:18:37 2002 (#1256)

Hey Maggie, um I'm in Invercargill - the deep south, and yeah I've been to the Southland Mental Health Unit more times than I care to remember! Also been to the ChCh Youth Inpatient Unit (that was brilliant). I've never even consider ribs... have you ever broken anything by hammering yourself?? I was doing a psychology course (surprise, surprise, hehe seems we're all alike on this board) but I've postponed it... too hard to concentrate on..
Anywayz take care guys
lindudes :)

Re: For Lindudes
Posted by kae on Sat Mar 30 13:24:56 2002 (#1258)

hey...i know both lindudes and maggie...i dont know why it didnt occur to me to tell either of you that. but anyway...its pretty cool having three new zealand chicks on an american-based board....yay us!

luv, kae

Re: For Lindudes
Posted by Maggie on Sun Mar 31 09:32:04 2002 (#1277)

I don't know how good it is that Kiwis make up such a significant proportion of people posting on this board...
I haven't actually broken any ribs with the hammer, though that was my intention. I did get some serious bruising though and I find that I prefer bruises to cuts, because they fade completely over time.

How old are you Lindudes? How did you get admitted to psych wards?...through your GP, A&E department, psychiatrist???

Happy Easter to both of you.

Maggie.

Re: For Lindudes
Posted by lindudes on Sun Mar 31 12:46:55 2002 (#1278)

Hey Maggie, I'm the same with hitting my arm with a hammer, my intention is to break it, so far hasn't happened but had bad bruising (almost like an egg being on my arm). I'm 18 and a half, all admissions to the looneybin been through A & E department, my shrink and sometimes the Mental Health Emergency Team.
Take care, catchya later
lindudes

Re: For Lindudes
Posted by Maggie on Mon Apr 1 05:16:06 2002 (#1299)

Do you have an email addy?

Re: For Lindudes
Posted by lindudes on Mon Apr 1 08:40:42 2002 (#1307)

Hey, yep I've included it above!

weak
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 29 15:15:18 2002 (#1236)

i feel so emotional today that no amount of cleverly worded adjectives could describe, so weak and fragile that it hurts to get out of my precious bed to type this now. im angry at evryone for failing me and angry at myself for failing them. i am a failure to myself and i hate myself. i havent cut for ages (2 weeks) but i fel so angyr at myself and ashamed with myself for not doing it?? why??? is this normal or am i a raving looney. i hate this emotionla crap that i cant get my head round.....it is messing up my future and it aint fair.

Re: weak
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 29 16:58:50 2002 (#1241)

Hey honey. I know what you mean. In a way I feel guilty for what I'm doing to people by cutting, but in truth it's all their fault in the first place. I feel ashamed when I don't cut, like I'm denying a part of me. Like i'm lying to myself and to the whole world, pretending that I'm not screwed up. I hope you feel a little better soon sweetheart. You know where I am if you need me. Love you always and forever! El x

Re: weak
Posted by She on Fri Mar 29 20:24:34 2002 (#1247)

Yeah i know what you mean .
I stoped cutting & doing drugz for about a month or so a year ago.But when i saw the 2 huge scars accros my wrists and infection marks it was like i was deniying myself of who i was .
However dont ever think your hopless swetie your are so not you and eleanor are like the only reason im alive and i havent even meet you so your totaly not hopless.
Stay safe
Hugs and love
She**

"friends"
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 29 17:04:48 2002 (#1242)

I got forced to go out last night. My parents said they were fed up of me being at home, miserable and bleeding all over the place so they sent me out. I went to a club and met up with my "friend" Lizzie. It was nice for a while. I got drunk and danced like some crazed person, trying to beat some shit out of my system i suppose. But then Lizzie found somebody better and ditched me. I was left on my own for the rest of the night and got harassed by a group of guys. SHIT! Why do I always set myself up to be let down like this? I knew I shouldn't have gone out. Now I feel used, rejected....cheap. It hurts so much. I want to die.

Re: "friends"
Posted by She on Fri Mar 29 20:19:37 2002 (#1246)

Ohh swetie
What a fucking bitch wont me to beat her up for you.Argh how dear she do that to you .
Shit girl are you ok ?did those guys do n e thing to you they beter not of .
(((((((((((((((HUGE HUGZ)))))))))))))))))))
Please take care of yourself I care about you so so so much .
Love you loads andf loads
She**

Re: "friends"
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Mar 29 21:09:06 2002 (#1249)

hey eleanor......who needs "mates" huh? well you no wot this will prob sound sad but i class you as more of a proper friend than any of my "so called" ones......hee hee and the funny thing is ive never met you before!! well it just makes me laugh really......just never forget that you are twice as strong as them hun whether you have chosen to open your eyes and see it or not. i think you are one of the nicest strongest people i have ever met, i feel the same about she, you are both great and if you ever need a "friend" then i am always here xxxx

Re: "friends"
Posted by eleanor on Fri Mar 29 21:36:38 2002 (#1250)

thanks you two. They didn't do anything really, just knocked me about a bit, I got a few bruises etc. I'll live though :) I love you both loads and I definitely class you both as better friends than anyone i've actually met!!!!!!! Love you always and forever! El x

Re: "friends"
Posted by She on Fri Mar 29 23:09:41 2002 (#1251)

Strange huh?
You know how you can get so close to people you havent meet ?
You two are such amazingly strong people with hearts of gold . I love you both so so much and dont forget it girls.Its so luck that we have a bord to go on now huh id of died if i couldnt stay in touch with you girls .
Love you both loads and loads and loads
She*

eleanor and she
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Mar 30 12:38:56 2002 (#1255)

hey u2! im goin away to liverpool for 5 days so i wont be around till thursday.....just thort id post and say cya l8a and hope you are ok and hope you have a nice week. im gunna av2 go now coz i ant started packing yet!! erm im lookin forward to it anyway so hopefully wen i cum bak ill b in a better mood....cya later and hope you are both ok take care love donna xxx

cutting
Posted by snoopy on Sat Mar 30 13:23:32 2002 (#1257)

hey guys
im new on here sarahs my name im 20 from nz
i am into mainly cutting and burning mainly my arms easier to hide u see.
ive been in the looney bin as they call it in nz for as they say crisis admissions but the whole system is so stuffed up here and i was wondering if any others had some experiences like this
cheers
snoopy

Re: cutting
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 30 17:13:34 2002 (#1259)

hey, I'm eleanor as you've probably guessed! I'm from england and I cut on my arms. I've never been "put away" anywhere, just threatened with it. Is it really that bad? I'm scared of what it'll be like if they do actually do it. Anyways, speak to you later, love always, el x

Re: cutting
Posted by pointless on Sat Mar 30 19:16:39 2002 (#1261)

welcome. i hope we can help you through hard times.

Re: cutting
Posted by snoopy on Sun Mar 31 01:12:42 2002 (#1269)

thanks guys for the responses
well elanor ive been in a psyke ward five times so far the first one was for five weeks and it was too bloody long for my liking. they have fun in nz treating u like shit and it does not even help in the long run.
they r so domineering and treat u as if u r 5 years old. i just got out 2 weeks ago from a two day admission and they believed me in saying after two days before that i was going to kill myself that i would not harm myself in any way now on discharge what a joke how bad is that oh well take care everyone
cheers
snoopy

help me.
Posted by pointless on Sat Mar 30 19:15:45 2002 (#1260)

I want to abandon this relentless addiction..

But the only thing that stops me is this endless affliction.

I can't look into mirrors, afraid of what they'll show..

All the secret scars i cant let anyone know.

Re: help me.
Posted by eleanor on Sat Mar 30 19:19:25 2002 (#1262)

Hey. I can really identify with what you wrote. I hope you aren't feeling too bad. If you want to talk then you can email me, I'd love to help. Love always, El x x

Re: help me.
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Apr 6 22:01:13 2002 (#1562)

i can relate to that xxx

help please
Posted by alicia on Sat Apr 6 23:23:43 2002 (#1566)

hi my names alicia and im 13 ive been cutting for a year now and it seems to be the only way to relieve my pain other than over dosing on pills but people make such a big deal about it and how bad it is so i dont know what to do and i finally find this sight and all i want is someone who feels the same as me please help
love always alicia

Re: help please
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 13:18:16 2002 (#1581)

That makes scence feeling pain sometimes showes me that i still am alive .
Loadsa love
She~she

New to THIS board
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Mar 30 19:56:39 2002 (#1263)

Hello
I do not know if the same people on the ratatosk.net board are on this board apart from Rhonda, which I presume, is Tara's Mum. Any way that board is broken and this board will be taking over so it is a good idea to start writing to this board.
I cut. I used to burn but now its just razors. I am feeling very weighed down at the moment by this mask I have to put up to everyone pretending to be happy all the time, I've had enough…
Sorry for rambling so much!
Broken Girl x

Re: New to THIS board
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 30 20:00:27 2002 (#1264)

hey broken girl, im from the old board too...there are a bunch of people from the old board here now since the old board is broken...we should have like an online funeral service or something haha. i loved that board....:*(

Re: New to THIS board
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 31 00:21:07 2002 (#1267)

Hey Broken Girl! You're the one with the good taste in music aren't you?! lol! I'm from the old board and so is She and Scared aka donna. Hope you're doing ok! Speak to you soon, El x x
P.s I loved that board too Beka! :(

Re: New to THIS board
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun Mar 31 13:34:10 2002 (#1279)

Wahey, Im not the only one from the old board, I wasnt lookin forwaard to having to start again. I loved that old board too.
BG x

Re: New to THIS board
Posted by Rhonda on Mon Apr 1 01:34:53 2002 (#1287)

Hey Broken Girl,
You're right, I'm Tara's Mom. Would it be easier
if I just put my name down instead of saying
Tara's Mom? I miss the old board also, but it's nice to see a lot of people here that came from
there. Ya'll take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: New to THIS board
Posted by She on Tue Apr 2 16:22:52 2002 (#1363)

He he
Ive been away sorry .
Yep im from the olde bord to .
did you say this ones going to ?? no they cant do this.
Love ya all
She She

spinning out of control
Posted by lostchild on Sat Mar 30 21:39:49 2002 (#1265)

Things are out of control.
I dont know if any of you have really been to this point, but I feel like throwing my life away.
Let me tell you some more about me.
I am a suburban, rich-highschooled, middle- class familied girl. I want- no, need- people to think that I am this sweet, good- natured girl, and I have the soft voice to boot. I always had to be the perfect one in my family, always compliant, even when my mom abused me. My brother was the rebellious one, and he drained my parents so that they had no energy for me and my needs. My brother demanded the negative attention, while I sat in the shaddows. My pain was hidden, my feelings and thoughts were hidden under a mask of compliancy. No matter what, i was the forgiver, the sweet one, the good student. The perfect person.
And I wanted to be perfect, The flaws that i saw in myself were intollerable. The ana started in 8th grade, probably when things in life slipped through my fingers. In nineth grade, i was still ana, and began cutting.
I am no longer perfect to people: I am now flawed, broken, damaged, worthless. People are not blind. They see the scars I'm hiding, and they read the pain on my face that I had covered up for so many years with a smile. People are not stupid. But sometimes I wish they were.
"I have no probs, ill be okay, nothing was wrong on saturday, no, no prob."
Ana is not working for me- i dont have the will. I dont have the will to perform, whether at skool or church, or home.
I throw it all up in the air, cause my life is over.
My whole life was pretending, complying, smiling. But on the inside I was a mess. And now that my mess is on the surface, my entire life is a mess.
Is this making any sense?
I am going through the motions.
I am not really living.
I already went to the GD hospital, and i hav been through counseling, and yet I still have not found reasons to live.
~lostchild

Re: spinning out of control
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sat Mar 30 23:22:25 2002 (#1266)

hey there! why is your life like a mirror image of me???? my family used to be really wealthy until my dads alcoholism got out of control...now im a middle class girl in the richest highschool in all of california! what your saying does not sound weird at all seriously its exactly like me. my entire life i was a perfectionist. my family was always fucked up as hell. my dad was an abusive alcoholic, my mom was a loner, my older bro was a loner, my little bro was a rebel and he was always gettin in trouble. i spent all my energy hiding my family problems and appearing perfect to everyone, always looking perfect, always getting perfect grades, friends with everyone kinda thing. no one EVER wouldve guessed...then in 8th grade my problems just blew up on me my grades started falling i couldnt keep up the pretending, ninth grade i started cutting to deal with all the problems, im still really great at making people think im the super peppy doesnt have a single enemy girl and that my family is perfect, but i cant get it together with my sports and school. like you i just threw it all up in the air i couldnt do it, and i cant deal with the fact that people dont see me as perfect anymore....so to make a short story long i know exactly what youre sayin gurl!! :)

Re: spinning out of control
Posted by eleanor on Sun Mar 31 00:30:31 2002 (#1268)

I know exactly what you mean! I'm the supposed perfect eldest daughter of a famous father who's always on tv. On the outside the family looks perfect, but my mum's a depressive alcoholic and dad's so into his perfect media friendly life that he's never home to see what's going on. The whole family puts on a face to the outside world but my lil brother's as screwed as I am, as screwed as the rest of them. Oh yeah, I always got perfect grades and seemed to have a wonderful life but that's all bullshit. Now I'm like damaged goods, I mean what would it do to my dad's reputation if it got out that his daughter slashes her arms to pieces and is on meds because she's fucked up in the head? I'm sick of that pressure, they should accept me for who I am you know?

Anyway, I've babbled too much. Sorry, but when I get started all the hurt comes out and it's hard to stop. Take care, love to you all, El x x

arguing makes me insane and I want to die
Posted by Dawn on Sun Mar 31 04:23:22 2002 (#1270)

I don't know where to turn. The man I've considered my boyfriend for over 14 years brings out the fighter in me. I argue with him about so much stuff I am to the end of me.
I used to make up stories in my head that my husband would die and I'd get my life back on track with God and live happily ever after. I figured out the (his dying) bit was because I could not live and do so apart from him. Then 15 years later we divorced and I got on with my life. Married another man and within 6 months our divorce was final and my mental breakdown was in full bloom. I spent 9 years alone and did better.
Then I went wild and joined a meet somebody club and knew immediately this guy wasn't for me, but a couple of weeks later I received the nicest card in the mail and it hit the spot. We started talking and more and more he was there when I needed him to help me keep from cutting.

I moved then almost a year later I asked him to moved where I did and he got the apartment next door. He helps me a lot.... and now he's tired of it. And he scares me. And he makes me hate him and hate arguing with him.

Today I was filling out some paperwork that is a yearly thing in order to get food stamps and one of the questions asks if someone living with you threatens, yells, or makes you afraid of them and I wanted to say yes. But we don't live together. But further down in the paperwork it asks for your comments regarding any of the questions of the previous pages and I told them I'm afraid I am trapped in a situation and that I'm thinking of killing myself. I don't want to do that, but I'm at the end of myself, my tolerance.

I'm in a lot of physcal pain and need help doing things bending over or walking my dog and he helps with those things, but again I don't feel I can even live in the same area and not call him for help.

I know I'm going to cut I'm too upset.. I found out he's been misleading me for months and now I can't trust him..... then he sweetens up and becomes helpful again..... and he turns it on me and says he told me things different it is just my mental problems making me think he said thus and so. My mind isn't that bad. And to top it all off my insurance company pulled the plug on my therapist because she changed clinics about a year ago. Blood, blood will make things better.
email me if you have any suggestions...Dawn

Re: arguing makes me insane and I want to die
Posted by *me* on Sun Mar 31 04:35:07 2002 (#1272)

You deserve better than this, Dawn. I don't know what else to tell you. Try not to let him get to you (easier said than done, right?). If you're really, really afraid, you need to get out of the situation. It might be incredibly hard, but it'll be worth it in the end. And DO NOT (I repeat DO NOT) kill yourself. You're such a wonderful person. Don't leave us! We all care about you too much to see you go!

I shaved my head, cut my arm, but stopped at that
Posted by Dawn on Sun Mar 31 07:14:00 2002 (#1275)

Shaving my hair took a look of steam of of me. Cutting after so long was hard to accomplish, I got rusty of my technique, but when after about 15 minutes of working at it dark red blood began to race to the sink the release came, and it was time to take control and take care of myself. Come Monday morning I am going to take charge of my life and make changes in it. Starting with apartment hunting. Talking to the property managers and see if they have another apartment they will rent me. I can get statements from my doctor saying it is important that I move to flat land, and close to bus lines and grocery stores, and that I need my dog for companionship and better mental health. I know how to get the help I need and its about time I use what I know. I let you know how goes. Don't worry about me...

no control
Posted by *me* on Sun Mar 31 04:30:09 2002 (#1271)

I'm so sick of everyone trying to tell me what to do. It's like what's the point of even being here because I don't get to control anything in MY life. It's like I'm just a body that does what everyone else wants.

Now, it's everyone telling me what I SHOULDN'T do in college. I'm still in high school, but ever since freshman year I've really wanted to become a child psychologist. My *secret* hope is to someday open my own clinic, maybe specializing in kids with depression. But my mom and my friends are all telling me not to do become a psychologist. My mom thinks that I'll be poor my whole life. And all my friends say, "I can't see you as a psychologist. What would you do if some kid told you that they were abused?" And I just want to scream. I know more about what kids who suffer feel like than a lot of other people! And who cares if you're "poor" if you're happy doing what you do? And who says I'm going to be poor? Maybe I won't be the richest person in the world, but I don't think I'll be POOR. And besides, I really want to help people. Let them know they're not alone.

My mom tries to control every other thing I do, I'm not letting her control this, too! But it makes me so mad, she can't even support me in one thing. And then she goes and says, "I'm just looking out for your best interests." And I want to tell her to shut the f*ck up! She could care less about MY best interests. It's her OWN she's worried about. God help us all if I don't meet her standards. The world might *gasp* think she's not the perfect mother. So I've gotta be perfect so that no one suspects. It's something that's gotten old a long, long time ago.

Sorry this is long. Venting.

Re: no control
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Mar 31 05:06:31 2002 (#1273)

Hey! i have the same problem. i want to be a surgeon and open my own clinic or hospital. i know itll be hard but its my DREAM! my mom keeps shooting it down saying "by the time you get out of medical school youll be old enough to retire and so in dept youll never get anywhere". i dont give a fuck. i wanna do something that for once i want to do! seriously we gotta just fuck what our parents say and do what makes us happy. you never know! maybe we could be partners in business and open a full fledged hospital together with a psychology and medical section!!! itd be a blast!

Re: no control
Posted by Dawn on Sun Mar 31 06:55:30 2002 (#1274)

It is so hard to be a young person in high school with so many possibilities. When I was your age I wanted to be a beautition. Well long story short that didn't happen. As we grow and change life and circumtances change who we are and what road of live we live. Right now your parents are making a stab at parenting.

I too wanted to be a psychologist, and after my divorce I went to college and wound up doing what many people in college do>>> change majors several times as your mind expands. It was during my courses that the library in my mind broke down and shelves full of memories came crashing down and making me see what many people in human services discover and that is they choose a career in human services because they relate to what young people, alcoholics, mentally ill, and many other are going through and because they have been there they have empathy for people of their own kind.

Another thing... sometimes parents who are abusive, alcoholic, were raised with wealth and reputation fear that one day their children are going to spill the beans and the whole world will turn upside down.

You have your dreams and life roadmaps and pursue them in spite of what others say. It is your life and only you know what most interests you. Your plans may change a time or two til you get to where your true nitch is. You don't have to argue about it. There are enough classes that everyone no matter what their major is has to take. Take those the first year and while you are at it check in on some of the ones you need for your major you or your parents are interested and then you will have knowlege and maybe some facts to bring to a deeper conversation to persuade your parents to see your side of being who you want to be and the path you choose for yourself. By then you will discover you have more power on your side than your parents gave you credit for.

Re: no control
Posted by eleanor on Mon Apr 1 01:59:36 2002 (#1292)

You have to follow your dreams otherwise what else have you got left? Fuck your parents, do what you have to do to make your life your own. Love always, El x

Re: no control
Posted by Rhonda on Mon Apr 1 01:41:19 2002 (#1288)

Hey honey,
I hope you feel better after venting. I know it
helps me some to let off some steam when I get
really mad about something. Don't let you mom decide what to do with the rest of your life. If
you want to help kids, go for it. Besides you'll
be old enough to do whatever you want without having to answer to anyone except yourself. Always
remember, you have to answer to yourself. Folllow
you heart and I think you can do whatever you set your mind to. Take care of yourself sweetie, you
deserve to be happy in life.
Love, Rhonda

Re: no control
Posted by Dawn on Mon Apr 1 06:57:30 2002 (#1304)

I think perhaps you didn't read my post the way I meant it, or I was lecturing again.

What Rhonda said was what I was trying to get across. We all have dreams and no one lives inside our skin but us, so no one is a better expert on who we are and what we are capable of, what our DRIVE is and what motivates us to give 100% to being what are dreams tell us we can achieve.

Who knows what desperate teen agers need to say than one who has beem desperate. Go for it. Don't let anyone stop you.

desertion
Posted by Crimson Fire on Sun Mar 31 07:53:40 2002 (#1276)

why does it feel like everyone whos meant something to me has deserted me? is there something wrong with me or something??? every single person ive turned to for help has completely and utterly forsaken me. ryan, martin, joe, jessica, andrew, peter, all of them completely abandoned me. they were the people closest to me, most empathetic, now all i get from them are dial tones, away messages, slammed doors...what did i do wrong?? all i wanted was a huge....do you realize how long its been since ive had a hug?? it sounds so ridiculous...but when i think about it i dont even REMEMBER the last time someone hugged me. and why do i feel so guilty about searching for someone to care enough to listen to me? whenever i feel like cutting i try to call someone so ill feel better, but everytime i call someone its "oh sorry, my friends having a mental breakdown, cant talk sorry, bye!", or ill call another friend and before i can even say hi its "beka! omg i cant believe it i had the worst day! my mom yelled at me cause i forgot to get the groceries, and i got my report card, and..." and so i just feel so compramised, but then i start thinking about it and i feel so incredibly guilty that i feel betrayed cause wtf, it WAS more important that my one friend talk to her other friend whos having a mental breakdown whos to say shes not feeling worse than i? and my other friend i SHOULD listen to her instead of weigh her down with trivial conversation to keep me busy, whos to say shes not feeling worse than i am and shes just a good actress? then of course i feel so guilty i cut deeper then i would have anymore or ill be so depressed that i cant drag myself from a fetal position on my bed. im just so incredibly confused. i love helping people, i really do it gives me such satisfaction i love putting a smile on a teary eyed face, i really love it. but when was the last time someone asked me if i was ok? and if they have asked when was the last time someone actually wanted an answer rather than just being polite?? does this make any sense??? im seriously so confused i cant figure out what im feeling and i just feel like im in a black void somewhere.

Re: desertion
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun Mar 31 16:55:04 2002 (#1281)

I understand how you feel. Everybody I have turned to doesn't know what to say or do, so ignores the cutting. Maybe they just don't want to understand, but don't feel guilty if it is them who has deserted you not the other way around. I guess it is a lot for people to take in and some people will cover this up with triviality. But that is not an excuse for ignoring the problem. If you get a dial tone again then you can email me if it makes you feel better.

Re: desertion
Posted by Erin on Sun Mar 31 16:57:15 2002 (#1282)

my friends have deserted me too in a way... well, my best friend... she dont like to listen about someone else's problems but she expects people to always help her and all.. I dont know. its weird. but that is that attitude I've gotten from her that your friends did to you. maybe they're all just scared or something. I dont know. i wish people werent like that. I only have two good friends in person (I cant really talk to them about cutting either) and I have some friends online. I'm probably better friends with people online than in real life. go figure

Re: desertion
Posted by lostchild on Sun Mar 31 20:58:13 2002 (#1283)

i kno exactly what you mean- every single one of my friends dumped me because of my problems- they were too intense for them to deal with i guess. After all, im supposed to be perfect, so when i get back to being perfect i shuld call them, right? when all of this shit ends, which it never will, right? im sick of being deserted, especially since i would never desert anyone, no matter what they were going through. people only want me when im good, and when im fine.
well im not.

Re: desertion
Posted by Rhonda on Mon Apr 1 01:46:14 2002 (#1289)

((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))) ))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) ))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) ))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) ))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) ))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) ))))))))))))))))))
Here is a whole bunch of hugs just for you. When
you're feeling down, just take one and remember it
came from someone who really cares for you and wishes she could give you a real hug in person.
Email me anytime you want to talk. Take care of
yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: desertion
Posted by eleanor on Mon Apr 1 02:05:57 2002 (#1293)

Hey Beka. I know how you feel. Everyone I love desterts me, My best friend even tried to kill herself to get away from me. Just remember I love ya girl! Big hugs and love! El x x x x x P.S you know my email addy so USE IT! x x x x x x x x x x

Re: desertion
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 15:16:11 2002 (#1492)

Hiya
Good i know what you mean people can be so crule .The only person i trusted totlal fucked me up aqn abused me
I dont let people get to close to me now so they cant hurt me .
Loads a love
She

Re: desertion
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 1 20:08:45 2002 (#1325)

dude, you help me sooo much and i probably complain and start carrying on too much right away once i start talking to you. i'll really really try to stop. you're like my best friend, cause i tell you everything. you know so much more about me than any of my other friends. i love you so much, girl. and you know it. youre my sista. youre awesome. WRITE TO ME CAUSE I NEED YOU TO COMPLAIN ABOUT STUFF TO ME AND JUST TOTALLY VENT CAUSE I DO IT TO YOU ALL THE TIME. I LUV YA!!
mego

Safety net
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun Mar 31 16:33:23 2002 (#1280)

Hi, My mum is the only one who knows about the cutting, so I have to be careful around her, I have to be careful at school in case the teachers or other people see, I even have to be careful around friends because not all of them know. Old friend from Reading is coming down on Tuesday, so I'll have to be careful even in my sleep in case she sees. When I think about it, if I ever have a family of my own in 15 or 20 years time I wont even be able to go swimming with my kids, in case they see the ugly scars that now freckle my legs.
I feel so trapped, this is the last place left where I can be myself and not worry about who's watching and who knows. So I'm sorry I'm moaning on but at the moment I need some out let from the fabrication that is my life.

Re: Safety net
Posted by lostchild on Sun Mar 31 21:07:05 2002 (#1284)

hey hunnie-
i know what u r goin through: broken girl, lost child, its all relative. my legs are the only place i can cut now, and even there i cant cut anymore because spring break is almost here and my parents have to see me in a bathing suit in order to be happy. grrr, so now i have this little rectangle on my hips that i cut over and over again (it hurts.) but.....i hide it all now, but the scars on my arms still show........and i hate it when people see.

Re: Safety net
Posted by eleanor on Mon Apr 1 02:08:40 2002 (#1294)

I have scars all up my arms. Spring/summer is on its way and there's no way I can hide them anymore. I know exactly how you feel!!

Re: Safety net
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 1 20:00:22 2002 (#1324)

yeah, i know how that is. stay here, keep posting.

bleeding
Posted by lostchild on Sun Mar 31 21:22:50 2002 (#1285)

i desperately want to die.
my parents think that ive gotten better: after all, it has been eight months since they found out about the cutting.
i guess thats a good thing, that they think I am better.
but ive been cutting for over a year now
have been ana/slightly mia for three.
but the pain- its been there all my life.
im a good girl.
I go to counseling.
I went to the mental hospital for 10 days.
I "take" my medicine (or so they think.)
I eat (or so they think.)
I do my school work all the time (most of the time.)
I am perfect.
I am getting better.
I'm not cutting (every day.)
I dont want to die (I just run in front of cars every day walking to school, hoping to get hit.)

I need help! before i break down and tell someone, seriously, im going to i swear and that would be the end of it for me.......
or before i die..........
-lostchild

Re: bleeding
Posted by Rhonda on Mon Apr 1 01:52:46 2002 (#1291)

I don't really know if you'll want to hear what
I have to say, so just bear with me. I would like
for you to find someone to help you. It could be anyone, I don't care who, but the feelings you
present worry me. My daughter threatened to kill
herself and make sure I found her! So now, when
ever I hear someone say they want to die, it scares and upsets me. It makes me want to be there
to hold you and help you find some help for yourself cause I know that I can't help in that way. Sorry if this doesn't do much for you, but I
just had to post what I was feeling. I really do
care for you and I know the only thing I can do is
to encourage you to get help. Please think about it. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: bleeding
Posted by eleanor on Mon Apr 1 02:10:46 2002 (#1295)

I love you! Please take care of yourself, you sound so like me it's frightening. love always, El x x

Re: bleeding
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 1 19:56:24 2002 (#1323)

just stay here and keep telling us. i dont know what else to tell you.

attn: crimson fire
Posted by *me* on Sun Mar 31 23:48:35 2002 (#1286)

I'm blocked from your post. Can you C+P it into a new post because sometimes that works. Thanks.

scars
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 1 01:51:15 2002 (#1290)

hey, my mom bought me some stuff thats supposed to get rid of scars, some kinda cream shit. she bought it cause i have a couple scars on my face (fights with my dad, just being stupid) i dont know if it works or not, but i'm putting it on my arm. i dont know about the rest of you, but i cover up my scars, and i dont feel like wearing long sleeves all summer. i decided not to put it on the scars on my stomach, because i need something there to remind me, but just the ones on my arm. they seem too real or something. sorry, i'm babbling again. but i'll post after a few weeks about it again, to tell you if it works or not and to give you the name of the brand or whatever. remind me or send me some mail if i forget. i luv you guys.

Re: scars
Posted by eleanor on Mon Apr 1 02:12:26 2002 (#1296)

hey mego, it's good to hear from you. I hope it works! I could do with something like that.

Re: scars
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Apr 1 06:30:05 2002 (#1300)

hey mego!!! im so glad to see ya posting again!!!

Re: scars
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 15:11:49 2002 (#1491)

Hiya
Dose it worke .
Loadsa love
She she

Re: scars
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Apr 6 22:03:54 2002 (#1563)

hey mego! thanks i would be really grateful. hell if it works maybe i could get rid of the scars on my legs so i can go swimming again!

scared
Posted by eleanor on Mon Apr 1 02:17:06 2002 (#1297)

ok. I feel like shit. so alone, scared. Thinking about what happened to me the other noght just reminded me how repulsive I relly am. Those guys wouldn't rape me cause I'm so fat. It's the only time i'v ever been grateful of being so ugly, but they still beat on me cause of how I look. Even if I can find someone who can get past my looks there's still the scars. The portraits of my pain that map my arms. I'm going to be alone forever. even my friends are repulsed by me. What kind of life can I have? I want to die so badly

Re: scared
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Apr 1 06:32:31 2002 (#1301)

EL!!! hunny we know what its like to be alone, and i guess somehow in that way that we're all here we know somewhere sometime theres someone thinking about us!! i know i think about people on the board all the time, and that definitely includes you el!! all youve got to do is get through highschool, because in college its completely different and youll be able to find so many people just like you and everything will get better. so just hold on till then and remember we all love you!!

Re: scared
Posted by diana on Mon Apr 1 06:39:55 2002 (#1303)

hey, i know this is gonna sound corny as hell and i know you've heard it before, but its soo true. true beauty doesn't show on the outside, but it comes from within. who cares if you're not the most attractive person on the outside, but you sure have the biggest heart and you are very strong on the inside. people are fuck ups if they care about apperance. some of my very pretty friends are stuck up-self hearted bitches and if i was a guy, i wouldn't want to be with them. i duno where im going with this, but im just trying to say that you don't need to look great to live a great life...

Re: scared
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 1 19:54:12 2002 (#1322)

i know how it is, not being wanted because of my looks. write to me if you want. :) nobody else wants you to die, stick around for a while, we need you.

Re: scared
Posted by lostchild on Tue Apr 2 02:33:48 2002 (#1336)

hunnie, please, we love you so much, please dont belive that! what those guys did to u was nothing that u deserved- it was because people are so cruel and heartless and they dont care about people on the inside. Because if they really cared they would come to kno that you are a valuable person (unlike me) and that you just have gone through a lot of pain and suffering. even your friends cant really understand you and your pain, but it is nothing that you did and that doesnt say anything about you- it just means that they cant think outside of their "box." do you get what i mean? they are so caught up in themselves and eachother that they arent taking the time to understand and help you cope with your pain.
i luv u so much, and i want you to kno that i and a lot of people here are thinking about whats on the inside, and we all care about who it is that eleanor really is.
luv ya!
-just me,
lostchild

Re: scared
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 15:10:06 2002 (#1490)

Hiya sweetie .
I looooooooovvvvvvveeeeeeeee you .
I really dont care how you look your so so so beautiful to me prinsess .You have helped loads and loads of peeps on here .
Huuuuugggggggggzzzzzzz
Stay safe
Love you loads
She

i havent forgotten you guys......
Posted by fallen star on Mon Apr 1 05:07:59 2002 (#1298)

Sorry i havent been around much, im still sick so im just consentrating on looking after myself and Seth. I wish i could post more and i will once im 100% again, which shouldnt be to long :)

On another notw my dad put up a webpage of Seth so i can show him off its at www.iinet.com.au/~j ohnshaw if anyone wants to see, the lastest ones of him are under easter :)

Hope everyone is ok and had a good easter

Hugs and love
Heather

Re: i havent forgotten you guys......
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Apr 1 06:36:26 2002 (#1302)

heya!! i just looked at the site! seth is adorable!!! congradulations!

Re: i havent forgotten you guys......
Posted by eleanor on Mon Apr 1 14:38:08 2002 (#1310)

I looked too, he's lovely!!!!!!!!!!

Re: i havent forgotten you guys......
Posted by Erin on Mon Apr 1 21:35:24 2002 (#1327)

I'm not much of a baby person but congratulations

Re: i havent forgotten you guys......
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Apr 2 03:10:43 2002 (#1341)

What a little cutie!!!!!!!!!!!!! And look at all that dark hair!!!!! I hope you have many wonderful
years with this little guy. But get ready, he's
gonna be a heartbreaker. The girls are gonna
flock to him. Take care of him and yourself. You
deserve so much.
Love, Rhonda

Am I too old for this board?
Posted by Dawn on Mon Apr 1 07:10:02 2002 (#1305)

I'm thinking I don't fit in anywhere right now.
And you know those stress tests. Well my world seems to be collasping around me and I can't seem to find any hand holds, I don't know where to turn and no one to run too.

Yes, there is God, but he doesn't seem to be opening even a window. Oh yeah, His Word says, Thy word should be a light unto my path. Maybe I'll try that.....bleeding didn't help, shaving my head completely didn't do it, neither did talking to Paul

Re: Am I too old for this board?
Posted by diana on Mon Apr 1 07:44:07 2002 (#1306)

Hey, no dawn (thats my sister's name too) you are not too old for this board. Everyone's issues/problems revolve around one thing which is self injuring. age doesn't matter. yes, you are older then us so we may not understand or be able to relate to what you are saying, but that doesn't matter. we're still all here to listen...

Re: Am I too old for this board?
Posted by eleanor on Mon Apr 1 14:39:42 2002 (#1311)

No you are not too old. You've helped me loads and I care about and love you. Please keep posting and take care of yourself. Love Eleanor x x

Re: Am I too old for this board?
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 1 19:52:16 2002 (#1321)

you fit in here, we love you!!

Thank you all, I'm so glad you listen PLEZ READ!!
Posted by Dawn on Tue Apr 2 02:41:49 2002 (#1337)

I called a hotline, first time in years. She put me on hold, then told me to try a couple other numbers. The next one said it didn't sound like it was an emergency, and my response was, "Well yeah I don't have my scissors in my hand." And she flipping starts saying I'm trying to manipulate her by threathening to commit suicide. Then I could not get her to understand and when she asked for my name I said,"No! You don't think I'm worth anything." and I hung up and left the house in case she had my phone traced..... And I really needed a cooling off period.

When I got cooled off and finished my errand I called back and talked to her supervisor. She listened as I explained how I use my scissors to harm myself and that I never use harming myself as minipulation, nor do I used them as threats of suicide, I use them for release of my inner turmoil and chaos.

We ended on a good note and that is what is most important. I reasoned things out with her supervisor and she would speak with the lady I had originionally spoke with.

I hope all of you get a message out of this -- that not all crisis people understand SI, and many believe it is a minipulative ploy to get people to do what we want them to do. And that isn't it all.

Re: Thank you all, I'm so glad you listen PLEZ REA
Posted by gnimia on Tue Apr 2 14:47:08 2002 (#1362)

That is positive. there are so many people out there who refuse to try and understand that it makes a world of difference when someone does. if only i could find someone now!

gnimia xx

Re: Thank you all, I'm so glad you listen PLEZ REA
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 15:04:22 2002 (#1489)

Wow
How did she get a job .That reallyun sux i thourght support lines were for support.
Ohh well.
Love n stuff
she she

Re: Am I too old for this board?
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Apr 2 02:58:12 2002 (#1339)

Well Dawn,
If you're too old, then so am I. I really don't think anyone has a problem with you coming here.
You have helped so many others and I think they
really do care about you. Please keep coming here,
cause I'm going to till they tell me to leave. I
hope you're feeling better soon. Let me know how
things are going for you. Take care of yourself.
Love ya always,
Rhonda

Re: Am I too old for this board?
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 15:01:10 2002 (#1488)

Good please dont lrave the board wouldnt be the same without you .I dont thing of you being ne different to the rest of us .Rhonda we will never tell you to leave .
Loads of love and hugs and blue bells
She~she

just wondering
Posted by snoopy on Mon Apr 1 11:45:34 2002 (#1308)

hey guys
just wondering if any of you guys were into binge eating etc as well as self injury and hitting yourself ie with hammers etc
cheers
sarah

Re: just wondering
Posted by kae on Mon Apr 1 12:19:32 2002 (#1309)

im terrible at constantly bingeing on junk food....any food, really....at night when everyones asleep i'll come off the net and eat peanut butter sandwiches and biscuits....
i dont vomit it up though...i just keep eating. its shocking. luckily i havent put any weight on yet...im a small build and i just tell myself that eating lots will 'increase my bust'...lol...sad isnt it.

its mainly comfort eating....is that the same as you?

luv, kae

Re: just wondering
Posted by eleanor on Mon Apr 1 14:41:02 2002 (#1312)

I comfort eat but unfortunately I DO put on weight. I think it's all a form of self harm

Re: just wondering
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Apr 1 19:21:54 2002 (#1314)

I binge eat all the freakin time...its pathetic. sometimes ill just eat a ton to make myself feel better instead of cutting, othertimes ill feel so good after i cut that i dont care if i gain weight and ill eat a lot. i used to be bumlimic, but when i was bulimic i only lost like 5 lbs even though i did it for a year, now my parents will watch me everytime i eat so i never have a chance to purge so i just eat and eat and eat....

Re: just wondering for kae
Posted by snoopy on Tue Apr 2 06:53:29 2002 (#1347)

definately it is a real comfort to eat and even to not eat knowing that eventually if i try real hard it could eventually shut down like cutting really l like seeing the blood and all
luv snoops

Re: just wondering
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 14:58:37 2002 (#1487)

I dont really bing eat so much as binge drink ans moke good i got through 5 packs in aroung and hour befor .
He he (hope they find a cure for cancer soon.
Love
SHe

Re: just wondering
Posted by Marie on Mon Apr 1 19:43:51 2002 (#1317)

I'm kinda the opposite... I have a bad habit of just not eating whenever I'm really depressed. I usually feel really guilty if I do eat.

Re: just wondering
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 1 19:51:03 2002 (#1320)

i binge eat, then throw up my food. but i never thought of it as self injury. is it??

Re: just wondering
Posted by diana on Mon Apr 1 23:32:34 2002 (#1331)

yeah im kinda stupid... there are days i eat nothing.. but then there are days i can't stop eating. i lost 5 pounds this past week from not eating.. but then yesterday n today i can't stop eating(prolly cuz my parents got me shitloads of candy for easter) is there a way that i can just freakin stop binging?

Re: just wondering
Posted by Maggie on Tue Apr 2 13:39:08 2002 (#1358)

Hi there.
I found much comfort in hammers after the scarring from cuts became too much of a hassle.
I haven't managed to break any bones/ribs yet, but have done some serious bruising...
Just don't do it after drinking alcohol, coz it's hard to stop. Since you can't judge the damage by loss of blood, it takes more self-control to put it down...or at least that's how I find it.

What exactly is binge eating anyway?

Checkin up
Posted by Matt on Mon Apr 1 16:27:45 2002 (#1313)

Hey im just checkin in cause i havent been here in a really long time. I spent 2 weeks in Natchaug a little while ago, but im out, and in some outpatient place now, its aright, anyway, im in a class right now so i gotta go

later
matt

Re: Checkin up
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Apr 1 19:22:28 2002 (#1315)

hey matt!! im so glad to see you back!!! we love you!

Re: Checkin up
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 1 19:46:39 2002 (#1319)

hey bro, i havent talked to you in a while. write me some mail or something. i miss ya! i hope everythings goin good with you, if it isnt TELL ME. luv ya!!

mego

pain that won't stop
Posted by Marie on Mon Apr 1 19:42:23 2002 (#1316)

What do you do when the pain won't stop and it hurts to breathe, to live, to get up in the morning, to BE. What do you do when your heart keeps turning itself inside-out and you are all alone?
-Still fighting the urge....

Re: pain that won't stop
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 1 19:45:42 2002 (#1318)

i wish i knew.

Re: pain that won't stop
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Apr 2 13:21:54 2002 (#1354)

I wish I knew to. Maybe then life would be worth living.

Re: pain that won't stop
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 2 22:28:28 2002 (#1365)

I think if we knew the answer many of us wouldn't be here. x x

Re: pain that won't stop
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 23:26:39 2002 (#1460)

i wouldnt be

sorry
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 1 20:17:29 2002 (#1326)

sorry everyone, i havent posted in so long. just hadn't been up to it. i tried to respond to some that everyone else has been posting, i was just too tired to get through them all. i just wanted to say hi and i love you guys so much, and it really feels good to be posting again. ive been writing a lot of poetry here, but i dont wanna post any right now. i'm still not sure how i feel about it. but listen to this. "its almost like destiny that were all together. what does destiny mean? fate. the only true meaning of fate is death and the only fate that exists is death. therefore, maybe its death that has brought us all together" its from a movie called 7-teen sips. and it totally makes sense to me. i hope that isnt triggering to anyone, it just made me thing a lot. well, i got to go, i'm gonna go smoke a square and take a shower. i luv you guys!!

mego

I don't really wanna live this life
Posted by Alana on Mon Apr 1 22:01:51 2002 (#1328)

I'm crying and I don't know why. I'm not upset or angry. It's not even a hysterical cry....just tears streaming down my expressionless face. I guess I'm numb. I have a fever today...I'm freezing. I just can't get warm. Maybe I should eat something today.

"I walked into such a sad time" - Cream

There is so much knowledge out there that I feel I need to understand. The problem with me is that the more I learn the more sad I become. Not depressed sad....cuz when I'm depressed I get destructive like last year. This kind of sad I am now is more a hopeless depressed. A more informed sadness. I've learnt alot this past year, and sometimes I wish I could just take it all back. I was happier when I wasn't as knowledgable. So it's true what they say - ignorance is bliss. Oh how i wish I were ignorant for just one day.

I'm fucked.

Love, Alana

Re: I don't really wanna live this life
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 2 00:26:29 2002 (#1332)

i know what youre sayin

Re: I don't really wanna live this life
Posted by Dawn on Tue Apr 2 02:59:28 2002 (#1340)

Ah, Alana, I'm sorry you're in such a bad place. I can read it in the email address you created. I know what you mean about going back before you learned all you know about SI, the whys, hows, ways to get around those that be, who can lock you away, or help you to did up more crap. I hate it too sometimes, but you know what I wouldn't trade what I now know, for the hell I lived in ignorantly for all the money in the world. I have more peace, more hope, and know more feedom from abuse than I ever had before.

And although I'm in a dark place now. I've been worse. Tie another knot in your rope and hang on a little longer.... it does get better....Dawn

Re: I don't really wanna live this life
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 2 13:20:58 2002 (#1353)

I know what you mean. I can't say much but sometimes it helps to know that someone is feeling the same as you. love always x

Re: I don't really wanna live this life
Posted by She on Thu Apr 4 23:25:51 2002 (#1459)

i hear you i understand what ur saying.Its sooo true.
Love
She

All alone and nothing to smoke
Posted by Phil on Mon Apr 1 22:24:44 2002 (#1329)

Well its 9 o'clock and I havent had a fag yet scince I thought it would be good for me :) Wrong! My girlfreind is at the ice stadium watching system of a down which is cool, shes been my little bit of light in this somtimes far to dark life (that was a bit too poetic) although somtimes I think I let her know a little too often. Anywho I still need that fag, you see the problem is that I have the money but all the fucking shops are shut because its Easter Monday which I think is a little un-fair.

Anyway, please everyone have a good easter and remember that so aslong as theres chocolate involved its got to be good :) xx

Re: All alone and nothing to smoke
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 2 00:27:53 2002 (#1333)

easter monday?? hmmm... thats crazy. but if i could, i'd give you one of mine. borrow one from someone. good luck

Re: All alone and nothing to smoke
Posted by Phil on Tue Apr 2 04:38:11 2002 (#1343)

thanks for the offer :) I found a 24 hour shop not too far away and they sold me some. so Ive calmed down a bit. still missing somthing though but I wont go on about that again. Im going to really try and sleep now.
Night everyone x

Re: All alone and nothing to smoke
Posted by gnimia on Tue Apr 2 14:43:32 2002 (#1361)

Never a good idea to try and stop smoking if things are bad! i know! hope you get some soon (fags i mean) take it easy
xx gnimia