You are here: Home > Archive > Psyke.org Forum > Threads 401 to 425

Threads 401 to 425

not belonging
Posted by kae on Fri Apr 5 02:03:05 2002 (#1464)

I am lost in this world because I don't belong anywhere. There is a deep black void within me...I know it sounds cliche but thats the best way I can describe it. Theres something missing, something that I can't account for.
When I hurt my body, whether by cutting or burning or hitting, the pain fills the void. For that time, I can only concentrate on the pain, the size of the wound, and the blood. Nothing else matters....nothing else exists. Just myself and the pain of my body. Then for the next few days, tending to the wound distracts me from everything else around me. A especially big wound can stop me from SI-ing for up to four days.
I cannot live without SI. It keeps me sane, it keeps me alive. If anybody were to try and take that away from me, a part of me would die. Pain taken on the inside leaves permanent bruises. Those bruises cause the soul to curl and shrivel. However, pain taken on the outside of the body heals by itself.
The heart and soul must be protected from Life's pain.

This all makes perfect sense to me. Does anyone else feel the same way? Its pointless trying to get 'help' because no counsellor seems to understand me. The one at school just told me it was 'disturbing'...that she couldn't help me...and where did I think this was going to take me?? I know what she really thinks; that I'm just a highly-strung, attention-seeking, confused little girl going through a strange phase. I know for a fact that she believes the 'highly-strung' and 'phase' bits because shes said it herself.

So who do I turn to? Nobody. I turn to SI, because it works and because it doesn't judge me. I don't see an end to my SI...nor do I see myself continuing it for the rest of my life. But maybe thats because I don't see myself living the rest of my life...its all hazy from here, a dark, oppressing shadow that I don't want to enter. I just want it all to stop, right here, right now...to fall into a numb, drunken blur and no longer know or feel anything. I don't want to keep living. I'm weak and I just want to give up.

I don't belong in this world.

kae

Re: not belonging
Posted by snoopy on Fri Apr 5 08:54:34 2002 (#1479)

i know what u mean kae
all bloody counsellors think its a passing phase and i hate when they say it cause they have no proof and they cant read our own mind. SI is important for our survival and we need it and no one can stop us when we r feeling like were in a deep dark hole which is quite frequently for me
but hey dont listen to them only u know how u feel and remember im allways there to talk
take care
snoopy aka sarah

Re: not belonging
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 11:19:24 2002 (#1481)

Yeah i know what you mean .For me its like a survival thing if i couldnt si i would probably not be here.
Love you all
She~she

Re: not belonging
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Apr 5 15:22:44 2002 (#1495)

i feel like that all the time....like im not meant to be here...like it was a mistake i was born. i feel like i dont belong too and it sucks but at least you know yor not alone in feeling this way take care xxx

Re: not belonging
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 5 15:50:12 2002 (#1500)

i know that I don't belong. I also know what you mean, cutting is the only thing that keeps me sane.

Re: not belonging- u do *NM*
Posted by lostchild on Sat Apr 6 00:09:48 2002 (#1519)

Losing my sanity
Posted by Maggie on Fri Apr 5 03:13:24 2002 (#1467)

I keep saying crazy things... not only to myself but to other people. The words just come out and then I feel embaressed. I accidentally said to someone at work "Are you a dog?" and then she goes "Huh?" and I just wanted to sink under the floor. So I pretended that it's a lateral thinking puzzle that I heard on the radio and that she had to figure out the answer. She believed it, but I'm saying all sorts of nonsense like "Frogs will fly" "I'm a frog/dog" Luckily it's mostly when I'm alone, but my parents are giving me strange stares as well as my friends.

I'm going completely bonkers... I don't even realise what I said till after I said it. WHat is wrong with me?

Re: Losing my sanity
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Apr 5 05:04:46 2002 (#1471)

haha youre not going bonkers hun!! i do that ALL the time!! i have a rep with all my friend and peers for being crazy cause ill just walk up to someone and be like "flying armadillos!!!" and then ill yell ahh!! theyre going to get us!! and run away and yeah people think im crazy. but we;re not crazy.

Re: Losing my sanity
Posted by mego on Fri Apr 5 05:24:38 2002 (#1472)

i've done shit like that too, but it only lasts a couple days. if its longer than that, maybe you should see someone about it. i do it usually when i'm really tired or just having one of those days. but i gotta go soon so i can steal some cigarettes and go to sleep. good luck.

Re: Losing my sanity
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 11:22:34 2002 (#1482)

Yeah i seem to be doing stuff like that more often . Ohhh well mabey i am mad .most of the people i hang around with think its the drugz. He he.

Loads a love
She

Re: Losing my sanity
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Apr 5 15:27:26 2002 (#1497)

ive done that in the past but not as much now.....sorry havent got a clue what it is but at least you no yor not alone take care xxx

Re: Losing my sanity
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 5 15:52:37 2002 (#1501)

I've done that before. for me it seemed to be an obsession with hedgehogs, hell knows why. I don't have a clue why though! take care, love always, el x

MAGGIE!!
Posted by Nuni on Fri Apr 5 18:17:31 2002 (#1511)

MAGGIE!!
Oh my God, Dont torture yourself with that? Why is it odd or crazy to you that you ask it in New Zealand, when you use to ask me that all the time here. It is how are minds work. I am sorry you are having such a tough time at home. I wish I could be there with you, and then the stares would go to me. Don't feel bad. Try not to anyway. I will call you tomorrow night. 9pm my time 5pm Sunday on your side. Love you and miss you!!!

Losing my sanity
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Apr 6 13:56:36 2002 (#1533)

Hi, I do that ALL the time, I go through fases, Ive just come out of the Dingo fase so god knows what the next one will be. My friends think Im a freak any way, but I dont suppose it help matters...
Ella x

Re: Losing my sanity
Posted by Maggie on Sun Apr 7 08:34:07 2002 (#1573)

I wonder why we choose animals as our obsessions?
Perhaps animals are innately much nicer that people?

Re: Losing my sanity
Posted by eleanor on Sun Apr 7 19:50:49 2002 (#1585)

hell yeah. At least animals are always honest about their feelings

Re: Losing my sanity
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 21:23:22 2002 (#1595)

I lurv animals there so much kinder & forgiving then most people .
Love
She

Re: Losing my sanity
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Apr 8 11:04:35 2002 (#1624)

I have to agree, animals are honest, forgiving, loving and loyal.

burns?
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Apr 5 03:16:32 2002 (#1468)

hey guys. ok, so last night i burned for the first time and then realized that i had no idea what to do to take care of it and burns get infected really easily, so i was wondering if any of you guys knew what to do for minor burns?

Re: burns?
Posted by kae on Fri Apr 5 03:40:20 2002 (#1470)

I've done a few burns as well...theres proper info at the Secret Shame site on how to look after them. I didn't look after mine and I've got some ugly scar tissue now.

kae

Re: burns?
Posted by mego on Fri Apr 5 05:27:28 2002 (#1473)

AND THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!! beka beka beka...what am i gonna do with you bioch!! you said you were okay! jk, i dont really know dude. hmmm... i dont know. but tell me when things are bad, dont make them sound better than they are cause i luv ya and i wanna try and help you cause youre my sista and i gotta come visit you sometime. hows that gonna happen if you light yourself on fire? then your house will burn down and you'll be grounded forever.... arghh!! jk, but seriously. tell me. please!!

Re: burns?
Posted by Alana on Fri Apr 5 07:46:20 2002 (#1477)

Ahhh the burning...oh how long its been.
The first rule to burning is don't pop the blister...yes I know its inviting to fuck with your body some more, but popping the blister leaves a deep sunken in purple scar. It's really not pretty. To take care of a healing burn you must apply polysporin for at least the first couple days - have it lightly bandanged with gauze or whatever. After that, do whatever you please.

Take care.

Love, Alana

Re: burns?
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 13:32:03 2002 (#1485)

Umm i got this really nice cream stuff but i forgot what its called but it makes the burn really cool and nice ok ill go find out what its called in a min.
love ya all
Semi insane
She~she

Re: burns?
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Apr 6 13:53:08 2002 (#1532)

God I love burning its a lot more painful BUT the scars are ugly. Got them all over my wrist but I dont know what to do to make them heal. I burst all the blisters and it got infected so dont do that. Im sticking to cutting at the moment,
Luv Ella x

so confused
Posted by mego on Fri Apr 5 05:58:07 2002 (#1474)

arghh! i've had this guy fucking with my head for the past few weeks and its really getting to me. i never let guys bother me, i never let myself really fall for anyone cause i know i'll just get hurt. and thats whats happening now. today in the hall he attacked me and we were messin around and play fighting and shit and my hair got all in my face and we stopped and he brushed it back from my face and gave me the best freakin hug. it felt so good. i really really needed it and it wasn't like one of those quick little pussy hugs or those violent, too tight hugs that people always give out. he didn't talk to me all day after that. i dont know why the fuck hes doin this. i've gotten eight hours of sleep in the past two nights, i have no cigarettes, i'm grounded for a loong time, i really wanna be with some of the guys right now having a cigarette and just chillin cause they're so easy to get along with. if someones having a bad day, they'll do anything to make them laugh (like smearing dog shit on windows, not very mature, but its funny anyway). i dont know why i'm writing all this. i've been taking some kinda perscription pain medicine lately, i dont know where it came from, it was my grandpas, but he lives all the way in floirda. then i havent been eating much and i've been taking my diet pills and aderol i got from tim and its all kinda messin up my body but at least my head doesnt hurt so bad, and i stay awake a little better. then it wears off and i'm back to shit again. my eyes hurt and are all puffy, it looks like i just cried but its from not being able to sleep. i wish it was from crying, i cant cry either. i cant sleep, even when i think i'm really hungry, i take a couple bites of food and it makes me feel weird, like i cant swallow it or something. i keep thinking back to the old days and how much everyones changed and i can't even really smile now. like, if someone says something funny, i'll laugh, but i can't be straight and just smile cause i'm happy. i wanna do ecstacy so bad, as soon as i get enough money, i'm gonna buy a roll and just take it. its supposed to feel really good, and thats what i need right now. to just feel like i'm okay. and weed isn't really even doin that for me lately. like, i'll be happy for a while, but then when i'm comin down and i'm really thinking about things, its like "shit. this is life." and it sucks. why am i writing this? i'm babbling. god. i want so much to feel okay right now. just to know that things are gonna work out. its like, i'm a big girl, and i can make my own choices and take care of myself. but in another way, right now i feel like i need someone to take care of me. like, i cant do anything on my own sometimes i'll be getting dressed and i'll just stop and sit down on my bed and stare off, totally forget what i'm doing. i'll be in the shower and i'll just stand there. i keep forgetting things.i am confusing the shit outta myself right now. i need a cigarette so bad right now. i've had ONE all day and i feel like my fucking head is caving in. this is so much that i've written . but i'm just gonna keep going. i'm on a roll, why stop now? i'm listening to bush and its giving me a headache. they usually relax me. what the fuck is going on? i almost told tim the other night, about my cutting and shit. i was so close. i'm like "tim?" and he asked what and i was like "i'm gonna tell you something. but you have to promise not to get mad at me." he said he promised and he came and sat on the bed next to me. he looked really worried (hes always worried about me, and i never tell him anything. he always thinks i need to be taken care of. maybe hes right, i dont know). but i looked at him and the look on his face and i said "i'm really thirsty and i think you need to go get me some water right now" he laughed and said something along the line of "damn stoner! i thought something was really wrong. okay, lets go get some water" and pulled me off the bed and that was it. i just couldnt tell him. maybe its good, cause who knows what he would have done. i didnt even know what i'd say. i was just thinking about it and i thought i could maybe trust him with it. in a way i'm glad i didnt, because i have no idea what would have come out of it. he knows about my problems with my family, hes threatened to call the police. he told billy about it and now billy wants to come over and kick my dads ass. i dont want to cause any more problems. but i kinda wish i had, it would have felt so good to sit with someone and tell them all about it. i think. but maybe he'd yell at me. i dont know. not that it isnt good to post here, but to tell someone who i know and trust, and to be able to tell them in person. it just seems like it would feel good. shit. this is a lot of bitching and babbling. sorry. i just needed to try and sort things out. now that i'm done, i think i've just made it worse. shit.

Re: so confused
Posted by Crimson Fire on Fri Apr 5 06:14:12 2002 (#1475)

hey gurl you know what ben is a mothafucka and hes not worthy of you!!! youre a goddess!! i know what you mean by it would feel so much better to tell someone in person about whats going on with your dad and everything else, but i know this is stupid i really dont think you should...i donno you dont often realize what the responsibility is to tell someone and to have them know. like youll be having a bad day and youll NEEED to talk to someone and youll be like oh! so and so knows! ill go talk to them! and theyll say the wrong thing or something cause theyre kinda overwhelmed and it just gets worse. trust me i know how good it is to tell someone in person but it ALWAYS ALWAYS backfires. trust me.

Re: so confused
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 11:29:33 2002 (#1483)

I love you girl . Stay safe yeah?
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx XxXxX
she

Re: so confused
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Apr 5 15:19:16 2002 (#1493)

hey mego...u keep babbling gurl if it helps. dont bother bout ben, or your dad. fuck em. i can relate to your whole feel good if talk to someone in person. it does help. hey make sure your carefull with this whole ecstacy thing going on its not a safe thing to do....but then hell im a hypocrit so fucking ignore me! do what you want gurl if it makes you happy even for a lil while. xxx

Re: so confused
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 5 15:59:54 2002 (#1502)

I can only tell you what's happened in my experience, and that is telling someone always makes things worse. guys suck! the only time I ever let myself get close to someone he told me he loved me then moved to the other side of the country the next day, great huh? Just do what you have to do to make youself happy girl, and take care. I kinda need you around! :)

Re: so confused
Posted by gnimia on Sat Apr 6 13:59:24 2002 (#1535)

Hey! i know what you mean about wanting to tell someone. its not the same as writing about it on a message board. it almost makes it more real. you never know, the guy might be able to help, sounds like you are going thru a lot of shit by yourself tthats never easy. just be creful who you chosse to tell. try not to get burned (not literally, metaphorically!)

email or im me if you want xxxxx
gnimia

These fragile bodies of touch and taste
Posted by Alana on Fri Apr 5 08:17:43 2002 (#1478)

Why hello all...it's officially time for my weekly confusion rant.

My dad...well what can I say? He's an angry man. He has always had an angry side (very scary) but never has it been constant for 8 months straight. I've completely lost all love for my father this past year. He is cruel to my mother. She deserves so much more. Hell, I'll even admit that I deserve more at times. He snaps at me for nothing. He snapped at me tonight for humming a tune to a song he couldn't stand. What the fuck is that? I can't take who he is anymore. I need out. I need to go away. I hate my father for the person he has become. I feel absolutely nothing for him. I would be releaved if he left forever.

"To love is to wish good" - I do wish him well, just not with me.

I've been told that experiencing hell is the incapability to love another. I fear I can't love sometimes. I get so angry at myself that I can't see the love anymore. But when I do feel love, its life taking me by the hand and setting me free into a world full of miraculous acceptance. I'm really not a sad person anymore. I see what there is to live for now. Every once in awhile I get a taste of what it's like to be "ok". That taste, with everything that goes along with it, gives me hope. Hope that there are moments on this earth, strong connections, laughter, and complete love that I don't wanna miss. I can't miss my life. It was given to me. I love God enough to be grateful for the life he has challenged me with. He gave me this life for a reason - all the struggles and pain he placed - maybe I am a strong person. God believes that I can prevail...go on. GOD IS LOVE.

Depression. I've figured it out. I have revealed to myself that thinking is no longer a part of you when you're depressed. Merely thought against thought...just banging off eachother. Its no wonder I need it stop. I have all these thoughts that I can't process. Too many thoughts, not enough analyzing. Depression will get the best of me.

"These fragile bodies of touch and taste" - I don't know why I added this lyric. I think it's beautiful. Interpret as you seem fit...I just believe it sums up a shitload of feeling into one simple sentence.

It's strange how burns were the only injury I ever tended too. I've bandaged up cuts before, but that was mainly to stop the bleeding. Burns are different to me. Burning produces more pain...torture I deserve to be exposed to at all times. It takes time...concentration...a vision of what your outcome will reveal. All of her emotions horrifly scorched within her flesh consisting of merely five letters...S...H...A...M...E... !

Indifferent. How pleasant. I am indifferent. I've always wanted to be felt as indifferent to them. They could all care less. I am a stranger to them. They see me for who I was, and not for who I've grown to be. To love perfection would be easy - but to love imperfection...now that's a challenge...that has courage.

"You can find the love you need, if you just set your heart free" Goodnight my sweetlove. Thank you for leading me to the truth. It is time to leave me now, my heart hasn't enough room.

Thanks for listening.

Love, Alana *Slashes and Gashes* - my form of hugs and kisses.

Re: These fragile bodies of touch and taste
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 11:32:32 2002 (#1484)

You deserve waa better sweetie**
LOads a love she~she

Re: These fragile bodies of touch and taste
Posted by scared aka donna on Fri Apr 5 15:25:16 2002 (#1496)

hey gurl....i love reading yor ranting...it has meaning. take care xxx

Re: These fragile bodies of touch and taste
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 5 16:02:06 2002 (#1503)

my dad's like that. rant all you want honey, it's good to let it out. love always x x

Re: These fragile bodies of touch and taste
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Apr 6 13:49:51 2002 (#1531)

Hi
Maybe we have the same Dad, because that is exactly what my dad is like. Except I dont have to live with him any more. God I hate that bastard. Any way I think your rantings are the best! If you ever want to rant about your dad or your life you can email me,
Luv Ella x

Re: These fragile bodies of touch and taste
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 13:50:35 2002 (#1633)

hey, its a good way to think of things. i was kinda upset when i came on here, but now i feel better. it calmed me down. i'm sorry you've had such a hard time, but i'm really happy that you post here cause most of what you post makes sense to me, and i can relate to a a lot of that. keep posting, we love you!!

Me
Posted by Louise on Fri Apr 5 15:44:11 2002 (#1498)

I hate my life & I wish I was dead

Re: Me
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 5 16:02:45 2002 (#1504)

hell yeah, I can relate to that. x

Re: Me
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 16:06:00 2002 (#1505)

Good i know what you mean .
Love
she

Re: Me
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Apr 6 13:43:27 2002 (#1530)

Me too.

Re: Me
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Apr 6 19:22:33 2002 (#1544)

yep same here.....take care though yeah? love ya xxx

hello
Posted by Craig on Fri Apr 5 16:25:48 2002 (#1508)

Hello.

My name is Craig and I am currently researching the role of Internet discussion groups in providing support to people. As part of this research I am interested in how you feel about the relationship between your discussion group and your self-harm.

I would like to invite you to take part in this research study, by completing a web questionnaire. The questionnaire consists of both open and closed questions, which will be analysed statistically and descriptively. All data will be stored on computer, and all responses will be anonymous so that your own data cannot be personally identified.

All collected data is intended to be published in journal articles to describe the functions that self-harm discussion groups serve for their members. Our previous on-line research with self-harm discussion groups has recently been accepted for publication in the Journal of Mental Health, and Psychology, Health and Illness.

We shall be collecting data for a short period of time, and will provide feedback to the group when the research is complete. A draft report will be available by August 1st 2002, which we will make available on our website.

We would be grateful for as many people to participate as possible so that the findings may be as representative of the views of the members of the group.

I apologise in advance to anyone who considers this to be an inappropriate use of the forum. If you would like to discuss the questionnaire prior to participation then please e-mail me personally (murrayc@hope.ac.uk), or the research group (self-harm@hope.ac.uk).

Many thanks for taking the time to read this posting,

The questionnaire can be found at
http:/ /www.liv.ac.uk/~jezz/selfharmd iscussion/

Best Wishes,

Craig Murray
Lecturer in Psychology
Psychology
Liverpool Hope
L16 9JD
United Kingdom

Tel: +44 (0)151 291 3883
e-mail: murrayc@hope.ac.uk

Re: hello
Posted by Maggie on Sun Apr 7 13:07:48 2002 (#1575)

I also encourage everyone to participate in this questionnaire, because research is the only way that they'll get closer to finding ways to make things better for SIers.

Re: hello
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 21:39:23 2002 (#1602)

Its cool any ones interested.
Thankyou
She

Re: hello
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 13:52:16 2002 (#1634)

hey, its cool that youre here, but please dont put my name or e-mail address in any of this. i dont know if you would or if you could. i love these people here so much. they've helped me more than anyone ever could. just being able to have somewhere to go is great. thanks for looking at this.

Re: hello
Posted by Craig on Tue Apr 9 16:09:54 2002 (#1708)

Hi to everyone, and thanks for your messages of support. Just to clarify, I would not use anyone's real name, online pseudonym, or e-mail addresses in any research reports.

Best wishes, Craig.

i dont wanna go
Posted by She on Fri Apr 5 18:12:08 2002 (#1510)

Hiya
I have an appointment with my stupid pysiyatrist tomorrow its the fist time we have seen each other since i kinda o.d .
We n e way he rung me and he was questioning me going to a childs phsyciatric unit if i dont improve loads so i was wondering if n e one knew how i could act seane and normal.N E iders?
ohh well im gonna go out to a "friends" house now im dreading it .They are the peeps i used to get all my heroin of and its gonna be pritty tempting not to do n e thing there.But im gonna have to see them sooner or later .
well better go get ready i guess.
How is every one?
Loadsa love
She ~she

Re: i dont wanna go
Posted by Broken Girl on Fri Apr 5 19:41:11 2002 (#1513)

My next appointment with my psychiatrist is on Monday and I'm dreading it too, my friend rung last night from a psychiatric hospital, I can't believe they have put her in there. So I've lost any trust that I did have for my psychiatrist since that phone call.
As for the 'how to act normal' thing, what I usually do when I want to trick them into thinking I'm normal is go on about really normal things, like mood swings and feeling self conscious so they think its just hormones…
Hope you didn't give in to the people who used to get your heroin.

Re: i dont wanna go
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 15:10:21 2002 (#1583)

I went this morrning and everything seames to have gone ok .He was really nice to me (or the first time ever ) and hes gonna try to change my meication (again).
Love you loads
She~she

Re: i dont wanna go
Posted by eleanor on Fri Apr 5 20:21:45 2002 (#1516)

honey just talk to him the way you talk to me (ok without the igloos and penguins!) but you always seem sane to me. Look after yourself and write to me when you get back to let me know how you get on. I love you sweetie! x x x x x x

DONNA???DONNA????
Posted by CLAIRE on Fri Apr 5 20:45:49 2002 (#1517)

hey everyone!!im not a self injurer but ive been suspecting my friend for a while!! she wos in hospital recently but she insists it wos 'cos of her appendics! i didnt believe her but then, just yesterday,i found this address and i came on! i know i shouldnt have but im worried and im afraid that the girl who posted her name as DONNA is my friend-Donna Darcy!!Plz guys if it is her or if u are on here,Donna,just talk to me, i want to help!!if any of u guys hav advice on how i can help her, id luv it!! my heart goes out to ya'll! ur havin a hard time and i hope the best for ya!!! plz,plz reply if ur there donna!!

Re: DONNA???DONNA????
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Apr 6 02:56:34 2002 (#1522)

If you really want to help Donna, don't push her
into talking unless SHE wants to talk to you. Let
her know that you care for her and you're there if
she ever needs you, then be there for her. So many
people get turned off by what everyone here does
to themselves, but we have to realize that this is
how they deal with the pain in their lives and we
can't scream and yell at them. It won't do any
good. You would be surprised at how much they want
someone to listen to them and just give them a hug
to let them know that someone does care about them. I don't cut either, but my daughter did for
4 years. It's still hard for her every day, but
she is doing okay. If you want to email me or anything, please do. I'd be happy to talk to you
about how I've dealt with Tara's self-injury. In
the meantime, just let Donna know you want to help
if she will let you. Take care.
Love, Rhonda

Re: DONNA???DONNA????
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Apr 6 13:29:42 2002 (#1529)

Hi, wow. A concerned friend, I could do with one of those. I think the main thing is to listen. Thats why Im in therapy, if one of my friends had listened instead of turning thier back on me maybe I wouldnt need the councelling. Just listen and make sure she knows that there is a reason for her being here and to hang on in there. A hug or two probly wouldnt go amiss either! good luck,
Luv Ella x

who will save us?
Posted by lynnibear on Sat Apr 6 00:18:34 2002 (#1520)

kae hunnie- and everyone
i can tell you a million times over that you are worth something, but like me, you are probably closed to all of that. However ive been working with my therapist. we worked on spiritual stuff, like how i dont pray anymore for myself and stuff. so in session he asked me to pray, and i did. and i paused after like he asked me to.
and do you know who i met?
the holy spirit.
inside of ME- stupid, worthless me
me who i hate
me who i hurt.
i knew God, but he "abandoned me"- my words
i knew jesus, and he saved me
but who can save me when i am away from those two?
when i dont feel connected anymore?
the connection inside of ME. that physically cannot leave me.
and the holy spirit is the third part of God, who i never knew before.
he took all of that toxic crap out of me, and left me with peace.
it was a special moment, but i am still struggling- it isnt fixed.
its just more hopeful.

im a hazard to myself
dont let me get me
im my own worst enemy
its bout u and all urself
so irritating
dont wanna be my friend no more
i wanna be somebody else

Re: who will save us?
Posted by kae on Sun Apr 7 04:09:09 2002 (#1569)

hey girl

I'm not religious, I don't believe in a greater spirit or anything like that. To me, the whole God idea is dangerous...people get so caught up in their beliefs that it controls their everyday life. I know it helps a lot of people, but its not for me. I want to stay 'open-minded'...

But I'm glad you have found some kind of solace in God. Maybe we will all find our own solace.

By the way, the words to "Dont Let Me Get Me" go:

I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

luv, kae

today......
Posted by erica on Sat Apr 6 02:47:42 2002 (#1521)

I made a great leap. I met with my psychiatrist earlier this week. When I asked if I could be sent to a treatment facility she said that there wasn't one in our region, and it wasn't worth the financial cost to send me to another. Anyways I decided to come home for the wekend. Mom phoned the local mental health worker for the area where my parents live. He phoned a mental health facility in a neighboring region and asked about getting me in. Well the prospects look really good. I see a Dr. Owen on thursday. And I have to have a medical done. Plus the wait list is like a month or so long. There are 18 people waiting to get in. But I've decided to move home for the summer, basically when I'm done school. So I am excited. I will actually get the help I need for my cutting. But this worker is so awesome. He understands a lot about cutting. So I have made a verbal contract with him that I won't cut, but if I do, then it's not a huge deal. So I am excited. I just wanted to let you all know.
Does anyone have any experience with psychiatrical facilities? Thanx

erica:o)

poems
Posted by mego on Sat Apr 6 03:05:30 2002 (#1523)

hey, i dont know if ive posted any of these. they're a few from my notebook, i thought i'd post them for you guys if you felt like reading them. they might be triggering.

march 9, 2002

dirt and blood under my nails//nothing i can stand//i write this with a shake breath//and a shaking hand//candle light trys too hard to relax//but only makes me wonder//the wind blows hard outside my room//and i hear the silent thunder//i listen to music that i dont hear//my eyes play tricks on me//i try to block it all outta my head//but it pulls back so selfishly//time for something to make it better//my pretty silver savior//pick it up and stick it in//a perfect shiny razor//feel the blood drip and heal//it feels cool on my skin//clean it up and put it away//and start all over again

march 10, 2002

i can feel is rising up in my//this evil that is constantly//turning into a femon that grows and grows//all my secrets, my pain it knows//its tearing my up on the inside//i'm running out of places to hide//the cuts it makes drip and bleed//it controls everything i need//actions lead to reactions that are never my choice//i honly whisper when i raise my voice//the ugliness thats filled with pain//is the card i'm dealt in this game//nothing matters anymore//the rain in my head starts to pour//thoughts out of nowhere suddenly appear//and down my face runs a single tear//words that say everything jotted down//words that mean nothing and make me frown//the sky is of the depest black//like all the words i can't take back//repetition is the always and never the key//to unlock i distant memory//to make what was blind begin to see//to disrupt my precious sanctuary//burn the walls that close me in//as i burn in my black sin//everything ends when i begin//and starts over when i end again

march 11, 2002 (this page has blood all over it)

a feeling of nothing in the pit of my stomach//this is where my tears are made//a hiding place gives up a razor//this is where my memories fade//a time for my skin to split open and bleed//this is when i don't look back//a moment when for my head to hit the pillow//this is when life fades to black//a lifetime of floating into nowhere//this is my reality//a feep breath and i'm covered in blood//this is only me

march 12, 2002

as long as you cover things up//your life will be complete//half full or half empty is the cup?//answers in front of you so fiscreet//and upward smile or a downward frown//either cry or stupidly grin//world gets turned upside down//and its how every day begins//this hell to torture and torment//could be my heaven someday//a time to regret and to repent//this street only goes one way//so i drive recklessly at full speed//risking my life with every mile//i'll never know what i really need//or if i slow down after a while//crashing sound of metal and glass//as i finally hit rock bottom//i'm down again hard on my ass//with problems i thought i'd forgotten//now i'm crying too hard to move//and screaming at the top of my lungs//what the hell was i trying to probe//these years are supposed to be fun//so blind is he who has never felt pain//and he who has never looked back//idiotic is he who believes himself sane//for he is waiting for the attack//this ignorance seems to cling on me//for i am an idiot who cannot see

march 15, 2002

a drink to your happiness//ten more and its time to rest//cant even hold up my own head//pass out a foot away from the bed//a hit of that beautiful green//and nothing is as bad as it seemed//its worse now, this i know//a cigarette and its time to go//stay awake with a little blue pill//in a minute i wont sit still//whispers of nonsense in my ear//spinning room, nothing to fear//except the morning that will come too soon//i'll wake up in someones room//someone's vomit beside me on the floor//tonight i know i'll go back for more//cycle that goes round and round//until you find me cold and stiff on the ground

march 26, 2002

a girl makes an appointment//to feed her fathers disappointment//she must face his cold eyes//and the fact that he cant realise//her words freeze in her throat//she regrets not just writing a note//her feelings cannot be expressed//so they sit together in lonliness//intil a single word makes him snap//a single word she wouldn't take back//she wonders why he can't understand//and what feeds the anger behind his hand

march 31, 2002

someday i'll wash my hands clean//from these blood stains//someday you'll see what i mean//when youre driving me insane//someday you'll wake up cold in bed//and finally realize//wverything thats going through my mind//and something about my swollen eyes//your cant see right now this incubus//that has stolen my virginity//you will never know this colocos//that festers inside of me//but someday all of this determination//will get me ahead//i will not be condemned to this damnation//i am only half dead//someday these words on paper will fly//and with them i'll be gone//you'll be left here wondering why//and where everything went wrong

April 2, 2002(the page after this is completely covered in blood)

i'm sick of hiding behind locked doors//and always going back for more//all this false respect is done//i know i never won//all of this is making me so low//someday i'll just let go//my head is begining to drop//i want all of this to stop//nothing is okay it never was//i enjoy what the razor does//i enjoy the tearing skin//i enjoy the darkness of sin//i hate everything that goes on//i hate how the days are so long//i hate the lonliness i always feel//i know all this has to be real//so many things i have to hide//nobody in which i can confride//everyone screaming for me to stop//blood is in every tear drop//i'm alone in the candle light that always goes out//from behind my door i hear a shout//shaking with fear because of all this hate//see the life that i make//i want to just go away and not return//i've been living long enough isnt it time to learn?//theres the same lesson every single day//things will never work out my way//cold bare skin exposed to light//in the darkness of the night//none of this can be good//but i just keep it quiet like i should

a lot of these sound the same, i use a lot of the same words i use in all of them. they all sound the same. sorry, its like reading the same old shit over and over. but its me. it helps, so fuck the criticism. right?? i dont know. i'm talkin outta my ass again. sorry.

SORRY
Posted by mego on Sat Apr 6 03:06:58 2002 (#1524)

i fucked up on typing a few times, sorry. colocus is supposed to be colobus, and there are a few more, i just thought that was the only one that would confuse people

Re: SORRY
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 6 12:23:32 2002 (#1525)

they're all brilliant. i've said this a hundred times before but I love your writing. it really makes sense

Re: SORRY
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Apr 6 13:23:23 2002 (#1527)

Hi
I just want to say that I also think your poems are amazing, I wish I could write that well.
Love ella x

Re: SORRY
Posted by She on Sat Apr 6 13:28:30 2002 (#1528)

Hiya
I love you writting .Its amazing . You should bring out a book id be first in line to bye it .
Love you loads
She

Re: SORRY
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Apr 6 19:25:17 2002 (#1545)

i love your poems....keep writing girl!

Dead???
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Apr 6 13:59:09 2002 (#1534)

Help me!!! A large part of me appears to have died, my hope, ambition and love. I feel so angry all the time. Ive lost all my empathy. I feel death in my bones. I know this anger and cutting is going to win and I hate myself for it. I dont know what to do...

Re: Dead???
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 6 15:56:40 2002 (#1536)

the most vital part of me died a long time ago-hope. all I can say to you is keep fighting, I know how you feel and I wish i could take your pain away. If you want to talk then I'm here. love always x

Re: Dead???
Posted by She on Sat Apr 6 18:08:58 2002 (#1539)

i think my hope and spirit has been buerried deep a long time ago .
But theres gotta be a way we can dig them up huh?
love you loads
She

Re: Dead???
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Apr 6 19:42:15 2002 (#1549)

yeah i can relate to that hun. but you gotta be strong....you still here in person. you can beat that shitty anger and that shitty cutting. tell it all to fuck off coz you dont care!!! keep fighting xxx

Re: Dead???
Posted by Alana on Sat Apr 6 23:54:20 2002 (#1567)

Just keep on breathing. You'll find the answer.

Love, Alana

Re: Dead???
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 13:54:02 2002 (#1635)

dont let it win, we're here for you. stay with us cause we love you and we need you here. talk to me anytime you need to. i luv ya

giving up
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 6 16:38:59 2002 (#1537)

I was sitting smoking in my bedroom a while back and thinking. I was sitting with my back to the mirror and I turned round and blew out the smoke at the same time. my image in the mirror went all cloudy, and I realise that this is the story of my life. I'm not a whole person, I'm all blurred around the edges just like my reflection in that mirror. I can't deal with this anymore. I despise myself, my looks, who I am. hell, I'm not even that nice a person. I've got no hope. i might as well give up now. I love you all. bye x

Re: giving up
Posted by Erin on Sat Apr 6 17:21:08 2002 (#1538)

The worst thing you can ever do.. in my opinion is give up. theres nothing I can say that'll turn everything perfect or something...try to find something that will make you want to stop. for me, its my bf and I've gone 15 days without cutting and I feel a lot better about myself and I really think I'm getting better. you just have to realize this on your own somehow... hope you feel better ~Erin

Re: giving up
Posted by She on Sat Apr 6 18:18:29 2002 (#1540)

Ohh girl i love you . Your like my bestfriend sweetie .I know how much people on here care about you .You are THE nicest person i have ever talked to in my life.
I love you sweetie
She

Re: giving up
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Apr 6 19:28:29 2002 (#1546)

hi eleanor...sorry to hear your feeling down girly! just remember im always here to talk and remember that you mean a lot to me. you were there wen i 1st cane here and you were soo supportive...remember? anyways il never forget that n il always luv ya for it! keep fighting xxxx

Re: giving up
Posted by jennyfer on Sat Apr 6 22:32:02 2002 (#1564)

hay well yeah i know what u mean...i feel like that all the time...i hate myself i hate my face i hate my world i hate my ways...and i know i'm not ok...sometimes i feel like i'm just a waste of space...like i'm breathing air that someone who really has worth could be breathing...i hate myself and i wanna die...but i'm gonna tell you something that someone told me... "life may suck right now but if u just hang in there a little longer u'll see that everything's gonna be alright" i mean even in my darkest days of despair this seems like...i dunno...

Re: giving up
Posted by Erryn on Mon Apr 8 02:23:28 2002 (#1621)

hey girl dont give up yet i know life sucks and i cant tell you it will get better but we all care about you and want to help you if you need anything just ask take care xx Erryn

Re: giving up
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 13:57:43 2002 (#1636)

dude, i've felt like that so bad. i've even thought along that line while i was smoking in the car with tim, i looked in the mirror to fix my makeup and he blowed his smoke in my face and i watched my reflection fade and in a couple seconds the smoke cleared and i was back to me again. it kinda scared me, how things are like that. for a couple seconds, everything about me gets blurry and someone looking close enough might see it, then if they look back again, they'll see what they're used to seeing. so yeah, i know what youre saying. everyday my mom tells me i'm not a nice person, but i dont care cause at least im me. and you are a nice person, youre great dont let anybody else tell you anything different. you've helped me so much and i luv ya.

megan

To Eleanor
Posted by She on Sat Apr 6 18:24:42 2002 (#1541)

hiya

(((((((((((((((HUGE HUGZ))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((Another huge hug)))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((and another))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((Really big hug))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((cuddles) )))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((cuddles) )))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((and another))))))))))))))))
I love you girl (you know that yeah?)Please dont give up on things yet .Please let me know how you are .
You are the nicest person i have ever talked to and dont forget that yeah .
((((((((((((((((((((HUGZZZ)) ))))))))))))))))))))
I love you girl .
She~she

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 6 18:31:48 2002 (#1542)

I love you too sweetie! thank you. I was just feeling really down. Hell, I always seem to feel down at the moment, but I'll be ok. I just need to find a way to stop hurting. I don't know what I'd do without you hun, you know that? love you always and forever! El x x

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by She on Sat Apr 6 18:47:37 2002 (#1543)

I love you to birdy.
HOpe things get better soon huh.
Loads an loads an loads of love,hugs,penguins,purpul sofas,pools outside the igloo with a slide, handy chairs,fluffycolcks and ur best buddy.
She**

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 6 21:35:10 2002 (#1558)

Just you wait til we invent the polar bear repellent and water proof phones, we'll be so rich we can afford the best goddamn igloo the world has ever seen! Love you always and forever bubba, love, hugs and wooley jumpers, el x x x

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Apr 6 19:31:21 2002 (#1547)

hiya u 2....hell you talkin bout penguins n stuff now! geeesh.....im worried (HAHA) only joking.....erm hope ya both ok and to try and relate to u gus or be "normal" ( yeah right ha ha) then erm.....i luv ya more than jelly and icecream with a tender but sweet coating of pengiun soup coated iwth igloo shaped marshmellows!!

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 6 21:36:35 2002 (#1559)

we're perfectly sane aren't we she?! hope you're ok donna hun, love always, el x x

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 13:10:02 2002 (#1576)

Ohh god yeah
were like the sanest people on earth and in alaska. Were gonna be like the riches people to when out inventions get of the ground.
Nice to here from you donna.
Love you all loads
Perfectly sane
She

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by eleanor on Sun Apr 7 19:52:47 2002 (#1586)

yep, we'll remember you all when we're millionaires! Love to all x x

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by scared aka donna on Sun Apr 7 20:15:29 2002 (#1591)

geeeesh....you too and your babble!! love ya!!!

im perfectly sane peace and all that

donna xxx

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by eleanor on Sun Apr 7 20:21:33 2002 (#1594)

hey girl! I resent that comment, we do not babble!!!!!!!! hehe! Love, hugs and sanity, el x

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 21:27:00 2002 (#1596)

Umm yeah
Well urr

Umm go

Huh i thing

Well urmm
No we urr ummm dont babble
he he
Love you
she

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by eleanor on Sun Apr 7 21:53:40 2002 (#1604)

she's away with the fairys dreaming of icebergs.... ;)

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 22:53:01 2002 (#1609)

Hum yeah and the pool filled of champain.Hummmmm i like it and the bubbles they have pixies living in them and every time the bubble bursts on you we will have amazing happines.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i love you my Pola Queene
She~she

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by eleanor on Sun Apr 7 23:08:03 2002 (#1612)

we have the best dreams don't we? I'm so glad I met you my alaskan princess! I love you girl! El x x x

Re: To Eleanor
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 23:11:14 2002 (#1613)

Yeah
I love you to My pola Queene

complete loner
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Apr 6 19:40:17 2002 (#1548)

oh yeah and my friend replied! we went to town today....talked bout loadsa crap...hardly mentioned my depression....END of. she was cool bout it, now i have the harrowing task of letting school no.....yipeedoodah! dya know ive just realised that she is my only "real" friend! geesh thats pathetic isnt it? ah well who needs them......i can cope ok on my own thnayou very much.....oh he he yeah apart from the occasional, well more than occasional rant and rave on here!!
love you guys xxxx

Re: complete loner
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 6 21:27:10 2002 (#1553)

we're always here gal, you know that! i'm thinking of doing the same thing. Just don't know how to tell my parents.......

Re: complete loner
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 13:11:20 2002 (#1577)

He he ill do the same so we can move to alaskea sooner .
Dont worry donna i love you sweetie.
She

geeesh sorry
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Apr 6 19:48:42 2002 (#1550)

sorry if you think im invading the message board but i keep forgetting to add things to my msges and i soo need to vent here!! my folks are out so this is my only oppurtunity!!!

firstly....fuck everyone thats in my life at the moment....they dont know me really and cant veen begin to understand me!!! secondly if i dont cut or throw up soon im gunna go raving looney on you all!!!! damn you! jesus im soo fucking angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there we go i think that just about calmed me down! thankyou for your time...im now gunna cry if i can

Re: geeesh sorry
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Apr 6 20:02:31 2002 (#1551)

Hi, I'm always feeling angry, its really wearing me out, and its sort of ageing me if you know what I mean? You can email me if all the people in your life are fucking you off, I feel the same bout the people in mine. They can't understand, but they don't even try so that pisses me off even more…
You are so not invading the message board!
Love Ella x

Re: geeesh sorry
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 6 21:28:28 2002 (#1555)

love you hun! you know I feel the same x

Re: geeesh sorry
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 13:12:15 2002 (#1578)

((((((((((((((((((((((hugzzzzz z)))))))))))))))

Re: geeesh sorry
Posted by scared aka donna on Sun Apr 7 20:13:41 2002 (#1590)

HUGZ BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LUV YA!!!

Re: geeesh sorry
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 21:28:11 2002 (#1597)

I love you all . Lots an lots an lots an lots an lots an lots an lots an loads
She~she

Re: geeesh sorry
Posted by Erryn on Mon Apr 8 02:19:40 2002 (#1620)

hey i like reading your stuff so take up all the space you need love Erryn

Re: geeesh sorry
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 13:59:26 2002 (#1637)

dont be sorry. i do the same thing. i luv ya!!

I'm losing it!
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sat Apr 6 21:12:27 2002 (#1552)

Two days ago I came out of the "cutting closet" to my mom and she was realunderstanding. I had to, I thought I was going to kill myself. And even though I want to die, there's a part of me that will miss everybody. So I gave her all my razors and information to read about this condition. Well it's only been a day and I don't know how much longer I can withold. I don't think it's going to work.

Re: I'm losing it!
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 6 21:30:06 2002 (#1556)

keep fighting! we're here for you and we're all going through the same thing. talk more if you need to. el x x x

Re: I'm losing it!
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Apr 6 21:48:14 2002 (#1560)

hiya....you are NOT losing it and weldone girl....you are very brave!! im proud of ya....keep fighting xxxx

Re: I'm losing it!
Posted by Alana on Sat Apr 6 23:55:29 2002 (#1568)

Just give it time. Use your mum's support like crazy. I'm sorry I don't have much else to say about this...my parents were never really "understanding" about it all.

Love, Alana

Re: I'm losing it!
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 13:14:13 2002 (#1579)

Good luck with things
Dont give up were all here for you.
Loads a love she~she

Re: I'm losing it!
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Apr 7 22:52:54 2002 (#1608)

Go to your mom and tell her you need her help.
Since she was really understanding the first time,
I bet she'll do whatever she can to help you. I'm
so glad she is there for you. It makes me smile to hear of a parent who wants to help their child,
so lean on her for support. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care of yourself.
Love, RHonda

Re: I'm losing it!
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 14:02:40 2002 (#1638)

thats awesome, that she understood. i'm happy you told her, youre not crazy cause you knew you needed some help. you dont have to stop cutting right away, i dont think anyone could. just take it day by day, it sounds corny but hell, i dont care. it might work. just be careful, good luck!!

Re: I'm losing it!
Posted by gnimia on Mon Apr 8 17:13:14 2002 (#1642)

Hey. thats great that she didnt go thru the roof. try talking toherif you are finding things tough. it does help sometimes and shes probably sitting there wondering what the hell she can do tohelp you. youve gotsso far. dont gove up now!!!!

email me if you want. gnimia. xxx

hiya im new here!
Posted by icklestar on Sat Apr 6 21:28:28 2002 (#1554)

hiya all i 16 years old and wa looking for some friends in similar situations i have been cutting for about 3 years and finding very hard to live without

if anyone wants to chat just email or leave a message for me

love always me xxxx

ps: keep smiling :-)

Re: hiya im new here!
Posted by eleanor on Sat Apr 6 21:32:11 2002 (#1557)

hey sweetie! it's great to have you here! There are some lovely lovely people on here who would love to be friends with you. I'm 17 and have been cutting for two years. if you want to email me I'd love yo hear from you! Take care, el x x

Re: hiya im new here!
Posted by scared aka donna on Sat Apr 6 21:50:44 2002 (#1561)

hiya chuck. im 17 and have bin cutting for bout half a year now. it really helps coming on here to talk to people and it makes you realise for sure that we are not alone...even if sumitmes we think we are! take care. id give you my email adress but well ma n pa are reding my emails at the mo...so i cant xxxxxxxxxxx

Re: hiya im new here!
Posted by snoopy on Sun Apr 7 05:47:06 2002 (#1572)

hey there
ive not been long in this board either just a couple of weeks but its real good cause u can let all ur crazy thoughts out and no one really gives a dam
but hey my e mails
SarahGreig33@hotmail. com if u want to chat or write just do so im 20 by the way and have been cutting and burning only for a couple of years
take care
snoops

Re: hiya im new here!
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 13:16:48 2002 (#1580)

HELLO
How are you ?its cool that youve come on bord .
You can e mail me n e time .
Love you loads
She

Re: hiya im new here!
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Apr 7 22:50:06 2002 (#1607)

Welcome to the board. I hope you will find some
help here cause we all try to help each other. I
don't cut, but I will take the time to listen to
you if you ever want to. My daughter cuts, she
hasn't in a long time now, but that is why I
started coming here. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: hiya im new here!
Posted by Erryn on Mon Apr 8 02:17:21 2002 (#1619)

hi ya im 26 and have been cutting for 11 yrs if you ever need anything just write take care xx Erryn

Re: hiya im new here!
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Apr 8 11:47:07 2002 (#1631)

Hiya, I feel stupid and younge now cuz your all 17 and stuff, but Iam fourteen and have been cutting (and occaisonaly burning) for two years. Not that long i suppose, you can email me though! Love Ella x

Re: hiya im new here!
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 14:04:36 2002 (#1639)

awww... you sound sweet. i'll send you some mail if i have time and if i remember, my mind kinda wanders cause i'm a moron like that. i'm 15 (oh, shit!! i'm listening to bob marley! heres some good music right now!! one love.. hehe)well anyway, ummm... oh yeah, i've been cutting for a couple years now i guess. ummm... i'm babbling and sound like an idiot. but, yeah, i'll write to you!

suffering in silence
Posted by jennyfer on Sun Apr 7 04:50:10 2002 (#1570)

hay guys...i feel so alone...i don't think there's any hope for me...i hate myself i hate my face i hate my world i hate my ways...i don't think i'm ok...maybe there is something wrong with me...y is everything the way that it is?...i dunno today after waking up for about the fourth time i finally forced myself out of bed...i look in the mirror...what i see disturbs me...i don't see that little girl with potential who my people say i am...i see ugliness and inperfection...other girls my age r surrouned by friends and laughter i walk alone in the halls at skool wishing i could be them...wishing i could be anyone but me...it's tough being an outsider watching life as others live it...most days seems like less painful way to spend the hours than living...my dreams r my only escape...if i could i'd like to...i dunno...like what does it feel like to dance your way through a day or laugh outloud?...i worry that life will never be any differnt for me i sometimes wonder what the point is...of anything...i feel freakishly different...i need to cut...i cut just to bleed to know that i am still breathing...i don't cry when i'm hurt or upset insted i cut with every red beaded line i sigh in calm relief...i sometimes flirt with the idea of pressing the razor deeper into my wrist to make my whole world stop...but i dunno something always stops me...yeah well...just needed to spill out a little before my head exploded...didn't mean to ramble

Re: suffering in silence
Posted by snoopy on Sun Apr 7 05:44:27 2002 (#1571)

I know exactly how u feel, stuff all the people around u cause they all act as if u r invisible u cant exactly go up to some people and say hey want to see my scars i cut myself they would look at u and think u were real fucked up only people who cut understand what u r going through and hey u r not rambling on but try to look after urself
take care
snoops

Re: suffering in silence
Posted by kae on Sun Apr 7 11:45:01 2002 (#1574)

Hey girl...I know what you're feeling. I too used to be an outsider...in fact, I spent most of my life being an outsider because I never had the confidence to make new friends. Luckily, when I was 13 or so, some great people let me join their group....more because they felt sorry for me than anything else....and those people are now my best friends. Everyone will find their true friends, sooner or later. It may seem like its never going to happen, but it will.

I can't try and tell you what to do in order to make some friends...you could try joining a sports team or something, because people always bond that way.

Don't take it out on yourself...I know its hypercritical coming from me...any of us, really...but be careful. Have you thought about talking to a counsellor? Surely theres one at your school. It might help. :)

Let me know how you get on...
luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: suffering in silence
Posted by scared aka donna on Sun Apr 7 14:11:34 2002 (#1582)

no need for apoligies you go and ramble girl.....no need for sufering in silence either! take care xxxx

Re: suffering in silence
Posted by eleanor on Sun Apr 7 19:56:02 2002 (#1587)

People have acted like i'm invisibkle for so long that I'm beginning to wonder if I'm real. You'll never be invisible to us sweetheart. love always, el x x

Re: suffering in silence
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 21:29:59 2002 (#1598)

Yeah i can see you all . Your totaly visable .
LOve you all
Lots an lots
She

Re: suffering in silence
Posted by Erryn on Mon Apr 8 02:12:33 2002 (#1618)

I know it is hard to be yourself and be happy with that but for the last two weeks i have been someone im not, faking that i have stopped cutting but thats not me i wish i was someone else but im sure they have problems to sorry i cant help but take care and ill talk to you later xx Erryn

Re: suffering in silence
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Apr 8 11:43:10 2002 (#1630)

'I am invisible because they refuse to see me.'
I dont know who said that, I think I read it somewhere, but it is very very true. I feel different too. I have no friends, no life, no future. I feel like Iam a different race to them, as they laugh, jeer and insult me. Shout a little louder I say in my head, because they dont know I take pleasure in pain, just not the kind of pain they give me. I am ugly and disgusting, just looking at myself makes me feel sick, believe me, I dont think any one could look as bad as I do. But Im still here (admittedly I have tried to OD, hang myself & Slit my wrists) so there must be a reason. If you feel alone you can email me, maybe we're both aliens from the same planet who are studying the earthlings (especially the psycologists!) subconciously! Now theres a thought... Sorry now its me whos rambling!
Email me, love Ella x

Re: suffering in silence
Posted by gnimia on Mon Apr 8 17:30:28 2002 (#1646)

its from a book called the invisible man. fuck i forget who its by but its really really good. !. xxx

Re: suffering in silence
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 14:05:52 2002 (#1640)

keep posting here. i look around me all the time and wish to be someone else, but if i was i wouldnt know all of you, i wouldnt be anything.

HEY GUYS IM BACK!!
Posted by robyn on Sun Apr 7 19:30:36 2002 (#1584)

just wantede to say hey cause i'm back from my break... it was a nice break i went to the caribbean met a bunch of great people and forgot bout all my problems!! ttyl!!

~robyn girl

Re: HEY GUYS IM BACK!!
Posted by scared aka donna on Sun Apr 7 20:05:49 2002 (#1588)

hiya......you dont know me but hey....lgad you had a nice break....sounds good! take care xxx

Re: HEY GUYS IM BACK!!
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 21:30:54 2002 (#1599)

Hello
Cool was it hot?
love
She

Re: HEY GUYS IM BACK!!
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Apr 7 22:47:23 2002 (#1606)

I'm so glad you had a good time. Take care of yourself.
Love,Rhonda

Re: HEY GUYS IM BACK!!
Posted by Erryn on Mon Apr 8 02:09:25 2002 (#1617)

Hey im glad you had a really good time we all deserve it sometime take care and ill talk to you later xxErryn

Re: HEY GUYS IM BACK!!
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 23:23:23 2002 (#1673)

thats awesome

aaaaah.....tomorrow
Posted by scared aka donna on Sun Apr 7 20:12:34 2002 (#1589)

soooo.....tomorrows the day that i face all at the shitty prison (school) and let them know im leaving for good! you know what i find really funny about that......no1 will give a flying fuck! i mean sure ive got my best friend and thats fine but no1 else will give a shit! i mean yeah.....these people my so called friends havent said so much as a single word to me these pat few months like im psycho or something! but as soon as they hear im leaving theyll be all nicey nicey with secret ulterior motives....they just cant help being nosey...its in their genes. theyll wanna no why im departing from their shitty crowd! aaaarrgggh ill be telling them exactly what i think of them all too.

im soo nervous xxx

Re: aaaaah.....tomorrow
Posted by eleanor on Sun Apr 7 20:19:03 2002 (#1593)

I spoke to my only friend about leaving and she said she would support me in whatever was best for me. You go girl! Don't hold back, you've got to let the shits know that they can't treat people like that! Good luck!!! Love and support, el x x x

Re: aaaaah.....tomorrow
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 21:32:52 2002 (#1600)

Walk away from that prison with you face held high girl and dont look back ever yeah.
Ill be thinking of you ( im still on holls at the moment )
i love you sweetie
She~she

Re: aaaaah.....tomorrow
Posted by Erryn on Mon Apr 8 02:08:05 2002 (#1616)

Hey I know how you feel just act cool and if it was me i would probably tell off all my enemy not that im giving you any ideas but i hope everything goes okay take care of yourself and ill talk to you later xxErryn

Re: aaaaah.....tomorrow
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Apr 8 11:25:12 2002 (#1628)

You tell them! I wish I could leave the prison that I go to, but if I did I'de have to have a go at 99.9% of the school cuz they are all little shits! How did it go, details, details...
Love Ella x

Re: aaaaah.....tomorrow
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 23:24:48 2002 (#1674)

its monday, so i'm sure youve already been through school. i hope you had a good day.

Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by eleanor on Sun Apr 7 20:16:50 2002 (#1592)

Hey guys. I couldn't sleep last night, I was up until 5 this morning driving myself crazier than I already am, so in the end I gave up trying to sleep and started writing instead.
This is the first few pages of my book. A bestseller? Probably not, but hey it kept me from slashing myself to pieces so it was worth it.

Prologue
When I opened my eyes I saw the dazzling diamond studded beauty of the midnight sky as if for the first time. As I lifted myself up I took a deap breath, letting the cool night air arouse my senses. That breath created within me a sesation of light headedness, as sweet and smooth as a childs first mouthful of candyfloss which rolled across my tongue leaving a delicate aftertaste, like a promise of better things to come.
That night I kicked off my shoes and danced barefoot in the grass, my wild and spontaneous movement sending droplets of shimmering dew flying in all directions. For the first time in as long as i could remember the suffocating cloud of depression which had numbed my emotions was lifted. I felt alive again.
As I danced I lifted my arms to the darkened sky as if to embrace the world and all the galaxies that lay beyond its boundaries. The soft light of the moon caught itself on my skin, and i saw its rays illuminating the scars which littered my arms like the random, silvery threads of a broken spiders web.
I smiled to myself. In time I knew those scars would fade to almost nothing. But their purpose would always be with me, as vivid as the moment when the wounds were first inflicted. Those ugly marks made beautiful by the wonders of the night would serve as a constant reminder of who I was. A reminder that I had fought a long, hard battle against myself, and that I had won.

Congratulations to anyone who got to the end! Any comments would be gratefully received. Honest ones please, if you think its shite then please don't lie! Love to all, el x x

Re: Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 21:37:14 2002 (#1601)

I loved it sweetie pie it was really mystical. I really wanna know what happens later on in it .
Can i come to the opening party thingy?
I can see visions of our classy igloo getting classier every second .he he
I love you eleanor
She~she

Re: Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by eleanor on Sun Apr 7 21:50:52 2002 (#1603)

You'd better come, I'd be sooooooo upset if you didn't!!!!!!! You really don't wanna see me upset hun, it involves bad language, blood shed....it's not a pretty sight! lol! :)
Love you babe! love, hugs and cocoa with marshmallows and whipped cream on top (we'll need that to keep us warm in alaska!) x x x x

Re: Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 22:58:12 2002 (#1610)

I would never want to upset you so i promise i will come .
I love you pola queene**
Lots of love pola bear huggles I warm sofa and a blankeyt for us to cuch up by a fire with the coco and marsmallows and whipped cream.

Re: Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Apr 7 22:45:39 2002 (#1605)

All I can say is, OH WOW!!!!! Are you gonna keep
writing this story? I sure hope so. And if you
do, I want to come to the party. Please say
you're gonna keep writing. You have a way with
words that makes a person want to keep reading to
see what happens next. Not many people can do that. Take care honey!
Love,Rhonda

Re: Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by eleanor on Sun Apr 7 23:04:25 2002 (#1611)

yes I think I am going to keep writing it. Of course you can come to the party! I'd love to have my internet mom there by my side. :) Love el x x

Re: Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by She on Sun Apr 7 23:12:21 2002 (#1614)

Aww its like a big happy familly
Love you all
She

Re: Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by Erryn on Mon Apr 8 02:05:13 2002 (#1615)

Hey that is good just like Rhonda says i want to come to the party okay!!! keep doing good and take care. xxErryn

Re: Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Apr 8 11:22:05 2002 (#1627)

That is so good! Can I come to the party too? I promise to be sociable, please please please! I wish I could write that well, so when is the first chapter published?
Love Ella x

Re: Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Apr 8 19:20:36 2002 (#1649)

sheer brilliance xxx

go girl

Re: Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Apr 8 19:37:04 2002 (#1653)

p.s. invite to the party????!!!!!

Re: Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 23:22:43 2002 (#1672)

hell yeah bro. thats awesome. i want to feel that someday. keep writing

Re: Bestseller? yeah right!
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 09:04:48 2002 (#1700)

thanks, you can all come! :-)

crashing
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon Apr 8 07:37:23 2002 (#1622)

ive been getting so much better its incredible, seriously my family my friends and my teachers have all commented on how i seem to smile more and laugh more and i dont snap at people all the time and shit. but i was just talking to my best friend on the phone and she knows some of the stuff going on with me. well basically she just knows that i cut and that i see a psychiatrist and she doesnt even want to know more. and she was like yeah youre not fat you work out all the time! and i was like ha! thats just what i tell people i really dont work out its just that i have to go see so many drs and shit that i dont have time to work out and people ask questions about why im always gone so i tell them im working out. and then we started talking about when i had bitched her out a couple weeks ago and she was like yeah i understand you were realyl stressed out about everyone spreading rumors about you seeing a shrink and shit and i was like haha yeah that was the least of my troubles, and i kinda hinted i was really ready for her to ask me WHY i had been so depressed and why i cut like i was like "yeah my life has seriously been so incredibly terrible like you really dont know the half of what ive been through" and she was like yeah i understand starting highschool is so bad. and i was like no, ive been fucked up since i was born. like you dont understnad my family has PROBLEMS not just problems like "oh we dont eat dinner together cause my mom doesnt like to cook" but we have serious problems and my entire life ive been the perfect one who held the family together when everyone was falling to pieces and then when highschool started i had so many responsiblities outside of the house and so many things to deal with that i completely broke down, seriously you dont understand how badly ive been hurting these past couple of years. and then on the other end after i say this i was hoping she would say oh really?? why did your family have problems?? why were you hurting so bad?? instead there was just an immediate response of "oh i KNOW! i mean should i go to public school instead of stay at this school?? cause i mean beka, have you SEEN how bad my grades are? adn its been so hard!!! oh hehe i forgot my english hmk, see what i mean?!? i cant deal with this!!!" and she was dead serious and i was just like omg the people i care about the most dont give a FLYING FUCK about me. i quickly told her my parents were yelling at me to get off the phone hung up and for the first time in over a month grabbed my razor. i only did 5 cuts but it was such a big deal because i was trying to incredibly hard to get better and i feel like ive just completely failed myself.

Re: crashing
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Apr 8 11:17:46 2002 (#1626)

How can you have completely failed? A month? God, I went a week without and was proud of myself. Everyone has setbacks when they quit but that doesn't meen they have failed. God help me if it does.
As for your friends not understanding, mine dont ever if its any constalation to you. I tried to talk to Charlie about it and she was just like 'yeah, sometimes I feel depressed too, with the SATs and GCSEs coming up, its like so much pressure'. I didnt know what to say. When I meant I feel depressed I meant I cut my leg up so bad I almost faint and lock myself in my room and cry for hours. But then she changed the subject so I guess she just didnt want to know. But who cares what they think any way, theres 30 of us on the board and we all care about you. Be proud of yourself, I dont think I could go a month without my razor.
Love Ella x

Re: crashing
Posted by gnimia on Mon Apr 8 17:21:34 2002 (#1643)

sounds to me like your friend is all a little bit caught up in her own shit! someone said to me once that all problems are relative. that its hard tounderstand things from someone elses perspective cos you arent living their life. if you dont relaly know whats going on then its easy to be blase about it. i dunno.

but dont hate yourself for giving up giving up after a month. i was well proud of myself for about the same period of time for not doing it, even tho i found outr my bnoyfriend was a wanker,a nd then last night i spent the night in hospital getting stitches.

you have to lookj at it as a minor set back, niot the end of the world. you WILL get thru it. email me if you want. xxxxx

Re: crashing
Posted by Maggie on Mon Apr 8 18:41:19 2002 (#1647)

Don't let the insensitivity of other people distract you from being happy. Realise that even if she did question you on everything, she would never REALLY understand how those problems affect you and made you feel. Nobody will even know what it's like to be you, except you. To be honest, sharing my problems with friends has been a disappointing experience... some make judgements, others are patronising, and there are those who don't even make the effort to comfort you after you've poured out your heart to them. If your friend doesn't want to even probe your comments, it indicates that her response wouldn't be beneficial to you, if you had told her. Perhaps she isn't emotionally equipped to lend her support to you at this time...maybe she'll enquire later?
I bet this hasn't helped you at all... I am just trying to make the point that confiding in friends is often over-rated.
It sounds like you were doing great by yourself anyway... I hope that this hitch doesn't make a big dent in your drive for happiness.
Keep smiling!
Luv Maggie.

Re: crashing
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Apr 8 19:21:56 2002 (#1650)

you havent failed.....infact quite the opposite...welldone! dont put yourself down...keep fighting xxx

Re: crashing
Posted by She on Mon Apr 8 19:38:01 2002 (#1654)

Hay well done a month is a very long time .
LOads of love
She

Re: crashing
Posted by Erryn on Mon Apr 8 22:28:48 2002 (#1670)

Hey congrats on the month, you cant do it!!!!! dont sweat your friend i have one that doesnt care about me so lately i have been fucking her over!!! we all care about you and will listening and respond back, so take care and dont be so hard on yourself. xx Erryn

Re: crashing
Posted by Rhonda on Mon Apr 8 23:25:15 2002 (#1675)

You didn't fail, you went a whole month!!! That is
something to be proud of, I know I'm proud of you for going that long. No one here will think the
worst of you so I hope you don't get to down on
yourself. It's okay to be upset for a little while
but don't stay down to long. I'm here if you ever
want to talk. Take care of yourself sweetie.
Love, Rhonda

Re: crashing
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 23:31:32 2002 (#1676)

dude, fuck her. shes not worth being friends with if shes gonna be a bitch like that. you are so much better than that. i have friends like that too, they dont even care. i'm sure i've bitched enough about them, though. god... i'm glad youve been better dude, i really am cause i can talk to you more than i can talk to anyone about anything and i want you to be happy cause i luv ya sooo much. and where the hell are you?? not on the computer.... hmmm.... BEKA, COME BACK!!! i luv ya and write to me and tell me about everything cause you always listen to me bitch, and you hardly ever complain. i luv ya so much, write to me.

Re: crashing
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 17:35:36 2002 (#1709)

a month is a long time, i know i wouldn't be able to do it. keep going girl, love ya loads! el xxxxxxxxxx

dam psychiatric staff
Posted by snoopy on Mon Apr 8 10:26:17 2002 (#1623)

well hey guys
just thought i would write to let some steam off.
i had an appointment today with my psychologist and dam i hate in when they know u too well and can read u like a brick and when u try to bullshit them it never works. well ive decided i need to try different stratergys but do any of u guys find people know u when u try to bullshit them especially when u r trying to bullshit psychologists and psychiatrists anyone have any tips for hiding things.
cheers
snoops

Re: dam psychiatric staff
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Apr 8 11:07:57 2002 (#1625)

Poor you, luckily I have a new psycologist and she can't tell when Im bullshitting. But my last one could and that really pissed me off. I used to be able to hide things and bottle them up relly well but I cant seem to do that any more, which is annoying. Sorry Im just rambling things you didn't want to know,
Ella x

Re: dam psychiatric staff
Posted by gnimia on Mon Apr 8 17:23:23 2002 (#1644)

to be totally honest,a nd maybe a bit brutal, whats the point in going if all you are going io do is bullshit them. they cant help you that way. i know its hard. i dunno, maybe im just on an honesty trip at the moment. sorry ignore me.

take care. xxxxx

Re: dam psychiatric staff
Posted by She on Mon Apr 8 19:40:18 2002 (#1655)

Aww that sux mine is so dull i dont think he would realise if i choped a leg of .
XXXX

Re: dam psychiatric staff
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Apr 9 01:43:21 2002 (#1686)

hey gurl i hate that when they can tell whatre youre really thinking and shit. usually ill be pretty honest with them for a couple days like 2 and then everything they say ill just be like "i donno...i dont remember" and so i have a rep at like all the psychiatric facilities as being extremely hard to get information out of. ive even had people decline therapy to me cause i dont give up if i dont want to talk about something. i dont know if that helps. but its not that hard to just refuse to talk about something and if you say it with the exact same tone and distant expression i havent met a psych. yet who can tell what im thinking when i do that.

Re: dam psychiatric staff
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 17:37:58 2002 (#1710)

my psych is crap and doesn't have a clue about me. I could tell her that i'm an astronaut and my dad's a chimpanzee and she'd probably believe me. lol! love always, el