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Threads 426 to 450

Lifes a bitch
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Apr 8 11:30:39 2002 (#1629)

Hi everybody
I really dont seel the point in stopping any more. In fact I think it would be dangerous to stop, with out that coping mechanism what would I do? Last time I quit I ended up walking out of my english lesson and punching a wall! It aint good... Without the cutting, where would all the anger go? When my parents go back to court Ive got to get a release somehow. And its back to school tomorrow and the bullying will commence again. So even if I did quit I would still be angry, so I guess Im just trapped.

And so am I
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Apr 8 12:05:14 2002 (#1632)

Hi
There are some things I reall want to say but fogot.
Why is it that when my parents got divorced and there was arguing, and shouting and crying and Dad was kicking Mum in the shins and shit, I sort of went numb and didnt feel any thing but now, 5yrs later its all coming back. All the shit that I should have felt has been delayed and I feel it now?!!
THIS IS SHIT!!! I hate the bastard. He walked out on us and now he's taking us to court even thougth we dont even have enougth money for a lawyer. He wants me to see him. What the hell? I hate him and he just dont get it. He used to go out and get drunk every night.
My mum told me the other day that the reason she stayed with him was that she just kept hoping one day he would wake up a bit and realise how lucky he was, she hoped maybe one day he would stop loving himself so much and love us instead.
School tomorrow, I hate that place, it make me so paranoid cuz I know they all hate me. They all talk about me and spread rhumers and stuff. Which is the last thing I need.
F*ck it Im so angry at the moment.
Sorry
I'm rambling
Love Ella x

Re: And so am I
Posted by Rhonda on Mon Apr 8 23:35:50 2002 (#1678)

That's okay Ella, everyone is allowed to be a bitch once in a while, ask my kids and husband!
I'm so sorry about your dad acting like that.
Personally, to me, he's acting like a spoiled brat
who wants his way no matter what the results will
be. If he was truly thinking about your feelings,
he wouldn't be dragging up all this court stuff.
But like I said, some adults are not known for
acting like adults. As far as school goes, my youngest knows how that feels. She gets made fun of alot cause she has seizures. Some of the popular kids seem to think that is something to
laugh about, but if they could ever see her have
a seizure, I think they would see how terrifing
it really is to witness. Tasha has a very strong
personality and her own little circle of friends
who stay by her no matter what. Makes me wish everyone could have a few friends that cared. I
pray that one day things will go better for you.
I'd love to beat some kids up for you, but I know
that wouldn't work so here's a great big
((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))) ))))))))))))))))))))
to take to school with you. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: Lifes a bitch
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Apr 8 19:23:37 2002 (#1651)

only stop if you wnt too. you have to want to stop before actually going through the shitty task of stopping. good luck either way xxx

Re: Lifes a bitch
Posted by She on Mon Apr 8 19:43:21 2002 (#1656)

I know how you feel.
I dont think its time for me to give up si yet.Id be in a bit of a mess without it.
Love you
She

Re: Lifes a bitch
Posted by Erryn on Mon Apr 8 22:38:00 2002 (#1671)

hey i feel the same way im not ready to give it up although everyone that is helping me thinks i am im scared without it, sorry i couldnt help you but i know how you feel. take care xxErryn

Re: Lifes a bitch
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 17:40:02 2002 (#1711)

I know waht you mean. I'd be even more of a wreck if I didn't cut. love ya girl! will email you back in a bit btw! x x

Chocolate Buttons
Posted by Maggie on Mon Apr 8 15:02:04 2002 (#1641)

I'm eating chocolate buttons and drinking energy drinks to keep my mind stimulated as I burn the midnight oil writing a boring review. Why do I procrastinate so much?...I diagnose myself with a new disorder called SAD (Study Aversion Disorder).
It's lonely staying up all night...at least I have my chocolate buttons. Except that they look like breasts, and I hate breasts. Do breasts bruise? I have a nice bruise on my chest where I thumped it with a rolling pin yesterday. I woke up each time I rolled over the bruise in my sleep last night... it was good, the dull 'pain' was welcomed. I think thumping breasts would hurt too much though.
Self-injury is poignant, bitter-sweet... I fear pain yet I find comfort in it... further testimony to my ironic existance.

Re: Chocolate Buttons
Posted by gnimia on Mon Apr 8 17:24:58 2002 (#1645)

i love chocolate buttons too. that was the only good thing about easter :)

gnimia xxxxx

Re: Chocolate Buttons
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Apr 8 19:24:50 2002 (#1652)

yep i can relate....."fear pain yet find comfort in it"......totally true xxx

Re: Chocolate Buttons
Posted by She on Mon Apr 8 19:44:57 2002 (#1657)

yeah so can i
Ladsa love
She

Re: Chocolate Buttons
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 17:41:22 2002 (#1712)

chocolate buttons and si. I don't know where my life would be without them. x

time out
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Apr 8 19:19:13 2002 (#1648)

i give up

Re: time out
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Apr 8 19:45:36 2002 (#1658)

actually take that back....was crying at the time.....i DO NOT give up!

positive thinking

Re: time out
Posted by Rhonda on Mon Apr 8 23:37:57 2002 (#1681)

Don't ever give up. It's okay to cry and rant and rave, but don't ever give up. You're worth so
much weither you believe it or not. I believe it!!
Take care honey.
Love, RHonda

Re: time out
Posted by She on Mon Apr 8 19:46:02 2002 (#1659)

I love you donna
Keep in touch
She~she

Re: time out
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Apr 8 19:52:18 2002 (#1661)

hee hee hee hee i love you too....sorry bout before i sgnd mesen off...oopopoppps !!! anyways dya fanci a celebratry drink eith me....ahh go on go on go on go on!!!!

drink away all the crap...get pissed ....its sooo fun ha ha ha it makes me cry cry cry cryc ry like i wanna go faster

love ya xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xx bye de bye

Re: time out
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Apr 8 19:50:43 2002 (#1660)

Me too. But you are not a loud to give up, cuz I have decided! You went a whole month girl! So next time you feel the urge you are to email me instead (though I would like to state at this point in time that I can not be as therapeutic or relaxing as cutting, but I can try!) I think I might try to quit but I don't know if I have it in me, but you went for a month! Sorry I'm making such a big deal, Ive just realised Im sounding like my mother…. Agggggh!

Re: time out
Posted by scared aka donna on Mon Apr 8 19:54:23 2002 (#1662)

helllllloooooooooooooooooooooo oooo....thanyou for oyur suport.......me give up never!!!! he he ehe he ehheee!!!!!!! im too sane for that!!!

Re: time out
Posted by She on Mon Apr 8 20:13:27 2002 (#1663)

Hello
ive just found this really cool pen well not really a pen but mor of a pen shaped stick.
But its really cool
so i thourght id get you all one.
pen thingys pen thingys and more pen thingys
love you she

Re: time out
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Apr 8 20:38:14 2002 (#1664)

Wow, I want a pen shaped stick, market them and make a million !

Re: time out
Posted by She on Mon Apr 8 21:20:59 2002 (#1666)

lol yeah i should .
I could be the next Richard Branson.
She**

Re: time out
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 23:35:34 2002 (#1677)

stay here

Re: time out
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 17:44:07 2002 (#1713)

you'd so better not give up girly! and she, wow another finding to make our millions. think of the igloo......aaaaaaaah! love you all x x

stretched
Posted by cindy on Mon Apr 8 20:54:15 2002 (#1665)

I feel like an elastic band. I get stretched and stretched beyond belief until I finally spring back into position. and that position is an unfortunate mess of depression and pain and I hate it. and I can feel myself beginning to be stretched agian right now.

It's so stupid. I can sense it coming yet I know there is nothing on this earth I can do about it. I haven't cut myself for probably a month now-I wasn't even really thinking about it til the past few days when the same old thought started rushing through my head again.

oh well I guess I better accept another wave of blackness is coming my way-I sound so pathetic...

take care everyone.

cindy
xox

"I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired"

Re: stretched
Posted by She on Mon Apr 8 21:23:01 2002 (#1667)

Hiya
YOu dont sound perthetic at all.
Try not to streach yourself to far yeah?A month without cutting is a very long time well done swetie.
Loads a love
She

Re: stretched
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 23:37:00 2002 (#1679)

yeah, im like that too. it sucks

a short thingy
Posted by She on Mon Apr 8 21:47:34 2002 (#1668)

Some of us can fly so high,
Sooner or later we crash and die,

The sun fell down,
The world went black,
What will ever bring us back
Loads a love
She~she

Re: a short thingy *NM*
Posted by J on Mon Apr 8 22:05:29 2002 (#1669)

Re: a short thingy
Posted by mego on Mon Apr 8 23:37:49 2002 (#1680)

hey, i like that one. its simple, i can totally relate to it but it doesnt make me think too much. keep writing!!

Re: a short thingy
Posted by She on Mon Apr 8 23:44:59 2002 (#1682)

Yeah i dont like things i have to think too much about most of the time my brains pritty small although i gess its good to think about stuff yeah i quite like it ok nevermind im a pisies im really indersisive .
Well i gess it can be good to think about things but sometimes its better not to.
Urrrm
Well yeah .
Loads a love
She

Re: a short thingy
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 17:46:49 2002 (#1714)

Hey baba! Wow, I never knew you had such talent! I might steal it for my book if you promise not to sue me! I'm gonna have a you character in it, what do you wanna be calld? love you tonnes! x x

Re: a short thingy
Posted by She on Tue Apr 9 18:54:05 2002 (#1723)

Hello
He he you really want it ? Ok i promise not to sue .he he you sure you want it ?its not v good but yeah if you want it you can have it lol.
Ohh cool your gonna have a me in it he he i've never been in a book befor .I dont mind you call me ,anything apart from She i mean what kinda names is it? where did that name come from n e way ?? dunno i'll ask my mother . I dunno what about Penguin nah you make one up for me .
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) ))))))))))
see you soon
She

Re: a short thingy
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 20:05:55 2002 (#1724)

yep I really want it! ok names......how about Kari, Alana, Anya, Talia, Genavieve???? love you sweetheart! x

Re: a short thingy
Posted by She on Thu Apr 11 16:50:10 2002 (#1811)

He He
I really dont mind there alllovley names sweeetie pie .Choose one for me.
love n stuff.
She

Re: a short thingy
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 11 17:04:10 2002 (#1812)

well i think it's either gonna be anya or talia. I'll let you know when I decide! love me x x x

I hate this(a rant)
Posted by erica on Tue Apr 9 01:12:19 2002 (#1683)

Aurgh.
When I saw my new therapist on friday I promised him I would try not cut. He said he understood if I did, but he wanted me to really try not cut. See we're trying to get me so when I (*fingers crossed*) get into the treatment facility I can go without cutting.
But anyways I can feel the tension building inside already. And if it's building already I can just imagine what it will be like this evening. I hate this. I hate feeling like I have to cut. I am so through with this cutting business. The only problem is that I still feel I have to cut. I don't want to feel this way. AURGH. Why won't it stop. I just want all the stuff to stop. I want to know what is wrong with me.

erica

Re: I hate this(a rant)
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 9 01:33:55 2002 (#1684)

i feel the same, good luck

i need help!
Posted by Erryn on Tue Apr 9 01:36:11 2002 (#1685)

Hey is anyone out there? Im feeling like i need to cut, but im scared to, everyone keeps telling me my kids will see this and they will start to do it or think its okay and then i have a new boyfriend and he thinks that my cat did the scratches and the deeper ones are from work i have gone almost a month but i miss it urghhhhhhhhhh i feel so worthless and helpless and i just want to go away from here help!!! xxxErryn

Re: i need help!
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 9 01:51:35 2002 (#1687)

i'm here. talk to me man

Re: i need help!
Posted by Erryn on Tue Apr 9 01:59:14 2002 (#1688)

hey are you still there? ont want to disappoint anyone but im sick of disappointing myself i dont know what to do everyone makes fun and jokes about my arms, but i love my kids to death i am lost xxErryn

Re: i need help!
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 9 02:32:24 2002 (#1690)

sorry, had to get off for a couple minutes. i know you love your kids, we all do. people just dont understand. i dont know why. do you have msn messanger or aim or anything?

Re: i need help!
Posted by Erryn on Tue Apr 9 02:39:10 2002 (#1691)

no im not that computer intelligent thanks for helping me but i have to run and talk to work ill return in a little while, thank you so much xxxErryn

Re: i need help!
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 17:47:55 2002 (#1715)

I love you honey!

help me please...
Posted by jennyfer on Tue Apr 9 02:02:14 2002 (#1689)

hay guys...another day inside my world...i feel like shit...man...i am sooooo unbelievably ashamed of myself...ok...i haven't cut myself in a week and 2 days (i was counting to see how long i could go)and then last night i cut my arms like over a hundred times...god i feel like shit...i mean and nothing happened i just...cut and i cut and i cut...it felt soooo good...and i know it sounds kinda sic but it did...i guess it's cuz i've been hurt by so many people and now i hurt myself...only i dunno...i think my parents love the way i hurt myself to get back at them...but i'm not trying to get back at anyone...i'm just trying to understand my feelings...but...no one can see that...i dunno...how much longer cani cut away at myself?...i dunno everytime i see myself there's always something wrong with me...maybe...i dunno...do u guys think i need help? :::sighs::: i don't know what to do anymore...help me...please....

Re: help me please...
Posted by lostchild on Tue Apr 9 04:10:01 2002 (#1693)

im sorry, i cant help you
if i could i would
but i am not going to be around after tonite
im sorry.
maybe ill see you
in heaven.
im sorry you are goin through so much.
i just wish i knew what to say

i feel lost here~everywhere~goodbye
Posted by lostchild on Tue Apr 9 04:07:09 2002 (#1692)

i feel lost in this forum
there are so many other people in need
i dont feel like i can really belong here.

i was really thinkin maybeill kill myself
itll save all of this pain.
i dont want to live anymore
every day is a blur
i dont know if anyone can understand the extent of my pain
i just want the spinning to stop.

i hope anyone whos out there finds what they are looking for.
i havent.
goodbye.

Re: i feel lost here~everywhere~goodbye
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 9 04:38:58 2002 (#1694)

dont go, we want you here so bad. you've helped us out with so much. please, dont end everything just like this. things could really get better. please, dont do this. we love you so much.

Re: i feel lost here~everywhere~goodbye
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Apr 9 05:05:35 2002 (#1696)

you cant go like this! we need you too much here. we really do. just reading your posts and responses help me so much and i dont know what i would do if you were gone! please dont give up.

Re: i feel lost here~everywhere~goodbye
Posted by She on Tue Apr 9 15:01:18 2002 (#1704)

DONT GO!!!
Plaese dont go .Your really speciall to this board youve helped us all out loads .Please stay.
i Love you loads
She

Re: i feel lost here~everywhere~goodbye
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 17:49:09 2002 (#1716)

Please don't go! we all love you and value you so much! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: i feel lost here~everywhere~goodbye
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Apr 10 00:51:15 2002 (#1746)

If you need to take some time, that's okay. Just
don't leave forever.We're all here for you. Email
me if you want to talk. Take care of yourself.
Love,Rhonda

stabbed in the front
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 9 04:47:56 2002 (#1695)

me and my mom were talking about cutters. i didnt come out and say i cut, but she knows. she knows i used to, she goes through my shit, theres no way she couldnt know. she knows i hide it from everyone, she knows that shes not supposed to know, but still she said that people who cut are only looking for attention. and if they weren't why would they do it, and that it couldnt feel good. she'll never know. i was gonna tell her about it, i was thinking of asking her to even get me help cause ive felt so shitty lately. fuck that.

look into my eyes when you talk to me//i'm sick of all this hypocricy//all these stories these stupid lies//everyday one of us dies//you say its all for attention//what if its never mentioned//this silent battle that we all fight//the tears we bleed when we cry at night//how is it attention when we're all alone//feeling unwanted in our own homes//how are we stupid and fake//you think we enjoy this pain we've made//purple imperfections across our flesh//how is this being selfish//we keep it hidden its up to us//we have forgotten how to trust//you say these things about the way we cope//you took away my last breath of hope//i thought i might not have to hide//but you crushed me and didnt even realize//you were talking to one of these maniacs//at least i was stabbed in the front instead of the back

Re: stabbed in the front
Posted by Crimson Fire on Tue Apr 9 05:08:47 2002 (#1697)

mego dude i loved the poem. seriously that one was perfect. it should be like the cutters anthem. im dead serious. i was going to go back in the bathroom and cut again cause it feels so damn good but i dont think i will now. i just wanted to tell you how much i love you gurl!!! seriously i dont know where i would be if i hadnt found you. youre like my guardian angel if i believed in them!! haha. but seriously BRO (hehe) i love you to death so dont go anywhere k???

Re: stabbed in the front
Posted by Maggie on Tue Apr 9 06:15:50 2002 (#1698)

Wow that was incredible... I agree it should be the cutters anthem. I think most of us could relate to those words. The last line was the best...

Luv and Hugs,
Maggie

Re: stabbed in the front
Posted by Star (amz ) on Tue Apr 9 10:42:30 2002 (#1701)

WOW that was amazing! i dont SI but i have friends who do and i think that poem probably said exactly what they have been trying to get through to me in the last year or so...thanks it was mind-blowing.
Amz x

Re: stabbed in the front
Posted by She on Tue Apr 9 15:04:24 2002 (#1705)

Hell yeah good girl your so good.
It shold be the cutters amthom an we shold have like a cute little flag to.
Loads a love
She

Re: stabbed in the front
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 17:51:24 2002 (#1717)

you've done it again honey! thanks for what you said before by the way in my giving up post. Luv ya sweetie, don't you forget it! I'll mail you later. x

life sux
Posted by snoopy on Tue Apr 9 07:52:44 2002 (#1699)

im writing to get this all out of my system cause no one else can listen to me rave about a heap of shit i so want to die its not funny
i want to hang myself but im so dam buggered i dont know if i can i also want to gas myself but hey i bet u i would not have the guts to go through it cause im so dumb and fat and all the rest at least hitiing myself with a hammer slightly helps but i so need more god life sux

Re: life sux
Posted by She on Tue Apr 9 15:06:30 2002 (#1706)

Hiya
I love you sweetie Youve helped us all loads .
Please dont do n e thing .
Keep in touch .
((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))) ))))))))))))))))))
love
She

Re: life sux
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 17:52:46 2002 (#1718)

yeah life sux, so do most people but you're not one of them. the world needs more people like you, not less so keep fighting. love ya, el x x

Re: life sux
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 9 23:31:05 2002 (#1731)

dont kill yourself, we need you here with us.

the truth
Posted by kae on Tue Apr 9 12:47:14 2002 (#1702)

I think its finally hit me...I bring this all on myself. I MAKE myself feel bad. I MAKE my life miserable.
I wallow in self-pity. I'm pathetic. I always feared that was the case, now I know it for sure. My friends have told me thats the case. Tonight one of them said to me 'you are consumed by your feelings and your cutting'. I hate to admit it, but she is right.
Feeling sorry for myself is something I seem to do very well.
I've become a horrible, self-centered person. I even get angry at my best friend, who has been through pure hell in the last year. I hate how she is trying to copy my SI habit. What does that say about me? I think about nothing but my SI habit...I need it to show that I feel pain and have problems too. Fucking hell, I hate hearing myself say this but its true. I am completely pathetic...I hate me. I whine too much.
I started cutting out of anger. Now I seem to cut just to prolong the image I have shaped for myself...I don't want to stop because I would be failing my image. Nobody would care for me anymore, nobody would ask if I was okay.
See...I'm just an attention-seeker. I'm weak and pathetic. There is hell in the world but I just sit and moan about it. I MAKE everything even worse, not just for myself but for everyone...and god knows that Life does NOT need to be any worse.

Fuck....I've wrapped myself so tightly in my own miserable thoughts that I can't seem to get out now. I hate me.

FUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK K.

kae

Re: the truth
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 17:54:13 2002 (#1719)

you're a sweetheart. don't hate yourself, I know that's hyppocritical com ing from me, but hey. I love ya! el x x

Re: the truth
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 9 23:38:08 2002 (#1732)

hey, none of us hate you, you help us, stay here with us.

Re: the truth
Posted by snoopy on Wed Apr 10 05:31:25 2002 (#1761)

it is so not just ur fault u cut everybody reacts differently to different situations u r so not self absorbed i have chatted to u a few times and u sound to me like u allways care well u have especially to me and u probably dont even know it
keep ur chin up well try to u know what i mean
snoops

xxxxxxx
Posted by scared aka donna on Tue Apr 9 12:54:52 2002 (#1703)

i need a lil time to think bout what the fucks happening here. i dont understand it........im lost in my own world of thoughts nad i feel it only fair if i stay away from here for a while because my thouhgts make no sense. i make no sense. keep fighting everyone, youre all brave xxx

Re: xxxxxxx
Posted by She on Tue Apr 9 15:09:05 2002 (#1707)

I love you princess.
Stay in touch with me please .Dont worry about not making sceanc you do you make so much seance its unbelivable .
Dont go
I love you
She

Re: xxxxxxx
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 17:55:32 2002 (#1720)

I love you as well! look after yourself darling. stay in touch, I'd miss you too much if you didn't. Love me x

Re: xxxxxxx
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 9 23:46:23 2002 (#1733)

come back soon, we'll miss you. dont feel obligated to leave, we all want you here, we dont make sense either, but babbling helps. stay if you'd feel better. luv ya!

Yesterday
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 18:15:54 2002 (#1721)

yesterday I went back to school. I felt shit already cause of my meds and hassle at home and when I got there I just broke down. People can be so cruel. I felt so hated, people staring at me and making comments as soon as I wlked in. i didn't need it. I've never been as low as I am now and I've been pretty damn low before.
well I stayed for 2 lessons then I came home. I was like a zombie, like theyd drained all my emotions and left me with nothing. I sat for two hours and then I got out a bottle of sleeping pills and my razor blade. I was really going to do it this time. I figured if it didn't work one way then the other way would get me. Then something clicked in my head. I thought about you guys and what you all said about my writing, how it was really good. I also thought about how much I love you all. I don't want that to be taken away. My book and you are the only things I have to cling to. I didn't want to let you down.
So I'm still alive. I hurt so much inside, it's like the pain is burning a hole in my soul. But at least I'm still here.
I left school today. I'm going to start back in september, but by then the people who are killing me will have gone. and I'll have a new chance to do something for myself. I've got 5 months to try and pull myself together. To try and beat this pain. I only hope I can do it.
I love you all so much. thank you for saving my life. x

Re: Yesterday
Posted by She on Tue Apr 9 18:36:36 2002 (#1722)

I love you Eleanor.
((((((((((((((((((((hug))))) ))))))))))))))))))
Love hugs our Igloo with a champain filled pool a purple sofa with hot choch waiting for us with marshmallow topped on it a fuzzy clock 4 penguins a see through pola bear .A tube of pola bear repelant(?)a waterproff phone a fuzzy clock urm ohh and us 2.
She**

Re: Yesterday
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 9 23:51:06 2002 (#1734)

i am sooo happy you didnt do it. its great how youre looking at things, like you can start over and we would miss you so much. you're such a good person, you dont deserve to die. keep writing in your book and posting here. we love you so much, i'm so proud of you, i know everyone is.

Re: Yesterday
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Apr 10 00:57:02 2002 (#1749)

Good luck honey. I know you'll be okay. I'm glad
something in you stopped before you did anything
to hurt yourself. Just keep working on that book
and maybe in the process it will help you understand more about you. If you ever need me,
you know I'm here for you. Take care of yourself.
Love,Rhonda

Re: Yesterday
Posted by Erryn on Wed Apr 10 01:02:20 2002 (#1752)

Hey girl im so glad you are still here just remember we all love you and are waiting for your writings!!! take care and if you need anything just write XXErryn

Re: Yesterday
Posted by kae on Wed Apr 10 01:58:03 2002 (#1758)

Its soooo great that you're still here...don't let the shitheads of the world get you down. Easier said than done, I know, but work on that in the next five months. I'm going to try to as well. The shitheads of the world can break even the strongest of souls, but we can still fight them. Don't ever give up...we're always here for you. And don't ever stop writing! One day you'll be famous, I know it.

luv 'n hugz, kae

fakeness
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Apr 9 20:52:46 2002 (#1725)

Hello
Back to school and back to wearing the mask, the big happy Im alright really bullshit I have to do to convince them Im normal. If the smile even flickers all I get is 'are you alright' and 'whats wrong' why do I always have to pretend to be happy? Is it illegal to have any negative emotions?
Ella x

Re: fakeness
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 21:29:59 2002 (#1726)

It's not illegal, just socially unacceptable apparently. It sux, but that's the way life is. Hang in there honey, we're here for you. Love ya! El x x x

Re: fakeness
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 9 23:53:12 2002 (#1735)

of course silly!! why else would any of us be here?! dont take that the wrong way, it was sarcastic. it shouldnt be wrong to have these feelings, but somehow society has made it that way and it sucks

Re: fakeness
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 10 00:43:34 2002 (#1741)

I don't believe any emotion is negative. Hang in there. If acting normal spares you some unnecessary questioning, than go for it. But, if they do ask you about your frown, just tell them that you're thinking. That's what I always do.

It sucks to be a cutter - we're too perspective.

Love, Alana

Re: fakeness
Posted by She on Wed Apr 10 00:50:08 2002 (#1745)

Nah its not illegall but apparently ifs bad to feel that way .
Loadsa love
She

Re: fakeness
Posted by Erryn on Wed Apr 10 00:58:09 2002 (#1750)

It sure feels like it is illegal,u better watch out(ha ha) i always tell everyone that talks about me being unhappy is are you jealous because you can live my life if you want to then you can see that the only thing that makes me unhappy is looking at your face!!! sorry im mean take care xxxErryn

Re: fakeness
Posted by jennyfer on Wed Apr 10 01:54:58 2002 (#1757)

fuck i know exactly what you mean...i go to school with a smile spread across my face and people think that they have me all figured out but no one knows about this nasty pain i have inside...and no one knows about how i lay awake at night obsessing about ways that i sould die...but i seriously am tired of having to put on a fake smile and personality just to keep the questions from coming up... "What's wrong with jennyfers family...what's wrong with jennyfer...?" it sucks and i know it isn't easy but...i dunno...just try not to care so much people think u know?

Usesless
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 22:24:04 2002 (#1727)

Why am I so goddamn useless? I couldn't even manage to get through my last 2 years of skool without having a nervous breakdown. I've never been any good to anybody or anything. I'm not even any use on here, I don't help anybody. All I do is depress people. I hate myself right now. I'm sorry everyone

Re: Usesless
Posted by Donna on Tue Apr 9 22:53:10 2002 (#1729)

dont feel useless!! theres no need to feel like that-i always read ur posts and u dont depress me any more than i am already!! Of course you help people 'cos u post really encouraging responses to them and uve lifted my spirits more than once so congratulate yourself for doing that and im sure there have been more than me that you've made feel better! you need to have faith in yourself and believe that you can help ppl!!! i know you can!! ur a good person and i hope you get thru this pet!!! u dont deserve this shit!!

Re: Usesless
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 9 23:56:40 2002 (#1736)

dont be sorry at all, we all have shitty days like this, we've all had a few shitty years like this. and it sucks, i know. youre not worthless, trust me, if you were, why would i be posting this? it would be a waste of my time, and you're deffinately not a waste of anyones time.

Re: Usesless
Posted by Erryn on Wed Apr 10 00:52:20 2002 (#1747)

Hey girl you have helped me alot and i really enjoy reading your posts so blah your not useless we all love you please stay on and ramble on take care of yourself and keep posting xxErryn

Re: Usesless
Posted by She on Wed Apr 10 00:56:53 2002 (#1748)

Hello my Pola Queen
My god you are the most USFULL thing that i have ever came in contact to sweetie pie.You should know how much you have helped me god you saved my life several times .You stoped me going back to drugs which probably stopped me gettiung raped again your like my hero girl.
Dont worry about school you are a very clever person who has felt somethings that others couldnt beging to comprehend and you have anamazing talent to put the feelings to words .
You can use that in the time that you have of then you can reaturn to school all fresh .

I love you more then you could imagen Pola queeen.
She**

How to hide it?
Posted by Sam on Tue Apr 9 22:51:45 2002 (#1728)

I had a pretty violent cutting spree the other night, and normally I'd just wear long sleeves to hide it, but I'm a ballet dancer and I have a performance Thursday night. My costume shows my arms and a lot of my chest. Does anybody have any tips on hiding cuts? I REALLY need some advice.

Re: How to hide it?
Posted by eleanor on Tue Apr 9 23:01:37 2002 (#1730)

Hey sweetie. If they heal enough you could always try using a foundation on them, or concealer. This dulls the cuts down quite a bit and from a distance they shouldn't be visible. Hope this helps. Love always, el x x

Re: How to hide it?
Posted by mego on Tue Apr 9 23:59:13 2002 (#1737)

put neosporin and all that on them, it will help them heal faster, then some makeup, depending on how well they heal. they'll still show close up, but from a distance it wont be so bad. good luck

Re: How to hide it?
Posted by Erryn on Wed Apr 10 00:48:47 2002 (#1744)

I usually use neosporin and foundation to hidw them maybe it will be a little dark, but hey good luck!! take care xxErryn

Re: How to hide it?
Posted by She on Wed Apr 10 00:58:59 2002 (#1751)

Chalk ?? urm i dunnow the others had pritty good iders . Have a wicked time on thursday.
Good luck
She

Re: How to hide it?
Posted by pink girl on Fri Apr 12 02:58:28 2002 (#1829)

what is neosprin?
i have never heard of it, but i could do with getting some. it sounds useful!

what its like
Posted by mego on Wed Apr 10 00:28:18 2002 (#1738)

this songs really good, i was just getting off the computer and it came on the radio so i decided to post it. lots of luv
mego

WHAT IT’S LIKE (EVERLAST)

1.
We've all seen a man at the liquor store beggin' for your change
The hair on his face is dirty, dread-locked, and full of mange
He asks a man for what he could spare, with shame in his eyes
"Get a job, you fuckin' slob" is all he replies
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues

Chorus
Then you really might know what it's like
(4 x)

2.
Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom that said he was in love
He said, "Don't worry about a thing, baby doll
I'm the man you've been dreaming of"
But three months later he say he won't date her or return her calls
And she swear, "Goddamn, if I find that man I'm cuttin' off his balls"
And then she heads for the clinic and
She gets some static walking through the door
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner, and they call her a whore
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose

Chorus

Bridge
I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the downside of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
And smoked the finest green
I stroked the fattest dimes(dames?) at least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends, yo', it usually depends on where you start

3.
I knew this kid named Max
Who used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late
He liked to get shit-faced and keep the pace with thugs
Until late one night there was a big old fight and Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45, talked some shit and wound up dead
Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of this pain
You know it comes that way
At least that's what they say when you play the game
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to lose

Then you really might know what it's like
Then you really might know what it's like
Then you really might know what it's like to have to lose

Re: what its like
Posted by Erryn on Wed Apr 10 00:43:10 2002 (#1740)

I love the song its great and makes you think take care Erryn

Re: what its like
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 10 01:18:37 2002 (#1754)

I like it. It totally describes the world

Re: what its like
Posted by She on Wed Apr 10 10:26:45 2002 (#1762)

I love it
xxx
Sheb

Re: what its like
Posted by Star (amz ) on Thu Apr 11 13:50:35 2002 (#1801)

Thats a really great song, i heard it a while ago when i randomly got given a few cds and i thought it was really good. Take care *

HELP!!!!!!!
Posted by some girl on Wed Apr 10 00:41:14 2002 (#1739)

HELP! i wanna take my life sooo bad! ahhh i just cant take it anymore i am about to break! i havent cut in over 3 months and i dont wanna start! i am forcing myself to stay on here to keep me from doing something stupid! PLEASE HELP! i cant take it anymore!

Re: HELP!!!!!!!
Posted by Alana on Wed Apr 10 00:44:41 2002 (#1742)

I'm in the same boat as you...I haven't cut for about 2 1/2 months. I plan to tonight. I can't help anyone. I'm sorry.

Alana

Re: HELP!!!!!!!
Posted by Erryn on Wed Apr 10 00:45:49 2002 (#1743)

Hey i know how you feel i cant tell you not to do anything but we are all here for you so if you want to talk just write i havent cut in awhile either and i seem sadder and frustrated so which is really the winner? take care and write back xxErryn

Re: HELP!!!!!!!
Posted by She on Wed Apr 10 01:02:20 2002 (#1753)

ICE if you hold it where you would cut it stings a bit and leaves a red mark but im sule it wouldnt count as s.i .
Urm my iders arent to hot 2 night but you could try it
Loads a love
She

Re: HELP!!!!!!!
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 10 01:20:43 2002 (#1755)

I'm in the same boat as you except i've only gone a few days without cutting. Not long I know but it's an acheivement for me. Hang in there girl. Love ya, el x

Re: HELP!!!!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Wed Apr 10 04:22:20 2002 (#1760)

I've been in that mind-set many times. When you've set yourself to no more cutting and as each day passes where you've won the fight for that day, but the soul's desire to just give up and take your life and end the battle looks better everyday. But the truth is you are taking the road to recovery by the throat and cuttings hold on you is growing weeker. And that is the reason you are being tortured by the "I want to end the battle" But the truth is you are winning.

I started cutting before any of my granddaughters were born. Before that I attempted suicide. Had I not called for help I would have missed seeing her and her first younger sister.

And when I went to Nevada to see my fourth granddaught born there were periods when I wanted to cut soooo bad. But not only was I alive when my granddaughters came into this world. When the youngest was born I was standing right behind the doctors shoulder watching her come out. It was amazing. And I was ALIVE TO SEE IT.

I still battle the I want to die moments and the I want to cut days. But if I had not chosen to take the hard road and live I would have missed out on some very wonderful events, like holding my granddaughters hand and falling on her and breaking my foot while walking from one waterfall to another. And discovering how much strength I have in me and relating myself to parts of my mother and realizing how much I'm like her and seeing it as good and even wonderful.

I'm a tough cookie, I have more inner strength than many people I know. And so do you or you wouldn't been fighting the battle like all of us. My email address is posted so that if anyone is in a bad place can talk to me. But if I'm not online someone else might be. Get a network of people to email or share phone numbers so that if you need help NOW there will be someone somewhere available to talk to. And use the crisis hot line in your community, and if they don't get it. speak up and tell them they are not helping and tell them what you need from them. build up your inner person so you can get the help you need when you need it. Hugs... Dawn

Re: HELP!!!!!!!
Posted by gnimia on Wed Apr 10 15:51:04 2002 (#1767)

That is possibly the most impressive and uplifting thing ive heard in ages. am going thru upo and down phases at the moment and its really ghood to remember that they arent permanent, things get better if only for a litlle while.
I make the same offer to anyone3 who needs anything, im and email above :))))))
xxx

Thank you all
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 10 01:30:01 2002 (#1756)

I'm still feeling pretty messed up and I can't sleep (it's 12.30 in the morning here in england) so I came downstairs to see what you guys had been up to. I read all the replys to my posts and they really made me feel better. I'm so glad I've got you lot! I love you all! thank you so much, I honestly wouldn't be here without you. Well I'm gonna try and sleep again now cause I'm real tired. G'night y'all! x x x

Re: Thank you all
Posted by She on Wed Apr 10 10:29:35 2002 (#1763)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugz) ))))))))))))))))))))

Re: Thank you all
Posted by liverpoolfc on Wed Apr 10 23:16:20 2002 (#1775)

Can I just say that we need to be thanking you. You are always here for everybody and reply to everybody. You are a truly thoughtful person.

bubye mego...!!
Posted by Crimson Fire on Wed Apr 10 04:19:50 2002 (#1759)

hey guys mego sent me an email because her parents found her journal and shes not allowed to use psyke anymore and shes not allowed to talk to me anymore so shes not going to be around at least for a while....hopefully she will make it back eventually. i dont know what im going to do without talking to her though. she was basically my best friend she always always made me feel better and i dont know what im going to do without her now...

Re: bubye mego...!!
Posted by She on Wed Apr 10 10:32:03 2002 (#1764)

Oh now God that is so unfair.
If you can please tell her that ill miss her and her poems loads and love her alot.
Love She

Re: bubye mego...!!
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 10 16:44:57 2002 (#1769)

What? No, they can't do that. I love mego so much! She's made so much difference to me. God, that's so shit

Re: bubye mego...!!
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Apr 12 00:36:43 2002 (#1822)

Thanks for letting me know about Mego. I'll be
around if you ever need someone to talk too. Take
care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

im here
Posted by mego on Wed Apr 10 14:06:17 2002 (#1765)

i'm here, posting real quick. i think i'm gonna go to a hospital after this school year is over, i'm not really sure whats gonna happen. i showed my mom my cuts, because she said if i do shed think about letting me keep coming on here. she never answered me but she knows i'm on right now, so maybe it'll be okay. i dont know whats gonna happen. i called one of my friends and told her, maybe a mistake but i was freaking out. my mom was so drunk, i didnt know what else to do. this cant be too much longer, i gotta get to school soon. i love you guys so much, thanks for everything. i gotta go now, i'll try to be on later.

Re: im here
Posted by She on Wed Apr 10 14:19:41 2002 (#1766)

heya .
ohh girl you gotta keep coming on here ill wiss you loads if you leave .
(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))) )))))))))))))))
Please try to stay in touch .
Keep writing yeah.
love you loads
She*

Re: im here
Posted by gnimia on Wed Apr 10 15:52:51 2002 (#1768)

Stay strong, and take care. you will get thru this one to face the next.

love gnimia xxx

Re: im here
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 10 16:47:13 2002 (#1770)

I love you sweetheart! You'll get thru this, I know you will. Anytime things get too much turn up your music full blast, smoke a cigarette and think of me coz I'll be thinking of you! try to come back soon. x

Re: im here
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Apr 12 00:38:50 2002 (#1823)

Mego, if you do go to a hospital after school, I'll email you with my mailing address so you can
write to me, if you want. Let me know whenever
you get the chance. Take care sweetie,
Love,Rhonda

Life is something to do when I'm not asleep
Posted by Maggie on Wed Apr 10 18:29:58 2002 (#1771)

Is sleep-deprivation a form of SI?
Life is something I do when I'm not asleep... I LOVE SLEEP SO MUCH, more than living anyway.
But this is the second night this week that I haven't slept due to last minute school work.
I used to blame my procrastination tendancies for why I always leave things to the last minute, but now I am wondering whether subconsciously I choose to inflict this stress on myself.
During these all-nighters, study-breaks are only justified when there's a hammer or blade involved. I also overdose on caffeine tablets.

Sometimes I even believe that I'm normal...

Re: Life is something to do when I'm not asleep
Posted by Broken Girl on Wed Apr 10 20:11:44 2002 (#1772)

Hi
I love sleep too. I love it so much; I don't think when I'm asleep anyway… I think sleep-deprivation is a form of SI cuz sleep eases pain right? So when I let the thoughts keep running through my head and keep me awake I am denying myself something I love and enjoy, which harms me. I feel tired all day, but am up all night cuz the thoughts I store away all day come to the forefront of my mind and stay there all night keeping me up. I ache. I haven't done any exercise today but my legs ache and arms twinge, I feel tired weary and heavy.
Love Ella x

Re: Life is something to do when I'm not asleep
Posted by cindy on Wed Apr 10 20:25:35 2002 (#1773)

hey maggie, I've always been the same as you when it comes to work-and I think I'm going to fail my a-levels because of it. sometimes it seems as though I want myself to fail-like som sort of self fulfilling prophesy or something. no matter how hard I try I just cant seem to motivate myself to care. I love sleep too and try whenever I can-during lunchbreaks, in the afternoon when I get home etc. all the fucking time. and yet I'm always tired as well. it really sucks. oh well none of that was of any use. I guess it's just now you know someone else feels at least roughly the same. take care. cindy xox

Re: Life is something to do when I'm not asleep
Posted by eleanor on Wed Apr 10 21:08:24 2002 (#1774)

I can never sleep. sleep is my favourite thing but I've not had more than 2 hours per night for the past 3 months. Yeah, I think it is a form of si because not sleeping causes me pain. During the day because I'm so tired and the rest of the time because all of the muscles in my body ache so much it's hard to walk. Look after yourself. el x

Re: Life is something to do when I'm not asleep
Posted by mego on Thu Apr 11 01:39:42 2002 (#1782)

haha, yep. i know how that is. slept through school today, fell asleep around 3:30 on the couch, woke up now at 6:30 to sit with the family while they ate dinner, goin to bed again at 8:30

Re: Life is something to do when I'm not asleep
Posted by She on Thu Apr 11 14:55:23 2002 (#1803)

Yeah i know what u mean i dont do it on purpose though i a imsomniac and it just pissed me off trying to so i dont now .The stupid docter wont give me sleeping pills caus he thinks i use drugs still ohh well i get loads a stuff done it the nghts.
Love yaall
She

Update
Posted by liverpoolfc on Wed Apr 10 23:22:36 2002 (#1776)

Here is an update of my trying to quit. Today is day four and still no cuts. It is getting really tough. My only friend in the world goes through these mad spells where she won't talk to me for days at a time for no reason at all. Well she is having another one of her spells and it makes me feel like shit. So that is pretty hard on me. I started with a therapist today. She is actually mean. I don't think I like her one bit but I'll give it a couple more goes. I'll stay updated with you guys.

Re: Update
Posted by cindy on Wed Apr 10 23:32:54 2002 (#1778)

I think we all know just how hard it can be but every time I try and give up I just slip into the ideal world where one day I'll never cut and that keeps me going for a few more days. I have a very tempramental friend too- so I guess that is what this place is fore. when you feel people in the 'real' world are letting you down or dont understand there will always be someone here who can relate and keep you going. so uh yeah end of post and stay happy if you can. take care. cindy xox

Re: Update
Posted by mego on Thu Apr 11 01:58:25 2002 (#1783)

i hope things get better for you, it turns out i have some shitty friends too. i think everyone does, and it really sucks. good luck

Re: Update
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 11 13:21:49 2002 (#1794)

My friends are shitty too. Oh well, I know it's not much consolation but I love ya! keep going, you're doing really well! Love always, el x x x

Re: Update
Posted by She on Thu Apr 11 14:58:37 2002 (#1804)

I think my friends hate me ohh well i dont blame them i hate me too. Your doing well .keep it up sweetie.I love you .
She

does it ever get better???
Posted by Donna on Wed Apr 10 23:25:55 2002 (#1777)

hey guys......i had another meeting with my counsellor today and it was hell!i had so much to say but once i sat down my mind went blank and i wanted to get out of there as soon as i could! Does it ever get better? i really want it to but i cant open up at all.....its killing me going there every week and getting nowhere! How long will it go on? i just want to be assured that things will get better cos the way im headed..ill end up being as bad as i was..i dont know how to cope..i dont want to cut yet again...but the blade..its getting closer....

Re: does it ever get better???
Posted by mego on Thu Apr 11 02:06:56 2002 (#1784)

i hope things get better for you. write to me, okay?

Re: does it ever get better???
Posted by Crimson Fire on Thu Apr 11 02:28:00 2002 (#1787)

i have had the exact opposite problem. every psych i go to ill talk like hell the first couple days then after that its torture to go. so im not sure if it gets better it probably does though...i dont know its really hard to talk to people. just try and pretend your sitting in your car talking to yourself cause i think that was my problem as soon as i realized i was actually TALKING to another breathing being i couldnt open my mouth anymore. so just dont think about that little fact...lol i hope it helps

Re: does it ever get better???
Posted by eleanor on Thu Apr 11 13:23:46 2002 (#1795)

I have the same problem as you. It sucks. It hasn't got any better for me yet, but hopefully it will soon for both of us. Keep going sweetheart!!!!! Love always, el x x

Re: does it ever get better???
Posted by She on Thu Apr 11 15:01:30 2002 (#1805)

Im last theripist was like the right untill my last sesion but now i have me old one back yes shes really nice.
I think its always hard the first time.
Loads a love
SHe