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Threads 701 to 725

Hey some new Info
Posted by Robyn Girl on Mon May 20 05:27:45 2002 (#3186)

hey ok heres the dillio... my EMAILS are...
AbsolutlyPerfect2 5@yahoo.com
xxx_Robyn_Girl@iam yours.com
FlynHigh25@snowboard. com

my aim is: ISAYRARRRDOU

ok peace out for now

~robyn

numb
Posted by anya on Mon May 20 21:11:26 2002 (#3189)

Sorry its been ages since i posted on here but im always so busy at the moment. Is every1 ok~?

I sat on my bedroom floor last night and i could feel the tears rollin down my cheeks but i couldnt figure out why. I cant decide what makes me cut. I dont know how i feel. I feel numb and "emotionally inert" its the only way i can descibe everything. I feel as if there's something wrong with me, as if im not human or im completely dead inside,,its so strange and scary. I cut for the first time in 3 weeks last night because i was so desperate to feel something. its so awful. im sorry for moanin on but your the only people that might possibly understand me.

luv

anya

Re: numb
Posted by Erryn on Mon May 20 23:17:55 2002 (#3193)

welcome back, i hope you feel better soon, take care xxxErryn

Re: numb
Posted by Vapor on Tue May 21 04:03:15 2002 (#3197)

im sorry... i dunno what to say except i understand that feeling... i think thats the worst part of cutting... looking to fill the void. a void that cant really be filled during this lifetime.

anyway, i know you can be strong and get through this time. im sending you good thoughts....
Later, Vapor

hmmm i guess i trust you guys....(could trigger??)
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon May 20 21:18:58 2002 (#3190)

sooooooo i think ive finally reached the stage where i can talk about whats happened in my life. i guess i have major trust issues because of whats happened i was so scared to post n vent about it all because i dont know you guys....but now i feel like part of a little family.

ive been cutting since i was 13 on and off....... at the beginning i told you i had been cutting for half a year just over. i lied about that because i didnt feel safe telling you the truth...ya know what i mean??

ive mentioned in the past about fucking social services messing everything up........ thats cuz i was abused by a family friend since i was 10. he was a complete bastard and i hate him...although sometimes i dont if that makes sense??

anyways i never told anyone that before......i came close to telling SHE at one point but decided against it and talked my way out of it by feeding her this crap that he only did it a coupla times n i was exxagerating. just didnt want to tell the truth, needed to protect myself?? hmmm.

anyways i dunno why im telling you...i guess ive just come to the point where i trust you guys.....n thats big for me yeah really big. i dont trust anyone else. so i thought id aknowledge that.

i know it seems kinda strange me telling you this shit but well i dunno it jut seems right?

cya later every one hope your all ok? xxxx

Re: hmmm i guess i trust you guys....(could trigge
Posted by Erryn on Mon May 20 23:16:34 2002 (#3192)

im glad that you feel like you can trust us, im here if you need anything, take care xxxErryn

Re: hmmm i guess i trust you guys....(could trigge
Posted by Vapor on Tue May 21 03:54:42 2002 (#3195)

hey, im glad youre to the point where you can start talking about it. its amazing the numbers of women who have been abused. i can pretty much talk about my abuse openly with people i trust, except my family. my mom read my journals once and learned about it. i told her i made it all up, but she didnt believe me. i still deny it to my parents though. its hard to admit things like this... but its not your fault. i hope you dont feel that it is because it isnt. that was my hardest obstacle... that i knew it was my fault and even though i was just a kid i should have tried to stop it but you feel so powerless, ya know? i know in my head its not my fault but my heart doesnt believe it...and you can never hear it too many times... its not your fault. you are on your way to healing now, things will get better!
Later, Vapor

Re: hmmm i guess i trust you guys....(could trigge
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue May 21 17:12:44 2002 (#3205)

Hi donna
Im glad you trust us, I guess Ive never told my full story either, Im gonna do that in a minute. But Im glad you can trust us and Im here to talk always about the abuse or anything.
Ella x

Re: hmmm i guess i trust you guys....(could trigge
Posted by She on Tue May 21 17:31:03 2002 (#3209)

Your very brave sweetie i admire you for that.
You are so stron for getting through what you have lived for and now maby things can start getting better for you .Im sorry i havnt been round so much at the moment but im allways here for you sweetie dont forget that yeah.
I LOVE you
She

ugh on life
Posted by Erryn on Tue May 21 01:41:42 2002 (#3194)

hey guys just got back from bringing my son to the drs, he is going to start on some meds and see how his count is in 6 wks. i feel so numb today, i want to cut so bad but i cant, i feel life doesnt mean anything and i dont want to be here, i wish it was me that was sick, not my son. i hate my job, and my life.ugh Erryn

Re: ugh on life
Posted by Vapor on Tue May 21 03:56:09 2002 (#3196)

i will be praying the meds work. you are a strong person... you can make it through this!
Later, Vapor

Re: ugh on life
Posted by KAT on Tue May 21 05:26:14 2002 (#3199)

I hope your son fully recovers , your a great mom just stand by his side like you are.
Best of luck.
I know how you feel in a way, my immidiate family member was in an acident and I wished so bad that it had been me and not him, because I thought I deserved it more then him, but truth is..it all worked out for the best.
these terrible things in life make us stronger, they really do!
"they" weren't lying.
take care
-KAT

Re: ugh on life
Posted by She on Tue May 21 17:26:45 2002 (#3208)

Oww im so sorry about all this you dont deserve it . I pray everything will be ok
((((((((((((((HUGZZZZ))))))) )))))))))))))
Loads of love
She

Re: ugh on life
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue May 21 17:51:49 2002 (#3215)

Hi
(((((((((HUGZ)))))))))
Keep going for your son, he is lucky to have such a wonderful mother.
Ella x

Re: ugh on life
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 22 09:01:22 2002 (#3250)

hey sweetheart. You know i would do anything to stop you and your son having to go through this? I love you loads girl. If there's ever anything I can do you know where I am. Love always, el x

Re: ugh on life
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 22 10:59:05 2002 (#3252)

hey erryn how are yas?? i havent spoken to you in a while. sorry your feeling shitty hun. i hope your sons ok too girl give him a hug from me.

take care xxx

Superficial
Posted by KAT on Tue May 21 05:23:20 2002 (#3198)

Hey...this post might sound kind of in-sensitive, and Im very sorry if it does.

I havent replied to many of the posts because I really dontmknow what to say and Im lost for words because what some of you post is to much to deal with, you know?

but heres my post.
I am at the point in my life where I look back and I so regret hurting my beautiful skin.
I dont have perfectly clear skin, Im not super model skinny, but my skin is mine and I feel terrible for distorting it the way I have.
having to hide myself everyday, Im at the point where I am thinking about getting laser surgery to cover the nasty scars!

I know this sounds contradictory and I just posted how my mom was ashamed and My scars are mine forever. But I really dont want them anymore, Im getting along well..and I dont like being constantly reminded everyday of how horrible I felt when I was 15 16 17 years old.

These scars arent lines on my arms, they are crators, wholes in my skin..in my heart.
and I dont know..what do you think?
should I go through with this surgery, or would it be like Im denying my past, and what Ive been through.
hehe..kinda feel like a sell-out if that makes any sence.

If you respond please be truthful, I need honest criticizm..this is kind of a big decision.
thanks
take care all
*many hugs*
-KAT

Re: Superficial
Posted by Vapor on Tue May 21 06:51:10 2002 (#3200)

...nothing is forever. maybe your past isnt one to hold on to.. you'll always remember. if i could get rid of them i would jump on it. my legs are much worse than my arms... it makes me sad to know i will never again wear shorts, skirts, bathing suits! how much does it suck i will never be able to enjoy a day on the beach sunbathing because i will be the dork in long pants?! never get to swim in a pool again! go for it... feel lucky.
Later, Vapor

Re: Superficial
Posted by andrea on Tue May 21 20:34:24 2002 (#3220)

I feel really helpless here, I wish I could help. Only my arm is bad.
x

Re: Superficial
Posted by Eleanor on Tue May 21 21:35:47 2002 (#3224)

hey Kat.
I look at my scars now and hate them but they are a part of me now. Even if I get rid of them somehow they'll always be with me, it's not so easy to forget about things like that.
I don't know, I think what I'm trying to say is think really hard before you decide anything because if you go through with the laser surgery there's no guarantee that it will make any difference to how you feel and in the long run it might make you worse.
Sorry if that didn't make any sense. Love ya, el x x

Re: Superficial
Posted by kae on Tue May 21 11:50:43 2002 (#3202)

Hey girl
I think its the best thing you can do for yourself...its great that you're even considering it. Think of how you'll feel when the scars are gone...I doubt you'll ever want to cut again, for fear of messing up your skin.
I don't see it as a way of 'hiding' your past...the memories of our good times and bad times are always with us, in our minds. Wearing memories on your body, as scar tissue, isn't so much fun...its more of a legacy than a memory.

I say GO FOR IT!!! I want to try it too, someday...when I get out of this hell. You can tell us all about it afterwards, even inspire other people to try it.

Good luck...:)
luv 'n hugz,
kae

Re: Superficial
Posted by She on Tue May 21 17:34:12 2002 (#3210)

I was just talking to Eleanor about this kinda thing.I didnt know you could get lazer surgery for it .Go for it.
Loads of love
She

Re: Superficial
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue May 21 17:47:21 2002 (#3213)

Hi
Scars will never be just lines they are memories and emotions and the ultimate act of self hatred other then suicide. The past is always in your head, by removing it from your skin you simply open new doors into society that the scarred cant reach. The past is in all of us, even if it is not physically, so you cant sell out, not really. Lazor surgery will remove the reminders of the more painful memories of your past, if you want surgery then go for it. Its not for anyone else to decide, there is no need to go by what one group of people wishes, I will not conform with others who cut just to fit in, the same as I dont in other parts of life. So if you want surgey then go ahead, if not then theres always long sleeve t-shirts!
Ella x

Re: Superficial
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 22 11:01:48 2002 (#3253)

hey KAT. you just follow your heart hun. i know that sounds easy and i know its much harder but...

you need to remember that whatever you do, oyu do it for yourself and not for your mum or anyone else hun. if you want to get rid of the scars then do it. you wont be a sellout itll just be your way of moving on i guess. do what you feel is right hun...noone else can give you the answer.

take care xxx

Re: Superficial
Posted by wallflower on Sun May 26 02:11:17 2002 (#3375)

I totally think you should go for it. It's an opportunity to help yourself feel better. Think about it this way: you won't have the negative reminders, and you won't ever have to explain to anyone where the scars came from anymore. If I had the money for it I would do it too. Although, on the other hand, I would also like to just finally be able to deal with my scars and not be ashamed of them. I want to be able to go to a pool party with close friends and wear a sexy bikini, scars and all.

???????????
Posted by pat on Tue May 21 09:05:47 2002 (#3201)

I know I can't suicide, I know I can't do other self abuse so the urge to cut is really really strong. I know that I could do it really easily right now, but then there would be the explaination of the scars. That's the hardest part. Some times that's harder than the actual cutting. What to do?

Re: ???????????
Posted by Nicke on Tue May 21 13:04:40 2002 (#3204)

Maybe you should stop looking to 'do' another type of abuse...you should try and deal with what makes you want to do them at all.

You should try to develop other coping strategies...some people draw, write poetry, there are plenty of things you can try to do.

I find listening to music a big help because I can get lost in the words and melody...

Everyone is different though, and I not pretending it is easy, but neither is anything else right now(I guess you feel like this because you are contemplating suicide). So if everything is hard then what difference does it make if you try somthing that is equally as hard but can have more benfits in the long run.

Hope that made sense...

Look, it does get easier, but you have to what the help, you have to want to get better, or at least stop the urges...

Have you tried therapy, or talking to a doctor...they can prescribe you some medication if you need it, that will take the edge of things eventually, well it did for me, or they can refer you to a counsellor, therpaist, other sorts of help they can advise you on.

It might seem scary at first but you should give it a try....

Stay strong. NickeX

Re: ???????????
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue May 21 17:22:12 2002 (#3207)

yeah Nicke is right, cutting is just an product formed by the actual problem; depression etc etc... But obviously I do cut so what can I say? nothing but get help, Ive never been to the doctors so I cant comment on that, but I go to free and confidential councelling and despite my odd moans it helps a lot.
Ella x

Re: ???????????
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 22 02:45:21 2002 (#3241)

hi, dont cut. the urge will pass. the longer you resist the easier it gets! stay strong!
Later, Vapor

Re: ???????????
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 22 11:04:07 2002 (#3254)

hey pat. yeah i can relate to that. hiding the scars is much harder than making them hun.

i dont make a habit of encouraging peeps to cut but if you need to then try cutting your legs or stomach...harder to find?? i dunno.....easy answer is dont cut but hell thats just fucking silly

Sweet emptiness...dangerous happiness...
Posted by Nicke on Tue May 21 12:49:00 2002 (#3203)

Emptiness is by definition a deprivation or something that is lacking...so to be empty is to be without something...

How can something that is technically nothing be so much??

How can it destroy and rip apart lives...if it is nothing?

What is the something that is missing to make it lacking?

Maybe emptiness isn't emptiness at all. Maybe it is completetion...society just tells us that there is something more and we believe them. Even though it goes against everything that we feel, we believe them, because we must be wrong!! We are always wrong...

But what is right...maybe it is society that lives in a fantasy world and we are in touch with reality...HARSH reality...everyone else is just so scared to see what is in front of their lives...it is so close up that they develop lon-sightedness...or they see but don't want to admit it...Instead they just walk around pretending that everything is fine, because that is what society tells us is normal...

Who makes up the rules??

Just because the majority are doing something, doesn't make it right...Hitler had a majority in his country...Was he right???

Most of Hitler's followers were scared of him of what would happen if they went against him...just like people are scared of what will happen if they admit the truth...that there is sadness and evil in everyones life.

This emptiness, nothingness has filled me...took up all the space so that no 'happiness' can fit in...nothing can fit in.

I have to try and make some space, maybe let some of the nothingness out...let it seep out of me...Why do I do this??...Because of some morbid hope that if I do I will be happy...

But...if emptiness were completetion, then happiness would be a deprivation, a lacking, and I would really be seeking to be a lesser person...wanting to be something that is lacking...Yet I acknowledge this and still continue to cling to the hope that I will be this deprivation...because that is what everybody else is...

Maybe I should stick to being a loner, an individual...any happiness that works its way into my life, if that is possible, I must expel...let it seep out...before it destroys me...

For happiness is dangerous, and emptiness is sweet completetion...

----------------------- -----------

Hope you like...just some thoughts

Nicke.

Re: Sweet emptiness...dangerous happiness...
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue May 21 17:18:44 2002 (#3206)

That makes so much sense! My mum told me scars are ugly and that people will hate me for them... but that is just the world she lives in, though she has snared me in this world of fear and shame I know there is another world which I cant reach at the moment where you simply wear long sleaves or just let the scars show. For who says scars are ugly? The people with out the scars, the people with pain like this... so what do they know? They will never see the beauty of letting out the poison which fills me and overcrowds me. Their lives are empty, yet still I envy them...
Ella x
PS I tried to email you but it failed, is it just my fucked up computer?

Re: Sweet emptiness...dangerous happiness...
Posted by Erryn on Tue May 21 22:38:14 2002 (#3230)

never thought of it that way, thanks for sharing take carexxxErryn

Re: Sweet emptiness...dangerous happiness...
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 22 02:50:51 2002 (#3242)

wow, i cant believe i followed that. it makes sense though... ive gone down those thought paths before...
Later, Vapor

Re: Sweet emptiness...dangerous happiness...
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 22 11:05:55 2002 (#3255)

yeah hun i read this last night but didnt have time to reply. some very interesting thoughts there hun............ shame society isnt wiling to listen huh? ignorance is what it is xxx

Coming clean ( may also trigger)
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue May 21 17:39:55 2002 (#3212)

hi
Ok if Donna can do this then I will too, I came clean with my therapist yesterday and I will do the same here.
I remember being nine, looking through the bannisters in the stares and mum and dad are arguing as usual. Thier words are so filled with hate that they infiltrate through me and echoe in the emptiness, mutating uglier and uglier. Then dad grabs mum and pushe her against the wall and kicks her again and again in the shins. i shout at him to stop and he ignores me. Another time I have a nightmare at age 7 and run to find mum in the dark, dad is downstairs: he's been drinking he starts shout at me and throws a piece of china which catches my leg, I scream and mum comes and starts screaming too, my brother is awake and he's crying. Dad always used to call Joe (my brother) a stupid sod when we were little, i remember Joes face when dad said that every time I think of Dad. Dad got stoned quite a bit as well, but he wasnt a 'druggy' or anything... affairs, there was a lot of them... Now they are seperated but court cases are always looming, custody and welfaire officers at the house. I hate them both so much. They have torn me and shredded me until all that is left is me as a 9 year old crying and screaming at them to stop. But they arent listening, they never do... So its not dramatic, no abuse just words and occaisonal violence which I absorbed so it plays back to me every time I close my eyes. People tell me that my dad does love me, all parents do... but how could he love me when he has done this to us? Its hard enough trying to come to turns with the fact that no one cares about you with out patronising 'friends' telling you all the time that you are wrong and that they do... They havnt seen what I have seen... I see the ugliness of thier anger every night. Some times I feel like my depression isnt justified, there was no sexual abuse or rape, there was no dramatic violence just the odd kick or punch. There was bullying too, at school, there is still no where safe apart from here... anger and ugliness crowding into every aspect of my life.
I know there will be three (if Im lucky) replys to this post, and 29 views or what ever... I hate that, but what can you say? My depression isnt even justified compared to what other people have seen... But it has destroyed me and my life to this robot trying desperatly not to feel, trying to hide the pain... but I cant anymore.
If support and love start at home, then I havnt got a chance in hell, Im so used to being hurt by people its become a trait I look for in friends.
Ella x

Sod sorting myself out, I had to reply
Posted by Eleanor on Tue May 21 18:20:02 2002 (#3216)

I love you sweetheart. I promised myself that I wouldn't read any posts on here because then my "staying away" would never work and I'd have to reply, but I'm glad I did read this. People like you shouldn't have any of this shit. I've lived through similar (barely lived through it) and I know how much it hurts.
I love you so much you'll never know, you've done so much for me and I want to be here when you need someone. You know where I am if you need me.
Love ya girl!
El x x

Thanks
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue May 21 20:17:10 2002 (#3217)

Hi Eleanor
I'm glad your back! It's good to know other people know what it's like. Tonight was the last straw though, my step-dad called me a 'stupid little girl' and I asked mum to say something, all she said was 'he pays the bills, he has a right to call you stupid'. Pardon? Did I miss something? Him paying the bills gives him the right to call me stupid? But I'm so glad your back, the board ain't the same without you!
Ella x

Re: Thanks
Posted by Eleanor on Tue May 21 21:29:58 2002 (#3223)

How on earth does anything give him the right to talk to you like that?!
Thanks. I guess I missed you all too much! Keep your chin up hun
Love ya, el x x x

Re: Thanks
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 22 11:07:53 2002 (#3256)

hey ella hun. weldone for saying all that, hehe i inspired someone yay!! sory bout all that shit girl it must be hard for you hun. love ya loads..email me when you get it up n running again.

oh n eleanor?? u back now or just one off posting?? confusion???

take care ella xxx

Re: Coming clean ( may also trigger)
Posted by KAT on Tue May 21 20:32:02 2002 (#3219)

You know, what my parents did to me when I was younger I honestly never related it back to my cutting.
Never once.

Until therapists put it in my head..."were you ever abused"

"neglected"

"verbally talked down upon"

I thought...isnt this what happens in EVERY family.
I was wrong.

It feels better when you let out all that shit in your brain..likes releasing the air out of a balloon..the pressure is gone.

Take care
Nice post

KAT

Re: Coming clean ( may also trigger)
Posted by Erryn on Tue May 21 22:35:37 2002 (#3229)

hey im so sorry you have to remember things like that, remember im here for you and love you if you need anything just write take care xxxxErryn

Re: Coming clean ( may also trigger)
Posted by She on Tue May 21 23:11:46 2002 (#3234)

Im so proud of you ella you very brave and strong
keep fighting sweetie im here if you want to talk .
I think its great you and donna have wrote why you cut cause maby i will one day .
Loads of love n hugzzzzzzz
She

Re: Coming clean ( may also trigger)
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 22 02:56:22 2002 (#3244)

i remember going through the...
"u mean people love their mothers? you mean they arent even a BIT scared of them?"
scary realization...
Later, Vapor

Re: Coming clean ( may also trigger)
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 22 02:53:56 2002 (#3243)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ((((ELLA)))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))

i dont have much to say, big hugs, i understand. itll be ok...
Later, VApor

!!!SHE!!!
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue May 21 17:50:13 2002 (#3214)

Hey she!
My emails should be fixed by tonight so I'll email you but I havny spoken to you for a while so I thought I'd dedicate a whole post to you! Anyway, just to say that you have been great the past few weeks with my boring suicidleness! Thanks, you were keeping me alive for a while.
Ella x

Re: !!!SHE!!!
Posted by She on Tue May 21 23:04:08 2002 (#3231)

Hiya
Ohh ella you dont have to thank me you wonderfull to me girl youve taught me alot of things thankyou loads of that:o).
I hope you feel loads and loads better really soon.I know we havent talked much for a while ive been pritty busy i really really miss our chats maby we will be ably to talk soon.
LOVE you seetie
Hugz and roses and lots n lots of happy thourts.
She

just a thought
Posted by ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Tue May 21 20:22:26 2002 (#3218)

Just a Thought

I feel like screaming,
My screams wont cry.
I don't know what I am anymore.
I have no purpose,
I have no regrets.
My exsistance is denial.
I live to love,
Wish I loved to live,
Romance is so confusing.
Confusion is hate,
Hate is depression,
Depression always lurking.
Life is eternal
Until you die,
Death is reality - a clueless lie.
Lies are untrue,
Or so it seems,
My deepest secrets,
Lie within my dreams.

Love Roses and Empathy to - those who care
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: just a thought
Posted by KAT on Tue May 21 20:36:22 2002 (#3221)

That was great!

I liked it a lot, I have tons of poems and shit that sound like that.

KAT

Re: just a thought
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue May 21 21:23:42 2002 (#3222)

that is so good. you have a way with words. i've written sum poems but nothing like that. that just was very good. maybe sum time i'll post some of my poems on here and you can read them. but don't be surprised to see they are stupid. ok well good job. take care. love always. scaredinthedark

Re: just a thought
Posted by Eleanor on Tue May 21 21:41:01 2002 (#3225)

that was very good. I write poetry all the time. sometimes my thoughts make more sense written down on paper.
love el x

Re: just a thought
Posted by Erryn on Tue May 21 22:29:42 2002 (#3228)

i love it!!!!!!!keep writing take care xxxxxxxxErryn

Re: just a thought
Posted by She on Tue May 21 23:06:01 2002 (#3232)

That is so good you re all amazing at writting on here well done.Thanx for shearing it.:o)
She

Re: just a thought
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 22 03:01:05 2002 (#3245)

i hope you wont hate me for this...
i think you have a wonderful work started here, the ideas and themes are very strong. however, i feel it could be a lot better if the structure were stronger. maybe try putting it away for a while and go back to it in a few weeks or months...sometimes taking a break from it helps you to look at it with a fresh view and that might help you strengthen this piece. it has lots of potential! hope i havent offended... thank you for sharing your work!
Later, Vapor

Re: just a thought
Posted by ¸.·*¨°·.¸ CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Wed May 22 07:38:12 2002 (#3247)

thanks for that vapor, but the poem is an old one.. I thought people here may be able to relate to it so I posted it, I wont be working on that one anymore as I am happy now.
Love Roses and Empathy
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: just a thought
Posted by Vapor on Wed May 22 08:19:14 2002 (#3248)

ok! the only reason i said anything was cause i did relate to it a LOT. i really liked the ideas you had running through... i liked the way it moves... the diction is great, i just felt the overall syntax could be stronger. and dont get me wrong, i wouldnt have even offered my input if i didnt think you were a talented mature writer. i love what you have... sorry if i overstepped... thank you for sharing.
Later, Vapor

Re: just a thought
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 22 11:09:21 2002 (#3257)

hey crimson!! how are you?? i havent spoken in a while....my hotmails gone kaput! ahh well. hope you are ok n that poem was really good chucky...

take care xxxx

Re: just a thought
Posted by ¸.·*¨°·.¸ CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Wed May 22 12:47:41 2002 (#3260)

vapor, I do appreciate your input it was nice of you to comment, my last post wasnt meant to sound snappy at all - I hope you didnt take it that way! I do apologise if you did, it was not intended to sound like that!
Love Roses and Empathy
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

the poems i promised
Posted by scaredinthedark on Tue May 21 21:51:53 2002 (#3226)

now i don't remember which ones i posted on the other board and which ones i didn't so i'm gonna type all 3 that i have. here they are.

No Chance To Cry

i sit every night/getting rid of the pain/you outsiders look at me/like i'm nuts or insane/the pain escapes me/and none of you see/inside me i'm yelling/i'm screaming/just for you help/you'll never understand/the urge within me to die/i sit around waiting/with no chance left to cry/you don't know a way/to comfort me from this/all i ask/is for your love and careness/i ask you to help me/or at least ask me why/but unlike me who can't/you seem to cry/i can't let it out that way/can't you see/the blood is the way it comes out of me/i lay here now/as everyone sheds their tears above/i send you my heart/and all of my love.

Fine

i sit here all alone/in my safe and secure corner/the silence washes over me/like a big black hole/the darkness engulfs me/like the pain that i feel/but i release myself now/and that pain disappears/the pain has cut deep this time/i don't know yet/ if the pain is enough/but i don't fret/i know the outcome of the other pain/i've been fine/a little dizzy/but fine/this one won't stop though/it's pouring out/i wonder if i'm going to be ok/or if something bad will happen/i'm leaving now/the blackness is here/i'll see you tomorrow/or will i?.....

Can You Guess Who He Is?

sitting here all alone/no one around to take me home/you've been gone for two hole years/all i do is wish you were here/you left today twho years back/i've been waiting to go to you/all dressed in black/the candles i light are for the pain/to keep me from cutting/am i insane?/i want to die/and join you up high/but i'm being held back by someone/who loves me enough/enough to help me live/and get through the tough times/but i think i'm slipping/he may not be able to hold onto life/the life that is mine/i'm going crazy in my head/only i wish i were dead/that one person tries to help/and talk to me/about you/ it hasn't worked yet/one little bit/but i hope it does/so i can get/back my life/can you guess who he is?/can you?

well yea there are my poems. i hope you all like them. well take care everyone. <3 always. scaredinthedark

Re: the poems i promised
Posted by Erryn on Tue May 21 22:27:33 2002 (#3227)

hey those are good and so real thanks for sharing them take care xxxErryn

Re: the poems i promised
Posted by She on Tue May 21 23:07:13 2002 (#3233)

Wow
Theres so true .:o)
I love you sweetie things are gonna get better.
She

Re: the poems i promised
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 22 08:59:25 2002 (#3249)

They were great sweetie. I could relate to them so much. I meant what I said, if you ever need me you know where I am. Love always, el x

Re: the poems i promised
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 22 14:26:49 2002 (#3262)

hey just read them now.....they are really good girl im teling you. geeeshhh everyone has a way with words on here its so nice to read stuff. thankyou :-)

Hiya
Posted by She on Tue May 21 23:21:10 2002 (#3235)

Hiya
I havent posted n e thing for a while so i thourght i would tell you whats going on at the moment.
Im really worried about my friend at the moment she went to the doctors a week or so ago and he strongly advised her to take and hiv or aids or somthing test im so worried about it.Im so scared for her she seames amazingly layed back about it all.
My psrink said something about me going to see a drugs counseler im really confused why she knows Ive given up heroin and the only things i do now are very safe.dose n e one know if it would do any good to go now?
Loads of love and dadilion seeds
She

Re: Hiya
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 22 09:05:20 2002 (#3251)

Hey baba!
((((((HUGS!)))))
You know what I said princess, any time you need to talk or you need anything I'm here or I'll be there. I doesn't matter what it is.
Is there any news on your friend yet?
About the drugs councellor, well from what you've told me you seem to be coping really well without one. You shouldn't let anyone pressure you into seeing somebody you don't want to, if they do I'll come and bite them for you! hehe!
Love you loads sweetheart!!!!!!
Elle x x

Re: Hiya
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 22 11:11:22 2002 (#3258)

hiya SHE!!!! havent spoken to oyu for ages hun!! how are yas doing???? erm if your shrink suggested councilling then well you may aswell try it even though i can understand why it owuld seem pointless. ill email you tonight if i can hun. cyazz xxx

Re: Hiya
Posted by She on Wed May 22 16:28:38 2002 (#3263)

Hiya both
((((HUGZZZ!!!)))))
Hay ive missed you.
Erm i cant really understand it she is a little wierd im not really bnothered what i do im not really sure why she wants me to go though its odd.
My friend seamse layed back about it all its wierd if it was ,e i would be so stressed i think the results are back sometime next week.(uhhh ohhh)
Well see you all soon
Loads of love
She

Goodbye for a while
Posted by Dawn on Wed May 22 00:43:25 2002 (#3239)

I've started many messages and fell asleep and when I woke up my screen was black and MSN was bouncing all around the screen and my message was gone. So I will make this short.

There are times in our lives when we've done all we can to change our situation or ourselves and lift our eyes and and lives up to heaven and say, "Ok God, I've tried my best, fought a good fight but all I've achieved was making a mess of my life. I now give all the mess and broken pieces to you and you can do with it what you can to put the pieces together according to your plan.. So here I am I need you to do what I cannot do for myself.

My health is declining, My doctor reccommends that I move to someplace flatter. And I've taken the first hard steps. I gave away my dog Trixi.
Paul has paid a ticket for my brother to come up and help me pack up everything and store it at Paul's apartmemnt until I find a place to live on my own.
It is my wish that each of you will take heed and live safer lives than I did. If you are feeling ill get help quickly and don't let them shuffle you off to someoome else. I've been passed from one specialist to another and for nothing. Now I don't know if I can live alone.
Don't feel sorry for me. God is at the helm once again. bye. I will be available till about June 20th. E-mail me if you want to talk....Dawn

Re: Goodbye for a while
Posted by Rhonda on Wed May 22 01:22:40 2002 (#3240)

You know that I'm always here for you my dear
friend. I will be praying for you and I hope you
find a nice place to live. If you get in a new
place before your birthday or before, say, the
middle of June, let me know so I won't send your
birthday package to your old address. Just drop me
a postcard or something. I'll for sure want to be keeping in touch with you. You are one of my
best friends and I pray your health will improve.
Love you always and forever,
Rhonda

Re: Goodbye for a while
Posted by KAT on Wed May 22 03:32:23 2002 (#3246)

DAWN! I hope you read this!

Im not sure if I ever gave you my home address from the hospital.
Ill e-mail you.
Im sorry you've had to take those hard steps but I , like you, know that it is all going to happen for a reason.
Please please keep in touch, you were my only hope for a while! A long while.
your also a great freind, and a wonderful person.

Take care of yourself if nothing else
I love you always
*hugs*
KAT

Bad Night...losing hope.
Posted by Nicke on Wed May 22 11:49:23 2002 (#3259)

Last night was really bad for me. I couldn't function properly. Didn't have the enrgy to get up from under my duvet where I was curled up in a ball sobbing.

I smashed my mirror, why? because it showed my hideous, disgraceful reflection.

how do I feel? I am in a black room, black because it is dark, but it has no door, (that went ages ago) all it has is a small window at the very top of the long, high walls.

Every day the window is getting smaller as my hope for happiness disappears. Now all that is left of the window is a small hole, it is getting smaller every minute.

Every thing is an effort...I feel so heavy...like it is weighing me down...

Last night when everything was falling to pieces around me, I phoned for someone (I live on my own, and have no family/friends) but there was no-one there.

Eventually Diane, my support worker, phoned, then she turned up with the caretaker of my flats, so that she could get in.

I can't see past today, the light at the end of my tunnel has gone out and I can't be ARSED looking for it.

I always compare how I feel now to how I felt last year, I always said it wasn't as bad, that it could never be that bad, Now it is worse. Worse because it is a different kind of feeling, the magnitude is greater...

Thought I would get it off my chest...need someone to hold me...

Nicke.X

Re: Bad Night...losing hope.
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 22 14:21:33 2002 (#3261)

awwww hunni im sorry your feeling so low. yeah sometimes it helps to just vent off and let it all out hun...i mean hell i do it all the time!!

you may live on oyur own girl but everyone heres your friend and we are all here. hope you feel better soon hunni :-)

(((HUG)))

take care xxx

Re: Bad Night...losing hope.
Posted by KAT on Wed May 22 18:40:10 2002 (#3264)

I always compare how I used to feel to the past aswell because I would never let my depression get as deep as it did almost 2 years ago.
But things change and things might seem worse, I dunno I feel like once it gets to the very bottom, its the turningpoint to start going back up to some sort of happiness.

But again, that isnt always true, Im really sorry your going through I do honestly know what its like.
Theres no words to describe it because you just cant describe that horrible feeling that screams at you every night and day.

All I can say now I guess is get help, or find out what it is thats eating you up so bad you cant get up.
Crying is good...but crying continously is a sign of depression, (Im sure you know all about that so Ill stop).

but yeah..
We've all been there, and we're here to help you out.
*many many hugs*
KAT

Re: Bad Night...losing hope.
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 22 23:28:17 2002 (#3279)

I totally understand the feeling. Sometimes it hurts so bad I can't even move, but I've found that sometimes it helps to have just one thing to hold on to, no matter how small it may seem.
My thing has changed so many times, some of them have been stupid, but all have related to how I felt at the time.
One of them was the tv program buffy the vampire slayer. I would make myself battle on week after week, convincing myself that I HAD to see what happened next. My two things now are She and Stuart, my two best friends and favourite people. I can't give up now, what if I kill myself and tht happens to be the day stuart was going to ask me out?
Ok, I'm not making much sense now am I? What I'm trying to say is find something to focus on and hold onto it with all your might. It doesn't always work, but some days that one trivial thing, as silly as a tv program, might be the difference between life and death.
Take care of yourself. Love always, el x x x

Re: Bad Night...losing hope.
Posted by Vapor on Thu May 23 02:42:26 2002 (#3289)

i know what you mean... i always say im not as bad as i was... but truth is, when i look back at my journals, ive been feeling the SAME for like the past 6-7 years. i mean i always feel that its not as bad as it was and im moving on, but then i feel as if the whole time ive been running forward i havent moved a step. like on a treadmill or something... you run a lot but you dont get anywhere... i dont understand anymore... not that i ever did.
Later, Vapor

Hey there
Posted by Broken Girl on Wed May 22 19:15:00 2002 (#3265)

Hey there
Sometimes I wake up and I'm scared I'm gonna live. I think of my 'happy family' and of my 'supportive friends', I realise that the only people who have ever showed any signs of caring about me are those who have never met me. Those who I met on here, there's no one in the 'real' world, so this must be my real world, where I am the real me, not me that other people want. I know a lot of you talk about feeling complete when you are alone. I don't. When alone I pine for human company, when surrounded by people I feel suffocated and long to be alone. I'm such an ungrateful bitch aren't I?!
But sometimes when I lie alone on my mattress and think; I find that there isn't enough air, I feel like I can't breath. Even with the window open I am suffocating. I feel dizzy when I stand up too. Are these symptoms of anything? Probably not, I'm likely to be overreacting, but don't say go to your doctor, because I can't, mum doesn't want dad to know about all this.
But thank you, you guys have kept this flickering flame of my soul alight through the last few weeks particularly. I know that my suicidal ramblings are boring, (I only ever receive two or three replies), but thank you, I love you all.
Ella x

Re: Hey there
Posted by She on Wed May 22 19:43:38 2002 (#3266)

Helo princess
God i know what you mean i think life is very vert scary and maby thats why we turn to s i and drugz for support . Its a long road and it is gonna be scary along the way but ive started tot hink to myself that were all still pritty young and we have alot of time to change our pasts and presents and learn for them and be stronger from the experiences.
I was just sending an e mail to Jade (who missed you all )and i was talking about how i was not long ago it cant have been much longer the 6 monthes or so that i was being raped at least once a week and i spent a far amoutn of time unconsiouse from drugs ok things may not be perfect and they never will be but i know ive learnt a hell of alot from my experiences and in that respect i dont totaly hate it.
In a way this is a real world i trust you all more then i have truseted n e one ever .It has been at some times my only world .I love you all .
(hurm that was a litte deep sorry)
Hugzz n love
she

Re: Hey there
Posted by She on Wed May 22 19:44:36 2002 (#3267)

Hello look im sending reply post he he he he he he.
Ok im going mad
Love ya
she

look 3 repliyes
Posted by She on Wed May 22 19:45:34 2002 (#3268)

See you do get mor then 2 or 3 repliys for each post.
Still love ou
She

see i sent you 4
Posted by She on Wed May 22 19:46:18 2002 (#3269)

Hurm yep im mad .
Love you more
She

Re: see i sent you 4
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 22 19:56:16 2002 (#3270)

I know exactly what you mean, and don't worry. you aren't missing out on anything by not being able to go to the doctors, they don't do anything about it anyway. I hate being on my own and I hate being with other people. I just hate being.
I love you all so much!!!!! You know that yeah?
My best friends in the world are on this board and as I realised when I tried, I can't live without you!!
Love you soooooo much!
El x x x x
P.s She!!!!!! ((((((((((((HUGGE HUGS!!!)))))))))) You're my angel sweetheart, I looooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeeee you! x x x x

eleanor
Posted by She on Wed May 22 23:02:45 2002 (#3276)

Hello gourgouse
I love to my sweet piccle . I think we should go to a waterfall or a cottage with loads of poppies round it that would be cool .
More ((((((((((((((hugzies))))))))) )))
She

Re: eleanor
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 22 23:07:58 2002 (#3278)

Hey angel!
Yeah I think we should too. I'd love to be anywhere but here at the moment! Just think of all those beautiful red flowers and the relaxing sound of the waterfall, our own little world.
Love you sweetheart!
El x x x x x x x x x x x

Re: Hey there
Posted by KAT on Wed May 22 21:38:50 2002 (#3272)

thats strange, I wrote a poem a long while ago about something you said in the original post.
It sounded like almost exactly what I wrote...something about when I need you your not there and when I want you you wont come. well along the same lines
(ya scary I know my poems)

anyway
Its really difficult sometimes to reply when the person is in so much despair that you really dont know what to say.
especially if you've been there before, but support is always nice.
When people arent face to face they can be nice as anything, but face to face it seems like people hate each other..or me..or you..(in general)

Sorry this post isnt going where I wanted it to.
Well El.. I hope you continue to feel that little bit of flame burning inside you and keeping you here, here with us.

with the unwanted the abused, the people who are so alone..
but not actually.
Take care of yourself.

I hope you make it through this tough time
KAT

Re: Hey there
Posted by Kayleigh on Thu May 23 00:36:07 2002 (#3283)

I get like that sometimes and I'm so mixed up inside I don't know what to do. I drink and self-harm to get out of that rut, but obviously...this is bad. My advice...sleep through it. lol.

Re: Hey there
Posted by Erryn on Thu May 23 01:39:46 2002 (#3288)

i get that way sometime to i hope you feel better, maybe its just we are scared of the outside world? take care xxErryn

Re: Hey there
Posted by Vapor on Thu May 23 02:46:17 2002 (#3290)

it sounds like some kinda anxiety disorder...

anyway, maybe you just arent around the right kinda people. youre not ungrateful if their company does not give you the love, care, and support you need! you'll find true friends and happiness some day... be it in this life or the next!
Later, Vapor

a happy post
Posted by stranger in the night on Wed May 22 20:51:24 2002 (#3271)

A HAPPY POST:

yay!!!! lololololololololololololol!!! ! :-) :-)

i am happy as can be at the moment...i am a hyper little honey beeeeeeee yep thats me!!! lol

i dunno i guess ive just had a really good day you guys....i feel i dunno...alive? maybe?

i duno its strange but ive had such a good day......... WOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

IM A HYPER GAL I AM YAYYYYYYYYY YIPPPPPEEEEEEEE

YIPADIDOOOOOODAHHHH YIPPPAADDIDDDAAAAAYYYYYYYYY

THE SUN HAS GOT HIS HAT ON HIPP HIPP HIPP HOOORRRAAAAAYYYYYY.......

he he lol apologies for my hyperactive mood today but come on guys!? it dont happen that often

take care alllllllllllllllllll xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: a happy post
Posted by KAT on Wed May 22 21:41:23 2002 (#3273)

Hi there..nice post
hehe

I dont want to bring you down from this lovely day, but could this be a manic high? HMM..

well anywho
Im glad you've had such a good day I love it when that happens, which is rarely, you know!?

it feels good..it really does.
take care
*HUGS*
KAT

Re: a happy post
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 22 22:48:47 2002 (#3274)

hey sweetie!!!!!!!
Wow! I wish I could feel that good every once in a while! Try and keep it up!
Love ya,
El x

Re: a happy post
Posted by She on Wed May 22 23:01:18 2002 (#3275)

H eh your funny.
Love you sweetie
She

Re: a happy post
Posted by Kayleigh on Thu May 23 00:33:01 2002 (#3282)

Know what you mean! These drugs I'm on are the bomb!

Right there with you.

Kayleigh *who may be slightly high from taking too many pills*

Re: a happy post
Posted by Erryn on Thu May 23 01:37:13 2002 (#3287)

im glad your days going well i hope there are more to come!!!! take care Erryn

Re: a happy post
Posted by Vapor on Thu May 23 02:47:36 2002 (#3291)

omg, what did you smoke today?

haha

Later, Vapor

Crying, sleeping, drinking, guilt......
Posted by Eleanor on Wed May 22 23:04:33 2002 (#3277)

I can't seem to stop crying at the moment. The stupidest things seem to set me off and then I can't stop. I saw some puppies on a tv commercial the other day and promptly burst into tears, what is that all about? It was a happy advert, the puppys were playing with a toilet roll..what is there to cry about?
I'm so tired as well. I was at work the other day and I fell asleep on the floor. Luckily the only person there was stuart so it was ok, but it's starting to get scary.
I just can't seem to motivate myself to do anything. Last night my mum was drunk again. I had taken myself up to bed to escape the consequences and I could hear her tearing into my little brother. I love my brother, he's the only member of my family who never judges me, he's just there. He's being bullied at school and it's tearing him apart and the last thing he needs is our fucking mother treating him like a verbal punch bag, so I tried to go down to help him. I couldn't move. No matter how hard I tried I could not make any of my limbs work. The only thing I could do was lie there and listen and I hated myself for it. It's like my body is taking revenge on me for doing it so much damage.
I feel so guilty for not being able to help him. I shouldn't have gone to bed in the first place and left her in that state but I couldn't deal with her any more and I thought richard had gone to bed as well but he must have gone down for a drink. When I'm there he doesn't take the shit, I do, and i would have given anything for it to have been me in his place last night instead of him. But it wasn't.
I just feel like giving up. The only reason I'm here is for my brother and if I can't help him then what's the point?
I know I won't give up, I never do, but there are some days I really wish I could and this sure as hell is one of them.

Re: Crying, sleeping, drinking, guilt......
Posted by KAT on Wed May 22 23:45:06 2002 (#3280)

Maybe you're having crying spells?
Don't know...doesn't sound good at all.

I cry about a lot of things, little things like that on tv, Sometimes it just happens but Im not sad about it.
If your sad about it then obviously theres a problem there you know hun?

About your brother,Im so so sorry this is happening to him.
I know exactly how that feels, when me and my brother were getting beat by my parents we had to watch each other get it first. It was bad and I always wished I could take it all for him, but I never said anything. You can help your brother by just beibng there for him, be a friend.
I realized finally now that my brothers are my best friends!!

Life is sooooooo hard! Sometimes I hate it, but I just think about those "good" moments that make all the bad ones seem not so bad.
Take care
KAT

Re: Crying, sleeping, drinking, guilt......
Posted by Erryn on Thu May 23 01:36:13 2002 (#3286)

hey girl, dont worry im sure it will get better for you at least i hope. i am thinking about you and love ya!!Erryn

Re: Crying, sleeping, drinking, guilt......
Posted by Vapor on Thu May 23 02:52:00 2002 (#3292)

im very sorry... i cant say i know what its like to live with a parent who drinks, but my dad was a drug addict.... so a little the same? its not your fault to protect your brother... dont feel bad. there isnt anything you could have done... they are the adults, they are supposed to know better.
Later, Vapor

Re: Crying, sleeping, drinking, guilt......
Posted by Nicke on Thu May 23 12:07:59 2002 (#3294)

I can empathise with you on that front.

I lived at home where I was being emotionally, and physically abused for years. I told myself the only reason that I stayed there was because of my little sister.

Vanessa was my world, I saw that I could protect her from the life I had to endure, that it would somehow make my life worthwhile.

The only problem was that I was neglecting myself. I learned that in order to give everything to my sister I had to feel good in myself.

I eventually moved out. This is drastic, I know, but what I mean is that sometimes you have to do things for YOU sometimes, because this will make you stronger and put you in a better position to help you brother.

Stay strong, Nicke.XX

Re: Crying, sleeping, drinking, guilt......
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu May 23 16:06:54 2002 (#3297)

awwww eleanor (((HUGGY WUGGY)))

im sorry oyu are feeling so low........ i know how it feels....sometimes you just want to give up dont ya??

about your brother............ i know how it feels to have the responsibility of looking after your younger siblings. ive ben doing that for a very long time...protecting my sister from all the shit....... and sometimes i feel sooooo down that i want to end my life.....and i have tried as you know. but now i know i wont cuz all i think about whenever i feel down is my sister and how i cant give up cuz she neds me.......... keep thinking about your brother eleanor chuck and how much he must love you and how much you love him....thatll keep you going

geeeesh was that soppy shit or what?? sorry my reply isnt that brill today but i tried!!

hope you feel better soon hunni i love ya xxx

Re: Crying, sleeping, drinking, guilt......
Posted by She on Thu May 23 16:23:18 2002 (#3300)

Huggly???

Nyuh people i fail to understand them .
You sholud smock cava cava it helps you to sleep at the right time allthough i know your office floor is comfy you would probably get better sleep in a bed floting on a blue river being carried down it with trees each side of the river and little fairies humming led zeppalin songs to you and then when you come to our beautiful waterfall you drift of into the sky and sleep by the moon.
Loave you forever
She

Re: Crying, sleeping, drinking, guilt......
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 23 17:24:11 2002 (#3306)

Hi
I don't know why I'm here really. I have days like that. But I've given up many times before. Many failed suicide attempts, many useless hopeless days. Dont feel guilty. The same thing happened to me the other day. My mum started screaming at my brother, calling him useless and stupid the same way she has only ever reserved for me up untill now. I lay on my bed crying. I felt the voices echoe inside me the way they used to with her and dad. But I couldnt get up. I hated myself for that, but Joe has survived, just like you will.
Ella x

Just need to talk
Posted by KAT on Wed May 22 23:51:58 2002 (#3281)

This time last year..I mean this exact! week last year I was in the hospital over a suicide attempt.

It's wierd how I can't remember my family members exact death dates or the date of my brothers birthdays but I can pinpoint how I felt on the exact date that I tried to commit suicide.

I guess for those of you who are still stuck in those deep deep holes of depression, Im kind of proof that it gets better.
I tried to commit suicide officially twice, and once accidently which ..well it wasnt so good.

I thought the world was over, those of you who knew me back then might remember how distressed I was. I cried, I hurt so much my heart ached everyday I couldnt even breath.

but now Im so much better, I havent SI'd in a long time now, I feel alright. Things are okay in my family, and I've learned to leave the past in the past. I mean yeah I still have bad days, but none how they were before.

I was basically depressed my entire life, I mean with my parents beating the shit out of me, telling me I was nothing and all that kind of stuff.
Death..I mean normal life stressors plus 10!

But now things are good..Things DO GET BETTER!
I promise, dont know when or how long, but if you think they can then they will eventually.
take care all
*hugs*
KAT

Re: Just need to talk
Posted by Kayleigh on Thu May 23 00:37:47 2002 (#3284)

I remember the anniversary of my attempt. I get kinda low then, 'cause I made a fool out of myself. Things do get better. I'm not speaking from experience because things have got worse for me, but I'm confident they will improve.

Re: Just need to talk
Posted by Erryn on Thu May 23 01:34:27 2002 (#3285)

thanks i need hope!!!!! xxxErryn

Re: Just need to talk
Posted by Vapor on Thu May 23 02:57:24 2002 (#3293)

hey, that was very encouraging. thank you.

its wierd how those few dates stick in your head...
march 11 first time i was raped
august 27 first time i cut
june 23 the time i tried to commit suicide

they all happened in different years, but everytime those dates roll around it makes me remember... and makes me glad life moves on no matter what, cause you are right. things get better.
Later, Vapor

Re: Just need to talk
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu May 23 16:09:50 2002 (#3298)

thankyou xxx

its good to here of a success story.....n not cutting for ages.......hats off to ya!!!!!!

take care xxx

oh and yeah im like you for that........i can remember all stuff with me exact dates of particular days i didnt want to remember but family birthdays etc etc......not a chance in hell!!! i just forget lol

Re: Just need to talk
Posted by She on Thu May 23 16:27:45 2002 (#3301)

wierd
i cant remember many dats but i know the first time i was raped was
16 july (my birthday)
And my brother gave up heroin on 10 May
thats my 2 dates .
thanx for that it we need hope sometimes
Loads of love and happy thourghts
She

Re: Just need to talk
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 23 17:18:50 2002 (#3305)

Hi
Its good to know some get through it.
I dont really remember dates at all, not even the date I started cutting, I remember everything about that day but I cant remember the date...
I'm glad you've found happiness!
Ella x

Re: Just need to talk
Posted by Eleanor on Thu May 23 17:31:06 2002 (#3308)

I can never remember dates. Everything seems such a blur to me all the time that days and dates merge into one huge nightmare. Sorry, I'm being depressing aren't I?
It's so good to know that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel and that people can get through this.
Thank you for all the help you've given me, it really makes a difference sometimes.
Love always, el x

Re: Just need to talk
Posted by Nicke on Fri May 24 10:20:15 2002 (#3342)

That is so encouraging to know that things get better, I got better but fell again...I guess that is gonna happen alot but I have to be strong.

It helps to here that it isn't soooo bad!!!

Thanx

Anniversary
Posted by Nicke on Thu May 23 12:16:42 2002 (#3295)

Next wednesday is the anniversary of my twin sister's death.

She died tragically young 18 years ago. We were only 11 weeks old. My heart breaks when I think about it.

All my life growing up I have had my mum telling me that it should have been me that had died and not Claire, or the wrong twin was dead.

Now I kind of feel that with all the mess I have made of my life then maybe Claire would have made a better job of life had she been given the chance to. However I was given the chance and only managed to F**K things up.

I will go and visit her grave but I know I will be the only one in the family that does. I wish I was the 'forgotten twin'. I wish I could forget about myself.

Nicke

Re: Anniversary
Posted by kae on Thu May 23 14:03:54 2002 (#3296)

Hey girl...

Thats so sad.....what a hellish feeling to live with.
Do you believe in fate? I do. It was your sister's fate to die so young, and your fate to live. There are no "what ifs" with fate...everything that happens is destined to happen.

"If" your sister had been the one who'd lived, chances are your parents would have said the same things to her about who should have died.
You are living the life that was given to you....your sister lived the life that was given to her. Thats why life sucks at times....its not fair at all. But its a set thing....nobody and nothing can change it.

It will get better though, as KAT said...

You sound like a great person anyway...

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: Anniversary
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu May 23 16:15:01 2002 (#3299)

awww hunni im sorry about that.........it must be so hard hering that shit!!! because thats what it is nicke....shit! neither one of you deserved to die but unfortunately your twin did and you survived. you have a lot going for you hun and although you dont think it now......it will get better i know it will. and visit your sisters grave...........if thats what you want to do. she maybe forgotten in other peoples lives but she certainly isnt forgotten in yours and shell probably be looking down on ya right now hun...saying " if she carries on being so down on herself im gunna come n kick her ass!" or something like that anyways lol

take care hunni xxx

Re: Anniversary
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 23 17:13:55 2002 (#3304)

Hi
My mum had an abortion when she first got pregnant, she tells me that when she looks at me she thinks of the child she lost, this makes me wish that she'd aborted me instead, I've f**cked up, but don't feel like it should have been you. Fate says it wasnt and there is a reason for everything.
Ella x

Re: Anniversary
Posted by Eleanor on Thu May 23 17:25:39 2002 (#3307)

hey.
My little brother died and nobody ever visits his grave, they won't even tell me where it is. I sometimes wish that I had died instead but I can't change what has happened.
I wish there was a simple answer to why these things happen, one that would make it feel better, but as far as I can see there isn't.
Just remember that as long as you continue to visit your twins grave and YOU remember her then she is not the forgotten twin. You obviously loved her very much and one person who remembers and cares as much as you do is worth more than a thousand people whose hearts aren't in it.
take care of yourself sweetheart and please rememeber that you DID survive and you have to keep on surviving, if not for anything else then for the memory of your twin.
Love always, el x

Thanx Guys
Posted by Nicke on Thu May 23 17:53:41 2002 (#3310)

Thanx guys, it is so good to have people that understand...

I sometimes think that maybe I should live on to do US, me and Claire justice.

Also, I think that I should live 'inspite' of my mum and all the stories about being to far gone to get an abortion, and the fact that she was actually on the pill when she fell pregnant...

It is good to know that people care though...

Re: Anniversary
Posted by Rhonda on Fri May 24 02:03:26 2002 (#3325)

I'm sorry about your sister. But what a horrible
thing to say to your own child.Could be your mother has never gotten over the death, I know it
would be unbearable if one of my kids died. Did
she ever get any kind of professional help to deal
with that? If not, I'm sure it still upsets her
and since you've been cutting, it's like one child
is dead and the other is probably trying to kill
herself.(Not that you are trying to do that!) It
would torment me to no ends trying to figure out
what I did wrong. I will say a pray for you and for your mother. If you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care of yourself.
LOve, Rhonda

Re: Anniversary
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 24 07:24:56 2002 (#3331)

im sorry.
im glad you are here.
there is a reason you were given life... just hang in there long enough to find it!
i know you must be destined for something great.
Later, Vapor

Rhonda...
Posted by Nicke on Fri May 24 09:44:45 2002 (#3336)

My mum also suufers from depression and has bulemia...

I don't live at home anymore, but it is only recently, (after 2 years) I am talking to here again. Also it is only now that she is getting the help that she needs.

I don't hate her anymore because I understand about pushing those that love you away when you are depressed...

It still hurts though...

Re: Rhonda...
Posted by Rhonda on Sat May 25 04:35:10 2002 (#3352)

I'm glad to hear she is getting help and that you
have started talking again. When parents and kids
don't talk, bad things happen. I know that for a
fact. Tara and I started talking almost too late,
but I'm so happy we got to her early. I know a lot
of people here don't have the help like Tara did,
but I want everyone to know that I do really care
about each and every one of you. Tara's problems
just motivated me to get involved, even if it is
just by giving advice. Please let me know how
things are going. I'm always around to write to you. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

what can I do???
Posted by Dee on Thu May 23 16:45:40 2002 (#3302)

This is the first step for me, I'm 17 an have been cutting myself for about 5 years and have never told my parents and have never been to see anyone. Sure some of my friends know but they can't understand I don't think that their not trying to understand it's just they CAN'T. I can't always say why I cut myself because I don't always know myself. I feel like a pupett I can't stop myself from doing it, but I do want to, it's just the only way I can deal with my problems. I feel so alone and the lowest I've felt in a long time. What can I do and can anyone REALLY help?

Re: what can I do???
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 23 17:10:10 2002 (#3303)

Hi
This board helps. Talking helps. I can help if you want, you can always email me, my mum knows about the cutting but she ignores it so she might as well be in the dark about it all... I'm in therapy, that helps, but I cant go on any anti-depressents until Im 16, my mum wont give permission. But I'm always here if you want to talk,
Ella PS Welcome to the board!

Re: what can I do???
Posted by Eleanor on Thu May 23 17:36:34 2002 (#3309)

Hi. I'm in therapy and on anti depressants, that helps if you get the right medication for you and a good therapist who you can trust, it's not easy to find them but it's worth a try. This board helps me loads as well. The same offer goes for me as well, if you ever want to talk then you can always email me.
Take care, lots of love, el x

Congratulations!!
Posted by Nicke on Thu May 23 20:28:34 2002 (#3311)

Congratulations on taking the first step...if you don't feel ready to get any other help right now that is cool, you can just vent on this board.

But if you are thinking about getting some help then the doctor could be a good start. They might suggest therapy, counselling, or medication.

There are other options available though, I am going to try a 'Stress Pack' from the doctor because I find it difficult to talk to people about my problems.

I will let you all know how that goes.

But really, go with what you feel is best for you. People can only help if you want them to...

Stay strong. Nicke.XX

Re: what can I do???
Posted by KAT on Thu May 23 20:30:37 2002 (#3312)

You've cut since you were 5 and your parents still don't know.
Wow..Im sorry, your parents must not be involved in your life.
Mine werent, only when they were abusing me but they knew I cut like a year after I started.

Anyway, obviously your parents arent there to support you so you need to find some kind of outside help or peace.
Thats important in stopping.
I was like you, No! I really was..I was addicted to it, it took over my life, everyday..I guess I was obsessed with cutting and my body was obsessed to being abused..you know?
Thats very hard to break, and after 12 years for you..Im not sure how difficult it can be.
I only had been cutting* for about 2 years and I could NOT stop on my own.
I got help, I got medicine to control it also.

I suppose you can try alternatives(running, writing, distract yourself)
but those dont always work.
You need to find something personal to you and focus in on that.
for me for a while it was writing, I wrote when I wanted to cut and it helped a whole lot!
take care
-KAT

Re: what can I do???
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 24 07:28:19 2002 (#3332)

Nobody can really help until you decide to help yourself first. i know it sounds cliche but its true. once you decide to dedicate yourself to improving your life and getting real help, professional help, nobody is going to be able to do anything. i think coming here and admitting that you need to change is the first step. self-harm boards can be a great place to go for support but just remember that they are not a substitute for a professional therapist.
Later, Vapor

poem
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu May 23 20:39:49 2002 (#3313)

When you are feeling this tired
You can't even sleep
When you feel this dispirited
You can't even cry
You feel like you are dead
So you don't want to breathe
Just gaze at this blackening sky

When you're thinking this much
You can't even reflect
When you're feeling this angry
You can't even hate
You feel so much detachment
Yet you have so much love
All you get is too little too late

When you're shouting this loud
But no one is listening
So you carry on screaming
But still nobody hears
So you go to that blade
You know none are watching
So you cry your claret tears

Re: poem
Posted by KAT on Thu May 23 20:49:35 2002 (#3314)

that was very good.
you've posted a lot of great poems.

I look for books about self injury and stuff..Id love to read a poem book written by a self injurer.

Thatd be cool if you made one, or compiled..something.
:D
KAT

Re: poem
Posted by Nicke on Thu May 23 20:52:01 2002 (#3315)

That was very good. It says alot about how people are feeling, well I can only speak for me really but I did like that.

It is good that people find other ways of coping...I only ever wrote one poem, I showed it to somebody and cried because I had frightened them...not the reaction I was expecting!!!LOL!!!

Keep writing...Nicke.XX

Re: poem
Posted by Kayleigh on Fri May 24 02:16:20 2002 (#3329)

Poems from our experiences and feelings are the best kind. Harmer's poem's are usually so deep and honest. Yours is no exception. Loved it.

Re: poem
Posted by She on Fri May 24 16:24:39 2002 (#3343)

wow
I stil cant gt over your amazing poems you so good .
Love you forever
She

Re: poem
Posted by Eleanor on Fri May 24 22:48:24 2002 (#3348)

that was amazing, but they always are :-)
I can remember a time when you were telling me that your poems were no good! Keep writing hun, I love ya loads. el x

Kat
Posted by Nicke on Thu May 23 20:55:24 2002 (#3316)

Have you been succesful in finding any books about self injury??

I am also very interested in reading about different experiences and stuff...Do you suggest anything...

Nicke.X

Re: Kat
Posted by KAT on Thu May 23 21:10:47 2002 (#3317)

yep. I have a few...and others I just read in book stores. heres the one's I own
Women who hurt themselves
author:Dusty Miller
this book is alright

Cutting
author:Steven Levenkron
Ive heard mixed reviews on this book, but I liked it.
when I first read it it made me cry bc I was very depressed at the time, and what he was explaining was exactly how I acted and felt.
and then I have
Bodily Harm
By Karen Conterio and Wendy Lader
they run a program called SAFE and I had the priviledge to go there which really changed my life as far as cutting goes.
This book is the most helpful, it has activites and other things for you to try.

Theres not a ton of books out there but there are a bunch more then I listed.
skin games
Um..the rest arent coming to me now.
theres links to all the books
just look up self injury books or something like that if you can.
Ill try and find the link
:)
KAT

Links
Posted by KAT on Thu May 23 21:18:03 2002 (#3318)

http://www.dr izzle.com/~llama/book.html

I hope these work..
if not try and copy and paste them into your internet search

http://www.sasian. org/books/si.htm

http://w ww.mhsanctuary.com/books/smboo ks.htm

http ://www.selfinjury.freeserve.co .uk/books.html

yes..I am bored
:D

KAT

another
Posted by KAT on Fri May 24 00:00:27 2002 (#3322)

I also have bodies under seige

this is more about cultural body motification and mutilation.
yet it also involves SI..this one has a few pictures.
KAT

Re: another
Posted by Nicke on Fri May 24 09:41:38 2002 (#3335)

Thanx for that, I shall be visiting the library at the weekend.

I have also read about the programme called SAFE on the internet, and found the BUS board, Bodies Under Siege....

Thanx again.

Thanks!
Posted by Dee on Thu May 23 21:35:11 2002 (#3319)

Thanks for the advice on getting help, guess the hard thing now is listening or should I say having the guts to take that advice. It's great to know that there are people out there who can give you advice but who really know how your feeling! It's funny I now know after 5 years that i really do want to stop but I'm so frightened of stopping cause this is all I've know of how to deal with my feelings and my life!
So thanks for the advice it's great to know people are out there.

Re: Thanks!
Posted by Nicke on Fri May 24 10:07:46 2002 (#3337)

No probs hunny...just post when you need something or you could just email me anytime

Stay strong, Nicke.XX

jus a poem
Posted by laura on Thu May 23 23:09:05 2002 (#3320)

Nothing To Gain

slowly decaying, decomposing
rotting in my head
i take a blade and slash my skin
now the blood is shed

shared with the darnkness and my pain
this secret hate i own
the silence overshadows me
my thoughts are so unknown

what a disappointment
failure is my name
why all this suffering?
why play this hurtfull game?

im so sick and tired and hurt
all i feel is pain
trapped inside this living hell
with nothing left to gain!

i wrote it a couple of days ago so i thought id post it, plz dont laugh, urs are all REALLY good! Keep it up and keep posting! Love Laura xxx

Re: jus a poem
Posted by KAT on Fri May 24 00:01:55 2002 (#3323)

Both your poems were very Nice.

Graphic..but hey..it's real
:)

KAT

Re: jus a poem
Posted by Kayleigh on Fri May 24 02:13:47 2002 (#3328)

It's is my opinion that true art is from the heart...real...and honest. Your poem is. I think it's beautiful (in a dark way, but hey, that's my thing)

Don't we harmers make brilliant poets? *g*

Kayleigh

Re: jus a poem
Posted by Nicke on Fri May 24 10:09:47 2002 (#3338)

There is no need to laugh, I though it was really good...very graphic, but it is always good to get you feelings out, if that is on paper or by talking, drawing whatever it is always really good...

Nicke

Re: jus a poem
Posted by Eleanor on Fri May 24 22:45:58 2002 (#3347)

another good one. I write loads, it helps me to make sense of some things, or at least to let out things I can't talk about. there's nothing to laugh about! Love always, el x

and anutha 1
Posted by laura on Thu May 23 23:19:45 2002 (#3321)

hehe sorry, i was on a roll...sorry to bore u all!

FoRcEd SuIcIdE

Weak,
trembling murmur gasps.
Hurt,
and fear is all that lasts.
Pushing,
away from everything old.
Locked
and chained in a memory too cold.

Holding,
so tightliy to the one thing she needs.
Terrorfied,
and anxious, one day he may leave.
Tortured,
and taunted by the demons inside.
Unbareable
pain, forced suicide!

ok well thats it for now, thanx and take care u guys, love LaUrA xxxxx

Re: and anutha 1
Posted by Kayleigh on Fri May 24 02:19:05 2002 (#3330)

Wow...that's kinda like a song. Really sad. I love reading poems. Wish I could write as well as you guys.

Kayleigh

Re: and anutha 1
Posted by Nicke on Fri May 24 10:10:47 2002 (#3339)

anutha gud un!!

Re: and anutha 1
Posted by Eleanor on Fri May 24 22:44:08 2002 (#3346)

that was really good. it would sound great put to music