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Threads 726 to 750

no more!!
Posted by jennyfer on Fri May 24 02:01:29 2002 (#3324)

hay guys i think this is it...i think i'm really gonna not cut myself anymore...i don't think it's worth hurting all the people that i love...i mean there's other ways to deal with all this bullshit that life throws at me...i've tried and failed many times in the past but i think i'm ready to stop for reals this time...it's not just hurting me it's hurting all those around me...i can't bare to see them like this anymore...all the pain and suffering that we've put each other through...i mean it's just...i dunno..it's like they hurt me and then i hurt myself ten times worse that's not the way it should be i mean the morning comes and i ask myself is life worth livng...should i kill myself and...no i shouldn't...i wanna feel relief and i figure i have to be alive to FEEL it...so yeah i'm ready to stop for good...i'll let you guys know how it all goes

Re: no more!!
Posted by Kayleigh on Fri May 24 02:11:43 2002 (#3327)

Do it! You know it's right...stick to it. Throw out the things you use to cut and tell yourself its over. Find other ways to vent your pain/anger/whatever 'cause the moment you know you're stopping is the moment you need to make these adjustments.

Okay, enough advice from the girl who keeps failing.

kayleigh.

Re: no more!!
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 24 07:30:27 2002 (#3333)

hey congrats. i hope it works out for you.
Later, Vapor

Re: no more!!
Posted by Nicke on Fri May 24 10:13:16 2002 (#3340)

I think that it is a really good step you are taking...

just remember that if you do have a relapse then it is not so bad and everyone is still here to help you... Not that you will, but if you do...

Congratulations girl.......

Nicke

Re: no more!!
Posted by Eleanor on Fri May 24 22:43:04 2002 (#3345)

That's great!! I really hope it works out for you! I wish I could. Love always, el x

Re: no more!!
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 25 12:12:04 2002 (#3359)

Hi
I'm glad you feel you can! I wish I could too,
Ella x

Need to vent...
Posted by Kayleigh on Fri May 24 02:09:20 2002 (#3326)

Hey, told my mom today. She almost forced it outta me. I'm so scared she's gonna interfere now. I just want to be left alone. I'm happy locking myself in my room. I don't want to be around people. I only cut when someone upsets me or I get stressed from work or uni. I'm happy online and watching movies and that stuff...maybe it doesn't make for a life, but if I'm happy...

I get the feeling my life will change a lot now. Shit, I don't like this. I wish I could get some sort of disorder so I can act how I want without people judging me. I feel like I have so much anger and madness inside that to vent it would be a relief. I just can't...

I'm gonna write a poem now. On the spot. Just 'cause I'm bored. And it's kinda becoming a theme.

Locked inside me, breaking free,
Is the person hurting me.
The person who makes me feel this way,
The person who makes me hurt all day.

In my head, someone is pounding,
Always screaming, always hounding.
Wanting more than I can give,
Telling me I shouldn't live.

Sometimes I wonder, who is real?
The person inside, who cannot feel,
Or the person outside, who talks and sees,
How can I deal with all these me's?

Anyway, enough rant...
Kayleigh.

Re: Need to vent...
Posted by Vapor on Fri May 24 07:32:47 2002 (#3334)

im glad you felt comfortable to tell your mom. considering i have about the worst relationship in the whole world, my mom finding out about my cutting is by far the worst imaginable thing that has or ever could happen.
Later, Vapor

Re: Need to vent...
Posted by Nicke on Fri May 24 10:17:24 2002 (#3341)

Have you ever tried talking to your doctor...your mum doesn't have to know cos your obviously over 16...They could refer you to a counsellor or prescribe you medication.

Just a question...Are you REALLY happy this way or have you just come to think that your life can't get any better, so you have accepted it this way??

I am still trying to answer that question...

Stay strong, Nicke.XX

Re: Need to vent...
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat May 25 01:43:09 2002 (#3351)

I am happy...everyone thinks I'd be happier living in the real world but the real world made me cut in the first place. I haven't cut for weeks because I've quit uni and one of my jobs and I stay in my room most of the time. Plus the meds I'm on are making me happy.

But i get your point...I wish I knew. Maybe I just think I'm happy...but don't know it...oooh, that's kinda scary! Maybe when I go see this psychatric nurse, they'll help me out there.

Thanks,
Kayleigh

Re: Need to vent...
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 25 12:10:11 2002 (#3358)

Hi
Thats exactly how I feel, there are a lot of different versions of me inside me. Some only feel anger a pain, some can feel hope but they spend a lot of time in the quiet room so I don't see them much. I dont think Ive got a multiple personality disorder cuz I know about them all, they are just inside me, clinging... Sorry, I don't expect anyone can understand that, oh well. But anyway Im glad your happy. The day my mum found out was the worst day in my life. She made me tell her everything, she humiliated me. Once she knew she just left me, she doesnt want to know any more. But hopefully your mum will be better then mine.
Ella x

Same Old Song
Posted by LOST on Fri May 24 20:39:09 2002 (#3344)

I haven't been here in forever and a year... but i decided to drop by and say hi and post a poem. (quick question... the LAURA on this board... is that the Laura that I know from back in the days?)

Same Old Song
by: Lost
1-6-02

Innocence lost
No one seems to care
Not allowed to show hurt
Mask the pain that's there

Over 19 years
I've been on the run
THere's no use in hiding
The damage was done

Thought it was over
Thought no more pain
If I express what I feel
People think me insane

I try to no avail
It all came crashing down
The queen of self-pity
I wear the crown

They say "get over it"
"Not a big deal"
They can't even fathom
This aching I feel

I try to express it
They tell me I'm wrong
All they see is me singing
The same old song

Don't want your pity
Don't feel sorry for me
A child at heart
THat's all I want you to see

Cradle me closely
Tell me it'll be alright
Bring some light to my tunnel
I'm so scared of this night

ok thats my poem that i wrote a long time ago :)

Re: Same Old Song
Posted by KAT on Fri May 24 23:15:30 2002 (#3349)

I really liked this one.

I mean everyones poems people post here are very good..
but this one I REALLY liked.
:)
KAT

Re: Same Old Song
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 25 12:04:11 2002 (#3357)

Hi
Your poem is SOOOOOOOO good! I loved it!
Ella x

Re: Same Old Song
Posted by laura on Fri May 24 23:50:17 2002 (#3350)

thas a reasly gud poem, sorry im drunk! But its really gud, keep it up! love laiura xxxxxxx

Re: Same Old Song
Posted by Vapor on Sun May 26 00:17:54 2002 (#3366)

i like it a lot.
thanks for posting it.
Later, Vapor

Re: Same Old Song
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 12:06:34 2002 (#3400)

That was beautiful...

One question...are you the LOST that started to post as I was leaving early last year???

Nicke..

Re: Same Old Song
Posted by LOST on Tue May 28 17:19:03 2002 (#3491)

awwww!!!!! thank you guys for liking my poem! I didn't think anyone would give a shit about it! I feel special now :)

I found it!
Posted by wallflower on Sat May 25 05:27:29 2002 (#3353)

Hi everyone. I don't know if anyone remembers me at all. I was going to the old message board a way long time ago. I had it bookmarked and didn't go to the rest of the site much, so when it stopped working I just figured my computer was messed up again. Anyway, I found this lovely message board and thought some of the names sounded familiar . . . and you guys are talking about the same subject. Yay!

Oh, by the way, I started cutting about 2 years ago, but didn't start doing it regularly until last November. Umm . . . I'm going to a therapist tommorow morning. I haven't met her before and it's been at least a year since I last went to one. My mom found out that I cut because an email that was meant for me, and mentioned it, accidentally got transferred to her account. She promised not to tell my dad or anyone else, but I have to see a therapist. I thought that was fair because I know she's worried, so I didn't fight her on it at all. . . Yeah, okay, that's enough about me. I just wanted to say hello.

I found it too!
Posted by Elf on Sat May 25 06:24:32 2002 (#3354)

Ah ha! i was pretty new on the old message board, and so i don't know if anyone here remembers me either. but i remember you wallflower! hehehe
i'm glad i've got the new board's address now.

uh, a little about me... i cut off and on, like i'll do it a lot for a while and then stop and then do it a lot again... but oh well

hello to everyone

Re: I found it too!
Posted by wallflower on Sat May 25 06:27:55 2002 (#3355)

I love you Elf! My message was getting all lonely just sitting there all alone. Hehehehe, now it has two friends. Yay.

Sorry everybody. I can get very annoying sometimes. I'll try not to.

Re: I found it too!
Posted by Elf on Sat May 25 06:31:54 2002 (#3356)

here, now it has a 3rd friend... its having a quaint get-together hehehe

i'm annoying too, don't worry :D

Re: I found it too!
Posted by Eleanor on Sat May 25 18:58:49 2002 (#3361)

I don't think either of you are annoying, you should hear me and She when we get started!!! hehe! I think I remember both of you actually, your names sound familiar!
Loadsa love, el x

Re: I found it!
Posted by Vapor on Sun May 26 00:21:35 2002 (#3367)

hi, dont think we've met but hey. good luck with the therapist.
Later, Vapor

my therapy appointment
Posted by wallflower on Sun May 26 01:50:15 2002 (#3371)

Thanks. My therapist actually seems very nice. My mom stayed in the room for part of the time and explained the whole background of what was going on and stuff. After that she talked to just me and asked about what triggers, etc. She also talked about what the goals of the therapy should be. All in all she was very nice. I hope that she won't turn out to be just as stupid as the last time. I already made it clear that cutting is not a response to my parent's divorce, so at least she won't focus on that as much as my last one did.

Re: I found it!
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 12:09:32 2002 (#3401)

Glad you found the address...

Good luck with the therapy appoinment, or if you read this after your appointment then I hope it went well...

Nicke.X

Anti-social
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat May 25 12:21:06 2002 (#3360)

Hi
I cant be around people any more. I alienate myself at school. I hide from my family. I stay in my room and refuse to come out cuz I cant handle being around people anymore. If I go into any room with a lock on then I will lock it. But I think what is worse then people is people's voices. They grate at me, leaving me raw and pained. I cant stand shouting anymore. There are too many memories. I even have trouble watching some TV programmes, all I see is people hurting each other. People cheating and shouting and hurting. Whats wrong with me? Am I losing it? Its like theres a bubble around me preventing me from ever getting close to people. Sometimes I wish this bubble would just harden into a hard comforting box. Then I could tell people what I think about them and they couldnt get me. What the hell am I on about? Boxes and bubbles... rooms in my head and people inside me... am I losing it? I love this board. At least this board is silent and nobodies shouting. I'm sorry this post makes no sense.
Ella x

Re: Anti-social
Posted by Eleanor on Sat May 25 19:01:55 2002 (#3362)

Hey baba.
It's the noise that I hate most. I remember the first time I cut, everyone in my house was shouting at the top of their voice, mostly at me. It was like something snapped inside of me, I couldn't take it anymore. Well the rest is history, but it did make sense. A box would be very nice!
Love you girl!! Is your email working yet? I miss you!
Big hugs!!!! El x

Re: Anti-social
Posted by Vapor on Sun May 26 00:24:33 2002 (#3368)

(((((((((((Ella)))))))))))
i know how you feel. i savor the moments when i can spend the whole day just hiding under my covers all day all alone. every little thing is a trigger sometimes. hang in there!
Later, Vapor

Re: Anti-social
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 12:14:10 2002 (#3402)

I am soooooo sorry that your are feeling this way... I hope posting your thoughts and feelings on the board helps...

You are not losing it...I feel like that sometimes...You are jut not letting people in because I guess you are scared they will hurt you.

Maybe someday you will learn (don't mean to sound patronising) that not everybody is out to hurt you.

Also, remember that no body can love you until you love yourself. You need to see the good points in you and stop focusing on the bad...

(((((((((HUGZ)))))))))

Hope you get better hunny...remember if posting helps then post as many as you like...or you could just email me anytime ans I will reply....

Stay strong, Nicke.XX

She
Posted by Eleanor on Sat May 25 19:10:15 2002 (#3363)

She baba, are you ok?
I'm kinda worried bout you, I'm probably being silly but I've just got a bad feeling. Just let me know you're alright yeah?
Love you loads princess!
El x x x

The Chat
Posted by KAT on Sat May 25 22:17:49 2002 (#3364)

does anyone ever go into it?
I remember when this place first opened there were a lot of people in it, now there's never anybody.

KAT

Re: The Chat
Posted by Eleanor on Sat May 25 23:25:50 2002 (#3365)

I've been in it once with she, but every other time I've checked to see if there's anyone there it's empty. It's a shame cause it's a good idea.

Re: The Chat
Posted by Vapor on Sun May 26 00:27:11 2002 (#3369)

i tried a few times but noone was there. we should all set a date and time when everyone can go and get tons of people in there!
Later, Vapor

Re: The Chat
Posted by wallflower on Sun May 26 01:54:08 2002 (#3372)

I agree. I went there last night and it was all empty. I thought my computer was malfunctioning. We should definitely start that up.

What isThe Chat?
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 12:30:18 2002 (#3404)

I don't actually know what the CHAT is...could somebody tell me cos I feel knid ov stupid not knowing??

Is this place good??

Nicke.X

Re: What isThe Chat?
Posted by KAT on Mon May 27 17:20:00 2002 (#3420)

when you first eneter this page
ww w.psyke.org

you have a choice to eneter the chat
the self injury forum
and a few other choices
the chat is just where some of us go to chat with each other..faster then posting.

KAT

A place for "people like me".
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 26 00:28:19 2002 (#3370)

I've had a really bad day today. Went shopping for an outfit for this party people are holding for my dad and it was a nightmare, or maybe it wasn't a nightmare for normal people it just was for me.
I was walking round the shops with my mum, little sister and my grandma in a wheelchair and all of a sudden even though we were in the open air I could feel the sides of..well I don't know, it felt like the whole world was closing in on me and I got all claustrophobic and couldn't breath. It felt like all the people around me were staring at me and I could hear all these loud voices in my head talking about me, even though nobody was actually speaking.
Then when we were in the changing rooms my little sister opened the curtains of the cubicle when I was changing and saw the scars on my arms. She stared at me for a while then asked me if I was going to be scarred for life. I just broke down and started crying in the middle of the shop. I'm falling apart.
Now my grandma and my mum want to ship me off to "a place for people like me" where I can "get better". "Don't worry eleanor, we'll come and visit you once a week".
At the moment I don't think things could possibly get any worse. I'm just about ready to get out of this once and for all.

Re: A place for "people like me".
Posted by KAT on Sun May 26 04:28:50 2002 (#3381)

I've been to many "places for people like me" and actually..they don't help unless you want it.

Thats the truth..and if your ready they can make a big difference.

Im sorry you had such an awful time, must of been scary.
Ive experienced things like that before, it got out of hand. Yep
take care

KAT

Re: A place for "people like me".
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 12:34:28 2002 (#3405)

It sounds to me like you had a panic attack...

I used to get them all the time...going into shops, being around people...

I suggest you tell your doctor they can advise you on breathing techniques and things...

Someone has suggested to me that I look into whether or not I have an anxiety disorder, sounds like that may be true for you too, again talk to your doctor.

P.S. I could be wrong but from what you have said it sounds like the way I feel when I do things like go shopping....

Just to let you know that you are not alone and you are not 'going mad'

Stay strong, Nicke.XX

Re: A place for "people like me".
Posted by Rhonda on Mon May 27 18:04:24 2002 (#3429)

I agree with Nicke, sounds like a panic attack.
Please have it checked out. There are some good
medications for that. Email me and let me know
how you are doing. You know I care about you. Oh,
written any more? Take care sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

oh, i'm so relieved
Posted by wallflower on Sun May 26 02:01:21 2002 (#3373)

I've been having tension with my dad for over a year now about the fact that I don't have a job. Last summer he told me that so long as I didn't have a job I would have to spend the time that would have been spent at the job looking for one. To him that meant that I had to spend 20 hours a week job-searching. That was a completely obsurd idea, so I just lied to him and spent 20 hours a week out with my friends. It's not like he could track me. -And yes, I did try talking him out of this stupid idea, but after yelling for an hour I gave up. In any case, I'm really happy and relieved now because I finally have a job! I applied to one place so far this summer. My friend works there, so I just had her get me an application and turn it in for me . . . They called me about a month ago, but I wasn't home, and then they forgot to call back. They called me this morning and asked if I still wanted a job. I did, so they told me to come in tomorrow for orientation. Yay! Take that dad!

Re: oh, i'm so relieved
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 26 03:33:17 2002 (#3378)

thats great! It's always a good feeling to prove your parents wrong

Re: oh, i'm so relieved
Posted by KAT on Sun May 26 04:30:24 2002 (#3382)

congradulations on the job.
take it easy

KAT :)

Re: oh, i'm so relieved
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 12:35:45 2002 (#3406)

Congratulations on the job...well done girl

Nicke

Re: oh, i'm so relieved
Posted by Rhonda on Mon May 27 18:01:51 2002 (#3428)

Congradulations on the job!! It's always nice to
have your own money so you can get whatever you
want. I felt that way when I started working after
I got out of High School years and years ago. Take
care of yourself sweetie, you deserve to be happy!
Love, Rhonda

day 2...
Posted by jennyfer on Sun May 26 02:03:22 2002 (#3374)

yeah it's been two days since i cut last...it's not really bothering me all that much if i don't think about it...i got really pissed off at my mom earlier and wanted to cut so bad but i didn't i just went to sleep...it helped a little...but i guess this is only the begining...well i'll let u guys know how it goes as the days pass

Re: day 2...
Posted by wallflower on Sun May 26 02:14:58 2002 (#3376)

Congrats! Keep strong . . . and yeah, keep us up to date on how it's all going.

Re: day 2...
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 26 03:34:26 2002 (#3379)

keep going!!!!!!!!!

Re: day 2...
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 12:37:32 2002 (#3407)

Well done girl

It does get easier, I stopped for almost 1 year...so yeah as time goes on it gets alit easier.

Just to let you know that we are here to support you.

Re: day 2...
Posted by Rhonda on Mon May 27 17:59:10 2002 (#3427)

Way to go!! Keep us posted on how you are doing.
Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

woo hoo
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sun May 26 03:21:21 2002 (#3377)

hey everyone. i'm just sittin here chillin. doin nuthin. god it's a boring as hell night. well i guess i deserve to have a boring night. i didn't have a good day anyways. i'm really scared though. i haven't cut in a week but i want to really bad right now. i haven't wanted to cut this bad since like when i restarted. the only other person online to talk to won't talk to me cuz he's doin his h/w. yea right. he just doesn't want to talk to me. no one ever does. god people piss me off. i hate people so much. i just try and show them i don't so they think i'm not cutting. well i'm not right now but since my parents found out in march, everyone thinks i'm not cutting anymore. and i didn't for a while but then i just went back to it. it was worse but then i finally stopped. now it's even more worse and i don't want to cut. i don't. i swear but i know i'll end up going back to it. oh well. i guess i'm just being paranoid. anyways.... i hope everyone had a better day than me and take care. <3 ya scaredinthedark

Re: woo hoo
Posted by Eleanor on Sun May 26 03:38:40 2002 (#3380)

hey sweetie. I had a shitty day as well! I'm trying my best not to cut at the moment but i'm not doing so well. I hope you manage to take your mind off it!
Anyways, I'm not really being very helpful at the moment cause things are a mess so I'll shut up now!! :-)
Take care hun! Love always, el x

Re: woo hoo
Posted by KAT on Sun May 26 04:34:09 2002 (#3383)

Yep..I hate when that happens.
The second time I got out of the hospital, everyone thought I wasn't cutting anymore, and in fact it was just getting worse.

Thats a huge burden! especially when people start treating like they dont even care anymore, just because they think your "better"

Take care of yourself
I used to hate people soo much, I became rude and mean to everyone including my family. I was so vengful and it was killing me inside
I guess learning to forgive is harder then it seems

I talk to you on AOL
:)

KAT

Re: woo hoo
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 12:40:02 2002 (#3408)

Anytime you are on line and you feel like no one wants to talk to you then just email me...if you want to that is.

Sometimes people want to email others off the board but are scared to, so just to let you know that you can email me anytime

Nicke,XX

still hanging in there...
Posted by kae on Sun May 26 12:47:50 2002 (#3384)

hey everyone
I think I've hit the crossroads...and I'm taking a good look at the names of each road. One road leads to more pain, more blood, more misery, and more darkness. It ends in a deep pit.
The other road, however, is somewhat brighter...there are a lot of bends in it which prevent me from seeing all the way down, but it looks more inviting. Who knows where that road will take me....? I have to walk down it to find out.
Do I want to try? I don't know.

But something is changing...I think. Something is telling me that I have to stop my SI. Its going to ruin my life if I don't. I always knew this, but for a long while I didn't care. I didn't see a future for myself, didn't see a point to anything. And maybe I haven't completely lost that side of me...but theres something in me thats starting to see things a little differently.
The school play is going to prove a problem. My character wears a hospital gown for part of it...I still don't know how I'm going to solve that problem. But instead of telling myself "oh well, maybe I'll be dead by then" I'm thinking more in terms of "maybe I can let my arms heal by then...."
And the ball....I'm not looking forward to going because of the whole 'date' issue....but I want to be able to try on dresses and show my mum without having to hide my arms. Okay, thats not going to happen because the ball is only a couple of months away and my arms are VERY scarred...but theres not a lot I can do about it now.
I almost wish I could be worried about my boyfriend seeing my scars.....but I'm not because I don't have one and I can't see myself having one this year at all. I know its shallow and there are more important things in life.....but I'm just so hopeless with guys. Its a real self-esteem killer, especially when all my friends are laughing and talking with random guys with such ease. ~sigh~

As for the counselling....well. Its not going so great. The only 'help' I can get right now is from our school counsellor....and she really doesn't have a clue about SI. She even told me how she can't understand how I can hurt myself to that degree....that she could never do it herself. She said she has trouble pulling off a band-aid! Things like that don't help....theres really no point in seeing her. I get the idea that shes talking to me just so she feels like shes doing something for me....but really its for her own benefit. If I kill myself, she'll be able to say she did all she could. That pisses me off. Shes not really interested in helping me at all. But if I don't see her, I won't be seeing anyone.....and I don't think I can help myself on my own. Does that make sense? Raa...god knows.

So maybe something has changed...maybe I do want to get better.....and actually live. Maybe I can believe in getting somewhere, being Somebody.

Or maybe I'm just on a higher point of a mood swing and I'll come crashing down again tomorrow.

I haven't cut since Friday...its Sunday night right now. Can I go for longer? I don't know.

luv 'n hugz
kae

Re: still hanging in there...
Posted by wallflower on Sun May 26 17:13:28 2002 (#3386)

I think you should definitely give that other road a try. It could turn out to end just like the other one, but the path will be full of surprises, good and bad.

As far as the play and the ball, I think it's a very good idea to set some sort of a goal like that. I do ballroom dancing and I had a competition coming up . . . my dress shows my arms, stomach, and legs, so I had a real tough time, but I managed to only do a couple minor cuts on my hips in the two weeks before the competition. No one saw any scars (I had to put make up on a couple of them) and I had a great time! I also went to prom, and I had the same problem, but I wasn't doing so good at controling myself. The most control I had was to use a pin and just scratch my hand instead of using my blade. I thought that at least that way there was a better chance of it healing before the dance. Well, it wasn't quite healed by then, but I decided that I could get some fancy long gloves and they would fit with the dress code and cover my arms. Great idea huh? Yeah, well, I couldn't find the gloves I had in mind, so I went without and just hid my hands from view most of the time. No one asked any questions, so it was okay.

In any case, good luck with whatever you decide to do. If you ever want to talk to me about anything you can email me, or if you have AIM, my screen name is OpenUpAndBreathe.

Re: still hanging in there...
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 12:49:11 2002 (#3409)

Congrats on stopping for two days

The thing I do when I am feeling good, or thinking positively is just to go with it.

I used to worry about when it was going to end, but know I just live for the moment and not worry about being down.

As for the ball...couldn't you just wear a long sleeved dress...just an idea

The play, can't you wear a long sleeved T-shirt underneath...just another, maybe useless, idea...but it is just some of the things I do so that no-one will see my scars...

As for the boyfriend...self esteem is a viscious circle...you can't get a boyfriend because of your low self esteem but this causes your self esteem to lower...where does it end??? Well, firstly you have to start liking and loving yourself so that you can then let others...

It is the old cliche that nobody can love you unitl you love yourself...

And the counsellor, if it is not doing any good, could you try accessing somebody through your doctor???

Maybe you have a good friend who you can off load to...

Or you coild just keep posting on here if it helps. But remember that it is not a replacement for professional help...

Stay strong,Nicke.XX

The unwanted (poem)
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun May 26 13:51:36 2002 (#3385)

We are the unwanted
We are the lost
Burnt by life's fire
Chilled by its frost
We are the lonely
We are the scared
Open to the world
Souls lay bared
We are the scarred
We have our flaws
Banned by society
Outside the shut door
But we will survive
We will resist
We will continue
We will persist
We don't need you
Or you're vicious voice
It's our way of expression
It's our freedom of choice

Re: The unwanted (poem)
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 12:15:29 2002 (#3403)

So true...

does anyone else feel this way?
Posted by wallflower on Sun May 26 17:34:15 2002 (#3387)

Hey everyone . . . I've been reading a lot of messages and I've noticed that most everyone talks about how no one is understanding and how we all have real problems and we're the ones who are really hurting. I for one don't feel that way. Yes, there are people out there who don't understand why we cut, and they never will, but there are also people who don't understand but are ready and willing to be taught. Some people actually want to help and want us to share our emotions with them and help them understand. Yes, we all have problems, and yes, they are real problems. They are not, however, the only problems in the world, and we are not the only ones who have these problems. Everyone goes through stress, and they find their own ways to deal with it. Just because we deal with it through cutting doesn't mean that our problems are worse . . . we just handle things in a physically damaging way. This is not to say that those of you who have suffered some sort of abuse have no real problems. I have never gone through that and I am sorry for anyone who has. That's a very hard thing to have to go through and I know that you are dealing with it in whatever way works best. I just feel like we sometimes make ourselves out to be these poor, pathetic people who need everyone's sympathy. We want to feel like we belong in this category of scarred teens. We are shaping ourselves to a sort of mold it seems. I'm not saying that I don't do this too. You can call me a hypocrite all you like, because I already know it's true. That's just another thing that I don't like about myself, but I'm trying desperately to live up to my own standards, so don't shoot me down. I've seen you guys post messages saying that someone is not a real cutter because of their views on the whole thing. Please don't do that to me . . . I don't care if you think it because sometimes I think it too . . . okay, now I'm just rambling. Sorry.

Re: does anyone else feel this way?
Posted by KAT on Sun May 26 18:28:23 2002 (#3388)

Interesting..controversial.

I have some very different views.

Neither of which you stated ..but I guess they are to long to go into.

I understand where you are coming from.
I think it's just in the eye of the beholder because I don't see it that way, and you might not see it my way.
take care
KAT

Re: does anyone else feel this way?
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 27 00:20:28 2002 (#3390)

I think you have a right to your own views and I don't care whether I agree with them or not, I like reading other people's opinions.
Sometimes I feel that I'm alone and nobody understands and that they don't want to understand, but if I'm thinking rationally I know that that's not true. There are people who want to help and understand, and I might push them away and label them as not understanding because they aren't going through what I am, but they are there. I think that because of our state of mind, sometimes we make oursleves believe that we are alone in this because it suits us to feel sorry for ourselves, but in reality it isn't true, we just see what we want to see which I know is a trait that I have often moaned about in past posts. I know I'm probably contrdicting a lot of what Ive said before now, but today I'm in a position to see my faults and to say all this. Tomorrow I may be back to moaning that noone cares or wants to understand, but that is just me. At the moment I am feeling a little better and am able to see things in a sensible way.
I'm talking crap now and I'm sure none of what I've just said makes any sense so I'll shut up.
Love always, el x

Re: does anyone else feel this way?
Posted by Vapor on Mon May 27 05:56:06 2002 (#3396)

yeh, i know another post.
but, hey, whatever

i think that you are both right and wrong. other people can try to comprehend and will have similar understanding to what you feel but the truth is that each human is unique and therefore has his/her own unique feelings which noone else can truly completely understand. i guess the best we can do is understand ourselves which is far harder than understanding others sometimes and try to live in the best way we can. try to see life as a gift and try to be the best person we can.

gosh, i ve tried to be breif here and i think in my effort the true meaning of what im trying to say has been lost.
i think as people it inevitable that each of us travels through stages of development in both reasoning and understanding. when you first start trying to understand you cutting you can be very dishonest with yourself. as you grow as a person and you move away from depression your understanding changes. you start to see things and accept ideas that used to make you shiver right down to your soul. ideas like cutting is at all levels somewhat about attention, that there is always someone worse off than you, that you have the power to make your life better... etc. i cant think of others. and i know that some of you might not understand what im trying to say. i know that a year ago i probably would have had to punch myself for saying a lot of the things i say now... but once you decide you have control to make things better and that you have the strength to move away from the depression that pulls you in and makes you want to be self-destructive, self-pitying... think about what ive tried to say here and maybe you'll find truth or wisdom in my words. or maybe in another year i'll think about what ive said and say what a conceited bitch ive been. but i know that i am only on the brink of understanding. as i see how little i really know it (was this Plato's idea? - well, my version of it) makes me understand...

LAter, Vapor

Re: does anyone else feel this way?
Posted by wallflower on Mon May 27 07:26:59 2002 (#3398)

Yeah, I totally agree . . . sometimes I get really mad at myself when I notice that I'm just sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but it totally depends on the state of mind. Some days are just more rational than others.

Re: does anyone else feel this way?
Posted by Vapor on Mon May 27 05:42:09 2002 (#3395)

id like to hear. i understand if you dont have the energy to type it. i could go on for hours and years about all this. i tried to keep it short but i think that that just made my post down there confused, incoherent, and unsubstantial.
Later, Vapor

Re: does anyone else feel this way?
Posted by Vapor on Mon May 27 05:39:27 2002 (#3393)

i agree with you. just as i loathe people who cut to be cool, i also am greatly annoyed those who want sympathy and compassion from the entire world becuase they think that whatever horrible depression they feel is so hopeless that the whole world should respect them as being the human being in more pain than anyone else.
sorry, that sounded harsh, it wasnt meant to be. as i dislike those actions, there are also reasons behind them. i am not here to judge or criticize. just to listen to everyone.
i have been through shit a thousand times. everything from long term childhood sexual abuse and multiple rapes to emotional abuse from parents, teachers... etc. i cut myself when there was literally nothing else to do, but then i learned that no matter how much i screamed to the world "HELP ME" i was always just wasting my voice for the one person who could help me was me. i was so past thinking i could salvage my life that i didnt believe i could be the one with all the power to turn it around and make it worth living.

im off on a long tangent. sorry. forgot where i was going. just wanted to say i read your post and agreed with some of your ideas.
oh yeah... my point was that no matter how much you reach out to other people and no matter how much they want to help you or how much understanding you find you are the ONLY one who can change your life. you are the only person who can help you. there is no magic cure and compassion from others can only go so far.
Later, Vapor

Re: does anyone else feel this way?
Posted by wallflower on Mon May 27 07:35:08 2002 (#3399)

The first few lines of your post were exactly what I think about a lot. I couldn't have said it better. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to get labled as someone who just cuts for attention though. I mean, it shouldn't matter what other people label me, but I end up feeling like I have to prove to them that I really and truely am hurting inside.

Re: does anyone else feel this way?
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 13:06:20 2002 (#3410)

Right I have read everyones posts and here is what I think...albeit a very contraversial subject.

I believe that of all the self harmers(lets not forget burners etc) there are only a small portion of those that are attention seeking. My stereotype (and I openly admit it is a stereotype) is someone who will hurt themselves, usually not serious, maybe a scratch that may not bleed much, and they will usually 'wear it with pride' or show it off to the world.

Unfortunatley, it is these people who the 'world' sees and labels or 'tarnishes everyone with the same brush'.

Why do I think this? well, because for me to show my cuts, scars etc would be an absurd idea. I never want to show people and I don't think I ever will...people know but only those that have to...my doctor, and my support worker... Telling them was very hard.

But I also get what wallflower said in the original post about moulding otherselves because sometimes I think that if a cut isn;t serious enough or that I only have a few scars then people might rubbish it as a phase that I am going through which it isn't....absurd seeing as no-one will ever see them, in the near future anyway, so I can kind of see where see is coming from...

Also I agree with Vapor over the whole self help thing...no matter how much help someone offers it will only work if you actually want it, otherwise it can never penetrate the bubble we all put around ourselves.

Finally, should learn to keep things short only I have very strong opinions about this, I think that no matter what someones problems are, the very fact that they would want to do something to harm themselves is bad enough. Yes some are attention seekers, but you have to look at why they need the attention...maybe there is a problem that needs adressing...

Just my thoughts...Nicke.X

Re: does anyone else feel this way?
Posted by wallflower on Mon May 27 19:54:50 2002 (#3435)

I totally agree. Whoever cuts has problems that need adressing. I know someone who obviously cut to get attention and I know people who responded with "oh, well it's no big deal, she's only trying to get people to start paying attention to her." I payed attention to her though. I don't think she should be cutting, and if lack of attention is causing her that much pain that she would have to cut, I think she really needs a friend.

With the whole "keeping up with the mold we've set" thing, I too have noticed that I've compaired myself to other self harmers. Sometimes I feel like I must be not be a "real" self harmer because I probably don't go as deep as everyone else, or maybe I don't do it as often as everyone else. I know I shouldn't think like that though.

The other thing that's been mentioned is the self help thing. Although I know it's true . . . it really does help to have a couple of close friends who are ready to help you in whatever way you ask. They don't really have to know what to do, as long as they're there to help. I don't really like hearing that "I'm the only one who can help myself" because I've had a couple "friends" who brushed me off that way. I went to them for support and they were just like "well why did you come to me? I don't know what to do. It's not any of my business, and if it's such a problem, why don't you just stop? You're the only one who's in control of your actions, so you're the only one who can make you stop." That made me very angry. Hmm . . . perhaps I will post the "poem" I wrote about that.

Re: does anyone else feel this way?
Posted by Vapor on Sat Jun 1 02:16:02 2002 (#3606)

I agree that in the way you are talking about there are only a small number that harm for attention. But, there are other forms of attention and doing something to your body that is realitivly harmles... (yes, i know you could die or get infected and all that shit, but any cut that is not into muscle can and will heal itself eventually) is somewhat about physically transferring your emotional pain. and let me ask, why would you want to do that? first thing that many say would be becuase i know how to deal with emotional pain. and why? because u have been taught... "put a bandaid on" "clean it with peroxide" "put an ice pack on it"... and then you are bringing your attention not only to your physical wounds but to the fact that others have been there to help you deal with them in the past and maybe cling to the hope that physical wouds will lead to emotional support. and again, let me state, that how many of you have ever thought "if only i could roll up my sleeves and show them how much pain im really in" - if you have, and even if you chicked out and restrained yourself, you were looking for attention and you were craving it... now, let me end by asking, is this really a bad thing? one must first help themselves, but everyone needs support. if this is your way of asking for it do you give a shit what the world thinks?
Later, Vapor

blah! I'm lonely . . .
Posted by wallflower on Sun May 26 22:55:04 2002 (#3389)

I don't know what's up, but I'm feeling really lonely right now. One of my friends is online right now, and the rest are either busy, or they're people that I haven't talked to in about 6 months. I've sent out about 3 times as many emails this weekend as I usually do, and I've gotten half as many replies as usual. I have no projects to be working on because school will be over at the end of the week, so I'm spending most of my time online with nothing to do. I have no money right now, so I can't waste time buying stuff. Basically boredom is what's making my lack of close friends so much more obvious than it's been in the past few months. It's not like I don't have any friends, it's just that I've shut a lot of them out and I haven't been seeing them at all outside of school. I usually just sit in my room and listen to music. I want more friends! Blah, I should stop whining . . . I'll just do some more emailing or something.

Re: blah! I'm lonely . . .
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 13:08:57 2002 (#3411)

When I am bored I either write down my feelings or draw... or do something that requires no thought on my part...in other words I watch T.V. or listen to music or even read a book...

Just try to occupy yourself positively...

Nicke

Re: blah! I'm lonely . . .
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon May 27 20:03:04 2002 (#3436)

yeah i know what you mean hunni.....im just the same......... being so bored just highlights the friendless shit even more...although i do have some firends but like you i block them out. oh and by the way apologies for last night in the chat room thingy............. i had to leave for a while so i never replied to you and when i got back youd gone....but anyways sorry xxx

take care xx

Re: blah! I'm lonely . . .
Posted by wallflower on Mon May 27 20:42:55 2002 (#3441)

It's no big deal . . . I just started talking some more to a friend who was online and he talked me into going outside. It wasn't very fun though because he wanted to play kickball with a bunch of his college buddies that I don't know . . . so I left with another friend of mine that I haven't talked to in a long time. We went to the beach and it was fun . . . and she's going to come over in a few minutes and we'll talk some more. Yay!

im desperate
Posted by Crimson Fire on Mon May 27 03:24:52 2002 (#3391)

hey guys i know i havent been here for a very long time but i got admitted to a mental hospital a while back and one of the agreements i had to sign to get out was that i wouldnt come here anymore but as of right now im absolutely desperate for some help. im at the point where i feel like im going to explode, i know you all know how this is. after i got outa the hospital i let stuff build up and id blow up about once a week but the blow ups were tolerable and all i had to do to keep myself from cutting was go downtairs and watch tv and make sure i was on the phone and everything, but today im completly going crazy, i spent 10 hours today lying in bed bawling i threw a fit and cussed out my parents and i havent been able to take my razor out of my hand...which is making it hard to type but i cant put it down. i havent cut with it yet, ive been shreading shoe boxes which is kinda theraputic but not really helping, i keep running my fingers over my razor and putting it against my skin and then crying and putting the cardboard safety wrap back on it. i cant think of my face. everytime i think of my face i feel like im going to die unless i cut. i have like white eyebrows and so i get them dyed about once a month but the lady did a SHITTY job this time and i look like a fucking psycho freak its disgusting and its driving me crazy. my parenst are driving me up the wall and i tried to talk to my friend tim cause he usually can help me but he got mad at me and was like "beka just stop your fucking complaining i dont give a shit about your problems all you ever do is complain youre so fucking annoying" that didnt help cause my boyfriend of a year and a half just dumped me 2 weeks ago cause i was "fucking messed up and annoying" and i donno if i can deal with this anymore. i have finals next week and im going to do miserably and tim is right all i fucking ever do is complain. but whatever. i just wanna fucking die. no one understands ive lost all my best friends cause they say all i ever do is complain and all the friends i still have make me even more depressed than i already am cause all they do is talk about how terrible their life is and when i try to talk to them theyre like no you dont even KNOW stop telling me that you feel like shit cause i just got an A- on my test it cant get worse than that and shit like that. i just cant take this anymore. I WANT TO FUCKING DIE.

Re: im desperate
Posted by KAT on Mon May 27 05:07:19 2002 (#3392)

I've totally been almost exactly where you are right now.

I mean the similarities and scary..

you'll get through it.

Bruised, cut, broken, or perfectly fine (on the outside) you will..

take care
*hugs* KAT

Re: im desperate
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 13:12:55 2002 (#3412)

I am soooo sorry you are feeling like this honey....try to occupy yourself positively and remember that we are here for you if you need us...

Why did they make you agree to not coming here??? That is awful...

Stay strong, Nicke.XX

Re: im desperate
Posted by Rhonda on Mon May 27 17:53:17 2002 (#3426)

I'm sorry you're in a bad way right now. I can't
tell you what to do to feel better except to let you know that I'm always here and I care about you. Hopefully this will pass in the future and
you'll start feeling better. Please let me know
how you are doing, okay? Take care of yourself.
Love, RHonda

Re: im desperate
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 27 18:25:43 2002 (#3431)

BEKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
I missed you girl! I'm so sorry you're going through this baba. If you need to talk you know where I am, you helped me through some of my hardest times and I want to be here for you.
Love you always, el x

Re: im desperate
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon May 27 20:06:42 2002 (#3437)

awww hunni im sorry your feeling this way girl. i know its sooo hard and at times you just wanna give up but just remember everyone here is here for you ok? i hope oyu start to feel a little better soon and yeah i nkow what you mean....shredding away at a shoe box (my fave is my school books lol) it can be therapetic but not as goos as actually cutting. *sighs*

take care xxx

scared my friends
Posted by diana on Mon May 27 05:40:52 2002 (#3394)

yesterday i totally screwed up. i went over my friends house after 6flags to drink. there were only 4 of us girls b/c all of the guys left. basically we finished a bottle of malibu, 2 bottles of bicardi0, and a few smirnoffs. so none of these friends know any of my problems, but i just got in a fight with my boyfriend before we drank so i was already pissed n upset. then basically after i drank i was a wreak. so i ran outside, jumped into a ditch full of rocks and i hit my head on huge rocks. so i was unconcious, they called my boyfriend crying, he was cryin cuz they thought i was dead. police came because they were making so much noice, but they hauled me outta there so we didn't get 'caught'. but right now im worried bout my boyfriend n what my friends think.. i told them ive never done nething like that before but i duno if they believe me. and im hoping they don't tell anyone about this either. so is there anything i should say or do? or should i just laugh about it everytime one of them brings it up...

Re: scared my friends
Posted by Vapor on Mon May 27 07:08:40 2002 (#3397)

i think it'll be ok. they will prolly write it off to your being drunk and maybe they were in such a state where they wont be recalling all the details with crystal clarity.
Later, Vapor

Re: scared my friends
Posted by Nicke on Mon May 27 13:14:57 2002 (#3413)

Just tell them it was a drunken thing, or if you trust them enough if you feel like you want to you could tell them...it is totally up to you hun.

Nicke

Do you....
Posted by Sar on Mon May 27 13:42:55 2002 (#3415)

Do you think you want them to know anything?
They obviously care a great deal about you so do you think you have the strength to let them in?
We can't tell you what to do... We can suggest...
But what you really want lies deep inside you and your surface fear is covering it.
--hugs--
Gotta go to a Memorial Day gig now

~Sar

Re: Do you....
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 27 18:28:40 2002 (#3432)

They obviously care a lot about you but if you don't feel comfortable telling them the truth than just shrug it off as the drunken thing. If you tell them and it turns out not to be the right thing for you then it could make things a lot worse. Only you know your friends and can judge how you think they may react.
Love always, el x

Re: scared my friends
Posted by KAT on Mon May 27 17:24:10 2002 (#3421)

alcohol either brings out the truth, the secrets or the bad side of a situation.

I dont know if alcohol is very good when your depressed, especially since it's a downer in itself.
but anyway..ahh! that sucks about what happened. You must have hit REALLY hard to go unconcious..I hope your okay.
Ive been piss drunk before and very depressed, it was so horrible. and luckily I didnt remember much of it, but everyone else did.
I guess if you wanna cover it up just say you were so drunk you had no idea what you were doing, or just say you were having a bad night and the alcohol provoct you.
take care

KAT

Re: scared my friends
Posted by diana on Mon May 27 17:48:40 2002 (#3424)

ok thanks for the information on what i should do.. but i think im just gonna say it was because i was so drunk and was in a bad mood on top of it. the only person that keeps bringin it up is my boyfriend, but i don't think he will anymore because i told him it was a mistake and im not like that and don't want to talk about it anymore. but neways, thanks

Re: scared my friends
Posted by Rhonda on Mon May 27 17:49:45 2002 (#3425)

Hey Diana,
Do you want them to know? They sound like they really care. Of course, it's up to you to decide
that,but I hope you think about telling them. If
you ever want to talk, I'm here. Just email me.
Take care sweetie.
Love, Rhonda

raaa....not so good...
Posted by kae on Mon May 27 13:17:02 2002 (#3414)

shit....i knew this would happen. i'm slipping down again and i suddenly badly need to SI...its been three days.....three days of feeling good. and its ended so quickly.
my friend is down. her boyfriend broke up with her really messily and now i cant get through to her. she barely talks to me anymore. oh sure, she talks to other people. not me though.
im sick of playing round with this fucking counsellor bitch. she takes her time, only sees me when it suits her. she doesnt think i need help. oh sure, she called my mother in when she thought i was about to kill myself....seems like that was her way of getting me off her back. she seems to think im fine now. that im nothing. that nothing ever happend, i never hurt myself, i never will. shes seeing my two friends alot...yea i know they have problems and im glad they're getting help....but its like she has something personal against me. she thinks im a weak, immature little girl whom she cant be bothered wasting her time with. i know thats what she thinks. theres not a lot i can do about it.
i dont see the fucking point in trying to get better if im only doing it for myself. im not worth that much to myself.
screw everyone. screw this life. screw it all.

i fucking GIVE UP.

kae

Re: raaa....not so good...
Posted by Sar on Mon May 27 13:46:43 2002 (#3416)

*slightly smiles*
Geez hun you sound a bit like me now.
Fuck that bitch if she is like that.
She's not worth the time unless you feel it helps.
Slipping down again after a few days is a bitch and a half... I know.
This world is filled with fucked up and unexplainable things. I think we all have figure that much out.
Aye, hun I don't know what I am trying to say but I'm here if you wanna talk.
~Sar

Re: raaa....not so good...
Posted by Dee on Mon May 27 14:24:05 2002 (#3418)

Sound like you're really having a shit time at the moment and if you're anything like me nothing anyone says will make you feel better! I'm not seeing anyone to help me but I wish I was and thats what you need someone to HELP you,and you're not getting that. I don't know what I can say because I have no experience with the whole getting help.
But if you feel like you wanna talk and nobodys listening then you're more than welcome to e mail me!
TRY and stay strong hun, easier said than done I know, but try!

Re: raaa....not so good...
Posted by KAT on Mon May 27 17:27:45 2002 (#3422)

I dont know, I think one of the main reasons one should want to got better iis for themself! because when your down and out and broke and shit all you might have is yourself.

And your important to you..well maybe not these days, but maybe one day.

Sounds like that counselor has no fucking clue as to what your going through, plus school counselors arent always the best source for help.
I mean they are there to help when you need something, but I dont think they can provide adequate therapy, you know..and that might be just what you need.
Find a good therapist if you can, if you can't well..try and help yourself if possible.
it's hard..it's soo goddamn hard! but it's do-able.

Take care Kae
I'm worried for you..

*hugs*
KAT

Re: raaa....not so good...
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 27 18:33:06 2002 (#3433)

My counsellor was shit. She made me feel like a pathetic kid who just wants attention, she drove me crazy. I ended up coming out of my sessions with her feeling more suicidal than when I went in.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way sweetie. Maybe you should try and find another councellor? I don't like to think of you feeling like this.
Don't worry about slipping up, just take a deep breath and start again. It's not going to be easy and you will slip up but try not to let it make you give up.
Take care of yourself hun. Love always, el x

Re: raaa....not so good...
Posted by Nicke on Tue May 28 10:28:33 2002 (#3457)

I am so sorry you feel that way..

((((((HUGZ))))))

I used to think that my counsellor hated me and that she was just wasting her time with me...I used to tell her that as well, that she was just seeing me because it was her job.

Guess what...she was refused funding to counsell me and she was doing it for free, in her own time...

Just goes to show you that people do care, sometimes they are more subtle in the way they show it...

Hope you feel better....

Nicke.XX

Re: raaa....not so good...
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue May 28 15:21:09 2002 (#3471)

awww huni i am really sorry you are feeling bad. do you know you said it was your school councillor?? well...and just a suggestion.....couldnt you tell her to get lost and just go to your doctors and get reffered to someone else?? i mean you have to get on with oyur shirnk otherwise it just aint going to work out. i feel like that too sometimes like the shrink doesnt give a shit shes just doing her job.....but then i think maybe its me maybe im being paranoid...but then i confuse myself like ive probably confused oyu lol!!

good luck anyways and take care hun xxx

I'm not worth it!
Posted by Dee on Mon May 27 14:14:44 2002 (#3417)

I wrote about a week ago asking for some advice about what my first step should be to getting help. You all were brilliant and gave me some great advice. I haven't managed to do anything because I starting to think that maybe I don't need to. I mean there are people out there including people on this site that have much worse proplems than me, so do I REALLY need to get help? I cut myself when ever I feel down I can't always say what I feel down about I just do. I have had problems in the past alot of thing I just want to forget, but like most I can't. I don't want to waist anyone's time with my stupid moaning. Maybe I can sort this out on my own it may take a while but I can try! Sometimes I'll have a silly little arguement with my boyfriend, but that silly arguement plays on my mind and when he's gone to sleep I'll sneak out of bed and cut myself sometimes in the same room as him. At the time I don't care if he finds out but once I've done I'm always trying to hide it and often hate myself for doing it, but for that moment of release of all the pain it's worth it. So I feel so good when I'm doing it can I really stop by myself or do I get help which i don't deserve?

Re: I'm not worth it!
Posted by Sar on Mon May 27 17:14:13 2002 (#3419)

Babe, people like you and me need help. Yes, others have it worse... But they start out like we are. The help is needed. The first step is just a bitch to take.
God you sound so much like me.
I can do it on my own.
People have it worse then me I should stop bitching.
--sigh--
If you wanna talk I'll talk to you. We might find we have something in common.
AIM: TrueDarkLove
MSN/E-mail: demonic_angel_2 003@hotmail.com
YAHOO: Suga_n_spice_chick_03

~Sar

Re: I'm not worth it!
Posted by KAT on Mon May 27 17:32:28 2002 (#3423)

Well I think you do deserve to get better.
No one deserves the abuse like this..even if it's from yourself.
You know, it's abuse!
I was abused a lot by myself and other people and no one deserves it.

Just because there are people out there that seem like they have worse problems then yours doesnt mean your problems should be brushed aside.
to you they are major and they are making you harm yourself..so that is a huge problem.

If you always look at someones else's misfortunes your never going to get to yourself..because there will always be someone who seems like they could use more help, you know?
one thing to you might be small to me but might mean the world to you.
Take it in perspetive.

and take care of yourself

KAT

Re: I'm not worth it!
Posted by Rhonda on Mon May 27 18:13:18 2002 (#3430)

Oh Dee,
Everyone deserves to get help. Taking the first
step is always the hardest thing to do. If you can
do that, I won't say the rest will be easy, but you will start a process that will help you out in
the long run. The way I see it is that there is
always light at the end of the tunnel, some just
have to look a lot harder to find it. Keep looking
for the light and know that you will always find
support here. If you ever want to talk, just email
me. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: I'm not worth it!
Posted by Eleanor on Mon May 27 18:36:52 2002 (#3434)

Of course you deserve it. If you feel bad enough to do this to yourself then your problems are worthy enough to get help. You can't think like that or you'll just end up feeling worse about yourself.
Please take care of yourself and if you ever want to talk then you can email me, I might not be able to help but I'm a good listener and I'll do anything that I can.
Love always, el x

Re: I'm not worth it!
Posted by Nicke on Tue May 28 10:34:26 2002 (#3458)

Please don't ever think that you are not worth it...I feel like that all the time so you are not diiferent in thinking that. (That might sound hypocritical but just to let you know that you are not alone.)

The thing is that alot of self-harmers think that they are not worthy of the help but go and get it anyway...

The very fact that you cut yourself is enough to need help...

Just think to yourself that maybe it is about time that someone cared about you.

Take care...Nicke

Re: I'm not worth it!
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue May 28 15:24:34 2002 (#3472)

awww hunni it pains me to hear you say that.......YOU DO DESERVE to get that help hunni. it doesnt matter about anyone elses problems in their life, you cut yourself (i think you said cut?) and you have a right to recieve help and support....but having said that....... get help if YOU want to get help hunni...thats up to you..all im trying to say is that you do deserve that help.....if you want it.

take care chuck xxx

oh fuck
Posted by stranger in the night on Mon May 27 20:11:45 2002 (#3438)

hey look im sorry guys..ive just come on to post some replies and i think ive managed 2?!

but i just cant seem to think straight geesssh! ill post replies tomorrow morning ok........i hope you are all doing ok? sometimes i come here and it just depresses me evn more you know? cuz everyone here is going through hell and it just makes me so sad cuz noone deserves any of this shit. hmm i dunno im just babbling now....... its strange this life i lead.......ahhh *sighs*

Re: oh fuck
Posted by wallflower on Mon May 27 20:16:31 2002 (#3440)

That's one of the reasons I come here sometimes. It depresses me so much, and I feel completely powerless to help people. When I'm already depressed I look up more stuff about self injury and it kind of makes me worse. It gets me all worked up, and I feel like shit. I don't know why I keep doing it. It doesn't make sense. Shouldn't I stay away if it makes me so unhappy? Half the time I go and cut right afterwards . . . maybe I should just stop going online all together.

Re: oh fuck
Posted by KAT on Mon May 27 21:58:25 2002 (#3443)

Yep...I read some of the posts and they are hard to read because you know where they are coming from but you just cant help.
It's hard to find the right words..

and if no one replies the person might feel that no one cares but its really not like that.

dont be sorry
take care

KAT

Re: oh fuck
Posted by Nicke on Tue May 28 10:37:39 2002 (#3459)

I feel like that all the time...I saw some kids shouting at their dad about his new girlfriend and her kids...it made me cry...

I hope you are feeling better...

I fyou want to email me you can..

Nicke.

Re: oh fuck
Posted by Eleanor on Tue May 28 20:07:53 2002 (#3496)

Hey sweetie.
I feel like that too so sometimes I just can't reply to some posts. Don't be sorry hunni, I'm just glad to hear from you and know that you're still here. I worry bout you.
Love you loads girl!!!
Email me sometime yeah?
((((((((((huge hugs!))))))))))))
El x

"poem" -more like a random rant
Posted by wallflower on Mon May 27 20:13:00 2002 (#3439)

This is something I wrote after a "friend" of mine brushed me off when I tried to open up to him. I really felt like shit after talking to him, and I wished I could take it all back. He had been really nice for a while, and then he decided to stop acting like he cared. Anyway, this "poem" is kind of written as if he was saying it.

YOUR PROBLEM:

If you think you have a problem,
Go and help yourself,
I will not get involved,
I will not be concerned,
Your problems must be minor,
If you haven't changed,
Nothing I could do would help,
So I won't even try,
If I support a side,
I'll keep it to myself,
Pretend I don't give a damn,
Because it's your problem,
Not mine.

Re: "poem" -more like a random rant
Posted by KAT on Mon May 27 22:05:24 2002 (#3447)

I like that poem.
Ive had so many "friends" brush me off I hate it..I wanted to kill them, but I got over it.

it was hard

take care

KAT

Re: "poem" -more like a random rant
Posted by Nicke on Tue May 28 10:39:11 2002 (#3460)

That was a good poem

I have never had that problem because I have never tried to open up to anyone...maybe that is my problem...

Nicke

P.S. keep writing

Re: "poem" -more like a random rant
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue May 28 15:26:52 2002 (#3473)

yeah you said it....... unfortunately that attitude exists huh....and it pisses me off so much. "friends" just aint worth the bother....thats the lesson i have learnt anyway, whether it is the right atitude to have or not i dont no...good poem by the way...straight to the point.

anyways take care xxxx

Re: "poem" -more like a random rant
Posted by Eleanor on Tue May 28 20:09:45 2002 (#3497)

people suck sometimes. That was good. Love always, el x

afraid
Posted by S...j..r..r on Mon May 27 21:00:52 2002 (#3442)

Hey there, I've only recently started cutting. I don't do it like alot of other people. Some of my friends use razor blades or needles....I use scissors.heh I know..silly. Anyways...I've told just about everyone about my problem..or addiction, all except for my boyfriend. I love him very much, but I don't know if I want to tell him about how weak I am from this. I mean mentally weak. I've tried to stop for a while..i mean I did...but I did it again. One of my older friends got me to stop...but I just went back to it. This time it was deeper...but thats not saying much cuz I never bleed alot or cut deep anyway. But this one I was actually quite proud of. I like my other little scars and I find that weird. But the point is...should I tell my boyfriend or just wait to let him find out?
I don't even know if I have the right to be cutting. What I hear from other cutters is things like...they were molested..raped..or some other terrible thing. Me...I fall under none of the cataories. I only have issues that bother me about my body. I've talked to one of my friend though. She told me u don't have to be deppressed to be a cutter. I was glad she told me that because I wasn't depressed. I'm actually one of the 'happy' people out of my group. I know this isn't a healthy way of dealing with issues...but it feels good. I see it as a drug or something. I'm addicted. But hey...as long as it's not deep.
However...I would like to have one good cutting. I want to bleed alot..enough to fill a cup or something. Enough so that I'll be dripping with blood. I know this sounds all crazy...but I think that if after I get to that...I'll stop. My friends who cut told me that I'd have to cut myself pretty deep to get there......
I don't have any razor blades around.

Re: afraid
Posted by KAT on Mon May 27 22:01:59 2002 (#3445)

They start out not so deep but in time if you're "addicted" believe it will get out of control..Ive been there.

Dont worry about what you should be to be a "cutter"..theres no certain rules that people have to hurt themselfs..it's a coping skill...thats not so healthy.

I think you maybe should tell your boyfriend and explain it to him, I've lost a boyfriend to this and I didnt tell him he found out for himself and he didnt understand and didnt give me the time to explain.
take care of yourself!

KAT

Re: afraid
Posted by Nicke on Tue May 28 10:44:15 2002 (#3461)

KAT's right...

There are no hard and fast rules about cutting, or reasons why people should...

You should really talk to your boyfriend if you feel strong enough...because if you don't and he finds out from someone else he may think that you didn't trust him or something...

Take care, Nicke.XX

Re: afraid
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue May 28 15:30:00 2002 (#3474)

yeah you should maybe try talking to your boyfriend....at least this way youll find out his attitude towards s.i?? basically youll find out if hes worth it or not which is a better way than him finding out himself and dumping you...maybe try to explain. its sooo annoying i know. its so not nice being "addicted". *sighs*

take care xxx

Not bad...
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon May 27 21:59:41 2002 (#3444)

Life is not bad
Living is okay
I can tolerate
Living this way
There's no good
So there's no bad
Feeling quite happy
But I feel quite bad
The past is close
But that's alright
There're dark times
But there is light
I know deep down
There are fears
But I'm going to hide
All of these tears
I can pretend
It's gonna be fine
I've not faded
But I don't shine
I'm not okay
But I'll last tonight
I hate living this way
But I'll pretend it's all right

Re: Not bad...
Posted by KAT on Mon May 27 22:04:02 2002 (#3446)

That was really good. Pretending to be fine is such a fucked up thing that kind of takes over.
It kills..
nice poem
KAT

Re: Not bad...
Posted by Nicke on Tue May 28 10:46:05 2002 (#3462)

That was a really good poem...

Keep writing them dol, you are very talented...

Nicke

Re: Not bad...
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue May 28 15:32:03 2002 (#3475)

you are a talented little so n so you aint ya hunni?!!!

keep posting your poetry i love reading it...that goes for everyone else too!! yay!!

i hope you are feeling ok ella?? i havent spoken to ya in a while....my emails broken....yours fixed yet??

anyways take care xxx

Re: Not bad...
Posted by Eleanor on Tue May 28 20:12:50 2002 (#3498)

I don't even have to say how much I loved that poem, you should know! You ok baba?
Love you soooooo much! El x

Two of My Favorites(May trigger)
Posted by KAT on Mon May 27 22:36:21 2002 (#3448)

I guess I'll post some poems too
:)
This one means a lot to me
"Crazy Junk"
I was crying and no one came
I was dying and no one cared
I was silent and they talked about me
I cut myself, they wouldn't let me breathe
I swam to the top, you pushed me under
I asked for help, you denied me shelter
I wanted you to leave , you spit in my face
I cared for you, you cared for her
I gave you all I had, you threw it in my face
I aided you in the murder, you let me take the blame
I started the fire, you blew out the match
I tried to run, you tripped me and I fell
I craved drugs, you handed me suicide
You asked for my help, I gave in everytime
You stole my heart, I let you break it
You blinded my eyes, I fell into your arms
You tied the rope around my neck, I jumped
You let me hit the bong, I poisoned myself
you murdered my family, I sat back and watched
You cheated on me, I fell to your feet everytime
You held my mouth shut, I didn't speak
You raped my insides, I smiled with discomfort
you torchered me with your hands, I layed still
you hung up the phone, I killed myself
YOU WERE MY EVERYTHING, I HATE YOU

(sorrry so long)

Next one:
"Nameless"
to my blade I give my pain
sorry for the bright red stain
with you I inflict the burden of life
sharp and thick and smaller then a knife
a true friend you really are
close my eyes, another scar
my skin rips open, relieving me of tears
a sigh of relief, my mind clears
memories from my past escape my mind
erase my future, leave the rest behind
searching for answers they ask me WHY?
if she only knew, because of them I wanted to die
I cut my skin when you break my heart
without my blade I'll fall apart
Im the cause of my everlasting cut
if only this hole in my heart would shut
the smell of death is all i know
so I show my hurt through my blood flow
this hate within burns in me
cut deep enough and Ill be free
you hand me suicide more and more
don't cry for me when death knocks on my door
one day a memory all this pain will be
I cut to reveal the pain you can't see.

I feel silly posting these because they are so freakin long and no one will probably read them but thats okay.
they are kind of old, but I keep all my poems, I was real depressed back then..now I havent cut for about 2 months.
:)
KAT

Re: Two of My Favorites(May trigger)
Posted by liverpoolfc on Tue May 28 03:56:55 2002 (#3455)

Don't feel silly posting those poems. They were great. I especially liked the second one but now that I think about I really liked the first one too. They were very meaningful.

Re: Two of My Favorites(May trigger)
Posted by Nicke on Tue May 28 10:49:23 2002 (#3463)

I like reading poems not matter how long they are...

They are very good, you should post some more of your other ones...

Oh, congrats on the not cutting...

Nicke

Re: Two of My Favorites(May trigger)
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue May 28 15:34:28 2002 (#3476)

hey dont feel silly!!! i love reading peoples poetry as i just said to ella!!! keep posting it was really good chuck xxx

Re: Two of My Favorites(May trigger)
Posted by Eleanor on Tue May 28 20:15:15 2002 (#3499)

I loved them. The first one was my favourite but that's just me. I used to post loads of poetry but I don't know, nothing seems to be good enough any more. Like me I guess.
I'd love to read some more of your poems.
Love always, el x

Re: Two of My Favorites(May trigger)
Posted by kae on Wed May 29 12:21:01 2002 (#3519)

Those are great...I'm gonna remember them and add them to my collection.

thanks KAT

luv, kae

stepping out to say hi
Posted by czarina on Mon May 27 23:37:02 2002 (#3449)

hey everyone. this is my first post but I guess I've been drifting through the site and reading teh posts for quite a while now. I guess I thought I'd say hi and try and make a more positive contribution to the community and stuff. so yeah I'm 17 and I self injury-have been doing so for about a year. I know I dont have to at this point describe exactly what that means to me because it has been expressed in so many othr eloquent ways by otehr people-I guess you all understand. I just hope that i might be able to finally offer support or at least empathy though I'm pretty much stuck at the moment between cutting and life: sometimes it seems as though they are too difficult to reconcile. take care everyone. czarina. xox

Re: stepping out to say hi
Posted by Nicke on Tue May 28 11:02:07 2002 (#3464)

Well hello...

Glad you found the courage to talk to us...we don't bite!!

Feel free to post whenever...

Nicke

Re: stepping out to say hi
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue May 28 15:36:16 2002 (#3477)

hiya hunni.... im 17 too been cutting for a few years now. ive been at this board and the old one for about half a year now? (me thinks) and its helped me sooo...keep posting it really does help sometimes

take care and rmeember everyones here for ya xxx

Re: stepping out to say hi
Posted by Eleanor on Tue May 28 20:18:00 2002 (#3500)

Hey sweetie! I'm 17 too and have been cutting for about 2 years. I've been on this board for about 1/2 a year (same as stranger in the night, we came on at the same time!) and I've found it really helpful. If you ever wanna talk please email me. Love always, el x