Please note: This site will look much better in a browser that supports web standards, but it is accessible to any browser or Internet device.

You are here: Home > Archive > Psyke.org Forum > Threads 801 to 825

Threads 801 to 825

its a crappy....day
Posted by chelle on Tue Jun 4 02:06:08 2002 (#3667)

hey everyone....
well doesnt life suck......
i had a good sleep in a way.....but i so wish i could change everything around.....
oh oh oh, well thats life for now.
I'll see how it goes...

Re: its a crappy....day
Posted by She on Tue Jun 4 17:46:20 2002 (#3683)

Life is pritty sucky huh.
Ohh welll heres \a ((((((((((((HUGE HUG)))))))))
to get you through the day.
Lots of love
She

Re: its a crappy....day
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 5 00:39:59 2002 (#3717)

Hold onto these when you need them.
(((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))) )))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))) ))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))) ))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))) ))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))) ))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))) ))))))))))))))))))))))
When you run out, let me know and I'll send you
some more hugs. Take care sweetie.
LOve,RHonda

Love you all too
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue Jun 4 02:15:27 2002 (#3669)

I'm not dead! celebrations....yay....hmmm. Another botched attempt. Oops. Anyone here glad to see me? Yeah 'cause you all love me so much...sorry, in really bad mood...yep, I have mood swings again. It's like, I wake up everyday and find I have a new emotion to play with. It's like christmas! Note the sarcasm. Anyway, thought I'd let you know I ain't leavin' just yet.

Kayleigh *who seems to be talking and ignored as usual*

Re: Love you all too
Posted by wallflower on Tue Jun 4 02:23:32 2002 (#3670)

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!

Re: Love you all too
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 4 02:29:06 2002 (#3671)

Hi there, don't feel ignored here.

I am glad that you are still here, maybe after all these attempts life won't seem as bad as death because life keeps sucking you back in.
(If that makes any scense)

Kayleigh take care of yourself..we do love you here.

KAT

Re: Love you all too
Posted by chelle on Tue Jun 4 09:59:22 2002 (#3674)

LOTS OF LOVE!!!
REALLY A BUNCH OF LOVE FOR YOU*

Re: Love you all too
Posted by She on Tue Jun 4 17:41:56 2002 (#3681)

HIya
He he im not ingoring you see .
Love you to
She

Re: Love you all too
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue Jun 4 20:58:34 2002 (#3692)

Thank you all. I guess I just needed to hear that. Sorry for going off on one. I feel so lonely these days and I will go to any lengths for attention. Sorry to bring you guys into that.

*Hugz*

Thanks...even if you only said it to shut me up, it means something.

Kayleigh

Re: Love you all too
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 5 00:36:34 2002 (#3715)

I DO love you honey, even through your bad moods.
After all, I have had some major bad moods in my
(almost) 42 years! You know I'll always be here
for you no matter what you say or do. I judge on
matters of the heart, not what kind of mood you're
in. Take care honey.
LOve ya, RHonda

uh oh
Posted by Sar on Tue Jun 4 12:25:55 2002 (#3677)

I did a boo boo last night. I was really pissed off and I cut myself on my arm onces (upper arm near shoulder) and about 10 times on my legs. They are all superficial wounds of course of but damn... I"ve never done that before. I mean... 11 times? I'm getting a bit worried about myself now. Any suggestions?
Love always,
Sar

Re: uh oh
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 4 17:15:16 2002 (#3679)

Get help now, try and stop now.
Do all you can to turn around and go the other way far away from cutting. Like anything it gets worse and worse and more and more, and that is when those "accidents" happen, the ones that land people on coffins forever.
Take care and be careful sweetie

KAT

KAT
Posted by Sar on Wed Jun 5 00:43:45 2002 (#3718)

yeah i'm going to the doctor on the 17th. I'll be okay

sar
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 5 03:35:08 2002 (#3720)

Good luck!!!!!!!!!

KAT

Re: uh oh
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 5 00:33:53 2002 (#3714)

The only thing I can say is to keep your cuts
clean and dry. Write me if you ever want to talk.
Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

bye bye xxx
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Jun 4 16:46:01 2002 (#3678)

hey guys. lately ive been feeling as though im just coming on to the board just for the hell of it. i used to feel reasured when i posted here, like it helped sooo much but now that seems to be fading away...and it has nothing to do with you guys at all....its just me. so ive decided not to come back to this board in a long long while....like when i hit rock bottom and i will appreciate this board more. i hope you all find some sort of happiness and good luck in your lifes. take care of yourselves guys....i do really care about you all (even though i hardly know anyone anymore...?)

ill miss you but this is something i have to do.....i need to sort my life out without solely depending on this board and the kindness in it. take care guys xxx

Re: bye bye xxx
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 4 17:16:46 2002 (#3680)

Yes Ive done this before.
On this board and the last one, it does seem to help, esppecially when the board may seem as though it is not helping you anymore, or it may be making you worse..It's ot uncommon, so take care.

Be safe

KAT

Re: bye bye xxx
Posted by She on Tue Jun 4 17:45:19 2002 (#3682)

I love you sweetie.
I know totaly how you feel Nut you better keep in touch with me girl or ill cry.really you better keep in touch or ill be forced to stalk you:o):o).
Love you more
Huge hug (im hugging the computer againg)
She

Re: bye bye xxx
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue Jun 4 21:00:13 2002 (#3693)

Don't know you well, but you've helped me before. Look after yourself. A break is probably a good thing. Come back soon!

Kayleigh

Re: bye bye xxx
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 5 00:31:03 2002 (#3713)

Take care of yourself and let me know how you are
doing every now and then. Would it be okay if I
still emailed you sometimes? I hope you find some
answers and if I can ever help, you just write me.
Love ya, Rhonda

lies
Posted by Death on Tue Jun 4 18:45:05 2002 (#3685)

i no this is shit but i feel like im made up of lies like cutting... its just a lie. can someone help?

Re: lies
Posted by melz on Tue Jun 4 20:41:48 2002 (#3690)

How is your cutting a lie? like you lie about your cutting?

Re: lies
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue Jun 4 21:08:21 2002 (#3694)

Cutting is all a lie. We lie to ourselves that it helps, that we need it. Truth is, we don't, we just convince ourseleves we do. My life is one big lie and I never know who I am.

"Trying to draw the line between who you are and who you invent." -Adam Cohen, 'Cry Ophelia'

Look after yourself

Kayleigh

Kayleigh
Posted by Death on Wed Jun 5 13:17:12 2002 (#3734)

thanx again i like that reply to lies, it helped me
Millie xxx

Re: lies
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 4 21:37:28 2002 (#3700)

you're right..I have looked at cutting as a lie.
It manipulates you to seem like you're okay.
It makes you think with cutting you'll be alright, and these are lies.
Cutting is a lie, it helps so much, it may even be the difference between life and death at one point, but cutting tells to many lies.

I thought it was my best and only friend.

Take care

KAT

Re: lies
Posted by She on Tue Jun 4 21:53:06 2002 (#3702)

hurm a lie i sppose you could see it that way .
Its the only thing in my life that seams real to me though.
Love you
She

Re: lies
Posted by chelle on Wed Jun 5 00:28:07 2002 (#3710)

i'll help, definitly.
anything you need, just email me anytime.
love*
chelle

HELP
Posted by Death on Tue Jun 4 20:24:14 2002 (#3686)

Please someone reply to "lies" i need someone to help please

Re: HELP
Posted by chelle on Wed Jun 5 00:30:11 2002 (#3712)

sweetie, Im here, really.
Maybe the things we're going through arent
exactly the same,
but really, I WILL HELP YOU!
I REALLY WILL!
dont be ashamed and just say what you need, or
how your feeling.
LOVE*
chelle

NO ONE FUCKING CARES
Posted by Death on Tue Jun 4 20:27:44 2002 (#3687)

I TOLD YOU... NO ONE FUCKING CARES...... EVERY ONE HATES ME.... WHY? I'M JUST A PERSON LIKE ALL THE REST OF YOU.... I CUT... I MAKE MYSELF SICK... I WANT DRUGS AND I SMOKE...... BUT NO ONE CARES.

Re: NO ONE FUCKING CARES
Posted by melz on Tue Jun 4 20:40:25 2002 (#3689)

i dont think anyone here hates you. i just saw your message right now. I'll go reply, ok?

Re: NO ONE FUCKING CARES
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue Jun 4 21:10:23 2002 (#3695)

I feel like that sometimes, I had a go about the board because I told them I was gonna kill myself and no one seemed to care. I don't know you and you don't know me, but I guess we hav things in common. Mail me and we can yell at each other, cry on each other metaphorical shoulders and generally chat. I like you already, you remind me of me. :o)

Kayleigh

To kayleigh
Posted by Death on Wed Jun 5 13:14:40 2002 (#3733)

thanx for your response... its just it always feels that way for me... you no wat i mean? Millie x

LISTEN!!
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 4 21:33:47 2002 (#3698)

Hold on, calm down!
We care..Im very sorry you're having such a hard time. Im sure a lot of us are, you know hun?

Throughout the day on this board people don't always come here every hour, and some of the threads arent read to later that day ..and if it says someone has read it and not responded then maybe that person didnt know what to say and didnt want to upset you further.
Dont think just because this that no one cares though.
Okay so I dont KNOW you..but I care and I'd like to help
but how?
whats the matter, whats going on.
sometimes just talking about the problem relieves you a little bit, I understand Ive been having some rough days and Ive talked about it and calmed down.
If you have aol you can INSTANT MESSAGE me at Paindivine101

I'll e-mail you.
Take care
relax
stay safe

KAT

Re: NO ONE FUCKING CARES
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 5 00:28:41 2002 (#3711)

I CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love ya, Rhonda

update
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jun 4 20:49:21 2002 (#3691)

Hi everyone,
Not been on as much as usual recently, haven't had the energy to be honest...
Today I spent the whole time lying on my bed, not even able to think, just staring in front of me. I tried to read a lot, but my concentration and the content of the book limits this to half an hour at a time.
I'm reading Catcher in the Rhye again, its a great book. So yeah, what can I say? I did try to watch a bit of TV but it seemed so bright and loud that i just turned it off again. Its bad enough being on this PC.
When i snap out of this a bit I will participate a lot more then I am currently, but thanks for your support and all. I havnt got the energy to reply to any threads at the moment, but on thursday I'll go down to the libary and work my way through every post.
I dont know why I'm talking all this crap, but just to let you all know.
Love you all
Ella x

Re: update
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue Jun 4 21:12:10 2002 (#3696)

Hope you're feeling better. I feel like that sometimes, but I guess with out my PC, I'd have no life and I'd end up killing myself. So sad that my lifeline is the internet. My only friends people I've never met...makes it easier for me. Cheer up, if only because I'm thinking of you.

Kayleigh

Re: update
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 4 21:36:04 2002 (#3699)

Take care
catcher in the rye is a great book. I love it!!

Being sad sucks the life out of you, *hugs*

KAT

Re: update
Posted by She on Tue Jun 4 21:50:32 2002 (#3701)

ELLA!!!!!!
Hiya
Ive missed you sweetie .He he this is the first time in ages ive been on here and recognised a name whooooooo.
God im sorry you ffel like that im sitting here sending you loads of energy and a (((((HUGEHUG))))
love you forevery baba
She

Re: update
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 5 00:27:28 2002 (#3709)

Here's a big((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))) )))))))))))
to let you know I'm thinking about you. Take care
of yourself honey.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: update
Posted by Jade on Wed Jun 5 17:35:22 2002 (#3736)

hey sweetie,
I've been gone Forever too, but just like yesterday and today I checked in to see how things were going. I was hoping to see you when I stopped in, I remember you're poems that I clicked so well with. Take care of yourself, otherwise I'll have to go over there and make you chicken soup and read you children's books :)
Huge (((((((HUG)))))))) ~Jade

Re: update
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 6 12:50:52 2002 (#3755)

Thanks for your support
Love Ella

Thanks
Posted by Kayleigh on Tue Jun 4 21:13:15 2002 (#3697)

Big thanks to everyone. I was going through rough shit and now I feel better. Rhonda especially, you've been great. :o)

Kayleigh

Re: Thanks
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 5 00:22:51 2002 (#3707)

I'm so glad to hear you're doing better. Anytime
you need me, I'll be here. Gosh, that kind of
sounds like a song!!(Hee! Hee!) Take care of yourself sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

.
Posted by unknown on Wed Jun 5 03:37:44 2002 (#3721)

how can you people say it will be ok?

the hurt and the pain will eventually go away?

NOTHING WILL EVER GO AWAY TILL WE ARE ALL DEAD!

Re: .
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 5 03:40:17 2002 (#3724)

not true..

just hang in there...

AAAAAAHHHH
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 4 22:10:39 2002 (#3703)

I'm going insane, I'm going to pull my fucking hair out.

you know when your entire body fills with rage and you can feel yourself just tensing up with anger and hatred..or does that only happen to me?
Because I'm "psyhco" "sick" "psychopath" "crazy"

Ohmy god......I don't know talking about what's going on helps but I don't just want to spill my guts all over the board (no pun intended)..

Look at me! I'm crying..hahahaha..I'm back to where I started.
How can I be so full of hatred! This much hate isn't healthy

What can I do?
how can I make these people go away, when I know they will NOT.

I'm freaking out..sorry.
Probably not a side many of you have seen in a while, or ever.
You know when your so depressed you wonder how can there be a god if you feel this much anguish, how can there be good people in the world when all you do is get shit on by people who once meant the world.

They will not stop, and they feed into this rage I feel..I hope I will control myself.

I can't
Im sad
I dont know what to do..

this made no sence..did it??
yeah I didnt think so

KAT

and more
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 4 22:21:34 2002 (#3704)

jeeez Im just spamming all over the board today arent I

I have done the damage, it's DONE.
it's over...and now the retaliation that I will recieve is unknown to me, but Im sure it wont be good.
Im afraid but I have gotten myself into this mess..what comes next I dont know.
I need to leave thi city, this mind that traps me into thinking so "bad"

but I can not..

Re: and more
Posted by melz on Wed Jun 5 00:21:01 2002 (#3706)

I know the feeling. I often am very full of rage, wanting to hurt someone, so it made sense to me. What did you end up doing? (not meaning to be nosey) I usually hurt myself, but that sometimes makes it worse...

Re: and more
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 5 00:25:46 2002 (#3708)

Aw honey, anything I can do to help? I will if I
can. Please take care and remember you have lots of friends here that care about you also. Especially me! Write if you want to.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: and more
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 5 03:43:48 2002 (#3727)

...

well I kind of destroyed something of someones(out of pure spite and rage) and this was probably something they couldnt re create very easily, although it didnt have any sentimental value (Im sure) but this girl is a total bitch too.

and so Im sure she will probably come by my house and like do something or to my car..I dont know, I just need to ditch out!!

KAT

Re: and more
Posted by chelle on Wed Jun 5 00:38:52 2002 (#3716)

hey KAT,
I know...I want to leave too...
I wanna get out of here...run away or something
maybe even dissapear.
everything made sense of what you said.
Im here whenever you need anything.
LoTs of LovE
chelle

Re: and more
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 6 12:49:46 2002 (#3754)

Hi Kat
I feel that rage too. It courses through me and red mist desends... I tense myself and the rage flows though me, torrent after torrent of pure untainted hate. Then I feel weak, I shake for a while... I must be psyko too...
Ahhhhhh, how can there be good when all I see is evil?
Write to me
Ella x

!!@*$%#^@#$%@
Posted by chelle on Wed Jun 5 02:48:30 2002 (#3719)

their so stupid!!!
who the hell do they think they are???
when i was fucking feeling like crap they didnt do shit for me!!!!!!!!!!!
why the hell are they acceptig me to do something for them!!!! insane bitches!!!!
why are they making me feel...so like shit.....
man...I hate them....

Re: !!@*$%#^@#$%@
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 5 03:39:30 2002 (#3723)

Chelle! I know what you mean..

Not sure who or what is goin on with you, (feel free to write me) but I understand.

People are so inconsiderate and always see things out of their point of view and theirs only.
Please take care

KAT

Re: !!@*$%#^@#$%@
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jun 5 03:42:49 2002 (#3725)

Are you talking Sex...or are you talking like...holding you close and comforting you?
Because you just totaly rammed the female population with what you just said...and I do give a fuck about you...even though i don't know you...i know how you feel.

please...
Posted by chelle on Wed Jun 5 05:29:04 2002 (#3732)

no..I wasnt talking sex...im sorry.
its the people in my house..all around me...
they treat me like crap!
everyone...evryone does...
i dunno.....their is noone to trust...
once i think they'd understand...
but the next minute they punch you down...
I truly wish that someday I'll meet someone that will understand everything...
and wont think im just a piece of shit because i cut myself...oh my god.....
i dunno......I fell sad...and lonely.

,.........
Posted by unknown on Wed Jun 5 03:42:59 2002 (#3726)

see how can you say ''not true just hang in there''

noone cares for me you or anyone else everyones out for themselfs and to hurt other ppl one way or another

people that talk to you about cutting you arms doing know nothing they preted they do and what your going through well its all a load of bollox

sooner we all die the better

Re: ,.........
Posted by unknown on Wed Jun 5 03:51:53 2002 (#3729)

see you know im speakign the truth

Re: !!@*$%#^@#$%@
Posted by unknown on Wed Jun 5 03:44:18 2002 (#3728)

see another one self self self

we should just all die then were be happy

Re: .....
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 5 04:00:41 2002 (#3730)

I'm confused as to what is going on here..??

I know what I am saying may not be true for everyone, but I'd like to think that one way or another things can get better. and for me this has proven to be correct.
Things were horrible, I tried suicide a few times...and after a long time things got so much better and I never expected that to happen.
Yes things are going shitty now..but thats life you know?
of course we will all die..dying is a part of life..just as being happy one day and sad the next is.
You know..
I care for people who show respect and for those who have not wronged me.
No one here has done that, so I care for everyone here..I know what they are going through because I have expereinced myself..and through experience comes knowledge..

take care

KAT

Re: .....
Posted by unknown on Wed Jun 5 04:03:40 2002 (#3731)

them personal stories should have a password on there strong material in them do you want us all to cut or something

Re: !!@*$%#^@#$%@
Posted by She on Wed Jun 5 16:23:55 2002 (#3735)

I know how you feel sweetie.
Loads of love and hugz
She

Re: !!@*$%#^@#$%@
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 6 12:44:35 2002 (#3753)

Hi
Yeah I know too... Kind of agree with unknown in this mood Im in, but I dunno... life is but a test...
Ella x

parents
Posted by erica on Wed Jun 5 22:03:29 2002 (#3737)

Hi all,
I have a question. I just moved back home about a month ago. Anyways I've done really good at not harming myself. But now I've started again. How do you cut with your parents around? My mum will walk in to my room anytime she wants, regardless wether the door is shut. Any suggestions would be helpfull.

erica

Re: parents
Posted by Death on Wed Jun 5 22:09:35 2002 (#3738)

i no its really annoying. i had that problem and then i did it in the bathroom because we have a lock on that door.

Millie x

Re: parents
Posted by Kayleigh on Thu Jun 6 00:30:32 2002 (#3746)

Sit against the door and do it, do it at school/work in the bathrooms, do it in the bathroom at home, do it when no one's around....I know every trick ion the book. lol.

Re: parents
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 6 12:41:21 2002 (#3752)

Hey
I cut at home, no one has ever walked in on me...
I cut at night, late. I lean against the door. I cut in the bathroom. I lean a chair etc againt the door to block it... ha, you aint got nothing on me Kayleigh! lol! But yeah, does your mum work? do it when she's out or something... or better still, go back to not doing it, but if you really need to then follow my advice.
Ella x

Re: parents
Posted by Kayleigh on Fri Jun 7 00:25:15 2002 (#3777)

*sticks tongue out playfully* Oh yeah?

Re: parents
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Fri Jun 7 02:19:56 2002 (#3782)

Do it late at night. When everyone is either asleep or sitting down quiet. That's what I do.

blood
Posted by melz on Wed Jun 5 22:11:34 2002 (#3739)

Ok, this is really weird...but when i go to get blood work done (every 6 weeks) I nearly pass out, almost everytime. I get really light-headed and dizzy. I dont have a problem with needles or blood. When I cut, i dont get light-headed at all, even after bleeding a lot, more than a tube they would take for blood work. So whats going on with me? I do not know, geuss im just weird.

Re: blood
Posted by chelle on Wed Jun 5 23:22:23 2002 (#3743)

i get like that too. weird huh?

Re: blood
Posted by Kayleigh on Thu Jun 6 00:32:18 2002 (#3747)

Yep, me too. Hate blood, but when I cut...it's just a high...nothing bad about it. Everything else makes me feel sick. Weird.

Kayleigh

Re: blood
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 6 12:37:57 2002 (#3751)

Hi
Yeah I hate needles, dont mind blood but needles... ugh, just dont like them.
Ella x

Re: blood
Posted by She on Thu Jun 6 14:09:02 2002 (#3758)

I like neadles but there we go .
Love you all
She

people...
Posted by chelle on Wed Jun 5 23:25:18 2002 (#3744)

I cant trust anyone anymore....
they lie to me......
and then they act like Ive hurt them...
like Im the bad one...
just becaus ethey dont get what they want....
they blame it all on me......
they call me the bitch....they call me the asshole....
or...maybe I just am what they all say.....
I feel....so bad...hurts like hell...

Re: people...
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 5 23:33:45 2002 (#3745)

Hi...

I am having a problem with a few certain people right now too..well particularly now.

I mean, they call me all these names because I cut myself and because Ive been to psych hospitals yet they cut themselfs too..yet Im the crazy one! AH SOMEONE EXPLAIN THAT TO ME

sorry anyway..
Trusting people takes a lot of time, and when you think you trust someone and they stab you in the back, it gets even more difficult Im sure you know.

I don't know why humans are such cruel beings ...
I'm sorry chelle..

To hurt that much takes a lot out of a person, a lot..
I was hurting a lot yesterday and I visted the cemetary where the few people who I once trusted now lay..it was comforting, hopefully you can find something that comforts you,
take care
love

KAT

Re: people...
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 6 12:35:58 2002 (#3750)

I can trust no one, I relate to nothing, there is no one in my world who can have any empathy for this feeling... I know how you feel all to well...
But dont blame yourself, I do that too. When things are out of control and everyone around me is blaming me, it is a lot easier to go along with them then to fight the pessism. It is not our fault. What we have done is immaterial, no one deserves this. So dont blame your self, its no ones fault.
Thinking of you,
Ella x

Re: people...
Posted by wallflower on Thu Jun 6 14:20:04 2002 (#3759)

Oh I know what you're saying. It's really hard to deal with. Don't blame yourself though. That will only make it worse, trust me. I've felt like that and then blamed myself and everyone else just got more mad at me. They were just like "look at her, she can't even control herself and then she feels sorry for herself." It sucked. . . yeah . . . that was my ex. . . and he thought I was the one hurting him! Oh, sorry. That was a random outburst

high
Posted by erica on Thu Jun 6 05:22:37 2002 (#3748)

Hi everyone,
Thank you to those who have responded to my last message.
Right now I am getting on a manic high. I have not had one like this since last summer. I am not sure what to do. I mean I really want to overdose. Not to kill myself, but to sort of make the shit stop. But I don't know what my parents would do. I don't know. All I have is a weeks worth of my medication, and about two weeks of one of them. See I get some on the side to help me when I freak out. Anyways, like I was saying, I don't know what exactly to do. We live out in the country in a town of about 250.
Oh well i'll see what happens.

erica

Re: high
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 6 12:32:10 2002 (#3749)

Hi erica,
I've had one manic phase before, so I kinda know how you feel, I dont know what advice to give, Im no expert... Dont OD though, ODin just makes you feel shitter then before, take care,
Ella x

Re: high
Posted by erica on Thu Jun 6 22:05:16 2002 (#3774)

thanx for your response. I made it through last night o.k
thanx

erica

life as I live it
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 6 13:10:29 2002 (#3756)

Been living up to my name recently.
Its like some one has stood on me.
My insides have shattered.
There is nothing but a low feeling which lets you go through life as a robot. Capable yet no quite right. Just low. I'm all broken and tainted and hurt. I feel nothing but this nothingness which hurts... Fits of rage and panic come and go but the low mood remains... I have said that I have been rock bottom before. That was a lie. All pales into significances... I siad that I was falling, this time no one caught me. I lie sprawled on the bottom... all alone.
Just as I've always been.
Ella x

Re: life as I live it
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 6 18:41:03 2002 (#3764)

You're not alone baba, you'll always have me. I love you more than you'll ever know. I've just sent you an email hun.
Hang on in there sweetheart, we all need people like you.
Love you always,
El x

Re: life as I live it
Posted by She on Thu Jun 6 21:33:57 2002 (#3768)

I lovveee you haney
Im here with you .
(((((((((((((((((((REALLY BIG HUG)))))))))))))))
I love you loads princess
She

it hurts...
Posted by kae on Thu Jun 6 13:39:36 2002 (#3757)

When my counsellor called my parents and my friends and told them about the 'severity' of my SI and suicidal intentions....everyone cared. Everyone wanted to help. Everyone wanted to make sure I was okay...

I can't say it was a pleasant time...I felt worse than I ever had in my life, even with their support. In fact, them feeling sorry for me made it all so much more real...so I put on a happy face and laughed with them again.

And suddenly, they decided that I was fine again.

Now, they don't ask how I am. They don't want to know how I feel, or if anythings changed. Because in their eyes, I'm okay. I'm perfectly alright.

Now, my counsellor doesn't even bother to see me. She has decided that I'm an immature, whiny, self-pitying child and she can't be bothered wasting her time on me. At one point, she was emailing me and calling my cellphone constantly to check that I was okay....now she doesn't even reply to my emails. I haven't spoken to her in 3 weeks. In that time, I had 2 breakthroughs - I actually decided I wanted to stop SI. I was so eager to tell her...but she never spoke to me. And both times, I've ended up cutting again.

I have a pretty good feeling that shes told my best friend (who also sees her) that I'm just 'at a stage where I'm feeling sorry for myself and wanting too much attention'. I know thats the kind of thing she'd say because thats what shes like. Tonight I told my friend that I had decided not to see the counsellor. Instead of the usual "what?? you have to!!" she just said "oh...just don't feel like it, aye?" and that was it. I know that she feels that my 'suicidal phase' was all false...that I did just want attention and that I would never really kill myself. She basically told me that when she said "yea, you were pretty open about it."

I finally got to a point where I want to start living normally.....stop the SI....get some direction for my future.....and suddenly everyone disappears. They're sick of me. They don't want to know me or my pain.

What do I do?? I want to start living normally again...but it seems like nobody really gives a shit whether I do or not. If I stop the SI, I want it to be for someone else, NOT for ME. I'm not that important to myself. But nobody else really cares....my friend saw the large, fresh cut on my arm in the weekend (by accident) and is acting like it wasn't there. Like normal people do that to themselves all the time. She refuses to acknowledge it.

I've just had enough. I want to die...this time I feel strong enough to go through with it.

Well, we'll see, won't we.

kae

Re: it hurts...
Posted by wallflower on Thu Jun 6 14:32:07 2002 (#3760)

Oh, huh, please don't kill yourself. What would you be doing it for? I've felt like that before and when I thought about it I realized that the only reason I was concentrating so heavily on suicide was that I wanted people to understand that I was not okay yet. I wanted them to aknowledge that I needed them. I myself have trouble saying that, just like I have trouble asking for help. That's why it was so hard for me to ask to see a therapist in the first place. Then she "got the flu" and never rescheduled. I never asked to see a therapist after that, although things got a lot worse and I needed one more than ever. I am seeing one again now, but only because my mom found out about my SI and told me I had to. She never really checked up on me though. I almost feel like she thinks that since I am seeing a therapist now, I am automatically fine. The therapist seems to expect that since I'm seeing her about SI it means I am trying hard to stop now. She was so surprised when she asked if I had cut in the last week and I said yes. . . anyway, if you need to talk to someone I am here. Please feel free to email me. I love emails, but my mailbox is always empty, so I will definitely respond the minute I get an email.

Re: it hurts...
Posted by She on Thu Jun 6 16:42:14 2002 (#3761)

Hiya Sweetie xxxxxxx
I dont know you very well so i hope you dont mind me replying .
Hunny thats so bad people really dont have a clue sometimes i guess.
Is there another counseler you could go and see.
Its wonderfull youve decided to stop and you should be stopping for yourself not n e one else.When i eventually gave up heroin i was so chuffed cuase i did it alone no one know i was giving up apart form some people here .If you Every need help the in here hun.
Sweetie please dont kill yourself you to preciouse to .
(((((((((((((HUGE HUGGGG)))))))))))
If you want to talk im here
(((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))) )))))))))
(((((((((((((((((hug)))))))) )))))))))
Loads of love and hugs and support
She

Re: it hurts...
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 6 18:31:07 2002 (#3762)

Hi Kae..

ahhh I know what you're talking about. That same! exact thing happened to me..
after the first two hospitals I went into, well after I was released I went into therapy for about 6 months 3 times a week, and then It went to once every two weeks, and finally I stopped. but towards the end of therapy I was getting really depressed but I lied to my counselor because I was sick of seeing her.
EVERYONE thought I was "fine" " back to normal" like what had happened to me was something only about me and thatI had gotten over it, but the truth was what was happening to me was a direct effect from what other people were doing to me and what I was doing with them. It wasnt my problem, it was our problem that no one wanted to face.

They started forgetting everything that I had beeen through and they treated me like shit again because well things were back to normal for them too I guess.
One day my mom saw my wrist had been cut and she said why did you do that again! and I said It was just one last time, I needed it, and she let it go..like ok whatever, if you promise it's the last time
Yeah fucking right..who's going to believe that!

sorry IM going off on another story here...anyway..
It reallly sucks when things seem to be okay in everyones eyes but your own, it takes time for things to go back to some sort of normal and even then the memories are fresh and they can still hurt.

Take care Kae! you're special
don't give up
you've been through too much

take care
love KAT

Back again
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 6 18:47:33 2002 (#3765)

hey guys.
Just wanted to say that for anyone who cares I'm back now. I'm not doing too good. Think I'm gonna have to leave home, things have hit rock bottom.
My mums got worse. I feel hated from every corner of this goddamn world. I just need someone to hold me and tell me it's ok. I need my mum.

Anyways, I hope everyone's ok. I've tried to read posts and things that have been written since I went away but I'm finding it hard to reply at the moment sorry. I'm not ignoring any of you, I'd never do that.
Please feel free to ignore this crap, I just had to touch base. Feel like i'm losing it and you guys somehow make me feel real.
Love to you all,
El

Re: Back again
Posted by She on Thu Jun 6 21:38:04 2002 (#3769)

I missed you so much honey.
Ohh babay im sao sorry . It sometimes helps to leave for a little while i really wish i could be there to give you a huge hug sweetie but dont forget what i said id travle the world for you if you need my hug i'll be on the next train but till then
((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGGLES))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((MORE HUGZZ)))))))))))))))))))
I love you so much girl
Shexxxxxxxx
I care

Re: Back again
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 6 21:46:12 2002 (#3772)

I missed you too baba!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The worst thing was knowing that I couldn't talk to you. Weird huh?
Anyway I'm back now!!!!
Have a (((((((((HUGGGGGGGGGEEEEE HUG)))))))))) back!
Love you forever and ever,
El x

Re: Back again
Posted by She on Thu Jun 6 23:06:10 2002 (#3775)

I missed you more .
((((((Hugzzzzz))))))))))
love you for ever and ever
She~berry

therapy!!!
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 6 19:44:16 2002 (#3766)

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm just back from therapy, I can not believe it!
She asked me if there was possibly any where else I could move out and live with. She asked me if I had any other family.
I don't but it's the thought.
She asked me to have a talk to mum about going on anti-depressents, to talk to her about the seriousness of the situation.
I will try, but I make no promises.
She told me if I'm gonna live, that is what I have to do: LIVE. Not just tick over, put life on hold because it's easier then facing up to it.
Ahhhhhhhhhh, what a thought....
Ella x

Re: therapy!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 6 21:32:16 2002 (#3767)

That's so great!!!!!! It could really make the difference for you! I can see it now, you, She, Donna and me are all gonna make it through this shit and we're gonna meet up at my book party and be happy together.... it's a nice thought isn't it? :-)
I hope it works, let me know!!!!
Love you loads and loads,
El x x

Re: therapy!!!
Posted by She on Thu Jun 6 21:41:27 2002 (#3770)

That sounds lovley hunny . That dose sound like it could really help.
Whe i went to me first counseler when i was a little younger they told my mother they are worried about me and my home life and she should ger her act together and she did .It really helped.
Your brave hunny
Love you soooooooo much
She

Re: therapy!!!
Posted by Kayleigh on Fri Jun 7 00:30:54 2002 (#3778)

Face up to life...guess thats what I need to do. I cut because I can't face life, responsibilty and loss...it's good advice. Doesn't make it easier to follow it though, does it?

Look after yourself,

Kayleigh

((((((el,ella,and donna))))))
Posted by She on Thu Jun 6 21:44:15 2002 (#3771)

hello he he guess what i fell asleep on my keybord.Ive woke up now (obviously)and i was reldint eleanors and ellas messages . Owwwww girls i love you all so much .
HUGE hugz from me.
Im so perthetic i started crying when i read eleanors then i really cryed when i read ellas
Ive missed you .
Love you forever
She

Re: ((((((el,ella,and donna))))))
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 6 21:49:18 2002 (#3773)

I cried when I read ella's post too, still crying now! I love you loads!!!
Missed you sooooooo much!!!
Three (((((((((((HUGE hugs))))))))))))) for my three favourite people.
Love el x

Re: ((((((el,ella,and donna))))))
Posted by She on Thu Jun 6 23:07:45 2002 (#3776)

ohhh were so emotional he eh (my psyke allways says i cant show my emotions ha ha shes wrong)
(((((((((((((MORE HUGZ AND SOME TISSUES))))))))
love you forever
She

Re: ((((((el,ella,and donna))))))
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jun 7 14:19:14 2002 (#3789)

huh, psychs. what the hell do they know anyway?! :-)
Love you always,
El xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: ((((((el,ella,and donna))))))
Posted by She on Fri Jun 7 14:32:58 2002 (#3794)

Boo
hiya hun
Are you on line still ?
Yep stupid psykes duh duh youd thin after all there medical experiace they would be able to figure something like that out hee hee hee
la la la dee dee laa Ive had to much weed hee hee hee.
ok im gonna shut up now .
Love you hunny
She

"Tomorrow is never gonna come its allways fucking today so how the hell can i change it "

Re: ((((((el,ella,and donna))))))
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jun 7 17:45:25 2002 (#3796)

Boo to you too!
hey baba! I'm here now but you probably aren't. I liked that line, it's so true!!
it's dad's party tonight, I'm all dressed up....hmmmmmmmmmmm.
Love you!
Ellsy bells x x

Re: ((((((el,ella,and donna))))))
Posted by Broken Girl on Fri Jun 7 19:45:22 2002 (#3802)

Hey She and Eleanor,
I love you both loads, ahhhhhhhh your so sweet! So whats going on with you too then???
Love Ella x

Re: ((((((el,ella,and donna))))))
Posted by She on Fri Jun 7 20:11:16 2002 (#3805)

Ohhhhh i bet you look absoulutly gourgouse hunny im jelouse .
hee hee guess what i went shopping and i got some nonflamable clothes and and bong whoo well be able to take it to the igloooooooooo.
Hiya Ella xxxxxx hee hee I lovvveee you too.
(((((((((((((((huge hugzz)))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((more hugz)))))))))))))))))))))
Ohh Jade had this really good idear ill tell you all later.
Love and HUGZZZZZZZZZZZZ
She~berry

Re: ((((((el,ella,and donna))))))
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jun 8 13:20:43 2002 (#3834)

hey baba!
That sounds so cool, can't wait!!
hey ella hun, I love you too!!!!!!!!!!
Lots of things have been going on, will email you both later to tell all!
Love you both (and you Jade!!!! See, if I can include you in this then you can respond!! lol!)
El x

lots of stuff
Posted by joe on Fri Jun 7 00:41:32 2002 (#3779)

well, hello AGAIN. this is like the third time i have come back to this board. (not for a while now though). under some weird name that i do not remember now. anyway -
i thought i was doing really well, i was feeling better (kinda, im bipolar), hadnt cut in AGES, not through force of will, just through not needing to. then the other day, i sharpened my knife so that i could cut some string or something. all of a sudden, im feeling like shit, and there are 6 cuts on my arm. i have a girlfriend now, my first, she is really great, but i dont want her to know that i am cutting again. when she saw my scars, she cried, and i know it will upset her to see cuts. i also really hate people trying to help me, no matter who they are. i cant really just wear a sweat-band like i do in PE at school, because she will want to know why, and it doesnt cover all the cuts, let alone all the scars. i cant really just wear long sleeved tops when im with her... so what do i do ? also, i have now started swimming 4/5 times a week, and for the 5 minutes it takes to get changed and get to the pool, everyone either stares at me, or whispers to their mates. its hard to cover the cuts :'(
and another thing, when i am at work (part time job), i have now been roped into doing the washing up. i have to roll my sleeves up for that. its all getting too much. <--- this all sounds pathetic in context, but i mean along with everything else that is happening to me at the moment.
sorry for the long post. needed to get that lot out of my system somewere...

Re: lots of stuff
Posted by joe on Fri Jun 7 01:26:31 2002 (#3780)

i forgot to expand on the ' i hate people helping me ' part. thats not quite what i meant. i hate people who dont really understand trying to help me. i want to be left alone...
but then i come here to get advice... d'oh
sorry

Re: lots of stuff
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 7 02:00:44 2002 (#3781)

well as for the swimming and thoe job and All I don't know what to tell you, because I have the same problem..and I do wear long sleeves when necessary .
but as for your girlfriend , I think, the best thing to do would to either let the cuts heal and then try and stay safe and work through things, otherwise tell her about you cutting again and feeling like shit.
When someones cutting and there's other people involved (family, friends, husband, girlfriend)
then the relationship is most lily to go down hill or to get on bad terms if you're not honest. If you don't explain to them a head of time and then they see these cuts, well they just won't understand..and that can get out of control.

don't know if that helped but take care

KAT

Re: lots of stuff
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jun 7 14:26:59 2002 (#3790)

hey. I always try to explain about my cuts before I start a relationship with anybody, that way they can get out before it gets serious if they need to. It's hard though.
I can't really help with the swimming or job thing, if i need to i just roll up my sleeves and hope nobody notices. It's a bit risky though, sometimes the questions asked are really awkward. Sorry, this isn't helpng much is it?
Ermmmm, I know what you mean about people who don't understand trying to help. It's so frustrating when they're doing and telling you to do all this stuff when they really haven't got a clue.
Anyways, this psot was totally useless and I apologise!
Take care, love el x

Re: lots of stuff
Posted by joe on Fri Jun 7 15:27:49 2002 (#3795)

thanks :)
both helpful, not useless at all!!

Re: lots of stuff
Posted by mego on Fri Jun 7 22:02:22 2002 (#3813)

i dont know what to tell you about swimming and work. i keep waterproof makeup on the scars on my arm, but i doubt you'll do that. i have a scar fading cream thing, its called "natural logix scar and blemish creme" or something close to that. it helped a little. as for your girlfriend, if i had a boyfriend who was having problems like that, i'd want him to tell me he did it again before i had to see it and find out on my own. be honest with her, i don't know if its like this with most girls, cause i'm pretty fucked up, but i hate it when guys aren't honest with me about shit. it makes me feel like i can't trust them about anything, and that includes a relationship, you know?? but everyone's different. thats just my thoughts.

Re: lots of stuff
Posted by joe on Sat Jun 8 02:51:38 2002 (#3825)

thanks. i may not always agree with what people say, but i am usually empathic (sp?) enough not to worry too much.
i would be honest with her(my gf), but i know it will upset her so much. :( i guess it will upset her more if she knows i didnt tell her though, i know i was really upset when she lied to me about something. il talk to her. as for work, i just stuck a big plaster over my arm, a sweatband, and just told them i had fallen off my bike. they gave me funny looks, but i survived. thanks for your help guys

Thumping Pain....
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Fri Jun 7 02:34:02 2002 (#3783)

I had plans with my boyfriend for this upcomming Wensday, i'm almost out of school. This summer is going to be hecktick. I'm doing my best just to keep myself bussy, cause if i don't i do something bad. And I just found otu he can't make it, all because his fucking dad had to go to Kansas that FUKCING ONE DAY! How the hell does that happen?!!! It hurts so bad i feel like i'm going to drown myself in my own blood. I'm sorry to rant, but i need to try and get this out before i really do something dumb.
Meg...

Re: Thumping Pain....
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jun 7 14:30:08 2002 (#3793)

hey if ranting helps then go for it. I know I do and it probably drives you all mad but it helps me.
I'll listen to you rant anytime. Take care,
El x

Re: Thumping Pain....
Posted by mego on Fri Jun 7 21:41:32 2002 (#3811)

that sucks. just keep coming here to vent, e-mail me if you need to talk.

That's what I need
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Fri Jun 7 03:18:52 2002 (#3784)

dakwolf says:
i need help
dakwolf says:
i know
General Of The Elite says:
yes you do
General Of The Elite says:
like a mans shaft inside of your tight vaginal space
dakwolf says:
like a stong mans hands around my waist...holding me tight and close so i feel safe
dakwolf says:
thats what i need right now

Re: That's what I need
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 7 04:07:47 2002 (#3785)

Interesting...
let me tell you what I need..
some peace and quiet
and then some reallly loud music

some liqour and a few dollars..I'll be good to go.
KAT

Re: That's what I need
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jun 7 14:28:21 2002 (#3792)

I need a cigarette....
I could relate to that. It was cool.
El x

Re: That's what I need
Posted by mego on Fri Jun 7 21:37:39 2002 (#3810)

a cigarette would be great right now, but guess what?? my dumbass smoked all mine last night and i feel bad looking for someone to bum one off of. and some weed, and alchohol, and music and people to chill with who wont be fucking morons about shit.

Re: That's what I need
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sat Jun 8 02:37:21 2002 (#3824)

I havn't fallen into shit like drugs. Thankfully. But thats what my friend told me las tnight...that i needed sex. And i tried something later that night just to try and feel what it was like and how i would react...i'm still a virgin...and oddly...he was right. I fell right to sleep after I did that. *sighs* I just need to be dead...

Re: That's what I need
Posted by mego on Sat Jun 8 03:26:17 2002 (#3828)

yeah, i have a friend like that. only whenever she knows i'm upset about something or i'm in a bad mood, she tells me "you need to go find a guy and give him head" like a fucking moron. yeah, thats gonna make me feel a hell of a lot better. goddamn... whatever though... dont have sex till youre ready and in love and youre sure its love, dont do it cause your friends tell you it will make you happy. chances are it will just hurt you worse.

do any of you remember me??
Posted by mego on Fri Jun 7 04:53:19 2002 (#3786)

there are a lot of new people since i last came here. my mom keeps finding my cuts, threatening to send me to a hospital. she's threatened 3 times in the past couple months. its not gonna happen. i can't think of any more places that i can hide them. i don't even have a razor any more. just a fucking kitchen knife. yeah, that does a lot of good. it takes so long to really bleed with it. i have to go bathing suit shopping tomorrow. it sucks. its funny, after the first few weeks, my parents stopped asking me if i was okay. now its like nothing ever happened, like they never knew about it, except when my mom is drunk and asks about it. nag nag nag. i dont know anything anymore. i'm so unsure of everything going on around me. i can't even really write anymore. not that anything was ever really good, but it helped me vent. i cry once in a while, but it doesn't help. only cutting, and i haven't done that in what... 3 weeks?? too long. too much, everything. i can't even sleep good without drinking or smoking or taking pills, i'm even startin to od on cold medicine to get me to sleep. maybe its the diet pills. maybe its not cutting. maybe its everything thats building up. i'm gonna just snap someday, soon i think, just let it all out. wouldnt it be great to just let everything go?? sometimes, at night when its quiet and i'm laying in bed trying not to think about everything and just fall asleep, i wonder what would happen if i just left. just walked out of the house and started walking...somewhere. i dont know where, just wherever... if i just walked away from everything and never came back. it would be great. but once my money ran out, once i smoked all my cigarettes, what would i do?? walk back, get into a shitload of trouble. i need someone to hold me and tell me i'm okay and everything will get better. once in a while someone will come along and hold me for just long enough for me to start to calm down and feel safe. then they're gone like everything else thats good. then i'm back to where i started. do any of you even remember me?? its like... i dont know. i left, now i'm forgotten, life here goes on without me. why wouldn't life outside this damn website go on without me?? maybe a couple people would notice i was gone, school would start again in the fall, a couple people would notice i was gone, say "thats a shame, now whos work can i copy off of" or "now who am i gonna be a bitch with??" and that would be it. i wonder who would show up at my funeral. i wonder how fast word would get around, i wonder if anyone would cry. but life would go on, because it always does. i dont know what any of this is. mind dribble or something. didnt someone on here say that once? a mind dribble by...someone. cant remember who. what happened to everything?? everyones gone, everyones fucked up, everyones trying to pull me in. "snort a couple lines" "here, i'll stick the needle in for you if youre scared, don't worry, it will feel good" "come upstairs with me, its no big deal. i won't hurt you, i promise. it will feel good" yeah. right. self destruction right here. moms coming, gotta go.

MEGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jun 7 14:17:19 2002 (#3788)

Hey you!
I've been meaning to write to you for ages but things have been pretty fucked up. I didn't want you to think i'd forgotten you. You really made a difference to me.
I've missed you girl. I'm sorry things are so shitty for you. Everythings so screwed up. It's so good to see you back here!
take care of yourself sweetie,
El x

Re: do n e of you remember me?
Posted by She on Fri Jun 7 14:27:19 2002 (#3791)

HIYA!!!!!!!
Ohh my god ive missed you so much .Yeah there LOADS of new people on here now .
I know how you feel id love to leave my crappy life behind and start fresh i will one day i cant fucking wait .I dont think n e one would notce if i left i Went on "holliday" 2 or 3 weeks ago and my mother didnt notice hee hee maby im invisable i wonder if i am sometimes .
God please dont let them pull you in its a hell of alot easyer to start then it is to stop .
((((((((((((((((((huge hug)))))))))))))))))
Huurm i was just wondering where youd gone .
Loads of love n hugz and pritty daisys
She

Re: do any of you remember me??
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 7 18:32:49 2002 (#3799)

Hey there sweetie!!!!!

I would say nice to see you back here, but it's never nice to see someone suffering so much.
But welcome..

Not sure what so say..I'll talk to you on AIM if you ever want to talk.
take care of yourself!
you're truly such an awsome person!
i love you
KAT

Re: do any of you remember me??
Posted by Broken Girl on Fri Jun 7 19:47:10 2002 (#3803)

Hi Mego
I remember you, your poems and posts always made so much sense.
Yeah, my mum is like that... sort of. I know how you feel though.
Welcome back and all
Ella x

Re: do any of you remember me??
Posted by *me* on Fri Jun 7 19:57:50 2002 (#3804)

Hey!! Course I remember you. Congrats on not cutting for THREE WEEKS! That's fantastic. It must seem like hell. I couldn't do it.

And your whole "mind dribble" - I've had the EXACT same thoughts. Like just to leave the house and walk...and just keep walking...like in Forest Gump when he just RUNS. And the funeral thing - I think that all the time. Like who would really care if I died? And their lives would just move on, eventually no one would remember or care. Someone did use to say "A mind dribble by..." but I can't remember who, either.

I don't know what else to say. I'm here if you need anything. Even if it's just a familiar name to vent to. Whatever. Take care and stay safe. Try not to do anything you might regret later.

Lots of love.

messed up
Posted by chelle on Fri Jun 7 10:12:39 2002 (#3787)

everything is getting so messed up now..
I really dont know anything....
u know...the words that hurt you so much never goes away...it stays with you every single minute you see the person who said it to you......their face....their everything starts to push you all the way down to the ground.....I know i do things that some people can never understand....but that doesnt mean....Im full of shit right?
oh god....it was like a month ago when my dad said all these crap to me....and still it comes back like nightmares....why doesnt he understand that I need someone to talk to.....it hurts so bad I dont know what to do....noone understands....my mom anybody....they just look at me and walk away....even if they see me crying...when I tell someone I think I trusted...that I have Si...they walk away.....
Im sorry I wrote so much.....I just had to get it out of me.......it hurts...

Re: messed up
Posted by Eleanor on Fri Jun 7 17:51:31 2002 (#3797)

I know what you mean. Sometimes words can scar as bad as cuts, but instead of the actual scars to remind you of the pain you hear the words over and over again in your head. It drives me crazy.
My parents are pretty shitty too. They don't understand, won't try to understand. It hurts like hell, especially the way they look at me....or look through me. Like I'm not really there, or if they pretend i'm not then I'll go away.
I'm sorry things are like that for you. If you wanna talk or anything then please email me.
Take care of yourself hun.
Love always,
El x

Re: messed up
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 7 18:37:07 2002 (#3800)

hey there...
Im going to write you back asap.
but for now..I know just what you are talking about.
for years before I even started SI my parents and I would get into awful fights and I was pretty young then and the words they called me would sting my veins my blood my everything so bad, and when I would cry they would just get violent.

It's just to complicated to try and understand why people won't understand,won't even take the time..even if they love you.

Chelle..take care hun!!!

I understand..I know, thats not much, and Im no where near you right now( maybe though)
and so...keep fighting for yourself if no one else is going to help.

LOVE YA
KAT

Re: messed up
Posted by She on Fri Jun 7 20:14:10 2002 (#3806)

I know what you mean
Love n hugz
she

Re: messed up
Posted by mego on Fri Jun 7 20:41:28 2002 (#3807)

yeah, i know... it sucks. i've been through the same shit. just find someone here to stick with, we won't leave you. e-mail me if you ever need to talk.