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Threads 851 to 875

She,Ella,Jade,Donna,Mego,Kat,Rhonda...............
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 11 20:27:58 2002 (#3952)

I was thinking today about how little i have in my life that makes me feel good about myself. I have no friends, my family don't care about what's happening to me....the only thing I have is you guys.
You are the only people who have been there for me unconditionally and I wanted to say thank you for saving my life on more than one occasion. I love you guys.

She: your my best friend in the world and i love you so much. We'll make it to our igloo won't we? Love, hugs and a big pool full of happy penguins drunk on champagne!! :-)
I love you girl, thank you x x x x x x x x x

Ella: Never give up baba, cause I'll never give up on you. Give Bob a hug for me (lol!!!!)
Love you. x x x

Jade: You never fail to make me smile. the world would be a shitty place without people like you who make it all worthwhile. Thanks for everything.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((hug ))))))))))))))))))))))
I owe you a few of those!! :-)loads of love. x

Donna: Where are you girl?? I miss you. I've not seen you around for ages!!! If you read this email me or something to let me know your ok yeah?? You might have told me you were going away or something but you know what I'm like, memory like a sieve! Love you hunni. x x

Mego: What can I say except thank you. There are times you've helped me more than you'll ever know and I have so much respect for you. I love ya girl.

Kat: you are living proof that things can get better. I love reading your replies to posts because you always make so much sense and no matter how depressing the subject is you always manage to give some hope. Thank you hun. Love always. x

Rhonda: My internet mom!!! I've said it before and I'll say it again, I wish I had a mom like you. Thank you for all you have given to me, I love you from the bottom of my heart.

To anyone I missed out, I appreciate anyone who replies to my posts and you all mean more to me than I can say.
LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I'm starting to sound like i'm on something now so I'll shut up.
Hope you're all ok.
El xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: ........
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 11 20:41:47 2002 (#3957)

that was realllllly really really sweet of you.
I like these posts that are happy

I too feel like from the psyke boards from the start of my visit until now, it's helped me much more then any therapist could. and your right El..it's also saved my life, way way in the past when I was reallllly feelin shitty.
everyone you mentioned plus everyone else,JUST EVERYONE
haha

I feel like im giving an award speech

but thanks for making me smile after a long day of summer school.

El: you mentioned everyone, but you didn't mention you, so I will..you're always there to help even if you don't know what to say.
just the slightest "love you" can help someone through a toughest time.
love ya
KAT

Re.......
Posted by She on Tue Jun 11 20:51:46 2002 (#3959)

hiya hunnie
Wow that was a long subject hee hee.
OOOohhhhh i got an idear ill post it in a min.
hee hee kats right you put everyone on it but you missed out yourself so
To Eleanor me best friend and the best thing that has ever ever come to me in th whole wide universe we will make it out and were gonna be smilling when we do it.Your the only reson im alive and surviving and where we go to alaska were gonna have to sobber up our penguins and the catch up on all our ((((((((((HUGZZ))))))))))) and spend all night in the champane tub befor going to one of the thousands of alaskan party.
love you for ever
She

Re: She,Ella,Jade,Donna,Mego,Kat,Rhonda...........
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 12 01:34:39 2002 (#3970)

I love you too Eleanor!!! You're my internet
daughter, just like everyone else. Gosh, I have
such a huge family!!!(HEE!HEE!) Take care sweetie!
Love ya, Rhonda

Erryn,Nicke..........EVERYONE
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jun 12 17:07:36 2002 (#3986)

Hey. I just wanted to say that that post was to say how wonderful you ALL are, not just the people I named. You've ALL helped me through tonnes of shit. Love to you all. x x x

Erryn: I dunno if you come on here anymore but I just want you to know I love you and miss you. I hope things are going ok with your son. If you read this let me know yeah?

Nicke: I'm glad you decided to stay. I'd miss you if you went. Love you loads.
P.S You have GREAT taste in music, did I ever tell you that?!

EVERYONE: I'm not missing anyone out this time. I love ya all, even if I don't know you too well. I'm always here for anyone who needs me, just mail me ok?

El x

Re: Erryn,Nicke..........EVERYONE
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 20:53:31 2002 (#4031)

It's nice to be appreciated

Really though I am just glad that I can help people because that is what keeps me alive...

Oh yeah, I now I have WICKED taste in music, but then so do you...

Love you hunny, keep smiling...

Nicke

Re: She,Ella,Jade,Donna,Mego,Kat,Rhonda...........
Posted by Jade on Wed Jun 12 22:13:28 2002 (#3988)

oh El, you're so sweet, I don't know what I'd do without you. Huge hug and loads and loads of love, Jade

The psyke awards
Posted by She on Tue Jun 11 20:57:46 2002 (#3960)

Hello wow its a long time since ive posted and today im gonna post something nice (i hope)(heeheehee)
I was reading Kats last post and it would be pritty cool if we could have a Psyke award .Things have sort of driffted apart for a little while on psyke so it would be pritty cool if we could have a "psyke award ceromany" and try to bring it back together.
What dose everyone think let me know if its a totaly crap iders (i come up with dumb idears sometimes:o)) i know a few other disscusion boards have done it befor so why not us .
Well n e way what awards could we have i thourght of
-the best newcommer
urmm well thats all i can think of at the moment
Love you all loads
She
-

Re: The psyke awards
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 11 21:26:38 2002 (#3963)

hehe
*smiling*
that's a cute idea She

I think we all deserve an award for still being here and still breathing, because Im sure many times we've wanted to let go..but we are stlll here!!
Take care sweetie
love KAT

Re: The psyke awards
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 11 22:11:49 2002 (#3964)

I think that's a great idea sweetie! You'd win the award for the most loveable princess in the world (and on the board!) :-)
Seriously though, I think it's great.
Love you loads and loads,
El xxxxxxxx

Re: The psyke awards
Posted by Jade on Wed Jun 12 22:19:54 2002 (#3989)

I think it's a sweet idea, but I'm not sure if I get exactly what it's gonna be. It would be sad if some one didn't get an award, but it would be hard to get everyone, who choses who gets what award? I think that since it's your idea it can be your project, or you can have a committee or something :) I bet that you can make it work out great!
*I'll bring the confetti, Jade

Re: The psyke awards
Posted by She on Wed Jun 12 23:11:20 2002 (#3992)

hee hee ill have an award for everyone your all lovley

Re: The psyke awards
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 20:40:06 2002 (#4027)

Great idea.

Keep us all posted on the ideas...

Nicke

My friend
Posted by Gina Castle on Tue Jun 11 21:18:58 2002 (#3961)

My friend has a problem where he cuts himself. I know he is ashamed of it and he doesn't know I know. I want to help him but I know him to well and all he'll do is deny it. He told me that he was jumped the one time after his mother had told me he cut himself. So that right there tells me he is ashamed of it. My mom had said that it is a way for him t relieve pain and I think she may be right. I am just afraid that he i going to go to far with it. He is By-Polar and a Manic depressant. I know he has problems and I know he is hurting. He often feels no one likes, or loves him. I fear for his life. I want to know if there is anyway I can hlp him without letting him know I know. Thanks for hearing me. Gina

Re: My friend
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 11 21:24:50 2002 (#3962)

Gina..that's a question Im sure a lot of people ask themself all the time, especially caring friends and family members.

You are so awsome for still being there for him, while I was cutting very badly I lost ALL of my friends and thats one that that drove me to suicide.
Please stay there by his sidefor as long as you can stand it, and without it effecting you in a bad way.
Let him know that your therefor him, and that he can talkto you..thats not saying that you know, but in a way you kind of both know you know.
sorry if that didnt make sence.

Im not exactly sure whatelse there is, I know there are message boards on the internet for friends and family of people who self injureand who has mental illness.
Im also bipolar and I would say things I didnt mean to people I really cared about, so just to let ya know..be careful.
Im not sure about the links, but if you need anymore help ask and Ill get them
take care
KAT

Re: My friend
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 11 22:15:33 2002 (#3965)

hey Gina. It's great that you care about your friend so much, all my friends deserted me when they found out about my cutting. It can be so lonely, but I can see your friend won't have to go through that with you.
The best thing that you can do is just be there for him. Don't judge him, don't force him to talk, but let him know that you're there if he wants to talk. We just need someone to be there for us.
Good luck hun.
Love El x

Re: My friend
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 12 01:32:15 2002 (#3969)

Gina,
I admire you for standing by your friend when a
lot of other so called friends will probably leave
if his cutting ever comes out in the open. Let him
know that you are always there for him, no matter
what, then be there!! Let him talk whenever he
feels the need to tell you. Whatever you do, please don't judge him. My daughter used to cut and it was her way of dealing with emotional pain
in her life. She was comfortable enough with me to
come to me when she did cut and I would help her
clean the cuts. Just let your friend know that no
matter what happens, you will always be there to
support and help him. If you have any questions,
feel free to email me. Take care honey, you sound
like someone very special.
Love, Rhonda

Re: My friend
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jun 12 16:45:18 2002 (#3983)

Just be ther for him. Let him know that you are there for him and that he can trust you.

You may be helping him now just by being his friend, he just may not be able to show you.

One thing is though, don't force the issue, if you put pressure on him that might work against him, like I said just be ther for him.

Good luck, NIcke

Re: My friend
Posted by Jade on Wed Jun 12 22:29:25 2002 (#3990)

Your veiw on the situation is the right one. Remember that more then anything he needs you to be there, and even if he isolates himself, or does things that you don't understand, that he needs more than anything to know that you care and that you will be there for him, no matter what. Don't force any issues and don't try to make him do anything, just let him know that if he wants to talk that you'll listen, and that you want him to be safe and happy because you care. Emphasize the 'because you care'. You don't have to sit down and have this discussion with him or anything, just make sure he knows. I hope that this works out, Jade

Re: My friend
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jun 13 03:29:46 2002 (#3997)

I am manic depresent...you have to let him know you care...you have to SHOW him. Go up to him, hug him, hold him close and tell him you care for him, let him know you will always be there, and your afriad...it will get to him...trust me...i'm him...in most ways.

Scared
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 11 22:21:27 2002 (#3966)

I don't know what to do. About ten minutes ago i was watching tv on the sofa when I started having this coughing fit. it really hurt and I couldn't stop, I was just couhging and coughing and I coughed up something that looks like blood. Then my nose started to bleed and I'm sitting there bleeding all over the place and do you know what my mum did? She sat there looking me straight in the eye telling me how shit my brother is and yelling at him. She didn't even ask if i was ok. FUCK, how much blood does she need on her hands for her to notice?
I'm scared. I'm scared somethings really wrong with me. Why doesn't she give a fuck? I was coughing my insides out for fucks sake and she didn't even bat an eyelid. I'm scared.
I don't know what to do. I wanna cut so badly. What the hell, a little more bloods not gonna make any difference is it? She isn't gonna notice. SHIT

Re: Scared
Posted by She on Tue Jun 11 23:04:17 2002 (#3967)

are you ok honnie (stupid question) are you gonna go to the doctors please go please pleasee plaes i dunno what id do if you got ill *worries*.
((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))) ))))))))))
I love you
look after yourself yeah
She

Re: Scared
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 11 23:38:59 2002 (#3968)

I guess I should.
I'll be ok hun, don't worry bout me. :-)
Hey, you know if you go into the search thingy on this? Well you can get all the old posts. I typed in she and I found all these crazy messages! hehe!
Seriously though, look through for the messages from ages ago that start "To Eleanor" from you. We sound mad!! lol!

I will go to the doctors. Shit she, I've never been so scared. mum didn't care. she just didn't care. fuck

Re: Scared
Posted by Jules on Wed Jun 12 15:21:28 2002 (#3978)

you have my support
can you tell whats happenigni with her to be the way she is,
how are you right at this moment & how would you like to feel right now

Re: Scared
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jun 12 16:12:24 2002 (#3979)

I know what's happening to her. She used to be depressed like me and she drinks too much. She can't cope with her life and she resents me because i remind her too much of herself, i'm like she was when she was depressed only worse.
She won't try to deal with me. She just pushes me away because she's got her life back together and i'm an inconvienience because i'm stopping her life being "perfect". I'm a disappointment.
At the moment I feel shit. I had to deal with her all on my own when she was like this but she won't give any back to me. I need her to be my mum. I'm really scared of myself.
I want to be happy. That's it.

Re: Scared
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 12 01:47:46 2002 (#3975)

Oh sweetie,
Are you okay now? Has the bleeding stopped? Please let me know how you are. I'm leaving Friday for vacation, but I'll be here till then.
I'll say a prayer for you tonight! Take care honey. You are very special to me.
Love ya, Rhonda

El
Posted by She on Wed Jun 12 16:45:36 2002 (#3984)

hee hee
I cant think of some pritty dumb posts ive posted maby i should look up some of our posts .
Ohhhyh cand you remember to reaaaallllyyyy long conversating we had about alaska i wounder if thats still there.
How you feeling .
I love you forvever
She

Re: El
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jun 12 16:59:52 2002 (#3985)

hehe! that's the one i was talking about! it's so cool!!! :-)
I'm ok. Love you loads and loads!!!!!
El x

Re: Scared
Posted by Jade on Wed Jun 12 22:38:27 2002 (#3991)

Oh Eleanor!
Sweetheart definately go to the doctor.
Do you think that it has anything to do eith mia? Probably huh? Well, I was gome yesterday, then I had to get up early for finals, but I'm gonna go get you those sites right away.
And if your mum doesn't care, well then that's fucked up, but, you know what? I do, I absolutely love you to peices and I'll do anything to help, and no matter what you do I'd be proud to know you because you're the beautiful Eleanor.
Please take care of yourself, I'll email you real soon, (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( (((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))) (hehe my hug didn't fit :)
Loads of love and healing white light, Jade

Re: Scared
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 12:15:34 2002 (#4003)

That is sooo bad, I hope you find out what is wrong with you, go to the doctors.

About your mum, it really stinks when they don't seem to care, the only thing I can say to that is that we are all here for you, which you have probably heard many times before but I don't think it can be said enough...

Nicke.

P.S. Let us know what the doctor says...

Suicide note
Posted by Kayleigh on Thu Jun 13 00:24:50 2002 (#3993)

Suicide note...broke my heart,
Read it several times, every last part.
Read it til I knew...every last line,
Made me so damn sad, because it was mine.

Sorry, bad mood...it'll go away in a second...I never know when these damn pills are working...never depends on whether I'm taking them or not. Stupid pills.

Kayleigh

Re: Suicide note
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 12:11:27 2002 (#4002)

How long have you been taking the pills, they do take a while till they dtart working. If you are not feeling better then speak to your doctor and they could increase the dosage for you.

Good piece of writing though!!

Nicke

Re: Suicide note
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 13 17:45:31 2002 (#4006)

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))) ))))))))))))
hope you feel better soon sweetheart. x

Re: Suicide note
Posted by Kayleigh on Thu Jun 13 20:23:25 2002 (#4017)

Been taking the pills for 3 months. Sometimes I think they're working, other times I think there's just nothing there. Either way I cut...so why bother? Ahhh, life is so complicated sometimes.

Kayleigh

Re: Suicide note
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 20:39:24 2002 (#4026)

As I said in my other response, talk to your doctor about it...it may be that there could be other pills to try you on.

I had to try a few, you may just need a higher dosage. Either the doctor can help you if you let them know how you are feeling.

Nicke. P.s. email me if you need hunny. I maen it!!

Leaving on vacation!
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Jun 13 01:26:47 2002 (#3994)

Hi everyone,
Just wanted to let all of you know that I won't
be on the board for the next 10 days or so. We're
leaving for our vacation to Colorado. I'll continue to think about all of you and I hope that
things will be okay while I'm gone. Take care
everyone and I'll see ya'll when I get back.
LOve ya all,
Rhonda

Re: Leaving on vacation!
Posted by She on Thu Jun 13 16:21:35 2002 (#4005)

Cool
Have a wonderfull time Rhonda you deserve it you make so many people happy :).
Kiis the floor of Canada for me .
Have a wonderful time
loads of love n hugzzz
She

Re: Leaving on vacation!
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 13 17:47:11 2002 (#4007)

Hope you have a wonderful time. Thank you for the card and everything, i'll talk to you when you get back.
have a great break, you deserve it!!
Love ya,
El xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx

Re: Leaving on vacation!
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 13 20:23:43 2002 (#4018)

Have fun !!!!
I hope your trip is a safe one!
love ya lots
KAT

Re: Leaving on vacation!
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 20:44:39 2002 (#4030)

Hope you have a great time, you deserve it for all the support that you have given people on the board.

given up
Posted by Vapor on Thu Jun 13 04:37:37 2002 (#3998)

i hang on by the threads... ive given up... im just not strong enough...

Re: given up
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 09:47:39 2002 (#3999)

Vapor, where have you been, I was worried about you??

Is everything alright hunny, we are all here for you.

Just hold on, you are strong enough, you just have to believe in yourself...

Email me if you need hunny, I mean it!!

Nicke

Re: given up
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 13 17:51:22 2002 (#4009)

vapor, i've missed you.
keep holding on hun, i'm here for you if you need me.
Love El x

Re: given up
Posted by Vapor on Fri Jun 14 06:57:18 2002 (#4048)

ive been living in the shadows of my mind and the darkness of my soul. in other words a short visit to the local psychiatric ward...
Later, Vapor

Re: given up
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 13 20:25:00 2002 (#4020)

I'm on a thread right there with you..
but Ive been holding on for what seems like forever.
don't let go..
..love
KAT

Re: given up
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jun 17 04:03:32 2002 (#4117)

Vapor Please...don't give up..listen to me...the last week has been horrible. I almost was raped...i almost died...i broke up with my boyfriend..my friend was almost killed...and a few other things happend. Look into my eyes...i do not lie. You can hang on...you just have to WANT to hang on. And you can Want...as long as you have the will to live. The will to survive. You have that will...uncover it.

very very scary....
Posted by kae on Thu Jun 13 11:48:51 2002 (#4000)

Hi guys...
I've had a bad week. The counsellor FINALLY called for me on Monday and I'm supposed to see her again tomorrow. I don't know why its made me feel worse all week...maybe its because I'm finally starting to realise that SI isn't so easy to give up after all. (great big CLICK there)

Last night I cut and then took a bunch of pills...it wasn't a suicide attempt, I just like the feeling I get after taking a mixture of pills. I went to bed. Next morning I get up, absolutely fine, go to school.
In the middle of my first period class, I suddenly felt really sick...next thing I know, I'm waking up lying on the floor. Everyone was crowded round me, freaking out. I had hit my head when I fell and it was aching horribly. My friend walked me to the sick bay and I went home...luckily, my parents weren't suspicious. My mum figured I was just tired.

My head still hurts. I'm scared about what happened....I have never fainted before. It was the most bizarre thing...I didn't have a clue what had happened when I came round. Godd...right in the middle of the classroom floor, too. My friends told me I was convulsing...they thought I was having a fit. They were terrified.

I just want to tell you guys to NEVER DO THIS!!! Its NOT fun...its the worst feeling you could imagine. DONT DO IT!!!

kae

Re: very very scary....
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 12:09:27 2002 (#4001)

Listen hunny, if you are taking a mixture of pills then that could have something to do woth it.

How many did you take? which ones were they 'cos you could do some real damage to yourself that way and not know what you are doing...it takes a long time to die from an overdose (well it isn't instant anyway.)

One thing that struck me, you seem to not be getting on with your counsellor...this could mean that your counselling sessions are causing you more harm than good.

My reccomendation is that you should see if you can change counsellors, find one that you actually like and feel comfortable with...this is important if they are to be of any use to you.

Email me if you need, I mean it.

Nicke

Re: very very scary....
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 13 17:53:40 2002 (#4010)

I've been there, done that....it's not a pretty picture.
I hope your feeling better hun. Just be careful yeah? I know that's a stupid and hypocritical thing to say but I mean it.
Loadsa love and hugs,
El x

Re: very very scary....
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 13 20:28:42 2002 (#4021)

Hi Kae...

Ya pills really can fuck you up when you really least expect it.
I used to be such a dumbass and take a pill without knowing what it was and thats caused me some serious damage .

Im glad you're okay now, and about giving up SI.
I can think back to my past and remember how hard it was to lose family members and to leave friends but the hardest thing I've ever had to do alone was give up SI.
Im serious, but I have for a long time now..
keep trying
take care
love ya
KAT

Cuttin
Posted by Jules on Thu Jun 13 14:12:27 2002 (#4004)

i dont know but ive been cutting for 3yrs. well i stopped then started again. its so damn hard to stop all find an alternative. i dont see anything can replace that release. nothign works, smoking, drugs, nothign.

Re: Cuttin
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 13 17:56:57 2002 (#4011)

it's hard. I don't know how people do it, nothing can replace it for me. I've not cut for about 6 weeks now (shit, it seems like years), but my depression is worse than it's ever been. Stopping cutting is supposed to make you "better". I'm not better.
I dunno. I have a punch bag which I take all my stress out on. It works sometimes....
I hope you manage to find something to help you.
Love El x

Re: Cuttin
Posted by Kayleigh on Thu Jun 13 20:24:48 2002 (#4019)

Trying to find an alternative is a bad idea, I used bulimia and now I have both. For some reason I find that amusing...

Re: Cuttin
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 13 20:31:57 2002 (#4023)

yeah I havent found anything thats like cutting either and really if you want to give it up, I mean really want to you know you have to work at it, it's really fucking hard.(Im sure you know that though :P)
and don't really try and replace it, well maybe for a short term thing, but if you replace it you'll just keep searching for things that don't add up and cutting will always fall back into your hands so to speak.
I dont know how Ive gone this long, well yeah I do..Ive had some serious mental help, but your right.
Take care and good luck!!
*hugs*
KAT

Re: Cuttin
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 20:35:49 2002 (#4024)

You should keep on trying, never give up looking for an alternative. The things you have mentioned are all 'escapes'. Ways to escape reality.

Many people on this board have tried writing, some people draw, walking, I cut oranges (weird, but it looks the same as cutting skin with a knife).

Listening to music also really helps me, something uplifting.

These are just some ideas that you could try...but never give up...

Nicke

A losing battle
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 13 18:28:48 2002 (#4012)

I've not cut for 6 weeks.
I didn't want to say that i was trying because i was sure i'd fail, but i haven't so far. I should be happy, after all i'm "better" now...right?
But i'm not. Not better and not happy. Ever since i stopped cutting my depression has been worse. I never realised how much better cutting made me feel until now. it's a nightmare. I end one thing and it makes another worse. I may have stopped cutting, but if it kills me then what's the point?

And now i'm ill. The bleeding is from taking so many things to make me loose weight and from throwing up and all the shit i do time and time again because i'm so stupid and fucked up i ignored all the advice and warning signs and carried on anyway.
I could mend if i stop. never completely, but if i stop i might not die any time soon. not from that anyway. But I can't stop.
This is SHIT. i give up

Re: A losing battle
Posted by J on Thu Jun 13 19:29:58 2002 (#4013)

hey! youre not loosing the battle in any way.Its just that the end is blurry.You will get to where your meant to be in time.But while you're getting there,its going to be hard.The thing is, when you come out the other end you will be such a better person."Scar tissue is wisdom in disguise" i cant remember where i got that from,but it certainly is true.Hang in there,you can do it.Go at your own pace, be yourself.
Did you say you live in Chesterfield? I live in Alfreton which is close if you ever need me.Just say.

Love and support

J xxxx

Re: A losing battle
Posted by She on Thu Jun 13 19:35:43 2002 (#4014)

hiya my wonderfull Queen
Ohh hone your not fighting a loosing battle your amazingly strong it will happen its gonna get better and your gonna ger happier i think you must be the strongest person ive ever talked to in my life .
Love you forever
Your She

Re: A losing battle
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 13 20:03:45 2002 (#4016)

i love you too baba. thank you. x x x x

J
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 13 20:03:08 2002 (#4015)

really? I've never known anyone who lived so close. I have an aunt who lives in alfreton.

Re: J
Posted by J on Thu Jun 13 21:19:43 2002 (#4035)

yup really, thats cool.like i said 'here if you want me'
Jess
xxx

Re: A losing battle
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 20:30:50 2002 (#4022)

Oh hunny listen...did you replace your cutting with anything else??? It is a coping mechanism and if you just stop and don't put another coping mechanism into place then effectively you have nothing to help you cope.

Think about it.

nicke

Re: A losing battle
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 13 20:36:54 2002 (#4025)

Eleanor! Im so proud of you for going that long..seriously thats huge.
Slipping up doesnt mean you've failed, it really doesn't...you've just slipped up and that's all. Doesnt mean your doomed forever.
I know what you mean though, the longest Ive gone without cutting was 6 months and thats when I was going out with someone I was completely crazy over, and when I had stopped cutting I got desperatly suicidal.
I mean everyday I would think about how and when and where, and what to leave..and I had to go back to cutting I felt like.

Don't give up though, don't ever give up..and if you do..get back on track sometime ..when you're ready.

I have said to myself that Ive given up and no one can help me Im too far gone, Ive said all those things so many times but they werent true, and I dont think they are true for anyone.

I feel for ya hun!
take care
*hugs*
breathe

love KAT

Re: A losing battle
Posted by Jade on Fri Jun 14 02:06:16 2002 (#4045)

It's not a losing battle, it's just a confusing one. Trust me, I'm doing the same thing, I'm trying not to but I'm dealing with the symtoms instead of the disease, if that makes any sense. I haven't done any SI for a while, but I just changed it to an eating disorder, which is just another coping mechanism. You need to focus on actually treating your depression, and I know that this is no small task, don't expect it to be, but work on actually feeling better, and on finding things that make you feel better that don't hurt your body. You and I will make a list or something alright? We'll get all nostalgic and try to remember a time that you were genuinely happy. I know that you can will this battle, just as long as you don't make it against yourself. Take care, Jade

DECISIONS!!!!
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 13 20:57:02 2002 (#4033)

I have decided that I am going to stay and offer as much support as I can to anyone who wants it.

So I really REALLY do mean it when I saw email me if you need to, I am not just being polite.

I may not always know what to say but I promise to listen without judgement and find out the best thing to do.

Well, just wanted to let you guys know....

Re: DECISIONS!!!!
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 13 21:37:14 2002 (#4037)

Thats cool Nicke, Im glad you're staying, really.

It helps sooooo much when there are people out there who can support you and the more the better especially when you have no one, like me..or so I think.

You offer some great feedback
:)
take care
KAT

Re: DECISIONS!!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 13 21:43:18 2002 (#4038)

thanks. I'm glad you're staying, you've helped me a lot already.
I might take you up on the email offer, you'll probably live to regret it! :-)
Love El x

Re: DECISIONS!!!!
Posted by She on Thu Jun 13 22:16:23 2002 (#4042)

hee hee
thank you for staying it means alot.
Love and hugz
She

Re: DECISIONS!!!!
Posted by Vapor on Fri Jun 14 07:06:13 2002 (#4050)

hey i think i missed something there. i love having you around though... just dont feel obligated to stick around if its not helping you. you gotta remember who is numero uno.
Later, Vapor

room (poem)
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 13 21:15:11 2002 (#4034)

The incense quietly smoulders
In the outside world far away
The weight lifts off my shoulders
As my realities start to fray
Music soothes in the background
I lean on these padded walls
Here I am lost and found
Here there is nowhere I can fall
I stay in this room inside me
Where I feel so safe and warm
I have never felt so free
Because here no hurt can form
I am drunk on this stillness
I thirst for this room some more
In here I suffer from no illness
I am lulled to the embracing shore
Though in there self harm remains
There is no one to disapprove
For I can hide from my pain
As I am released to move
This solace inside my thoughts
Is what puts the past behind
Though the relief seems too short
It gives me peace of mind.

Re: room (poem)
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 13 21:44:29 2002 (#4039)

i have a place like that. the only problem is i keep losing it.......

Ella
Posted by She on Thu Jun 13 22:17:35 2002 (#4043)

wow .
Hay hun did you get my e mail im not sure what the deal is with my mail at the moment let me know.
Love you loads
She

Re: room (poem)
Posted by Jade on Fri Jun 14 06:27:53 2002 (#4047)

It's my nest of salt :)
That's probably the most positive thing that I've read of yours, glad to hear it. I liked it, but you could've bet on that. Take care, Jade

Re: room (poem)
Posted by Nicke on Fri Jun 14 12:02:30 2002 (#4056)

I am a HUGE admirer of your work. I would really like it if you could email me some of your stuff.

You should consider sending them off to a magazine or even make a book of them.

HEY,we could make a book from all the poems on this board, sort of 'book of poems'.

Just idealising...

Nicke.

Finally some good news in my Life
Posted by Amanda on Thu Jun 13 21:28:11 2002 (#4036)

Well, for those of you who know me a bit better, like Dawn. then you might remember that i was in a relationship with a guy who didnt treat me as well as he should of. i remember one time i was talking to Dawn on MSN, i was telling her about my relationship and one of the things she said to me was that people will drink from the muddy pool untill they see the clear lake. well something like that anyway! well a few days ago, i broke it off with that guy. i had had enough of the threats, the pushes and the fear of my own boyfriend. how could i ever trust a guy who, whenever we argued, grabbed me to stop me running away in fear, who used to scream abuse at me and a guy who has come too close to hitting me too many times.
it was so hard for me to do that, he had been playing with my mind for almost six years. he made me think that it was all my fault and he convinced me that i needed him and that he needed me. when what i really needed was to be away from him. and ive met this other guy who is kind, gentle, and says such sweet things to me that make my knees go weak. hes funny and makes me happy. we are kind of seeing each other but nothing seriouse as i need some space.

i just wanted to share my happiness with every one. its been a while since ive had a whole week when ive been happy every day!

Love Trust and Pixi Dust
Amanda

Re: Finally some good news in my Life
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jun 13 21:46:34 2002 (#4040)

I'm so happy for you! I remember your posts. it's nice to know things are good for you at the moment.
Take care of yourself hun.
Love always, el x

Re: Finally some good news in my Life
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 13 22:04:21 2002 (#4041)

Thats seriously great!
do one thing for me, no for you..don't ever go back to that go under any circumstances.
I'm sure you've had MORE then enough of his shit, I could not imagine going that long with someone like that,I went with someone like that for a few months and it really drove me close to suicide.

Im so happy for you Amanda, and on top of that you've found yourself a great guy.
Good luck
take care
love
KAT

Re: Finally some good news in my Life
Posted by Nicke on Fri Jun 14 11:58:52 2002 (#4055)

Well done Amanda, that is really great news, I am sooo proud of you.

Nicke.

Re: Finally some good news in my Life
Posted by *me* on Fri Jun 14 21:41:08 2002 (#4062)

Hey, haven't seen you around here in a while! I'm glad to hear everything is going so well for you. :-)

Re: Finally some good news in my Life
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 15 12:31:26 2002 (#4081)

Hi
I wonder if my mum felt like that when she broke away from dad... I hope so, its so nice to hear someones finally happy after suffering for so long.
I wish you all the luck and happyness with the new man,
Ella x

rejection
Posted by czarina on Thu Jun 13 23:05:56 2002 (#4044)

nothing quite like the feeling of rejection to make you feel good about yourself eh? I have a bf but I saw this guy I used to like down the pub the other week, we kissed (yeah bad infdelity etc) and I got hold of his number and called...we spoke for a while. he said he missed me fed me all the lines about how special I am but since then he hasn't picked up his phone when I called. so I used my mum's mobile and he picked up- he had been ignoring me all along.. I mean nothing whatsoever to him. nothing. I am ntohng and I cant even tell you how much it hurts. it's werd for once my pain feels physical not mental you know? I dont know what to do but cut myself. fall away from it all at least for a brief second. xox

Re: rejection
Posted by Kayleigh on Fri Jun 14 02:30:32 2002 (#4046)

Trusting people is so hard, especially when they let you down constantly. I'd tell you to take comfort in the fact not all guys are like that, but my point would be too hard to prove. Have no advice other than to remember, you won't even remember that guy in a year or two...what difference does he make in the great scheme of things really? Fuck 'em all! Don't need anybody but yourself. And maybe some friends who understand.

Kayleigh

Re: rejection
Posted by Nicke on Fri Jun 14 09:55:50 2002 (#4052)

I am really soryy about that jerk, the onlt thing I can say is that it is his loss.

Maybe he wasn't worth it in the end, but just be grateful you found out now and not say 6 months down the line when you have really fallen for him.

I am sure that you will find someone who loves, likes, you for who you are, because I am sure that you are a really great person and worth all the love on the world...

Nicke

Re: rejection
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 15 12:28:08 2002 (#4080)

Hi
Yeah, guys who needs them? I know it seems bad now, but they say time heals. I know that sounds corny and that I especially am in no position to go around flashing expressions like that, but it must be true.
There is no smoke with out a fire.
Ella x

if you care...
Posted by Vapor on Fri Jun 14 07:02:15 2002 (#4049)

let me explain... it has been a very long past few weeks. i tried to kill myself in a very unsuccesful attempt. i closed my eyes hit the gas and drove my car off of the road. car is total. Vapor is not even scratched. poop. next time i think i shall remember to take off my seat belt first.... haha. my arms are full of stiches. i have been cutting like nobody's business. i think i'm somewhere around 67 sutures. i dont care. i pull them out, cut them off and they just put them back in. kinda pointless in my opinion. the body has amazing power to heal itself.... but they say i shall reget the scars... i say cant you see i already do? so i had a short stint in jail, oops i mean the hospital. annoying is all really. i played my way out... back to life.
Later, Vapor

Re: if you care...
Posted by Nicke on Fri Jun 14 09:51:35 2002 (#4051)

I am really sorry that you are feeling so bad, I know that hospitals are really bad, and can make you worse but they may also be able to help you Vapor...

Maybe you should have stayed in and got some help because you are obviously hurting...

I would really like to help you so if you just want to chat, vent or anything, email me hunny.

Nicke.

Re: if you care...
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 14 16:46:56 2002 (#4059)

Hey there.. hey..you actually tired the car thing?
well..I'm glad you're okay.
Plenty of times I stepped on the gas but I'm too much of a pussy to go any further.
The suicide attempts never worked for me either, and the um jail's yah your right hospitals..well they are bullshit (most of them) and if you want to get out you prettyy much have to fake it.

Although one hospital saved my life, you know..I've just given up on trying to die and trying to keep getting stitches.
I hope maybe one day you'll give it all up too..but for now, just keep alive
and take care
love you
KAT

Re: if you care...
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 15 12:09:44 2002 (#4078)

Hi
Of course I care.
Yeah, people seem to have the impression that commiting suicide is easy. It is SO damn hard.
I have attempted suicide in everyway possible apart from the car thing (not old enough).
But Im glad your still around. Email me if you ever want to talk, Im always around.
Love Ella x

Re: if you care...
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jun 17 04:22:24 2002 (#4118)

Vapor! I swere if I was anywere near you you would never feel like that agian...

URGENT. RESPONSES NEEDED
Posted by Death on Fri Jun 14 18:10:20 2002 (#4060)

i have a friend who says she is gonna commit suicide and i have tried ringing her and txting her but she wont pick up or txt bak. im so worried and its my fault because i lied to her and so lost her trust. I wanna help her and i no that she has the courage to do it. Please help me i need all i can get

Re: URGENT. RESPONSES NEEDED
Posted by KAT on Fri Jun 14 18:50:19 2002 (#4061)

I really dont know what to say but I wanted to respond so you dont think no one's here.

I have been the in the situation where I was the one who committing suicide and no one came to my rescue like I originally planned (the first time) so you're doing a good job by trying to reach here.
maybe call some more or have someone run you by her house. sorry Im not enough help
Good luck
KAT

Re: URGENT. RESPONSES NEEDED
Posted by She on Sat Jun 15 00:24:15 2002 (#4063)

hiya
HAve you rung the police or an ambulunce . Could you ring a psrink or something .I she isnt answering the phone you should probably go to her house to make sure she ok.
Loads of love
She

Re: URGENT. RESPONSES NEEDED
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Jun 15 00:54:26 2002 (#4064)

Probably too late, but best thing to do is to call the police.

Then again, if your friend is at all like me, she told you to make you worry but has no intention of doing it. Check on her and call people who are close to her...don't sit there worrying...you gotta get out there and help her.

But that's pretty obvious...huh?

Kayleigh

Re: URGENT. RESPONSES NEEDED
Posted by Jade on Sat Jun 15 05:24:46 2002 (#4071)

If you can get ahold of her let her know that you are sorry and that you care and want to help. Determine how serious you think she is about it, and decide whether you should tell an offcial or if you should find a way over to her house yourself. Good luck, Jade

Re: URGENT. RESPONSES NEEDED
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 15 12:05:08 2002 (#4076)

Hi
Don't blame yourself. No matter what happens the decision to take your life is yours and yours alone. SO DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.
What happened?
Is your friend alright?
Ella x

Bye
Posted by Kayleigh on Sat Jun 15 01:05:31 2002 (#4065)

Hey, I know not many of you know me or even want to...come on, don't feel bad...we're here to help ourselves. I hope I've managed to help some of you in the quest to find my sanity here...but reading every message, I begin to feel depressed. Depressed that there are people out there so much worse off than me who I can't help, no matter what I say, I don't know whats right. i don't know what I need to hear, much less everyone else. I'll probably be back tomorrow, sobbing my heart out telling you my lastest fuck up, but for now...I feel it's best I disappear. Seeing as Rhonda is the only one who attempts to talk, rather than just reply, I'll miss her very much, but I'm sure she'll e-mail me, won't ya Rhonda? And everyone else can too, know that no one will take me up on that, but I know for a fact, writing down some shit to someone you don't know helps and maybe...just maybe I can help.

Okay, mail me if ya wanna chat, I'd be so happy.

Kayleigh

Re: Bye
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 15 04:19:59 2002 (#4068)

Hey Kayleigh, don't think so badly of yourself that no one would want to send you mail besides Rhonda.
I'm happy to see new people here, although sad that they've had to come join for such reasons.
You've been a part of everything here and you will be missed, any part of a group that leaves will be missed.
Take care, I hope you get to feeling better..and you know we are always here for you.

love
KAT

Re: Bye
Posted by Jade on Sat Jun 15 05:29:37 2002 (#4072)

I suppose that if the board just makes you feel worse then it might be best, but you're always welcome. I am just coming back after being gone for awhile and I was hoping to get to know you so if you do come back it'd be great. Email me if you want to, I'm horrible at taking the initiative, but i'd like to hear from you. Take care, Jade

Re: Bye
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 15 12:02:07 2002 (#4075)

Hi Kayliegh
Check your mail.
I never really got to know you true, but I would like to.
I'm guessing it was my messages which depressed you. hhhhhhm, I'd hate you to leave because of me.
Well, good luck, and your welcome here whenever.
Ella x

here i go again
Posted by mego on Sat Jun 15 01:55:35 2002 (#4066)

i cut again. its the first time in so long. i'd post responses to other people's shit, but how can i help you guys if i can't help myself?? i don't know what the hell i'm thinking right now. i still have a headache, that didn't go away. i need cigarettes. i'm a little more relaxed maybe, don't feel like i need to cry as much as i did. nell cut up her wrists. not deep at all. i went over there to be with her for while. if she really wanted to die, she would have done it. but still... she needs some kind of help. i don't know what to do for her. she showed her mom when i was there, her mom started crying. maybe she'll get her help, shes already seeing a drug counselor. i'm sick of everything. everyhthing is making my headache worse. even music, but its too quiet without it. i have to read for drivers ed, but i can't concentrate on anything. no chance of stealing cigs for a while, my parents are getting drunk with their friends in the kitchen. how can i steal some alcohol?? i need something to help me relax. what am i going to do?? everything feels like it did before, everything is falling apart again. i wish someone would call me, just to talk. i need someone here with me right now, to tell me i'm okay. fuck that. nobody is here except me, i'm alone. i hate being alone, but i wont go find anyone. i need someone to want to be with me, i need to just sit and be held. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. goddamn, this sucks. fuck everything. fuck it. nothing is going to work out this time, nothing has ever worked out. i'm never going to be able to stop. i'm never going to be helped, i'm never going to be happy again. fuck. this hurts so bad, i used to tell myself shit would turn out okay. i'm going to have to live the rest of my life like this. i can't make it another week. i'm not going to kill myself, but somethings gonna happen, i'm gonna need to do something to make this go away. but what?? something... i need to get fucked up right now. blown off my fucking ass so i don't feel anything. its not gonna happen tonight. i need to lose more weight, i need to do too much that i know i won't. i need to feel something other than this. i'm not scared, but i'm not calm. i need something to make myself calm. cutting didnt work good enough. i'm gonna go do it more. that will help a little. then what?? what...what...i dont know. something. fast. now. never. i dont know. here i go, i'm not scared again but i'm freaking out. fuck. i'm sorry, nobody needs to respond to this, i'll be fine once i get something to drink and i cut some more. where the hell is everything going?? everythings too fast and too slow at the same time. make sense?? yes, no...who knows. fuck if i know. fuck if i care. goddamn it. i need to just not be here, not be anywhere. just not exist. not dead, just nowhere. i dont know what i need. fuck. i need....what?? not help. i need everything and nothing. here i go again. i gotta get outta here.

Re: here i go again
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 15 04:23:54 2002 (#4069)

Godamn..you sound exactly like I used to,and I would not wish how I felt on the person I hate the most in this world.
God how awful it was..I'm so sorry your goin through this.
check your e-mail.
love you
KAT

Re: here i go again
Posted by Vapor on Sat Jun 15 05:03:39 2002 (#4070)

i dont know what to say. just wnated to let you know i read this and im thinknig of you and hoping you find peace...
Later, Vapor

Re: here i go again
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 15 11:57:08 2002 (#4074)

Hi
my thoughts are the same as Vapors.
Thinking of you, email me if you need to talk or anything.
Ella x

Re: here i go again
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 17 13:52:22 2002 (#4129)

Sorry I didn't reply sooner...I use different computers all the time and the one I was using the other day has high security levels and for some reason chose to not let me view yours!!

Anyway, I don't really know what toi say excpet that I am here for you. I hate to hear that you feel so bad...Just remember that you are not alone, there are people that want to help...me included.

If you need anything or you just want to chat then email me...i mean it!!

Nicke.

Re: here i go again
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 17 21:38:48 2002 (#4138)

oh girl, i'm so sorry things are shit for you. I haven't been able to come on the computer for a while, been ill, which is why i didn't reply to your email sooner. I hope you're ok hun? I luv ya. Talk to you soon, El x

Resolution
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 15 11:54:27 2002 (#4073)

I can't go on feeling nothingness then having attacks of panick, rage and sadness.
I can't go on carrying my past like the scars on my skin, bearing it always.
I can't go on cutting my legs up so much I can hardly walk because I've run out of weed.
I can't go on coming home at lunchtime to get drunk so I survive the afternoon.
I can't go on overdosing on cough medicine because I run out of alcohol.
I can't go on justifying my situation.
I can't go on filling my world full of rights and wrongs.
I can't go on visiting rooms in my head. Everytime it's getting harder to come back. If I carry on then one day I won't.
My therapist said that I have to stop justifying what is happening to me. I have to stop blaming myself because that is easier then sticking up for myself. Otherwise there is no point, as everytime I try to help myself I destroy the chances by supporting the way I live because I am scared to change.
But I have to change.
To live or to die?
That was my decision.

I chose to live.
That is what I have to do: LIVE. Not tolerate existence to start living for the first time in my life.
Otherwise I might as well die.
But I won't give up.
Not yet.

I'm not not ready to live in a world without razors, that is the world of my future. It would be cruel to deny myself that when I need it more then ever. But I will one of these days.

Thank you for reading this post and all my others.
I'll speak to you soon.
Love Ella x

Re: Resolution
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 15 17:42:13 2002 (#4082)

Great post Ella!
I think that's awsome that you've come this far and have made the decisions you have.

I wish you all the luck in the world, If a fuck up druggie addicted cutter like me can stop then you can stop too..if you really want your life back, and it's clear you do.

Love you lots!
take care
KAT

Re: Resolution
Posted by Vapor on Sat Jun 15 18:34:25 2002 (#4083)

your therapist sounds insightful. not like mine who sits there and just nods... he never offers advice...
great post...
Later, Vapor

Re: Resolution
Posted by Vapor on Sat Jun 15 18:34:59 2002 (#4084)

your therapist sounds insightful. not like mine who sits there and just nods... he never offers advice...
great post...
Later, Vapor .

Re: Resolution
Posted by Jade on Sun Jun 16 08:38:16 2002 (#4089)

I'm so happy that to hear this from you. Whenever you get discouraged, or you are ready to give up again, read what you wrote today, and remember what it is that caused you to write it. Life goes in cycles, but if you can get through them, you can learn from them. I'll send you all the love and help you need if you want it. Take care, Jade

Re: Resolution
Posted by She on Sun Jun 16 16:18:16 2002 (#4095)

Do we have the same therapist ?She sounds very simular to mine:o.
I think your so brave hunnie i really admire you .I mean ou can totaly do this i know you can .
((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))
love you loves
she

Re: Resolution
Posted by Nicke on Sun Jun 16 18:59:59 2002 (#4103)

Well done girl...I am SOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you...you have definetly made the right decision...we are all here to support you...

You don't have to give up cutting if you feel you are not ready...take it at your own pace...one step at a time eh?

One thing...try to control your cutting...sounds like it is pretty bad at the minute...just control it...keep them clean and stuff...Iknow you will anyway...

Nicke.XX

P.S. Well done again, if I could I would be giving you the biggest HUG in the world.

Thanx everyone
Posted by Death on Sat Jun 15 12:09:04 2002 (#4077)

thanx ppl for replying to the post about my friend. I was able to get through to her and we talked and im seeing her tonite.

Thanx
Millie x

Re: Thanx everyone
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 15 12:10:55 2002 (#4079)

Hi
Im glad things worked out. I dont know if you read my post yet, I only just wrote it. But good luck with seeing her.
Ella x

sorry i didnt reply.... *NM*
Posted by Vapor on Sat Jun 15 18:36:07 2002 (#4085)

Re: Thanx everyone
Posted by Jade on Sun Jun 16 05:29:35 2002 (#4087)

I'm so glad it worked out, good luck with tonight. Take care and give your friend a big hug, alright? Jade

Re: Thanx everyone
Posted by Nicke on Sun Jun 16 18:55:41 2002 (#4102)

I'm really glad things worked out...just remember to be there for them

Nicke.

P.S. give her this site address, it may help her.
You remember that we are here to help you aswell, if you need help being supportive of her.

R**K
Posted by chelle on Sun Jun 16 03:41:39 2002 (#4086)

you never knew and you never will
but you meant so much....
that not even god can ever tell....
i will throw away everything
just to see you again
and yes I will do anything....
just to see your smile again
in your young brain maybe u were still inmature
but I know u were hurting.....
you eyes..yourhands..arms and wrists.....
told the whole story...
that noone could resist.
I tryied to hold you....I tryied so hard....
but your heart became cold....
after you told me everything....
and i told you more....
I hated myself for being me......
and I hated myself for just being there.
I looked down the highway....seeing all the cars...
and yes i tried to jump.....
but your face just made me stop.
I thought I could save you....I really tought I could.....
or maybe it was just me......
wanting to be saved by you.....
I miss you from the bottem of my heart....
I wish that day....
i couldve held you hard.....
then maybe....you wouldve stayed...
~*I'll ALWAYS LOVE YOU MY SWEET BABY*~
you'll be with me tillthe end of time...

Re: R**K
Posted by Vapor on Sun Jun 16 07:12:56 2002 (#4088)

wow i REALLY REALLY liked that....
Later, Vapor

thank you VAPOR
Posted by chelle on Sun Jun 16 13:45:40 2002 (#4093)

thank you so much for saying that.
you made my day.
~chelle~

Re: R**K
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 16 16:18:16 2002 (#4096)

That was good, sounds like it means a lot to you.

Writting helps heal the heart
*hugs*
KAT

Re: R**K
Posted by Nicke on Sun Jun 16 18:53:46 2002 (#4101)

I love reading people's writings on here...that was REALLY good.

There was lots of passion...

Keep writing...Nicke

Re: R**K
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jun 17 04:32:13 2002 (#4119)

God that is exactly how i wish i felt. But my dumb ass bf isn't anything like that. He just wants me to be his porn hore. The hell with him. I broke up with him...but the bad thing is, now i'm alone...and was almost raped by some unknown stranger the other day...after i broke up with him...i would have let him violate me...just for the feeling...i hate still being a virgin. If only someone worth while knew how i felt...if only someone would give me a chance...if only we could hold each other threw hell and back...i'de give him all i had...and even more...if he'd only find me...

Eleanor
Posted by She on Sun Jun 16 12:04:40 2002 (#4090)

Hi hunnie
Hwere are you sweetie?Are you ok?
Im kinda worried aboutr you .Please let me know how you are yeah.
Love you soooooooooooo much
She

Re: Eleanor
Posted by Jade on Sun Jun 16 20:47:48 2002 (#4105)

Eleanor,
hey, I haven't sen you post or reply, and I haven't heard from you in a while. I was hoping that She was still talking to you, but I guess not. Are you alright? Email me or something, I'm missing you sweetie.
(((((((((((HUG for El))))))))))
Hope you're okay, love you to bits, Jade

Re: Eleanor
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 17 20:46:24 2002 (#4134)

Hey you two. I'm ok. had a bad week but i'm ok. i'll talk to you both soon. Love you!!! El x

Help me
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun Jun 16 12:29:25 2002 (#4091)

I feel haunted.

Haunted by things been and gone.

Shadows follow me always.
Spies watch me always.

I just can't seem to forget or block out. It's a family trait. No one in my family deals with things. We all hide, avoid and never talk we're just a silent household of deceit and squashed feelings. We are all so scared of letting go of the fear that runs our mortality that we trap ourselves into living the half-lives we now lead.

The only freedom I have is the freedom to run away now. But every time I leave it's getting harder to come back. Every room I visit in my mind is making reality seem more pointless.

I don't know how to break the cycle because no one around me ever has. We are all lost, broken and lonely, wishing things could change but scared that if they do then it will be replaced by something worse.

Does anyone here have an answer?
Ella x

Re: Help me
Posted by chelle on Sun Jun 16 13:43:12 2002 (#4092)

I feel you baby,
my house is haunted with loads of shit.
everything reminds me of all the crap...
today I went to go see a movie....
all the loud noise...I was terrified.
what I do is go out,,,,
just go out with somebody.
write email to someone....
i dont know If anything will get better,,,
but hunn, if anything.....Im here for u.
love u lots
chelle

Re: Help me
Posted by She on Sun Jun 16 16:15:26 2002 (#4094)

God i can understand you with that one.
I love you girl .
She

Re: Help me
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jun 16 23:56:17 2002 (#4113)

Hello, I have been out of the loop for a while and don't remember talking to you before. I don't remember a lot of things since this illness put me to my knees so please bear with me.

I grew up in a silent family too. My mother was mean and ruled the roost and I ran away from home 9 times. The last time I stayed away. I was 18 and old enough to decide where my life going.

When you are living life onhe run, looking for love and peace from everyone you meet you become good prey. Tired, lost and lonely I convinced myself the first guy I met who didn't rape me must love me and I chained myself to him and the lie for almost 16 years. Reality hit me hard but I had no where else to run to. I knew what was waiting for me on the streets of this nation and decided that what I had was better, safer, than what I lived with on the streets.

But being raped, my life threatened on a daily basis, growing up and growing wiser and crazier made me a person who hated myself and everyone I in my new family I had created and one day I snapped and decided to murder my children and myself, because I knew I could not live the rest of my life behind bars waiting for the electric chair or lethal injection. But God, my creator and Savior spoke through my crazed mind "Hit him again and you will never stop" And I did what Christians around the world know repentance to be. I changed my mind about what I was doing, I dropped my weapon, I turned away and went a different way. I called the authorities. When someone answered the phone I cried out, "I love my children and do not want to hurt them anymore" And I dropped my end of rope in the cycle of violence.

That was the hardest thing I've ever done and it is the best decision I have ever made next to asking Jesus Christ into my heart when I was very young, and hundreds of times since.

But being a child of God and a human does not mean you will live a life of peace and never have problems. It means you have someone to go to with your problems. Whether you do that or not is up to you. I didn't. I counted on me and most of the time my ideas, reasonings, and decisions were wrong and led me deeper into a pit.

Since that phone call I have tried to undo the damage I did to my children. But it would have been easier to put my own problems on the table and dealt with them before I had children than to try to mend the damage I inflicted prior to that day in 1986.

Fixing one's life is harder than just making the decision to change. I has taken 20 years to to know the peace I know today. I punish myself for the things I did by cutting my arms. I use cutting to run away from feeling all the emotions I swept under the rug growing up when my mother beat me, when over 150 different people, including my husband molested and raped me, so repeatedly.

July 5th I will turn 50 years old and I am still alive so I know that making that phone call, as hard as it was to make, as was the decision to leave my husband and children to their own decision of how they live their lives was a good thing. Everyone of us has to choose whether we live and stay in abusive relationships or families, or leave, to get help, to tell the secrets we've been a slave to for however many years we have.

After 20 years of telling how I almost murdered my children and speaking of being sexually, mentally, emotionally abused has become a lot easier than when I made that call for help. Getting it all out is the best thing I've ever did.

I hope this, lengthy as it is, has helped you and whoever else reads it find peace of mind if not today than some day.

email me if you want to talk... Dawn

Re: Help me
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 16 16:23:41 2002 (#4097)

Ella..not exactly sure what's keeping your family from talking ,but I understand.
My family is the same, or was.

After years of abuse and hatred building up, we don't say I love you, or hug each other or even have conversations unless they contain swear words and violence.

Although after I went through a lot of therapy on my own, they figured out well..yeah my family's a big part of my problem, so we HAD to talk about it.
and it helped, I don't know the answer to tell you..maybe one by one,take someone you feel closest too and try and form a closer relationship and that will break the cycle.
Or you can start on your own, if your family is set in its ways then accept that move on and when you have yourself a family(if you want one) know that you can break the cycle there.
love
KAT

Re: Help me
Posted by Nicke on Sun Jun 16 18:51:07 2002 (#4100)

I can't give you answers, only you have them...

No-one ever said it would be easy, but we are saying that we will help you through, make it a bit less painful...it really is true that a problem shared is a problem halved...

When you talk about problems, it does get worse before it gets better, because you are bringing into the open thngs that you have been pushing away for so long.

Many people stop at this stage because it is too hard...that it is but you have to stick with it...because by bringing into the open, you can finally deal with the demons...put them to rest at last...

I don't know if that makes sense, but maybe you and your family have got scared when everything has come into the open...perhaps if you try, and succeed (because you will, I have every faith) then maybe the rest of your family will be inspired by your strength...

I am proud of your courage so far...you have held on...you should be proud...

Nicke

Re: Help me
Posted by Jade on Sun Jun 16 20:44:15 2002 (#4104)

I think that you have already taken the first step, but there more many more to come, and you are going to have to be able to accept that. There will be triumphs and failures, it's a progression. But once you break the cycle, you will be free. Rememer that, you will be free. This doesn't mean that all your problems will be solved for the rest of your life, but it does mean that what haunts you now, will not be able to haunt you anymore. And that what it is that is holding you back from living doesn't always need to hold you back. You are stronger than your past, if you have the willpower to fight your demons, than you can win as long as you keep fighting. I can relate so much right now, my family is the same way, and I can feel the affect that it has had on me. On one hand, it's like I'm bound and tied, trying to break out of a cocoon, and at the same time, it's like I'm numb, not living, just survivng, like I'm in a coma waiting for my real life to begin. I've decided that it's time for my life to begin, and I'm glad you did too, if you need anyone to talk to, or want to rant and rave or anything, feel free to email me, I'd love to hear from you. Take care and know that more than anything you need to know that what you're feeling is part of coming to terms with everything around you, and that rather than being scared by it, just try to understand WHY you reacted the way you did to what you did. ~Jade

Re: Help me
Posted by Vapor on Sun Jun 16 22:25:59 2002 (#4107)

im sorry. the only way to break it is to help yourself first. deal with your issues. examine them and analyze them and then remember that its ok to forget them. that once somethings in the past it will always be in the past so get as much closure as you can and move on.
Later, Vapor

Last Night(trigger)
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 16 16:29:19 2002 (#4098)

I feel like I need to tell someone and I sure as hell am Not going to tell my therapist because I honestly am sick of hospitals.
I cut last night, and when I cut I can't just do
it once, I have to bleed a lot to get satisfaction.
Kind of hard to bleed when you are using a dull blade thats been ina drawer for who knows how many years.

I hadn't done it in a long time, but I guess I broke that record, not like it was a record though, I've gone longer.

I just thought I was done with all that shit, but I am realizing what I've learned from cutting has stuck in my fucked up brain and when things really seem like theres no other answer I need to turn to it.
I might sound like a hypocrite from all I say to other people, but that's what goin on with me.

KAT

Re: Last Night(trigger)
Posted by Nicke on Sun Jun 16 18:44:48 2002 (#4099)

KAT, listen you are not a hypocrite. This is just a relapse...don't beat yourself up about this.

It is not so bad, it might seem like it now but we can only learn from these relapses...I don't know if I am making any sense but I just feel so bad for you that you felt you had to cut.

You should tell your therapist, he/she can help you.

I don't know what else to say except what I said before, that it is only a relapse, it is better to COPE with these problems and feelings that you have instead of denying them and ignoring them, bottling them up.

If you need to talk then email me...

Hold on and keep smiling...Nicke

Re: Last Night(trigger)
Posted by Dawn on Sun Jun 16 22:38:19 2002 (#4109)

Hello Kat my dear, I've missed you a lot. Like Nicke I see this as only an isolated event. I don't know what it was that set this event off but if you want to talk about it I'm hear to listen.

My pain and nausea have quited down, and I've finished all my unpacking. So I'm in a rest period and would love to be a helper again.

And by the way. I have my event times but I haven't cut in quite a while. Although, I have wanted to, or at least wished I could. But I haven't. I feel more peace lately and I believe it is because I've shared my "why"s with people. For some reason when I tell anyone that I was raped, drug around the gravel driveway, told I was going to be killed over and over again I got all the fear and anger outside of me and by doing so I took back my power. Which was a good thing because what ever it is that has caused my illness and physical pain seemed to but my life and well-being out of my control. Which forced me to open my hands and give it all to Jesus and say, "I can't make this thing (my move... and my health) the way I wanted. I found my nose pressed hard against a wall I could not force open or close doors I wanted closed. I had to come to the end of me and let God take over. And now ( for this moment) I have peace like I've never known before.

So Kat maybe that is what you need to do as well. All the emotional pain of my life time changed to physical pain and I did what the Bible says to do "cast my burden unto God" and let Him deal with it. I won't say it was easy or painless but I will say it was freeing. Think about it. If it works for you then it was worth living through for me....Love and hugs Dawn

Re: Last Night(trigger)
Posted by Vapor on Sun Jun 16 22:23:11 2002 (#4106)

dont worry its not the end of the line. no matter what happens life keeps going, just keep going with it. im right there with you so i dunno what else to say. i feel like complete crap and i know just how it is so just stay tough.
Later, Vapor

Re: Last Night(trigger)
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 16 23:21:01 2002 (#4111)

thanks everyone for replying, there's not much you can say in responce to my post, I know.

But thank you all so much, Dawn I'm so glad you've got the peace you have now.
Check your e-mail :)
love you all
KAT

Re: Last Night(trigger)
Posted by chelle on Sun Jun 16 23:43:41 2002 (#4112)

hey baby, how are u doing?
dont stress it kat, really dont.
its hard not to cut and then when you do,
theres this guilt or something that sneaks into u.
I want to cut so bad....but I dunno....its kills me.
but it hurts more to see u feel hurt and get hurt.
love you sooooooo much sweets. really do.
write me anytime hunnie*
chelle

i keep seeing...(trigger?)
Posted by Vapor on Sun Jun 16 22:35:54 2002 (#4108)

i keep seeing the last twist in the road before the ditch. i keep feeling my heart skip that beat. the one that was missing, the one that gave me the courage, the one that lent me the stupididty. i keep seeing the air. flying through no road in front just wwwoooossssshhhhh through the air. and i keep feeling the BAM. the airbag... hitting the ground, thinking is this DEATH? this cant be it?! like sex haha... thats IT?! i thought it was over, but the i felt the slip and i feel it start to roll. i know its not over but i know im ALIVE. i keep feeling that hanging upside from the seatbelt. i keep remembering the shock. not moving. not hearing. not seeing. but i see now. i keep feeling the sirens, the flashing lights, the voices... i see the doctors the shock... fine? wtf is that? im NOT FINE. i scream. but i make no noise and all i see is that last turn. why am i never one to follow the beaten path? to stick to the main road? i keep feeling that missing heartbeat. its caught up with me now... that moment of not giving a damn about ANYTHING ANYBODY else. pure selfishness... is this why suicide is a sin? must be... but if i had an eigth of that regard for myself the rest of the time i wouldnt be like this now... but then it makes it worse. but i just keep seeing where the road went. i keep feeling where i went instead. i've found my missing heartbeat but lost all the rest... am i dead? is this IT?! if im alive, i still proclaim this state of being death...
Later, Vapor

Re: i keep seeing...(trigger?)
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 16 23:19:27 2002 (#4110)

Wow sweetie , that was a really powerful post.
I don't know why but it almost had me in tears, maybe because I know how it feels ..the "this is it?!" (haha on the sex refrence)

You've been through something really dramatic and you've made it out seemingly okay on the outside, but inside you're hurting like hell, right?
I could be wrong.

*many hugs* I'm glad you're still here
do you have an e-mail address?
love ya
KAT

Re: i keep seeing...(trigger?)
Posted by Vapor on Sun Jun 16 23:56:36 2002 (#4114)

yep. thats it exactly. i dont want to put my email up here cause i do have a nasty habit of being found online... well, if you give me yours i'll write you.
Later, Vapor

Re: i keep seeing...(trigger?)
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jun 17 04:39:20 2002 (#4120)

Vapor...*wispers* *feels so small and far away* I want to help...but how can I if i can't even help myslef? I don't k now why, but i care for you...more than myself. Let me be in that car...in that hospitol...with those scars. Take my pure body and muffled mind, clear it and live a free life. I'll do it just for you...oh my god i sound so freekin idiotic...but thats how i feel. Sorry.

Re: i keep seeing...(trigger?)
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 17 12:10:01 2002 (#4127)

You are very articulate...very powerful piece of writing.

I have never had a suicide attempt that bad so can't empathise there...but I do feel your pain...

I don't know what it is like to have flash backs, so again I can't empathise there.

Guess I feel kindof useless and redundant, except that you are not alone, and I will be here to help you as for as long as you want me to be...

Nicke.X

P.S. You are always on the board but yet I feel like I know very little about you...How old are you, where do you live... Sorry for being intrusive, just don't really know you that well, still want to help though...(now I am rambling)

Keep smiling...

Re: i keep seeing...(trigger?)
Posted by Vapor on Tue Jun 18 19:29:01 2002 (#4183)

hey, im 18 from new york. and truly this was one of the most harmless suicide attempts in the history of the world. the car is totaled but im physically completely fine. a little bit of whiplash but thats it!
LAter, Vapor

Re: i keep seeing...(trigger?)
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 17 21:44:20 2002 (#4141)

wow. how did you get inside my head? seriously, i can totally relate to that.