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Threads 876 to 900

since im bored
Posted by Vapor on Sun Jun 16 23:58:37 2002 (#4115)

well, seeing as i'll not be driving anywhere till i get my car fixed im bored at home here. im thinking of dying my hair again. completely bleach it out and do the whole thing hot red. what do y'all think?
Later, Vapor

Re: since im bored
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jun 17 00:10:08 2002 (#4116)

Been there done that, but the color I wanted did come near the color I wanted. And insight of a week there was no trace of color what so ever. So I shaved my head.

I like shaving my head it good to start fresh now and then but the first few times it was shocking. Now it is just like changing clothes. And when I want hair I put on a wig I love that's burgandy.

Re: since im bored
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 17 12:12:28 2002 (#4128)

I dyed my hair red once...made me look more like DANA SCULLY from the X-Files...hence the nickname Scully.

I bet your's would look cool though...red is a wicked colour...I have considered BLUE, also PINK would be wicked.

Anyway, C YA

Re: since im bored
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 17 20:27:29 2002 (#4130)

That sounds cool I say go for it, I want that red hair, but I dont want to bleach mine so I went with black.
black and my pail skin makes me feel dead so I dont have to go any further(joke)

Have fun Vapor.
KAT

Re: since im bored
Posted by Vapor on Tue Jun 18 19:26:28 2002 (#4182)

i've had red before. but like real red feria and stuff. im thinking like magic marker red. you know what i mean? red like RED. i've dont pink before but that was before pink the singer and kelly osbourne. now i feel like people would think i was copying. i had blue highlights once but i dont like the way it fades to green.
Later, Vapor

Re: since im bored
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 17 21:40:57 2002 (#4139)

red, definitely. My hair's black at the moment. has been red though...and purple. i'm in a black mood now though. hmmmmmmm

*-*
Posted by chelle on Mon Jun 17 05:49:49 2002 (#4121)

everyday is so crappy.
why is everyone so stupid???
well....I guess i am too.....
I feel like Im gonna throw up.....
I feel sick....
life is a piece of SHIT!!!

Re: *-*
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jun 17 06:01:05 2002 (#4122)

Sometimes it can be that way for years. Then we open our eyes and see that we had the key to changing things all along. We just hadn't exercised our power because we were afraid of the consequences. And when we finally did we were amazed how things did not follow our expectations. And maybe it was a matter of timing.

Hope that helped...Dawn

Re: *-*
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 17 12:04:37 2002 (#4126)

I am sorry that you feel so bad...

What stupid things are everyone doing??

Re: *-*
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 17 20:29:22 2002 (#4131)

Hey hun, how are ya? not doin so good I guess.

Everyday for me seems crappy too, but when I come online to talk with my friends (you guys) it makes me feel a littl better.
love ya
KAT

Re: *-*
Posted by Vapor on Tue Jun 18 19:32:08 2002 (#4184)

im the stupidest person i know only because i realize how much i can never understand.
the curses of being intelligent. sometimes i wonder if they've mixed up the test scores....
ever had to do all those IQ test things? i did a few years back. they made me do it a bunch of times cause i scored so high they thought there had been some mistake... owell.
Later, Vapor

Prozac Nation
Posted by Sam on Mon Jun 17 07:01:11 2002 (#4123)

Hey people -
I think it was somebody in here who recommended the book Prozac Nation. Well, I just read it while I was on vacation, and it really helped me cope with all the depressing and suicidal thoughts that are always swirling aroud in my head. Since I was on a cruise and I didn't have a computer nearby, I guess it was like carrying this message board around with me. I really recommend the book. It's not all about SI, but it's an autobiography about depression, anorexia, drug abuse, and SI all put together. Anyway, if you've got a chance, check it out. (Just don't worry about the dumb librarian who will probably be staring at you.)

Sam

Re: Prozac Nation
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 17 12:03:42 2002 (#4125)

Did you get this book in Britain, 'cos I have had trouble getting hold of book about SI from local libraries.

Have you heard of Cutting by Steven Levenkron, or a Bright Red Scream, these are two books that I like the rebiews for and am trying to get hold of..

Nicke.

P.S. Did you have a good vacation???

Re: Prozac Nation
Posted by Sam on Tue Jun 18 03:10:30 2002 (#4158)

I got the book in Chicago, but it was the only SI book I could find.

I'll check out the other books soon, since I don't exactly have anything else to do this summer.

Thanx,
Sam

Re: Prozac Nation
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 17 20:31:18 2002 (#4132)

My mom is reading this book.
I never seen it before but I heard it was good but now that you described whats in it, Im scared that my mom is reading it.
thanks though, I love reading and about those kinds of things, I might pick it up once I get done reading something I have to (for school)

Re: Prozac Nation
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 17 21:00:32 2002 (#4136)

hey. I wrote a post about it not long ago. i'm glad it helped you, it helped me loads.
Love always,
El x

Re: Prozac Nation
Posted by Jade on Tue Jun 18 04:09:05 2002 (#4164)

I've read something else by the same author, I remember the ad thingy in the book that I read. I read bright red scream, I can find tons of books on SI, but they are all 'informational' which means that 9 times out of 10 they are lies. I would like to read more that are someone's personal experience with SI. Any suggestions? ~Jade

KAT
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 17 09:46:01 2002 (#4124)

I was looking through your old post to try and find an email address for you ( Ihope you don't mind) and one thing i learned is that you have scome so far in the last so many maonths, you musn't lose sight of that.

You are an inspiration to everyone on this board, including me, you are proof that you can get better...This doesn't mean that you can't have a relapse though, you wouldn't be human if yu didn't.

Don't be sad about itt though, these relapses only serve as a lesson to teach us and make us stronger...

Keep smiling, and email me if things get so bad...

Nicke

Dawn
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 17 20:36:48 2002 (#4133)

Nicke
Hi, thank you so much for the kinds words.
really it made me smile.
Things have been bad these past couple weeks but your right I have come SO freaking far over the past 2 years. I would never let myself get as depressed as I was.
I have looked into my old posts too..and on the old board and it was scary how much I changed,but a good thing.

I think people might have mixed opinions on this,but if you go back and re-read some things you've posted like the very first week you came here you can realize what's been goin on this whole time.And it could be a shock as to how far you've also come and how much has been learned (or the lack there of I suppose)

thanks again Nicke. did you find my e-mail?
If not,I will e-mail you.
:)
love ya
KAT
(okay I'm going to re-name this post because I need to tell Dawn something but dont wanna make a new post)
Dawn: I e-mailed you at peacewanted@webtv.net and it sent it back to me?
what is your new e-mail?
:)

donna
Posted by cutz like hell on Mon Jun 17 21:31:55 2002 (#4137)

hey i been on here before, but i havent for ages, but i have a message from donna,
she says 'hi, but she cant face talkin at the mo, shes sorry, but she may be gone for a while' sorry ta tell you guys this,
but stay safe... cutz like hell

Re: donna
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 17 21:41:37 2002 (#4140)

I hope everything gets better for whatever she is going through right now.

Please keep us updated so that we won't worry to hard.
If thats not possible, tell her we care! and are thinking about her
-KAT

Re: donna
Posted by Jade on Tue Jun 18 04:18:14 2002 (#4165)

Tell her that we care and that we hope that she is doing alright. Give her a big hug for me, Jade

Re: donna
Posted by She on Tue Jun 18 16:18:10 2002 (#4173)

tell her
((((((((((((((((((((hug ))))))))))))))))))))))
manny manny hugzzzz frome She and i love her .
Thanxx
she

No sense
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 17 21:52:40 2002 (#4142)

I keep staring at the sky. The clouds are never the same from one minute to the next, they keep changing. Moving on. I wish I could move on.
Why is it that words, moments, pain from the past keep coming back to haunt me? They hang around my neck like a lead weight stopping me from stepping forwards. My whole life is like a ball and chain. I'm a prisoner. I'm not making any sense.
I've been ill, not been able to come on here for a few days. All the pretense, pretending i'm ok, that I don't hurt any more, it's taking it's toll on me. Not that anyone notices even when it's in front of their face. My pain couldn't be any more obvious, yet people chose to believe that i'm better. That all this shit they keep pumping into my body is working.
I've had enough.

Re: No sense
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 18 01:22:53 2002 (#4149)

Eleanor, sorry if you don't wanna hear anyone right now, but I feel the same way so much.
And I think god, these things have happened to me so many years ago why do they still hurt like it was just yesterday they happened.
I think it's because we haven't even begun to work through any of it and it will continue to eat away until something happens, good or bad..Im not sure.
sorry this isn't much help.

Some people are blind to see what's going on because maybe it hurts them to much to accept the truth, and in turn we see it as not caring and ignorance, and that just adds to all this bullshit.
take care hun
KAT

Re: No sense
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jun 18 09:51:16 2002 (#4167)

I don't really know what to say excpet that I know how you feel. It can be very emotionally draining to pretend to everyone that you are fine, and it is easier to telll the dcotor that you are getting better because they are the professional and they know best...

Well, you have to let people know that you are not fine otherwise they will not know and not be able to help you...Some people are just that dumb!!

Anyway...mail me if you need...

Nicke

Re: No sense
Posted by She on Tue Jun 18 16:20:31 2002 (#4174)

wow ive missed you so much i had a thousend things i wantted to tell you but i dont think it would all fit in the 0ost well any way it all comes down to .
I LLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVV VVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEE YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
She

Re: No sense
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 18 20:02:53 2002 (#4186)

I love you too! i missed you so much. what do you want to tell me?? xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: No sense
Posted by She on Tue Jun 18 22:10:52 2002 (#4189)

I misssssseeedddd you more
Umm i forgotten oppsy i think it was something to do with how much i
LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVV VVEEEEEEEEEE
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU
hee hee
She

please read this!!!
Posted by some girl on Mon Jun 17 22:29:27 2002 (#4143)

hey people sorry i havent been on in awhile!!! but yeah things are going pretty good at the moment i havent cut in like 6 months!!! i am sooo happy i have had some times when i wanted to but i kept myself from doing it!!! but i have a question... does anyone ever get these periods of time when they doubt theirselves even though they know there is someone out there who cares for u and u pretty much have a "perfect life"??? i was jw~ write back

Re: please read this!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jun 17 23:35:54 2002 (#4145)

Hey. I don't know. I suppose I must do. There have been times when I have had friends who cared about me and I still felt just as bad about myself as I do now when I don't have anybody. It's shit.
I'm glad you're doing ok. Take care,
Love always,
El x

Re: please read this!!!
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jun 18 00:12:09 2002 (#4146)

Even though i know theres always somone who cares, it seems like i always feel like no one does. Your not alone. Those feelings are there...
Lone one

Paroxetine
Posted by laura on Mon Jun 17 23:16:57 2002 (#4144)

Hey, my psych just gave me 20g paroxetine, has any1 else had this and does it help at all? Its made me really ill so far but she said it should get better soon. Hope it helps me from wanting to commit suicide all the time.
Take care love LaUrA xxx

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jun 18 00:15:10 2002 (#4147)

never had it

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by Deepfreeze on Tue Jun 18 03:01:40 2002 (#4156)

I've been on 5mg, 10mg,20mg,30mg, and am currently on 40mg. the sickness will go away after a while and your depression will either get worse or better but your anxiety goes away.

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jun 18 12:15:47 2002 (#4168)

I am currently taking Paroxetine...30mg though, my dosage was increased because of panic attacks.

It does help, you have to wait fot them to kick in though, which could take a few weeks.

It also says on some of the leaflets that the thoughts and feelings of SI and suicide may get worse at first...hang in there though...they are not bad...

Nicke.

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by Deepfreeze on Tue Jun 18 17:06:51 2002 (#4177)

Also Tics may develop.

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by laura on Tue Jun 18 22:27:30 2002 (#4190)

thanx u guys and wot was dat about tics. was dat a joke? Take care, love LaUrA xxx

Re: Paroxetine
Posted by Deepfreeze on Wed Jun 19 00:34:24 2002 (#4194)

No Tics are no joke.
Ticks are the blood sucking bug.
Tics are short spams of a muscle, I have one in my throat/air tube muscle and my eyebrow mucles. it makes my throat contract and my eyebrows raise at the same time. but they last no longer then 2 seconds per tic.

Feelings
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jun 18 01:22:47 2002 (#4148)

Hapless, hopeless, helpless. Do any one you feel like you are Bad, like shit, like meaningless because you are alone, unattached, like no one realy cares for you because.......... just because you are you, nothing, unlovable, unlikeable, a great big O?

I feel that way. And it is a lie. Jesus loves me. Sometimes I feel sadness because Jesus walked this earth never doing anything wrong, just walked and asked to be loved by Him and people rejected Him.

I meet people on the city bus. We strike up conversation and other in the bus join in but I am alone. Have been most of my life. Had to work at keeping a husband who raped me, knocked me down, threatened to kill me, even tried seveal dozen times, But I knew if I left him I'd be alone. And I am and he has friends up the kazoo.

And yet now that I've been unmarried for 15 years I wouldn't stay with anyone who treated me the way he did. So if I'm choosing to be single because I know what marriage is like why is it I feel unlikable, unlovable, rejected and unwanted?

Re: Feelings
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 18 01:29:06 2002 (#4150)

Hi Dawn.
ah..I don't know..
I used to have those feelings mainly the ones that they ask you in the hospital the three H's.

but these days I feel like I've been alone so long (it really hasn't been that long) that I am content with myself, and thats okay.
I get upset sometimes because I don't have anyone I can call up and hang out with, I don't have someone who asks me how I am in every day life.

But then there's you, you have been single 15 years and that's your choice you said, but I guess maybe it's those lies that the mind can send you.
Unloveable, unlikeable, not wanted..because theyaren't true.
I mean really is all of those things, Im not sure if anyone is.

Maybe it's this depression thing, or years of being shit on causing the ideas to stick.
I just don't know.

take care
love you much
KAT

Re: Feelings
Posted by chelle on Tue Jun 18 02:33:10 2002 (#4152)

I LOVE GOD....

Dawn!
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jun 18 12:58:04 2002 (#4169)

You are not alone...we are here...

That might not mean much because we are really not there in the physical sense...but we can share your hurt and help you heal.

I know what you mean when you distinguish between the physical loneliness and the FEELING of lonliness, you can be in a crowded room and yet feel so alone...yet you can be in an open field with no-one around and yet feel so complete...Life is full of paradox's.

Personally I don't belong to a faith, but I have the upmost respect for those that do...I do not judge...not consciously anyway.

You had a bad experience with marriage, and watching my mum go through what she did made me wonder why she stayed with him...you soon realise that in a strange way it has something to do with love and fear and being afraid to be alone...It doesn't look so much like a hard question to answer now, you begin to understand.

One thing, once you begin to love yourself and trust others then you will learn that there are so many positive, loveable things about you...people on this board have so much respect for you, (I know that I haven't had much interaction with you), you have helped alot of people on here. It all means nothing though unless you believe it yourself.

Once you start loving yourslef and trusting people again, then you will realise that you can love, and that you can BE loved.

Love hurts...but it shouldn't hurt so much that it stops you loving yourself...

Sorry, this has felt like I was giving you a lecture...I was just touched by your post and had to reply...

Nicke.X

Re: Feelings
Posted by Deepfreeze on Tue Jun 18 17:11:33 2002 (#4178)

Hang in there Dawn, it will be good one of these days. Life sucks but we must live it.

life..............................
Posted by chelle on Tue Jun 18 02:30:59 2002 (#4151)

I really dont care if I die tomorrow.
of course I'll miss a couple people,
but I wont miss my life...HELL NO!!!
this piece of crap....Ill laugh my brains out.
i just so wish that I could show every one that their wrong.....that I did try to beat this...not just play along with it. I tried so hard so much to find my way out....but thay would all kick me back in.......I hate big sounds...I hate it!!
it kills me.....I get so scared to the pit....
I dont know anymore....why the hell am I breathing anyways??????? why do I eat?
I dont care if I fuckin live.....then why do I sleep? I don care about my life...me or what the fuck anyone thinks,,,,dam..I hate it.
everyone makes a big deal about everything.....
my fuckin mom and dad....HEY!! ITS YOUR GUYS FAULT THAT I FUCKIN BLEED ASSHOLES!!!!!
like theyll really care about me.....i cut myself...they juts look...and walk away...
my fuckin mom just walked away!!! can u believe that??? i was crying and my fuckin dad just looked away!! what the hell?!?!?!? you call this a life??? atleast...my brother cares for me....only him that really cares....
I dont know.....maybe Ill just wake up one morning and run away. or maybe Ill wont even wake up.......thats just how it goes I guess......
dam........I feel like crying again.....
shit shit shit!.......I feel weak...

Re: life..............................
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jun 18 02:39:02 2002 (#4153)

*hugs*

Re: life..............................
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 18 03:03:59 2002 (#4157)

Chelle..
it makes me sad to see you hurt like this.

Your such a special person and you don't deserve this, it's like the people who try the hardest get shit on the most, or maybe it just seems that way to me.

After a while, it's like what the hell? just give up..but you can't.

Giving up isn't hard and it takes time to get yourself out of that 'givin up' mode, but it takes a lot of work to get yourself back to where you have some hope somewhere inside your body.

The people who "love" us hurt us the most, what a sick fact of life that is.

I'm here and you know where to reach me, and remember no matter what you do, cut, cry, hurt, and if no one there seems to care..remember I care.
and your brother does, and Im sure so many more people do too, but are to afraid to see you hurt that they just ignore the problem.
love you babe!
*hugs*
KAT

Re: life..............................
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jun 18 13:04:06 2002 (#4170)

Hang on in there hunny...I feel so sorry that you feel this way...email me if you need to talk.

Just find one thing that keeps you fighting...think of your brother and what you dying would do to him.

There is something that a friend once told me and while I thought it was very blunt, I have to say I agreed...eventually.

He said that if I really wanted to kill myself then I would...the fact that I haven't yet done it is a good thing because there is something there holding me back, keeping me alive, you know?? Just find whatever it is that is keeping you from doing it...when you find it hold on to it, because it must be special...even if it is something so simple as you want to find out what happens in the next edition of your favoutrite programme.

Keep smiling...Nicke

Re: life..............................
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 18 18:19:20 2002 (#4179)

I'm sorry you feel like this. I've been there and I know how shit it is, i hate to think of anyone else being like that. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
mail me if you ever wanna talk.
Love always,
El x

Just SHoot me
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jun 18 02:52:53 2002 (#4154)

Everyday, I walk alone,
Wishing someone would come along,
Hold me close in my times of pian,
Kiss me sweetly until I'm drained,
Sell my soul of all thats good,
And let me die on the one night I am alive.

But that will never happen!
I'm cursed to bad things,
I'm full of neverciecing Pain!
Things that they claim will all go away
WEll look at my arms you fag!
Does it look like it can just vanish?!
Those scars are from the pains...
Those pains that sink deep
There the scars for everytime the pain goes to far

I wish someone would just shoot me,
just put me out of my misery,
take me away to someplace sureen,
like that deep sleep that can overtake me,
Please, just take me away...

Re: Just SHoot me
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 18 02:59:12 2002 (#4155)

you know what, Im not so depressed anymore and I think thats half due to me taking my meds the right way actually.
but I wish the same thing soooo much.
God please take me away, take me with you, someone shoot me, kill me, run me over.
Ive tried to die on my own and I can't succeed.

I think that at least once a week, I mean it's always with me.

as long as it stays a thought and not an action, you can get through this, when you start acting out your thoughts is when it's time to let someone help.

Your in my thoughts

KAT

Re: Just SHoot me
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jun 18 03:11:05 2002 (#4159)

My thoughts aren't actions at the moment, but anything can change that...the night is still young...and i can still be pushed firther into my mixed shell...

Re: Just SHoot me
Posted by Deepfreeze on Tue Jun 18 03:12:35 2002 (#4160)

Megan you know I care and *NOTHING* can change that!

Re: Just SHoot me
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jun 18 03:18:09 2002 (#4161)

Sometimes I wish you didn't Chris...

Re: Just SHoot me
Posted by Deepfreeze on Tue Jun 18 03:24:11 2002 (#4162)

:( But I do and nothing will stop that, Without you I am nothing but a empty shell of a human. You're the only reason I'm still alive and not in a insane asylum, jail or in my grave. We can get through this! Both me and you.

Re: Just SHoot me
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jun 18 13:09:29 2002 (#4171)

I can so relate to that poem...you just wish that someone will do what you have failed to do...kind of takes away the guilt you will feel, like you weren't selfish...you didn't do it...'someone else did it'...you know?

People won't have to try and understand why 'you could do such a thing' because 'someone else did it'.

Good writing...Nicke

Re: Just SHoot me
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 18 18:20:43 2002 (#4180)

that was beautiful. it really touched me. probably cause i can identify with it so much. love x

Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am...
Posted by Deepfreeze on Tue Jun 18 03:36:02 2002 (#4163)

I'm Chris a depressed person on paroxotene HCl 40mg who has problems with depression, anxiety, and whatnot. I don't cut myself at this time, and I've never actually attempted to commit suicide (I almost jumped out of the 4th floor at my school but Megan was in my mind and she stopped me. I know megan in real life and I care about her more then I care about the world and myself. I do bite myself though, I bite hard and sharp, leaves a nice bruise too, and for some reason a annoying rash. I'm ok right now but I was really depressed earlier. Meditation, biting, food, games, computer programming and of course megan cheer me up and make me less depressed. My dad can be a evil ogre sometimes, he demands a lot out of me, more then I can do sometimes, I'm not a adult dad.

Re: Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am...
Posted by chelle on Tue Jun 18 06:21:12 2002 (#4166)

hey,
just wanted to say hi and hello.

Re: Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am...
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jun 18 13:10:47 2002 (#4172)

What can I say except ...WELCOME...

Nicke

Re: Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am... *NM*
Posted by Deepfreeze on Tue Jun 18 17:04:37 2002 (#4175)

Re: Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am...
Posted by Deepfreeze on Tue Jun 18 17:05:40 2002 (#4176)

Thanks for welcoming me.

Re: Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am...
Posted by Eleanor on Tue Jun 18 18:23:07 2002 (#4181)

hey. i'm glad you're here. which megan btw? love el x

Re: Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am...
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 18 20:32:07 2002 (#4187)

Hello, everyone is welcome here!!
I suppose you mean Megan "lone wolf"

Im glad that you two have each other because the world can be a scary place when your all by yourself.

KAT

Re: Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am...
Posted by laura on Tue Jun 18 22:30:02 2002 (#4191)

hewwo! xxx

Re: Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am...
Posted by Deepfreeze on Wed Jun 19 00:25:01 2002 (#4193)

...
Yeah I mean Lone Wolf.

Re: Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am...
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jun 19 00:48:35 2002 (#4195)

We don't exactly have each other...

Re: Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am...
Posted by Deepfreeze on Thu Jun 20 02:52:43 2002 (#4230)

I live about a hour away :(

Re: Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am...
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jun 20 21:15:50 2002 (#4252)

Non the less I still havn't seen you in almost TWO years!! Besides, there is alot I can do in only an hour.

blah blah blah
Posted by *me* on Tue Jun 18 19:48:31 2002 (#4185)

you guys...i don't know. i'm working a few summer camps this summer for little kids...and i've just been thinking. i've always LOVED little kids, but lately, especially working with these preschoolers...i've always dreamt of the day when i would grow up, get married, have this loving husband and my own kids. but i don't know, i don't want to bring children into the world if they are going to take after me..mentally i mean. i don't want to have my child suffer from depression and know it was my fault. because aren't most mental illnesses hereditary? isn't depression? i KNOW that having children is a LONG way off for me, but i just can't help worrying. isn't that stupid of me? i think it's stupid. because i'm 17, i'm not planning on even getting married any time soon. but i don't know...just knowing that i could ruin my child's life that way...it breaks my heart.

ok, and here's a question...does anyone know anything about that program..SAFE i think it's called? isn't it like a rehab center for cutters or something? i heard there was a place like that in the US. i was thinking like maybe after i graduate from college or something i could check myself in there. cutting and SI has become an addiction for me, and after school, after my LIFE really begins...i don't want to have that addiction dragging me down. because cutting has dragged me down. i know "normal" is a stupid word, bc what really is "normal?" but honestly..NORMAL people don't feel the way i do. and i don't want to live like this the rest of my life. i don't, but i can't stop by myself. and i don't really WANT to stop NOW. but after you're out of school you're like officially STARTING life, no one can control you anymore, and i could check myself in somewhere and get help. my family would never even have to know, i could just say i was traveling somewhere. i was thinking about this a lot the other day. anyway, if anyone has any information that would help me a lot.

sorry for the rambling.

ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 18 21:23:28 2002 (#4188)

HI sweetie, you know what? I've thought that same thing, about having kids and having them go through what I went through.
I think a lot of disorders and depression is passed on by heredity, but you never know what kind of genes your future husband might have, and also I think (but could be wrong ) that depression and a lot of what goes on with it, besides a few disorders, are set off by something, you know what I mean?
I guess I was thinking if I could take really good care of my child they wouldnt end up like me,although I know we can't shelter our kids, goddamn..Im beginning to see where my mother has been coming from all these years.

Okay next thing!
I have been to SAFE.
what's your e-mailI will mail you all the info I have.
My mom found the site a long time ago, but I dont know it off the top of my head, but I will definently tell you that if you are considering going there and you can. PLEASE DO.
PLEASE.
I believe that they helped save my life, more then any other hospital I have been in.
it's different because they are specifically for people who SI, so it's not a bunch of different things grouped together.
I miss that place.

Cutting was an addiction for me too..god it really was.
I started doing it for what seemed like the fun of it, but it wasn't fun, it was a habit..a really unhealthy one.
and it was also my coping mechanism..but there are new ways and they are hard to reach when your so far deep into cutting(sorry) but it can be done.
All my love to you girl!
KAT

KAT
Posted by *me* on Wed Jun 19 19:20:49 2002 (#4212)

Thanks for replying...I would LOVE to get any information you have...my email is gurlie_gurl_10@yahoo. com
If you could just somewhere in the subject put that it's you...bc I'm a bit paranoid and I don't open anything unless I know who it's from! :-) So you think SAFE is a good place to go? I don't know. I was just thinking that maybe when I get out of college I could check myself in there, and no one would have to know or be able to control me not going there...and it wouldn't interfere with school cuz I'd be done with it. That's a while away though...I'm 17 right now so going to SAFE would be at least 5 years in the future. But if I went I might be able to stop this and feel normal. Live some of my life without this...yeah. So what was it like there? I have a ton of questions. Even if you don't have any professional information or whatever, could you please email me and tell me what it was like there and stuff? Thank you so much.

Re: blah blah blah
Posted by Vapor on Wed Jun 19 02:20:20 2002 (#4196)

first. if you dont learn how to live when you are in school then you wont be living when youre outta school cause you wont be prepared for it. SAFE is outta chicago i think maybe? or that might be a different rehab place but theres one there like that. and also, mental illness such as depression, anxiety, and OCD are believed to run in familys and there are trends of them showing up in the same family, but so far it is UNPROVEN scientifically. there is no direct evidence at all of a genetic link. so that leaves the experts right now to answer the question is it more likely that it occurs among members of the same family because that is what they are TAUGHT or is it really in their genetic code? which brings us back to the age old question of nature vs nurture. and i think that if you are going to search for help for yourself it shows you are pro-active in improving yourself and youre not willing to let yourself settle for living a life you arent happy with. and if you teach your children that trait then they will most likely be able to remain strong through any adversity in their lives be it genetic predisposition or social problems...
Later, Vapor

Re: blah blah blah
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jun 19 12:10:19 2002 (#4199)

Yeah, I often wonder that about my future kids...even considered adopting instead...

My mum has depression, and my gran has been on sleeping tablets for 4 years, I only found this out a couple of weeks ago.

This all made me think that it is hereditary so I asked someone.

There is no doubt that some mental health porblems are hereditary but, so I hear, depression isn't. The only time it can be is if the person has a missing chemical in their brain called serotonin...sorry to get technical...but sometimes a person is depressed because of this as well as low mood and personal problems. If this is the case then there is a chance that this could be passed on to children...but don't forget that you never know what kind of genes your future husband will have...

Take care...

Nicke

What is.....
Posted by Jessica on Wed Jun 19 00:21:54 2002 (#4192)

Can anyone tell me what blood letting is?

Re: What is.....
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jun 19 12:12:15 2002 (#4200)

Sorry hunny, I can't help you there.

If I was guessing I would say that it has something to do with letting or comtrolling how you bleed...that made no sense but then I really have no clue.

Sorry, Nicke

Re: What is.....
Posted by Vapor on Wed Jun 19 16:15:07 2002 (#4206)

ok, i guess i have to answer. blood letting started in the middle ages when people believed that personality along with illness was all carried in the blood. when someone was sick they would either slice into their arm and drain some of their blood in an attempt to purify the body. or they would stick leeches on the patient and let them suck the blood out. they also believed (and i wont go into this in detail) that a person's personality and behavoir were determined by what was in their blood so if someone was crazy they would repeatedly drain their blood in an attempt to cure them.
so thats where it all started. today its a practice by different minor religions (cults too i think?) but anyway blood letting is draining blood from the body in order to purify ones physical body or soul.
Later, Vapor

Re: What is.....
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jun 19 17:51:28 2002 (#4207)

yep, vapor's right. we did it in history

Re: What is.....
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jun 20 02:19:04 2002 (#4229)

Especially in Cults

Re: What is.....
Posted by Dawn on Thu Jun 20 05:02:10 2002 (#4233)

Blood letting can be found in a good dictionary. Boiled down to: the shedding of blood. In an old medical dictionary it was equated with leaching, wear medical personnell would puncture a site near a wound and "let the bad blood out" then the wound was cleansed and bandage to keep out bacteria.

Now it is associated with witch-craft, and other occult rituals.

I am a Christian and have the shivvers just writing about it because of the association with devil worshippers. However, when I was cutting several times a day and remembers the dirty feelings associated with rape and perverse activities required of me to stay alive. I would feel as if all the semen was still in me and on me and I opened my arms and "let it out".

But one day I read a story about a wicked woman in a basket with an iron lid. It says winged women stuffed her inside this basket and sealed it tight, The winged women flew off with the wicked woman and took it to Babalon 9 sorry about the spelling I'm shaking so I can hardly type. Think God for delete buttons. Anyway I believe God, my Heavenly Father, for giving me a visual illustration that my wickedness feelings were all lies and that like the wicked woman my sins and the ones that others did to me were cast far from me and He cleansed me and made me white as snow and gave me a mantle to wear when I feel unclean because being human I tend to forget I now wear Christ's Righteousness and the memories are just the devil's way to keep me tormented and defeated.

Vapor
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Wed Jun 19 02:40:23 2002 (#4197)

Hey Vapor...do you have an e-mail adress?

I want to discover happiness
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jun 19 05:09:16 2002 (#4198)

On the old board I shared a lot of my story and people say it helped. I met some people online and made email and writing buddies from there. The last few days I've been emailing Linda from the old board. A true blue happy, loving woman you was on the board for one reason. To lift our spirits and point us to our Saviour.
Today I share with her how I hate people who are hurt people. It is true I was a breath away from murdering my children and myself in 1986 because I could not control their behavior and went off my nut when my 11 year old son called me a bitch and said he didn't have to do anything I said.

We are all alive and get along ok now but it is hard to let go of knowing how close I came to murder. But deeper than thatI am having a hard time getting past all the emotional pain of being beaten into submission by my mother who often left my bleeding and bruised from her back hand across my mouth, bruises up and down my legs and back, and knots in my scalp so bad I couldn't comb my hair for weeks.

And then there are over 150 different people who raped me, made my mouth bleed until I submitted to their body part, and all the times I had to submit to rape to save my life. Even my husband was an assailant. Each time he raped or sodomized me hate grew and love for him died.

But I grew up and came to the place where fear of being homeless and alone again was preferable than staying is such abusive relationship.

I've been working on exposing the pain in my memory banks hurt by hurt, grief by grief and turning my anger on myself because I remember where it can take me and I don't want to me a mass murderer. But finally I'm tired of hurting from the past and I want to get passed it and find love and happiness. I've forgiven just about everyone who beat me, raped me, conspired to raped me, and even my mother, God rest her soul.

I don't want to wait till my body and mind are well. But just as I came to Jesus with a broken heart, soul, and mind. I want to say right now. You are all my witnesses. I'm ready to put the past and all its pain behind me and love people again. If any of you want a friend who has been to hell and back my email is open. And with my 50th birthday 18 days away I'm ready to face the second half of my life or whatever time I have left.
Love and Hugs...Dawn

Re: I want to discover happiness
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 19 20:31:13 2002 (#4217)

Hi Dawn, I tried e-mailing you at peacewanted@webtv.net but it didn't work.

About Linda, Im glad you still keep in touch with her, I think maybe my first week on the old board she was one of the very first people who e-mailed me and made me feel welcome and told me about her kids and things. I've lost touch with her now, but I'd like to know how she's doing.

I've come close to murdering mother before, it's something we've forgotten, however I know that ever since then she has been afraid of making me mad, and that hurts me because I dont want her to feel like that.
Im glad you and your kids have come to some sort of agreement,..sorry if thats not the right word to describe it.
I reallly reallllllly hope that you can have happiness for the rest of your time on this Earth and then there after.

You've told me a lot about yourself, and ..I can NOT even imagine how you could still be here, I mean..I honestly think I would have been gone by now.

You have been strong that long and lived through all that shit, Im sure you can do it some more and happiness is something that comes on its own, yea/
I dont know//I really dont.
take care
love you
KAT

is this me
Posted by Jules on Wed Jun 19 12:20:40 2002 (#4201)

tonight i ask the truth
i knew the answer inside
he told me for sure
i knew before
why the hell do i want to hide

hide from what
hide from who
what the hell is this about
fuck it! i shout
is life worth this pain

the pain inside of me
i want them to know who i am
where im at, where ive been
my blade, my company that isnt clean
who cares, no one but me

i must care,
i wouldnt be here,
is it pain i feel
or is this life, is it for real
happiness i must live for

Re: is this me
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jun 19 17:52:30 2002 (#4208)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: is this me
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 19 20:33:16 2002 (#4218)

That was good..keep writing, it helps ..

take care
KAT

Re: is this me
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 20 09:50:20 2002 (#4235)

That was a really cool piece of poetry...

Keep posting your poems...

Nicke

Overdose Question
Posted by Smiley on Wed Jun 19 12:57:57 2002 (#4202)

Hi guys,
I wanna know the best way to go about taking some pills as a form of SI, rather than to kill myself.
I know you probably don't wanna encourage this sort of thing, but I'm gonna do it no matter what, so I just wanna make sure that I don't do something wrong that makes me end up a vegetable or dead.

I know many of you have had experimented with combinations of pills, and say that it's horrible experience. But that's what I'm looking for, just not to the point where I lose control and end up in hospital.

Do I take paracetemol or antidepressants? How many? Does it make you tired/nauseous/faint?
I'd really appreciate some input.

Smiley :)

Re: Overdose Question
Posted by kae on Wed Jun 19 13:35:48 2002 (#4203)

DONT DO IT. DONT!!!

Its STUPID. I know because I've done it - I''ve only ever taken a few more than the recommended dose of painkillers and FUCK I've been SICK. They affect different people differenly. You can never tell what they'll do to you next.
Even small overdoses on pills can kill you...buts its a slow death over a period of time. Pills fuck up your body and your head. I think my poor grades this year are due to taking bad amount of pills...they REALLY FUCK YOU UP.

Don't be stupid enough to do it. Seriously - if you do it, you are STUPID. I'M STUPID. My counsellor told me about a friend of hers who took overdoses of painkillers constantly - and today she can barely walk to her letterbox, they've fucked her up so badly.

DONT TRY IT. Think about what I've said and DONT DO IT.

kae

Re: Overdose Question
Posted by Vapor on Wed Jun 19 16:04:24 2002 (#4205)

everyones different so what might not hurt me in a noticible way might kill you. like you said since i cant change your mind im not giving you any pointers either you sick fuck. no that was harsh. just remember you can end up with only partial use of your brain, no kidney function, a seizure disorder... etc all from taking repeated overdoses. each individual OD may not make you sick or leave any noticible physical damage at the time but they permanenet damage that could eventually make you a vegtable in the hospital on life support and if you think thats not gonna be bad just remember that as you get older there may be more you want to do with your life and having no control and just watching life pass you by will SUCK. so, unlike cutting which 90% of the time causes minor superficial tissue damage that leaves no permanent damage, every time you exceed the 24-hour limit on the pill bottle you are taking a risk of spending the rest of your life dehabilitated possibly on full life support possibly wasting away in a hospital bed just wishing you could DIE or change the past.
Later, Vapor

Re: Overdose Question
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jun 19 17:55:24 2002 (#4209)

PLEASE don't go there. I have and it's really shitty. It totally fucked me up physically and mentally. It's really not worth it. Please, just think about it carefully and take on board what kae and vapor said.

Re: Overdose Question
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 19 20:36:32 2002 (#4219)

Ive considered overdosing on anti's and my doc. told me all it would do is give me a really bad stomache ache and diarreha.

It depends on what you take that will make you nasious or tired.

I think maybe you should re-consider this whole thing, but I know you did say you are going to do it no matter what.
I completely understand that, if there's one thing I can say..I'll say that whatever you take make sure there's not alot of one kind of a certain something in it.
for instance tylenol(I think) has asetomenaphine, that will ruin your liver.
again sorry if I got my drugs mixed up.

Stay away from the narcotics.
please be careful in whatever you decide to do.
love you much
KAT

Re: Overdose Question
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 20 09:53:11 2002 (#4236)

The problem with taking pills is that you never know what is happening to your body...paracetamol mess with your liver and I don't know what other pills do.

If you are gonna do it anyway then whatever, I can't stop you but remember thateven if you are not trying to kill yourself it may just happen anyway because you really don't know what you are doing to yourself.

Take care...Nicke

poem.......as yet untitled.
Posted by czarina on Wed Jun 19 15:58:45 2002 (#4204)

yeah I need a title- any suggestiong would be cool. So this basically about me (not really that SI related but never mind).. tell me what you think...

My Summer night are impatient.
They observe the sticky entanglements
With a humid lack of compassion.
Yet here I fit in; choose to stumble.

Uncomfortable, unloving clasped hot
Hands drag one another away from
THe crawling crowd. The upturned smile
Hits my fickle eyes with surprise.

THe embrace- inevitable- is lacking:
No tenderness, perhaps passion but
Not of sincerity. The fire burns but
Not brightly: it is cold for me.

It is lost with me. I do not steal
Kisses. They are given to me.
And the reception is predictable.
Swallowed between tomorow and tonight.

No regrets he said in level tones;
Claims his fingertips would not forget.
SO release from him would never be
Final. Yet I want my absolution.

Thanks for reading. hope it wasn't too repellant. xox

Re: poem.......as yet untitled.
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jun 19 17:57:30 2002 (#4210)

I liked it. I'm trying to think of a title, will get back to you when i do. Love el x

Re: poem.......as yet untitled.
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 19 20:40:40 2002 (#4220)

You have a reallly good way with words, I wish I could write like that, but not anymore.
:(
untitled poems are good, some so good they don't need a title.
I have many untitled one's (but they arent very good)

Keep writing, it's fucking great.

KAT

Re: poem.......as yet untitled.
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jun 20 03:13:25 2002 (#4232)

Crimsen.....Crimsen something....*sighs* i hope that gives you an idea at least. But Kat is right...it doesnt always need a title.

sorry
Posted by Broken Girl on Wed Jun 19 19:20:20 2002 (#4211)

Hi
Right... coming clean.
My posts are boring, repetetive and depressing. You are all getting fed up with them so I decided to pretend things are getting better. I almost fooled myself as I wrote that post but then it was back to reality.
Things are getting dangerously bad. I'm not really depressed at the moment, the depression comes in fits. But my behaviour is, how should I put this... quite psycotic. I punch walls because I'm bored, I put a plastic bag over my head and suffocate myself until I'm on the verge of death then pull the bag off. Why? I dont know. I really dont.
Watched a programme the other day called 'In my head' on C4, I am exactly the same as this boy with schitzaphrenia, scarily the same. Ahh, I'm losing it. So I'm sorry for lying, I just dont know what else to do.
Ella x

Re: sorry
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jun 19 19:54:05 2002 (#4213)

Sweetheart why didn't you tell me??? You know you can tell me anything, i never get bored of hearing you no matter what you say. Oh baba, i'm worried. Email me yeah? I want to talk to you. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) )
Love you girl,
El xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: sorry
Posted by Broken Girl on Wed Jun 19 20:15:49 2002 (#4214)

Thanks, I was scared you'd hate me! Oh, I'll email you soon,
Love Ella x

Re: sorry
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jun 19 20:17:24 2002 (#4215)

why on earth would i hate you??????!!!!!!!! you're my friend and i'm worried about you! love you loads, el x

Re: sorry
Posted by She on Thu Jun 20 16:33:11 2002 (#4245)

Hi hunnie
Your posts mean a hell of alot to me .
Love you
She

Re: sorry
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 19 20:43:49 2002 (#4221)

Don't be sorry, please don't worry about lying to us or anyone.
I've lied my mother straight in the face for years, god I love her, but still.
It's understandable that you'd want us (or maybe even yourself) to think thatyou are getting better and things are okay, but if you keep covering up whats really there it will find it's way to show through some how.

Being bored is horrible, especially when you're someone who SI's or any other kind of habit or disorder.
It really gets the best of you, I would cut like hell when I was bored..be careful Ella..we love you, I do.

*hugs*
Not sure what else to tell ya, you're posts are boring, I think mine are too..but I know any little bit helps maybe even a small amount.

love
KAT

YOUR POSTS ARE NOT BORING
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 19 20:45:02 2002 (#4222)

sorry I typed are boring, and I meant AREN'T
ah I feel horrible.
disreagrd my first post.

KAT

Re: sorry
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 20 12:17:36 2002 (#4239)

Ella, those things you have done, I have also done them...the bag thing and punching walls...its okay.

I also watched that programme...I also thought that I could identify with some of Mike's symptoms...but I realised that I was 'looking' to identify with them, so I could have been trying to fool myself that I was like him...I don't know why, just crazy I guess.

I am not saying that this is what you aer doing...but if you do feel like this then I would try and make an appointment with the doctor to discuss some of these symptoms...I know this is difficult woth your parents but if you have suspected schzicophrenia then they have to listen.

Take care...

P.S. I do not think you post are anything you said...it is how you are feeling...don't stop posting...

Nicke

Re: sorry
Posted by Jade on Fri Jun 21 22:50:13 2002 (#4262)

Ella don't ever feel bad about what you are posting, this is supposed to be a place where you can do that right? I love reading your posts and I'm always glad when I see your name on the board, it means that maybe there will be a new poem or an update on how you are. I can relate tons to your posts and I hope that you will feel comfortable with sharing what's really going on with in your life. Whether your having a hard time, or trying to start making it better
(or both) I'll listen and help the best I can. Take care, Jade

need some hope
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jun 19 20:20:27 2002 (#4216)

I just want some hope. I need to know it gets better than this because if it doesn't then i want out. now.

Re: need some hope
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 19 20:48:12 2002 (#4223)

sweetie it gets sooooooo much better.

God I can not explain the difference in feelings emotions, mind set when thins get to be somewhat better.

I am getting pretty low these days but I was on a really good high there for a while, it was nice and I want to go back there.
I know it takes time and effort and I can't just pretend nothings wrong, and I have to help whats wrong..and make it so that its right, even if it never will be.
sorry if that didnt make sence

love
KAT

Re: need some hope
Posted by J on Wed Jun 19 21:30:33 2002 (#4224)

no effort is needed.just to hang on in there is enough.i felt just that way,but didnt have anybody to tell me it was gonna be ok.Now i know myself that it doesnt beat you.You beat it in some strange way.I cant tell you how that i havent got a clue about.
Though it doesnt completely go,you learn better ways to deal with it.
dont know if that helped.was just opinion.

love and support

Jess

THERE IS HOPE...LOOK AT ME
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jun 19 22:37:50 2002 (#4226)

I've had it hard. I was like humpty dumpty my heart crushed beyond repair. But the God of Hope has changed my life completely. I thought it was impossible. But I rarely cut, although, I think about it when some one upsets me, or life throws me a curve. But I'm still here.

I won't try to fool you it is HARD, majorly Hard. But I wanted it.

The life I was living with my children's father made me hate myself. I'm not a drugy, a slut, or perverted. But he was and he was my husband and I submitted until I just couldn't take anymore and I cried out to God to change me from the inside out. And he did.

All the walls I built inside me to shut myself off from being wounded by the life I live came crashing down. I decided to let my husband and our 3 kids decide for themselves how they wanted to live. And they said nothing was wrong with the life they were living so they proudly said I'm going to live the way we are. But I knew I could not. I came to the end of allowing my body to be raped and beaten or standby and let bank robbers and druggies to be telling me their stories. And I packed up a few things and left.

Being a mother who loves her children it tore me apart to leave my kids to the man only I knew him to be. But I was not going to let my dog have sex with my body no matter who pressured me to.

I had to beg for a place to sleep for a while. And beg for food. Sometimes I still need to go get a food box, but at least I do it feeling clean and not hating the things I do.

But it got worse before it got better, because I needed to let all the hurts come to the surface and took them to Jesus, and to a group of women who like me had grown up with abuse, jut like we do here. The only difference is I verbalize what happened to me to make me hate myself enough to injure myself. And now I have opened the door to forgiveness of those who trapped me and force me to perform heinous acts and become a person that would beat and come to a day when I would murder my children because I couldn't control them. But by the grace of God my Savior I didn't. And I have forgiven myself for the things I came close to doing but didn't.

We all have our pain and we run from it. But I've learned that to beat it I've had to stop, turn around and face the truth, denounce it, and allow God to show me which way to go from where I am at any given moment. I don't have to clean myself up first. Jesus accepts me, He accepts all of us just the way we are and if we are willing He will begin to clean us up and help us to help others climb out of that pit of dispair we get sucked into.

I'm not the most beautiful creature God made. I look inside at all I've done and all that has been done to me and I have to turn my eyes away. But as I change inside I see myself as God sees me. Not scum anymore but some one who was a victim of violence and sexual since I was a baby wearing diapers and some tall man put his fingers where they didn't belong. To a woman who will not let life beat me, who speaks the unspeakable, not to draw pity from myself of others. But for the sole reason of telling the world. These things happened to me and for a while I injured myself, putting my pain out in the open for others to see and maybe ask what happened to me and I can say. I was one of the walking wounded but Christ is healing me accepting me as I am. And what He has done for me He is waiting to do for you. All you have to do is reach out your hand and grab hold of his and ask Him to clean away the dirt and infection that has ruled you life and breathe into me the breath of life and give me love for myself so I can love others as you love me.
If you come to the end of what you can deal with and you need a friend to chat with. email me. Love and hugs... Dawn

Re: THERE IS HOPE...LOOK AT ME
Posted by Deepfreeze on Thu Jun 20 02:55:41 2002 (#4231)

I hear there is hope, it will take a while but there is hope.

Re: need some hope
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 20 12:12:50 2002 (#4238)

Eleanor, I have come through the dark tunnel of depression once before. I got better for a year.

I got down again, and it was hard.

This time I learned that I will be succeptable to bouts of depression for the rest of my life. This sounds scary but really, once I accepted that, I found that I could move on. The thing I have to do is to recognise the signs early enough and get help as soon as I start to notice things changing.

I'm sorry if this doesn't offer you much hope but really...IT DOES GET BETTER!!!!!

Nicke. P.S. email me if you need anything hunny!

Re: need some hope
Posted by She on Thu Jun 20 16:30:20 2002 (#4243)

:o(
love you.
She

Re: need some hope
Posted by Jade on Fri Jun 21 22:59:33 2002 (#4263)

There's always hope as long as you believe that there is I suppose. Determine what exactly you are looking for, specificly, not just 'happiness' is it acceptance or enlightenment, or true love, or an escape from what it is that you are feeling now? And then work out what the triggers for those emotions are, and what you can do to start feeling better in small ways. I'm sure that there's hope for you cause I'm sending you tons of love :) ((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))) )))))
*Jade

Self Harm?????
Posted by Dee on Wed Jun 19 22:30:52 2002 (#4225)

I Don't see it as self harm anymore I see it as my way of coping, coping with all the shit that life deals out.

I've done so well at the moment haven't cut for a while but it's all building up now, the hurt and pain I just what to let it out. I feel like screaming but no one's going to come and save me so why waist my breath?
I don't know why I feel so shit, maybe if I knew I could feel better.
Why do I do this to myself? I remember the first time I did it I don't know why I did it I just had to let it out. I'd never heard of anyone hurting themselves, I wish I'd never started, but as long as I'm not hurting anyone why shouldn't I do it.

Re: Self Harm?????
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jun 19 23:23:12 2002 (#4228)

It is self harm. But it does something nothing else does. As you say you feel like screaming but who would come and save you. My question to you is: Do you want someone's attention, love, company.? And if they did come and save you what would they be saving you from? What would you say is wrong?

Now take a breath, you don't have to verbalize any answers if you don't want to. And if you want to live in denial and say you aren't hurting anyone else that is your perogative, but it is denial.

Several years ago the therapist I was seeing wanted me to buy a doll or make a rag doll and when I felt like cutting to cut on the doll, then I could use a red marker and needle and thread and take care of the doll just as I took care of myself after I had cut.

I told one of my sisters about it and she thought that was a good idea and she made me a big rag doll. But I have never found it within myself to cut on her. She's only a doll, but because of her creation to be a representative of me it is inconceivable to me to harm her. I don't see myelf as being that cruel. Can you?

Think about it...Dawn

Re: Self Harm?????
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 20 12:08:40 2002 (#4237)

I agree that as long as you are not hrting anyone then why should they matter...Well I used to agree...now I think that 'I' should matter enough.

Many people like yourself have the similar experience of not knowing anyone else who does it, they just have the urges to do it.

One thing, you should try and replace your cutting with something else, a positive thing, or way of coping.

Nicke,X

Re: Self Harm?????
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 20 16:21:02 2002 (#4240)

Hi
Yes, I know what you mean all to well... But as Nicke says you should matter enough, we all should though it doesnt seem like that sometimes.
Good luck with the future. I hope your still not cutting.
Welcome to the board by the way.
Ella x

Re: Self Harm?????
Posted by Jade on Fri Jun 21 23:08:09 2002 (#4264)

Hi Dee,
That's exactly what self injury is, a coping mechanism, when people have more extreme things to cope with, they find more extreme ways to cope.
I'm glad that you've been able to go so long without cutting, I hope that you can keep going, but remember not to be disappointed in yourself if you do, just keep trying to be safe again. Take care and stick around the board, I think you'd like it here, Jade

Reaching me
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jun 19 23:06:08 2002 (#4227)

If anyone wants to email me there is this address, remember to capitalize the P or my other email address for the board is looking4compassio n@webtv.net (no caps)

If anyone is missing Linda's love and compassion post it and today or tomorrow she might read it. Since the board changed and the format is not so conducive to buddy interaction and not so receptive of Christian caring. She backed off and is busy with children's ministry at her church. But I'm fairly sure if you reach out to you she will respond either individually or collectively.
Love and hugs all around...Dawn

Oh, I have great news....I'm eating again. YEAH!!!

it just hurts,,
Posted by chelle on Thu Jun 20 07:25:18 2002 (#4234)

I dont know why I feel like this....
I really dont know.
it just hits me so hard.....
and I just lay there....
today..I was seriously thinking and planning when to kill myself. I cant believe I still do that.....Its still stuck in my head. Id remeber when I first tried and noone noticed.......dam..I wish I died that day...
I wish this feeling will go away...and I will be able to get up one morning feeling like I want to wake up u know? not feeling like closing my eyes and slowly stop breathing so I dont have to wake up no more. I dont know why....but everything triggers all these emotions....I feel like Im going to explode or something. I try to act hyper in front of my friends....but whenever I do that their just looking at someone thats not me....its just a thing....its not me.....and it sucks...because it just hurts....I cant trust them...I cnat tell them anything....when I thought they understand....its always just lies that spreads all over the place...
maybe Im just selfish...? like my mom and dad says..."a selfish little brat" yea....thanks mom and dad, doesnt that make me feel alot better...assholes. I remember the first day I cut myself....it was 5years ago....I was 13...dam I remeber like it was yesterday. i just cut cut cut cut cut. it didnt hurt...I didnt care....I wanted to die. even now...I still think about it....
hey, a long everlasting sleep......it doesnt sound that bad....tata for now.
~chelle~

Re: it just hurts,,
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 20 16:25:54 2002 (#4242)

Hi
That is exactly how I feel. Wow. Just as I thought I was losing my empathy someone types my inner most thoughts on to the page.
I dont feel the pain any more just an acute relief to which nothing else comes close.
Mums and Dads, they tell me I'm stupid, useless and pathetic. mmm, what a lot I have to thank them for.
If you want to email me and talk please do, I hate being the first one though, hope things get better.
Ella x

Re: it just hurts,,
Posted by Green Egg Sam on Thu Jun 20 17:34:11 2002 (#4247)

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH-
Consider that a big hug from me. I know exactly what you're feeling, and I think most of us on this board can relate. It seems like chaos is the norm in my life (or at least in my head) and it seems like you're going through the same kinds of things.

I know this sounds generic, but find someone to talk to. I personally am terrified of using the phone, but I think coming to this board and e-mailing the people on it has helped me. Maybe I don't have all the answers, but I'm always here to listen if you want to vent.

Love always,
Sam(antha)

hiya
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu Jun 20 16:25:10 2002 (#4241)

hiya everyone. been online today and just thought id come by and read a few posts and see how everyone is doing because i just thought ohh fuck it im coming on to see you all......just fuck it....

so how are you all? also thought id better post and let people know that im not ignoring you....for some reason my comp wont let me send emails at the moment, so yeah, eleanor, she, ella, nicke, email you asap. nicke thanks by the way for before :-)

eleanor, yeah we are getting rid of the internet but not for another week or two so im ok for the moment.

oh and yeah whilst browsing i noticed a post titled donna........ yeah just incase of confusion im assuming that post was about the other donna (whom i havent heard from in AGES actually) so donna? to let you know i did notice your absence and hope you are doing as ok as poss. take care

anyways better go, just wanted to post and say hello cuz i do miss you guys and now im getting rid of the net.....well yeah. cyas, hope all ok xxx

Re: hiya
Posted by She on Thu Jun 20 16:31:40 2002 (#4244)

hiya i missed you.
Love you
she

Re: hiya
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu Jun 20 16:35:27 2002 (#4246)

LOVE YOU TOO

HUG (((((SHE))))) xxx

Re: hiya
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 20 18:48:11 2002 (#4249)

Hi Donna
I LOVE YOU
Hope you come by more often, you know the board aint the same without you!
Ella x

Re: hiya
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jun 20 21:01:57 2002 (#4250)

I guess I'm not as close to all of you but I just wanted to say something...Hi.
~Lone~

Re: hiya
Posted by Jade on Fri Jun 21 23:14:35 2002 (#4265)

Hey, I'm glad to see you back, take care of yourself, Jade

Re: hiya
Posted by Jade on Fri Jun 21 23:14:49 2002 (#4266)

Hey, I'm glad to see you back, take care of yourself, Jade

Re: hiya
Posted by Nicke on Sun Jun 23 16:52:12 2002 (#4302)

Well hello there.

Glad to see you back...I haven't been on for a few days so only just read your messages...

What is this I hear about you getting rid of the internet...You will still be able to access it at school or something???

I will email you l8r incase you don't read this post in time...

Nicke