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Threads 901 to 925

Contemplating (triggering)
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 20 18:46:43 2002 (#4248)

Hi
Sometimes I wonder if I REALLY want freedom.
Sometimes I wonder if I REALLY want to deal with everything.
What is so wrong with letting it build up then cutting?
It solves the problem in the short term and I can't see my future beyond that.
Therapists tell me I need to break the cycle but am I ready? I am not sure.
When you are so used to having pain you can't seem to function with out it.
What would replace the massive expance that pain now fills?
Is it worth risking happiness? At least when your down you have nothing to lose.
To have it and lose it is far worse...
mmm, what do you think? Am I just being cynical?
Ella x

Re: Contemplating (triggering)
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jun 20 21:04:35 2002 (#4251)

Having it then Loosing it does hurt far worse...I'm not shure...but I don't think you are being to Cinical.

Re: Contemplating (triggering)
Posted by Jules on Fri Jun 21 11:29:32 2002 (#4259)

i totally understand where you are coming from, i mean i always cut my arms, they all say that i should find an alternative, i know i need help, but do i really want to give it up. i did give it up, but couldnt survive without it so i started again & havent stopped. i havent yet found anything that can that release as to that of cutting my arms. i know its not good, but hey like you say, i have nothing to loose.you can be happy, but what happens when shit happens & the pain is unbearable, then happiness disapears. i totally agree, i think i dont want to stop doing it, dont think anything could ever replace it.

Re: Contemplating (triggering)
Posted by Jade on Sat Jun 22 05:58:44 2002 (#4274)

I think that if you try breaking a cycle, or giving up a habit like cutting before you are ready then you will just replace it with other harmful things (i.e. ana or drugs)and go into denial, you need to do things at you own pace, but also remember that eventually you will need to do them. Recovery, no matter what it is from is a long process and the longer that you wait, the deeper that you get, the harder that it will be to get out. I understand about when you're down you have nothing to lose, I deal horribly with dissapointment, and if I think that things might be getting better, or if I just feel alright at the time, and then something happens, even if it's little, it's like everythings crashing down. But I'm realizing that if you rememer that there are going to be ups and downs and that when you're up, there will be things to deal with, but to enjoy yourself, and when you down, that maybe it's not actually the end of the world. When something would happen and everything seemed to crumble, I wouldn't even want to be okay, it wasn't an option, so I wasn't even going to try. Today, I'm in the middle, so I can be objective, when everything is desperate, my advice would be to lay low and more then anything Breathe. No matter what, if you try and break the cycle or keep on with what you're doing now, remember that what you're feeling now, isn't alwsys what you're going to be feeling. Take care, Jade

Re: Contemplating (triggering)
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 22 11:05:42 2002 (#4277)

Hi
Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I know at one time I will have to stop but to give it up when I still need it so badly and have no other alternative would be cruel to myself and would only lead to other darker addictions.
Ella x

Re: Contemplating (triggering)
Posted by Nicke on Sun Jun 23 16:59:29 2002 (#4303)

I have said that myself so many times before and totally understand where you are coming from...I used to think that for me to be happy I would only fall again and I would rather just stay down...it would save the hassle.

The thing you have to appreciate is that being happy can be just as filling as being sad...it will take time but eventually things won't hurt as much and little things will make you smile, (I am not making any sense but I just wanna say that sometimes it can feel good to be happy, you just have to let yourself feel that. I used to feel guilty about being happy...now I just let myself and 'go with it'.

Sorry, I went to reply to this post with positive things to say, all I ended up doing was sound really confused...what I a trying to say to you is that I understand how you feel, and sometimes happy can feel really good, and isn't so scary...so jump in and take that risk, cos we will all be here with you...

Nicke. email me if you need.

Putting this up here
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jun 20 21:18:41 2002 (#4253)

In Response To: Re: Oh yeah forgot to mention who the hell I am... (Deepfreeze)

Non the less I still havn't seen you in almost TWO years!! Besides, there is alot I can do in only an hour.

Found it
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri Jun 21 00:51:29 2002 (#4254)

I've finally found the discussion board again. For a while I've been logging on to the website and it had changed. What a relief to find everyone again. I've broken the cycle and started cutting again. I feel ashamed but relieved at the same time. I am just so confused.Any advice is welcome.

Re: Found it
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jun 23 00:18:57 2002 (#4290)

Well welcome back...i don't have any words right now. I"m hot and i'm sick.
Peace~Wolf

Re: Found it
Posted by Nicke on Sun Jun 23 17:07:24 2002 (#4304)

Glad you found us again...words of advice?? really all i can say is that if you really want to stop then firstly, replace your SI with something else otherwise you will miss it more...you have to have another way of coping...

If you are not quite ready to stop then stay safe...take care of your wounds, keep them clean stuff like that, also try not to cut unless you really have to, when things get so bad nothing else will do...sort of lessens the dependancy, well in my experience it does...not scientific at all!! LOL!!!

The other piece of advice I have for you is just to remember that you are not alone, that we on the board are here for you...

Nicke.

Re: Found it
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Jun 23 22:42:10 2002 (#4316)

Hi, I just got back and am probably to late to
answer these posts but I will anyway. Please don't
feel too bad about cutting again. It happens for
a reason, then you just trying to stop again.
Since I obviously don't know the feelings involved
in cutting, I just want you to stay safe and keep
the cuts clean and dry. I'm always here if you
want to email me and talk. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

sum poems i wrote(not 2 good but wot the hell)
Posted by sarah on Fri Jun 21 01:38:14 2002 (#4255)

4 the one i love will not let us b
4 it was me that hurt and caused pain
4 it was me who turned him against me
4 i wish i had his love once more
4 this breaks my heart
4 all this love hurts,pains me in the heart and soul
4 it will never be whole
4 u ripped and tore it beyond recignition
4 all this i am to blame
4 it was me who caused all this pain
4 it was me who drained this love and executed us!

screamin as i felt every unwanted touch
your body rubbing mine
nothin could be so sick as ur mind!

the pain was unbearable
never had i felt so much abuse pounded on my body
thud was all that could be heard as u inflicted this pain
never could i scream for the more damage you would cause to this soul

i gave it all 2 u and all u did was take it.not even a thank you.now i want it all bak but u wont let it be.4 ever u shall keep me.

these scars that map out my pain only turn more people away
when will i find the meaning of live
when will i truely find out what its like
or is this it?
this nightmare i am living
is it just reality?
a fucked up dream it may seem
but the truth is always there
behind the scars of my pain.

was i born just to be used?
to be the one every one ran to when there last love failed.
NO! i will not be ne more
not pushed into silence 4 you 2 use my body
2 make you feel better,
what about me?
but u never cared and never will.
does it not matter that i dont want to
doesnt it matter that i hate it
no! not in your mind.

proud never can i be of what i hate
but proud of the hate meant love

well done if u got this far.i no its mainly shit but i just felt like posting sum.i read everyones else's and think wow!! not some of my best but its all i could find! sorry 4 borin u all.hope your all okay coz i love u all even though i dont no u that well.i read the posts everyday.i aint exactly had a great week deciced to take sum pills(paracetmol) and cough medicine.well that fucked me up but hey im fine now.sorry just needed to tell sum1 but instead told everyone on the net to view but wot the fuck i feel better now.

hugs and love
sarah xx

Re: sum poems i wrote(not 2 good but wot the hell)
Posted by Jade on Sat Jun 22 06:03:49 2002 (#4275)

hey, I really liked the 'these scars that map out my pain will only turn more people away' That gets to me sometimes. Post poems anytime, hee hee, we love you too. Jade

borderline
Posted by erica on Fri Jun 21 04:22:03 2002 (#4256)

Hi all,
I just found out today that they have diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. I'm pretty confused as to what that means. I mean I've read about it, but what does it mean for my life? Will my life ever be normal. Aurgh... I just don't get it.

erica

Re: borderline
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jun 21 07:20:27 2002 (#4258)

I too am diagnosed BPD. Don't worry too much about it. It is an illness just like my diabetes, arthritis, and fibermyalga. I diagnosed myself, then discoverd someone had already done so in my chart.

There is a book titles "Life At The Border" and on the cover of the book there are words that run around the border. Like; feeling empty, feeling numb, alcohol and drug problems, risk takers, depression, ( and for some reason I forget the rest...oh yes, poor memory).
It boils down to like going to the doctor and saying my knee hurts, they take x-rays, MRI, Ultrasound, and the diagnosis is made of a torn tendon and the doctors knows wht he is treating.

It is so much better when they know what is wrong. Unfortunately I also have the diagnosis of chonic clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder. Some of the sypmtoms overlap and sometimes they all go on their work of making it hard to cope with life at the same time.

Sometime I feel crappy and I know it is depression and I don't feel like going anywhere or watching even my favorite shows. By understanding BPD is like diabetes (which are both a medical problem) I can acknowledge what it is and know how to take care of myself by minimising the stress in my life, relaxing and working on staying calm and quiet. But best of all it takes a lot of the guesswork out of my life. Now you know what is going on in your body and mind and like a cold you can treat the symptoms in better ways than using a blade to harm your body. Your body and mind are not your enemy so be good to yourself. Get information on it and dn't panic, or remember if you do panic stay calm. read a book with no violence or anger in it and the same with movies and just tell yourself this is my BPD and I'm going to be ok, I just need to stay call and wait it out.
hope that helped

Re: borderline
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sat Jun 22 01:27:58 2002 (#4268)

I have also been diagnosed with this and am completely confused by it. My therapist says that it can't be cured but there are ways to make the symptoms lesson. If I find any more info on it I'll e-mail you. Sorry I could'nt be too much help.

Re: borderline
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 22 11:18:22 2002 (#4281)

Hi
I hate it when they diagnose things then tell you nothing about it. I dont have BPD but I have a load of anxiety and personality disorders as well as chronic major depression and some other mood disorder which she doesnt talk about much as it can't be cured. So sorry I cant help but I know how you feel.
Ella x

places to cut
Posted by Katelyn on Fri Jun 21 05:32:03 2002 (#4257)

HEllo.. use to post on the old board for a long time then my link never worked and now i finally came to see what was worng and theres a new board.
well i use to cut on my forearms but then it was always wearing short sleeves so i cut my upper arms but now that summers here i wear sleeveless things, the thing is that my forearms were the most satisfactory place to cut and now finally to my question. what places on the body are most likely to give the most satusfactory outcome or feelings like my foreamrs. is anyone in/have been in the same situation? gotta go so bye bye thanks

Re: places to cut
Posted by Green Egg Sam on Fri Jun 21 18:18:36 2002 (#4260)

Summer's definitely the hardest time to conceal SI. I've cut almost every part of my body, and there's really no way to avoid being noticed by at least one or two people. I used to cut on my belly a lot, but then I had to wear one-piece bathing suits, and my mom knew something was up. Arms and legs are pretty much out of the question. The only place that goes unnoticed by anyone but my boyfriend is my chest, but I'm quickly running out of skin. I'm not encouraging you to do the same or anything, but I know what it's like to have an urge that you can't push out of your mind. My best advice is to try to stay safe for as long as you can - make it a little game, like how long can I go? Now that I've bored you to death, I'll be shutting up.

Sam

Re: places to cut
Posted by ~~~ on Fri Jun 21 21:08:06 2002 (#4261)

I always liked cutting my arms the most, i can't anymore though it's too hard to hide. I always want to cut my arms though because nowhere else feels quite the same, it's really annoying!
For some reason i also think scars on my arms don't look quite as ugly, maybe that's why i prefer to cut there...

Re: places to cut
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sat Jun 22 01:25:38 2002 (#4267)

I am going through the same thing right now. I've been trying so hard not to cut my arms because of the summer time. It is getting harder everyday though. So last week I did a tiny cut on my face and of course blamed it on something else. But you have to be careful with this because people notice this cut and if they know that you SI they will put 2 and 2 together.

Re: places to cut
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 22 11:15:13 2002 (#4280)

Hi
I used to cut my wrists, but then had to wear bangles to hide it and things all got a little messy when my mum saw it. Of course she's in denial now so i probably could cut my face and she'd ignore it. But I cut my upper legs, as I have never worn shorts and skirts short enough to reveal them it causes no suspicion. Doesnt feel quite as good as my wrists but it is pretty good.
Ella x

Re: places to cut
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jun 23 00:28:49 2002 (#4291)

I usually cut on my left wrist, but i tried my hip now, the very outside, now if you like blood spill, and heavy satisfaction, thats were you go. The chest, is also someplace odd to go, but it does give some satisifaction, and since I'm a virgin still...*grumbles*...no once notices. Also, scars on your hips, don't show to much. If you cut the right way, they can look like stretch marks. ....Just some advice.
Wolf

Re: places to cut
Posted by Vapor on Sun Jun 23 18:46:43 2002 (#4311)

omg, get over it. you have a body, which part never sees daylight? cut there. i havent been out of long pants and long sleeves in years. im the girl who wears sweatshirts to the beach in the summer.
Later, Vapor

Re: places to cut
Posted by Jamie on Mon Jun 24 01:57:08 2002 (#4323)

hey i've got this problem too!! i'm guessing pretty much everyone on this website does...i've been lately cutting my chest cuz only my boyfriend sees that...even though all this is hurting him the most...that sucks...also smaller cuts on your lower legs aren't so bad if you just say you cut yourself shaving accidently....or way up on your thighs if you wear shorts w/ a swimsuit

Eleanor
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sat Jun 22 01:29:04 2002 (#4269)

I haven't seen your name up here much and I haven't been around much but I was just wondering how you were doing.

Re: Eleanor
Posted by Jade on Sat Jun 22 05:22:17 2002 (#4272)

I just wanted to add in and say hey. Last time I saw your name on a post I think was way back before I left (I was gone from the board for a good month or so at least, maybe two) and everything was hectic here then, everyone was fighting and you had just gotten singled out from an un named poster, and when I came back you were gone, I was afraid that you had left because of all of that and felt badly that all that negative bs that didn't matter had made such an effect. I'm glad to see you back and hope that you stick around, I'm just getting settled in again, and it'll be great having someone else that I remember the posts of from before around, it's really changed, but not for the better or the worst, it's just evolving is all. Take care, Jade

Re: Eleanor
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 22 11:10:48 2002 (#4279)

Hi Eleanor ad well!
Do you want Eleanors email address? I'm sure you can find it on the board but here it is anyway; eleanor_magik@hotmai l.com, I email her and she's still alive I asure you!
Ella x

hey!
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sat Jun 22 15:40:59 2002 (#4283)

Yeah, I had to take a break from it all and try to put some things back together. I've been trying to get on here as much as possible but it all feels a little weird.

Am I the only guy?
Posted by Rather Not Say on Sat Jun 22 04:45:11 2002 (#4270)

Ive been looking around on this board and noticed there arent many(if any at all) guys posting. I know SI is more female oriented.... I guess i just feel kinda weird being the only guy on the board. sorry i didnt have n-e-thing important...

Re: Am I the only guy?
Posted by Jade on Sat Jun 22 05:14:16 2002 (#4271)

Well, I'm a girl, but I've noticed some guys, it's harder to tell who the guys are sometimes because their names don't always give it away, when girl's names do (like girls more commonly use their real names). Regardless I have to say that you probably are out numbered, sorry, but we love you nontheless :) and there is still a fairly large male pop. use SI out there. Hope that you don't mind if you are that out numbered, Jade

No!
Posted by Cade on Sat Jun 22 05:52:50 2002 (#4273)

I only lurk...never post. But I'm a guy.

Re: No!
Posted by Jade on Sat Jun 22 08:26:49 2002 (#4276)

Hey Cade,
I did that for a long time, still never post, but never post. You ought to particpate more, how long have you been around? Take care, Jade

Re: No!
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 22 11:08:22 2002 (#4278)

Hi
I'm a girl (I do think the name gives it away a little!) but there are a couple of boys on the board I think. Well, welcome anyway, ae there any other boys on this board?
Ella x

Re: No!
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 22 16:06:27 2002 (#4284)

I have seen a few males around

KAT

Re: No!
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jun 23 00:35:56 2002 (#4292)

Vapor and DeepFreeze are males.
But why should that matteR? We all feel the same...in most ways. And if one of us is lucky enough to find a mate that knows how one feels...then it's all better. THey can help each other. I can only dream of someone who would clean and bandage my wounds...after a cutting feasco...or I would do the same...hold him close and comfort him when he needs it...*Sighs* Ok now I'm rambling.
WOlf

Re: No!
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 23 17:40:15 2002 (#4309)

Hi there I agree..I don't think anyone was saying it really mattered, just curious. you know?
I thought Vapor was a female, sorry Vapor.

anyway..true I wish anyone would be there for me, young old, male female, whatever...all I have many times is my cat and shes no help .

KAT

Re: No!
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jun 23 21:32:36 2002 (#4313)

OOPS! I guess I was totaly wrong. Vapor is a girl. *SMacks self* I'm so lame half the time. Sorry.

Re: No!
Posted by Cade on Sun Jun 23 06:42:58 2002 (#4300)

quite a while...a year or so. was around to lurk on the other board too. take care.

Boredom
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jun 22 11:21:47 2002 (#4282)

Hi
the one thing I have always prized in myself is that I never get bored. Even when I do nothing I am not bored. But now I feel like a caged animal and the boredom seeps into every aspect of my life. I get so bored that last night I almost ODd just for the hell of it to stop the boredom. Ahhh, this can't be healthy...
Ella x

Re: Boredom
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jun 23 00:38:27 2002 (#4293)

Oh Ella, Keep yourself bussy. Please...be carefull.

Re: Boredom
Posted by Nicke on Sun Jun 23 17:11:48 2002 (#4305)

Lone is right...keep yourself busy

Write some more of that fab poetry that you do...do anything as long as you keep busy...watch crappy soap operas on telly...

Speaking of telly, the next programme of 'inside my head' is on tonight. I will be watching.

If you don't read this til 2morro, then did you watch it, what did you think???

Nicke

Re: Boredom
Posted by Jade on Sun Jun 23 20:03:13 2002 (#4312)

Alright, I've heard about this show from you guys several times now, but never in detail. What is it exactly? What channel at what time/day (time zone important here) And in England or the US, that may make me miss out. I'd appreciate any info. since you seem to support it so. Thanks, Jade

Jade
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 24 13:26:16 2002 (#4326)

It is a programme that looks at teenagers living with mental health issues.

It is on in England on Channel 4 at around 8pm on Sundays.

It is a 3 part documentary and there is just 1 programme left...but you don't have to have watched the first 2 to understand them.

So tune in on Sunday if you can.

Nicke

Inside My Head
Posted by Broken Girl on Mon Jun 24 21:04:35 2002 (#4336)

I watched it.
It was like watching myself for an hour.
Scary.
What did you think?
Ella x

I'm back from vacation!!!
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jun 22 20:29:32 2002 (#4285)

Just wanted to let all of you know that I'm back
from Colorado. It may take me a while to read all
the posts, but I will read them and respond to
them. We had a good time except my youngest,
Tasha, had another seizure. It could have been
because of the higher altitude. She has an
appointment with the nerogolist(?) next week. Other than that, it was a good time. I'll be
talking to ya'll later. Love ya all.
Rhonda

Re: I'm back from vacation!!!
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sat Jun 22 21:34:35 2002 (#4286)

I hope you had a good time on your vacation. Sorry to hear about your daughter.

Re: I'm back from vacation!!!
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 22 23:03:40 2002 (#4288)

Hi Rhonda, Im glad you had a good time and made it back safely.
Hopefully your daughter will be able to be helped with the seizures.
take care
I e-mailed you.

love
KAT

Re: I'm back from vacation!!!
Posted by ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs ¸¸.·*¨°·.¸ on Sun Jun 23 01:32:03 2002 (#4298)

Hi Rhonda,
its good to see you back, I havent posted here in ages, but I sent you a mail today not realising that you were away, hope you are well..
Love Roses and Empathy
CrïM§øÑ*TëÅrs

Re: I'm back from vacation!!!
Posted by Nicke on Sun Jun 23 17:13:10 2002 (#4306)

Glad you are back, hope you had a good time...

I am sorry to hear about your daughter...hope everything goes well with the neurologist, I willl be thinking about her.

Nicke

*shaking*
Posted by stranger in the night on Sat Jun 22 21:53:33 2002 (#4287)

i know i shouldnt probably post here because ive not exactly been posting a lot, therefore not replying to peoples posts.....but i am so desperate. im not doing good AT all. im scared guys, please is anyone there...? oh im sorry, ive never got like this before, well not as bad as this anyway. its just, this RIGHT NOW isnt the best time to be feeling so alone, *sighs*

Re: *shaking*
Posted by KAT on Sat Jun 22 23:06:02 2002 (#4289)

Just because you haven't replyed to many posts lately doesn't mean you can't ask forhelp hun! Trust me it's okay.

I'm sorry your going through such a tough time, they say that those reallllly low points last maybe a few minutes up to 30 minutes so keep yourself content and calm the best you can and hopfully you can get over whats going on inside.

Of course your not going to completely be better, but times get real depressing, so much so that panic attacks and stuff along those lines can come and go.
take care
Im here if you want to talk
love
KAT

Re: *shaking*
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jun 23 00:42:09 2002 (#4294)

Your always welcome...no matter if you hardly ever show up. We're still here. I know how you feel though, I feel like that so many times in a week. ALone...scared...afraid....fee ling like everything is going to go wrong in seconds to come....Your not alone
WOolf

Re: *shaking*
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sun Jun 23 01:23:20 2002 (#4297)

I'm hardly ever on here anymore either but don't let that discourage you. That is what this place is for to post when your at a low point.

Re: *shaking*
Posted by Nicke on Sun Jun 23 17:16:14 2002 (#4307)

Don't ever think that you have to reply to posts to feel like you can post here. If people didn't post we would have nothing to reply to....

I am sorry that you are feeling bad...just hang on in there hunny, and feel free to email me.

Nicke

Re: *shaking*
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Jun 23 22:34:33 2002 (#4314)

I'm here honey, anything I can do to help you out?
Sorry to hear you're not doing good. Maybe it will
get better later on. Email me if you want to
talk. Take care of yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Am I....
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jun 23 00:45:33 2002 (#4295)

I feel so young suddenly. So many of you have already...had relations. Had children for gods sake. *Sighs* but I guess thats just me. THe doctors say I'm young for everything I've had. TO young...well screw them. Guess what those lessons have done to me? I'm wise in mind and open in heart, despite all my weaknesses. I may only be 16, but that doesnt mean i'm some dim witted teenager who has mental and health issues thats going crazy! I'm a mature young adult who is just feeling alone...

Re: Am I....
Posted by liverpoolfc on Sun Jun 23 01:21:46 2002 (#4296)

I felt the same way when I was your age. I am 21 now but when I was 16 people thought I was nothing but a kid when in all reality I had been living on my own since I was 14 and had raised myself. I was and still am a mature adult. Next time somebody says something stupid like that to you just tell them what's on your mind.

Re: Am I....
Posted by Broken Girl on Sun Jun 23 12:15:23 2002 (#4301)

Hi
I have the opposit problem, I'm treated like I'm old! I'm fourteen but I'm playing mummy to my brother and sister and looking after mum when she gets drunk. *sigh*
Hope things get better for you
Ella x

Re: Am I....
Posted by Nicke on Sun Jun 23 17:18:46 2002 (#4308)

Know what you mean.

I am 18, feel like I am about 27, Got more life experience than a 67 year old and probably look like I am 67 as well.

The thing that gets me is that I have a hell of a lot of life experience but what everything comes down to is your date of birth... just rambling, disregard that...

Nicke

Re: Am I....
Posted by KAT on Sun Jun 23 17:43:48 2002 (#4310)

I'm only 17 years old. And sad thing is no one's ever to young to hurt like someone who's been living many more years then them.
The expereicnes might be different but there's no rules or regulations on depression and sadness.

A lot of the youngest people here I think are very mature, and way past their times in their mind.
*hugs*
KAT

Re: Am I....
Posted by Jamie on Mon Jun 24 00:47:29 2002 (#4321)

hey...i'm 14 and i feel like i'm in my 20's...with my "family" i get treated like a 10 year old, but i know how you all feel. you just have to have faith in the fact that you know who and how you really are...other people might shit on you for your maturity...but out of fucked up situations comes strength...(hopefully)...just stay true to yourself...small minded people...fuck them, theyre the unfortunate ones.

f*cked up *NM*
Posted by Vapor on Sun Jun 23 03:56:07 2002 (#4299)

Re: f*cked up
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jun 23 22:38:27 2002 (#4315)

Silly ass

bored
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jun 23 22:52:15 2002 (#4317)

i'm bored....jist thought i'de babble....hello....
God! I have my first Yeast Infection...*BLAH!* I'm never ever ever doing that agian!!! *Sighs*
Any comments...? I'm clueless.

Re: bored
Posted by Rhonda on Mon Jun 24 00:07:02 2002 (#4319)

Oh God, I used to get those years ago, but not in
a while now. Isn't it funny what people will talk
about while you're bored?!!!! How are you doing?
Hope you're okay. Take care of yourself.
LOve, Rhonda

Re: bored
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 24 13:39:13 2002 (#4330)

Don't know what to say except 'what is a yeast infection'????

Nicke

Re: bored
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Mon Jun 24 23:51:09 2002 (#4339)

IT"S A LIVING HELL OF A NIGHTMARE!!!!!

Re: bored
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Jun 25 01:26:53 2002 (#4342)

AMEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

I dont like it...
Posted by chelle on Sun Jun 23 23:26:12 2002 (#4318)

I dont like it..anything....I cant think straight
Im so tired.....just really tired.......

Re: I dont like it...
Posted by Rhonda on Mon Jun 24 00:08:50 2002 (#4320)

What don't you like honey? Are you okay? Can I
help in any way? Why don't you take a nap if you're tired. Sorry if this doesn't help much.
I'm still on "vacation jet lag". Take care of
yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: I dont like it...
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 24 13:38:21 2002 (#4329)

I really don't know what to say except that I am here for you as much as you need me...email me if you think you can...

stay strong, Nicke

Re: I dont like it...
Posted by Green Egg Sam on Mon Jun 24 18:20:58 2002 (#4332)

I'm not a shrink or anything, but you sound like you're pretty depressed. I know how you feel, kind of like everything sucks and nothing is worth the time of day. Hang in there. Rest up, it might help you feel better. E-mail me if you want to talk - really.

Love always,
Sam

i need help
Posted by Jamie on Mon Jun 24 01:47:49 2002 (#4322)

so....heres my situation...i've been cutting since about....september or october this year and i've talked to friends...they all know that i do it and theyre being really great and supportive but i just can't stop...it's become this habit, like routine and i do it every night...i know it's not good for me, and i'm scarring and it's getting dangerous because a lot of people are starting to notice my cuts and question me...i'm running out of lies to tell people as to how i got them....my dad now sort of knows but all he said was "lets keep this between you and me" i'm too scared and detached from him and the rest of the family to say I WANT HELP but i don't think i would get it...he doesnt want my mom to know because theyre in the middle of a divorce and she'll manipulate it into something he did...resulting in he'd end up in jail for some fucked up reason and i wouldn't get to live with him any more. i've gotten really desperate for any help so i decided to let my boyfriend tell his parents because they've dealt with two suicidal/SI sons ( i couldnt tell them myself i was too scared) i guess theyre contemplating calling my dad and talking to him but the whole subject has sort of faded out of my boyfriend's parents' minds and i don't think they'll call my dad...plus if they do he's gonna get mad at me cuz i was supposed to ""keep it between the two of us" FUCKING SHIT I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO I CAN'T STOP CUTTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: i need help
Posted by kae on Mon Jun 24 12:18:37 2002 (#4324)

hey girl...
I know where you're at...I've been there. I've self-injured habitually for two years now, and I'm only just getting help. For those two years, I've felt terrible loneliness and misery because I didn't get the help I needed. Its a very dark world to be in, especially when you've got no one to talk to. I'm luckier now, I have friends to talk to about how I'm feeling and a counsellor. And I'm doing better. But its not something you can do by yourself...you HAVE to get help.
Is there a counsellor at your school? I definitely reccommend you see one. Don't put it off any longer - you need to talk to someone professional about this. What you're going through isn't a plain old teenage crisis and a counsellor will recognise that. But you have to make that first step!! Its vital - don't put it off any longer, okay??? PLEASE! Go see someone!

Let me know how you get on...
kae

Re: i need help
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 24 13:36:42 2002 (#4328)

Think about yourself for a minute.

You want help so don't let anything stand in the way of that...it is a very good step that you have said that you want help, and I am really pleased.

But seriously, concentrate on getting yourself better...looking at the reasons you SI, maybe talking to your doctor because if you suffer with depression then you may have to take some meds until you are better.

And don't think about what your dad may say...I am sure he would want you to get better...

The doctor can refer you to a counsellor or something if you need to talk to someone...

And in the meantime, keep visiting the board and let us know how you are getting on....

Keep smiling...Nicke

Re: i need help
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 24 20:25:05 2002 (#4334)

That is a really fucked up problem, I know I've been through it myself.

Your dad sounds like he cares a lot, but maybe he just doesnt know what else to do about it and maybe he thinks its a phase.
Well for one thing it sure is not a phase, as for stopping, god its so hard..but you can do it if you are ready and willing.
Im not sure you are though and thats okay.
Honestly the only way that made me stop is being shippedoff to hospital after hospital.
Im sorry your going through all this shit with your parents getting a divorce and all.
At least you have supportive friends and a boyfriend, god I couldnt imagine how that would have helped.
Keep talking about it, that helps..you know.
We're all here fr you.
KAT

Re: i need help
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Tue Jun 25 00:00:41 2002 (#4340)

You have your boyfriend for help...talk to him and ask him to help you get help. shoot i gtg. STupid school guidance counciler shit. bye

Re: i need help
Posted by Jamie on Mon Jul 1 21:51:48 2002 (#4539)

thank you all so much for your support...things began to get better...i've been seeing a psyc..but now theyre way worse and i have no desire to stop...i have such intense mood swings...just can't make up my mind...maybe going to a hospital for awhile will help, thanks again
hugs-jamie

things are changing...!
Posted by kae on Mon Jun 24 12:57:14 2002 (#4325)

Hey everyone
Its been a week since I last self-harmed. And I haven't felt the urge yet. In fact, I am feeling stronger about not doing it ever again. How about that??
There's something in me that is changing...seriously. I feel really different. I'm actually starting to hate my scars....summer is a few months away but its going to be a problem.
So many things have happened in the last few months to change my view of life. First, I got some kind of help - seeing a counsellor. She told my parents...that was a huge shock. It didn't stop the SI, but it changed my world a lot. Then I spent a weekend in Wellington with friends from a drama course...and suddenly I saw a little light up ahead. These people loved me for me, they treated me like one of them, and they showed me that there is a life outside of the one I have now. Being in the new city environment helped, too...the town I live in is suffocating...Wellington is incredible.
I've kept seeing the counsellor, and while she doesn't have a clue about SI at all, she seems to be trying. We've talked a lot about the different "voices" in my head - the voice of SI and the voice of me. Its an interesting concept and it helps me explain it to her.
Another thing was the painkiller overdose I took, ending in me passing out in class. I've never passed out in my life and it was a kind of weird satisfaction to know the extent of what I can do to myself. Now that I know it, I don't have to push it anymore. I'm satisified. I haven't told my counsellor, but I don't know if I need to. Its not something I intend on doing regularly.
Ball dress shopping with my mum...the humiliation and awkwardness of the situation when I had to try on a sleeveless dress was unbearable. I don't want these scars anymore. It led up to a terrible fight with my parents, where my mum was VERY blunt about my SI. They basically told me it was ruining our family (charming, huh?) which wasn't pleasant to hear, but it clearly showed how much strain my behaviour is putting on everyone. And I don't want that.

There are a few other reasons which are preventing me from self-harming. I won't go into every one of them though...I just want you all to know that I'm finally starting to realise that SI will ruin your life if you don't DO something about it. I'm finally seeing a life without SI. I couldn't see that before...and you guys could probably figure that out from my previous posts. I don't want do die anymore. I want to LIVE. I want to be the best I can be. I want to at least try...

Hear what I'm saying...you can feel this way too!

I probably won't come back here anymore...I've been here a year and I've met some great people...but its not helping me anymore. Its a trigger and I'm better off without it.

Love you guys...take care and look after yourselves! There IS a light ahead...

luv 'n hugz, kae

Re: things are changing...!
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 24 13:31:44 2002 (#4327)

I hope you don't leave before reading this....

I am sooooooo pleased that you have found the light, just by your post you have given inspiration and hope to others that things can get better...

I don't know what else to say except that I am soooooo proud of you, and that you should enjoy all the happiness you will have in your life because you deserve every minute of it hunny....

Email me every so often to let me know how things are going, that is if you don't mind!!!!

Nicke.

Re: things are changing...!
Posted by Green Egg Sam on Mon Jun 24 18:26:58 2002 (#4333)

WOW!!!

It's great to hear that SI isn't something you have to live with. I've heard a few people tell me their stories of SI before, but it was never anyone I could relate to.

I think it's awesome that you overcame your SI and I can only hope that I might be able to become that strong someday. The best of luck to you! YOu will be missed!

Sam

Re: things are changing...!
Posted by KAT on Mon Jun 24 20:31:03 2002 (#4335)

That s really great Kae.
seriously I think you are a very special person and I know Ive told you that before.

Im so happy for you, and you are definently right there is a light out there somewhere, finding it is the hard part, but once you've found it it gets a lot easier from there.

I understand about the board being a trigger, I think in many ways it definently is.
Feel free to stop back if you ever need anything or want to say Hi, I'd love to hear from you again
I wish you all the luck in the world
*hugs*
love
KAT

Re: things are changing...!
Posted by *me* on Mon Jun 24 21:55:31 2002 (#4337)

Kae, I'm soooo happy for you!!!!! We'll miss you on the board, but it's good that you're doing so much better! Congratulations, keep up the good work! Lots of love, take care and stay safe! All my luck to you for your future!!!

Re: things are changing...!
Posted by Chrysti on Tue Jun 25 04:25:27 2002 (#4343)

That is nice that can start living your life without the silence that comes with mutilation. What triggered your recovery? I am new to this page but I am an old friend of SI. I find it comforting and at times the cuts seem beautiful. It is hard to imagine my life without this escape though I have lived without it before. Just some thoughts... sorry to bother. Bye.

Re: things are changing...!
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Tue Jun 25 04:43:24 2002 (#4344)

Congrads

Rhonda
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jun 24 13:39:58 2002 (#4331)

How did it go with the neurologist???

Is everything okay???

Nicke

Re: Rhonda
Posted by Rhonda on Tue Jun 25 01:25:38 2002 (#4341)

Hey, thanks for asking about Tasha. She goes on
Friday this week. I'll let you know then. For now,
he just upped her medication. You are so sweet for
asking about Tasha when it has nothing to do with
SI. I really do appreicate that you care. I'll
keep you posted. Take care of yourself.
LOve, Rhonda

Re: Rhonda
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Tue Jun 25 04:44:45 2002 (#4345)

Good luck to her on Friday.

Re: Rhonda
Posted by moi on Thu Jun 27 10:56:31 2002 (#4392)

HIya
I hope your vacation was really really really really good and i pray everything goes ok on friday .
Love you for ever and ever
S~berry

grrrrr
Posted by ...grrrr... on Mon Jun 24 22:28:53 2002 (#4338)

why must everything fail to happen? false fucking hopes.i may as well walk around with 'boring, dull, phsycotic, no hoper' written all over me.
wish i was dead.

Re: grrrrr
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Tue Jun 25 04:49:16 2002 (#4346)

*CHuckles* Welcome to my world. I know exactly how you feel. The evil madness of hope...hope seems to drive us on...hope and luck and wishes and all that other junk. And most of the time it is agianst our favor, yet we hope and wish non the less. There are no consoling words I can offer you, I'm sorry for that. Just know I guess, that your not alone, even though that is no comfort. And hard to see and realize...*sighs*
Some day, HOpe will play in your favor. And it will hopefully...Odd word to use...bring you some kind of peace in that moment.
~Lone~

Re: grrrrr
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jun 25 11:53:58 2002 (#4347)

I am sooooo sorry you are feeling like this...if there is anything I can do to help let me know.

You can email me if you want.

Nicke

I am SOOOO Stupid
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jun 25 12:00:55 2002 (#4348)

I got suspended from college the other day.

I kicked off at a teacher and totally flew off the handle...I am going to go to anger management because it really freaked me out not being in control.

I had a couple of days off because things were really falling apart for me, I came back in today and they have said that the days I had off were to count as an official suspension.

I am just so frustrated, I don't know how I feel all the time...I wish I wasn't on these meds because I can't FEEL anymore...somedays I think I am fine, then I just get REALLY low, my thoughts have chnaged to graphic, detailed images of death and harming, they torment me late at might.

I think there is something wrong with me and the problem is that whenever I go to the doctor I just play the 'get well game'.

FUCK I am sooo messed up and my feelings are contradictary....HELP ME!!

Nicke

Re: I am SOOOO Stupid
Posted by Sam on Tue Jun 25 16:18:25 2002 (#4352)

First off - you're NOT stupid! You just did what we all fantasize about doing. If what you did expressed how you felt, don't worry about it anymore.

If the meds are dulling your emotions, the only suggestion I can give is to open up to your doc and be honest. If you're not feeling right, something needs to change, and (this is generic) you're the only one who can make that happen.

Hope you feel better soon.

Sam

Re: I am SOOOO Stupid
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 25 17:24:24 2002 (#4353)

Nicke, Im going through the same thing.
I am like a complete different person and I can't get myself out of that low depressing or rageful moods until they are done.

yet the docs think Im doing great.
god it's soo hard

Im sorry about wht happened at College, at least it was just a suspension but I know thats got to be hard.
Dont blame yourself too much try and figure out whats goin on.
I'll e-mail you
love
KAT

Re: I am SOOOO Stupid
Posted by *Poison on Tue Jun 25 23:10:05 2002 (#4356)

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT U MEAN, not to the extent that you do obviously but i can relate, and with ur post you just solved a big problem i was havign so thank you!!!! and i big u good health

Amanda

Re: I am SOOOO Stupid
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 26 01:36:01 2002 (#4360)

First things first, you are not stupid!!!! Please
don't ever think that. Second, maybe taking the
anger management classes will help you get hold
of your feelings. If you can control that, it
will be easier. I haven't ever been to college, but I wouldn't worry to much about the suspension.
That would give you time to settle down. Please if
you ever want to talk, just email me. Take care of
yourself.
Love, Rhonda

Re: I am SOOOO Stupid
Posted by Vapor on Wed Jun 26 04:01:25 2002 (#4369)

i hate being out of control of myself but i hate being out of control with meds that make you in control. it seems like there is no middle ground. i dunno...
Later, Vapor

Inside my head!
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jun 25 12:07:47 2002 (#4349)

Broken Girl,

Yeah I watched it...which one did you think you were more like...Carina or Emma.

I have been like Emma, you know seriously withdrawn, apathetic and anti-social. I don't hear voices though...only my thoughts screaming REAL loud, constantly...

I thought it was really sad that girl like Carina would do something as serious as taking a heroin overdose to kill herself, and at the tender age of 14!!!

Anyway gtg, back in college...

Nicke

Re: Inside my head!
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jun 27 13:25:54 2002 (#4409)

Hi
Sorry this is a bit late.
Me? Emma. definatly. I hear voices sometimes... how bad does that sound?!
Ella x

Re: Inside my head!
Posted by laura on Sat Jun 29 23:17:00 2002 (#4482)

i watched that too. god i felt i could relate sooo much, y the fuck am i not in there? and erm...thank god im not, bless u all, love LaUrA xxx

Coming Clean
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jun 25 12:50:28 2002 (#4350)

I have decided to come clean about what my problem is...

First of all, my twin died when we were young, most of you will be aware of that.

Next, my mum and dad got divorced, that was good because he would constantly beat her and me and my brothers and sisters.

We moved to London, I was feeling rejected by my dad because he didn't want to see us anymore...my mum had a new boyfriend and was busy with him (and another man, but we didn't know until later). I made a friend, David Gregory, red hair, freckles and 4 years older than me. He was 11, as you probably guessed I was 7.

I liked David, he was the only one who payed any attention to me. One thing I didn't like about hin was the games he liked to play. I thought I would put up with it because otherwise I wouldn't have any friends at all.

We stopped playing with each other and I never told anyone about those games, until oneday when my, then step-dad, caught me and my older sister saying rude words like F*****G. He wanted to know how we knew these words, and that was when I told him about David.

I saw how he reacted and knew that I had done a bad thing...I musn't tell...I had to sit in a room while they videotaped us, me and two women, who showed me 'anatomically correct' dolls and asked me things like...'where did he touch you' I never told...

My mum used to heat me because I didn't tell them, which made me more scared of talking.

I decided I would lie to shut them up...stop them asking me all sorts of questions...so I told them that it only happened the one time.

He got a court order to stay away from me, and my mum used this abuse to get us a move to St. Helens quicker.

My mum had an affair while all this was going on and ended up pregnant with this mans baby, it was a bit hard to explain because she is mixed race...but gorgeous all the same.

We moved and I forgot about all the abuse, well sort of, until last year...I learned that it wasn't my fault and all that shit they tell you in counselling. The problem was that I let her believe it was a grown man who abused me...

So the thing that haunts me know is that it was a boy who abused me...this is differnet to a man...it can't be abuse if it was a child, it just can't be...

Also, what if he turns out to be a paedophile and I had the chance to stop him but didn't...my one lie could haunt me for the rest of my life.

As well as all that, I wa homeless at 16 because my mum continued to beat me, so i moved out.

My brother was found to have been 'interfering', abusing my sister...How the hell am I supposed to feel toward my brother now???

Thanx if you got this far...just thought it was time to share...you don't have to reply, just felt a bit better to get things out. I have had problems talking to people about my problems because I physically can't speak, in that I put barriers up when asked to talk about my probelms, so by allowing me to share it has helped...

Nicke...

Re: Coming Clean
Posted by stranger in the night on Tue Jun 25 14:34:03 2002 (#4351)

i felt as though i had to reply to this post....

firstly i want to let you know how sorry i am that you have had to go through so much in your life so far ((HUGS TO YOU))

i hope that you feel a little better for sharing that with everyone here..so brave of you!

ill email you in more detail in a minute because i dont really feel comfortable with saying what i want to say like in front of everyone on the board so...but yeah ((HUGS))

take care, emailing you now xxx

Re: Coming Clean
Posted by KAT on Tue Jun 25 17:30:11 2002 (#4354)

Nicke, you're brave for even telling us, I mean you've really opened yourself up.
I bet it feels good to get all that out, but I can't even imagine the pain that you have indured through all of that ..excuse me, fucked up shit.

I can relate to your parents beating you and not wanting to tell the woman about the encounters with that boy.
Although when I was being asked I never thought that any of that stuff was a problem, but how can a small child comprehend what all that is about, you know?
anyways...Goddamngirl, you are strong...look at you now.
After all that, and it hasnt gotten you down to much, but The pain of going through such a tortured life has got to be weigheing down on you, it is..I think..dont know. sorry Im being stupid here
*hugs*
Im here, and you know where to reach me if you want to talk, or if not thats okay.
All my love
KAT

Re: Coming Clean
Posted by Vapor on Wed Jun 26 03:57:42 2002 (#4368)

hey, im glad you got that all out there, hard isnt it? its like some people have nothing go wrong in their lives and then some of us just get all the shit. fucking sucks man. all i can say is i know what you feel... im sorry you had to go through it and im glad you could share cause i think it will help you move on and just remember past is past... you cant change it. accept it and live for the moment. (easier said than done i know, theres not a single day that passes that i dont think about the past)
Later, Vapor

AW THANX!!
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jun 26 12:03:09 2002 (#4378)

Thanx guyes for, well I guess not rejecting me or laughing at me...that is what I was worried about...that once I tell my dark secret of lies and stupidity that everyone would hate me...

So, thanx.

Nicke.

BACK :)
Posted by *Poison on Tue Jun 25 22:42:40 2002 (#4355)

Helllo everyone this is amanda some of you may remember me i haven't posted here is sooooo long well...here's the update. i was cutting for awhile, ended up in the hospital twice, stopped cutting for almost 2 months then just recently picked it back up again I don't knwo wht to do with myself. i am utterly disgusted with every aspect of my body and my self.maybe it's just me, maybe i don't want to get better, and i'm just trying to make myself believe that i do.i used to know what my problems were, and i had a reason to cut myself, but lately things are going so good that i feel like an idiot every time i need to cut, and do cut myself. someone please respond back to me i need someone to talk to.

Re: BACK :)
Posted by Sam I Am on Wed Jun 26 00:52:11 2002 (#4357)

I know how you feel. I've had so many cutting "relapses" that it's become almost my permanent state. I hate that I don't understand myself and why I do the things I do, but I know it helps to vent. E-mail me if you need somebody to talk to.

Sam

Re: BACK :)
Posted by ~~~ / Butterfly on Wed Jun 26 00:59:26 2002 (#4359)

I remember you, you probably don't know me I don't post much. I'm drunk right now, so that explains why I'm posting... If you wanna talk e-mail me, I'm not sure I can help, but i'll try...

Re: BACK :)
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jun 26 01:38:37 2002 (#4361)

Hi Amanda,
I remember you. Sorry to hear you're feeling
bad. If you ever want to talk, I'm just a click
away. Take care of yourself.
LOve, Rhonda

Re: BACK :)
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 26 03:22:37 2002 (#4362)

Hi there
I'm not sure if you remember me or not, there have been several Amanda's on here.
I feel like you do sooooooo much, Im going through that exact same thing.
Cutting went to the hosp. stopped cutting
and now Im back into it and I hate myself so much that I just want to dissapear.
Welcome back none the less..
Im here to talk
I need to talk to..maybe we can help each other out.
KAT

Re: BACK :)
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jun 26 11:05:36 2002 (#4372)

I am sorry that you are feeling the need to cut again.

No matter what the reason for cutting, whether things are going good or not have to be addressed. I am sorry that you had to go to hospital but sometimes them places can really help.

I am sure KAT won't mind me saying that the time she spent in hospital did some good for her.

Anyway...keep posting and letting us know how you are feeling or what ways we can help.

Nicke

Re: BACK :)
Posted by *me* on Wed Jun 26 20:46:18 2002 (#4381)

Hey Amanda...I remember you. Welcome back, although I'm sorry that you're going through a tough time right now. Let me know if there's anything I can do. Lots of love, take care and stay safe!

my dad
Posted by Sam on Wed Jun 26 00:57:45 2002 (#4358)

Stupid me!

Today I wore shorts, since it's over 90 here (Chicago), and my dad came too take me o his house for some reason. (He's weird like that.)

On the way, he saw a big scar on my leg and asked, "Where'd that come from?" I was stunned. How could I have forgotten to cover up? I stuttered and said, "I don't know." He saw right through me and said, "You better knock that sh*t off," like that would help me get better.

I'm so pissed off at him for not keeping his mouth shut. He's known I've cut in the past, but we can't afford a shrink, so it's always been kind of hush-hush. How do I get him to realize that TELLING me to get better does NOTHING but make me more frustrated with myself and make me want to cut more?

GRRRRRR!!!! That felt good.

Sam

Re: my dad
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 26 03:24:40 2002 (#4363)

that fucking sucks that that happened.
I have forgot to cover upmy scars on my legs too and I freaked out when I noticed I was in the car with my mom..!
anyways..maybe tell your dad the next time he says something like that that it doesnt make it any better when he says things like that.
Or say something like Im trying, leave me alone.
I dont knowm Im sorry

hope things get better
KAT

Re: my dad
Posted by Vapor on Wed Jun 26 03:51:55 2002 (#4366)

maybe you can find a therapist through your insurance (if you have it) or through your school or social services... try to get yourself some help. parents are the worst they never understand. you just gotta lay real low till he forgets again so he doesnt bring it up. nothing in the world is worse than having my parents talk about my cutting. having them see a cut is worse then having them walk in on me having sex!
Later, Vapor

Re: my dad
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jun 26 11:10:44 2002 (#4373)

I think parents come from another planet when it comes to descretion..they call it parental instincts, but it is really because they are form pluto or somewhere. EXCEPT RHONDA OF COURSE!!!LOL!!!

Seriously, they just go into parenting mode and think they are doing what is best for you, when erally they like to think that by telling you to get better, and if you do, then they can think that they are good parents because they made you get better.

WEIRD, definetly.

You should try talking to a doctor and see if they can suggest anything...are you at school? maybe you can talk to the school counsellor??

Anyway, good luck and let us know how things are going.

Nicke

MY MOM
Posted by *me* on Wed Jun 26 20:59:19 2002 (#4382)

Hey Sam, I completely understand!!!! Parents can be really really stupid sometimes. I have a story..I don't know if you care but I know that sometimes it helps to know that people go through the same shit. So here goes. Sometime last summer I was sick and had a fever on top of the temperature being like upper 80s. So I wore boxer shorts to bed. STUPID STUPID STUPID ME. My mom came in to check on my and wound up seeing BOTH my thighs which were newly cut..and badly cut. She asked me about it the next day: "What are those scratches? Don't do that, that can scar you know." RIGHT, first of all MOM like scratches really resemble RAZOR CUTS and second, NO I DIDN'T KNOW THAT CAN SCAR!!!! She had me really pissed off, but after that one little comment she has NEVER EVER mentioned the subject again. She's totally in denial (which part of me likes and is thankful for and the other part gets freaking mad about). And then the other day she saw a big scar on my shoulder (a "cat scratch" - yeah she's a NURSE and she "bought" that). You just have to lay really low and be really careful around your dad for a while until he figures it's too late to bring it up again. That's what I did with my mom. And never let there be silence when he could bring it up. CHANGE THE SUBJECT - even if it's stupid like, "I haven't heard from so-and-so in a while." And don't worry too much about it (right, easier said than done) because if your parents are in denial then they'll probably be like that for a while. I've been SIing for 5 years and my mom could give a crap. But anywho...good luck!

so messed up
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 26 03:26:32 2002 (#4364)

I'm such a fucking idiot.
I hate myself so much

I'm so sad these days, god why does this keep happening?
I thought I was better for good this time.
I hate myself so much I cut mysefl to nothingness.
All the shit I say (which is true) about getting better, and here I am sitting crying loooking like a bitch.

I'll never break free from this cycle.
It's possible , but not for me.

the fucked up-KAT

Re: so messed up
Posted by Vapor on Wed Jun 26 03:49:32 2002 (#4365)

youll break it. look how bad ive fucked up in the past few weeks and im already starting to move on, everyone has set backs and sometimes they are really big ones but you gotta remember they are set backs on the overall path to healing. you will move forward again, youre strong, you can do it.
Later, Vapor

Re: so messed up
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jun 26 11:13:04 2002 (#4374)

KAT, I am sorry you are in a bad place at the minute...

You have the strength to beat this...you just have to believe in yourself.

We will do it together, you and me, stand by one another and help each other through the dark days, until we come out the other side!!

What do you say???

Nicke.X

Re: so messed up
Posted by KAT on Wed Jun 26 20:25:58 2002 (#4380)

that sounds nice Nicke,
thanks for the offer.
I really needed that
:)
KAT

Re: so messed up
Posted by chelle on Wed Jun 26 23:58:16 2002 (#4386)

I love you Kat,
whatever happens im always on your side.
I'll always be your friend.

Love
chelle

Re: so messed up
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 27 01:33:50 2002 (#4387)

Thanks so much sweetheart, I love you too!!

I guess we can all hang in together.
:)
KAT

Re: so messed up
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Thu Jun 27 11:08:03 2002 (#4395)

You guys can! You all nearly live By each other!! Me I live thousands of miles away from ALL OF YOU!!!! Not fuckin farreeeee! Then agian life isn't fair! Ha! Nothing is fair!

Re: so messed up
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jun 27 12:10:36 2002 (#4397)

Actually Kid, I live in England and KAT lives in America, I don't know about chelle but I would say that we live far apart.

Nicke

Re: so messed up
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 27 20:26:51 2002 (#4425)

Chelle lives way far aweayfrom me , all the way over the Ocean.

and so does Nicke..and lone wolf, dont feel so out there because trust me we are all in this together, no matter how far or close we are.
:)
KAT

hey kat
Posted by stranger in the night on Thu Jun 27 20:49:53 2002 (#4429)

hey kat, just read this thread now so sorry if im late but....

i hope you are feeling better now, i hope so, youve helped me loads. take care, and even thouhg we are all far part we couldnt get any closer on this board (if you get my meaning...hehe i try lol!?)

anyways take care, hope you are ok xx

THANKS
Posted by KAT on Thu Jun 27 21:35:44 2002 (#4433)

yeah I got through my "moment" I was having.
I just go into these moods and I cant seem to shake them and I get so depressed so close to even suicide it's scary.
but thanks so much!!!!!!!!!!!!

everyone thanks.
Yeah we are close, hehe...

love ya all
KAT