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Threads 976 to 1000

checking in (the end might be triggering)
Posted by mego on Sat Jul 6 04:48:01 2002 (#4685)

hey guys... i don't really know why i'm back. feelin shitty again tonight. confused, headache, all that good stuff. i'm not fucked up, i want to be in a way, but after bein blown outta my mind for the past couple days, its kinda nice to be able to stand up straight. never thought i'd hear myself say that. yeah... shit. fuck guys, fuck parents and friends and everything else everyone thinks is real, because nothing is. maybe its best to just sit and watch everything go by and watch all the people who claim to be "normal" and thank god, or whatever the fuck you believe in, thank something anyway, that you're not like them. guys, we're not crazy, we just see things how they really are. read this:

Prosthetic Head

I see you, down in the front line.
Such a sight for sore eyes, you're a suicide makeover.
Plastic eyes, lookin' through a numbskull.
Self-effaced, what's his face.
You erased yourself so shut up.
You don't let up.

You have a growth that must be treated
Like a severed severe pain in the neck.
You can smell it but you can't see it.
No explanation identified 'cause you don't know.
You don't say.

And you got no reply.
Hey you, where did you come from?
Got a head full of lead, you're a inbred bastard son.
All dressed up, red blooded, Amannequin
Do or die, no reply, don't deny that you're synthetic.
You're pathetic

thats life right there, thats all the material bullshit that everyone lives by. guys, don't ever live by that shit. if it takes blood to keep you like this, thats what it takes. don't try to change yourself for anyone else. its not worth it, nothing is worth making those bastards happy. just be what you want to be, fuck their opinions. thats how i'm thinking right now. if you're in the middle of dinner and everyone is driving you crazy, get up and walk away. if you're at work and someone pisses you off, tell them to fuck off, if you're in the middle of a crowd of people and are thinking of too much shit, just scream. i did it, i wasn't straight at the time, but i did it. it felt good, and if you're with someone who is real like you, they won't care. if they get mad or look at you weird, they're fake like everyone else. don't live your life with people like that, you dont need them. all you need is to do what makes you feel good. ha, there's my speech, beautiful huh?? nicely planned out. yeah, right. all bullshit. i don't know why i came on here again in the first place. i cried over him again today. i told myself i wouldn't let myself cry over him again. it had been 4 days since i had. and i broke down and cried. i didn't let anyone see me, like it wouldnt count if they didn't know. but i know. why do i let him upset me?? thats all he ever does. i can still taste him and feel his hands against my skin and everything he made me remember to hate. i wanna cut, its been too long. way too fucking long. tonight. i can't wait till they're all in bed and i can bleed again. feel the blood sticky on my hands and know that the cuts will be there and real when i wake up, like nothing else ever seems to be. its gonna be great.

Re: checking in (the end might be triggering)
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 6 08:40:17 2002 (#4690)

hey ...damn im sorry you had such a fucked up night, you know what I had an extremly fucked up piece of shit night too.
too bad your not on aim, id like to talk if you wanted to.
guys are fucking hard to get over, and it takes alot of tears na dpain but its worth it in the end because if it wasnt meant it wasnt meant.
you know
take care sweetie
it sucks to see you hurting
*hugs*
e-mail me if u wanna talk more
KAT

Re: checking in (the end might be triggering)
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jul 7 04:36:11 2002 (#4702)

That's right Mego...if they can't see you for who you are...then there fucked up worse than you are. Who want's to be normal? I could care less. Normalsy is the absence or reality. by far.
Cut your pains away sweet...and let that blood flow like the river of life...because it's the only thing thats keeping you going.
GoodHunting Mego...
~lone~

Re: checking in (the end might be triggering)
Posted by mego on Sun Jul 7 07:04:40 2002 (#4705)

sorry guys, i just keep doing that. i dont know what it is. pannic attacks or something, i dont know. i cut myself (guess you all figured i would) deep enough to soak through my clothes, i put bandages on them so i wouldn't ruin any more clothes, it soaked through all of them. it was crazy, at first i was cracking up, i was smiling, it felt so good, then i got scared because of how much blood there was, and started crying, then i calmed down a little, cut a couple more times, finally relaxed and fell asleep. this morning when i took the bandages off a few of them bled again. i wanna cut now, just no room anymore. i think i'm just gonna go over some of the ones from last night. my uncle is staying with us, he totally covered for me earlier when my mom called. her and my dad are gonna be PD'd when they come home tonight. thats gonna be fun. time to see what we have in the medicine cabnet and for my razor. sweet dreams everyone.

Hey, guys - it's me from way back
Posted by laura rose on Sat Jul 6 06:14:30 2002 (#4687)

I remember when I first started posting on psyke... it was a couple of years ago.. back with Nuni, and Maggie... and Lori.. and Kay... I miss all of you guys...

*sigh*.... I've been doing good, if anyone cares. I'm not really cutting anymore... people at my work think I'm crazy because I have scars all over my arms... but that's okay.

I'm still in my relationship with Hersh.. and Cameron (my son) is 4 now.

I'm on a new med called "wellbutrin".. it's cool, I guess.... I've only cut once or twice in the last 6 months.

I love you guys... stay strong.. I'm here for all of you.. If I can make it out... I know you can to..

Take care...
Laura Rose

Re: Hey, guys - it's me from way back
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 6 08:34:55 2002 (#4689)

hi..maybe you dont member me.
Welcome back, I think nuni and maggie still check this board from time to time.
glad to hear an update
take care
KAT

Re: Hey, guys - it's me from way back
Posted by *me* on Thu Jul 11 16:04:24 2002 (#4817)

Hi...I don't know if you would remember me, but I think I remember you. Whatever, it's good to hear that you're doing well.

My new online journal!
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 6 13:50:58 2002 (#4691)

Hi
got a journal at diaryland.com, thought that if any of you are bored and feel the need to be depressed (which we all do at some point!) you might like to read it.
Ella x

Re: My new online journal!
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 6 15:46:37 2002 (#4695)

Hey Ella, thanks for posting it, I got a diary too..It helps so fucking much when you have no one to talk with.
:)
here's mine
www.deadj ournal.com/uers/paindivine/

I'll check on you and see it.
love
KAT

Re: My new online journal!
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 8 05:34:55 2002 (#4719)

Thank you for the idea. It will be good to have one of my own. Something my kids can read as I journey to deaths door. Although, I don't want to die now. But if my days are numbered then I want my kids to know how much I love them and maybe it will help them get through the grieving process. Again Thanks.. Dawn

shitty piece of writing
Posted by Death on Sat Jul 6 15:37:33 2002 (#4693)

hey people,

This is a thing that i wrote when i got really really down, it is very very crap but hey.... here it is

Black dark, pain endless not noing wat to do or where to go. Trapped cold upset, tears. Hot slashes deep red purple blood. Adrenalin rush pumping,veins swelling, cuts surging. Life is shit, never ending. Blades peircing brains bursting, muscle tearing crushing bone. No one is there just black, illusions, voices, screaming. Words of grief, hatred, suffering. Wanting to be anywhere but here. Mind spinning, vision blurring, stomach rolling. Smoke rising, all body senses confused. Needles puching poisin into veins, nice poisin, poisin numbing pain. Blackness is darker, needles wanted, poisin wanted, no more pain wanted. INhaling smoke, have no control, no feelings, no pain, heaven. Tears falling, mind lost, no thoughts, just black. Close to the end, i see no light but a redness surging at the of the grim black hole. Getting closer i feel heat and my pain returning, my heaven, where has it gone? Need more poisin, cannot move, to much pressure. Deep red filling my brain, flames incinerating my heart, have no soul. Silver blades, they haunt me, the voices are back screaming get out, get out. BUt where i shout? I cannot run, i cannot move, my head is to heavy to lift. Wake up, wake up she screams, a woman with a needle and cuts up her arms, Get up! My mind is lost in smoke and flames, i have no heart. The redness gets thicker, a trap, no more black just endless sheets of red filling my eyes with tears. My head banging, beaten with a wooden stick, over and over again, never stopping.My ribs crushe by stones, red hot stones, burns pulsing with blood, oozing out my last flow of oxygen, its too much to take, let me go i scream get me out. My arms hacked by by blades, drenched in blood, a glimpse of bright white from the huge tear in muscle revealing my bone. A low voice chants at me, follow the flame , you will get you heaven, your pain. A grim smile spread across my face, my poisin, my heaven its back.

Sorry about the spelling, i'm shite at that too. Sorry for wasting ur time

Death
x

Re: shitty piece of writing
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 6 15:49:45 2002 (#4696)

hey...I seriously thought that that poem was great.
I really did, its more of my tatse, we all have our own opinions, and I just wanted to say that was awsome.
thanks for puttin it up so we could read it
KAT

Re: shitty piece of writing
Posted by Sam on Sat Jul 6 19:40:04 2002 (#4698)

That's pretty cool - it's like stream of consciousness writing. I've written stuff like that before, but this is good shit. It's pretty much all-encompassing, the way everything swirls around in your head when you're depressed, but somehow you still feel nothing.

Good stuff - keep it up if it makes you feel better.

Sam

Re: shitty piece of writing
Posted by jill on Sun Jul 7 12:26:49 2002 (#4706)

you write really well

DONT READ THE PIECE OF WRITING< ITS CRAP COMPA....
Posted by Death on Sat Jul 6 15:40:41 2002 (#4694)

DONT READ THE "SHITTY PIECE OF WRITING", ITS CRAP COMPARED TO THE OTHER STUFF ON HERE

KAT
Posted by Death on Sat Jul 6 16:01:35 2002 (#4697)

hey kat,

Where do you live? coz i no a kat like you and i wanna no if it is you.... probably isnt but hey

Love Death
x

Re: KAT
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 6 23:53:59 2002 (#4699)

I live in TX.
my real name isnt Kat though, thats just what Ive gone by since Ive been on the board.
:)

KAT

Mego
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jul 7 04:26:28 2002 (#4700)

I remember you Mego...i've missed your posts a great deal. Please check up often...i like to see your name around.

Death
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jul 7 04:42:12 2002 (#4703)

Death, Anything put on this board, is a sentamental thought...something worth something. If it was crap...it'd be with the rest of the world. Insulting yourself work isn't to great of an idea...i know...first hand. I did that and i almost lost what words i had left. Your writing is good...don't be afriad to let it out.
~lone~

"Unwanted"
Posted by ~lone wolf~ on Sun Jul 7 04:50:36 2002 (#4704)

All I did was walk over
Start off by shaking your hands
That's how it went
I had a smile on my face
and I sat up strait

Oh ya ya
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you

You don't know me
Don't ignore me
You don't want me there
You just shut me out
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
If you had your way
You'd just shut me up
Make me go away

No I just don't understand why you
WOn't talk to me It hurts that I'm
So unwated for nothing don't
talk words agianst me

Oh ya ya
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you

You don't know me
Don't ignore me
You don't want me there
you just shut me out
You don't know me
DOn't ignore me
If you had your way
You'd just shut me up
Make me go away

No I just don't understand why you
Won't talk to me It hurts that I'm
So wanted for nothing don't
talk words agianst me

I tried to belong It didn't seem wrong
My head aches It's been so long I'll
write the song if thats what it takes

Re: "Unwanted"
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Jul 7 23:01:41 2002 (#4711)

well...that sounds better when sung. *sighs*

Re: "Unwanted"
Posted by She on Sun Jul 7 23:10:44 2002 (#4712)

Wow that sounds good
Love n hugz
She

Re: "Unwanted"
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Jul 7 23:51:24 2002 (#4713)

Thankyou She. I was begining to wonder if i was invisible...

Re: "Unwanted"
Posted by She on Mon Jul 8 16:31:09 2002 (#4723)

Lol no Yeah its really good .what dose it sounds like with music ??
Muchly love
She

Re: "Unwanted"
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jul 8 19:47:35 2002 (#4725)

sounds a hell of a lot better than it does writen out. thats for shure.

Re: "Unwanted"
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 8 19:51:03 2002 (#4727)

that sounds so good. have you actually put it to music? I tried to put some of my poems to music. They sounded ok, i just can't sing :-)

Re: "Unwanted"
Posted by She on Mon Jul 8 20:03:19 2002 (#4731)

I wrote a song for my GCSE i might post it on here sometime .
More luving
She

livejournal
Posted by jill on Sun Jul 7 12:36:39 2002 (#4707)

does anyone have a livejournal? hm yeah i dunno i have one yeah its www. livejournal.com/users/jillybea n956424
yeah and if anyone wants one i could get u a code ..yeah i dont know i feel weird

Re: livejournal
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Jul 7 22:55:34 2002 (#4710)

Be carefull...you sound like your ready to do something...
~lone~

I'm Back!!!!
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Jul 7 18:02:48 2002 (#4708)

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm back.
You all have been so supportive and it just stuns
me as to how much everyone cares. I thank you for
all the emails and the posts on the board. It is
very comforting to know that I have so many good
friends. You are all blessings in my life and I
hope to be here for a long time or for however
long you need me. My family is doing okay. Tara
took this really hard as did Tasha. This was the first funeral they had been to. Both of them had
grown up knowing Mema and were very close to her.
But they will be okay. They have a family around them who loves them very much. I know my grandma
is in Heaven with her family who has passed before
her and with her Lord. That is a huge comfort to me. To all of you, thanks again for all your support. You all mean the world to me.
Love you all, Rhonda

Re: I'm Back!!!!
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Sun Jul 7 22:52:42 2002 (#4709)

You mean alot to us Rhonda. We're glad your doing ok and your back. It's a good feeling to see someone make it threw that sort of thing and be back so soon.
~lone~

Re: I'm Back!!!!
Posted by KAT on Mon Jul 8 03:51:02 2002 (#4717)

Rhonda, Im glad you are at peace with this. It is a very upsetting thing, I hope Tara and Tasha come to peace with it too, but it is extremly hard.
take care
thanks for bein here for us
love always
*hugs*
KAT

Re: I'm Back!!!!
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 8 05:24:13 2002 (#4718)

It is good to have you back dear friend. love Dawn

Re: I'm Back!!!!
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 8 19:49:15 2002 (#4726)

I'm glad that you're doing ok. I love you so much. I hope that you, tara and tasha manage to get through this ok. Love always, el x

Re: I'm Back!!!!
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 9 16:16:36 2002 (#4757)

I am really sorry that I didn't send you an email... I have had limited web access and will for the next couple of weeks...That doesn't excuse it though.

I was thinking of you though.

If you are interested then I am doing a project, you probably read about it...just wondering if sometime, when you are feeling better, you could give me your thoughts from the point of view of a mother...

Only when you are feeling better in yourself though...I will send you the email to look at if that is okay...just send it back if it is not!!!!

Nicke.

P.S. I do really hope that things start improving for you because you deserve it, you are a pillar of strength for everyone and deserve some luck.

Re: I'm Back!!!!
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 9 16:57:24 2002 (#4763)

((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs and love))))))))))))))
Love you Rhonda. Hope things improve for you.
Im useless, but if you EVER want to talk email me ANY TIME. I'd love to repay you in some way for all the times you've saved my life.
Love Ella x

Nicke!!!
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 10 01:31:24 2002 (#4776)

Thanks for the sweet words. Whenever you want to,
just send what you want me to look at. Take care
honey.
Love ya, Rhonda

LONE WOLF
Posted by Jamie on Mon Jul 8 00:10:49 2002 (#4715)

hey...where in minnesota are you from? i'm from there too

Re: LONE WOLF
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Mon Jul 8 01:56:37 2002 (#4716)

I live near the twin cities....a bit far of from them....more detail...ask me on e-mail

Stop Harm Forums
Posted by MMMonkey on Mon Jul 8 06:08:48 2002 (#4721)

Please come visit us. Great community that's just starting for SI-ers to feel accepted and start their road to recovery. We're there to help each other stay safe and motivated to always BE safe.

http://pub84.ezboa rd.com/bstopharm

All self injurers and those who love someone who injures are welcome to come.

just some shit, not important
Posted by mego on Mon Jul 8 06:44:33 2002 (#4722)

i'm not even gonna start to try to help you guys out. i'm sorry, i just wanna be able to look at all the posts and know im not alone and all, but i dont want to try to help other people and just fuck things up worse for them. i wanna write, but i can't think right now. maybe later i'll post something, i dont know. today i was smokin with the guys and clint was talking abuot some chick and how she had a scar on her leg and he asked about it and she said she cut herself and they were talking about how crazy she was. chris and me were talking later and he asked about the ones on my arm. what could i say?? "its from holding the boxes at work" "and jeff" "yeah, him too" then he gave me a hug. god, that'll make you feel like shit if nothing else will... oh well. secrets out.

Re: just some shit, not important
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 8 19:53:10 2002 (#4728)

i can't help people at the moment either. i love you girl. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Re: just some shit, not important
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 9 16:53:50 2002 (#4762)

Think I might give up trying to help people. Im pathetic and selfish, I just make things worse.
Love you
Ella x

Just gonna send ya all an email...
Posted by Nicke on Mon Jul 8 16:53:24 2002 (#4724)

I am having trouble at the minute finding time to do everything so I will just send everyone on this board the standard email that I am sending with all the information on my project.

If you don't want to be involved then you could just disregard it but I suspect that a few people are interested and if not you may change your mind when you read it...

I will also get round to sending some posts soon...

Nicke

too confusing
Posted by Vapor on Tue Jul 9 01:25:35 2002 (#4732)

i spend too much time trying to distinguish reality from fantasy... trying to tell whats real whats not what was real what was not. i can no longer stand it. ive lost touch with social convention. i walk around in a daze, respond in a confused manner when spoken to yet my head is clear. clear in envisioning theory. math and science flow at an astonishing rate. polymer science has become a hobby, thermo chem seems like child's play. yet i walk down the street seeing not knowing what is a creation of my mind, what is flashback and what is real. its not that im delusional and its not that i truly dont know but it i dont know. forget it i give up.
Later, Vapor

Re: too confusing
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 9 02:47:42 2002 (#4733)

Don't give up girl...please. You mean so much to me already. Come on, we can make it through this. If we can make it threw a day at the beach, we can make it threw anything. *Huggles Huggles and more huggles*
~lone~

Re: too confusing
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 9 15:32:52 2002 (#4746)

I can empathise in that I constantly wonder what I dreamt and what I didn't...I have had many a conversation where I have spoken to people and realised they don't know what I am talking about because I dreamt it.

Only problem is that I have np clue what to do about it...I am so sorry for not being able to offer advice...

Nicke

Re: too confusing
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 9 15:43:12 2002 (#4753)

Hi
wow, just how I feel. Unfortunatly not in the case of sciences etc as my concentration has plummeted. But I feel like life is a video tape and Im just watching, not connected, and I cant figure out if these people in front of me are people at all or just figments of my imagination. Oh my god Im losing it. Sorry I cant help. Im useless.
Ella x

Re: too confusing
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 10 01:35:25 2002 (#4777)

Oh please, don't give up. There are too many
people here who care about you. Especially me.
I don't know if I'd be much help, but please feel
free to email me anytime if you want to talk.
Don't give up!!!!!!!! LIfe is too short as it is
and I don't like losing people I love. Take care
of yourself.
LOve ya, Rhonda

HELP ME PLEASE
Posted by ALANA on Tue Jul 9 06:59:12 2002 (#4735)

I'm losing it again. Just like before.

I'm a cutter who doesn't partake in the act of "cutting" all too often anymore. But TONIGHT I WANT TO SOOOOO BAD. Thinking of the past and what I've done to myself makes me sick. I can't erase what has happened, although it seems as if I've tried to considering I can't remember anything that happened last year. I don't remember what I was like at all. Somebody different. NOT ME.

Calling all old psyke posters - what was I like before?

Let me die.

Love, Alana

Re: HELP ME PLEASE
Posted by Jamie on Tue Jul 9 07:05:20 2002 (#4736)

hey hunny, i'm sorry...i'm sorta new...so i don't know what you were like before...but for now...go have a smoke, or take a bath with ice cubes...do something..don't cut, you know you'll just feel guilty and terrible after...the relief is only temporary!!! we love you!!
hugs, jamie

Re: HELP ME PLEASE
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 9 15:37:43 2002 (#4749)

Hi Alana
I remember you though you may not remember me. Your post always made a lot of sense, thats the main thing I remember... oh god, Im sorry. As the depression worsens my memory is deteriating. Same situation as you I guess...
Imagine the most comforting thing anyone can say to you right now, then imagine it is typed here.
love and empathy
Ella x

Re: HELP ME PLEASE
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 9 15:35:17 2002 (#4748)

Alana, if you are the same Alana who I spoke to the last time I was on the board about 18 months ago or more...then I remember you being a very supportive person to all on the board.

I remember you for being a good friend and source of strength and support when I needed it the most.

Try to find a distraction when you need to cut, and try other coping mechanisms.

Email me hunny, I wanna help.

Nicke

Re: HELP ME PLEASE
Posted by *me* on Tue Jul 9 16:23:57 2002 (#4758)

Alana, be strong. YOU ARE STRONG. I know that you are. You can get through this. Please take care. Post here, or write, or cry, or just run out of the house and run around the block until you feel like your lungs will burst...do something but don't cut - don't cut unless you feel you have to to save your life. I know that cutting has kept every one of us here on this earth, so if you HAVE to, don't feel too bad. Cutting is our coping mechanism. Just BE CAREFUL and don't cut too deep and make sure to CLEAN and BANDAGE anything you do. Sweetie, I wish there was something I could say to make things better...just know that we are all here for you and we care about you. I think of this board as sort of a second family. Take care and stay safe. I'm here if you need me.

Re: HELP ME PLEASE
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 9 21:46:13 2002 (#4767)

Hi there sweetie, I e-mailed you a few weeks ago, let me know if you got it.
I do remember you from the old suicide board more then the SI one,you were very depressed and suicidalso it seemed, Imsorry your goin back to that.
I have gone back too and Im stuck right where Istarted but I can get out of it and socanyou.
its a fucking struggle everyday, but its a fight worth fighting for, even though it may not seem like it some days.
let me know how your doing.
take care
love
*hugs*
KAT

Re: HELP ME PLEASE
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 10 01:37:06 2002 (#4778)

I don't have any words of wisdom to help you, but
you can email me if you need to rant and rave a
little. I'm all ears!!! Take care honey,
LOve ya, Rhonda

help
Posted by NoBoDy on Tue Jul 9 07:18:20 2002 (#4737)

my life sucks so much! i try so hard not to show it and i tell myself to act happy and to not let people know but its so hard! when ever people do talk to me about it the never seem like they acctually care and i feel like they feel like they have to say sumthing like we love you and i know its all bullshit! i dont really have ne1 to go to either, i dont really have a best friend or sum1 that im really close with to talk to. every day is the same for me, i feel so fucked up and just wanna die.

Re: help
Posted by jill on Tue Jul 9 12:00:26 2002 (#4738)

i know you dont really know me and it wouldnt be the same thing but if u ever need to talk, im always online :)

Re: help
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 9 15:33:56 2002 (#4747)

I know how you feel all to well. Everyday Im realizing I have no friends who care for me. The number keeps growing smaller and smaller till I woke up this morning and I realized the number was 0. Thats why Im not at school. I feel I should pretend to be happy but I just cant do it anymore.
If you can relate to any of my rant above and ever need a little empathy feel free to email me whenever.
Love Ella x

Re: help
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 9 15:39:33 2002 (#4750)

Hey there NoBoDy, it may not mean much to you but I wanna help you if you will let me.

It sounds to me that you are among the many on here who have a low self-esteem.

You feel like people are feeling that they 'have' to say something because the only other possibility is that there do actually care. And that scares you for some reason...or maybe it doesn't scare you maybe you just can't believe it...or don't want to believe it.

Well, I for one, don't know you admitedly, but want to get to know you so that I can help you to get your self esteem back and learn to accept that people care.

Email me if you want to hunny, I would like that.

Nicke

Re: help
Posted by Sam on Tue Jul 9 18:57:46 2002 (#4765)

Don't feel so bad - I know a lot of us here on the board feel like there's nowhere else to turn - that's why this board exists, isn't it. I'm always here to listen, even to what you might think is "stupid."

Stay safe,
Sam

Re: help
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 9 21:47:51 2002 (#4768)

same for me too, I have no one I call a best friend, thers no one I can call up and just talk to casually, I have no one or so it seems, its a desperatly lonly world but it gets better.
just stay in there
were here, it doesnt seem like much but it can mean the world when u need it.
take care
KAT

Re: help
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 10 01:38:39 2002 (#4779)

You can write to me and I'll do my best to help you. I'm sorry your life is not so good right now,
but I'll always be here if you want to talk. Take
care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

dreams and driver's ed- odd mix
Posted by *Poison on Tue Jul 9 12:07:01 2002 (#4740)

hey there. i've been living at my dad's for the last week and a half and i noticed that i've started dreaming again. i love to dream it is my only way to look at the past and discover what really happened. why i am like i am. my dreams are my savior my answer to all of my questions. if i don't dream, i don't fully live. yeah i'm fucked up i know.
on a second note.
i'm hopefully going to get my driver's license today. but i doubt it because my dad lost my birth certificate and social security card which i need for identification. damn promises. always made to be broken. getting my license means sooo much to me because it means that if people in my house are pissing me off i can get away from it all. it is my escape my solace. my dad will probably blame me for not being able to go today because i didn't inform him earlier of the birth certificate social security card thingy. everything is always my fault, i'm the irresponsible one. it's not my fault he should have them and he lost them. GRRRR it makes me sooo mad. i had a dream about how i was going to react to this too and it wasn't pretty....

Amanda

Re: dreams and driver's ed- odd mix
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 9 15:30:31 2002 (#4745)

I wish I could dream, but I just don't seem to dream anymore, just blankness. lucky you!
Im fourteen, so obviously I cant drive but I wish I could. It would be so great to drive away on and on, till the shouting fades. good luck with finding the birth certificate and card and good luck with the driving test.
Love Ella x

Re: dreams and driver's ed- odd mix
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 9 15:41:52 2002 (#4752)

I could just be totally ignorant and unperceptive, but I haven't seen your name on here, so this is me saying HI.

If you have been on here then let me apologise for my lateness!!!LOL!!!

Nicke

P.S. Good luck with things!

Re: dreams and driver's ed- odd mix
Posted by Sam on Tue Jul 9 19:05:20 2002 (#4766)

There's no use frustrating yourself over not having your license. I was supposed to get mine in November (my birthday), but I was changing schools and that messed everything up, not to mention the fact that I had never been so depressed before.

Sorry, I'm babbling. I got my license a week and a half ago, but my mom keeps reminding me that she can have it revoked as long as I'm a minor. (I'm not sure if that's an Illiois law or what, but my driver's ed teacher said thae same thing.)

Anyway, be patient about getting your license, and don't abuse the privledge (sp?) when you get it. Let me know how it turns out.

Oh - and the dreams thing! You're really lucky you have that as an escape. I've had nightmares my whole life, AND I sleepwalk, so I'm almost afraid to sleep.

If you meant daydreams, just ignore what I said. (Shut up, Sam. No one wants to hear it.)

love always,
Sam

Re: dreams and driver's ed- odd mix
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 9 21:49:57 2002 (#4769)

hey be careful, having your lisences is sun, but even if you are the most careful person its stilll soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dangerous, sorry dont mean to lecture but Ive been in one to many very scary accidents.
good luck
take care
KAT

Re: dreams and driver's ed- odd mix
Posted by *Poison on Wed Jul 10 05:01:03 2002 (#4783)

well we finally found my birth certificate and social security card, we had to call my dad's ex fiance to come over and find it though. which was a great guilt trip for me seeing as how he still loves her to death and seeing her makes him pretty much suicidal. I went for my license today and i passed! my picture just makes me realize how fat i truely am and how badly i need to stop eating. Nicke- I post on and off with the board, i used to post regularly then i stopped posting for a long time but now i'm kinda back. i've been on for almost a year now. i think it is a law everywhere that your parents can revoke your license because it is the same here is New Hampshire. one of my only solaces of the day now is to wait for my dreams at night. i find myself trying to fall asleep as much as possible so that i may dream. well i've blabbed enough. thanks for listening

Amanda

backsliding and slicing away again
Posted by Marie on Tue Jul 9 15:04:47 2002 (#4741)

Hey guys... Most of you probably don't remember me, I haven't visited in a while. I was doing so well... but I cut last night for the first time in nine and a half months and I'm so upset with myself... I have been working so hard and I actually fooled myself into thinking that I was safe, that I was better... now I'm just so mad, and depressed and all I can think about is my next cut, I just want to go out and buy another clean razor and slash away all the emotion, all the anger and disappointment... slash my way to blessed numbness...
Is there anyone out there who can help... anyone who's got advice? I really don't know what to do...

Re: backsliding and slicing away again
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 9 15:26:50 2002 (#4743)

Hi
everyone slips up on the way to recovery. absolutely EVERYONE. Its ok to want to cut, that doesnt mean your failing. I dont know what else to say, but you are in my thoughts,
good luck,
love Ella x

Re: backsliding and slicing away again
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 9 15:52:15 2002 (#4754)

First thing, don't be upset with yourself...you are only human and these set backs and slips only serve make us stronger.

Try and find another way of coping, I heard someone post about ice cubes being a godd distraction...also there are other ways but you must find one personal to you...

Email me if you wanna chat or anything...

Nicke.

P.S. Welcome back, I wish it could have been under better circumstance but that's okay.

Re: backsliding and slicing away again
Posted by Marie on Tue Jul 9 16:53:46 2002 (#4761)

Thanks for the support, I've forgotten how much it helps to come to the board for help and advice. Everyone here is so understanding. I appreciate it guys.

Re: backsliding and slicing away again
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 9 21:52:44 2002 (#4770)

hi there
thatsucks, I know exactly what your goin through,
I went quit some time without and then a few nights ago I cut ALOT. it was no good and its creeping back into my body, but I wont let it win.
try and stay safe its hard, but youve been able tomanage for that long.
Im sure you can do it again,
sorry im not good on advice right now
Im here if u wanna talk
KAT

Re: backsliding and slicing away again
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 10 01:43:40 2002 (#4780)

Hey Marie,
Don't worry about cutting again. It happens. You
can be upset for a little while, but please don't
let it take over your thoughts. You just have to
start again. No one thinks bad about you so I
hope you don't either. I'm here if you ever want
to talk. Just email me,okay? Take care of yourself.
Love ya, RHonda

Not at school again
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 9 15:24:31 2002 (#4742)

Hi
As you probably guessed from the title, yet again I am not at school. Only went to school twice last week, only been to school for one day this week and already Im not turning up.
Told mum I have a headache, she didnt believe me but she hasnt said anything. By the way, the 'talk' was cancelled because dad decided to go on holiday to Greece rather then turn up for his weekend and take Joe and Lily. So its tommorow instead.
I have no *real* friends in the *real* world. I realized that in therapy yesterday. Im gonna ask mum to let me go to the doctors and take anti-depressents and try different therapies.
Getting desperate...
*sigh*
Im tired, see you later, love Ella x

Re: Not at school again
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 9 15:30:15 2002 (#4744)

Hey girl, hang in there sweetie pie...

School, college, they all drag when you are depressed...can seem to concentrate or be motivated to do something...on the other hand it can be good just to get out of the house, a change of scenery or take your mind off things for half an hour.

Only problem is that you never know what kind of day it is gonna be eh?

Take care, and good luck with your mum and asking for treatment...also, email me if you need to.

Nicke

Re: Not at school again
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 9 15:39:42 2002 (#4751)

Thanks Nicke, I wish I could say something more interesting but I am a boring little f*ckup so sadly that is out of the question... oh well.
Ella

Positive thoughts.
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 9 16:51:30 2002 (#4760)

Listen, I want you to promise me that you will try not to criticise yourself as much...instead, say something along the lines of...Your not so bad you know...

I hate to see it when you have such a downer on yourself

Remember what I said about positive thoughts...what is yours??????

Nicke.

email me

Re: Positive thoughts.
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 9 16:59:09 2002 (#4764)

Im so sorry Nicke.
There is nothing positive about me.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Love you (((((((((((((hugs and thanks)))))))))))))
Ella x

Re: Not at school again
Posted by KAT on Tue Jul 9 21:55:46 2002 (#4771)

Ella, I have no "real" friends either, but friends are people who come and go, they really are.
I hope evetyhting goes okaywith the meds, parents can be complicated people to try and talk to.
be careful
love you
KAT

Re: Not at school again
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 10 01:45:46 2002 (#4781)

Ella!!! What can I say? Sorry seems to be just
another word, but I'm sorry your dad decided not
to come see you. Anything I can do to help? Let
me know sweetie. Take care of yourself.
Love ya, RHonda

Re: Not at school again
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 10 18:28:52 2002 (#4793)

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))) ))))))))) I love you ella. Sorry i can't say anymore, i'm no use to anyone at the moment, but don't forget that ok? x x x x

Hollyoaks.
Posted by Nicke on Tue Jul 9 16:07:34 2002 (#4755)

For all those who live in Britain and get channel4 there is a story line in the programme Hollyoaks about a girl who cuts herself.

She is protrayed as a 'needy' person who suffocates her relationship with her boyfriend. He is supportive but doesn't understand and is scared that she will cut herself again.

He is 'driven' to his ex and they kiss, this is caught on camera and the piture is shown and there high school dance in front of everyone which makes Lisa, the character, cut herself quite badly.

She is met with a range of reactions and the story line basically reflects life in the most part except that she is seen as a very needy, clingy person which I didn't like but hey, it is a start.

Nicke

P.S. the show is on every Monday and Tuesday between 6pm and 7pm. And the repeat is on every Sunday on T4 about 10.30am.

Re: Hollyoaks.
Posted by Broken Girl on Tue Jul 9 16:51:05 2002 (#4759)

Hi

I love HollyOaks!
I agree with you about the way she's represented. She seems so clingy! But your right, its a start. Hits on self harm web sites have gone up since the storyline started, so it is doing some good. She thinks she has it bad! She should see my familys reaction!
Love Ella x

Re: Hollyoaks.
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 10 18:31:06 2002 (#4794)

I never miss an episode! sad isn't it? I agree that it's good to get some publicity, but sometimes the way she's portrayed gets on my nerves a bit.

ALL RIGHT ALREADY!
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 9 22:41:16 2002 (#4772)

ComE ON PPL! We all know that what we say has some impact, and it's always a good impact. I wish you would all stop putting yourselves down and just say, I can help. I can make a difference. It does work! Trust me. I know what I say most of the time is worthless, but maybie to some ppl it means something. ppl=people. Please just listen to me...please.
~lone~

Re: ALL RIGHT ALREADY!
Posted by Rhonda on Wed Jul 10 01:48:31 2002 (#4782)

I'm listening and you're right. People can help
each other. And whatever anyone says is not worthless. It may not help some people, but help
others so don't ever be afraid to speak your mind.
Take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: ALL RIGHT ALREADY!
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jul 10 15:43:39 2002 (#4790)

I have to say that I agree cos you should have more confidence in the fact that you are all talking from experience, you can share these experiences and people can take your advice or leave it...

Nicke

to she
Posted by Richard on Tue Jul 9 22:44:59 2002 (#4773)

To She~B
Hiya wow this is a hard letter to write .OK so how do i start.
Well basicly im really worried about you.I found Psyke about 3 or 4 weeks ago and i have been watching over it to see how your doing I really hope you dont mind me doing so.
OK so ive started to look up some stuff about Self harm and i really want to help you.If you ever need to talk im allways here and Lucy has been through similar things she thinks the world of you , she would love it if you could go and talk to her some time .
I dont know what your going through but we've allways been so close Its really hard to see you doing this .
Ok soooo as i said ths is a really hard letter to write so i'll stop here .
xxRichardxx
Ps we gotta be strong .... for Bob :)

Richard
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 10 19:55:00 2002 (#4797)

hey richard.
Sorry, I hope you don't mind me writing but are you richard as in She's brother? I've heard a lot about you from she. She really loves you a lot. I don't know why I'm writing this really, just to say that I think it's great that you're supporting her and from what she's told me She's really lucky to have you.
take care of her, she's a very special person.
Love el x

Rich
Posted by She on Thu Jul 11 23:42:28 2002 (#4854)

Hiya
Ok so this is wierd.
Soo urm talking isnt one of my strong points i guess its gotta be strange being where you are but ok well you know last year when i did really stupid things and my life was well non existant but you were still there for me well that was the most amazing thing n e one has ever done for me and you being round to do silly things like planting Bob makes me feel life is worth liveing thank you soooooo much for all that .
Im gonna pop round some time to se you soon but till then.
Loads of loave hugz and a new carpet
She~B
P.s Can you keep Bob when im on holliday?????can you can you can you please please please

a progressive & life-threatening disease
Posted by murie on Wed Jul 10 00:25:52 2002 (#4774)

I haven't been doing very well, the food issue has been massive for me this week, since I let myself eat a tub of vegan ice cream a week ago. Ever since then I have been on an alltime low, feeling sick after eating or drinking anything, yet still absteining from starving out of fear or bingeing. It resulted in another (the last I hope) rock bottom on friday night when I found myself purgeing after eating some "trigger" food (I hadn't purged for 3yrs & couldn't believe it was happening again). I ended up cutting (thinking that I would be able to keep it safe) - the result was that I very nearly died & it was so horrible

thats the bad news. On the positive side of things, it seems like a relief to finally have hit a rock bottom again. The only way for me now is total absteinance from drugs, drink, disorderd eating and self-harm. I never want to self-harm again & I know I've said this a thousand times before, but friday was worse than ever & really frightened me. I never want to allow myself to self-harm in any way again, my relapses in cutting have been very very dangerous & my burning has lead to severe depression & disordered eating & very near fatal injury. I know it's one day at a time but honestly I've really had enough this time.

I saw my doctor today, she was really good. I've gone back on prozac & she's going to arrange for a community psychiatric nurse to visit me & hopefully I'll go back on a care program also. So finally I've had the guts to say that I'm still very ill & need more support. (In the past my only way of asking for more help was through more frequent & severe self-harm & I never got more help really, because I'd then convince everyone (including myself) that I was ok.

my mistake that lead to this relapse was that i became complacent. I forgot that my self-harm is part of a progressive & life-threatening disease that I have. I let the professionals cut off my support system, when I had been absteinant for some time from ative self-harming. I knew it was dangerous for me not to have the support & that I would only have to ask if I needed more support but I guess I was too worried about being seen as "needy" & not enough worried about the dangerous condition I live with. I hope my sharing this will be of some help to others aswell as to myself.

Re: a progressive & life-threatening disease
Posted by LOST on Wed Jul 10 01:01:48 2002 (#4775)

that totally helped me because I'm a recovering drug addict and I have recently been feeling as though i am going to relapse. And I know that I need to reach out for help again but I've been clean for so long that i think (in my stupid brain) that i can handle it. but what u said kind of made me think twice about that and maybe i DO need my support system back before i relapse and have to start all over again :) thanks

Re: a progressive & life-threatening disease
Posted by Dawn on Wed Jul 10 05:09:19 2002 (#4784)

Thank you very much for your candid sharing. Even I forget that I too suffer from depression which when faced with a lot of stress I turn to my scissors for help. I too think when I do cut that it is only going to be a small cut but when I start I don't want to stop. And I don't until blood starts flowing almost uncontroalbly. At which time I get frightened and go to the hospital for stitches and a vow to not cut anymore.

I get complacent with NOT CUTTING. Thank you for reminding me that I am always one crisis away from cutting.. :) Dawn

Re: a progressive & life-threatening disease
Posted by *Poison on Wed Jul 10 05:15:15 2002 (#4785)

Thank you and in know a few people have already said this but what you posted was truely inspirational and i hope everyone on the board reads it and get something out of it. just the fact that you are realizing that you need help and that you are asking for it is a HUGE step on the road to recovery. your doing a great job and i hope you can keep it up.

Amanda

Re: a progressive & life-threatening disease
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jul 10 15:48:06 2002 (#4791)

I am really sorry about what happened...sometimes you need to reach that 'rock bottom' that we all talk about, just to show us what is going on...a sort of reality check...

I hope things work out for you, and email me anytime if you wanna chat or anything.

Nicke

Re: a progressive & life-threatening disease
Posted by KAT on Wed Jul 10 20:47:08 2002 (#4798)

hi there, Im glad your getting some help now,I hope it works out for you and changes your life style in one way or in every aspect if needed.
I know what your goin throuhg, my "eating disorder" has taken a turn for the worst and to be honest I am letting it, nothing I can do about it.
hang in there, you sem like youve been through to much shit to just give up, soIm glad youve reached out.
take care
love
KAT