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Threads 1001 to 1025

Back yet again.. Check this out..
Posted by laura rose on Wed Jul 10 05:25:46 2002 (#4786)

So I went to work today as I do every day... It's review time, so all of us were getting our performance appraisals and raises...

I've been working there a year this month... My boss went on and on about how I'm a model employee.. how I work hard and am dedicated and dependable... She had nothing but nice things to say...

Then she hit me with it..

"Laura, there is something I need to talk to you about though... Teresa up in Human Resources has asked that from now on you wear long sleeves to work every day. People don't like your scars and it makes them uneasy."

What the hell?!?!

Granted, I work in a corporate office... but I have no interaction with clients or anything.. there is no rule against having scars on your arms... I just make people "uneasy"..

*shakes head*... People will never cease to amaze me...

Laura Rose

Re: Back yet again.. Check this out..
Posted by Jamie on Wed Jul 10 07:07:17 2002 (#4787)

thats fucking bullshit...people are fucking dumb FUCK THEM!!...GOD DAMN that pisses me off so fucking much

Re: Back yet again.. Check this out..
Posted by Nicke on Wed Jul 10 15:41:39 2002 (#4789)

That stinks huh?

I can't say that I know how it feels because I always wear long sleeves as a rule...don't think I will ba able to ever wear short sleeves although I long to.

Really sorry about work... the only thing I say is that you should ask them what is more important your work or your arms????

Don't know what else to say really except don't let them get you down.

Nicke

Re: Back yet again.. Check this out..
Posted by *Poison on Wed Jul 10 16:07:49 2002 (#4792)

that is bullshit. what did you tell your boss that you would do it? if i were you i would say something like "if these were burns from a fire would you still be acting so childish?" people act funny just because we inflict harm upon ourselves. if it makes people uneasy well screw them, they need to learn how to deal with it. it's not like your turning away clients because of your arms.

Amanda

Re: Back yet again.. Check this out..
Posted by LOST on Wed Jul 10 19:20:37 2002 (#4795)

Hey, I don't think you should wear long sleeves at all. I have the same type of problem. I work for a school district (a bunch of angry old ladies that hate their lives) and I have 6 piercings on my face and it is seen as VERY unprofessional. My boss lets me wear them and doesn't have a problem at all BUT a lot of other people do and have told her that I need to take them out blah blah blah. I was even terminated from a few substitute positions because of them. BUT I'm holding steady (i actually keep getting more) and I continue to wear them everywhere in the district. Sometimes I've cried about it and almost taken them all out... but its a battle worth fighting i think. Just because other people are close-minded, doesnt mean that you should hide who you are. That's bullshit laura and u know it. I even think that if it comes down to long sleeves or being fired, you should leave because no one should be discriminated against or feel less than anyone else (especially in the work place) because of something that is a part of them. I refuse to give into ignorance and close-mindedness... and i think you should too. SHIT girl, you've been through WAY worse than someone not liking something about you... we both know that. By the way, how are you girl!????? I miss u :) e-mail me maybe or something

Re: Back yet again.. Check this out..
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Jul 11 02:21:13 2002 (#4801)

Okay, here's a smartass reply from little old me.
Tell them to get educated(?) about SI and maybe
they won't be so uncomfortable. Or better yet, if
there is someone there that bothers you, tell them to change something because it bothers you.
Maybe I shouldn't say things like that, but it
really pisses me off to her that people are
"uncomfortable" with something and expect that
person to be the one to change. If you're at ease
with the scars on your arms, don't worry. Of course, if it was me in that position, words would
have been said right then and there. Tell them to
join the real world. I bet they have problems like
anybody else. Okay, that said, hang in there honey. I believe in you. Take care of yourself.
LOve ya, Rhonda

Re: Back yet again.. Check this out..
Posted by Maggie on Thu Jul 11 14:06:14 2002 (#4814)

Hi Laura Rose,
Remember me? It's Maggie from 2-3 years ago.
I don't really post here anymore, but check in from time to time. I'm doing very well right now... SI-free, therapist-free and HAPPY.
I spent November to March visiting the USA, and I spent a couple of months with NUNI. She is an amazing person, and is also doing well.
I think your boss was out of line asking you to wear long sleeves all the time... if people have a problem, they don't have to look! If your scars had been caused in a car accident or another unfortunate incident, they wouldn't even consider mentioning their discomfort. It should be no different with SI-caused scars.
You should tell her this... I think it's almost harrasment.
Give my love to H and your son.

Take care,
Luv Maggie.

Re: Back yet again.. Check this out..
Posted by *me* on Thu Jul 11 16:19:41 2002 (#4818)

ARGH I HATE PEOPLE!!!! Not all people, but just the STUPID ones. Don't listen to her, if you have gotten to the point where you are comfortable enough to SHOW your scars, you don't have to change that for ANYONE. I know that I personally can't even imagine showing my scars, and I think that it's FABULOUS that you feel able to do that. Just because some woman who is probably very ignorant about SI is "uncomfortable" does not mean that you have to change who you are!!!! And I agree with LOST, if it comes down to you wearing long sleeves or being fired, QUIT. Or sue them for discrimation or harrassment or something. This is crap and it makes me very angry! Stay strong, Laura, and hold your ground! They're in the wrong here.

BROKEN GIRL
Posted by nobody on Wed Jul 10 07:58:11 2002 (#4788)

like i said before thats the same for me and im glad im not alone! we can get thru this together! thanx for writting so i dont feel so alone it really meant a lot to me and i dont even know u!
luv ya, nobody

Re: BROKEN GIRL
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 11 12:56:05 2002 (#4810)

Hi
I'm glad it helped, I hate feeling alone but loneliness is a large part of my life at the moment.
PLEASE email me if you want to, I'd love to talk. Your right, we'll get thrpugh this together!
Love Ella

sorry
Posted by Eleanor on Wed Jul 10 19:51:36 2002 (#4796)

hey guys.
i'm really sorry i haven't replied to some of your posts. I'm not good at the moment and it's hard for me to write anything. I just didn't want you to think i was ignoring anybody.
Love to all, el x

Re: sorry
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jul 11 01:49:53 2002 (#4799)

Don't worry about it. You're doing all you can, and thats all we can ask of you. Wanting more would be in vain, because we each do the best we can.
~Lone~

Re: sorry
Posted by Rhonda on Thu Jul 11 02:13:41 2002 (#4800)

What's going on honey? Anything I can do to help?
Just know that I'm here if you need me. Take care
sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: sorry
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 11 19:47:43 2002 (#4832)

Don't apologise, contribute when you can, it is not legally binding!!!LOL!!!

Use the board for the help you need as well as helping others!!! It is a two way thing.

Nicke.

P.S. Mail me if you need.

just a little randomn
Posted by scaredinthedark on Thu Jul 11 03:51:47 2002 (#4802)

hey everyone, how are you all doing? i haven't been here in a while. i'm glad i'm here though. well on sum wavelengths anyways. the fact that i'm back here means that i started cutting again but i'm glad to see there are new people and the same old people i remember. well greetings to all the new people and i hope yur all doing ok and hi to all the old people i'm sure glad to see yur names again. well that's really all i wanted to write. i hope you all read this. i'll ttyl8a. <3 always, scaredinthedark

Re: just a little randomn
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jul 11 16:57:01 2002 (#4820)

hey sweetie!
it's good to hear from you, I missed you :-)
Take care of yourself hunni.
Love you loads,
El x

Re: just a little randomn
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 11 19:49:11 2002 (#4833)

Well hello, I don't know if you were here when I started to come here again, so HEY!

If you need to chat or anything then email me!

Nicke

Re: just a little randomn
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 12 01:56:26 2002 (#4859)

hi sweetie
Im sorry youve gone back to cutting, I have too..although I suppose its something thatwas inevidable(?) for me atleast.
take care
you know we are here for you anytime
*hugs*
KAT

Re: just a little randomn
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Jul 12 02:23:49 2002 (#4861)

Hey honey, glad to see you back. Sorry you've started cutting again. Email me and tell me how
you've been doing. Take care sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

stream of conciousness...
Posted by Vapor on Thu Jul 11 04:02:00 2002 (#4803)

i've forgotten who i was, when i ever saw the sun, where the world will start, where life will end, getting thoughts of blastin me, life passin me, no fuckin clarity, heels in the air, too scared to move, fallen angels, risen demons temptin me, night after night, losin sleep over this, tortured mind, tortured soul, now i lay me down to sleep, i pray me never to wake, cause i cant deal with the fake, never know why, never know what, please, tell me what i see, why i must be, what will come true...

Re: stream of conciousness...
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 11 17:08:35 2002 (#4827)

Exactly how I feel...

Re: stream of conciousness...
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 11 19:51:20 2002 (#4834)

That was a good piece of writing, it sounds sad though, are you having a bad day?

Writing is a good release, a way to get your feelings out.

Email me, cos I don't have your email but would like to offer you support if you need it or just an ear for listening.

Nicke

Re: stream of conciousness...
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jul 11 20:56:08 2002 (#4842)

((((HUGGGLES VAPOR))))
Hang in there sport. I'll e-mail ya k??
~Lone~

ashes
Posted by mego on Thu Jul 11 05:13:22 2002 (#4805)

old scars re open to make new cuts that bleed//i take a couple hits of what i need//cigarette falls to the floor and lights up a blaze//i stumble around in a purple haze//pictures turn to ash and fall to the floor//they burn up and leave memories i dont want anymore//all the smiles and laughter that seemed so real//my skin melts but i dont feel//i just stare at everything burning up//and i wish i were ready to give up//and take away all the pain//never again to be called insane//only my memory that will burn in the ashes//and cover up my cry when lightning crashes//but that time isn't now//i don't know how//i still go on//this is taking too long//still my black heart wont give in//and pumps blood up through my skin//still i feel the razor blade kiss//but my vision is blurred in the red mist//and i still cry out silently//choking on the ashes of your memory

Re: ashes
Posted by nobody on Thu Jul 11 07:09:01 2002 (#4809)

thats a really good poem, if u ever need to talk were all here for ya! -nobody

Re: ashes
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jul 11 16:58:44 2002 (#4821)

your writing is still as wonderful as you are. love you loads girl. x

Re: ashes
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 11 17:05:30 2002 (#4824)

Hi
I love your poems, I can always empathise with the situations and emotions.
Hope everything is alright,
Love Ella x

Re: ashes
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 11 19:52:51 2002 (#4835)

That was beautiful and brought a tear to my eye.

Can I use this for my project???? If you don't mind.

Nicke

Re: ashes
Posted by mego on Thu Jul 11 20:09:03 2002 (#4841)

yeah, thats fine, please just dont put my name in it.

Re: ashes
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 11 21:20:57 2002 (#4844)

wow that was really amazing, I REALLLY liked that poem.
great stuff
take care
love KAT

Me!
Posted by No-Named-Guy on Thu Jul 11 05:54:57 2002 (#4806)

I've lurked around the board 4 a while now, posted a few times (under the name Rather Not Say), but i decided to actually come out and talk now. I guess I should tell you about myself.Im 16. Ive been SI-ing for about 3 years. Ive been "cut-free" for 1 month. I know its not long but i still feel accomplished. anyway, just thought i'd introduce myself. Take care everyone!

Re: Me!
Posted by mego on Thu Jul 11 06:21:15 2002 (#4807)

hey, welcome, i guess. you're around my age, i'm 15 and i think i started all this shit when i was around 13 too, but i'm not sure, could have been 12. props to you for not cutting for so long. good luck. i was wondering if you have any advise at all on how to stop. are you goin to talk to anyone or on any meds or anything?? you don't have to answer if you don't want, its cool. if you ever need to talk, send me mail or if i'm online my AIM thing is megox182x. good luck.

Re: Me!
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 11 13:04:24 2002 (#4812)

Hi, I'm fourteen, depressed since twelve and cutting at thirteen. Never really stopped to be honest, tried it for a week and fell apart, so a month is a long time for me!
Welcome to the board, if you ever want to email me or anything then feel free.
Love Ella

Re: Me!
Posted by Sam on Thu Jul 11 14:58:50 2002 (#4815)

Hey-

Welcome! (Ahh, feel the cheesiness!) I'm also 16 and have been SIing for about 3 years.

Where are you from? I live near Chicago, but people on this board are from all over.

Ummmm...yeah.

Sam

PS - My name's Samantha actually; some people have the idea that I'm a guy cuz of the Sam thing.

Re: Me!
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jul 11 17:01:27 2002 (#4822)

hey.
I'm 17 and have been cutting for about 2 and a half years or something like that. don't know exactly. I've also not cut for a month...yeay! it's the longest i've ever gone and it's been hell so you have all my sympathy :-)
well, speak to you later hun.
loadsa love, el x

Re: Me!
Posted by No-Named-Guy on Thu Jul 11 19:08:24 2002 (#4829)

Thanx 4 all the replies. I feel loved. I live in Tennessee,for whoever asked(cant remember, and to lazy to go back and look) On stopping, i found some other ways to calm down, likke hold an ice cube in each hand. It's kinda painful but its not harmful. I also wore a rubber band around my wrist and popped myself with it. It leaves a mark for a good while (since alot of people enjoy admiring the scars) and its not harmful. Good Luck to everyone trying to quit! Love, peace, and chicken grease!

Re: Me!
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 11 19:55:16 2002 (#4837)

Thought I would offer a late hello and welcome to the board.

Email me if you need anything, I would be happy to help if i can.

Nicke

Re: Me!
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Thu Jul 11 21:10:21 2002 (#4843)

I'm a little late, but who gives a shit. I've had the worst night of my life...my first run in with physical abuse. Lucky me. It's not enough i put up with all the emotional crap is it? *sighs* I'm 16..been cutting the last year. I can go on for some time before i cut agian...but i usually end up getting hurt before i do...so anyway...welcome and i hope i see ya around more often.
~Lone~

Re: Me!
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 11 21:22:31 2002 (#4845)

Hello, welcome.I hope you feel comfortable here,
well you said youve been lurking so I suppose you know what this place is all about.
take care

:)
KAT

same old shit
Posted by nobody on Thu Jul 11 07:06:54 2002 (#4808)

hey guys. every night i realize more and more how fucked up my life really is. none of my friends really care about me and even if they do they dont show it at all. every night is the same shit just realizing different things like i have no good friends and that no1 cares about me. i dont cut but i know the first time i ever do it i will for sure kill myself and im scared because im getting to that point.

Re: same old shit
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 11 13:00:33 2002 (#4811)

Hi
Yet again, your thoughts mirror mine. I have had this headache for days and I cant take anything because I know that if I do, the temptation to OD will grow to much...
Ella x

Re: same old shit
Posted by Sam on Thu Jul 11 15:04:49 2002 (#4816)

HHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGG!! !!!!!!! I completely know where you're coming from.

You say that nobody really shows they love you, and I've thought/said the same thing for years. Recently, though, I had this moment of clarity, and I thought, do I show people I love them.

It takes a lot of strength and some courage to do that, but it has really helped my mental state, because people respond positively to feelings of loving, caring, etc. I guess it's sort of a Golden Rule do-unto-others kind of thing.

If you haven't cut,PLEASE don't. It's like trying heroin for the first time. It's a thrill for a moment, spiraling lower and lower into some disgusting addiction.

Stay safe, and feel free to e'mail if you need help with anything.

Love,
Sam

Re: same old shit
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jul 11 17:03:12 2002 (#4823)

You sound so like me it's scary apart from the not cutting part. If you've never cut then please don't because it's like an addiction and is hell to stop.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) )))))
El xxxx

Re: same old shit
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 11 19:57:42 2002 (#4838)

Please don't cut, especially if you haven't cut before. It will send you on a downward spiral...find other ways of releasing...I am going to buy a punch bag to beat up when I get angry.

If you need to chat the email me.

Nicke

Re: same old shit
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 11 21:24:31 2002 (#4846)

I know what it feels like when it seems all your friends have abondoned you and you have really no one in the world, but turst me, things get ebtter with help.
Im sorry your goin through this shit, but Im glad you havent started cutting I urge you to get some help, talk to someone tell them how you are feeling as soon as you can because it will help out so much, turning to cutting is turning your life over to another killing disease. please be careful
take care
KAT

talked to mum...
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 11 13:11:55 2002 (#4813)

*shaking*
I finally talked to her.
She's ringing the doctor today.
No meds ever. But different therapies. Group stuff etc. But at least I'll have a little more support.
*shaking*
Didnt tell her I'm still cutting or about th suicidleness.
Didnt have the energy... Im so tired. She cried. I feel guilty. Will tell her the rest today though. I owe her the truth at least.
She kept saying we all feel like this from time to time. Its what being a teenager is like. I couldnt get through to her.
Oh well. Im getting more support.
pessimistic or what?
haha, wish I had something to laugh about.
Ella x

Re: talked to mum...
Posted by *me* on Thu Jul 11 16:26:38 2002 (#4819)

Hey, congrats on talking to your mom! I can't even imagine talking to my mom...and if I did I can't imagine her doing anything. So you're gigantic steps ahead of me. Be proud of yourself. Lots of love, take care and stay safe.

Re: talked to mum...
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jul 11 17:06:28 2002 (#4825)

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))) )))))))))))))
I'm glad you finally did it hun. At least you aren't completely alone now. It's still hard when they don't really understand though huh?
I love you loads angel.
I'm sorry I didn't reply to your last email, i've not been writing to anybody for a while cause i've been really bad recently. I'll write you soon though.
sending you all my love!
El xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Re: talked to mum...
Posted by Broken Girl on Thu Jul 11 17:07:35 2002 (#4826)

Hi
Sorry, I think I've cheated you all. I didnt tell her about the continuing self harm and suicidle tendencies. Just about the progressing of this depression and the sadness which paralizes me.
Sorry,
Love Ella x

Re: talked to mum...
Posted by Marie on Thu Jul 11 18:57:33 2002 (#4828)

That's a really brave thin! You should be proud of yourself. I have never been able to really talk to my family about anything. I hate it. I've tried to talk to my brother, but he just spilled everything to my parents and now we talk even less than we used to. It's so frusterating. I'm really glad you were able to talk to your family, and it's good that she's trying to get you help.

Re: talked to mum...
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 11 19:46:12 2002 (#4831)

I made Rissotto and everyone hated it!!! that should make you laugh.

I am glad that you talked to your mum, she may not understand what it is like but then no one does unless they go through it...anything she does now is an improvement on what it was like before.

I hope things get better for you and the therapy works out. I think meds are good to take the edge of things, but therapy helps you get to the root of the problem.

Get the doctor to explain that it is more than just teenage angst!!!

Email me if you want hun, haven't heard from you in a while!

Nicke

Re: talked to mum...
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 11 21:26:23 2002 (#4847)

Hey good luck on the doc. Im glad your mom took it okay, her crying is normal and you cant control her feelings so try not to feel guilty.
I hope everything works out for the best for you Ella, you are certainly a person who deserves the best.
take care
love you
*hugs*
KAT

Re: talked to mum...
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Jul 12 02:18:25 2002 (#4860)

I'm sure that took so much courage, I'm proud of you. You've taken the first step. If you ever need
any kind of help, just let me know. Take it one
day at a time. You'll make it, I have faith in
you. Take care of yourself.
Love ya, Rhonda

feeling strange
Posted by Sam on Thu Jul 11 19:15:40 2002 (#4830)

In the past, I've been depressed more than I'd like to admit, but lately I've been feeling "strange." I sometimes surprise myself at how ridiculously I act. I think instead of just being depressed, I'm acdtually crazy.

EVERYTHING SETS ME OFF.

My printer was jammed, so I cried and threw a temper tantrum.

I couldn't get a penny out of my wallet to pay the exact amount for milk, so I shoved it over the counter at the cashier and stormed out.

My boyfriend and I were...ummm...you know, and I started crying and told him he'd better go home.

A customer where I worked was staring at my arms (I think), and I started screaming, I DID IT TO MYSELF, OK?! I'M A FREAK!! (I got sent home early, but I still have a job.)

Can ANYBODY PLEASE tell me thay can relate? I'm getting so frustrated and scared and hateful of myself.

please.

Sam

Re: feeling strange
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 11 20:02:03 2002 (#4839)

I can relate.

My understanding of it is that at times when you are particularly low, your temper is frayed or shorter. (well mine is anyway)

Anger is tied in with depression, they are sadly all related, like the whole family gangs up on you when you are at your most vulnerable.

Nicke.

Email me if you need.

Re: feeling strange
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 11 21:28:29 2002 (#4848)

sounds lik everything thats been building up over this time now is starting to seep out in one form or another. It's not good at all I, sure you know that, but maybe talk to someone about it. Or right after you do something like that take a minute and think about what was it that reallly upset you and maybe see if theres a pattern in whats triggering you.
take care
I know what its like to feel crazy, its VERY scary.
be careful
love
KAT

Why
Posted by *Poison on Thu Jul 11 19:54:40 2002 (#4836)

i picked up a new book about self injury yesterday it's called "women who hurt themselves" i don't like how it's guided tward women because men also harm themselves but hey it's a book. i haven't cut myself since my last setback about 2 weeks ago but lately i've been wondering why do we have to stop? it seems like it's always this big important thing. but i like my scars, they remind me of how strong (or weak) i am. of what i've been through. as much as i want to go deeper and deeper i never do because i get scared that i won't be able to stop the bleeding and get to a phone in time. right now i'm not at the point where i want to die (right now anyways) i just wanna cut myself relieve some tension and stress. feel some type of emotion (if you can call cutting yourself an emotion) so why is cutting such a bad thing? because i could POTENTIALLY seriously hurt myself? because other people don't like to look at my scars? those don't seem like very viable reasons to me. i don't know i just don't see the point in trying to stop. maybe i'm just losing hope.

Amanda

Re: Why
Posted by Nicke on Thu Jul 11 20:05:22 2002 (#4840)

Cutting is a good coping mechanism in the SHORTEST sense, in that in the short term, if it makes you feel better then it is okay. However, in the long term it has the potential to be destructive. You have to SEE into the future i.e. make plans, want to BE in the future, to want to stop.

I hope I am making sense, mail me if you need.

Nicke

Re: Why
Posted by KAT on Thu Jul 11 21:31:16 2002 (#4849)

losing hope is natural in this shit and unfortunatly its not a very good way to go.

I have that bookalso, its alright, I dont remember most of it, tell me if you like it.

I dont think that we HAVE to stop, but why did we start in the first place, its not a naturalthing, its not something that will help heal whatever is going on, its just like drugs and smoking, you dont have to stop but if you want to live healthy its a good idea.Its really hard struggle so dont feel bad, 2 weeks is a long time!!
Just take care, and for every reason you can find not to stop Im sure theres 2 more that can be justified to make you stop.
take care
-always-
KAT

Re: Why
Posted by *Poison on Thu Jul 11 22:54:21 2002 (#4851)

I think maybe i'm acting like this because i really really want to cut myself. i just don't see why i should stop. i've been cutting for almost 4 years now and if it has kept me alive this long i just don't see the bad side of it. i never really have. i don't know i have a meeting with my therapist tonight maybe i'll get up enough courage to talk to her about it. i doubt it though because my parents are going to be there.

Amanda

Re: Why
Posted by Jamie on Thu Jul 11 23:11:40 2002 (#4852)

*poison: i can completely understand what you're talking about, i've never really seen the bad side of it either....maybe theres no point in trying...just go one way or the other with no questions...i'm sorry, i don't know if i'm making sense, but i'm just so tired...i can't hold myself up any more

just can't do this any more
Posted by Eleanor on Thu Jul 11 21:47:22 2002 (#4850)

I'm so scared. I've never felt so depressed or alone. I've not cut for about a month but I know that i'm going to. I've been thinking about dying. I always swore that i'd never do to anyone else what my friend did to me, but i don't think anybody would really care. I hurt so much. Today i was watching a bee flying around my head. It settled on this flower and started collecting the nectar but the rain drops on the rose made it's wings heavy and it rolled off the petals into a puddle. I could see it struggling to get out of the water, fighting against the heavy dampness that was clogging it's wings and senses and preventing it from breaking free. I helped the bee out of the water and let it fly again. I only wish somebody would rescue me.

i'm sorry. i really can't do this anymore

Re: just can't do this any more
Posted by Sam on Thu Jul 11 23:30:08 2002 (#4853)

Oh, don't make me cry! I've been in your situation a few times, and all I can offer is that I'm here whenever you need rescuing. PLEASE e-mail me if you feel yourself sinking. I can't stand the thought of another person admitting defeat to the world. You're strong.

Love,
Sam

el xxx
Posted by She on Thu Jul 11 23:54:09 2002 (#4855)

El
Through the past year youve helped me and so many other people so much your so presiouse to me.
I never thourght it would be possible to connect with someone so much without even meeting you but I feel closer to you then i do to people ive known all my life i've told you somethings that Im scared to even thing about and you have been so supportive to me .
you are the most amazing person i know and i love you so so much el please dont sink n e futher people like you make the world seame a little better .
Im gonna light a canddle for you today .
My thourght are gonna be with you allways .
Love you forever .
Flowers huggs love and healing
She~b

Re: just can't do this any more
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 12 01:06:13 2002 (#4856)

El!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ive been where you are so manyfucking times, and It does honestly feel like theres no other way, but its time like these that you can do this on your own anymore. Maybe seek a temp hsopital if you canor something, somebody! Its hard when no one understands, but you need help right now to get you through this time because its time like these that are fatal, and sad, and un necessary.
Im here to talk, and so is everyone else. I know !!! we cant helpover the internet but we can try.
please keep trying sweetie
love you
*hugs*
KAT

Re: just can't do this any more
Posted by liverpoolfc on Fri Jul 12 01:31:40 2002 (#4857)

Please don't do anything to seriously harm yourself. Of course people would care. I always wonder if anybody would care if I killed myself and I don't think anybody would but it haunts me to think what if somebody really did care and then I hurt them. And plus everybody here would care. We are all going through the same sort of thing and to know that one was lost would hurt us all.

Re: just can't do this any more
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Jul 12 02:27:18 2002 (#4862)

Eleanor,
Email me and tell me how I can help you. PLease!
Take care sweetie.
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: I care el, please...
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 13 12:42:46 2002 (#4895)

Oh eleanor,
I feel exactly the same, but we cant give up, neither of us.
I care about you SO much eleanor, please is there something I can do? All of us care for you.
If there is anyway I can help you please tell me.
Email me, please.
Love Ella x

conflicting thoughts
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 12 01:52:16 2002 (#4858)

maybe this isnt the best place to talk about this, but it has led to me cutting again, and more then I have before( although not nearly as deep.)...
okay so Ive told some of you, I have problems with eating and my mind tells me one thing and my parents tell me another, I dont think my mom has caught on yet that Ive got something wrong with me, more then cutting, more then suicidalthoughts, more then manic depression, something thats so over powering I cant handle it.
I guess aneating disorder you would say, but Im not seeing it as that, just a fucked up thing thats eating away at me "ironically"
..well I mean I told my therapist I had starved myself because I wanted to lose weight and she kind of brushed it off and made a joke about it, I laughed but inside I wanted to cry my eyes out.
So I see her tomorrow and I dont know if I should talk to her about this, for me to go in another hospital is NOT an option, I dont know,this thing is so much more powerfulthen cutting or my depression, and it just add.s
i need help

sorry this was long

KAT

Re: conflicting thoughts
Posted by Rhonda on Fri Jul 12 02:29:59 2002 (#4863)

Oh KAT,
I wish I had some magic words to help you out, but
all I can say is I'm here for you. If you need to
talk, just email me okay? Take care honey.
Love ya lots, Rhonda

Re: conflicting thoughts
Posted by *Poison on Fri Jul 12 03:15:28 2002 (#4864)

KAT: i can raleate to you with the eating disorder thing and how much more powerful it is than the cutting. to me it gives me such a rush to know that i am physically empty, it just makes me feel better, and i also go through periods of not eating to lose weight. i can relate to you. your not alone. try to talk to your therapist about options you can choose without going into the hospital again. there has to be at least one

hope this helped

Amanda

Re: conflicting thoughts
Posted by Erryn on Sat Jul 13 02:13:01 2002 (#4887)

im sorry about that i hope you feel better and if you need to talk just write okay xxxErryn

should i even be here?
Posted by Jamie on Fri Jul 12 06:50:48 2002 (#4865)

hi...i've been around this site for awhile, posting some stuff, just never really introducing myself..i thought i'd do that now, uhh well...i'm jamie...i'm 14...from the twin cities in MN ..and i've been cutting for about 8 months now...seeing a psycotherapist, and i'm about to get started on wellbutrin...
to be honest: i've started feeling really kinda out of place here...i mean i've got a lot of shit going on in my life..but i read some of the posts and i think oh my god, who am i to be fucked like this? i can completely relate to how a lot of you are feeling...but i just keep thinking i'm not important enough here...i see what you're all going through, aside from cutting...and i think that you all have to suffer so much...i'm in no place to complain, but then w/ friends, they all think i have a terrible life..i just don't know if i deserve to be speaking to you people...or relating to you, cuz i feel like...i'm at the beginning and spiraling downward...i've never been to a hospital...my cutting isn't so public, my life isn't over i know...im just so addicted to this....ahh fuck it, i'm sorry you guys...this didn't make much sense...i just needed to say something...i'm so sorry if i was being offensive
i love you all: jamie

Re: should i even be here?
Posted by jill on Fri Jul 12 09:36:43 2002 (#4867)

yes u should be...

Re: should i even be here?
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Fri Jul 12 11:24:28 2002 (#4868)

stay please

~lone~

Re: should i even be here?
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 12 18:19:28 2002 (#4872)

Ah, Imsorry you feel that way, None of what you said is something that doesnt deserve to be here. Theres people here who dont even cut but are here to support us and for support, its a place for support and help.dont worry about it.
Cutting is something that can be just as muchhell in the first few months as it can be in the last few years,you know?
iT never stops if you dont try and stop, it.

welbutrins a good medication, Im on it, take care and please feel free ANYTIME to talkabout ANYTHING here with us.
love
KAT

Re: should i even be here?
Posted by Erryn on Sat Jul 13 02:10:44 2002 (#4886)

you are okay to be here just like us, if your a cutter than you are like us, even if you dont cut, sometimes i think it would be nice to here from them to. anyways the more people here the better, if you need anything just write okay, oh my names Erryn, im 26 ive been cutting for 11 yrs and im from ohio. take care xxxErryn

Re: Yes!
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 13 12:39:31 2002 (#4894)

Yes you should.

Im fourteen too, I've been cutting for a year and a half. Sometimes I feel I have no right to feel depressed, I've never been abused only witnessed it. My mum keeps asking me why, but there isnt one reason, there are thousands yet at the same time there is no reason at all.

Please stay.

There doesnt have to be a reason, everyone has the right to feel emotions of every extreme without justifying themselfs.

Love Ella x

Re: should i even be here?
Posted by . on Sat Jul 13 17:16:28 2002 (#4897)

HIya :)
Yeah sure you should be here we all have our own stories and differences The great thing about Psyke is that the people are so welcoming and open mindedEverybodiy is suffering in different ways for different reasons but everyone here can all reallate to one and other and give amazing support and love.
Please stay
If you ever want to talk feel free to e mail me at
The _sweet_Addiction@ hotmail.com
Loads of love
She

Jamie you are welcome here
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 15 05:04:22 2002 (#4929)

I think I am one of those you that makes you feel different and I'm sorry that I do. I don't mean to cause anyone pain. I share a lot of my history yet very little of my current stuff, but I do share that my health has not been good.

I often question if I should be here especially with me not curently cutting. I have just alway felt that when my body is feeling bad I don't need to hurt it, because it is doing that on its own.

But this new caseworker I am seeing has made me see I need this place to keep from cutting. I wig out and cut. I cut for no reason as often as I cut for specific reasons. Sometime I cut just to FEEL. If you self harm it made be years or even decades before you uncover and understand the reason why you need to cut to get through what ever you are going through.

Please stay we need you. I need you. It teaches me a lot to here you young people talk about your lives and your feelings. I retrace my life because of people like you and I can honestly say that had I been cutting when I was your age I would not have lived to be 50. Hell I wouldn't have lived to be 15. So keep coming and talking and maybe it won't take as long for you find the peace I have. bye. :)... Dawn

Re: Jamie you are welcome here
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 15 13:28:22 2002 (#4931)

Of course you should be here and i'm glad that you are.
take care,
Love always, el x

Re: Jamie you are welcome here
Posted by Jamie on Wed Jul 17 17:21:50 2002 (#5005)

hi i don't really know how to respond to everything, but thankyou for being so welcoming
luv always, jamie

Please help!
Posted by Angie on Fri Jul 12 07:52:30 2002 (#4866)

I have recently met someone who is a cutter and I am a little confused on what I should do. I care about this person very much, and I know that they have been through things, although I don't know what yet. I know that if he's comfortable talking about it with me, then he will, but I guess I was wondering if I should approach him and talk to him about it, or not push it. It's kind of hard sometimes because I'm trying to understand this problem, but being someone who has never been around this, it's a real eye-opener and I feel like if I say something wrong, I'm not trying to hurt his feelings, I just don't know about it. I guess I'm just wondering what another cutter would want someone in my position to do. And, I'm also wondering if people think that this is just a passing phase or if it's something that will stay with a person forever? If there is anything else that someone could say to help me better understand, I'd really appreciate it because I want to know about this. If I've said anything to offend anybody, I apologize in advance. Thanks for your help!

Re: Please help!
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 12 18:25:10 2002 (#4873)

I know for me it's a very scary subject to talk to people about who arent getting paid to listen to me, so I think maybe just wait to say anything, unless you see that hes getting depressed or low, or maybe just say thatyou are there for him no matter what, because in saying thatthat will apply for cutting too.
Its a great thing you still want to be around this person even after their cutting, a lot of people would have left, I know, and thats something that drives people to cut even more...well me.

Im sure for some people it's an isolated part in their life when things werent going so well and that was their only escape at the time, to cut, but I do know for some people cutting is essential IN A WAY, and they cant function in hard times without that coping skill they picked up along the way. It's possible thatcutting can be a phase in a persons life, but I dont think cutting is just some kind of phase like teenagers go through, because of course theres more then just teenagers cutting themselfs, and hurting themselfs to live.
hope that helped

-KAT

Re: Please help!
Posted by Erryn on Sat Jul 13 02:06:27 2002 (#4885)

just be there for him, dont push him to talk, becuz if hes not ready then it could cause him to be distant. also dont tell him he needs to stop and things like that cuz it will probably upset him to. when people do this there is something deep and scary for the person. just be there and be ready to talk. good luck xxErryn

Re: Please help!
Posted by Sam on Fri Jul 12 19:35:29 2002 (#4876)

I definitely think you should approach him, but it has to be done in a way that's at least somewhat comfortable for him. Here's my idea of dos and don'ts:

DO:
**approach him when you are both calm and alone
**tell him you're concerned for his well being
**listen to what he has to say
**suggest he talk to someone, and/or even join this board
**offer your personal help as a supplement to professional help
**tell someone if he gets worse

DON'T:
**be angry or pushy
**force him to get help if he's not ready
**promise not to tell anybody
**make assumptions about why he does it
**blame him, yourself, or anyone else for his actions

Hope I could be of some help. Good luck.

Sam

Re: Please help!
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 12 21:34:42 2002 (#4879)

I am 50 now. I started ctting when I was 36 and haven't cut for 6-8 months. I didn't think cutting was a phase before, but now I do because I don't cut anymore. However, that does not garuntee that I never will again. It is a coping skill that does something nothing else does. It is like exhaling a deep breath. It is calming and soothing. It is a release of emotions that are too difficult to bear any other way.

The list of do's and don'ts is a good one. Me I have a "boyfriend" for lack of a better word whom I met from a telephone service for bring two people together about 4 years ago. He has help me through a lot and has contriputed greatly to get me through the cutting phase of my recovery. His being my friend and support even when I cut has been wonderful. He accepts me and the fact that I cut and although he is never present he remains constant in relationship. When I need for be with me he is 24/7. I have had counselors tell me I'd always be alone, but Paul has proved them wrong. He made friends with me. He took that extra step let me know he was here for me whenever I need him to be and when put to the test in a real crisis he proved true. A true friend is always there in spite of the emotional or general hardship. Paul is the epitome of friendship because met a cutter. And has stayes friends with a cutter for 4 years. Neither of us want to marry, but our lives are intertwined. That is the best help anyone can give. BE there!!! Let your friend know you are aware of the cutting and you are not going anywhere. And stay close so when testing comes you too can prove you are on his side.

Email me if you have anymore ?s. hugs Dawn

anyone around?
Posted by stranger in the night on Fri Jul 12 16:22:17 2002 (#4869)

i really need to talk........

Re: anyone around?
Posted by She on Fri Jul 12 16:36:49 2002 (#4870)

Im here donna you ok ??
love you
She

Re: anyone around?
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 12 18:27:00 2002 (#4874)

Im here, but Im probably late. sorry
hope you are okay

-KAT

I love you alllllll
Posted by . on Fri Jul 12 16:41:40 2002 (#4871)

Ok i really wanted to write this so i did ..
I LOVVVE YOU ALLLLLLL SO SO SO SO SO much
Thank you alllllllllll for being wonderfull it means so much knowing you have been here for me thankyou :)
Love you forever
She~b

Re: I love you alllllll
Posted by KAT on Fri Jul 12 18:27:51 2002 (#4875)

thank you as well.
stay strong

*hugs*
KAT

Re: I love you toooooooo!
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 13 12:34:24 2002 (#4893)

SHE!!!
I lOVE YOU SO MUCH! I'VE MISSED YOU! haha, how are you doing man?
((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)) ))))))))))))))))))))
Love Ella x

Re: I love you toooooooo!
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jul 13 19:50:36 2002 (#4902)

I love you more....... x

Re: I love you alllllll
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jul 13 20:45:18 2002 (#4905)

I love you too honey. Take care of yourself.
LOve ya lots, Rhonda

Me too I love you all
Posted by Dawn on Tue Jul 16 01:29:20 2002 (#4953)

I am sure glad we care so much for each other. I see how much support we give each other and I am in awe of how the dynamic works here. Its like teeter totter......Love Dawn :)

catch 22
Posted by LOST on Fri Jul 12 19:52:42 2002 (#4877)

it's really wierd because the fact that we all hate our selves and cut ourselves up and have been through hell and back 12,000 times and WANT TO DIE actually makes other people want to live and visa versa (sp) Its like a fuckn catch 22... we all keep eachother alive, yet none of us want to live. I just kind of think its wierd. (and before anyone gets crazy and tries to talk shit or whatever about what i just said... NOTICE that i neither said it was a GOOD thing nor a BAD thing... merely an observation.)

Re: catch 22
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sat Jul 13 01:38:49 2002 (#4881)

i think that idea or ovservation is a good one. i see your point. you're very smart. good job. take care. <3 always, scaredinthedark

Re: catch 22
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 13 12:32:28 2002 (#4892)

Hi
I agree, the concept is strange. I'm going to tell my mum I want to die so I can get help and stay alive, yet another case of catch22. Have you read the book, I loved it...
Ella x

Re: catch 22
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 15 01:49:54 2002 (#4920)

I noticed that a year ago. I think it is incredible how it works out like that each one of us is supported the other.
Another observation is that often how one harms themselves often shocks another whom harms another way. For instance when I was heavy into cutting I met a girl who burned herself with cigs. My response wasto shutter, which is what she did when I told her I use scissors. Just and observation. Think about it.

Re: catch 22
Posted by LOST on Mon Jul 15 18:16:35 2002 (#4937)

yeah! i would do that too... i liked more dull pain rather than sharp pain. (scraping my skin in the same place for so long with something blunt that it would turn into a thick, but not deep hole) But when i'd hear of people using razor blades! it would make me cringe! i still can't take the thought of razors! good observation

Re: catch 22
Posted by ~Lone WOlf~ on Tue Jul 16 00:38:50 2002 (#4948)

I use a razor blade...see to me doign what you do makes me crindge. *shivers*
~Lone~

Hi, report on my health
Posted by Dawn on Fri Jul 12 21:06:41 2002 (#4878)

A few of you have emailed me worried about my health, so I thought I'd give you and update.

My health has been so bad my doctor is afraid I needed a blood transfusion. And my kidneys were not working as well as they should, neiter is my liver, gallbladder and colon, so I've been staring death in the face. My bone marrow is also laying down on the job. But I have not cut.

Yesterday I saw an ear, nose, and throat specialist. My hearing was tested and I had lost 10% of my hearing and have a condition know as Tinnitus. Which is a constant ringing of the ears.

Two days befre the test I had no hearing in my right ear for over two weeks and the racket in my head was drivig me crazy. Then suddenly some hearing came back, and the test revealed even more so I am hopeful that the noise will go away. The treatment of this disorder is soothing music to counter act the noise and deep breath exercised to help me cope with both the hearing loss and the noise.
My doctor recieved the lastest report form the lab which showed an IMPROVEMENT with my kidney function. But I still am not well. From what the doctors know it appears that my diabetes is culprate that is killing me slowly.

Frankly I do not know if I should (I hate that word) keep coming here because I'm not where you all are. I'm over the cutting and suicide phase of my recovery and I am afraid I wont be the support you want because living is not a game of do I hurt my body or take my life because lots of others did. or as a means to avoid my feelings by distracting me from them.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying (like the world does) that cutting is about attention for I have scars upon scars showing I know what is behind them. Trust me I've cut for emotional pain, anger, sadness, grief, to get even with somebody, to get back at somebody and to show the world and myself that I didn't need a reason. I could cut myself anytime anywhere anyplace because the reasons were with me always even when I wasn't thinking about them or that they were on the surface for anyone to see. I WANTED TO DIE!!!!

Now that a diabetes is taking the control of how death happens I have a choice to accept it and live as well as I can or take back the control and take my life. Cutting is on my mind today, but what is it going to accomplish? Nothing!!! and with my anemic condition I need all the red cells my body can produce.

Now knowing all this do you think I will be supportive or do you think I might go on some wild campaign of encouraging you to stop being friend with death and distruction and find the fastest way towards living that you can. It won't be easy, but many of you are still young, living with your parents and having a lifetime to look forward to. I have had to look the future in the face and saw more of the same just like you do. And just like you I cried out "stop this merry-go-round. I WANT OFF" and no matter how hard I worked at get past the emotions and the nightmares the past had a grip on me just like it has on you. And all the while God kept telling me "through, I'll take you through the pain not around or over or under it but through it." I guess like me I now see that you can survive the journey with the support of someone who has journed down the same road. So I guess I answered my own question. God brought me through so I could help you on your journey. It may be only a cup of water, but God can use a cup of water to refresh someone on their journey accoss the desert of their mind.

Well got another appointment. This time with a psych something at the county mental health clinic. I hate going there only because of the cliental and the fact that she doesn't counsel me just perscribes my medicine. Take care... love and hugs. :) Daw

Re: Hi, report on my health
Posted by KAT on Sat Jul 13 00:46:58 2002 (#4880)

Dawn, ..Im lost for words right now, I know you know what I would say, "I hope you get better, you'll get through this, it'll be okay" but I can't say anything because your such a special person and now that your health is fading so very fast its scary.
I pray that you will somehow (your body ) will over come these things inside you that arent going good anymore.
You've been SUCH A HUGE FUCKING HELP in my life, ever since the first time I posted on the psyke boards. and when I was in the hospital you wrote me, and that just made everything so much brighter. Youve helped so many people Im sure, and in turn we can only pray and be here for you. I think that its your decision to come to the board to help others, but I know that you can come for sure to get support because that will always be handed in your direction over here, and from me!
Take care
*lots of hugs*
love always
KAT

Re: Hi, report on my health
Posted by She on Sat Jul 13 17:19:03 2002 (#4899)

xx
Thinking of you loads
Love you
SHe

just a little bored
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sat Jul 13 01:58:02 2002 (#4882)

hey everyone,
how's it goin. lol, as you can tell i'm a little bored so i'm just chillin doin nuthin. well if anyone wants to talk im me or watever. ttyl8a. <3 always, scaredinthedark

Re: just a little bored
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 13 12:29:20 2002 (#4891)

Hi donna
How are you? We havnt spoke in ages, I miss you girl! ahh, bordome dont you just love it!
Love Ella x

Re: just a little bored
Posted by She on Sat Jul 13 17:20:36 2002 (#4900)

hee hee so am I im going on holliday tommorow so i left today free to get ready and i got readdy in about 3 mins now im really bored :s ahhhh well.
Love you all
See you soon
She

Egads am I angry
Posted by Dawn on Sat Jul 13 01:59:05 2002 (#4883)

My med check turned into interviews with two psyche people. Pat does my med checks and Maryln is now my case manager. Today she went over my care plan and I had to initial sections of it. I told her the paperwork was crap that if I felt like harming myself that paper wouldn't stop me.

I mean gees give me a friggin break ( I would say the other f word but because of my Christain witness I try to avoid it as best I can, but when I'm as angry as I am it is harder to hold back on the language) N E WAY it really upsets me that these people who work in the mental health have no concept about the control factor cutting has on cutters. It is like Paul's smoking cigarettes. I finally see why he is so adamate about his smoking and that no one can talk him out of smoking. He likes the control he has just like we have married ourselves to our cutting and refuse to give it up.

I'm not cutting because I've learned that it doesn't change my past. It is not punishment of the crimes perpetrated against my body. And even if it were punishment I am not the one deserving of punishment my rapists and all those involved in my sexual or physical abuse are.

However, it was my body that was marked as an infant somehow for anyone who wanted to cop a feel or use my empty body as a place to get their rock off on. I hate that. I hate that my body has been marked. Tagged as you would like a building tagged as belonging to a certain person to be used for sexual pleasure while at the same time exerting their control over me. Well they may have raped me but they didn't control me for life. I've regain my control and noone is going to control me again. Not some caseworker, not some med nurse and not some paper. It is me. It is my commitment to getting better that stops me from cutting even todday. We can stop ourselves if we want to bad enough.
Okay I feel better now. Hugs all around...Dawn

Re: Egads am I angry
Posted by scaredinthedark on Sat Jul 13 02:02:47 2002 (#4884)

good girl. take a stand and you show them. i like your veiw and you are totally and completely right. good job. take care. <3 always, scaredinthedark

Re: Egads am I angry
Posted by Erryn on Sat Jul 13 02:16:52 2002 (#4888)

hey i hope you are feeling okay, you are a strong good woman and you have helped us so much. i just hope you are okay, just write if you need anything, xxxxxErryn

Re: Egads am I angry
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 13 12:28:06 2002 (#4890)

Hi
Too right! I hate it when they wont let themselves understand, no matter how much you explain!
Love Ella x

I love the support 'Thanks's
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 15 00:51:28 2002 (#4918)

I think I want a different caseworker. But Paul says he thinks she will be good for me. Yeah right! WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is good for me is having this place to come to to get focus and support,AND UNDERSTANDING!!!!!

Re: Egads am I angry
Posted by Rhonda on Sat Jul 13 20:42:06 2002 (#4904)

Hey friend,
I'm glad you feel better and don't ever let anyone take control. Of course, you know that.
Take care honey.
Love ya lots,
Rhonda
P.S. Are you reading any of those books yet?

bitching again
Posted by mego on Sat Jul 13 07:39:09 2002 (#4889)

chris told me he loves me today... FUCK. he doesn't really, i told him not to, i told him he doesn't and he just thinks he does. then he started trying to talk to me about why i'm afraid of getting close to people and i didn't want to listen to it so i inturrupted him with "i don't have a fucking problem and you don't love me so don't even start with me. i'm not going to tell you shit, you're not going to get anywhere with me so try it with someone else" the look he gave me then... i shouldn't have gone off on him like that but hes got that brother thing goin on with me, he's not supposed to hang on me and tell me that when he knows its the last thing i want to hear and he knows that things aren't like that with us, he's just my friend. i don't even know how to act around him anymore cause hes always trying to get me to tell him shit and to "figure me out". fuck that. he'll never know.

Re: bitching again
Posted by Erryn on Sat Jul 13 22:24:47 2002 (#4907)

hey girl hang in there and just remember that you can be loved and you are special take care xxxErryn

Re: bitching again
Posted by megz on Sun Jul 14 20:37:23 2002 (#4913)

Hiya Mego.Megz ere. I dunno if you wil actually get this message or not and i duno if you actually remember me.I used to come onto this site.
I was deleting my old email messags and came across a message sent from you, which is why i've decided to start going back to this message board.
I've read the message that im replying to and i understand wot your saying, although now im open to my patner about my self harm and any thing that they dont understand about me or self harm although she finished me about 2 weeks ago because she couldnt handle it, although we got back together the same night.My ex boyfriend finished me because he couldnt handle it either.
Wellllllllllllllllllll any way i will hopefully speek to u another time.
byr for now, luv megz

ella is...
Posted by Broken Girl on Sat Jul 13 12:48:39 2002 (#4896)

Ella is stupid, selfish and spiteful. Ella is lazy, depressing and repulsive.
Ella's family and friends agree, ella doesnt have any friends any more because ella is SCARY.
Ella frightens people so its best to stay away from her. Her misery is catching so keep a safe distance.
Ella is clumsy.
Ella seems to fall over a lot. But you cant ask to many questions, even as the scars spread more obvious by the day, because Ella is unpredictable.
Ella is confused.
Ella isolates herself until she feels paralized by her one loneliness.
Silly Ella.
Ella reaches out for hope and love, but she doesnt believe in them anymore.
Ella should die because she deserves to.
I hate her.

Re: ella is...
Posted by . on Sat Jul 13 17:26:31 2002 (#4901)

Ella is lovly
Ella is so supportive
Ella is one of the braves person ive ever met
Elle has been through alot and is still here .
Ella has helped my loads and loads and loads
Elle has loads of friends on her who she means alot to .
Shee gives ella a hhhhugeeee {{{{{{{{{{{huggle}}}}}}}}}
and another
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}} }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
love you so much honnie I wrote ou an email but i dunno if your getting them i think there is something wrone with my computer :S again
She**

Re: ella is...
Posted by Eleanor on Sat Jul 13 19:53:33 2002 (#4903)

Ella is one of two people who have kept me alive over the past months. I love you!!!!!!!! x

Re: ella is...
Posted by Erryn on Sat Jul 13 22:22:59 2002 (#4906)

ella is a great person who is smart and knows how to help other people you are loved xxxErryn

Re: ella is...
Posted by Dawn on Mon Jul 15 01:02:04 2002 (#4919)

ella: I know it can be tough living our lives and tougher still recognizing our gifts. As you've already read in these responses people see you differently than you see yourself. Just as you can see the good things about us. Please remember to remember that you are loved and cared for. And from someone who couldn't measure up to others standards you measure up fine to me. love and hugs .....Dawn

. *NM*
Posted by She on Sat Jul 13 17:17:07 2002 (#4898)

{{{{huggles}}}}}
Posted by .. on Sun Jul 14 11:48:01 2002 (#4909)

HIya all :):)
Well i am off on holliday for a while im gonna miss you all alot :( .
Sooooo huuuuugggeeeee
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{huggles}}}}}} }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{huggles} }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
and another
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{huggl e}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
See you all really soon Ill be thinking of you alot when im ther ohhh and im going to this well thats really well know for its healing and love so i shall be thinking of everyone every second that im there.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{EVERYON E!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Love you very much
She~b

Re: {{{{huggles}}}}}
Posted by Rhonda on Sun Jul 14 18:55:16 2002 (#4910)

Have a great time honey!!!!Tell me all about it
when you come back. Take care
Love ya, Rhonda

Re: {{{{huggles}}}}}
Posted by scaredinthedark on Mon Jul 15 02:27:26 2002 (#4922)

hey she, have a great time. i'll miss you and so will everyone else here. hugz to you too. <3 always, scaredinthedark

Re: {{{{huggles}}}}}
Posted by Eleanor on Mon Jul 15 13:31:17 2002 (#4932)

hey she-b!
Know this is a bit late but that doesn't matter cause i said all this in my email on saturday :)
LOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEE E YOU!!!
speak to you when you're back princess,
Love, hugs, and pretty disco lights to make our igloo all sparkley!! :-)
El x